FamilyLife Culture Watch

Rick and Kay Get Married

2009-11-11T10:39:19-08:00

by Dave Boehi

Christianity Today has an interesting online excerpt from a new biography, Prophet of Purpose: The Life of Rick Warren. The excerpt tells the story of how Rick met his wife, Kay, and the struggles they had right after they were married. I'll have to get the book and read the original chapter, because the story felt a bit condensed, but as it stands it's a sobering tale of two people who were woefully unprepared for marriage. They hardly knew each other when they got engaged, they spent nearly all of their engagement apart, they were unaware of how some baggage from Kay's past would affect their relationship, and they did not know how to communicate and resolve conflict. It's a classic story to illustrate the need for thorough premarriage counseling.

But it's also a classic story of two people who stuck with their marriage vows. They sought help from a Christian marriage counselor, even when they really couldn't afford it. It paid off, and they have returned for counseling several times since then. "There are times now when we'll say, 'You know, we could really use a tune-up,'" Kay says, "and we'll got for a while and it helps us through a rough spot. Rick and I are big believers in really good counseling."

I was just about to post this when I met with Bob Lepine, my boss here at FamilyLife, and he reminded me that he and Dennis Rainey interviewed the Warrens on this subject for FamilyLife Today. They're very honest about the mistakes they made before they were married. "You talk about violating principles," says Kay, "if somebody were to do a premarital counseling with us, and all the things they would check off and say, 'This is bad, this is bad, this is bad, you haven't done this, you haven't talk about'--we had done none of it."

The voters speak: A defeat for gay marriage in Maine

2009-11-04T12:37:39-08:00

For years the message from mainstream media has been consistent and relentless regarding gay marriage. Americans are continually told that this is a gay rights issue, that anyone who believes homosexuals should not be allowed to marry is bigoted and stupid. At the same time, courts and legislatures have legalized gay marriage in a number of states.

The only problem for the gay rights movement comes when people actually have the chance to vote on this issue. Yesterday Maine became the latest of 31 states where voters have voted against homosexual marriage--and by a 53 to 46 margin. This surprised many, because Maine is, according to a blog at Newsweek, "known for its moderate, independent electorate, and gay-rights activists had mounted a sophisticated media campaign in support of same-sex marriage."

The New York Times quoted Maggie Gallagher, president of the National Organization for Marriage: "It interrupts the story that is being manufactured that suggests the culture has shifted on gay marriage and the fight is over. Maine is one of the most secular states in the nation. It's socially liberal. They had a three-year head start to build their organization, and they outspent us two to one. If they can't win here, it really does tell you the majority of Americans are not on board with this gay marriage thing."

A key question in this issue is whether those who oppose gay marriage have enough stamina to stay in the fight for the long haul. A gay rights advocate in Maine said, "We're not short-timers. We're here for the long haul ... We'll be here fighting. We'll be working. We will regroup." As an Associated Press writer indicated:

That's not what gay marriage opponent Chuck Schott wanted to hear. At age 71, and after other gay rights efforts in 1998, 2000 and 2005, Schott said he's getting tired of taking his fight to the polls.

"Before the final tally last night was even in, the No on 1 warned us that we'll have to fight the battle all over again — soon. I wish they'd take their battle to some other state, and give us a rest," he said Wednesday.

When Teens Are Caught, Sue the School?

2009-11-03T13:03:39-08:00

By Tracey Eyster

You have got to be kidding me!

I just read about a couple of teen girls who did some pretty disgusting things at a sleepover party and then posted photos of it on MySpace. As a result the photos got handed around at school, their coaches saw them and the girls ended up being disciplined by the coaches based on the schools conduct policy and disciplinary guidelines.

The result? These two girls sued the school.

Parents of teens, if you have not already done so, I suggest you sit down immediately with your teenager and explain to them that if they are going to do inappropriate things and they get "caught" there is but one person to blame: themselves.

And then in ALL CAPITAL LETTERS let them know that in today's world 90 percent of EVERYTHING they do has the capacity to get caught "on film" and be in the eyes of the WORLD just moments later. Especially if they are naive enough to actually place it on the Internet themselves.

Is it awful that this happened to these girls? Yes. But who made the decision to do such a stupid thing? They did. Who should have taught them better and warned them about consequences? Their parents.

What they have now learned through this lawsuit is that if they do something really bad, they can find a way to sidestep responsibility in the issue by shifting blame to someone else.

My dad coached basketball for years and he did it to build character in his athletes. This was part of the system as a whole. The parents, teachers, coaches and schools all worked together to raise children to be good citizens. If any authority figure got in a child's face when they did something wrong, the parents appreciated it and welcomed it as they understood the goal was to raise children to have good moral character and to do what was "right" and "good" for themselves and ultimately their community.

It's not "if" your teen messes up and does something wrong, it's "when." So how will you handle it? Work with your teen to shirk responsibility and deny ownership of the mistake? Or point out to your teen the cold hard facts that all actions have consequences and bad actions have really bad consequences?

It seems today many parents turn on the very adults who are trying to help their children grow into responsible young adults. They blame shift, and they teach their children to blame shift. Bad call, parents.

Granted, all I know is what I read in this article. But I put my dad in the same shoes as that coach, and what I know is he would have done everything in his power to discipline that student so she would not do something so bad ever again. Would he have done this because he didn't care about her? No ... he would have done it because he cared about her life and her future.

Church combats cohabitation with free weddings

2009-10-29T08:08:39-07:00

By Scott Williams

"Let's Just Live Together."

That was how Pastor Bryan Carter of Concord Church in Dallas titled the final sermon in his six-week series on maximizing singleness. Far from encouraging shacking up, his intent was to prod the cohabiting singles of his congregation with a challenge.

If you aren't honoring God by your behavior, move out. And if you want to get married, get married — the church will pay for it all, the gowns, tuxedos, rings, even the wedding cakes.

"I told them, 'We've already made arrangements, and we'll have you married in 30 days,' " Carter said of that Sunday morning. "I said, 'Meet me at the church at 3 o'clock and we'll provide more details.' "

He was worried that no one would show up. To his relief, and surprise, 30 couples came. In the ensuing weeks, they received pre-marriage counseling and an evaluation of their compatibility as a married couple. By the end of the 30 days, 18 of the couples showed up for the ceremony.

Some acted on the offer because they were convicted about the moral dubiousness of living together. Others were sold because it offered them the dream they had always wanted, but couldn't afford.

The weddings cost the church $8,000, a bargain considering the typical wedding in that part of Dallas runs $18,000-$30,000. And that's not an affluent area.The median household income there is only about $5,000 more than the high end of that range.

That's part of the problem. Weddings today are being seen more as social affairs than as a public declaration of the lifelong union of one man and one woman. A young girl dreams about her Cinderella wedding. Then she finds as a young woman that she and her Prince Charming don't have the resources to pull off the big event, and because she can't separate the ceremony from the commitment, she decides that marriage must not be a reasonable option. Anytime the cost of a wedding prevents a marriage, you have to realize the perspective is all wrong.

The other big part of the problem is cohabitation. In the last three decades, the number of unmarried couples has grown six-fold, and is increasing exponentially today.

"No one wants to get married anymore," Carter said. "They simply want to just live together and enjoy all the benefits of marriage without the commitment."

The reasons couples cohabit are varied, but generally fall into three categories.

Distrust or devaluing of marriage as an institution or lifestyle
Cultural divorcement of marriage from sex and childbearing
Financial considerations

When a culture reinforces the equal validity of all forms of relationships, I believe that God's original design for marriage shows itself to be a one-of-a-kind gem among cheap imitations. The church has not held a high standard, and that has become one of the main reasons that marriage has been rejected by our young people in increasing numbers as just one option of many. Unfortunately, many people simply consider the church as little more than a blessing machine and a picturesque destination for weddings.

The tendency in Christian cultural circles has been to criticize no fault divorce and same-sex unions for destroying the institution of marriage. But Scripture is clear that the world cannot understand the things of God (1 Corinthians 2:14). We have the great privilege of showing the world what marriage is, not just cursing what marriage isn't. We are standard bearers, not stumbling blocks.

Kudos to Pastor Carter and Concord Church for doing just that: showing that marriage is a commitment, not a ceremony; a means for mutual growth toward oneness, not a place to selfishly have needs met; and a blessing from God, meant to reflect the relationship He desires with those He created in His image.

Confronting dirty dancing

2009-10-26T14:14:58-07:00

by Dave Boehi

In a recent post titled "That is not dancing" on the FamilyLife MomBlog, Tracey Lanter notes that if you have not been to a teen dance lately, you will probably be shocked at the overtly sexual style of dancing. Tracey writes, "two typical teenagers at a typical dance remind me of the mating of wild animals you see on nature shows."

She also includes a comment that typifies the attitude of many parents: "It's what they do now. How am I going to stop it?"

So I was pleasantly surprised to read an article in today's Los Angeles Times about public schools that are confronting this problem rather than looking the other way. Downey High School, for example, requires students attending a dance to sign a senior prom dance contract stating that they won't drug, use drugs, or engage in dirty dancing. Parents have to sign it, too. The contract states the rules in terms just as explicit as the behavior it is meant to prevent:

Students dancing or behaving inappropriately will be escorted out of the dance and will not be given a refund. This includes any sexually explicit or violence-oriented dancing commonly known as freaking, moshing, battling, or grinding. *NO TOUCHING IF DANCING BACK TO FRONT; *NO TOUCHING BREASTS, BUTTOCKS OR GENITALS; *NO STRADDLING EACH OTHERS LEGS; *BOTH FEET ON THE FLOOR.

The efforts appear to be paying off. The Downey student body president said, "I don't think it's too restrictive. It's become such a routine part of going to the dance, get your parents to sign and you're good to go. I know they're taking precautions for a reason. It doesn't look good for the school to have kids dancing like that."

I also like the approach of another school in the Los Angeles area. Students were told that "if couples are caught gyrating, lights will be turned up or the music changed to Burt Bacharach or William Shatner singing 'Mr. Tambourine Man.'"

That's enough to scare anyone.

Is Shouting the New Spanking?

2009-10-22T11:16:06-07:00

by Dave Boehi

In recent months, newspapers like the New York Times and the Washington Post have addressed a number of practical and fascinating issues of marriage and parenting. The lastest appeared today in a Times article, "For Some Parents, Shouting Is the New Spanking."

The author writes:

Many in today’s pregnancy-flaunting, soccer-cheering, organic-snack-proffering generation of parents would never spank their children. We congratulate our toddlers for blowing their nose (“Good job!”), we friend our teenagers (literally and virtually), we spend hours teaching our elementary-school offspring how to understand their feelings. But, incongruously and with regularity, this is a generation that yells.

“I’ve worked with thousands of parents and I can tell you, without question, that screaming is the new spanking,” said Amy McCready, the founder of Positive Parenting Solutions, which teaches parenting skills in classes, individual coaching sessions and an online course. “This is so the issue right now. As parents understand that it’s not socially acceptable to spank children, they are at a loss for what they can do. They resort to reminding, nagging, timeout, counting 1-2-3 and quickly realize that those strategies don’t work to change behavior. In the absence of tools that really work, they feel frustrated and angry and raise their voice. They feel guilty afterward, and the whole cycle begins again.”

Note the comment that "it's not socially acceptable to spank children." Over the years counselors and psychologists have often said that "research shows that spanking is harmful to children." But I've often wondered whether the real problem is any type of discipline—spanking, yelling, or even "time out"—that is done in anger. Anger in parents is a universal problem, and I can certainly understand it after raising children of my own. But when we lose control and it affects how we discipline our children, real damage can occur.

Here are some links that may help you keep emotions from taking over appropriate discipline:

Administering Discipline for Attitude Problems
The Forgotten Part of Discipline
Say Goodbye to Whining

Newlyweds and Cheating

2009-10-15T10:37:45-07:00

According to a new study, 20 percent of newlywed husbands and 15 percent of newlywed wives admit to having an affair in the first year of marriage.

The numbers, which come out of the University of Washington and are reported in Women's Health magazine, are actually on the increase. Discussing the topic on the CBS Morning Show, relationship therapist Dr. Bonnie Eaker Weil, had some really insightful comments on why this happens and how to avoid it.

"Everyone that cheats has an intimacy problem. Actually, if you think about it, infidelity is not about a decision-making process. But monogamy is a decision to stay faithful, and if you're having an intimacy problem, you're not thinking clearly."

"There are more newlyweds cheating because they're having intimacy problems, they just didn't realize it. And the Internet doesn't help us." [She implies elsewhere that access to pornography and social networking sites can create the atmosphere that makes cheating more likely to happen.]

"[Adultery] is a cry for help; it's a wake-up call. It's a dysfunctional attempt to try to stabilize the relationship."

How to tell if your spouse may be prone to adultery?

Too many friends of the opposite sex
Friends' attitudes about cheating
Family history of adultery

If you think about it, it makes sense that infidelity would be common in the first year of marriage. It's a real shock going from a romantic dating relationship to a marriage relationship that has its roots in mundane home management issues like paying bills, cleaning, cooking and taking out the trash. Romantic excitement often falls quickly after the wedding. And for most young people, their pool of friends will never be as dominated by singles of the opposite sex as it is in those newlywed years. So, the newlywed years not only give a reason to look elsewhere for romantic excitement, but the opportunity to do so as well.

Unfortunately, the culture has seduced most young people into thinking that love is finding someone they are compatible with—someone who can make them truly happy—and the rest just kind of takes care of itself. Truthfully though, love is sustained through hard work, and compatibility comes with time. The only way to keep a marriage from dissolving into adultery is to pledge total commitment to the one you marry, and to make your focus on serving them rather than expecting them to serve you.

Adultery embodies the exact opposite ideal. It scoffs at commitment and is centered on a self-serving goal. Still, cheating on a spouse is a temptation most couples will face at some point in their marriage. Some will resist, while others give in and are left to face the consequences.

Here are a few articles that can help you avoid the temptation to commit adultery, but also to pick up the pieces if your marriage ever faces one.

Affair Proof Your Marriage

Guarding Against Adultery

Recovering Intimacy After an Affair

Around the World in 80 Words - #56

2009-10-01T05:24:00-07:00

POLAND: Spurred by a rash of cases of father’s molesting young daughters, the lower house passed a law requiring chemical castration for those accused of rape against children or close relatives.

CHINA: During an eight-day holiday celebrating 60 years of communism, couples in Chongqing province will not be allowed to divorce. Government offices will be open to license marriages, though.

INDONESIA: Outgoing conservative Islamist legislators in this autonomous province voted unanimously to allow public stoning to death in cases of adultery.

The Superior Wife Syndrome

2009-09-29T10:16:52-07:00

EDITOR'S NOTE: In this post is from Culture Watch's little sister blog, FamilyLife MomBlog, Barbara Rainey gets honest about how recent cultural messages have overfed the pride of many women, including herself. In fact, apparently about 2/3 of all women consider themselves the superior spouse when it comes to everyday family living, says the psychologist and author who wrote the book, The Superior Wife Syndrome.

by Barbara Rainey

On a recent Monday morning, I had turned on the Today show to catch our local news and weather on the half hour. As I listened from the kitchen I heard one of the hosts introduce an author with new research on wives. The title of her book is The Superior Wife Syndrome. When I heard the intro I grabbed my notepad and sat down to hear about the latest syndrome to afflict our population. I was ready to critique.

But as I listened I found myself agreeing with some of what she said, though I wouldn't go so far as to label it a syndrome. The author, Carin Rubenstein, has discovered that millions of wives think they do everything better than their husbands. They feel they are more responsible, more capable, and in a word, more superior. Hmmm, I thought. Sounds a little more like pride to me.

There is truth to this discovery. Beginning in the 1970s, women have been instructed to do it all. We've been told we can work full time and raise kids at the same time, all with great success. Many have gone so far as to say we don't need men. Women's drive to achieve equality in the work place has resulted in this attitude of superiority, I believe.

This temptation to exalt ourselves over our men is as old as the earth. I find myself dealing with this attitude more than I'd care to admit. I load the dishwasher more efficiently than he, I fold the clothes better than he, and I pack the car much more neatly than his haphazard preference of just throwing it all in and slamming the door to keep it from falling out. And when I focus on how much better I am in certain tasks and responsibilities I can quickly move to feeling superior. In addition I'm learning this is much more of a temptation in the empty nest. When we had kids my corrective measures were directed at them and less at my husband. Now he is the sole focus of my rehabilitation and retraining efforts. Poor man.

Author Carin Rubenstein gave three tips for this syndrome which are not new, but they are good to remember because they are timeless. First, ask for help. He can't read your mind. Second, educate him with logic, not emotional outbursts. And third, be willing to settle for less.

I would add a fourth tip: Let him be who he is. As my husband would say, and he is so right, there is more than one way to do a task. My way isn't always right and his isn't always wrong. Most of our conflicts aren't about right and wrong anyway, but about personal preferences for how something is accomplished. In the end it's not a big deal anyway. Certainly not worth the damage to a marriage and your man that a superior attitude will cause.

Arguing Adultery

2009-09-24T13:27:47-07:00

By Scott Williams

What would bring together a conservative pastor, a man behind a website that encourages married people to have affairs, a recovering sex addict, and a woman in a polyamorous relationship?

ABC's Nightline will air tonight (Thursday, Sept. 24) a 30-minute special on adultery in the culture as part of its "Face-Off" series of broadcasts. They arranged the panel of four — which appeared before a live, mostly church-going audience of more than 3,000 — to discuss whether cheating is just part of our human makeup. Given some of the details from the advance article on ABC.com about the broadcast, the Nightline discussion is likely to go anywhere.

Here are the basic positions represented:

Pastor Ed Young - Sex is God's creation to be enjoyed in the context of marriage between one man and one woman.
Jenny Block - Adultery is wrong when lying and deception are involved, so her intimate relationship with another woman while she's married to her husband is fine because she's not hiding anything.
Jonathan Daugherty - Adultery is an integrity issue, which is why he's telling the story of his past failures and started a ministry offering help to those with sexual addictions
Noel Biderman - His online matchmaking site for marrieds works in part because couples caught in a sexless marriage would do better to get intimacy on the side than to dissolve their marriage.

The debate airs some bold statements that reveal a great divide on the adultery issue. And it all comes down to worldview — is marriage an invention of mankind or a creation of God? Despite the differing views of the panelists, the article does point out that there is some real common ground. namely that marriage is about commitment, and anyone who violates that commitment is wrong in doing so.

What to me is encouraging about the whole issue is that the church is beginning to take the challenge head on of defending marriage by reflecting God's original design — the union of one (biological) man and one (biological) woman growing together in oneness with God and each other. Far from being an invention of man, marriage is also much more than a human institution designed by God for our pleasure and the perpetuation of our species.

God gave marriage as a picture of the relationship He intends to have with those He created in His own image. And it is a picture of Christ's relationship to the church. Now more than ever, a good marriage, centered on oneness, is a testimony to a world that is groping to understand what the marriage relationship is, much less how to make it work.

As an aside (but also at the very core of this issue), the ABC.com article also contains a sidebar called "Saint or Sinner: Take the Quiz to Find Out What Commandment You're Breaking Today." Out of curiosity, I took it (thinking it might be paid ad space masquerading as an evangelistic tool). The result I got was appalingly revealing of the worldview of those who created the quiz. My final judgment:

"Holy Roller. Not quite a saint but far from a sinner, you're leading the way in a confusing world. There's no need for divine intervention here."

Actually, according to Scriptures, I am both a saint and a sinner, and the reason my example may be one worth following is because of divine intervention. Any good in me is because of Christ in me.

If you watch the show or read the article, I'd love for you to weigh in on the debate.

The Cohabitation Complication

2009-09-24T05:10:00-07:00

By Dave Boehi

A major shift has occurred in our culture during the last forty years: A growing number of couples are living together before they are married. By 2005, according to the U.S. Census Bureau, nearly 10 million people were living with someone of the opposite sex, up from about 878,000 in 1960. Many of these couples view cohabitation as a trial run to see if marriage will work. As one woman writes, “I couldn’t imagine getting hitched to anyone I hadn’t taken on a test-spin as a roommate. Conjoin with someone before sharing a bathroom? Not likely!”

The dramatic rise in cohabitation can be traced to several factors, including:

Lenient modern attitudes about sex;
Young adults waiting longer to get married (the median age for first-time marriage is 27.5 for men and 25.6 for women—up from 22.8 and 20.3 in 1960);
A growing number of people in our culture who believe marriage is not important; and
The fear of failure—many singles don’t want to end up divorced like their parents.

For many couples, it makes sense to live together so they can determine if their relationship will last before making the commitment of marriage. Living together is the normal type of pre-marriage relationship portrayed in countless movies and television shows. With each new generation of young people, the number of cohabiting couples is expected to rise.

For followers of Christ, living together before marriage should not be a biblical option just from the standpoint of sexual purity alone; God’s Word is very clear about waiting until marriage to enjoy the sexual union.

But let’s also address the question of cohabitation as a trial run for marriage. Does living together really help you see if you are compatible?

While many couples believe that cohabitation simulates a marriage relationship, many researchers and counselors point out that it’s actually a false copy of the real thing. In a letter to a couple living together, Dr. Willard Harley writes,

…I suggest that you consider why couples who live together don’t marry. Ask yourself that very question. Why did you choose to live with your boyfriend instead of marrying him?

The answer is that you were not ready to make that commitment to him yet. First, you wanted to see if you still loved him after you cooked meals together, cleaned the apartment together and slept together. In other words, you wanted to see what married life would be like without the commitment of marriage.

But what you don’t seem to realize is that you will never know what married life is like unless you’re married. The commitment of marriage adds a dimension to your relationship that puts everything on its ear. Right now, you are testing each other to see if you are compatible. If either of you slips up, the test is over, and you are out the door. Marriage doesn’t work that way. Slip-ups don’t end the marriage, they just end the love you have for each other.

What, exactly, is the commitment of marriage? It is an agreement that you will take care of each other for life, regardless of life’s ups and downs. You will stick it out together through thick and thin. But the commitment of living together isn’t like that at all. It is simply a month-to-month rental agreement.

In other words, living together cannot work as a trial run before making the commitment of marriage, because that commitment is what sets marriage apart from every other relationship. It changes everything.

Another problem with living together is what researchers call “relationship inertia.” Couples grow accustomed to living together, and they decide to get married because that seems like what they should do next. They may give in to pressure from parents, or they may feel they “owe each other” after investing so much of their lives in the relationship. As Dr. Scott Stanley, a professor of Family and Marital Studies at the University of Denver, says, “People who are cohabiting might end up marrying somebody they might not otherwise have married.” They are “sliding, not deciding,” he says.

God’s Word (Genesis 2: 18-25) not only establishes blueprints for marriage, but it also reveals a progression for building a relationship:

Man is alone.
He recognizes his need for a helpmate.
God provides for this need.
Man receives that provision.
Both man and woman leave father and mother.
They cleave to one another.
They become one flesh.
They experience intimacy and oneness.

In God’s plan, when a man and woman become one flesh, they’ve already committed their lives to each other as a response to God’s provision. Sexual relations and cohabitation before marriage short-circuit this plan.

So in the end, the decisions a couple makes before they are married reveal much about what a couple believes. Are they willing to believe what God’s Word says about building the type of relationship that will last a lifetime? Are they willing to believe in His plan for marriage? Are they willing to follow Him and believe He knows what is best for them?

Woman implanted with wrong embryo

2009-09-22T07:06:24-07:00

by Scott Williams

This story caught my attention for all the dilemmas it presents.

Carolyn Savage had experienced several miscarriages since the birth of her two boys (now 12 and 15). She and husband Sean successfully tried in vitro fertilization (his sperm, her egg), resulting in the birth of their now toddler daughter, Mary Kate.

As strong believers that life begins at conception, Sean and Carolyn intended to implant the remaining five embryos left over from their last attempt at conception. Tragically, the clinic implanted the embryo of another couple (their egg and sperm), and Carolyn unwittingly became a surrogate mother.

As they explain in this video, after the initial shock of learning that the baby in Carolyn's womb wasn't her own, she and husband Sean decided to carry the baby to term in order to give it over to the rightful parents.

The Savages seem to have a strong Christian worldview and really exemplify humility in the decisions that they have made. I am still struck, though, at the dilemmas presented by this case--and in any case where the sperm, egg and/or womb are those of someone other than a husband and wife.

Legally and ethically speaking, few people would have questioned their decision had they chosen to end the pregnancy. But the Savages couldn't violate their own moral and ethical code.
Because a medical condition would make subsequent pregnancies dangerous, Carolyn and her husband have been caught in the difficult decision of having to seek out a surrogate mother to their remaining five embryos.
What makes a mother (or father)? Carolyn Savage will certainly bond with this baby she has been carrying for nine months. Will she bond as well with the child(ren) she has via the surrogate mother who will carry her real embryos?

There are a lot more questions that I have but cannot formuate into clear thoughts. I am struck by the fact that these kind of unimaginable scenarios keep popping up (remember the "pregnant man" who gave birth this summer?) But I guess they all lead to the idea that pregnancy other than by natural means always involves moral and ethical dilemmas, and they will continue to get odder until they become so commonplace that we don't pay attention anymore.

The Inverse Power of Praise

2009-09-10T11:58:29-07:00

By Scott Williams

Nurture Shockis a new book by Po Bronson and Ashley Merryman. The duo have compiled many of their New York magazine articles on the science of parenting under topical headings with provocative titles that strike at the heart of culturally popular parenting myths.

Right out of the blocks the book attacks the Golden Calf of parenting myths—that children should be praised for things like their intelligence, and as often as possible. "According to a survey conducted by Columbia University," Bronson wrote in his original New York article, "85 percent of American parents think it's important to tell their kids that they're smart. In and around the New York area, according to my own (admittedly nonscientific) poll, the number is more like 100 percent. Everyone does it, habitually. The constant praise is meant to be an angel on the shoulder, ensuring that children do not sell their talents short."

The problem is that studies suggest this type of praise is having the opposite effect. "Giving kids the label of 'smart' does not prevent them from underperforming. It might actually be causing it."

The praise fad owes it genesis to Nathaniel Branden's 1969 book, The Psychology of Self-Esteem, which Bronson and Merryman contrast with the recent research of Carol Dweck that shows quite a different picture.

For more than a decade, Dweck has studied the effect of praise on the academic and social well-being of older elementary children. Other researchers have tested different subjects, but with similar results:

Children who are praised for their intelligence are more likely to attempt easier tasks, seeking success over growth.
Children praised for their efforts are more likely to attempt harder tasks, attribute their lack of success their own actions, then redouble their efforts the next time. "Emphasizing effort gives a child a variable that they can control," Dweck says. "They come to see themselves as in control of their success. Emphasizing natural intelligence takes it out of the child's control, and it provides no good recipe for responding to a failure."
A review of 200 studies done on self-esteem finds that the quality didn't improve grades or career achievement, nor did it lower alcoholism or violence.
Students who grow up with excessive verbal reward fail to develop perseverance and are prone to quit trying when rewards are withdrawn.
Among two control groups, students who were taught study skills alone didn't perform as well as those who were given study skill and taught a lesson on how challenging the brain improves intelligence.

Bottom line: Don't praise your children because you think they need to feel good about themselves and their gifts. Praise them for what they do well, for their efforts to tackle a problem. Bronson and Merryman point out that children are quite adept at sniffing out insincere praise and may even dismiss adults who seem too quick to praise when it's not really due.

I've always been on the other end of the spectrum. Because I know what insincere praise feels like, I often don't praise out of concern that a child may feel that I'm pandering to his self-esteem. My seven children have learned that when Dad gives praise, it's genuine. Unfortunately, Dad doesn't give enough praise.

While the findings detailed in Nurture Shock do justify that my low-praise approach isn't so out-of-touch as this culture of esteeming children make them out to be, still I know that I can strive for greater balance. The best place I know to find that is in the Scriptures.

I'm immediately reminded of the story of the three servants, each of whom were given an amount of money to look after while their master was away. When he returned, he asked them to give an accounting. Each had solid explanations for their actions, but the master praised the first two while harshly rebuking the third. The bottom line is that whether they received a lot or a little, the servants were judged on what they did with what they had. That is a good ground rule.

Praise—whether it's for children or adults—shouldn't look like junk mail, which comes to everyone indiscriminately, but more like a hand-written, hand-addressed note. Praise should be the result of a job well done, a situation well handled, or a challenge well met. At the same time, praise-stingy people like me need the admonition that the Apostle Paul gave to the believers in the church in the city of Philippi.

"...Whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is of good repute, if there is any excellence and if anything worthy of praise, dwell on these things." Philippians 4:8

Each of us needs to be diligent to look for praiseworthy qualities and behavior, and just as diligent to make sure that our praise is sincere, and sincerely warranted.

Bronson and Merryman conclude the first chapter of Nurture Shock with a personal story about learning to praise appropriately. The author, a self-admitted praise addict, undertook a personal three-step program to recovery by first not praising everything, then looking for specific things to praise that would unleash the child's initiative to achieve. Finally, it was learning to be slower to praise until the child struggled through a problem and was obviously deserving of commendation.

Coming from the opposite end of the praise continuum, I guess I need to have my own three-step program. First to consciously hold off on correction unless it's absolutely needed, then to look for very specific incidents where praise is due and offer it freely and sincerely. Finally, to make honest praise second nature.

Praise is impotent when used indiscriminately, but when sincerely applied has incredible power to unleash undeveloped potential. We would all do well to use it wisely.

Around the World in 80 Words - #55

2009-08-25T20:24:28-07:00

FRANCE: A recent Supreme Court ruling allows passionate messages to paramours to be admissible in divorce cases.

SWITZERLAND: UBS Bank's decision to hand over account information of more than 4,000 Americans could lead to countless divorce settlements being thrown out. Many men have apparently hidden assets in Swiss banks to avoid higher alimony payouts to ex-wives.

MOROCCO: Despite a relatively new law giving more protection, women pregnant out of wedlock have relatively few rights, since sex outside marriage isn't acknowledged by the state.

The Lost Art of Reading?

2009-08-19T08:35:19-07:00

By Dave Boehi

The article by David L. Ulin of the Los Angeles Times begins with a familiar complaint: “Sometime late last year—I don't remember when, exactly—I noticed I was having trouble sitting down to read.”

I’ve read this lament fairly often over the last year. In The Atlantic Monthly, Nicholas Carr wrote:

Immersing myself in a book or a lengthy article used to be easy. My mind would get caught up in the narrative or the turns of the argument, and I’d spend hours strolling through long stretches of prose. That’s rarely the case anymore. Now my concentration often starts to drift after two or three pages. I get fidgety, lose the thread, begin looking for something else to do. I feel as if I’m always dragging my wayward brain back to the text. The deep reading that used to come naturally has become a struggle.

Ulin and Carr are part of a growing number of writers, researchers, and thinkers who are looking at the way our Google/Facebook/Twitter culture and asking some important questions like, “How is this affecting us?” and “Is all this good for us?” While the Internet offers many wonderful benefits to our lives, it’s important to consider how our preoccupation with media, the web, and social media is changing the way we interact and communicate and even think.

For obvious reasons, I’ve been particularly interested in how our reading habits are changing. A huge shift is occurring in the way we gather and process information.

In one sense, this is just the latest twist in a story that has been growing for nearly a century. It seems that each new media invention—movies, radio, television, VCRs and DVDs, the Internet—inevitably affects the way people read and reduces the time they devote to it. What feels different about recent trends is that the Web is still so new, and it is evolving so quickly that few people are stepping back to look at how it is changing us.

In his Los Angeles Times article, “The Lost Art of Reading, Ulin says:

Reading is an act of contemplation, perhaps the only act in which we allow ourselves to merge with the consciousness of another human being. We possess the books we read, animating the waiting stillness of their language, but they possess us also, filling us with thoughts and observations, asking us to make them part of ourselves … In order for this to work, however, we need a certain type of silence, an ability to filter out the noise. Such a state is increasingly elusive in our over-networked culture, in which every rumor and mundanity is blogged and tweeted. Today, it seems it is not contemplation we seek but an odd sort of distraction masquerading as being in the know.”

At the end Ulin concludes that reading is “harder than it used to be, but still, I read.” Then I noticed the italicized biographical information on the next line: “Ulin is book editor of The Times.”

This guy reviews books for his job, and he still finds it difficult to force himself to be quiet long enough to do read them? If he has trouble, what does that mean for the rest of us?

I suspect we are becoming a society of people who rarely allow themselves to slow down enough to think and contemplate. It’s difficult to spend time reading a book—or, more important, reading God’s Word—when there are so many other distractions calling for your attention. And when you spend so much time with those distractions that you grow impatient and fidgety after only a few minutes of quiet.

It requires a strong will to force yourself to read something longer than a few hundred words. It requires discipline to study and apply the Scriptures, to talk with God. I suspect that in the coming years, many will come to realize that, without this quiet time, they will feel increasingly empty.

Jon & Kate Plus 25

2009-07-22T06:46:09-07:00

You thought their life was complicated before divorce? Just wait!

By Ron L. Deal

Editor’s note: Ron L. Deal is president of Successful Stepfamilies.com, and offers a unique perspective on the marriage problems faced by Jon and Kate Gosselin.

Jon and Kate Gosselin are divorcing and the world debates what will become of their eight children. How will they care for them after the split? Should they continue their television program, Jon and Kate Plus 8, on TLC, or would doing so be “psychologically abusive” to the children?

Most of the discussion seems to be focused on the next few weeks of this family’s existence; I’m thinking a few years down the road. As a therapist, author, and speaker who specializes in stepfamilies, I know how complicated life is about to become for this household.

Assuming that Jon and Kate are like most divorced adults, they will remarry (75 percent do), even though right now they may be saying that’s the last thing on their mind. Marriage is part of the American ideal and we don’t give up on it easily. Statistically speaking, Jon and Kate will both be hitched again within five years.

Let’s say that Jon’s new wife is previously married and have children of her own (let’s assume two), but Kate’s new spouse has not been married before and doesn’t have any children. This means the eight Gosselin children will only have two stepsiblings to get to know, but they will also have to forge relationships with two new stepparents (and their stepmother’s ex-husband), three new sets of stepgrandparents, and countless aunts, uncles, and cousins. Jon and Kate Plus 8 can quickly become Jon and Kate Plus 25 or more very quickly. This expanded stepfamily system will have three households to manage on a daily basis, and six household schedules to navigate when it comes time to visit the grandparents at Christmas. And if that doesn’t seem complicated enough, the number of possible interactions between family members within this now three household stepfamily will likely be 34,000 times more than before the divorce. I’m not sure Facebook will solve that.

The process of “decoupling”

But there’s even more complexity to manage. Divorce includes what we sometimes call “decoupling”—the emotional process couples must maneuver to stop being lovers and learn only to be co-parents (doesn’t it sound painful?). Ironically, decoupling can pave the way to healthy coparenting during the stepfamily years. But this process is extremely difficult for most couples and they simply don’t manage it well.

Why?

Because in marriage couples become accustomed to having their opinions influence their spouse’s behavior and parenting. It’s only natural that they assume their views will still influence the ex-spouse after the divorce. But, while marriage provides couples a much-needed motivation to cooperate and negotiate with kindness the matters of parenting, divorce does not. The world watched Jon repeatedly bend to Kate’s assertive, opinionated parenting style while they were married; the marriage gave him motivation to accommodate her. If he is like most divorced men who feel “free” of wives they once described as overbearing, he will lose his willingness to “get along and do it her way.” What is the net result? In divorce, Jon and Kate will likely have more conflict, not less.

Put another way, if Kate was frustrated with Jon before the divorce, she is in for a rude awakening. She is going to feel even more frustration and more out-of-control as she relates to him in the future. During the program announcing their separation Kate explained that she was seeking a divorce in order to bring “peace” to her children. Ironically, peace just became harder to come by.

On occasion divorce offers children improved well-being, but only in high conflict, violent, or abusive households where removal from exposure to the abuse offers psychological protection. In such a case divorce is the lesser of two evils. But “peace” is not facilitated by any divorce or the ensuing single parent home and/or stepfamily. Just consider some of the disruptive emotional losses the Gosselin children will likely experience:

the loss of an intact home and the security that comes from knowing mom and
dad are together forever; • lost family income, friendships, community and
church connections, and access to extended family; • a loss of control which
brings about frustration and stress; • a loss of continuity to life (life has
just become very unpredictable and filled with fear); • the loss of consistent,
authoritative parenting when biological parent’s continue to argue, battle, and
fuss with one another; • the loss that accompanies a parent’s remarriage (“now I
have to share my dad with my stepmom and her kids”); • the loss of family
traditions and holiday rituals that must change in order to accommodate new
stepfamily members and households; • the loss of peace when children experience
divided loyalties, and many more.

Why paint a challenging picture?

Some readers may be asking: why is a stepfamily expert suggesting that Jon and Kate work it out and avoid remarriage? Answer: Because an intact home is the best way to create “peace” for children. Stepfamilies can navigate their challenges and in many cases form stable, loving homes. But honestly, it’s a tough row to hoe.

Two-thirds of stepfamily couples divorce, and I estimate that another 10-15 percent of couples are unhappy. And then there are the children. Experiencing multiple marriages and divorces by their parents, they often have lower academic performance, lower emotional and psychological well-being, higher risk of teenage pregnancy, and more behavioral issues. They grow up with less confidence in the institution of marriage, cohabit more than previous generations, and divorce at higher rate. Stepfamily living doesn’t restore lost family strength or repair the damage done. In fact, it adds complexity to already difficult circumstances and multiples the stressors.

So, is it all bad? No, stepfamilies can overcome many of these complex challenges, especially if they have a map. That’s why I write books, create training materials, conduct media appearances, and manage a free high-content web site for stepfamilies. But having articulated that optimism, let’s be very clear: if Jon and Kate want peace for their children they need to seek resolution of their marital conflicts, offer and seek forgiveness to each other, let God chip away at their selfishness, and reconcile this marriage.

Take it from someone who specializes in helping stepfamilies manage their complexities: repairing their marriage will be hard work, but far less work than giving away their family to divorce and remarriage. Divorce may seem a relief now. But Jon and Kate Plus 8 is a lot easier than Jon and Kate Plus 25. Do the math.

For more information on Ron L. Deal and his resources to help stepfamilies, go to http://Jon & Kate Plus 25.

Around the World in 80 Words - #54

2009-07-17T14:34:59-07:00

EGYPT: After a two-year appeal to his parents to allow him to marry a woman from a lower caste, a 25-year-old man castrated himself. Marriages in southern Egypt are usually within castes, and rarely for love.

UNITED KINGDOM: Statistics show a continuing decline and divorce rates and increase in the number of years the average couple is married.

AFGHANISTAN: Women’s rights advocates are still battling the government saying changes in the marriage law don’t go far enough to confront marital rape.

Boredom Can Uproot Your Marriage

2009-07-09T13:09:58-07:00

Everyone who's been married for even a short while knows what conflict can do to a marriage. But a new study of marriages in the "seven year itch" shows that the absence of conflict (and interest) can be just as destructive.

Couples who found themselves in a rut in year seven of their marriage were likely to report dissatisfaction by their 16th anniversary. However, satisfaction in the seventh year didn't predict less boredom by year 16.

The researchers, from University of Michigan and Stony Brook University, found that boredom undermines closeness, which in turn reduces marital satisfaction. Things like lack of satisfaction and unresolved bitterness lead to isolation, the polar opposite of oneness.

"It suggests that excitement in relationships facilitates or makes salient closeness, which in turn promotes satisfaction in the long term," [researcher Terri Orbuch] said.

Couples can reduce boredom by participating together in exciting activities. The closeness may lead to greater satisfaction, partner responsiveness, commitment and trust, the researchers said.

Truth is that, without intervention, isolation is the default direction of marriage. Only couples who are actively growing toward each other will continue to experience satisfaction in their marriage relationship.

That is why much of FamilyLife's ministry has always focused on helping couples grow in oneness and fight isolation. And since marriage is such an intimate, multi-faceted relationship oneness needs to develop not just physically, but emotionally, socially and spiritual as well.

God never intended us to settle for so-so marriages, or even good ones. Marriage is designed by God as an earthly reflection of the relationship he desires with the man and woman he created in His image. Here are some resources to help you avoid boredom and isolation and to experience a truly great marriage as God intends it.

A little communication here

2009-07-06T11:48:02-07:00

By Scott Williams

In addition to publishing Culture Watch, I also create a weekly poll for FamilyLife.com. I can generally anticipate what the results will be, but a recent poll was a bit of a surprise.

Have you given your mate a love note in the past month?

Yep, a full-blown letter/card

14.2%

I've scratched out a quick note

15.7%

I sent one electronically. Does that count?

15.7%

Ouch! It's been that long?

54.5%

Total Votes: 134

I was sure that very few readers would have written a full love letter or card to their spouse in the past month, but fairly certain that most would have at least scribbled a note or sent an email or text message. So to find that five out of every nine people who took the poll haven't sent any kind of love note in more than a month was a bit of an eye opener.

I noticed this troubling sign just before we entered our weekly planning meeting for our emagazine, The Family Room. Less than a half-hour into our meeting, I made another similar discovery. We were comparing the average pageviews for articles within FamilyLife.com's Healthy Marriage topic. All of us there were a bit surprised that Loneliness and Isolation ranked #1. Communication, on the other hand, was way on down the list. How ironic.

It seems that in our individualistic, consumerist culture, we want others to reach out to us but don't feel a compelling need to make the effort to reach out to others. When our spouses aren't noticing us or "meeting our needs," we may tend to get resentful, which often causes us to shut down communication and retreat to our own bitter feelings. The result is loneliness and isolation.

The antidote is communication. When lines of communication are open, those petty squabbles, minor annoyances and simple misunderstandings don't have the chance to fester into full-blown bitterness. In fact, they become opportunities to relate to each other in a much more personal way, sharing feelings that might never have been discussed had the situation not required you to deal with the cause of the grievances. Once the problems are resolved though, your relationship becomes closer, and you've established a new tone of openness and healthy communication for the next time a disagreement comes along.

I invite you to check out the wealth of articles on FamilyLife.com. Sure you can check out the Loneliness and Isolation articles, but your time might be better spent proactively looking at the tips on communication.

Pop Goes the Gender

2009-07-02T21:13:13-07:00

By Scott Williams

Although his parents might object to me calling him such, two-year-old Pop is a social experiment.

The Swedish toddler's mom and dad, eschewing social gender constraints, refuse to let anyone know whether the child is a boy or girl. They never use pronouns to refer to the toddler, and have outfitted the child with everything from dresses to pants. They also regularly change the child's hairstyle.

“We want Pop to grow up more freely and avoid being forced into a specific gender mould from the outset,” Pop’s mother said. “It's cruel to bring a child into the world with a blue or pink stamp on their forehead.”

While the outcome of this informal experiment might answer some long-standing questions about how much of gender is biological and how much is conditioned by the culture, it may come at the expense of Pop. It wouldn't be the first time.

More than 40 years ago, a botched circumcision on a twin brother prompted parents to raise Bruce Reimer as "Brenda." He had reconstruction work and was encouraged to dress and act like a girl. As his brother Brian tells it, "the only difference between him and I was he had longer hair." Only when Bruce/Brenda began to rebel against femininty as a teen did his father tell him the whole story.

After bouts with anger and depression, Bruce changed his name to David and underwent surgical procedures and hormone treatments to become a man. He eventually married and was able to have a normal sex life and, despite being unable to father children of his own, did raise three children with his wife.

But by then, David's psychological trauma was exacting its toll. After a separation from his wife, a job loss, and the death of his twin brother, David committed suicide in 2004. In the years before, he had publicly spoken of his ordeal, labeling the gender identity experiment a crushing failure.

Before adolescence blew the lid off of everything, those who said it was nurture not nature that determined gender identity had pointed to the Reimer case as proof. Eventually Johns Hopkins University, which had initially encouraged the Reimers to allow Bruce to be Brenda, abandoned its gender reassignment ideals.

You would think that people would learn, but with our current cultural tendency to reject anything that limits our ability to define our own humanity, the practice continues. One of the current parenting fads is to delay puberty with hormonal treatments until a child settles what gender most closely matches his or her feelings.

The whole thing is much simpler than we make it out to be. Sexual identity, both physical and emotional, is by God's design. He created male and female to correspond to each other, both physically and emotionally. Sure, there are cultural norms that either downplay or caricature gender attributes. Some may be harmful, but others (like pink and blue) are benign and petty.

It's okay and even healthy to reject narrow, often arbitrary, gender constraints. It's foolish, on the other hand, to pretend that these differences are completely devoid of divine design. True balance comes from understanding God's original design and operating within that realm.

Nowhere does God mention pink and blue. He does not forbid men to cry or women to do auto mechanics. He has, however, created men to be risk-takers, providers, initiators and achievers, and women to be responders, nurturers, and to experience life as a holistic blend of mind and emotion. And He has also created us as infinitely unique individuals who vary wildly within those male/female designs. Understanding God's design provides both structure and freedom.

I hope Pop's parents realize the futility of their blank slate approach to gender before the damage is done. With Pop due to become a big brothersister in the next few months, that realization can't come too soon.

Out-out-wedlock Births Out of Control

2009-06-25T14:25:54-07:00

By Scott Williams

The National Center for Health Statistics last week documented a dramatic rise in children born to unmarried mothers—and it attributed much of the increase to women in the 20s and 30s choosing to have children outside of marriage. "It's been a huge increase—a dramatic increase," said one center official. "It's quite striking."

The rise in unwed pregnancies is not just happening in the United States, but throughout most highly developed countries. In fact, compared with 13 other European nations and Japan, the U.S. out-of-wedlock marriage rate is somewhere in the middle of the pack.

Some countries have been on the rise for some time, others just recently. In Japan, the incidence of non-marital births is still low. In Scandinavian countries, it generally makes up half of all births, if not more. Here's the data for each country from 1980, and from the most recent surveys:

Country	1980	Current
Japan	1%	2%
Italy	4%	21%
Spain	4%	28%
Canada	13%	30%
Germany	12%	30%
Ireland	5%	33%
Netherlands	4%	40%
United States	18%	40%
United Kingdom	12%	44%
Denmark	33%	46%
France	11%	50%
Norway	15%	54%
Sweden	40%	55%
Iceland	40%	66%

If Iceland's non-marital birthrate seems unthinkably high, consider that the rate for 20-24 year-olds in the U.S. is a near-identical 60 percent rate. Nearly a third of births to 25-29 year-olds in the U.S. are also outside of marriage.

Social scientists are scrambling to explain the consistent, widespread surge in births outside marriage. Most focus on three primary factors: increased sexual activity outside marriage; the relaxing of social disapproval of out-of-wedlock childbearing; and the number of women delaying or forgoing marriage. In fact, the most recent Census Bureau data indicates that 40 percent women giving birth outside marriage are in cohabiting relationships.

Although we demographers may have a handle on the "what", few have effectively explained the "why" of women choosing to have children outside marriage. Has their view of marriage become jaded and cohabitation become the new marriage? Is pregnancy a woman's attempt to draw her man from a sexual relationship into a more committed marriage-type arrangement? Is motherhood a consolation prize leftover from childhood dreams of marrying Prince Charming and raising a family together?

No developed society can last for long when it fails to offer security and safety for its women and children, and direction and accountability for its men and adolescents. By distancing sex from procreation and childbearing from marriage, we effectively fragment our society into a collection of individuals who see love, sex, marriage and children as commodities that exist solely for their own happiness. In the meantime, we're bringing children into a world of instability and egocentrism that perpetuates the cycle exponentially.

Data continue to show that a child does best when raised in a stable, loving home with a mother and father each contributing uniquely to that child's development and happiness. While it's possible for a young mother to raise the child alone, it still puts the child at a disadvantage. Often unmarried mothers have much less time and money—two important elements for raising a child—than their married counterparts. And research is also beginning to show that a father plays an integral part in the development of a child.

And while it's possible for a cohabiting couple to raise children, data continue to show that those relationships fail at a much higher rate than traditional marriages. So, again, children of cohabiting couples often end up spending part of their developmental years without the optimal benefit of both parents.

So why is cohabitation seeing such a sharp rise in this country and so many others? Part of it is many couples settle for convenience over the more difficult but stable option. That often shows in the arguments they use against getting married. We'll look at some of those arguments in a followup post soon.

Nobody's Happy About Jon and Kate

2009-06-23T20:01:17-07:00

by Dave Boehi

There is an interesting aspect of the whole Jon and Kate Plus 8 drama that's been unfolding in the media over the past two months:

Few people are surprised by the announcement last night that Jon and Kate Gosselin are separating.

And nobody seems to be happy about it.

It's true that in America we appear to be drifting away from a commitment to marriage, with more couples than ever living together and having children out of wedlock. Our divorce rate remains one of the highest among nations. But a story like this shows me that most of us still want the dream to come true—we want couples to stay together and live happily ever after. We don't like watching them fall apart. And we don't like what divorce does to the children.

There are endless debates about who is at fault in this situation. To some, Kate is a dedicated mother who is doing everything she can for her kids; to others she is a harpy who controlled her husband and fell in love with the trappings of celebrity. To some, Jon is a loving father and unwitting victim of the celebrity lifestyle he chose; to others he is a passive husband who is unwilling to step in and do what he can to set things straight for the sake of his marriage and the children.

But I don't see many people happy about the Gosselins heading toward divorce. They're wondering why they don't seek counseling. They're worried about what this will do to the eight Gosselin children. It's a cultural conversation: Yesterday a co-worker was driving to work and heard a long discussion on radio about what Jon and Kate could to do save their marriage.

"This episode was the hardest, ever, for me to watch," one Entertainment Weekly reader lamented. "After the show was over, I broke down and cried. It was extremely hard (beyond words to describe) to even hear Jon and Kate say they are splitting up. When yo grow attached to a family, it is very hard to watch it all fall apart. I wish Jon and Kate were able to talk it out and not let it end this way. I am mostly concerned about what is going to happen to the children. I wish the family the best of luck and hope things can only get better."

For some, watching Jon and Kate's marriage deteriorate brought back some unhappy memories.

"Enough already!" another viewer commented. "Now the viewers (not me anymore) will be 'treated' to the sad reality of a broken family. I think most of us have seen something like this within our families and friends. It will be very painful to watch these two people and their children—too much reality for me."

I guess we like happy endings, and we can still pray for one here. I'd love to see Jon and Kate attend a Weekend to Remember marriage conference, for example—provided they left the camera crew at home. Marriages much worse than theirs have been saved when couples realize the need to make Christ the center of their lives and their relationship.

Their relationship is not hopeless. But they need to humble themselves to the point that they are willing to follow God no matter where He leads.

Father's Day and Forgiveness

2009-06-19T14:27:41-07:00

It comes around every third Sunday in June. A day is set aside to honor our earthly fathers and the contributions they have made to our lives. It's a day where we bring ourselves to say the deep, heartfelt things that we often think but rarely utter: appreciation for the sacrifices, strength, and guidance dad has provided.

For many, though, Father's Day is painful. They have grown up in a home where dad was abusive or distant, if he was even there. How do you bring yourself to honor one who seems so dishonorable?

One common choice is to hold on to bitterness. William Ireland was only six when his father, Ken, left the family for another woman. Young William spent his childhood years longing for his father, who had completely disappeared from the scene. A few years before his father's death, William found him and re-established contact. Then, despite the new relationship, the father left the entire estate to the other woman and her son.

Now, after years of legal wrangling, William Ireland has his father's ashes (after all, he paid for the funeral). The other woman and her son wanted to turn the ashes into a diamond. Instead, William is repaying his father by selling the ashes to the highest bidder on Ebay.

Another choice is to seek reconciliation. Liberty Mutual's Responsibility Project features several short films about acting responsibly in life. One particular video caught my eye (and left a tear in it as well). A young mother with a past similar to William's is forced to come to terms with the years of hurt and bitterness caused by her father's abandonment of the family. It's well worth the watch. Enjoy.

Is it possible to honor a parent who has betrayed you? Yes, but it requires forgiveness that's above your ability to extend. It requires you to know the perfect Heavenly Father, who, even when we have shown hostility to him, reaches out to us.

But God demonstrated His own love toward us, in that while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us. - Romans 5:8

FamilyLife has resources to help you to honor your father or mother, including a free download to help you craft a personal tribute. For those who have been blessed with good parents, writing a tribute is a way to show the overwhelming gratitude you feel but don't always show. For those who have been betrayed, writing a tribute can be an opportunity to work through hurt and bitterness and to reach out, not in anger, but with the love of the Heavenly Father.

The Family Manifesto

2009-06-17T09:52:07-07:00

In 1992, FamilyLife created a document to address the critical issues regarding marriage and family in today's world with guidelines from it's Creator. As I read it afresh today, it is as fresh and relevant as it was when it was created 17 years ago.

Following is the Preface. To read specifics on marriage, husbands and wives, childlessness, the sexual union, and commitment read The Family Manifesto on the FamilyLife website.

During the latter half of the twentieth century the American culture has suffered an unrelenting decline. Although scientific and technological advances have created an outer veneer of prosperity and progress, our inner moral values and convictions have rapidly crumbled. Once, most Americans based their sense of right and wrong on Judeo-Christian principles, which provided them with a solid, biblical foundation for life. Today, a growing number of Americans see morality and ethics as relative and subjective and have developed their own version of "morality" with little regard to absolute standards.

This idea of moral tolerance has been eroding the foundation of the American family and society. Many Americans today have little or no concept of how to maintain a successful marriage and how to raise children to become responsible adults. In addition, a growing number of educators, politicians, and members of the media are attacking and redefining the family, creating a vast amount of confusion about what a family is. Many people today proclaim that "family values" are important, but the gradual shift to moral relativism has led to a great debate about what "family values" ought to be.

Abraham Lincoln once said, "The strength of a nation lies in the homes of its people." It is our conviction that the family is the backbone of the Christian church and of society as a whole. History shows that, if any society wants to survive, it must uphold, strengthen, and continue to build upon the biblical institutions of marriage and family.

The Bible begins in Genesis with the marriage of a man and a woman and ends in the Book of Revelation with the marriage of Christ and His bride, the Church. In between, God provides timeless blueprints for family life, which, if followed in a spirit of humility and obedience, provide us with the only true way to maintain healthy family relationships.

The following document affirms this biblical model and challenges us to consider how we should live within the walls of our own homes. It is offered in a spirit of love and humility, not of judgment or contention. Furthermore, it is not intended to be a comprehensive doctrinal statement about what the Bible says about marriage, family, and related subjects.

Unquestionably, this document attempts to face critical cultural issues. We invite response from anyone who wishes to affirm the truths of marriage and family from the Scriptures. It is our hope that this document will serve to accurately represent the truth God has revealed to us in Scripture, will provide insight into what a biblical family looks like, and will show how we can honor and glorify Him in our family relationships.

We freely acknowledge that we, like all people, have often denied the biblical truths of family life by the way we live. We desire, however, to live by God's grace in accordance with the principles stated herein and to pass these principles on to future generations so that He will be honored and glorified as our families reflect His character.

Read The Family Manifesto in its entirety at FamilyLife.com.

Watch Your Words. They Shape the Kids.

2009-06-09T13:37:05-07:00