Family Of a Vet - PTSD, TBI, & Life After Combat

The Love Letter Campaign: To My Dearest Husband

2012-02-09T23:02:00.000-08:00

To My Dearest Husband Duane,

I promise to be faithful, open, and steadfast in our daily journey together.

Each day I promise to work through our life challenges side by side with you until we reach the solution.

I promise to challenge you to become all that you are meant to be and to support you tenderly when disappointments come.

I promise to make our home a safe, nurturing place for you and our children and to continue to learn, adapt and grow so this is possible.

I promise to make our marriage a spiritually meaningful celebration of living and sharing by opening my soul to you, to God and to the miracle of creation.

Each day I promise to choose again to love, cherish and respect you as we journey together for all the days that God allows us.

~Our Vows

We have not had our fairy tale have we honey? It has been so hard, so very hard, for us to find any space of happiness or peace. Sometimes I wonder how we have come so far down this road and work so hard and are still so stuck. I know that I am not always the perky, rah-rah girl you need and that I used to be. It’s hard to sustain 10 years of war, trauma, loss and battling bureaucracy. The reason I wanted to write to you though honey is that the constant questions in the back of your mind, “How much longer will she stay?” and “Why does she stay?” have almost become an expectation that I will abandon you. That expectation sometimes leads to much unhappiness between us when you withdraw, expecting the worst—a worst that others strongly suggest we explore and which my heart cannot conceive. So why do I stay and why do I love you?

Honey I remember you the way you really are. When I look at you I see the boy in my homeroom class or Ms. Lilienthal’s Pre-Algebra---shy, kind, very smart, idealistic, WONDERFUL. You were the first boy I ever gave a Valentine’s Day card too. I loved those lunch time talks while you worked on Mr. Dort’s computer and we talked about making the world a better place—about the army for you and teaching for me. I think, Mr. Dort knew he was hosting a lunch time date for a boy and a girl whose families would never have allowed them to date anybody. There were stars in my eyes for you then honey though you were too shy to look at them. I guess I always had regret that you left for the Army so quickly and I never got to say good-bye. I never forgot your birthday, ever, in the intervening 15 years.

We both tried to live our dreams, far from where we started and far from each other. Do you have any idea what a miracle it was to find each other again? I do and I guess it is the foundation of why I cherish you. We have both been told we were loved and then abandoned in cruelty. We know what it means to be the one who stands steadfast. Neither one of us is a ”leaver.” In the end though our dream, the dream on which our marriage was built, the dream of making a beautiful life for each other around the crater of hurts we have lived—well let’s just say it hasn’t really happened the way we hoped. I was thinking about this though and I realized Honey, it has happened though even when you didn’t realize it.

Each day as we struggle to hold on to your memories and health, as we scrounge to cover bills and food, in each of those days as we fight together to survive, we become stronger and more sure of the others love and steadfastness. Each time a baby is born into your hands or you hold my back as I do the work, there is the love that you question. When we team up to feed or teach or work with our children, each in our place, that is love. As we work so hard to make our babies well and help them overcome their special needs, there is love. Through each exhausted stressed out day that passes we have more certain knowledge that we will not back down, that we will not give up, and that we are there for each other. Each 16 hour work day is my gift of love. Each night when I poke you in the ribs to go check why another kid is up—that’s love. These may not seem like love but in the truest sense the fact, the very fact, that we are still here, still functioning, still beating the odds stacked against us is concrete proof of the depth of our love and friendship.

There is no one else who knows the exact agony of holding our beautiful, precious son Sam as he struggled and died.There is no one else who knows how we have struggled to and anguished over making the right choices and facing our demons of fear, anxiety and sadness. I fight for you and with you because, at the end of the day honey, there is no one I would rather be with or cuddle close to in the coldness of night, than the man I have loved since he was a boy.

Even if I was forced to start over and please hear this, IF I was FORCED to start over, my heart would always ache for you and would only be waiting until I could see you again. Nothing compares to the reality of being a couple who has shared the depths of pain, the glory of new life, the agony of illness, the adventure of the unknown, the torment of unfair emotional and physical torture from others and still rises from the ashes each day.

In the recent traumas when you have been away physically against your will or hospitalized or

psychologically and mentally gone because of TBI/PTSD, I have had to fight to hold onto the love that I feel. In the end, what I know is that we are not and must not be defined by these experiences. You are not defined by your financial status, your illnesses or your injuries and their symptoms. You are the man who set out to protect America, the man who can/does deny your every need for others, the most gentle person, who never wants to hurt anyone or make any mistakes. Your soul is still you. I see YOU. It is the “you” that I know and believe to be in you that I love. I don’t love lost, angry, PTSD man and I don’t for one minute believe that is you—that is just the symptom. I don’t love mixed up, I forgot man, who messes up (and I don’t hate him either by the way) and I definitely do not love angry, warrior man, raging at everything—I know these are symptoms in a person I love deeply. For me, this is where love and commitment and doing the right thing covers the distance. I believe that God gave you to me in answer to my prayers made so long ago. I believe he spared your life as you died four times so that you would be able to receive the children and I as His gift to you. I believe truly that God’s presence is in our marriage and that it perfects our love when we are short of covering the distance because of hurt, frustration, and sadness. I believe that there is a plan for us and that it does not include forever suffering. That belief lets me love you and keep trying with a fresh start every day

You don’t know this but I think of us as Tommy and Gina –Bon Jovi’s favorite couple. This is our life and as tough as we have to be to make it, at the core of my heart there is absolute love and acceptance of you. Yes, I am sometimes confused about how to meet your needs and our children’s special needs at the same time. I never ever stop loving you, wanting you in my life, desiring you and even celebrating the fact that you are alive. Of course no one wants to live in constant crisis and fear. That way of living needs to change right away. I believe that our love is stronger than TBI/PTSD, MKE and trichloroethylene, poly-trauma, loss, grief, and victimization. Our love and the wonderful family that we have grown in spite of all of that is our miracle.

Your smile, your efforts, your sacrifices, your positive energy is so important and so appreciated. It gets me through the darker days. It is the sunshine in our life. I live for you to show that real part of your nature. I am proud to be your wife--a warrior wife. I am proud that we stand tall and do not back down. I love that after all the beatings you do stand tall and that we have each others backs. That to me is real, abiding, and steadfast love.

So honey when you feel discouraged or very sure that I won’t love you forever, please remember this

note, read it again and remember that no matter what happens or where the twists and turns of fate

take us, deep down, hones,t and true, I love you and have always loved you and always will.

Impossible is not a word—at least not in our house—look together with me at faith, hope and love

because that is our TRUTH!

With All My Love,

Rebecca

This blog post is part of The Love Letter Campaign... a project started by FamilyOfaVet.com to encourage those who love a hero to write a letter sharing their story (where they started, what they've faced together, and why their love endures). It's not just for spouses, but also for parents, siblings, caregivers, and friends. It's about telling the "rest" of our stories... stories that continue despite PTSD, TBI, and the challenges of life after combat. To share your love letter or find out more about the campaign, visit http://www.familyofavet.com/love_letters.html.

The Love Letter Campaign: His Letter to Me

2012-02-09T21:35:00.000-08:00

This is an amazing letter my husband recently wrote to me while on our Healing Trip with the Higher Ground for Veterans and their Caregivers..

S,

I value everyday because I have you to guide me through the fog. You are the light at the end of a dark tunnel to me. I know that I do not show you how much I appreciate what you do for me, but I am very grateful for everyday I have had you in my life. You make life bearable for me and take care of so much. You are an amazing mother and wife to me. You have put up with so much and we have gotten through so much. I am so grateful to have met you. You are the best thing that happened to me in life besides the kids and I hope we can grow to live long together and have better times. I love you so much.

Love, C

This blog post is part of The Love Letter Campaign... a project started by FamilyOfaVet.com to encourage those who love a hero to write a letter sharing their story (where they started, what they've faced together, and why their love endures). It's not just for spouses, but also for parents, siblings, caregivers, and friends. It's about telling the "rest" of our stories... stories that continue despite PTSD, TBI, and the challenges of life after combat. To share your love letter or find out more about the campaign, visit http://www.familyofavet.com/love_letters.html.

The Love Letter Campaign: "You're every line, you're every word, you're everything"

2012-02-09T21:17:00.000-08:00

Babe,

I remember watching you from across the room at the Rhinebeck - Rheinbach Exchange choir practice seven (how has it been that long already?!) years ago. I couldn’t pinpoint what it was at the time, but there was something different about you than any guy I had ever dated. I tried to shrug it off and we went on with those months of practice; visiting Germany together and then getting caught in the rain at the penguin exhibit at the Cologne Zoo. That is a moment in time I never want to forget. Because at that moment, I knew my feelings for you were stronger than I realized. Then I left for college and you joined the Army a year later.

We had other relationships, and it wasn’t until you deployed to Ramadi in 2006 that we reconnected. I’ve never told you this, but I couldn’t get over how special I felt knowing that I was one of the chosen people you wanted to talk to in between those intense missions. To feel like I could at least make you smile for a moment in the midst of all of that chaos was so important to me. And then when you came home. . .

. . . seeing you come out of the train station in that snowstorm was one of the happiest moments of my life. We had two of the best weeks when you were on leave. Saying “see you later” and sending you off to Germany was heartbreaking, but when you surprised me by flying me out to visit you and taking me back to Cologne, where it all began -- that’s when I knew we would always be together.

We had such a honeymoon relationship that first long-distance year. We had no idea what was in store for us, with your PTSD and TBI diagnoses not on our radar. It was a total life changing moment in February 2008 when I flew out to Ft. Lewis to move in with you. We were CRAZY for doing that, by the way! But, we were crazy for each other and somehow we got through it!

Then reality set in and we realized we had a long, hard road to go down. We have been through SO much. There have been so many times where we felt like our little world was falling apart and that the PTSD and the TBI were going to beat us. I know there have been more times than you want to think about where you just wanted to scream, cry, to give up, to not worry about anything and to shut down. I know sometimes I have pushed and prodded and nagged you about getting treatment, or taking your medication, or about you forgetting something that was important -- I know you get annoyed with me. I know I get annoyed with you, too.

But, I know that you are TRYING.

And even though sometimes we feel like we will never get ahead of this, the best is yet to come. We have so much to look forward to in the next 5, 10, 25 years. You are working so hard to provide for us. And at the end of the day, you come home and ask me how my day went; you support me when I am stressed, anxious, and scared about what the future holds. You help pick me up and feel confident about myself when so often I feel self-conscious and not good enough. You are my rock, my foundation.

You have come SO far, babe. More than any words I could say or any look I could give you to express just how far you have come. And I am just so damn proud of you and the person you are today. I am so proud to be your friend, your partner in life, and your “one true love.”

Ich liebe dich.
Je t’adore.

Submitted by LeAnn Bradshaw-Mueller, wife of an Army Combat Medic and OIF Veteran

This blog post is part of The Love Letter Campaign... a project started by FamilyOfaVet.com to encourage those who love a hero to write a letter sharing their story (where they started, what they've faced together, and why their love endures). It's not just for spouses, but also for parents, siblings, caregivers, and friends. It's about telling the "rest" of our stories... stories that continue despite PTSD, TBI, and the challenges of life after combat. To share your love letter or find out more about the campaign, visithttp://www.familyofavet.com/love_letters.html.

The Love Letter Campaign: To My Lovely Wife

2012-02-08T21:15:00.000-08:00

My dear wife,

Four years ago we started dating and you've been with me through so much through hell or at worst time you thought about giving up on me. Sometimes I thought you should because of the pain I put you through the hell I've caused these these years yet you stuck with me and made me get help not only for me, but for you too. Being diagnosed with a lot of different things...TBI, PTSD, bi-polar... things that make life hard to live with me most of the time. There so many times I wanted to leave because it was hard to live with myself, but also to live with someone else. You had two great boys from another marriage and in time they because mine. I grew to love those kids and they started calling me dad. That was the greatest feeling in the world to hear two kids call me dad. We lived together for a while, until your mom got sick so we took care of her until her death

December of 2010 we where married. It was the happiest day in my life, even through all the problems we had and the suffering I caused; we where married so we bought our house and started living our lives together until my problems caught up with me again. The problems had me going to the hospital for the holidays for suicide attempts because it was hard to live with memory's. In my head more and more hell come out in the allegations of abuse were brought against me and life seemed to fall more and more and more into hell. I seemed to be falling.

After finally coming clean and telling you a lot of things that I held on to and refused to tell anyone for the shame I felt the addiction to porn the lying not telling you the truth there so many things. As I write you this letter I wish I could take them all back, but can't. I see now the hurt I caused and see now there is only one way to go and that's with you I see that with you beside me this is a gift God has giving me. When the Blake Shelton song came out "God Gave Me You" and listening to those lyrics I knew that he was telling me something through the song that you where there to help me reach peace in my life and that it was time to let go the bad and move on from the bad. It hit me that the best was forward. I can't take back the hurt or the pain I caused, the only thing I can do is love you for the rest of my life and one day sit on the front porch and rock the world away as you hair turns gray and white and then to watch our kids grow up and become dads and have kids to spoil. That is the dream I want to live. I pray the bad is behind me. I pray that I can continue to get help from VA and other places this is my letter to you my wife my love my best friend

Love
Michael

This blog post is part of The Love Letter Campaign... a project started by FamilyOfaVet.com to encourage those who love a hero to write a letter sharing their story (where they started, what they've faced together, and why their love endures). It's not just for spouses, but also for parents, siblings, caregivers, and friends. It's about telling the "rest" of our stories... stories that continue despite PTSD, TBI, and the challenges of life after combat. To share your love letter or find out more about the campaign, visithttp://www.familyofavet.com/love_letters.html.

Fight or Flight

2012-02-07T22:50:00.000-08:00

Fight or Flight... These are words I have heard more times than I care to think about....

I remember the first time I ever heard my husband utter the words "Fight or Flight", I stood there and just looked at him like he had a horn growing from his head trying to understand what in the world he was referring to. As the days turned into weeks, months, and then years it all dawned on me. To stay alive when deployed he literally had to live by these words. He either had to run like hell for his life or he had to fight like hell to stay alive. Honestly, I don't think these words hold much meaning until one is placed into the situation that they have to live by the "fight or flight" motto.

Looking back over the years and deployments, I feel like these words are what helped to keep my husband alive and often, it's like they still keep him alive. It's hard to explain really. I struggle with accepting, I guess you could say, the reality of the possibility that Kevin will always be like this and will continue living by this motto. Will he ever let up on it or will this be one of those things that get him through his days? Will he ever feel "safe" in life or will everything be a threat as it has the past almost five years?

I feel so frustrated, angry, heartbroken and lost in ways that I never thought I would be because Kevin isn't the man that I married so long ago... He isn't the man that I fell in love with twelve years ago before the army ever came to be apart of our lives and even though this is exactly where I want to be, I struggle with accepting this is how things will be from here on out. Maybe accepting is the wrong word to use...I mean, this is our reality now, these our are lives.

I have noticed on many occasions that when things get tough or tense, the words "fight or flight" seem to be the first thing to pop out of his mouth. It is to the point that when I see something that would set him off, those are the first words that now come to my mind and as more time passes, I can see how those words kept him alive through his deployments. In some surreal way... it all makes sense...

Brittney Biddle
Proud Wife of a Wounded OIF Combat Veteran
FOV Communications Liaison
brittney@familyofavet.com

The Love Letter Campaign: To My Hero, My Love, My Everything

2012-02-07T15:54:00.000-08:00

Our relationship has been quite the roller coaster ride from the beginning. We started out on that slow uphill climb, awaiting the anticipation of what came next. Then came the fast downfall and sharp turn, and things fell apart. We turned another corner and started another exciting climb. We went up and down on this roller coaster with a few twists and turns but it finally came to that long stretch where you slow down and come to a halt.

It was then that we were both very committed and ready to get married. It was about 3 weeks before our wedding date when we found out you were being deployed to Iraq. We were both full of so many different emotions, but, we knew this time would eventually come. What neither of us were prepared for was that we were getting ready to get back on that roller coaster, only this time, that roller coaster would be a different one, that would linger the rest of our lives.

To an outsider looking in, they may say that we are crazy to stay together, what they don't see is the reason's that I stay. No, to the average person, we don't have a great marriage, but when have we ever been average and you know the saying “you can't judge a book by it's cover,” well, the cover doesn't even scratch the surface. What the average person doesn't know or see, is that we DO have a great marriage, the kind of marriage that everyone wants and longs for. We stick together and we know how to work together to have it. A relationship is work and you have to be willing in order to keep it.

You are one of the most caring people I have ever met, you would give a stranger the shirt off your back if the need be. You go out of your way to help people and the community/neighbors in ways that others would never acknowledge, let alone do themselves. Family is the most important thing to you, your family always comes first and you do everything/anything for them. This includes extended family, not just immediate family. You also put your life on the line everyday to protect mine, our families, the neighbors and Americans everywhere. You take great pride in being a soldier, that is something that very few can say. For those reasons, which is just a very small few, is why I love you and am so proud of you and honored to be your wife. To tell you every reason would require me to write a book but I hope that I tell you enough that you are aware of all the little reasons as well.

The other day, you asked me if I was happy. My answer to you without hesitation was YES! While it is true, we have a few more obstacles to work through than the average couple, the truth remains that we are both willing to put the effort it takes. When so many would rather run when things get extremely tough, we are together, pushing forward. We have overcome so much together, we have been tested time and time again yet, we stand beside each other, we support each other and we help each other learn and grow. Everyday may be some kind of struggle, some new and some we have faced time and time before but our love is strong enough to endure what ever may be thrown our way.

You are my light, my strength, my hero, my best friend, my forever love!

Submitted by Julie

This blog post is part of The Love Letter Campaign... a project started by FamilyOfaVet.com to encourage those who love a hero to write a letter sharing their story (where they started, what they've faced together, and why their love endures). It's not just for spouses, but also for parents, siblings, caregivers, and friends. It's about telling the "rest" of our stories... stories that continue despite PTSD, TBI, and the challenges of life after combat. To share your love letter or find out more about the campaign, visithttp://www.familyofavet.com/love_letters.html.

I am sad

2012-02-06T20:22:00.000-08:00

I'm having an incredibly, overwhelmingly, amazingly difficult time the last month or so. I am sad. And everything I read or see, no matter how small or stupid, makes it 10 times worse. Like my stupid cat was laying under the chair and when I moved it hurt her toe and now I want to sob. I would blame it on hormones, but it's been too long. Not at all suicidal (nobody freak out), but thinking things that aren't at all in my normal thought vocabulary... things I know could head me in that direction eventually... things I know are not my normal way of thinking.

Funny thing. You're the first person I've told. Haven't been able to bring myself to actually say this to anyone. I keep trying... opening my mouth... but just can't quite get the words out.

Everything in my world is getting to be too much and there's nothing that I can or would back off from, so I'm not sure what to do about that. There's just so much pressure... so many ways and places that an "average" day in this unstable world with PTSD and TBI can go wrong... so many things to worry about, watch for, wait on. There's so much responsibility and chaos and guessing and confusion. There's so much weight... so much weight.

I feel old. And ragged. And used up.

How does one get over feeling used up at just past thirty?

I miss him. I miss carefree days. I miss silliness. I miss relaxation. I miss not planning. I miss a lot. But I'm going to stop typing, before I cry again.

Monday Momisms: This Moms Promise

2012-02-06T19:30:00.001-08:00

I came home the other evening to my husband sitting outside. He helped me bring my things in from work. I walked in the door and my son came up to me with a mask on his face. I jumped a little and we all three laughed. Then my son asked me to listen to a song he and one of his buddies listened to while he was in the service. That's when I saw it.

I saw the look in his eyes that told me inside that stranger somewhere was my son. In 2001, weeks before 9/11, my son signed up on his 18^th birthday. The morning of the attacks, I woke him up and told him what happened and that we would get him out of his contract. I was terrified. He hugged me and said “No, Mom, I have to go. For you, Jeremy and the Munchkin (his nickname for his little sister). It's more important than ever. America is mine.”

That was the son I had raised. Protective of me and his siblings. Caring about friends and family. Never even had a traffic ticket in his life. We had one night a week set up for just the four of us, usually dinner and a movie. The rest of the time many of their friends spent just as much time at our house as their own. We had the Super Bowl parties, movies, popcorn, bacon tomato cups and game nights. I always had walking partners cause the girls who crushed on my sons would always be around and several times some of them would walk around the neighborhood with me.

My son went to Iraq in 2003. This young man was close to his commander and several of his comrades. He even brought some home to show them what he thought was the greatest place in the world...his hometown.

In 2004, my son surprised us when he was given a two-week leave. I heard a knock on my door and glanced out the window to see a soldier. I have to admit, at first, I was terrified. Then I felt the Lord telling me to open the door and hug my son. My shock turned to joy. My son was home!

During his leave, we spent practically every moment together. I got my first glimpses of the stranger who was sharing my son's body. He had a nightmare one night that brought me running when I heard him scream, He shared it with me and my best friend at dinner the next evening. He was driving a humvee, the Tigris River on one side, innocent Iraqis on the other, insurgents in front of him and his brother and sister in the back. He had to make a split-second decision. Being a driver over there was overwhelming and affecting his sleep.

While he was home, we went to get his car registered. He was at the window talking to the lady when his sister walked over to the vending machine across the room but in full view of me. He walked away from the window, took his sister by the arm and brought her back to me, telling me not to let her get that far because I did not know what could happen to her.

He returned to Iraq and came home a few months later. At the end of 2005, he got out with an honorable discharge when his enlistment was up. I was relieved. The damage, however, was already done.

My son has a compression on the left side of his skull that was found with an EEG. He has a brain injury, PTSD, epileptic seizures, headaches, memory loss and mood swings. When his VA benefits came through, I was relieved that his brain injury would then be monitored for the rest of his life. That is, of course, when he can remember to keep his appointments. I am in charge of trying to help him remember things like that. But I am in my late 40s and I know that I will not always be here or be healthy enough to take care of him. I'm giving it my all right now, though.

People ask me why I keep doing this when he gets agitated with me at times. It's because of the son that I hugged the day he left for the Middle East. It is because of the big brother my other two children saw off to war. The young man who DID come home is loved and I am grateful that he is still alive. I do miss the part of him we lost over there and if you have a loved one with a brain injury and/or PTSD, you understand exactly what I mean.

He asked me one time why I care. I told him the same thing: “Because I see parts of the old you sometimes.”

No, my son did not “give all” but he gave a LOT. Our whole family did. We will live with Operation Iraqi Freedom for the rest of our lives. My only regret and I am not ashamed to admit it here on this blog in writing is that I did not literally kidnap my son and keep him from going to Iraq.

Still, once in awhile, I get a glimpse of the old son just as I did the other night. He is the reason why I am still here, fighting indifference and gossip, insisting he be treated fairly, He wrote a blank check when he went to war. It got cashed and we are dealing with the “overdraft fees” every day and as long as this Mama is alive and able, he will have someone to count on. That's this Mama's promise.

Submitted by Monica Newton

A PTSD-on-steroids kind of day...

2012-02-05T19:33:00.000-08:00

So today I'm having a "hello, secondary PTSD, my how I did not miss you" kind of day and the hubby is having a PTSD-on-steroids kind of day and our sweet daughter is having a whine-without-ceasing kind of day.

Which means, in all fairness, our house should have come with it's own, neon, flashing warning label since about 7:00 am this morning... ENTER AT YOUR OWN RISK... or better yet RUN FOR YOUR FREAKING LIVES.

By 8:15 this morning even the animals in our household were trying to escape.

By noon, my level "nurse talking to my patient" voice had long since evaporated and my seams were obviously fraying. I was out of ideas to keep our daughter busy. I was in survival mode.

By 2:00 pm, I walked upstairs, shut the bathroom door and took a bath in the dark... hoping somehow that the darkness and sound of running water would soothe me. Unfortunately, this trick that works most of the time, failed today.

By 4:00 pm, I was grasping at all available straws. A family member called and asked if they could take our daughter for ice cream. SALVATION... or so I thought. Again, not so much. In the short time they were here picking her up, they managed to ask several uncomfortable questions that only made the hubby's mood worse. Then, when they brought her back, they managed to wake the finally sleeping hubby. Insert expletive.

I went to a local home improvement store at 6 pm (1 hour before they closed) to get some stuff for a contractor who will be here tomorrow to finish doing some renovations we're having done to make our lower level easier for the hubby to access. At about 6:40 I was still dazed and confused, trying to wade through the list the contractor left me, and the guy helping me was fussing and reminding me every two minutes that I had 20 minutes, 18 minutes, 16 minutes, etc, etc, before the store closed. So, eventually I cried. Not because my feelings were hurt, but simply because I was finally just too overwhelmed. Insert uncomfortable silence from the now very confused store clerk.

So as I sit typing, it's a little past 9:00 pm and I'm so glad it's finally almost quiet here, but I'm so keyed up now there's no way I'm going to be able to sleep for hours yet. It's been, in all truth and honesty, one long, incredible mess of a day. I'm no where near ready for the week to start tomorrow. I'm tired. No, I'm weary.

But, tomorrow, I'll get up, put my "big girl panties on" and do it again. I'll hug my husband, I'll hug my daughter, and we'll start fresh. That's the thing about nurturing a life and a family that includes injuries like PTSD and traumatic brain injury. Our days can turn on a dime. Surviving them... and thriving in them... is all about gaining fuel and momentum from the good days and letting go, moving on, and forgiving our heroes and ourselves for the bad ones.

So, here's to tomorrow... and many more tomorrows... in a different than expected life with a man I love... even on days like this :)

Thanks for listening,

Brannan Vines
Proud wife of an OIF Veteran
Founder of FamilyOfaVet.com - an organization dedicated to helping heroes and their loved ones survive and thrive after combat with real world info about PTSD, TBI, and more!

The Love Letter Campaign: My Treasure, I Love You

2012-02-05T13:58:00.000-08:00

I remember when we first started dating, everyone told us we won’t last long. They gave us a year at the most, wonder how many of our friends lost their money on this one?

Our love for each other was never easy. You serving for your country and me serving for mine. We caused a lot of attention, when we walked around in uniform together to grab some food on the way home. I know we started our relationship head over heels. If someone would have told me that I would ever leave Germany I would have said they are crazy. Well falling in love with you, changed that for me pretty soon! The way you made me laugh, the way you touched my face, and the way you completed my sentences, was what made me fall in love with you. This is why I was so sure about spending the rest of my life with you is the right thing to do. Everybody thought we must be crazy or I must be pregnant that is why we got married. That part of our family came more than two years later. You gave me our beautiful son, who is still looking up at you for all you have done. He wants to be just like you serving his country (even if it is still unclear which one that will be...lol).

Shortly after we moved to Georgia, you deployed with your new unit. This was not our first time going through this together, but I must say it was harder for me this time around. The different country, my car accident, and no close unit this time was a tough one to swallow. I was living for the moments to hear from you! You would call me and sing to me on the phone, like you used to do while you where home. I could tell that something was different, but I could not put my finger on it back than. After over a year you finally returned home! The first weeks where wonderful, besides you not wanting to go anywhere and having nightmares. From there on our life together went downhill. Anger outbursts, picking fights for no reason, panic attacks...where just a few of the daily things we struggle with. I had to convince you to get help and they diagnosed you with PTSD and several other things. This led to your medical retirement. Not knowing what civilian life is like no more,we decided to move closer to your family. Since than we struggled more than ever to keep our little family together. After one of our worst times together, we found out that you had a TBI all along, what the Army conveniently missed out on. Since that time we are fighting to live a normal life.The VA system has made it really hard for us the past couple of years, but hopefully with our new understanding caseworkers in the OIF team, we will get the help you deserve. Your emotional roller coaster and symptoms are sometimes more than we both can handle, but I life for the little moments where I see my old love shine through the anger of war.

I know in my heart that you love us dearly, and that you are terribly sorry for every situation you act out on differntly. It is so frustrating to see you struggle with all your invisible wounds. But let me assure you, you will never be left behind my proud American Soldier! I will love you forever!

No matter if people will ever understand the sacrifices you guys made and still continue to do daily for every single person here in the USA to have their freedom!

Ich liebe Dich, mein Schatz (My Treasure, I love you)!

Submitted by Sandra Touchet, Proud Wife of an OIF Veteran

This blog post is part of The Love Letter Campaign... a project started by FamilyOfaVet.com to encourage those who love a hero to write a letter sharing their story (where they started, what they've faced together, and why their love endures). It's not just for spouses, but also for parents, siblings, caregivers, and friends. It's about telling the "rest" of our stories... stories that continue despite PTSD, TBI, and the challenges of life after combat. To share your love letter or find out more about the campaign, visithttp://www.familyofavet.com/love_letters.html.

The Love Letter Campaign: The First Dad I Remember

2012-02-03T22:31:00.000-08:00

J.H.

You were a Green Beret. You are the first dad I remember. I am lucky. I have a dad who is in Heaven, I had you and I have a dad who has been around since I was 3. My dad in Heaven, I have no memories of. I was ten months old when he was killed in the line of service. You were there when my mom and my brother got the news. You took care of us.

When my mom began dating my dad who has been around since I was three-- he had to go TDY to Korea for a year. You took care of my family then too. You came over after working all day to put together my bicycle so that when I woke up in the morning on my birthday, I would see it. I got a spanking along with your younger son (your boys were my brothers) when we got caught putting sand in a gas tank. (Ee gads!) I knew then that I your daughter too.

We were taught if you fell asleep on the couch that we were to be careful about waking you. We knew that you might wake up in battle, as your first reaction. These are the consequences of war. You had gone into a burning huey to try to save men... you had to have skin grafts... You lost your brother in Vietnam. I knew you to be a kind, gentle man. And I loved you then and I love you still with all of my heart.

All I have is one picture of you. It is framed and on my wall. I have not seen you since we left Ft Bragg. I have never forgotten you and carry your memory. I search for you and search for you and wonder if perhaps you don't want to be found.

I just want to be able to hug you and tell you, "Thank you. I love you forever and always"

Love,
Sissy Wasley

This blog post is part of The Love Letter Campaign... a project started by FamilyOfaVet.com to encourage those who love a hero to write a letter sharing their story (where they started, what they've faced together, and why their love endures). It's not just for spouses, but also for parents, siblings, caregivers, and friends. It's about telling the "rest" of our stories... stories that continue despite PTSD, TBI, and the challenges of life after combat. To share your love letter or find out more about the campaign, visithttp://www.familyofavet.com/love_letters.html.

Pain of the Invisible Scar

2012-02-02T19:31:00.000-08:00

The main goal of this post is to bring light to what it is like to live with PTSD through the eyes of a Military Wife (myself). My Husband served a year in Iraq from 2005-2006. We have been blessed with three children. I am a very open person and intend to write my blog that way. I encourage comments and look forward to this new adventure that we are going to have together.

I started writing when I was a young teenager and needed an outlet for all of the overwhelming feelings I was dealing with. I struggled with having to live in a house with an alcoholic Father, co-dependent Mother, and a younger sister who I felt responsible to protect from it all. To this day even though my sister is well into her twenties I still feel the desire to protect her from the world. My Father has since gotten sober which I am very proud of him for but I still struggle with how to have a relationship with a person whose now someone I never knew growing up. Does that make sense? For those of you who have parents with addiction issues I think you will better understand what I mean by that. It is hard to explain but it is as if you grew-up with your parent always being a certain way and now that they are sober, they are somebody very different.

I struggle to have open conversations with my Dad about my Husband’s PTSD because while I know he genuinely wants to understand what on earth is going on in my marriage and home, at the end of the day he seems to be of the thinking that if Paul would just get out of the house and go to work that everything would be better. Sadly that is just not the truth. Paul (Hubby) will never be able to just forget and move on from watching his best friend burn to death. Those smells and sounds will forever be burned into his memory. Why is that so hard for people to understand?

I find that family members seem to struggle the most with trying to understand what PTSD, TBI, and any combat related injury can do to your everyday life. While you are still in the recovery and acceptance phase of what happened while you are deployed it is very hard to keep those “demons” at bay. Just getting out of bed each day can be a challenge.

I wish more people understood the pain of an invisible scar.

Submitted by JA Raines

The Love Letter Campaign: You Had me From Hello

2012-02-02T17:36:00.000-08:00

The night we met, we hardly spoke. Not much more was said except, "hello", but that night I told my best friend, "That's the man I am going to marry!" She, along with most everyone else, told me I was crazy and laughed it off. You finished your second tour in Iraq, and shortly after you returned we were married! That first year was good. We had a great relationship. We were always spending time together, whether it was watching movies, going to ballgames, taking walks, going out to dinner... We enjoyed each others company so much. Due to an injury in Iraq, you had surgery and received a medical discharge from the army. We returned to civilian life, but after a few short weeks, it was very evident that you were not the same man I married.

The man I married was happy, compassionate, thoughtful, caring, fun, the list goes on. Over the course of a few weeks, you became a man I did not even know. Paranoid, depressed, angry and short-tempered, withdrawn, that list goes on, too. There were days at a time you would not even speak to me or even look my way. You sat there, an empty shell of the man I once knew. Many times I wanted to give up, but I knew something was wrong with you. I knew I had to figure out why my wonderful husband had turned into someone I didn't even recognize. After much research, I started learning about PTSD. That started our journey of the healing process. I was, and still am, determined to help you in every possible way.

You are a true soldier. The battle you have been fighting for the last 5 years shows how brave and dedicated you are. We have had some very good times in our marriage, but also some VERY difficult times. There have been many days that I dropped to my knees and said"Lord, I can't take this anymore." And each time that thought runs through my head, I'm reminded of His promise to never put on me more than I can handle. I also know that I vowed to love you in sickness or health, and for better or worse. I vowed to you to love you until death do us part, and that's still my promise today. So we forged on, refusing to give up. You are such a strong man. Going through years of counseling, even though it's very uncomfortable at times, and being on many different medications and lots of medication adjustments I know has been really hard. But you still keep on, because you know you have a wife and children who love you and depend on you to be there.

It took a few months to get the diagnosis of PTSD, but it was great to have a name to put with all the symptoms you had been experiencing. I was scared to death though. I had read a lot about PTSD, and I knew that this was not going to be an easy fix. PTSD had taken my husband from me, and my children's father from them. I was scared and upset. I thought I was going to have to raise our kids without you. But you chose to fight this fight head on, and never turn back! Since you started treatment, you have made so much progress, and I am so proud of you. You amaze me with your determination and courage to beat this. I know PTSD will never just go away. But you are learning to deal with it and go on with life. You are an amazing father and your kids adore you. You are a wonderful husband, and I never doubt your love for me. We have been through many ups and downs, and times of great uncertainty. But we will not give up.

Though it's been hard at times, this journey has made our marriage so much stronger than it was before. For a time, you were very"disconnected" from everyone and everything. That's just another symptom of this disorder. But since learning how to cope, you have opened up to me more than I ever thought you would. We have such a comfort in each other now that we didn't have before. We have a closeness that no one else could understand. As a couple, we have grown so much through all this. And for that I'm thankful. I'm so proud of you, and I am proud to be your wife. I love to hear you laugh and see you smile again. I missed that for so long. I'm so fortunate to have a husband who loves us enough to face the hard stuff and be determined to overcome it. You are a true American soldier- going forward even though it may be difficult.

Someone once said,"We are not the same persons this year as last; nor are those we love. It is a happy chance if we, changing, continue to love a changed person" We are not the same as we were, but we keep learning as we go, and it truly is a happy moment when we continue loving through so much change.

I love you. I'm proud of you. I'm here for you, and always will be.

I Love You and Happy Valentines Day!
- Lisa

This blog post is part of The Love Letter Campaign... a project started by FamilyOfaVet.com to encourage those who love a hero to write a letter sharing their story (where they started, what they've faced together, and why their love endures). It's not just for spouses, but also for parents, siblings, caregivers, and friends. It's about telling the "rest" of our stories... stories that continue despite PTSD, TBI, and the challenges of life after combat. To share your love letter or find out more about the campaign, visithttp://www.familyofavet.com/love_letters.html.

Astellate Ganglion Block | Dr. Eugene Lipov | Chicago-Area Doctor Helps Develop New PTSD Treatment

2012-02-02T15:56:00.000-08:00

Astellate Ganglion Block Dr. Eugene Lipov Chicago-Area Doctor Helps Develop New PTSD Treatment

PTSD Injection Peterson Update

2012-02-01T23:45:00.001-08:00

Sixteen days ago, my husband, who has been struggling with flashbacks, anxiety, sleep disturbances, mood changes, etc... underwent an experimental treatment for PTSD. Its called the Stellate Ganglion Block, and you can read more about Dr. Lipov and this treatment here http://www.advancedpaincenters.org/

The effects were quick. That day, within 30 minutes or so even, I saw a decrease in his symptoms. That night, we enjoyed dinner together for the first time since 2006. The next day, my husband and I walked around downtown Chicago and window shopped on Michigan Avenue. Then, we had an enjoyable flight back home, after spending HOURS at the O'hare airport.

You think I'm crazy.

She's lying.

He must not have had PTSD *that* bad to begin with.

I am not exaggerating, or lying. Go look for yourself. What do you have to lose? Want to know what we lost? Nothing. The effects were that quick, and that noticable. However, as time goes on, the effect is waning. I am seeing his anxiety creep back. He was supposed to go to inpatient PTSD treatment on Feb 7 but because he was doing so good, we wanted to hold off and enjoy this reprive.

His ptsd symptoms (paranoia, checking stuff, scanning, hand rolling, nightmares, flashbacks) are still much less present in our life right now, but, he is starting to report feeling anxious, tense, "on the edge", and wanting to just "walk away".

It is not unusual for recipients of the SGB to require another injection, we knew this would happen, it was only a matter of when. So he is going back to Illinois later this month to receive his second injection for PTSD. We are very hopeful.

We have come to another conclusion. Rather, we are *coming* to another conclusion. He still needs treatment. The pills alone were not working. The shot is not a cure. Treatment alone is not beneficial. Perhaps arming our young men and women with an arsenol of tools will provide them the path to success and happiness.

We both have our reservations about treatment, we are afraid they will pump him full of pills again. He doesn't want that, nor do I.

I am fiercly protective of him. But I cannot fight this battle for him. I can only fight with him. And up until now, he was not fighting. He was defeated. I was dying from years of fighting alone, and I am only now just beginning to feel my soul awaken.

I know that we are not through this, this is not behind us. But I feel that with this injection, we were given more strength, power, and insight, into *how* to handle this.

As his anxiety begins to slowly boil, his feet are opening again. It will be interesting to see if the injection again helps his feet.

So that is the update on our life with the SGB.

In other news, Fox News chicago will be airing a piece on our injection, and living with PTSD. I hope you google it and watch it.

I hope you share it.

I hope you for just one minute feel the depth and severity of living with PTSD and other war related illness and injuries.

With that said, once you do feel it, once you know it, go to familyofavet.com and learn how you can help....

~Kateri

The Love Letter Campaign: My Promise

2012-01-31T21:38:00.000-08:00

When we first met, I don't know what it was about you but I wanted us to work out and be together more than anything. I can't explain it. I wanted to drag you with me to Texas or North Carolina or wherever I went to school and never be apart from you. A lot has changed since we first met. I've never been a fan of change, but I've had to learn, that's for sure. When things didn't work out in our first time around, I was crushed. For the first time in my life I found myself, like so many veterans, drowning my sorrows on weeknights in a bar alone. The events that followed were like a sad movie. I saw you cry for the first time. As horrible as that was, I still cherish that the only time I've ever seen you cry was when you thought you were going to lose me. That's how I know you love me. When you were trying to "court" me the second time around you were so good at writing letters and I fell so much deeper in love with you. You don't do that anymore, much to my dismay. But you still hold my hand. And you still tell me you love me before you hang up the phone or leave the house..every time..no matter how much we're fighting or how mad you are at me. That means something to me, even if I begrudgingly say it back at the time. If you didn't say it, I'd feel lost. Please don't ever stop.

A lot has happened in our first year of marriage, we had a baby---and while he is the love of our lives, and we wanted to have him, I know in retrospect we both feel like we lost out on a part of our chance at couplehood. But like many military couples, we moved very fast because we were so happy to be together again and because you were getting medically retired and wanted me to be taken care of with health insurance. I didn't know you before PTSD , before TBI, and before combat. Sometimes I feel jealous of other wives who were with their spouses beforehand. I feel like they have something/someone to hold on to that I just don't have when things go bad. I always say when things get bad you have to fall back on your foundation and what happens when your foundation is shaky? We are making our foundation right now. And it is so hard. But at the same time, I feel lucky that I've only known you post-deployment. I don't have to learn to love a "new" you. Yes, you had gotten worse there for awhile, that's no secret but now I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. I felt like we were lost for a little while, but because of your strength and determination we are moving forward and not apart. I am so proud of the fact that you've never turned down help. I actually boast about that fact. You've never turned down a medication, or a therapy technique, or counseling. Anything that has the possibility to help, you're willing to try. I know you do that for us.

I saw you without me--it wasn't a pretty sight watching you drink yourself to death. I know that it'd be so easy and so much less work to go back to that, then to have to fight every single day to make our relationship and our family work. I know you don't enjoy going to counseling now every week and hearing me complain about different things. It can't be easy for you. But I also know you don't want to live without us. So you've learned to admit you are wrong. You're learning to recognize how what you say affects me. It takes a very courageous and loving person to set aside their pride and not get defensive and actually listen. You know it's hard to be married to you sometimes--with not only mental health issues but physical limitations, but I'm so glad YOU haven't given up. Like a true soldier, you've always "pushed through" when you've needed to. Even when I've felt like there was no hope. I believe you are so strong-willed that you can do anything. I'll never forget the day our son was born when he had to be under those lights crying, and you stood and held his hands for hours. I don't know where you found the strength to do it, but it was an amazing testimony of love.You defy odds and amaze me sometimes.

I also will never forget the time you drove all night to see me at the drop of a hat. I'd be lost without you. You're my best friend. You are my rock and with you, I feel safe. I'm proud to be married to you. You're the guy that stops to help old ladies, broken down cars, anyone in need. You're a day to day hero, but you're also a war hero. I know you were just "doing your job" when that firefight broke out after your second IED, but you didn't cower like some of the other soldiers did. You never cower. You told me recently that no matter what happens or how mad you get, you're not going anywhere and you're never going to leave. I'll never forget that conversation. You're a fighter and I'm so grateful you fight for us. I think it's easy for us to get stuck in the daily problems and bickering that get blown out of proportion. Things have never been easy with either of our families and it's easy to become resentful and lash out. It's also hard taking care of a new baby. But I want to make it work with you. I know we don't speak the same love language a lot of the time but I hope that with help, we can continue to try to learn to be on the same page.

I want to work together to make our relationship better and better. I want to be happy with you, and plan our future, and grow old together. I want to have a little sister for our son someday. I'm so happy I see a future for us again, and I promise you that I will never give up on us either. I will fight for you just like I always have. No matter what happens with our families, we will always have each other and our own little family. If we both never give up, we'll never have to know what life is like apart from each other.

Thank you for being willing to make changes to help our relationship. I will try to listen more and talk less.

This is my promise to you, and my hope for our future.

I love you.

Always & Forever,

Proud Wife of a Veteran

This blog post is part of The Love Letter Campaign... a project started by FamilyOfaVet.com to encourage those who love a hero to write a letter sharing their story (where they started, what they've faced together, and why their love endures). It's not just for spouses, but also for parents, siblings, caregivers, and friends. It's about telling the "rest" of our stories... stories that continue despite PTSD, TBI, and the challenges of life after combat. To share your love letter or find out more about the campaign, visithttp://www.familyofavet.com/love_letters.html.

VetsPrevail.org Brings Hundreds of Veterans Support and Gift Cards with a Rewards-based Transition Program

2012-01-30T20:22:00.000-08:00

After our first month, we’ve already had hundreds of US Military Veterans and their supporters come to VetsPrevail.org, where Veterans are standing by for instant message chats in our online programs and are sharing knowledge in our question and answer community, ready for anyone else who’s ready for the opportunity to sign-up, learn and earn.

At the core, as many of you know, we create a customized, easy to access online program that helps Veterans experiencing the usual difficulties of reintegrating or transitioning after the military, to better overcome challenges we all face with jobs, in our relationships, and daily life in general. For others, we’re that and so much more. Week to week, we have members completing different levels of our program, aiming to get higher point scores, for which they can redeem for gift cards at retailers like Best Buy, Starbucks, Target and Macy’s. Other members share what they’ve learned from years of military experience or navigating the difficult Veterans’ benefits space, and they ask questions they need help with waiting for you to log in and share what you know to help them.

Feedback on the program has ranged from members telling us, “I wish I had found [Vets Prevail] sooner” to “I can’t believe more people don’t know about this yet”. Even though there have been a lot of positive experiences so far, like military training taught us, we can always improve ourselves. We’ve applied that spirit to Vets Prevail and look for any Veterans who want to support their brothers and sisters in arms by testing out the program, and giving feedback. This testing and feedback is so important to us, we’re giving out gift cards just for those who can help us improve it.

Other Veterans, often ask us how they can help and to that we say, sign up, give the program a shot. You may learn something valuable while you’re on our site to help out a buddy, or maybe even help yourself. The truth is, we need to get the word out to as many Veterans as possible and are currently setting up programs where if you finish the first Interactive lesson yourself and feel like it's a service that you would be happy to spread the word about, then you’re paid cash for each person you refer to the program that also does the first Interactive Lesson.

Anyone interested in this opportunity to help Veterans or beta-test Vets Prevail and provide feedback, can contact us at info@vetsprevail.org. Anyone else who wants to help Vets Prevail can do so by spreading the word about VetsPrevail.org via social networks and sharing a word or two about the positive impact that’s being made. If you’re not joining today, and want to stay informed, you and friends who also support Veteran causes should definitely follow us on Facebook.

We want to send a big thanks to the hundreds of Veterans who are already Vets Prevail members and are currently participating in our rewards programs, asking important questions about Veteran topics, or sharing knowledge and answers to aid Veterans in need of support. We appreciate your service and look forward to seeing you all in the Vets Prevail program.

Best,

The Vets Prevail Team

Monday Momism: A Letter to Uncle Sam

2012-01-30T16:36:00.000-08:00

Dear Uncle Sam,

How are you? It's been awhile since I wrote but family still needs to stick together, especially in hard times. I've heard things are pretty rough for you right now, being the government and all. I almost didn't write this but you didn't raise me to be that way.

Uncle Sam, I was honored to go to war for you and the rest of our family. Our name, America, is one I am proud to have. Sure, we have our problems and in all honesty, I don't understand the cold shoulder I have gotten since coming home but I want you to know that if you needed me, I would rise up and defend you again today.

All families have problems, Uncle Sam, and I understand this. I do need to say I'm not quite sure why the problems of combat are pushed aside but I am trying to trust the uncle I was always taught to respect. I'm an adult, though, not a child, and I have to admit I see things that puzzle me.

Our children are told not to pledge allegiance to your flag or bring God into things, yet you allow a church to celebrate the death of my comrades?

My mother gets upset and goes Mama on people when they put me down because, even though she wasn't in a war zone, she sees how it changed me. Her favorite expression when she deals with people who aren't “perfect” and like to indulge in things they shouldn't is “He has a brain injury from war, what's your excuse?”

Okay, even now, Uncle Sam, honesty has to prevail. I'm the Mama. I started this letter as if it were from a veteran but it isn't. It's from the mom of one of your descendants, a young man who left for war at the age of 19. He went for me, his brother and sister, and for you. He was raised that family is family and worth fighting for.

Just as he fought for you, I will continue my fight for him, even on, ESPECIALLY on, his bad days. No, his brain injury isn't an excuse. It's a fact.

You wear your uniform even today, Uncle Sam. I see it in all your pictures. Try to remember those who are wearing it or have worn it in the past. The irony is, most of those making decisions that affect us have never faced what our troops and veterans have. Truth is, I'm not sure they could handle it.

I'm going to end this letter now, Uncle Sam. I really do hope you are doing better than what I'm hearing in the news. We should get together some time and have coffee and catch up. Maybe if you spent time with family, you would be reminded of who you really are.

Have a wonderful day, week, month and year. Oh, and Uncle Sam? If you ever need to talk or just say hi, I'm here. We all are.

Love,

A Veteran's Mom

Submitted by Monica Newton

And then there was one.....

2012-01-24T06:43:00.000-08:00

And then there was one..... PTSD INJECTION: 7 days later....

And then there was one.....

Picture yourself dangerously close to a storm. A tornado is coming. Every fiber of your body is buzzing, in tune with nature the way its Creator had intended.

Fight or Flight....

Its coming. The once warm day has dropped at least 10 degrees within minutes, and goose bumps raise tiny red flags that alert you to move. You stand outside despite the threat. Amazed by the beauty, the force, its seducing you to stay. The wind moves your hair and brings with it a moist kiss from the impending rain....

Yet you stay.

The wind moves around your body harder, and you shiver from the depths of your soul. The atmosphere is angry shades of purple, then green. The pressure changes, everything inside of you is telling you to run....

Yet you stay.

Boom.....
Flash......

The moment you knew was coming pours on you, the storm is on top of you. You can run, but you won't get far. You can move, but the lighting will follow. And the deafening rumble of the tornado is right in front of you.....

SILENT AND UNMOVING....AM I STILL ALIVE??

Oh God, what is happening? I feel so small and alone and scared I am SCARED I am SCARED.

***************************************************

That is how I feel right now. The injection for PTSD my husband received on January 17th, 2012, still seems to be working. This is an adjustment. We are both scared. He says, "I don't want to ever be that way again, I'm so sorry" and its true, I don't want him to ever feel that way again either. I see my husband starting to enjoy himself, being calm, and he pulls back away from me.... afraid that this is truly too good to be true. "F" YOU!!!! HOW MUCH MORE CAN YOU TAKE FROM US!!! I HATE YOU PTSD. I thought we would have this opportunity to start over, it would be quick, like a reset button on an electronic.... We have been reset, but we are slow to reboot.

This ambiguous and unmapped territory. I hate the fact that I have lived such a sheltered life. No losses to speak of, no trauma unheard of, I have my health and my children..... I have been ill prepared for this life. I have. I am 31 and have had a very good life with many blessings and few curses and heartache I couldn't fix. This shouldn't be so difficult, this should be happy and celebratory, but instead it is tender and raw and slow.

Tender and raw and painfully slow.

But so much good has come from all of this. A child has started to reconnect with his father, A man is feeling loving feelings toward his children and wife, A soldier has found relief from war related illness and injury, A wife can curl up to her husband at night, and fall asleep to sweetly dream of what the future will hold.....because now of course, there is a future.

But we went from raging and violent storms to the eerie quiet that reminds me of a hot and humid summer day in Minnesota....the kind where the clouds roll in and offer a brief reprieve from the heat....but cold sneaks in to spoil your rest, and it storms, the great and loud humid summer storms, where you can smell the rain long before she lets go.

I feel like I have lost my place. I knew where the storm was. Before the injection I could count the seconds between claps of thunder and flashes of lightening to calculate the precise moment of impact.

I hear no thunder....
I see no lighting....

I am unable to predict, to protect, to move my world to the safety under the stairs.... I am navigating blind.

I suppose this is where Faith comes in....

*Written by Kateri Peterson, wife of James, and fighter of PTSD. This is an intimate look into the very real feelings experienced by a wife of an OIF combat veteran who has battled PTSD since 2004. The fight is not over, yet I feel overwhelmed with gratitude, that we were given a very powerful tool worthy of this battle. On January 17th, 2012, James received the Stellate Ganglion Block, a new and innovative way currently being researched by Dr. Eugene Lipov and his incredibly competent and compassionate staff at Advanced Pain Centers, Hoffman Estates, IL. If you or someone you love is suffering from war related illnesses and injuries, it is important to explore all your options, and make an informed decision. You are own best advocate. For more information on how the Stellate Ganglion Block is effective in some cases of PTSD, and in my own husbands case, his unexplainable, uncureable foot rash, contact Dr. Lipov and his staff at Advancedpaincenters.com or call 1-847-608-6620.

*The results we are experiencing are not unheard of. However, more information is needed and more studies need to be done. If you feel you would like more information on his study happening NOW, call today.

*Be advised that any information, idea, or implied ideas, are not neccessarily the ideas and opinions of Family of Vet, INC, or of Advanced Pain Centers, Chicago Medical Innovations, or Dr. Lipov himself.

*Be advised that it is imperative to your health and wellbeing that all members of your current care team WANT to know if you are exploring alternative methods to PTSD treatment, and given your past medical history, only your provider and Dr. Lipov will be able to safely guide you to informed choices. Everyone involved in your care, be it VA, or Private Doctors, and your family members, WANT you to not only survive this life with PTSD, but THRIVE!

*Just like with anything, every BODY reacts differently to everything. If your results are not the same, I cannot be held responsible.

A Veteran's Life

2012-01-22T10:08:00.000-08:00

I am a veteran of Operation Iraqi Freedom. I have many war wounds, none of which can be seen from the outside. Most days, if you were to look at me, you would never know that anything is wrong. However, the inside is destroyed. This is the life of a modern combat vet.

I was injured in Iraq, although I never knew it. It could have been many things, or a combination of everything. As most Iraq vets, I have been there and seen things that I hope most people never have to endure. I have been attacked in just about every way possible, but I was lucky. I came back with all my body parts, and seemingly, no effects.

That is until one day I woke up and couldn’t move. I eventually made it to an MRI. The Doc read it, and asked me when I broke my back. I didn’t know I ever did. But with 5 fractured vertebrae and 7 ruptured disks, it was quite obvious. And to think, I was actually going in to get my knee checked out, since I have torn ligaments many times, and already had surgery once.

Three months later, I was a civilian. Luckily, I was at the right place at the right time. I had a good job and a family. So what more could I want? My military career was over suddenly after 12 years, and my dreams were shattered, but life goes on. And then the PTSD hit. After being out of combat for a few years, I just couldn’t imagine that I had PTSD. But after being checked at the VA for my C&P evaluation, they found moderate PTSD. I was asked questions that I had never thought about; questions about hyper vigilance, anxiety, stress, sleep, etc. Just like I would have never thought that I had a broken back. Yes, it hurt, but what Soldier’s back doesn’t, right? But life went on. And as time went on, other things began to come up. I was having memory and vision problems, so they tested me for a Traumatic Brain Injury. And sure enough, I had a moderate TBI as well. Then my shoulders began to hurt, so I asked the doc about it, and a couple months later, I was having surgery.

Things just seemed to keep popping up, and then I had a disk slip in my back, requiring surgery. I was in the hospital for two weeks before I had the surgery and the slipped disk wasn’t even in a place previously identified as damaged. Luckily, my employer accepted my new limitations, as I had a rather unique skillset. However, my home life was crashing because of the constant stress of managing medications (up to 18 at one point), trying to maintain my job, and then deal with a family that didn’t understand PTSD or TBI, nor even try.

Then one day, I got up from the couch, or rather attempted to, and was on the ground. Another hospital stay, but this stay left me no longer able to work ever again. I was left reeling and wondering now what do I do? Well, that question was answered for me, as my wife kicked me out because I could no longer afford to keep her in the manner she was accustomed.

So there I was, living on VA disability (Social Security and my private disability insurance both denied my claims). After bills were paid, I had enough for a bowl of Ramen every other day. I just ignored all the credit card bills and non-necessities, as there was nothing left. I continued to live this way, alone completely for a year. And my health got worse. So bad in fact, that I was sitting there one night with a gun in my mouth, debating to pull the trigger.

At this time, something strange happened. I got a spam email from a good friend I had as a pen pal while in Iraq. And after talking for a month, we decided to move back home, where we were both from, and try to start a new life. I warned her what she was in for, both with my mental and physical well-being, and she accepted that, knowing that she would have to take care of me.

Life was once again worth living. We were home for about a month, and then on New Years day, I had a strange mystery pain. So we went to the ER. After the usual tests, they really couldn’t identify what was wrong. But the pain went away, returning 5-6 times a month. As time went on, my back continued to get worse. Unfortunately we lived in a second floor apartment (and still do). The VA here is great, so they provided as much as they could; a power chair, car lift, stair glide, ramp on the front of the house. It was still difficult to get around. I have been through worse. As time went on the list of ailments continued to grow; a pineal cyst was discovered in my brain, I had more pain in my back, extreme pain in my legs, experienced numb feet, developed “mystery” pain, and a host of other things. Fortunately, the government passed the Caregiver bill, which now pays the woman who became the love of my life, to take care of me. It is difficult at age 37 to have a need to be taken care of, but I can adapt.

Then the VA recommended that I try a recumbent trike for physical activity. I had been looking for something I could physically do for quite a few years, and never found anything that didn’t aggravate my back, knees, shoulders, or in some other way hurt. I will try anything twice. So I tried it, and it was a miracle. Much like Family of a Vet was to me. After all, I was “forced” into FOV, which may have been the best thing in my life!

Finally, I got my trike. The VA does take a while, but it can work if you know the right buttons to push. I was so excited, not only could I do something physical, but it decreased my back pain. So much that I decided to form the FOV cycling team! Then the snow came, and I could no longer ride. It had only been a week or two before winter hit, but at least I was ready for spring!

Then out of nowhere, the mystery pain was back. It had come and gone before, with a few trips to the ER. But this time it was horrible. So I was taken to the local hospital by ambulance. After a 4 day stay, I find out that I have Sarcoidosis in my lungs (a diagnosis a week before) that got worse, but my Gall Bladder needed to come out. I can handle that, a Gall Bladder is no big deal. That is until the doctors got the CT results back. A Pulmonary Embolism was found in my right lung. At age 37?!?!

Somewhere along the line, my VA rating was increased to 100%. Since I can’t work, I filed for Total and Permanent (T&P) which has been pending for 9 months. This is a process that should take no longer than 45 days, but taking longer is the norm with the VA sometimes. They have a heavy caseload, and few staff. Trying to get an honest answer from them of why there is an extreme delay is like pulling teeth. In reality, the T&P doesn’t really do anything for you, since I am already rated at 100%. However, it will open up one critical benefit to us and allows us to file for a Specially Adaptive Housing (SAH) grant.

The SAH grant is critical for us, as there are organizations out there that will provide a house for my family and I that fits my needs. It would be wheelchair accessible and provide me the opportunity to have more independence in my life. Yes, I have a roof over my head, but it is not designed for someone who has multiple disabilities, and has trouble moving around.

This may sound like a “poor me” story. However, this is not the intent. I am not alone, and there are always those that are worse off than myself. I am just one of many. I did what I was asked and suffered what I knew could happen. I accept that. I go on living the best I can, getting as involved as I can with Family of a Vet to not only help others, but help myself as well. To me, I just did my job; what was asked of me. Those around me, feel I deserve better; maybe they are right.

As you read this, realize that I am not alone. I could have very easily been a homeless vet you see on the street corner. I could very well be dead at a moment’s notice from a Pulmonary Embolism that is sitting in my lung as I write this. But, I am here. Fighting every day for the best life I can have for me and my family. The same way I fought for my country. And I wouldn’t change a thing. There is certainly nothing wrong with living on a shoestring budget, in a home that doesn’t permit me to have a great quality of life, with health problems that are going to take a major toll on my life, and keep me from doing the few things I have left to enjoy, but I wake up on the right side of the dirt every morning. I will continue to fight to do so every day, the same way that many of our vets do every day. I have the benefit of having a great caregiver in my life and the support of an organization that is always there for me, which is a benefit that many of our vets do not have. I am an Iraq vet, who takes most of his days at medical appointments at the VA, but I see the older generation of veterans, who have suffered even worse, without the attention of the mainstream media.

All I ask is that you just realize that though you may have a rough day, there are those that fought for our freedom that are fighting a physical and emotional struggle every single day. They fight just to have one more day. They don’t worry about their own quality of life. That is a concept lost on them. They are merely struggling to just survive.

This is the life of a Combat Veteran…

Submitted by Anthony Patchell

OIF Veteran

FOV Veteran Outreach Coordinator

PTSD and the impact on Soldier Foot/Stellate Ganglion block

2012-01-20T04:47:00.000-08:00

This is a picture of my husbands feet in September 2011. They often look this bad.

Today I had him get ready for work to do his foot care......

His feet are healed.

There is no open raw weeping area.

Only an open raw and weeping wife.

What the hell is going on here?!

We left for Chicago to Dr. Lipov on Monday. His feet were open. His feet are closed today. He has taken prednisone and keflex off and on for YEARS.

I'm not sure if this is related to the PTSD injection or not.

What I do know is this....when my husband's ptsd and anxiety flare, so do his feet.

You decide.

Stellate Ganglion Block, it keeps going...and going....

2012-01-19T23:42:00.001-08:00

Stellate Ganglion Block....it keeps going....and going....and going.....

Good morning/evening, depending on where you are located.

I just home from work/gym. My work out buddy, aka Puffy, was not at work tonight, so I had to go it alone. I did tell a few coworkers about the success of the shot for PTSD. I saw the look of disbelief on their faces....and I had to laugh.

I hardly believe myself, so I get it.

But, I called home tonight, once before bedtime, and once post bedtime. My husband said he did well with the three little monsters. He said, "I didn't even raise my voice once, and Simon was not following directions." Hmmmm. Interesting. Of course, I'll have to verify that with my children in the morning.

My little guy said, after Daddy returned from work, "Daddy! Is your brain injury all gone?!" He bounced around his fathers feet, looking up at him with hopeful eyes, and James said, "Well I don't know...I think so buddy". And my sweet sweet boy said, "So does that mean you won't be mean anymore?!" And he bounded off, keeping his level of excitement to a dull roar so as not to upset the sleeping giant (aka ptsd).

Out of the mouths of the babes, huh? I had to laugh. Well, its true. Maybe it means he won't be so vicious anymore. Maybe it means he will have enough of a reprieve from beastie boy PTSD that he can reprogramme himself into a calmer, more gentle and affectionate father.

Its true. Ptsd did create "space issues". I have them too. Its not that we are not an affectionate brood of people, its just that with his PSTD, there is no classic rough and tumble play a whole lot here. In fact, it doesn't even really exist at all.

Fortunately, I have 3 brothers, and my children can rough and tumble and be boys with them.

But, living in a house where children are to be quiet, to be still, and you must pretty much announce or make sure you are coming at my husband straight on, does create an akwardness. I wonder if we seem akward to those looking in. People always comment on my children, how well behaved they are, how respectful and quiet and self sufficient they are. This is beyond normal. It truly is. My children have to be that way. If not, then they trigger my husbands PTSD. I suspect they will always be this way now. Maybe there is hope for the little guy, who has not yet been completely programmed.

Anyways, just a quick update that yes, things are going well, and I came home to dishes in the dishwasher, supper put away (even though I still had to cook it) and the dryer running. That is a good sign. My husband is generally the helpful type, its just that he often gets so overwhelmed by clutter, so overwhelmed by children, that he is almost moved to inaction. Its hard to explain. But he does have a real hard time putting things in order, and making plans. He never used to be that way, but things seem to be naturally falling into place.

But here I sit, frightened. I wait quietly watching. Looking for signs. I am waiting for the other combat boot to drop.

Is this all going to all come crashing down around me? And how am I going to handle it? I can tell you I have already started planning. I still have a stash of things at my mothers house so if there is an emergency, the kids and I have a safety zone. Please refer to our website for creating your own safety plan, if you have not made one yet, I promise you it is the best thing you can do for yourself....

I also have a list of phone numbers in various places in case I need to exit quickly. If the beastie boy comes back, we will need to leave quickly, quietly. Dr. Lipov's number is in that list....not like he can do much....but hey, its worth having his number for sure.

I still am suffering from secondary that is obvious. I still have plans and rules and moves all set out before me incase it comes back. And I am starting to realize its time to get serious. It likely will come back, and I need to be alert. I need to prepare myself and not let myself become delusional. Better safe than sorry.

With time I will fully relax. I still am monitoring all of his things, I hope that this will lesson with time. I don't want him to become overwhelmed too quickly. He has to build himself up for a while.

I have been so touched by the emails I have been getting and I have been in contact with Dr. Lipov's office. I am moved by the things I am reading. Your pain is the exact reason why I am doing this, because I know that pain. I still have that pain. I don't know if that pain will go away, but it is quieting down inside of me for now.

For more information, or to share your story, which I promise you, I WANT to hear, email me personally at kateri@familyofavet.com

Goodnight :)

The Love Letter Campaign: My Husband, My Hero

2012-01-19T22:12:00.000-08:00

PJ,

There sometime seems to be no words to describe the things that you have done to protect your family. You say you joined the Army in order to keep the fight away from your wife and children, to keep us safe and make a better future for us. Along this ride we have followed you as the head of our family. You have brought amazing people into our live and given us great opportunities that we may never have been able to experience, but along with those great opportunities you have experienced some great pain.

Through you first deployment you saw the loss of many friends and were forced to do things that you never thought you would have to do, yet as a soldier you did what you were told and followed through with the mission. During you second deployment you lost several members of you company early on and yet you still went out and full-filled your missions as expected.

On your first mission back from R&R your Stryker was hit by an EFP, leaving you riddled with shrapnel up and down your whole left side. January 3, 2011 is a day that changed our lives forever. It showed me the great strength you had, I have always known you were strong, but to the extent I had no idea.

And yet I didn't hear from the military of your injuries and attack, you called me to make sure I knew you were going to be okay. Your concern was not for yourself but for me. For you to worry about me during that time seems unthinkable, but for you, it is just who you are.

Being with you during you initial recovery and helping you with wound care was a new experience and I can say that being around so many at Brooke Army Medical Center put many things into perspective for both of us and was a great blessing for us as well. I would not have changed our time there together, for all the blessings and friendships we were given there.

When I see your scars all I can think is how much I love them, the are a symbol as to how truly strong you are in so many ways, as a soldier, husband, father, friend and leader to your other soldiers.

The impact that you made on others on you FOB and in your company that they would have a Special Forces Commander, who was already very impressed with you, hear you were hurt and pull one of his units out to find the person responsible shows that you relationships among others on your FOB and were respected by others as well.

I am proud and honored to be your wife.

This blog post is part of The Love Letter Campaign... a project started by FamilyOfaVet.com to encourage those who love a hero to write a letter sharing their story (where they started, what they've faced together, and why their love endures). It's not just for spouses, but also for parents, siblings, caregivers, and friends. It's about telling the "rest" of our stories... stories that continue despite PTSD, TBI, and the challenges of life after combat. To share your love letter or find out more about the campaign, visithttp://www.familyofavet.com/love_letters.html.

PTSD INjection Daily Update

2012-01-19T06:06:00.000-08:00

So its now almost 48 hours post injection, and its still working.   I let my husband handle all 3 kids this morning, our baby is ill too boot.....and I didn't hear ANY yelling. I even heard my 7 year old shut the door a little too hard (which is a no no in our house) and I braced myself under the covers for the "GODDAMIT SIMON!!!!"

Silence.

I jumped out of bed. James was fine.

He is still fine.

This is incredible. He slept well last night. He did not have any nightmares, and he did not take his prazosin for dreams. That is a feat in itself.

I do have to call his primary today at the va and fill him in. I don't want to leave him out of the loop, plus, I don't ever ever ever recommend someone stopping medications with out a doctors blessing. My husband in this case chose to do that, and I'm watching him like a hawk.

I did call his telehealth coordinator last night at 10 pm and gave him a 3 minute this is what the shot is, this is what is is doing, and holy crap this is amazing. I assume I'll be hearing from him in about a half an hour.

In all my excitement I forgot to post information for the clinic and doctor. The doctor said if you have ANY questions, please call!!!! Right now he is also looking for Illinois veterans, males, between the ages of 18-55. It doesnn't matter if you got PTSD from war, or a car accident, as long as you are a veteran with PTSD, then you may qualify for his study going on. Its just a thought.

http://www.advancedpaincenters.org/    I like this website better.....

http://chicagomedicalinnovations.org/     This is another website.....

His name is Dr. Lipov. Pronounced Lip-ov. To get your personal questions answered call this number             (847) 608-6620

Anyways, the cost of the shot I do believe, though not sure, but I'm guessing, is NOT covered by tricare. I dont' have tricare or medicare, we have BCBS and that does NOT cover it either. It is about one thousand for the shot last I checked.

Good luck on your own journey to peace people, and keep us updated on your journey!

My usual disclaimer:

I do not represent the VA. I do not represent Dr. Lipov. No one is being compensated financially for this information, favorable or not. This is our own personal experience, and we want to share the journey with you. I do not represent the sole opinion of Family of a Vet, INC. Sometimes even they disagree with how I feel.....but they are being kind to host my posts. For more information, you can check out damespaz.blogspot.com   my own personal blog.

Stellate Ganglion Block, its still working, and we are home!

2012-01-18T21:33:00.000-08:00

Home. We made it home. Safely tucked in the warmth and familiarity that only your refuge can hold. Usually we get home and its such a huge transition (from chaos and anxiety, to calm and familiar surroundings) that everyone is growling and snapping and gnashing and biting at eachother. Coming home often times can prove more stressful than the trip itself.

Not this time. We got home, so happy, so at peace, and so READY for coming home. Excited. Eager. We are ready to try again.

Dr. Lipov gave us a mulligan....we get a do-over. We get to try this life all over again. The injection used to treat PTSD in my husband (the stellate ganglion block) is still working. We are now almost 36 hours post injection. Know this; my husband is calm, easygoing, and back. He is the James I met and married. He is the James that I used to trust with my life, with my soul. The James who I knew would lay down his life for me without a second thought.

I thought I lost you......

The truth is, he had been here the whole time.... fighting just as hard to stay IN this world as I was fighting to drive these demons OUT of this world. It feels like we won. Have you ever won something huge? It feels like that. Though its so hard to place words to these feelings, I can tell you I feel like I won something big.... The lotto? A car? A Cruise? Our life back.

If you don't have a loved one who has ptsd what I'm saying may not make sense to you. You might think I'm a little dramatic. You might think I'm excessive. But what if your husband was dying from cancer and withering away before your very eyes. And there wasn't a goddamned thing you could do. What if things begin to feel so bleak and desperate, you contemplate your choices....leaving, or a mercy killing (so to speak), either way, someone is going to be hurt beyond repair.

But I know if you are reading this, you believe in something that you can't feel, you believe in hope. You believe in showing your vet the same loyalty he or she showed this country. How could possibly justify walking away?

We were given hope. I told Kevin, the office guru for Dr. Lipov, that the last 6 years was not in vain. This brief time we are experiencing relief means so much to us, that it is worth it. If the shot is no longer working, we won't despair anymore. We will surely be frustrated, and sad, but we will not give up. Because we have seen the light. We have been shown that there is more to treating PTSD than just "in the box" thinking....You have to look outside the box.

I will keep you updated. I will keep you informed. I will be honest. And we will tell you if the shot stops working. Is PTSD gone? I don't know. Is it going to come back? I don't know. Will this work for even one more day? I hope so. So far this is very promising, and I pray and hope and implore the powers that be (aka our dear VA) takes this experience, and uses it to look at, to open their eyes, to see something other than what they are able to provide now. Everything is hanging in the balance.

For a long time, my husband and I hung in the balance. We are no longer hanging there anymore. We feel like our feet our planted firmly back into the ground, and we have been blessed by Dr. Lipov and his staff.

Until the next post, you may contact me and my husband James at Kateri@familyofavet.com

Please remember that these are my views, and may not represent the full opinion of staff from Familyofavet.com

This is my opinion of MY life, of my husband, of OUR experience. If you chose to have the shot for PTSD as well, you may not have the same results as us, and Family of a Vet, INC, myself, my husband, my employers, Dr. Lipov, or Chicago Medical Innovations cannot be held responsible for results that differ from ours.