fancy memories...

Araneae

2023-06-28T23:46:00.004+08:00

In a web of lies and truth
The spider just casually crawls
Through its prey
Spindling, feeding, living
Not living yet not leaving
Fixing and living
Surviving.
It's another day,
and the web shall be mended on and on
Thinner than a thread.
What if I just hang on it
With my head
Rattled, chewing every single day
Every single prey
I pray
Wherefore art thou still living
Am I
Still living?
The horizon doesn't end.
It doesn't make sense.

hide and seek

2018-08-08T06:13:00.001+08:00

Written November 2, 2017

It only happened once.

Yes it did.

But it's scary.

So I brushed it off my mind and thought it's not a mem'ry.

It only happened once.

Or maybe.

Did it really occur?

Maybe it's not what I think it is.

It happened.

Yes it did.

And maybe it didn't

Because the world doesn't know it did

But it happened.

Not once.

Maybe a million times

And it keeps replaying in my head

Because I know it did.

And I'm not wrong

It isn't right

And I'm not dreaming

As it keeps replaying

The monster is in me.

I had a nightmare.

It's not a nightmare

It's worse than a nightmare.

And the monster keeps showing

Engulfing me in the darkness

Sucking me alive...

No! No please! No!

I don't want it!

Help me!!!

It happened once.

It happened forever.

And I'm scared.

#ptsd #abuse #childhood

...

2017-05-16T21:49:00.002+08:00

It helps not to think about yourself to save yourself.

thoughts

2015-07-15T01:32:00.002+08:00

Sometimes I feel like a gecko whose tongue lashes through the air when I see flies lurking around. Sadly, these little insects move faster, leaving me hungry while they buzz through the day laughing at my defeat.

I remember you

2014-03-30T01:01:00.000+08:00

I remember you in the rain

As we’d once felt each drop caress our skin.

I remember your sun-kissed hair

As the wind blows while we watch those foamy waves.

You told me you love the sun

Because with its rays you feel that you are free.

You told me of your desire

To set this land into liberty.

Perhaps I would never understand

Some of those things you said to me.

Perhaps I wouldn’t know

Whatever happened in those days you’re not with me.

But…

I wouldn’t forget the smile in your lips

When you listen to the chirping birds in the city.

I won’t forget the sadness in your eyes

When you feel that things just shouldn’t be.

The stiffness in your fair yet crumpled fist,

Is not forgotten, never would be.

The way you talk

Will forever be in my memory.

Because you fought for me

And for everybody.

And maybe, I’ll never see you again

But I know once in a while, we’ll remember you.

beating of my heart

2014-02-12T22:38:00.000+08:00

If only I could play a guitar
I would string out some chords
to say what's on my mind.
Maybe I could make a song,
but all I have is the beating of my heart.

If I know how to press the piano keys
and know how to make some melody
perhaps I would compose a symphony
but would you feel sorry
if all I have is the rhythm of my heart?

I can sing, but I'm not good
so maybe I could hum a love song
but the wind'll just carry it away
so is it okay to be out of tune
when it expresses the message of my heart?

I know I cannot make some music
it won't be good to your ears
yet I wish you could hear
the music that I feel
when you're called by the beating of my heart.

my little star

2014-01-18T22:55:00.000+08:00

I gazed at a star
it was a tiny soft light
and wished I could hold it
at the palm of my hand.

I'm sure it would be warm
to comfort me in the cold night
and maybe its little glow
will cheer my lonely heart.

One night I tried to find it
but can't see it anywhere.
Where's my little light?
Where's my tiny star?

"Mommy, I'm here", i heard something within
and then I felt her move inside me.
She feels warm and is lovely
and surely, she's my little star I wished to be. :)

12/30/2013

2013-12-30T23:59:00.000+08:00

Even when I have my tantrums,

Even when I refuse to smile,

Though I’m sometimes bratty,

You’re still here, with your love.

Maybe you do understand me,

or maybe you don’t

But you still try to bear with me

Though others won’t.

Perhaps women are such puzzling creatures,

I guess men would never figure them out.

But you try to, and I feel that too

And I love the way you think about what I do.

Maybe, you just love me,

And I do love you too

So we fit together in an unexplainable fancy

And I love the way we do.

Even when you hide it

2013-12-25T23:00:00.000+08:00

Even when you hide it,
it shows.
I feel how you lament
on the things
we cannot do anything
about.
Maybe it's not your fault,
or perhaps it is.
And yet, my heart
just wants to reach out
and wipe the sorrow
your chest keeps.
I hate to know that you're hurt
maybe I'm also the reason,
and so I hate myself too.
I just wish, everything
would be fine soon
because...
I can't bear those secret tears
I can't pretend that i don't hear
anymore.
Though I know you're hurt,
I couldn't just
come near.
Will you let me?
Because those sobs, I hear.

masochist's plea

2013-07-28T21:34:00.000+08:00

Rip me.
Bite me viciously.
Burn. Pick me hard.
Make my bones break.
Tear me. Make me scream your name
pleading for more, more, more!
Spank me. This isn't sweet surrender.
It's an extreme desire.
Roar like a monster.
Grab me till my limbs break.
Scratch. Aargh!
Groan your heart out.
And tell me you're mine.
Just mine.

Untitled

2013-06-07T23:48:00.000+08:00

*before reading this, please don't forget that I was on the state of near breakdown when I wrote that... And please remember that all people, no matter how scholarly they are, easily change opinions. I love God, yet sometimes my human nature overpowers me. Thus, this is a creation at the time I was weakest. Sometimes you have to admit your weakness to be strong...

My eyes droop and I'm down

I don't want to breathe cause I want to drown

Maybe this sadness will go away

If in this world I cease to stay.

Because this sadness won't just leave me

Though I really want not to let it be

If only life won't be unfair

Maybe I'll think he really cares.

Maybe I should not be giving up

Yet aren't these hardships just enough?

I don't know if I can still be tough

Now I'm failing, should I live not?

Sayaw

2013-03-31T23:26:00.000+08:00

Sa paghawi ng liwanag,
dalawang anino ang
umiindayog,
nagkakaulayaw.

Isinisingaw ang init
sa pamamagitan ng init,
nagpupuyos,
sa ritmong magaslaw.

Malalim ang singhap
sa bawat pilantik
at haplos
ng mga daliring malalandi.

Bibilis ang ritmo't
hahabol ang hininga
magkakayakap
sa huling berso ng kanta.

At muli, maglalaro
ang musika't
sa saliw ay
iindak ang dalawa.

want, need, desire

2013-03-19T23:22:00.000+08:00

Your lips should be
pressed to mine
instead of talking all this
time.

Your arms should be
around me
with all your warmth and
intense need.
Your eyes must be
dazed in a dream
with me,
if they're not meeting mine.
You should be here,
beside me
so I'll not be missing you
so everything's complete
so you're hre
and I'm happy.

online

2013-03-13T23:25:00.000+08:00

Ipipikit ko ang aking mga mata
At pakikinggan ko ang iyong kanta
Kahit sintunado man ang tinig
Alam kong puno ito ng pag-ibig.

Isang araw na muli mo akong pinakilig

Sa pagsilay lamang sa iyong ngiti.
Sa simpleng pagtipa ng ilang salita
Rumurubdob ang aking pagsinta.

Kapag ikaw ang aking kausap

Laging nais na ika’y mayakap.
Nasa ko’y ikaw ay kapiling
Nang hindi hinahanap ang iyong paglalambing.

Ako na muna’y pipikit

Hihimbing nang ikaw ang iniisip.
Sana ikaw ay nasa panaginip,
Sana’y kasama ka kahit na magising.

Crumpled

2013-03-11T23:55:00.000+08:00

The second hand ticks
And my mama snores
And I am awake
As my sorrow crawls.
Dawn is not yet
Here to be seen
My eyes a-droop
Yet my mind’s so mean.
I just wish
I could set aside
These frolic thoughts
That torture me.

*Apologies, viewer, for the grammatical flaws here. I just wanna drain my tired mind that refuses to sleep yet. -yawn-

Wish

2013-03-01T16:24:00.005+08:00

When the pain grips into me

When each yesterday is slowing me

When my eyes are losing sight

Please lean on me.

When my heart feels like burning

When I ran out of breath

When these ears stopped hearing

Hold me tight.

Lean on me and tell me to be strong

Hold me so I would know

Because, I don’t want to leave yet.

No, not yet.

For bright days are yet to come.

blah

2012-12-23T09:32:00.001+08:00

Yeah they try to protect me

Yeah they think they know what's best for me

They thought they know what'll make me happy

Oh, they'd never know, they'll never know.

They're never me.

cute

2012-12-05T02:43:00.001+08:00

You're cute when you get jealous...
with your pout..
and your blinking eyes..
and your childish thoughts..
and your grumpy mood..
and your helpless sighs.

Now it's another reason..
to fall deeper for you..
to think about you..
in a sleepless night..
while drifting ideas lull me again..
as I imagine you holding me tight.

May I pinch your nose, Mr. Cute Guy?

--for raycel e.--

endless metaphor

2012-11-18T21:23:00.001+08:00

you are the summer, the rain
the blanket in the cold,
the sea and the salt,
the sepia-colored leaves,
the scent of flowers in spring.

you are my chrysalis,
but also the blowing wind,
the colors of my wings,
the dewdrops sweet,
the waiting tulips.

you are my sighs,
the answer of my why's
you are my heartbeat,
the air that I breathe,
the one that I miss,
the lover I long to kiss...

Love

2012-10-25T14:24:00.000+08:00

T'was a little hymn
That bloomed in my heart
Soft as the butterfly's wings
Sweet as the night breeze's kiss

T'was a little enchantment
That carried me away
Like the wind cradling the falling leaves
Like mom's bedtime story before I sleep.

T'was something I thought I won't feel

Just like a sweet dream
Yet it softened my numb heart
Like a doll which comforted a sobbing child.

T'was like magic and until now

I'm still dazed in its spell
Trapped in a wonderful bliss
And to escape is never my wish.

Dear Ondoy

2012-09-27T11:55:00.000+08:00

Mawawala.
Nawawala. Nawala.

Hindi mo magigising ang patay.
Hindi maglalakad mag-isa ang saklay.
Ang nalubog sa putik ay nilulumot.
Ang inanod na bra'y hindi na masusuot.

Habulin mo ang naglahong kaluluwa.
Yakapin mo't lamig lang ang madarama.
Magparamdam man ay pait ang ipakikita.
At kapag hinanap mo'y tila di ka maalala.

Malulunod din ang pighati.
Mamamanhid din ang pusong sawi.
Nakakapagod rin pala ang kalungkutan.
Kaya sige, wag na lang.

New Moon

2011-11-25T21:23:00.000+08:00

Ikaw ang araw na nagtatago sa kadiliman ng gabi.
Inililihim ang tanglaw na nagbibigay sa akin ng ngiti.
Nasaan ka?
Ako'y nananaghili.

Pilit kang hinahanap ng aking paningin.
Pagkat liwanag ko'y sa iyo sumasandig.
Nakakalungkot.
Kailangan kita.

Malalim na ang gabi.
Wala ka.
Maglalaho rin ako, sinta.

walang pamagat...

2010-11-22T05:07:00.000+08:00

bilog ang buwan sa tanghaling tapat
dahilan ng hinagpis ay di mahagilap
abang damdamin tila naghahanap
atensyon mula sa pusong apuhap

matamlay na mata'y nais ang iyong ngiti
tamad na katawa'y gusto kang katabi
atensyon ang nais ng kunwari'y api
ng iyong kawalan sa maikling sandali.

banayad mong haplos sa puso'y umuukit
kahit na kamay ko lamang ang iyong kapit
anghel ka bang dinadala ako sa langit
tuwing nakakulong ako sa iyong bisig?

sintunado mong tinig ay kaysarap ding pakinggan
lalo't inaawit mong ako'y iyong mahal
isaliw pa natin ang puso nating tumitibok
na kumokoro sa bawat ritmo't tunog

lilipas ang araw at magdadapit-hapon rin
lalamlam ang paligid, lilitaw ang mga bituin
buwang ulila magkakaron rin ng kapiling
tulad kong nag-aabang ng iyong pagdating.

gitara

2010-04-02T00:34:00.000+08:00

Malamig ang dampi ng hangin sa aking pisngi.

Musika ng iyong gitara nanatili sa pandinig.

Hay, tila kaysarap humimbing,

habang sa iyong balikat ako ay nakapaling.

Umaawit ang mga ibon kasabay ng iyong gitara.

Tahimik ang ilog at ang mga isda.

Mga daho'y wumawasiwas, tila nakikisaliw,

Sa pagtipa ng iyong musika para sa akin.

Kaygandang pagmasdan ang malamlam na liwanag

Ng papalubog na araw, tinatago ng mga ulap.

Siya rin kaya'y nakikinig,

sa saliw ng musika ng pag-ibig?

Musika ng gitara mo'y kay sarap pakinggan.

Tila humahaplos sa puso kong nagmamahal.

Hiling ko lamang, aking giliw, sana ay pakinggan

Himig ng aking puso, nais ay ikaw.

Para kay HBW

2010-02-27T20:28:00.000+08:00

Bakit nga kaya,
di binigyan ng mga paa
ang panulat
upang ilahad ang sarili nyang nais?

bakit nga kaya, wala syang karapatan
na isigaw ang kalayaan
na isigaw ang nararamdaman?

bakit nga kaya
may kum0k0ntrol
sa kanyang galaw
at hindi sya mapag-isa?

hindi ba nila alam
na ang panulat din
ay may damdamin?
na nais ilahad, ipalaganap?

di ko lubos maisip
naaawa ako sa ballpen ko
naiinis ako sa sarili ko..
wala syang kalayaan...

tulad ko...