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On the treatment table...

Sat, 20 Aug 2011 06:46:38 -0400

And now, for our own moment of F**kwittery. ..

Regrettably, it appears that Fantasy F**kwit sustained some kind of pre-season injury that had a big impact on our performance last week – as you may have spotted from the lack of scores for the opening weekend’s games.

We’re going to take a break from the Premiership and suspend the game while we apply ice packs and get back to some level of match fitness. We're not sure whether it's a hamstring strain or a season-ending metatarsal - we'll keep you posted.

In the meantime, thank you for all of your support – both to our new subscribers, and to those loyal subscribers who stayed with us from last season. And apologies to all of you who were expecting to pick up big scores from the opening game (but honestly, was Joey Barton such a difficult team selection...?)

And we're off...

Mon, 15 Aug 2011 09:34:50 -0400

What a start to the season. A new intake of F**kwit contenders turning in stonking performances, led by the likes of Manchester United keeper David De Gea (Top tip: it's a ball - you catch it) and what passes as a defence in those parts of West London that favour hoops over stripes. And a whole bunch of F**kwit veterans putting in a credible opening day performance, inspired as so often by the irrepressible (insert your own extra adjective here) Joey Barton.

As our Expert Panellists put the finishing touches to their scoresheets, here are two of our match highlights:

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West Brom 1 Manchester United 2
The return of the Premier League can only mean one thing: Super Sunday Jamie Redknapp bingo! Markers at the ready.... Shiny M&S suit? Check. Sitting with legs so far apart you can see what he had for breakfast? Check. Blocked sinuses? Check. “I fink this lad’s a top, top player - what you reckon, Gal?”. HOUSE!

Indeed, Redknapp has been joined in the studio this season by Sky’s new recruit, Gary Neville, who sat primed and poised - teenage moustache glistening on his top lip - waiting patiently to analyse the performance of his former club at the Hawthorns.

And if Mr. Neville were still playing at the back for Manchester United, his half-time ire would surely be trained on United’s new goalkeeper, David De Gea. The pinnacle of first half f**kwittery saw the Spaniard floundering as a tame Shane Long effort squeezed past him for West Brom’s equaliser. As he rose from the floor, crushed, he mouthed the word “puta” in anger. (I’ll let Google translate that for you - this is, after all, a family website).

The ‘keeper generally flapped at crosses and showed little command of his box throughout. “He’s ‘avin a ‘mare”, cried Redknapp at half-time. “And he’s picked up a good few f**kwit points in the process”, he didn’t add. Two points for the goal assist and the gong for Most Disappointing player for De Gea.

In other first half action, Wayne Rooney opened the scoring for United, nutmegging Gabriel Tamas in the process (1pt assist), and Nani (x2), Paul Scharner, James Morrison, Ashley Young and Chris Brunt racked up points for poor misses.

The second half was as poor from a F**kwit perspective as the first half was productive; points were thinner on the ground than a pre-transplant Rooney bonce. The only real points came as Young’s shot pinged off Andy Reid’s shin for an own goal, but not before it deflected off Tamas, who also picked up a point assist.

Reid, Scharner, Anderson and Young all picked up bookings for non-memorable challenges, but Simon Cox left fans tutting as he picked up a booking for an elegant swan-dive on the edge of the United box.
By Gareth Evans

Stoke 0 Chelsea 0
Ah, Stoke, the apex of the football world, the point that separates legends from pretenders to the throne. Stoke, with its famous wetness and, uh, nightness. Yes, Stoke. That place.

So it was at the Britannia that Portuguese new boy André Villas-Boas turned up for the first step in his quest to conquer English football and become one of the sport’s fabled managers. English blood? Check. Flawless command of the language? Check. Razor-sharp new suit and haircut? Check. Reinvigorated squad? There’s still two weeks, right?

The Chelsea manager surely knew, as we all do by now, what to expect with Tony Pulis’ long-ball Potters. And, if not, the narrative of the match was established in the first ten minutes: Jonathan Walters worrying the Chelsea defense, Fernando Torres (yeah, him) harrying the Stoke defense, both teams beating the shit out of each other in between, and referee Mark Halsey (who the commentators described, repeatedly and without apparent irony, as having an “eagle eye”) ignoring most of the fouls. Repeat until a draw happens or ninety minutes are up, whichever comes last.

The sides gave it a go with some fair strikes, misses, tackles, and blocks, but nothing worth f**kwitting home about. Notwithstanding a 25th-minute glimpse of Roberto Mancini wearing a comical jacket in the crowd, Halsey and his alleged bird vision, in fact, offered most of the entertainment. Though every set piece looked like Fight Club or a typical day with Joey Barton, he waved off frequent appeals for cautions and penalties from Torres, Ryan Shawcross, Ashley Cole, Jonathan Woodgate (yeah, him), John Terry, and, notably, Frank Lampard. Eventually, he carded Shawcross, Cole, and Marc Wilson for physical challenges after earlier warnings, finally proving that eagles can see yellow, after all.

Despite what many F**kwit team managers anticipated, the most disappointing player was not Fernando Torres. Instead, it was an average Frank Lampard, whose inability to impose himself on the action extended to Eagle-Eye Halsey ignoring his penalty shout in the 55th minute. The midfielder then closed out proceedings with a late yellow for crankily throwing away the ball on a Stoke free kick, earning him points not just for the booking, but for doing so in a f**kwitted fashion. Good job, Lamps, but could you do it on a wet night…okay, okay.
By Kelley Kawano

What exactly am I doing here?

Tue, 09 Aug 2011 10:30:02 -0400

Are you a F**kwit virgin?

If so, welcome to Fantasy F**kwit - a fantasy football game with a twist.

Your goal is to pick a winning – or more accurately, losing – team of Premiership players. Unlike other ‘Fantasy’ games where you try to select the best players, in Fantasy F**kwit your goal is
to choose the players who are most likely to lose their next game, pick up red cards, give away own goals, miss sitters, and generally behave like a Sunday afternoon pub team.

Better still, you get to celebrate their off-the-pitch antics too: players pick up points for wrapping their cars round lampposts, cheating on their partners, and generally doing the kinds of things people get up to when they have more money than sense.

Points are awarded for individual incidents such as bookings, assists for opposition goals and getting injured during the match warm-up – you can see the full list in our Rules section. We have a team
of Expert Panellists scoring the matches (we use the word 'Expert' loosely) but if we miss anything, or you disagree, tell us, either on our message board or on Twitter: @fantasyfwit. Our 'Most
Disappointing Player' category is a particularly rich vein of material for those long summer evenings in the pub.

To get started, you just need to register. We'll send a confirmation link to your email address; click on that and you'll be ready to choose your team for the main competition. Then you can set up your own private leagues and invite in friends, family and workmates.

You can learn more from our Q&A page. Otherwise click here to get started!

And we're back!

Mon, 08 Aug 2011 06:10:27 -0400

With just five days to go until the start of another action-packed season of hopeless misses, comic back-passes, calamitous warm-up injuries and frantic bed-hopping, one question is taxing the minds of F**kwit aficionados the world over. How will we cope if Carlton Cole, who topped the F**wit Index last season, fails to make his way back into the Premiership following West Ham's relegation?

Will Joe Cole pick up the mantle? Will Ashley Cole - surely a candidate for some kind of F**kwit lifetime achievement award? - do the decent thing? Does anyone know where Carlton Palmer is?

Whatever the answer, the good news is that many of last year's top f**kwit scorers will be gracing the Premiership stage once again this season. And you've got the chance to choose eleven of them, hire a manager - and for the first time, pick a referee as well. Among many firsts for this new season, we're also planning to give away fabulous prizes for the best monthly individual player and the best private league*.

If you're new to Fantasy F**Kwit, all you have to do is register and you can start playing straightaway. If you're back from last season, we've kept all your log-in details, your team name and your private leagues - so just log-in and create your new team.

Five days to go and counting: it's all downhill from here.

* Possibly. And we use the word 'fabulous' loosely.

Match report: They think it's all over

Mon, 30 May 2011 09:29:59 -0400

The points are in - and the season analysis begins. Which defenders were the biggest help securing the Golden Boot for Berbatov and Tevez? Which striker put most balls into Row Z? Who topped the F**kwit league (clue - see left)? And most important - what kind of sorcery did our Top Punters deploy to win this year's competition?

The answers to these questions will become clearer over the coming weeks - check back here for our Expert Panellists' Review of the Season. In the meantime, here are some highlights of the final games of the season - as always, check out our match reports for more details:

Evatt pokes out leg, trips up donkey (Manchester United 4 Blackpool 2)
The Rapture may not have happened as promised at the weekend, but Ian Holloway’s Blackpool sealed their own Premier League fate with a big bang. Like a condemned donkey on the Pleasure Beach, Blackpool sprinted down the sands, bucked its rider and kicked a few deckchairs into the air before throwing itself into the North Sea. Entertaining for onlookers for sure – but doomed nonetheless.

Brummies park the bus at cliff edge. Whoops! (Tottenham 2 Birmingham 1)
With more mind-bending variables in the last day of the relegation struggle than a best-of-five nude three-dimensional chess tournament played between Ryan Giggs, Imogen Thomas and Mr Justice Eady, Birmingham City came to Spurs with but one gameplan: to win — or, at least, not to lose — by not allowing the other side to score while hoping that God will sort out the rest.

Brown Pants Sunday: the aftermath (Wolves 2 Blackburn 3)
Rarely do you witness home supporters celebrating a defeat so vocally. In a weekend that was billed as Survival Sunday – although Stressful Sunday or even Brown Pants Sunday might have been more appropriate – Wolves ended the season with a first-half performance of glittering f**kwittery, followed by a second half of pure pantomime.

Djourou leads final push for silverware (Fulham 2 Arsenal 2)
The game was already up, the scores were in and, for both teams, the cupboard was bare – so on paper it looked like this would be a quiet afternoon for everyone. Not so. With Fulham motivated by the prospect of European action and Arsenal looking for a pass into the Champions league, there was something to play for – and for an Arsenal team that had missed out yet again on silverware, there were still plenty of points up for grabs in the F**kwit stakes.

Fulham 2 - Arsenal 2

Mon, 30 May 2011 09:07:39 -0400

Djourou leads final push for silverware

Points Awards

Assist (1): P. Senderos
Assist (1): J. Djourou
Assist (1): A. Ramsey
Disappointing player (3): J. Djourou
Assist (1): P. Senderos
Assist (1): B. Hangeland
Assist (1): J. Djourou
Yellow Card (1): J. Greening
Yellow Card (1): S. Sidwell
Yellow Card (1): R. Persie
Red Card (4): Z. Gera

By Boyd Robinson
The game was already up, the scores were in and, for both teams, the cupboard was bare – so on paper it looked like this would be a quiet afternoon for everyone. Not so. With Fulham motivated by the prospect of European action and Arsenal looking for a pass into the Champions league, there was something to play for – and for an Arsenal team that had missed out yet again on silverware, there were still plenty of points up for grabs in the F**kwit stakes.

It was all pretty even for the first 20 minutes until a daft back pass by Aaron Ramsey handed the ball to the Cottagers and let Bobby Zamora close in on Wojciech Szczesny. With Arsenal’s defence back-peddling, Steve Sigwell picked up the cross and nailed the ball into the back of the net. What was Ramsey thinking? Where was Johan Djourou? No-one knows, but both get a point for the assist.

Robin van Persie struck back within minutes, with Diaby making himself useful in midfield and Philippe Senderos earning a point for snoozing in defence. Which basically got us to half time.

Soon after the break van Persie and Jonathan Greening were both in the book and the f**kwit haul was starting to look pretty good. Greening was straight back in the action, though, this time with a great cross which Zamora headed in for Fulham’s second. Once again, Djourou wasn’t up to the challenge, losing his man and getting a further point for propelling the Cottagers into the lead for the second time.

A poor studs-up challenge from Zoltan Gera earned a straight red and a whopping four points, before Theo Walcott squeezed through most of the defence – and a few Arsenal players for good measure – to bag the equalizer, earning Brede Hangeland and Philippe Senderos points for the assist.

Most disappointing player? Our money’s on Djourou.

So that’s it, the season’s up. Where’s the cheque book, Wenger?

Man Utd 4 - Blackpool 2

Mon, 30 May 2011 09:07:38 -0400

Evatt pokes out leg, trips up donkey

Points Awards

Tabloid (5): R. Giggs
Own Goal (3): I. Evatt
Disappointing player (3): I. Evatt
Assist (1): N. Eardley
Assist (1): J. Evans
Assist (1): N. Vidić
Assist (1): I. Evatt
Miss by mile (1): N. Nani
Miss by mile (1): C. Adam
Miss by mile (1): D. Berbatov
Miss by mile (1): D. Berbatov
Miss by mile (1): A. Anderson
Missed chance (1): D. Berbatov
Missed chance (1): G. Taylor-Fletcher
Missed Goal (2): K. Southern
Losing Team (1 each): C. Adam, A. Baptiste, S. Crainey, N. Eardley, I. Evatt, M. Gilks, B. Ormerod, K. Southern, G. Taylor-Fletcher, D. Vaughan, L. Varney, D. Campbell, M. Phillips, and J. Puncheon
Yellow Card (1): D. Fletcher
Yellow Card (1): M. Owen
Yellow Card (1): D. Vaughan

By Gareth Evans
The Rapture may not have happened as promised at the weekend, but Ian Holloway’s Blackpool sealed their own Premier League fate with a big bang. Like a condemned donkey on the Pleasure Beach, Blackpool sprinted down the sands, bucked its rider and kicked a few deckchairs into the air before throwing itself into the North Sea. Entertaining for onlookers for sure – but doomed nonetheless.

While many eyes were on the mathematical complexities of the Premiership relegation zone, Keith Southern kicked off the far more important F**kwit proceedings inside of a minute when he was presented with a simple effort a few yards out which he somehow managed to side-foot wide, picking up two points for the miss. A couple of minutes later, a lunging Gary Taylor-Fletcher failed to stretch far enough, allowing the ball to fly across the face of goal when an extra prod of his big toe would have tapped it into the net. That earned him a point.

Ian Evatt – who was to pick up the gong for the most disappointing player – got on the scoresheet when he allowed Ji-Sung Park to wriggle past him to open the scoring for United, picking up a point for the assist. And in the final f**wit moments of the first half, Anderson scored one point for a shot that hit the corner flag, redefining the concept of missing by a mile, before Blackpool talisman Charlie Adam scored from an unstoppable free-kick to make it 1-1 at the interval, Nemanja Vidic picking up an assist for giving away the initial foul.

In the second half, United striker Dimitar Berbatov scored a second-half hat-trick of points for missing a couple of sitters and smashing one well wide. And Adam (2) and Nani also earned points for misses.

But the real F**kwit heroes came in the shape of messrs Evans, Eardley and Evatt, who all picked up assists. Jonny Evans failed to get close enough to Taylor-Fletcher, who gave Blackpool the lead, and Neal Eardley didn’t get back quickly enough to stop Anderson pulling United level. But the star of the show was Evatt, who, using the completely wrong leg, turned a ball into his own net to condemn his side to the drop, picking up three points in the process. Owen finished off the scoring as Blackpool’s donkey floated gently out to sea.

Tottenham 2 - Birmingham 1

Mon, 30 May 2011 09:07:35 -0400

Brummies park the bus at cliff edge. Whoops!

Points Awards

Yellow Card (1): B. Ferguson
Yellow Card (1): L. Ridgewell
Disappointing player (3): P. Crouch
Missed chance (1): N. Kranjčar
Missed chance (1): Y. Kaboul
Assist (1): C. Gardner
Assist (1): R. Johnson
Assist (1): S. Larsson
Assist (1): B. Foster
Losing Team (1 each): C. Davies, S. Carr, L. Ridgewell, S. Larsson, C. Jerome, B. Ferguson, R. Johnson, K. Fahey, C. Gardner, B. Foster, M. Derbyshire, and J. Beausejour
Yellow Card (1): M. Derbyshire

By Mat Snow
With more mind-bending variables in the last day of the relegation struggle than a best-of-five nude three-dimensional chess tournament played between Ryan Giggs, Imogen Thomas and Mr Justice Eady, Birmingham City came to Spurs with but one gameplan: to win — or, at least, not to lose — by not allowing the other side to score while hoping that God will sort out the rest.

It may have been the gameplan that over the previous 37 league games this season had left the Blues dangling over the drop, but they wouldn’t have been the first visitors to White Hart Lane since August to find it curiously effective.

But not this time. Waking from the narcolepsy that has made him a F**kwit managers’ favourite for his combination of snoozing, shirking and missing goals that Sandra Redknapp could have put away, Roman Pavlyuchenko scored a pair of peaches that kicked the Brummies in the plums.

His added-time second, helped by a deflection, found Birmingham keeper Ben Foster unsighted and the Blues back four stretched as they poured forward for a status-saving equalizer. But for the first, Sebastian Larsson gets an assist point for being bamboozled by Spurs’ Danny Rose, who laid the ball off to Pavlyuchenko, with both Roger Johnson and Craig Gardner earning another point apiece for standing off for a fatal moment. Foster should have done better too, so add him to the F**kwit scoresheet.

The goal which Birmingham fans thought had saved their season was a Craig Gardner screamer from the edge of the box through a packed area where, for once, no Spurs defender or keeper merited a F**kwit assist point for failing to prevent.

Misses? Just two: Younes Kaboul and Niko Kranjcar.

And the Most Disappointing Player? Not for the first time this season, Spurs’ gangling love god Peter Crouch was as limp in the box as a superinjunction in the Twitterverse. Still, got to love him; he may not look it, but he’s only human.

Wolves 2 - Blackburn 3

Mon, 30 May 2011 09:07:33 -0400

Brown Pants Sunday: the aftermath

Points Awards

Disappointing player (3): M. Mancienne
Missed chance (1): J. Roberts
Minor handbags (1): K. Henry
Miss by mile (1): J. O'Hara
Miss by mile (1): J. Jones
Assist (1): M. Mancienne
Assist (1): J. Craddock
Assist (1): G. Elokobi
Assist (1): M. Mancienne
Losing Team (1 each): M. Mancienne, J. O'Hara, W. Hennessey, C. Berra, J. Craddock, G. Elokobi, K. Foley, S. Ward, A. Guedioura, K. Henry, S. Hunt, S. Ebanks-Blake, S. Fletcher, and M. Jarvis
Yellow Card (1): S. Hunt
Yellow Card (1): K. Henry
Yellow Card (1): J. Craddock
Yellow Card (1): C. Samba

By Alan Wigley
Rarely do you witness home supporters celebrating a defeat so vocally. In a weekend that was billed as Survival Sunday – although Stressful Sunday or even Brown Pants Sunday might have been more appropriate – Wolves ended the season with a first-half performance of glittering f**kwittery, followed by a second half of pure pantomime.

Afterwards Wolves manager Mick McCarthy said he felt like waving his pants in the air – not an example many supporters would have followed, given that being just three minutes from relegation would surely have tested even the sturdiest supporter’s bowel movements.

3-0 down at home and staring relegation in the face was not a great way to end the first 45 minutes, and f**kwit points go to George Elokobi, Michael Manciene (twice) and Jody Craddock for their assists. Mancienne also earned three points as the most disappointing player – more accurately, sticking with the theme, he was crap – which was something of an achievement given that he was only given 45 minutes to stake his claim for the gong before being replaced at half time. Hopefully he enjoys his trip back down the M40 to Stamford Bridge.

Birmingham’s Jermaine Jones also got a point for finding Row Z, while Karl Henry picked up one for handbags.

Wolves started the second half in the relegation zone, until events around the country saw them move out of the table, aided by a superb set piece goal by Jamie O’Hara. With about 30 minutes they were again in trouble but needed just a single goal to send one of their local rivals down. And three minutes from time, Stephen Hunt come to the rescue with a super goal that meant survival for another season. It would be unfair to single out any of the Blackburn players for f**kwik points for an assist in any of the Wolves goals, partly because they were both well worked goals, and partly because your expert panelist had his hands covering his face in fear. We did see enough, though, to award Jason Roberts one point for a miss when he was one-on-one with the keeper, and another to O’Hara for finding Row Z.

After the goal, with both teams apparently safe, the remainder of the game saw Blackburn passing the ball around the edge of their penalty area, the Wolves players standing watching the grass grow on the halfway line – and the home crowd trying to work where that faintly unpleasant aroma was wafting in from…

Match report: Over the abyss

Sat, 28 May 2011 04:50:16 -0400

The abacus is giving off steam as we frantically tot up the final points for the season, ready for publication over the holiday weekend. For now, here's another taster of the final day's f**kwittery:

Misses? Just two: Younes Kaboul and Niko Kranjcar.

Match report: The Finale

Tue, 24 May 2011 08:47:47 -0400

So that's ten points to Carlo Ancelotti for getting the boot from Chelsea, and five points for Ryan Giggs for what we used to call 'unwanted tabloid attention', now better known as 'unwanted parliamentary attention'.

We're still totting up the points for the nail-biting Fantasy F**kwit Season Finale - the final tally, along with our match reports and the long-awaited announcement of this year's Top Punter, will all follow. Eventually. In the meantime, here's a taster of what our 'Expert Panellists' saw.

Manchester United 4 Blackpool 2
The Rapture may not have happened as promised at the weekend, but Ian Holloway’s Blackpool sealed their own Premier League fate at Old Trafford with a big bang. Like a condemned donkey on the Pleasure Beach, the phenomenon that is Blackpool sprinted down the sands, bucked its rider, nibbled a stick of tangerine-flavoured seaside rock and kicked a few deckchairs gloriously into the air, before throwing itself into the North Sea and sinking slowly beneath the surface. Entertaining for onlookers for sure – but tragically doomed nonetheless.

While many eyes were on the mathematical complexities of the Premiership relegation zone, Keith Southern kicked off proceedings on the far more important F**kwit Index inside of a minute, picking up two points for a miss when he was presented with a simple effort a few yards out which he somehow managed to side-foot wide. A couple of minutes later, a lunging Gary Taylor-Fletcher failed to stretch far enough, allowing the ball to fly across the face of goal when an extra prod of his big toe would have tapped it into the net. That earned him a point.

Ian Evatt - who was to pick up the gong for the most disappointing player – was next on the scoresheet when he allowed Ji-Sung Park to wriggle past him to open the scoring for United, picking up a point for the assist. And in the final F**wit moments of the first half, Anderson scored one point for a shot that hit the corner flag, redefining the concept of 'missing by a mile', before Blackpool talisman Charlie Adam scored from an unstoppable free-kick to make it 1-1 at the interval, Nemanja Vidic picking up an assist for giving away the initial foul.

In the second half, United striker Dimitar Berbatov scored a second-half hat-trick of points for missing a couple of sitters and smashing one well wide. And Adam (2) and Nani also earned points for misses.

But the real F**kwit heroes came in the shape of messrs Evans, Eardley and Evatt, who all picked up assists. Jonny Evans failed to get close enough to Taylor-Fletcher, who gave Blackpool the lead, and Neal Eardley didn’t get back quickly enough to stop Anderson pulling United level. But the star of the show was Evatt, who, using the completely wrong leg, turned a ball into his own net to condemn his side to the drop, picking up three consolation f**kwit points in the process.

Owen finished off the scoring as Blackpool’s donkey floated gently out to sea.
By Gareth Evans

Match report: the meaning of life

Sat, 21 May 2011 06:37:59 -0400

Last week's points are in - and here's what some of our expert panellists made of it all. Check back early next week for the season's F**kwit Finale:

Squillaci squeaks past Arshavin for the honours (Arsenal 1 Aston Villa 2)
When Sky originally put its spring schedule together, this tie was probably considered a potential title decider. What they failed to factor in, of course, was that the spine of Arsene Wenger’s side is more brittle than a small twig with a particularly nasty bout of woodworm.

Kuszczak takes pole position (Blackburn 1 Manchester United 1)
At times this felt like the title no one wanted to win. Typical of an inconsistent season, United didn’t roar over the finishing line – they wheezed over it like a pensioner chasing a bus. But a win’s a win. Or a draw’s a win. Or something.

Sunderland reserves snatch the points (Sunderland 1 Wolves 3)
Sunderland were effectively playing a reserve side with 12 players out, 11 of them injured with on-loan Sulley Muntari sent back to Inter Milan. But the depleted hosts still had a number of chances, the first when lone striker Stefani Sessegnon slid in to convert Ahmed Elmohady’s cross – and arrived a fraction too late, missing the ball completely to earn a full three f**kwit points.

Arsenal 1 - Aston Villa 2

Thu, 19 May 2011 05:19:09 -0400

Squillaci squeaks past Arshavin for the honours

Points Awards

Miss by mile (1): D. Bent
Miss by mile (1): S. Squillaci
Disappointing player (3): S. Squillaci
Assist (1): S. Squillaci
Assist (1): T. Vermaelen
Missed chance (1): T. Walcott
Missed chance (1): T. Walcott
Losing Team (1 each): B. Sagna, T. Vermaelen, R. Persie, T. Walcott, A. Ramsey, A. Song, J. Wilshere, A. Arshavin, K. Gibbs, M. Chamakh, N. Bendtner, W. Szczęsny, and S. Squillaci
Yellow Card (1): N. Bendtner
Yellow Card (1): R. Dunne
Yellow Card (1): S. Petrov
Yellow Card (1): N. Reo-Coker
Yellow Card (1): A. Young

By Gareth Evans
When Sky originally put its spring schedule together, this tie was probably considered a potential title decider. What they failed to factor in, of course, was that the spine of Arsene Wenger’s side is more brittle than a small twig with a particularly nasty bout of woodworm.

So with Villa safe, this tie meant nothing. Not that you’d know by the ridiculous pre-match build-up, mind you. Sky did their best to convince us that it was vital Arsenal avoid a Champions League qualifier in some Welsh backwater, like Abercwmscratchin, but they weren’t convincing anyone.

And so to F**kwittery. It only took Arsenal 11 minutes to live up to their reputation for late season collapses. Darren Bent lost marker Sébastien Squillaci before controlling a Kyle Walker ball and finishing expertly, earning a point assist for the Frenchman. And minutes later, Bent was again on the scoresheet, taking advantage of a Thomas Vermaelen slip and pouncing to score, with another assist for an Arsenal centre back.

In a mistake-ridden half, Squillaci was also busy earning points at the other end of the field with an easy header that he put miles wide under modest pressure from Villa defenders. So impressive was this performance that he was subbed at half-time – for a striker. Unsurprisingly the Arsenal man also picked up the disappointment of the match award, running anonymous Russian doll Andrei Arshavin close for the honour.

In the second half, Theo Walcott picked up a point for failing to poke home a sitter, and another for smashing one wide. Bent also hit one wide for a point, before Robin Van Persie got a consolation goal for Arsenal when the ball fell kindly to him after a melee in the Villa box.

Blackburn 1 - Man Utd 1

Thu, 19 May 2011 05:19:07 -0400

Kuszczak takes pole position

Points Awards

Disappointing player (3): T. Kuszczak
Penalty Gift (3): P. Robinson
Assist (1): J. Evans
Miss by mile (1): W. Rooney
Missed chance (1): N. Nani
Missed chance (1): N. Nani
Yellow Card (1): M. Salgado
Yellow Card (1): S. N'Zonzi
Yellow Card (1): J. Jones

By Gareth Evans
At times this felt like the title no one wanted to win. Typical of an inconsistent season, United didn’t roar over the finishing line – they wheezed over it like a pensioner chasing a bus. But a win’s a win. Or a draw’s a win. Or something.

The standout clown of the first half, however, was spellcheck’s Tomasz Kuszczak – known to United fans as PIG (or the Pole in Goal for the uninitiated). In a performance as poor as a church mouse, PIG dallied on an incoming ball, almost allowing Jason Roberts to nick it, before Nemanja Vidic put in a crunching tackle to save his bacon (bacon, geddit?).

It went from bad to worse for the piteous goalkeeper when he was presented with a Rio Ferdinand back-pass and instead of putting his foot through the ball, stared at it – before staring at it some more – and then got lucky when it ricocheted to saftey off the onrushing David Hoilett. His second half wasn’t any better. Perhaps in a bid to cement the points for most disappointing player – though there was little competition – PIG punched a ball right across his goal, putting United fans through the ringer.

Elsewhere, Wayne Rooney hit a chip – more daft than deft – over the bar and Paul Robinson felled Javier Hernandez in the box, picking up three points for the penalty give-away and handing United the inevitable equaliser. Rooney’s emphatic strike ensured Blackpool have the pleasure of giving a guard of honour to United’s reserves next week.

Sunderland 1 - Wolves 3

Thu, 19 May 2011 05:18:58 -0400

Sunderland reserves snatch the points

Points Awards

Assist (1): S. Mignolet
Assist (1): J. Mensah
Assist (1): J. Mensah
Assist (1): J. Mensah
Disappointing player (3): J. Henderson
Missed chance (1): C. Riveros
Goalmouth Miss (3): S. Sessègnon
Assist (1): G. Elokobi
Losing Team (1 each): N. Onuoha, P. Bardsley, B. Zenden, S. Malbranque, J. Henderson, J. Colback, R. Noble, A. El Mohamady, J. Mensah, S. Mignolet, C. Riveros, S. Sessègnon, L. Laing, and C. Lynch

By Alan Wigley
Sunderland were effectively playing a reserve side with 12 players out, 11 of them injured with on-loan Sulley Muntari sent back to Inter Milan. But the depleted hosts still had a number of chances, the first when lone striker Stefani Sessegnon slid in to convert Ahmed Elmohady’s cross – and arrived a fraction too late, missing the ball completely to earn a full three f**kwit points.

Cristian Riveros subsequently wasted a chance, wanting too much time on the ball, fluffing his shot and earning a single point for his miss.

Wolves were second best for much of the first half but took the lead with their first attack through former Sunderland defender Jody Craddock in the 23rd minute, with defenders John Mensah and goalkeeper Simon Mignolet picking up a point each for an assist.

George Elokobi earned his customary f**kwit assist in Sunderland’s equalizer – but suprisingly this was Wolves only point, possibly a season record for the club.

In the second half Jarvis put in a good cross, and John Mensah was outjumped by Stephen Fletcher at the far post to pick up a point for an assist. He added another when Elokobi’s glancing downward header put the game beyond Sunderland.

Choosing the points for most disappointing player was a close run affair, with both of Sunderland’s regular first team players, Jordan Henderson and Steed Malbranque, in contention – and both replaced by Sunderland Youth Team players. Malbranque wins it, largely by dint of being the first to be replaced.

Match report: Pole position

Thu, 19 May 2011 03:35:30 -0400

This week's points are still being totted up (there's ten going Avram Grant's way for starters). In the meantime, here's a taster of the weekend's action

It was hardly a F**kwit classic, but it had its moments. Nani missed a couple of sitters either side of half time to pick up two points, and his colleague Jonny Evans lost Brett Emerton in the United box, allowing the Blackburn midfielder to sweep home the opening goal 20 minutes in. A point for the Northern Irishman’s assist.

The standout clown of the first half, however, was spellcheck’s Tomasz Kuszczak - known to United fans as PIG (or the Pole in Goal for the uninitiated). In a performance as poor as a church mouse, PIG dallied on an incoming ball, almost allowing Jason Roberts to nick it, before Nemanja Vidic put in a crunching tackle to save his bacon (bacon, geddit?).

It went from bad to worse for the piteous goalkeeper when he was presented with a Rio Ferdinand back-pass and instead of putting his foot through the ball, stared at it – before staring at it some more – and then got lucky when it ricocheted to saftey off the onrushing David Hoilett. His second half wasn’t any better. Perhaps in a bid to cement the points for most disappointing player – though there was little competition – PIG punched a ball right across his goal in the second half, putting United fans through the ringer.

Elsewhere, Wayne Rooney hit a chip – more daft than deft – over the bar and Paul Robinson felled Javier Hernandez in the box, picking up three points for the penalty give-away and handing United the inevitable equaliser. Rooney’s emphatic strike ensured Blackpool have the pleasure of giving a guard of honour to United’s reserves next week.
By Gareth Evans

Match report: The end is near

Fri, 13 May 2011 06:47:44 -0400

The points from last weekend's fixtures are all in - and here's what two of our expert panellists made of it all.....

Manchester United 2 Chelsea 1
It was 4.05pm on Sunday afternoon and roguish hero David Luiz was sitting in the dressing room listening intently to his manager’s calming team-talk before the biggest game of his blossoming Chelsea career. He made a couple of last minute adjustments to his boots, pulled up his socks and ran his fingers through his freshly shampooed locks. Luiz felt confident.

Glancing around the room he was endowed with a sense of utmost bullishness by the experienced figures that would soon join him in battle. Didier Drogba sat in silence. Focused. England’s brave rock John Terry slapped himself repeatedly in the face, psyching himself up. Frank Lampard munched quietly on a sausage roll. Chelsea were ready. Luiz was ready.

Well, at least he looked ready for all of the 36 seconds that it took Manchester United to open the scoring. A Ryan Giggs pass and a Park Ji-Sung through-ball and the cult figure was on the deck having flicked the ball into the path of Javier Hernandez, who duly finished. Not content with ballsing up in the first place and picking up an assist, the hapless defender looked bemused that he was receiving a rollocking from his manager, who subsequently asked substitute Alex to start warming up - with not even a minute gone.

Chelsea were rocking, the back-four a shambles. While Park and Wayne Rooney went close in the following minutes, there was no discernible leadership from Terry, Branislav Ivanovic should have received a red card for a succession of awful challenges - picking up only a yellow - and Ashley Cole was nowhere to be seen. Actually, Cole was spotted arriving in the Chelsea area a few minutes after Nemanja Vidic, the man he was meant to be marking, headed in the United second. A point assist for Cole.

After a comedic mistake-ridden half, Luiz shanked a pass directly into touch in stoppage time - raising the wrath, and the eyebrow, of his manager again - then stepped on a garden rake before Ivanovic swung around with a plank and hit him in the face. He was then spared the embarrassment of having to come out for the second half.

In other F**kwit action, Hernandez racked up a hat-trick of sitters, including one header from just five yards, and Rooney missed an almost-open goal with Alex doing well to block his shot. And to round off the points, Antonio Valencia smashed one well over the bar.

United’s victory took them inexorably towards their 19th title. And while Sir Alex bowed in front of the Stretford End in celebration, Carlo Ancelotti’s rogue left eyebrow was surely trained on his Sideshow Bob-alike in the dressing room.
By Gareth Evans

Tottenham 1 Blackpool 1
‘Profligate in front of goal…’ What an ocean of frustration, what a hecatomb of heartache are contained within that pat little phrase from the football reporter’s lexicon.

As the sun set over Spurs’ season at White Hart Lane, profligating away in front of goal for a host of miss points were Luka Modric (3), Sergey Kornilenko (2), Charlie Adam (1), Gareth Bale (3), Raniere Sandro (2), Rafael Van der Vaart (2), David Vaughan (1), Jermain Defoe (1), Michael Dawson (1), Younes Kaboul (1) and Jason Puncheon (2). At least they had a go – which is more than can be said for the alleged strikers DJ Campbell or Roman Pavlyuchenko.

Yet again, though, it was Heurelho Gomes who claimed the match’s moment of outstanding F**kwittery. Within seconds of saving Charlie Adam’s penalty, conceded by Dawson handballing in the box, the Spurs keeper heaved into Gary Taylor-Fletcher for no very good reason and handed Blackpool a second chance to go ahead from the spot. This time they made no mistake. So three penalty give-away points apiece to Dawson and Gomes and three penalty miss points to Adam — a rich haul for just 105 seconds of action.

As for Defoe’s goal, it was a screamer for which no Blackpool player has a legitimate claim for assist point.

Most Disappointing Player? Spurs’ Roman Pavlyuchenko, who never looked like he was making more than a token effort to add to his eight-goal League haul this season. Fourteen-million quid. Ker-ching.
By Mat Snow

Chelsea 2 - Tottenham 1

Thu, 05 May 2011 11:16:00 -0400

Marriner all at sea as Squiddly Diddly drops another tentacle

Points Awards

Missed chance (1): D. Drogba
Missed chance (1): Y. Kaboul
Missed chance (1): F. Lampard
Missed chance (1): G. Bale
Missed chance (1): V. Ćorluka
Assist (1): D. Luiz
Assist (1): W. Gallas
Assist (1): Y. Kaboul
Assist - 2 (2): H. Gomes
Yellow Bonus (1): D. Drogba
Disappointing player (3): H. Gomes
Losing Team (1 each): S. Pienaar, H. Gomes, G. Bale, Y. Kaboul, A. Lennon, J. Jenas, R. Pavlyuchenko, L. Modrić, J. Defoe, M. Dawson, V. Ćorluka, S. Ranieri, W. Gallas, and R. Vaart
Yellow Card (1): R. Pavlyuchenko
Yellow Card (1): D. Drogba
Yellow Card (1): J. Terry
Yellow Card (1): B. Ivanović

By Mat Snow

Much as we like to moan about match officials, the fact is that in most games it’s the match officials who are the least f**kwitted carbon-based life forms on the pitch.
Not this game, though.
Andre Marriner is a name familiar to Fantasy F**kwit managers for his refereeing howlers in the Newcastle-Chelsea draw and Spurs’ home victory over Blackburn. When two out of those four sides were scheduled played each other at Stamford Bridge on Saturday, it was odds-on for a double helping of this particular man-in-black’s unique brand of match management, and so it proved.
Yet rules are rules, and even though in fact the ball never fully crossed the line, haplessly fumbling and scrabbling Spurs keeper Heurelho Gomes picks up a pair of assist points for Chelsea’s first ‘goal’. For another point each, defenders Younes Kaboul and William Gallas were found wanting for Chelsea’s second, even though its scorer, Salomon Kalou, was clearly offside.
Spurs’ goal by Ranieri Guimaraes Sandro, meanwhile, would never have earned its due share of applause had not David Luiz stood there like patience on a monument while the magic wove around him. That’s an assist point for the Sideshow Bob lookalike.
Misses? Just a few, with Vedran Corluka, Gareth Bale, Frank Lampard, Younes Kaboul and Didier Drogba all picking up a point apiece for cow’s-arse-banjo shenanigans. The last named also picked up a F**kwit yellow card for refusing to give Andre Marriner the ball when asked for it politely. Given everything Marriner had done that afternoon to abet his team, you have to say that the great lummox was not just f**kwitted but downright ungrateful into the bargain.
Most Disappointing Player? Given that his fumble was a virtual replay of his dropped bollock against Cristiano Ronaldo in the Champions League a fortnight previously, you have to give it to the Spurs keeper they call ‘Squiddly Diddly’. To misquote Oscar Wilde, ‘To drop one bollock, Mr Diddly, may be regarded as a misfortune; to drop both looks like carelessness.’

Blackburn 0 - Manchester City 1

Sat, 30 Apr 2011 04:26:03 -0400

Points Awards

Disappointing player (3): M. Balotelli
Missed chance (1): P. Jones
Comedy value (1): A. Kolarov
Missed chance (1): M. Olsson
Missed chance (1): J. Roberts
Amateur dramatics (1): M. Balotelli
Amateur dramatics (1): J. Roberts
Amateur dramatics (1): M. Balotelli
Losing Team (1 each): C. Samba, G. Givet, B. Emerton, D. Dunn, J. Roberts, M. Olsson, N. Kalinić, M. Salgado, P. Jones, M. Diouf, P. Robinson, B. Mwaruwari, J. Jones, and R. Rochina
Yellow Card (1): J. Jones
Yellow Card (1): M. Balotelli
Yellow Card (1): N. Jong
Yellow Card (1): G. Barry
Yellow Card (1): B. Emerton

By David Longworth
Thank the football gods for Mario Balotelli. Despite a thoroughly entertaining game, f**kwit points were hard to come by as the brawn of Blackburn and beauty of City largely behaved themselves. Balotelli, however, rarely disappoints.

It was Blackburn’s David Dunn who first helped get City’s mercurial striker on the scoreboard, a strong bodycheck prompting the Italian to go down clutching his throat, picking up a point for amateur dramatics in the process. The second half was only three minutes old when Balotelli went rolling around on the turf again. One squirt of magic spray later and he was fine – Emerton, meanwhile, had picked up a yellow card point for next to nothing.

The Italian earned yet more points as he bundled Gael Givey off the ball for a yellow card, his ninth of the season, and continued his point-scoring routine when he once again fell to the floor clutching his face. Sadly, he subsequently left the field, but not before replays showed that he might have deserved more points for blocking the keeper on City's goal.

Apparently he's a very nice man off the pitch.

Still, it wasn’t a bad tally: a couple of points for collective amateur dramatics, one for a yellow, and we’ll throw in three for most disappointing player.

In other highlights, Vincent Kompany kicked Blackburn's Jason Roberts in the box, but the referee was deaf to what looked a legitimate penalty appeal. Some pundits suggested he would have given it had Robbo not dived – so he gets a point for amateur dramatics himself. Roberts and Olsson also conspired not to score for Blackburn, Roberts heading so far wide that it fell to his compatriot Olsson - who did likewise. One point each.

Aleksander Kolarov also managed to bundle his own ball out of play for a throw in, scoring a comedy value point. And Phil Jones headed over for City: it looked more difficult in replays but nonetheless a point for a chance missed.

By the end it was a case of Blackburn hoofing everything into the City box but to no avail. Even five minutes of injury time couldn't paper over the fact that Blackburn have limited skill and an indecipherable gameplan. They may not end up going down, but the football they play is definitely Championship standard.

Man Utd 1 - Everton 0

Sat, 30 Apr 2011 04:25:57 -0400

Points Awards

Yellow Card (1): T. Howard
Disappointing player (3): J. Beckford
Comedy value (1): J. O'Shea
Assist (1): S. Distin
Miss by mile (1): W. Rooney
Miss by mile (1): A. Anderson
Miss by mile (1): T. Cahill
Miss by mile (1): D. Gibson
Miss by mile (1): J. O'Shea
Losing Team (1 each): T. Hibbert, L. Baines, P. Jagielka, D. Bilyaletdinov, S. Distin, J. Beckford, T. Cahill, P. Neville, M. Gueye, L. Osman, S. Coleman, T. Howard, J. Rodwell, and V. Anichebe
Yellow Card (1): T. Cahill
Yellow Card (1): A. Anderson

By Gareth Evans
Every time United leave the door ajar for Arsenal in the title race, the challengers find another way of slamming it shut in the their own faces. Whether it’s drawing to Blackburn or conceding a 102nd minute penalty, Arsene Wenger’s side display the mental toughness of a manic depressive going through a particularly acute mid-life crisis. Perhaps Fergie was just taunting him when he put out a side that included John O’Shea, Jonny Evans and Darron Gibson, and still came up with the goods.

With little f**kwittery to speak of in the opening minutes, O’Shea changed all that by hitting himself in the face while trying to trap the ball, earning a point for comedy value. The Irishman continued his fine form by spanking an effort high and wide on 20 minutes, picking up another.

And O’Shea’s fellow countryman, Gibson, joined him on the score sheet with a trademark shank that trickled 15 yards wide.

The crowd were shocked to see Everton centre forward Jermain Beckford’s number go up at half time; not because he’d impressed, mind you, more that they were surprised to learn he’d actually been on the field in the first half. His replacement, Tim Cahill, fared little better, earning a point for an awful effort just after coming on.

Anderson and Cahill then exchanged yellow cards before the former hit a rubbish shot wide, getting another point for his troubles. Rooney also pulled a decent chance wide.

The key moment of the game came from a good piece of pressure by Antonio Valencia, closing down a sluggish Sylvain Distin, before crossing to the back post for Chicharito to nod in the winner.