Here’s what I had today:

• My coffee, 250
• 2 granola bars, 200
• Hamburger (like yesterday), 700
• Misc. chips, 300
• Chicken enchiladas, 600

• 15 Frosted Mini Wheats, 150

• Total Calories: 2200

I’m starting to wonder if ~2,000 calories a day is the sweet spot here.
I think I can lose weight and feel good on that. And not have to eat rabbit food doing.

All right, let’s see how we did today. All I really did was make sure I kept track of everything I ate, but that was actually a big accomplishment. It made me think about what I was eating before I actually did it. Here’s how it turned out:

• My coffee, 250
• McD’s sausage McMuffin with egg, 450
• Homemade grilled hamburger, 700
• Granola bar, 90
• 6 oz. pork chop, 360

• 1 cup apple sauce, 140

• Grand Total: 1990 Calories

My food selection for the day wasn’t the greatest (lotsa fat calories in there, I’m sorry to say), but I made it through the day without going overboard on anything. That’s a lot more than I can say for the several months before now.

It’s a start.

So why not this week? My motivation level is actually going up. Thing is, in the past, once I get going, I feel so good that motivation generally isn’t an issue after the first few weeks. I’ve got the tools in place…now it’s just a matter of doing it. A few other thoughts, though:

++I don’t want to weigh myself. Although that’s an important measure for some people, it’s not for me. I tend to rely on the intangible milestone: Bending down to tie my shoe without holding my breath. Cinching up another notch on my belt. Things like that. ++Except for Fatbloggers and this Posterous blog, I’m not going to be talking about it on social media or to my friends around town. ++As always, I need to factor in some exercise. More difficult now that school is starting, but not impossible.

I think I’m about ready.

So, tomorrow is Monday. What’s holding me back from getting going on this thing tomorrow? My complete lack of will? Apathy?

I’m still trying to figure out what.

I just found out today that our insurance will cover at least part of the fees for Weight Watchers. I’m not convinced, though, that that’s going to be my best option. I really need to get on it, though. I had hoped to have some weight gone b y the end of the summer, but that’s obviously not going to happen.

So, I have a point system in place, and you could call this blog my accountability system. I’m looking for some social support now, and…some motivation. Heaps and heaps of motivation.

I need to drop some weight, that much I know. I’ve been carrying too much extra around for the last year or year and a half, and it’s time I got busy again.

Any time I’ve been successful losing weight in the past, I’ve utilized these strategies:

• A system of counting food values, such as points or actual calories.
• A social support system of others losing weight. I know I’m not the only one that needs to do this.
• An expected timeline, whether that be measured in days, weeks or months.
• An accountability system, where I report directly to somebody, and they know how I’m doing.

Weight Watchers does a great job of including all of these elements, but part of me is too cheap to shell out money for a program like that. I’ve done this with and without it in the past, and if necessary, I’ll go that route again. However, I’d like to try it myself first.

So, I’m in the process of gathering my resources and getting myself physically and psychologically prepared to do this. It’s a process, and once I undertake it, I’d like to have everything in order.

There’s not much going on here anymore…

Part of me wants to just let it go quietly…

Part of me wants to share the following…

The last time I posted a weigh-in was April 28, 2009. The weight was starting to creep back at that time. Before school started in September 2008, I was able to say I’d lost 130+ lbs, by April FIFTY POUNDS was back.

At that point I was complaining how school was kicking my ass (it was only the third term), I didn’t mention it in the post, but I was also going through the the ‘negotiation’ process of divorce, I was also beginning the process of tweaking my practicum to allow for a more clinical focus.

Since then…

• I graduated on June 13, 2010 with a Master’s Degree
• The divorce was final on June 17, 2009.
• I don’t remember when I ‘officially’ quit WeightWatchers… but I haven’t set foot on a scale in MANY months.
• Judging by the clothes I’m wearing… it isn’t pretty.
• Judging by the way I feel… it’s even uglier. 
• I changed jobs in October 2009. The place I worked didn’t want to be tweaked.

I’ve been delaying it most of the summer, but I need to suck it up and walk back into the WeightWatchers meeting. I’m sure they’ll be nice, but I will be ashamed. I keep telling myself I will just go to a meeting in the town where I work. But arguing, if I go to my old meeting, I’ll be showing that I haven’t completely given up. The April 28th post says I weighed 387 lbs March 2006…

I think I may be beyond that.

I’m aiming toward going to my old meeting group Tuesday night…

I may not post the weight…

Maybe I will…

Is this thing on?

That said, while I’ve been spending time in my head shifting my expectations of myself, I’ve also spent a lot of time out on the road shifting gears on my bike. I’m riding in the 2010 Friends for Life Bike Rally — a 6-day, 600km bike ride to raise money for the Toronto People With AIDS Foundation, an incredible organization that provides tremendous support through direct service programs to men, women and children living with HIV/AIDS. My friend Jonathan convinced me to participate in this year’s ride, and since I now live my life in possibility, and trying to do one thing a day that scares the crap out of me, I agreed. Granted, Jonathan is an incredible cyclist, and agreed to run the half-marathon with me in September if I agreed to do this bike ride with him in July. That said, I never knew I would come to enjoy riding outdoors so much.

Read more at: http://tinyurl.com/2cknb2u

• I’m feeling tempted to spend money on fitness stuff, which is strange, because I’m doing ok as I am (heart rate monitor watch (what for?), personal trainer, gym membership)
• I’m starting to think about not just getting out of bad shape but into good shape. I have no history with being in good shape. I don’t know how to get there or if I want to. What would it be like to actually develop some strength and look better than just “not fat”? Is it worth the time to me? Is “I want to look good with my shirt off” really a strong motivation?I honestly have mixed feelings.