"Fat Chat Feed" via Fat in Google Reader

Praise for ExtraOrdinary: An End of Life Story without End

2012-05-27T14:00:00Z

"A must read! ExtraOrdinary: An End of Life Story Without End is at once unique and universal. With brilliance and depth, Michele Tamaren and Michael Wittner write of love, loss and the enduring human spirit. This is a book that...

Meet Herman Liss in ExtraOrdinary: An End of Life Story without End

2012-05-26T14:00:00Z

"ExtraOrdinary is a page-turner! Although I never met Herman Liss, I feel I now know him and am inspired by his modesty, goodness, and ability to delight in life, even at its most difficult. Written with clarity and insight, this...

QOTD: Health

2012-05-25T19:00:53Z

The debate about what exactly health means goes back to ancient Greece. Does health just mean living a long time? Does it mean feeling strong? Are athletes the epitomy of health? In fact, athletes suffer more injuries and illnesses than the rest of the population because they push themselves so hard. So who represents health? What about spiritual health? Ethical health? It’s amazing how much we project onto body type these days, through our grossly oversimplified idea of health.

— Ben Spatz

Filed under: Exercise, health, Media, OtherBlogs, quotes

Beth D looks up to me, and I look up to this lot

2012-05-25T10:06:00Z

I'm working hard trying to wind up my PhD. I spend most days grimacing at my computer for hours on end. There aren't many laughs round here at the moment.

A little bit of sweetness came my way last night, however. I was doing the washing-up from dinner and my girlfriend came in, she had been online and had seen a link to a new interview in which superstar of the universe Beth Ditto name-checked me as one of the fat activists she looks up to.

I get love mail from readers from time to time, it started when I published my first book in 1998 and it's never really stopped, so I know that there are people in the world who appreciate my work. I see my book in libraries, dog-eared, underlined, well-read. Because my life is not very glamorous or well-paid, and because I know and have known abuse, these little messages are a great boost. Coming from Beth, though, well, that's really excellent. I have met some of my heroes and they are generally disappointing, but Beth is in another league; she has heart, humanity and politics, she makes you want to dance, and she lights the way. To think that I do things that she respects is really exciting. Despite my current gloom and angst, I have allowed myself to crack a tiny, sneaky, proud smile.

This morning I was thinking about the people I look up to in fat activism. Fandom has little interest for me because it is dehumanising, it's kind of flat. What I seek is deep and rich mutual engagement with people's work and ideas. In this way, I think of myself as standing on the shoulders of giants, and I hope that people will use my shoulders too (though credit me if you use my work please!), and that in time there will be towers of us, interlinked. In 21st century Western culture there's a faith in this figure of the lone leader but in fat activism I think this is a myth and I would advise scepticism of anyone who claims to have invented this stuff, or is looking to be the spokesperson for the movement, because there are so many fantastic activists who came before the current generation and I want to see them name-checked too! More than scepticism, I would advise people to visit an archive, ask around, and bone up on fat activist histories. My Queer and Trans Fat Activist Timeline project can help with this.

So I thought I'd name some names. There are many people in fat activism that I respect, but these people are the bomb:

Llewellyn Louderback left fat activism almost as soon as he started it, but not without publishing an article and a book that had a big influence on the movement. Over 40 years later, Fat Power is still amazingly relevant. He had a vision and the means to realise it; we should all be so lucky.

The fat feminists. These women, often lesbians, developed a political analysis of fat that included intersectionality, community and culture. Their feminism enabled fat women to locate the sources of oppression and liberation in everyday moments. Their work is often painfully obscure, but they are heroes in my world, the muthas of the movement, I am indebted to them beyond belief for their work, which has enabled me and many others to thrive. Sara Golda Bracha Fishman, also known as Vivian Mayer and Aldebaran, Judy Freespirit and Lynn McAfee are the key people who come to mind. They developed The Fat Underground into an organisation that defined fat activism, and still does to a great extent. Judy and Lynn went on to develop other significant fat activist projects, Sara helped develop fat activism on the East Coast of the USA, and produced this excellent article: Life In The Fat Underground. Elana Dykewomon and Judith Stein were also associated with these women. Elana published the most startling essays and poems documenting early fat feminism; Judith was an important mover and shaker in Boston, pioneering women's health, fat activism, and Jewish lesbian feminist politics.

Heather Smith used fat feminism from the US to develop a fat feminist community in the UK in the late 1980s. Other women were involved with the London Fat Women's Group, but it is Heather's articles and appearances in the British media at that time that turned me onto fat activism. One day I hope we can sit down together over a coffee.

And then there are the queers! Kathleen LeBesco's work championing the queerness of fat bodies and fat activism is visionary. Allyson Mitchell's activism and art blows my mind, the same goes for Scottee's use of fat in performance, and Substantia's abundance of fat photoactivism. The NOLOSE Board have navigated tricky waters around race and gender with imagination and integrity. There's FaT GiRL too.

I have friends and loves whose fat activism moves me very much: hello Amanda, Devra, Kay, and Simon. There are people, too, that I will never know, but whose images spur me onwards: Divine, Fran Fullenwider, Judith Clarke's photograph of Banshee that I found in the GLBT Historical Society archive in San Francisco.

I know there are many names I have missed out, the more I think of people, the more names and faces pop up. But this is where I will leave it for now. Perhaps you might like to share your own giants, perhaps here in comments, or in posts of your own.

Thankful Thursday

2012-05-25T06:15:51Z

Because it can be helpful to think about what’s going right.

1) My carpool.
2) Converting a favorite out-of-print exercise tape to DVD.
3) Allergies doing better.
4) The last book of Mira Grant’s trilogy is out and I loved so much of it. (The titles, in order, are Feed, Deadline, and Blackout. Do read in order.)
5) My boss is pleased with my work. This makes me happy.
6) That the other worlds I visit in books can take me out of myself.
7) The man of the house, who reminds me to eat and gives me backrubs when I feel low.

Filed under: fat acceptance

How get through.

2012-05-25T01:14:00Z

One of you intrepid readers (I am not quoting because they want to remain Anonymous) did your homework from this entry and now you need to know how I get through those Bad Times.

Sometimes people get the impression that my Self Love is bulletproof and always awesome. It's not.

There are days my homies, there have been entire years where there is nothing in the world I've loathed more than everything about myself.

For me these things usually manifest in me nitpicking myself. Hair isn't right, skin is fucked, teeth are fucked, everything about me is stupid and I hate it.

It happens. Sometimes a lot.

When I feel like I need to stop the spiral and work on it here's what I do.

I self care like a mother fucker.

I self care hard.

If I am feeling fucked up I tend to spin out. One little bad thing can quickly become ALL the bad things.

What I've learned is that I need to focus. I need to slow down and sometimes even just stop.

I groom my eyebrows, I give myself a facial, I cut my toe nails, I put on a face full of crazy Drag Queen Level make up.

I do that because in the long term those things are good for me. In the short term, they make me focus. I can't be pissed off and ranting about all the awful things about me while I am cutting my toenails I will hurt myself and I hate that.

Sometimes what I'm doing is putting a bandaid on something because I don't always have the time to be crazy or upset or depressed.

Those moments are what I talk about needing that punk rock ass kicking type love.

These are the moments when I need to say I do not give a fuck.

I often need my self love to be a big fucking stick with which I beat the proverbial shit out of everything because I have shit to do.

If I need to paint my face, put on a ridiculous or inappropriate outfit and stomp out of the house full of rage I do it because I know that for me that works.

Sometimes in order to love myself I have to look at the whole rest of the world and say No Fuck You.

I am an angry person. I am sometimes an aggressive person. Sometimes in order for me to survive myself I need to channel and funnel that.

Sometimes I have to just go to that Bad Crazy Love Place and put those pants on and walk around in them because I want to make it.

So there it is y'all. The secret to my survival and ability to keep moving.

It all boils down to me not giving a fuck.

The only fucks I have to give ever are to myself.

The only person I ever have to always make up with is me.

The only love that is real serious grounding life saving love is the kind I can give to myself.

Because I have learned how to love myself, as in my own special flavor of self love, I have learned to love other people.

I believe that it's been so important for me to define these things for myself because in America I have always known that I am not and cannot be the girl those things are written for.

What I mean by that is that I don't have money. I am not a White Lady. In terms of Western Beauty and goodness I am not in the picture.

And that realization all those years ago as much as it hurt saved my life because I understood that the only person who could make those feelings of self love and blossoming and becoming happen was me.

You see what I did there?

This is one of those tender intersectional places. This is the sort of thing that is hard to talk about because well, it really fucking blows.

However, it's so important because so many of us are just not the Saveable White Lady who is the archetype of the woman who is cared for and nurtured in our society.

Now your homework my homies.

I want you to think about this stuff and sit with it.

I want you to tell yourself that you too, yes you are this important. That you can define your own means of Loving Yourself even when Yourself is being kinda jerky.

I love you my homies.

I am off to feed myself like a growed up.

Homo Out.

If you are seeing this post anywhere other than http://blog.nudemuse.org or via a feed reader it has been stolen.

Adipositivity 547

2012-05-24T00:00:00Z

Adipose: Of or relating to fat. Positivity: Characterized by or displaying acceptance or affirmation. MISSION: The Adipositivity Project aims to promote size acceptance, not by listing the merits of big people, or detailing examples of excellence (these things are easily seen all around us), but rather, through a visual display of fat physicality. The sort that's normally unseen. The hope is to widen definitions of physical beauty. Literally. The photographs here are sometimes close details of the fat female form, often without the inclusion of faces. One reason for this is to coax observers into imagining they're looking at the fat women in their own lives, ideally then accepting them as having aesthetic appeal which, for better or worse, often translates into more complete forms of acceptance. The women you see in these images are educators, executives, mothers, musicians, professionals, performers, artists, activists, clerks, and writers. They are perhaps even the women you've clucked at on the subway, rolled your eyes at in the market, or joked about with your friends. This is what they look like with their clothes off. Some are showing you their bodies proudly. Others timidly. And some quite reluctantly. But they all share a determination in altering commonly accepted notions of a narrow and specific beauty ideal. Bookmark adipositivity.com and check back often, as new photographs are added regularly(ish). And please help spread the message. The Adipositivity Project: Changing attitudes about the aesthetic validity of big women, one fat fanny at a time. ABOUT THE PHOTOGRAPHER: Substantia Jones’ photography has been exhibited in galleries and museums throughout the US East Coast, and has appeared in The New York Times, Time Out New York, and some other publications she can’t recall at this time, but you probably haven’t heard of them anyway. She is biographied in the 2006 Who’s Who in America (though under the name her momma gave her), and back in the day, she won some photography awards which would sound somewhat Mayberry if listed here, but at the time, they damn near made her cry. Still kinda do. She lives in Manhattan, where she also sometimes steps out (more like lays around) in front of the camera, and on some of those occasions, the snapping is done by her trusty sidekick, Dr. H, who also fetches her banana popsicles and maintains her muse, a certain pancake colored dog who’s asked that his name not be mentioned on the Internet. Ms. Jones likes crispy calamari, Squidbillies, and the ika okonomiyaki from Otafuku in the East Village, if only the lines weren’t so long. Thou shalt not reproduce without permission. Except for babies. Make all o' them you want. © The Adipositivity Project 2007-2012

A 50-75% Chance of "Needing" a Cesarean?

2012-05-24T04:53:00Z

Another gem from My OB Said What?!?

“You Have A 50-75% Chance Of Needing A Cesarean Section Next Time…”

“You have a 50-75% chance of needing a cesarean section next time, because you are short and overweight.”

– Perinatologist to mother during preconception meeting...after the mother had already had a successful vaginal birth

This is how many doctors perceive us because of our size (both height and weight). They simply conclude that there is virtually no way for us to birth a baby vaginally, never considering that their own biases around size and their common interventions with short/fat women (inducing early, having a low threshold for surgery) influences these outcomes.

The kicker here is that this woman has already had a vaginal birth, and despite difficult conditions too. Once you've had a vaginal birth, your chances of having another is greatly increased....yet in his eyes, this doesn't really count at all if you are fat and short.

Older women get the same kind of grief. And so do VBAC moms. And it's all nonsense, frankly.

Yes, there is some research showing higher c-section rates in fat women, older women, short women, blah blah blah. But RARELY do they consider whether it's really that "risk factor" or instead the way they manage the labors of these women and the fear they have around these risk factors that increases the cesarean rate more than the risk factor itself.

In obstetric research,the problem is always assumed to be with the woman. Not the care provider's management or perceptions of risk, but somehow the fault of the woman herself (or her obesity, or her age, or her shortness, yadda yadda). I almost never see studies raise the question of provider perception or management at all.

It's time for care providers to recognize that their management of women is an integral part of high c-section rates in certain groups...not the only factor, but a much stronger factor than is generally acknowledged.

I have a dear online friend who is currently having a difficult time finding a provider who will support her for a VBAC. This despite the fact that she has already had TWO VBACs. It doesn't matter; they just see that she's fat and had a prior cesarean.

This is really pissing me off. Especially since I'm all of the above. I'm short, "morbidly obese", old, and a VBAC mom. Most doctors would look at me and tell me I had NO chance of having a vaginal birth because of these four risk factors....and yet I did. Twice.

Risk factors are not absolute sentences. MOST women, even with risk factors, can birth just fine, if they can just get care providers to "let" them have an adequate chance at it.

It's long past time for care providers (and researchers) to recognize that the way providers manage and perceive women with risk factors has a lot to do with the outcomes associated with them.

Things to read

2012-05-24T02:43:12Z

From Jezebel’s Work-Life Balance Isn’t Just for Moms:

The basic point of all of this is that whether you have kids, have a partner but no kids, or are living alone, working too much sucks. It’s no way to live, and we’re not dummies. So at some point, most of us realize that we’d rather do something that allows us to actually have a life, rather than commit every waking hour to a job, no matter how fulfilling we find it.

This is why I’ve been avoiding startups.

Jezebel also had a good post from Lindy West on an Adipositivity Project photo being used as “a joke”.

Can you believe fat people? Just existing willy-nilly all over the place, sometimes without even the courtesy to cloak their terrible bodies in heavy smocks and caftans.

Why, they even expect their copyrights to be respected?!? It’s as if they think they’re people!

Why Obesity is NOT an Eating Disorder:

An ED is a serious emotional problem/illness and obesity is a measure of height and weight. … The comparison between obesity and eating disorders is [akin] to comparing an apple with a chair. You can’t sit in an apple and you can’t eat a chair!

This sort of armchair misdiagnosing does not help anybody, especially not those with actual eating disorders.

Filed under: Anti-fat bigotry, Mental health, Size-Positive Art, Work

Baby, baby

2012-05-22T23:33:02Z

We found out yesterday that my husband’s brother, and his partner, had their baby. They’re in Australia, which means a delay in news (as well as in cuddling my new little niece!) but I’m thrilled to bits to be an auntie for the first time. So close to my son’s sixth birthday (how [...]

Body Love..as I see it.

2012-05-22T22:56:00Z

There is a lot of talk around the internets of the concepts and problems of the whole Love Your Body thing.

My view isn't really one I see a lot so here we go.

First thing is conceptually the Love Your Body Campaigns tend to be a little vague to me.

Here's the thing. When we love something, not our bodies for the moment but say you love another person.

Do we only love that person if they are perfect or always doing what we want?

No.

Love as a thing as a changing breathing difficult thing is never perfect and smooth and wonderful. Not our relationships with our friends, not with our families, not with anything or anyone not ever.

What I don't understand is how so many people conflate this perfect love scenario when we talk about our bodies. Or that to love this thing, our bodies means that we won't ever have an issue with them.

I think that's fairly absurd and potentially a knee jerk DON'T TELL ME WHAT TO DO type reaction rather than a thoughtful one.

Now before anyone gets butthurt take a second to think about it.

I see it time and time again and I think that's a bit of a short sighted problem with the idea of Loving Your Body.

With my view of imperfect regular love in the context of loving our bodies it seems to me that a lot of these campaigns are not inclusive and deeply deeply rooted in the opposite of self love.

Much of the time we are presented with the supposedly wonderful idea to Love Ourselves but, the examples put forth are the air brushed perfected images that uphold the Western Beauty Ideal. This Perfect Love Version of self love and acceptance is deeply hugely problematic because it's presented as a thing only attainable by the White (or White enough looking) able bodied few.

So yes, in that context it's flawed and often ugly.

This is also the view that tells us if we "Love" ourselves enough we will "Love" ourselves into dieting and thinness etc. Also gross and problematic.

Now in my view of a um, let's call it Realistic Love of Our Bodies this doesn't happen.

In my view of encouraging yes everyone to Love Their Bodies I'm not talking about only loving your body when it looks good and functions at an optimal level.

I am for Loving your body enough to understand that sometimes it's going to fail. Sometimes your body is going to be fucked.

Just like in any relationship, you're going to fight. Sometimes it's going to be ugly and really fucking hard. Sometimes, loving your body means accepting that no, you won't walk normally or that no, you won't be thinner or no, your skin won't ever be perfect.

Don't all of us at some point in our lives and loves, don't we need to hang on through the bullshit?

Maybe I'm totally off here but real love, honest love to me means that it's not always sunshine and being able to run marathons.

In my view the most Radical Self Love and Loving Your Body means that well, some days you have to look at yourself and understand that regardless of how mad at your body you are for whatever reason, you are not getting a new one.

Let's sit with that for a second.

No matter what issues you may have, illness, appearance whatever it is. This is the only one you get.

Now when I say love your body, understand that yes it may be flawed I'm not only talking about superficial flaws. I'm also talking about those of us who have various types and degrees of dysphoria. I'm talking about those of us who need to change or alter our genders in body, presentation and how we live.

Yes. You too can love your body. I feel like the key here is to accept and acknowledge that no matter how wrong your body is, it is still your body. In order to get to that place where you feel like your outsides can match your insides or how you were born or how you want the world to see you, you have to keep that body going long enough to get there.

I'm also talking to those of us who have eating disorders, who have the type of dysphoria where we can't see ourselves in mirrors. I'm talking to those of us who may have just found out that they might lose a body part, who are just finding out about an illness that could impact mobility and everything.

Here's the thing.

My Self Love is not fluffy and pretty and full of flowers and candy.

It's ugly. It's a fight. Sometimes I'm fighting the outside influences and sometimes the shit in my own head. It's hard. Some days it's the hardest thing in the world. Sometimes it's dysfunctional and if it was a domestic situation someone would go to jail.

When I tell you to love yourself I'm not telling you to skip through the pumpkin patch I'm saying fight for yourself because you deserve it.

I'm saying that it's okay to have bad days. To have days when you'd rather punch yourself in the mouth than love anything about yourself. It's okay for it to be Tough Love.

It's okay to love yourself when you're not perfect and the love isn't perfect because nothing is ever perfect.

It's okay to look at someone else and say, I kind of hate myself today. It's human to have those moments.

The important thing is that you make it through them. Make it through so you can get to that place that feels right. If that means you make it by faking it for a while that's fine. If you have to say I am going to make it so I can be the Boy/boi/grrl/girl/woman/boygirl/Queen/whatever I dream of being that is okay too.

It's okay not to worship or love your body all the time. It's okay to feel wobbly about loving anything including yourself sometimes.

It's okay.

All these things said, I say Love yourself.

Love yourself in whatever way you can because only you can decide what kind of love it needs to be. Maybe for right now it's an uneasy love. Maybe it's a love born out of realizing you survived a lot of bullshit. Maybe it's a love that looks forward to becoming or growing into who you want to show the world. Maybe it's a love that rides uneasily on your skin. Maybe it's a love that is huge and bright and sunny. Maybe it's a love that you're hanging on to with a fierce outfit and some outlandish lipstick.

My personal Love Myself is gangster. It's punk Rock. Sometimes it means I look at myself and say fuck you get it done. Sometimes it means that I have to have days when I hate everything and keep stepping because it is imperative to me that I make it through the bullshit.

My Self Love is rough. It's mean sometimes and it's how I need it to be.

What's yours?

Are you hanging in there?

Here's your homework. I want you my homies to look at yourself and say (bonus points for outloud) "Okay self, you are really fucked up right now because of (insert thing here) we're going to keep going. Fuck it."

Then report back. If you can't say that and mean it, think about it and report back.

So I love you my homies and haters. I love how fucked up you are, how your bodies may not be doing what you need or want them to do, I love you when you're depressed, I love you when you're happy.

I love you.

And your butts too.

Homo Out.

If you are seeing this post anywhere other than http://blog.nudemuse.org or via a feed reader it has been stolen.

Loving Your Body

2012-05-22T17:18:58Z

A very interesting conversation has been going on in the tumblrverse about the meme of loving your body. Marianne Kirby argues that this meme can be problematic. Kirby explained her issues with the concept on her tumblr page:

It’s very much coming from a place where people want to feel good about themselves and to help other people feel good about themselves, too.

But it homogenizes bodily experience and feeling - basically it dictates the One True Way people are “supposed” to feel about their bodies. And that skeeves me. Because there are lots of reasons people have complicated relationships with their bodies - from trans identity to disability to body dysmorphia in general and so on.

I also think that for someone just coming off dieting or an eating disorder, loving the body is far too tall of an order. I found loving my body to be unfathomable at first and not something I could force. Feeling love for the body can be incredibly challenging, and really is not necessary in my experience.

However, I found that accepting my body is very important. For me, the ideas expressed in the Serenity Prayer, popular in recovery circles, are applicable in this situation:

Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference.

I spent many years hating my body and not accepting it as it was. I did myself a great deal of emotional and physical damage with that state of mind.

So, I had to make acceptance important. I could change some things such as becoming stronger or flexible. However, after 30 years of trying, I had to accept my weight as it was.

Additionally, I must accept my body as it is before I can make any improvements. I have to accept my current level of fitness before I can make progress, or I wind up injured and in worse shape. I have to accept my health where it is before I can address any issues, before I try to make it better.

To me feeling love for the body is not as important as accepting it and honoring it. Yet, I think accepting and honoring are forms of love – love the verb. We tend to think of love as a feeling – that ooey-gooey feeling we usually associate with the term. That feeling is wonderful, but fleeting even in the best of relationships or situations.

What is not fleeting is the choice to act lovingly, whether it be to ourselves or others. I can always choose to act lovingly towards my body, no matter how I feel about it. I can always choose to connect with my body. I can always choose to feed it and exercise it according to its needs. I cannot control how I feel about it.

So, in my viewpoint, trying to feel love for my body really isn’t important. Choosing to treat my body with respect and honor, to act lovingly towards it, is vital.

5 percent, lapband investigations and fail.

2012-05-22T00:23:08Z

As I've mentioned many times before, dieting and other weight loss methods don't work for most people in the long run. Some of them are downright dangerous for health and self-esteem.

Case in point: investigations on Allergan's lapband surgery are moving forward. This time it's federal rather than just in California.

In January, House Democratic lawmakers called for hearings on medical devices including Lap-Band, following a study in the medical journal Archives of Surgery, that found almost half of patients with a gastric band had no weight loss or needed the device removed after six years. More than 40 percent had long- term complications.

While Lapband is being investigated, a few people at the FDA finally got their bribes-- I mean incentatives-- because the panel approved the diet drug Lorcaserin despite previously rejecting it.

The drug works to control the appetite through receptors in the brain, and a study showed it helped nearly half of participants lose up to five percent of their body weight

So the FDA wants to put people at risk for heart valve and psychological problems so that 38% rather than 16% could lose 5% of their body weight over a year (most people could lose that during a bad stomach flu.)

Concerns about heart valve problems helped spur the advisory panel to vote 9-5 against recommending approval of lorcaserin in September 2010. Committee members' other safety concerns included psychiatric problems such as psychosis and breast and brain tumors seen in rats given the drug. Meanwhile, patients who took lorcaserin lost only a bit more weight than those given a placebo.

So let's repeat the mantra, no diet drug has ever worked in the long run and some of them are dangerous.

Meanwhile in Australia Doctors are shocked when fat teenage girls pressured to diet, exercise and lose weight don't retain healthy habits or weight loss after a year. One reason it failed was because the girls didn't care.

Participation in some of those activities was less than ideal. For example, the girls went to only one-quarter of optional lunchtime exercise sessions, and less than one in ten completed at-home physical activity or nutrition challenges, the researchers reported in the Archives of Pediatrics & Adolescent Medicine.

The researchers thought they would try again with something more fun probably not realizing that 13 year old girls are vulnerable to weight loss peer pressure, and it is the age of being self-conscious. They will have it bad enough from their peers, they don't need it from adults, too. Here's an easy solution. Make sure there is enough funding for fun gym classes, after school sports, and healthy lunches, then let kid's weights fall into whatever range is normal for them.

ExtraOrdinary ebook -- "hot new release" in Death & Grief

2012-05-22T04:26:59Z

Amazon.com is listing the Kindle edition of the newest book from Pearlsong Press, ExtraOrdinary: An End of Life Story Without End, as one of its Hot New Releases in the Death & Grief category. Rankings appear to move hourly relative...

Anyway you look at it, we're wrong

2012-05-21T18:15:00Z

The other day, I accidentally exposed myself to bit of gossipy fat shaming over a celebrity's pregnancy related weight gain. I usually try to avoid this sort of thing, but that's the problem with a pervasive culture of fat stigmatization. You can try to mitigate it, but its far too present to ever be able to just ignore.

I quickly realized, though, that there were actually three "scandals" I was aware of at the moment relating to new mothers getting shamed for for their bodies. That seems like more than is even usual, but that may be because the intense "gotchya" instinct to root out any celebrities not doing their "job" and being thin and pretty at all times. Bollywood star Aishwarya Rai, singer and wannabe diet spokesperson Jessica Simpson, and actress Bryce Dallas Howard have all received scrutiny for varying degrees of transgressive non-thinness. Actually, in the process of writing this post, I've also learned that former teen star Hilary Duff was also getting scorn for not being an appropriate size less than a month after the birth of her child.

Perhaps against my better judgment, I waded into the comments of an article breathlessly sharing photos of Bryce Dallas Howard. What struck me as really discouraging was how every possible angle on this endorses and affirms fat shaming. Critics and supporters of Howard, alike, consistently framed their position in a manner unflinchingly approving of fat hate. You'd think this would just be limited to the people making crass insults about her current size or those who try to seem more reasonable by setting aside snide insults in favor for solemn scolding about how motherhood is no excuse for weight gain. You expect fat hate from those camps

What's really disheartening is how the acceptable defense of Howard and other celebrities like her is framed. Her defenders may call for compassion and understanding, but only from a perspective which concedes that fat is an improper state of being. They call for compassion not because fat people deserve respect. They do so out of pity. The "understanding" they speak of is built around the idea that fat is an awful thing to have happened to them and we should all be sympathetic with their plight. Its less a retort to fat shaming, and more a call for limited restraint while we allow people perceived to be temporary fat, transactionally fat, to get their affairs in order. They have no dispute with fat people being awful. They just think some fat people can have a chance to correct themselves if the circumstances of their fatness merit pity.

In a lot of ways, I find this attitude to be far more harmful and damaging than more overt fat shaming because of the sense of smug, self-satisfaction that comes with it. Well, not just the smugness. Most fat shamers have an over-abundances of smugness and self-righteousness, but its the nature of this smugness that really gets to me. See, they are smug because they think they are different from direct fat shamers. They flatter themselves and their sense of compassion with their patronizing pity. They feel entitled to their smugness in a way that's much more harmfully self-aggrandizing than those who jump right to snark and scolding. They try to capture all the privilege that comes with being a fat shamer, but then also lay claim to being enlightened about it.

In the end, "reasonable" fat hate is what empowers it's more overt and vicious forms. It is a symbiotic relationship where the two positions try to define the discussion of fatness as a binary where both sides agree that fat people are irredeemably wrong. This is never more obvious than when I see how non-fat positive spaces "debate" fatness. Fat liberation views have no place at the table. Its just a bunch of people arguing over how best to hate us. While "reasonable" fat hate puts a lot of stock into feeling morally superior to overt fat hate, it still fundamentally affirms it as an acceptable position. The idea that a person can gain weight without this being a personal failing at all? Not so much. No, you can debate when there should be consequences for the "moral failing". You can debate how much pity to offer those beset by the moral failing. You can even make conditional excuses for the moral failing. But you cannot question its wrongness.

I know these celebrities aren't going to be the faces of fat liberation. All will almost certainly lose the weight that is expected of them by whatever means necessary and employing enormous resources that bare no resemblance to how most people live their lives. Still, in a very real way, these are who fat liberation is fighting for. We're fighting for a world where people aren't just arguing over how to best hate and discourage fat people. We're fighting for a world where someone's weight is not a condition of social acceptance. We're fighting for a world where people aren't pilloried if their body happens to change and find itself at a larger size. We're not okay with people discussing fatness so as anyway you look at it, we're wrong. We're not participating in that mindset and culture at all. We're demanding something else. Not just for the fat people who've gotten to the place where we can stand nothing else, but for us all. We deserve better. Every last one of us.

Character Control -- A Pearlsong Conversation

2012-05-21T01:12:12Z

In the May 20, 2012 Pearlsong Conversations teleconference call, Pearlsong publisher Peggy Elam, Ph.D. & several Pearlsong authors talked about creating—and reining in— fictional characters. Authors participating in this Conversation included Lynne Murray, author of The Falstaff Vampire Files, Bride...

More praise for ExtraOrdinary: An End of Life Story without End

2012-05-20T14:00:00Z

"A beautifully written story about the incomparable Herman Liss, told by the daughter who adored him for 30 years and the young boy who knew him for only one. Through their words they shine a brilliant light on a remarkable...

OoTD No. 28 – Winter dressing, summer style

2012-05-20T11:02:32Z

Though I love summer in Sydney, I am growing more appreciative of the cooler months. The air is fresh, my kitchen smells of roasts and stews and apple crumble, and I can wear something more substantial than thin cotton tops and double pluggers.

And it is starting to get quite wintery in Sydney, but that’s no reason to stop blinding people with summer-style colour.

My dear apple bag has been quite neglected of late, but after seeing Jackie’s amazing collection of bags that look like other things on Show Tell Share, I was inspired to dust it off.

I’m lightly obsessed with these ridiculous shirts. They were made by Mambo in the ’90s (before they decided to reinvent themselves as just another beige surf brand) in a bunch of iconic designs. The ones by Reg Mombassa – like this one – are just so wonderfully Australian. I’ve tracked down quite a few on ebay, and despite the shirts being something a middle aged man would wear to a barbecue, I love them dearly. They’re a summer staple, but when my wardrobe was particularly empty and my laundry pile was particularly big, I decided to winterise them with a natty bow tie and v-neck jumper.

Jumper: Second hand from Twirl Vintage Co – size M
Shirt: Mambo Loud Shirt via ebay – size M.
Jeans: Jay Jays – size 16. Old collection.
Shoes: Asos Marky Traditional Brogues – UK size 8. Similar styles available.
Bow tie: Asos. Old collection.
Bag: Mink Schmink. Old collection.

I am 1.72m/5’8″, 95kg/209lbs and I normally wear an Australian size 16/UK size 18/US size 14-16. My measurements are 107-99-120cm/42-39-47 inches.

KISS MY ANGRY FAT ASS

2012-05-20T03:20:24Z

I am so incredibly angry.

And you won’t like me angry.

While working on the NAAFA roundup, I made the mistake of reading comments on an article about Weight of the Nation.

Let me say this. I have no intention of watching Weight of the Nation on HBO or reading the book. I have heard enough about it to know that it is just more of the same old myths and misinformation about fat people that stoke the fat hatred that is reflected in the comments I read. I am not going to subject myself to it.

I just want to say -

HOW DARE ANYONE TELL ME I HAVE TO JUSTIFY MY RIGHT TO LIVE MY LIFE AS A FAT PERSON?

Fuck you.

My health is not your concern. It is none of your business. So don’t tell me, you are just concerned about my health. Trust me, you can put that in the great big box in your head marked “Not my problem”.

We are all going to die. When and how I die is of concern to a very few people. My being fat is not going to make your life longer or shorter, better or worse.

If it makes you feel superior to me because of a number on a scale – get on with your bad self. But I don’t want to listen to it.

I am tired of trying to have a polite conversation with you people who hate fat people but cannot admit it. I’m tired of people politely correcting you with facts and having you come back with another stream of fat phobia. You do not want to hear facts. You are too invested in what “everyone knows”. Go ahead and lie to yourself, but don’t think that you are deceiving me. I know who and what you are.

And I’m so tired of people being afraid of fat people.

You want to be afraid of fat people, keep it up. I repeat, you won’t like me angry.

Birth Story Video: Jennifer's Waterbirth

2012-05-19T21:36:00Z

Here is the birth story and wedding/birth video of a plus-sized mama I thought readers might enjoy. It's not a short video (about 6 minutes) but it's well worth watching!

Below is the mother's story (which includes 4 previous miscarriages) and what she wants other women of size to know about pregnancy and birth.

My name is Jennifer. I live in southern Oregon and am a midwife apprentice. I have attended many births and have caught 4 babies under supervision. Of the many births I have attended, a good handful have been to plus-size mommas.

Two off the top of my head were between 300-400 lbs. Both mommas had very healthy uneventful pregnancies and wonderful easy labors, and both mommas delivered in water at home. Water is great for plus-size mommas because it allows you to move more easily into different positions.

I myself am a plus size momma. I am 5'6" and started my pregnancy at 232 lbs., about size 18. I finished my pregnancy at 276. I know doctors like to tell you to only gain 15 lbs. if you're "obese" but that's one of many reasons I didn't choose a doctor! I am a firm believer that as long as you gain your weight on healthy food then you gain what you need, and restricting food can cause issues in pregnancy. Nutrition is key in pregnancy, especially protein!

I had a wonderful very healthy pregnancy with a midwife, and gave birth to a beautiful baby at home on Christmas eve. A baby girl, 9 lbs. 12 ounces, 20.5 inches.

Being plus size and pregnant is a challenge but I think it's because we set up obstacles in our minds. Will I look pregnant, how much weight will I gain, will I be able to handle the physical demands of labor, will I be bullied into tests and procedures because I'm overweight?

Remember that you are a strong, intelligent, beautiful woman who can birth a healthy baby, regardless of your weight. If you aren't comfortable being your own advocate, then hire a doula! Get educated, know your options, and don't forget to celebrate this beautiful rite of passage!