Fathered Five

Family Togetherness

Joe — Wed, 03 Sep 2008 18:46:49 +0000

There’s new snow on the mountaintops here. It’s true: snow. Before the end of summer. It was the same storm that drenched our campsite two hours north of here last weekend. We spent two nights in the tent on the hard ground. Then the rain chased us into the camper-trailer of my sister in law for the third night. See me and Her Hotness and four of the five AND four relatives smashed into an 8 feet wide and twelve feet long aluminum cell on wheels. Oh yeah, AND I broke my foot playing sand volleyball. Now if that isn’t a demonstration of “tard,” I don’t know what is.

I’m grousing but it really wasn’t bad. Except for the near fatal athletic injury, of course. The kids had a good time and that’s what this trip was all about from the beginning. I knew that going in. And Her Hotness’s family is relatively sane when the parents aren’t around.

Stay tuned for next time when I tell you all about the big guy on the diving platform and the 300 total strangers who all united to cheer for him.

Share This

10-word Descriptions of Parenting or Marriage

Joe — Sun, 24 Aug 2008 05:36:33 +0000

I just sleep better when you’re beside me, that’s all.

The art of loving someone while not always liking them.

They’re little pieces of me. I’ll never do better work.

I know it doesn’t matter, but I’m just really tired.

The negotiation between what you want and what is right.

The trick is learning to want that which is right.

You have to change your Self to do it well.

You can’t love someone so much and not be changed.

Imagine herding cats. Whatever you imagined, you’re short by half.

We made them, but could never have divined such love.

Share This

Top 10 Blogging Cliches

Joe — Fri, 22 Aug 2008 06:50:58 +0000

No, I’m not talking about your blog, so get off your big sensitive self and just see if the shoe fits. We’ve all done ‘em all, so I’m not picking on anyone in particular here.

Here they are, then, roughly in some kind of order.

10. The Top 10 List. We have visions of ten witty observations, all united by a common theme. The problem is, not many lists can sustain the wit for ten items. Including this one.

9. The How-To Post. You have to write them if you’re a blogger. It’s a rule. A sure-fire traffic generator is what I’m told. But there are so many How-To posts now that we’re really scraping the bottom of the barrel for original material.

8. The Apology Post. I’m so sorry I haven’t posted for a while, but I’m going to turn over a new leaf and post more often. Psst! Hey, Blogger. A couple of things. First, nobody cares. Second, imagine a person who sits in front of his monitor wondering why you haven’t posted in so long and getting so cheesed off that you think an apology is in order. Is this the kind of reader you want to keep by singing your sad song?

7. The Book Review. Yeah, but I’m going to keep doing them. Good books should be shared, you know?

6. Navel Gazing. Musing over things like forefathers and the moment when as a child you realized you would one day die. You know what I’ve figured out? People prefer it if you keep your lint to yourself. The worst example ever: an essay I read in which the author wrote in excruciating descriptive detail about his penis. No kidding. (A confession: I like reading really well written lint. But not about penises, no matter how good the writing is.)

5. The I-don’t-have-anything-to-say-but-I-feel-oddly-pressured-to-post-so-watch-this-video Post. Scratch up something you like on YouTube and embed it. Ahhh, all better now. The vids I post were usually sent to me in email.

3. Posts About Blogging. I mean, really. It’s like navel gazing about navel gazing. (Exception granted to you lucky sods whose blogs are about blogging.)

2. The 1:00 a.m. Post. In which it’s obligatory to state that you can’t sleep. And then all your readers go, “Ohhh, I see. That explains it then. He normally would be sleeping at that hour, but last night was an exception. I’m glad he cleared that up.”

1. The Meme/Tag. I’ve just posted a Top 10 list and now I’m going to publicly call out 50 other bloggers and they have to post a Top 10 list. (I’ve been tagged by some readers and was happy to play at the time. Was flattered that you picked me. But I’ve started to ignore them. It’s not you, it’s me.) Another sure-fire traffic generator, allegedly, though I’m skeptical. I think it was actually invented by a 6th grader. Bloggers will collectively look back on this trend five years from now and wonder why we thought it was so fun. Kind of like the hula hoop. But they’re so hard to resist! It’s like having someone extend a hand to shake yours and you just leave them hanging. It’s hard to do. Anyway, they’re having-someone-else-put-their-finger-in-your-nose annoying. There, I said it. Now I’ll never be tagged again. But we can still be friends.

You’re guilty! You know who you are. What would you add to the list?

Share This

Beautifully Done

Joe — Thu, 21 Aug 2008 14:09:34 +0000

If you can find 11 minutes to watch this, I promise it will be worth your while. It’s a beautifully done short film about…well, something to do with dads and presence.

Share This

Oh, Great! Now That’s My Fault, Too?!

Joe — Thu, 21 Aug 2008 02:05:19 +0000

From the Men’s Health daily ~~marketing rag~~ newsletter:

Dads—looks like you influence your kids more than you think. According to an Australian study, children are more likely to mimic your diet and exercise routines than Mom’s.

The researchers looked at 165 overweight children over a 6-month period, and found children who lost the most weight had fathers who were engaged in new eating and exercise plans.

So I’m keeping a list of things good dads are supposed to do: listen to your daughters, protect them, provide for the family, create a safe environment, initiate boys through the stages of male development, hold, rock, and feed infants, and on and on. And that’s just the beginning. Looks like it’s time to add “don’t make them fat” to the list. (There’s a completely separate list for things good husbands are supposed to do!)

Now it turns out I have to give up Twinkies and couch time, too, because the kids might see me eating them and think it’s okay to sit around eating potato chips and watching TV, which they are naturally inclined to do anyway. As am I. Path of least resistance and all.

The blurb continues (sorry; my source doesn’t cite the original study):

Your plate generally has less vegetables and more meat than your wife’s, making her the “bad guy” and you the hero of the household. Also, fathers tend to act as the role models of the house—when they make their lives healthier, the whole family becomes healthier.

Okay, I think that first point is stupid. Four of my five wouldn’t notice if all their hair fell out and they’re going to notice that my plate has less vegetables than mom’s? Please.

Americans are the fattest people on the planet, with childhood obesity literally at epidemic rates (1 in 4 children in New York City public schools is overweight). This is what David looked like after a two month tour through the U.S. (brought to you by McDonald’s, KFC, and agribusiness). I don’t know what other factors are involved, but mistakes by parents appear to contribute to this trend in obese kids and the attendant health problems. I know a lot of parents who stock up on chips and candy and ice cream. (I’ll have more to say about this when I tell you about a cool book I just finished, In Defense of Food.)

Luckily, we do pretty well in this regard at Chez Five. Necessity early on trained us not to buy junk food, not to eat out too often. It also meant we didn’t buy video game consoles or cable TV. And we’ve kind of grown to like it that way even though we could afford to do differently now. As a result, our teenagers snack on carrots and Albacore tuna (and raw onions for Boy 13) and chat online for amusement—but only for an hour per day. No kidding. Yeah, they pretty much hate us. Still, I could lose about 20 pounds and I do a fair amount of sitting. Looks like I just gained 5 more reasons to change.

Share This

Gratuitous Sap

Joe — Mon, 18 Aug 2008 22:51:08 +0000

Girl 2 was upset last night because Her Hotness wouldn’t play hide and seek with her during dinner. When she’d had enough, she stomped off to find her blankie, howling all the way to her room. She cried in there for a few minutes then whimpered back into the living room where Boy 4 was on the couch.

“Can you give me hugs?” she asked him.

He, being a guy, was too engrossed in his show to respond. (It was Scamper the Penguin, after all! Don’t tell me you’ve never been so engrossed you don’t hear what your girl says.)

We got his attention and told him she was sad and needed a hug. So he hugged her.

She needed some more a few minutes later. “Can you give me hugs?” And he heard her this time and hugged her again.

Pretty soon she was all better. I think it must have been his hugs.

Share This

Only If I Chaperone?

Joe — Fri, 15 Aug 2008 03:49:59 +0000

20 years ago, while I was a missionary in Brazil, Her Hotness was at home living her normal life as a gorgeous 18-19 year old. That is to say, she dated a lot of guys. (Let me be very clear: “date” in my culture means just that—go out on dates. It doesn’t mean “bonking,” like it so often means in the glittering and chattering classes today.)

I doubt she spent a single weekend night at home during the two years I was gone. One guy, in particular, she dated a lot. Name was Jeff. But they split up before I got home, and the rest was history.

But a couple of years after we got married, Jeff resurfaced. He called my wife at work, just to chat, and wondered if we would like to get together with him and his wife just for kicks.

She told him she’d check with me and call him back. I thought about it for about a second and said No Way. She called him back and told him no and that was that.

Today’s post brought to you by Mr. Thompson, who comments on the His Needs, Her Needs post:

Well i haven’t got this book yet but i will get Soon ; For now i have a questions for everyone especially Husbands ? My wife told me a old friend of hers call her job and Ask will she go out to lunch with him later on this week and she told him of course i will . And then she call me and told me this and i was mad because she didn’t evite me she thought i was going to be ok with it ; I don’t think so big No, No No ! I said to her babe i’m going with you . He not going to be with you alone for Lunch ! All the Husbands do you agree with me or Not agree with me . And she’s 13 weeks pregnant with our 1st child !

First, Mr. T, congratulations on the baby. You’re in for a heck of a wild ride. Second, I agree with you. Third, even though this reunion with her old friend is probably completely innocent, I think your comfort level gets to dictate what does and does not happen in this situation. (Assuming you’re a reasonable person and not a yutz.) Marriage is a long process of give and take. She should give in this case.

Husbands, what do you think?

Share This

Snippets: Princess of the Hill

Joe — Wed, 13 Aug 2008 03:57:54 +0000

The boys introduced Girl 2 to king of the hill over the weekend. The couch was the hill. A large stack of pillows and towels and blankets made for a soft landing.

Yesterday, Boy 4 and Girl 2 wanted to play it again, but we were trying to get the house in order and wouldn’t let them make a mess with the blankets and pillows. They decided to play it anyway. You see where this is going.

Not long into the game, Girl 2 was thrown off the couch. She landed on her feet but couldn’t hold it and fell hard on her bum. Hysteria ensued.

She came to me for sympathy. I rubbed her owie and kissed her and told her I was sorry she was hurt. She got irritated and squirmed off my lap. She went into the living room, still howling at the injustice of it all, and said, “I want to play king of the hill!”

Share This

Snippets

Joe — Tue, 05 Aug 2008 04:10:58 +0000

Her Hotness and Girl 16 were gone half of last week for Girls Camp. The other four stayed with my in-laws, and Joe had two glorious nights alone.

When I went to the in-laws’ house to pick up the four on Friday, we’d been apart since Wednesday. I packed them and their gear into the car and started the short drive home.

Boy 4 piped up from the back seat, “I’m happy to be a famowee again.”

Is that not the sweetest thing? That one will carry me for a while.

Share This

What’s the Average Dad to Do?

Joe — Sun, 03 Aug 2008 17:27:14 +0000

There were eight of us on the ridge, roped together in two teams—my son Samuel (thirteen at the time) and me, Morgan, and our guide. … We climbed the Grand in two teams of four, using a hip belay. … It’s a choice made in favor of speed, being faster than using various climbing gear to set and then remove fixed protection at every belay station. And speed is one of the nonnegotiables on the Grand. You want to get up and off the peak before there are any thunderstorms so common to the West, which bring with them the deadly lightning strikes. …

Once you commit to the ridge there is no turning back, no down-climbing option is available. The only way off is up. The faster the better. It adds to the drama of the climb, facing each tough move with no choice but to do it. Several times I would make a move or climb a section of a pitch and think to myself, I hope Sam can do this—he’s never made a move like that before. We’d done quite a bit of climbing, stuff much harder than the actual moves on the Grand, except for the thousands of feet of exposure on three sides. There was no one to coach him up, and no communication between us except tugs on the rope to signal “Ready to belay—you can start climbing” and “Okay, I’m climbing.” Eighty to a hundred feet or so of rope lies between, and with the arc of the ridge sweeping ever upward, you cannot see the climbers above or below until you are nearly upon them, or they upon you.

So begins John Eldredge’s chapter on the next stage of boyhood, the Cowboy.

He took his Boy 13 to climb the Grand Teton so he could challenge himself and confront the burning question at the heart of masculinity: Do I Have What It Takes?

Who are these superdads?? Are they independently wealthy? Unemployed? Parents of one child? How do they do it? (It’s rhetorical. If you are one of those dads fresh off your latest skydiving adventure with your adolescent son, I so don’t want to hear about it.)

And how’s the average Joe supposed to measure up to that? I mean, my Boy 13’s rite of passage is going to have to be his grilling of a steak all by himself (and it wasn’t easy NOT to go “help,” let me tell you). The day I climb a mountain with him is the day he carries my ashes up in a little sack on his back. (Hills near our home excluded because at no point do your feet leave the ground.)

You see, the Cowboy’s greatest need is adventure so that he can prove himself. A good dad, an initiating dad, will provide those opportunities. And he’ll do it by his son’s side, not having relinquished his responsibility to make the world safe for his wandering, wondering boy.

Maybe I’m too uptight. Is it wrong not to let him make bombs? Should I have let him keep his knife after he sliced his leg open while—I’m not making this up—cleaning it on his pants? (That was two weeks ago. The stitches are out. The gash is still open.) Scars are just part of the adventure, no? Part of the proving it to himself. His latest self-inflicted injury is a black eye. He was chopping wood with—I’m still not making this up—a shovel, and somehow the handle bounced up and smacked him. He’s lucky he didn’t send shards of his glasses into his eye.

I’m only human, is all I’m sayin’. An average guy with an average income and more demands on him than time or temperament to meet them. Maybe Boy 13’s big adventure and challenge can be proving himself despite me.

Share This