Fathers and Daughters Growing Together

For the Love of...My Daddy

noreply@blogger.com (Lucy) — Sun, 18 Dec 2011 13:09:00 +0000

Do you ever feel like your prayers aren’t being heard? Do you ever wonder if you should just quit praying for someone?

After praying for my dad since I was nine… I kinda started to think that we would never have the kind of relationship that I always wanted. I mean, after praying for over twenty years about something, who wouldn’t be tempted to give up? Right?

Growing up, I had an amazing relationship with my step-dad, Mark Simpson. He was a living example of what a godly man really looks like. I always wished that I could be as close to my real dad as I was to Mark.

For years I prayed for my dad’s relationship with Jesus, and asked God to forgive me if I was harboring unforgiveness towards my dad. I had definitely felt let down by my dad, and I seriously doubted that we would ever have a good relationship… but I kept praying. Sometimes I prayed more fervently than others… and sometimes I just felt like it wasn’t doing any good.

Four months ago God really started working in my heart and showing me a few things about myself. He has been teaching me about grace, love, and real forgiveness.

I realized that although I thought I had forgiven my dad, God showed me that not only did I need to really forgive my dad, but I also needed to forgive myself. I was always so hard on myself, and when I would mess up, I asked God for forgiveness (which the Bible says He freely gives), but I realized that I wasn’t accepting His forgiveness.

I realized I had pride because I wouldn’t allow myself to experience the freedom that comes when God wipes your “sin slate” clean . Although I gave my life to God at age three and it was a very real decision for me, I didn’t really know it, but I was kind of trying to earn God’s love. So,when I messed up, I had a hard time accepting God’s forgiveness.

One day, I asked God to fix this stuff once and for all. I didn’t want to drag this burden around any more, and I definitely didn’t want to bring it into a marriage relationship. My unforgiving heart towards my dad and towards me needed to go! The crazy thing is… that God took all that stuff away. Really! I haven’t been the same since that day.

Since then (it has been a couple months now), my relationship with my dad has been so special, so encouraging, and so wonderful… I seriously can’t think about it without tearing up. God really can restore a dad to his daughter and a daughter to her dad. God really answers prayers… even if it was twenty-one years later.

When my dad came in town for my NO SEX TOUR launch party, we all had the best time together! Only God could have done that… Praise God for His lovingkindness, and praise God for my daddy, Garry Isham.

Dad, your support and encouragement with my book and my tour have meant the world to me… thank you for believing in me and for loving me!

Love,
Linds

For more information about how to have a Biblical understanding of forgiveness, honoring your parents, sex, and dating relationships
~ Buy the Book ~
No Sex in the City
by
Lindsey N. Isham
www.lindseyisham.com

Advice to Dads from Lindsey Isham, author of No Sex In The City

noreply@blogger.com (Lucy) — Sun, 18 Dec 2011 12:40:00 +0000

There are many reasons why the teenage pregnancy rate has increased in the United States, but a few reasons I think are the most poignant.

Hypersexualized media
Many people buy the lies the media conveys about sex. Fewer girls have a loving relationship with their dad. Many kids do not have their birth parents raising them, so their role models have shifted from their parents to people like Brad and Angelina. Kids are being introduced to shows and movies that are way too sexual. Remember, you are the parent, don’t allow her to listen to music that makes women sex objects. Help her to edify her mind, body, and soul by keeping her from the perversion of nasty lyrics and sexually explicit movies.

Leave it to the church/school/etc
Many parents weren’t virgins when they married so they feel inadequate to tell their kids that they should be. So, they leave the sex educating up to the teachers and pastors. That’s not enough for kids. Use your story, be transparent, and constantly pamper your daughter and remind her of the princess that she really is.

Federal cuts
Interestingly enough, Planned Parenthood in 2005-2006 received $902.8 million with an ‘excess of revenue’ totaling $55.8 million. In comparison, the abstinence only programs received somewhere (reports vary) from $50-150 million/year. I believe that saying, “Don’t have sex, but if you do, here is how to use a condom,” or “If you do have sex and find you are pregnant with an ‘unwanted child’ it’s okay, we will take care of that problem for you.” This is not the kind of teaching singles need.

Advice to dads
Singles need to understand the benefits of being abstinent, the challenging aspects of it (Like being a thirty year old virgin and how hard it can be to keep that commitment), but they also need to know how to live out that commitment. This is why I wrote my book. I had heard abstinence speakers motivate people to save sex, and their messages were inspiring, but I didn’t know what to do after making that commitment.

Fathers can help their daughters by showing them the kind of respect they deserve and by being involved in her relationships. I don’t know of a girl who hated the fact that her kind, loving, caring father set boundaries for her, and was open and available to communicate with her. I am not talking about the “annual father/daughter date,” I am talking about daily conversations with your daughter. Daily young girls and adult women think about guys, dating, and sex, so daily the godly father should be doing something to esteem her.

I was in college when I approached my step-dad and told him I needed more one-on-one time with him, so he did something about it. He told me he would take me out to breakfast once a week just so we could talk. I say “we” but he knew he was going to be doing most of the listening. I craved his attention and trusted his advice. I saw the way he loved my mom, and everyone who knew them said they were the happiest couple they had ever seen. He was the first opinion I wanted about a guy I was interested in. All of my guy friends came to my parent’s home to meet the family long before I thought about being in a relationship with them.

My parents were fun and they created a safe place for me to find out more about these guys as well as for them to get to know them. So many times guys tried to fool me into thinking that they were what I was looking for, but after meeting my step-dad, he would ask me a few tough questions, we talked, I begged him to give me his opinion, he prayed for me and then I made a decision.

Dad’s if I could give you any advice it would be to show your daughter how important she is to you. Grill those guys who ask her out, and don’t let just anyone take her out. (She will of course get mad at you sometimes, but she will see very quickly that she can trust your discernment and that will bring you closer.) Take her on dates, open her car doors, tell her how pretty she is (at least once a day), talk about what God is doing in your life, be vulnerable with each her about things you struggled with at her age. Go to her sporting events, plays, etc. When she gets asked out for prom, (and you give your blessing to go out with the guy) take her to get an up-do (or give her money so she can go with her mom) and a makeover. Take lots of pictures of her and with her. Compliment her in front of her friends, your friends, etc… From an early age create a fun, loving, trusting environment and I guarantee that you will be her standard in what she looks for in a man.

Check out Lindsey's websit to purchase a copy of her book: www.lindseyisham.com

End Demand NYC / A campaign to end sex trafficking

noreply@blogger.com (Lucy) — Tue, 12 Apr 2011 14:55:00 +0000

The above video is an excellent source of information about sex trafficking in the US. As a father your protection of your daughter begins with your presence, continues with your guidance, and continues with your persistence.

While it may be unlikely that your daughter will get lured into the sex-slave industry, there are still skills of discernment that you can instill in her that will help her protect herself.

Make sure your daughter, even your adult daughter, knows that she can call you at any time, from any place, and you will come for her. If she lives out of town, guide your daughter in staying in touch with extended family and other adults who she can trust and make sure those people have your contact information.

While many of the young women caught in the sex slave industry are run-aways or even sold into it by a family member; it also happens that young women are kidnapped, college-age women are convinced that this is a temporary, great way to make money and put themselves through college. One of the fasting growing segments of this industry is the pimp inside the high school selling tricks in the locker room.

Your daughter needs and wants to hear your understanding of sex and healthy sexuality, where it fits and where it doesn't. She is hearing extremely distorted/even sick ideas about sex at a tender age (typically 11-13 but at times even younger). Your teaching and guidance will carry her through the waters of distorted perceptions of sex and sexuality.

Teaching True Love To A Sex-At-13 Generation, by Eric & Leslie Ludy is a great resource for helping parents and concerned adults teach pre-teens and teens about sex and healthy sexuality. If you would like this resource, I can provide it for you at a discount. The regular price is $13.99. I can sell it to you for $7. Click here to purchase.

Video Sexting and Your Teen

noreply@blogger.com (Lucy) — Wed, 23 Mar 2011 15:52:00 +0000

Sexting has reached a new level of popularity as teens use their phones to make videos. They need our instruction, warning and support.

Most often, the videos are made to be shared between two love-birds who believe they will be together forever. When they bread up, the videos are being spread around and the hurt that follows is profoundly deep.

In our "sex-crazed" culture, it is good to know that current research shows parents as still having the #1 influence on how their teens view sex. Father involvement in particular has the powerful influence to delay sexual debut as well as playing an instrumental role in delaying sexual activity and reducing the rate of dangerous sexual activity (sleeping around with no relational commitment). Teens also indicate that they wish their parents would talk more with them about how to deal with the pressure to be sexually active and how to protect themselves if they become sexually active.

As parents, we have a great opportunity and responsibility to be the ones who both model and teach the sacred value of sex to our teens.

As well, teens who receive the video messages are now subjected to the images as well. Our teens need to hear from us as parents that if they receive a message with an inappropriate photo or video they should delete it immediately and reply back with a message that they do to want to receive messages like that. This will be on record should the person sending the messages get caught and the authorities begin to look for everyone who has received and forwarded the elicit message. And as they have friends hurt by this activity, we need to be there as a support and sounding board, offering trust and respect to our teens that they will make mature decisions. And if they make a mistake, we will be there for them as they face the consequences and support them in making the changes necessary to not repeat the same mistake again.

See the following news report on this subject from Channel 33-KDAF in Dallas, TX:

SEIZE THE MOMENT: Being Ready When They Fail

noreply@blogger.com (Lucy) — Fri, 18 Feb 2011 20:22:00 +0000

[The following article is being used with permission by the author, Dr. Randy Phillips. It references being in the right position to help your son when he fails, but the principals apply to daughters as well and I believe it will be an encouragement to you as you look for handles on navigating your child's successes and failures.]

"It is a mistake to suppose that men succeed through success; they more often succeed through failures. Study, advice, and example could never have taught them so well as failure has done." Samuel Smiles

Some of the greatest teaching opportunities for a young person are either missed or mishandled by the majority of men I know. It is because fathers or mentors either don’t see the moments for what they are – an opportunity for growth disguised as a crisis. Without this understanding, we are unprepared to take advantage of these circumstances. The tragedy of this is that these are some of the most pliable, life changing opportunities in the student’s life. Today’s blog is a little longer, but what you will read will not only help you recognize these moments but know what to do with them.

From 2000 – 2004, the TV series West Wing, won 27 Emmy’s, including “Best TV Drama” for four consecutive years. Politics aside, I found the first few seasons to be some of the best-written and produced TV series I have ever watched. One of my all time favorites was “Noel”.

The episode begins with Deputy Chief of Staff, Josh Lyman, displaying emotionally volatile behavior in a number of different situations. This escalates to the point where he crosses a line that should never be crossed – he has an angry confrontational outburst with the President. Josh’s direct boss, Chief of Staff Leo McGarry, instead of terminating him, suspects there is something deeper going on and arranges for him to see a trauma specialist.

The rest of the show centers on the counselor’s skillful ability to surface what was triggering Josh’s eruptions – he was suffering from a delayed post-traumatic stress disorder because of his having been shot earlier that year. After experiencing an emotional breakthrough and relief, he walks out of the all night counseling session and finds his boss patiently waiting outside. Leo, a recovering alcoholic himself, greets Josh with this story,

"This guy is walking down the street when he falls in a hole. The walls are so steep he can't get out. "A doctor passes by and the guy shouts up, 'Hey you. Can you help me out?' The doctor writes a prescription, throws it down in the hole and moves on. "Then a priest comes along and the guy shouts up, 'Father, I'm down in this hole can you help me out?' The priest writes out a prayer, throws it down in the hole and moves on.

"Then a friend walks by, 'Hey, Joe, it's me can you help me out?' And the friend jumps in the hole. Our guy says, 'Are you stupid? Now we're both down here.' The friend says, 'Yeah, but I've been down here before and I know the way out.”

Leo looks Josh in the eyes and says, “Long as I got a job, you got a job, you understand? http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gr9anjiIW6U&NR=1

I love this scene. Here is Josh, on the verge of ruining his career, only to be saved by the one who should have fired him. Leo, instead of reacting to the obvious circumstance and carrying out his responsibility to protect and serve the President of the United States, risks his reputation so he can help his friend. In place of judgment, he shows compassion. The result? Josh got what he needed most, not just being rescued but being transformed.

In this story lies a profound truth missed by many of us. It is when we fall, that life presents the greatest opportunity for breakthrough.

Dave, a wise youth leader in Denver, once said to me, “When your working with fathers, you could do us all a big favor by taking some time to teach them how to respond to their teen when they are in crisis.” He went on to explain, “Out of the hundreds kids our leadership team works with, it is very, very rare that when one of them is going through personal failure or hurt that they choose to go to their Dad for help. If you asked them why, they would probably tell you that they don’t want to be lectured or judged.”

Almost anyone who works with students would echo Dave’s concern, “In the lives of students, it is the ones who could help the most – who know the least.”

Is it sad? Yes. Is it wrong for them not to go to their fathers? Maybe. But think about it. When you fall in a pit, especially the ones you could have avoided, the last thing you want is to relive your shame by being told what you already are more than painfully aware. Some of you are thinking, “Are you asking us to neglect disciplining them when the deserve it?” No, I’m not. But I am saying that there are situations that a discerning father or mentor knows when immediate forgiveness and compassion can have a life altering influence.

In Luke 15: 11 – 32, it’s profound how Jesus chooses to give the people insight into the heart and character of his Father. He tells, the now familiar story, of how a Jewish family responds to a rebellious son that has violated almost every religious, moral and personal standard imaginable.

We watch a disgraced young man facing the consequences of one bad decision after another and with nowhere else to go, choose to go back home. Having now lost all sense of entitlement and judging himself no longer deserving the privileges of “sonship”, he resolves to live the rest of his life as a hired hand.

As he nears his home and watches his father run toward him, he blurts out acknowledgment of his sin and unworthiness of his place as a son. The father’s response is shocking. Instead of the condemnation he deserves - not even a hint of it - he becomes undone by his father’s choice to treat his humble return like he is a hero.

This was a wise father. At this most vulnerable moment, he wanted his son to remember most all, not the shame of his sin but the glory of repentance and restoration. He experienced how his simple act of confession was met with unmerited but genuine love and pride by his father! “Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins.” I Peter 4: 8. This is why a little later, the father tells the disgruntled older brother, “We had to celebrate and be glad, because this brother of yours was dead and is alive again; he was lost and is found”.

“He is alive again!” One of the great truths to be understood by those who want to father youth, is how much we are setting in motion how they will perceive God as Father. Until they believe compassion is the dominant motive in God’s heart toward them, they will never experience true freedom. Fear of judgment may alter behavior for a while but it will never capture the heart. The whole point of new covenant living is that faithful obedience is rooted in relational trust. Confidence that the Father genuinely has their best interests in mind!

It’s in understanding these foundational truths of God’s heart that inspires the apostles John and Paul to write,

“For the law was given through Moses; grace and truth came through Jesus Christ.” John 1: 17

“For you did not receive a spirit that makes you a slave again to fear, but you received the Spirit of sonship. And by him we cry, "Abba, Father". Romans 8: 15

Men, this is a “game changer” in your fathering. James says, “For we all stumble in many ways”. When, not if, they stray from doing what they know is right, the enemy of their souls wants them to either deny it or wallow in it. Either way, he wins and they lose.

But, when they learn, just like we do, the eternal value of what happens when they “come to their senses”, see the emptiness of their running and choose to go home.

Beyond anything else in their life, we have the power to set in motion how quickly and expectantly they will receive the Father’s mercy and grace when they deserve it the least but need it the most.

Let me close for now and encourage you to do two things,

First, pray and think through how you will be ready, “when they fall”. Don’t miss one of the greatest opportunities to make a lasting impact in your teen’s life.

Second, arrange for a special time to communicate something like this to them,

“I want you to really hear my heart on this. I may not be aware of all the stuff going on around you, but I do know you are probably facing some really tough things. You know that I wish and pray that you will always make the right choices. But I also know there are times you are going to make mistakes and you are going to get hurt. We all do. I want to be there for you during those times. God rescues me from my stuff all the time. He wants me to do the same with you! Please know that if you are ever wrestling with a difficult situation or the fall out of a bad decision and have the courage to come and talk with me, I will do my best not to react in anger or disappointment. I will be there to listen and help you any way I can. Do you understand?”

When we say and more importantly respond to them in this way, we are preparing them to know how Jesus will act in response to every one of their struggles in their journey ahead,

“For we do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathize with our weaknesses, but we have one who has been tempted in every way, just as we are—yet was without sin. Let us then approach the throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need.” Hebrews 4: 15 - 16

Next week we are going to look at the greatest gifts we can give a young person.

2 QUESTIONS

1. Read Luke 15: 11 – 32 with this in mind, the two sons had very different perceptions of their father. If you were to ask them to describe their father, which son would portray him in a way that would make you want to meet him? Why?

2. Think about the last time your young man really blew it. What did he see in you that reflects how you want him to see his heavenly Father? What, if anything, would you do different next time?

How teens fair when their parent's split up

noreply@blogger.com (Lucy) — Mon, 08 Nov 2010 22:10:00 +0000

In a national survey of 10,847 women, 20 percent of women surveyed responded “yes” to a question asking if they had ever been forced to have sexual intercourse. For women who grew up in intact two-parent families, 17 percent reported being forced to have sexual intercourse, compared to 27 percent of those from single-parent or step-parent homes.
Source: Abma, J. A. Chandra, W. Mosher, L. Peterson, and L. Piccinino. “Fertility, Family Planning, and Women’s Health: New Data from the 1995 National Survey on Family Growth.” Table 20. National Center for Health Statistics. Vital Health Stat 23 (19), 1997: 31.

A survey of 720 teenage girls found:
97% of girls said that having parents they could talk to could help reduce teen pregnancy.
93% said having loving parents reduced the risk of teen pregnancy.
76% said that their fathers were very or somewhat influential on their decision to have sex.
Source: Clements, Mark. Parade. February 2, 1997.

Seventy percent of British youth polled who had not had sex came from married, two-parent households compared with only half of the teens who were sexually active.

Data from the National health Interview Survey indicated that both male and female adolescents who come from nonintact families are more likely to have had sexual intercourse.
Source: Santelli, John S. et al. “The Association of Sexual Behaviors With Socioeconomic Status, Family Structure, and Race/Ethnicity Among US Adolescents.” American Journal of Public Health 90 (October 2000): 1582-1588.

Being raised by a single mother raises the risk of teen pregnancy, marrying with less than a high school degree, and forming a marriage where both partners have less than a high school degree.
Source: Teachman, Jay D. “The Childhood Living Arrangements of Children and the Characteristics of Their marriages.” Journal of Family Issues 25 (January 2004): 86-111.

Separation or frequent changes increase a woman’s risk of early menarche, sexual activity and pregnancy. Women who parents separated between birth and six years old experienced twice the risk of early menstruation, more than four times the risk of early sexual intercourse, and two and a half times higher risk of early pregnancy when compared to women in intact families. The longer a woman lived with both parents, the lower her risk of early reproductive development.
Source: Quinlan, Robert J. “Father absence, parental care, and female reproductive development.” Evolution and Human Behavior 24 (November 2003): 376-390.

Although researchers using a pool from both the U.S. and New Zealand did not find a connection between father absence and other behavioral, mental, or academic problems, they did find strong evidence that father absence has an effect on early sexual activity and teenage pregnancy. Teens without fathers were twice as likely to be involved in early sexual activity and seven times more likely to get pregnant as an adolescent.
Source: Ellis, Bruce J., et al. “Does Father Absence Place Daughters at Special Risk for Early Sexual Activity and Teenage Pregnancy?” Child Development 74 (May/June 2003): 801-821.

In an analysis of data collected from 26,023 adolescents ages 13 to 18, the teens living in single-parent household were more likely to engage in premarital sex than those living in two-parent households.
Source: Lammers, Christina, et al. “Influences on Adolescents” Decision to Postpone Onset of Sexual Intercourse: A Survival Analysis of Virginity Among Youths Aged 13 to 18 Years.” Journal of Adolescent Health 26 (2000): 42-48.

In a study of 870 adolescents, boys and girls who lived with both biological parents had the lowest risk of becoming sexually active, and teens living in single-parent and stepfamilies were particularly at risk of becoming sexually active at younger ages.
Source: Upchurch, Dawn M., Carol S. Aneshensel, Clea A. Sucoff, and Lene Levy-Storms. “Neighborhood and Family Contexts of Adolescent Sexual Activity.” Journal of Marriage and the Family, 61 (November 1999): 920-933.

Among women from intact two-parent families, the mean age at first intercourse is 18.2 years. For women from single-parent or stepparent families, the mean age at first intercourse is 16.6 years.
Source: Abma, J., A. Chandra, W. Mosher, L. Peterson, and L. Piccinino. “Fertility, Family Planning, and women’s health: New Data from the 1995 National Survey on Family Growth.” Table 20. National Center for Health Statistics. Vital Health Stat 23 (19), 1997:31.

“A white teenage girl from an advantaged background is five times more likely to become a teen mother if she grows up in a single-mother household than if she grows up in a household with both biological parents.”
Source: Whitehead, Barbara Dafoe. “Facing the Challenges of Fragmented Families.” The Philanthropy Roundtable, 9.1 (1995): 21.

A five-year study on 800 African-American and Hispanic adolescents found that boys and girls who did not live with both biological parents were significantly more likely to engage in sexual intercourse than their peers who lived with both biological parents.
Source: Smith, Carolyn A. “Factors Associated with Early Sexual Activity Among Urban Adolescents.” Social Work, 42.4 (July 1997):334-346.

A study of 200 middle-school and high-school-aged boys from high-crime areas found that of those who were virgins, 59% lived in intact families. In contrast, only 18% of those who had sexual intercourse by the eighth grade were from intact families.
Source: Capaldi, Deborah M., Lynn Crosby, and Mike Stoolmiller. “Predicting the Timing of first Sexual Intercourse for At-Risk Adolescent Males.” Child Development, 67 (1996): 344-359.

Pursuing your daughter when she's pushing you away

noreply@blogger.com (Lucy) — Thu, 14 Oct 2010 20:32:00 +0000

Daughters can be downright vicious. They can throw temper tantrums, slam doors, and refuse to talk. They can side with a mom who is seemingly out for her father's demise. They can grow disinterested in family and focus all their energies of friends. They can forget that it takes sacrifice and commitment to provide for their needs, taking their fathers and mothers completely for granted. It is the experience of many fathers that between the ages of 11 and 14 there is a dramatic shift. His daughter changes rapidly in ways he may not have prepared himself for. He is changing, too, in ways that he may be equally unprepared for. Identity crisis is in the air and just staying out of each others way seems to be the most peaceful resolution at times. But as a dad, you know better. She needs your involvement, and without it, the odds quite frankly are against her.

So what to do? Believe in her. Support her activities and dreams, even the ones that seem impractical to you. Trust her to make good decisions. Comfort her in failure. Turn the other cheek. Demonstrate unconditional love. Pray for her every day. Write her letters, giving her some now, and saving others for later (at her graduation, on her wedding day, the birth of her first child, the start of her new job...Writing letters for the future takes your mind out of today's challenges and drops you right in to the bigger picture.) Send her an affirming text message. Fill up her car with gas. Tell her she's beautiful.

I met a friend when his daughter was a junior in high school. From what he could tell, she hated him on every level. He read books about father-daughter relationships, he sought the help of a counselor, spoke with friends who had experience raising daughters and concluded that all he could do was consistently pursue and wait for her to respond.

Today his daughter is graduating top honors from Law School and credits her dad for always loving her, for being unwavering in his commitment to her, for being faithful, and even calls him the "Very Best Dad." She has a finance that provides the stability, ambition, nurturing and high level of commitment that he always prayed she would find one day.

There is no need for him to go back and defend himself about the past. His actions have spoken louder than any words. And now he enjoys his Daddy's Girl.

Hang in their dad! In doing so, you communicate to your daughter that SHE IS WORTH IT!

A Watchman for today's fathers

noreply@blogger.com (Lucy) — Tue, 21 Sep 2010 05:48:00 +0000

The National Center for Fathering currently has more than 70 volunteers from across the country working to bring fathers and daughters (ages 11 and older) together for a day of building open, affirming communication and enhancing time spent together through the Father-Daughter Summit.

These volunteers are from a diverse range of backgrounds, professional fields, and family dynamics. The one thing they all have in common is that they serve as a Watchman for their community. They have surveyed the current culture, and have concluded that a warning must go out. Fathers must understand how significant they are in their daughter's world. They must be given the tools to keep communication open and to understand their daughter's world. Daughters must be challenged to avoid the temptation to shut their father out and to share her heart with him. Fathers must understand that their daughters feel defeated and rejected as an individual when they do not support their dreams. And that their daughters are filled with hope when their fathers believe in them.

Many dads don't realize how important they really are, nor how their daughters truly want them in their lives until they hear it straight from the source - their daughters.

This is why we are here. This is why we put on the Father-Daughter Summits. Our team of volunteers sacrifices many hours of time, and rallies many people for the task. We are Watchmen, it is what we do, and it's the right thing.

Ezekiel 33 tells of the Watchman who blows the trumpet in warning. Those who ignore the warning... well that is their own responsibility. But if the Watchman sees danger, and does not send out the warning, then responsibility for any harm to the citizens falls on the Watchman.

As I work with our volunteers from across the country and hear their stories of why they are involved in the work of bringing teen/young adult daughters and fathers together, I come to know their deep commitment to their community, to each individual family, and to doing all they can to make sure every father hears the warning. I am thankful once again for the Watchman.

For information about the Father-Daughter Summit, go to fathers.com/summit.

Advice or Interference?

noreply@blogger.com (Lucy) — Wed, 21 Jul 2010 21:42:00 +0000

by Dr. Linda Nielsen
Author of Between Fathers & Daughters: Your Adult Relationship

The most common complaint I hear from adult daughters and their fathers has to do with advice giving. Daughters say: “My dad is always trying to tell me how to run my life – always criticizing me.” “I just want him to listen, not to tell me what to do.” And dads say: “Whenever I try to help my daughter, she snaps my head off and accuses me of trying to run her life.” “When I try to give her advice, she either clams up or explodes.”

Sound familiar? Who’s to blame? Okay, dads and daughters, listen up – because you both need to make some changes.

First, daughters need to realize that females are usually taught to focus on the other person’s feelings before offering advice. So before giving advice, a woman is likely to talk about feelings: “You must be feeling so hurt about that. I’d feel awful too if that happened to me.” But most men have been taught to “fix it” – whether it’s your broken heart or your broken car. Yes, the dad does understand how his daughter feels. But he wants to put an end to her misery instead of dwelling on the misery itself.

Women are also taught to word their advice less bluntly and less directly than men. So a dad might say: “Your boyfriend sure bosses you around a lot.” But a mom might say: “Have you ever wondered if maybe you ought to speak up a little more for yourself with your boyfriend?” Both parents are saying the same thing. But daughters tend to get more upset with dad’s bluntness than with mom’s “tip toe around it” approach.

A daughter may also be assuming that when dad is giving advice he is judging her. Often, though, the judgment is coming from the daughter, not from her dad. She’s the one telling herself “I’m an idiot. I’m stupid.” So, dad, remember that your daughter – no matter how old she is – may still be trying to prove herself to you. When you’re giving her advice, she’s thinking: How am I going to prove to dad that I’m a mature, competent woman? Daughters, if you feel your dad is judging you, tell him. You might say: “I’m getting the feeling that you think I’m immature and stupid. Am I right?” When you do this, you may be surprised to hear your dad say: “Of course I don’t think you’re stupid. It’s just that I learned the hard way about this sort of thing and I don’t want to see you get hurt the way I did.”

When a daughter is telling her father about an upsetting situation, odds are she wants his sympathy, not his advice. Unfortunately, dad may not realize this. Daughters, before you tell your father what you’re upset about, tell him whether you want his sympathy or his advice. Do you want your dad to just listen and comfort you? Or do you want his help – ideas on how to improve or fix things? Maybe you want the “combo” - first sympathy, then advice: “Dad, I’m too upset to talk about ways to fix things. I just need your shoulder to cry. When I’m ready, I’ll be back for advice.” Dads, before you give advice, ask your daughter: Do you want my honest feedback or do you just want sympathy?

As a daughter ages, there are more situations where she is in a position to offer advice to her father. The same rule applies: Ask your father if he wants advice or sympathy, or the “combo”.

How Emotionally Intelligent Are You?

How do you generally communicate with each other? Rate yourselves.
0 = never 1 = rarely 2 = usually 3 = almost always

Daughter Dad
_____ _____ Expresses feelings openly and comfortably.
_____ _____ Recognizes what the other person is feeling.
_____ _____ Expresses anger in an appropriate way.
_____ _____ Shows sympathy and concern for the other.
_____ _____ Handles conflicts or disagreements by talking about them.
_____ _____ Feels comfortable when the other person expresses feelings.
_____ _____ Lets the other person finish what they're saying without interrupting.
_____ _____ States opinions without insulting the other person.
_____ _____ Pays attention while the other is talking.
_____ _____ Interprets nonverbal messages accurately.
_____ _____ Maintains eye contact and looks relaxed .
_____ _____ Accepts negative feedback without getting defensive.
_____ _____ Expresses emotions without becoming overwhelmed by them.
_____ _____ Draws people into conversations and makes them feel comfortable.
_____ _____ Your scores (45 possible)

Fathers influencing their daughter's body image

noreply@blogger.com (Lucy) — Mon, 14 Jun 2010 22:52:00 +0000

I received a request for response to the following questions from Abby Ellin, a journalist writing for Fitsmi.com. Thought this dialogue would be of interest to you as well.

A: Why are fathers so important to daughters?
L: Gender identity is determined by the father, and just as inelible is the value identity that he provides. A father provides a unique mirror to reflect the value of his daughter to her, not only by how he relates to her, but through how he relates for her mother and the other women in his life. The profound influence of a father (for better or for worse) affects her decision making skills, her level of self confidence, how she navigates relationships with other men, and on a deep level how she relates to herself (where her personal body image falls in the mix).

A: What can dads do to help girls overcome their weight/body issues?
L: Model healthy diet and exercise without pressuring her. Many girls tell us that their fathers make comments about their exercise, about eating enough, or eating too much. The unfortunate result is daughters interpret the comments to mean that their father's approval depends on their weight and their exercise. That she has to earn his love by how she looks on the outside. Many of these daughters have voiced deep disappointment and even hatred towards their fathers for what they feel is judging them by how they look, rather than who they are.

What daughters desire most in their relationship with their father is time spent one on one, and open/honest communication. Daughters want to be able to share their challenges with their fathers but fear his disappointment. Fathers can build openness in their relationship with their daughter by spending time together, finding out her goals and helping her achieve them, sharing with her lessons you have learned from mistakes you have made, and talking with her about the challenges a girl her age would be facing.

Plan family activities that involve physical activity. Grocery shop together and teach her to make healthy food choices in an encouraging way. Offer healthy foods at home. When you eat out, avoid the greasy fast food restaurants and head for the fresh food options.

The main thing you can do, dad, is to encourage her interests, help form who she is on the inside.

A: What should a dad say if his daughter says "Am I fat?"
L: Ask her to share why she is asking the question and if there is anything he can do to support the goals she has. Find out if someone called her fat, or if she feels fat, and why. There is a great Dove commercial on YouTube that reveals all that artists do to make up models, including photography tricks that change shape and size of her body. Share with your daughter that as she grows into the beautiful woman she is to be, her body will go through many changes...and you love her through all of them. Point out the features on her that catch your eye and be sure to tell her she is beautiful...even when she is not asking.

A: OR--what should he do if she is overweight and wants his help losing weight?
L: When your daughter asks you to help her lose weight, ask her to tell you how you can help, and offer ideas if you have some. Perhaps there is a half marathon the two of you could train for together. Or perhaps you could review the family diet and look for any changes that would be good for the whole family to make together. Use this request for help losing weight as an opportunity to give her something of even greater value, your time and support.

Giving your daughter a formal blessing - this works with sons, too!

noreply@blogger.com (Lucy) — Fri, 14 May 2010 14:53:00 +0000

For many of us, graduation is coming up swiftly. Emotions get stirred and trying to figure out how to verbalize them can get swept under the rug with the dust that the vacuum didn't pick up as you were frantically getting the house ready for guests.

The formal blessing, spoken in the presence of family and friends is IMPORTANT because it tells your daughter that you cared enough to process your thoughts and feelings, it speaks belonging over her, and it speaks love that is based on who she is, not what she has accomplished.

To help you process your feelings and turn them into a formal blessing/a meaningful speech that you can give at your daughter's open house or other graduation celebration, I recommend following the pattern demonstrated by The Heavenly Father to publically bless Jesus on his "graduation" (his public baptism).

You Are Mine
Whom I Love
With You I Am Well Pleased

1) You Are Mine: Speak of a physical and character trait that resembles the family.
Example: Laura, you have the brown eyes of your mother, and the strong will of your grandfather. As you grow more beautiful each day, you are no push-over and you are willing to do what it takes to get what you want.

2) Whom I Love: Speak of how you felt about her the day you met and how that feeling continues to grow.
Example: I'll never forget the day you were born. I was so excited to see you and hold you in my arms. I didn't think I could love you more. But I was wrong. Watching you grow into the woman you are today, that love has grown.

3) With You I Am Well Pleased: Share with her that you are proud of who she is and will always be there for her. Focus on your commitment to her as your daughter and how nothing could change your love for her.
Example: Laura, one more thing I want to share with family and friends here together, I am so proud of you. I know you are not perfect and I certainly am not perfect, but no matter what, I am here for you. I am proud of you not only for all the great things you have accomplished, but because of who you are. You are my daughter, and I will always love you.

Write up your blessing by hand, wrap it as a gift, have her open it, and then read it aloud to her. The gift of your blessing is PRICELESS and she will TREASURE it forever as she does her special relationship with you.

Share your blessing ceremony with other fathers on our Father-Daughter Summit Facebook Page.

My best to you and your family!

Proven Ways to Communicate with Your Daughter

noreply@blogger.com (Lucy) — Fri, 07 May 2010 14:24:00 +0000

Adapted from an article written by the dads at fathers.com

“I have no idea what's going on inside her head!" "My daughter and I don't have much in common. What do I say to her?" "Why even try? My daughter won't listen to me anyway." Communicating with your daughter can be one of your greatest challenges as a father. But just imagine your daughter looking forward to sharing her life with you; imagine her wanting to hear your opinion on a particular issue and sharing her opinion as well; imagine her feeling comfortable discussing anything with you. That's the potential of positive communication!

Listening is In--Lecturing is Out
The media trademark of the sensitive dad has been the wise and caring lecture, from Hugh Beaumont to Robert Young, clear up to Bill Cosby taking one of the kids into the kitchen for some apple juice and some hard truth. We've let the lecture become our stock and trade. It's what we aspire to: that one eloquent and learned speech which teaches our kids the secrets of life.

There is certainly room for a well-timed lecture, but also realize that quite often our daughters don't need our answers, and they don't need us mentally rehearsing our answers while they are speaking. They need the comfort of knowing we're there for them--and that isn't a result of wise lectures.

Seek first to understand--whether you're settling a dispute, offering comfort and counsel or just talking at the dinner table. Attentive listening leads to understanding--a priceless commodity between a father and daughter. It informs you in your fathering tasks and, perhaps more importantly, expresses your unconditional love.

Your daughter comes to you feeling uneasy about entering middle school in the fall. What do you do? You could simply tell her that middle school is nothing to worry about and millions of people have passed through relatively unharmed--but that wouldn't meet her immediate need. She needs to know that her father loves her and believes in her, no matter what happens during the next school year. We show our love and concern by listening.

Learn to Disagree Without Starting WWIII
We hear a lot of talk about diversity these days--we should learn to appreciate people who are different than we are. But you probably never thought about diversity in your own household. It is inevitable that your daughter will make choices with which you won't always agree, from how she spends her money, to the friends she chooses, to the career she may choose, even to her basic philosophies of life.

You can disagree and still maintain an atmosphere of acceptance by learning to appreciate your daughter's unique gifts and perspectives. Expect her opinions to change from time to time, but be unchanging in giving respect to what she has to say. Avoid making heavy-handed dictates that leave no room for discussion; demonstrate that you do understand, and then state your case by saying, "The way I see it ..." or "From my experience ...."

You are the head of the household, but your daughter will be much more cooperative if she knows Dad is willing to yield on some points. A good rule of thumb for disagreements may be to ask yourself, "Will this still be important to us three years from now?" If not, why cause any damage over it now?

Actions Really Do Speak Louder Than Words
We think of communication as verbal, and that is the kind most dads need to work on. But a father's actions go hand in hand with what he says.

One daughter gets punished by her father for sneaking out to an R-rated movie, but then one day discovers her dad has been viewing adult sites on the computer. Few things cause more confusion in children than fathers who spout moral absolutes and then live out a double standard.

Or there's the girl who hears her dad talk about obeying the laws of the land, and when he is driving on vacation she notices that the speedometer hovers right around 65. This father is teaching his daughter that there are clearly defined boundaries--some things are good and right, and some are not.

No matter what you tell your daughter, the life you live communicates what you're really made of.

Be Open, Honest and Positive
As we communicate who we are and what we believe to our growing daughter, method is everything. We need to be open, honest and positive.

Open honesty tells you what to communicate. It means having those "hard talks" when you know you need to, whether you're dealing with sexual issues, confronting your daughter about something she has done, or humbly asking for forgiveness when you have wronged her. Open honesty is carrying through on the responsibilities you have to those you love.

A positive approach determines how you communicate. When your daughter succeeds at something or shows kindness to someone else, encouragement is the natural response. But being positive gets harder when she makes a mistake or is insensitive to others.

Too many fathers react by insulting or shaming their children, but we need to affirm them in everything, even when correction is our ultimate goal. There is always a positive way to talk to your daughter. There may not be a big difference in the point being made, but to the child, a positive response makes all the difference in the world.

Effective communication demands large amounts of undivided attention, as well as creativity, perseverance and sometimes even courage. But the ultimate question is not will we communicate, but rather will we use communication to build her up or tear her down? Will our actions turn our daughters against us, or will they validate and reinforce what we say? That's the true challenge of communication.

9 Tips for Better Communication

- When you discipline your daughter, be sure to explain why her behavior is wrong or harmful.

- Get on your daughter's eye level—sit down to talk and look her in the eye the same way you would get on one knee to talk to a small child.

- Write your daughter an encouraging sticky note and leave it on her mirror.

- Vocalize your commitment to your daughter; tell her often that you are dedicated to her and believe in her.

- Discuss an area in which you and your daughter disagree--and listen!

- Write a letter to your daughter at college or her home, even if you have no more news than what your wife has already shared.

- Play a game where you declare one hour of uninterrupted face to face communication. Turn off the computer, the TV and put your cell phones in another room. Play a board game, discuss the family calendar, make plans for vacation, or simply discuss daily life.

- Pull out the newspaper and read current events with your daughter. Ask her what she thinks.

- Learn what you can tease your daughter about and what subjects she is more sensitive to. Ask her mom, or another adult woman who knows your daughter well if you are unsure.

Helping your daughter develop discernment about boys

noreply@blogger.com (Lucy) — Mon, 03 May 2010 16:32:00 +0000

At the Father-Daughter Summits, daughters share with us that the greatest obstacle to the relationship they desire with their father is communication. We ask daughters to share with us the topics that they would most like to discuss with their dads. Those topics include: Boys; Challenges at school; Conflict and fighting within the home; their Future dreams and decisions they need to make regarding them.

Daughters also tell us that they would like to share words of appreciation with their fathers including "I love you", "Thank you", and "You are my hero".

In the afternoon daughter's only session, we share an abbreviated version of A Grid for Growth and Healing, which is a tool to build a daughter's discernment regarding relationships with young men. I am sharing the full version here for you as a springboard for your conversation with your daughter about boys.

The grid begins with an inventory list for establishing personal boundaries, which should be determined by your daughter with your guidance and shared with both parents and her peers. Next, she sets guidelines that will help her determine the potential of a relationship. In the final section, she reflects upon an individual boy's pattern of behavior towards other women as well as herself, and considers if his goals are something she supports.

This conversation piece is not intended to be an "I told you so", but a vote of confidence that she can discern for herself the difference between a boy who will bring her unnecessary trauma and one with whom she can build a healthy relationship. A Grid for Growth and Healing also helps a daughter to begin to see the difference between being interested in a young man (for who he is and what she can offer in support of his growth) and the sometimes desperate felt need to have a boyfriend. As a daughter of dignity, she needs to know the difference between enjoying being liked and truly being interested in building a healthy relationship with a young man.

For more great information on raising your daughter, the Daughters section of our website will give you ongoing insight into how you can continue to comfort, guide, encourage and protect your daughter.

For daughters and dads,

Lucy

noreply@blogger.com (Lucy) — Wed, 31 Mar 2010 13:17:00 +0000

In her book, No Longer Daddy's Little Girl, Aarica J. Blackett bravely shares the day her fairytale ended as her father walked out of her life, the challenges she faced growing up without his love and guidance, and how she overcame the obstacles in her book.

The book is written as a conversation with girls growing up without their fathers. Aarica's response to being treated like a statistic is to assume personal responsibility for her future, "The only person stopping us form achieving what we want to achieve is ourselves. We have to learn how to get out of our own way, stop hindering ourselves from the opportunities that are waiting for us."

Aarica takes the reader through how she came to realize that no one could replace her father, but she could have healthy relationships with other men and could surround herself with successful women to help guide her. She also recognizes the vulnerability of a fatherless daughter and provides guidance on what to watch out for in relationships with young men. With millions of girls trying to navigate similar situations, I think this book has come on the scene at just the right time!

What to Know About Teens and Cutting or Self-Mutilation

noreply@blogger.com (Lucy) — Tue, 30 Mar 2010 04:41:00 +0000

Teen cutting, burning, and other forms of self-mutilation are behaviors that inflict fear and a strong feeling of helplessness in many parents. While fear and helplessness are not feelings that make fathering easy, what can be even more paralyzing is the feeling of failure as a father. While theses feelings can cause many fathers to respond with anger or withdrawal, your response must be to become informed and involved!

Cutting should be interpreted as a cry for help and receive direct attention. Since a great deal of what your teen is trying to process may be too difficult for her to talk about, it is helpful to involve a professional counselor in surfacing the issues and helping your teen open up to you. Avoid blaming yourself, your spouse, the crowd your teen runs with, or even your teen. Blaming or judging will work against your efforts. Focus your energy on supporting your teen with the help she needs, letting her know you love her and are sorry she is hurting.

Vanessa Van Petten from Radical Parenting offers the following 5 points to help parents understand teen cutting.

1) The Pain Brings Relief
There are many reasons that people self-mutilate, one is that self-mutilators often express the feeling of relief once they hurt themselves and they feel pain. They have so much emotional pain that somehow the physical pain feels good, like a pressure gauge opening or numbing cream to the internal pain.

2) Someone Might See
Another reason that therapists point to for self mutilation is a cry for attention. Some cutters put their marks or scars in a location on their body that might be seen by someone, and this is their way of asking for help with their internal crisis.

3) Cry for Attention
There is a cry for help and a cry for attention. One of the many issues that teens brought up while talking about this issue is that they feel friends of girls surface cut themselves “just to get attention” and it is not really dangerous. This may or may not be true but it is ESSENTIAL to point out, whether or not they are doing it as a cry for help or for attention something is wrong. If they need attention that badly then they do need help whether the cutting brings physical relief or not.

4) Not always a suicide attempt, but accidents happen
Many teens report knowing many friends who cut themselves occasionally, but do not seem too worried about it because ‘they are not doing it seriously.’ Self-mutilation is a serious issue and mistakes, cuts too deep, infection and not to mention the psychological damage it can do means it is serious.

5) Control
Often times, therapists point out that cutting can be used as a way to express emotions and keep control over what they feel like are uncontrollable emotions or life surroundings.

Be fair to yourself and to your teen, don't expect over-night change. Even as you make progress in opening discussion and dealing with difficult/complicated issues and feelings, the cutting may continue. Make an effort to notice every time she impliments a healthy way to deal with stress and affirm her in her growth. You can't decide if and when the cutting with stop, only your daughter can do that. However, only you can decide that you will address the behavior openly, provide the necessary medical and psychological support that she needs to learn other ways to express the strong emotions that are leading to the cutting, and do your best to offer your teen unconditional love and a 24/7 ear.

Online resources:
S.A.F.E. Alternatives offers webinars and other online resources to help teens and parents walk through the challenges of teen cutting.
Discovery Health offers very helpful articles for both parents and teens

Five Needs of Daughters

noreply@blogger.com (Lucy) — Fri, 05 Mar 2010 05:06:00 +0000

Colleague Rich Batten, from the Colorado Department of Human Services, discussing the five needs of daughters with Denver's Channel 9 News.

I especially appreciate how Rich comments on the importance of small things often. It is amazing how far a little effort will carry your relationship. Make a list of small things you can do for your daughter. Following are some examples to get you started.

Write a message on a post-it and stick it on her mirror such as "Have a great day", "Thinking of you today", "I love you"
Tell her about the day she was born (even if it's for the 100th time)
Teach her a skill you have acquired, it can be anything, golfing, finance tips, mechanics or how to deal with a mechanic
Open doors for her mother and for her
Have dinner together
Ask her about her dreams

The wonderful thing about the father-daughter relationship is that it can always be growing, and it's never too late to start!

Discerning Daughters Have a Dating Safety Plan

noreply@blogger.com (Lucy) — Mon, 01 Mar 2010 03:45:00 +0000

The latest statistics from the Bureau of Justice show that one in 3 teenagers has experienced violence in a dating relationship. One in five college girls experience dating violence.

Dating violence crosses all racial, economic, and social lines. The best way to avoid dating violence is to have a dating safety plan. The following information will help you get started.

In developing your dating safety plan, don't underestimate the importance and influence of regular time spent one-on-one as father and daughter. Dads, interviewing your daughter's date and inviting your daughter's boyfriend over for family dinners goes a long way in communicating both your protection and support of your daughter.

A dating safety plan should include the following:
- Communication
- Boundaries
- Accountability
- Plan for the unexpected
- Commitment to walk away from an unhealthy relationship

Top ten dating safety tips:
1. Communicate your boundaries and vision for dating prior to accepting a date.
2. Know enough about a guy to know if you support his values before you accept a date.
3. Have your date come inside and meet your parents, or a friend if you are an adult, at the start of the date.
4. Double-date, especially the first several dates with a new person.
5. Before leaving on a date, know the exact plans for the evening and make sure a parent, or friend if an adult, knows these plans and what time to expect you home.
6. Let your date know that you are expected to call or tell that person when you get in.
7. Be aware of your decreased ability to react under the influence of alcohol or drugs. Any underage use of alcohol or drugs should be a red flag for you to immediately call for a ride home.
8. If you suspect that you have been given a drug (one slipped into your drink or food), get to a phone and dial 911 for immediate help.
9. If you need to leave a party with someone other than the person you came with, do not accept a ride with someone you do not know well. Call a friend or a taxi. Plan ahead and have money available for the taxi. Most take credit cards.
10. Trust your instincts. If a situation makes you uncomfortable, try to be calm and think of a way to remove yourself from the situation.

Warning signs that dating violence is taking place include:
- Calling or texting demanding to know whereabouts at all times
- Extreme jealousy - isolating you from friends and family
- Controlling behavior - controlling what you wear, how you do your hair, who you talk to, how you act...
- Quick involvement
- Unpredictable mood swings
- Alcohol and drug use
- Blames others for his problems or feelings
- Cruel to animals or children

Often, boundaries are crossed and abusers take control before they are even recognized. By the time a victim recognizes the abuse, she is often too scared to reach out for help.

If you think your daughter is involved in an abusive relationship, share your concern with her and assure her of your support. Give her the opportunity to talk to you at any time. Offer her specific assistance such as providing a ride to school/work, helping her change her routine, getting her medical and counseling support. Contact your police or sheriff's department, or call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 800-799-SAFE.

The following websites were helpful in my research for this article:
Alabama Coalition Against Domestic Violence
Love is Respect

Recommended Reading
Interviewing Your Daughter's Date - Rainey
The Ten Commandments of Dating - Young & Adams
But I Love Him: Protecting Your Teen Daughter from Controlling, Abusive Dating Relationships - Murray
Love Must Be Tough/Straight Talk - Dobson
Love & Respect - Eggerichs

Growing fathers and daughters think smart about online safety

noreply@blogger.com (Lucy) — Sat, 13 Feb 2010 17:32:00 +0000

Online safety is something fathers and daughters must agree together to take seriously. After the online safety class I took sponsored by the FBI, I'm convinced it is impossible to take online safety too seriously! It is so easy to think, "It could never happen to us, not my daughter, not to me." But the truth is, predators have become savvy to all the social networks, and are counting on you to have your head in the sand regarding their existence.

Social networks offer privacy settings such as "friends only", yet Cox Communications reports it remains routine for young people to receive personal messages online from someone they don’t know (69%). And nearly one out of five teens (19%) report they’ve been harassed or bullied online.

A real concern, and one that you should take the time to learn about and discuss, is that predators are using the internet to initiate relationships, build trust, and ultimately manipulate behavior.

I learned from the FBI that predators make friends easy because they study the profiles of their victims, learning what music they like, books they read, and posts about events they have been a part of, places they've been. Then they strike up conversation online as if they were there with you. So you don't really remember them or know who they are, but they sound like someone who knows you, so you accept their friend request and start talking with them.

They gain the trust of their victim because they convince them, "I understand you. I'm interested in you. I get you." Then they look for times when their victim expresses feelings of loneliness and vulnerability, and they offer their comfort and support, eventually asking them to meet face to face.

Listen to this dads and daughters; they look for girls who have a non-existent or at least detached relationship with their father.

According to the FBI, the typical victim is a girl, 14 - 17 years of age. But not to discount the college and young adult girls who are being targeted.

The FBI reports that 34% of youth have posted personal information such as their name, phone number, address and school name in public online locations.

Some of the things both of you can do to remain cyber-safe involve learning about the privacy control settings on your sites, and setting them to the highest level of privacy. In Facebook, this is "friends only". Make a commitment to set all of your settings to the highest level of privacy the next time you log on!

Once your settings are set, go through your "friend" list and remove the people that you don't really know. When I did this, I was surprised to find that there were people on there who had connected with me through yahoo that I did not know! I had not accepted their friend request, but did not know to remove it. So now they are removed.

Be aware that just because someone tells you they are in your 3rd hour math class at school, doesn't mean they are. If you do not really know a person who is offering a friend request, ignore it. Don't feel bad, if you get to class the next day and realize this is your study partner whom you really want to talk to online, you can go back and send them a friend request.

Some things daughters and dads need to discuss and agree together on:
1) What is your definition of a friend?
2) What can and can not be posted on a social network site?
3) What will your response be to any threatening or inappropriate postings on your sites? When will a report be sent to the social networking site? When will parents be contacted? The school? The police?
4) How will the web cam be used?
5) What will the boundaries be for computer use?

Do not post specifics of where you are. It’s best not to post your whereabouts at all. “Stuck at home by myself,” “Going to the mall,” “Heading to cheer on the Husky’s” are all clues for a predator to come find you. Do not sign up for 4-Square and other sites that track where you are.

Dad, something you can do is to post a message on your daughter's site at least once a week. Your post will be visible and your presence and protection will show! And daughter, don't remove your dad's post until he posts a new one! You need to keep him on there! Your older brother, uncle, and grandpa are great, too!

Daughter, make a commitment that you will show your dad any messages that feel threatening, any that are suggestive, any requests that are inappropriate, and give your dad access to your site. Do not respond to the message. Report it!

Dad’s to do list when your daughter shows you an inappropriate message or post:
- Communicate
- Believe your daughter
- Stay calm
- Report

If a stranger starts writing to you and asking you to meet, report these things to your local police station and to www.cybertipline.com. A 15-year old daughter stopped a repeat child molester simply by turning her phone over to her parents who turned it over to the police.

And daughter, it is a smart idea to give your dad the passwords to all your social networking sites. In the case that you are ever in danger, it will be helpful to the police to be able to go in and view your sites looking for any clues.

Having a personal website and keeping up with friends and family through social networking sites is fun and important to a lot of teens, as well as adults! Let's keep it that way by being smart and having a plan for thinking safety first.

To learn more, visit these sites:
www.connectsafely.org
www.netsmartz.org
www.safely.yahoo.com

Crystal's Essay

noreply@blogger.com (Lucy) — Sat, 23 Jan 2010 23:52:00 +0000

Crystal's Essay reveals the depth of the void daughters experience when their father is not there and her desire to still love him.

White House Holiday Tour

noreply@blogger.com (Lucy) — Wed, 16 Dec 2009 02:36:00 +0000

Had the privilege of hosting a White House tour. It is an honor I share with all who have believed in the father's privilege to validate the opinion and potential of his daughter. All throughout the memorials of DC, brought before us was the spirit of the American daughter in war and in peace. From Sacajawea to Eleanor Roosevelt, Helen Keller, the women who ran the factories, built aircrafts and weapons for WWII, fathers who believed their daughters had the right to be citizens and the right to vote, it goes on and on. I am proud to be My Father's Daughter.

Louisa Adams and understanding the correlation between the repression of African-America slaves and American women

noreply@blogger.com (Lucy) — Wed, 16 Dec 2009 02:02:00 +0000

The longer I work with fathers and daughters, the more convinced I am that the emancipation of women is of equal benefit to both genders and all of society. Imagine my delight when I learned the following of First Lady Louisa Adams, whose husband, John Quincy Adams was the 6th President of the United States of America.

"It was through her husband's intense struggle against slavery as one of the nation's most overtly abolitionist figures that Louisa Adams had a sense of redemption for her own existence as a woman who had promise to make great contributions yet who lived in a world where that was not encouraged of her gender. She made a direct correlation between the repression of African-American slaves and American women and in that context assumed the role of Congressman Adams' most passionate aide. During the fight for the "right of petition" in 1842, Louisa Adams began reading, filing and cataloguing the many anti-slavery petitions with which he was flooded. A large number of them came from women's organizations. At the same time she had begun a closer study of the Bible and came to the conclusion that it did not seek to justify the subordination of women at all. Soon enough she began one of her intense correspondences, this time with the famed abolitionist and women's rights advocates, the sisters Angelina and Sarah Grimke, the latter having authored Letters on the Equality of the Sexes and on the Condition of Women which Louisa Adams had read and believed to be important."

I found this quote at www.firstladies.com

Today the White House Council on Women and Girls is working hard to make equal pay for equal responsibility, equal health care, and other gener imbalances a thing of history for America. Read more about the White House Council on Women and Girls at www.whitehouse.gov/blog/The-Council-on-Women-and-Girls-new-site

noreply@blogger.com (Lucy) — Fri, 04 Dec 2009 20:58:00 +0000

Fathers and daughters, copy and paste the following link to watch the Today Show's interview with Hope Witsell's mom. Hope committed suicide after enduring severe bullying.

http://today.msnbc.msn.com/id/26184891/vp/34236012#34236012

1. How do you feel about Hope's story?
2. How is bullying handled at your school, by both teachers/administrators and students?
3. In what ways could it be handled better?
4. Schedule a time to sit down with the school counselor and share your ideas for addressing bullying in your school.

In the interview, Hope's mom mentions that she was not immediately notified by Hope's school counselor regarding her cutting. Are you aware of your school's policy on parent notification? If not, it is time to place a call.

Recently, I met with the principal of my local high school to address a case of bullying which was coming from a teacher. Specifically, we reviewed the school policy for notifying parents and the policy was changed. It was important that not only is the teacher properly reprimanded, but the the rights of the students and parents respected. This video of Hope's story provides a good opportunity. Forward the video to your school counselor and principal and request a quick meeting to learn about your schools policies for parent notification.

For more information on sexting, see the previous blog entry "Teens, Technology & Sexting."

Brad Paisley has a great message for daughters from their dads

noreply@blogger.com (Lucy) — Fri, 23 Oct 2009 03:07:00 +0000

To the world
You may be just another girl
But to me
Baby, you are the world

Sixteen ways a father can show his daughter that she is his world:
1. Help her think through decisions
2. Give her a hug
3. Encourage her with a kind word
4. Work hard to provide for her
5. Point out characteristics in her that you love
6. Help her to understand more about God
7. Warn her of potential danger
8. Be there when she's going through a hard time
9. Help her develop a positive perspective
10. Make sure she has enough money
11. Let her know when she looks great
12. Encourage her to do the right thing
13. Teach her to be safe
14. Seek to understand her
15. Affirm her with a smile
16. Save for her future

Dad Fixes Everything. I Love You Daddy

noreply@blogger.com (Lucy) — Thu, 10 Sep 2009 06:56:00 +0000

A touching video of the difference a Daddy makes to a developing young woman.

noreply@blogger.com (Lucy) — Sat, 05 Sep 2009 21:37:00 +0000

One of the best Father-Daughter Dances I've ever seen. A great reminder that this unique relationship is both deeply meaningful and joyfully fun! Watch together ; )