first against the wall

electronic music not quite as shit as anticipated

noreply@blogger.com (Jarrod) — Sun, 23 Mar 2008 22:26:00 +0000

Went to Sandwiches Summerset 08 on Saturday and actually had quite a good time.

Of course it helped quite a bit that I went courtesy of Texture, for which I was doing a liveblog of the day. Free entry (and free drinks) in exchange for 5 minutes of writing every two hours seemed like a pretty good deal...

And I was pleasantly surprised by the music. Open Souls had a criminally early timeslot (starting up at 12.30pm when the gates were barely open) but were nevertheless in fine form - Minuit were likewise far earlier than they deserved, but at least got a somewhat larger crowd.

Crazy Penis were a particular highlight - they're a U.K. electro-funk act. I assumed based on the name that they'd be a DJ, although if I'd just taken the time to you know, read the posters or something, I would have known different. But they were really exceptional.

Shapeshifter were something else as well - with metal-edged guitar lines through a lot of their set that the ROCK2WGTN crowd would be jealous of. They had the biggest crowd of the day, which I guess meant that a lot of people just came in time to see them. Which would have meant paying $110 for one act, and while they were good... let's just say I was very satisfied with the price I paid for my ticket (see above).

I suspect that quite a few people abused the hospitality of the Media/Artist/VIP room - at around 6pm security started checking people's passes much more aggressively. Coincidentally that was about the time the vodka ran out - and by the time Shapeshifter were on all the VIP seemed to have left were a few cans of Tui. Good effort I suppose...

There were heaps of people in costume for the event, although I understand now that many of them had been hired. Quite a few people came as some sort of animal, which could have led to some interesting phone calls on Sunday morning:

"Dude... I think I just fucked a zebra!"

Not too many people seemed to be completely munted and out of it, although there was one girl who kind of tried to pash me. I would be flattered if I didn't think it was the E talking. As I mentioned on the liveblog, a couple of girls took charge of her, lest she get herself into trouble. I hope her night ended up okay - she seemed happy, just smashed.

I am required by law to share this

noreply@blogger.com (Jarrod) — Sun, 16 Mar 2008 20:26:00 +0000

prioritise your priorities

noreply@blogger.com (Jarrod) — Tue, 11 Mar 2008 04:43:00 +0000

In the midst of the media's (and if the polls are to believed, the nation's) current love affair with John Key, I think it's relevant to point out the following:

1. John Key has claimed that his favourite movie is Johnny English.
2. John Key has claimed that his favourite Kiwi "band" is Brooke Fraser.
3. John Key has demonstrated that he has a great love of architecture.

Clearly, he's a man of impeccable tastes - although to get a complete picture someone needs to ask him who his favourite author is. My money is on John Grisham or JK Rowling.

I Am Legend's major plot twist revealed (spoiler warning)

noreply@blogger.com (Jarrod) — Sun, 06 Jan 2008 11:26:00 +0000

It turns out that Will Smith's dog is a girl. Who knew?

In other news, the movie is a total piece of shit. Read the book instead. It at least has vampires* in it.

*and not camp Anne Rice ones who spend most of their time lounging about and being melancholy, either.

oh, you wanted the UNHEALTHY ones...

noreply@blogger.com (Jarrod) — Sun, 06 Jan 2008 11:19:00 +0000

I don't want the people at Woolworths to ever cook for me.

Or offer me a cigarette, for that matter.

okay maybe now google ads have redeemed themselves

noreply@blogger.com (Jarrod) — Thu, 13 Dec 2007 21:53:00 +0000

This is a vast improvement on children-eating.

Google Ads - totally freaking me out right now

noreply@blogger.com (Jarrod) — Wed, 12 Dec 2007 03:10:00 +0000

Not necessarily what you expect to see when you check your Gmail, I reckon...

But maybe it should be .

and we all thought it was the gangs...

noreply@blogger.com (Jarrod) — Wed, 28 Nov 2007 21:28:00 +0000

It turns out that the major distribution network for P in this country is made up of the children of television stars and fashion designers.

Clearly then we should sterilise all of these people immediately, in order to stop the drug trade in its tracks.

healthy minds, healthy bodies

noreply@blogger.com (Jarrod) — Wed, 14 Nov 2007 23:06:00 +0000

There's a chiropractor on the Terrace who has a sign outside his or her clinic advertising that chiro can assist with asthma, ADHD, bedwetting, snoring, colds, and a bunch of other illnesses and problems.

Of course, this is unsurprising. It's widely known that pretty much all illnesses stem from misalignments of the spine. Indeed, it seems obvious, when you think about it.

My only concern is that there are some diseases and conditions missing from that list whose sufferers could surely benefit from chiropractic treatment. Surely cancer can be helped or cured by a good back rub? And what about herpes? Or AIDS? Or even a stroke?

I must go in there soon to get my irritable bowel syndrome fixed.

punch-drunk love

noreply@blogger.com (Jarrod) — Fri, 26 Oct 2007 01:57:00 +0000

When did Stuff suddenly become awesome?

it's psychic time

noreply@blogger.com (Jarrod) — Thu, 18 Oct 2007 21:33:00 +0000

I'm overjoyed to hear that someone has finally thought to involve psychics in the hunt for missing toddler Amber-Lee Cruickshank, fifteen years after her 1992 diappearance.

The widely respected TV show Sensing Murder took the initiative and brought several psychics together to help in the hunt for Amber-Lee's body/killer/whatever.

Never mind that multiple incarnations and multiple series of Sensing Murder, in Denmark, Australia and New Zealand, have consistently failed to solve even a single murder. Never mind that psychic detectives in general have repeatedly been shown to be less than reliable. This time it'll work for sure - we expect the killer to behind bars shortly.

stuff watch

noreply@blogger.com (Jarrod) — Tue, 16 Oct 2007 01:28:00 +0000

Good to see that Stuff's ad placement people have a sense of humour:

Original Stuff story here.

Time for a new war

noreply@blogger.com (Jarrod) — Sun, 14 Oct 2007 22:30:00 +0000

I'm getting pretty sick of hearing all the "bad news" about Iraq. Seriously - this has been going on for years already, and we've all had more than enough.

Besides, everyone knows that the war in Iraq is over, despite what irresponsible reporting from the MSM would have you think.

No, it's time we had a new war. Something to push this whole Iraqi mess out of everyone's minds, and enable everyone involved to move on with their lives. Of course it's important that this war is carried out somewhat more decisively and efficiently - post-Iraq, we wouldn't want to risk the public losing their taste for war - so it's important that the new war begin soon, while President Bush is still in power. Having learned from the mistakes of his last war, he's now in an ideal position to get it right this time.

Conveniently it turns out that plans already exist for a new war. I just hope they start quickly, before the MSM has time to bring up any more Iraqi "bad news".

performance management

noreply@blogger.com (Jarrod) — Mon, 08 Oct 2007 03:15:00 +0000

With yesterday's shocking quarter-final defeat of the All Blacks still fresh in our minds, perhaps it is time to think about how, as New Zealanders, we should properly motivate our national sports teams.

Clearly the current methods - money and adulation - are no longer appropriate. Indeed, our only winning World Cup team were amateur players, making do with only the latter.

This might lead you to believe that simply taking money out of the equation would fix the problem. However, in the internet age, where one can achieve massive fame for what in better days would simply have been an ill-advised brain fart, mere adulation is unlikely to be a significant motivator either.

No, we now require more effective tools to "encourage" our sportspeople. And what should the number one tool in our arsenal be?

Fear.

We need to simply begin treating our non-performing athletes as we would any other traitor, and publicly execute them. The Ancient Romans had a number of creative methods of doing so, which we could easily resurrect. Crucifixion springs to mind, but simple hanging might do just as well. Or we could borrow from our old adversaries the French, and bring back the guillotine.

Most importantly, if we're to win the next World Cup, we need to begin now, with our most recent losers. Of course we don't want to hobble our future chances by getting rid of all our talent, but many of the current squad are leaving the All Blacks for lucrative overseas contracts, and would be no further use to us anyway. Make it appear random, and I suspect the survivors will have all the motivation they need to win, and keep winning, in the future.

evil left wing plot revealed

noreply@blogger.com (Jarrod) — Tue, 02 Oct 2007 02:11:00 +0000

It appears that Labour's secret black-ops team, headed up by H2 herself, have finally revealed their hand - and their plan is monstrous in its simplicity.

In order to ensure their continued control of the New Zealand Government, Labour's special operatives carefully selected a leading businessman to undergo a comprehensive program of brainwashing. This businessman would then be inserted into the National Party, rising through the ranks, his mission a secret even from himself.

To gain the trust of his party, he would need to amass a meticulously conservative voting record - voting against Prostitution Law Reform and Civil Unions, for example - enabling him to eventually depose the party leader, and take that mantle for his own.

After this point, timing was everything. If the game was revealed too early, then National might have time to refresh its leadership before the next election. Instead, he was to keep up appearances, representing a great white hope for the party - a silver bullet against Labour 's lycanthropic clutch on power.

When the appropriate time came, his initial task was to sabotage National's standing by releasing deeply unpopular policies, a strategy that has already had some success.

However the most cunning strategem of all was yet to come. Labour's brainwashed double agent would work to ensure that even if National won the election, they would still lose - because they would be indistinguishable from their opposition.

Well played, Labour, well played.

i welcome our new robot overlords

noreply@blogger.com (Jarrod) — Sun, 30 Sep 2007 21:58:00 +0000

The New Zealand Police will soon be using face-scanning software to scour CCTV footage for the likenesses of known offenders.

At first, of course, we can expect this exciting new technology to be used only after a known "incident" - but with a few small improvements to the software (and of course some minor changes to our legal system) it could easily be used for real-time enforcement.

The cameras could scan for any illegal activity - from assaults, to thefts, to use of illicit or performance-enhancing substances, to sedition - then identify the perpetrator, who depending on the severity of the offence would either be sent an infringement notice or would be picked up and arrested. And since there would be unassailable digital footage of the crime, we could do without all that pesky business of judges and juries and move straight to the best part, punishment.

To be completely effective, the police's photo database - which currently holds only 800,000 photos - would need to be merged with LTNZ's driver's license database and the DIA's passport photo database, but I'm sure this will not present too much of a problem.

Of course there'll be the predictable whining from privacy nutcases, but these people need to understand that unless you're a criminal, you've got nothing to fear from pervasive Government intrusion into your personal life.

looks like it's time to set up a bebo account

noreply@blogger.com (Jarrod) — Fri, 28 Sep 2007 03:46:00 +0000

Had I known you could use Bebo to procure drugs and/or sex with teenagers, I would have had a profile on there ages ago. What a marvellous website!

And all this time I thought it was merely a place for children to persecute one another, then get persecuted in return by the media.

never lose control of a high performance boat

noreply@blogger.com (Jarrod) — Thu, 27 Sep 2007 22:18:00 +0000

Kiwi sailor Simon Daubney has resigned from America's Cup team Alinghi after testing positive for known performance-enhancing drug, cannabis.

Daubney claims that he has never knowingly taken a banned substance - suggesting that perhaps his drink was spiked or there was a testing error - but I think we all know the real answer.

It's widely known that cannabis (also known as "hash" or "skunk" or "sailor's friend") is used by sailors to artificially enhance their sailing abilities, improving mental acuity, reaction times, alertness and memory. It's just sad that one of our own felt the need to use a performance enhancer in this way.

which heroes star is hotter?

noreply@blogger.com (Jarrod) — Thu, 27 Sep 2007 21:44:00 +0000

Clearly the one playing a 16 year old cheerleader. What a stupid question.

As you can see from the results page above, Stuff readers have (rightly) expressed their disdain for adult women, and I for one salute them.

Future Stuff surveys:

Which animal is sexier - a meerkat or a pelican?
Would you rather a) listen to Radio Pacific for half an hour or b) set fire to yourself?
Which is more inappropriate: a) lusting after a teenage girl or b) responding to dumb and statistically invalid surveys?

Farts: the only things worse than the Nazis

noreply@blogger.com (Jarrod) — Thu, 27 Sep 2007 21:30:00 +0000

Someone farted on the set of the new Tom Cruise movie, and Tom is on the warpath.

The offending fart escaped a crew member's orifice during a moment of silence for the anti-Nazi heroes depicted in the film. Luckily the moment of silence, which was completely sincere and not at all a cynical ploy, was filmed for posterity, so Tom is now scouring the footage to see if the culprit can be identified*, and presumably fired.

I think firing is too good for them. Executing the farter is the only appropriate response. I hope Tom will do the right thing.

*I always thought farts were invisible, but perhaps they were using special cameras.

everything is shit

noreply@blogger.com (Jarrod) — Thu, 20 Sep 2007 05:21:00 +0000

It is just me or is it impossible for someone to become famous and/or successful just by doing something good any more? If it's fame and fortune you're after, you best be just a bit shit .

There is one other option - you could have fortune already, and still be a bit shit.

Sorry, talented people: you should have been born earlier. We are not interested in your abilities. Write a shitty book about a boy wizard or a kid who rides dragons or something, and then maybe we'll take notice.

in-security

noreply@blogger.com (Jarrod) — Thu, 13 Sep 2007 22:32:00 +0000

Ahmed Zaoui is a free man - according to the NZSIS, he is no longer a threat to our national security. I'm a little confused by this, because as far as I am aware he is still both a foreigner and a Muslim, both of which are highly correlated with national security threats. After all, the people that sank the Rainbow Warrior were all foreign - and what's more, they were from a foreign country (France) which has Muslims living in it. Put two and two together, people.

Luckily, as you can see from the poll above, Stuff readers have not been fooled by the SIS's inexplicable turnaround.

don't steal from the differently abled

noreply@blogger.com (Jarrod) — Thu, 13 Sep 2007 02:12:00 +0000

If you've seen Blind Fury, then you'll already be aware of the danger posed by blind people. If you haven't, then let this be an object lesson to you. In short: blind people will fuck your shit up.

Unfortunately if you're looking for someone easy to rob, the pickings are getting slimmer by the day. People in wheelchairs are apparently not the pushovers we've been led to believe. And barely a week goes by without a report of an elderly gentleman pummelling a would-be thief.

It's even hard to steal from children now. Due to fears about bullying and other, less tasteful types of abuse, a grown man can no longer demand that a small boy relinquish his lunch money without causing all sorts of fuss. "What are you doing?" they ask. "Why are you on school grounds?"

I guess it's time to go back to white collar crime. I haven't exploited the monopoly position of my powerful multinational corporation in a while.

boy is my face red

noreply@blogger.com (Jarrod) — Wed, 12 Sep 2007 23:41:00 +0000

I totally missed Jayden James Spears' birthday yesterday. I hope the little tyke wasn't too upset.

polls polls polls

noreply@blogger.com (Jarrod) — Wed, 12 Sep 2007 02:43:00 +0000

I think we've hit poll jackpot - and this time on the front page, rather than the Entertainment section.

More upcoming Stuff polls:

Have you ever exposed yourself on the bus or in another public place?
Have you ever made love to a farm animal?
Have you ever made love to a zoo animal or house pet?
Have you ever lied in an anonymous survey?