How do you react when you hear that question?
Do you stop, look within, and think about who you want to be, and what you want out of life?

Or do you get defensive, expecting another self-proclaimed expert to tell you how to fix your life?

My life’s not perfect.

I’d like to find/strengthen, or develop new abilities, and do things that seem out of reach.
I want to experience new possibilities in myself, so the world remains new and fresh around me.

There are endless books and methods of personal development that tell us what to become, and how to move along a path from where we are to where we want to be.

A few books are focused on giving us a new vision of life.
These books show us that who we are, what we’re capable of, and the way that we and the world live, is only one possibility among many.

Such books inspire us to rethink what is possible for ourselves, and the world.

I received a copy of a book like this recently, called A Life Worth Living, by Bill Giruzzi.

Typical for me, I try to get an overview of the book before I sit down to read it.
I look at the covers, the introduction, and the table of contents:

1. Work is a Cultural Phenomenon
2. It’s All Made Up
3. Building Blocks
4. Paradigm of Business
5. Is this It?
6. Someday the sun will go out
7. The Curtain, Please
8. The New Paradigm
9. Not of this World
10. Meet Your Narrator
11. The future
12. A New Mind, A New World
13. The Edge of Language
14. A Life Worth Living

It’s a small book.
And it doesn’t take long to read it.
But the issues that Bill raises, and the questions he asks us at the end of each chapter will stay with you long after you’ve turned the last page.

 
I Don’t Know How to Create
The world we face is a result of people not wanting enough

One of the topics that Bill focuses on is our belief that we don’t know how to shape our lives.
There’s this subtle conversation in the background of our minds humming along saying something like, “There must be something wrong with me. If there weren’t something wrong with me, I wouldn’t have this life. ”

We create our lives with the choices that we make.
But we’re often unhappy with the results, so we deny our ability to create.
Why do we deny our lives?

Sometimes it’s because we can’t predict the consequences of our choices, and we’re unhappy with the way we feel about the life we’ve chosen.

We can’t understand how we got to this point.
What’s wrong with us?
How do we fix it?

We often pretend that we live and choose, unbound by any of the influences around us.
But Bill explains that we live and choose within a paradigm.

Our time, our culture, our parents, our life experiences, and beliefs tell us what is possible and appropriate.
The paradigm tells us what the choices us, and forces us to choose between only them.

Whose thoughts do I think?
Whose feelings do I feel?
Are they truly mine, or have I just borrowed them from the world around me?

A paradigm is a structure that binds us and limits us as much as the shape and size of a room that we stand in.

 
Changing the Paradigm
We’ve settled for what the past tells us is possible and as a result, we continue to be stuck surviving in the world we’ve created.

Whenever you think that you are tired with life as it is, change from the viewpoint that “this is life” to “this is life within this design”

We pretend that there is only one way that the world can be.
We pretend that our beliefs are as solid as the ground beneath us, and the sun in the sky.
But nothing in our lives is permanent.

Bill encourages us to think about our own death, the death of our loved ones, and the end of the earth and sun.
We realize that we treat so many things as permanent and inevitable, even though they can change tomorrow.

We accept the rules and thoughts that everyone lives by, and we assume that we have to fix our problems within this paradigm.

But many of our problems are simply a consequence of the paradigm we live in.

There’s another way.
We can adopt a new paradigm, a new way of thinking, with different rules, different choices, and different results.

Bill says:
I wrote this book to instill in you a desire for discovery…It’s about regaining what has been lost to us – the experience of powerfully and fully participating in our lives.

But how do we find a new way, when we have so much negativity toward our current life?
Most people are dissatisfied with their jobs, letting their lives slip away in pain, always waiting for another time and place to find meaning and satisfaction.

Our pain gives rise to our negativity.
We deny and resist our life.

Our resistance is directed toward our current life and the paradigm that our life is built on.
But we can’t imagine anything outside of that paradigm, so any thoughts of a new life are faced with the same resistance.

 
Living in Two Worlds
When we want to change, we don’t deny our present life.
We don’t quit our jobs, or ignore the urgent demands of our current world.

But we begin to create another structure.
We build another paradigm which can allow us to live differently, and make different choices.

We want to develop a way of life where it’s natural to experience joy, and find meaning and satisfaction every day.

The great challenge is to be aware of both paradigms, and yet keep them separate.
We have to learn to think and feel in two worlds:

• The world we are in, which derives from the past.
• And the world we want to create, which will derive from our actions, derived from our thoughts.

We’re not talking of a purely intellectual awareness of the new world we want to build, and the new paradigm that structures it.
This new world has to be placed in our hearts, and shine with possibility and meaning.

Robert Fritz, in Creating, and other books, speaks of something similar.
When we want to create, we have to hold at once in our minds, both our current reality, as well as the future to be created.

Each must be clear and distinct.
And we must care deeply about what we’re trying to create.

The contrast between the two worlds gives birth to a powerful energy, a creative tension that drives us to find a way to bring that future to life.

How free are you?

Some people pretend that they are completely free to make their own decisions.
But it’s not true.
Everyone is influenced in an endless number of ways.

Don’t give up, though!
We can focus on maximizing our freedom.

Learn about the common forces that influence you, and you have a chance to neutralize those influences, or use them to your advantage!

One of the ways that we make decisions is through comparison.

Most people don’t know if they want something, unless they compare it to other things.

Let’s say that there are two different items that I’m planning to buy.
One has a retail price of $20, and one has a retail price $200.
A seven dollar discount off the $20 item seems great, and I’ll go out of my way to get to the store that offers that discount.

But a seven dollar discount off a $200 item?
I’m not likely to go out of my way to get that.
It seems like no big deal.

But it’s still the same $7 that I’m saving!

You can be sure that marketers are aware of this, and use it to make an item seem more desirable.

Have you ever bought something, just because of the money you’d save?

One way to resist the influence of a good buy, is to change your point of view.
Instead of looking at the buy in terms of what you’re saving, look at the total spend in the bigger context of your available money, priorities, etc.

Zoom out, to take a wider point of view, the pull of some little advantage gets much weaker.

There’s another problem with our love of comparison.
On our own, we tend to ignore choices that are difficult to compare to what we know.

Marketers, on the other hand, use uniqueness to sell.
They’ll make their choice sound really good, and then emphasize the uniqueness of the product so much, that we can’t compare it to anything else.

Put uniqueness in perspective, by asking yourself if that unique benefit is really so unique, and if it’s valuable to you.

 
Ownership
Studies consistently show that owners value their things more than buyers are willing to pay.

Why?
We fall in love with the things we possess, and even the ideas that we’ve accepted.

How does this effect how we decide and buy?

The feeling of losing something we own, is more important to us than the money we get for selling it.

Similarly, if we’ve already mentally taken possession of some potential object, the thought of losing that ownership far outweighs what it costs to buy it.

Marketers make use of this bias in two ways, so be prepared:

• Companies give us a free or ridiculously cheap trial ownership in a product or service. They want us to feel ownership, and they know that we’ll hate to give it up when the trial is over.
• Companies give us guarantees. Just try it, and return it if you don’t like it. The companies know that once we take possession of something, we’re not likely to give up the ownership.

Protect yourself.
Ignore trials of things that you don’t really want.
And don’t let a guarantee sucker you into trying something out that doesn’t really interest you.

You’re always told that you have nothing to lose by trying out some product.
But you do.
Once you try something, and take possession of it, it’s much harder to return it, even if you don’t really like it that much.

 
I’ll Decide Tomorrow
Most of us feel compelled to put off our decisions, and keep our options open.
We push off making a choice, even it when it costs us money, energy, or time.

When we see options disappearing, even unexciting options, the immediate threat of loss makes those options seem big and important.

The antidote to delay is focusing on the consequences of not deciding.
Every delay is a decision.
Every delay has consequences.

We lose many opportunities because we delay making decisions.

Do you analyze the situation, and weigh all the pros and cons before taking action?
Or do you just go with your gut, without giving it much thought?

Whichever way you decide, you probably feel that you’re in charge of your decisions, and your life.

Sometimes our gut feelings are based on all kinds of subtle issues that our unconscious mind has digested to give us a quick answer.

Sometimes our feelings express what is truly important to us, even though we haven’t put it into words and thoughts.

There’s nothing wrong with going with your feelings.
Conscious thinking isn’t the only way to understand the world.

But our feelings are not always our own.

The world around us shapes our feelings.
We’re led to desire things, or act in ways that don’t make sense rationally, and go against our deepest feelings of what’s really important in our lives.

I’m happy going with my feelings if they’re really mine, if they’re based on what’s really important to me.

Inner Forces
There are people around us that manipulate our feelings for their own financial, political, or personal goals.

But that’s not the only way that our feelings and thoughts get twisted.

Our mind is built in ways that favor certain types of thinking, feeling, and acting.
(You can think of these as inner forces that shape our behavior.)

Often these forces work to our advantage.
But sometimes, they work against us.

Recently, I’ve read two powerful books that reveal some of these inner forces that drive irrational behavior.
Both books are based on solid research, but they’re written for ordinary, intelligent people to read and enjoy.

In this blog post, we’ll explore the first one, Sway, by Ori and Rom Brafman.
We’ll provide an overview of some of the forces at work within you.

I’ve also added some ideas about how you can consciously weaken the power of these forces so you can make a more clear-headed choice.

Pain vs. Gain
We feel the pain associated with a loss (or an anticipated loss) much more strongly than the joy of experiencing a gain.

It’s like your brain turns up the volume on the pain of loss, so you can’t hear the joy of gain.

How does this change the way you act?
You naturally focus, or even obsess on minimizing loss, instead of maximizing gain.

This force makes you avoid trying new things and making changes in your life.
You’ll do anything to avoid making a mistake.

Counterforce:

1. The best choices offer long-term benefits.If we stay focused on little moments, we’ll always be afraid of losing some quick, instant pleasure.

   Consciously focus on the long-term benefits.
   Build up those benefits in your mind.
   Make the sounds louder, the image brighter, the colors more vivid.

   Turn up the volume on those benefits.
   Then compare them to the little things that give you quick pleasure.

2. There’s something even more powerful that you can do.
   Your mind loves to focus on what you might lose.
   Your mind wants to protect the things that it possesses, or pretends to possess. 

   Let it.

   Think about the powerful things that you want, that you find so hard to act upon.
   Take possession of them in your mind.

   Feel them as yours.
   Feel yourself enjoying the benefits.

   Don’t obsess on the fear of losing them.
   But let yourself feel that fear for just a moment.

   And let yourself feel a strong desire to protect those precious possessions.

 
Commitment
Once you make even a small commitment to an approach, it’s hard to consider alternatives.

Counterforce:
Take a few minutes.

Imagine several different people who have made dramatically different choices.
See them committed to different choices, paths, lives.
And see each one happy and enjoying her life.

Let each one totally forget about the other choices, and just enjoy what she has.

It’s easier sometimes to imagine other people making different choices.
It’s not as unsettling as imagining a different life for yourself.

 
Chameleon Effect
People change their behavior and performance to match the opinions people have of them.

Treat me as mediocre or weak, and I’ll absorb that view, and act that way.
I’ll take on your image of me.

Counterforce:
Imagine yourself happier, more successful, more confident, or more powerful.
(Success can be anything you want it to be: relationships, family, career, business, money. You define it)

Now imagine successful people treating you as a successful person.
See and hear the way that they interact with you.
Feel the emotion in their voices, and see the emotion on their faces.

They see you as a different person.
Now accept their image of you.

 
Group Conformity and Dissent
There’s a powerful force within us that pushes us to go along with others and not stand out.
It’s much easier to think for yourself, and take a different point of view/action, when there is even one person already dissenting.

Counterforce:
Whenever it seems that you have to choose what everyone is choosing, imagine a powerful, popular person who is calmly choosing a different path than everyone else.

See that person as friendly and well-liked.
Pick any point of view for him as long as it’s different than the crowd.

This opens you to possibility, and gives you more freedom to make your own choices.

(In part 2 of this series we’ll explore the book, Predictably Irrational)

My good friend, Ken McArthur is standing in a circus tent today
asking 2,000 people to spread a message of hope to teenagers who
don’t think that life is worth living.

(You may know Ken’s name from the world of internet marketing, but this is NOT about internet marketing.
Ken is a wonderful guy, but this post is not about Ken)

Here’s Ken’s simple message for for giving hope (and maybe saving
someone’s life!):

G - Greet and meet: talk to others, smile, say hello, ask
someone how they are doing

I - Involve yourself and others: find a cause you can support,
volunteer, pledge resources. Get the people around you
involved, especially if you see someone beginning to
withdraw. Invite them to participate in some activity, to
“get out” of their comfort zone

V - Validate others: tell others that they matter - especially
family members and friends that you tend to see daily but
may take for granted, give genuine complements

E - Empathize: be a listening ear, take time to be fully
present, don’t try to solve - just acknowledge someone’s
feeling/hurt

You can find out more about Ken’s wonderful project with his
Impact Action Team at:

Speak up, Save Lives

Spread this message today!

And if you send it on let me know how many you sent it to!

Thanks,

Joel

Are you the victim of bad drivers, rude salespeople, annoying co-workers, or bosses that never give you credit for anything?

How many times does it take you to get a problem resolved with a bill, purchase, etc?

My wife and I have a standing joke that we always have to ask at least 2 different people at a company or agency what to do about a problem, since we’re not likely to get the right answer the first time.

Sometimes it seems like the whole world is conspiring to give you grief.

No wonder that you feel like complaining to anyone who will listen!

It’s so easy to slip into negativity, even when that accomplishes nothing.
And negativity is one of the most powerful ways to sabotage your own personal growth.

 
The No Complaining Rule
Jon Gordon recently released The No Complaining Rule, a book that tells how negativity destroys personal and corporate health.

Jon’s earlier books are about personal energy.
In those books he teaches you how to raise your energy level.

Why is that important?
It’s critical that you have enough energy to achieve the dreams that are important to you, while keeping up with our increasingly complex world.

His new book is written as a business story.
Have you ever read a book in that style?

Some people love them, while other people who read them are just waiting for the author to get to the point.

Stories are often a great way to pass ideas.
Our brains love stories, and the contents of the story often make a deep impression on us.

Have you ever wanted to make a change to your behavior or attitudes?
Stories are a particularly powerful way to sneak challenging ideas into our heads, and start the process of change.

 
Complaints into Solutions
Jon’s book is self-described as “A story about positive ways to turn complaints into solutions, innovations, and success.”

When someone discovers, or has important insight into a problem, they might write about it without providing any action plan.

That’s ok.
The writer wants to raise awareness about a problem that has no clear solution yet.

But in a way, it’s like making a valid complaint.
The company should hear the complaint, but unless that company tries to address the issue and find a solution, the only consequence of the complaint may be the negativity that it spreads.

Jon’s book points out some of the key dangers of negativity. For example:

• Negativity costs between 250-300 Billion/year in lost productivity
• 90% of doctor visits are stress related, and #1 cause of office stress is coworkers and their complaining
• Negativity affects the morale, performance, and productivity of teams
• One person can’t make a team, but one can destroy it. Just one negative person can create a miserable environment for everyone else

And negativity isn’t only a problem in the workplace.
Negative emotions are associated with:

• Health problems, and shorter life span
• More pain
• Less Energy
• Fewer friends
• Less success

Jon’s book doesn’t just complain about the hazards of negativity. He offers solutions including: the no complaining rule, three no-complaining tools, 5 things to do instead of complaining, and corporate and personal action plans.

You might be thinking:
This is ridiculous. If I eliminate complaints, I’ll never consider the risks or downside to my plans.

And you’re sort of right.
This book is not about completely eliminating complaints.

It’s about using complaints in a balanced way, tied to solutions.
Jon’s book is about eliminating mindless complaining, breaking out of a negative mindset where complaining is done for its own sake.

As an example, here’s Jon’s No complaining rule:
“Employees are not allowed to mindlessly complain to their coworkers. If they have a problem or complaint about their job, their company, their customer, or anything else, they are encouraged to bring the issue to their manager or someone who is in a position to address the complaint. However, the employees must share one or two possible solutions to their complaint as well.”

 
What’s Missing?
Is there anything missing from this book?

Yes.
Jon doesn’t give you an important warning.
This rule won’t work for every company.

Why not?
True, these are simple and incredibly powerful ideas.

But, the ideas in this book offer a fundamental change in the mindset of a corporation and its employees.

The No complaining rule must be implemented at every level of the organization to succeed.

A company’s leadership must commit itself to this change personally, to set an example for everyone else.

Fundamental personal or corporate change is hard, and some people, leaders or not, are not willing to face it.

Still, there are many companies that will be able to implement this new mindset in the organization, and benefit tremendously.

Is your company one of these?

(Take a look at The No Complaining Rule at amazon.com, or Jon’s website for more information.)

Do you get suspicious when someone offers you the perfect investment, opportunity, solution, etc.?

Everything has a limitation or flaw of some kind.

Things don’t have to be perfect, but we need to understand where the flaws are.

When someone offers you the latest personal development method, don’t expect perfection.

And don’t be cynical, and assume that the method is worthless.

Seek to understand where the technique works, and what the limitations are.

There has been a lot of attention given to The Secret (which is all about the Law of Attraction).
Its discussed and promoted as though it’s the perfect answer to everything.

Is it perfect?

The Law of Attraction tells us that we will bring into our lives what we focus on.
Our personal growth is in our own hands.

That means that you and I have to search our hearts, find out what’s important to us, and find the right way to focus on our great desires.

And bring our dreams to life.

Sorry, though, this is not a wishing well, a lottery ticket, or a slot machine.

You have to be prepared to see opportunities that appear, and do the work necessary to leverage those opportunities into the results you want.

Help will come in totally unexpected ways, but it’s only help.
You’re still in the picture.

Some people might think that this is a flaw.

They want the Law of Attraction to be a magic wand.
So they can get what they want with no effort.

I don’t think that manifesting your dreams has to be painful, and burdensome.

But you have to invest both your desire, and your action into your dreams.

When you invest your heart and your action into something, you make it yours.
And this is your life that you’re trying to manifest!

 
Cause, Effect and Control

Ok, here’s a real weakness in the way some people represent the Law of Attraction.

Do you attract everything that comes into your life?
Some people believe that we attract everything, pleasant or unpleasant.

I’m not denying that we sometimes attract the unpleasant through unconscious desires.

We have incredible influence over the direction of our lives.
We have so much more power to shape our lives than we ever imagine.

BUT.
The world is influenced by many people’s desires, which often conflict with one another.

And, I believe, the world is influenced by a higher power beyond any single person’s desires.

With this sea of influences, we will not always be able to manifest our desires.

It’s critical that we don’t underestimate our personal power to affect our lives.
But, do we have to pretend that we can control, or even understand, every event in our lives?

We have this love/hate relationship with the idea of cause and effect.

Sometimes, we believe that we have power over everything that touches us, and that anything that goes wrong is our fault.

Sometimes, we believe that we are completely powerless.

There are many times when the complexity of the world is beyond us.
But we have this drive to explain everything.

When some great, unpredictable event happens we start analyzing it, and talking about the factors that contributed to it.

Understanding some of the factors does not mean that we could have predicted that it would happen, or even, that we can predict a similar future event.

But it’s scary to live in a world where events can come and disrupt our lives.
We want to pretend that everything is predictable and under control.

We want to believe that it’s possible to prevent all the difficulties and danger in our lives.

There’s a fascinating book called The Black Swan, which talks about the ways in which we exaggerate our understanding of cause and effect, and pretend that unpredictable events are predictable.

The author speaks of such events as random.
I don’t believe that the world is random.

But I do believe that the world is unpredictable, and will surprise us again and again, sometimes with difficulties, but often with wonder.

 
One Wish

Sometimes we get lost in wishing only for things, or pleasures, or honors.

And we all wish that the world would change according to our desires.

But the greatest wish of all is the wish to be a different sort of person, with different attitudes and thoughts.

When you wish to be a different person, and achieve that wish, your perception of the world changes.

Even if nothing changes in the world around you, you’ll still be living in a different world.

But the world around you will also change.
When you act differently, you will influence people and the world to change.

Join me in a question and a wish.

Does each of us have the courage and honesty to live and enjoy life as a great journey through unknown territory?

What would the world be like if each of us wished and took action to become that sort of person?

Laughter and jokes and play are undervalued in our serious adult world.

We think of all of these as entertainment, just a way to escape the stress and burdens of a threatening world which weighs us down.

Do you ever feel like you’re carrying more than you can bear?
Laughter picks up those burdens, and takes them away from us, if only for a moment.

A break from our worries is great.
But laughter is much more than an escape.

Laughter can heal.

Studies show that laughter has a positive effect on our health, while negative moods are not good for us.

Sometimes, laughter is a wonderful expression of joy and happiness.
To me, nothing is more beautiful than a heartfelt smile.

I think that our spirit shines through those moments, clear and bright.

But, there are times and places where laughter and humor are not welcome at all.
Laugh during a funeral, a serious speech, or during a solemn religious service, and see what reaction you get!

You’ll be called disrespectful or strange (at best).

What is this struggle between laughter and serious events?
How did laughter become the enemy of solemn, important occasions?

I think it’s because laughter and its extreme cousin, cynicism, are often used to attack and destroy.

We often laugh at things that we find ridiculous or foolish, even when other people find those same things important or sacred.

Laughter can shatter an important moment, and turn it to dust.

Tragically, we sometimes use laughter to pretend that something truly important to us is ridiculous or foolish.

It’s our way of hiding from questions within us that need answers, or hiding from actions that we must do.

The Jester and the Trickster
In medieval times, it was common for kings to have a court jester. The jester was the one person who could joke about almost anything and get away with it.

He was there to entertain the king.

Sometimes his humor would be cruel and destructive to those who he joked about.
But often, he was there to raise important questions.

His job was to trick people into questioning the things that they otherwise would never question.

In the stories and mythology of many cultures there is the character of the trickster.
Sometimes this character is evil, and he seems to exist to bring out the worst in people, and lead them to harm themselves and others.

At other times, this character is a troublemaker, who doesn’t let people continue undisturbed in their everyday lives. He forces them to see the foolishness and weakness in themselves.

If the victims of his tricks don’t do anything with that knowledge, then the trickster is just an annoying character.
But if he succeeds in waking them up, he has performed an incredible service to them.

Playing With Fire

Laughter is like fire or any powerful tool.
It can be used to wake us up, to move us along the path of personal growth, to bring us healing and joy, or to destroy.

I’ve spoken before (in Caution: Shape Shifters at Play and Why are we afraid to Play? ) about the power of play that enables us to try out other ways of thinking and acting.

You are the ultimate possibility machine.

Did you ever think about how many different lives might be possible for a single person?

Even you.

Sure, you pretend that everything must be exactly as it is, but that’s the voice of fear speaking. We’re caught in a whirlwind of fear — fear of change, fear of facing a world where anything can happen.

We all find ourselves stuck, caught in a world made small by our habits and mindless rules.

Fortunately, there are certain forces in our lives that have the power to suspend our habits and our rules, to suspend the certainty that life can only be just as it is.

Laughter and play are two such forces.
They are like a reset button which shuts off all the little programs and voices within us that are running our lives.

Do you feel the lightness and the freedom that comes with play and positive laughter?

It’s not that we’ve escaped responsibility.
We’ve entered an abundant, open space where possibility is real, free of our limiting beliefs.

So, how will you use the power of laughter and play?

You can use those forces against others to try to hurt them, to leave them temporarily or permanently without the comfort of their habits and beliefs.

You can use those forces to help others.

Better yet, begin with yourself.
Use laughter, play, and imagination to open up a space of possibility in your life.

Will you get nervous without your habits of thought, feeling, and action to tell you who to be and what to do?

Yes.

The emptiness and fear may lead you to jump back into the familiar, or fill the moments with a simple game that doesn’t question your life.

But you have another choice.
You could play at being someone else for a few moments.

Or, perhaps, you could play at being someone else for the rest of your life.

Our desires and fears color everything we think and see.
We’re not completely objective about anything.

But, it’s easier to look at someone else’s situation and see it more clearly, more truly.

Do you ever find yourself going in circles, unable to decide, unable to take action?
You feel the urge to move in some positive direction, and at the same time, you feel compelled to stay where you are, or move in some trivial way that is no movement at all.

Sometimes, we’re aware of being stuck, and it pains us.
Other times, we just dismiss it as no big deal.

Yet, when we look at others who are stuck like this, we can’t understand what’s wrong with them.

We often say to others the equivalent of “just do it.”
Personal Development seems easy from the outside, looking in.

Maybe you know people who are addicts, or who have some compulsive behavior, or phobias.

And you, who don’t suffer from their addiction or behavior, just can’t understand why they do what they do.

It seems like there’s an invisible force that pushes them in the wrong direction, or a barrier that stops them from moving in the right direction.

Much of the time, outside advice is no more powerful than the voice in you that tells you to move.
And you remain stuck.

We could speak of the power of habits.
When we’ve developed a habit, our mind works to maintain it and protect it.
We act in a certain way without thinking.

But that’s not the whole story.
There are many habits that you can break with attention and persistence.

While other behaviors haunt you.
As though there were someone inside you that won’t let you pass through a gate that leads to another life.

It’s as though there’s a jailer, or gatekeeper who guards you, and won’t let you out.

The Enemy Within?

This force within us that won’t let us move and change, seems like an enemy.

It sabotages our success, our growth, our relationships.
It keeps us stuck in a life that we want to transform.

We feel trapped, imprisoned.
Sometimes we feel as though we’re stuck in someone else’s life, while our true life is waiting for us beyond that invisible gate.

Will we ever pass through the gate to the life we ache for?

As long as we think that the Gatekeeper is our enemy, the more he will block our path.

Surprisingly, the Gatekeeper is not your enemy.
He’s here to protect you.
He’s the parent, the one who says “no.”

The gatekeeper is the one who treats you like a child, and thinks that you can only be safe if he holds you by the hand.

Think back to your time as a child.
Most parents try to protect their children from real, or imagined dangers.

Parents tell us where to go and what to do, and they tell us to stop.
Is there any word more associated with parenting than No?

Most of us move beyond taking orders from our parents at some point in our lives.
But we’ve internalized the idea that protecting ourselves from danger means acting like a parent.

That means standing at the door and saying no.

Who Stands Watch Over Your Life and Keeps You Safe?

We need a new way of looking at safety, and protecting ourselves.

We can’t just dismiss this part of ourselves that wants to keep us safe.
We have an innate, fundamental desire to be safe.

But we can replace our inner parent with a different kind of guardian.

We can appoint a trusted adviser, someone level-headed who will suggest which actions are more risky and less risky.

When you work with an adviser, you take responsibility for your own safety, and you accept that every action has risk.

And you are responsible to make the final decision.

Being a child often means not deciding for yourself.
It means letting someone else take responsibility for what happens.

Are we ready to stop being helpless children, who can always blame someone else for whatever goes wrong?
Are you tired of acting like a spoiled child, who wants his own way, but won’t accept any responsibility?

Are you ready to protect yourself?

I’m not suggesting that people with serious phobias or compulsive behavior can erase all their problems with a simple change in attitude.

But that change in attitude makes an extraordinary difference for everyone.

And for many of us, this change in attitude, changes everything.

They get smaller and smaller until there’s no room to breathe.
Then, you must break out, or go crazy.

Have you ever felt like that?
If you can get past the pain and frustration and sadness, ask yourself how something rich and alive fell apart.

We may try to blame every problem on someone else, but the truth is more complicated.

We are not powerless. The decay of a relationship is not inevitable.
Are you a player in your own life, or does everything just happen to you?

Are personal growth and personal development real to you, or just words?

Everything changes.
It’s up to you to shape that change.

Or you will be unhappy with the results.

Abundant Relationships
Where do you find abundance in relationships?

Do we make our relationships small, old, tired, and endlessly the same, or do we look for ways to fill our relationships with wonder?

Do you look at the one outside your skin and think she is small and familiar and predictable?

Or do you dream the possibility that is dancing within her and around her!
Do you feel the abundance all around her and within her?

Relationships begin with possibility.
The other person is unknown and wonderful.

And in that newness, you feel that anything is possible for her and for you.

That’s the key.
An abundant relationship is filled with possibility for each of you.

You’ll find abundance dancing around others when you can see it dancing around yourself.

Abundance is around you and within you.
You can find abundance in almost anything, even in things that are physical.
But it takes the right attitude to feel it.

As William Blake said:
”To see a world in a grain of sand,
And a heaven in a wild flower,
Hold infinity in the palm of your hand,
And eternity in an hour.”

You can find endless possibility in the smallest place or thing or time.
And it is so much easier to see a person as infinite.

There are worlds beyond worlds within each of us.

But we live in a physical world, where things and even people seem to have boundaries.

Yes we have to pay the bills, change the diapers, and take out the garbage.
But when our relationships are centered on these actions as ends in themselves, as though abundance has vanished from the world, our relationships will shrink and disappear.

Our attitude can imprison us within the apparent boundaries and make everything and everyone small.
Or we can dance among infinities.

Possibility comes within reach of your mind and heart when you connect one little place or thing or time to the endless world around us.

One moment is a note in a symphony of time.
One place is a brush of color on a huge canvas.

And one person is a window into an endless series of worlds.
The possibility is born when one thing takes its place in relationship to the immense world around it.

Giving and Taking: A Dance of Energy
What is this relationship that we speak of that connects one thing or person to the world?
It’s a flow.

But that sounds too weak and random.

Imagine a great wave of energy that reaches out to each of us, like waves breaking on the shoreline.

Then imagine another great wave coming from each of us and bursting out upon the world around us.

Waves upon waves from an infinity of points slowly build up a great glowing, sparkling web.

This is closer to the image of flow and connection that I have in mind.

In this web of relationship, everything gives and takes, broadcasts and receives, influences and is influenced.

The world often focuses on our shortcomings as givers, saying that our relationships will crumble if we love taking too much.

Ah, and to be a giver, doesn’t that force my partner to be a taker?
Isn’t that a problem for her?

We’re looking at a great series of flows in isolation, and we’re getting mixed up.
It’s not the direction of any one flow that matters.

What we need is a rich web of energy that flows back and forth between us to build and maintain a healthy relationship.

And to keep our relationships young and powerful, what we exchange must be more than tiny things and moments, morsels of food within our cages.

We must exchange possibility.
We must give and take from each other the invitation to a world without visible boundaries, a rich, abundant world which calls to all of us.

Weave them together with a sprinkling of hope.
Dreams of a bright future will fill your heart and mind.

And dreams are the fuel that drives personal growth.

Do you think that you’re too old to dream?
Many people assume that only the young can dream.

Everyone has moments when they are filled with passionate dreams of the future.

For some of us those dreams flash and disappear, and are gone.

For others, the dreams are like the moon.
The dreams grow stronger, weaken, and then return.

Sometimes those dreams are sharp and alive.
They seem to surround us, and call to us.

At other times, those dreams are lost, buried, forgotten, or hidden.

Safety and Adventure
We have contradictory elements within us.

One side of us looks for the familiar.
It looks for familiar patterns among the world that greets our senses.

We want to connect today’s world to yesterday’s world.
We want to predict and control what happens to us.

This side of us makes us feel safe.

Another side of us swims in a sea of possibility.
We hunt for new patterns to taste, and explore.

We want to expand our world, and make it larger and larger.
This is the heart of all desire for freedom.

This side of us loves adventure.

It loves dreams, and lives on dreams.
This side of us makes us feel alive.

Perhaps the years you’ve lived have weighed you down, and clouded your dreams.

But are your dreams really gone?
No.

You can’t live without dreams, any more than you can live without air.
And, if you’re only safe, you can never be free.

Getting Stuck
When our pain and fears and habits stand in the way of our dreams, we get stuck.

Most of us are stuck in one or many areas of our lives.
We have goals or dreams, but we can’t seem to make any progress toward them.

When we can’t connect with those dreams, they become another reminder that we’re trapped, and the dreams lose their magic.

There are many ways to describe the feeling of being stuck:

• resistance
• trapped
• enslaved
• running in circles
• life on hold
• powerless
• lifeless
• small
• old

It’s easy, and natural to think of yourself and your life as something small.

Focus on the physical world that surrounds you.

You’ll see a world of objects.
Objects fill a small place in space, and have a limited, predictable use.

It’s easy to look at your body as just another object.

And you assume that your mind and heart and future must be similarly bound and limited.

This way of viewing the world comes from that part of us that wants the world to be small and predictable and safe.

But there’s a price to be paid, when the drive for safety buries the dreams of the explorer.

The life drains away from the familiar, until it seems old and small and empty of life.

One of the reasons why we get caught up in looking for only safety is that we come to feel overwhelmed by change.

It’s frightening when everything seems new.

You’re overwhelmed by the endless possibility and you don’t know what to do with it all.

You shut down, and look for a safe, familiar little corner to hide out in.

Safe Abundance
For most of us, our drive for safety has suppressed the drive for possibility.
We need to strike a balance between safety and possibility.

Let’s try to reconnect with the explorer who is hunting for possibility.

There’s another word that carries us to the world of possibility.
This word is popular in traditional religious works, as well as spiritual and new age works: abundance.

When we think of abundance, we think of rich possibility, but a possibility that is friendly and nurturing – a world of possibility that supports us fully in familiar ways, as well as offering pathways to new worlds.

Let’s look into abundance a little deeper.

Look at how the idea of abundance enriches specific areas of our lives.

These pathways and directions add some structure to the possibility, and make it much less overwhelming.

Let’s open ourselves to abundance in the following areas of our lives:

• abundant vision of self
• abundant learning, knowledge, and skills
• abundant attitudes
• abundant choices
• abundant action
• abundant relationships
• abundant tools, objects, and space
• abundant time, with abundant opportunity for growth & change

In later posts, we’ll explore each of these in detail.