My Fabulous Boobies!

Trying to be cute with lymphedema is a challenge

2013-05-22T10:30:00.000-04:00

In case you don't know... I fell in love last year. His name is Kendrick Lamar and he is a hot young rapper from Compton. Oh... and he has no idea that I love him from afar. (laughs) Seriously though... this guy is like the best thing my ears have heard from the hip-hop community in many years. Few days go by and I don't listen to him. Like rarely more than two. Real talk.

I missed him when he came to my town for a show a few months ago but he just started a new tour and I am PRESSED to see him perform live. Enter... one of my best and oldest friends who is also a huge fan. She decides that we need to see him together and I don't argue with that at all. But she lives in Atlanta. *shrug* No biggie. I'll come to Atlanta just to see this cat.

*My love is REAL y'all!*

Okay, seeing live performances and concerts is not a big deal to me because I live in a city that always -- and I mean every day somewhere -- has awesome shows going on. But flying to another part of the country to see someone is kind of a big deal. For a few reasons.

First, flying is really hard on my body. Something about those altitude changes and whatnot... and man...I am normally a hot, tired mess when I disembark.

*But I'm going to see Kendrick Lamar*

Second, the lymphedema gods are rarely kind to me when I travel. The pulling and tugging of luggage and bags, the annoying lines and poor food options tends to aggravate my already slightly swollen arm.

*But I'm going to see Kendrick Lamar*

Third... Kendrick's crowd is rather young. He's only 25 I think. And I'm... well, I'm not. LOL. And neither is my girlfriend.

*But I'm going to see Kendrick Lamar*

So my challenge is getting through the flight with a decent attitude and then deplaning in Atlanta with energy to get through the long night. I expect that my arm will be more swollen because of the flight (it happens just about every time I fly). And this is where my cuteness becomes an issue of concern.

The kids at his shows tend to dress very casually. Normally for me that is perfect. Tshirts and jeans and chucks is pretty much my standard uniform every day. (laughs) But I want to be dressed age-appropriate but still be stylish and trendy. And I need a long-sleeved top so that I can camoflauge my swollen arm. it also needs to be somewhat cool because it is hot in Georgia in the summer.

I'm searching for ideas... here are a few looks that I love that I think I could pull off easily and make work. Let me know what you think in the comments section.

Look #1 - distressed jeans, modified sweater, cool pumps and hot green bag

Look #2 - leather leggings, dolman sleeved top, and sexy heels

Look #3 - black skinny pants, chevron shirt, and patent black t-strap pumps

I am still considering wearing some fitted jeans and an altered shirt/sweatshirt with some cute wedge sneakers. Just trying to figure out what my style is now. I've decided that dressing like a kid isn't quite appropriate for a woman my age... but I do want to retain my casual flair and not be too fussy.

Preparing for my birthday and life in the "new normal"

2013-04-30T11:44:00.000-04:00

Well, another May Day is coming and that means... another birthday for your favorite sexy, sassy, single breast cancer blogger. (smile)

As usual, I've spent the past few weeks thinking about how to celebrate my birthday, reviewing the past year and plotting for the next year. Health-wise, I am fine. Generally speaking. My blood pressure is a little high -- but that means that I need to exercise more. Okay. I need to exercise period. But no cancer on the horizon and no worries from my doctor.

For that... I am grateful.

I've been dating a really sweet man for the past couple of months. And its so peaceful and comfortable, that I've been surprised and pleased. For awhile, we were moving a little faster than I was comfortable with but we've slowed into a nice groove and it feels good. He makes me smile. He makes me think. He believes in me. And he finds me enchanting. Imagine that? Now... he doesn't enjoy my favorite joke but he's okay despite that. (laughs)

For him, I am grateful.

My parents are well. My brother is happy and in love. Even the puppy is cool -- slightly crazy and a lot spoiled but cool.

For all of them, I am grateful.

My best friends... are still the most wonderful people I know. Some have been experiencing some deep tragedies. Others have been experiencing some great highs. And for all of them... I pray hard and often. I could not make it through this life without them.

For my inner circle of besties... I am always, always grateful.

My writing is coming along. I have a business manager who is helping me to focus and to envision the future in a grand way. My book should be published by the end of the year. The blog is doing well, but I have larger goals for it and will be rolling them out soon. My work on my startup has stalled. I think most of that is fear -- so that is an area I have to work on.

My family is great. Friends are doing well -- love seems to be in the air all around me; plenty of weddings, happy marriages, new babies, new world adventures and new business ventures are all around me. And to have the privilege to be able to witness all of that... I can't tell you just how happy and grateful I am. I am very blessed.

I still have issues with my lymphedema and I feel that I'll be going back in for some more plastic surgery. Nothing is wrong but I want to get a little cosmetic work done. Some stuff has shifted a bit and I want to tweak it and get it looking awesome again. I am slowly getting very comfortable with my life. Today on the eve of my birthday, I am cool with my new normal.

I didn't think that I would get here. I still have days where I wonder if life after cancer will ever feel "right". But for the most part... it does feel alright to be a survivor of breast cancer.

And for that most of all... I am really very grateful.

WEGO Health Activist Awards - Best in Show: Twitter Winner

2013-03-29T09:00:00.000-04:00

I am entirely elated that I won the 2012 WEGO Health Activist Award, Best in Show: Twitter last night.

You know how you watch the award shows and everyone says... "it is an honor just to be nominated"? Well... that feeling is REAL! I had no expectation that I would win. There are some totally awesome health activists on twitter. I follow a lot of them. :) But... today I was the winner!

I'm stunned but supremely thrilled. I love what I do. I love talking to survivors and caregivers and supporters. I love sharing information and connecting with other people in the community. It doesn't feel like work to me. And I am deeply grateful that someone notices the work that we do and wants to say thank you to us .

I am happy right now. Thank you so much WEGO Health!!

[VIDEO: 2012 WEGO Health Activist Award - Best in Show: Twitter]

I still hate looking in the mirror!

2013-03-21T09:30:00.000-04:00

One of my pink ribbon sisters posted this on facebook as her status: "I still hate looking in the mirror!"

I completely identify with that feeling. Not many women look into a mirror and like the reflection they see. But as a breast cancer survivor... I have LIVED that pain for a long time. And I am truly saddened by it and tired of it.

There was a long stretch of time after my treatment ended where I could not look at myself in the mirror. At least not all of me at the same time. I could look at my face just fine. I could look at my body in pieces. Or without keeping my face in my vision. If I caught a glimpse of my entire body -- getting out of the tub or the shower -- I would burst into tears. The scars, the new boobie, the burns, the change in my skin color... it was simply too much to take at one time.

And then one day I felt bold enough to challenge myself to look at my whole body every day for at least 5 minutes. It took me weeks to work up to that much time. It took me months of looking at myself before I stopped sobbing uncontrollably. I am more comfortable in my skin now. I can take pictures of myself in my bathing suits and bikinis without that same feeling of pain. (I do still cringe but that's because I need to work out, laughs)

I believe that the more comfortable I became with the sight of my nakedness, the more comfortable I was in my clothes. And the more comfortable I was engaging with other people. It took me a long time before I realized that when people look at me, they cannot tell that I've been through a war. It is my secret. At least until I'm ready to share it.

If you're struggling with your body image... take some time every day to look at yourself. Withhold all judgement against yourself. And eventually work your way up to giving yourself honest compliments about your body. It really makes a difference.

Don't let breast cancer ruin your relationship

2013-03-19T09:30:00.000-04:00

The other day I received a frantic note on chat from a male friend. My friend's girlfriend was recently diagnosed with a rare type of cancer and he's been trying really hard to be a supportive caregiver. When he first told me of her diagnosis a few months ago, my heart sank. For her and for him. I was sad for her. I know the devastating feeling of hearing the words "you have cancer" and the type of fear it gives you.

But I really felt badly for my friend. My friend is a guy's guy. He is the kind of guy who wants to make things right. And even though I knew his heart was breaking because of the diagnosis, I also knew that his relationship was in jeopardy. And I knew that he probably wasn't going to be prepared for that. I tried to explain to him that being a caregiver to a cancer patient is tough. I warned him that a lot of relationships do not make it through the cancer crucible. I encouraged him to seek out friendships and connections with other men who were caregivers to cancer patients. I'm not sure whether he followed up with any of my suggestions.

So when I saw his frantic message the other morning... my heart sank. I knew that whatever he needed to talk about with me early in the morning, was going to be tough. I hoped that it wasn't going to be dire news about her health. I didn't expect it to be a vent session. But I totally understood. He was angry. He was pissed off. He was scared. But more than that he felt unappreciated.

I understood. But I didn't know what to say. See, in my world, I was in the same position as his girlfriend. I understood her emotions, her fears and her actions. I completely sympathized with her perspective. I didn't have the same personal understanding of what he was going through. And discussing it with him, dragged me emotionally back to that place when I was the patient and my boyfriend was the caregiver. I got angry. Again.

Look, if you didn't know, I have a vulgar potty mouth. (laughs) And I said some choice words to my friend about my ex and how I felt about how our relationship ended. And then I contacted my ex and asked him to speak to my friend. Because, no matter how I may feel about that man and how our relationship suffered, he had one thing I didn't: perspective about being a male caregiver to a cancer patient that was his girlfriend. I may not like the way that our relationship ended (I still don't) but I do think that there is value in hearing someone else's story and sharing their perspective. I have no idea what they discussed or even if they talked. I hope that they did. I think they both could have learned a bit from each other.

Some of the complaints that my friend had echoed the complaints that my ex used to say about me: she's hard-headed, she's stubborn, she won't let me in, she won't let me help, she's short tempered, I feel ignored, I feel taken for granted... I'm ready to go. As a human being and a good friend, I wanted to say to him that it is perfectly fine not to accept poor treatment and move on. But, I remembered being that girl and how afraid I was. And I remember how the only thing that got me through a lot of days and a lot of nights was believing that I was loved. The relationship ended before my treatment did. It was hard to cope with not having someone in my corner that I had come to depend on.

In hindsight, I guess I was difficult. I imagine that I really didn't have a lot to say. I had a lot of tears. I had a lot of fears. I had a lot of anxiety. I didn't have a lot of chatter. I had a lot of guilt about being sick. I had a lot of pain that I did not want to share with anyone. I did not want to burden my friends and family anymore than I already was with my illness. And, I felt a lot of pressure to be chipper and happy for other people. Which only drained me more, so I needed a lot of alone time to get back to feeling somewhat balanced. In hindsight, my boyfriend needed me to share that with him. I just couldn't. At the time, it was just too much to open that faucet. So I kept it bottled up inside. And sometimes it leaked out of my eyes in tears and out of my mouth in deep sobs... but there were no words that I could share with him at that time. If I had opened my mouth to share the depth of my emotional pain, I don't think I would have been able to stop. I would have drowned that man in my pain. So I didn't share. And he felt that I didn't love him or didn't trust him. And I felt that he was being a sucker.

Relationship over.

Our relationship was new when I was diagnosed and we didn't have a strong foundation. So cancer exacerbated a fragile situation. I've learned that it will do that.

My advice to my friend was... "Suck it up. What you want from her she just may not be able to give you right now and she may not be able to give it to you for months".

That was my advice. I felt the same way years ago about my boyfriend and I still feel it. Having said that, I'm not advocating accepting abuse. But I am going to be honest and tell you straight up... you will have to fight for your relationship if a cancer diagnosis shows up on your doorstep.

When you are in pain, literally and emotionally... when you are fearing your own death or at least a major change in your life by no fault of your own... when you are in and out of the hospital all the time... when your medication and your treatment makes you feel terrible and tired and sore... it takes all that you have inside of you to work on getting better. There may not be enough left over to be kind to someone else.

If I could have been a better girlfriend to my boyfriend then, I would have. And I finally accepted a couple of years ago that if he could, my ex would have been a better boyfriend to me. But that wasn't our path. It is okay. Life goes on. I am happy now. I hope that he is too.

You can get through cancer treatment -- whether patient or caregiver -- but it will take everything you've got to make it. If it doesn't hurt you emotionally, it will hurt you physically. For me, breast cancer was the biggest heartbreak I've ever experienced. I hurt for years. I still have moments of intense sadness. They just don't last as long as they used to. I learned how to cope. If I can learn how to deal, then anyone can.

Steps you can take to hold on to your relationship (based on what I went through):

Hold on the the faith that she really does love you.
Do not take the anger personally.
Always remember that she is terrified.
Being told you have cancer brings your mortality into clear view. Depending on your age, this can be devastating.
Caregivers need support too. You need someone to talk to about your fears and anger and difficulties. And not the person you are supporting.
Accept that the person you loved before cancer may not be the person you come to know during their treatment or afterwards. Cancer changes you. We're rarely the same person that we were before.
During their treatment, ask someone to help you by taking over for a day or a few hours... just so that you can clear your head a little bit.
If you are a spiritual person, hold on to your faith with both hands. Talk to your pastor or priest to deal with your own feelings.

Above all, take care of yourself. And if it gets to a point where you just realize that your relationship is over... accept that too and know that you will be okay. Not every relationship makes it. Some are strengthened. Some are ruined. It really just depends on the couple. Every diagnosis is different and the effects are different as well.

Resources I suggest:

Picking up the pieces: Moving forward after surviving cancer

Breast cancer husband: How to help your wife (and yourself) during diagnosis, treatment and beyond

My blogging helps me to remember

2013-02-24T07:29:00.003-05:00

Just a quick thought today. I have been planning, working on, deleting, stressing, blah blah blah... working on a manuscript based on this blog. I have been trying to do this for a couple of years now.

I have nothing much so far.

Which is pretty embarrassing to admit publicly since I've been writing this blog for years. One would think that writing a book based on this would be easy. And yet, it has not been. The truth is every time I've begun to write, I've gotten overwhelmed and disgusted and I've thrown away the work.

Yes, you read that correctly.

I have tossed into the garbage (the virtual trashcan that is) about 5 different efforts for this book. *shaking my head* They may have been good, I don't know. But to me, they were horrible. And the emotional toll was just too high for me to wade through it. So I tossed it. I told myself it would be easy to try again. And I did. Several times. Over and over and over again.

This is maybe the sixth or seventh attempt. I've lost track. But I am making a promise that this will be the last attempt. I will not throw this one away. A friend has offered to help me to stay on track with my writing by acting as my manager in this effort. I realized a short while ago that I needed an accountability partner. I've definitely selected the right person. I'm already working on my first deadline. Progress.

In order to write my own story, I have to read my own notes as well as use my memory. Re-reading this blog from the beginning, I realized that I forgot a lot. A whole lot. I have begun to gloss over some of the difficulties of my early days in my memory. I don't know if that is to protect me... or others.

Thank God for this blog and my propensity to be long-winded. Because now I can really remember and revisit those days. Breast cancer is a hard disease. And as much as I consider myself to be a punk these days -- and I do -- I was such a soldier in the early days. Even when I was crying every day, I was really holding on. I didn't write all of the details in the beginning because I didn't want to scare people. But in the re-reading of the blog, I am also clearing away the fog about those days and remembering details that I didn't share then. I will share them in my manuscript. It has to be authentic to my voice. No "surface" writing on this topic.

I suspect that the next few weeks will be an emotional roller coaster. But it is time that I fully remembered my journey. All of it. The stink. The vomit. The pain. The tears. All of it. And then I can write the story that lives in my heart and close that door.

My posts over the next few weeks will reflect some of my feelings about my old days/early days with breast cancer. Sadly, since new diagnoses happen every day... hopefully my writings will help someone who may have just joined this fight.

Seen on twitter: Would you marry someone with one breast?

2013-02-10T09:46:00.000-05:00

Fooling around on twitter this morning and I witnessed a truly ignorant joke go by. I found it tasteless but I didn't really think much of it. I started to respond but decided not to insert myself into someone else's "fun". And then it started being retweeted repeatedly.

*blink*

Seeing it once was bad. Seeing it 5 times in a row? The pressure rose in my head. Immediately. I dashed off an informative response (kind in my mind, kinder than I was feeling actually) and moved on down the twitter feed.

The next tweet that caught my attention was a random question:

@phunmyharwe: Will you marry her if you suddenly discovered she has only one boob?

This is not someone I follow. I have no idea whether this person is male or female -- though I suspect female. And I have no idea whether this was a joke or a serious inquiry. The responses I saw seemed thoughtful and respectful.

My initial reaction was a frumped face with a deeply furrowed brow. But the truth of the matter is that, no matter how shallow it seems... this is actually a very honest question. And one that I grappled with for months when I was deciding on reconstruction options after my mastectomy.

Who would love me and want me with one breast?

I cannot tell you the number of times I asked myself that question. And now that I have one natural breast and one reconstructed breast... I often wonder how that difference is received. In fairness, I have never met a man who said anything negative about a breast cancer survivor or a sister with one boob or a fake boob. I'm sure they exist, but I'm fortunate that they haven't crossed my path.

But when I see "jokes" like the really crass one I saw this morning I am reminded that not everyone takes this disease seriously. Not everyone understands the magnitude of pain, both emotional and physical, that survivors deal with. For too many, boobies are just for sexual pleasure.

*sigh*

I am a survivor. I was more than my breasts before my diagnosis and I am more than them after. Losing one was hard. The emotional grief still burdens me. Being reconstructed definitely helps my self-esteem (and I know that not all survivors make that choice). It is a process that I am still working through to really see myself as fully woman, still feminine and still gorgeous. Just as I write about my journey with this disease and inspire others.. I too am inspired by the stories of other survivors. About 10 minutes after the boob question rolled across my twitter feed... this link crossed my path and I was inspired all over again.

[Even with one breast I am beautiful]

Every holiday means something, especially Valentine's day.

2013-02-09T19:54:00.000-05:00

I am a Valentine's day sucker. I really am. But I think that its because I loved it so much as a kid.

When I was a kid, everyone in class exchanged cards and candy. No one was left out and it just felt good to see that others thought nice things about you. As an adult, I know that the kids were forced to do that because no one wanted any kid to feel left out. But as a kid... I was just happy to know that at least one day a year, another kid thought I was nice.

It felt nice to feel loved.

As a single girl... I still have those same fuzzy, warm feelings about Valentine's day but sadly, no one to share them with. Each year, I find myself excited at the prospect of Valentine's day... and then as the day draws closer, my feelings are chipped away more and more by people who don't like the day. Or feel that they must protest Valentine's day. The reasons are endless... and to me completely stupid.

It makes absolutely no sense to me that someone would say "I show love every other day of the year, why must I show love this day?". That's like saying... I breathe every other day of the year but on a day dedicated to breathing... well, I'm going to protest that breath because I don't want to feel forced to do it. *sigh* So dumb. So shortsighted.

If I told you how often I dated someone who was otherwise a really decent man, but who turned into the grinch on Valentine's day, you might advise me to stop dating. It can be depressing. What I hear when someone argues with me about the validity of a day dedicated to love is... "you're not worth a little extra effort for me to show you that you matter... and I don't want your effort either".

The most depressing part about dating someone who feels like Valentine's day is a punishment is that not only do they undermine my feelings of being appreciated by the romantic interest in my life... they prohibit me from showing those feelings too. So since he's a grinch, now I've got to be a sourpuss too. That totally sucks.

I'm here to tell you... I refuse to give up my joy about Valentine's day. I'll be like Charlie Brown on this one. I'll keep hoping and wishing and praying that someday, someone will give me a sweet Valentine from their heart that truly reflects that I'm worthy of their love every day... and especially on the day dedicated to love. I want someone in my life that I can do that for... I feel that I deserve to love someone every day, including Valentine's day. And he (whomever he is)... deserves my love too.

I did not survive breast cancer, become a blogger and breast cancer advocate to then turn around and not show love or receive love on one day because other people have the gall to take love for granted. Take NOTHING for granted. That person in your life that you love... don't assume that you have every day to show them that love. God forbid that your love goes away the day after Valentine's day. You've missed an opportunity that you cannot get back because you were mad that its a holiday. What is that? Ridiculousness.

Take nothing for granted. If you want to balk at the inflated prices at your favorite restaurant or the best florist in town... be a little creative. Show your love in a different way. Write a poem, make a card... create a love web site for your favorite person. Create a photo collage that shows your love what they mean to your heart. Just don't take love for granted because some retailers decided to capitalize on the moment. Outwit the retailers and show your love that you really do love them 365. Because you have to know that everyone in this world does not have the opportunity that you're passing up to show their loved one how much they mean to them.

There are a lot of people who probably wish they could have one more Valentine's day to show their love. You have this day... use it.

Learning what grace is... on a daily basis

2013-01-11T10:04:00.000-05:00

If you've never heard of Randy Pausch, I encourage you to watch this video of him giving his last lecture. [Randy Pausch Last Lecture: Achieving your childhood dreams] Randy died of cancer the same year I was diagnosed. His last lecture became a viral sensation and the book is a global phenomenon. It is encouraging and poignant and touching in ways that only someone facing the end of their life (or some other massive tragedy) can be. Especially when they are looking at you and imparting their wisdom with humor and grace and elegance so that your next days (or your last days) are as perfect and wonderful as they can be.

It takes a special mindset to see beyond your own misery and look to others with the desire to help them on their journey. Like all the other millions of people who watched this lecture and read the book (yes, I did both)... I laughed and cried and was touched and moved by his instructions. I wondered whether I could ever show that type of elegance when I'm facing my own end. And I wondered where that strength came from. I still do.

In the past few weeks and months, there has been a lot of death and sickness in my world. Family members have passed away, my best friend lost her father suddenly and my heart ached like it was my dad who had died. Another one of my best friends is watching her father battle with serious health issues as well. And I feel sad and helpless all over again. And of course, a friend was recently diagnosed with breast cancer and my heart broke for her when she shared the news. Sometimes its all just a lot to take. I tell myself that I'm moving into that age range where its likely that more sickness and even deaths will be a part of the fabric of my life. I tell myself that as a way to brace myself for dealing with these types of deep emotions.

But today... I was reminded of the grace some people show when they are facing the end of their life. Reading the facebook status of a friend's breast cancer blog saddened me this morning. This wonderfully witty and funny woman is in stage 4 of her cancer journey. So many of her posts are funny, self-depracating and lighthearted... even as she's discussing her pain, her frustrations, her treatments and her end of life preparations.

Since I am a notorious over-thinker, her posts remind me to pull my head out of my butt and look around at the beauty that this world has. No, things are never perfect but that doesn't mean that you can't find joy and appreciate what you do have. As I struggle to figure out this life of mine, I am focusing this year on living with grace.

I used to be so deeply annoyed that so many cancer-survivors were always showing these eternally perky personalities to the world. I thought it was unfair and dishonest. But I'm realizing that these folks are trying to be graceful in the face of deep fears and frustrations. Grace is a powerful trait. It is the honest acceptance that all is not perfect coupled with the strength to show the world that it will not steal your joy or your happiness.

My grace may not look like someone else's... but it will be genuine and based on honesty and appreciation for all parts of this journey. Day by day, I will learn to be grateful and graceful.

I had a small anxiety attack today...

2012-12-14T11:28:00.000-05:00

Years before I was diagnosed with breast cancer, I struggled with an anxiety issue. At one point, I would struggle with just leaving my home. To be honest, it created a lot of problems for me. But I dealt with the issue in therapy and I felt that I had handled the problem. And I guess for many years, I did.

But I think that my efforts to do a lot of things has triggered my anxiety issues again. And it sucks.

I had a melt-down today and it made me realize that I had been hiding from myself. It is hard to explain how I'm feeling. Angry with myself. Disappointed. Frustrated. Sad. A whole lot of sad.

Feeling overwhelmed with life happens to most people I'd think at one point or another. For me, I put a lot of pressure on myself to be great. Not perfect but definitely above average. Okay.... I aim for perfection and I settle for above average. Anything less than that makes me crazy.

And I feel so far beneath that right now that I could be living in a ditch. Telling myself that I'm doing alright helps. But sometimes, when a plan falls through or I can't get something done... nothing helps and then everything feels like its crashing down around my head.

...and I crumple into a ball of tears and fears and anger.

I'm sharing this because I need to get it off my chest. And also because it isn't easy every day. I don't wake up with a smile all the time or feeling like super woman. Most days, its all good and I'm fine. But then there are days like today... when my to-do list is too long and I can't see my way to the bottom and for whatever reason I simply feel like I'm just not good enough.

I had a chat this morning with a pink ribbon sister and she was going for her 6 month check-up today. And even though she (like me) had been through it a bunch of times... this time was just as scary as the first time. She had had a scare with some of her scans coming back unusual -- but it was deemed to be a minor issue and not cancer -- and as we chatted I just felt the anxiety creeping around my neck. Tightening around my throat.

My to-do list is a mile long because I feel like there's just so much to get done. I don't care that every time I go for my check-up its clear. One day it might not be. I don't know when that day will be but in the meantime... I'm running for my life.

*deep sigh*

Now that the panic attack is over... I realize that I have to be easier on myself. I guess its just one of those days.

My chemo-brain is getting better...

2012-12-13T07:30:00.001-05:00

Visit NBCNews.com for breaking news, world news, and news about the economy

I am in an email group for cancer survivors (and interested parties) who are interested in information regarding work/employment during and after treatment. The group is a community off-shoot from the Cancer and Careers non-profit. It isn't an overly active group but some really great information is shared here. Please check it out. [Cancer & Careers googlegroup]

Recently, the moderator posted a link to a news story regarding chemo-brain. Researchers have found new evidence that supports what a lot of survivors have been telling their medical team for years -- CHEMO-BRAIN IS REAL. (laughs)

If you don't know the term, chemo-brain is a cognitive side effect of chemotherapy or cancer treatment. Basically, you feel as though you are in a fog. Your thinking isn't clear and it is more challenging to handle some tasks. Your memory isn't great, your ability to multi-task is compromised, you just don't think as quickly as you used to. It is really very frustrating. Especially if you're someone like me, who rarely writes things down (never really had to) and keeps all the balls going in your head. Chemo-brain puts a halt to that. But for a very long time, the medical community felt that it was well... all in our heads. They didn't really believe that it was real. My doctor told me (with the strong face of skepticism when I asked about it) that "if" it happened to me, which he didn't believe it would, it would end when my chemotherapy ended. So, when I found myself forgetting some of the most basic things... I realized that he might not have been right about that.

I have talked to a lot of survivors who have complained that their chemo-brain has persisted long after their treatment ended. One, two... even 5 years later, there are survivors who still struggle with some cognitive issues. And like I said... it is truly frustrating. Now... I've been a bit scatter-brained for awhile. Partly due to the fact that I suffered from clinical depression in the past and it affected some of my cognitive abilities. And then also because I keep a lot of stuff in my head. It gets challenging to keep it all straight. Chemo-brain affects me in little ways -- I forget names and numbers, I may forget why I walked into a room. My attention span is about as long as a gnat. I may forget that I turned the water on in the tub (yikes... I have flooded the bathroom before) and so on. It makes life interesting to be sure but I just figured that it was something I had to tolerate because my doc didn't think it was real and there aren't any "cures" for it that I'm aware of. And then I decided that I had to do something.

My mother is retired. And she spends just about every day doing sudoku puzzles and word games. I used to laugh at her and her ever-growing collection of puzzle-books. Until she explained that she does the puzzles not only because its fun but also because it helps her mind stay sharp. I decided to start doing similar things. I play words with friends in order to keep my memory recollection sharp and to work on my strategy muscles. I'm not the best player -- not by a long shot -- but I can honestly say that it has been helpful.

One of the biggest helps is something I simply don't do enough of... and that's WRITE STUFF DOWN. Chemo-brain is real. And it is unfortunate. But, you can work around it. Write things down, let people know that you might forget names or numbers and other small details and it isn't personal. Ask for help and assistance to do some tasks. Get some rest. Seriously. It makes a difference. Cancer & careers has a great checklist of ways that you can mitigate the nuisance of chemo-brain. [Working with chemo-brain]

For me, it is getting better. But I still have a long way to go before I'm back to my old self completely. I will be honest too... my fear of chemo-brain has caused me to drag my feet about going back to school. I want to go to Harvard and I've been thinking about it for over a year or so now. But my fear of being unable to keep up with the work has kept me from making the commitment and just stepping forward into that reality. I mean... it is HARVARD after all. Not the the faint of heart in their best situation. But, I've come a long way since the end of my treatment with my memory skills and my ability to think quickly and clearly. Sometimes I find myself frustrated but its nothing like it used to be. So, I am ready to make that plunge.

*deep scary sigh*

One of my pink ribbon sisters is completing her final semester at Harvard this month. I plan to be at her graduation next spring with the biggest smile I can possibly have. I am soooo very proud of her. Her journey has been so challenging, so difficult and yet she has persevered and made it through. That is inspiring to me. So, I'm going to work on completing these manuscripts, getting this website up and running and continuing to establish myself in this space. And then... I'm heading into the next phase of my dream.

So, if you're struggling with chemo-brain, know that you're not making it up. Know that it is real. And know that, with some effort, some time and different tactics... you can move beyond it as well.

What about you? What tricks have you used to get beyond memory issues (whether because of chemo-brain or not)? Let me hear from you in the comment box.

Dating chronicles: The after-London date that never happened

2012-12-11T07:30:00.000-05:00

Prior to heading across the pond, I had been chatting occasionally with a guy who seemed pretty nice. He was significantly younger than me. (sigh) But even though that gave me a serious case of cold feet, I decided to just see what was really going on with him.

Turns out. Nothing much. Well, let me be more forthcoming... he was nice. He was very smart. Like... wicked smart. (and we all know how much intelligence excites me). All things considered.. there was something about him that was intriguing. And there was something else about him that left me feeling off-balance, a bit uncomfortable. Difficult to describe really but it wasn't something that I dismissed easily. I just tried not to focus on it. But one thing I am always reminded of... the gut don't lie. (laughs)

We met many, many months ago... like back in the early spring but I just couldn't make up my mind to date then (not him, not anyone). So, when I finally resigned myself to the idea that I needed more balance in my life, including some type of social interaction, I decided to go out with him.

There wasn't anything overtly "wrong" but things didn't feel exactly right either. I'd met him two times at a happy hour event but since he was working the event, we didn't spend more than 5 minutes together. To me, those weren't dates. Just opportunities to see each other.

*gas face*

While I appreciated the invitation, it was kind of a waste of time to sit and watch someone work. Fun, but not enough. Not what I would consider an actual date. We had more time together the first time we met, than we did on those two occasions he invited me out. Eventually, he got around to asking me out for a proper date. And that gave me a glimmer of hope because the date idea was a good one.

Okay... I sort of swooned actually. He had a great idea for the date. And no noticeable aversion to actually asking me out on a date. Its the little things at this point.

*smile*

It has been pretty rare that I have been asked out on a creative date. The regular ideas (dinner, drinks, movies, etc.) are good but predictable. An unusual date that gives the two of us a chance to talk, take in some sights and just get to know each other... those make my heart sing. But again, they are rare. So, an opportunity to play tourist in my city seemed like a fresh slice of sunshine. Unfortunately, it had to wait until I returned from my trip. There was too much to do to prepare so I just didn't want to stop the momentum. After the trip gave me something to look forward to.

And that's where it all fell apart. We ran into a little difficulty over social media.

**Imagine that?**

Anyone who knows me -- and if you're reading this blog, you've probably got a good idea of this too -- I love social media and use it vigorously.

It is serious over here about social media.

So, imagine my surprise when I'm skipping across twitter one day and I notice that there is a person on twitter just talking about him like a dog. I mean... like a dog. This chick was mad and she wanted the world to know. My first reaction was surprise and then I was disappointed. It was childish. Her rants were those of a scorned woman. I felt badly for her because it was obvious that she was hurt and felt deceived by this guy and I felt like she needed to have more maturity than to take her displeasure with him to the entire world.

Despite what people may think, social media has an impact on your life. For me, your social media reputation actually does matter. Think of it as a background check of sorts. Now, don't think that I automatically dismiss people based on what they tweet or put on facebook. And your "I wanna be a model" pics on instagram will not get you laughed out of contention. That's not it at all. But I do pay attention to what the people in your circle or people that you've dealt with have to say about you. It just gives me an insight into what I might be getting involved with.

So, when I stumbled across this angry person on twitter, I asked him about it. I did not go to her because she was a stranger and ultimately didn't matter at that point. I just wanted some clarity about what was going on. I wasn't mad but I was confused.

I wasn't accusatory. I wasn't mean. I wanted to know who she was and why she was so angry. What she accused him of was pretty serious to me and I wanted to know that I wasn't about to step into a bad scene with a criminal. He assured me that she was just bitter and angry and her complaint was a dispute over some money that was owed. I didn't completely buy it but I didn't press the issue.

But it was a red flag.

Actually it was two red flags. One, someone from your past (or your present) was telling the world that you were a criminal. That is a problem. The second red flag popped up when he copped an attitude about my inquiry. Hmm..? No bueno. Considering that just the day before we had a long conversation about trust and being honest -- a conversation that was initiated by him in fact -- I found it strange and unsettling that when given an opportunity to be completely honest and forthcoming, he was perturbed.

*gas face* Say what now? Why you mad at me because this chick is on twitter saying you stole her stuff? Am I not supposed to want to wonder what da heck that is about?

So.... second flag up!

Now... in the very beginning, I felt that he might have been a little shady. Not outright bad perhaps but just a little too slick for my comfort. I can be honest and say... I have trust issues. I believe people will lie more often than they will tell the truth, if the lie will make them look better and the truth might expose some vulnerabilities or failings. When it comes to men... well, my trust and faith has to be EARNED and over a period of time. Not like a day or a week... but months of consistency will show me whether or not I can trust you. And if that trust is broken... in most cases... that will be a wrap for us. Forever and ever. We can mend our friendship but it will never be like it was.

We're going back and forth about this girl... just conversation, not an argument and then he just shuts down. "I don't want to talk about her anymore"

*what?!* No sir. What you won't do is shut me down... oh no.

So, I replied sweetly... "okay, that's fine. I understand". But inside I was seething. In my head the conversation was...

"Is he freaking serious? Some babe is on twitter calling him a thief, making rude remarks and using his entire government name and he thinks I'm supposed to think... oh, yeah... that's nothing... just ignore all that?" Has he ever met me? Really?

But I didn't press the issue then. Remember... that's two red flags and one uneasy gut feeling. Not looking good for ya boy. I press on.

On the flight back from London, I was sitting next to two delightful little girls. They were pleasant and mannerable and did not cause me any problems. In fact, the flight was filled with kids. I was surprised. My parents never took me overseas as a child. (laughs) But then, different families have different lifestyles. Anyhoo... Nic loves kids. I do. However... kids are germy messes. Generally speaking. (and not YOUR kid... I know your kid is different)

*smile*

I got off the plane and headed home and then the next day I felt really run down. And the day after that I got a tickle in my throat and a sniffle. And by the end of the week, I was flat on my back.

SICK!

*damn kids*

(might not have been them, but I've decided to blame them like they were outbreak monkeys anyway)

Around the third day back I reached out to him to say hi, catch up after my trip and try to gauge whether or not our date was still on for the weekend.

Silence.

Hmm. Weird.

Before I left, I had sent a couple of emails to him and asked him to respond. One was important because it was about the blog, but he had not responded before I left. And he did not respond while I was gone. And then he still had not responded once I got back home.

Problem.

Sigh. Okay... so my trust issues get cranked all the way up when I feel ignored. Even if you only respond with "ok"... say something. Otherwise... it gets hectic over here. He did not respond. I got sicker. I finally cancelled the date and wasn't sure if he had gone through any expense in planning it, but I knew I couldn't go out of my house. I now was the outbreak monkey. *sad face*

Still silence.

Hm. Okay then. I go to social media to see whether I missed something. Like maybe he had to go out of town for a project or something happened. And lo and behold... Miss Missy is STILL going in on his ass about stealing her money. Well, its been like 3 weeks since I first noticed it and she's still going in. That was really strange to me. Who does that? Who has that much anger (and time) to keep going in and in and in on someone who is obviously ignoring you?

My thoughts: Damn she's crazy. Damn he must have put it on her. And damn... do I really want someone in my life who has attracted nutty people like this?

**blink**

That would be a no. In fact, a hearty ass hell to the no. I'm sick. I'm cranky as hell. I'm annoyed that I've been ignored for a week by someone who claimed they wanted to get to know me and then I see that he's been rather active on social media -- like always -- he just ain't checking for me.

Got it.

I sent a nice email saying that it was nice getting to know him but I was getting off the train at this point because nothing felt right. Want to guess how long it took him to respond to that message?

Who guessed FIVE MINUTES? You win a prize.

*sigh*

So, let's review. He's young (too young if you ask me). I am not a cougar. I have a strange feeling in my gut that he's less than honest. He has random chicks blasting him on twitter. He often ignores me for no apparent reason (and I'm not a bug-a-boo kind of girl, I will reach out once and then go about my way). And he presses me for honesty that he is unwilling to reciprocate.

Verdict? I'm done.

Now let me be clear... I know for real that no chick is going to stay that mad for that long with a dude that she wasn't smashing or loving or both. The fact that he didn't want to address it and tried to downplay it only made it clear to me that whatever they had, it was still in process or had not found a resolution. In other words, feelings were still involved. Always a bad scene for the new chick.

Let me be even more clear -- if any man stole from me what she claimed he stole from her, twitter wouldn't be his problem. Keeping that ass away from the police however would be. So... I knew what it was... I just didn't like the way he handled it. And I said that. Perhaps that wasn't something I should have done. But in hindsight... eh. He needed to know that it made him look as badly as she did to have someone flipping out and trashing his name. And it also was a bad reflection on him that when he had an opportunity to be honest and straightforward with me about it, he wasn't. And my personal assessment was that a man who could not handle the women in his life, needed to go back to the drawing board and figure out how to get folks to fall in line.

*shrug*

In the end, he called me childish. I found it funny. He felt that the fact that I unplugged from him in all of our social media connections was taking things too far. I disagreed and more importantly I don't care. How Nicole handles things with people she no longer feels have a place in her life is to delete them from her circle. Is it childish? It doesn't matter. But I don't think so. Why leave a door available unless you are willing to deal with it if they walk back through it? I have no apologies for that. But even more than that it isn't a punishment for them, it holds ME accountable. I let things go and move on and then forget why I stopped speaking to someone in the first place. If I no longer have your number, I can't call you one random day when I'm feeling bored and want to say hi. Feel me? If its petty... then I guess I'll be that. However, I can tell you this... I won't be seeing his random tweets in my timeline. How 'bout that?

So the date that was supposed to happen after my trip... didn't. And the little bug I picked up in London (or on the flight) turned into a major thing and I was sick for weeks. And now...? Well, its almost Christmas and I'm preparing for the new year by working hard and following my dreams.

**************************
PS. Right now... as I am reviewing this incident I have to acknowledge a few things. I probably never should have agreed to go out with him. My head was in a very different space and I should have just left well enough alone. I think he's a talented young man. I think that he is really quite intriguing and I am confident that whatever he fully turns his attention to will flourish. He's that kind of young man. But I also am confident that no matter what happened... he wasn't going to be the guy that I really wanted in my life. For a lot of reasons but mostly... my heart is just in a different place. If it wasn't this social media thing, it would have been something else I'm sure. So, no harm no foul.

He goes his way. I will go mine.

Sometimes you just have to let go...

2012-12-07T09:02:00.000-05:00

I am stubborn. I've always been stubborn.

My mother calls it bull-headed. I guess that's a nod to my Taurus nature. I call it determined. That's a nod to my tendency to be afraid of making the wrong choice. Either way, semantics aside... I don't let go of things very easily. Especially when it feels to me that this "thing" is of major importance.

Sometimes I think that I've come to a peaceful place about something (like having children or being married) and one innocent comment from someone sends my heart into somersaults. Recently a sister in one of my email groups announced that she was pregnant. She too is a survivor and as I read her message I was split into two pieces. I immediately felt elated and joyous and then sad and angry. I can't lie. I "knew" the elation she felt to learn that she was pregnant after going through all of the treatment for breast cancer and being told repeatedly that she probably would never have a child naturally. I FELT it. Deep in my gut. And then... the knife twist... it wasn't my joy.

I felt robbed. Cheated. Angry. And as hot tears leaped out of my eyes... I responded that it was a beautiful blessing indeed. I truly felt that too. This constant double-ness is troubling. I have dreams that may never come to fruition and at the same time, I am in a place where I know that my life is beautiful, if for no other reason than the fact that I am here.

I moved on. I pushed it away and then in the midst of an innocent conversation with a guy about the randomness of life... he asked me about kids. Whether I wanted them and whether I could have them.

*SNAP*

Instantly... I was back in the land of double-ness again. I tried to explain that while I felt that I was too old at this point to consider it, I still had the same problem now that I had before cancer... I am alone. He teasingly chastised me about not being a mother to a deserving kid because I was waiting for a husband... still. That made me think for awhile.

A part of me was annoyed that the questions caused so much angst. I thought that I had put away those feelings and made peace with where I am in life. But here I was, defending my decision to not have children by myself and angry that fertility was yet another thing that breast cancer took from me.

Ugh... when does it stop? When do I stop feeling like I am living a "make do" life?

I am currently in a weird state of non-dating (and have been for many, many months). There are multiple reasons for this choice but mostly its because I am tired. Tired of foolishness. Tired of explaining the "Nicole story". And as I feel that way, I know that it is completely counter-productive to the notion that I want to be in love and be able to wrap my arms around a man that I love and who loves me. *sigh*

After my conversation with the guy-friend, I realized that it was beyond time for me to simply "let it go"... in all things. Again.

Life doesn't go according to plan. Its always presenting opportunities to shift and pivot and take a new direction. I guess I will always wonder "what if" when it comes to kids. I thought that I could suppress that desire and keep moving forward. But now I see that I have to acknowledge that it is a real feeling for me and be okay with that. Really be okay with it. And as afraid as I am of being hurt again by love, I cannot deny that I want that in my life. I really do. So I have to keep pushing forward and allow myself the opportunity to meet someone and have them learn the "Nicole story" for themselves.

Not easy. Yes, draining. But love is worth that risk.

In the midst of grieving and mourning the deaths of several family members this year... I give myself permission to let go of feelings of inadequacy and guilt for being here. Obviously, I am here for a reason. And as long as I am here... I will keep turning my face to the sun and look for the best that I can offer to the world.

I am choosing... to let it go.

Jumbled thoughts, emotions, and everything

2012-11-28T06:31:00.000-05:00

My trip to London last month was amazing. How it came about, how it went off and just the general awesomeness of being invited some place that incredible... I am still in awe of the entire process. I am grateful that four years of blogging about my experience with breast cancer has made me a voice in this community. I am grateful that when people were searching for voices to share in this London experience, they found me. And I am more grateful that I was healthy enough to make the trip and enjoy one of the few tangible perks that blogging has offered me. (and what a perk it was)

The good people at Siemen's did a fantastic job with their Turn your city pink campaign for global awareness of breast cancer. While I know that breast cancer affects women and men around the world... the magnitude of the impact of this disease hit me really hard while I was overseas. (I can't tell you how giddy it makes me to be able to say that) Sitting at an event with bloggers and survivors from countries around the globe forced me to really accept that a whole heck of a lot of people get diagnosed with this disease.

This thing is HUGE y'all. I mean, really really big.

By the end of the trip, I had become perturbed. A little angry, a lot sad and mostly just really very confused. Very, very confused. Now, I don't have a good poker face. I cannot hide what I'm thinking or feeling at all. Its one of those things that keeps me from being a great liar and it is also one of those things about me that makes people instantly responsive to me. Sometimes that is a good thing and other times... its a bit of a pain because I don't intend to bother people with all of my crazy thoughts. But usually since its right on my face, they want to know what's on my mind.

Because I was in deep thoughts and trying to identify what was going on with me internally, my face just showed angst. Or anger. And it concerned my travelling partners. I felt badly trying to articulate my feelings because I just couldn't. I believe that I upset them unnecessarily because the emotions were just under my skin but I just couldn't reach them. Even now, its been weeks and that feeling hasn't left me. I have tried several times to articulate my thoughts and concerns and only recently... (like last night) did it start to all come together in my mind about what was bothering me.

I think that something is missing in this breast cancer movement. We're focused on research. That's good. We're focused on awareness. That's good. We're focused on preventive measures. That's okay -- we need more research and more work in this area so that we can be sure what really works and what is just nice to do. We're focused on finding a cure. That's fantastic but we really need some progress in this area. But one area that I think we've missed, overlooked... just forgotten about... is survivors.

What about us? What about those of us who are behind the pink ribbons?

I have hated that thought that your life just picks back up where you left it after you've had breast cancer. I hated it because even though that's the thought that I held on to throughout my treatment, it just wasn't true. My life wasn't the same afterwards. It will never be. It is good, but not the same.

I've also sort of despised that notion that all survivors after breast cancer suddenly become super-human and unafraid and simply able to take the entire world by storm. I guess that it happens for some. But for others... it takes time to get there, if we get there at all. Especially if you weren't that kind of person before breast cancer. It all feels like a lot of pressure to be some sort of perfect new hero for the world afterwards.

I don't always feel like that. In fact, I thought that I burned that damn super-woman cape before I was diagnosed with breast cancer in the first place. *sigh*

I know that people are aware that breast cancer patients and survivors are around the other eleven months of the year... but I wonder... I just wonder. Do you really think about us after our "month" is over?

The question that I keep pondering is about charity. When we give money for fundraisers or in the name of a loved one or a friend, what is our true motivation? Is it enough to raise money for research (and can anyone explain why it is the general public's "burden" to fund cancer research)? What about actual help -- real charity so to speak -- for those who are struggling with the aftermath of the disease? Having an illness like this is a bit of a burden -- emotionally, financially, and physically. While I do think that the way that we currently address the disease -- research, prevention, awareness -- is good. I think that the millions of women and men around the globe who are left to pull together the pieces of their lives after cancer need some sort of something also. What that is specifically... I don't know. But let's rap about it.

I would like to start regular chats online about what needs exist and ways that we can help each other and receive help from others. I have to find a couple of people willing to help me with this behind the scenes. But let me know in the comments if you'd be interested in chatting about helping survivors in tangible ways. I really need your insight and feedback.

#I am the pink ribbon.

This is the start of a movement.

Dating chronicles: London has some pretty sights (men!)

2012-10-26T08:00:00.000-04:00

[Idris Elba might be the new James Bond. How's that for wonderful?]

I was blessed beyond measure recently. Beyond, beyond, beyond my wildest dreams actually. I was invited to London to participate in a blogger event and a breast cancer awareness campaign celebration by Siemens. It was the first time for me to visit London. And while I didn't get to see much, I did enjoy London.

Awhile back (I can't remember if it was a year ago or longer) I remember reading a blog article where a British sister was really confused about the fascination that American women had with Idris Elba. One comment stood out for me at the time, and I'll have to paraphrase (since I can't find the original blog entry). She said that she did not understand our attraction to him because he was rather "ordinary" looking to her. She stated that she saw men who looked like Idris every day on the tube.

*gasp* Can you imagine?

Well, I couldn't. And then I went to London. And well... she's right. MY GAWD! My time in London was short, I didn't have a lot of free time but during the only time I got to venture out on my own, I was bombarded by how absolutely incredible and delicious the men looked. No, really. Freaking incredible. Now, perhaps it was the "vacation goggles"... you know, the way that you see that guy when you're on vacation and he looks so wonderful and then when you get home and talk to him again... eh? None of that greatness translates to your real life. Yeah, well, it could have been that. But I tell you what... just seeing all those "Idrises" walking around definitely made me start thinking about dating again.

I've been so heads down, focused on the blog and the start-up that even thinking about dating has seemed like too much work. Which is a shame because dating is wonderful when done right. Hmm... that's an oxymoron. "dating done right"

Any hoo... I think its time for me to get back out there and start dating again. I have a date for this weekend scheduled, but since I came home from London with a terrible cold, I believe that I should cancel. Which is sad because the guy came up with a great idea for our date. Not the usual dinner or drinks. I was really looking forward to the date. Curse this darn cold (but I really feel miserable).

[Idris Elba as Stringer Bell, courtesy of HBO]

In honor of my great trip to London and all the beautiful men that I saw along the way, I will break out my dvd collection of The Wire this weekend and revisit my love of Stringer Bell. *deep sigh* Even though he played a drug dealer, Stringer was dreamy. (smile)

I've got to get back to London. Maybe my dating luck will be different in another country. You think?

What is a blogger? said with an English accent

2012-10-21T06:03:00.000-04:00

The customs official at Heathrow airport asked me that question two days ago when I arrived in London. At the time, I thought it was quite humorous and considered it a positive premonition about what this weekend would be for me. I figured that, outside of the United States, perhaps blogging just wasn't as common place and that I may find myself defending my current choice of occupation. That wasn't exactly true. People do know what blogging is and they do see value in it.

I'm here in London by invitation (I'll explain all of that in another post) of a large multi-national corporation. They did a wonderful job with a year-long breast cancer awareness campaign and I was fortunate enough to be invited to participate in the celebration dinner at the end of the campaign. A few weeks ago, another large multi-national corporation asked me to participate in a digital advocacy program for breast cancer awareness. In both situations, I was more than happy to participate. I was thrilled to be asked and truly amazed that my blog had reached people in places that I had ever experienced.

But now, as I plan to head home... after eating a fantastic meal last night in a room filled with wonderful people who are as passionate about breast cancer as I am... I'm feeling a little emotional.

Every year in October, people around the world are reminded that millions of men and women have their lives interrupted by a disease that we don't have a cure for. Every year, people want to do something to show their support, to make a difference and perhaps... to try to end this disease's rampage on our society. And then November comes, December comes, January comes... month after month goes by and pink ribbons become more of a distant memory as other life issues inevitably pop up and ask for our attention... Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Year's, Valentine's Day... and on and on. We spend money and time on these holidays and we push breast cancer to the back of our minds. And you know what? That is perfectly fine. Because unless it affects you directly... you do need to go on with your life.

But I want to ask something... exactly what do you get out of your contribution to big charities (or even local charities)? How does it make you feel to contribute this way?

As I sat at this fancy dinner last night, I was reminded of all the fancy dinners I had arranged and attended in years past as a part of my corporate job. I'll let you in on a secret: I used to be a fancy person (laughs) who was fortunate enough to coordinate fancy dinners for people in my office and was also fortunate enough to be invited to attend many fancy diners as well. They can be marvelous fun. And, if you do them too much, they can be tiresome and tedious. However, what they always are... is EXPENSIVE.

As I looked around the room and tried to guess just how much money this company spent on this campaign... I got very emotional. I had to ask myself, why am I here? I had moments during the weekend where I felt that I was in over my head. I had moments where I wondered whether they sure that they had reached the right girl, the right blog. I had moments where I wondered what in the world did I have to offer that was on the same level with what I had received.

And then it hit me... there is a true inequality built into this entire breast cancer awareness public movement. That inequality is... the world is exchanging MILLIONS of dollars (perhaps billions, I don't know) because of pink ribbons. But the actual survivors are not receiving them.

Everyone makes a nickel from my miserable experience... but me.

I am a blogger. I do not have another job. I enjoy writing about breast cancer and my life. I do. I also have bills to pay just like everyone else. As I sat at the dinner, I realized that the other bloggers and the contest winners (most of whom were actual breast cancer survivors) were the ONLY PEOPLE IN THE ROOM who did not receive a paycheck for being at that dinner. That is not to say that I am the least bit ungrateful for the experience. Absolutely not. I cannot overstate how blessed I am to have had this opportunity. However, several breast cancer organizations walked away with jumbo checks that were donations to their organizations -- over $90,000 was given away last night. Amazing right?

On one hand... I think its wonderful. That money will be used to help screen lots of women for this disease. It will be used to help these organizations continue to run and function and be a good presence in the areas where they work. However, the survivors who live with the aftermath of this disease, who spent lots of hours raising money and awareness for this disease... will walk away with the memory of a good trip and some pictures. And that is all.

The last time my insurance bill came... I couldn't use my memories or my pictures to pay it. I can't use the satisfaction of a great meal to pay for my prescriptions or to cover my light bill. Or to pay for these expensive compression sleeves that I have to wear daily to help me with my lymphedema. I feel like a jerk for even thinking this way. I am thankful that I am alive. I think that lymphedema, while annoying, slightly painful and generally just not attractive is a small price to pay for my life. But geez... at what point in the game do I stop feeling like the mule that is carrying the heaviest part of the load?

As a person on the outside of the pink ribbon world who wants to do a good deal and feel good about helping out... what stops you from bypassing these organizations completely and just putting your money into the hands/pockets of survivors that you know personally? (if you know any) I can tell you this... I don't think any company is going to go bankrupt by supporting breast cancer awareness. In fact, most companies (big and small) will only gain customers, make larger profits and strengthen their reputation because of their involvement. However, I can promise you... many breast cancer survivors are living hand to mouth, close to bankruptcy (or in bankruptcy) because of this disease.

Who helps us?

Do you want to help those people too? Or is it sufficient to help from a distance and then walk away? Is the difference that you can get a tax write-off for the charitable contribution? There is no wrong answer here and these are just rhetorical questions really. But as I look at my bank account and wince... I would be lying if I said that seeing other people walk away with checks for $25,000 sort of stung a little bit.

So, as I prepare to head back to the airport I am wondering... what IS a blogger?

I think its code for "broke volunteer too passionate about a cause to stop talking about it but who hopes that eventually it pays off... in real money."

Hard Rock Pinktober gifts give-away contest

2012-10-18T09:26:00.000-04:00

Hey gang!! Happy Pinktober!

I was contacted by the good folks at the Seminole Hard Rock Hotel & Casino (Tampa, Florida) to let you know that its Pinktober and they are offering some great things to support breast cancer awareness. Last year, they donated nearly $50,000 to help fund research for a cure. I'm actually impressed by that.

I'm a t-shirt and jeans sort of girl. Well, t-shirts, jeans and sassy high heels to be honest. (smile) So, when I saw this picture of their pink ribbon t-shirt, I knew that I wanted one. I have the perfect heels and a pair of nice fitting jeans that will make this look fantastic. But then, I was thinking... perhaps, one of my readers would like a t-shirt as well.

Soooo... do you want a rocking pinktober Hard Rock t-shirt? If so... leave a comment on the blog's page and I will select a winner from the comments left on the page.

I like to keep it simple so here are the rules: Tell me what Pinktober means to you. Or tell me what "My Fabulous Boobies" means to you. I'll pick the winner on October 25th (one week from today).

Since I also have a pinktober pin to give away as well, I'll give that cute pin to the second place winner. I wish I still had a jean jacket, this would look great o a jean jacket. Or on a nice scarf.

The fine print: I was contacted by Hard Rock directly to provide these items.

Breast cancer: Tutorial #2 -- Mastectomy & Reconstruction

2012-10-16T08:30:00.000-04:00

Hello boys and girls. Today we're going to discuss mastectomies and breast reconstruction. Don't look at the screen that way... I'll keep it easy. I promise.

I've attached a picture to this post of two women who are survivors. The sister in the first picture is posing with so much sass, and showing off her mastectomy scar. The second picture is showing the scars from her breast reconstruction surgery. I selected these two pictures because these two women represent me.

Four months after I started chemotherapy, I had a modified radical mastectomy. Definition: a mastectomy is a surgical procedure that removes the breast tissue completely from the body. There are different types of mastectomies but basically the purpose of a mastectomy is to remove the cancerous breast from the body in order to prevent the spread of the cancer to other parts of the body. It is (in my understanding) a life saving measure. I say that because I struggled for months to accept losing my breast. I could not grasp the concept that I had to lose a part of my body in order to save my life. However, because of different things about my cancer, as much as I wanted to save my breast it was not the best course of action.

In my case, I had multiple tumors in my breast tissue. At least one tumor was very, very close to my chest wall (which meant that it was close to my bones). And a biopsy revealed that the cancer had started to migrate away from the breast and had entered my lymph nodes (which meant that if it was not caught at that time, it would have entered my blood stream and could have ended up in other organs). So after debating with my medical team and pleading with God for some other option for months, I eventually accepted that losing my breast was the best course of action for me. Not every survivor has to face this decision. Some survivors do not have to have any breast surgery. Those cases are caught very early (perhaps from a mammogram or some other test that reveals cancer cells) and they are handled with chemotherapy or radiation (or both) without surgery. Some survivors are eligible for a lumpectomy, which is a breast-sparing procedure that removes just the cancerous tumor and leaves the majority of the breast intact. I wasn't that fortunate.

[insert advice here: This is why being proactive about your breast health is important. The earlier the cancer is detected, the less invasive the treatment is and the higher the likelihood that the cancer can be removed completely.]

The second picture is a sister showing her reconstruction scars and her reconstructed breast. There are a lot of ways that a woman who chooses to have her breast replaced can do that. She can have implants. Or she can choose to have reconstruction that uses her own body tissue (like I did) to reconstruct a breast. There are a few different types of procedures that utilize your own tissue. The surgery I had was a TRAM flap.

Definition: TRAM flap (transverse rectus abdominus myocutaneous) is a surgical procedure that creates a new breast mound using tissue from your belly that is tunneled under your abdominal muscles and up to your chest.

The procedure is very detailed and requires a lot of surgery. But, it is a one-shot deal. Meaning, unlike breast implants, you do not have to have several procedures before your breast is done. I went into the hospital with one breast. I came out of surgery 12 hours later with two. It is not the same way for implants. However, with implants, the surgery is not as invasive and it works if you are not a candidate for a flap procedure.

As you can see from the picture, there is a long scar that stretches from hip to hip along your bikini line and then there is a large scar around the breast. You will also notice that there is no nipple and no areola either. Lemme tell you... the first time I looked at my noobie (noobie = new boobie) I was not prepared for the Barbie-like look. (laughs) However, in all honesty, the option for (what amounted to) a tummy tuck at the same time I'd get a new breast was sort of the selling point for me. (smiles) You can laugh... yes I'm vain like that. And I've been pretty happy with my flatter tummy too. My theory was... if I'm going to lose my breast, get kicked into early menopause and lose my fertility... at least I can be gorgeous after its all said and done.

So, there ya go. Now you know the basics about losing a breast and gaining a new one. There are a lot more details that I could go into but... I'm trying to take you slowly so that you're not overwhelmed and freaked out. (laughs) But this is it.

I spent 10 months with one breast. I was miserable as hell about it. I felt like a lopsided freak. Even though I eventually came to accept it. I never liked wearing my prosthesis. I hated that even after I purchased the largest prosthetic breast I could find, it still was significantly smaller than my natural breast. I hated that I had to stuff my bra with the prosthesis, to try to look even. And I hated that I had to have a breast reduction so that my natural breast was the same size as my noobie. I know... that's a lot of hate right there. But its true. I fought and dragged my feet through all of this. But, now that I'm on the other side... I'm so much better about all of it. And... I can wear a bikini now. (laughs) It is the little things in life that make me happy. I have about 4 bikinis now -- before cancer I would be hard pressed to even put on a bathing suit. I will probably have many more before its all said and done.

I'm not suggesting that wearing a bikini makes all of this worthwhile. Because, well, that would be silly. But I am telling you that life does go on and you can reclaim some of your self-esteem and walk into your new normal with a happier outlook. for me, it was important to have two breasts. For some women it is not. Some women opt to remove both breasts. Some women opt to never replace their lost breast. It is a very personal choice and journey. There is no right way to do it. You have to do what works for you.

A couple of links for you:

WebMD: Types of mastectomy

Mayo Clinic: Tram surgery

My Fabulous Boobies: I'm back and I have one breast

Breast cancer hair? Why... yes.

2012-10-05T17:18:00.000-04:00

I love creativity and artistry. How could I not? I'm a writer... creating things is what I do daily. I was forwarded this picture from a friend and all I can do is laugh at the creativity.

(Thanks to @yasboogie for the share)

credit: [Tashabilities tumblr]

Breast cancer: Tutorial #1 (My chest scars)

2012-10-05T08:52:00.000-04:00

(a little map of my scars)

Alrighty gang!! Since its Pinktober, it occurred to me that it is a good time to go through a basic tutorial about breast cancer.

This will be the first in a series. I want to cover basic terminologies and give you guys an insight into my journey with breast cancer so that you understand just a little better what the pink ribbons really reflect. Off we go!

Wow... what are those scars on your chest?

Ha! This is what I imagine folks think when they see me wearing a shirt exposing my chest. No one has actually said this but I imagine this conversation in my head all the time.

I'm starting with a picture I took of myself while in chemotherapy. I usually post this picture as my profile picture on Facebook, just to show a little bit of what's behind the pink ribbons. In this picture you see three arrows and descriptions.

#1: The first arrow is pointing to a small-ish scar that is about 2 inches long. (just above the white thing on the left side). That scar is from the incision where my port was implanted.

(this is my actual port that was in my chest)

Definition: A port (or portacath) is a small device that is surgically implanted just beneath the skin on a cancer patient.

Chemotherapy drugs are very strong and can be very damaging to your skin and your muscles. By using a port, the chemotherapy drugs are administered directly into the blood stream. The port is connected directly to a major vein. From the patient's perspective, the port is easy and simple to use. It does not require any special treatment at all. You can bath and shower with it. The port reduces your risk for infection or burns from the chemotherapy drugs. The surgery to implant the device is relatively simple (I've been told) and does not require an overnight visit at the hospital. You're in and out in a few hours.

While getting my infusion one day, I noticed another patient with an ice pack on his arm while he was getting his infusion. I asked him what was going on and he told me that the chemotherapy was "burning". At that moment, I was infinitely thankful that my oncologist insisted that I have a port. Imagine that you're tired, weak and frail. Your chemotherapy infusion might take 5 hours (mine did). Do you really want to sit there for five straight hours feeling a burning sensation in your body? So... ports are wonderful and that is why I asked to keep mine and I hold it every now and then to remember.

So... what's that white thing?

#2: The second arrow (just beneath the port scar) is pointing to my picc line. Basically, its a really narrow tube that goes between the IV bag that holds the chemotherapy drugs and my chest. Its just that simple. I wish I had a picture of that jumbo sized needle that's sticking out of the end of that "white thing". Good gravy! The first time I looked at it, I nearly passed out. (laughs) But... that's what it is called -- a picc line. (pronounced like pick)

And there is a little shadow by the third arrow... that's a scar too?

(radiation burn -- I looked like this for weeks)

#3: Finally, I wanted to point out my radiation scar. I admit, that is not a good picture of it. Instead of calling it a "scar", I probably should refer to it as a tan. Because that's what it looks like really. But, considering that I still recall what it looked like immediately following the radiation therapy, I know that it is not a tan but is in fact a scar. It is a square area of skin -- approximately 6 inches square -- that covers a portion of my chest and a bit of my side underneath my arm. (previous post about radiation therapy effects)

When I took this picture, the scar was less than a year old. And it was still significantly darker than the rest of my skin. Today it is about 3 years old and guess what? It is lighter than it is in that picture (but not much) and is still significantly darker than the rest of my skin. (bummer) However, I regularly massage the area with vitamin E oil and shea butter so, the skin is supple and not hard. Some survivors struggle with hardening of that area.

So.... there you have it. The map key to understanding some of my chest scars and how they relate to my chemotherapy treatment. There are more scars and such. I will explain those in another tutorial. (smile)

What do you think? Have questions? Please feel free to ask. Drop a comment below in the comment section... and let's talk about the journey behind the pink ribbons.

PS. If you feel that this post was helpful, pass it on please. If you think that it could use some tweaking, let me know. :)

(smile! life is GOOD)

*Disclaimer: I have to make this clear. I am NOT a medical expert in any way. I am not a doctor, not a nurse, not a scientist at all. I am a survivor of stage 3a breast cancer. All the things that I describe in this blog are based on my experiences only. If you have detailed questions about your specific cancer experience, please seek trained medical assistance.*

It's Pinktober!!

2012-10-03T07:00:00.000-04:00

Okay... here we go again! Its Pinktober... also known as Breast Cancer Awareness Month.

Since my diagnosis, October has presented some emotional challenges for me. I seem to alternate between joy that I'm a survivor and sadness for the friends and family I've lost because we still don't have a cure. In the final days of September this year, I was extremely sad and somewhat despondent (at times) because I was just remembering the pain of what I'd been through. And I was ... I don't know... angry? sad? disappointed? All of that and then some other stuff I can't describe. Just a ball of emotions. *shrug* It happens.

A few weeks ago, I created a picture collage of me with one of my best friends who also battled breast cancer this year. [Breast cancer among friends] I was looking at this picture of us and I just choked up. But the silver lining is that we are both doing well. And for that I am truly grateful. :)

There are lots of ways to support the cause, lots of ways to celebrate survivors and pay homage to those we have lost. I have a few things planned (I'll tell you about them as the month goes along). But what about you? How will you spend this Pinktober?

8 things that breast cancer taught me

2012-09-24T00:53:00.001-04:00

I spend a lot of time alone and in thought. That's part of the price I pay to be a writer. I guess it is a good thing that I enjoy thinking, I enjoy me-time and writing brings me deep joy. I was recently looking through my "every day" journal and I came cross a notation I wrote to myself:

"What did I learn from this?" and "What did God want me to learn from this?"

I didn't have a date on the page so I'm not quite sure what project I was working on at the time but the responses I wrote down startled me. The responses were very affirming for me. I did not remember writing it down, but I was glad that I did. I am the kind of person who requires daily affirmation and positive support. DAILY! I am not the type of sister who can hear something one time and absorb it into my spirit and change. Reading that brief handwritten passage lifted my spirits.

There were 8 points listed -- hence the title of this post -- and I am sharing them so that you can understand that everything about my breast cancer experience wasn't bad.

Stop living in fear. (dramatic pause) This felt like a gut punch when I read it. Okay. So, nobody wants to have to go through this. In hindsight, I don't blame you. (laughs) But, in all honesty, as bad as it was I'm not sure that it ever lived up to my fears of it. And most importantly... its over now. Move on. No really. Move forward. On to the next thing. Life keeps on going and you should too. Another big scary thing could be around the corner but so what? Right now, in this moment... you are alive and capable. Stop letting the fear of what could go wrong keep you in hostage. On the other side of "what could go wrong" is... I DID IT! And believe me, it feels a whole lot better over here than over there.

You can handle more than you think. I have always considered myself a bit of a punk. Too soft-hearted (perhaps cowardly?) to handle some of life's really tough situations. I just felt that some people were better equipped for some things than I was. Now I know... that's some crap. I can handle anything that I decide I want to do. It may take more than one try. I may learn that I need more help (tutoring, studying, praying, etc.) to get the thing done. But I can definitely handle more than I thought. And that is an amazing feeling.

You have a support system. There were months (many, many months) where I simply could not do certain things for myself. It hurt my feelings so badly to feel so weak and pitiful. Everything I thought about myself prior to breast cancer was "I have to do this on my own" and "I am a strong, independent black woman". However, this journey has taught me that it was arrogant to always want to offer help but never be willing to receive it. People who accept help are not less than people who give help. Give and take is a natural cycle that requires both parts to work. I learned that a support system is vital to survival. I also learned that support comes in a variety of ways. I was supported physically by my family and very close friends. I needed them and they willingly stepped up and helped me. I will forever be grateful for that. But I was also supported emotionally via social media. My online friends kept my spirits up via email, twitter, and facebook. Using the tools of social media to connect with kindred spirits changed my life. I continue to be lifted by those friends and I do my best to lift others in the same way. Before breast cancer, I thought I had to fight every fight alone. I failed so many times, at so many things, because I did not realize that it is my support system that gives me the ability to fly.

Take care of yourself = take care of your health. Taking care of yourself means all of you. The complete package of who you are deserves support and care. I know that sometimes life's limitations cause us to have to make hard decisions. But choosing to care for yourself is a good idea all the time. As a woman, it is not unusual to put myself after others. Even non-mommies fall into the mindset that other people's needs/desires come before our own. Because of that, I struggled with feelings of guilt as I took very gentle care of myself during my recovery (and sometimes even now). But the reality is that sometimes you simply do not have the luxury of waiting until a more convenient time to deal with something. Breast cancer is not a "wait and see" disease. I had to learn that it was more than okay to take care of myself.

Trust your intuition. I have carried the fear about breast cancer in my heart for a long, long time. Just between us, I always figured that I would have breast cancer at some point in my life. Now, I did not imagine that it would be before I was 40 but I did suspect that it was coming. It would have been easy to ignore the lump I felt and to disregard it. I could have easily believed that I was too young for breast cancer and simply pushed the possibility from my mind. But, my intuition is a strong nag and she wouldn't let me go. Each time I met with resistance from any medical personnel who felt that I was too young, not a likely candidate, blah blah blah... my intuition nudged me to press the issue for another test, another look, another opinion... just in case that first look was wrong. I am glad that my stubbornness worked in my favor.

Exercise is important. I am not very athletic. I think it comes with the territory when you're sort of clumsy. Which I am. My clumsiness has been my excuse not to participate in sports and generally be non-athletic most of my life. What can I say? Always being picked last for neighborhood kickball did have some effect on my self-esteem. However, after I had my mastectomy and I lost the ability to lift my arm over my head or even to shoulder level, I changed my perspective. Exercise and physical therapy made a huge difference in my life. I still don't exercise as much as I should but I do lot more than I used to. I have no choice. When I don't exercise, my body rebels. Exercise IS important. I like being able to stand up straight, raise my arms and wear high heels when I want to. And now, in order to do those things, I have to exercise and stretch regularly.

Healthy eating is important. Wow. I have learned so much about nutrition and eating since this journey began. I don't eat horribly but I definitely can do better. Four moths of chemo totally changed my relationship with food. Some food is good for you. Other food is not. Eat more of the good. Less of the bad. Your body will thank you. My body tells me immediately when I've gone too far in the wrong direction. Sometimes it is annoying but mostly, it reminds me that I am alive and this body requires good fuel. I can live with that.

Health insurance is really helpful. Ha! (this was another gut punch) I don't really get into political conversation on this blog. I have a million reasons but they all come down to... I just don't want to talk about politics anymore. However, I thank God every day for having great health insurance when I was diagnosed. There were so many patients I met along the way who were paying out of pocket (have you priced one round of chemotherapy lately?) or who were on government-assisted medical care. A lot of people are afraid to check themselves or to see a doctor because they fear how much being sick will cost them. I can't lie. It is very expensive to be sick. I hear that being dead might be cheaper... but not as much fun as being alive.

Live, I mean really LIVE, while you can. Take care of you. Be good to you. And be fearless. Even if you have to take baby steps towards your dreams. That baby step is still a step.

Live.

I want you to join me on LiveStream, Monday night

2012-09-21T14:22:00.000-04:00

Hey! *waves*

I've been asked by the good people at GE Healthcare to share my breast cancer story via LiveStream on Monday night. I will be the first voice in their Breast Cancer Mosaic project.

*eek!* So exciting. Here is the link to the page:

http://breastcancermosaic.gehealthcare.com/bcm-talks

You can click the link right now... and see how the page looks. Its pretty cool. It has a countdown clock on it and everything. :)

The talk will take place on Monday, September 24th at 8pm Eastern time. And it should last about an hour. You'll get to see me (and my smiley face) live and in living color.

If you've been following the blog for a long time (or if you're family or friend) you already know this stuff. (smile) But, for all the new people out there who may have joined this trip mid-stream, you'll get to hear me talk about all the craziness that has been my journey with breast cancer.

I can't wait to tell you all about Fred and Ted and Jim. [And then there was Fred]
(if you know who they are... let me know in the comments section)

Now, you will be able to see me but unfortunately I won't be able to see or hear you. So, what I need for you to do is to get on Twitter and send your questions about the talk to the hashtag #BCMTalks.

Please, please, please.... be sure to use the hashtag. Otherwise, the team at the Breast Cancer Mosaic won't be able to let me know what you're asking.

I am super-duper excited and definitely nervous. But I am just thrilled to be able to let you into my world and share my thoughts about dealing with breast cancer. If you know someone who was recently diagnosed, please spread the word to them so that we can connect.

This LiveStream will be seen around the world... so its really important for me to know that I have a lot of positive supporters out there sending me good energy and positive prayers.

**hand clap**

So, that's today's good news. There's more coming... but put it on your calendar right now. No... I mean it. Right now. Move your cursor over and open up your calendar and put this on there. Now.

See you on Monday.

Ohhh... and if you aren't following me on twitter, my twitter handle is @MyFabBoobies. Or... just click here http://twitter.com/MyFabBoobies and then click follow.

Is My (or your) Cancer Different?

2012-09-19T11:00:00.000-04:00

I was contacted awhile ago by someone asking me whether or not I had heard of a website called "Is my cancer different?". I'll be honest... I had not. And with so much information on the internet about breast cancer and cancer in general... I wasn't too surprised that I had not. I read a lot bt I am sure that I miss a lot too. :)

And then I was looking through my over crowded inbox and discovered that I had been asked by this very same organization to be a part of their Founding 100 Bloggers. Okay, they asked me to join them oh... like sometime last year. (insert sad face for my overrun inbox) But I was very interested and wanted to know more. So, I did my due diligence and I checked out the site because the name of it caught my attention.

One of the very first things that my oncologist taught me was that everyone's cancer is different. Even though we may all have breast cancer, our treatments will vary because everyone's cancer is different. (Have I told you lately how much I think my oncologist rocks? Well he does!) In the early days of my treatment, Dr. S and I discussed just how different and individual my cancer was.

I'm not an oncology student and I cannot begin to tell you the ways that cancer varies from patient to patient. What I do know is that what may have worked for Big Mama, might not be good for you. Whatever treatment Mikey from the old neighborhood may have gone through for his leukemia, might not work for you and your breast cancer. And you know what? That's okay. In fact, its better than okay. Because what is designed for you is for your best benefit.

The site gives you a lot of good information that you can take to your medical team to discuss about your cancer and your treatment. Cancer is a really big disease. But your treatment needs to be very personalized for you.

Start here: http://www.ismycancerdifferent.com/

And talk to your medical team about how your cancer is different. Because it is as unique as you are.

Code Pink infographic

2012-09-19T08:00:00.000-04:00

We're getting close to Pink-tober. I always have mixed feelings about October because all of the attention on breast cancer can bring up a lot of emotions for me. However, I believe in promoting breast cancer awareness and I think that sharing the knowledge will help someone at some point.

This infographic is full of great information. I hope that you take a moment and check it out.

AND PLEASE CHECK YOUR BOOBIES!! :)

~let me know what you think of this graphic. Which statistic stood out for you??