Can I just go read my book?

Sweeter words were never spoken   That boy takes after his mother!

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At this rate, Santa will have to make room for the Easter Bunny before Christmas even gets here.  Or one on each end of the mall maybe.  Ridiculous.

Am I the only one that feels this way?

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When my husband and sons go camping, I rent a chick flick to watch by myself. It has become a tradition that on Friday or Saturday night, when I settle down to watch my movie, I have to call my husband – usually in the middle of a very fun campfire activity – and ask him to tell me, AGAIN, how do you work the dvd player. Yes, I am my mother when it comes to technology. I just very rarely watch TV, never TIVO anything, and the only time I control the remote is when I am home alone. How can I be expected to remember what to do when I only do it a couple times a year??

It’s quite the joke in my family, my kids think its a combination of hysterical and embarrassing. Today my husband decided to break tradition, and he showed me how to do it before he left. He not only showed me, he had me do it. 

So much for tradition.  I guess he really doesn’t want me to interrupt the smores again.

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We had company last week, my sister-in-law and niece came for the Halloween weekend.  I love it when they visit, my niece adores my sons and they adore her and their aunt.  Its nice to have more girls in the house!

This is the first year that my boys have not been too interested in trick or treating.  My oldest didn’t want to go at all, unless it was with his friends.  My youngest wanted to go, I could tell, but kind of felt like he is too old.  That problem was solved when my niece came, because she is younger and she wanted him to go with her. 

My oldest son decided to have a friend over on Halloween.  The only thing that makes this different than the millions of other friends that come over is that this friend was a girl.  I don’t want to give details or tell stories that are not mine to tell, but I will say that as much as I firmly believe 14 is too young to date, and my 14  year old will not be going on actual dates, I really liked her dad bringing her over, coming in to meet my husband and I, and having her here at the house hanging out with all of us.  That is how it should be.  It was so cute because my niece didn’t know what to think about it, she was just happy to have another girl here and  she kept finding reasons to “check on them”.  It was also extremely adorable to see how nervous my boy was when  he met his friends father – as he should be.  Of course, the dad was just as nervous, since it is his only daughter.  This is new territory for all of us. 

The only thing that surprised me was how I morphed into my lovely mother in law when his friend came over.  I asked that child probably twenty times if she wanted anything to eat, drink, candy, cupcakes, what would you like dear?  That is how my mother in law was when she first met me, and I could not make myself stop asking my son and his friend if they wanted food! 

I realize its already November 5, but even though I’m getting a late start, I am going to try to post every day for the rest of November for National Blog Posting Month.  I need to get back in the habit of posting regularly.  We’ll ignore that I’m starting late

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Nolan:  Do they neuter the animals in the zoo?  

Me:  I don’t think so, but why would you ask about that? (cause I want to know the thought process that led to this question!)

Nolan:  Well, I just wondered, because the zookeeper probably doesn’t want the animals entertaining themselves in front of the little kids at the zoo. 

Silence all around the dinner table.  Until I cracked up.  Who is that kid and what goes on in his brain?

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Suburban Turmoil -  Balance  Don’t we all need some of that?

Visual Thoughts – absolutely gorgeous fall photography by D L Ennis

Defensor Veritatis – Encountering Christ: The Homeless a beautiful random act of kindness

Simply Recipes  -  Quesadilla Pie recipe   This was a huge hit with my family and very easy.  I made two, one followed the recipe closely and the other I made with just chicken and cheese, for my pickier eater with an aversion to spicy food.  Both were a success!

Enjoy, and have a wonderful weekend!

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I was such a good girl, I was completely honest when they were asking me questions.  When they asked if I exercised regularly or was a couch potato, I resisted my urge to tell them that my tennis shoes are ten years old, do I look like I exercise regularly, and just said couch potato.  When I finished the treadmill test, the nurse said, well now you’ve got your exercising done for the day, I again resisted my urge to say “you mean for the month”! 

I am hugely relieved to have it done, even though I won’t get results for a few days.  I asked the nurse if the EKG showed any red flags, and she said no.  I asked if that typically correlated with the scan and she said she couldn’t say yes or no on that, it can go either way. The scan just shows so much more than the EKG, so that is the definitive test.  So I wait.  But I am calmer about it now that the test is over, and calm is definitely a plus when trying to keep your blood pressure down.

I appreciate the comments and emails with kind words, that really means a lot to me.  I have not been close to my family in the past, but as I get older, I’m finding mending bridges much easier than burning them, and I have managed to let go of a lot of resentment towards my family.  With this health scare, I have wanted nothing more than to call my mom and spill it all.  But I can’t.  Mended bridges or not, my parents are elderly and are not in the best of health.  My mom hasn’t been well for awhile, and she recently had to make her own trip to the ER.  I cannot lay this on her, not now and maybe not ever.  And as much as I love my husband, he is not a nurse or a nurturer.  He tries, and he is worried about me, but he handles stress like a fly hovering over his lunch; he just swats it away and goes on eating like it was never there.  He cannot wallow in stress or whatever caused it, he has to go on with a smile and act like nothing is wrong.  That is how he copes.  I cope, or don’t cope, by wallowing.  Rolling in my problems, moaning and groaning and insisting that life is doomed. (I heard you say drama queen!)  But I can’t look to him for coddling or babying.  Is it wrong to need that sometimes?

I’m going to baby myself for awhile.  Healthy eating, taking walks, and resting are on my agenda for the next few days. When I get the test results later this week I want to be ready to do whatever  I need to do, whether that is sigh with relief or get ready to kick it in gear and conquer this thing.

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I haven’t been feeling well for a little over a week.  My son had swine flu and while I knew I didn’t have it, I thought it was maybe just a cold or exhaustion from taking care of a sick kid. Either way, I had recently started some medication that my ob-gyn prescribed, and I was wondering if the medication was part of the problem.  I started calling her last Monday, but she wasn’t in the office one day, was doing ob stuff another, and didn’t call me back.  By Wednesday, I was feeling pretty bad.  No major symptoms, just headache, stomach ache and overall cruddy feeling. But Wednesday was definitely worse, so I went to the pharmacy and checked my blood pressure.  I’m not sure why I did that, because I haven’t had a bp problem before. But Wednesday it was 168/102, which registered as dangerously high on the bp machine.

I called my primary care doctor, of course he is not in the office on Wednesdays, but the receptionist asked another doctor who said I should go to the ER.  I did,  but by the time the triage nurse looked at me, my bp had either dropped or the machine at the pharmacy wasnt accurate.  It was down to 149/94, which is still high but the nurse said it would be hours before a doctor could see me in the ER so in her opinion, it would be fine to go home and see my doctor in his office on Thursday. So I did.

Thursday I got the only open appointment with my doctor, at 4pm.  I felt okay during the day. It was fall break so my kids were home, I took them for haircuts and to Target, and I wasn’t feeling too bad.

My bp was up to 160/94 at my doctors office.  That wasn’t his main concern though, he was primarily worried about the fact that my father had his first heart attack when he was 36 years old.  I am 40.  So my doctor did an EKG, and wasn’t happy with the results.  By then it was almost 5pm, and in the small suburban hospital connected to my doctors office, they only do heart stress tests on Tuesday and Thursday. He wanted to admit me right then, because he thought if he did that, there was a chance they would still do the stress test. No guarantee though, and he could tell I didn’t want to be admitted with my kids home and husband working late.  He said if it was life and death, he would not give me a choice, but in this case, it was up to me. I chose to schedule the test as an outpatient.  He did start me on blood pressure medication and told me if I started feeling worse to go to the ER.

The irony of all this is that we want my blood pressure to come down, but doctors and EKGs and blood tests only get me so worried that my bp stays up.  I spent the weekend resting for the most part, and by Saturday the medication was working - my bp was down to 139/84.  Much better. 

The bigger concern is the possibility of some heart blockage, which is why I am scheduled for a nuclear stress test tomorrow at 7am.  When I think about the test and the possible outcomes, I can almost feel my blood pressure rising. I can deal with medication and taking it easy and making any necessary lifestyle changes.  I cannot deal with serious heart problems.

Part of me is really pissed off that this is happening to me. I am 40 years young.  I don’t smoke, don’t drink and have recently lost weight. Why is this happening now! But on the other hand, a lot of this is genetic, and I have horrible family health history, especially with heart disease. I don’t exercise, and I do have a lot of stress in my life and don’t deal with it well at all. 

There is also the part of me that wants to curl  up with a blanket until the doctors make me better, and the part of me that wants to be a fighter and conquer this.  All that is going on in my head, and most of it is unsaid, because I’m not going to scare my family and kids.  I am afraid of the test tomorrow, but I need the test to be done, I need to know what I am facing.

I am praying and hoping that maybe the medication I just started is part of the problem with the blood pressure, and that we can adjust it and that will improve.  I am praying with all my might that there is no underlying heart problem.  Please hope for that with me, pray for that with me.

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This is a conversation I had with my 14 year old last night.  Background info: he does his own laundry, not because he is so helpful that way, but because mom got tired of the daily laundry requests.

Tanner: Is it too late to do a load of laundry? I need to wash whites.

Mom: I guess not, but don’t just throw in yours, throw in all the whites in the hamper. 

Tanner (after finding very few whites in the hamper): Do these gray shorts count as white?  (the shorts are white and light gray)

Mom: yes

Tanner (back with a few more things):  Do these black jeans count as white?

Mom:  shocked silence, absolutely nothing to say to that.  He was actually waiting for the answer though, so I eventually had to get up off the floor, stop laughing, and explain that NO, black  does not count as white.

Don’t you wish you lived at my house? The hilarity never stops. Just do not let my son do your laundry.

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My husband and youngest son are overflowing with self confidence.  They have no doubts about their abilities and are not concerned at all if someone doesn’t like them or how they do things.  I am so glad that at least one of my kids has that inborn self confidence.  My other son, not so much.  He’s like me, and we were born doubting ourselves and looking to others for affirmation that we are worthy. Or not.  And that is a sucky way to live.

Many of my personality quirks drive my husband crazy, but the self confidence issue is a big one, because its so contrary to his nature.  He doesn’t understand it. At times, he’s gotten downright angry over it, and rightfully so.  What really makes him mad is that I don’t just lack self confidence, I have a tendency to want to make sure everyone around me knows that there is a good chance I will fail at anything I try to do.  I downplay or don’t mention any accomplishments or successes, either mine or my kids.

For years I told myself, and him, that I just never want people to think I’m bragging.  Which is fine and good, but at some point, if you never tell people about the great things your kids are doing, your kids will stop thinking that anything they do is great.  I tend to go too far in that direction.  So no one will ever accuse me of bragging, but they also won’t realize that my kids are astonishingly smart and creative guys (like all children, yes).  I will not hesitate to tell anyone about a bad grade my kid got, but you’ll never hear about how well he did when he took the practice ACT in the seventh grade.  In fact,  you’ll never know he took it, because mama won’t mention that. That’s not fair to my kids, and I am trying to get better about acknowledging their achievements, because I am very proud of them and never ever want them to think I’m not.

If I downplay my kids gifts, I bury my own.  No one that I know in real life knows about this blog.  No one, not even my mom.  Weird, right? No one besides my husband knows that I am rocking graduate school (omg, did I just write that obnoxious sentence, what a bragger).  I knew I would, I love school and was so ready to go back.  Is it wrong to say outloud -I am doing good at school?  Very few people know I am in school at all, and many people would probably be surprised that I’m in grad school because they never knew I went to college.  I rarely talk about my life.

I’m breaking all kinds of personal rules here today, by talking about my issues and my achievements.  I keep so many things to myself, I actually had a friend get upset with me once because I didn’t tell her something that was going on in my life.  I didn’t mean to keep it a secret, I just avoid talking about me.  She rightfully was hurt, because as she said, she tells me everything.  I tell very little; I’m a great listener and a naturally quiet person, but there comes a point when that is not an acceptable excuse.

Lately my lack of self esteem has been the root of some discussions – not arguments, just discussions with my husband again.  I recently lost quite a bit of weight.  Well, not recently, because its been a long process, but its finally enough that its noticeable.  I am thrilled to no end about this, for obvious reasons but also because I was starting to feel 60 instead of my young age of 40.  My husband is thrilled and my kids have noticed and commented.  But no one else has noticed, or if they have, no one has said anything.  I don’t want compliments, with my esteem issues that would send me into hiding, but you would think someone would notice.  Especially those relatives who always manage to notice and comment on any weight gain. But nothing.

My husband explained to me that no one will notice because while I have lost the weight, I have not made any changes in how I dress.  I was forced to buy smaller pants, because mine were literally falling off.  For years my wardrobe has consisted of baggy sweatshirts, baggy sweaters, baggy t-shirts.  Key word, baggy – the bigger the better.  And I’m still wearing those same clothes, not because they look good, not because they fit, but because its what I’ve done for years and its what I am comfortable with. I’m not a psychologist, but I think this is a key point - I am very comfortable with not being noticed, in fact, I try to avoid being noticed.   Yet I wonder why no one notices I’m smaller?? 

I really need to work on this.  I annoy myself with it, because at 40, its time to stand up and be proud of myself.  Instead I am the queen of deprecating remarks.  If someone mentions grad school, I laugh and say something about how lucky I’ll be to make it through.  If someone says something nice about my kids, I’ll be sure to point out some of their bad behavior.  If someone says I look nice (gasp), I’ll point out my gray hairs.  I refuse to just accept compliments with a simple thank you.  It’s almost like I want to convince whoever gave me the compliment that they are mistaken, I’ve done nothing good at all.  What is it with me?

I don’t know the answer to any of this, because its how I’ve been all my life.  I want better for my sons, and even though my oldest is very much like me, he has enough of his dad in him that he is not as bad as I am.  And my younger son has confidence to spare.  If I could just take some of his.

Everyone is making “life lists”, things they want to accomplish in their lifetime.  Honestly, sometimes I have trouble seeing past this week, but I do know that I would like to have some self esteem, some self pride, and not always downplay the things I am good at.  Does anyone else have this same issue?  How do I get better?

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