Whenever I apply in person, I make certain that I am presentable, well groomed, no overpowering perfume, light makeup, and most of all, maintain a pleasant attitude.  That was the case last year, where I entered the nursery and politely asked for an application and completed it onsite. It took me all of five minutes as it’s a very short application. At that time, I was in a good mood, striking up a conversation with everyone I met, an attempt to showcase my “people skills.” When I turned in my application, I was given a brief 5-minute interview, mostly inquiring about my availability to work and whether I had any basic knowledge on annuals and perrenniels. I told them that I  was very flexible with my schedule and I personally maintain a garden at home that has a good mix of shrubs, plants and flowers, so the experience I gained was from personal knowledge. The lady seemed very pleased with my answers, and led me to believe that I would be hearing from them.

Two weeks go by. Nothing.

And now, they are hiring again.

I drive past the nursery every time I go to the gym (note: to the person who suggested I “take a walk” on Media Jobs Daily, I go to this gym 4-5 times a week, but thanks for the patronizing advice). Until yesterday, the one thing I did not want to do is go in wearing gym attire with my hair still partially embellished in sweat. But yesterday, I had a change of heart, because I am not about to drive all the way home and drive all the way back. With gas nearing $5 per gallon, I strongly felt that I shouldn’t have to waste any more gas than I needed to. So, after an intense morning of interval training and Zumba, I cleaned off as much as I could, hopped in the car and headed to the nursery. In my gym clothes.

Their sign reads, “Now accepting applications.” From my experience, just because an employer says they are accepting applications doesn’t mean they are actually hiring. Before I went inside, I placed last year deep in the back of my mind and took a deep breath, while hoping they didn’t mind the capri pants and sweat jacket. I went inside, determined. Then I decided I wanted to get right to the point.

“Hi. Your sign reads that you are currently accepting applications.”

“Yes, would you like an application?” The lady asks.

The skeptical bitch in me came out, it couldn’t be helped….”Yes but, does that mean that you are actually hiring?“

For a few seconds, the lady looked like a deer in headlights. I suspect that, to her, that was a  really dumb question, as if to suggest why would they ask for applications if they weren’t hiring in the first place. I guess she never heard of the common practice of employers accepting applications only to fulfill government obligations, and/or sneakily put applicants on a mailing list, which I’ve had that happen to me also.

After she got over her initial shock, she says, “Yes, we are hiring for seasonal help.”

“Great. I would like an application please.”

Once she gave me the application, I started asking questions about the job itself. We spoke for a couple of minutes, then I asked her if I could fax the completed application to them. She suggested that I could stay there and complete it, but I did not wish to do so considering that I am already uncomfortable with my attire and someone would get an unpleasant whiff of sweat as they walk by. No thanks. “No, I would prefer that I fax it back to your office.” I said.

I got a sense that the lady seemed intrigued, and not necessarily in a good way. As I was walking out the door, she asks, “Can I get your name?” The moment she requested my name, I heard a different version of her request: ‘Can I get your name so I can be on the lookout for your application and not hire you?’ In retrospect, I should have given her a fake name. Damn me and my honesty.

When I got home, I reviewed the application, paying close attention to the usual bullshit EEO statement. It states, “We are an equal opportunity employer, dedicated to a policy of non-discrimination in employment on any basis including race, color, age, sex, religion, or national origin.”

But nowhere does it say anything about employment status.

Any slim chance that I had getting an interview has all been thrown out the window based on that statement. I will complete the application and fax it to them anyway, because at least I can say I am applying and I am knocking on doors. I just hope they are not the type that ignore the doorbell and pretend they’re not home.

Here’s a preview of what our daily conversations will be like thirty years from now. Sa ba tay:

And when we do, we are automatically defaulted to the “angry” junk pile.

It seems I have managed to drum up a bit of publicity with the ever so accurate blog post that it’s about damn time that job seekers and hiring authorities alike start spelling résumé properly. That blog post contains a pingback in the comments from Media Jobs Daily, who did a colorful analysis on my own analysis and indirectly scorned me for calling hiring managers “a moron” and wrote me off as an “angry job seeker.” I am not surprised  by this reaction, nor am I surprised by the “generous” feedback that was provided to me in their comments section with the nurturing advice that I take a walk.

Well guess what……I took a walk today. When I returned, I pulled out my laptop and began my job search on Twitter. Everything was all ice cream and unicorns and coming up daisies. Then I saw this:

Suzanne Lucas doesn’t hire fat people

Miraculously, this article used the CORRECT spelling of résumé (hmm) but that’s about the only good thing going for it. The article did nothing more than further perpetuate the “angry job seeker” stigma and has pretty much reinforced my views with HR in general. As I went down the list, there wasn’t one bullet item that I haven’t blogged about in some capacity. The only items I thoroughly agree with is #11 (if you’re too lazy to research the company before the interview, you don’t deserve that job, and yes….you’re a moron) and #22 (really? Your mom?!). On the contrary, if you’re one of those hiring managers who practice #13, is afraid of person to person contact, can’t be bothered with reading cover letters, etc., then you don’t deserve that job and yes……..you’re a moron.

I honestly thought that my walk was going to reinvent me to a kinder, gentler job seeker. For that brief hour, I turned into that person that so many hoped I would be. Such beautiful things were not meant to last, and eventually returned to reality. The article on Yahoo is my reality, and there’s no escaping it. Outside of the ’99′ers, no one cares enough to confront these anomalies head on, but there sure are plenty of folks who will be the first to criticize those who speak against the disparaging rules of the corporate elite.

Perhaps this is where Charlie Sheen and I share a special bond. We are both gutter rats in a slowly evolving society that will soon incorporate cheesy greetings such as “Be well, John Spartan.” I don’t, however, have the nifty catch phrases like he does, all I do is tell it like it is. We are both considered outcasts in a seemingly endless rose-tinted society. I have thorns, and I’m not afraid to use them.

Don’t get me wrong, this guy is good…..real good. In fact, he is so good that he sounds too much like his predecessor. I guess the Cubs were not looking for originality on this one.

The the search for the Cub’s PA announcer  began somewhere around mid-February, after it was announced that Paul Friedman left for another position.  The Cubs decide to partner with Careerbuilder (who is actually part of the Tribune) to announce a casting call open to ALL fans. The following is a job description for the gig:

“RESPONSIBILITIES

This position is responsible for announcing all general Chicago Cubs information of interest to patrons of all sporting and events at Wrigley Field, including starting line-ups, in-game announcements, public address announcements, presentations, sponsorship announcements, contests, coming events, running commentary as needed (including limited play-by-play), official decisions of umpires or other officials, and emergency calls if necessary.

REQUIREMENTS/QUALIFICATIONS

• Strong vocal talent, excellent enunciation skills
• Strong public speaking skills and ability to speak extemporaneously to large crowds
• Strong knowledge of baseball
• Must be available for all Chicago Cubs 81 regular season home games, makeup games, tie breaker games, play-off games and non-game day events. Schedule includes nights, weekends, non-traditional hours and holidays, as needed
• Ability to work outdoors during periods of extreme weather
• Prior experience working as a Public Address Announcer in collegiate or professional sports (television or radio preferred)
• Interest in supporting Cubs’ community and charitable efforts a plus”

As you can see, they have listed that experience in some kind of broadcasting is required, not preferred. Rather than post this only at the likes of Columbia College, the Cubs decide to make this open to ALL fans. I wonder why that was the case.

The application process involves compiling a two minute video of the applicant reading three different scripts and tell a little something about himself. It was required to upload the video on Youtube and make it public for all to see for at least 2-3 weeks. That alone leaves a bad taste in my mouth. That tells me that they are looking at who is the most visually appealing, even though “must have admirable physical attributes” is not listed under their job qualifications.

In addition to the video, the applicant must complete a generic form that asks for name, phone number, and e-mail address, then answer questions why they are trying out and what kind of skills they could bring to the job. Then, they are expected to attach the link to their video at the end of the form and submit it to their black hole of cyberspace.

After about three weeks of possible humiliation, including some poking fun from the local television station (who is ALSO owned by the Tribune), 25 candidates were to be selected for the final tryout at Wrigley Field. The winner would be announced March 25.

As a Cubs fan and a major whore of Wrigley Field, I kept a close eye on this supposedly open casting call and see what kind of folks were trying out for the gig. Granted, there were some folks who left me to wonder whether they were really serious about trying out. Then there were others that left me to wonder if they were under the influence during the making of their video. I did see some that had a really good voice, but it was either too “TV” or too “radio” sounding. But I also heard some really good contenders, some are broadcasting hopefuls, who were academically trained for this type of role.

I never did hear anything about the top 25. There was no press, no hype of any kind. Come March 25, the winner was already announced. Come to find out, he had prior experience, even working with a minor league team AND in radio. My inner skeptic is screaming that he possibly had an inside connection, possibly connected to a cousin that works within the Cubs organization. Meanwhile, the broadcasting hopefuls dreams are shattered, heartbroken. Perhaps they thought they had a chance because, after all, everyone was an amateur at some point. Hell, Ron Santo had ZERO broadcasting experience, but he was the most loved Cubs broadcaster because he didn’t conform to textbook rules. He knew the game, he played the game, and added his own colorful commentary. Fans would mute the TV and listen to the radio just to hear Ron Santo. People loved him, because he was one of us.

The Chicago Cubs selected someone who fit the bill, and then some. I can’t help but wonder why they bothered making this a public casting call in the first place, unless the Cubs are trying to “reach out” to the fans so that they can:

a) momentarily forget about the increasing cost of ticket prices,

b) momentarily forget about the shitty management team, specifically the Cub’s poor choice for team manager,

or c) be distracted from god awful spring training, including the bitchfight episode, complements of Carlos Silva.

Whatever the case, it’s now back to square one. The Cubs home opener is this Friday and will also be the new PA announcer’s day to shine. I saw some really excellent contenders on Youtube. They, too, are Cubs fans. I only hope they do not get discouraged by this display of favoritism and be the “Ron Santo” of radio someday.

Stay tuned, my friends.

“This article implies sunshine and puppies, but the true reality is Amazon, Google, et al, will not consider anyone who doesn’t have an inside connection. Even then, the six-hour interviews are necessary, to be certain the candidate can fit in with the J Crew-cladded, Starbuck-obsessed company culture. I am willing to bet that Amazon will not consider anyone who has been a victim of the recession, i.e. unemployed for a lengthy period of time (it’s the latest rage with employers. Just ask Sony Ericsson).

I suppose I would be more interested in reading what recruiters use as criteria on what they THINK a good fit might be. But even then, I wouldn’t expect them to willingly admit they go by the “it’s not what you know, it’s WHO you know” philosophy and go with the typical pussification corporate jargon instead.

Amazon can safely assume that my résumé (please note the use of the acute accent….please RESUME) will not be lost in their black hole of their ATS.”

Given Google’s recent media blitz regarding their hiring spree, I remain a skeptic. Again, economists can brag about economic recovery all they want, but the classified section in my Sunday paper told an entirely different story.

I am starting to believe this may actually be true in today’s society.

Last week there was much discussion in regard to the affliction of paying student loans for years, or in some cases, for a lifetime, after graduation. It was a healthy discussion on a local radio station that was sparked by a recent comment by a notable individual (most likely a politician, but I can’t remember the exact quote or who even said it, but I caught on at the very end of this part of the discussion before they turned to the callers). The radio station turned to their listeners for their input, and wow, I was fully embellished.

One caller agonized over the fact that he is currently paying student loans for two kids post-university (both Big 10 schools) and currently paying tuition at another reputable university for his third kid. He mentioned that one school has a tuition of $50,000 a year. He is paying nearly $2,000 a month in student loans, with at least one kid still living at home. In addition, he has taken out an equity loan on his home because he was determined, come hell or high water, his kids were going to have the best education possible. He sounded like a proud parent  until he stated neither one of his post-graduate brats have a job to supplement their fancy edjumacation.

His story is all too familiar. Parents are willing to go to the poorhouse so that their kid can go to the most reputable school in the country. It makes sense. I suppose I wouldn’t mind exposing my kid to a diverse and comprehensive curriculum, containing courses that will be sure to refine our future leaders of tomorrow. However, if I’m willing to go to the poorhouse, I want something to show for it. Bragging rights and/or  a future son/daughter in law simply won’t do. Yes, I am demanding, but as with any investment, I want to see a return.

That doesn’t seem to be a huge concern with most parents today. They will not hesitate to capitalize on their bragging rights by saying their kid went to a Big 10 school. Not very many will admit if they had make a mistake. Not very many will say “NO” to their kids, because saying “NO” to their kids would mean saying “no” to the elite status they would gain just by sending their kids to that particular school. In a nutshell, it’s all about the status quo. $50,000 a year is a shitload of money to be spending on an acceptable and secure placement in society.

The recession has proven that even with an elite education, it is not a  guarantee for secure placement in the workforce, and it especially doesn’t promise landing the job of your dreams. I have touched on this topic before, stating that I am having a hard time believing why it’s worth it to spend a lifetime of savings on something that might be beneficial to landing the perfect gig over a proven method that does work (networking).  Believe it or not, I am not really against post-secondary education. I do have to wonder why it has to be at a Big 10, Ivy League school of sorts. A college education is a college education, no matter where you go. The fact that employers are partial to certain schools more than others reflects where their loyalties remain over the candidate’s initiative to continue their academic journey.

Alas, a Big 10 school sure is a nice place to find the “love of your life.” If only I had a nickel every time I heard someone say, “We met in college.”

Aw. How sweet.

I can’t help but wonder if parents today are that concerned with their child’s career path. While parents on the verge of bankruptcy for sending their kids to top schools, everything will work itself out once they run  off to marry their college sweetheart. In that sense, there is financial security, not only for the kids, but for the parents as well. Coupled with the approved status quo in society, it’s almost like they’ve just hit the lottery.

With the danger of states running out of money for student aid, it will become increasingly difficult to to continue the post-secondary journey. Scholarships will go only so far, and with the cost of living going up by the day, I wonder what it would take before a parent sees the bullshit with “big 10 college hype.” Yet, it has been drilled into our heads, by educators, employers, parents, peers, drinking buddies….the key to having a successful job is a college education. The better the school, the better the job because employers will take you more seriously.

To quote the late and great George Carlin, “It’s all bullshit…..and it’s bad for ya.”

I peruse the remainder of the application, and it looks like your basic application as it asks for education information, work history, etc. Then there is a brief questionarre that we’re all familiar with….”Have you been employed with this company before?” “If so, when?” “Have you worked under another name?” “May Dipshit Employer contact your current employer?” I was thinking, ‘okay, this seems pretty standard.’ But then my eyes suddenly came to a screeching halt when I read this:

“State what you did in all periods not already covered, including unemployment, part-time, or self-employment.”

Aha.

Masked under the illusion that you will be seriously considered even though you haven’t worked the last couple of years, this is the employer’s pathetic attempt to weed out the unemployed without repercussions of a public relations nightmare.

You have been warned. You’re welcome.

You make my heart sing

To the rest of the general, unemployed public, I am posting the most important video you will watch in your entire unemployed life at the end of this post. It is relevant because it shows that someone is finally on our side when it comes to the fight against against unemployment discrimination, and a U.S. Representative is currently introducing legislation to revise the Fair Employment Act to include unemployment status.

While recruiters and other human resource “professionals” are busy crowding the blogosphere with their whimsical nonsense on what they call “job search advice” and document how disrespectful job seekers can be, I have yet read  anything about their hiring practices. Enough with the bullshit about poor-written cover letters and résumés. Not every job seeker uses common sense……we know this. What we don’t know is why mostly everyone involved in the hiring process expects every job seeker to put their hand on the stomach and bark like a dog to be considered……..if they’re even considered at all!

Speaking of being considered, I neglected to mention that I have a tattoo. I’m Jewish, have a tattoo, AND I am unemployed. I guess that makes me a perfect candidate to rob a bank because there is no place for me in this society. When employers engage in unemployment discrimination, that is exactly the message they are conveying.

Unemployed Need Not Apply Here

In my feeble attempt to continue my academic journey after high school, I attended college with the hopes that one day I’d become the biggest ball-busting investigative reporter the world has ever seen. Six months into the curriculum and I’ve decided that there were bigger and better things out there that required my attention. College was a bust.

If only I stuck it out. Now, as I’m getting older and much wiser, I am seeing the bullshit all around me that I didn’t care enough to notice when I was younger. Though I have always been a skeptic at heart, now I feel absolutely no shame in questioning anyone of their practices.

Most of the time, I feel like I am alone in the questioning. With so much “creative marketing ploys” and propaganda in existence, why isn’t there more presence of investigative journalism? Are there any reporters out there who’s as pissed off as I am about what is going on in this country? It seems the answer would be a ‘no,’ considering that most news outlets/reporters have some sort of political bias, affiliation, sugar daddy, etc. Had I decided to stuck it out in college and got my dream gig, the world would most likely see things in a different light……starting with the beauty and skin care industry.

I recently purchased a tube of Clinique’s Sparkle Skin Body Exfoliater. When I used it, I thought, ‘this stuff reminds me SO MUCH of their 7-Day scrub cream’ which I also had nearby. I smelled them both, and they both smell practically the same. Then it occurred to me: is Clinique using the same basic formula and re-marketing it several different ways? If you are familiar with Clinique’s skin care line like I am, you will quickly notice that most of their crap is very similar in scent. Why do I have this sneaky feeling that Clinique used the formula for the 7-day scrub scream, used different granules and coloring and re-packaged it as the Sparkle Skin Exfoliater? Sure, I can go and read the ingredients, but I’m not a chemist. Unless you are a chemist, you wouldn’t know the wiser. By the way, I love how my skin feels after using the 7-Day scrub cream, all nice and smooth. The sales rep at Clinique told me that this cream deflakes all the dead skin cells and results in smooth skin, but I’m willing to bet it does no such thing.  I would bet, however, that there’s a built in moisturizer, and I just paid for a glorified moisturizer. I don’t really know any of this for sure, but had I pursued my dream of becoming an investigative reporter, I would make a trip to the Clinique manufacturer and spend the day with them, just to see how they formulate their products.

After Clinique, I would probably go to MAC Cosmetics next. Last year, I was purchased their face powder, when the rep suggested that I use this magical powder brush, and also fed me some sort of crap that it’s made a such an extravagant but customized way that I would be making a very wise investment. I declined, because I was convinced that I would find the same brush at a much cheaper price. And I did. Walgreens had the same exact brush for $7. I’m pretty certain it applies powder the same way the overpriced MAC brush does. As an investigative reporter, I would pay a visit to wherever MAC manufactures their brushes just to see if they are really worth what they are charging or if they are adding a 50% markup just to pad the CEO’s pocketbook.

After MAC, I would mostly likely pay a visit to Lancome and ask them why they think it’s okay to charge $80 for a neck cream that “promises to firm the neck area” when the crap doesn’t even work (but smells really nice). Some (employees of Lancome/Loreal) might argue that it must be used every day in order for it to work. If I pay $80 for a jar of glorified moisturizer, I want the shit to work RIGHT AWAY. While we’re at it, don’t re-package the same shit and call it “night cream” and charge $100 a jar. Again, I don’t know this for certain, but if I was an investigative reporter, I would spend the day with Lancome. I would want them to show me the entire process, from concept to the shelf, so I can see for myself how they justify their prices.

Devotees of certain skin care products may not care about overpaying, because it works for them. However, there are HOME-MADE skin care products that do the same thing, and may even have some of the ingredients at home. But, it does require a little manual labor to prepare, but the end result makes the “hard labor” all worthwhile. If you rather spend exorbitant prices for the convenience and the ILLUSION of whatever the product label says, I am left to believe that you love to be bullshitted and have no problems padding the CEO’s pocketbook.

I would eventually get bored with the beauty industry, and head on over to the speculators on Wall Street regarding gas prices (you KNEW I was going there). I probably would not leave until I get a confession out of any one of them that they are just really bullshitting. Yes, there is a massive upset in the Middle East, but were there any oil refineries set on fire that I didn’t know about? In addition, I would ask them if they are “speculating” that profits for the oil companies would double, possibly triple months the next two quarters (as they have in the past). Congressional hearings don’t seem to scare the CEO’s of oil companies, because they have time to prepare a bullshit-filled statement and members of the committee NEVER seem to ask the ever-so-important, ball-busting type questions. And America doesn’t seem to be outraged enough, because we are under the illusion that the Obama administration will investigate anyone who dares engage in price-gauging. Unfortunately, price-gauging has already occurred. Where’s the outrage? Where are all the investigative reporters, or are they all too busy immersing themselves in “tiger blood?”

Of course, I would tackle all other BS that America loves: corrupted politicians (why else would we keep voting them in), all of Hollywood and their “amazing bodies” (please Cher, if I had your dough, I would look way better and less plastic-looking than you. Everyone knows you’re an old hag. Same for you, Joan Rivers), the Food Network, with their fabricated “competition shows” complete with paid actors and/or top chefs would have paid a hefty price to advertise their restuarant, et al, and ALL charity organizations (yes….I AM GOING THERE) who claim they are all out for a cure (Susan G. Komen, you better not sue me), or to seek aid and relief for humanitarian purposes, but executive salaries tell an opposing view as far as where their loyalties really lie.

Though I am highly suspicious of all the items mentioned above, nothing gets me more suspicious than the job market itself. As an investigative reporter, I would meet with a corporate recruiter and interview them and have them describe what their typical day is like. I would then inquire about the application process, and why companies are so adament about applying online. Why is it common practice to post jobs online where the jobs themselves do not exist, and whether recruiters really DO call back candidates if they see a job that better fit the candidate’s qualifications. I would then place extreme pressure on whoever I’m interviewing, asking more pressing questions why recruiters choose to be rude and unprofessional to job applicants after they have interviewed for a role. The excuse of, “we just can’t call EVERYONE” doesn’t apply. We are not talking about online applications, we are talking about interviews. And even still, hand-typed and hand-signed bullets were the norm back in the unemployment heyday of the early ’70′s and ’80′s, and I’m sure it was not an easy task, but hiring managers wanted to convey the message of professionalism, which was important to them. Today, nobody gives a shit. As an investigative reporter, I would demand justifications why these folks don’t give a shit. Investigation of this sort goes on and on….recruiting firms, hiring practices, false reports of the unemployment index, claims of “the recession is getting better,” job and career coaches, and career summary writing services. Oh, the possibilities are endless!

All of this is a mute point all because I didn’t pursue my dream. Or maybe because I am not a pretty face like Anderson Cooper. The world listens to him because he is an attractive specimen, and I bet if he raises questions on the above issues, our country would take these issues more seriously. Since it is coming from a nobody like me, I am judged as an unemployed, clueless, whiny brat. Regardless, we need some major configuration with journalism of today. We need another fearless, Watergate-type reporter, who’s sole mission is to unmask the truth and educate the naive, or those who are unable to think outside the box. That is what I call winning.

If you’ve come this far, you deserve a reward. Here, I leave you with a segment from George Carlin’s last HBO special. Be sure to pay particular attention to where he discusses people’s inability to question anything anymore:

Fucking unicorns and how to avoid that job.

You’re welcome.