Personal Growth Web

A Lesson in Proportion

Ronit Baras — Sun, 15 May 2011 12:57:51 +0000

Life is not about what others give us but what we choose to take - Ronit Baras

Sometimes, the things we expect the least - both good and bad - can teach us the best lessons in life. Last month, I said to a group of 26 child leaders that in many things of our life, the important thing is not what others give us, but what we choose to take. When I said that, I did not consider the possibility of taking a lesson from others without any intention on their part. Two weeks ago, we learned a very valuable lesson from a good friend of ours. Tom, our friend, had never planned on giving us this lesson. In fact, if it was up to him, I think he would gladly not teach us this lesson at all because of the heavy price he had to pay for it. I hope that when you read this story, you will choose to take as much as possible from it. Remember, it is not about what I write, but what you choose to receive.

Life Before and After

"It was Saturday morning and we took the kids to a festival on the north side of town. Since we arrived early, we strolled through the nearby farmers' market and sat on the grass when the phone rang". This is how I would have written the beginning of this story prior to receiving that phone call. Here is how I would write it after the phone call: "It was a beautiful morning and we were very happy we could all go together to a festival on the other side of town. Our weekends in the past two months had been full of exciting and wonderful activities and we were all looking forward to some time together. We arrived early and decided to take a walk through the farmers' market next to the festival. We love markets. We stopped at a stand with lots of interesting kinds of tomatoes. We never knew there were so many different flavors and shapes of tomatoes. You learn something every day. At the entrance sat a man playing a guitar. The music was heavenly. We stood there to enjoy his playing for a while. From far away, we heard a woman singing opera, inviting people to buy eggs. She had a wonderful voice. When we approached her, we saw she was wearing a funny hat that looked like a chicken. It was so cute. "What a great idea", we told one another. We bought some fruits and vegetables. I told Gal we had wonderful kids and it was so much fun going to a market with them and seeing them happy and excited to buy fruits and vegetables. We met someone who had played African drums with Gal and Tsoof. He complimented Tsoof on his drumming at another festival and on the way out of the market, a stall holder admired Gal's (new) hat. We left the bags in the car and went to sit on the grass and enjoy the sun while Noff played at the playground. We had a lively conversation about moving to another state or country to study something we want to turn into a serious career and being independent. Suddenly, the phone rang". Can you notice the difference? Sometimes in life, we need a brick to be thrown at us to stop and enjoy every moment and store it in our memories. This time, a brick was not thrown at me at all, but I am determined to take all the lessons I can take from a brick thrown at someone else. On the other side of the line was another friend of ours. "Hi, Ronit, how are you?" "Good, Jay, What's up?" I asked, excited to hear his voice. Jay never calls like that over the weekend, unless he is in the area with his family and wants to tell us they may be coming to visit. "Listen, Ronit, I have some bad news". My heart skipped a beat. "Tom had an accident … ('Oh, no', I said to myself) … He crashed in a light plane … ('No, God, no, don't tell me, please don't', I thought) … He is being evacuated by helicopter as we speak … ('Thank God, he is alive', I was a bit relieved) … They are taking him to a hospital in Brisbane … ('Which one?' I asked in my head, but could not move my mouth) … He can't feel his legs ('S#@T! No, No, I don't want to hear this', my mind screamed) … He called me from the helicopter … ('What a relief, he can talk and he can move his hands') … I will call you in a few minutes to tell you which hospital he's going to. Can you please go there until I arrive? ('Sure, we are leaving straight away') … I will drive up now and it will take me a couple of hours to get there".

We sat at the hospital café and waited for the chopper to arrive, while trying to call Jay, who was on his way to Brisbane, to get some more information. Funny, but when things like that happen, you have the illusion that every piece of information may change everything. What can we do with this knowledge anyway? Tom arrived at the hospital about an hour and a half later. Since the kids could not enter the emergency room, Gal took them to another festival and I went into the emergency room with Jay to see Tom. Tom's neck was wrapped to stabilize it and the first thing he said was, "They told me I might have to sit in a wheelchair all my life". I wanted to scream. I do not think I cursed so much in my head as I did then. "Who is stupid enough to say such a thing? It's so frustrating to find out all those doctors and nurses, or whoever escorted him in the helicopter, understand so little about motivation, the power of the mind and positive thinking". I touched Tom's legs. He told me he could feel my touch, but all the way down his legs, he felt numbness. I massaged his legs for an hour, while he was in enormous pain and very angry and upset over the accident. From time to time, he said, "They said I might end up in a wheelchair", and Jay and I said, "You are going to walk. Everything is going to be fine. Think happy, healthy thoughts. You can feel your legs a bit now and things are only going to get better". Tom went over the accident again and again, repeating the same scenario and beating himself up over it. "I never thought it would happen to me", he said. Amazingly, this is the first thing people tell themselves. "Of course not. No one plans on being in a plane crash or they wouldn't fly in the first place. This is why it's called 'an accident'. It was an accident", I said to him. "Let go", Jay said to him, "Just concentrate on healing and walking. You need only good thoughts right now". A nice doctor came and explained to us Tom's T12 vertebra was smashed. "It's too early to say, but they will have to operate as soon as they have all the scans", he said. Thank God! Some facts without doom and gloom. The surgeon came after another hour. He had a cold and gloomy look on a face that did not move. "After watching so many people in the emergency room, you probably become numb to patients", I said to myself, trying to understand why he showed so little sympathy and emotions. The surgeon examined the X-rays and the scans. Jay and I had to leave and stand behind the curtain. When we came back, Tom said the surgeon had told him they would operate either that night or the next day and he had not ruled out the possibility Tom would end up in a wheelchair. Jay and I looked at each other in frustration. That man might have been a spine surgeon who had studied hard how to drive screws and attach metal rods to people's backs, but he did not realize at all that recovery starts after he finishes screwing his patient's back (no pun intended) and for the recovery, which takes a lot longer, the patient needs a strong, positive mind and a belief he can pull through! The doctor may be smart and experienced, but he definitely did not understand anything about the human mind. Dr. Almighty Surgeon, why do you not say, "I do not rule out the possibility of you recovering completely and walking again in no time"? Why look at the empty half of the glass? I kept massaging Tom's legs and used Reiki to calm and heal as much as I could. "If it doesn't help, it won't hurt", I said to myself. "What do you feel?" I asked Tom. "I feel that you love me", Tom said. "I do love you, Tom, and it's good you can feel it", I said. At night, they threw Jay and me out of the ward and we drove to my house to recover. They had not decided about the time of surgery yet. When we got home, I helped the kids to bed and we talked about how Tom's crash would affect our family. "So we are not going to the parks tomorrow?" "No, one of us may need to be in the hospital." "What about the Cooking and Garden Festival?" "We'll have to skip that too." "What's going to happen with the library books we need to return?" "We'll find time for that." "There are still 3 loads of washing to do. Let's do the one with the school uniforms for Monday. The other loads can wait." "Tom said he would be in the area on Wednesday and come to visit us. I guess he couldn't wait… Now, we'll be visiting him instead." "What's going to happen on Monday?" "I don't know. It's hard to think so far ahead." "Mom, Monday is the day after tomorrow." "I know, I know, but I'm finding it hard to think beyond tomorrow." "I need to get to the airport to bring Tom's wife on Monday morning." "Who's going to take us to school?" "Everything will be fine. One of us will go to the airport, the other will take you to school. Oh, I have a coaching session on Monday morning. OK, Dad will go to the airport." Then, my mind started racing into plans. "Gal has some things to finish on Monday. Bummer, Mondays aren't good days for extra stuff to do. If only the accident happened on a different day… Oh, never mind, nobody ever plans an accident. What's going to happen on Thursday? We need to go to an important event in the evening. Too long from now to think about it. So many things can happen until Thursday." We had a different pick-up time for Noff on Monday, because she had no dancing in the afternoon. "Mom, can you pick me up at 3pm on Monday? I want to come home early and play". "No, honey, I may not be here on Monday afternoon. I may be in the hospital." "Will Tom's wife stay at our place while she's here? I hope so. We'll invite her. Which room should we put her in? Eden said she was happy to give Tom's wife her room. I'm so proud of you Eden! Who will take her to the hospital every morning? We will, it's OK. We can do it in the morning when we do the morning drop off. It's only 10 minutes from our house…"

Why do we need to lose happiness to realize we were happy before? - Ronit Baras

The more we talked, the more we realized how inconvenient accidents were. Funny, whenever there is a major disruption to our life, we attempt to restore order by dealing with lots of small things and view every small thing as very uncomfortable (although the main damage may have been caused to someone else). Why is it that we realize how comfortable our life used to be only when we lose this comfort?

Lessons I have learned from just 8 hours of my life

Although Tom's accident was a random thing that entered my life, I have chosen to take great learnings from the first 8 hours after it. Here is a summary:

I should get up every day and say "Thanks to my body for functioning perfectly, so that I can use every organ in perfect order and that every cell knows what to do" and I should not take this for granted.
Some doctors know very little about motivation and the human spirit. I need to take care of myself and my kids in such a way that I never have to use them. Some doctors are angels and may save your life. I wish that when you do have to get the help of a doctor, it will be the right one.
Remember health insurance. Be happy to pay it every month and say to yourself, "I'm happy to pay this money and hope I never use it". It is better to pay than to have to deal with yet another big problem when you need to concentrate on getting better.
Letting go is essential. There is no point going over what you could have done the second before your accident again and again. If you could, you would have, but you could not and that is it. Guilt feelings are poison. When you need to fight (for health, for wealth, to overcome tragedy or to mend a broken heart), do not poison your mind. I heard others asking again and again what had happened that had caused the accident and realized that while listening, my mood, my motivation and my energy dropped significantly (and I did not even have to recover from any injury).
Let go of blaming others because blaming is past oriented focus and drains your energy. Although it is tempting to blame others in hope to ease your load, it will not change what happened and it is a heavy load to carry long term. Whenever anyone talked about what the other guy who was in the plane had done, I felt like my body was getting weaker from the negative emotions.
Life is full of tests. Some tests are small and some are big, some are easy and some are hard. Some seem unfair and painful. The difference between people who pass the tests and those who do not are whether they have the courage to show up and sit for the test, whether they aim to pass or excel and whether they are willing to do whatever it takes to pass the test. "Shoot for the stars, even if you fail, you will land among the stars". Aim high!
Stay positive. We are not fortune tellers, so we cannot tell what might happen to us. And if we do not know anyway, it is better to think positively. Look at the full half of the glass. Tom could have died. He could have drowned (because the plane crashed into a creek). He could have hit his neck and been paralyzed completely. He could have tried to move by himself instead of waiting for the paramedics to rescue him and made more damage. There is plenty to be grateful for.
I learned that Jay, who was Tom's best friend, was awesome and inspiring. He was very positive and every time Tom's energy dropped, he said, "You will fly a plane again". I have known Jay for over 4 years and thought he was future oriented, but this was a live demonstration of walking the talk. A day later, when Tom was being taken to his surgery, we walked behind him and when they closed the door behind, Jay shouted to Tom from the other side, "Think positive, Tom, just think positive". I learned that Jay was an inspiring person.
Kids are kids. Even when big things happen, they are still preoccupied with their daily routine. This is fine. If they are worried, tell them, "We will do all we can to make things work". It is not an illusion. It gives them a good belief that motivation, dedication, determination are factors in any success and in overcoming any challenge.
Good friends are precious assets. I am honored to be Tom's friend. Tom did the same thing when he heard about Gal's cancer and came with his wife to visit us. I remember us sitting at a restaurant the week after Gal's surgery with Tom and his wife with Gal's head bandaged all over. It sure helped Gal's motivation to be "normal" again. I am happy that I get an opportunity to show my love in return, even if it is sad that I need to show it under such circumstances.

Life turned around just after the phone call. In just 8 hours, without anything happening to me, my life shook and I needed lots of faith and positive self talk to remind myself I was no help when I was in panic and that everyone around Tom was going through a test too, a test of friendship and of courage. On my Facebook page, I wrote: "A good friend of ours crashed a light plane on Saturday. He cannot feel his legs. We need to practice what we preach so much now" Life is a card game - you never know what cards you will get - but I believe I have the power to make the best of the cards I receive and so do you. A second before you started reading this, you did not know what was you were going to find, but now that you know, you have the power to make the best of your new knowledge. Remember, it is not about what I write, but what you choose to take from it. Wishing you health and happiness, Ronit

Original post: A Lesson in Proportion

Starve Your Anger

Ronit Baras — Mon, 11 Oct 2010 03:33:38 +0000

Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else. You are the one who gets burned - Buddha

On my moms' refrigerator, there is a quote. My older sister put it there many years ago and it stayed. Every time I visit my parents and open the refrigerator, I read it. It says:

When you get angry, you punish yourself for other people's stupidity

I remember myself being very angry as a kid (surprisingly, this was before my teen years). Life just did not work the way I wanted it to work - people did not behave the way I expected them and my actions did not get me where I wanted to be. Life pretty much sucked (I hope it is OK to say "sucked" in a post, because it explains how I felt perfectly). It took me a while to understand what this quote meant, but when I did, a huge, heavy load came off my young shoulders. Realizing that anger was a poison I was carrying with me was a big revelation - scary, but very relieving. My life has been much happier since.

He who angers you conquers you - Elizabeth Kenny

On my life coaching journey, I meet many angry people. Angry, disappointed and frustrated that most of the time, those feeling are reflect by their relationships, their health and their level of success in life. One major rule in teaching happiness is that the space inside is limited to one of them only and you have the power to choose.

For every minute you are angry, you lose sixty seconds of happiness - Ralph Waldo Emerson

There is a beautiful story I love to tell that explains in a wonderful way the power of that choice. It is the story of the two wolves. I hope you find inspiration in this story the way I do.

Two Wolves

One evening, an old Cherokee told his grandson about a battle that goes on inside people. He said, "Grandson, the battle is between two wolves inside us all. One is Evil. It is anger, envy, jealousy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority, and ego. The other is good. It is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion and faith". The grandson thought about it for a minute and then asked his grandfather, "Grandfather, which wolf wins?" The old Cherokee replied, "The one you feed".

The two wolves are there when you look for a path in life. The two wolves are there when you fight your kids' behavior. The two wolves are there when you need to make a choice. The wolves are there when you relate and communicate with others. The two wolves are there when you consider trying something new. The two wolves are there when you come home in the evening. The two wolves are there when you look at yourself in the mirror. Which one will you feed today? Ronit

Original post: Starve Your Anger

Winners and Losers

Gal Baras — Fri, 04 Jun 2010 04:41:17 +0000

I like to walk around our beautiful neighborhood in the morning. It is one of the things that make me happy. I do it to warm up my body and mind, get my creative juices flowing (into the voice recorder on my mobile phone) and be ready for another great day. About half way through my walk, when I was already going at a good pace and feeling pretty pumped, I saw a young Chinese woman leaving one of the houses and saying goodbye to a young man standing on the doorstep. Suddenly, the young woman noticed a bus at a stop about 200 meters away. She became visibly uptight, her pitch rose and she looked like she was asking the young man what to do (as I do not speak Chinese, this is all my interpretation). The man gestured towards the bus and looked like he was urging the woman to run for it and try to catch it. She kept pleading with him until he joined her and they started running toward the bus stop. By the time they decided to run and crossed the street, I had been half way to the bus and it was still there. There were no passengers in sight, its doors were closed and it kept waiting. I looked over at the young couple running on the other side of the street. She was running half-heartedly, as if she thought the bus would surely drive away before she caught it. He was just running alongside her, slowing himself down to her pace to support her all the way. About 30 meters before they reached the bus stop, the bus pulled out onto the road and drove away. By then, nearly 2 minutes had passed and would have caught the bus easily. This was someone else's business until Eden came home from the university in the evening and told me another bus story (Coincidence? Serendipity? Quantum attraction?). Eden's Philosophy class typically ends at 8:50pm, after which she walks to the bus station and catches the bus home. That evening, the class ran a bit longer and only finished around 9:10pm. As she was walking towards the bus station, Eden saw her bus already standing there. She said to her friend, "Hey, that's my bus". Her friend said to her, "Go ahead and catch it". "Will you be OK?" asked Eden, because it was that time of night. "Sure", said her friend, "Go for it". Eden sprinted towards the bus and reached it panting heavily. As she got on, the driver smiled at her and said, "You're lucky you caught me. This is the last bus for today". Eden had not known it, but the buses are scheduled according to the normal end time of class, 8:50pm, which leaves plenty of time for the students to make it to the station and board their bus home. Still, when she saw the bus, she ran for it with everything she had. The way I see it, this sums up very nicely the difference between winners and losers and presents a lesson every parent should be teaching every child repeatedly:

Nobody knows for sure what will happen in the future. Losers live their life as if they have already lost and give up. Winners live as if they are certain to win and give life all they've got

On a personal note, I was happy my own daughter was showing winning attitude. I would like to believe she got it from Ronit and me, but what I told her was, "Eden, it's funny you've told me this story. Do you know what happened this morning?" And I told her about the other young woman. If there had been even the slightest doubt in her mind that evening when she had decided to run for the bus, I hope my story helped her choose to give life all she has got every time. Have a winning day, Gal

Original post: Winners and Losers

I See Good People (and you can too)

Gal Baras — Fri, 28 May 2010 01:29:15 +0000

In our time, pressure seems to be everywhere. There is a wealth of information like never before, which means we could find out about anything we wanted, only this takes time, so we look for "drip feeds" that will give us up-to-the-minute updates and we assume our sources do a reasonable job at finding and telling things as they are. Reality is a bit different, unfortunately. Most of our information feeds are controlled by a fairly small group of huge profit-driven conglomerates, which make their money by selling. To sell well, they need people to "see red", so they inspire fear via TV news broadcasts, bold newspaper headlines and various other methods. The result of this is the general view that violent crime is everywhere, that different people cannot live together in harmony and that all too often, the only way to sort things out is to wage war on another ethnic group or country, even at the cost of "friendly" life. Ronit and I have lived with our kids in a number of places around the world, where there were different cultures, different languages, different food and different climates. We have lived in Arlington Texas and Sunnyvale California in the USA. We have lived in Thailand and in Singapore. We have lived in Israel and in 2 big cities in Australia. We also traveled to many places, including Mexico, France, Philippines, Korea and China. When we arrived in each one of these places, we naturally focused on the things that were unfamiliar and strange to us, because we needed to get used to them in order to be able to live comfortably. We noticed the local clothing, the local rules of driving, the style of the local buildings, the local manners and the local money. But after a while, once we have settled in, all we could see was people - human beings, just like us, who get up in the morning, work for a living, have a family, care for their elders and sometimes struggle with life's mysterious ways. We noticed couples holding hands and smiling at each other, kids running around screaming with excitement and parents looking worried when their child climbed too high or went too far away. We heard complaints about parking being hard to find, the ever rising price of fuel, the unpredictable economy and the distrust of politics. We saw women searching frantically for something in their purse and men panicking as they notice the time. We joined families as they watched big shows and played in the playground. Everywhere we went, we saw good people. Now, some people find it hard to spot the good people and I think I know why. You see, by design, our brains interprets anything that looks, sounds or feels like us as trustworthy and good, because it affirms us. By the same design, we become suspicious of things that look, sound or feel different to us. The problem is there are sometimes obvious things that look different, while the similarities are harder to find and require effort. One of the things I have said to many people many times is this:

The more you know about another person, the harder it is to judge them. If you knew everything about them, everything they did would seem like the best thing to do and the obvious choice. Being them, you would do exactly what they do

Ronit and I have immersed ourselves and our kids in other cultures and gradually understood more and more of their customs. People who live in the same culture all their life (especially in the same place) and receive filtered information about other groups and other places are not likely to find that understanding. When they bump into people who do things differently to their local custom, they suspect them and protect themselves against their influence. In many places in Europe, the population is rapidly becoming heterogeneous, especially since the Soviet Union was dissolved and the European Union was established. In the USA, over 1.1 million people became permanent residents in 2008 alone and over 4.4 million from 2005 to 2008. Australia is a country of immigrants. Of nearly 24 million residents, over 4.4 million (18.3% of the population) were born outside of Australia, mostly from non-English speaking countries. In 2008, 1½ times more people were added to the population of Australia through immigration than through birth. Looking back 3 generations, most of the Australian population came from somewhere else and many still retain their original culture to some extent. Lots of people now work with colleagues in other countries. Many serve clients in other countries or purchase from suppliers in other countries. Unfortunately, not a small number of people have lost their jobs to people in other countries. It is becoming increasingly difficult to "stick to your own", isn't it? If you think about it, it is going to be far more difficult for your kids! So what can you do? Whenever we go out to events with a large crowd, I like to play a little game with myself (if you are smiling to yourself now, please stop it and stay focused). I choose a person, a couple or a family and make up a story about them. I watch them for a while as they move around, touch things, speak, gesture and interact with other people. Then, I imagine what it might be like to be them. When I see a couple with stern faces who hardly talk to each other, I imagine how they got up in the morning and had a fight. When I see a little girl crying and her father comforting her, I imagine she fell and got hurt or wanted to buy something and was disappointed. I ask myself, "What may have happened for this person to behave like this?" I try to put myself in their shoes, or rather their emotional state, sometimes by matching their body language or facial expression. I try to BE them for a second. Some of these people are black, some are Muslim, some are Asian, some are big, some are thin, some are short, some are sunburned, some wear sandals, some wear fancy hats, some are old and some are bound to a wheelchair. I really don't care. To me, they are all people. Good people. In my imagination, they feel scared, they feel happy, they worry about their relationship with their spouse or their all-of-a-sudden opinionated teenager walking around looking too inviting, they give up chatting with a friend to push their toddler on the swing, they wonder what others might be thinking about them and are surprised when a stranger (guess who) smiles at them a big smile of understanding and identification. Often, I share my stories with Ronit and the kids. I think it is important for my kids to see good people, because they are everywhere, but they are so easy to miss. I believe that for our world to be a good place for my kids to live, they have to see the good people in it and in doing so, they will become good people too. What about you? Gal

Original post: I See Good People (and you can too)

Feelings are Things

Gal Baras — Wed, 19 May 2010 04:23:21 +0000

I am not a shy person, but I am digital and having too many people around and too much going on used to stress me quite a bit. This is why I was happy to bump into a lovely book called Be the Life and Soul of the Party - Socialising for Success. But this post is not about parties or being the life and soul of them. It is about managing emotions. Specifically, it is about getting rid of negative feelings that seem to haunt us and get us into trouble often. As a partner, a parent and a person, it is likely you find yourself in familiar situations, feeling the same familiar feeling and wondering how you got there. It may be as you walk in the door after a long day at work. It may be when some misunderstanding with your partner or your (teenage) child quickly escalates to an unpleasant exchange of verbal blows. It may just be when you look in the mirror. The book explains that all negative feelings are some form of fear and that fear is a defensive feeling aimed at protecting our self from being hurt. Some part of us recognizes certain words or behaviors as a form of attack raises the alert by creating this protective feeling. The thing is, the "attack" pattern may have been saved in our mind when we were little and certainly in a particular context, both of which are longer in effect. However, our reaction is a subconscious one, which means there is no time for logic, but also that to get rid of this type of reaction we must "talk" directly with our subconscious (this is called Neurolinguistic Programming or NLP).

How to let go of a common negative emotion

Recall a common unpleasant feeling you would like to stop having
Think of a "thing", an object, an animal or even a natural phenomenon that this feeling would be if it had physical form. Imagine it right in front of you. What would this "thing" look like, sound like, taste like, smell like and feel like? Is it heavy? Is it light? Would you touch it?
Ask the "thing" what it is trying to protect you from and what its positive reason is for being with you so intensely for so long.
Let the "thing" reply. You may see, hear, taste, smell and/or feel the answer, so be patient and attentive to the answer.
Thank it. Give appreciation to the "thing" for being there with a positive intention.
Find some aspects of the "thing" that are appealing to you - its color, its voice, smell, taste, texture or movement.
Your "thing" may now change its shape and other attributes. If not, keep talking to the "thing". You can use any tools or imaginary aids you like to get closer to your "thing" and develop your mutual understanding. Continue in a playful way until your "thing" has changed its form into something pleasant or completely disappeared.
As this is in YOUR mind, any outcome that appeals to you is good. This process is complete when you feel comfortable returning to your daily life with the confidence that your original emotion has either gone away for good or become something you would like to keep.

I was so excited about this, I nearly exploded. Right away, I decided to work on the feeling most common for digital people - overwhelm. First, I imagined my feeling of overwhelm as a very large octopus. I did not count the arms, but there were probably more than 8 there. It was big, it was dark, it had huge bulging eyes, it was frowning, it had a shoe box in each tentacle (which I knew was something I had to do) and it kept moving all the time. I felt very overwhelmed. When I asked the big octopus for the good reason it was there, it became quite a bit shorter and its expression changed from menacing to compassionate. It said to me in a soft voice, "I'm desperately trying to keep track of all these things for you, so you can focus on doing one task at a time and doing it well. Have I not been doing a good job?" Then it sort of deflated a bit, shrank to my own height and move closer to me, looking self conscious. "Would you like me to leave?" it asked timidly. "No, it's OK", I said, "Why don't you just keep all this stuff somewhere else?" "Sure", the octopus said happily and then turned around, grew roller skates on 2 tentacles and skated away into the darkness. I felt great, knowing I was being watched over by my friend the octopus, who was keeping my to-do list tucked away for me. My body relaxed and I smiled to myself and ran to tell Ronit and Eden. Being you, your "thing" may be completely different. Being you, your imaginary negotiation with the "thing" may be completely different. Either way, give it a try. You will feel great afterwards and your life will change forever. Of course, once you get the hang of it, it will be nice of you to share it with your partner and with your kids (friends and family may come a bit later). Kids have few inhibitions imagining things, but they already have things that bother them repeatedly. Unlike many areas, imagining can be easily done without words, so kids are even better at it than adults. However, kids may not be able to "spot the troublemaker" yet, which is where you can help them greatly. Say one of your kids displays miserable behavior often or throws temper tantrums. You can suggest to them to play an imagination game with you, in which you guide them through the steps above. They do not have to tell you what they are experiencing, but if they do, would you please come back here and tell us about it? Happy life, Gal

Original post: Feelings are Things

Projection

Gal Baras — Tue, 11 May 2010 05:18:30 +0000

Picture yourself sitting in an old cinema all by yourself, watching a movie. Turn your head towards the back wall and see there a big window. Behind the window, there is a projection machine. In that machine, a long, wide film is running, a film you have created. A strong light travels through the film towards the screen. You can see the beam of light getting wider as it travels through the air, showing flickers of colors and movement inside it. Follow the beam of light with your eyes as it keeps on going and getting wider, until you are facing forward and looking at a huge screen, which practically fills your entire fields of vision. As you look, you become absorbed in the movie, finding yourself emotionally attached to some of the characters, fearing some of the others, hating a few and getting carried away with the story. Real life is very much the same. We become absorbed in our own story, which we project onto the world. When we interact with other people, we each look at our own "film" and can get into all kinds of trouble. What?! Well, our beliefs are like film. Once we have them, they tend to just stick with us and shed different kinds of light on different parts of our life. For example, if we have a belief we are not good enough, this will cast a dark shadow on all of our successes. Realistically, we can always find something to improve. Even if we got an A+ on an exam, we can tell ourselves we are not done with school yet. Even if we have great primary-school-aged kids, we can tell ourselves we might have problems when they become teens. This way, we remain not good enough. On the other hand, if we have a belief we are friendly and social, this will brighten up every human encounter for us. No matter what someone says, we will quickly find something good about it or use the opportunity to be nice to that person and make the interaction more positive. Either way, we remain friendly and social. Here is a story to illustrate how this works. In my circle of family and friends, I am famous for troubleshooting computer problems. I know a fair bit, I like the detective work involved, I have the determination and I like to help and make people happy. So from time to time, I get calls for help with someone's computer. Unfortunately, many of them are too far away, which means I cannot see what they are doing and I must rely on them to do as I say and be accurate in their description of what happens at their end. One day, Ronit's sister Ora called with a problem. Full of enthusiasm, I started asking her to check different things, until she gave me an answer that did not make any sense to me. I asked her again to do the same thing, but she could not find the buttons and details I was talking about. After a while, I asked her what she was looking at and realized she had not done exactly as I had said and was looking at a different window than the one in my mind. I backtracked and we kept going from where she was, but inside, I felt she did not trust me enough and was trying her own troubleshooting instead of doing exactly as I said. At some point, she again told me things that made no sense. I am not very proud of the next bit, but I poured my frustration on her. In the end, we worked out the problem, but both of us were left feeling badly, although I had helped her and her problem had been solved. To let off my steam, I asked Ronit to walk with me around the block and told her I felt her sister had not trusted me. Ronit, who had witnessed the whole conversation, surprised me by saying, "If you go over what happened again, you'll see it was you who didn't trust Ora". I nearly blew up at that, but being the open-minded person that I am (what a great belief to have), we retraced the interaction and I realized I had indeed assumed Ora had misinformed me of things or done the wrong thing, but I had also made mistakes and could have interpreted her actions in other ways, which Ronit was able to do. Ronit then summarized it for me by saying, "You see yourself in the world around you. You could not trust another person, so all you could see is another person not trusting you and another person who could not be trusted. Had you looked at the same situation without the suspicion, things would have turned out differently". This is how projection works. There is a proverb that describes it very nicely, saying, "A camel can only see the other camels' humps". There are many things involved in projecting - communication styles, love languages, beliefs, values and needs - but a critical one (and a hard one to overcome, unfortunately) is interpreting everything from our own point of view at the center of the universe. When we do this, people do things to us, for us and against us, when in fact, they do everything to benefit themselves. Here is a quick exercise you can do to notice your projection and possibly overcome some challenges by changing it. I would suggest doing this privately and with your eyes closed in a quiet spot first, when you are nice and relaxed, and trying to do it as things happen later on, after you have had some practice. Think back to a heated conversation you have had lately, which has left you confused and irritated. Go over it step by step (to the best of your ability) and do the following:

Start with a frozen picture of yourself and the other person at the beginning of your argument
Leave your body and stand outside the discussion space
"Play" you or the other person saying a sentence or expressing an idea
Freeze the picture
Examine the your body language and facial expression
Examine the other person's body language and facial expression
You may already have a glimpse of the difference in each person's feeling and point of view, but if you do not, float into that person's body, associate with them fully and see the world through their eyes for a bit until you feel the understanding sinking in
"Play" the next step
When you are certain you have gained enough understanding to do things differently next time, float back into yourself, return to here and now, take a deep breath, smile and slowly open your eyes

As a parent, of course, the other person is likely to be your partner, but may very well be one of your kids. When you try to associate with your kids' feelings, remember that young kids generally feel small and helpless and teenagers generally feel confused, overwhelmed and inadequate. Also, kids do not fully comprehend everything you say. Another good projection exercise is to ask yourself, "Where have I felt like this before? Do I feel like this often?" If the answer is "Yes", ask yourself, "When was the very first time I felt like this?" Our past experiences, most often from our childhood, play in our minds repeatedly like well-rehearsed stories. They are so familiar to us, they seem to be the only way to behave, but they are not. Obviously, when you feel good with something, the more you do it, the better, but when a familiar scene makes you feel bad, just noticing it may already break its automatic nature and make you aware. Again, find a quiet spot and some quiet time, close your eyes and revisit the very first time you experienced the unpleasant chain of events. Analyze it by looking at it from the outside and from each participant's point of view, noting how different things were from here and now. When you are certain you have learned enough to break the repetitive story, come back to the room, breathe deeply, smile and slowly open your eyes. I would love to read your experiences with these little imaginary adventures. Please come back and share when you have done one or two. Live in a loving world, Gal

Original post: Projection

Hitting Rock Bottom to Succeed

Ronit Baras — Sun, 13 Dec 2009 23:42:58 +0000

At the end of high school, my teen daughter Eden took a personal development course for teenagers and came back very disappointed. In a two days workshop, every speaker talked about hitting rock bottom before finding the light and that light, for some reason, was a way to make money. She paced back and forth and stormed, "I never see myself not having money for food or sleeping in my car because I have no home to sleep in. I never see myself without a family to support me. All I got from these presenters was that I must get very low if I want to be successful, which means I'll never be successful. What kind of motivation technique is this?" I said to her, "I'm sure that's not what they meant" and tried to convince her to find something she could still learn from her experience, but it was no good. 4 years later, I think this course has done more damage to her attitude than I thought initially (although it may still contribute to her personality and attitude towards life in a positive way). Yesterday, at dinnertime, Gal told the kids about Steve Jobs' famous speech at a Stanford graduation. We had talked about this speech before, but this time, Gal told the kids about Steve Jobs' adoptive parents, his 7-mile walk to get a meal and how he had collected 5-cent coins by returning coke cans and sleeping on the floor in friends' rooms. For a while, Eden listened and asked question, but as soon as Gal started talking about Steve being so poor, she switched off. 4 years after her loud confident protest, Eden protested again. You see, Eden is now 20 years old. She has a diploma in Event Management, she is starting her degree in Psychology next week, she works at one of the biggest festivals in town, she is very responsible and successful at everything she touches and she is has a bunch of money saved already (this is just some pride therapy). That is why she totally rejects hitting rock bottom as a motivation technique. That made me think about myself. Do I use rock bottom? Yes, I do! Really? Yes, really! When? When I write… when I speak on stage… whenever I need to encourage myself… when I want to motivate someone… Why do I do that? Well, I don't know… I'm not sure… Maybe because it describes the improvement better! Then I understood why she protested. Which would you appreciate more, a kid who gets a "B" in Math in semester 1 and an "A" in semester 2, or a kid who gets a "D" in Math test in semester 1 and an "A" in semester 2? Because we are very impressed with the improvement, the second kid gets extra points from most people. Let's try another example. Who gets your bonus points now? Lisa opened a laundry business with a $20,000 investment she had worked very hard to save. After two years, she sold it successfully for $1,000,000. Laura opened a book shop with a $150,000 investment she had worked very hard to save. She sold it after 2 years for $1,000,000. Is this fair? Do we only notice the difference between the starting point and the ending point? Where is the real starting point? Is it really when they opened their businesses, or maybe it was when they started working and saving money? What is success? Starting harder (Lisa) or starting easier (Laura)? Who was more successful at saving money? The more I thought about it, the more I realized that using rock bottom as a motivating technique may be a story we tell ourselves to justify getting ourselves (intentionally or unintentionally) to such a low place. I can hear my daughter saying, "What would you be saying if you were still in a bad state?" It is true. We never see or hear the people who hit rock bottom and stay there! Giving extra points to underdogs is very disempowering to successful people. I can hear my daughter saying, "Mom, don't you always say the best thing to do is to point out positive things and achievements if we want to see more of them?" Ouch! I strongly believe that overusing the rock bottom technique promotes celebrity idolizing, lottery addiction and overnight success chasing. I can hear my daughter saying to me, "Mom, I never want to hit rock bottom to succeed. I would rather sleep in my soft, heated bed, have a family that supports me, enjoy my food at home or at a restaurant, study something I love and be successful". You know what? As her mother, I would like that too! Wouldn't you? Ahhh, the joys of parenthood. I have a daughter who is wise beyond her years. I am so proud of her. Happy parenting, Ronit

As promised, here is Steve Jobs' speech (highly recommended viewing):

[youtube D1R-jKKp3NA nolink]

Original post: Hitting Rock Bottom to Succeed

Reversing the Trend

Gal Baras — Tue, 24 Nov 2009 11:15:07 +0000

You know, lots of people follow trends. So much so that trendy gadgets, fashion, language and behavior are no longer questioned by many. They are simply followed, as if they were some force of nature.

This video blew my mind when I saw it. It demonstrates in a symbolic way what each and every one of us should be doing in order to reverse some of the bad trends in our society and create a better environment for everybody.

[There is a video that cannot be displayed in this feed. Visit the blog entry to see the video.]

Which way do you read the script of your life?

Original post: Reversing the Trend

I’m proud of me

Ronit Baras — Thu, 12 Nov 2009 06:19:51 +0000

Vanity and pride are different things, though the words are often used synonymously. A person may be proud without being vain. Pride relates more to our opinion of ourselves; vanity, to what we would have others think of us - Jane Austen

Two weeks ago, I ran a leadership camp for 26 kids from five different schools. For two days, I asked them many times what made them proud. Believe it or not, it was not easy for everyone to reply. From as early as 12 years old, though the definition of "proud" is "Feeling pleasurable satisfaction over an act, possession, quality or relationship by which one measures one's stature or self-worth", many kids thought that being proud meant boasting or being arrogant. In the morning, I told them about a game Gal had made up, which is written on our white board at home, "I'm proud of me!" As kids, we learned that pride is the territory of adults who show off with their "possessions". Parents were proud of their kids for doing what was expected and when the kids' behavior improved, the parents' status improved as well. Teachers did exactly the same. The older generation used statements of pride to build a sense of belonging and set standards. In the "olden days", being proud of yourself involved the risk of being considered arrogant and only people in superior social standing could afford to take that risk. I thought the definition of pride has long changed from external approval to recognizing self worth. So I was very surprised to hear the adults in the camp, who are leaders and educators, sharing stories of hiding their own success to avoid being seen as bragging by others. Despite many social changes and a personal development trend, kids are still dependent on external pride, grow up to be adults starving for external pride and raise kids dependent on external pride…

Time to change

As a life coach, I find that most of the personal development process is refining the definition of life experiences and finding healthy, empowering definitions that will help us move forward to a happy, healthy and fulfilling life. In other words, if you are not happy, it means your definitions of happiness, fear, anxiety, wealth, relationships and so on are making you unhappy and need to change. One of my clients once said to me, "Ronit, but this is just a change in my mind, not in real life", so I said, "It's a change in your mind and therefore, it is a change in your real life, because your mind is real life". It is as simple as that - you change your definitions, then your thoughts, ideas and actions change and there you have it, a changed reality, only this time it is the change you have been looking for. I would like to use this opportunity to spread the word about the importance of refining the definition of being proud in yourself as fuel for the engine of your personal development. I will be proud of myself if by the end of this article, I can convince you that there is a big difference between arrogance and pride in yourself and that you should be proud of yourself, because it will make you happy.

Ronit's new rules

Growing up in a house that confused pride with arrogance and never hearing the word "I am proud of you" was not very helpful in making me proud of myself (being a sick girl and a bad student with a bad behavior did not help either). I remember glimpses of pride when I hit a ball in a street game and being good at sports, but generally, pride was not part of my emotional vocabulary. I was 16 when things changed for me, after being kicked out of high school at the end of Grade 10. I realized that my definition of life was leading me to a very sad place. I cried for days and agonized over this for hours, until I discovered that my self esteem was extremely dependent on what my parents and teachers thought or said about me and that I could not encourage myself at all. You see, until that moment, I did not think I had any control over my life, because I had been giving that control to others whose job, I thought, was to provide for me. They were busy "feeding me fish", but never taught me how to "fish" for myself. My emotional food was their approval and external rewards and I was doomed to starve, because I did not know how to fulfill my own needs. The people around me helped me get up in the morning and go to school using punishments and school grades, but I never learned what I needed to tell myself in order to motivate myself to get up in the morning. Realizing that my definition of what needs to drive me forward is pathetic was painful and from this pain, I was driven to change the definition. So I said to myself

Whatever other people think about motivation, success, health and good relationships is only theirs, not mine. Their thoughts and ideas may lead them to motivation, success, health and good relationships, but not me. How they navigate their life may be good for them, but not me. If I want to control my own life, I need to find my own definitions and my own ways!

And I started my personal development journey right then and there. Many years have passed since this first awareness. The good thing about personal development is that it never ends and even when you think you have reached a desired state or understanding, there are higher states and understandings waiting for you to reveal them. The most important things I refined when I was 16 were my basic rules of living. When life was tough and no one could save me from myself, all I had to focus on was following them and so I did. Religiously, slowly, one action after the other, I used my new rules to guide me. Here are the rules I followed:

Life is a personal journey. No one can make you feel anything, either good or bad. Stop blaming others and expecting others to motivate you. You are the captain or your own ship, so take charge!
Everything that happens in life must move you forward. Although this may seem strange, pain can also help you move forward. If you are stuck, feel overwhelmed or hurt too much to recognize a step forward, ask yourself, "What good can come out of this?" Ask and you will find the answer. I have gone through some tough things, yet a lot came out of them when I asked the right questions. And if you saying to yourself, "Ronit, but it was all in your mind", you are right - it was and it still is.
Life is a choice! Regardless of how horrible the situation is, you have a choice. Practice choosing. I could choose to be a good student, I could choose to behave, I could choose to be healthy and you know what, when I realized it, I chose all these things!
Do not mix choosing and being a fortune teller. Every day is the first day of your new life. You can plot a new course and sail to a new destination, but you cannot predict the weather, who you will meet on your journey or how those will affect your trip. Do not waste time and energy trying to predict the future. Some choices will work and others will not - choose anyway! If you want to hit a target, you have to practice shooting.
Happy moments and success experiences are the fuel of every progress on your personal development journey and it is your responsibility to refill your own motivation tank. What I appreciate about myself and my life, what I have achieved, what I can now do better, what I have learned (especially from failures) and what I am proud of provide the energy for a happy life. It was easy - I made a list of happy moments and achievements, skills and things I was grateful for and looked at them whenever I felt down. I still do this! Over 25 years later, I am teaching others to use this technique and it works for them too.
Do not confuse being proud with being arrogant and putting others down. Being proud of yourself is "feeling happy and satisfied about an action, decision, quality, possession or association that positively reflects on my confidence and self worth and I do not need anyone to feel bad for me to be happy and satisfied with myself". Suddenly, after defining this, others around me could be wonderful and great and I swapped envy with inspiration.

Refining my basic rules of life has helped me move from darkness to light, where social life was wonderful (I started going out with Gal), academic success was easy (6 months after being accepted on probation to Grade 11, I received an excellence award for academic achievement), my relationship skills improved (a month into Grade 11, I started editing the school newsletter and joined the school council) and the ride since has been much smoother.

The pride game

The last 6 months have been a long and wonderful "Pride Therapy" for us (highly recommended!). We were proud of overcoming Gal's health challenges and the stress and anxiety concerning my sisters and my new nephews. We were proud of our successes at work, new projects and the wonderful successes of our kids (which positively reflect on our confidence and self worth as parents). All these motivated us to move forward. But our proud moments were occasional and mostly related to external events. We needed some ongoing way to feel we are on the right track. We needed something daily. One day, Gal returned from his morning walk and wrote on our white board "I'm proud of myself". When we sat down for dinner, he said, "Today, we will start a new game, called 'I'm proud of myself'. When we describe our day, each of us will tell the rest about things he or she is proud of" and I thought, "Yes, this is brilliant. What a great way to 'learn to fish'". It took only 2-3 days for the kids to get the hang of it and we got a chance to declare our pride in our achievements and efforts out loud and hear ourselves saying them. It felt great. On camp, at night, when the kids went to bed, I entered their rooms and told them that at night, before they go to bed, it is a good time to fuel their ships with motivation by going over the day and taking happy moments and successes that positively reflect on the way they see themselves. We then had one round of "I'm proud of myself" in each room. Just before kids went home from camp, I asked them to tell me about the most meaningful things they got from our time together. To me, if they took nothing but ways to fuel themselves and reduce the dependency, I had done great. Kathleen, my wonderful and inspiring Together for Humanity partner, wrote what they said on a piece of paper. Every other word was "proud". I left home that afternoon tired and happy, knowing this could fuel me for a long time. I was very proud of myself! Wishing you a proud life, Ronit

Original post: I’m proud of me

Life Formula

Ronit Baras — Tue, 27 Oct 2009 04:25:19 +0000

God, Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference - Reinhold Niebuhr

This week, I was asked by one of my clients about the formula for a successful, healthy and happy life, but as much as I wanted to give him the formula, I could not. "But Ronit, you are a life coach. Why not?" he asked. "Because my formula is mine", I said. "What do you mean yours? Are you saying you don't want to share it with me?" he asked. "Of course I want to share it with you, but I don't believe it's transferable", I replied. "Why not?" he kept asking. "Because every person has his or her own formula with a unique signature that cannot be duplicated. Because no two people experience the same things, not even in the same situation", I explained. "So what is life coaching for?" he asked. "It is a way of helping you on your personal journey to find your own formula", I said. Everyone wants to be successful, healthy and happy. If you examine every desire in life, it falls under one of the categories above. When we get up in the morning, the drive to get to somewhere, whether it is an achievement, a feeling or a state, is the essence of life. We want to get to our destination quickly and easily and formulas can help greatly. When we want success, we want to get it fast, without much effort and with as low a price as possible, so if someone could show us the way there, life would be much easier. When we want a feeling, we want to feel it now and without any heartache or doubt. If we only knew how to trigger the feelings we want and turn off the one we do not, life would be an awesome adventure. When we want to be healthy, we want to take a pill and make all the pain and sickness disappear. The harder life is, the more we wish for the easy life formula. The quest for a successful, healthy and happy life starts very early, although our definition of that life changes with every new experience and change of circumstances. Unfortunately, so does the formula. I would say that if you examined your desires every three month, you would find new spins on every definition every time. To illustrate this point, think of what you thought success was in primary school or in high school and how different it is from the way you define success today. I always say that the birth of my first daughter changed many definitions for me regarding success, happiness and even health.

Living on the two sides of the fence called life

People are divided into two groups - the ones that live life aimlessly, surviving from one day to the next, and those who look for the formula and wish to direct their efforts towards a chosen destination, rather than get up in the morning and find themselves in a place they do not like. The first group adopts an "aimless (go with the flow) life style" and the second group a "planned (or purposeful) life style". Many people think that going with the flow and taking things as they come is everyone lives, until they suffer pain that is too hard to bear. Others think that everybody plans their life, until they must acknowledge things beyond their control and with their wisdom comes calmness and acceptance. I can relate to both. I remember myself treating my health aimlessly until my daughter got very sick and I changed. I also remember during my own coaching giving up control over areas that concern other people. I used a different formula for each of these experiences. There is a lot of freedom and joy in aimless living. It involves fewer worries and more acceptance. You get your paycheck, spend it as you like and who cares about tomorrow. After all, "Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, today is a gift, that's why we call it the present". Those who prefer to plan might look over the fence and frown, but is there really one side that is better than the other? I think not. For the people who flow, planned living is too rigid and too frustrating, full of people who try to predict the future and live an illusion of a connection between what they do today and what will happen tomorrow. But for planners, certainty is the currency of life and they believe they can avoid pain most of the time and that is better than flowing and getting hit hard. Everywhere, we head personal development gurus telling us to set goals and focus on desires. They say that desires are the engine of moving forward. They tell us, "Always plan ahead. It wasn’t raining when Noah built the ark", but is there really one side that is better than the other? I think not. People on both sides of the fence live life and do the only things they think they know how to do - justify their choices! They say, "My side is the right side and the best side". I believe a lot of heartache, wars, conflicts, relationship breakdowns and pain exist in the world because people are too focused on justifying their own lifestyle and pushing away other choices. We spend lots of energy shouting to the other side, "My choices are better than yours". Even religious wars are based on "God loves me more. My beliefs are better than yours". Are they really?! I believe that living on either side of the fence is not a problem until you try to convince those on the other side that your side is better. Aimless living is cool, as long as you consider it best for YOU! Planned living is great, as long as you consider it best for YOU! Because formulas for living well are not transferable. They are personal. You do not need statistics to feel better with your aimless or planned choice and it does not matter if there are more people on your side of the fence or on the other side. The only thing that matters is that wherever you are, you can be successful, healthy and happy by your own definition. If you spend most of your energy on convincing others you are "right", it defeats the purpose of getting to your destination quickly and easily. In different areas of life, we probably sit on different sides of different fences and, whether we are on one side or the other, we choose the side we think will give us what we are looking for. My client asked me about my formula. Now, I share my life philosophy freely with anyone who would like to hear. I even share it with people I have never met, through the many posts I have published, but I have to make it clear - it is mine and mine alone and it is not meant to be copied, because it just will not work for you as it does for me. My experience is meant to be used as a tool to help you find your own life formula, which will be the best for you, regardless of the side of the fence you choose. Until next time, good luck on your quest for the formula, Ronit

Original post: Life Formula