In this article, I’m going to help you do exactly that by teaching you five tactics to conquer anything you might be afraid of. Heights, spiders, small spaces, strangely-shaped clouds—whatever makes your knees turn to water and keeps you up at night.

These five tactics are universal and proven. In fact, last year I used them to help two readers who were afraid of driving overcome their fear over a single weekend, then shared the results on my YouTube channel.

Ready for those five tactics?

Let’s hear them.

1. Exposure Therapy

The core of attacking any fear is something in psychology known as exposure therapy.¹

Exposure therapy is exactly what it says. You take something you’re afraid of and gradually expose yourself to it, first in small doses, then in larger doses, until finally you become desensitized to the experience.

If you’re afraid of heights, you don’t want to start at the top of the Eiffel Tower. You want to start on a second-floor balcony and work your way up until it becomes comfortable to stand at the top of the building.

Exposure therapy works because the human mind is an association machine.² For most of us, our greatest fears are derived from some past traumatic episode or set of experiences.

In the case of my two readers afraid of driving, one survived a car accident when she was young, while the other had internalized her father’s neurotic insistence that she was going to die if she drove too fast.

And these associations had controlled both women ever since.

Exposure therapy helps us associate the experience we’re afraid of with different, more helpful beliefs.³

Not tumbling to your death from a second-floor balcony shows you height doesn’t bring inevitable doom. As for my two readers, I chose a slow drive in a retirement community to weaken their association of driving with horrific crashes.

But—and here’s the problem we run into with exposure therapy—they were still terrified even at 20 miles an hour.

Even though exposure therapy helps us create new, more helpful associations with our fears, it’s inherently stressful and scary because in doing it we’re forced to confront the fears we’ve spent our lives running away from.

To make exposure therapy more palatable, some people practice visualization. Psychologists are known to have their patients visualize their biggest fears and strategize responses to those fears in their mind.

Others go so far as to create VR simulations of the scary activity to mentally prepare for the real-life experience.⁴

One less discussed method is my next tactic: orthogonal exposure.

2. Orthogonal Exposure

Orthogonal exposure is basically giving yourself a break from the daunting activity you’re facing, and doing something that is different but highly related instead.

Surprisingly, this can have a lot of success with people’s fears.

Paul Graham, the famous investor, claims that he overcame his fear of flying on airplanes by learning to hang-glide. A friend of mine once told me that he overcame his fear of heights by learning to ski, by standing on top of a steep slope and looking down the mountain.

By attacking related, but different activities to the actual fear, we give ourselves a wider surface area to create new associations and build self-confidence.

As orthogonal exposure for my two fear-stricken drivers, I took them go-cart racing. I hoped that the incentive to beat each other in the race would motivate them to drive faster and push their boundaries.

I guess I should have known that wouldn’t work. Despite my urgings, both women finished dead last. Which brings me to the next tactic…

3. Altitude Training

Eliud Kipchoge is the best marathon runner who has ever lived. In his 20-year career, he has won over 70% of the races he has entered and is the only human who has ever run a sub-two hour marathon.

One thing that’s notable about Kipchoge’s training is that he trains in the mountains of Western Kenya at an altitude of 8,000 feet above sea level.

For people like you and me, this altitude is absolutely crippling. We’d be gasping after a couple laps, but for Kipchoge, this is his standard practice. And when he comes back down to sea level in Berlin or London or Tokyo, he demolishes his competition.

This is known in sports as altitude training,⁵ and it can work for fears as well.

If you take whatever activity scares you and amplify the difficulty or complexity of that activity, returning to the normal activity afterwards will feel easy by comparison.

At least that’s the theory.

With fear, it’s tricky. Because facing fear operates in a kind of Goldilocks zone. If the activity you’re doing feels too easy, you won’t make any progress. But if the activity feels impossibly hard, then you can become overwhelmed and panic and end up creating more fear for yourself.

So the goal is to find something that is at the very edge of what feels possible, in the Goldilocks zone. Not too easy, but not too hard.

I took the two women to the racetrack and rented some of the fastest streetcars in America. The challenge was to go over 120 miles per hour, more than double the speed people drive at on the freeway. And one of them succeeded.

What’s more, she said she had fun doing it.

4. Make It Fun

Will Smith has a great saying:

The best things in life are on the other side of our fears.

The greater the fear, the greater the joy waiting for you on the other side.

This raises an important question for you and whatever fear you might be struggling with: How can you make it fun?

When you have fun doing something that previously scared you shitless, that’s when you begin to tear down those associations that terrorized you your entire life.

Are you intimidated of dating? Well, how can you make it fun? Can you turn it into a little game for yourself? Do a double date with a friend you enjoy spending time with?

Insecure about your body image, afraid to go to the gym? How do you make it fun? Can you make bets with yourself on how much weight you can lift? Choose a workout where you feel less inhibited? Or go all out and join a pole dancing class?

5. Identity Formation

It’s at this point that we get into the fifth and deepest strategy of conquering fear—identity formation.

I mentioned before that the mind was an association machine. Take the sum total of those associations and you get a person’s identity.

Statements like “I am a writer,” “I like long hikes,” “I’m afraid to drive” are all based on associations.

You have positive associations with some things, so you do them repeatedly. You have negative associations with other things, so you avoid them repeatedly.

These repeated and avoided activities then become your identity.

Prior to their weekend with me, my two readers’ identities were in part shaped by their inability to drive.

So I gave them an experience that would reshape their perspective. I rented a Lamborghini for each of them to drive down the Las Vegas strip.

As they took turns doing so, people kept waving and snapping pictures and calling out to us. That scariest thing that had been so intimidating to them their whole lives, now they were being socially rewarded and validated for it.

They can never say again, “I’ve never enjoyed driving,” because they have.

They can never say again, “I have no good memories in a car,” because they do.

They can never say again, “I’ve never driven on a road trip,” because I didn’t buy return tickets for our Las Vegas weekend. The only way to get home in Los Angeles was to drive.

And they did.

The two women drove from the Las Vegas strip to the beaches of Santa Monica. A drive that’s 294 miles through the desert, various towns, mountains, freeways, and notorious LA traffic. They took turns, had rest stops, and at no point did I touch the wheel.

Any fear can be conquered. It’s a matter of choice, persistence, and a little strategy.

But I haven’t told you what is maybe the most important one yet…

Bonus: Do It With a Friend

That strategy is called friendship.

My two readers had each other. They encouraged each other, they kept each other accountable, while I kept them both accountable.

The biggest asset in conquering any fear is an ally. Someone who can help you tackle your biggest demons. Who can hold you up when you start to fall. Who can lend a helping hand when you need that extra push.

What’s also understated is the commitment that results from tackling your fear with a friend.

My two readers made a commitment to each other. Neither one of them wanted to be the one that bailed. And so by them both being there, they kept each other going.

You can’t half-ass a fear. You have to go all in.

You need to set stakes for yourself and create consequences, and then find the allies and support networks to keep you accountable.

From there, you ramp up gradual exposure. Give yourself a little bit of altitude training and reward yourself for each of the small victories.

My weekend with the two readers was a triumph not because of the road trip home, though that was pretty badass. It was a triumph because we did it together. We created positive memories and showed one another what was possible.

This is what matters most, creating those positive associations. Making those lasting memories. Redefining what is possible.

When I turned 30 a decade ago, I wrote an article sharing life lessons to survive your 20s and crowd-sourced advice on how to excel in your 30s. And apparently you guys loved it.

So, here’s more of the good stuff: 40 life lessons I now know at 40 that I wish I knew at 20.

Dig in.

1. Your relationship with others is a direct reflection of your relationship with yourself

If you treat yourself poorly, then you will also unconsciously seek out and tolerate others who treat you poorly.

If you treat yourself with dignity and respect, then you will only tolerate others who treat you with dignity and respect.

Get right with yourself, get right with the world.

2. The only way to feel better about yourself is to do things worth feeling good about

Respect is earned, not given.

3. The only failure is not trying

The only rejection is not asking. The only mistake is not risking anything.

Success and failure are fuzzy concepts that only exist in your mind before you do something. Not after.

After the fact, everything will be a mixture of both. The only real failure is doing nothing.

4. No one is coming to save you

No single thing will solve all your problems. No goal, no achievement, no relationship.

No one will ever fix you. You will always feel mildly inadequate and somewhat dissatisfied with your life.

Nothing is wrong with you for feeling this way.

On the contrary, it might be the most normal thing about you.

5. Be the partner you want to have

If you want a healthy and fit partner, then be healthy and fit yourself. If you want a loyal and trustworthy partner, then be loyal and trustworthy yourself.

To put it another way, would you date you?

If not, then that’s a fucking problem.

6. The most valuable things in life compound over a long period of time

I’m talking about health, wealth, knowledge, confidence, relationships.

These things will frustrate you when you’re young because they are slow.

But if you start building them from a young age and you don’t stop, by the time you’re in your 30s and 40s you will have an incredible life.

7. The most sexy and exciting things in life are the opposite

These things start out extremely fun, but then have intense diminishing returns.

When you’re young, these things distract you and occupy a lot of your time and attention. I’m talking about social media, casual sex, drugs and alcohol, video games, gambling, vacations, and blowjobs.

The first time is incredible. The second time is almost as good. But then it’s all downhill from there.

Be sure to experience all of these things for a little bit, but then quickly move on.

Well, except the blowjobs. Don’t move on from the blowjobs.

8. If you’re not turning down things that excite you, then you’re not focused enough on what matters

Our world is overflowing with stimulation and opportunity.

If you aren’t struggling to turn down options, then you haven’t correctly prioritized what matters to you.

9. Taking responsibility for all of your problems alleviates more suffering than it creates

Most people assume that if you take responsibility for all the pain in your life, then you will just feel worse about it.

But the opposite is actually true. The more responsibility you take, the more you empower yourself to actually do something about that pain.

That’s because…

10. You give power to who you blame

When you blame someone else for your problems, you’re giving them power over you. You’re allowing them to define and dictate your happiness and well-being.

This is fucking stupid, so don’t do it.

It’s not worth it.

11. If you have to tell someone you’re that, then you’re not that

A rich man doesn’t feel the need to show people he’s rich.

A smart man doesn’t feel the need to tell people he’s smart.

A confident person doesn’t have to show people he’s confident. He just is.

Don’t say it. Be it.

12. Motivation is not the cause of action, but the effect

If you want to feel motivated to do something, take the smallest action towards doing it.

Then let the momentum carry you forward.

13. Love is not the cause of commitment, but the effect

You don’t wait until you have a perfect relationship to commit to a person.

You commit to the person in order to create the perfect relationship.

14. Passion is not the cause of good work, but the effect

You don’t wait until you find something you love doing.

You learn to do something well, and the process of developing competency and agency then causes you to become passionate about it.

15. The person you marry is the person you fight with

The house you buy is the house you repair. The dream job you take is the job you stress over.

Everything comes with an inherent sacrifice. Whatever makes us feel good will inevitably also make us feel bad.

16. A happy life is not a life without stress. It’s a life of meaningful stress

Nuff said.

17. Don’t view exercise as an exchange for something

You don’t work out to lose a few pounds or earn that hamburger or an ice cream. With this mindset, you will lose motivation quickly and quit.

Instead, view exercise as an investment. For every unit of energy you put in, you will receive multiple units of energy back.

The catch is that these units of energy you get back will be spread out over weeks, months, and years.

This is why exercising hardcore occasionally is far inferior to exercising a little bit every day.

18. Trust people

Most people are good. And while you might get hurt or embarrassed sometimes, the alternative is just way worse.

19. There’s no such thing as a life without problems

Warren Buffett has money problems. A homeless guy has money problems.

Buffett’s money problems are way more desirable than the homeless guy’s. But problems don’t just disappear, they get exchanged and upgraded for better problems as you grow and evolve.

The solution to today’s problem will be the seed of tomorrow’s.

Set your expectations accordingly.

20. Growth is rarely accompanied by joy and celebration

On the contrary, growth is usually painful to some degree.

That’s because growth requires loss—a loss of your old values, your old behaviors, your old loves, your old identity.

Change always has a component of grief to it, so be sure to let yourself grieve.

21. Fuck being normal

Statistically speaking, a normal person is physically unhealthy, emotionally anxious and depressed, socially lonely, and financially in debt.

So yeah, fuck being normal.

22. If you can’t say no, then your yeses mean nothing

We are defined by what we give up, what we sacrifice, and what we reject.

If you sacrifice nothing and reject nothing, then you have no identity. You are merely a reflection of the preferences and demands of the people around you.

In other words, if you don’t decide who you are, other people will decide for you.

23. Be careful how you define yourself

Your identity is a self-constructed mental prison, confining you to a life of desperately seeking and finding things to validate whatever you’ve chosen to become.

Define yourself as loosely and ambiguously as possible. You will feel less defensive towards the world and be willing to change when it’s necessary.

24. Don’t make assumptions about people

You have no fucking idea what they’ve been through.

Don’t make assumptions about yourself either. Chances are you have no idea what you’re talking about.

The last person we’re objective about is ourselves.

25. No one thinks about you as much as you think about yourself

Whatever you’re insecure about, chances are 99% of people around you haven’t even noticed it.

This is because everybody else is too busy thinking about themselves.

This may strike you as a little bit depressing, but it’s actually liberating. It means that you are judged far less than you think.

26. Confidence does not come from an expectation of success. It comes from a comfort with failure

There’s a word for someone who feels a need to succeed in everything: a fucking narcissist.

Don’t be a narcissist. Embrace your flaws. Embrace failure.

27. Develop a willingness to be disliked

This will grant you the freedom to do what needs to be done, even if it’s unpopular.

28. You cannot be a life-changing presence to some people without also being a complete fucking joke to others

Part of the price of having impact is some hate. And usually that hate is proportional to the impact.

29. Floss and wear sunscreen every day

Look, I know I sound like your mom right now, but trust me, in 20 years you’re going to be thanking me.

30. Extraordinary results come from repeating ordinary actions over an inordinate amount of time

Any overnight success is secretly the result of quietly working in obscurity for years, if not decades.

31. Choosing a partner is not about romance

You’re also choosing a confidant, counselor, career advisor, therapist, investor, teacher, travel buddy, roommate, best friend, business partner.

And no, I’m not saying you should make your partner be all these things.

I’m saying whether you want to or not, your partner is going to become all of these things. That’s what a relationship is.

So choose fucking wisely.

32. Don’t overestimate romantic love

Love doesn’t fix relationship problems. It doesn’t make trust issues go away.

The truth is, love can harm as much as it heals. It’s an amplifier. It makes a good relationship better and a bad relationship much worse.

Don’t get me wrong, love is great. Love is beautiful when it works.

But to make a healthy relationship, by itself love is not enough.

33. Trust is the currency of all relationships

Every good relationship is built off the back of years of trust.

Every failed relationship fails because of broken trust.

Therefore, honesty and integrity are the backbones of a life of healthy relationships and therefore happiness.

Dishonesty and a lack of integrity might be a shortcut to some short-term gains, but you’re completely fucking yourself in the long run, so fucking stop it.

Speaking of which…

34. If all of your relationships have the same problem…

Newsflash: you’re the fucking problem.

35. There’s no such thing as a bad emotion, only a bad response to an emotion

Every emotion can be used constructively or destructively.

One of the most useful things you can ever learn in your life is to figure out how to channel your negative emotions constructively.

36. Go to bed and wake up early

My whole life, I always promised myself I would never be that guy who went to bed at 9PM on a Friday and got up at 5AM to hit the fucking gym.

But kids, I hate to tell you, mornings are the real shit. Sorry.

37. You don’t have to prove anything to anyone, including yourself

Let me say that again: you don’t have to prove anything to anyone, including yourself.

38. Life advice is like clothing

Try it on. And if it doesn’t fit, discard it and try something else.

Also: like clothing, bad advice will be useless within a few weeks, but good advice will last you a lifetime.

39. Nothing meaningful in life is easy, nothing easy in life is meaningful

We think we’d like to have everything handed to us on a silver platter. But the truth is that we don’t appreciate or enjoy things that we don’t struggle for.

So stop avoiding the difficult things in your life and instead find the difficult things you enjoy.

And finally…

40. It’s never too late to change

A friend of mine once told me a story about his grandmother. He said that when her husband died, she was 62 and for the first time in her life, she began to take piano lessons.

For weeks, she practiced all day, every day.

At first, the family thought it was just a phase, a way for her to process her grief. But months went by and she continued to play every day.

People started to wonder if she was crazy or something was wrong with her. They told her to give it up, face reality. But she kept going.

By the time she was in her 90s, she’d been playing piano every day for over 30 years, longer than most professional musicians have been alive. She had mastered all of the classics—Mozart, Beethoven, Bach, Vivaldi.

Everyone who heard her play swore that she must have been a concert pianist in her youth. No one believed her when she said that she took her first lesson in her 60s.

I love this story because it shows that even at an impractical old age, you still have more time left to learn something than most professionals at that thing have even been alive.

I didn’t start writing until I was 27. I didn’t start my YouTube channel until I was 36.

In every phase of my life, I’ve started five to ten years later than most people. Yet it didn’t matter.

I get emails all the time from people asking me, hey, I’m 20 or 40 or 60 or 80, is it too late? Can I change? Is there time?

The answer is it’s never too late. There’s always time.

The only question is how long we’re going to sit here and make excuses and pretend there’s not.

Don’t just take my word for it though. Read on for my summary of all 33 books and see for yourself how your next read might just change your life.

1. Atomic Habits by James Clear

This might be the most practical book ever written on simple behavioral change.

Atomic Habits has three big takeaways. The first is that small lifestyle changes compound over a long period of time. So you don’t want to try to be a completely different person tomorrow, you want to be 1% better 100 days in a row.

The second big takeaway can be summarized with the line, “We don’t rise to the level of our goals, but we fall to the level of our systems.” The idea here is that it’s not about ambition or effort, it’s about creating an environment that makes behavioral change inevitable.

And finally, the third takeaway is that habits don’t stick unless we alter our identities. That means it’s not sufficient to simply change our behavior, but we also have to change how we see ourselves and how we relate to others.

2. The Expectation Effect by David Robson

Science shows our expectations can drastically affect how we perceive reality.

People who believe they’re capable of doing something are far more likely to do it. People who believe they will heal from an injury or illness do so quicker and more consistently. People who expect medication or therapy to work have a greater chance of that medication or therapy working.

Basically, the mind is a really fucking powerful thing and it affects our bodies and relationships in ways that we don’t fully understand. So you might as well adopt mindsets and beliefs that are most likely to help you.

That’s leveraging the expectation effect.

3. The Upside of Stress by Kelly McGonigal, Ph.D.

What if I told you that stress isn’t always a bad thing, that it could even be a good thing?

Well, that’s the argument that Kelly McGonigal makes in this important book.

Stress has a bad reputation. We’re told it will kill us, traumatize us, make us miserable and sad and cry into our ice cream cone.

That may be true for some, but whether or not stress is actually bad for us depends on what exactly is stressing us. Is it a meaningful and important challenge that is stressful? Is the stress creating value for you in the world?

After all, stress exists for a reason. It mobilizes us, both physically and mentally. It gets us paying attention, and when directed in a meaningful pursuit, it can help us feel a sense of accomplishment.

So you shouldn’t necessarily avoid stress, you should pick the stress that you’re happy to have.

4. So Good They Can’t Ignore You by Cal Newport

Conventional wisdom tells us to follow our passion. Pick a job you love, and you’ll never work a day in your life, right?

Wrong, says Cal Newport. The research says that we got it backwards. We don’t do great work at things we love, we tend to love things that we become very good at.

So instead of trying to follow your passion all the time, which let’s be honest, is a wishy-washy concept that many people struggle to even define, Newport argues that we should instead be focusing on developing our skills.

Because you can become passionate about anything, you just need to be good at it first.

5. The Innovator’s Dilemma by Clayton M. Christensen

Did you know this was Steve Jobs’ favorite book?

The Innovator’s Dilemma is a phenomenon that occurs in business when the biggest and most successful companies miss the most obvious opportunities because they’re so invested in older technologies, they can’t justify moving on.

The perfect example of this is Kodak. Did you know that Kodak actually experimented with digital cameras back in 1975? But they never pursued the technology because they had built up billions of dollars around analog film.

Thirty years later, Kodak went out of business. Why? Digital cameras.

The Innovator’s Dilemma shows up not only in business, but also in life.

Generally, when we miss huge opportunities, it’s not because we weren’t looking for them or weren’t aware of them, it’s because we are benefiting so much from our old tendencies that we let the life-changing opportunity pass us by.

6. Influence by Robert B. Cialdini, Ph.D.

It turns out that the human mind has a number of triggers that cause us to be easily influenced by others and their ideas.

Robert Cialdini boils these triggers down into eight categories, and in his seminal book, Influence, explains how they’re often used in sales and marketing, but also by people around us to get what they want from us.

Drawing from examples from religious cults, professors and colleges, teachers, marketing experts and advertisements, this book will change how you see your own decision-making.

It’s a must-read for anyone interested in psychology, but especially, if you’re in sales and marketing.

7. The 4-Hour Workweek by Tim Ferriss

This is the book that changed a whole generation of entrepreneurs.

Ferriss’ big insight is in the nature of how one defines wealth. Instead of becoming wealthy by accumulating expensive possessions, Ferriss defines wealth in terms of freedom and time and the ability to have enriching experiences.

With this new definition, the classic arrangement of working for forty years and then retiring doesn’t really make a lot of sense.

By leveraging technology, automation, and working anywhere in the world, Ferriss describes how you can become part of the new rich or live a wealthy life at a young age on a modest amount of money.

Get rich, bitch.

8. Dopamine Nation by Anna Lembke, M.D.

Dopamine is a neurotransmitter that allows us to feel a sense of reward or accomplishment. It’s crucial in motivation and feelings of life satisfaction, but like anything, too much dopamine could be a bad thing.

In her book Dopamine Nation, Anna Lembke makes the argument that modern society is overstimulating us and flooding our brains with more dopamine than we were meant to handle.

The result is a glut of addictive, compulsive overindulgent behaviors across the developed world.

Basically, we’re all getting fat and sassy.

So how do we combat this? Through abstention, intentional challenge, and being more mindful of our environments.

If you feel like your dopamine levels are through the fucking roof, then this book is probably useful.

9. The Denial of Death by Ernest Becker

Ernest Becker was an obscure academic who wrote this book on his deathbed as he was dying of cancer.

Bringing together influences from existential philosophy, Freudian psychology, and Zen Buddhism, Becker argued that death is life’s ultimate motivator, that what gives us a sense of meaning and purpose in our lives is an attempt to create something that will outlive us when we die.

Becker called these our immortality projects and argued that they were the root of not only everything good in our lives, but also everything evil.

10. The Paradox of Choice by Barry Schwartz

Simple piece of science, massive implications.

The Paradox of Choice tells us that when offered more options, we tend to be less satisfied with whatever we choose.

So if I offer you to choose between two candy bars, you’ll pick your favorite and be satisfied. But if I ask you to choose between ten candy bars, you’ll have more options, but research finds you’ll be less satisfied with your choice.

In a world that is constantly unlocking more options and abundance for us all, this has wide implications from dating to career choices, to hobbies, to even choosing where to live.

Beware of the paradox of choice.

11. Rich Dad Poor Dad by Robert T. Kiyosaki

This is a simple book that sums up the most fundamental difference in mindset between people who get rich and people who stay poor.

Poor people see money as something to be spent. They try to find and get as much as possible and then use it up until it’s gone. Rich people, on the other hand, see money as something to invest. Once it’s spent, they look for a good return.

This simple difference in mindset can explain all sorts of behavior—from what kind of car people drive to what kind of clothes they wear, how much they save for retirement, how many credit cards they use.

A small book that can be read in an afternoon, but a simple idea that should be internalized by everyone.

Fun fact: the author is broke.

12. Man’s Search for Meaning by Viktor E. Frankl

Viktor Frankl was an Austrian psychiatrist who was captured by the Nazis and sent to Auschwitz.

Spending the next three years in concentration camps, he somehow managed to survive. And while there, he made an observation, both simple and profound, that the prisoners who had a reason to survive the concentration camps, tended to be the ones who did.

He said that he got to the point where he could predict which prisoner would die next based on which ones had stopped having hope for the future.

Frankl summed up his conclusion with Nietzsche’s famous maxim, “He who has a why to live can bear almost any how.”

Viktor’s incredible realization is that while suffering may often be inevitable, as long as we have some higher purpose to grant our suffering meaning, we can not only survive it but grow from it.

13. How to Win Friends & Influence People by Dale Carnegie

A self-help classic that teaches the completely counterintuitive truth that when you focus on other people, shocking, they will like you more.

Unfortunately, our default approach to most relationships is to speak instead of listen, to try to feel seen instead of trying to see the other person.

Carnegie’s book is a simple yet profound explanation that the way to connect with others is to simply open yourself up to being connected with them, and then shut the fuck up and listen better.

To be honest, I feel like this should be required reading for every high schooler in the world, but fuck, nobody ever asked me.

14. Start With Why by Simon Sinek

Start With Why makes a simple but important point: when choosing what to pursue, start by asking why. That is, ask yourself, what are you optimizing for and what is the primary motivation or purpose?

When we align our actions with some higher purpose, we become more motivated and more effective and more resilient to setbacks.

This is particularly important within organizations. Sinek argues that it’s ultimately our “why” that keeps everyone aligned and on the same page when shit goes south.

15. The Coddling of the American Mind by Greg Lukianoff and Jonathan Haidt

Are people mentally weaker than they used to be? Have we become more emotionally fragile?

Well, the authors of this incredible book argue yes, and they back it up with a shitload of data.

Unfortunately, it seems in the last fifteen years the public has become more emotionally fragile, and young people in particular are less tolerant of any sort of discomfort or inconvenience that comes their way.

The authors have a number of data-driven explanations for this. The first one is the rise of helicopter parenting—the assumption that parents need to watch their kids and protect them at all costs.

The second one is the philosophy of safety-ism—the belief that anything that can cause pain or suffering is ultimately harmful in the long run and can even be traumatic.

The third explanation is lack of play. The past few generations of kids have been so overloaded with schoolwork and extracurricular activities trying to get into a good college that they haven’t had time to be kids, and it turns out that most mental and emotional development of children happens while they’re playing.

And finally, there’s everybody’s favorite culprit, social media. I shouldn’t have to explain that one.

16. The Revolt of the Public by Martin Gurri

Martin Gurri was an analyst at the CIA when he noticed something was wrong in 2011. It started with widescale pro-democracy demonstrations in the Middle East, but soon spread to populist uprisings across the world with demonstrations in Europe and the Americas.

The advent of social media and mobile phones had made performative political activism possible in a way that had never existed previously.

Before, organizing a protest required a ton of resources, a giant network, marketing, and publicity. But today, with the help of a smartphone and a viral post, ad hoc political protests could be started at the drop of a hat.

These new performative protests were markedly different from previous ones. They were unorganized, and while they all advocated for the downfall of the current establishment, they didn’t really propose anything in its place.

Gurri calls this new orientation the periphery versus the center. It’s no longer about right versus left. It’s about establishment versus anti-establishment.

And unfortunately, we’re all caught in the middle.

17. Getting the Love You Want by Harville Hendrix, Ph.D.

Our parents—no matter how good and well-intentioned—always fuck something up.

They make mistakes, they have their own issues and quirks—these then imprint themselves on our brains as our love map. Basically, the way we unconsciously understand affection and intimacy.

As adults, we unconsciously seek out partners that fit into our love maps, thus recreating the failures and mistakes made by our parents. These failures and mistakes then re-trigger old psychological wounds and make our relationships incredibly emotionally turbulent.

The way out of this mess is to find a partner who is also aware of this process, and you can work together to change both of your behaviors, and essentially correct for the fuckups made by each other’s parents.

In this sense, the power of relationships is that they can literally heal your emotional wounds. This, in a nutshell, is the purpose of romantic love.

18. The Psychology of Money by Morgan Housel

The most important truths about money are also the most counterintuitive. This is why The Psychology of Money by Morgan Housel is such an important book.

Nobody spends their money rationally. We’re terrible at assessing risk. Financial security only exists if you have more, and being rich and being wealthy are complete contradictions of each other.

Do any of these things make sense? No? Well, read the book and they fucking will.

These are just a few of the mind-bending ideas that The Psychology of Money will unpretzel for your brain. The book is a fascinating romp through all the fucked up ways our minds mishandle money, both literally and figuratively.

It’s a must-read for anyone who wants to get rich and or die trying.

19. Outlive by Peter Attia, M.D.

If you’re reading this, it’s very likely you’re gonna die of one of four things: heart disease, cancer, Alzheimer’s, or diabetes.

Also, it just happens that all four of these chronic illnesses develop very slowly over a long period of time.

Peter Attia makes the argument that these four horsemen are so deadly because our current medical system is not designed to manage or prevent chronic diseases, but rather to treat acute diseases after they’ve already happened.

Outlive is basically a guide to that prevention, and this book will probably be the gift that I give every single person on their 40th birthday for a long, long time.

20. Stumbling on Happiness by Dan Gilbert

This is my personal favorite book about happiness, and trust me, I’ve read pretty much every book on happiness.

Dan Gilbert is a psychologist from Harvard, and in his book he argues that happiness doesn’t function the way we assume it does.

Happiness isn’t something you gain or lose based on external events in your life. Rather, your mind will alter how it perceives external events to maintain a consistent modest level of happiness.

Put simply, everyone is slightly delusional about the past and the future, and this delusion exists to maintain some degree of satisfaction in our lives.

Gilbert calls this the “psychological immune system,” and argues that people who are miserable, it’s because their psychological immune systems are failing due to some sort of dysfunctional belief or extreme negative event.

21. Thinking in Bets by Annie Duke

Professional poker player Annie Duke utilizes her background in poker as a way to teach effective decision-making. And that is, don’t think of decisions in terms of all or nothing, yes or no, success or failure—think of decisions in terms of probabilities.

Basically, envision your decisions in life as a bunch of bets, little mini experiments designed to see how much you get back for what you invest.

I’ve personally found thinking in terms of probability and making decisions based on expected returns to be one of the most practical and useful skills I’ve ever developed in my life, and not just at the poker table.

22. Mindset by Carol Dweck, Ph.D.

Dweck is a psychologist at Stanford, and she found that people who believe they can change and get better are the ones who tend to change and get better.

And people who believe that they can never change, and that they’re just screwed, well, surprise, they don’t change, and they spend their lives feeling screwed.

Dweck called these two dispositions a growth mindset and a fixed mindset.

And guess what, motherfucker? You want to have a growth mindset.

23. Thinking, Fast and Slow by Daniel Kahneman

Daniel Kahneman won a Nobel Prize for his life’s work, and this book summarizes all of it.

Basically, our mind has two systems: system one and system two.

System one is extremely fast, intuitive, and unconscious. System two is slow, methodical, and highly aware.

System one is great to generate quick responses in complex situations. It’s what we often think of as our gut instinct. System one tends to do well in social or emotional situations or predicting outcomes of highly complex circumstances.

System two is great when you need thoroughness and accuracy. You wouldn’t want to build a rocket or a nuclear plant based on your gut instinct. You build it based on slow, methodical system-two thinking.

Kahneman argues that many of our personal and social problems arise when we misuse our two systems and mistakenly use one instead of the other. Sometimes we try to overanalyze our emotional problems or feel our way through difficult analytical problems.

Being aware of our systems and what they are good for can help us approach life in a more harmonious way.

24. On the Genealogy of Morals by Friedrich Nietzsche

According to Nietzsche, there are two conflicting moral impulses within us all.

The first is meritocratic—the spoils should go to the victor. If you’re smarter, stronger, faster, more clever, more powerful, you deserve the rewards of your effort and ingenuity. Nietzsche called this master morality.

The second belief system is that we should care for the weak, alleviate people’s suffering, help the unfortunate, and give special attention and care to those who need it most. Nietzsche called this slave morality.

Master and slave morality have been in an eternal struggle—both between societies but also within societies—for most of human history. Wars have been fought over it, religions have been founded and destroyed because of it, and the modern-day political left and right are the legacies of the impulses towards master and slave morality within us all.

Each has its benefits to society and each is necessary, but when unchecked by the other, both have the seeds of tyranny and downfall.

25. Zen Mind, Beginner’s Mind by Shunryu Suzuki

This book is, in my opinion, the best introduction to Buddhist practice and serious meditation that you can come across as a Westerner.

Through a series of bite-sized chapters based on his old lectures, Suzuki takes you step by step through each of the profound realizations that Buddhist thought can lead you to.

For instance, that there’s a separation between the thinking mind and the observing mind. Sure, you have thoughts, but who is it in your mind that is aware that you have thoughts? Or non-dual awareness, the idea that the separation between anything is completely subjective and self-invented. Or the acceptance of the present moment as the only means to alleviate suffering.

If you are one of the many Westerners who is curious about Buddhism, this is an excellent starting point to begin your practice.

26. The Better Angels of Our Nature by Steven Pinker

In The Better Angels of Our Nature, Pinker has painstakingly mapped through both data and anecdotal accounts the rapid decline in violence across the world these past few centuries.

The level of barbarism that we find appalling today was not only commonplace a few hundred years ago, but in many ways, it was even celebrated.

After clubbing us over the head with data for five hundred pages, Pinker then spends the rest of the book theorizing why the world is becoming more peaceful and nonviolent.

His ideas range from literacy increasing people’s capacity for empathy to technology making people more comfortable and secure, to a more interconnected society requiring more people to rely on one another.

It’s a fascinating read from start to finish. It absolutely changed my view of the world.

27. Fear and Trembling by Soren Kierkegaard

The Danish philosopher uses a biblical story of Abraham and Isaac to illustrate a deep psychological truth.

And that is that, ultimately, to give our lives any sense of meaning and psychological stability, we must choose to believe certain things matter more than ourselves. And this choice requires what he calls a leap of faith.

Whether it’s a religion, a family, a relationship, or a career mission, we all must choose, at some point, to give our lives over to something. And the terrifying thing is that we must do this without knowing if it’s the right thing or not. This is where faith comes in.

It’s not that this is a secular book with a religious example, it’s more that this book shows you that nothing is really secular, and all commitments are ultimately religious to some degree or another.

28. Deep Work by Cal Newport

Some work can survive distraction and task-switching, but some work, particularly creative work or really hard problem-solving, is greatly harmed by both.

The problem, Newport argues, is that in the modern world of the internet and social media, we are increasingly being swamped in distractions and task-switching.

Newport says that people who are able to protect their attention and engage what he calls “deep work” will have a huge leg up in the 21st century. He then gives you strategies to integrate deep work into your life—like establishing routines, time-blocking, limiting exposure to social media, and more.

29. The Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle

The self-help classic from twenty years ago, The Power of Now argues that most of our suffering occurs because we are fixated on the past or worrying about imaginary futures.

Tolle teaches us to become present in a classic meditative sense, and it turns out once we become good at remaining present, most of our worries, anxieties, and concerns melt away, because we recognize them for what they always were—fucking imaginary.

30. The Blank Slate by Steven Pinker

There’s a persistent idea throughout history that people are born perfect and innocent, and that any dysfunction they exhibit later in life is caused by some sort of trauma or injustice.

This theory of the blank slate is seductive and has converted many of history’s greatest thinkers, from John Locke to Karl Marx. But unfortunately, today, we know conclusively that it is simply not true.

A great amount of people’s personalities, dispositions, beliefs, and dysfunctions are genetically-driven. Pinker breaks down the research showing this is true, but he also shows the dramatic, political implications of this.

An important book for understanding human nature and coming to terms with our prejudices.

31. Fooled by Randomness by Nassim Nicholas Taleb

The world is a chaotic mess and we are surrounded by randomness and unpredictability, yet we don’t like admitting that to ourselves.

So we find patterns in randomness and tell ourselves stories that justify our actions and behaviors. And inevitably, these stories make us look like a brilliant hero.

The book is full of amusing anecdotes and stories, both fictional and real, of people who were fooled by randomness and managed to convince themselves they knew what they were doing in a completely chaotic and fucked up world.

32. The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work by John M. Gottman, Ph.D.

John Gottman is the preeminent relationship researcher in the world on what makes relationships work, and what makes them fail catastrophically.

And in this book, he uncovers a number of counterintuitive findings.

For example, did you know the happiest couples don’t resolve all their problems, or that compromise isn’t always the answer, or that fighting is sometimes kind of healthy, or that the most predictive part of your relationship isn’t what you communicate, but rather how it’s communicated?

Yeah, I didn’t know that shit either until I read this book.

33. The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck by Mark Manson

Clearly written by a self-absorbed jackass, this juvenile piece of pseudo-philosophy argues that, in the age of information abundance, we all face an existential crisis of choosing what matters.

The author goes on to argue that sacrifice is a necessary component of happiness, and that failure and embarrassment are actually healthy experiences that we should all embrace.

It’s sold like 15 million copies, so clearly people give way too many fucks. But the author is extremely handsome, so I have to recommend you buy it.

Looking for More Books to Read?

I’ve put together a list of over 200 “best books” organized by genre, as well as my all-time recommended reading list that includes the book(s) I’m reading each month. Check them out.

In this article, I’m going to walk you through the five levels of non-fuck-giving, each level demonstrating more non-fuckery than the last. You will learn step by step how to face your fears, how to stop worrying what other people think, and how to achieve the eternal bliss of a fuckless life.

Strap in, it’s time to stop giving fucks and start living.

Level 1: Embarrassment

In psychology, there’s something known as the Spotlight Effect. The Spotlight Effect says that we all tend to assume that people are paying far more attention to us than they actually are.

Think back to the last time you got a terrible haircut. Chances are you walked around all day assuming that everybody was staring at that tragedy of a mop on your head. But the reality was most people didn’t notice. And if they noticed, they sure didn’t care.

One of my favorite quotes ever comes from the author David Foster Wallace. He said:

You will stop worrying so much what other people think about you when you realize how seldom they do.

As someone who grew up with a lot of social anxiety, this idea was absolutely profound to me. But the problem is the idea by itself is not sufficient. You have to get out into the world and experience it. You have to get out and challenge your own Spotlight Effect.

Does that mean you have to put on a chicken suit and go for a walk at your local mall? No, not necessarily (though I won’t stop you). But it does mean you have to do something.

You have to challenge yourself. You have to put yourself into uncomfortable situations in front of other people, and prove to yourself conclusively that nobody’s paying attention, that nobody gives a shit.

Tolerating embarrassment is the bedrock of not giving a fuck. The moment you realize nobody fucking cares, that’s when you’ve conquered Level One of non-fuck-giving.

Onwards.

Level 2: Rejection

If the willingness to look like an idiot is the first step towards not giving a fuck, the next step is being willing to face rejection.

It’s one thing to not care what strangers think, but what about people you actually care about? Are you willing to say things that your friends and family might not approve of? Are you comfortable having difficult conversations? Are you afraid to embarrass yourself on a date?

People who give way too many fucks don’t do well with rejection. Their self-esteem is so wrapped up with social approval that they find rejection intolerable and do their damnedest to avoid it, usually by performing. They view every social situation in terms of “What do I say or do to get people to like me?” And then they try to say or do that.

This is a terrible way to live, for a bunch of reasons. The first is just that it’s incredibly stressful. Every social interaction basically becomes like an exam at school where you have to say and do the exact right things to get the result.

But the real reason is that it prevents you from having healthy relationships in the first place. Even if you do perform in the right way and get people to like you, you will never fully trust that they like you for you.

The big breakthrough for most people comes when they finally drop the performance and embrace authenticity in their relationships. When they realize no matter how well they perform, they’re eventually gonna be rejected by someone, they might as well get rejected for who they already are.

When you start approaching relationships with authenticity, by being unapologetic about who you are and living with the results, you realize you don’t have to wait around for people to choose you, you can also choose them.

And this changes everything.

Level 3: Criticism

Fact: you can’t keep everyone happy all of the time.

Whatever you do, there will be people who’ll criticize your actions, say negative things about you. And you must learn to live with this, to understand that criticism is part of the job description of success, that the respect and admiration you want will always come with a healthy serving of critics eager to tear you down.

The next time you’re criticized, here’s what you do:

1. If you respect the person, listen to the criticism and improve.
2. If you don’t respect the person, then fuck them. Who cares?

Criticism is simply information. If it isn’t useful information about you, then it’s useful information about them. Either way, it’s constructive. So why avoid it?

Level 4: Failure

Something incredible happens when you stop giving a fuck what other people think about you—which is what Levels 1-3 were all about—it gives you the freedom to fail.

All those things you’ve been curious about, all those adventures you’ve dreamed of but been too scared to pursue, it all suddenly opens up to you because you’ve stopped giving a fuck what people will say about you if you fail.

You no longer care what your family’s going to say if you quit your shitty job and can’t find a better one, so you go ahead and quit. You no longer care if you join a breakdance class and are so terrible at it you become the butt of everybody’s joke, so you go ahead and sign up.

Here’s the thing: it doesn’t matter if you fail. It matters what you do. Life happens in the process, not the results.

Most of us are too results-oriented and not enough process-oriented, and I think a lot of this comes from the way we’re raised. You grow up and you’re rewarded for getting an A on the test or getting a gold star at the activity. Everything is about “Can you achieve this result? And then we will reward you.”

But the fact of the matter is, life doesn’t actually work that way. In fact, in many ways, life rewards the willingness to fail, life rewards the person who is willing to embarrass themselves a little bit, who’s willing to take some risks, who’s willing to be bad at something for as long as it takes to get good at it.

So let me ask you, what are you unapologetically bad at? What are you more than happy to be terrible at because it brings so much joy to your life?

Find that something, and go do it. Even if you fail spectacularly, you’ll have done something worthwhile, something you’ll be proud to tell your grandchildren about.

Level 5: Zero Fucks Given

Congratulations. We’ve made it, my friends, to the pinnacle. Undeterred by embarrassment, rejection, ridicule or failure, we have achieved the perfect freedom of non-fuckery.

A life of zero fucks given is a life of zero pressure, zero regret. It’s a life of freedom, of doing whatever the hell you want to do, of being whoever the hell you want to be.

Look, you and everyone you know are gonna die one day. So what the fuck are you waiting for? That goal you have, that dream you keep to yourself, that person you wanna meet. What are you letting stop you? Go do it.

Because seriously, who gives a fuck?

Buckle up, buttercup. Let’s dive into the rabbit hole of reality.

Truth #1: You’re Wrong About (Almost) Everything

One day, everything you believe today will be proven to be completely and utterly wrong or incomplete.

Remember the past you? The one with embarrassing beliefs and naïve ideas? Well, guess what, future you will look back at present you with the same cringe-worthy disgust.

The Lesson: Next time you’re absolutely sure about something, take a step back and ask yourself if it’s something you’ll be embarrassed about in a decade.

If yes, maybe shut the fuck up.

Truth #2: Most People Aren’t Evil, Just Stupid (Including You)

Social media has made moralizing a sport, with people constantly judging each other as good or evil based on their ideas.

Enter Hanlon’s Razor:

Never attribute to malice what can be adequately explained by stupidity.

And now, Manson’s Addendum: pretty much everything you see or read is some degree of stupidity.

The Lesson: Combine these two principles, and you’ll see that we should reserve our moral judgments for only the clearest of situations.

Slow down on the judging, folks.

Truth #3: Care About People (And Show It)

George Vaillant’s study of Harvard graduates spanning 70 years revealed that the only consistent factor contributing to happiness and well-being is the quality of our relationships.

The secret? Learn to care about others and show them that you care.

The Lesson: The highest leverage skill you can build in your life is to care about people and demonstrate it. Cultivate strong relationships based on trust, intimacy, vulnerability, and mutual respect.

Remember, it’s all embracing the fact that we’re all a little bit stupid.

Manson, out.

Most of these claims revolve around setting goals, developing discipline, and eliminating distractions.

But let’s face it: if you take a close look at the habits of highly successful people, you’ll quickly realize that they don’t strictly adhere to a regimented lifestyle or adopt monk-like behavior.

So, what is it that truly sets the wildly successful apart from the rest?

The Real Pillars of Extreme Success

To genuinely rise above 99% of the population, you must:

1. Develop a contrarian idea
2. Be correct about that idea
3. Execute on it on a massive scale

The most significant challenge lies in disagreeing with the majority, being right in your contrarian stance, and having the courage to put everything on the line for your beliefs.

People often fixate on the execution aspect because it’s the most visible and easiest to emulate.

However, execution alone does not determine the extent of a person’s success.

Correct Contrarianism: The Key Ingredient to Groundbreaking Achievements

Some of history’s most significant breakthroughs, such as the theory of relativity by Albert Einstein or the Wright brothers’ invention of the airplane, were once correct contrarian ideas that were initially deemed ridiculous and dismissed by many.

The willingness to challenge widely-held assumptions, adopt unpopular beliefs, and remain steadfast despite the ridicule and criticism that may come your way is what paves the way for groundbreaking success.

The Overlooked Downside of Extreme Success

But before setting your sights on becoming more successful than 99% of people, take a moment to consider the following potential drawbacks:

1. You will be unpopular – Achieving extreme success can often alienate you from friends and family who may not understand or support your unconventional path.
2. You will fail—a lot – To become a correct contrarian, you must first accept the fact that you’ll be an incorrect contrarian many times, which can lead to numerous setbacks and failures along the way.
3. The happiness myth – Success doesn’t automatically equate to happiness. In reality, success often amplifies who you already are and how you feel, so it’s not a cure-all for life’s problems.

Redefining Success: Identifying Your True Motivations

Rather than obsessing over the notion of outperforming 99% of people, take some time to reflect on your underlying motivations for seeking such a high level of success.

Make sure you’re setting the right definition of success for yourself, and pursue your passions and goals for the right reasons.

By doing so, you’ll be more likely to achieve genuine fulfillment and satisfaction in life.

It’s important to remember that the reasons behind our anxiety may not be as crucial as our reactions to it. In this guide, let’s explore five comprehensive ways to help you deal with anxiety, along with one slower, long-term approach.

Emotions & Physiology: The Undeniable Connection

Our emotions are deeply intertwined with our physiological state.

When we repeatedly experience certain emotions, especially during our formative years, our bodies can adapt to this state as a natural response to various situations.

To challenge and change this, we have to consciously work on reacting differently when those emotions arise.

Here are five techniques to start with.

Technique 1: Breathe With Purpose

Controlled breathing techniques can effectively regulate our physiological state when anxiety strikes. One of the most popular methods is the 4-7-8 technique:

1. Inhale deeply through your nose for 4 seconds.
2. Hold your breath for 7 seconds.
3. Exhale slowly through your mouth for 8 seconds.

Repeat this cycle at least four times.

Ensure that you’re engaging your diaphragm while breathing, as this promotes better blood flow and helps your body relax.

Technique 2: Embrace the Calming Power of Meditation

Meditation is a potent tool in managing anxiety. It encourages deep, controlled breathing and teaches you to observe your thoughts and feelings without reacting to them.

This ability to let things be without judgment can improve various aspects of your life, making you more relaxed, patient, and resilient.

To start meditating:

1. Find a quiet space and sit comfortably.
2. Close your eyes and take a few deep breaths.
3. Focus on your breath and let your thoughts come and go without engaging with them.
4. Gradually increase your meditation time as you become more comfortable with the practice.

Technique 3: Share Your Thoughts and Feelings

Sometimes, the most straightforward solution to anxiety is to talk about it with someone.

By sharing your heightened emotions with a trusted friend, family member, or mental health professional, you may realize that your concerns aren’t as significant as they first appeared.

Connecting with others can provide support, encouragement, and the stability you need to navigate your anxiety.

Technique 4: Confronting the Worst-Case Scenario With Stoicism

Negative visualization is a concept from stoicism that involves imagining the worst-case scenario and learning to accept it.

This exercise enables you to think several steps ahead, recognize that you can handle whatever comes your way, and ultimately reduce anxiety.

To practice negative visualization:

1. Identify the situation that’s causing you anxiety.
2. Imagine the worst possible outcome.
3. Consider how you would cope with this outcome and the steps you would take to move forward.

Technique 5: Tequila Orgy

Just kidding!

While it’s tempting to conflate pleasure with happiness, pleasure is ultimately a false god and will eventually fail you.

But if you laughed a little at that, well that might help your anxiety too.

The Uncomfortable Reality: There’s No Quick Fix

Now, for the slower, long-term approach: The uncomfortable truth is that anxiety never completely disappears—we just become more adept at handling it.

High performers under pressure aren’t necessarily less anxious than others. They’ve simply developed strategies to manage their anxiety more effectively.

It’s essential to acknowledge that there’s no magic pill or instant solution to eradicate anxiety.

Rather than seeking a quick fix, we should focus on embracing a long-term mindset, gradually building resilience and equipping ourselves with tools to navigate anxiety when it arises, starting with the five four I’ve shared in this article.

You’re welcome.

For example, I’ve longed to be a surfer for years. The idea fascinated me so much that I even booked several weeks of surf lessons in Costa Rica.

Surfing can be incredibly meditative. It compels you to surrender control and simply respond to the unpredictability of the ocean.

The nature of surfing is such that you can’t control the waves. All you can do is react to them. It encourages a zen-like mindset where you learn to accept whatever comes your way and respond to it with your best effort.

Yet, despite the appeal, I soon realized a painful truth: I was more in love with the idea of being a surfer than actually surfing. The thought of catching the perfect wave was thrilling, but the reality involved a lot of crashing, paddling, and exhaustion.

Identity Versus Reality

This dissonance between the allure of an identity and the reality of it is something we all grapple with.

Why do we yearn to adopt these identities? For me, being a surfer was a way to fill a perceived void, an aspiration to be this cool, athletic beach bum.

It’s crucial to understand that wanting an identity is not the same as enjoying the work it entails. This lesson came to me through writing. It’s easy to call oneself a writer, but to put in the work and actually be a writer is another matter. It involves a lot more blood, sweat, and tears.

People often approach me, expressing a desire to become writers. The truth, however, is that many of them are drawn to the idea of being a writer, not the process of writing. They want the identity, not the work.

The Courage to Let Go

Admitting the disconnect between wanting an identity and enjoying the activity can be a tough pill to swallow.

I, too, had to face the fact that I didn’t find surfing fun after spending a considerable amount of money and time on it.

Many of us fall into the trap of adopting an identity, persevering through tasks we despise because of the persona they allow us to project. Just like the lawyer who loathes his job but clings to the successful lawyer persona, it’s easy to fear letting go of these illusions.

The real courage lies in being okay with not knowing who you are or what you want to do.

The Freedom of Letting Go

So, the question arises:

What are you doing in your life that you don’t actually love, but you’re doing it because of the image it projects or the persona it creates?

Identifying such areas can lead to the root cause of your anxiety, misery, or dysfunction. Such forced identities create unnecessary friction in our lives and often lead us to defensive behaviors to maintain these illusions.

Learning to let go of identities that don’t serve your happiness and fulfillment is liberating. As Seneca wisely put it, a rich man isn’t someone who has everything, but someone who wants nothing.

The more you desire things that aren’t authentically aligned with you, the less content you’ll feel. The process of letting go increases your sense of joy and fulfillment.

Upon realizing I wasn’t destined to be a “badass surf dude,” I felt an enormous sense of relief. I found comfort in embracing my true identity as a “nerd behind a computer.”

This realization helped me drop the burdensome façade and accept myself as I truly am. The key to a rich life is finding pleasure in the things themselves, not just in the identities they confer upon us.

Today, I’m giving you 14 non-fiction books I believe everyone should read.

For each book, I’ve provided a brief summary. Now it’s up to you to decide if it’s worth your time.

Let’s dig in.

1. The Body Keeps the Score
by Bessel van der Kolk

This book dives deep into the world of trauma, discussing its effects on the mind, body, and daily life.

If you want to know everything about trauma and how to deal with it, this is your go-to guide.

2. The Paradox of Choice
by Barry Schwartz

With more choices, we often feel less satisfied.

This book argues for simplifying our lives and limiting ourselves in various ways to combat the constant bombardment of options we face daily.

3. The Blank Slate
by Steven Pinker

Debunking the myth that our minds are born as clean slates, Pinker delves into the importance of genetics in shaping our identities.

This book is a must-read for anyone interested in the ongoing debates around gender, sex, and race.

4. Getting the Love You Want
by Dr. Harville Hendrix

This book explores the psychology of relationships, explaining the patterns we follow based on the mental maps we develop as children.

If you want to understand why you keep dating the same type of person, give this a read.

5. The Denial of Death
by Ernest Becker

A profound take on our motivations in life, this book suggests that we’re driven by a fear of death.

We undertake massive projects in the hope of leaving a legacy, allowing us to forget our mortality.

6. Influence
by Robert Cialdini

A must-read for those in marketing, sales, or publicity, this book examines the psychological triggers that influence decision-making.

It’s also useful for consumers who want to understand how they’re being manipulated.

7. Atomic Habits
by James Clear

James Clear tackles the emotional drivers behind habit change, explaining that changing emotions comes first, followed by physical behavior.

Learn how small actions can accumulate and compound over time.

8. The Elephant in the Brain
by Kevin Simler and Robin Hanson

Simler and Hanson delve into our darker impulses and the conscious mind’s attempts to rationalize them.

This book exposes the hidden motives behind our beliefs and attitudes.

9. Nonviolent Communication
by Marshall Rosenberg

Though slightly woo-woo, this book offers insight into the subtext and meaning embedded in our language when talking about feelings.

Understand how your use of language affects your emotions and relationships.

10. The Coddling of the American Mind
by Greg Lukianoff and Jonathan Haidt

Jonathan Haidt and Greg Lukianoff’s The Coddling of the American Mind takes a hard look at how changes in education, parenting styles, and technology have led to a more emotionally fragile population. They argue that it’s not the kids’ fault, but rather the responsibility of parents and teachers.

This book offers some important points about culture in recent generations.

11. So Good They Can’t Ignore You
by Cal Newport

Cal Newport’s So Good They Can’t Ignore You challenges the idea that purpose is something you just find. Instead, Newport contends that passion comes from first becoming great at something.

This book offers a fresh perspective on how to find purpose and passion in life.

12. The Psychology of Money
by Morgan Housel

Morgan Housel’s The Psychology of Money delves into popular assumptions about money and wealth. Housel, coming from the finance world, reveals that much of finance is more art than science.

This book shows that people’s understanding of money is often flawed and that those who want to be wealthy often just want to spend money—ironically, the very thing that prevents them from becoming wealthy.

13. The Second Mountain
by David Brooks

David Brooks’ The Second Mountain is a beautifully written book that charts a life course through two mountains—one of worldly success and the other of purpose.

This book is particularly profound for people in their 30s and 40s who are experiencing success for the first time and grappling with the question, “What’s the point?”

14. Democracy for Realists
by Christopher H. Achen and Larry M. Bartels

Lastly, Democracy for Realists is a dense, academic read that delves into the paradox of democracy—the more democratic a society, the worse choices they often make.

This book is sobering and eye-opening, providing examples of why people with expertise and experience should be the ones making important decisions.

Looking for More Books to Read?

I’ve put together a list of over 200 “best books” organized by genre, as well as my all-time recommended reading list that includes the book(s) I’m reading each month. Check them out.

I’ve had the pleasure of chatting with him on his podcast and even got some F-bombs out of him. But what really stuck with me was the idea of creating our own rules for life—guiding principles and codes that help define us as individuals.

So, without further ado, let me share my rules for life.

Disclaimer: These are MY rules for life, not a prescription for everyone. Take them or leave them, but let’s dive in.

Rule #1: Radical Responsibility

The first rule is taking responsibility for everything in your own experience, even if it’s not your fault.

This concept comes from existentialism, specifically Jean-Paul Sartre. He believed that in every moment, we’re making choices and that this constant choosing can be a burden.

To avoid this responsibility, we often blame others or adopt their values. Sartre called this “living in bad faith,” when we avoid responsibility and live for others rather than ourselves.

On the other hand, living authentically means making conscious choices based on our own principles and values. This idea of personal responsibility is essential for self-improvement and emotional health.

It’s crucial to understand that responsibility doesn’t equate to fault. Bad things happen, but it’s our responsibility to deal with them and move forward.

Rule #2: No Bad Emotions, Only Bad Reactions

The second rule is that there’s no such thing as a bad emotion—only bad reactions to emotions. Emotions are normal human functions, and what makes them good or bad is how we respond to them.

Emotional intelligence or emotional skill is essential in managing our emotions, and we all have our strengths and weaknesses.

Being open to experiencing emotions without judgment is the first step to emotional health. The second step is expressing these emotions in a healthy and non-damaging way.

A note: While it’s great that public figures are becoming more open about their emotions and mental health, we should avoid glorifying or judging them based on these emotions. Emotional vulnerability is essential, but let’s not lose sight of the fact that we’re all just human.

Rule #3: Radical Growth

The third rule is that every action and decision you make should be motivated to improve lives, both yours and others’. It’s about having a value towards radical growth and always maintaining the intention of growth and improvement.

These three rules—radical responsibility, radical acceptance, and radical growth—are simple, straight to the point, and pretty much impossible to live up to.

But that’s the point: good rules for life should require constant effort. Otherwise they wouldn’t be for life, would they?