Most often, dentists say something like, “There’s absolutely no way you can feel that,” and then they proceed with the drill. And I endure, thinking, It’s all in my head, or, It’s meant to hurt a bit, and I deep-breathe and body-clench my way through it.

Until I found my current dentist. He started a procedure, I started to wince, and he said, “You can feel that, can’t you!” And I mumbled, “Ya! I CAN!” And he said, very kindly, “You’re one of those!” Eureka! And I started to get teary, not from pain but from relief that finally, someone got me, and finally, I knew it wasn’t in my head. I could feel it.

So ya, I have dental baggage. But I recently got permission to put it down …

I’m having a basic dental cleaning. The hygienist hits a spot and my whole body jerks. It was far from excruciating, it was just, nervy. We actually both laughed at how dramatic my physical reaction was.

And … my first response was, “It’s okay.” In a nano-second I told myself, despite the evidence, that it didn’t actually happen. “Keep going, I can take it,” I told her. And then this: “But you shouldn’t have to take it,” she said. “We can make this easy for you.” And she gave me a pinch of freezing in the right place and we sailed on.

Default refrain: I can take it.
Paradigm-shifting response: But you shouldn’t have to.

VALIDATING YOUR PAIN IS THE FIRST STEP TO SANITY, STRENGTH & HEALING

1. Acknowledgement first, analysis second. If you have a reaction — a rush of emotion, a dark thought lunges in, a curious question circles your mind, your stomach flips, or your heart goes ba-boom — then something is really actually, for real, for sure happening to you. You’re having an experience that is true for you. Never mind qualifying how justifiable or sane your painful or fearful reaction is, just notice that it is really happening — because denying it is a form of insanity.
2. Endurance can be a very unwise choice. As inevitable as emotional and physical suffering is, it doesn’t always serve to make us stronger — sometimes it just wears you right down. Sometimes, the test of strength is to say “This isn’t working,” the millisecond it’s not working.
3. Believe your pain. It’s not a friend you want to invite over, but when it does show up, it always — always — brings you precious information about what’s best for you.
4. Dare to be high maintenance. I bet you’re invincible in many areas of your life. But when you need it, ask for special treatment.
5. You want people on your team who believe you. I have friends who would be dead now if they didn’t keep looking for a doctor who believed what they said or how their body was responding. Keep searching for a lover who understands your vision of partnership, a collaborator who can see your dream, friends who are tuned in enough to say, “Is everything okay?”

Healing happens in resonance, not opposition.
If it hurts, it hurts.
Bring your pain into the light and everything changes.

Tuesday, June 25. 12pm PT / 3pm ET.

We’ll be talking about Core Desired Feelings and the real reasons we resist what we want the most.

We’ll also explore and share concepts for creating goals with soul and using The Desire Map as a practice for vitality.

I’ll be on video. You’ll type out your questions or comments. Anything goes. Or … you can just sit back and enjoy the show.

You can watch online, via mobile, or on your tablet. It’s open to everyone for FREE.

We’ll also be chatting on Twitter with the hashtag #DesireMap.

Anyone can watch, but if you register below, you will receive a link to the recording, even if you are unable to attend.

Already have a question for me? Ask it early HERE.

Interactive and live. Bring your desires and your sharp minds. It will all happen HERE.

See you there!

Love,
 

BUZZ THE LOVE

Getting my #DesireMap Q’s ready for @DanielleLaPorte. June 25. Live call on Feelings & Resistance. Check it. http://bit.ly/11Y8cOA

I know @DanielleLaPorte gives good Q&A. I’m there: Core Desired Feelings & Resistance. Spreecast. June 25. RSVP: http://bit.ly/11Y8cOA

Big star on my calendar for June 25: The #DesireMap Live Q&A w/ @DanielleLaPorte. Free form Q&A. Check it: http://bit.ly/11Y8cOA

With every page I fed into the fireplace, I smiled. Thank you. Goodbye. Hellohhh here & now.

REASONS FOR THE BIG BURN

1. I’m not interested in the idea of leaving a legacy. If I die tomorrow and vanish from everyone’s memories, fine by me. I’m here for now.
2. I love deep and I’m very ritualistic, but I’m not very nostalgic.
3. I love my present and I love my future. I love the vastness of my past. But I’ve found that investing in the future has way better ROI (Return On Investment).
4. I’ve come to the conclusion that reliving pain is actually not that conducive to my joy, growth, or creativity. Nope, it just isn’t. I’ve tried recapitulation and obsessive attachment as a means to self-improvement, and it blows. I can find plenty to be sad about in my current life — I don’t need to dig up old material.
5. I love ritual and adore fire. So, duh, let’s BURN THE PAST. Really, if you want to burn something DOWN, invite me. Funeral pyre, anyone? I’ll bring the matches.
6. For me, clutter-free living is up there with rainbows, front row seats, and answered prayers.

INSIGHTS FROM THE BURN

1. It helped me become even more glaringly aware of my insignificance on the planet. I find this thrilling. Generally, I’m happy with the work I put into the world. No false modesty here. But realistically, not long after I die my work will fade from view. Beyond say, my great-grandchildren, if they ever come to be, I’m dust on this plane. Dust to dust.

Personal insignificance is provocative when you’re making your art. Remembering how insignificant you are helps you to be more daring, more honest, more … here.

2. Privacy is powerful energy to harness. One of my favourite things about being alive is the fleeting intimacy of events. Me. You. A moment only we shared. Gone. God, I love that compression of the sacred and the mundane. I like knowing that most everything will never happen again. So let it go.
3. I want my past to move through me like water. I want my ideal future to come to me as easily. Fluid yesterday, fluid tomorrow.
4. You get to make it all up anyway. History is malleable because memory is subjective.
5. Do not give your past the power to define your future.

There are historians. There are burners. I’d never advise on journal-burning matters. But I can tell you this: Traveling lighter helps me shine brighter.

---

Eventually, you’ll stop looking out there — stop in your tracks, or in a slow grinding halt.
In the middle of the noise and the obligations it will dawn on you
(maybe right now) that the real you emerges.

The real you emerges.
Because it’s already there — beneath beliefs, and untruths, and fatigue, and wonderful experiments.

The real you emerges.
When you are courageous enough to be still. When you act on your inclinations.
When you …
Put your preferences on the altar of your life and say, “THIS. THIS is what compels me.”

The real you emerges.
From lifetimes of living. From the accumulation of your prayers. From your groin. From your gaze.

The real you emerges.
Not from anyone’s teachings, but from what resonates in your cells.
Resonance. Resonance. Resonance.

The real you emerges.
When you dance, when you let down your guard, when you’ve had enough,
in between breaths and waves, and let downs, and bliss;
in your fantasies and steady longing.

And the real you will surprise you — like God tends to do —
with it’s options for euphoria and blazing vitality.

And it will carry you — like you long to be carried –
if you let it emerge.

We were in mediation. The Other Guy sat on one side of the Mediator Man, I sat on the other. We drank water out of styrofoam cups.

I walked into that boardroom certain of two things: I was right about who owed who what, and I was not caving in.

I stated it clearly at the beginning of the meeting when the mediator asked me what I had to say to open the meeting. “I haven’t come here to negotiate,” I said. 100% certain, over my dead body, no-way-in-hell. Locked DOWN.

The Other Guy and I each shared our perceived facts, some data — all with restrained emotion. We were polite and professional. He wasn’t a jerk, I wasn’t overly chilly. (Because, you know… There was a time in our lives when we shared meals and wine with our families, stories, and plans for the future.) We both made some attempts at humour to lighten the mood.

Mediator Man then calls for a break to meet with each of us privately….

BINDERS & FREEDOM

“So what do you want to do?” Mediator asked me.

“Nothing. I’m not doing anything about this. He can suck it, because he’s wrong, and I’m right. And you know it. And I know that you know that I know it.” We laughed. After all I’d been through with business failure and success, I could take this in stride.

“Let me explain what’s involved from this point forward if you decide not to negotiate,” said Mediator Man.

And MM went on to describe how The System worked: It’d be another six months before the claim file was reviewed, there’d be another meeting with a court judge, and then a court date would be set for about eight months after that. Long … drawn out … litigious …. hell.

I raised my eyebrow. “So I have to come to this building again?” I asked.

“Yep. And you’ll have to prepare documents from the last five years,” he answered.

“FIVE years?!” I burst out. “Jesus Christ. Is this a scare tactic or are you for real?”

“For real.” Mediator nodded. “And you’ll have to do it in triplicate — a binder for The Other Guy, a binder for the judge, and a binder for you.”

“That’s three binders, eh?” I confirmed. I hate binders.

“Three binders,” nodded Mediator Man.

“He’s wrong. And I’m right.” I confirmed.

It would be totally out of bounds for him to agree with me, but Mediator Man nodded, slightly but affirmatively. I felt somewhat victorious with his subtle affirmation. I didn’t care if he was doing it to appease me.

I took a good, long pause. Last sip out of the styrofoam cup.

“Well I don’t have time for three binders. I’ve got a life to live, books to write. Fuck the binders. Bring The Other Guy back in, I’ll make a deal.”

I turned on a dime, and it felt great. Total rush. I felt like I’d scored a touchdown for Team Sanity. I high-fived Mediator Man, who was visibly amazed and relieved.

I offered The Other Guy a quarter of what he was asking for. He took it. End of story.

When freedom is your intention, you’ll be more agile in life.
You’ll pay small prices to get huge returns.
You’ll eat some ego to expand your possibilities.
You’ll be home in time for dinner.

Love your sadness. It won’t last. A friend texted me late at night. I caught it just as I was turning off my bedroom light. Love my sadness? …

DANIELLE Magazine: Call for submissions! We’re launching the inaugural issue in September. Our writing submissions request is now closed for Issue 1, but there will be more opportunities opening in July. We’re still looking for art and photography contributions …

What I know about working with people (and yes, this also applies to romance — as does most business advice) If you want to build remarkably awesome things, then partner with people who feel like their whole life has prepared them for the opportunity at hand. If someone says something like …

What’s your Creativity Pattern? When you identify your Creativity Pattern you’ve got a very powerful opportunity: Change the way you get stuff done because it’s killing you, or keep mastering your tao of doing because it’s getting you beautiful results across the board …

The scent of consciousness: a concept for noticing your energy Short story: My boy and I are on a holiday. Alongside a bunch of other tourists of all shapes and sizes, we’re crammed in the back of a shuttle van going from the hotel to the main attraction …

The standards by which you measure yourself The only metric that matters: How free and fulfilled do you feel doing what you’re doing? …

Never start your plan with a compromise Incubation time is a tender, fiery phase when your vision is weaving itself into a strategy, and it’s tempting to fall back on convention. But don’t. Not now. Please, not yet …

Be The Giver. Give. Be the giver. Be generous. Be voluptuous with your love …

Give. Be the giver. Be generous. Be voluptuous with your love.

Give first. Be the first to say who you are — otherwise, the world will define you and you’ll have less to give.

Be the first to say I love you, because you do love — instantly.

Be the first to give an apology, even if you’re just thinking about being sorry.

Giving will show you who you are.
(You may not be who you thought you were, and you’ll realize you have so much more … to give.)

Give up your seat.

Give up your beliefs and you’ll be able to give more freely.

Give in the way that only you can give.

Give of yourself. You’ll never regret it.

And never stop giving.

Incubation time is a tender, fiery phase when your vision is weaving itself into a strategy, and it’s tempting to fall back on convention. But don’t. Not now. Please, not yet.

Convention has it’s merits, but when you’re kicking off something new, always think rogue. If it doesn’t work, you can dial back to the conventional channel. The start of a plan is THE time to be your most unfurled self, to wave your flag, to seize your ideals. Because if you don’t do it now, you may never.

I’m in that place myself right now. Starting a magazine — in print (!), with some digital elements, with advertising, and commissioned artwork and photography, and contributors and editors, and retail distribution. Like, a real magazine. And … we’re creating a suite of other things that will make this unlike any other reading experience out there. It’s thrilling.

I had no idea how to start a magazine a few short months ago (and I don’t know much now.) So naturally we started doing our homework. And naturally, I felt it was imperative to remind our mighty lil’ creative family that we’re freedom-seekers. I rarely send messages down from the mount. But beginnings call for sermons. Here’s an excerpt from the letter I sent to my co-builders.

. . . . . .

from: Danielle LaPorte
to: Angie, Alex, Bryce, Shannon, Jenn
date: Tue, Apr 30, 2013 at 11:05 AM
subject: Smart magic

Team Dynasty,

A philosophical note on what we’re about to create…

Angie and I spoke yesterday about the growth strategy of the magazine. Vision. How fast we grow. Mostly, HOW do we grow it. In short: We’re going to grow this our way. In a way that feels good, healthy, fun. Joyful. Freedom-based.

The magazine/publishing space is extremely noisy. There’s a lot of fear and scrambling in the industry. Dieing breeds. Bloated budgets. Compromise and appealing to the lowest common denominator. Everyone is trying to get to new readers — in old ways. Direct mail is an absurdly expensive, unreliable and therefore high risk way to entice people. And buying mailing lists is always a bit creepy. I’m not ruling out direct mail down the road. But it’s highly unlikely for us. I’m stating this as an example of one of the ways that we do NOT have to conform to traditional ways of building this.

If we have one dollar to spend on marketing, we’ll spend fifty cents of it on building/maintaining a gorgeous, SEO-powerful site, and fifty cents on online advertising like Facebook or audience-resonating sites.

We have a powerful combination of strengths and assets: a major online presence and highly engaged readers. And the pure love we’re givin’. Online, we have a high response rate and low unsubscribe rate and we’re growing steadily in terms of traffic and subscribers. And then there’s that pure love we’re givin’.

We also have multiple platforms/products/revenue streams for the business. So whatever we draw attention to — the magazine, Desire Map, Your Big Beautiful Book Plan, posts — is an entry point into a world of ways for people to get engaged, learn, buy, become devoted, be ambassadors.

Another thing to keep in mind: It’s not about revenue. It’s PROFIT that wins. And we are lean and mean…ingful. No big buildings to lease; we’re a small, smart team making frugal and faithful choices.

We’re in a very strong place to create a sustainable and profitable magazine. This is what I really want to impress on us as we start to play in this very big field. We are already turned on and tuned in. We have a lot of magic and deep insight into the digital space that will make … more magic.

We’ll do this the way we do things. The way we want. Joy is the aim. And… we’re going to surprise countless people with how solid and useful and beautiful — and fucking awesome this is.

All for now.

xoxo

. . . . . .

You’ve got to be still at the starting gate so you can hear your truth. This is the time to create your own conventions and systems that support you to be creative, truly innovated — and free.

Unfurl your self, wave your flag, seize your ideals.

To beautiful beginnings,

There will always be someone you grew up with who “made it” — further than you have.

A peer who is out-selling, out-travelling, out-doing … you.

You live in the same neighbourhood, but they got the bigger house.

Same social circle, but they’ve got the better … whatever.

Same desires, but they landed the dream deal.

You know what?…

Who cares.

If you measure your success against someone else’s results, you will never be free – ever.

The only metric that matters: How free and fulfilled do you feel doing what you’re doing?

It’s not a status question because…
If you play the status game, there’s always someone who can out status you.

Your life. Your version of success.

……

PS…
It’s my birthday this week. Something pretty fabulous usually happens ’round here on that day. Like maybe … the annual Pay What You Can Day.
Friday, May 24th. You might want to remind yourself to drop by on that day. Just sayin’.

“His attitude stinks.” “She’s a breath of fresh air.” “I smell a rat.” You emit energy. Like flowers have fragrance, like … garbage is smelly.

Your words, your energy, your vibe … they smack or sweeten someone else’s energy field — like fragrance wafts into their olfactory system.

Short story: My boy and I are on a holiday. Alongside a bunch of other tourists of all shapes and sizes, we’re crammed in the back of a shuttle van going from the hotel to the main attraction. Tourist Lady in the front starts complaining about the hotel service. She has a valid point. But she goes on, and ON. And it escalates into name calling and general unclassy-ness. The driver dude is respectfully nodding his head. We’re trapped. I say nothing, play with my kid’s fingers, enjoy the view.

We get out of the van and I say to m’boy, calmly, neutrally, curious: “So what’d you think of that lady and what she had to say?”

The Kid: She kinda stunk up the whole van with her talking, didn’t she?

Me: Yep. That’s what ‘mean’ smells like. Complaining is a vibe. Happiness is a vibe. And everyone around you can smell your vibe.

The Kid: Well she should have shut her vibe up sooner.

“Emitting energy” can be such an abstract term to get a hold of, but if we imagine that our consciousness has a fragrance, if we visualize that our words, our gaze, our thoughts have a scent, then the concept starts to land. And then maybe we become more aware of what we’re emanating — or what’s left behind after we leave the room.

Bubble gum requests, jasmine invitations, the rose of compassion, citrus encouragement, the trace of a little lie, the stench of nasty, confection affection, the smelling salts of truth, the spice of provocation… What’s your signature blend?