How to Repair a Relationship on the Rocks

Father and daughter expect child together

2011-03-24T19:21:00.000-07:00

A woman who tracked down her long-lost father in the US is now pregnant with his child.

Garry Ryan, 46, was tracked down by his daughter Penny Lawrence, 28, last year. He had left Ms Lawrence's mother when she was pregnant, so father and daughter had never met.

Following the death of her mother and the grandparents who raised her, Ms Lawrence, from Los Angeles, became obsessed with finding her father, and tracked him down to Houston, Texas.

Upon meeting, they felt an instant physical attraction, which resulted in a sexual relationship. Ms Lawrence is now pregnant with her father's child.

The couple claim that their attraction is the result of something called Genetic Sexual Attraction, a term coined in the 1980s to describe overwhelming feelings between blood relatives who first meet as adults.

Speaking with The Irish Sun newspaper, Ms Lancaster said: "We are not committing incest, but are victims of GSA. We’ve never experienced a father-daughter relationship, so we’re just like any other strangers who meet in adulthood."

The couple said that if the three month scan of their baby shows it does not have birth defects, they plan to keep the child and raise it together.

The couple are aware that their relationship is illegal, and are afraid the law will be used to separate them.

In the US, a sexual relationship between close blood relatives is illegal, although the specifics of incest laws vary between states. A close blood relative usually includes father, mother, brother and sister, aunt, uncle, niece and nephew but may also extend to first cousins, step parents and step brothers and sisters.

Several theories surround the phenomenon of GSA, including the notion that humans are frequently attracted to faces similar to their own.

It also embraces the theory that if two people who are genetically related do not meet until adulthood, the normal sexual aversion that develops between siblings during childhood is somehow switched off.

Indeed, GSA can affect parents separated from their own children at birth, as well as siblings. It does not refer to a genetic sexual attraction, but to the fact that people are genetically connected.

The emotions that GSA engenders are reportedly intense and all consuming, leading those affected by it to act against their interest to pursue a relationship with their relative.

There have been cases of mothers and sons, and long lost brothers becoming intimate under the compulsion of GSA.

The situation is reported to be quite common in reunions between adoptees.

The term GSA was coined in the 1980s by Barbara Gonyo after reuniting with the son she had given up for adoption.

Upon reuniting with him 26 years later, she was horrified to discover that she had feelings for him akin to those of a lover, rather than a mother. She investigated her own feelings about her son and wrote a book in which she coined the phrase Genetic Sexual Attraction.

Marriage Counseling Advice… Give Your Spouse Space to Breathe and Grow

2010-08-28T17:24:00.000-07:00

When you’re married, the boundaries between yourself and your spouse aren’t always clear. For some people, marriage brings the expectation of spending as much time as possible with a spouse and doing most things together. In this model of marriage, the two people generally function as a single unit in thought and actions.

In other cases, individuals may not have learned healthy boundaries as children, and they may have been exposed to negative control on the part of adults in their life. In her book Facing Codependence, Pia Melody lists negative control as one of the secondary symptoms of codependence that affects your relationships with others. She defines negative control as giving yourself permission to determine someone else’s reality for your own comfort.

According to Melody, negative control “happens whenever I give myself permission to determine for another person what he or she should look like (including dress and body size), or think, feel, and do or not do!” There is also a flip side to negative control, which is “allowing someone else to control me.” Melody continues by stating, “Whenever I fail to determine for myself what I look like, what I think, what I feel, and what I do or don’t do, and allow someone else to control any of those things for me, I am participating in negative control.”
When you do not have healthy, distinct personal boundaries, you may try to change your spouse to be more like you want him/her to be to meet your needs and expectations. In so doing, you are dishonoring your partner and are not respecting his/her unique individuality and right to make choices. You are also failing to provide protected space so that your spouse’s individual growth and potential can flourish.
Couples who do everything together miss putting important spaces in their togetherness so that new, separate growth can occur. Without new growth and fresh input from each person, a relationship can stagnate and lack vitality.

It’s important for each spouse to have some time alone to pursue individual interests or enjoy being in solitude. Anne Morrow Lindberg, in her classic book, Gift from the Sea, states that “Only when one is connected to one’s own core is one connected to others, I am beginning to discover. And, for me, the core, the inner spring, can best be refound through solitude.” Solitude and time to “just be” can help each partner replenish energy and a sense of well-being.

Kahlil Gibran’s words about marriage in The Prophet have been quoted often through the years, but they keep their wisdom and meaning: “…let there be spaces in your togetherness. And let the winds of the heavens dance between you.” He continues by saying, “...And stand together, yet not too near together, for the pillars of the temple stand apart, and the oak tree and the cypress grow not in each other’s shadow.”

When you crowd your partner and don’t give him or her breathing room, you run the risk of smothering the very relationship that is most important to you. Enjoy your togetherness, but also honor your individuality.

Marriage Guidance… 12 Steps to Creating an Affair-Proof Marriage

2010-08-20T18:19:00.000-07:00

There’s no way to completely protect yourself from an unhappy marriage resulting from an affair on your part or your spouse’s, but there are defined steps you can take to greatly lower the probability of that happening.
It is important to know what you can do to strengthen your connection with your spouse and keep your relationship strong and healthy and avoid the risk of marriage trouble. A rewarding, satisfying marriage that meets the needs of both partners is your best protection against the marriage problems provoked by an affair.
So what can you do in order to “affair proof” your marriage as much as possible? The following twelve steps will direct you in building a stronger marriage and help you and your spouse to save the marriage needless stress due to infidelity:

Make your relationship with your spouse your number one priority when dealing with family, friends, co-workers, neighbors, and others. Make a definite commitment of energy, time and effort to your marriage. You can end up torn in so many different directions and over-extended that your most valuable and precious relationship ends up as a casualty of a marriage crisis unless you make it a top priority.
Protect the emotional intimacy in your marriage.

Make time to connect each day, not just about the events that have happened, but also about your feelings. Share on an emotional level—what you're afraid of, your frustrations, your disappointments, your joys, and your challenges. Let your spouse know how much you value being able to talk to him or her about anything and to connect on an emotionally intimate level.
Show your appreciation on a regular basis.

Be generous with thank you’s and compliments. Tell your partner at least once a week how much you appreciate him or her and list the qualities that you admire, love and respect. Don’t worry if you’ve said these things before—no one gets tired of hearing their good traits recognized!
Spend time together doing things that are fun and just “hanging out.”

Bonding can deepen when you and your mate have unstructured time to just hang out and relax together. If every minute of your time together is rushed and tightly scheduled, you’ll miss out on opportunities to be spontaneous. Look for enjoyable things to do—a picnic in the park, trying a new restaurant, a hike, going out dancing, or going swimming.
Keep an active sex life .

Sometimes being fatigued or sick gets in the way of sexual desire, as does family stress such as caring for an ill or aging parent. Certainly the time and energy required to raise children can leave parents drained and “on empty.” In spite of these challenges, it’s important to make time for sex. The truth is that most spouses are more vulnerable to sexual advances and flirtations from others when their sex life at home is unhappy.
Discuss and resolve issues when they come up. Don’t just hide them or avoid trying to resolve them. Learn how you can disagree without being disagreeable and causing long-term harm to your relationship. Most importantly—communicate, communicate, communicate. Keep the communication channel wide open at all times to keep potential marital problems at bay.
Talk about the risk of infidelity and know that it can happen in any marriage.

Bring the subject out into the open and show your feelings and deepest fears. Brainstorm with your partner about how you can keep your marriage strong and what the two of you believe would be helpful in preventing an affair from happening. Commit to telling your mate if you feel vulnerable or if things start getting out of control at any time in any situation. Many a couple facing marriage separation neglected to consider this.
Share with each other goals for the present and future that inspire you.

When your spouse and you share common goals that you’re passionate about, you will feel closer to each other and more bonded. It helps you to feel like a strong team. The feeling of partnership is essential in deepening commitment to each other. Whatever your mutual dream is, the passion you bring in going after it can draw you closer together and help fix marriage problems before you need a marriage counselor.
Make wise choices about contact with the opposite sex at work and other settings.

You may encounter special situations and temptations at business parties or on business trips for your work. Talk candidly with your spouse and agree on what you both feel comfortable with. If your spouse is on a business trip and the group goes out dancing, will you be upset if your spouse participates? Plan ahead and head off potential problems so that you may never need marriage counseling to fix your marriage or to stop divorce.
Know the danger signs.

Many an affair has started with individuals sharing intimate personal information with each other on a regular basis without confiding in their respective spouses. Intimacy can mushroom quickly when secrecy is involved and a feeling of connection develops. Additional danger signals are having increased sexual excitement about seeing a particular person, being in settings with plenty of alcohol and drinking when your spouse isn’t present, and being more susceptible than usual due to feelings of rejection, loneliness, or anger at your spouse.
Celebrate your love, birthdays, anniversaries, and other special occasions.

Value your marriage and take advantage of every chance to celebrate, such as your wedding anniversary, your spouse’s birthday, the date that you met, and any other special days that the two of you share. This helps to keep the romance strong and also to keep your connection alive. A good marriage guidance counselor will tell you to celebrate your love, your plans for the future, your time together, and the priceless present moment.
Support each other’s dreams and goals.

Make a commitment to help your spouse be all that she or he is capable of being. Your relationship is only strengthened when you are both happy and fulfilled with your life. It’s to your advantage to help your spouse reach goals that are important to her or him, even if they aren’t your particular goals. Be encouraging and positive of your spouse’s desires to live up to his or her potential.

By adhering to these twelve principles, you will minimize the risk of a troubled marriage ending with marital separation due to infidelity.

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Repair Marriage... How to Minimize Hurt Feelings When You and Your Spouse Disagree

2010-08-16T17:13:00.000-07:00

One of the biggest on-going challenges for couples is how to reduce the bruised feelings that can result from disagreements and arguments. The residue from a no-holds barred “attack your opponent” verbal fight can last for decades. It is a result that may cause marital problems, marriage separation and ultimately, divorce, if over time it’s handled without care.

I have worked with many couples in marriage counseling who have struggled with forgiving each other for hurtful words they have said during a fight. Numerous times, the residue from a shouting match or an argument is left to accumulate like toxic dust on the relationship, with each subsequent episode adding another layer. Eventually, the fallout interferes with every component of the marriage as unaddressed issues and resentment build up until a marriage crisis is reached.

The tone of voice you use and the words you say during an argument are important. So is the way you give your message (screaming and hollering, for instance) and any non-verbal gestures you use (shaking or pointing your finger in your partner’s face). If you make fun of your spouse and show disrespect for him or her, you are hurting the chances for any real communication between the two of you.

All this makes it more and more difficult to pull back from the brink of major marriage problems, stressful confrontations and ultimately marital separation and divorce.

The same is also true if you make any threatening gestures and try to intimidate your partner with your anger. Honest, healthy communication requires a sense of safety from attack. Any good marriage counselor will tell you that a spouse who is afraid her partner will ridicule her ideas or feelings, either at the time or later during an argument, isn’t going to share what she is really feeling or thinking.

So how can you and your mate create an atmosphere of safety and protection so that you can both express your real feelings and thoughts? And how can you disagree in a way that you don’t permanently damage your marriage?

You can take action by asking your spouse if the two of you can collaborate to develop a list of fair fighting rules that you both agree to follow.

**Begin to Repair Your Marriage with These 10 Suggestions**

Here are several guidelines often used in marriage counseling sessions for you to consider:

Even when you are in the white heat of anger, consider the possible damage that you could do if you let your anger out unrestrained. The challenge is for each of you to express yourself without damaging the what’s most important in your marriage. The core of the relationship has to be protected. There is no place in a healthy marriage for a spouse who wants to win an argument at all costs, no matter what she or he has to say or do to “win.” The same goes for a spouse who wants to “win” by hurting the partner as much as possible. Marital counseling could provide a safety valve when discussing sensitive issues.
Be sure to show respect for each other, even if you can’t figure out how your spouse could possibly feel the way she or he does. You don’t have to agree and you don’t have to understand it—you just have to respect your spouse’s right to have differing ideas and opinions.
Prohibit name-calling, cursing, belittling, mockery, sarcasm, screaming, and pushing, slapping, or other physical or emotional abuse. These actions will only cause hard feelings and division between you and will hurt your relationship. They will not help you to find constructive ways to resolve your differences. A marriage guidance expert can function as a coach to help reframe arguments.
Don’t use words such as “always” and “never,” such as “You’re always late. I’m sick and tired of always waiting for you. You’re never on time for anything.” The words “never” and “always” are examples of over-generalizing, and they close communication doors instead of opening them. In addition, they divert the discussion from the real issues and turn the focus onto whether or not the other partner can come up with an example of a time when she or he wasn’t late but the partner was.
Keep the discussion focused on the issue at hand. Many relationships have an informal “historian” who can recall every mistake the other spouse has ever made. When this happens, the discussion is diverted from the current issue to an argument about what may or may not have happened in the past, which greatly reduces the odds that the current disagreement will be resolved. Stick with present events instead of revisiting past history which can’t be changed.
Listen to each other and let each person speak her or his mind. This can be difficult to do when you’re impatient, frustrated, and agitated. But until you’ve heard each other out, you do not have all the information you need to try to reach a respectful compromise.
Take a break from the discussion when it gets too heated or “heavy.” Step outside on the deck, go to the bathroom, or do some deep breathing exercises to help relieve the stress. Let yourself cool down and give yourself a chance to recover your composure before continuing the discussion.
Apologize immediately if you slip and say something that could hurt your spouse’s feelings. Say, “I didn’t mean that. I am sorry. I didn’t mean for that to come out sounding like that. Please forgive me for saying that. Let me try again.”
Look for a “win-win” compromise solution. Some issues are more important to one spouse than the other, and it builds up good will to go along with your partner’s views when it doesn’t matter nearly as much to you.

If your mate wants you to record the checks you write in a certain way so that it’ll be easier for her or him to handle the bill-paying, it probably makes sense to agree to go along with it, even if it’s not the way you would do it. That will build up some good will so that the next time you have a differing viewpoint about something that’s really important to you, you’ll have a better chance of getting support from your spouse.
If the subject’s too emotional for you and your spouse to resolve between you, then you might consider enlisting the help of a professional counselor to act as mediator. It may only take two to three sessions to clear the air, generate some new options, and reach a decision. And the best part is that by using a counselor to help you work out an acceptable compromise, you avoid the long-term strain and emotional drain that could damage your marriage for years.

Click Here!Until you and your spouse can talk about emotional issues and have different opinions without being disrespectful to each other, it will be hard to tackle the really crucial issues in your marriage with any chance of real success. Without mutual respect and the security of knowing that you won’t be ridiculed, you will both be reluctant to express your true feelings and to show vulnerability.
But honesty with your genuine emotions is a key to overcoming your
Click Here! marital crisis and re-establishing an intimate marriage.

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Stop Divorce…Ten Danger Signals to Look for in Your Marriage

2010-08-15T00:11:00.001-07:00

Healthy marriages require time, energy, attention, and vigilance. It’s not realistic to think that you can have a great marriage without effort on your part. And the truth is, to stop divorce from wrecking a home, a smart spouse must be aware of the danger signals that foreshadow marriage problems.

It helps to be observant, to ask questions when you don’t understand something, and to be aware of changes in behavior, tone of voice, and attitude. Communication experts have discovered that only seven percent of our communication is verbal, while the other ninety-three percent is based on body language and tone of voice.

Marriage counselors typically tell their clients to pay attention to much more than just the words a spouse actually says.

There are ten danger signals that you should be aware of to head off trouble in your marriage before problems become more serious. Pay attention when:

1. Your spouse acts upset but says “Nothing’s the matter” when you ask, yet you’re sure there’s more to it. Trust your gut feeling about this. Females in particular are prone to say “Nothing’s wrong” when asked “What’s the matter?” This often indicates that there is something they really want to say, but they don’t feel comfortable saying it. Work on creating a safe atmosphere for the sharing of mutual concerns.

2. You question your spouse about something and then get a listless, barely audible “Okay, that’s fine,” but the tone doesn’t sound sincere. This answer is similar to number one. What’s usually obvious from the tone of voice and other non-verbal communication is that for sure something is wrong. Everything is not right. And if that “something” doesn’t come out into the open where it can be resolved, it will surface later and cause marital difficulties.

3. Your spouse is unusually agitated or anxious when you walk in unexpectedly while he or she is on the computer. It could just be a coincidence, but it may also be that your partner is involved in doing something that he or she does not want you to see. To know if it’s nothing or if something is happening will take observation over a period of time. Becoming involved with someone online isn’t harmless, as some partners will claim. It robs a marriage of focused energy and commitment, plus it can lead to an affair in real time.

4. You notice that your spouse is being secretive about text messages or cell phone calls. Sometimes a spouse will find the partner hiding in the closet or locked in the bathroom talking on the cell phone. This is certainly a sign to pay attention to, but don’t jump to conclusions. Just observe for awhile. Sometime there’s a good explanation such as a spouse who’s making secret calls to set up a surprise birthday party for the partner. But if that’s not the case, then the secret calls could be a signal that your marriage is in trouble.

5. Your spouse has a significant change in moods, socialization patterns, enjoyment of life, or grooming/appearance. A spouse may become depressed and sometimes the mate doesn’t put the clues together to realize what’s happening. The spouse who is feeling depressed may experience changes in sleep patterns, appearance, eating, and hygiene. There may also be uncharacteristic isolation from friends and family, as well as loss of interest crying spells in things that used to bring pleasure. In these cases, it’s time to consult with your spouse’s physician.

6. You realize that your spouse has developed a pattern of trying to avoid going to bed when you do and sleeping in the same bed with you. Numerous wives have shared in counseling that they stay up later than their husbands on purpose to avoid sex. Or they may say that a child won’t go to sleep unless they lie down with the child. Then, the parent often ends up going to sleep in the child’s room, while giving the excuse that they didn’t want to wake the partner or that the parent fell asleep without meaning to. The warning sign comes when this turns into a nightly pattern, not an occasional occurrence.

7. You realize that you don’t know who your partner really is any more. This is certainly a wake-up alarm that it’s time to make your marriage a top priority. At this point, you’ll want to spend extra time together talking and sharing from the heart. One common complaint marital counselors hear is, “He (or she) doesn’t really know who I am. I’m just someone who keeps the house clean and takes care of the kids (or I’m just a paycheck to her). Take the time to rediscover what your spouse is really thinking and feeling.

8. Your relationship feels dull and stale. If this feeling continues, both you and your spouse could become more susceptible to the lure of an affair. Deliberately schedule plans to save your marriage from boredom by trying new things and going to new places, and of course, look at how you could spice up your sex life with your mate. Could you trade off babysitting time with a friend so you can leave the kids and get away for a weekend with your spouse? Or leave the kids at a friend’s house while you and your partner stay home alone?

9. You find yourself living in the same house with your partner but never really connecting. If this happens, it’s time to schedule a time each day to sit, talk, hold hands, share feelings, hug, and reconnect. You can’t afford to lose your feeling of bonding and closeness with your partner. Make your marriage your priority and immediately cut back on extra activities. Without emotional closeness, your marriage will lose its passion and momentum.

10. You realize your sense of fun and joy has been replaced by complacency and resignation. It’s time to liven things up. Are you in a rut? Shake things up and put some variety in your marriage. Maybe you could agree to those dance lessons your wife has been begging you to take with her. Or perhaps it’s time to go on that camping trip your husband has been asking you to go with him on for months. Whatever you do, don’t just sit there—do something fun!

Use these ten tips to forestall these marital problems that have caused countless relationships to end in marriage separation and divorce. Instead you can have a great marriage starting with your awareness of what is not working and making the appropriate changes.

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Save Marriage from Divorce… Ten Ways to Add Romance and Fun

2010-08-12T16:44:00.001-07:00

Every marriage needs a good dose of on-going romance to add delight, spice, and fun to the relationship. It’s not enough just to start out with a sizzling romance. You have to find a way to keep the romance alive as the months and years go by to save your marriage from becoming too predictable and boring.

One of the challenges many married couples face is how to live together without losing that special romantic spark. It’s all too easy to forget (or never learn) the many ways to show love that convey romance and excitement. When this happens, spouses often start relating to each other as they would to a sibling or a friend.

What many partners don't understand is that this state of affairs can be the first step in the decline of the relationship that may ultimately result in marital problems, sessions with a marriage counselor, and eventual marriage separation and divorce.
Parents can begin to feel they are only “business partners” joined together to raise their children and keep the household running. And yet, marriage crisis can be avoided if you know what to do up front.
How can you keep romance alive when your daily work schedule is difficult, you’re always short on energy and time, and you’re not sure what to do? Here are ten tips to help you add romance into your marriage:

Pay attention when your partner mentions things he or she likes or expresses interest in something that could make a good gift, such as a new CD, a book, or theater/concert/sports tickets. Be on the lookout for ideas for holiday, birthday, and anniversary gifts, plus “no reason” surprise gifts. It’s very flattering to know that someone really tried to find a gift that was exactly what you wanted.
Frequently offer shoulder massages, foot massages, and full-body massages to your spouse. You’ll get plenty of romantic brownie points in your “relationship bank account” if you keep some great-smelling lotion handy and take ten minutes to massage your spouse’s tired feet at the end of a long work day. Note: If you expect to be rewarded for your efforts by sex, you won’t gather any points for being romantic. Your spouse will just think you have an ulterior motive when you offer a massage in the future.
Giving sweet letters and cards to your spouse can be romantic, as can emails and phone messages that share your feelings and passion. Handwritten letters sent through the mail are becoming more and more of a rarity. That’s great for you because that means your spouse will think you’re really romantic for taking the time to write a love letter by hand and mail it. That will make more of an impression than just sending an email if you want to get extra brownie points.
Another way to be romantic is to look for chances to pamper and spoil your spouse. That might be letting a spouse sleep in late while you watch the kids, or it could be telling your partner to sit down and relax while you clean up after dinner. The key is in the delivery of the offer. You might say, “Nothing’s too good for my honey” or “You’re such a love. It’s fun to pamper you.” You can accompany your words with a hug or kiss.
Talking in front of your spouse to someone else about your mate’s good points is romantic. Take full advantage of opportunities to say, ‘I’m so lucky to have such a supportive wife (or husband)—she’s such a treasure. I’m a lucky man.” You can also do this when you’re talking on the phone and know that your partner is within listening range. If you’re not sure your spouse heard you, when you get off the phone ask, “Did you hear me telling my sister what a great husband you are? I was really bragging on you!”
In the romance department, plants, flowers, candy, or a special home-cooked meal never go out of favor. Many females love to receive beautiful fresh flowers or a box of delicious chocolate candy. Both husbands and wives can appreciate the efforts of a spouse to put together an intimate, special home-cooked meal by candlelight with music playing and flowers on the table.
Surprise your spouse with a framed picture of the two of you in a setting that will bring back pleasant memories. Another option is to frame a picture of your mate that shows him or her in a flattering way and let your partner know how much you love the photo. Keep it on your nightstand, computer, dresser, or desk and let your partner see you looking at it admiringly.
Take the initiative to plan a surprise weekend outing. Call and make all the arrangements ahead of time. The outing doesn’t have to be complex or expensive. It might be as simple as planning a picnic at a nearby scenic spot. You might prepare the surprise picnic lunch when your mate is in the shower. Or you might make arrangements for a restaurant to pack a gourmet lunch for the two of you that you could pick up on your way out of town.
Music that you and your partner both like can set a romantic tone. If you see a movie that you both enjoyed a lot, you might consider buying the sound track as a surprise gift the following week. You could also select a song that you both like and decide to make it “your song.” Or you could pick a tune and tell your spouse that it reminds you of him or her for some positive reason.
Celebrate every occasion you can think of—the anniversary of the day you met, when you became engaged, your wedding anniversary, your birthdays, seeing the full moon, and anything else you can come up with. You can toast with champagne (or non-alcoholic champagne) and perhaps have a celebration dinner. But it can be just as fun to make a big deal out of going out for an ice cream cone to celebrate.

Every marriage needs on-going romance to add delight, spice, and great memories to treasure and save. Marriage can be fun—just understand what you need to do and then take action.
To not take action when you know the consequences of inaction only invites marriage problems. And nobody wants extra stress in their life, isn't that right?

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Marriage Crisis… What to Throw Overboard When Your Marriage Is In Trouble

2010-08-11T14:32:00.000-07:00

When you're facing a marriage crisis and you’re fighting to keep from sliding into a marital separation, it’s time to throw anything that isn’t helping you overboard. You need all your wits about you to be able to tackle the marriage problems and stop divorce. Anything that’s an impediment or hindrance has to go.

During this time of confusion and stress, you only have a limited amount of energy and time, and you have to put those resources where they count the most. You don’t have time or energy to waste if you’re going to be successful in saving your marriage.

What do you need to consider throwing overboard? The following eight recommendations can help you to decide what to let go:

Release your need to be “right.” If you’re intent on winning arguments or proving that your partner is wrong, you are hurting your chances of creating a win-win situation in your marriage for you and your spouse. Does it really matter in the long run who’s “right” or “wrong”? Or is it more important to create a harmonious marriage where the opinions of both partners are respected?
Let go of worrying about what others think or say. No marriage is perfect, and if others find out or suspect that you’re having marital problems, don’t let that concern you. If they stay married long enough, they’ll eventually encounter problems also, if they haven’t already. There’s a wonderful saying that I find helpful, “What you think of me is none of my business.”
Give up preconceived notions of how you should react in certain situations. Maybe you’ve always said that if your partner had an affair, you’d end the marriage. But each situation is different, and there’s not an across-the-board answer that fits every case. You’ll want to look carefully at your particular situation and the extenuating circumstances and then make a careful decision that’s right for you.
Throw out your demands to be in control. Life has a way of effectively teaching that you can protest all you want, but many things are out of your control and always will be. You can’t control what your spouse chooses to do or if others criticize what you do to save your marriage. You can only control your own decisions and actions.
Toss out the temptation to tell others all of the juicy details of what’s happening or how your spouse has “done you wrong.” Be discrete in who you talk to and in what you say. Later, if you stay married, it may be difficult for family and friends to feel comfortable around the two of you if you’ve painted your partner as a “louse.” You can let others know that you’re going through a hard time and need their support without divulging every detail.
Release your need to handle everything on your own without outside help. It just makes good sense to use resources that are available, such as marriage counseling. The objectivity and experience of a professional marriage guidance expert can help you to explore your options and make a wise decision that’s right for you and your marriage. And everything will be kept private and confidential.
Let go of trying to make everything okay for everyone else. It’s not possible to please everyone, so that’s a losing battle. You can’t pretend you’re not facing a marriage separation just so your parents don’t get upset, and you can’t pretend everything is okay just so you don’t hurt your spouse. Sometimes the chips just have to fall where they fall and that’s it. Everyone else has to cope with it and adjust.
Give up the need to have others agree with your decision. It’s certainly easier when others agree, but it’s not necessary. Just because your best friend urges you to divorce due to your spouse’s affair, that doesn’t mean that’s necessarily the best decision for you. It’s your life, and you have to live with the consequences of your decisions and actions, so be sure that whatever you choose to do is what you really want.

Facing a marriage crisis can actually be an opportunity to learn and grow from the experience. Making lemonade from lemons starts with your willingness to change.

What to Do When a Flirting Spouse Leads to Marriage Problems

2010-08-09T20:30:00.000-07:00

When Alice first met Tim, she found him charming, outgoing, and easy to talk to. She thought he was very funny and witty, always the life of the party with everybody gathered around him. Sure, he flirted a lot, but while he was talking, he would turn to wink at her, take her hand, or put his arm around her as he continued talking.

But sometime in the following two years after their marriage, Alice started feeling differently about Tim’s extraverted side. It appeared to her that he was flirting too much and too obviously while she sat on the sidelines, feeling left out. Usually, Tim didn't even introduce Alice as his wife. If Alice said anything to Tim about her feelings, he told her that she was over reacting. As she became more and more hurt, resentful, and withdrawn, the emotional temperature in the marriage cooled considerably, and the marriage became less satisfying for both of them. Neither one knew what to do to improve the situation.

Flirting on the part of a spouse causes marriage problems for many couples. And it can at times be hard to distinguish between a spouse with an extraverted personality who just naturally likes to kid and joke around versus the partner who is continually “on the make.”

Flirting behavior has differing causes. If you have known your partner for a long time and have never had any reason to believe he or she has cheated on you, then you’re probably married to an extravert who has a flirty personality. This can still be annoying and frustrating, but at least you know what you’re dealing with.

Spouses can also flirt to meet their own emotional needs such as feeling liked, being popular, or being thought of as funny, attractive, entertaining, or sexy. Excessive flirting can be a sign of someone who is trying overly hard to attract and keep attention focused on himself or herself because they are needy emotionally.

Flirting can also be a passive-aggressive way of getting even with a spouse. The partner may have felt rejected sexually and emotionally, so the flirting can be a message to the partner to shape up or risk divorce. It can also be an attempt to get the spouse’s attention, hoping to make her or him jealous and bring about an increase in the marital passion. Either way, it could mean that a troubled marriage is on the horizon.

And, of course, excessive consistent flirting can be a sign of someone with a sexual addiction who is constantly on the prowl looking for his or her next sexual contact and conquest. A spouse in this category needs professional help from an addictions counselor, but the help won’t be effective unless the person is willing to be helped.

Here's What You Can Do About Your Spouse's Flirtatious Ways

One of the steps you can take is to write a letter summarizing your feelings. In the case of Alice and Tim mentioned in the opening paragraphs, Alice could tell Tim how much the fact that he doesn’t introduce her to others as his wife hurts her feelings. She could ask for him to include her in the conversations, to hold her hand, to put his arm around her, or to turn and smile at her occasionally. That way she is telling him some things he could do to lessen her anxiety and distress.

Another thing Alice could do is to become more assertive about speaking up, becoming a part of the conversation when Tim is flirting, and letting people know that she’s Tim’s wife. If Tim says, “This is Alice” when introducing her, Alice could say, “Nice to meet you. I’m Tim’s wife.” Note that I’m not advocating that Alice follow Tim around or try to “catch” him in flirting behavior—that’s a recipe for marriage crisis. But I am suggesting that when she is already present, she can casually drop into conversation that she and Tim are married, such as “It’s fun to have such a witty husband! Tim has always been able to make me laugh.”
Don’t get into an argument about whether you are over-reacting to your spouse’s flirting. Say up front that you realize the two of you just have differing perceptions and you’re not accusing him of doing anything wrong. You just know that if you don’t share your feelings and feel heard you may have resentments and hurt feelings that build up and eventually lead to marital problems. You want to feel that your spouse has really listened to your concerns, that your spouse cares about your feelings, and that your spouse is willing to try some new behaviors that will give you the reassurance you need.

You could also suggest that the two of you see a marriage counselor if the letter writing and talking don’t accomplish what you desire. If your spouse is still convinced that the only thing that needs to change is for you to be more accepting of the flirting behavior, then marriage counseling might help. When suggesting marriage guidance counseling, you might need to focus on wanting to get advice from the marital counselor to help you make the changes you need to. If you focus on wanting to get your spouse to a counselor so he or she will change, your attempts will likely fall flat.

The bottom line is that partners who love each other and are in a healthy marriage will want to listen to their spouse, take their feelings into consideration, and take steps to improve communication and intimacy.

Showing consistent disrespect and disregard for a mate’s feelings and perceptions indicates there are serious marriage problems lurking beneath the excessive flirting behavior—and it’s time to seek professional help.

Otherwise, a downward spiral leading to marriage separation and divorce are real possibilities.
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Avoid Marriage Separation Because of a Controlling Spouse

2010-08-07T16:25:00.000-07:00

Have you ever been miffed because your partner does things differently than you do?
Do you get upset if she or he has different opinions and consequently makes different choices than you would? If so, you have encountered some of your own personal control issues and hot buttons in your marriage. Control dynamics cause marital problems in thousands of relationships and is a leading contributor to marriage separation.

If you want to minimize the risk of an unhappy marriage, here are three important points to consider:

1. Fear is at the root of control issues.
Control issues provoke many a marriage crisis. The emotions you experience at those times can be very strong and may include intense anger at the other person. Most people feel more secure when others around them share their beliefs, opinions, and choices. Your fears and safety needs contribute to your wanting others to be just like you. The old adage, "There’s safety in numbers," refers to this instinctive fear of standing alone.
Also, many people feel in control more when others meet their expectations and when they can predict the behavior of others. Then they don't have to experience the discomfort of changing, growing, or stretching themselves. Instead, they can pretend that their world is logical, predictable, orderly, and safe.

2. Thinking your spouse should be just like you hurts your marriage.
Your control issues can also be triggered by viewing your spouse as an extension of yourself. This perception may result in trying to dictate which clothes your partner wears, who she is friends with, how she wears her hair, what political views she holds, and what she can or cannot do. While your mate may initially make some changes trying to keep the peace, you are in fact creating a parent-child dynamic in your relationship that will eventually foster resentment and rebellion. This is a direct path to marriage problems.

3. Using name calling and insults are attempts to regain control.
While nothing sinister is usually involved in control issues in relationships, pathological behavior can be triggered in some cases. For example, a spouse who is angry that the spouse did not follow his directions could become emotionally and physically abusive. The partner might think he has the right to "punish" the other person. Marriage counselors report that derogatory put-downs and name calling, such as "What a stupid thing to do," are frequently used to re-establish control over the other person.
It's easy to point a finger at your mate and to say that he or she needs to change. It's much harder to face your own unresolved issues face-to-face and take responsibility for how you need to change. But avoiding change instead of nurturing your relationship can be a sure path to relationship crisis, marriage counseling and marital separation.

As you become more aware of control issues in your relationship, the starting place for change is always with yourself and your response to what is happening in your marriage.

* * * * *

Topics: Getting Your Love Once Back!

2010-08-06T15:13:00.000-07:00

Love + Sex

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5 Things You Might Be Doing to Sabotage Your Relationship user

Could you be driving a perfectly good relationship onto a crash course? If you’re participating any of the following five romance-foiling pitfalls, the 

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1.    You’re frequently disappointed by your partner’s gifts or gestures.

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gift-giving or spontaneous romantic gestures like real or perceived criticism from the recipient.

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2.    You focus on his faults.

Even Mr. Right is not going to be perfect. In fact, far from it. A solid relationship is not about verbally beating his flaws out of him any more than it is 

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courtesy—and that’s an indication of true compatibility. Besides, if it’s the real deal, even his faults may grow into endearing idiosyncrasies.

3.    You’re too available or have drastically changed your routine for him.

It might be tempting to spend all your free time with your significant other, especially during the “honeymoon stage.” But losing yourself in your loved one 

invariably results in backlash, which might include bickering or a loss of interest on his part. Schedule a girl’s night out with your gal pals, don your 

hottest LBD and sky-scraping heels and leave your man on his own for the night. Absence really does make the heart grow fonder. Plus, maintaining your own 

identity and routine lets him know you that while you want him in your life, you don’t need him—independence and confidence never stops being attractive.

4.    You’ve stopped getting glam for your dates…ever.

As a relationship becomes more serious, what you lose in excitement you make up for in intimacy. There’s something to be said for a cozy movie night at home 

in which you wear his favorite T-shirt. However, taking the time to don your hottest date night dress or throwing on new lingerie, may breathe new life in 

your relationship and remind you both of your exciting beginning.

5.    You discuss your relationship too much.

Once you’ve moved past the casual dating stage to full-on coupledom, it might be tempting to talk about your relationship more.  Beware of discussing the ins 

and outs of your courtship, asking repeatedly if he is “OK” or obsessing on your relationship’s rough edges. Not to say you shouldn’t have an open 

communication, but make sure you’re living in the moment and keeping things fun and light on a regular basis. After all, you get what you focus on.

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