Untimely Dreams

Pay More Attention To The Things That Bring You Serenity

noreply@blogger.com (Tanvi) — Sun, 15 Jan 2023 01:53:00 +0000

Today I woke up, usual Saturday and realized that I felt a sense of calm within me. It was simply from overcoming fear, uncertainty and an emotionally heavy last few months. I believed more, my hope was restored by just existing, continuing my journey, however painful.

Going back to a time last year in 2022 when I was going through a difficult learning curve, I remember feeling empty, distressed and unable to express anything at all. From practice, I knew I needed to keep going on, it had worked for me before when I had a huge heartbreak. My best friend and I broke up just before our Med school graduation.

There were times, I was gasping for air and I was driving. Felt numb and nauseous and had to draw strength from every single cell in my body to keep going.

I know we don’t talk about all this because it’s not cool, it is unattractive and not perceived positively. But I am here to say it just like it is. Because we live our lives in a fine balance of light and dark, without disregarding an experience or discarding one that is thought to be uncomfortable.

The best thing I did was to keep going despite the struggles. That has been my experience so far since I was 5. I learnt to be self reliant at a very early age. It became a mix of my personality where I juggle with extreme independence and letting myself go with certain individuals. Sharing with anyone, absolutely anyone is the hardest thing to do for me. I rarely open up unless it is someone very close to me and they have to work hard at it too. I am working on opening myself more, giving people a chance, it is a work in progress.

In 2022, I learnt to love myself in the most stressful moments, messy and uncomfortable situations. This journey is an ongoing one, I am learning to stay present and enjoy the moments as they come.

The goal to be truly happy is a big one for me. I am keeping up with the discipline of reminding myself that I love myself unconditionally, every single day.

Looking myself in the mirror and telling myself, 'I love you', 'You got this', 'You are going to be okay' is incredibly fulfilling. One, it releases the need for external validation, because I give myself the love and acceptance I need. Second, it makes you your biggest cheerleader. You have to be your biggest cheerleader! I learnt this by observing that other people don't even believe in themselves, how could they believe in you?!

Others cannot be your cheerleaders because oftentimes they aren't their own either. The expectations we have from people are wild, we don't even give that to ourselves.

Of all the lessons I bring into 2023, the biggest one is that I am here. With each deep breath, I tap into the strength and energy that lies within me, it has always existed in me. Sometimes, the noise of this world subdues our own. The incessant chatter of our brain needs to be decluttered. It is easy to recognize and so much more challenging to cultivate in our lives, whatever that looks like for each one us; meditation, yoga, journaling, long walk, exercise, talking to a friend, alone time etc.

Whatever that might be for you, for me.

Life feels a little lighter today.

Tomorrow might be heavy, day after catastrophic but today this moment as I sit in the kitchen sipping coffee makes me feel pleasant.

Connection is a skill

noreply@blogger.com (Tanvi) — Thu, 25 Mar 2021 22:13:00 +0000

March 25, 2021

If you are able to make peace with your thoughts and train them to follow a growth pattern, you can achieve a stable, safe space for yourself emotionally. This journey in self exploration is important for your growth and others around you. This will help all your relationships in life that you are building and will impact the new ones you are seeking.

Things I need to remember--

Sometimes, staying strong for too long could be dangerous. Feeling vulnerable might not be the problem at all. Maybe the problem is that you’ve felt pressured to stay strong for too long. You’ve been holding in your emotions. You’ve been wearing a brave face. You’ve been acting like everything is perfectly fine and you’ve been going about your days as if everything were normal when an infinite number of things could be going wrong. You can’t play pretend forever. Eventually, you are going to unravel, and you will be forced to face your fears, understand yourself and comfort yourself.

Sometimes, the strongest thing you can do is admit that you’re struggling. You don’t have to do everything on your own. You don’t have to push other people away in the name of independence. (Hello, avoidant style behaviour?!)

There is nothing wrong with showing your vulnerability, expressing your emotions, and asking for help. You are independent, amazing, kind and will still need to communicate your needs.

You have built many walls and boundaries, and they are healthy, although they are supposed to lock people who matter inside them. When you are protective, you are acting out of a fear of abandonment and hurt. You are keeping people out who should be inside with you right now and sit with your million little emotions comfortably in silence and acceptance. You are capable of protecting yourself with vulnerability, openness and safety if you show a little courage.

The best thing you can do when you’re feeling low is admit that you don’t have all the answers and could use a little help.

There is real strength in being honest with yourself and taking the steps necessary to better yourself. You have to ask for the help you need and consistently show up for yourself. To be able to show up for the ones you love and be fully present with them.

- - -

These might be incoherent but aren’t all my thoughts?! Pick and read as if each one belongs to its own subset because they do. I get these flashes of things that have happened in the past and their meanings. Our brain is so dynamic, and it is constantly at work.

Even when you sleep, brain is introspecting by making notes, creating memories, recording learnings and making these memory palaces we sometimes never discover. It blows my mind sometimes to possess such an extraordinary organ and also makes me wonder whether I will ever use it to its full functionality. Ah! the thought processes……

If you read this, thank you.

DISCLAIMER: These words are the personal experiences of the author and do not reflect that of any organization or regulating bodies.

©Pictures are copyright protected and cannot be used without permission of the author.

Why do you continue to make it impossible for others to know you in the way you so desperately wish they would?

noreply@blogger.com (Tanvi) — Wed, 26 Jun 2019 00:26:00 +0000

You can’t make someone your own without giving them importance, without making them feel special. And I don’t mean flowers and chocolates and long rides and make out sessions with romantic dinners. What I mean by special is that you make them a part of real important things like making decisions about your life and career.

You don’t have to start there though, you begin by including them in your decisions about small things like clothes, perfumes, food that you eat alone when you’re in different cities and by loving how peculiar they are in the things that they like or dislike. You make them a part of your existence, you don’t just send them numerous kisses and compliments.

You make them an important part of who you are and who you want to be and you make them a partner in building your dream, your future.

You ask them what they think about owning that red car and working whole summer towards getting that one car you both love. It’s about the small things like fixing each other’s wardrobes or simply buying coffee because you’re both tired. Making someone your own is about these small but big things that you do as a team and are always there to cheer for each other no matter what.

So quit playing petty games which facilitate jealousy and imbibe insecurities because that is not going to make that girl/guy yours. You’ve to really actually care about their little but big things that make them who they are. So that you two can become who you are as a team.

You have to make it possible for both of you to grow and for both of you to share and be kinder. If the other person demands better decisions and behaviour from you, stick with them. They’re not trying to change you, they’re just doing their bit in helping you become who you always wanted to be, without the drama and without the conflicts you’re creating every now and then so that you can keep running in circles, being the less attractive version of yourself that you’re right now.

Find me on Instagram @steth_girl

Disclaimer: Lots of selfies!

- -

This post is copyright protected and any remake or printing, sale or reposting without permission is strictly prohibited.

Orange sky @2:59am

noreply@blogger.com (Tanvi) — Fri, 27 Jul 2018 22:07:00 +0000

Do we keep going back to our first love?

Picture Credits: Aditi Nimkar

Maybe they knew us well
And we miss them, or we miss the way they stood by us
Maybe we miss ourselves being silly and cheesy
Or maybe we miss that care, that innocent tender love t
Maybe we miss being in love that way
Maybe we know we’ll never be able to find that again.
Is it because we never gave anyone else that chance to caress our fingers and walk along?
Or because we never cared enough for someone to stay?
Probably we lost hope in that eternal fairytale like love,
Maybe we didn’t know it could’ve never existed in real.
....
And now we keep that as role model,
Because we don’t know what’s real?
Or we still crave to be two kids in love?
Guess we don’t know that love is not just a feeling,
Maybe no one told us that it was more than just butterflies in our stomach,
Or we never saw that it was an active decision one made,
To love ; to cherish; to be forever with someone
In sickness and in health.
....
Maybe we were taught wrong about love.
We didn’t know it was meant to make us happy and feel cherished by someone,
Or be supported in the worst phases of our lives, to overcome it with strength and hope.
Probably we misunderstood love as different forms of sexual attractions,
When it was just a choice you made every morning, to stay with that person.
...

"It’s probably the person who made you feel like your life has a reason and you’re not just a part of their friends circle but a part of them." ~T

They didn’t just share their bodies with you,
They shared their dreams and ambitions.
They were not afraid to share,
Their darkest ugliest corners in the hope to be just liked.
Because maybe they were there for the long run,
And they wanted to love you and be loved in return.

Did we miss them out in this lifetime?

Is that why we always keep going back to our first love?

T
- [ @steth_girl on instagram ]

Caffeinated flowers

noreply@blogger.com (Tanvi) — Tue, 10 Jul 2018 04:14:00 +0000

Picture credits: Soham Kanade

Would you like to accompany me on foot to the nearby cafe for a cup of filter coffee? And we'll sit there for hours talking about the grammatical mistakes you & I make and how the world uses strange words to describe their feelings. We'll talk about random things under the sky and watch drizzles forming halos around flowers in twilight. You tell me how I make you feel and I'll tell you my wildest fantasies nobody ever dreamt about knowing.
How we'll sit there for another cup of flat white until the dusk has orange sky in wrinkled bliss and talk about our disappointments in life. Sharing the shattered pieces of our soul people judged when we were becoming who we are today, how our past lovers walked over us, walked away from us, how the failures in life had made us tougher and the quotidian had made us bitter.

Yet, we were here amongst the subtle madness of the world, bathed in crimson our eyes danced in the flames claiming the ruby of my lips and the yellow of your shirt.

And we’ll sit some more, play word games until we are tired, walk away with mellow hearts.

Settle down in the backyard with a vegetable grill and rose/kvass under the pines of north, drink till nightfall and curl up into each other as well fall asleep under the starlit sky. That sky would be shining in celebration, as we would breathe on each other’s skins and close our eyes in the coziness of home, and love.

We would not wake up with a startle, we would be awakened by the dew drops brushing against our cheeks, and our house smelling of morning tea under the faint shadows of the morning light.

Would you like to accompany me?

T

Secret to Joy

noreply@blogger.com (Tanvi) — Wed, 04 Jan 2017 07:25:00 +0000

Observing, listening, being

More often than not I've observed how easily we ignore others. It doesn't necessarily come out of a particular reason, it just so happens. Sometimes we live with someone or know someone so deeply that we fail to notice their mere presence. Yet, it is the presence that matters.
Not because one misses them when they aren't around, but only because their presence contributes certain value to your life; be it in joy or in melancholy. We've been born after several years of evolutionary process, a thousand suns and moons have come and gone, a millennia ago when I and you were just imaginary beings in the head of our ancestors they'd thought of us very differently. Little did they know that their progeny would be such an ignorant bunch of amateurs.

(Images are copyrighted @ tanvi_nn)

Active involvement in one’s surroundings doesn't make the person less busy or less important. Taking simple steps to acknowledge people around you doesn't really take more than a few minutes.

" Complimenting someone genuinely for what they're even though your idea of ‘good’ might be different from theirs doesn't make you mean.
Learning to love without judgement and expectations doesn't make you a loser.
Crushing on someone who doesn't know about your existence doesn't make you pathetic.
Smiling at a stranger in the subway doesn't make you creepy.
Observing someone before you approach them shouldn't be taken as apprehension."

These are all human characteristics. Fighting against them or bullying someone over them just because you don't like yourself enough when you act that way makes you weaker. The one who tries to defy nature’s way is the one who is most afraid. Take a moment to feel the mood of the world, take your eyes off your mobile screens for once, listen to the music of conversations and chime in the chaos of life.
We've abundant resources to make our lives melodious and captivating but also don't forget to acknowledge those who've always been there; listening to you, singing along with you. ‘Cause somewhere down the line these people will fade away and so will the memories. Time buries even the glorious.
Take not anyone or your life for granted. You haven't got enough time nor means to sift through these years gone by. Support our fellow humans in being the best version of themselves in simulation to your own self.
Beauty lies in sharing, loving, being kind. There's nothing else that would make you beautiful.
Don't ever believe anyone who says otherwise.
This alone gives you joy. And this to be honest is no secret.
T

Today I felt like writing

noreply@blogger.com (Tanvi) — Sun, 06 Nov 2016 02:34:00 +0000

https://instagram.com/p/BMc7sUABhx2/ @tanvi_nn

Slow down, the world is going to roll with enormous speed. One doesn't need to be always in the race. Sometimes all you need to do is to sit back, watch and reassess your life. Things might have gone differently had you made a few choices and you wouldn't be here at all. It could've been better or worse. But today all you need to do is relax. See where you've come and what/who you've left behind. The most important thing to feel is gratitude, for everything that has happened so far.

Because the numerous decisions you've made till date have gotten you here. Look around, look at yourself in the mirror. You've changed, the world has shifted just a bit. You've ripened into sweet-sour grapes. So note down in your journal of gratitude, how far you've come from the point you had once started. How much you've grown, and how far you wish to travel. Don't just follow the herd, listen to your voice inside. It has something important to say, because like the ever changing world your dreams and wishes change too. Perhaps you no more want a doll house, you might want a mansion now big enough to live in it. You might not want to fight anymore, then just love. Perhaps you still want to work towards the same goals, then continue with refined tastes. The legendary are the lot who've practiced this very often, because in this whole wide world it's fairly easy to get lost. To get demotivated and feel disappointment. The key is to be persistent in your efforts, and display great sincerity in your work. There is no short-cut.

To most of those young adults like me who've numerous dreams, and want to do it all but have to battle everyday to only get through one day at a time, I urge, to reflect back. Time is never going to stop for you but that doesn't mean you'll become a slave to it. Redetermine your goals folks, failure is inevitable, that doesn't mean you're incapacitated. If you're treading on dangerous paths then remind yourself why you chose that in the first place.

I've chosen a life which is going to be full of hardships. There are so many who've advised me in numerous ways to take the easy route, my own people have told me that I've got options( I can quit and choose something easier). I've listened to all of them. Felt all sorts of emotions, cursed myself for putting 'self in this situation and always gone back to the beginning. I've always wanted to do this, become a doctor and help people, contribute to researches, and spend my life with it. That moment in August when my life was going to be over in a matter of seconds, right in front of my conscious eyes, I realised how precious was the title doctor to me.

The only thing that came to my mind during that accident was, “upon dying/permanently disabling myself I would lose my years of education & training I had put so much effort into. It would all be such a waste if I die today.”

That day I knew I had to complete what I had started. The wheel had started turning, the carousel was spinning and I just had to gratuitously start working towards my objective. “It's not easy, there's no hope, you're wasting your time, you're unwelcome, you're inadequate,” I've heard this so often by now, I feel numb. Even if I'm a speckled dust into the vast forest, I would take pride in existing.

Someday, soon I will make a difference.

And to discern the veil of pessimism that falls on me, I will always light a candle with my knowledge.
T

"My favourite kind of days"

noreply@blogger.com (Tanvi) — Fri, 20 May 2016 17:27:00 +0000

Light drizzle showering us with its love,

The kind of cold which feels heavenly,

The warmth of your bed,

A hot cup of coffee,a good book,

And peaceful thoughts engrossing the mind.

Maybe an evening with tea,

Loud chatter between the family members,

Pitter patter of the raindrops,

The tinkling of tea cups,

Serenity amidst chaos.

Stranded at the bus stop,

Rain pouring with tremendous rancour,

Thunderstorms and wild winds,

Honking of the buses,

Chatter between groups of students,

At end of a school day or college day,

And Office goers fidgety in their formals,

Holding frail umbrellas with might.

Home alone, standing in the balcony,

Gazing at the falling drops and foggy mountains,

Song playing on repeat,

And a cup of tea lying besides.

Sitting in the backseat,

Earphones tucked,

Banana pancakes playing,

The wild waves of the sea visible from the window,

Trees swaying to the tunes of winds,

No conversation, only silence.

My favourite kind of days.

I beg to differ

noreply@blogger.com (Tanvi) — Sun, 28 Feb 2016 20:55:00 +0000

I've very often wondered what is it that drives us so? Then I thought of my career goals, then I thought of my family and then I thought of what my friends would think, and I thought of what my relatives would comment and whatever the society would deduce. But not in one single moment of that time have I thought of myself.

Of what I would want, of what I would love, and feel and keep me happy. And then those penchant idioms come to my mind, that life isn't so easy, that it isn't supposed to be lived in selfishness and self enjoyment.

But I would like to differ. I do not want to be bogged down by a love which defines me, which pulls me down and cuts short my wings. Because if it is love, it would see me fly and strive for my goals and firstly keep myself happy. And show me what it is to love myself and do I what I feel like.

I would so much like to differ because I've often pondered what it would be like to live on trees and eat out of nature's glory. Because I think that is what life is, and what it should be rather than thinking what it's supposed to be according to the old satires we've so diligently followed.

Life is what we make of it, and in all that creating an environment of happiness is the kindest thing we could ever gift ourselves. I want that, in all the things I've sidelined up till now, this is where I will start.

"I beg to differ."

SSMU: The real story behind the fire incident.

noreply@blogger.com (Tanvi) — Sun, 21 Feb 2016 10:02:00 +0000

That day, I was in a deep sleep, dreaming about something I can't really decipher now.

It was Sunday, the fourteenth of February 2016. I was caught up with my dream when I heard the alarm go off, it was once. Then I heard it again and there was an announcement first in Russian then in English.

I didn't want to wake up from my deep slumber. So I kept dreaming with the occasional noises outside my door, it sounded like the usual hustle and bustle but awfully early for a Sunday morning. I kept dreaming.

Until I could smell a pungent smoke, I was stark awake at the thought that something is burning, I got up and checked my room for a possible combustion. Then I went out and my block was chaotic though I chose to ignore them because they always over react. I asked them about the fire they only told me to go downstairs. The announcement was repeating. I got my coat and slipped into my slippers and with my keys and mobile I headed out the door.

The moment I entered the corridor of my sixth floor dormitory I could see nothing but smoke, it was blinding to the point of walking only with my estimation. When I reached the middle stairwell (our actual fire exit) I was almost exhausted. It was a chaotic situation, everyone was panicking and the fellow students were not moving down the staircase. I was choking in the smoke and so was everyone else with me, my eyes were watering continuously and I couldn't breathe at all. I started shouting and kept pushing for them to move ahead but in a minute my voice went inaudible even to me, I tried holding onto my breath due to the smoke but I'd to let go, I just couldn't breathe. For a moment or two I almost gave up, and thought I would faint. That was when I just started making my way, fighting downstairs from the chaos, as and when we descended the smoke grew thicker and thicker, air was nowhere, but they were moving slowly ‘cause we were a lot at once and I heard girls cry out loud that they couldn't see or breathe but I was in no position to help them myself so I somehow managed to get to the third floor where there finally was the much needed oxygen. I saw through teary eyes that our authorities (including Dr.Alok Aeron) were already there helping the students and directing the firemen. I was coughing badly, and my eyes wouldn't stop watering and I still kept going until I was outside my dormitory.

It was until five minutes that I kept coughing continually, and wiped my tears with my bare hands. People were still descending down the stairs and I could see few were stuck upstairs especially on my floor. I saw the firemen move everyone outside, not allowing anyone to stand inside near the reception. In the next 10 mins the entire dormitory was evacuated.

Except for those two unfortunate girls. Shockwaves passed through when I heard what had happened, a surge of emotions emerged within. I was baffled, scared, shocked, angry all at the same time. We were all standing in the cold for the longest time (mostly out of choice) and were then directed towards the third dormitory. It was the most saddening day for our faculty, and we were all in deep mourning. We'd lost our own people. For the closest friends circle it was like a thunderstorm. They'd lost their friends who they'd see everyday, morning and night, in classes and in dormitory. They were crying, worried and in denial. It was unbearably heartbreaking.

And the entire dormitory was relocated to various different other dormitories. With the few things that we'd of our own, our classes commenced. Entire week we have all been struggling through,like a living nightmare. Our university, Dean, Vice chancellor, and Dr.Alok Aeron have put in their best efforts so that we would be able to get back to normalcy. Our teachers and professors met us that very day, a panel of psychologists was arranged to help students deal with the trauma. Every dormitory the girls are relocated in has one of our teachers every two days to help students in their trying time.

Then as the week progressed, we heard the insensitive comments and remarks about our university and its administration, we kept quiet. We were all in mourning and didn't care about all that was said. And then it continued with the recent article in which the acclaimed writer Shobhaa De somehow managed to add 100years to our university, stating we'd no fire exits or any emergency measures in place and forming baseless opinions about our administration.

To all those high end journalists and media persons, I only urge you to get your facts correct before you post such outrageous allegations against the entire university. Or in the least if you please, pay us a visit and proof check your misinformation.

The parents of those two girls are shattered, their loss is immeasurable, their state immensely sensitive and anger very much understandable. It was a catastrophe even we cannot yet put behind us. It's unimaginable and unbelievable that such a thing has actually happened.

I also request you to not make a sensational news for your own business, but take into consideration the honest emotions attached to this tragedy. We are just students and we have lost our own fellow students. Those parents have lost their daughters and all I've heard and read is about how bad the administration is, and how old the institution is, and how there were no measures in place. It is highly inappropriate of the Print and Television media to report false things, and take advantage of the situation. Because as far as I see, we've received no help from our own country. In the times of our need nobody came here to help us, when we needed warmth and food and a shelter and our administration was trying their best to arrange everything with the help of the governor. We did not receive even a shred of empathy except those pointing fingers of accusations and misinterpreted information.

Our university is 95years old, this year it'll be 96. It was founded in 1920, and only last year we received the honour of a university on completion of our 95years. I've not written this in our defence, but only to say that these shouty journalists have no factual information and are misusing the situation to make a sensational story out of a highly sensitive and tragic issue. There are negatives and positives everywhere, but the only positive for which pupils come here is that medical degree which was unattainable in India.

To all those shouting chaos, I only ask a simple question, “Why didn't anyone come here to help us in time of our need? And why on earth would we've had come this far to pursue our dreams if our own country had given it to us in a reservation free and corruption free environment without much capital?”

(Facts: The fire started in the room at 6.55am, the fire brigades arrived within 8minutes, dormitory was evacuated within 20minutes excluding the students stuck upstairs, who were later helped by the firemen.)

Original cctv footage http://youtu.be/CEVcsH9EwYE

I talk to thee

noreply@blogger.com (Tanvi) — Tue, 22 Dec 2015 10:53:00 +0000

If there were more ways than one person who can make me laugh so hard,

Then I would never seek your recluse.

For escape is nothing but a veil,

A sanctuary instead of just the real world.

I would never quite question you,

Hadn't it been for the next few months that go with me thinking about it in my minds eye.

And I would never love you as much as I do now,

If only I'd more than one person who could make me laugh as much.

#scribblings

noreply@blogger.com (Tanvi) — Fri, 13 Nov 2015 22:24:00 +0000

I've put my feelings

In a box

Concealed and safe

From all the light and emotions,

From everyday triggers.

(Images are copyrighted)

I've put them aside

In the hope

To one day find myself

colder & stronger.

Even if you were

To come back and say,

Things I've wanted to hear for so long.

Neverland

noreply@blogger.com (Tanvi) — Fri, 23 Oct 2015 22:12:00 +0000

I'm sitting by the lake,

Gazing around the sundown Sunday,

I see all my friends play,

golden Rays comforting the background,

Footprints covering the sandy ground.

The feeling that you are near,

a synchronized movement of leaves,

Engulfing the torn bottom of my life,

Ripples on the lake water,

So pristine and sharply carved,

Only remind me of the yesterdays gone by.

The thoughts that once made me smile,

Now tear every shred of my existence,

Hazel light shining on my hair,

Winds blowing through,

Maybe this is how freedom feels,

Except I'm a prisoner yet,

Still of my own freedom.

Words fail me,

Every once in a while,

Beauty fills me with this,

This eerie ache inside,

My heart so so far away ,

from the same beginning.

Every once in a while,

I've this feeling.

That I'll see you,

That maybe I could hold you,

That maybe it wouldn't be so hard,

to believe in my broken fairytale,

That maybe, just maybe,

I'll have that love,

You know about.

Unfathomable memories

noreply@blogger.com (Tanvi) — Fri, 31 Jul 2015 16:41:00 +0000

A ripple to fill me in,
The winds blowing,
Silver lining over the shadows,
A prey praying not to be found,
A conversation I can’t comprehend to,
Music filling my ears,
Heavy steady breathing,
Trying to shut out the world,
A surge of thoughts,
Emptiness inside me.

Of floating minds and tired smiles,
Of ice cream, coffee and tea,
Of glares and bangles,

Of trains and taxis,

Of churches and walking,
This is the story of dangling feet
And messed up hair.

-In my imperfect life.

What do you know about death?

noreply@blogger.com (Tanvi) — Fri, 24 Apr 2015 16:42:00 +0000

What do you know about death? What do you know about dreams?

"What do you know about dreams worth fighting for?"

Strange how sometimes we don't remember the obvious things, but the minutest details, the most insignificant remain in memory.

You know those dreams where you feel weightless, floating in the air, touching clouds and rainbows, seeing the most wonderful vistas and drinking in the beauty. Those dreams, those are a part of our fantasies. Funny how those dreams are lost upon us when we grow up,we're more tired for any active imagination, or any good thoughts before we fall asleep.

The urbanisation has cost us our deepest and closest companions.

Photo by Ratul https://www.facebook.com/ratulphotography

When you see someone losing a person they love, that feeling they have, no one can empathise. No one can possibly know what one meant to the other. How someone filled their lonely life with love and compassion, how it was for them to lose that one person who meant the world to them.

How do you not dream about it? How does one not dream about seeing something dreadful in their dreams?

Because more often than not I do.

When one dreams about their dream, it's worth fighting for in the waking. It's worth dying for if it means the world. So what if disabilities come in the way? Willingness to accomplish one's dreams is the first step towards the achievement.

I don't see why people think about the future, because what we do have is the 'now'

" I heard you,

And I saw the shadow,

I felt your presence,

And it felt good.

I love it when you hide,

It's like a game,

And I come find you.

Today I'm chasing after you,

I'm chasing the shadows,

The fact that you are gone,

And I'm still waiting,

Isn't sad.

It's like the night,

And it's like day,

I see darkness,

And I see light,

I see your shadow,

I see a flash.

I struggle with might,

And I break a sweat,

I see your face,

And the vivid memories,

I run into a wall,

And I open my eyes."

Acceptance falls over. It's just a matter of time, creates a few ripples and it's calm again. Some days start like this, eyes heavy with sleep and brain preoccupied. Dreams, sometimes explain how much one restrains self, and how much it might become necessary to chase after what one dreams about.

Death is not the end. Killing dreams is an end.

Chasing after that one scene you see in your dreams, or that unknown place you've never seen in the waking, that one familiarity you've never felt before.

That is worth fighting for too.

colloquy

noreply@blogger.com (Tanvi) — Sat, 04 Apr 2015 09:53:00 +0000

I've not yet decided what to say, I do not know what will happen then. I'm scared, for everyone's counting on me. Everyone's ready to mend their paths to meet mine, but I'm not sure. I'm not sure if I want that, if I would receive them warmly because I seem to be waiting for that one person.

"To take him in through my eyes, drink his scent and talk through my tears, I do not know what I've to say to him either, but I just wish to set my eyes upon him once more. Just once . I might not ask for it ever again if that's what the heaven wishes.

To love through a thousand sunrises, to caress without touching, to feel the passionate air between, live between the pauses of words and linger in that moment for a lifetime."

It's a crowded life. Without priority for me. Objective though is one, I'm just clueless about the rest. I do not seek the ordinary, I do not like the simple. I like bland and colour extraordinarily magniloquent.

"The apprehension, the jitters, the choked feeling within, I do not know if it'll melt. Despite of my collywobbles, there's a wish deep inside my heart. I would say the longing for affection intenerates my heart. Variorum of my persona is just a veil, like a soul cloaked with darkness."

I do not like persuasive individuals, someone who can be carried away. Determination is the virtue I look for, depth of a soul is of utmost importance and kindness in manner is a valuable aspect. But how do I voice my opinion, when all everyone wants is their star. How do I tell I do not like quotidian , I am looking for an adventure and I don't wish to be ordinary, I want to be legendary.

I can't voice till I know. Till I feel inordinately empty.

"A void, big enough to consummate my existence."

“And when My Joy Was Born"

noreply@blogger.com (Tanvi) — Thu, 12 Mar 2015 10:53:00 +0000

And when my Joy was born, I held it in my arms and stood on the house-top shouting, “Come ye, my neighbours, come and see, for Joy this day is born unto me. Come and behold this gladsome thing that laugheth in the sun.”

But none of my neighbours came to look upon my Joy, and great was my astonishment.

And every day for seven moons I proclaimed my Joy from the house-top—and yet no one heeded me. And my Joy and I were alone, unsought and unvisited.

Then my Joy grew pale and weary because no other heart but mine held its loveliness and no other lips kissed its lips.

Then my Joy died of isolation.”

“And now I only remember my dead Joy in remembering my dead Sorrow. But memory is an autumn leaf that murmurs a while in the wind and then is heard no more.”

————

The above is an excerpt from: Gibran, Khalil. “The Madman.”

No happiness is complete without sharing, no sorrow is great which stays alone and nothing can be held as dear which is selfishly our own.

It's about everything under this sky

noreply@blogger.com (Tanvi) — Sun, 15 Feb 2015 13:00:00 +0000

Like the old mountain would say, why have you come here to look at me?

And I would say then, just gazing at you is a beautiful feeling.

Like the sky would interrupt and chirp in like a bird, why would you stare at him,

to that I would reply, I'm not staring it's a tender gaze which fills my heart with love for the good old mountain.

And the trees would dance, and the winds would roar, the melody which engulfs asking me, are you in love little chap?

And I would stay quiet. Because for that I've no wit remaining, no time to spare. I only lie on this land to gaze upon mountain to mountain, and I've bigger things to think of than fall in love with someone unattainable like the good old mountain.

And the skies would scatter their colour as the sun burns with glory, sliding behind the horizons and hiding behind the mountains.

Is there any more to life than gazing at the good old mountain? For I'm just a droplet in this universe, a particle of soil, a limbless, brown piece of element.

And I love everything about myself, around myself and this world is a bigger place than I'd imagined. Though when I'd thought I would form a bond with many, I ended up building only a few. And to cherish those, I will.

Those who left, are gone forever. And I remain so, little more complicated but nonetheless happy.

And the sun fades away, leaving me in the dark, and I gaze upon the stars.

They ask, are you lost in this glory little lad?

I just say , I've never known familiarity to have felt lost.

Picture credits: Ratul Upadhyay

http://photography.vigaversa.com/

Only if you knew it was you.

noreply@blogger.com (Tanvi) — Tue, 03 Feb 2015 16:20:00 +0000

"There will come a time in your life when you will become infatuated with a single soul. For this person you'd do anything and not think twice about it, but when asked why ... you have no answer. You'll try your whole life to understand how a single person can affect you as much as they do, but you'll never find out. And no matter how badly you hate it or how badly it hurts ... you'll love this person without regret, for the rest of your life."

-anonymous

There's a story which everyone has, but not everyone has a simple story with less villains and less action.

The story starts with two people; a girl and a boy

They both live a very different existence, their paths have never crossed and it doesn't seem they might any soon.

Theres a difference though, the story is from the girl.

I don't think I ever believed in love, let alone any feeling of affection towards someone away from my own self. Since school I've this idea of solitary existence. I've had friends, many actually, few close friends. But no one was ever so close to know really my inner thoughts. No one really just could understand my line of thought. Boys and affairs ;extra curricular stuff. That was never on my mind.

Emotions were that part of my personality I’d not known or seen, I never cried when my sister was going through chemo, but yes I've cried once when I couldn't see her and was just allowed a peek of her through a glass of the hospital room.

The first time I ever really cried was in school when a guy pulled a dirty prank on me, and then my mothers diagnosis came along in 9th grade. All those years somehow have made me stronger and more and more resilient towards emotional pain.

Little did I know that love would come knocking at my door after years in a very strange way, the one I never really imagined. A guy staying far far away from my city and in a place I would never really land up other than some really imp work. I knew I was to leave the country soon, and not just that there were other issues.

He was like a light bubble of happiness, I thought he's literally always happy or says so but its kinda impossible. Yes the impossibilities intrigued me more than the guy himself. He used to write and I knew what kinda petty stuff. I never read his real masterpieces of poetry until I actually was interested in him.

That was when I went on the blog searching spree and studied him like a subject in the lab, closely, tenderly understanding his words ,dissolving in his flow of poetry and feeling those tears on my lips each time , there was a sad word. It touched my heart, I heard his version of poems in his voice, it was like a halo forming on my head with divine words of longing and love.

He was perfect in the art of chasing, his words of pursuing though were lame they had registered somehow in minute parts of my consciousness. The profound sadness I'd seen in his writing was never to be found in the conversation. And funny part of all of it was his weird ideas about me, the way I spent my dads money , or manipulated other guys and how much I'd hurt other people because I never wanted entanglements.

I didn't know then that this guy one day will become my Zahir. A quest ,a thirst , a zest for going on loving and living each day as it comes. When I realised I'd fallen for him, I was initially scared and didn't know what to do. It was like clouds forming on my head ready to burst with thick droplets of water. He was like a ray of hope in all the sadness gathered in my life, even if his own life wasn't perfect, we both could've found a way one day to diminish that lack of liveliness. Not just because he looked good or he was a pretty good writer.

He infact could understand me. Everything was much simpler with him, at least it seemed to be that way. He could understand me in a way no one could or ever might. I'd formed a bond with someone who was far away from me and I didn't know a single thing about him. In turn he had come to know everything about me, slowly slowly studying me.

I'd cried the day he told me he couldn't understand anything, even before we could get clear about all this he was withdrawing. I didn't cry because he hurt me, I've never cried because he hurt me, or never gave this a chance. I've only cried because I knew I was in love and that I was in big trouble. My tears flew because there might never come that day when our paths would cross and we would forget all those days of longing. Aching for the others touch and nuzzling each other intimately.

Even after years, whatever the reason might be, I understood him. I don't know how could someone who loves a person who doesn't want to continue it, might understand. I stayed silent, I loved each day like death tearing me apart and one day it dawned on me. I'd loved him for who he was, and this entanglement wasn't allowing him to be himself. It took away his freedom; my freedom. We could just think and wait for this turmoil to get over, never knowing if there was an end to that tunnel.

I've travelled across countries in all this while, and never once left my city my motherland without thinking about him. Even if not seeing him physically or talking to him, I've always remembered him in my thoughts.

When today I think about it, I still have those words inside of me to say, they've never made their way onto my lips. They never will. Sometimes the hardest part is to let go someone. For if your love is enough it'll keep you alive. I let him go, he needed it and that was the only way his soul could be happier. I cared more about him than I did about what we had.

I still think about my beloved every fraction of that moment I get in solitude. I deny myself the luxury of giving it a name. I cannot face my fears once again. I cannot bring that word on my tongue , I am afraid. This changed me, this introduced me to my emotional side, taught about suffering and pain. It didn't make me immune to the transfer of those great energies that exist between two souls. It rather made me more receptive. Accepting love showered from any part of life, gratifyingly. My love isn't the greatest, this isn't some love story for the movie screens, it's just a simple story about how love has greater bounds than experience.

Sometimes it's larger than life and I thought it made me emotionally weak, but I've come to realise that it has made me more softer on the inside. I've discovered in myself someone I never thought existed. Tears might still flow, on starry nights and full moon celebrations, but they'll be tears of gratitude and love. In waiting, in anticipation, in acceptance of a truth.

“When My Sorrow Was Born”

noreply@blogger.com (Tanvi) — Sun, 25 Jan 2015 11:14:00 +0000

Images are copyright protected

When my Sorrow was born I nursed it with care, and watched over it with loving tenderness.

And my Sorrow grew like all living things, strong and beautiful and full of wondrous delights.

And we loved one another, my Sorrow and I, and we loved the world about us; for Sorrow had a kindly heart and mine was kindly with Sorrow.

And when we conversed, my Sorrow and I, our days were winged and our nights were girdled with dreams; for Sorrow had an eloquent tongue, and mine was eloquent with Sorrow.

And when we sang together, my Sorrow and I, our neighbors sat at their windows and “listened; for our songs were deep as the sea and our melodies were full of strange memories.

And when we walked together, my Sorrow and I, people gazed at us with gentle eyes and whispered in words of exceeding sweetness. And there were those who looked with envy upon us, for Sorrow was a noble thing and I was proud with Sorrow.

But my Sorrow died, like all living things, and alone I am left to muse and ponder.

And now when I speak my words fall heavily upon my ears.

And when I sing my songs my neighbours come not to listen.

And when I walk the streets no one looks at me.

Only in my sleep I hear voices saying in pity, “See, there lies the man whose Sorrow is dead.”

~.~ ~.~ ~.~

sorrow; morose; melancholy; saturnine; mournful; perversive; taciturn;

All these words we so casually use in our everyday lives, being ignorant of its depth.

A man perpetually sad, tenderly loves and cares for his sorrow because that's his only companion, between the great mountain and the sea, he silently loves and all the three are one in loneliness, and the love that binds them together is deep, strong and strange.

{The opening lines are an Excerpt From: Gibran, Khalil. “The Madman.”}

White tears

noreply@blogger.com (Tanvi) — Fri, 09 Jan 2015 19:54:00 +0000

I've seen you,

In this darkness,

There's a mask,

Which I've loved.

I was the one who loved,

Immensely

And also the one who lost,

Fierce and sad,

Love lost and words gone.

The cloak of words,

Is translucent,

I was once a familiar,

Now just a quaint figure.

Tears dried,

Cold and frozen,

A ghostly figure,

Imbibed in love.

Song

noreply@blogger.com (Tanvi) — Sat, 20 Dec 2014 21:52:00 +0000

There's a song in my eyes,

Taking back tears alright

The world spinning in a whirlwind

Clouded staying by my side.

With love in tune,

They say fools only feel,

What's widely unknown.

I stand in the subway,

Holding back tears,

If only I'd guarded,

The vanquished Heart .

Words necessary,

Are never spoken truly,

All the scattered pieces

Remain, not in my heart.

My very subdued heart.

I sit there still,

Waiting for my ride,

Hoping to get back,

One step at a time,

All that while being

Alone and torn.

Confused billion souls

noreply@blogger.com (Tanvi) — Wed, 26 Nov 2014 22:36:00 +0000

Sometimes all I wanna do is cry. And I don't know if crying will help too, because there's so much of this spent up energy, that buried self of yours
Staring out at you from the hooded eyes. It's so much different now. From what I was, to what I've become? The carousel is still turning round and round, the life around changed, I've grown up, but the inside me is still the same. I struggle to find myself in this game of pretension, to discover the true potential.

Photographs over the years have depicted me more deeply than I'd thought, from long hair to short, then again long, the fringes ;the pony tails. The transition is smooth and shiny, it's even glossy on the screen. What I notice is though very revealing. The tear stained face, the swollen eyes, the listless pale appearance. Behind the glossy screen is a ghostly appearance of an amateur girl, innocent no more.

The ride is bumpy, giving scars, making the foundation strong. Or is it just a mask? The swings go up and down, sometimes fast and sometimes calm. I see people. My people.

When I compete one round, I see them no more. They're gone. I'm still moving around, still going ahead.

How long can I do this without breaking apart?

How long, before my mind whirls and I fall sheepishly on the ground?

How long to endure the test?

How far will it go? Not much if you see, it's the same circular motion, repeatedly going on.

I stopped at the second when I saw her going (my so called school friend).

I stopped a few moments, maybe more when I was heartbroken.
I begged for it to stop, but I realized more than anything I wanted it to go on. To not give me time to tumble into pieces. It indefinitely did.

I stopped to catch a breath when I heard it, when I saw it, when that was for the first time I'd seen something like that. I didn't know what to do. It was still moving, my people leaving me.

The constant motion made my head spin, I cried and begged, I blamed and cursed, I resisted and fell, I saw the motion continue, just this time without me.

I was off the game.

I got up and jumped on, for the desperation to be better was higher than breaking point. I shut my doors of zero vision. I got scared of being alone, I didn't trust myself enough to trust anyone else.

I noticed myself fainting, the carousel never stopped moving, I could never get off. And I couldn't recognize myself anymore.

A quaint figure, merely riding on a carousel.

Inkheart

noreply@blogger.com (Tanvi) — Tue, 11 Nov 2014 14:51:00 +0000

Is there anyone who could understand well about how twisted this world is?

who do you think I should tell this to?

There are such simple things around me, so simple that the world just might take a second to see its beauty. But , everyone here is involved in some game, game of manipulations. Its easier for them to hide behind the veil of manipulation and pretension, rather than appear as weak and lacking. Isn't that the sole reason why we disappear into nothingness? Without leaving a trace of our honesty. Its funny how we humans think its what is growing up in the real sense, when all it really is foolishness.

#nothingiswellunderstood #lifeislikecancer

There is no darkness ample enough to elude one into blurring horizons. There is no classic literature more better than truth put in plain and simple words. But alas! we're lost into our dramas of other world substitutes. And but what do we want from this world if not just a little warmth? To give away a little of ourselves?

Words have always enchanted me, attracted me, i like playing with words, the words that make conversations, the words that make feelings, the words left unsaid. The fewer people I think I know, the more confused I get. Every time I talk to each person, I see a new side, a new set of words. There isn't anything that escapes my eye, I see every passing action; reaction.

How do you help someone who doesn't want to be helped? How is it possible to love so fiercely and then forget all about it? How do we expect humans to get ahead of that step where they lost all they ever had? what sort of tricky explanation would you give to a child who innocently asks, if being honest and good was only because we seek love and affection from people around us?

Its so aptly said about loss, that it changes us, coming out on the other side isn't an option, how you change is an option.
How we perceive our world is upto us. Rest as they say is just cliche`

P.S no signing off , no tweaky stuff, and yes it's a comeback for good. Eyes on 2015!

The kiss

noreply@blogger.com (Tanvi) — Tue, 06 May 2014 21:52:00 +0000

Maybe I was thinking about kissing too. And I could see, you were looking at my lips, not staring but periodically yes while I talked, laughed, smiled. It gave me a strong impression that you wanted to kiss me. And I was thinking about that moment when you might actually gather the courage to get closer to me, I wasn't thinking about the kiss, I was rather thinking about whether I'll be fine, if it'll actually happen, and how will I feel, and most importantly whether I'll let you.

I was swimming in my own thoughts while you spoke about airplanes, your most loved topic about which you can rant for hours, and I was just smiling, not listening to you but wondering about your parallel thoughts of touching my lips, and pondering over why you were pushing them in the background. Sidelining such a beautiful urge.

I remember you saying the word landing, when your hand caught my eye, you were moving it doing that action you usually do while talking, i noticed you'd hair, they were scanty and grouped in circles. I don't really remember much of what you said after that, except for one thing your lips moved, and I wondered at a point why were you even trying to make conversation, why were you continuing when you knew I wasn't into it, why was it so necessary to keep yourself distracted from my lips, and you suddenly had stopped.

We were looking at each other, it was a dark night, we both knew it was time to go home, but I had more important things on my mind at that moment. Like the kiss.

Yes, I was wondering what was keeping you away. Fear? Rejection? Vulnerability? I was looking at you for answers, while you drowned in my eyes, the gaze I didn't block, the stare I felt comfortable in. The first gaze that day, was a forbidden one, stolen one, i'd not permitted you to look at me. Now I was feeling secure in it.

I wanted to just touch your hand, interlace my fingers into yours, i'd this irresistible urge to just lay down my head on your shoulders and stare into oblivion.

And there we were, eyes shining of light in that darkness, facing each other just staring two feet away. We looked at each bodily movement, we'd scrutinized every breath sound and inch of visible skin, we'd desired each other through a thousand splendid universes and not spoken a single word.

The silence there was so numbing, calming, and tranquil but my heartbeat was rapid, I'd suddenly started feeling restless. The tenderness in your eyes was about to drive me away, it made me feel vulnerable, the rawness with which you gazed into me was scary.

I wanted you to kiss me, or not kiss me. Either way I wanted to know if I would let you. If I'll let go, and give in, or push you away with reflex. I wanted to find out.

Suddenly you broke the freezing moment and said goodnight. I sensed fear.

I didn't say a word.
.

And I didn't turn behind to see you walk away.

That day it was the kiss which never happened, that was all that had happened.

Picture credits: Pascal campion art