Overcoming Pornography Addiction

Free Help for Porn Addiction

2010-08-27T17:20:00.000-07:00

Watch How to Stop Porn Addiction Here

Hi, my name is Alex and I am a recovering pornography addict. Three years ago, when I was deep into my addiction, I was desperate for help. I was too ashamed to talk about my addiction with other, and I was determent to figure this out on my own.

I tried to find any help for my porn addiction, but nobody wanted to help me for free. At the time I couldn't afford to pay for a recovery program. That is when I swore to myself, that if I ever were to get better, I will share all my knowledge for free, with as many people as possible.

I first tried to quit cold turkey, but found that I was not able to stay away from pornography longer than couple of weeks at the time. I would always start out strong and determent, but would eventually lose my determination, and end up giving it.

This went on for me, for about a year before I finally realized that I had to do something differently. That is when I began to read as many books as I could get my hands on about this addiction.

Eventually all of this hard work paid off, and it has now been over year and a half since I watched pornography or masturbated.

In my videos, on my blog, and in my free recovery course, I try to share everything that I learned in my 3 years of recovery. I do not charge anything for this information and the site is completely sustained by member’s donations.

What it means to you is that I welcome you to learn as much as you can from this site, and I do not expect anything in return!

A good way to familiarize yourself with the kind of information that I provide, is by watching my free video titled “How to Stop Porn Addiction”.

But by far the most valuable source of information that I provide is my free recovery course. Simply signup on your right!

How to Stop Porn Addiction

2010-08-17T01:22:00.000-07:00

Three years ago I could not last a week without watching pornography or masturbating. I struggled to stop on my own, but failed every time.

I tried to find free help online, but all of the sites that I came across would only offer help in exchange for money. That is when I promised to myself, that if I ever will be able to break porn addiction I will create a free recovery resource available to everybody!

I am proud to announce that it has been over 1.5 years since I watched pornography or masturbated, and my life, especially my relationship with my future wife has transformed in magical ways!

I broke free by reading as many book as I could on the subject, paying for a few recovery programs, seeing a psychologist, and attending a group therapy.

In the following 15 minute video, I summarize the most valuable information that I learned in my three years of recovery.

Note: You can read the transcript of the video below.

Part 1

Part 2

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Additional Resources
Download Checklist
Download Sample Motivational Statements
View Suggested Acts of Self-care

In the following video I am going to show you a technique that helped me stop porn addiction. I am not a doctor, nor a professional movie maker, and for a very long time, I kept this approach to myself. Just recently I shared it with some of my friends in recovery, and they found it very helpful. So I decided to share it with the rest of the world.

Isn't Pornography Just a Bad Habit?

A first major component in my own recovery was an understanding that pornography viewing was not just a bad habit. It was an obsessive compulsive cycle that I was engaging in. For me, it usually started with a sexual thought that I didn’t want, which would make me feel guilty, and I would try to avoid the thought for as long as I could.

Eventually I would get to a point where I couldn’t handle the pressure any longer and I would go back to the only way I knew to make those thoughts temporarily go away –watching pornography and masturbating.

After I would come back to my senses, I would feel guilt and regret for being so weak and giving in again and I would swear to never do it again. Unfortunately over time I would find sexual thoughts coming back, and since I didn’t know how to handle them in a healthy way, I would try once again to push them away for a while, but eventually the whole cycle would repeat itself.

Clearly this cycle didn’t help my thoughts to go away and it only made them come back stronger and faster, and I began to rely more and more on my behavior to help me escape the sexual thoughts, and eventually this cycle got completely out of control, to the point where I would have to spending most of my day watching porn, looking at a really hard core stuff in order to temporary satisfy my desires, and allow me to return to my normal state.

In other words, I found that the more I fed my porn addiction, the bigger it got.

Why Are My Cravings So Strong?

The biggest lesson that I learned at first, is that the human craving is shaped kind of like a bell curve, meaning it gets really intense. And most of the addicts, in any addiction, including pornography addiction would get used to the fact that they could never get past their cravings. And that their cravings will eventually get so strong, that they will have no choice but to give in.

In actuality, however, we as human beings cannot sustain any emotion, or any kind of feelings for a long period of time, and eventually any feeling including craving will decrease.

So the trick is to ride out your craving. And the more you learn to ride out your cravings, the less your cravings will become. Which of course sounds nice, but as many of us addicts know it is not easy to do.

So I am going to share with you a technique that I learned that helped me do just that.

How Can I Tell if I am About to Act Out Before it is Too Late?

But before we do that I wanted to point your attention towards certain physiological changes that begin to take place in your body right before you are about to act out (watch porn or mastrbate compressively):

Rapid Pulse
Increased blood pressure
Your Eyes dilate
And your Breath gets Shallow

So it is something to watch out for. And the reason it is so important is because we can use this information to help us on our way to recovery from porn addiction.

We can use our pulse to measure our current state. We can learn our normal pulse and recognize if it is getting too high. We can use it as an indicator that we are about to get out of control. At the same time we can re-measure pulse once again to let us know that the pulse is back to normal, that we are getting out of the danger zone, and that the physical craving begins to decrease.

Another very important component is breath. It is the only subconscious bodily function that we can consciously control. Think about it! You cannot control your blood pressure, you cannot control you pulse, but you can control your breath. You can take slow, deep, controlled breaths, and through that you can affect your subconscious mind. It is a very important key!

So What Can I Do to Kill My Craving?

So let’s move right into action. The technique that I used to help me overcome the craving is called Exposure and Response Prevention or ERP and is usually used for Obsessive Compulsive disorder, and other psychological problems. It is very effective, it’s been around for quite some time, tons of people use it and it works really well.

The key idea of technique is that you practice avoiding certain behaviors while you are still strong. So by the time your real craving kicks in, your body has already learned a new response.

In order to do that, you systematically expose yourself to a trigger which usually would cause you to engage in addictive behavior, but instead you practice a healthy response. Over time you will learn that the cravings do not rule your life, and that there is a way for you to ride out a craving and return to your normal self, without having to act out.

And the high that you get from feeling proud of yourself will be much stronger than any high that you could possibly get from your addiction.

ERP works in the following way. You first identify the trigger, and as soon as you feel the physiological response from your body, you measure your pulse rate, which you would usually find to be a bit higher than your normal pulse. After that you immediately shift into a controlled breathing exercise to calm yourself down. Next you review your personal motivation statements, to remind yourself of all the positive things that you can bring in your life if you were not acting out. Then you measure your pulse again, and note the difference. Last but not least, you follow up with an act of self care. Let’s look at those steps in a little more closely.

Step 1 – Identify or imagine trigger.

While ERP is very effective with helping you overcome a real trigger, it will not be as helpful unless you have already practiced it multiple times before facing the real danger.

Therefore I recommend a commitment of 30 days, with a complete ERP practice being the first thing that you do every morning. In order to start the practice you can imagine a trigger, for example being home alone with a computer. Your body is not able to tell the difference between a mental image that you create, and a real life situation, and will produce a similar physiological response. That way you can practice the Exposure and Response Prevention techniques in a safe environment, without having to expose yourself to the real danger.

If at any time during the day you begging to feel a strong craving and a desire to act out, follow up with another ERP exercise. Personally, at first I found myself doing 2-3 ERP exercises per day, but soon was able to get through most of my days with only 1 or 2 exercise.

Step 2 - Measure your pulse rate as soon as you observe your body begin to change.

It is easier to measure it for 15 seconds and multiply it times four. I am going to provide a quick reference chart that you can download from my website – feed the right wolf . org which will help you to quickly convert your pulse rate and keep the record of your progress.

Step 3 - Controlled Breathing Exercise

After you record your pulse rate, follow up with a controlled breathing exercise. Simply, breathe IN for 10 seconds, hold your breath for 10 seconds, and breathe out for 10 second. Repeat it 10 times. I use my fingers to keep the count of my breaths, so I can free up my mind and concentrate on breathing.

Step 4 - Review Personal Motivational Statements

Next you review your personal statements. You will have to do a little homework on this. Just sit down and really think, why is that you want to get sober? Why do you want to stop this behavior? What will you be able to do if you get sober?

The answers that you come up with must be able to really touch your soul. Literally, you have to feel the Goosebumps! That is how badly you need to want to stop this behavior and get the good things in your life. And if you are not going to feel the Goosebumps, if it is not going to touch your soul, it is just not going to be strong enough to make you choose to stop the behavior, follow up with the rest of the exercise, and move on with your life.

Some of the statements that I used were: My dreams of having a wife and a child will come true if I walk away. I will be stronger and more in control if I walk away. I will regain my self-respect and dignity if I walk away. My family will be proud of me if I walk away. I will be able to look into people’s eyes, and feel proud of myself if I walk away. You can download 30 sample stamens from my site.

One more note, I had my statements written out on 3 by 5 cards, and I would read them out loud. That way I was doing (i.e. moving the cards), reading and hearing at the same time. Human beings learn the best by combination of doing, seeing and hearing.

Step 5 – Re-measure your pulse rate.

When you first begin your ERP practice, you might notice that your pulse rates remains the same between steps 2 and 5, or maybe even you will notice it going up a little. It is normal. Over time, however, you will learn to decrease your pulse rate, and you will be able to bring yourself back to the normal state. Ideally you should be able to decrease your pulse rate by about 4 to 8 bits per minute.

Additionally overtime you will notice that pulse rate in step 2 will not be getting as high as it used to. This will be a clear sign of your progress.

Step 6 – Follow up with an act of self care

This is very important and most overlooked step. You have to do something good for yourself. Preferable you need to get out of the house. The best thing that you can do for yourself is an outdoor exercise.

That is what I did for my first 30 days when I broke my addictive cycle. I would go out and jog, after my morning practice. And if I felt the craving again during the day, I would do another ERP exercise and follow up with a different act of self care, like cooking a healthy meal, journaling, or taking a nap. I have a list of 67 healthy activities that I came up with posted on my blog.

Is Just One Technique Enough?

I want to mention one story that was the key element in putting this all together for me. Exposure and Response Prevention technique is great, but I think it works even better if you combine it with other approaches. So here is how the story goes:

One evening an old Cherokee told his grandson about a battle that goes on inside all people. He said, “My son, the battle is between two 'wolves' inside us all. “One is Evil. It is anger, envy, jealousy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority, and ego.” “The other is Good. It is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion and faith.” The grandson thought about it for a minute and then asked his grandfather, “Which wolf wins?” The old Cherokee simply replied, “The one you feed.”

So I thought what can I do to feed the right wolf? The answer was not as obvious as it might seem. Over time I came to a conclusion that if I took a good care of myself, my good wolf will be stronger, and my bad wolf will be weaker. Therefore in addition to the daily practice of Exposure and Response Prevention, I committed to the following rules:

8 hours of sleep a day
Eating Healthy (3 meals, and 2 snacks a day)
Drink plenty of water (at least 8 glasses a day)
Journaling about my triggers
Meditating
Morning and Evening Prayer
Avoiding Dangerous Situations (think acronym HALT)
- Hungry
- Angry
- Lonely
- Tired

Warning:
When you will stop your porn addiction, you will begin to feel more pain in your life not less. You used your addiction for a very long time to cope with the stress of life, and when you are going to stop relying on this crutch, you will feel real pain. Just realize that this pain is a temporary but necessary consequence of your past mistakes. Use this pain as a guide to identify what areas of your life need improvement, and what was causing the pain and discomfort in the first place, causing you to look for ways to escape.

What Else Can I Do to Help Me Stop?

Some of the things that helped me on my way to rebuilding a healthy lifestyle were:

12 step groups

There is a lot of criticism out there in regards to 12 step groups, but I’ll recommend you doing what my sponsor told me to do, “Take what works for you, and leave the rest behind”. The best thing about the 12 step groups is that the infrastructure is already in place.

If you live near a major city, chances are you will have multiple meetings in your area. If you live in a remote location, you can always attend a phone meeting. It is there, it is available, and you can meet people who have similar problems, and are looking for similar solutions. And best of all, it will only cost you a 2 dollar donation per meeting. I have full list of all 12 step meetings posted on my blog.

Professional Counseling

Professional counseling is great but you need to be careful, and pick a counselor experienced with porn addiction.

Educate Yourself

Read as much as you can on how to stop porn addiction . This is one of the best tools that you can use to help you in your recovery. It will help you with your addiction, and it will help you to re-building a new, healthier you.

Spiritual Life

Get involved with your spiritual life, and make sure you make room for it in your life.
And Journal about your progress. Journaling was one of the most beneficial tools for me, and I cannot stress it enough.

Also remember progress and not perfection. Don’t try to do it perfectly, don’t try to be perfect. You will make mistakes, we all do. As long as you keep working at it, you will get better. It took you many years to get this far into your addiction, don’t expect to fix it all in 30 days. It will take you some time. Be patient with yourself, keep going, and your life will improve.

If you stumble don’t beat yourself up. Just learn from your mistakes, and over time you will become a new person. If you keep working it, there is no other way; your body will learn a new response.

So this is really all I have, I just want to say thank you!

Thank you for carrying, thank you for trying to change yourself, thank you for looking for solutions. If you know somebody who is looking for ways to stop porn addiction, please share this message with them!

Candeo Can – Overcoming Pornography Addiction - Summary and Review

2010-08-10T23:38:00.000-07:00

Click here, if you want to skip the summary and go straight to the reviews.

In this article, I am going to show you why the Candeo Can online program has completely revolutionized my personal recovery. I have learned more from this program in two months than over a year of one-on-one counseling. I am now a year and a half free from compulsive masturbation, and 6 months free from purposely looking at any form of pornographic material.

Let me give you a brief overview of how Candeo Can training course is organized, and then later provide a detailed summary of all the material included in the course.

Course Review

Candeo Can has two main modules that you work from: your dashboard and the training room. But your browser will show many more compartments as popup windows, as can be seen on the image below. (Click on the image to see it in high resolution.)

The dashboard is where you first land on the site. From there, you can communicate with your coach and Candeo Can support people. You can also use it to write your journal, review your personal motives, access your emergency lifelines, and enter the training room. The training room is where you spend most of your time.

Candeo Can consists of 10 levels, each one taking approximately 1-2 hours to complete. Each level has exercises that you must complete in order to proceed forward, as well as homework assignments that must be done over a defined period of time ranging from 1 day to 1 week.

The best part about Candeo Can is that you receive the most updated information from three of the leading experts in the field of pornography addiction: Dr. Randall F. Hyde, Bernell L. Christensen, Ph.D., and Mark B. Kastleman.

In addition, all information is presented as video lectures, which makes learning fun and an efficient process.

Below is the summary of the material covered in the Candeo Can program. This serves two purposes: as a good preview for interested people and a way for people who have already completed the program to refresh their knowledge—a good review. A large portion of this material is from the lesson summary provided at the end of each level, but I have added my own comments wherever I felt it was necessary.

If you have a question about the program or any of the techniques covered below, please post it in the comment area below, and I would love to get back to you on that. Meanwhile, take a look at the summary below.

Summary of the Included Material

Week 1: Your Brain and Addiction

How your brain forms habits and addictions.
The M.A.P. (Motive Awareness Practice) process to change any habit and break out of addiction.
How a powerful motive (WHY?) is the fuel for changing any behavior.
How distorted thinking—overpredicting pleasure, forgetting the pain, minimizing consequences (i.e., it is not that bad), complacency after a period of abstinence—gets in the way of positive change.
How a clear picture of what will happen if you don’t change, can help you. How a vivid vision of your wonderful life free of pornography is the most powerful motive of all.
How the daily review of your Dream Board and Life Creed is essential to your recovery.

Week 2: Why is Pornography Addictive?

The typical profile of someone who gets caught up in pornography and other sexual addictions. (Intelligent, sensitive, spiritual, weakness = strength)
The most common falsehoods and myths about sexual addiction.
A clear understanding of how you developed your sexual addiction—How did I get here?
The differences between “healthy sexual intimacy” and sexual addiction.
Replacement for real intimacy (shyness, social phobia) – acts of kindness
Evolution stages of addiction (excitement and pleasure, self medication, replacement for real intimacy, control and release phase)
How the Funnel of Sexual Process operates inside a healthy marriage relationship vs. the viewing of pornography and other sexual addiction behaviors.
Why pornography use is a “drug addiction” and the motivations for using this drug.
Triggers
- BOREDOM
- LONELINESS
- ANGER
- FEAR
- STRESS
- FATIGUE (being tired or burned out)
Identify how your addiction started
Acts of Kindness

Week 3: What is Driving Your Addiction?

Fear and avoidance are at the heart of your sexual addiction.
The more you fear, fight and avoid sexual thoughts, the more intense and intrusive they become, quickly evolving into an obsession that dominates your mind.
Seeking relief from being at war with incessant, intrusive sexual thoughts, you act out your compulsion (pornography, masturbation and other sexual addiction behaviors).
After acting out, you feel intense guilt, shame, regret and the like, which increase your fear and avoidance of sexual thoughts, starting the cycle all over again. This is called the Obsessive Compulsive Cycle or OCD.
With each attempt and failure to shut out intrusive sexual thoughts, the cycle deepens until you are trapped in the OCD Cycle.
Avoidance, mental extremes and exaggeration are emotional, psychological and spiritual death! It is the extreme that entraps.
The advice to “just quit thinking about it,” “avoid it,” or “get it out of your mind” has actually deepened your addiction! This is the worst advice there is!
Rather than being afraid, avoiding and running from sexual temptation—face it and deal with it reasonably, realistically and normally. You will have to “think” your way out of your addiction.
Just like other “drugs,” as you stop using pornography and engaging in other sexual addiction behaviors, you may experience withdrawal symptoms. Don’t worry. Once your nervous system calms down, you will find that normal life is exciting and stimulating again—you will be “high on life” again.

Week 4: How to Break Free

Running from your fears only intensifies them—you must face your fears to overcome them.
To break out of your OCD Cycle, use “Face-it (Recognize you are entering the cycle through addictive behavior), Replace-it (Acknowledge the true meaning of what is happening and what you really want to do in your life), Connect (Talk to a live person to bring you back to reality).”
Consistently use Scheduled and Real-Life Practice to rebuild your brain and create new healthy circuitry.
Record your Temptations and Statements of Truth in your own voice and then listen to them every chance you have.
Adding “Connect” as a third step to your Real-Life Practice will greatly accelerate your journey to freedom from addiction.

Week 5: Re-Create Your Healthy Brain

Every time you practice, you are following the Success M.A.P. that changes any behavior, habit or addiction.
Your recovery success depends on your ability to “raise your level of awareness”.
Brain cravings for stimulation can only be sustained for so long; you just have to seek relief at a certain point.
Set reminders
Practicing works because it follows the “ABCD Model” and Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. (A – activating event, stimulus; B – believe, how should I respond, habit; C – Consequence, result of your beliefs = feelings and emotions. B is what happens between A and C, it determines your quality of life. D – Debate, logical, truthful debate with yourself to form a new belief, which will begin to bring positive consequences)
PRACTICE
Veto power over automatic processes (Debate). You have mastered many skills over your lifetime, and you will master your recovery skills.
Use it or lose it, your old brain circuitry atrophy (but it will always be there, and can re-grow back)
Once an addict, always an addict is a lie!
Consistent simple choices will set you free.
You can only break free by creating a new brain, not using your old one. Do it through practice.

Week 6: Be Ready Next Time Craving Hits

If you are overwhelmed by “the wave,” you need to take emergency action immediately!
It can be easy to forget the pain and consequences of your addiction and keep taking the “limbic leap”.
To “reconnect” your frontal lobes where logic and reason reside, “play the movie to the bitter end.”
Mental error, imagining how exciting it would be to do ...
A highly effective Emergency Lifeline is “My letter to myself.” You can use this to keep yourself from going into the funnel.
Use powerful Lifeline Symbols to override the pleasure center of your brain and connect to the people and things that really matter to you.
Identify and invite two Emergency Lifeline People to be available when you are in a crisis.
Practice calling these individuals each week so you will be prepared when the “real thing” happens.
When you find yourself overwhelmed by the urge to act out your addiction, follow the 4 Steps for Emergency Action!
1. Get your body moving.
2. Gratitude Breath (Breathe and think about things in life that you are thankful for)
3. Call your emergency lifeline person and review your lifeline symbols.
4. Go connect to real people, move out of isolation.
If you have a slip, don’t waste one minute on shame and self-flogging. Assess, make adjustments and immediately begin moving forward again.
You are not perfect. Learning evolves in steps. Work, practice commitment and persistence.
Be a battle strategist: learn, adjust and move on.

Week 7: Healthy Sexuality in Your Life

If you interpret women as “erotic,” it’s because you’ve made them that way through repetitive thinking. You can make them different by altering your thoughts.
Knowing the “whole truth” about the women of pornography forever changes your perception of it.
You can be a great “brother” to all girls and women.
Sexual arousal is “creative power” manifesting itself in you. You can direct it for tremendous good!
Making love or having sex should be re-labeled to “Expressing Full Commitment,” which is only possible in committed relationship.
You can move sexuality to a much higher level.

Week 8: Developing Healthy Relationships

We all crave intimacy—we need to love and be loved—we need deep connection.
People often use sexual addiction to fill the “intimacy void”.
Trying to fill the need for human intimacy with pornography is like trying to continually fill a bucket with holes in it.
You’ve got to be your own “best friend” and stop self-betrayal.
Love yourself unconditionally first, and watch your capacity to love others blossom!
You must become very aware of your “self-talk”.
You can connect with others in simple ways that make all the difference to you and them.
You can start to heal damaged relationships just by directing your thoughts about others.

Week 9: Get Addicted to Healthy Life!

Simple Addiction is about stimulating the brain’s pleasure centers.
Dopamine and Endorphins can be used in healthy and destructive ways.
Taking the Limbic Leap into the Funnel disconnects the Frontal Lobes of the brain and puts the Limbic System in control—pleasure over logic and reason.
The brain quickly habituates and needs greater stimulation to achieve the same level of pleasure.
Certain situations or emotions can trigger your sexual addiction behaviors.
The key is to recognize your triggers early, before you are in a crisis.

Week 10: Back to the Basics

Internet pornography and other sexual addiction behaviors are powerful eroto-toxins. Your brain needs time to “re-sensitize” to the simple pleasures of life.
Healthy pleasure outlets should be an essential and regular part of your daily life.
Recognize the “early signs” that you’re BLASTed (Bored, Burned Out, Lonely, Anxious, Afraid, Angry, Stressed, Tired) and implement healthy outlets.

Once again, thank you for reading and I hope this information was helpful. To learn more about the program and to join thousands of others who have found new freedom from their addiction, sign up for a free mini course at CandeoCan.com .

Free Recovery Course

2010-08-01T22:21:00.000-07:00

In the Free Recovery Course You Will Discover...

A chemical process that takes place in your brain, causing you to get addicted
The addictive cycle that your body goes through and how to break out of it
How human brain works and why sometimes you lose control of your actions
Four simple exercises to strengthen your brain
How to create your sexual recovery plan
How to control your cravings
An important strategy to help you beat your addiction once and for all
How your beliefs are causing you to suffer
Seven beliefs that were keeping me trapped
One big lesson that I learned from my relapse, and what you can do to avoid my mistakes
Two very important tools that can magnify your recovery
Four things that you can do to help you stay sober for the rest of your life

All of these are free, delivered daily to your email!

Use the Form On the Right to Sign Up Now!

How Does Comparison Affect Our Decision Making?

2010-06-05T17:07:00.000-07:00

Everything is relative, and Einstein was not the only scientist who suggested that! In his book “Influence, The Psychology of Persuasion” (sponsored link) Dr. Cialdini tells of a common practice performed in human psychology courses. Students are asked to put their left hand in a bucket full of iced water, and their right hand in a bucket full of hot water. After a minute, they are asked to put both hands in a third bucket kept at room temperature. As a result students feel that their left hand is very hot, and their right hand is very cold, while logically they understand that the temperature of the water in the middle bucket is the same.

What does this experiment tells us? Often times we can perceive some information as accurate, while in actuality it is affected by our subjective experience. This characteristic is often used by marketers and sales people to influence our decision making process. Dr. Cialdini provides another example of a Real Estate agent, who would intentionally show a couple of overpriced and ran down properties to his clients, before introducing them to the property that he actually intended to sell. As the result clients felt that they were getting a good deal, and were more likely to buy.

Additionally Dr. Cialdini suggests that our love relationships could also be affected by comparison:

...studies done on the contrast principle at Arizona State and Montana State universities suggest that we may be less satisfied with the physical attractiveness of our own lovers because of the way the popular media bombard us with examples of unrealistically attractive models. In one study college students rated a picture of an average looking member of the opposite sex as less attractive if they had first looked through the ads in some popular magazines. In another study, male college-dormitory residents rated the photo of a potential blind date. Those who did so while watching an episode of the Charlie’s Angels TV series viewed the blind date as a less attractive woman than those who rated her while watching a different show. Apparently it was the uncommon beauty of the Angels female stars that made the blind date seems less attractive… (Influence, The Psychology of Persuasion, p9)

So what is the moral of the story? I would say, be careful with what you put in your brain. What do you think? Care to comment?

My Husband Watches Porn, Will He Cheat on Me?

2010-04-22T18:29:00.000-07:00

The short answer is that it depends. The good (or rather bad) news is that most of men in modern day society watch pornography.

As a matter of fact, I personally know of very few men who do not do it. Most of these men are either in recovery from sexual addiction or are very religious people.

Personally I believe that there is nothing good at all that comes out of pornography. I am in recovery from sex and pornography addiction and I have stopped watching pornography and masturbating completely.

As of writing of this article I am 1 year and 4 month masturbation free, and I have not looked at any form of pornography in close to 6 months. The only form of sexual stimulation that I receive is from interaction with my future wife, and my life and our relationship has been constantly improving.

I did not get to this point right away though. I was raised thinking that looking at pornography was a normal behavior, and literally almost everybody that I knew did it.

If anything, I viewed it as a healthy alternative to cheating. It took a lot of "acting out" on my part, and coming close to getting into legal trouble, to make me realize that I had a problem, helping me to break away from my denial.

This was the first step, but it was not for another year and a half until I was able to begin achieving any long term sobriety. I found that my addiction to pornography was much stronger then I could ever imagine.

My story is common, but it is not the only story. There is probably a large group of men, who are able to watch pornography without having their behavior span out of control. While, based on my personal experience and experience of others that I have met in recovery, I believe that pornography is still causing a tremendous negative effect on their lives; I cannot for certain say anything about anybody rather than myself.

So is my husband addicted to pornography too?

Possibly, a more helpful approach is to avoid thinking in terms of black and white, but rather to take a closer look at what extent pornography affects your husband. In his book, “Treating Pornography Addiction” Dr. Kevin B. Skinner recommends looking at various levels of behaviors associated with pornography use.

Level 1. Mild exposure – once or twice a year, no effect on regular life.

Level 2. Pornography use does not indicate addiction – occasional looking at pornography with increased interest.

Level 3. Signs of trouble – person looks about once a month, usually tries to avoid, but occasionally urge get so strong that cannot be controlled, and person gives in.

Level 4. Individual notices increased sexual fantasies, and attempts to control them, which results in stronger withdrawal symptoms.

Level 5. Pornography impacting day to day living with significant portion of the day spent thinking about pornography.

Level 6. Pornography dominates most of the day to day lives, affecting work, school, and personal relationships.

Level 7. Pornography and acting out consumes most of individuals time, leaving him feeling completely out of control.

Large portion of men in modern day society fluctuates somewhere between levels 1 and 4 throughout their lives. The real danger comes when men begin to go past these levels. Usually these shifts can occur due to a number of reasons.

Reason 1. Controlling their sexual urges.

A large portion of men operate under assumption that it is OK to be promiscuous while they are young, and once they find the right women they will be able to all of the sudden turn their sexual desires off, and become faithful to her.

In reality, however, many men find that old habits are hard to change, and they begin to feel urges to get engaged with different women. Logically, however, they understand that they enjoy their relationship and that cheating would most likely ruin it, so they turn to pornography instead.

So what is the problem with that?

The problem is that our brain and body are designed by nature to habituate to external stimuli. No scientific citation is needed, because this statement is pretty much common sense. We all know of people who must have their half a gallon cup of coffee every day, because a tall Mocha just doesn’t do it for them anymore.

How about a smoker? Or people addicted to adrenaline rush? Remember the first horror movie you watch? Would you be as scared now if you were to watch it again?

Similarly if a person begins to rely on pornography used to control their sexual urges, they would get a short term effect, and their urge would go away. Next time it comes back, however, they would have to look for something a bit harder to satisfy their urge. And next time something even harder.

Eventually they can progress from Playboy magazines and lingerie catalogs, to soft-core pornography, hardcore pornography, and on to various forms of fetish pornography. At the same time they would find that once they begin to watch pornography they enter this “happy state” out of which it becomes harder and harder to return to the real world.

Only at this point, around Level 5 or 6 individual begins to enter a danger zone of actually cheating on their partner. They begin to notice that no amount of pornography is able to satisfy their sexual desires, and they begin to think that their sexual drive is just too strong, and they need to find a new way to be relieved. At this point some individual may reason that the only way out for them is to engage in sex outside of committed relationship.

Reason 2. Dealing with stress

Sex was designed by nature to feel good. Our brain cannot tell a difference between an image that we see and reality. Do not agree with this statement? Try looking at a picture of a nice juicy burger for few minutes; chances are that you will get a physiological response from your body. You might notice an increase in production of saliva and an increase feeling of hunger.

Similarly the brain will treat sexual images as a real sexual situation, and begin to release a bouquet of internal chemicals, that would make you feel good. This approach can be used to energize the person and to help them escape a stressful situation.

So what is the problem with that?

The problem is that if person continues to rely on pornography viewing as means of controlling their stress, eventually they would need larger and larger doses of this substance to get the same effect.

After a while the world could begin to seem as just a one unfortunate and annoying disturbance from a wonderful and peaceful world of pornography. By that time person is also likely to find himself or herself around level 5 or 6 of pornography addiction.

Reason 3. Need of excitement in life

Our lives could become pretty plain sometimes, especially if we get caught in an established routine. Watching pornography could become an exciting outlet for a boredom of day to day life.

So what is the problem with that?

I think you get the idea by now. If it becomes the dominant source of excitement in person’s life, it can quickly force the person to habituate, and force him to move quickly through the addictive levels.

Other Reasons may include but not limited to: Loneliness, Fear and Anxiety, Anger, Hunger, Being Tired, Financial Problems, Health Problems, Emotional Distress.

So will he cheat on me?

Not necessarily, but it is possible if he keeps on regressing in his behaviors.

The best thing that you can do is educate yourself and your husband about potential dangers associate with pornography viewing. “Out of the Shadows” by Dr. Patrick Carnes is probably one of the best book that explains pornography and other form of sexual addictions, and dangers associated with it.

It is also important to consider additional negative effects that excessive pornography use can have on individual, other than cheating on his loved one.

Being emotionally distant, not showing up for life, failing on commitments, decrease sexual interest towards their partner, not showing interest in healthy activities, poor performance at work, difficulty concentrating - are all very common side effects associates with pornography addiction.

The true sign of danger is if your husband has tried to control or limit his pornography viewing behavior, and found out that he was not able to stop.

This is a very likely sign of addiction, and you might want to consider seeking an outside help.

You might be interested in reading My 7 Steps to Recovery for Pornography Addiction, or visiting the Recommended Recovery Resources page to find out more.

What are your thoughts on this article? Was it at all helpful? How can it be improved?

My Boyfriend is Watching Porn, Will He Cheat on Me?

2010-04-22T12:29:00.000-07:00

This Page Has Moved Permanently. If you don't get immediately redirected please click here.

Pornography Addiction Cycle

2010-04-14T20:24:00.000-07:00

One of the most important skills that any addict can develop is awareness of their addictive cycle.

The following is a modified diagram from "Treating Pornography Addiction" (Sponsored link) a book by Dr. Kevin B. Skinner . (Click on the image below to see a higher resolution copy)

Notice that after a person goes past the initial four stages, the body begins to undergo a chemical reaction; from this point on it becomes very difficult to deactivate the "launch sequence". Therefore it is very important to learn to recognize the signs of danger before it is too late.

There are thing that can be done to help addicts get out of their addictive cycle. Simply becoming consciously aware of the cycle is already half of the battle.

Vulnerable situations are part of life, therefore it become crucial to prepare for future circumstances and develop a plan of action, and practice this plan, before any tempting situations occur.

The first key is to recognize the vulnerable situation, and to try to avoid any triggers all together. Unfortunately avoiding triggers is nearly impossible in our society, and sooner or later an addict will be exposed to a trigger. There are, however, plenty of healthy things that can be done, instead of acting out. Some of the helpful tools are meditation, journaling about the triggering event, making a phone call to a recovery partners, breathing exercises, and, best of all, any healthy activity outside of the acting out location.

If the critical point has been reach, and body language began to change, it is helpful to measure persons pulse rate, take 10 - 15 very deep breaths, and follow through with execution of the healthy escape plan. After the person begins to feel better, it is important to confirm that the body has returned to its normal state by measuring the pulse rate once again, and comparing it to the "acting out" pulse. The key is to lower the pulse rate by at least 5-10 beats per minute.

Deep breathing really is the key part, since it is the only subconscious bodily function that we can control consciously. Think about it. We can't control our heart rate, we can't control our blood pressure, we can' control our sweat glands, but we can control our breathing. Therefore, whenever anybody find himself or herself in a difficult situation, it is always best to take a deep breath.

If the person was unable to stop, and a slip has occurred, it is important not to beat himself or herself up. A slip is definitely not something to be proud of, and yet it is not the end of the world. As long as the person is in recovery, and as long as he or she keeps working and learning, he/she will get healthier. The point after a slip, is to use this opportunity to learn as much as possible about the addictive cycle that took place, and then use this information to further improve the recovery plan.

List of 12 Step Programs

2010-04-11T21:41:00.000-07:00

PDF Version

Sexual Addiction
Sexaholics Anonymous (SA)
Sex Addicts Anonymous (SAA)
Sexual Compulsives Anonymous (SCA)
Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous (SLAA)
Survivors of Incest Anonymous (SIA)

Substance Abuse
Alcoholic Anonymous (AA)
Cocaine Anonymous (CA)
Crystal Meth Anonymous (CMA)
Marijuana Anonymous (MA)
Narcotics Anonymous (NA)
Nicotine Anonymous (NicA)
Pills Anonymous (PA) recovery from prescription pill addiction.
Smokers Anonymous (SA)

Family and Friends of Addicts
Codependents of Sex Addicts (COSA)
CoSex and Love Addicts Anonymous (COSLAA)
Al-Anon/Alateen, for friends and family members of alcoholics
Co-Dependents Anonymous (CoDA) for people working to end patterns of dysfunctional relationships and develop functional and healthy relationships
Co-Anon, for friends and family of addicts
Families Anonymous (FA) for relatives and friends of addicts
Gam-Anon/Gam-A-Teen, for friends and family members of problem gamblers
Nar-Anon, for friends and family members of addicts
Recovering Couples Anoymous (RCA) Recovery for coupleships damaged by addictions .

Other Groups
Clutterers Anonymous (CLA)
Debtors Anonymous (DA)
Emotions Anonymous (EA) for recovery from mental and emotional illness
Food Addicts in Recovery Anonymous (FA)
Food Addicts Anonymous (FAA)
Gamblers Anonymous (GA)
Neurotics Anonymous (NAIL) for recovery from mental and emotional illness
Overeaters Anonymous (OA)
Online Gamers Anonymous (OLGA)
Workaholics Anonymous (WA)

Stages of Porn Addiction

2010-04-10T16:31:00.000-07:00

Many people view porn addiction in terms of black and white. You either have it or you don't.

This approach, however, is not very practical. It forces most of the people to react by denying any form of porn addiction, until they are presented with undeniable facts, such as getting into legal trouble, or getting caught by their spouse or children.

In his book "Treating Pornography Addiction" Dr. Kevin B. Skinner suggests viewing addiction not in terms of black and white, but rather in terms of stages.

Stage 1. Mild exposure – once or twice a year, no affect on regular life.

Stage 2. Pornography use does not indicate addiction – occasional looking at pornography with increased interest.

Stage 3. Signs of trouble – person looks about once a month, usually tries to avoid, but occasionally urge get so strong that cannot be controlled, and person gives in.

Stage 4. Individual notices increased sexual fantasies, and attempts to control them, which results in stronger withdrawal symptoms.

Stage 5. Pornography impacting day to day living with significant portion of the day spend thinking about pornography.

Stage 6. Pornography dominates most of the day to day lives, affecting work, school, and personal relationships.

Stage 7. Pornography and acting out consumes most of individuals time, leaving him feeling completely out of control.

This "staged" definition of porn addiction is very practical, and it allows individuals to recognize the signs of trouble and begin seeking help prior to arriving to stage 7.

Similar approach could be used with almost all pleasurable behaviors such as drinking coffee, eating, and watching TV, and I believe it provides a simple, but effective definition of addiction.

Act Your Way into a New Kind of Thinking

2010-04-09T10:46:00.000-07:00

Don't try to think your way into a new kind of acting, act your way into a new kind of thinking.

For most of my life I used to look at the things that I did as a consequence of who I was. For example if I got a bad grade in school, I would think, that this was a result of me being a stupid person.

Now I realize it is not who I am that determines what I do; but in opposite, it is what I do, the choices that I make on a daily basis, that determines who I am.

If I choose to eat healthy, if I choose to exercise, if I choose to work my program of recovery - I will be a healthy, sober person.

The word "choose" is not something that addicts are very familiar with. After all if we could choose to not act out, we would. The point is while we are powerless over choosing not to do certain behaviors, we are able to choose to do positive things in our lives. For example we can choose to go to a 12 step meeting or seek counseling. Overtime we can learn to fill up our lives with enough healthy choices, that there will be no room left for our addiction.

The 40 Tips for Life

2010-03-26T18:20:00.000-07:00

1. Take a 10-30 minute walk every day and while you walk, smile. It is the ultimate anti-depressant.

2. Sit in silence for at least 10 minutes each day. Buy a lock if you have to.

3. Buy a TiVo (DVR), tape your late night

4. When you wake up in the morning complete the following statement, "My purpose is to__________ today."

5. Live with the 3 E's - Energy, Enthusiasm, Empathy, and the 3 F's - Faith, Family, Friends.

6. Watch more G movies play more games with friends and read more books than you did in 2006.

7. Make time to practice meditation and prayer. They provide us with daily fuel for our busy lives.

8. Spend more time with people over the age of 70 and under the age of six.

9. Dream more while you are awake.

10. Eat more foods that grow on trees and plants and eat less foods that are manufactured in plants.

11. Drink some green tea and plenty of water. Eat blueberries, seafood, broccoli, almonds & walnuts.

12. Try to make at least three people smile each day.

13. Clear your clutter from your house, your car, your desk, and let new energy into your life.

14. Don't waste your precious energy on gossip, energy vampires, issues of the past, negative thoughts or things you
cannot control. Instead, invest your energy in the positive present moment.

15. Realize that life is a school and you are here to learn, pass all your tests. Problems are simply part of the
curriculum that appear and fade away like algebra class but the lessons you learn will last a lifetime.

16. Eat breakfast like a king, lunch like a prince and dinner like a college kid with a maxed out charge card.

17. Smile and laugh more. It will keep the energy vampires away.

18. Life isn't fair, but it's still good.

19. Life is too shor t to waste time hating anyone.

20. Don't take yourself so seriously. No one else does.

21. You don't have to win every argument. Agree to disagree.

22. Make peace with your past, so it won't mess up the present.

23. Don't compare your life to others'. You have no idea what their journey is all about.

24. Burn the candles, use the nice sheets. Don't save it for a special occasion. Today is special.

25. No one is in charge of your happiness except you.

26. Frame every so-called disaster with these words: "In five years, will this matter?"

27. Forgive everyone for everything.

28. What other people think of you is none of your business.

29. Time heals almost everything. Give time, time.

30. However good or bad a situation is, it will change.

31. Your job won't take care o f you when you are sick. Your friends will. Stay in touch.

32. Get rid of anything that isn't useful, beautiful or joyful.

33. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need.

34. The best is yet to come.

35. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.

36. Do the right thing!

37. Call your family often.

38. Each night before you go to bed complete the following statements: "I am thankful for __________."
"Today I accomplished _________." >

39. Remember that you are too blessed to be stressed.

40. Enjoy the ride. Remember that this is not Disney World and you certainly don't want a fast pass. Make the most of it and enjoy the ride.

Note: The following tips are not from me, they came from a chain email that I received a long time ago. Those, however, are very powerful tips, and I wanted to share them with as many people as possible. If you like it, pass it on as well!

Run For Your Life!

2010-01-25T08:47:00.000-08:00

Recent research from Cambridge University indicates that " running stimulates the brain to grow fresh grey matter and it has a big impact on mental ability".

This was exactly my experience when I was struggling to break out from my addictive cycle. As the research indicates "A few days of running led to the growth of hundreds of thousands of newbrain cells that improved the ability to recall memories withoutconfusing them, a skill that is crucial for learning and othercognitive tasks". I think that learning to recall some of the memories without confusing them from reality was a very crucial part in my recovery.

Additionally "Previous studies have shown that "neurogenesis" is limited in peoplewith depression, but that their symptoms can improve if they exerciseregularly. Some antidepressant drugs work by encouraging the growth ofnew brain cells." This is another statement that completely agrees with my personal experience. Depression is often linked to addictions and I know it was the case for me.

I do not think running alone will be sufficient as the only tool to fight addiction, but I am confident that it is one of the most powerful tools that we have and it would be a good idea to use it regularly in combination with other methods.

Came to Believe that a Power Greater than Ourselves Could Restore Us to Sanity

2010-01-13T23:11:00.001-08:00

1. What does a “Power greater than ourselves” mean to you?

To me a “Power greater than myself” means the principle that governs the universe. I do not have full capacity to understand it, but I can safely conclude from my observations and everything that I know in life that there is a certain method to the madness. This rule, this law gives me confidence that there is an appropriate consequence to every action. And that I need to do good things if I want good things in my life. After joining the program I have also discovered that there were other, more direct ways that I could connect to that higher power. I am guessing since I am part of the universe I had an ability to connect to this higher power, which allows me to use it to guide my day. I have now noticed that when I spend my day connected to my higher power, I feel really good about life. I feel happy and at peace with the world.

2. Why does it say “could” and not “would” restore us to sanity?

Because whether I will be restored to sanity or not remains to be seen, but it is required that I accept that the “higher power” has the capacity – could – restore me to sanity before I can move on with the rest of my recovery.

3. What is your definition of “sanity”?

I am still working on defining that. It is much more than abstaining from my inner circle behaviors. I think sanity is going through life connected to my higher power and living out the higher powers will for me on a daily basis. I think sanity is willingly doing things that are good for me and willingly walking away from things that are bad for me.

4. What do you need from a “higher Power”? What would you like such a power to be in your life?

I would like the higher power to be my life. I want to spend the rest of my life caring out higher powers’ will for me. That is I believe the only way to live my life that will make it worthwhile. That is what I need from a “higher Power”, to be present in my life as a guiding force and taking me to a greater place allowing me to be the best man that I can be.

I've Been Masturbation Free For 1 Year

2009-12-28T09:31:00.000-08:00

I have masturbated compulsively 2-4 times a day since I was 11 years old and through the most of my adult life. Since I was a little child I came to believe that it was just a physical need and that I had no ways of controlling it. I have tried to stop before, but I did not understand my "strong sexual drive" fueled by my choices of daily activities and therefore was not able to control my masturbation.

A year ago I finally had enough as I described in my previous post 7 Steps to Recovery:

That is when I had enough. I realized that I really had to do something differently if I wanted to stop my behaviors. I wrote out a list of all the things that I could do to feed my right wolf.

My list included monitoring my emotions, eating healthy, drinking enough water, getting enough sleep, doing daily cardio exercise, meditation, and Exposure and Response Prevention (ERP) techniques that I’ve learned from the book titled “Kill the Craving”. I think learning ERP techniques and following my list as daily practice was my second major break through.

My approach of feeding the right wolf worked and I was able to stay sober for a month.

It has been a year now that I have stayed free. This is the best thing that ever happened to me!

Leave Tiger Woods Alone

2009-12-05T21:28:00.001-08:00

About a week ago I decided to suggest on my blog that Tiger Woods could be a sex addict. In the past 6 months I’ve been watching recent sex scandals fairly close and did not notice much controversy surrounding any of them.

For one reason or another, Tiger Woods’ case has exploded. There are thousands of websites speculating about Tiger Woods being a sex addict and digging through his dirty laundry.

Everybody acts so shocked about the fact that a role model and an excellent athlete would behave this way. Personally, I am surprised that so many people are shocked.

Do you not see the society that we live in today? Do you not see how sexuality gets shoved down everybody’s throat? We have James Bond, a hero, having sex with multiple women in every move. Almost every other commercial we see on TV shows a half naked women, and it is purposely designed that way because sex sells. Our little teenage celebrities dress in a way that 100 years ago would not been considered an appropriate attire for a prostitute… I can go on forever.

When I was a kid we used to have a male dog, and our neighbors a story above us had two female dogs. My dog spent most of his free time scratching the front door trying to get out, and I couldn’t really blame him. I understood that he had a certain set of instincts that were driving his behavior. Whenever the dog would stay at my grand parents house, he would stay calm and away from the door.

Men are not as primitive as dogs, but our brains do share the same structure. It doesn’t take a scientist to understand that the only difference between us and dogs is a strongly developed pre frontal cortex, a human brain. It is part of our survival mechanism to allow our basic instincts to override our cognitive ability. When we are in danger we simply do not have time for rational thinking. Same principle applies to our sexual behaviors.

A common argument that I hear is that people are able to tell reality from the stuff that they see on TV. While I do believe our conscious brain is able to tell the difference I am not so sure about our subconscious brain.

That is why I am not at all surprised that a man like Tiger Woods could have a hard time staying faithful to his wife. It takes a certain set of skills and understanding of your own sexuality to stay faithful, and our society not only fails to teach those skills, but seems to do everything possible to capitalize on our sexual drive.

There is a growing group of people who come to learn through their own experience the dangers of sexuality, and that it can and often does get out of control. I believe Tiger Woods have just joined that group of people.

So what does our society do? Blame Tiger Woods for everything! How could he? He was such a role model? A professional athlete? A hero? What a disappointment, what a shame!!!

My question is how could he not? Having grown up in a society where sexually provocative behaviors are excepted, allowed, and supported by medical community as healthy norm.

But I think that what ever happened to Tiger Woods is his personal business. He did not break any laws, and I believe this is where society’s concern should end. I suggest we spend more time policing our own lives, and letting Tiger Woods figure out his own.

I wish to Tiger Woods and his family all of the best, and I believe that he will be able to come out of this experience a better man. Until then I suggest we leave Tiger Woods alone.

Porn > Love + Life + Work + Money

2009-11-11T10:42:00.001-08:00

Please take a look at the following statistic provided by Google trends. It outlines search values for different key words over the past 6 years.

I think this statistic speaks for itself, and little can be added.

Any comments?

del.icio.us Tags: Pornography,use,statistics

Getting Sober is Like Learning How to Juggle

2009-11-08T10:51:00.001-08:00

I have read somewhere that there was a brain study that looked at a group of people who where told to learn how to juggle. After a few months of practice all of the people showed increased amount of tissue that connected their left and right brain. After reading this I decided that juggling could be beneficial for my own health, and decided to learn how to juggle. There was also an emotional attachment to this goal, since juggling was yet another thing that my father was able to do, and I couldn’t seem to pick up as a child. I through I didn’t have the skills for it, but I now understand that I simple expecting to learn it after few days of practicing, and since that didn’t happen I simply gave up.

Since I never was able to juggle, I had a pretty open mind towards the whole experience. I decided to just juggle for a few minutes a day, and see what will happen. I did not see a fast improvement. Some days I would seem to have a break through, only to go back next day to find out that I was not nearly close to the level of performance that I had the day before. I knew that If I were to begin judging my success( or lack) of I would probably quickly learn to hate the activity, just like I did when I was a little kid. But I choose to keep an open mind towards it, and take it as it came. After all what did I have to lose? I already didn’t know how to juggle.

Another thing that I noticed myself doing is looking at my success as a momentary event, forgetting all the work that I had to do in order to get to that point. As a result of that, I have made expectations for the progress that I should have been making. Those were not realistic expectations, and I would soon find myself being disappointed with my progress, which also would lead me to not want to have anything to do with juggling. I would quickly switch from a feeling of experiencing progress, to a feeling that “I was just not meant to juggle”.

In any case, I was able to identify and replace those thought patterns. I would strive to not have any expectations towards juggling, and simply do it because it was fun. I still do it, and I enjoy it. Jugging provides me with a fun way to take a break from my school work.

This morning I have noticed a similarity between my journey towards sobriety and learning how to juggle. In my recovery I would quickly forget the amount of work it took me to get to the certain point. I would assume that just because I had a good week I was cured, forgetting all the work I had to do in order to have that good week. I noticed that it was harder to let go of my expectations for my recovery, because, unlike juggling that is relatively irrelevant towards my overall happiness, failure to achieve certain results in my sobriety could cost me everything that I care about in my life.

Just like with juggling, however, having those negative though patterns added an additional stress and decreased my overall performance. And it is OK. Everything is OK. I am a work in progress and always will be. My definition of sobriety keeps moving away from me, just like horizon. But this is good, because it forces me to keep walking in the right direction. As an old saying goes “If you find yourself walking through hell, keep walking”. I am walking, and even though I still stumble and fall sometimes, I get back up and keep walking. And I hope I will keep walking for the rest of my life, to get as far in the right direction as possible. Life is a journey, and I want my life to be the journey towards happiness, purity, and love.

I am a Pornography Addict, Do I have ADD?

2009-11-03T22:08:00.001-08:00

Like many addicts, who were able to break out of their addictive cycle I’ve experienced a tremendous improvement in my life. My personal relationships, my daily commitments, and my self respect all have improved.

Stopping my addiction, however, was only the first of many steps. Shortly after I’ve stopper relying on my addiction to deal with everything that went wrong in my life, I began to notice all kinds of issues rising up to the surface. I now had a lot of free time, so there should have been nothing getting in a way of my success in school, and yet I found myself being unable to concentrate. I tried connecting to others, but found myself feeling shy, and embraced, not knowing what to say. And I began to notice a whole list of discomforts taking place in my life. I began to think that there were some other undealt problems that I was now being aware of. Perhaps all of this was just a consequences of my addiction, but I’ve couldn’t help but notice that a lot of the symptoms that I was experiencing were very similar to the description of ADD. Therefore I approached this issue in my traditional manner - I found one of the best book available on the subject and read it.

The book that I decided to go with this time was Healing ADD (Sponsored Link) by Daniel Amen, partially because the book had great reviews, and partially because I’ve seen some other Dr. Amen works before, and was in favor of his approach and presentation methods. He started out the book explaining that, in his practice he found there were not one but five different types of ADD, based on the different areas of the brain being affected. Than he provided a self guided test that would helped identify if you had ADD, and if yes what kind. Here are some of the items that I’ve scored the highest on:

Easily distracted
Difficulty sustaining attention span
Trouble listening to others
Procrastination
Trouble with time (always late, underestimates time required to complete a task)
Tired, sluggish, and slow moving
Talks excessively
Implosive in words and actions (doesn’t think it through)
Interrupts others
Worries excessively
Strong tendency to get locked into negative thoughts
Tendency towards compulsive behaviour
Needs to things be done in a certain way, or gets really upset
Misinterprets comments as negative when they are not
Has a history of head injury
Has low energy
Socially Isolated
Frequent feelings of hopelessness, helplessness, or excessive guilt
Chronic low self esteem
Has periods of increased talkativeness
Periods of increased impulsivity

As a result of this test my dominant ADD type was inattentive ADD, which is different from standard ADHD, and does not include the hyperactivity part.

Dr. Amen goes on to explain various types of ADD in depth by providing brain scans of actual patients, as well as sharing their stories. He also recommends professional diagnosis and medical treatment in combination with other tools used to minimize the impact of ADD on person's life. He makes an argument that any form of self medication, even by the use of legal stimulants like coffee and tobacco, is much more damaging to the brain than the prescribed medication. Yet, like many people, I am not exactly ready to start popping pills even if I were to get officially diagnosed with ADD.

This thought brought me to a new conclusion, I don’t really need to get diagnosed with ADD to get the help that I need. Since the only difference that psychiatrist can provide is medication, and I am not interested in medication, there is no need in the official diagnoses. But since I do have many of the described symptoms, it is logical to assume that trying all the other, “non-intrusive” approaches that are used by ADD patients could also improve my life. Therefore I decided to concentrate only on the “organic” solution to my “ADDish” problems.

Dr.Amen identifies 3 areas of support that need to be worked on to improve lives of ADD patients: Biological, Psychological, and Social.

Biological:

Eliminate Anything Toxic – i.e. drugs, caffeine, nicotine
Protect your head from injuries ( makes ADD worse)
Dietary Intervention - Reduce simple carbs, high protein high vegetable diet (Note: There are different dietary recommendations for each time of ADD provided in the book.)
Intense Aerobic Exercise
Reduce exposure to any form of Video and Computer Games
Multivitamins (Note: Once again author only suggest it in combination with medication prescribed by professional)
Sleep Strategies

Psychological

Correcting Automatic Negative Thoughts (ANT’s)
Breaking up Negative Believe Patterns
Focused Breathing – the only subconscious bodily function that we can control consciously
Self Hypnosis

Social

Dr. Amen provide numerous resources for people with ADD in his book, I believe that I am able to receive similar support from my 12 steps group.

ANT’s here is the list of the Automatic Negative Thoughts that ADD patients should be aware of:

“All or nothing” thinking -. If I get C on this test I am the worst student ever
“Always” thinking – She is always yelling at me
Focusing on the negative – Your thoughts only see bad and ignore any good
Fortune-telling – Other people WILL laugh at me or think I am stupid
Mind reading – Those people are mad at me. They don’t like me.
Thinking with your feelings – I feel that I am stupid, therefore I am stupid
Guilt Beating – I have to do homework, I must never lie. Whenever we hear must or have to we automatically don’t want to do it
Labelling – Jerk, nerd, spoiled brat
Blame others – It wasn’t my fault, how was I supposed to know

After reading this book, I am even more suspicious that even though many people suffer from many different things and get many different diagnoses, at the end there is a one general way of life that can help majority of the people. Therefore, even though I don’t think that I have ADD, healthy lifestyle, and healthy choices will help me to do my personal best.

My 7 Myths about Male Sexuality

2009-10-11T14:30:00.001-07:00

My story began a long time ago when I was just a little kid with an early exposure to pornography and other forms of sexuality. It was uncommon in my culture to talk about sex with children, and to be honest, I think my parents themselves had very little idea about how human sexuality was designed to work.

As a result of that, I was left on my own to figure out my sexuality. I used to look at what other people did in an attempt to understand out what was going on inside me.

This was not a healthy approach, especially since at the time I was witnessing the divorce of my parents, as well as my father's struggle trying to figure out what kind of man he really wanted to be. I would see his personality constantly changing from a good loving father, to a horny selfish person. I could tell he was trying to do his best, but I could also tell that he was not succeeding. Eventually, my parents got a divorce, and I was dedicated to never turn out to be like my father.

Unfortunately, I used some of the false conclusions that I've drawn from childhood in attempt to lay out a framework for living a healthy lifestyle. Very soon this approach got me into a big trouble, but it took me year to cut through the chase and figure out some of the false beliefs that have kept me trapped.

I do not want to impose my views onto anybody, if you seem to disagree I ask you to ignore this post. My only goal is to help others learn from my mistakes instead of making their own.

Here are seven myths about male sexuality that have kept me trapped through the years, as well as some of the truth statements that I've used to replace them.

Myth #1. Uncontrolled erection is a sign that I have an animal inside of me – I think an erection was one of my earliest sexual experiences. Nobody told me that this supposed to happen, and when I began to feel my earliest erections I really wanted to make them go away. I tried to use my will power to make it stop, but couldn't get it to work. Eventually, my erections began to serve as an indicator that there was a part of me – my sexuality - that was stronger that my willpower and that there was no way for me to control it.

The truth is that erections are not bad at all; they are one of the greatest gifts of life. They are signs that I take my love towards another woman, and use this power to create another life. They are signs that I can have a family of my own. This truly is beautiful and wonderful gift, and I am thankful for.

Myth #2. Every man has secret sexual desires that cause them to cheat on their wives; they just don't talk to anyone about it. All men are born this way.

The truth is that all men do have sexual desires. This is part of the same great gift that I talked about in the first myth. However, this does not mean that men have to cheat and that all men will cheat. Many men do, but many men do not. It is my life, and I was given a power to make the choices of what I want to do with my life. I can choose to disperse my sexuality on thousands of women, or I can choose to save it for the special woman in my life. The choice is always mine and mine only.

Myth #3. If somebody knew about my dirty secrets they would have lost all of the respect for me.

The truth is that sharing my experience with others is the only way for me to be whole again. For most of my life I have thought that I could not be happy if I tell somebody about my secrets. Now I realize that the only way for me to be happy is through sharing my experience with others. There are plenty of supportive and understanding people out there, who have had similar experiences to mine, and who would not judge me and will support me on my journey towards become the best man that I can be.

Myth #4. Pornography is a safe and healthy way to explore my sexuality; it is just a tool that I can use to keep my animal instincts at bay.

The truth is that pornography is the worst way to explore my sexuality. Through intensive pornography use of many years, I completely redefined my definition of sexuality, and what I considered to be acceptable. I went from looking at beautiful ladies when I was a teenager, dreaming of one day meeting my true love, to looking at hardcore pornography. Eventually this no longer was enough for me, so I kept on looking at harder and harder stuff. Pornography acting similar to drugs, was taping in directly into the pleasure centres of my brain. That is why I was able to spend hours watching pornography, while it felt like I could not concentrate on any other tasks for longer than 5-10 minutes.

Myth #5. Pornography is the only thing I have to cope with life, without it I have nothing.

The truth is that pornography was the only response that I've learned for coping with the stresses of life, but it is not the only response available to me. I am learning to developed healthy outlook on life, proper time management skills, meditation, and other techniques that would allow me to go through life without having to rely on pornography.

Myth #6.I don't know if I really want to quit, maybe it is OK to look.

The truth is that there is so much more to life then pornography. I only get one chance on this planet, and while it might have felt that pornography was the only thing that I truly enjoyed, in actuality it simple kept me trapped. When I look back, all I can see are years of my life that were thrown away. By no longer allowing pornography to dominate my life, I am able to follow my dreams.

Myth #7. This is not my fault that I turned out this way; it is a result of what others have done to me.

The truth is that I do not have control over what other people do in my life, but I always have control over how I choose to react to it. I accept full responsibility for everything that takes place in my life.

Treating Pornography Addiction - Summary

2009-10-08T23:44:00.001-07:00

The following is a summary of “Treating Pornography Addiction, The Essential Tools For Recovery” by Dr. Kevin B. Skinner.

Chapter 1 – The Creation of Pornography Addiction

Starts at young age through early exposure and early sexual experience
Controlling or uninvolved parents
Loneliness and Isolation
Learning form unhealthy relationship model (when parents don’t get along)

Chapter 2 - Understanding Levels of Pornography Addiction

Non Clinical Definition of an Addiction
- Failure to resist impulses to use
- Increasing time/ frequency of use
- Ongoing and unsuccessful efforts to stop
- Feeling pre occupied prior to use
- Neglecting obligations
- Continuing to use, Ignoring consequences
- Tolerance build-up - need to see harder stuff, for longer periods of time
- Purposely cancelling other activities, to spend time viewing pornography
- Withdrawal symptoms when trying to stop
  - Dizziness
  - Body aches
  - Headache
  - Sleeplessness
  - Restlessness
  - Anxiety
  - Mood swings
  - Depression
7 Levels of Addiction
- Don’t think if either addicted or not, think how much or how little person is addicted, i.e. following levels:
  1. Mild exposure – once or twice a year, no affect on regular life
  2. Pornography use does not indicate addiction – occasional looking at pornography with increased interest
  3. Signs of trouble – person looks about once a month, usually tries to avoid, but occasionally urge get so strong that cannot be controlled, and person gives in
  4. Individual notices increased sexual fantasies, and attempts to control them, which results in stronger withdrawal symptoms
  5. Pornography impacting day to day living with significant portion of the day spend thinking about pornography
  6. Pornography dominates most of the day to day lives, affecting work, school, and personal relationships
  7. Pornography and acting out consumes most of individuals time, leaving him feeling completely out of control
Assessing the Consequences
- Emotional – Mood swings, depression, anger, anxiety etc
- Relationships/Family/Social Life – Spouse, Children, Family, Friends, Co-Workers
- Spiritual – Feeling of being lost, wasting life, missing a purpose
- Financial – Wasting money, failing to earn, loosing jobs
- Work or School – decrease in performance, feeling of dissatisfaction, life being out of balance
- Withdrawal symptoms
- Sexuality – decrease sex drive, inability to maintain healthy intimacy

Chapter 3 – Why pornography is addictive and how to deactivate addictive behaviour

Viewing pornography = brain produces feel good chemicals
Developing of Addiction Cycle

Vulnerable time – Home alone, tired, stressed out, lonely
Stimulus(Trigger) – Seeing/Sensing something sexual
Emotion – Curiosity, Excitement
Thought – I wonder, What If, Why Not?
Chemical Release – Body and Mind begins to change
Body Language – Heart Rate goes up, Dilated eyes, Tight Muscles
Second Thought, The Battle – I really shouldn’t , but it would feel so good.
Hypothesis/Believe – I wonder if it will ever go away? I can’t help it, so why try?
Response - Most likely giving in
Remorse – What have I done?

Deactivating the Cycle

Learn to recognize the venerable time, and avoid anything that could be a trigger (i.e. Don’t get on computer when tired and home alone)
Catch yourself in the beginning of the cycle in Stimulus-Emotion-Though part, before the chemical reaction begins. Do something radically different, get out of the house(exercise, go to the store, go see a friend).

Developing a Game Plan

Write down the behaviours you want to change
Write down the reaction sequence to the behaviour you want to change
Write down the specific changes you will make in each of the early stages of the cycle (Changing your thoughts and actions)
Keep revising game plane after each reaction sequence runs to determent if it was effective or not.

Chapter 4 – Power of believes

Focus on the root of the problem – identify unhealthy believes

I am alone and nobody understands me
Nobody has a problem like me
I deserve what I get since I am not strong enough to quit
I am a bad person
Nobody will want me

Challenging unhealthy believes

Identify Believe (Not as easy as its sounds, dig deep, try to verbalize what you are thinking) – i.e. One more time won’t hurt
Identify Reality – i.e. I’ve been saying this for year, one more time will hurt, and it will hurt bad.

Realize that you have ability to find a solution inside of you

Learn more about addiction
Develop a game plan
Reach out to others for help
Change lifestyle

Use your own values to change – Realize what is really important to you in your life, and use this to help you change. I.e. My dreams of having a wife and a child will come true.
Think progress and not results – Change is gradual process. Concentrate on consistency and not on perfection. Relapses will most likely happen. Learn from it, adjust your game plan and move on. Look back to judge the progress that you’ve made.

Chapter 5 – The beginning steps to change for good

Every change involves six stages

Pre-contemplation
Contemplation
Preparation
Taking Action
Relapse Prevention

Pre-contemplation – Addiction has no effect on person’s life

Addict does not think that his behaviours present problem,
Addict does not realize how hard it would be to stop
Our society doesn’t help
Addict thinks his behaviour is normal.
Addict cannot stay in pre-contemplation stage for ever

Contemplation – Addiction begins to have a noticeable effect on addicts life

Addict realizes that change is needed.
Fear

Being discovered by a spouse
Loosing a Job
Fear of God
Social Embarrassment
Breaking the Law

Duty
Love

Chapter 6 – Preparing to change for good

Defining Sobriety – Distinguishing healthy sexual behaviours (which are completely acceptable ) from unhealthy ones.
Defining Boundaries

i.e. Don’t get online when alone
i.e. Don’t watch TV alone after 11pm
i.e. Don’t drive down streets that have adult material
Improve your boundaries as you learn more about yourself

Establishing Goals

Short term – I will fight this one day at the time, Only use computer for specific purpose
Mid-range – Learn as much as I can about addiction. Become an expert on my relapse patters. Find new relationships to avoid social isolation.
Long term – Remain porn free for 180 days. Develop a new skill. Help others with similar problem. Develop a healthy intimate relationship with a spouse.

Identifying your support team – Friends, Family, Church, Support Groups
Performing fire drills – ask your support person to go through a scenario where you play out what could happen during your addictive cycle. Practice this often so when the addictive cycle takes place, you have a new response to implement.

Chapter 7 – Taking action and maintenance, the behaviours to change for good

Taking Action

Awareness

Recognize what is happening to you
Identify the source
Predict the outcome
Sticking to Game plan

Things to be aware of

Emotions
Self-Image
Fantasizing
Thoughts

Maintenance – Follows successful action stage

Associated with feeling confident and empowered by early accomplishment
Overcoming addiction is a marathon and not a race
Realize that danger of relapse is still a reality
Catch relapses quickly before old habits sink it

Chapter 8 – The profile of those most likely to relapse

Keeping Secrets – avoided by:

Accountability partner
Practice staying honest

Limited Relationship connection – avoided by:

Increase your compassion for others
Develop positive communication skills
Learn to share emotions
Practice

Chronic Conflict with Others – avoided by:

Learn to look for solutions, and not for problems
Try to see things from other persons perspective
Develop relationships with positive people

Living for intense experiences ( Drugs, Gambling, Sex, Risky Sports, Overeating) – avoided by:

Exercise
Spirituality
Learning new skills
Serving others
Developing healthy relations

Leaving treatment prematurely – avoided by:

Read books
Attend groups
Keep in touch with counsellor
Stay close to accountability partner

Inadequate preparation – questions to determent if you are ready

Did you learn how to break isolation?
Can you survive withdrawal?
Have you learned how to deal with negative emotions?
Did you review your activation sequence?
Did you develop a solid plan?
Do you have an accountability partner?

Ignoring emotional issues

Things to watch out for

Curiosity
Need for excitement
Stress
Anger
Boredom
Loneliness
Worry
Fear
Irritation

Steps to deal with emotions

Do not ignore your emotions
Evaluate your thoughts and feelings
Recognize underlying emotion
Understanding will bring relieve
Try to understand other peoples emotions

Chapter 9 – Relapse prevention, a tool to use in recovery

Journaling is not writing your life story. It is an invaluable tool for recovery. It is used to monitor progress, work through the issues, identify trends, and make appropriate changes. Here are a few guidelines to follow:

Journal needs to be private. You need to be able to write down anything you want, and not be afraid that others might read it.
You should be as honest as you possibly can
You should discuss your emotions (happy, sad, tired)
Don’t stop to edit, write everything as is. Let it all out.
At the end of days entry, review what you have learned and summarize the result
Identify behaviours that you want to change as a result of your writing
As times goes on, go back and review how you are progressing and write down achievements that you have made.

Chapter 10 – Living the lifestyle that leads to recovery

Commitment to integrity

No more secrets
Being emotionally honest
Being the same in public as you are in private
Taking a full responsibility for everything that takes place in your life

Valuing self and showing compassion for others

All people, including self, are of an infinite worth
Behaviours are mostly learned and linked to inner believes
Bad behaviours are almost always symptoms of some deeper problems

Commitment to growth

Job promotion
Increased family interaction
Enrolment in social events
Improving grades
Exercising

Commitment to trusting yourself
Commitment to understanding your own emotions
Spirituality
The joy of living the new lifestyle

May Gob bless you in your journey!

Note: This summary is not designed to replace the actual reading, but rather to provide readers with an easy way to review and retain the content. If you have not read the book yet, you can always purchase a copy here.

A Slip Up in Recovery – My View

2009-09-29T10:27:00.001-07:00

I am a member of Daily Strength online forum that helps people with various health issues, and I love this site. One of the most active members on my Sex and Pornography Addiction support groups has asked a question about what different people considered to be a slip up in recovery. It is a really good question, and I wanted to share my response, especially since in the process of responding I have learned something new about my own recovery. So here it is:

I actually think this is a sketchy subject to discuss, even though I personally have thought about it a lot. In my 12 step work I’ve met many men with completely different definitions of Sex Addiction and Sobriety. (I go to Sex Addicts Anonymous meetings where you are allowed to define your own sobriety). Sometimes I feel like some of these men are cheating themselves, but choose to think that they are just growing. It was certainly this way for me. Some of the stuff that I considered to be sobriety in the beginning of my recovery, I would not consider to be sobriety now. That being said, I would not be able to get this far in my recovery if I have not taking those “baby steps” (which felt like huge jumps to me at the time).

I have shared my current definition of sobriety somewhere else on my blog, and certainly don’t want to make a secret out of it, but I wanted to say something else in this post. For me, there is simple no right and wrong way to achieve sobriety. Sobriety, in my opinion, is an ever evolving term. Like a horizon, it moves away from me as I keep on walking towards it. It might sound discouraging, but it is not, because at any time all I have to do is turn around and look back, to see just how far I've come.

In a way this reminds me of a common argument that I’ve heard while I was in the armed forces – which branch of service is better? To me this never made sense. For me there were simply those who chose to serve their country and those who didn’t. I think this is the same way with sobriety. There are those who choose to walk towards the light in their lives, and those who don’t. We all have this little voice inside of us that will tell us if we are going in the right direction or not. I personally think that this voice is the voice of God (the way that I understand God) but I don’t want to push my beliefs onto anybody. Some people choose to think of it as intuition, others as activity of our prefrontal cortex, but regardless of what we choose to believe, we all know it is there.

So to me the important part is to listen to your inner voice, and to use it as a compass on your way to recovery. Sobriety, like the life itself, is a journey and not a destination. We all have heard this saying before, but very few take time to really think about it.

The sobriety date and the definition of sobriety are just tools that I used to monitor my progress. My goal is not to remain sober for x number of days, but rather to go through each day learning to be my personal best. I do keep track of my sobriety, but I don’t make it the goal in itself. I believe the amount of sobriety is just a consequence of my daily choices and actions. If I keep making the right choices the sobriety will come.

This is ironic because just a few days ago I had a small incident that I was not sure if I should consider a slip up. I was online, and instead of doing my homework like I intended to, or going to sleep since I felt really tiered, I choose to go on some social media sites, that used to be my stepping stone into getting in trouble. I only spent may be 10 minutes on the site, and all I did was to look through some of the most popular articles on this site. But even though this sounds innocent, in the back of my mind I felt like I lost control. The thing is, this site provides a small image preview of what the article is about, and I felt myself hoping that I would sneak a peek at something “exciting” (code word for something I can lust over). On that day I just reached my three weeks of sobriety, and really didn’t want to give that up. I was actually thinking to make a post out of this on Daily Strength, asking if I should consider it a slip up, but I never got around to do it.(I really didn’t want to give it up :)

Writing this response, however, made me realize that I was far enough in my journey to sobriety to consider this a slip up, and to feel OK about it. I have learned something from this experience, I keep on making progress, and that is all that matters. X number of days of sobriety (my current goal is 30) will happen on its own.

P.S. I feel that I must give credit for some of the things that I’ve said to where it rightfully belongs; that is to Thomas M. Sterner the author of “The Practicing Mind: Bringing Discipline and Focus Into Your Life” ,

Also special thanks to the asker of this question for raising this issue. I feel that God has spoken to me through you.

My 7 Steps to Recovery From Pornography Addiction

2009-09-20T20:00:00.001-07:00

By the time I realized that I had a serious problem with pornography I was spending around 40 hours a week, an equivalent of a full time job, watching porn. My personal relationship was almost ruined, and I was a psychological mess.

My first major breakthrough happened because my girlfriend kept on complaining that something was different about me. I remember that I used to get angry with her, thinking that she didn’t realize how good she had it. I would think that all men cheated, and I was just watching porn.

As I progressed farther into my addiction, I couldn’t help but notice a series of negative events that began to take place in my life. I was struggling to keep up with school, I was always late and tired, I was always down, and it felt like the only true thing that I enjoyed in life was pornography. When I watched it I was happy… Everyday life would just annoy me with its inconveniences… I knew that I wanted to have a good job and a family, but getting there was just too hard.

One day I was watching pornography in my car, when I realized that I was late for my test. I closed my laptop and ran off. When I came back I found my car broken into, and my laptop gone. That evening my friend and I went to a strip club to help me feel better. My friend soon got tired and wanted to go home, but I couldn't get myself to walk away. Observing the consequences of my actions and my inability to walk away, forced me to suspect that may be there was something was wrong with me after all.

I do not remember how I came to find out about the work of Dr. Carness, but I remember that I went to my school library trying to check out a book by Dr. Carness called, “Out of the shadows”(Sponsored Link). The book was already checked out, and I got another book by the same author titled, “Don’t Call It Love”(Sponsored Link). I remember reading this book, and realizing that I could connect with almost every story.

I reviewed all of the things that I did as a teenager. How I choose to cope with my daily struggles, and that sex and pornography were the only places where I could find comfort. After reading this book, I knew I had a problem. Shortly after confessed my discovery to my girlfriend. She was terrified, but decided to stay with me and to support me through my recovery. This was my first major breakthrough.

Just a few years before I discovered that I had sex addiction I was able to quit smoking. I've quit cold turkey and decided to use the same approach once again. I tried using my will power for a while, and the longest period of sobriety I was able to achieve was 2 weeks. After that I would slip every time, tell myself that I did it anyway might as well enjoy it, and indulge in long periods of acting out.

I finally had enough after about a year of trying and failing. I remember my last two slip ups before my second major breakthrough. By then I was seeing a therapist and had an internet filter installed on my laptop. The filter did little to stop my behaviors since I knew the password, and would turn it off when I wanted to act out. One night, after 3-4 hour of pornography watching I went to relieve myself, saw my red face in the mirror, and began to cry saying that I was sorry… I cried for a while, and then went to watch more porn to make myself feel better. I repeated this cycle two more times before I was able to cry myself to sleep.

Right around that time, I friend of mine sent me a documentary that concluded with a story that an old Cherokee told to his grand son.

One evening an old Cherokee told his grandson about a battle that goes on inside all people. He said, “My son, the battle is between two 'wolves' inside us all.

“One is Evil. It is anger, envy, jealousy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority, and ego.”

“The other is Good. It is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion and faith.”

The grandson thought about it for a minute and then asked his grandfather, “Which wolf wins?”

The old Cherokee simply replied, “The one you feed.”

About two days after this I was spending a weekend at my mother’s house, where I’ve spent another 5-6 hours watching pornography, using my sister's laptop, while my grandmother was next door. That is when I finally had enough. I realized that I really had to do something differently if I wanted to stop my behaviors. I wrote out a list of all the things that I could do to feed my right wolf.

My list included monitoring my emotions, eating healthy, drinking enough water, getting enough sleep, doing daily cardio exercise, meditation, and Exposure and Response Prevention (ERP) techniques that I’ve learned from the book titled “Kill the Craving”(Sponsored Link). I think learning ERP techniques and making the daily practice of my preventive measures was my second major breakthrough.

Note: Since then I have shared my approach of feeding the right wolf with many others, and received a very positive response. You can view a detailed description of this approach as well as download free handout material at the following post "ERP-Break Out of your Addictive Cycle".

My approach of feeding the right wolf worked and I was able to stay sober for a month. I began noticing that I was getting sloppy on my daily practices and that I needed more of a professional help. After some research I signed up for Candeo Can program. I was in Candeo Can program for about 4 months and by that time I was able to sustain from pornography viewing for close to 5 months.

The problem, however, nested in the fact that I slowly stopped relying on healthy outlets to deal me with my daily problems. I thought that as long as I was not viewing pornography my other problems would take care of themselves, which was not the case. Soon I found myself spending all of my free time on non-sex related websites, and watching TV. Essentially I was using these media for the same purposes that I’ve used pornography before - to escape reality. Towards the end of the fourth month I began to watch a lot of rated R horror movies, because I knew I was very likely to find some nudity there, and the horror part gave me an additional jolt.

Then summer came around and I began to notice a lot of attractive women on the street. I knew that lusting after women was bad, but I used to tell to myself that it was OK to "admire their beauty". Soon my old spiral begin to unwrap and I noticed myself slipping further and further back into my addiction.

At the same time all other areas of my life began to fall apart as well. I found myself in debt, I began to argue more with my girlfriend, and my school work was falling behind. I was so mad at Candeo Can program. They’ve “told me” that if I were to stop watching pornography my life would be back in order, I did stop, but my life was still a mess. I thought they lied to me, and I felt cheated out. (To be fair to Candeo Can program, they did warn me about all those things that were taking place, and I failed to listen to their advice). I felt powerless and began reading twelve step literature which I consider to be my third breakthrough.

The hardest part of my third breakthrough was coming clean to my girlfriend. I knew how much pain it would cause her, and I couldn’t bring myself to do it. But I also couldn’t think of any other way. I wasn’t watching pornography, but one day I mad a leap from watching a horror movie with nudity, to finding a way around filter and googling a video that I knew would have explicit nudity in it.

After the nudity event, however, I could no longer lie to myself that I was sober, and I came clean to my girlfriend. She was crushed. She thought we were doing so well, she was so happy with the progress that she thought I was making, and all of the sadden it all was scratched. Her world was turned upside down, and I was again to blame for it. This night I took my first of the twelve steps (of sex addicts anonymous) and admitted that I was powerless over my addiction. This happened 3 month ago. And it was my fourth breakthrough.

Since then I went back to the drawing board, and had to re-think all the things that worked and did not work for me. I finally got myself to read the rest of the books on the pornography addiction that I’ve purchased a long time ago. I’ve learned a lot of new stuff from them, and gained some very good perspectives.

I started attending two 12 steps meeting on a regular basis. I now have friends and a lot of support in my recovery. I also learned a great value of proper journaling and how it can be beneficial to my recovery. Candeo Can taught me to journal, but I wasn’t doing it properly, “Treating Pornography Addiction” (Sponsored Link) gets the credit for that.

Through proper journaling I was able to identify most of the triggers and internal lies that I was tell myself through my life. Until today I am journaling daily and keep finding new stuff that have been pre programmed into my head. I work on replacing those lies with the positive things that I do want in my life and believe in from the bottom of my heart. Journaling and attending 12 step groups was my fifth breakthrough.

Even though I was doing well, there was one thing that kept on bothering me that I did not yet have an answer to. I kept feeling that emptiness inside me, that I did not know how to fill.

I remember when I was a sophomore in high school we had an alcoholic come to give us a speech about the dangers of alcohol. She went on to say that all her life she felt shyness, unhappiness, and emptiness inside, and finally found something that could fill it - alcohol. She told us, that it was a mistake and that we shouldn’t use alcohol to fix our problems, and that it was not a solution. But she never told us what the solution was. Since then I’ve been struggling with this question- “What CAN I use to fill this emptiness inside of me?”, and couldn’t find an answer.

Having had a few alcoholics in my family, I knew that alcohol and drugs was not the solution. That is why, I believe, I turned to sex and pornography instead. I believed it was a healthy way out. It was a way out alright, but I now know that it was far from healthy.

About a month ago I accidentally bought a book on Amazon that was about 115 pages long and titled “The Practicing Mind”(Sponsored Link), I have no memory of making that decision, but it must have been due to all of the positive reviews that this book got. For some reason this simple book, has answered the big question, that I couldn’t find the answer too in other hundreds of self help books that I’ve read throughout my life. The answer was very simple, but It would probably require a separate post. For now I will say that my problems mainly came from me being focused on results and not on the process. The approach of always seeking more and more results created a feeling of emptiness and constant dissatisfaction. This was my sixth breakthrough.

Even with all this new gained knowledge, I still found myself falling back into all habits. I would keep on tricking myself into believing that I could “accidentally” see something exciting, and it would be OK because after all it was an “accident”. I would also tell myself that my girlfriend would never know, because these were just innocent websites, that I used for “almost” innocent purposes.

This line of thinking was happening at the subconscious level, and I was able to identify it and bring it to the surface through journaling. This knowledge helped me to take a final step that I knew I needed to take a long time ago – use of accountability software.

I taught my girlfriend how to check my web history inside the filter on my computer, and she goes through it every week now, to help me stay honest. I’ve also installed the free version of X3Watch, but I like the effect of accountability software so much, that I choose to upgrade to a paid and much better version provided by Covenant Eyes (Sponsored Link, first 30 days free).

This was my seventh and final breakthrough so far. I am sure I will have more to come. But in two days I will be completely and honestly sober for five weeks, and I am very thankful for it. It is important for me to remember that the amount of time I stay sober is just a number, a simple by-product of the PROCESS of being sober that I enjoy so much - one moment at a time.

Recommended Recovery Resources

2009-09-06T15:23:00.000-07:00

Recommended Reading


	Out of the Shadows: Understanding Sexual Addiction by Patrick Carnes This is THE book by Dr. Carnes on sex addiction. If you are new to the subject, get this book first. Many public libraries now carry a copy.
	Treating Pornography Addiction: The Essential Tools for Recovery This book is the number one search result on Amazon.com for pornography addiction, and there is a good reason for it. It was not made to teach people more about the pornography addiction; instead it provides simple steps and tools that can be followed from the beginning of your recover to the end. This is truly is a great and simple book
	The Drug of the New Millennium - The Brain Science Behind Internet Pornography Use by Mark B. Kastleman Unlike other books listed here, this book takes a deeper look into the neurological processes that take place in the brain of a porn addict. The material from that book was quoted in one of my other posts titled Pornography - The Visual Drug and you can take a look at it, if you would like more information.
	Kill the Craving: How to Control the Impulse to Use Drugs and Alcohol by Joseph Santoro This book was design with alcohol and drug addicts in mind, but it provided me with a great tool to break out of my obsessive compulsive cycle. Word of warning, if you are going to use the techniques outlined in the book to treat internet or pornography addiction make sure to visualize your trigger instead of looking at the actual image like the book suggests.
	The Now Habit: A Strategic Program for Overcoming Procrastination and Enjoying Guilt-Free Play by Dr. Neil Fiore I personally have found that struggling with procrastination was one of the major reasons that I felt down and depressed. It seemed that I just couldn't get myself to do anything, and would use any means to escape reality and feelings of guilt and responsibility that came with it. This book helped me a lot, and I am still going back to it every day to learn more about some of the reasons why I would procrastinate, and I manage to learn something new every time.

Audiobooks


	Joe and Charlie Big Book study - Recorded in 1998 Joe and Charlie are two Alcoholics who have been sober for over 30 years. It also appears that their overall lives have been in order. Joe and Charlie are strong believers in the 12 steps program. Joe and Charlie are funny, and they were able to get sober and stay sober, and helped hundreds of others do the same. They do not have the solution to all problems, but it is an interesting audiobook nevertheless. And it is free.
	The Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous Once again, this is classic of every addict. There are numerous 12 steps groups exist for almost any addiction. I couldn't get myself to read the book at first but I read it at a later time. But listening to a free audiobook seemed like a better option.

Online Support Groups

Recovery Nation
This is an online group designed to help people struggling with sex, love, and pornography addictions. It is a free resource.

Candeo Can Recovery Program
This is a paid online training program co-authored by Mark Kastleman and two other PH.D's in psychology. They do offer a lot of free resources on their website including podcasts and a free mini course.

Daily Strength
This is a great website that has a support group for literally every known and unknown problem related to the both mental and physical healthcare. It is a great place to get started, get anonymous advice and support, and stay current on the most recent issues.

Non 12 Steps Groups

Smart Recovery
S.M.A.R.T. stands for Smart Management and Recovery Training, and it uses cognitive based approach to change human behaviors.

Software

K9 Web Protection
This website offers a free fully featured web filter. You can set it up to block certain sites based on keywords or category, it records every website that you've visited, and is a great tool to stay honest in the confidential world of the internet. It is better to have somebody password protect it for you, so you will not be able to change the settings when tempted.

Covenant Eyes
This website offers both accountability software and filter. I only use acountability software, because I needed to install it on my work computer. I enjoy relative freedom that my work requires, while at the same time I know I can stay accountable for my actions. First 30 days are free, and it is only $7.99 per month after that.

5 Easy Steps to Help You Fall Asleep

2009-08-31T23:35:00.001-07:00

For the longest time I had a problem falling asleep. I would stay up until 2-3-4 in the morning, claiming that I just wasn't sleepy. After doing some research in that area I realized that I wasn't sleepy because I did some things that would wake me up. Now I regularly go to bed before midnight and have no problem falling asleep.

Here are some of the things that you can do to help you fall asleep.

1. Stop eating 10-12 hours before the time when you usually get up, and eat a healthy breakfast as soon as you can.

Recent study suggests that humans have two kinds of biological clocks. One is due to the light cycle, and another one, less know, due to the food intake cycle. Basically the way it works is that your body looks at the longest period of time that you go without food, and determents it to be the night. It also looks at the time when you break your fast, and determents it to be the time when the food becomes available - morning. Then your body adjusts your natural sleeping pattern to make sure that you sleep during the "night" and wake up in the "morning". At the same time eating something late at night stimulates your body to produce energy and it wakes you up. By not eating after 9pm and eating a healthy breakfast in the morning you will greatly increase your chances of getting a good night sleep.

2. Finish all stimulating activities at least 30 minutes before you go to bed.

This means turn off TV, Computer and any bright lights. All of the these are stimulating to your brain, and will keep you awake for a while. But you knew that already.

3. Journal to de-clutter your brain.

Since your TV is off and you now have extra 30 minutes, it is a good idea to spend this time clearing up your mind. You will be surprised to find out how much calmer you will fill after putting all of your thoughts out on paper. You can also take this opportunity to make a plan for the activities that you want to accomplish tomorrow, giving yourself a head start.

4. Do breathing exercises right before you lay down to go to sleep.

Breathing is the only subconscious function of our organism that we can consciously control. (Think about it, we cannot control our blood pressure, temperature, or pulse rate, but we can control our breathing). Therefore the breathing exercises are the gateway to our subconscious mind. Recommended breathing technique for falling asleep is taking deep abdominal breathes for about a minute or two. This can be accomplished by placing one hand on your belly and another one on your chest. Try to inflate and deflate your stomach as much as possible while keeping your chest still. Repeat this five to ten times and you should begin to feel more relaxed.

5. Visualize until you fall asleep.

Close your eyes, after you lay down, and try to visualized a happy and relaxing place. You can imagine yourself on board of a ship looking over the ocean, or laying in the grass looking at the sky. Strive to see as many details as possible. The colours, what other people are wearing, what is happening around you. If you have difficulties visualizing a complex event, try to visualize a single colour instead. Choose a mellow colour like blue or white, instead of stimulating colours like red or bright yellow. Some people report that they are able to see multiple collared dots "flying" through their line of sight after they close their eyes. If you share a similar experience you can substitute visualizing with observe these dots.

That is it. As a last note I want to remind you to make sure that your place of rest is comfortable and well ventilated.

I wish you to sleep well!