When I was a Christian I often heard people say that Christianity is a inclusive religion. I guess what they meant by that is that anyone can become a Christian. You don’t have to be born into Christianity or undergo a rigorous training program before you can call yourself Christian.

But that’s not entirely true.

Allah (which actually is just Arabic for “God”) is exactly how He is presented in the Qur’an and the ahadith (the teachings of Mohammad). He shares many characteristics with the Jewish and the Christian “Gods.”  (Islam is the only one of the three religions that claims that they all worship the same God.) He is just, merciful, compassionate, loving, forgiving and eternal, the source of all things and Lord of the universe. But to have a relationship with Him, you don’t have to believe a lot of other things, like:

• God is made up of three parts, or persons, otherwise known as the Trinity, or the Triune God.
• One of those parts is Jesus, who is not only God, but was also a human being for 33 years out of his eternal existence.
• However,  Jesus is not just one of the persons of the Trinity. He is also the son of one of the other persons (the Father).
• As a man, Jesus had to die as a sacrifice for the sins of all mankind.
• He also had to be raised from the dead to show his victory over death.
• Even though Jesus died for all mankind, the only way to reap the benefits of that sacrifice is to believe all of the above.

When a prospective Christian asks how all of this works, he or she is told to take a leap of faith. Or that this is a mystery we are not meant to understand.

I’m sorry, but that sounds like a cop-out to me. Of course God is more than we can understand. If we could grasp what He’s all about, he wouldn’t be God. But when having a relationship with Him means that we have to accept things that don’t make sense, it’s awfully hard to reconcile that with our reason and intellect. Does that mean that Christians have to be irrational in order to believe in the Christian version of God?

Don’t get me wrong: when I was a Christian, I thought I did understand the Trinity. But the truth is, many people who call themselves Christian don’t really understand how Jesus can have existed for all time, but not be all there is to God, how he could be tempted to sin as a man but live like a saint, how he “turns into” the third person of the Trinity (the Holy Spirit) in order to dwell in our hearts, and so on.

Most Christians simplify things in their own minds by saying that Jesus is God. Period. But that’s not really what the Bible clearly says. A lot of what Jesus supposedly said in the Bible about God and his relationship to Him is open to interpretation.

When I was a Christian, I repeated the creeds with everyone else. I told people that Jesus was my Lord and Savior. But when I tried to explain to non-Christians what that meant, I could hear myself saying words I wasn’t really sure I meant. (Or understood.) And that bothered me.

When I found out that Islam teaches that God is One, and only One, I could grasp that. Of course God has to be One. Otherwise, you never know if you’re worshiping the right God, or the right part of God. (If all three persons of the Triune God are equal, why are you never told to worship the Holy Spirit as well as the Son and the Father?)

Muslims don’t have to pretend to believe something that is unbelievable (unless you believe that the concept of God is unbelievable, in which case you’re an atheist, so this would all be a moot point).

Faith of any kind is not easy. We all have our doubts. There is no one religion that answers all our questions. But some religions raise more questions than they answer and for me Christianity is one of them.

Does Christianity Make Sense? is a post from I, Muslimah. © Copyright I, Muslimah, 2011. All Rights Reserved.

I just had someone on Facebook, a self-described pro-life Catholic, ask me how I can be a pro-abortion Democrat and a Muslim. Here is how I answered her:

Just because I identify as a Democrat doesn’t mean that I blindly vote the party line. I still think for myself and vote accordingly. Also, I am not pro-abortion, I’m pro-choice. There’s a difference. And where does it say that a Muslim can’t be a Democrat? And lastly, Muslims do not condone wanton use of abortion, but recognize that there are situations that might warrant one. Pro-lifers make no such distinction. See my blogs I, Muslimah (http://muslimah.femagination.com/) and Femagination (http://www.femagination.com/) if you really want to know why I believe as I do. Oh, and by the way, I’m also a feminist.

The whole thing got me to thinking about perceptions non-Muslims have of Muslims. So I decided to jot down a few things that are not necessarily true just because I’m a Muslim.

• I don’t think that Muslim woman have to wear burkas or niqabs.
• I don’t think it’s wrong to wear bright colors or make-up.
• I don’t have an Arabic or Muslim name.
• I am not conservative in all things.
• I don’t think that non-Muslims are immoral.
• I don’t follow the rulings (fatwas) of shayks and scholars blindly. (In other words, I think for myself.)
• I don’t believe that Muslim women are consigned to second-class citizenship.
• I don’t believe that men are better than women.
• I don’t try to dictate to others what they should and should not do.
• I don’t think it is haram to listen to or make music.
• I don’t hate America or the West.
• I don’t want to take over the world.
• I don’t agree with any form of terrorism.
• I don’t believe that all Muslims have to be exactly alike.
• I don’t believe in coercion in religion.
• I don’t think that Muslims have to shun non-Muslims.
• I don’t have the Qur’an and the words of Mohammad memorized.
• I don’t use—or even know—the Arabic terms for everything.
• I don’t think that abortion should be made illegal.

What I do believe because I’m a Muslim is that:

• Allah is God, complete in Himself.
• Islam means both submission and peace.
• The purpose of prayer is to bless us and bring us closer to Allah and to others.
• Personal responsibility is a hallmark of Islam.
• Men and women are equal.
• There is no such thing as original sin.
• We are born in a state of oneness with Allah.
• Each of is called to seek knowledge and understanding.
• The Qur’an is a sacred book, given to us for instruction and guidance and to warn us of the perils of disobedience.
• Submission to Allah means that we recognize our debt to Him.
• My purpose is life is to do Allah’s will.
• Everything that happens to us is a test which we pass by patience and perseverance.
• Allah is all-forgiving and all-merciful.
• Forgiveness comes through true repentance.
• All the prophets are Allah’s messengers.
• Mohammad is the last of Allah’s prophets.
• The greatest “holy war” is the one within myself.

The important thing to remember when we deal with each other is that no two people are alike, nor are we at the same point in our individual journeys. We need to refrain from judgment and try to see where others are coming from. When we stereotype it’s because we’re too lazy or self-absorbed to get to know people who are different than us as persons.

Just Because I’m a Muslim… is a post from I, Muslimah. © Copyright I, Muslimah, 2011. All Rights Reserved.

I’m not a scholar, but I don’t think you always have to be to work out how to behave in the world.  Take for example the practice of wishing people “Merry Christmas.” I saw a post on Facebook the other day that said that when we say “Merry Christmas” we are essentially agreeing that Jesus was born on December 25th and because that’s not actual fact, we are committing shirk when we say it.

Does that mean that it wouldn’t be shirk if we knew exactly when Jesus was born and we wished people “Merry Christmas” then? Of course not. I think the real reason some Muslims think it’s not all right to acknowledge Christian holidays is because they’re afraid that 1) they’ll give non-Muslims the impression that they think the holidays are valid; or 2) that they’re acting like, or in danger of becoming, Christians just by wishing someone “Merry Christmas.”

Whenever I have trouble deciding how I feel about something, I look at it from a different angle. Usually that means putting myself in the opposite situation. What if I was a non-Muslim and a Muslim wished me “Merry Christmas”? Would I think, Oh, he must believe in Christmas! or would I be more likely to think that he is being friendly?

Or take it a step further: how do I react when a non-Muslim wishes me a Happy Eid? Do I think he is identifying with Islam or about to become a Muslim? Or do I see it as a friendly gesture, an acknowledgement of my religion and my right to express it?

The way I see it, the only time it’s shirk to wish someone a happy holiday is when they don’t know that you’re a Muslim. If you’re trying to pass as a non-Muslim or even a Christian, then that’s obviously shirk. But if it’s clear that you’re a Muslim, I don’t see any harm in it.

What if someone asks you if you believe in the Christmas Story? Then you would have the opportunity to tell him that while you don’t believe that Jesus is God, you do believe in the virgin birth and that Jesus was one of God’s greatest prophets. But I can’t see any upside to saying to someone, “I’d wish you Merry Christmas, but I think it’s all a lot of nonsense.”

That’s all Muslims need: to be seen as intolerant and dismissive of other religions. Our best witness is to show that we’re proud of being Muslims and to treat others the way God would have us treat them. And Allah is not a God of intolerance and discord.

Shirk is the act of assigning partners to Allah. Recognizing that others may be in error about monotheism is important, but it is our own acts of shirk that we need to be aware of. Belittling or ignoring non-Muslims will not bring them to the One God. It will only push them farther away.

Is It Shirk to Wish a Non-Muslim Merry Christmas? is a post from I, Muslimah. © Copyright I, Muslimah, 2011. All Rights Reserved.

The Christmas season is a bittersweet time for me as an American Muslim convert. I cherish my memories of Christmases past. I haven’t forgotten the excitement about Santa’s yearly visit: the letters I mailed to him (usually without stamps), the pictures my mom had taken of me on Santa’s knee, the selection and decoration of the tree, the visits to Secret Santa’s Gift Shop at Lazarus (the forerunner to Macy’s) to buy gifts for my parents and relatives, the cookies and milk we left out for Santa on Christmas Eve (as well as carrots for his reindeer), and the imagined sounds of reindeer hoofs on our roof and the sight of Santa’s ashy boot prints leading to and from our fireplace and the tree.

My parents went all out to celebrate Christmas (consider the boot prints).  The beginning of the season was marked by the trek to the nursery to pick out the tree. Then out came all the Christmas records and sheet music, the time-honored recipes for Christmas cookies, the boxes and boxes of decorations and the invitations to our holiday parties (yes, in the plural). My sister and I were enlisted to implement all my mother’s ideas, which we outwardly complained about, but secretly loved. We knew this was a magical time of the year, especially for children.

But there was also another side to Christmas, one that is far more difficult to give up than the all the excitment about Santa. It was made up of snow-muffled nights when lights twinkled like stars that had come to earth, of sitting quietly in a dark room by the Christmas tree, of Candlelight Services at the church on Christmas Eve, of hymns like  “O Holy Night” that started out quietly and built up to a thrilling crescendo. There was my mother’s childhood manger scene that always sat on our piano with one spare bulb illuminating the manger. There was the sense of tradition and of history and of peace and joy.

My grandfather was a Lutheran minister (which, besides Episcopalians, is the closest you can get to being a Catholic and still be a Protestant). I was baptized as a baby and raised in the Church. When I was in the second grade, my teacher told us the entire story of the Christian Jesus, from his birth to his death and resurrection. I remember being in tears by the end of the story. I couldn’t believe that God would do that for us.  I went through catechism classes, I was confirmed in the Church. My confirmation Bible verse was “Be thou faithful until death and I will give you a crown of life.” (Revelations 2:10)

When I was 21, I re-affirmed my relationship with Jesus Christ by becoming what is sometimes called a “born-again Christian.” I felt a deep connection to Jesus and what he had sacrificed to bring peace and salvation to the Earth. Soon after, I began having children of my own. My husband, and their father, was a minister and also a “born-again Christian.” In our decade-long marriage, we always emphasized the Jesus side of the Christmas story (as in “Jesus is the reason for the season”). We taught them about Santa Claus as well, but always made sure to remind the children that the reason we give gifts at Christmas is to celebrate Jesus’ birthday.

But like all children, it was Santa they focused on.  They understood that we were celebrating Jesus’ birthday, but I’m sure they didn’t understand his significance. It’s easy to get a child to parrot that Jesus is God’s son; but did they really know what that meant? And I’m sure they wondered, like I did when I was a child, why we gave gifts to each other instead of to Jesus. Was it because he was no longer alive?

After their father and I divorced, I continued to celebrate Christmas but it was their father who kept reminding them that Jesus was their Lord and Savior.

There’s no denying that the Christmas story is appealing. Little children can identify with the baby. And it’s made obvious to them from day one that it’s a very special time of the year. It’s not until they become older, when they’re told that there’s no Santa, that they begin to wonder if Jesus is also a made-up character. But by that time, who wants to break the spell?

That’s what becoming a Muslim has meant for me: breaking the spell that is Christmas. Actually, to be fair, that spell was broken long before I became a Muslim. I’m not a stupid person; I could see the contradictions and misconceptions surrounding Christmas. The emphasis on getting gifts instead of giving them. The commercialism. The lack of mention in the Bible about the Trinity. And why in the world do we build up a child’s faith in Santa, only to reveal him as a fake when they get older? What does that teach them about faith in general, but especially about faith in God?

I am so thankful to God that my faith in Him has “survived” Christmas. I no longer believe, or need to believe, that Jesus is God’s son. But I do believe that he existed and that he is one of the greater prophets, even to Muslims. I can accept that God has a special plan for him without feeling like I have to worship him. I value Christmas for what it teaches us about what the Prophet Jesus taught when he was on Earth: That God is Loving and Forgiving, our Creator and thus in a sense our Father, and that He promises us Eternal Life if we only believe in Him, submit to His will, ask for His forgiveness and do all that we can to bring about justice and peace to the world.

That should be the real message of Christmas.

What Christmas Means to Me is a post from I, Muslimah. © Copyright I, Muslimah, 2011. All Rights Reserved.

All-American Muslim” is an eight-part reality show on The Learning Channel (TLC) which premiered on November 13, 2011, and ends on January 8th, 2012.  (If you don’t have cable or have missed the airings, the first episode is currently available here on YouTube.)

To say that the show is controversial is an understatement. Lowe’s, the home improvement chain, recently pulled its ads from the show partly in response to Islamophobes like David Caton of the Florida Family Association. The FFA sent emails to all the show’s sponsors threatening to call all “concerned Americans” to boycott their products if they didn’t withdraw their support.

First of all, ads don’t necessarily mean that the companies who are advertising necessarily agree with a show’s premise or content. If that were the case, how did another TLC show, “Sister Wives” (a show about polygamy) get any advertisers? (And why isn’t the FFA protesting that show??)

Second of all, what kind of idiot views a commercial as an endorsement of anything but the product it’s advertising? Let’s be realistic: companies advertise on shows that they think will have a decent viewership. They don’t care why people are watching the shows; they just want the viewers to buy their products. (Remember, this is commercial television that we’re talking about here.)

Lowe’s could have stood its ground and still maintained its objectivity if it had just issued a statement saying that they advertised on the show in the first place in order to reach its audience. They could have said that those who find the show objectionable should write the show’s creators or the networks that present it. In their statement on their Facebook page, they say that they pulled their ads because the show had become a lightning rod for different societal and political views. (Read the statement here.) So? Big deal!

What they didn’t consider is that the controversy may well create a larger audience for “All-American Muslim.” If they were really smart, they’d reconsider their position and start advertising on the show again.

The FFA and other like-minded bigots believe that the show is a “stealth” project to somehow “trick” the American public into thinking that Muslims are not terrorists. Their little brains can’t handle the concept of diversity even within specific groups of people. All they see are stereotypes, as if only Christians (at least the white and conservative ones) safeguard American values. And anyone who knuckles under to their scare tactics is as small-minded as they are.

For more about this controversy, see here and here.

“All-American Muslim” Reality Show and the Lowe’s Controversy is a post from I, Muslimah. © Copyright I, Muslimah, 2011. All Rights Reserved.

I’m not sure why, but statistics about American Muslims are hard to come by. Estimates run from a little over 1 million to 7 million. Part of the reason for the discrepancy is the confusion over how to define Muslim. Are we counting only practicing Muslims? What about those who are born Muslim, but no longer observe Islamic rituals? And an even bigger mystery is the rate of conversion or number of converts in the U.S. Some sources put the number of converts at 17% of the American Muslim population. Others claim that approximately 20,000 Americans convert to Islam every year.

But whatever the number, most agree that there are more women converting to Islam than men. This puzzles non-Muslims who see Islam as a sexist religion that robs women of their autonomy. They tend to assume that the only reason a woman converts to Islam is because she is marrying a Muslim. While this is true in some cases, it doesn’t mean that the conversion is meaningless. And in my own experience, most of the women converts I’ve met converted on their own, for their own personal reasons.

Take for example a woman I know whom I’ll call Renee. She converted eight years ago when she was 24. She only recently became engaged to a Muslim. Her decision to convert had nothing to do with marriage to a Muslim. She is the only Muslim in her family. She wears the hijab and is active in mosque activities, particularly in the New Muslim Support Group. Most of the members of that group are women.

I’m another example. I converted two years ago at the age of 57. My husband is not a Muslim, nor is he interested in converting (although he completely supports my decision to do so). None of my children are Muslim. I had been a life-long Christian, even at one time the wife of a minister. And to top it off, I’m a feminist. Yet somehow Islam spoke to me and I found that I couldn’t ignore its call.

So why do women convert to Islam, if it’s such a sexist religion? I don’t know about all women, but here are my reasons, based on how I see Islam and what I’ve read in the Qur’an:

Islam actually accords women a higher status than most other religions, including Christianity. Women are not blamed for the introduction of evil into the world (the Fall). Men and women are held equally responsible before Allah and are seen as equal by Him. Islam also reveres the role of women in society, particularly as mothers. Muslim men are taught to treasure the women in their lives.

Islam has a healthier attitude toward sex than Christianity does. Women are not seen as temptresses or whores. Islam teaches that both men and women have a right to sexual pleasure.

I actually like Islam’s call for modesty. I didn’t realize until I started dressing hijab (Islamically) how uncomfortable I’d been exposing my cleavage, for instance. Somehow it just didn’t seem right. I don’t excuse men for having “unclean” thoughts about women, but I do believe that a woman has a responsibility to not do anything to undermine the respect society should accord her. Please don’t take this to mean that I think a woman who dresses provocatively is a slut or deserves to be raped. I don’t. But I personally feel more comfortable being private about what I expose to just anyone.

This brings me to the hijab itself, or headscarf. I don’t wear the hijab because I think a woman’s uncovered hair is enticing to men. I wear it because it helps me to be less preoccupied about my appearance. I confess, however, that I still like to look attractive. I match my hijabs to my outfits and arrange them in ways that I think are flattering. But still, just the act of wearing a hijab reminds me of my commitment to Allah. It’s a little bit like being a nun who wears the habit. It’s an outward sign of an inner conviction.

Finally, I don’t see Islam as sexist. Yes, some Muslim men are controlling, arrogant and abusive. But you know what? So are some non-Muslim men. How a man treats the women in his life has more to do with his cultural attitudes and traditions than with what he has learned from the Qur’an and the example of Mohammad (pbuh). I’m deeply disturbed when I hear non-Muslims saying that honor killings and female genital mutilation are part of Islam. They most emphatically are not.

Men who keep their women sequestered away in their homes are not following Islamic principles. Women are encouraged to be fully involved in life, and especially in the pursuit of knowledge, in order to contribute more to society, no matter what they do.

There is a pragmatic side to Islam that makes me feel more connected to the world. Christianity has its missionary work, but the average Christian is more concerned about his personal spirituality than with the needs of society. It comforts me to know that Allah has a special burden for the poor, the orphaned and the widowed. Women are especially vulnerable in any society, and it’s important to me that the Qur’an mandates Muslims to take care of those less fortunate than themselves.

If you have any questions about this post, feel free to ask them either in a comment or by contacting me at ellen [at] femagination [dot] com. I’d love to hear what you think!

My next post is going to be about the special needs of women converts.

Why This Feminist Converted to Islam is a post from I, Muslimah. © Copyright I, Muslimah, 2011. All Rights Reserved.

(Continued from “Seeking Guidance” on October 19, 2011.)

There is no sure-fire way to be 100% certain that we’re making the right decisions. However, there is a way to be confident that we’re heading in the right direction. And it’s not by seeking out signs and omens or consulting tarot cards or fortune-tellers. There is only one source of perfect advice and guidance and that is God.

Some people dislike that answer. Either they don’t believe in God, or they don’t think God speaks to us clearly enough for us to know what He really wants. Some Christians, and Muslims, too, will open their Holy Books (the Bible or the Qur’an) to a random page and let their finger or eye fall on one verse or passage. They then try to interpret what God is telling them through His Word.

In my opinion, that’s no better than superstition. It’s also lazy. Because there’s only one way to obtain God’s guidance and that’s through prayer. But not just any prayer. Muslims have a special prayer which is called “Salat-I-Istikhara” or the Prayer for Guidance. We were given this prayer by the Prophet Mohammad (swt) and the English translation goes like this:

Oh Allah! I seek Your guidance by virtue of Your knowledge, and I seek ability by virtue of Your power, and I ask You of Your great bounty. You have power; I have none. And You know; I know not. You are the Knower of hidden things.

Oh Allah! If in Your knowledge, (this matter*) is good for my religion, my livelihood and my affairs, immediate and in the future, then ordain it for me, make it easy for me, and bless it for me. And if in Your knowledge, (this matter*) is bad for my religion, my livelihood and my affairs, immediate and in the future, then turn it away from me, and turn me away from it. And ordain for me the good wherever it may be, and make me content with it.

Even if you don’t remember the exact words, you can learn a lot about how to be guided by God from studying this prayer. First, we learn that we can’t hope to know the future; only God knows that. And because He’s the only one who knows the future, He’s also the only one who can give us the best advice about how to head into our future.

Second, we learn that whatever we decide, it must be good for our religion, our livelihood and our affairs, both immediate and in the future. If we’re contemplating something that would violate that guideline, we know right there that we’re heading the wrong way.

Third, because God knows not only the future, but knows us, He alone is able to guide us properly.

However, this still leaves the problem of how God guides us. And here is where I marvel at the wisdom of the Prophet (swt). For he tells us to trust God and have faith in His ability to make those things that are good for us also easy for us, and the things that are bad for us more difficult. We are also to trust that God will influence us to the point where, if we’re really submitted to Him, we will find ourselves losing interest or confidence in those plans that are not God’s will for us.

This requires time and repeated prayer. We can’t expect instant answers. Sometimes we have to wait for a while to see if we remain enthusiastic and positive about our intentions. We also need to give God time to work in us and in our circumstances.

I hope I don’t sound like I’m an expert about seeking God’s guidance, because I’m not. But I thank Allah that He gave us this model.

The Prayer for Guidance is a post from I, Muslimah. © Copyright I, Muslimah, 2011. All Rights Reserved.

A newborn baby operates on instinct. She doesn’t decide when she cries or sleeps. He’s at the mercy of the adults in his life to make all his decisions for him. But as she grows older, she becomes increasingly independent. And part of that independence is learning to make your own decisions.

The good parent teaches his child to make decisions wisely and responsibly. This can seem like an overwhelming task because making decisions isn’t easy even for grown-ups. How do we teach our children to be wise and responsible when we so often fail at this ourselves?

Some people are very decisive while others are indecisive. I tend toward the latter. In my younger years I never wanted to make a decision because I was always afraid that I would make the wrong one. When I was asked what I wanted to do, I would say, “I don’t know; you decide.” That was my way of protecting myself from another person’s displeasure. I thought if I never made a decision, it would always be the other person’s fault if it went wrong. I also thought that no one would ever get mad at me if I never tried to push my own agenda.

I couldn’t have been more wrong. All I ended up doing was frustrating my friends and family. They felt that I was distancing myself from them, making myself inaccessible. Just because I wouldn’t say what I really wanted. They weren’t asking me to agree with them. They wanted me to reveal myself by showing what I cared about.

I was especially bad about this when it came to my boyfriends and later my husbands. Shortly before I married my first husband, I became a Christian. And rather than making me wiser and more responsible, I became less so. That was because I didn’t ask God to help me make decisions; I asked my husband to. And because I was trying to be a “good” Christian, I thought I had to defer to my husband’s leadership and to me that meant that I was to let him make all the decisions.

That’s the tricky thing about seeking guidance. If we seek it from the wrong people, we can make a mess of our lives. Bad advice makes for bad decisions. And even if the person we’re conferring with has good motives and a certain amount of wisdom, he still may not give us advice that fits us.

I discovered this when I took a course in creative writing a few years ago. I’ve always wanted to write and thought I was good at it. In class one day I told my teacher that another teacher had said that my writing was “almost lyrical.” My writing teacher’s response was, “Yes, but that doesn’t mean it was good writing.”

I was scarred by that comment, to the point where my confidence in myself as a writer was almost completely eroded. As a result, I stopped writing for a while except for in my journals. It has taken me a lot of time and effort to build back my self-esteem, and I’m still not where I want to be.

So how do we protect ourselves from people who are not really wise or empathetic enough to give us good advice? And how do we make decisions for ourselves that are the “right” ones? And, even more, how

Seeking Guidance is a post from I, Muslimah. © Copyright I, Muslimah, 2011. All Rights Reserved.

I haven’t been around much lately because I was studying for the GRE (Graduate Record Exam®) I had to take for grad school. I took it on September 26th and now I’m trying to get back into my writing. I’m also trying to get back into my faith. Because the truth is, while I was focusing on the GRE, I lost my focus on everything else.

I have trouble switching from one activity to another, especially in the course of one day. If I try to make myself “turn off” one mindset and “turn on” another, I find that my brain just won’t co-operate. I feel befuddled (which means “very confused and unable to think clearly”) or dazed and disorientated. It’s like when you have something in the back of your mind that you keep thinking about even when you try not to. If I try to write, or study, or even pray when I’ve just been doing something else, I can’t seem to clear my mind and allow it to focus on something new.

I’ve been diagnosed with ADD (or Attention Deficit Disorder), which is another way of saying that my mind works differently than most peoples’. I’m terribly disorganized, I tend to hyperfocus on one thing at a time, but I also need constant stimulation or I get bored and tune out completely. I tend to jump from one enthusiasm to another and become totally obsessed with each one, but give me a week and I’m on to something else.

Lately I’ve been feeling out of touch with my faith. I keep missing prayer times, I haven’t been reading the Qur’an and I don’t wear my hijab as much as I used to. I’ve been worried that my enthusiasm for Islam has run its course, that it was only a temporary interest and now I’m over it. But when I think about God, and how I see my relationship with Him, I know that Islam is the only religion that makes sense to me.  My problem has more to do with my inability to stick with things rather than with my lack of interest.

I realize now that I can’t grow in my iman (faith) unless I feed it. The problem is, I’ve been getting most of what I know about Islam from the wrong sources. Islam emphasizes the importance of knowledge but it has to be the right kind of knowledge. When I pay more attention to Muslims who are trying to push their own agenda instead of to Mohammad as revealed in the ahadith, I’m bound to become confused and disillusioned.

I’ve decided that there is a hierarchy in learning. The most important things to learn are what Allah says about Himself and what Mohammad says about Allah. Next on the list are the things we need to do to be righteous in Allah’s eyes. But even there, our most important sources are the Qur’an and the Sunnah. Whenever I get confused about what Allah wants of me, I need to turn to these resources, not to the opinions of other Muslims.

However, the best kind of knowledge is that which is gained through experience. Book learning is not enough. I need to be in an active relationship with Allah if I ever want to overcome my tendency to lose interest. This is where prayer enters the picture, as well as our attitudes toward prayer. If I feel that prayer is something I have to do, I avoid it or do it grudgingly. But when I feel that prayer is something that I get to do, I pray willingly and with joy.

There’s a story in the Bible about the foolishness of building one’s house on shifting sand instead of on solid rock. Other people’s opinions are like shifting sand; Allah is the solid rock. Whenever I feel myself slipping in my faith, I should look at where I’m building my “house.” If it’s not on Allah and His word, then I shouldn’t be surprised if I don’t feel secure in my faith.

The Shifting Sands of Doubt is a post from I, Muslimah. © Copyright I, Muslimah, 2011. All Rights Reserved.