ferox in a box

SBM

noreply@blogger.com (Liz) — Mon, 14 Sep 2009 17:00:00 +0000

The summer days are gone too soon, you shoot the moon and miss completely. And now you're left to face the gloom, the empty room that once smelled sweetly. Of all the flowers you plucked, if only you knew the reason why you had to each be lonely. Was it just the season?

Now the fall is here again. You can't begin to give in, it's all over. When the snows come rolling through, you're rolling too with some new lover. Will you think of times you've told me that you knew the reason why we had to each be lonely? It was just the season.

I guess there's nothing left to say but thank you, for everything.

Goodbye

noreply@blogger.com (Liz) — Sun, 13 Sep 2009 03:07:00 +0000

This will be my second to last post before this blog retires.

I just wanna say thanks to my readers. I don't write for you, but I'm happy that you care or are curious enough to keep reading and coming back. To my top readers from Los Angeles, Irvine, El Granada, Goleta, Belmont/San Mateo, Glendale, and West Hollywood. Thanks, whoever you are. It means the world.

Yours with love,
Liz

Numb

noreply@blogger.com (Liz) — Sat, 12 Sep 2009 08:10:00 +0000

I'm spending my last night in Irvine with two of my closest friends. The past three days have been amazing at best, anti-climactic at worst. Plenty of laughs, silence, reliving good memories, and preventing bad ones from forming. I can't say that my last night was exactly what I thought it would be, but I can't ask for anything more.

The past three months have truly been the definition of a blur. After my first trip back from Irvine, everything beforehand seemed just so unreal, in the most peculiar way. I had no idea what to expect each passing day, and my ability to deal with flexibility and being unsure I think has helped me prepare for my trip. I've learned to accept that some people will appear in your life, and a lot will disappear. And I'm trying my best to be okay with that, but who knows.

I'm not sure who or what I'll be when I return in January. But as of right now, I know I'm a smart, fun-loving girl who doesn't mind speaking without a filter sometimes and isn't afraid to embrace her geeky and nerdy side. And I want to attract the type of people who accept me for who I am, so I'll continue living that way unless someone has a good reason for me to change. Eventually, I want to date a smart, sensitive, driven, and articulate type of man who treats me like a princess in his own special way. But that's neither here nor there. My policy towards dating has never been goal-orientated (insert sniper scope *target acquired*), so the amount of effort I'll exert in that area of my life will be quite minimal at best. Whatever happens happens, and that's very exciting, indeed.

It hasn't hit me yet that I'm leaving in two days, and I have a feeling it won't until I'm on the airplane, sobbing in my seat. I've never been homesick before. I love NOT being home, so we'll see how I react this time. I'll reconvene with everyone I've left behind in a few months, so maybe I'm just overreacting with how much I'll miss all of my friends.

Like I've said, I think this blog has served its purpose, and will be retired before I leave on Monday. I probably won't be on Facebook much either. I'll keep a travel blog and maybe a video blog, probably my Twitter, too. The only thing stopping me from completely cutting off everyone in the world would be that I need to make friends in England, and unfortunately Facebook is conducive to that.

I feel like I should have cried more today. I think I deserved that, at least from you. Something more. But I guess the less emotional the parting, the easier the distance will be. I suppose I got what I wanted - a cardboard box and a pretty ribbon to wrap it up. Memories and feelings packaged and preserved for the rest of eternity. Nothing can taint it now.

Finale

noreply@blogger.com (Liz) — Sat, 12 Sep 2009 00:25:00 +0000

A lot of "lasts" today.

I'm retiring this blog before I leave for England.

Cadence and Rhythm

noreply@blogger.com (Liz) — Wed, 09 Sep 2009 05:12:00 +0000

Friends

noreply@blogger.com (Liz) — Sun, 06 Sep 2009 06:43:00 +0000

For the first time, I feel like I have a core, reliable, fantastic set of them. One even referred to me as their best friend.

Wow, it's been a long time since I've had a best friend. At least one that considered me one in return.

I have people to see, and people to miss. And people want to see me, and want to miss me, too.

Dolphin

noreply@blogger.com (Liz) — Sat, 05 Sep 2009 04:19:00 +0000

Sometimes I feel like I'm in the middle of the ocean when it comes to you. I know where I am, I know the situation, but I have no idea what to do next and, frankly, I'm only barely treading water. The safety of land could be anywhere. I can try swimming towards it, but is it worth the effort? The sweet comfort of solid ground could be in any direction.

And there were times that I wanted to give up. Just to stop kicking my feet, to stop grabbing onto something that I can't hold onto. To let myself fall into the dark unknown because part of me feels like I keep a shred of dignity knowing I was choosing a peaceful end out of my own volition, rather than let my unfortunate circumstance consume me. The respite seems tempting, for consciousness will fade in a matter of minutes.

Then you come along: a sleek, cheerful creature with seemingly no care in the world, passing through the area because I caught your eye, a curiosity in the world you normally inhabit by yourself. Once in a while you make an appearance, and I reach out to you hoping you would lead me in the right direction, or maybe even just help me stay afloat in this vastness for a little while.

The moments where defeat seems like the best way to escape are the times that I hardly notice you. I know you're around, the thought is well placed in the back of my mind, but panic buries logic and reason. I can't track your thoughts and feelings all the time, and you're free to come and go as you please. But part of me knows you're here, and that you're around for a reason.

But during those times I feel like giving up, you nudge my feet and push me above the water's surface, a reminder that I'm not alone in this ocean. You're just as lost as I am, a vagabond without a map or an agenda.

And we float.

Picture

noreply@blogger.com (Liz) — Sat, 05 Sep 2009 03:42:00 +0000

I can't help but smile when I look at ones of us.

Visceral.

Times

noreply@blogger.com (Liz) — Wed, 02 Sep 2009 09:22:00 +0000

Maybe I'm just not made for these.

But I'm glad things are turning out better than I thought they'd be, at 2 weeks before departure.

Hair

noreply@blogger.com (Liz) — Tue, 01 Sep 2009 07:27:00 +0000

I dyed it today.

Part of me that's itching for change is finally coming out.

Nothing sounds more awesome right now than just pulling myself off the grid. No Facebook, no Myspace, no Twitter, no Blogger, no YouTube, no nothing. Just a face, a name, and a personality. I truly am tempted to just disappear and start a whole new life for a few months, letting go of what I was and becoming someone else for a while.

I already have a new hair length and hair color. Just shut off my internet, and I'm halfway there.

Portrait

noreply@blogger.com (Liz) — Sat, 29 Aug 2009 06:32:00 +0000

Let me paint you one.

A sweet, kind man who can take care of himself but doesn't tending or being tended to, either. A gentle soul who respects our differences and has enough of a sense of humor to take biting jokes in stride. A secure human being who acknowledges his faults and if he doesn't make an effort to improve them, than he's at least okay with them. A portrait of modern chivalry who understands that I may be a little crazy and come with my fair share of neuroses, but embraces them as something that makes me who I am. An amiable companion my girlfriends smile at and my guyfriends drink with, who doesn't mind that guys tend to be my closest confidants, although there are always exceptions. A thoughtful gentleman who has the right amount of romance and ruggedness, who gets jealous just enough that I feel like someone worth being protective of, a quality that I possess, myself. An thriving intellectual who is okay with his own complexity, who appreciates both the intricacies of elaborate things and the beauty in simple things. A kindred spirit who can make me laugh to create new memories and to forget bad ones, wipe my tears because they come too easily for my current comfort level, listen to jokes I fail at telling, and appreciate the silences I create because I don't always feel like talking when I'm around his company. Spontaneous and chill, he knows that this may not be forever, and that God blesses us with the company of others for a specific amount of time for reasons we won't know till later. And he, like me, is okay with this.

We'd hold hands not because we have to, but because it's never a bad idea. We'd be a couple, in public and in private, but it would be no one's business but ours. I'd be crazy about him, and he'd be crazy about me. He would say "I love you" in person because that's the way important relationship milestones should be conducted - face-to-face, not through technology that can never replicate the real experience of the physical present. We would develop our own romantic gestures because we'd understand what makes each other happy.

I would fall asleep on his lap, watching TV I was only half paying attention to because he'd be a comfortable resting place for a head too full with thoughts and worries and overanalyzations.

At almost 20 years old, I suppose this is a portrait of what my heart and head want in a "perfect man". I wrote this down as a reminder to myself, something I'll look back on for one dating-related reason or another. Not so much as a checklist or anything ridiculous like that (maybe somewhat after the fact, when a checklist is moot), but as a Polaroid of what I want at this point in my life. Will it change? Hopefully not, I kinda like this.

But I leave it to the fates.
Sed do illam fortunae

Hand

noreply@blogger.com (Liz) — Fri, 28 Aug 2009 09:02:00 +0000

I like the way yours felt in mine.

21

noreply@blogger.com (Liz) — Tue, 25 Aug 2009 07:00:00 +0000

Days till I leave. Things to do:

-Pick up dry cleaning
-Get pants hemmed
-"Dry run" of packing
-Sort out shoes
-Collect pictures
-Get VISA SHIT sorted out
-Zune situation
-Credit card bill
-Get pedicure
-Eyebrows shaped
-Get media sorted out on laptop
-Download shows I won't have in Europe :(
-Converters
-Travel book
-Knit more scarves
-Talk to the bank
-Transfer savings funds

eep.

Atmosphere

noreply@blogger.com (Liz) — Fri, 21 Aug 2009 09:48:00 +0000

.Wherever I go, whatever I do, I wonder where I am in my relationship to you.
Wherever you go, wherever you are, I watch your life play out in pictures from afar.

Boys

noreply@blogger.com (Liz) — Wed, 19 Aug 2009 09:37:00 +0000

The problem with spending an overwhelming amount of time with my sorority sisters is that I've had to be reminded about how shitty they are. Half my girlfriends are going through boy troubles, and hearing their stories was like being hit with a bucket of ice water.

K. said something to me that I've been mulling over since yesterday. And it's sad how we've come to be so cynical of relationships because we're afraid of getting hurt.

K: "When you're in a relationship, it's always better to care less about it than the other person."
L: "...so that they have to adjust to your comfort level."
K: "Exactly. And the risk of you getting hurt is probably less."

Sigh. Sad but true.

Being hurt automatically builds up those callouses, so that trusting people completely is next to impossible without taking a huge step to get there.

And it's sad that there's so much comfort in being alone, that you never risk getting hurt.

I hope I'm not doomed to that fate. I already feel the callouses around me. I guess it'll just have to take the right man to wear them down.

Estrogen

noreply@blogger.com (Liz) — Tue, 18 Aug 2009 07:31:00 +0000

God, I missed being around it.

Hanging out with my sisters today was probably one of the highlights of this short vacation.

It's fun talking about boys with girls. I've forgotten how much I've missed that. Squealing all over!!

I don't want this vacation to end, but I know it's back to reality.

Benefits

noreply@blogger.com (Liz) — Sun, 16 Aug 2009 07:04:00 +0000

Despite all the worrying and bitching I've done this summer, I can't say that my current situation is without these.

As much as an air of officialdom would have been awesome, it's definitely unnecessary and frankly there would have been a lot of messed up shit all around by the end of the summer if it were something established.

I have all the good and fun without the baggage or the responsibility of the real thing.

Is that cheap? Maybe.

But the expiration date is nearing and I'm savoring the present.

Cheers.

Bad

noreply@blogger.com (Liz) — Sun, 16 Aug 2009 06:10:00 +0000

I'd rather have this kind of news than being unsure all around

Regrets

noreply@blogger.com (Liz) — Fri, 14 Aug 2009 03:56:00 +0000

I've reaffirmed my belief that I try and live without them, especially during this very confusing summer.

No matter what happens, I will be okay. And that's comforting.

History majors are blessed with being able to appreciate context and perspective.

All will be well. I know it.

Lists

noreply@blogger.com (Liz) — Tue, 11 Aug 2009 07:35:00 +0000

Some I need to compile/add to/complete

-Men who are unfortunately gay (unfortunate for me)
-Awesome vocalists in medicore bands
-Vocalists better heard than seen

Excellent

noreply@blogger.com (Liz) — Sun, 09 Aug 2009 06:19:00 +0000

I loved talking with M. today. And a discussion of life segued into this:

I won. I won the game I didn't even know I was playing. And even if I knew I was playing the game, trying too hard would have made me lose anyway. But I won. I feel terrible for the people who did play, because I'm sure they were very worthy opponents. I'm not even sure why I won.

I got the prize.

And it feels like this.

Just wanted to share my good mood today.

Mother

noreply@blogger.com (Liz) — Fri, 07 Aug 2009 01:10:00 +0000

Mine has always had a fascination with biographies. She doesn't like fiction very much. She likes current events and biographies.

And frankly, that's how I've been lately. Not with books, per se. But I always read the news and I think that's why I love reading other peoples' blogs. Even random blogs.

I dunno. I enjoy the lives of other people. Maybe it's a bit voyeuristic. But they make it public anyway, so no harm no foul if I happen to read their business for a few minutes and move on.

A snapshot of someone's life. A polaroid.

Sometimes it creeps me out how much I know about other people and having them be completely unaware that a stranger (or even a friend) sympathizes with them. But whenever someone blogs about a bad day I feel bad with them, and I think that adds a bit more humanity into the world even if they don't know it. The fact that someone on the internet has affected my day is a testament to how humanity is finding different ways to connect and grow. So I've made my peace about it.

But sometimes I really need to get off the internet. I'm too good at it sometimes.

Negative

noreply@blogger.com (Liz) — Mon, 03 Aug 2009 08:03:00 +0000

Okay, enough of this type of bullcrap that I apparently have been recording in the blogosphere for the past few weeks. Don't worry audience, I have not actually been feeling all this crappy. There's so much good happening, too!!

1) More blogs! Check it out: http://whispertoaroar.pbworks.com It's a wiki about my research project. I don't know how many hits I'll get at this website, but I really want people to get excited about doing research projects! God, I'm such a nerd but I LOVE EVERY MINUTE OF IT!

2) I'm going to be IRVINE bound next week! AHHHH! I'm so excited! I get to see some people that I've truly missed and whom my heart aches for. If everything goes well, I won't remember much of next weekend. YEEE

3) I really feel positive about who my friends are. Friends are the people who are excited to see you when you've been separated for a long time. And I really do think I have that in Irvine.

4) NO SCHOOL. NO MORE BEDTIMES. EXCELLENTE!

5) I think a lot of reading and knitting will be done for this last month that I'm here.

6) It feels nice to feel attractive. Especially when you don't feel like you are.

7) My family has taken on a fascination with my guinea pig that I've never thought possible. They love him. Yay <3

8) I'm so glad I have unlimited text. One of the few times this summer where I thought to myself, "Wow. Perfect timing!"

Okay, its late so I'm getting to bed soon. Toodles!

Fears

noreply@blogger.com (Liz) — Mon, 03 Aug 2009 06:46:00 +0000

I'm not sure how to deal with them right now. I was think about what you were so afraid of, what kept you so separated for so long.

I'm afraid I'm feeling that now, too.

Please comfort me.

Struggle

noreply@blogger.com (Liz) — Thu, 30 Jul 2009 03:11:00 +0000

"et quid erat quod me delectabat, nisi amare et amari? sed non tenebatur modus ab animo usque ad animum quatenus est luminosus limes amicitiae, sed exhalabantur nebulae de limosa concupiscentia carnis et scatebra pubertatis, et obnubilabant atque obfuscabant cor meum, ut non discerneretur serenitas dilectionis a caligine libidinis. utrumque in confuso aestuabat et rapiebat inbecillam aetatem per abrupta cupiditatum atque mersabat gurgite flagitiorum. invaluerat super me ira tua, et nesciebam. obsurdueram stridore catenae mortalitatis meae, poena superbiae animae meae, et ibam longius a te et sinebas, et iactabar et effundebar et diffluebam et ebulliebam per fornicationes meas, et tacebas. o tardum gaudium meum! tacebas tunc, et ego ibam porro longe a te in plura et plura sterilia semina dolorum superba deiectione et inquieta lassitudine."

Augustine's Confessions, Book II.2

I don't think I'm this extreme. But I think about it every day. It's a Catholic thing...