In this episode of Fighting Anorexia, I share my top 7 recovery tips with you. I was inspired by Julie Parker’s amazing book “My Recovery” because many of the suggestions shared in this book resonated strongly with me and my own experience.

My Top 7 Recovery Tips

1. Explore your creative side
2. Embrace Imperfection
3. Don’t diet and eat intuitively
4. Don’t be ashamed to ask for professional help. Ever.
5. Separate yourself from your eating disorder
6. Let Love in and cultivate Self-Love
7. Know that recovery is not linear and take one step at a time

You can find me on aMINDmedia.com and you can check out my new podcast. Also, be sure to check out the 28 Loving Reawakenings, the Body Image Revolution Course, the True Beauty Mastermind Program and so much more. All can be found on aMINDmedia. I am not going anywhere, I’m just moving on. I hope you’ll move with me.

Like I said, the new podcast will focus on self-empowerment and that is something that is crucial for recovery as well.

Thank you for everything and please never forget that you are beautiful, worthy and deserving.

If you would like to leave me some feedback, you can mail it to feedback@fightinganorexia.com

You can follow me on twitter: @anneso87

Thanks For Subscribing To The Fighting Anorexia Podcast:
Note: My podcasts are now also available on Stitcher!

060 Fighting Anorexia – My Top 7 Recovery Tips is a post from: Fighting Anorexia

There comes a time in your life when you have to let some things go.

Things that you love.

Things that you have worked hard for.

Things that you feel deeply passionate about.

Things that have given you hope, friends, love and many wonderful experiences.

Things that have shaped your life for a long and rewarding time.

This is such a time.

After a long and gut-wrenching process of planning the next steps of my life, my online presence and with that, my future, my heart and mind led me to the conclusion that I had to move on from certain projects and focus on one single mission:

empowering you to find your purpose, self- and body-love and, what is most important, your self-worth.

In the past year, I’ve juggled too many projects, too many messages and too many commitments. I had spread myself too thin and had lost my mental and physical balance.

The pressure to write for two completely independent websites, keep four different podcasts alive and try to make a living was taking its toll on my health and state of mind. At the same time, the quality of my work was not what I wanted it to be and so I was doing both a disservice to you, my devoted readers and podcast listeners, and myself.

Over time, it became evident that I needed to eliminate certain things and create a sharp focus on one single theme. This is what I did with the rebranding of aMINDmedia.com.

During this process of rebranding, I decided to not continue writing for this website, nor will I produce any new episodes of the Fighting Anorexia podcast after episode 60. 

I know that many of you will be upset and so am I, but I want you to know that I did not take this decision lightly. 

I will forever cherish this website and it will not be taken down. This blog has saved me more often than I can tell. It has kept me sane, gave me a purpose and a reason to keep fighting.

The podcast has helped me just as much as it has helped you and I will most certainly continue to draw from the strategies I talked about for a long time to come.

I am working on a new podcast and weekly videos about self-empowerment and I know that you will benefit from the episodes since the finding of your true self and the developing of self-love is such an integral part of fighting anorexia.

This is why I am hoping you’ll move on with me to aMINDmedia and the new podcast and that together we can empower ourselves beyond the eating disorder that we have been or are still fighting.

I love each and every single one of you and I cannot even begin to put into words how much your support has meant to me over the last year. You will forever hold a very special place in my heart.

I’ll never forget what you have done for me.

Thank you from the entire of my heart and I hope to see you over at aMINDmedia.

Moving On is a post from: Fighting Anorexia

In this special episode of Fighting Anorexia, I share an interview with my sister Valerie with you. Valerie has been my rock in the years of my struggle and has been there for my during the hard months of recovery.

She’s three years younger than me and I have always felt horrible for impacting her youth in such a negative way, but I am proud of her for being such a strong, independent and amazing young woman.

In the interview we talk about the first time she noticed that I was sick, how it was for her to see me getting sicker and sicker, how she has tried to help me and how the disorder influenced her in general.

We then discuss the fact that there are moments where you are angry at the person that has the illness for many understandable reasons and how you can deal with those feelings. And we talk about the way that my recovery has influenced her and her life and so much more.

If you would like to leave me some feedback, you can mail it to feedback@fightinganorexia.com

You can follow me on twitter: @anneso87

Thanks For Subscribing To The Fighting Anorexia Podcast:
Note: My podcasts are now also available on Stitcher!

059 Fighting Anorexia – How Anorexia Impacts the Lives of Siblings (Interview with my Sister) is a post from: Fighting Anorexia

In this episode of Fighting Anorexia, I talk about the positive and negative aspects of competition in recovery.

We are all competitive. It is a characteristic trait that we have deep within us. Some have it more than others, but we all have it.

Competing with others in recovery can be a motivating factor and a very, very unhealthy and destructive element on your way to health.

The positive aspects of having a role model or competitor are apparent at first glance: it motivates you, it inspires you, it shows you that there is hope and light at the end of the tunnel.

Knowing that others have gone through the same dark period as you are going through right now and have made it out of that pit stronger and healthier provides you with the much needed confidence that you too can come to that place of freedom.

Therefor, competing with those who have recovered successfully is an important part of recovery. You can compete with them to come to that place of health too and never ever leave it again, just like they are doing.

The negative aspects of competition are plenty as well: if you choose the wrong competitor, you can end up sicker and more eating disordered than before.

If you choose a recovering person as your role model who is not stable yet and he or she stumbles, you too tend to stumble and walk right back into eating disordered behavior.

If you choose someone as your role model whom you believe is healthy and has a normal mindset when it comes to food (but your inner realistic voice is telling you otherwise), you can worsen your anorexic behavior or never recover fully.

I know that you are extremely intelligent and smart and that you know whom to choose as your role model and competitor.

Choose wisely and you have built one more important pillar of your recovery.

If you would like to leave me some feedback, you can mail it to feedback@fightinganorexia.com

You can follow me on twitter: @anneso87

Thanks For Subscribing To The Fighting Anorexia Podcast:
Note: My podcasts are now also available on Stitcher!

058 Fighting Anorexia – Competition in Recovery is a post from: Fighting Anorexia

This is a guest post by Gina Chirichella.

I spend a lot of time on my own blog writing dance metaphors for recovery. There are a few reasons for this. Besides the fact that I LOVE dance and finally get to take classes on a regular basis and I love metaphor (it’s my favorite literary device…do YOU have a favorite literary device?), I happen to take from teachers that throw out little sayings that apply so well to recovery.

I was in a class today and the teacher was trying to get us to “let go,” to trust ourselves to move in a way that felt dangerous or scary, but we were probably all capable of doing.

She said if you go for it and you fall, it’s just information for you, not a reason to stop trying.

My brain started reeling on that one. It was very true in the class, but this is a blog about recovery, so I’m going to head in that direction.

I’m at a point in recovery where I’ve been mostly physically stable for quite a few months. I was in intensive treatment (residential, PHP, IOP) from December to May and I worked my little butt off while I had the support. I discharged because I was really ready to step down, not because of insurance (fortunately) or because I had hit a wall and wasn’t willing to work through it.

Nonetheless, it’s been hard. My weight has wavered as has my motivation at times. I know that eating my meal plan is a realistic goal — I had been doing the SAME meal plan for a long time. I also know that the emotional work I’m being asked to do it what I need to do at this point in recovery. Yet I’m so hesitant to really commit to doing any of it. Instead, I’m spending time dancing around kiiiiind of doing it and kind of just hanging out in limbo. (Given, it’s a better limbo than I was in before I went into treatment, but still…)

A big part of the reason I’m unwilling to commit is because I’m afraid to fail. I think as a group, people with eating disorders are generally hyper-critical of themselves and I am no exception. Now that I’m actually wanting to get and stay well, I’m afraid of trying hard and failing. (I have a friend that would say, “you’re being so eating disordered about your recovery!” she’s right…)

More than “failing,” I’m afraid of trying something, faltering, and feeling too defeated to try again.

Wouldn’t it be a nice mind shift if I could see a falter as more information for myself?

What if anytime you slipped, had a hard meal or snack, maybe had a small lapse (or even a relapse) instead of saying f*ck it, you said, “okay, now I know a little bit more so that I can be more grounded, more certain next time.” (Let’s be realistic, we’ve all had the “f*ck it” experience…) The way I would like to see it is I’m never going to know what I’m capable of if I don’t try. If I try to have a harder meal, do some difficult stuff in therapy etc and I struggle, I know my limits, I know where to start next time. If I try and I succeed…well hell, now I’m further than I thought I could be.

So often recovery seems daunting, so black and white (either you are doing well or struggling, there is no in between). What if you’re doing well and gathering information to continue doing well. Or struggling, but learning where to pick up the pieces.

Using every experience as a way to gather data is a great way to put a gray area into a world that feels SO black and white at times (at least my world feels very black and white). Sometimes it feels difficult to think about reframing an ENTIRE process like recovery so for myself I made the goal a bit more manageable. I’m working on sticking to my meal plan and incorporating more “scary foods.” I’m also working on being more flexible — allowing spontaneous things to happen with food and know that I can go back to the meal plan at the next meal or snack no matter what happens in the interim (sometimes I get lost in the interim…). So I’m going to work on noticing what happens when I let go…what is conducive to my success and what situations cause me to lapse or feel out of control.

How can you learn to let go and give yourself a chance to gather new information? Start small, don’t scare yourself doing something that’s supposed to be helpful (I’ve certainly done this. Very counter productive..).

And remember, if you fall, it’s just information to use for next time…

Recovery and The Power Of Letting Go is a post from: Fighting Anorexia

Nothing hurts and infuriates those who suffer from an eating disorder and their relatives and family more than hearing all the myths and public misunderstandings about eating disorders and recovery.

If you are caught in the circle of anorexia, bulimia, binge eating disorder or EDNOS, you are going through hell and hearing all the belittling misconceptions can throw you in an even deeper and darker hole than you already are.

I asked my friends, fellow activists and sufferers on Facebook to identify their most hurtful and harmful myths that could not be further from the truth.

1. It is just a phase.
2. It is a choice.
3. It is always about body image and wanting to be skinny
4. Anorexia is the only eating disorder
5. Anorexia is the most common eating disorder
6. Only teenage girls suffer from eating disorders à at least 10 % are men and it is not uncommon in adults
7. It is a white-only disease -> comparable rates of eating disorders have been found in ethnic minorities
8. Anorexics do not eat
9. It has always to do with control
10. Anorexia is the deadliest eating disorder of all -> it has been disputed
11. Recovery is fast
12. It is easily treatable with full nutrition -> only 50% recover fully, 30% achieve partial recovery and 20% remain chronic
13. Once you have reached a healthy weight, you are fine
14. If you look healthy, you cannot have an eating disorder
15. You will always have EDNOS and issues with Ed

If you would like to leave me some feedback, you can mail it to feedback@fightinganorexia.com

You can follow me on twitter: @anneso87

Thanks For Subscribing To The Fighting Anorexia Podcast:
Note: My podcasts are now also available on Stitcher!

The 15 Top Myths and Stereotypes about Eating Disorders and Recovery is a post from: Fighting Anorexia

Anorexia often makes us believe that we do not have to gain any weight in order to be healthy and live fully. However, the effects that being underweight has on your body are numerous.

In fact, eating disorders like anorexia or bulimia can prove to be deadly.

In this episode, I am making you aware of the serious consequences of not giving your body the nutrients it needs to function and survive.

Here is what can happen and does happen when you are underweight:

• muscle weakness and fatigue
• lower immune system (colds and flu more often)
• loss of muscle mass because the body uses its muscle as fuel
• hair loss due to the fact that your body does not have enough nutrients to grow healthy and strong hair
• lower blood pressure, which causes tiredness, dizzy spells and fainting
• Osteoporosis, which is loos of bone mass
  It is much more common in skinny women and is caused by having a deficiency of calcium and vitamin D. Those nutrients are necessary for strong bones.
• Irregular menstrual cycle and infertility
  the hormonal system is disrupted from a lack of nutrients
  a dysfunctional ovulation can impede pregnancy
• Wrinkles: when you lose weight, you lose the fat in your face that reduces the appearance of wrinkles
• Anemia: characterized by a lower number than normal of red blood cells. The symptoms are fatigue, pain in the chest and shortness of breath
• lower immune system
  If your body doesn’t have enough vitamin D, your body won’t be able to metabolize calcium, which can lead to rickets.
  If your body doesn’t have enough vitamin C, you can get scurvy.
  If your body doesn’t get enough iron, it leads to the aforementioned anemia.
• damage to liver and kidney
• joint pain
• death

That’s an impressive list, isn’t it? The longer you go down that dangerous path, the more at risk you are for those possible results.

Top 10 benefits of gaining weight:

Personal freedom.

Room for thought.

More energy.

More life.

More emotions.

More chances to succeed.

More love.

More laughter.

More fun.

More peace.

If you would like to leave me some feedback, you can mail it to feedback@fightinganorexia.com

You can follow me on twitter: @anneso87

Thanks For Subscribing To The Fighting Anorexia Podcast:
Note: My podcasts are now also available on Stitcher!

056 Fighting Anorexia – Do I Really Need More Weight? Plus the Top 10 Benefits of Gaining Weight! is a post from: Fighting Anorexia

In this episode of Fighting Anorexia, I talk about how my recovery has changed my relationships with those close to me.  In order to recover you must accept change and those around you have to accept it also.

Now here lies the struggle.  When you are in the throws of this disease you are a certain person.

As you start your journey to recovery you develop your own personality, dreams, hopes and strength. You slowly start to become the person you want to be.   Sometimes this is hard for the people around you to deal with and accept.

They have know you has a different person, someone who is sick, weak, vulnerable and in some cases a people pleaser.

Now they see this new person and they are unsure of what it means for them. It will take time and patience but you can work through these relationships, and some will be worth keeping and some won’t.  But in no way should you lose yourself.  You must change to recover.

A few tips on how to deal with these changes in relationships:

1. It is nobody`s fault that you transform into a new person!

2. Talk, talk, talk with your partner or family!

3. Take some time out with the those you love in order to get away from it all!

4. Do not give up too early!

5. Decide what is best for YOUR recovery and do not ever compromise your recovery!

We all go through ups and downs through our journey, if today you need some reasons to fight please check out this post … 1o Reasons to Fight/Stay Recovered

If you would like to leave me some feedback, you can mail it to feedback@fightinganorexia.com

You can follow me on twitter: @anneso87

Thanks For Subscribing To The Fighting Anorexia Podcast:
Note: My podcasts are now also available on Stitcher!

055 Fighting Anorexia – How Recovery Changes your Relationships is a post from: Fighting Anorexia

In this episode of Fighting Anorexia, I share 10 steps you can take in order to forgive yourself and those who have hurt you.

What does forgiving even mean?

Here is the definition:

Stop feeling angry or resentful toward (someone) for an offense, flaw, or mistake.

Learning this skill is crucial in recovery. We all hold grudges. We all have baggage. We have all been hurt. We all have setbacks. However, unless we learn to let go of these unhealthy feelings, we’ll never be able to recovery completely and the past will haunt us endlessly.

How to Forgive Yourself

1. Remind Yourself that You Suffer from a Disorder
2. Stop holding yourself to impossible standards
3. Stop letting others expectations hurt you
4. Accept your emotions
5. Forgiveness does not mean condoning wrongdoings

How to Forgive Others

6. Time heals
7. Distance is crucial
8. Work on Your Thoughts
9. Fill the Empty Space Within
10. Holding on only hurts you

Forgiveness is a journey, not a destination!

054 Fighting Anorexia – 10 Steps To Take Towards Forgiveness is a post from: Fighting Anorexia

Every now and then, I feature an inspiring person who has struggled with anorexia at one point in his or her life and has recovered.

I am all about spreading the message of hope because this is something we so often lack.When we’re in such a deep relationship with our eating disorder and these sick thoughts and behaviors take up most of our time and shape our days, it is hard to remember that there is a way out.

I am hoping to inspire and motivate you with these interviews and that you too will see that you can get your life back.

Today, I am honored to share an interview with Jenni Schaefer, who wrote two excellent books on recovery:

Goodbye Ed, Hello Me: Recover from Your Eating Disorder and Fall in Love with Life and Life Without Ed: How One Woman Declared Independence from Her Eating Disorder and How You Can Too, both of which are essential in recovery in my humble opinion!

1. Tell us about how your relationship with Ed.

In dance class at four-years-old, I distinctly remember feeling like I was bigger than the other little girls. What I didn’t know then (but I do now) is that the voice telling me that I wasn’t good enough was actually Ed  (“eating disorder” as first described in my first book, Life Without Ed).

I didn’t question Ed as a child, so “his” voice became louder and stronger as I grew older. I eventually struggled with various types of eating disordered behaviors. I now know that the restricting, bingeing, and purging was really a coping mechanism to deal with low self-esteem, high anxiety, and painful, unrelenting perfectionism.

An eating disorder is emotionally, physically, and spiritually exhausting. The illness affects every aspect of your life. I lost connections with my friends and family. I lost interest in my dreams. My relationship with food and my body was taking everything from me, but the denial associated with my illness was so strong that I did not reach out for help until after college graduation at 22-years-old. One reason I love speaking so much in schools today is to inspire young people to get help now, rather than later. Early intervention can be key.

2. What was the a-ha moment, the moment you knew you had to do something against your eating disorder?

I first realized that I had an eating disorder my senior year in college. I distinctly remember trying to make myself throw up for the first time, and I knew that was a problem. At that point, I started trying to fix myself without telling anyone. But I didn’t getting any better with this do-it-yourself approach to treatment. We all need support along recovery road, so I finally broke the silence and reached out for professional help.

3. What kept you going even in the hardest phases of your recovery?

Hope. I held onto hope that there just might be joy and peace in a life without Ed. (With Ed, there was only pain and chaos.) When I lost hope for myself—and I often did— my family, friends, and treatment team held onto it for me.

4. How did you come up with the idea of your first book “Life without Ed”?

In treatment, I was taught to call my anorexia/bulimia “Ed” (an acronym for “eating disorder”). Treating my eating disorder like a relationship truly helped me, so I wanted to share that idea with others. Life Without Ed was born, in part, from numerous journals and notes that I kept during my recovery process.

5. What do you think are the benefits of giving your eating disorder a name?

The approach of personifying my eating disorder helped me for several reasons. First, I learned that if my eating disorder were a separate entity, then I had my own personality and my own thoughts—I was not an eating disorder. Secondly, the metaphor of Ed gave me hope. I could talk back to Ed and find my own voice. That felt good. Finally, by using the metaphor, my friends and family began to see my eating disorder separately from me. We could all fight against Ed and fight for me!

6. Being a singer, the pressure of having a certain body shape must be extremely high. How do you deal with that today?

Today, I keep my focus on health. I want my body to be strong and resilient. When my body is healthy like this, I actually sing much better! When I was underweight, my voice lacked strength and depth.

7. What is one thing you’d like to tell those who want to get out but are stuck or fear of making the first step?

My advice is to do whatever it takes to tell someone and to get professional help. When I first told my boyfriend, I was so ashamed and embarrassed about my problem that I couldn’t tell him face to face. I actually hid an eating disorder brochure under my couch pillow while I hid under the covers in my bed. Then, I asked him to look under the couch pillow—I wanted to tell him something. This is as close to direct communication as I could get! My boyfriend was extremely supportive. I have since realized that there was nothing to be ashamed about.

Eating disorders are real, life-threatening illnesses that do not discriminate by age, weight, gender, ethnicity, culture, or anything else. If your life is unmanageable or miserable due to your relationship with food and weight, get help. Don’t worry about whether or not you think you fit within a certain eating disorder diagnosis.

8. Any other additional advice you’d like to give my readers?

Never, never, never give up! Full recovery from eating disorders really is possible.  In fact, that is actually why I wrote my latest book, Goodbye Ed, Hello Me: Recover from Your Eating Disorder and Fall in Love with Life. We recover from our eating disorders in order to recover our lives.

Find help, hope, and resources at www.jennischaefer.com and www.facebook.com/lifewithouted.

I hope you enjoyed the interview. What are your thoughts on it? Did it help you see that there is hope?

Interview with Jenni Schaefer is a post from: Fighting Anorexia

053 Fighting Anorexia – Let’s Talk About FAT is a post from: Fighting Anorexia

Having an eating disorder means having a severe lack or even a complete deficiency of self-love. We hate everything about ourselves, our bodies and our lives.

We cannot understand how people would even want to be around us and we can hardly stand living with ourselves. Engaging in eating disordered behavior is a way of numbing ourselves and our feelings in order to temporarily stop this disgusting state of mind.

There are a number of reasons for this kind of self-hatred, too many to go into at this point. But, no matter how severe your hatred for your life, body and soul is, there is always a way to come back to a place of self-love.

I believe that one of the keys to recovery is developing this kind of love in order to be in harmony with yourself again and able to sit with your feelings, your thoughts and your body without going crazy.

Love is the answer, even if it sounds cheesy.

My favorite verse about love is the following. I know it by heart and I am hoping it will inspire you to start the journey towards gaining back the love you once had for yourself. You are worthy of it, even if you can’t believe me yet.

1 Corinthians 13

1If I speak in the tongues^a of men and of angels, but have not love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal.

2If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but have not love, I am nothing.

3If I give all I possess to the poor and surrender my body to the flames,^b but have not love, I gain nothing.

4Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.

5It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.

6Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.

7It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

8Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away.

9For we know in part and we prophesy in part, 10but when perfection comes, the imperfect disappears.

11When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put childish ways behind me.

12Now we see but a poor reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.

13And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.

Love is the Key to Recovery is a post from: Fighting Anorexia

Today’s word of the day is “perfect“, which is layered with so many extremely negative and troubling messages and views that we go on a journey of self-destruction in order to achieve this illusive state of perfection.

I will share a great guest post today that will help you see your true reflection and who you are inside: perfect.

Editor’s Note: This is a guest post by Krisca Te.

The Mirror Lies

Over and over again in the medical journals there are stories of attractive young women who have severely disfigured themselves with self-imposed dieting or purging. They see their emaciated faces and figures and think they are still flawed and unlovable; indeed, that they are still too fat to warrant any love. Though it is not unheard of in men, adolescent girls and young women are by far the greater number who fall victim to this disorder to the tune of about ten to one.

Impossible Examples

Though roots of the disorder can often be traced to causes transpiring in early childhood, today’s culture, that insists that one cannot be too rich or too thin, has a lot to do with the insurgency of the syndrome. Girls and young women who are constantly exposed to ultra-thin body examples of what are supposed to be the glory of feminine beauty, find themselves constantly at war with their bodies so they can emulate this “beauty” – even to the point of becoming rather grotesque.

Causes Versus Symptoms

Anorexia is a strange and self-fulfilling disease, driving otherwise attractive people to become quite ugly resulting from their attempts to be beautiful. Obviously those who suffer can’t see the truth that the mirror imparts. Untreated, victims can come to exhibit all the disease and discomfort common to people being starved to death in a gulag or a concentration camp. Obviously, the restricted diet or purging that ultimately ruins the body is a symptom of the affliction, not the cause.

Body Dysmorphic Disorder (BDD) and Rib Removal

BDD is listed as a mental or emotional disorder that is characterised by excessive attention to an actual or imagined physical flaw. In a past edition of Academic Psychiatry (PsychiatryOnline), a brief historical account of women and body image was posted, abbreviated here:

In earlier times, the harsh environment required large families, so children could help tend the land and do chores. Fertile, physically strong, and able women were valued. In the 19th century, women with tiny waists and large bustles came to be valued. Men wanted to be able to span a woman’s waist with the hands. Emphasis was placed on female fragility. The ideal woman of the time was sickly, prone to headaches; the fine art of fainting was taught in most finishing schools. Women would go as far as having ribs removed to further decrease their waist size. Physically harmful corsets became the height of fashion.

Our Western culture seems to still operate under those constrictive “girdles” to a degree. We are probably fortunate that more women in our modern times don’t succumb to BDD, in spite of the bra-burning feminism that characterised the latter part of the 20th Century.

Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) as Important as Diet

Of course, restoring the patient’s weight is an important first step, but the best treatment includes encouraging and monitoring behavioural change. That is, getting down to why a person can really think that she, or he, is still too fat or too uncomely even when seeing a skeletal reflection in the mirror. The patient has to address the underlying issues of control, perfectionism, and most importantly, self-perception. And it can be a rough row to hoe. After all, treatment must involve body, mind, and, most importantly, spirit:

• Medical Treatment
  Focuses on detecting and treating the many physical complications of the disorder.
• Prescription Medicines
  Anti-depressants may help manage behaviour that threatens life or complicates therapy.
• Nutritional Therapy
  Helps the patient improve the relationship with food, striving for nutritional ideals.
• Botanical Therapy
  Teas, poultices, aromas, and even supplements to offset medical scrip side effects.
• Psychological Monitoring
  Therapy to identify and treat mood and personality disorders.
• Life-Skills Training
  Monitoring day-to-day activity to assist coping more realistically with life’s stresses.
• Body Movement
  Light exercise to get back in touch with the physical self and tend to body care.

12-Step Programs Can Assist Toward Personal Growth

Anorexia is about anxiety, depression, and an obsessive, self-loathing belief that one is unlovable or somehow wrong. As such, it is often helpful for patients to listen to the travails of others like themselves and how they approach life’s problems. More often than not, the whole family or close circle of friends must be a involved with the therapy to make it effective. Many blogs and websites exist that encourage all sorts of activities – poetry or journal-keeping, for instance – so patients can eventually approach a mirror and see a healthy body and a happy soul that can once again be loved – rather than the dingy reflection they used to see.

Krisca Te works with Open Colleges, Australia’s leading provider of TAFE courses equivalent and nutrition courses. When not working, you can find her actively participating in local dog show events – in support of her husband.

Perfection: How To Help Anorexics “See” Their True Reflection is a post from: Fighting Anorexia

Every now and then, I feature an inspiring person who has struggled with anorexia at one point in his or her life and has recovered.

I am all about spreading the message of hope because this is something we so often lack.When we’re in such a deep relationship with our eating disorder and these sick thoughts and behaviors take up most of our time and shape our days, it is hard to remember that there is a way out.

Today’s word fo the June blogging challenge is “crowd” and I couldn’t think of  anybody better than Tracey to represent a force (a VERY positive one) that stands out from the crowd, going her own way and making a huge difference.

I am hoping to inspire and motivate you with these interviews and that you too will see that you can get your life back.

Today the beautiful Tracey of WeRFreedomFighters shares her story.

1.     Tell us something about you. Who are you? What do you do in life? Etc.

I’m a twenty something slightly weird chick living in the north east of England.  I am currently training to be a mental health nurse and work as a support worker on a casual basis.  Previously I’ve done allsorts of jobs from paper rounds to checkout operator, bar maid to low-rent journalism and working with children and teenagers with severe behavioral problems.  I love people and a challenge!  I love animals and like with my two dogs and four cats (who incidentally are the best therapists ever!) and have a passionate heart for challenging the stigmas, inconsistencies and areas od lacking in mental health services.

2.     When and why did your eating disorder start?

I was 13.  I was in a very abusive relationship and I wanted to disappear so I starved.  Ironically as I got smaller, I became more visible which terrified me and catapulted me into bulimia.

3.     What was your biggest fear? Why did you starve yourself?

When I starved myself I think part of it was about claiming the only thing I felt I had left to control – but mostly I just wanted to disappear, I wanted not to be seen because I felt so ashamed and because I was terrified somebody would find out what was happening to me.

4.     When did your healing process start and do you know what made you decide why you wanted to change your life?

In terms of eating disorders and behaviors I think I hit a series of lows with it – stealing laxatives, eating my flat mates birthday cake without permission and then lying about it, having an ‘accident’ related to laxatives.  There was that, but also I had friends who were amazing, who had experienced eating disorders and were in recovery and who told me the realities of what I was doing, offered me support and hope to finding a way out.  I was exhausted and hurting and came to a place where I tried to die.  I think when you’ve been in that place you realize there is nothing left to lose.

5.     Can you tell us more about your healing process?

For me healing was never linear.  I didn’t get better and better.  I improved a lot, but then had a blip and struggled a little.  Then I pushed forward more this is how I healed.  I am still healing.  There are issues, which lie at the root of my ED that I have to deal with, have been dealing with and am dealing with.  I guess for me that’s the thing I want people to realize most, that you have to deal with the root – whatever it is – the emotions, fears, events that triggered your ED and work through them.  Its like weeds – if you don’t pull up the root – they just grow back.

6.     Do you still have a “black list” of items that you won’t it? Or can you now say, you eat everything you want?

I actually don’t have a black list anymore.  I still have a cautiousness and slight unease at events where the meal is a buffet, more I think because of bad memories and because I’m socially anxious at times but other than that there isn’t anything I don’t eat – the thing I rejoice in most is that now when I think of foods and how they taste I don’t recall what they taste like coming back up!

7.     Do you consider yourself healthy now? Do you feel comfortable in your skin?

I’m certainly healthier.  I still have issues I’m working through in terms of how I relate to my body because of the history of abuse.  I remain overweight.  Part of this I think is to do with weight I gained during the ED, part is weight related to medication and other physical health issues.  But I eat properly, healthy, balanced – I walk twice a day with my dogs and do yoga and zumba – exercise that I enjoy and do because it makes me feel good.  I feel more comfortable in my skin.  Not completely comfortable but I embrace myself in a deeper way and with greater ease.  Recovery is a journey not a destination and I’m well on my way.

8.     Do you think that there could be done more in order to prevent eating disorders?

There are SO many things that could be done to prevent eating disorders or at least to catch them before too much damage is done.  I believe that often people have a genetic predisposition which makes them vulnerable, other people experience pre-verbal trauma which impacts them, there’s social pressures, home environments – so many factors which can contribute to an ED.  I think making people aware of the diverse realities of eating disorders is important.  It’s not necessarily emaciated white teenage girls who suffer – sometimes an Ed can’t be seen and people, especially those in the medical profession, need to be aware of that.  I think working with children in building self-awareness, self-esteem, confidence and emotional intelligence is important.  Also treatment options need to be more accessible and accessible faster, as well as there being a greater degree of multi agency working so that people can get the best support possible from the right people simultaneously.

9.    Is there any advice you could give our readers?

No matter what a misguided doctor or a frustrated friend might tell you RECOVERY IS POSSIBLE – there is always hope so long as you hold onto it. Expect that there will be slip-ups in recovery, forgive yourself for these, get up and keep pushing forward. Know that you are not defined by your eating disorder.  That’s important.  Who you are as a person is beautiful, unique and infinitely precious – your ED is something that affects you, something you do, not something you are. Reach out for support, whether you do it online or in real life – reach out and break the silence ED creates – its a step towards freedom.

Standing out from the crowd: Tracey is a post from: Fighting Anorexia

In this episode of Fighting Anorexia, I talk about unleashing your inner force in order to kick your eating disorder’s butt and being your own master again.

I remind you of the sheer force of nature you are and were since the day you were born. I make you realize your power and your accomplishments that started at a very, very young age (minute 0.1) and won’t stop until your life ends.

We go into the following points:

1. Your force and your eating disorder’s force
2. Become aware of YOUR force
3. Believe in your own force
4. Reclaim your force with daily affirmations
5. Schedule one day a week where you do anything within your power to act against the force of your eating disorder
6. Choose a mantra that underlines your own force: I am a warrior.
7. Celebrate every single accomplishment of reinforcing your own force.

If you would like to leave me some feedback, you can mail it to feedback@fightinganorexia.com

You can follow me on twitter: @anneso87

Thanks For Subscribing To The Fighting Anorexia Podcast:
Note: My podcasts are now also available on Stitcher!
Don’t forget to enter promo code FIGHTINGANOREXIA when you register.

052 Fighting Anorexia – How To Unleash Your Inner Force is a post from: Fighting Anorexia

Logical: following or able to follow the rules of logic in which ideas or facts are based on other true ideas or facts.

There are many “facts” your anorexia is telling you throughout its lifetime.

The fact that you are unworthy of love. The fact that you are fat even if you’re close to death. The fact that you are ugly. The fact that you are worthless. The fact that you are superior than others when not eating.

The fact that your life can only be controlled if you continue to restrict. The fact that once you start to eat more, you won’t be able to stop.

And so on and so forth.

Yet, none of those ideas are logical.

But we believe anorexia, don’t we? We believe every single thing this freak is ever telling us without even thinking of questioning it. We don’t wonder whether we could be lovable, no matter our weight.

We don’t doubt the lie that we don’t deserve to live fully. We don’t get suspicious and think that we are just as beautiful and perfect as everybody else. We don’t challenge the concept that we can’t trust our body and that it is going to betray us at the very first chance it gets.

No, we go along, easily being duped by anorexia and letting it win over and over again, no matter how illogical its messages are.

Enough already.

It’s time for your healthy part of the mind to take over again and start thinking logically, start raising questions and doubts. You need logic in order to recover, you need it just as much as you need faith and belief in yourself.

Sounds, well, logical, right? Hmmm, yes, but how is this going to help us?

The more you rely on logic, the more you will be able to talk back to your anorexia.

Anorexia is inherently illogical and every argument it throws your way can be dismissed by using logic and common-sense.

Take a step back and observe the thoughts anorexia makes you think. Try to be as objective as possible, maybe even ask a friend or confidant, when taking apart each and every single thought, action and habit.

Do that exercise over and over again and nurture the healthy part of your brain.

You will soon see that anorexia doesn’t stand a chance against reason and logic.

Anorexia Is NOT Logical is a post from: Fighting Anorexia

As a kid, I hated to be in trouble. I remember how often I started to cry whenever I was caught doing something I knew I shouldn’t have done.

Like the time that my girlfriends and I were caught in the school’s bathroom during a breakfast break by our principal who was anything but pleasant as it were. The rule was to go outside and stay there until the break was over. I hated that rule for two reasons:

First, I hated rules in general because following rules meant to subject to somebody else’s will and that reminded me of my brother’s sick way to rule our entire family.

Secondly, my brother used to beat me up during those breaks, which was not really my most favorite way to spend my breakfast break.

However, getting in trouble was even worse than that. The feeling of shame that used to wash over my entire body like a huge tidal wave was almost unbearable. It made me feel vulnerable, small, unsafe and utterly worthless; a feeling close to how anorexia would later make me feel on a daily basis.

What anorexia refrains from telling you is the fact that it itself is the biggest cause for trouble you’ll ever experience. Sure, at the beginning, it may look like the answer to all of your problems and it’ll feel like a big relief, but rather quickly the problems and troubles caused by this disorder will far outweigh all of the initial advantages.

So, yes, anorexia means trouble with a capital T in many ways: health problems, lies, relationship issues, the crushing of your self-worth, false hopes and values, a lack of life experiences, regrets, theft, money worries and ultimately death.

Anorexia makes you feels safe, superior and great – at the beginning, but it eats at your soul, your brain (yup, you do get dumber the longer you’re anorexic) and your life.

That eating disorder really is a sneaky little bastard, right?

Anorexia means Trouble is a post from: Fighting Anorexia

The honest truth about life with anorexia.

It’s ugly.

It’s limiting.

It’s hurtful.

It’s harmful.

It’s destructive.

It’s miserable.

It’s numb.

It’s oppressive.

It’s hell.

It’s existing, not living.

It’s about missing out on fun.

It’s about missing out on experiences.

It’s about pretending instead of being.

It’s about blaming and not owning.

It’s about living in the shadows instead of stepping out into the sun.

It’s a life not lived.

We don’t talk about these things, do we?

After all, it’s glamorous to have anorexia.

It’s “in” to look emaciated, skeleton-like. It’s a fashion statement to have bones visibly all over your body.

But not only that: Being anorexic is the only way to cope with our life, isn’t it?

We cannot cope with feelings. We don’t deserve to eat. We are not worthy of enjoying life and food. We can only be accepted if we are extremely skinny, otherwise people will see how ugly and disgusting we really are on the inside.

But what about life after an eating disorder? Does it get any better? Do people leave you because you look healthy? Do people judge you because your bones don’t stick out? Do you feel so disgusted by your own body that you’re even more miserable than when you were extremely sick?

I certainly cannot speak for everybody. This would be presumptuous of me and I’d most certainly be wrong. But I can speak for myself and in all honesty, it all gets better.

Sure, there are difficult days. There are weeks when I feel fat, disgusting and unable to cope. But I had those days too when I was terribly thin. So, there is no difference at all.

BUT there are so many more days with bliss, energy, pleasure, delicious food, no exercise, relaxation, fun with my husband and fulfillment with my work.

I look in the mirror and what I see is health. I see a young woman who is vibrant, alive, curvy and ready to take on the world.

I see a transformed girl who is no longer chained by the heartache that living with an eating disorder causes and who does no longer buy into the lies that her brother and the anorexia told her over and over again making her feel worthless.

Life after an eating disorder is not about worrying what the next meal will be and how many calories it will have, but it is about finding your purpose and being on track with just that.

Life after an eating disorder is worth living.

Life with an eating disorder is not.

What are you going to choose?

The Honest Truth about Life with Anorexia is a post from: Fighting Anorexia

Every now and then, I feature an inspiring person who has struggled with anorexia at one point in his or her life and has recovered.

I am all about spreading the message of hope because this is something we so often lack.When we’re in such a deep relationship with our eating disorder and these sick thoughts and behaviors take up most of our time and shape our days, it is hard to remember that there is a way out.

Today’s word of the day is “warrior” and Sia Jane is a great representation of what this word means in real life, which you understand when you read the interview.

I am hoping to inspire and motivate you with these interviews and that you too will see that you can get your life back.

Today the lovely and beautiful Sia Jane shares her story and thoughts on recovery with us.

1. Tell us something about you. Who are you? What do you do in life? Etc.

I am a Post Graduate student in Psychology. I studied Culture and Media Communications at university before deciding on a career as a therapist. I am in the process of looking for work in the mental health field and will also be applying to do my PhD in Clinical Psychology this year.

I do a lot of volunteer work and that varies from youth work to running a self help group for those with Eating Disorders. I am a writer, a photographer, and love to travel. I love languages and books, and learning, and reading. I love fashion and design and feel inspired daily by the world around me. I am 31, very much in love, and very content in my life.

2. When and why did your eating disorder start?

I think it began in my late teens. I struggled in my mid teens with some form of depression but not eating disordered related. When I was 18 I was diagnosed with Anorexia. I had been through a very difficult relationship which meant I didn’t achieve academically, and had to go to a different university.

I was stalked for a long time, and during that time I was very depressed. What started as a few weeks of depression became a terrifying Eating Disorder within weeks. Maybe the Anorexia had been lingering before, as it went from nothing to something over the space of a few months. Through the summer of 2000 I deteriorated rapidly in all ways and had to pull out of university full stop. I was placed in treatment.

3. What was your biggest fear? Why did you starve yourself?

At the time, when it started, I barely realised I wasn’t eating. It just became something i no longer did. Food was nothing to me. I didn’t want it, didn’t feel hungry, and seemed to cope without it. I did work through that summer, and as I worked I realised that it wasn’t normal to not be eating (although my whole life I had known I needed food!) and I started to feel conscious that people were noticing.

I avoided times around food and began to lie. The weight loss and the personality changes in me (from outgoing to withdrawn, chatty to quiet, laid back to very irritable etc) made it clear to those around me that things were not right. I liked that I didn’t need the complications of eating. I liked that I didn’t have to think or feel. I became obsessed with the size of my body. I would measure it and watch television programmes and compare myself.

I felt proud to be underweight. My biggest fear was people knowing because when they did they tried to get me to eat which then led to me purging. I was terrified of food within me. I became obsessed with certain foods being okay and others being totally terrifying. It was like all my fears from life were projected on to food and my body.

The starving became addictive, as did the weight loss. I spent most of my days coming up with means of escaping eating, getting rid of food, lying to those around me, avoiding meals and dinners. It all became its own addictive cycle of starvation. Matched by highs from lack of sleep and food all triggered and perpetuated fears of weight gain and change.

4. When did your healing process start and do you know what made you decide why you wanted to change your life?

I was in treatment within the first few months of my Anorexia. Over the next 4 years I would be hospitalised endless times, engage in therapy, given medication, re-fed, go into residential care and on and on. That itself became its own drama and the whole thing took on yet another life of its own.

Starving, purging, cutting, burning, hallucinating, suicide attempts and a plethora of coping mechanisms meant that I could rarely be left alone. My “moment” as I called it, came a month or so after discharging myself from residential care against medical advice. I remember sitting in my room at home, I was about to turn 23 and I thought, is this it. My arms and legs were covered in burns and cuts. My body was nothing but a cage with no soul within it.

I couldn’t eat, I was depressed, I wished I wasn’t here. Yet again I found myself suicidal, planning my own demise. And then, a little voice came alive. It told me I could do this. Maybe it was a mass of voices from therapists, my parents and friends, but it all came alive in my head.

I wrote down that from this day, I needed to change my life.

I decided this would be the first day of my recovery. And it was. I just started. I started to eat, stop hurting myself and recover. No, I didn’t magically, a week later be recovered, but each day, from that day, I have been in full recovery. Before that I tried, no doubt. I engaged in treatment and in hospital care. I tired. But this time, this time I meant it. This time I was 100% committed to getting better.

5. Can you tell us more about your healing process?

It began that morning in January 2004 and from that day forward I pledged to myself, not everyone else, by myself, that I could and would get better. I had no idea how I did it. I could tell you more about why. But maybe for now I can say how. I started to eat. Yes, simply I started to eat. I told the people around me that I needed support.

I came up with a meal plan based on those I had in patient or advice I had from others. I asked people around me (my mum especially) to help me with portion sizes. I was not afraid to ask for help because I knew I had to reach out, I knew I could do this, but not alone. I started small with the food, and it came in waves.

Some days I could eat better than others. I actually managed to stop self harming all together and didn’t relapse at all apart from a couple of incidences later on. Weight gain was slow, but manageable. Life began to take shape. I started university again and I reconnected with friends (which was so hard because I had isolated so much).

I began to remember the things I enjoyed. I wrote, and drew, danced and laughed. It wasn’t all straight forward. By the end of my first year at university, the perfectionist in me caused a breakdown. So I took a year off. I went travelling, I started to photograph more and more and exhibited and sold work.

I fell in love. I gained in health and strength and self. By 2006 I was healthy and stable. Trauma therapy began in 2005 and was very intense and exhausting. It helped I had the year out from university as I could focus on that and used my photography as a creative outlet. In 2007 I unfortunately relapsed severely with my Anorexia again.

But determined to not let it take over my life, I stayed in therapy and by my graduation in 2008 I was again happy and healthy. I make it all sound so easy, and it really wasn’t. In many respects it was simple. I made a choice. But carrying out that choice is one of the hardest things I have ever done. To fight against oneself in such a way is terrifying, overwhelming, intense, exhausting, but so worth it.

It is now 2012 and I consider myself fully recovered.

I never have eating disordered thoughts, I no longer hurt myself, and I am happy.
I have shifts in mood and remain on medication but I am well, something I never thought I would be able to say.

6. Do you still have a “black list” of items that you won’t eat? Or can you now say, you eat everything you want?

I have nothing I won’t eat. I am literally not afraid of any food. I am vegetarian. I turned vegetarian at the age of 12 years of age based on moral reasons; I don’t agree with how animals are kept, transported and killed. Had organic meat been available then I would have taken that option.

I am not scared to eat meat or fish, I choose not to. I also don’t have animal rennet or gelatine. Going vegan could be a choice, but it is not one I can opt for because I feel it would limit me too much. All the reasons are moral not anything to do with eating disordered behaviour.

7. Do you consider yourself healthy now? Do you feel comfortable in your skin?

I am completely healthy. Physically I am a perfectly healthy weight. Not just for my height but for ME!
I have curves and a woman’s body. I don’t hate my body and in fact, I actually quite love it.

I have moments when I feel self conscious, but that usually isn’t connected to my body. My mind is healthy and I have no eating disordered thoughts, or fears. I am completely 100% happy in the body I have and I actually wouldn’t change it. The only challenge I had with recovery was being a healthy weight in connection to having been raped.

I was scared that having a woman’s body would mean I was more likely to be raped again. I now realise that rape or abuse such as that won’t disappear with weight loss, and won’t happen again because of weight gain. I am happy in the body I am in, very much so.

8. Do you think that there could be done more in order to prevent eating disorders?

I think that in itself is a really complex and difficult question to answer. A lot of the work I do is with those who are already suffering, have confided in me without others knowing; many undiagnosed, or those in recovery. The other work I do is activism in the field of educating professionals, family and friends and also breaking down stigma as to what an Eating Disorder *looks like*.

There is still a massive problem in how Eating Disorders are understood. Anorexia is usually the most focused on and emaciated images flood us, only perpetuated by the media. With regards to prevention, again, an understanding of the issues that can lead to and trigger disordered eating.

Campaigns such as Body Gossip in the UK, are working to help young people feel they can be understood, they can reach out, and they are encouraged to engage in activities that build self confidence and self esteem. By engaging young people in to talk and reach out, there is the potential that they are perhaps less likely to use food as emotional crutch. In the realm of abuse and other such triggers, for me, early intervention is critical.

The sooner an Eating Disorder is recognised the better able treatment options can intervene and hopefully help. As a whole, I am not quite sure what can be done to prevent Eating Disorders because they are such a complex mental health issue, which more often than not come with a myriad of other mental health difficulties.

9. Is there any advice you could give our readers?

If you are a sufferer, reach out. There is no shame in what you are struggling with, and despite what the Eating Disorder says to you, you do deserve help. It may not be easy to access resources and treatment, and that can make recovery incredibly difficult, and in that case reach out to what is around you and allow others to support you and help you access care.

You have to remember that an Eating Disorder is very real and a very serious mental health problem. There are many forms of an Eating Disorder and everyone suffers in a different way. Just because you do not fit in a boxed criteria does not mean in any way that you are not Eating Disordered.

Believe in yourself and if you cannot believe in yourself allow others to, even if it is me typing these words. I believe in you. Yes YOU reading this. I believe you can recover from this terrifying affliction. There is a way out and you will find it. Never ever give up. Never allow yourself to believe that this is all you are worth. You are worth so much more.

A true Warrior: Sia Jane is a post from: Fighting Anorexia

In this episode of Fighting Anorexia, I give you some tips on how to have a conversation with your loved ones about your behaviors and the lies your eating disorder is telling you.

I share with you the following:

1. We can seem a bit crazy to the outside world.

2. I had a very rough week with a lot of crazy behavior.

3. It’s your job to make your friends, partners and everyone else you’d like to know more about your disorder understand.

4. Be honest. There is no right or wrong way, there is only the honest way of communicating.

5. Tell them they can always ask.

6. Have patience with them.

7. Have the conversation over and over again.

If you would like to leave me some feedback, you can mail it to feedback@fightinganorexia.com

You can follow me on twitter: @anneso87

Thanks For Subscribing To The Fighting Anorexia Podcast:
Note: My podcasts are now also available on Stitcher!
Don’t forget to enter promo code FIGHTINGANOREXIA when you register.

051 Fighting Anorexia – Explaining Your “crazy” Behavior to Outsiders is a post from: Fighting Anorexia

Power:

The ability to do something or act in a particular way, esp. as a faculty or quality.

Power has a lot of meanings, especially when it relates to having an eating disorder. Often times, it seems like your eating disorder has all the power over you and you are just a helpless person in the midst of a huge battle.

What if you completely overruled everything you thought you knew about power? What if you changed your perception of power for the rest of your life? What if instead of seeking power, you’d seek vulnerability?

I have certainly had my fair share of struggles with power and the lack thereof. The feeling of not being in control, of uncertainty, of helplessness and hopelessness is horrible and if you’ve experienced it even just once, you’d do anything to never feel this shame again. But embracing the feeling of being vulnerable will help you to become a whole person. A person with life, love, creativity and connection.

My co-host Judy and I talked about the incredible power of vulnerability in our latest episode of the True Beauty Podcast. If you value your life, if you want to grow stronger, healthier and more fulfilled, then you cannot miss this episode.

Giving yourself the gift of being vulnerable, allowing yourself to say that you are enough just the way you are, stopping to pretend, be numb and motionless will bring you back to life in a way you’ve never experienced it before.

The more intimate the relationship with your own powerlessness and the inability of guaranteeing a successful outcome of a certain situation, the more content you will be and the more able you’ll be to live your life in a more productive, efficient and healthy way.

I know that the concept of vulnerability is not easy to grasp, but it is the biggest power you have within yourself.

The Power of Vulnerability is a post from: Fighting Anorexia

When I started to restrict, I wanted to be seen by the world.

I wanted others to tell me how proud they were of my willpower.

I wanted them to comment on the fabulousness of sitting in a restaurant during Christmas time and watching everybody else enjoy the Christmas Dinner while I was staring at an empty plate wanting nothing more than getting a bite of that delicious looking pizza.

I wanted others to see that, yes, I was weak when my brother was beating me up, but I was strong in other areas.

Over time, this longing for “fame” was overshadowed by the wish to simply disappear, not having to live anymore, being gone and never having to open my eyes again.

I didn’t simply want to be invisible, I wanted to be dead.

Yet, when people told me how sick I looked, how skinny I was, how much they worried about my health, I felt exhilarated, affirmed, BETTER than everybody else.

This paradox is real for many of those who struggle with anorexia. On one hand, we don’t want to be, on the other hand, we want the world to acknowledge us and our struggle.

It doesn’t make sense and it’s hard to put into words, but then again, what about having anorexia makes sense, right?

I still struggle with these thoughts of not being superior anymore because now I have a healthy figure and curves. I am not a stick anymore and people don’t tell me that I look sick, emaciated, hardly alive.

Instead, they tell me how proud they are, how relieved they are and how happy they are to see me looking so healthy, well and sparkling.

Wanting to be invisible brought me only negative things: hunger, pain, weakness, bad health, dizziness, yearning and so much more. Stepping out of my comfort zone, raising my voice, realizing my inner brilliance and worth brought me only good things: a platform to help others, confidence, success, bliss, energy, delicious food, a new perspective and a sheer unknown excitement about life.

In the end it is up to you to either run after the illusive goal of invisibility (with all the “positive” messages associated with this state) or fight for your life and be proud of the body you have and the curves that belong to it.

I cannot fight this fight for you, as much as I would like.

I am fighting my own fight, every single day. I am accepting new things about my body every single hour, like the fact that my butt will forever be a bit bigger than I’d like it to be.

Why? Because that is how my great-grandmother’s, my grandmother’s, my mother’s, my aunt’s and my sister’s butts look like (I really hope they’ll forgive me for writing this…).

I am accepting that my upper arms will never be as lean as the ones of a supermodel. Why? Because I am built completely differently: compact, short and perfect just the way I am.

It’s a process to stop wanting to be invisible and start wanting to be seen for the right reasons, not for the fact that you are oh so well in restricting and starving yourself.

It’s a distance you yourself have to go, nobody can do it for you. But it’s not a way that is impossible.

You can do it. You can choose to. You can walk that way one step at a time. Just like me. Just like millions of others all over the world.

I am here for you. I am taking you by the hand (even if it is virtually), but you have to do the hard part. You alone.

Here is a thought though: Being invisible will never ever solve your problems. It will only strengthen them.

So, pull your shoulders back. Hold your head up high. Show the world that you being visible is the biggest gift humans could ever receive.

Why? Because that is exactly the way it is!

What about you? What does the word invisible mean to you? Could you relate to anything I’ve said?

Please share your brilliant thoughts with us! We count on you!

Anorexia: Wanting to be Invisible But Seen is a post from: Fighting Anorexia

Recovery is all about change, isn’t it? You have to change your entire life in order to recover from your eating disorder.

It’s scary. It’s new. It’s difficult. It’s something nobody wants to do.

But it’s the only way out. The only way forward.

To be quite honest, I’ve had a very difficult week. My hubby and I celebrated our 2-year email anniversary on Monday with a big yummy lunch at a beautiful place near Zurich.

It was delicious, but I’ve been struggling with the aftermath the entire week.

I’ve felt guilty, fat, disgusting, like a pig. My pants felt tight, my belly huge, my face fat (all of it imaginary, just to make sure you understand!), my self-worth gone.

I restricted, then fell back, restricted again, fell back again. Overexercised. Relented. Overexercised again. Relented once more.

And here I am. It’s Friday evening. I haven’t done anything today, nor yesterday. Well, nothing productive anyway. Emails didn’t get answered (actually not for several weeks now). Blog posts didn’t get written. Books didn’t get turned into Kindle versions. Life was put on hold.

What does this have to do with change?

Well, stay with me, OK?

This afternoon I had a meeting with the President of the Swiss Network for Eating Disorders. That’s when it hit me. I had changed. I had come a long, long way in the past year. I have grown into a young woman with a purpose, an agenda, a mission. I didn’t have to engage in eating disordered behavior anymore in order to fill my empty life.

My life was already filled with excitement, purpose and work that needed to be done. A pound extra on my hips (imaginary as it is) wouldn’t take all of that away.

I had changed. I had grown. I had evolved.

Do you know what the best part is?

You can change too!

You just have to want it really, really, really bad. And I know that you do!

Well, that’s all good, but what does change mean practically? How does it affect my life?

Let me give you a few hints on what change really means (at least for me):

Change means…

never giving up.

always evolving.

throwing away the old and accepting the new.

taking on new challenges.

letting go of that old pair of jeans and buying yourself a new one (which I’ll have to do! Wish me luck!!!)

being excited about the uncertainty.

not fearing what’s ahead.

letting go of the known.

fighting for your future.

going with the flow.

tapping into what scares you the most.

excitement.

looking the beast that lives inside yourself in the eyes, staring it down, telling it that it doesn’t have any power over you anymore.

wanting to live.

putting on a few pounds and accepting yourself that way.

not thinking your worth is tied to your weight.

loving yourself for who you are.

embracing your body for what it is.

eating.

starting.

stopping.

going.

never giving up.

living.

What does change mean to you?

How do you view change in the eyes of recovery?

Recovery: What does Change have to do with it? is a post from: Fighting Anorexia

The previous 30 days have been very eye-opening, inspirational and challenging. It’s not easy to come up with a blog every single day. It has taken a lot of energy. You know that I am creating 3 books, a 21-part newsletters and a Body Image Revolution course and blogging every single day next to having these responsibilities was a challenge. But it has shown me that one can go far beyond one’s perceived limitations.

But I learned a lot about myself and even more important, I learned a lot about YOU. I am so grateful that you have been so kind in sharing whatever you thought about a certain topic. You can still go back to the previous 30 posts and still share what you think about them. The more comments the better.

This blogging challenge has shown me once more how much I love what I am doing and how much I love you. You inspire me, you keep me going, you are helping me and you are simply incredibly strong and real fighters.

In the last 30 days I opened my eyes to many new areas that have to do with eating disorders. I developed even more strategies to teach you to love yourself and fight even harder for you. I wrote about extremely inspiring, interesting and important topics, some of them I would not have come up with on my own. I surprised myself often in thinking completely differently and come up with ideas for a topic that I never thought I would.

It was great to have this community of bloggers who are participated in this challenge and in this important revolution. The most interesting discovery was that everybody always came up with a different view, unique ideas and suggestions.

If there was one thing I would like you to take away from this challenge, then it is this: Change happens every single day. It can happen to you too. Never give up hope and always keep on fighting!

The moment you lose hope, your chances of recovery reduce drastically. Don’t let this happen. Make a promise to yourself today!

The previous days have been especially rewarding for me, but I would like to hear from you what this daily blogging has done for you.

Was it annoying? Helpful? Inspiring? Overwhelming?

Reflections is a post from: Fighting Anorexia

 I recorded the video above in November 2011, so exactly half a year ago. As you saw, it says that someday I will love me for the way I am.

Since I recorded this video, I have made tremendous progress towards loving myself and looking in the mirror seeing a beautiful women. I don’t want to sound cocky, but that is what I am. That is what every women and every guy is. It has been an incredible journey since that moment. I encourage you to write down dreams and prepare a list of someday you will do this or that.

I haven’t seen the film yet, but I hope to get a chance to do that very soon. If you have the chance, if you live in the US, then don’t miss this opportunity and watch the Someday Melissa film. I am sure it is extremely inspiring and moving.

I still have a few things that I would like to do someday, so I am going to write them down here, even though I am far down the road of recovery. But still, we all have wishes beyond recovery, don’t we?

Someday I…

will have children.

will teach my children what it is like to love themselves and to feel beautiful no matter your shape or size.

will be a good cook.

will have a very successful business.

will make sure that my Body Image Revolution will reach women all around the world.

will do my best to help every single woman love her body.

will work hard to make the media will stop hating on women.

will publish a physical book.

will see my eating disorder as just another chapter of my life.

will be completely free.

Have you ever created a list like this?

Would you like to share with us what your list of dreams, wishes, hopes and possible actions for the future are? I am a curious person and would LOOOOOVE to read your comments!

Someday I… is a post from: Fighting Anorexia

I had a hard time deciding which song to choose for this post. I was going back and forth between Destiny’s Child’s “Survivor” or Lady Gaga’s “Born This Way”. Both are songs that I relate a lot to and have helped me find perspective, strength, courage and a myriad of inspiration.

But I ended up choosing “Survivor” as my song since that is what I am, what WE all are. The lyrics describe the freedom of having gotten away from the horrible prison that Ed put me in and how I am laughing him in the face, showing him that he is nothing but a little sucker who has no power over me whatsoever. I hope it inspires you and if you want to feel really, really, REALLY empowered listen to this song every morning to get into the right fighting mood.

The lyrics with my commentary!

Now that you’re out of my life
I’m so much better (oh yes I am, you tiny little bastard!)
You thought that I’d be weak without you 
But I’m stronger (HAHA)

You thought that I’d be broke without you
But I’m richer (the amount of  money I gave up because of YOU for ruining my body can’t even be counted. But that’s OVER)
You thought that I’d be sad without you
I laugh harder (oh, how often and LOUD I laugh)

You thought I wouldn’t grow without you (You held me back, a**hole)
Now I’m wiser (infinitely more wise!)
Though that I’d be helpless without you (You are helpless, which is why you destroy lives! Coward!)
But I’m smarter  (whereas you are the one standing there completely out of your wits)

You thought that I’d be stressed without you 
But I’m chillin’ (who’s stressed now??? haha)
You thought I wouldn’t sell without you
Sold 9 million

I’m a survivor
I’m not goin’ give up 
I’m not goin’ stop 
I’m goin’ work harder 

I’m a survivor 
I’m goin’na make it
I will survive
Keep on survivin’ 

Thought I couldn’t breathe without you
I’m inhaling (deeper than EVER before)
You thought I couldn’t see without you
Perfect vision (How great the world looks without you altering my view!)

You thought I couldn’t last without you
But I’m lastin’
You thought that I would die without you (LIER!!!)
But I’m livin’ (and how much more fulfilled, happy and fully)

Thought that I would fail without you
But I’m on top (Prospered without you more than ever before! Take that!)
Thought it would be over by now
But it won’t stop (I am just BEGINNING!!!!)

Thought that I would self destruct (NO WAY, YOU are the one who is self-destructing)
But I’m still here (You aren’t, haha!!!)
Even in my years to come
I’m still goin’ be here

I’m wishin’ you the best (No, absolutely not!)
Pray that you are blessed (Nope!)
Bring much success, no stress, and lots of happiness (The opposite is what I wish for you)

I’m not goin’ blast you on the radio (but I’ll do it on the internet!)
(I’m better than that) (no, not when it comes to you!)
I’m not goin’ lie on you and your family (because you have none. awww)
(I’m better than that)

I’m not goin’ hate on you in the magazines (Yes, I will!)
I’m not goin’ compromise my Christianity (I don’t really have one)

You know I’m not goin’ diss you on the internet
‘Cause my mama taught me better than that (No, she taught me to fight you will all of my power!)

After of all of the darkness and sadness
Soon comes happiness (YES! VERY SOON! DON’T LOSE HOPE)
If I surround my self with positive things (lots of them)
I’ll gain prosperity (and HEALTH)

You’re a survivor 
You’re not goin’ give up 
You’re not goin’ stop 
You’re goin’ work harder 

You’re a survivor
I’m goin’ make it 
You will survive 
Keep on survivin’

Recovery: This Is My Song is a post from: Fighting Anorexia

There remains, still, an almost glamourized myth surrounding eating disorders. Write a
bracing reality check based on your experiences of eating disorders. Consider how it felt to
suffer and the things your eating disorder cost you, as well as the damage it left you with,
how hard recovery was etc.

050 Fighting Anorexia – Reality Check! is a post from: Fighting Anorexia

In this episode of Fighting Anorexia, we make a reality check and talk about the glamour factor that anorexia still possesses, but also about all the people known worldwide and how they dealt with the sheer unachievable standards of beauty the media portrays: with falling into an eating disorder.

Celebrities with eating disorders. 

If you would like to leave me some feedback, you can mail it to feedback@fightinganorexia.com

You can follow me on twitter: @anneso87

Thanks For Subscribing To The Fighting Anorexia Podcast:
Note: My podcasts are now also available on Stitcher!

050 Fighting Anorexia – Reality Check is a post from: Fighting Anorexia

I can’t believe that I graduated after all.

I can’t believe that I’ve lived in the US twice.

I can’t believe I survived my childhood.

I can’t believe I (almost) beat anorexia.

I can’t believe I can eat a Snickers bar or two without feeling like I have to kill myself.

I can’t believe that I founded my own company with blogs, podcasts and my own products.

And most of all, I can’t believe that I have so many loving, kind, compassionate and strong listeners and readers who so graciously walk this way with me as they are walking their own difficult path.

Struggling to regain control over your life is hard (which is even an understatement). It often feels overwhelming and seemingly undoable, which is why we never try in the first place, right?

Yet, you can develop coping skills. You can learn to live with a belly that isn’t screaming for nutrition. You can still love yourself even if you don’t walk around almost fainting because you’re so malnourished.

A year ago exactly, I had to leave my treatment program for anorexia because I hadn’t gained enough weight in 4 weeks. I was devastated, of course, and they relocated to a new ward. I was suicidal and at a very low point. I felt like I could never go on and live again. In fact, I didn’t want to make changes anymore, it was all too much for me.

But then I reminded myself of my goals and I started to fight again.

When I looked back now at those weeks, I shudder with agony for the girl I was and what I went through. BUT it was ALL  worth it.

Why? Because today I am alive. I am healthy. I am happy. I love fully. I give graciously and I full of purpose.

And I am surrounded by YOU.

I can’t believe I am at the point I am at, but I have earned my every step towards this place.

AND YOU CAN TOO.

Is there something you’d like to share that you didn’t believe you could do?
Inspire us with your accomplishments! 

I Can’t Believe That I… is a post from: Fighting Anorexia

For those of you who know me, the book that I am going to review is quite obvious. You know, or most of you do, that Portia de Rossi‘s book “Unbearable Lightness” has been the catalyst in helping me to realize that there is something very wrong with me and I need help and can even get it. I am not alone. Somebody shared the similar experiences as I am still experiencing and she got out of it even though it was a difficult struggle. But now she is free.

Portia explains her story very candid, very open. If you are easily triggered, you may not want to read “Unbearable Lightness” until you are really ready for recovery. If you are serious about recovery though, I recommend you reading this book because Portia shares not only what she went through and how draining her time with her eating disorder was.

But she also goes into the details of how terrible it was to keep her struggle a secret at the same time as being on a TV show, which required to have to fit into certain sizes (and we all know how unrealistic those are). She describes very well how strangling the pressure was.

Portia’s vivid portrayal of the erratic behavior we often have when we think we ate one calorie too many or we think we let ourselves go is incredible and so relatable that you almost feel you’re with her while it is going on.

Portia doesn’t gloss over the medical effects her behavior had on her body. For her, nothing too serious happened, but not everybody is exactly that lucky as we all know.

For me reading Unbearable Lightness was a wake-up call and it was the starting point of a long story to health. I read this book in one take.

I bawled throughout the entire experience of taking Portia’s struggle in. I’ve read it many times since because I just can relate to how so many things like how she gets up in the morning and the first thing she does is calculating how much she ate yesterday and figures out whether she has to punish herself today.

Also, her portrayal of her obsessive workouts super early in the morning, during lunch breaks and all of these insane behaviors we have when we are controlled by an eating disorder.

It is an incredible book with a very hopeful message at the end. I wouldn’t have gotten help, wouldn’t have believed that recovery is possible had I not read her book and I’ll be forever grateful to Portia for having written it.

Unbearable Lightness: ED Sufferer Book Review is a post from: Fighting Anorexia

Sometimes pictures express more than a thousand words, which is why I chose to simply show you what helped me through the dark days of recovery.

How about you? Which tips and tricks do you have for us?

Recovery Toolbox is a post from: Fighting Anorexia

Having a conversation with the parents of someone who is struggling with an eating disorder can be very challenging and delicate. I had to learn that from first-hand experience.

Why can’t you just stop?

Why is recovery taking so long?

Look at this friend of yours and how confident she is in her body and how full of joie de vivre she is. Why can’t you be like this?

Just eat already?

Why are you not yet performing on a level like healthy people?

Why are you doing this to yourself?

Can’t you see what you’re doing to us? 

Sentences like this are very common among parents or relatives because they just don’t understand. And how could they, right? They’re extremely privileged not to live in this cage we our locked in. It is completely understandable that they are frustrated, worried and maybe even a bit annoyed.

This is why the dialogue between families is so crucial. Having their support often makes a huge difference in recovery and the way towards a stable, healthy life.

The one thing that I would like to tell all parents is to not pressure their children too much. Of course, there has to be a certain level of challenging your child, but it should always be done in a very loving way. Tell them why you’d like them to eat and why you don’t intend to make them fat (which is what we often think!). Tell them you fear for their health and life and can’t stand the thought of losing them.

Don’t tell them that they are so skinny that they’re hardly noticeable anymore as this reinforces the eating disordered thoughts and produces a feeling of pride and accomplishment.

And my most important advice is to connect with your children beyond the constant subject of food, eating, weight, etc. Notice them as a person, ask them about their likes and dislikes. Start a dialogue and just show them how much you love them. The omnipresent subject of recovery causes so much stress and resistance inside that conversing about something completely different is a huge relief and much needed break from all the pressure!

Tell me, what would you like your parents said to you or acted like?

Parent Conference is a post from: Fighting Anorexia

“If you don’t love yourself, you cannot love others. You will not be able to love others. If you have no compassion for yourself then you are not able of developing compassion for others.” – Dalai Lama

I value this quote because despite what we are taught, believe and even think we’re doing, we won’t understand the full capacity of loving and feeling for others if we don’t first love ourselves.

We have to cultivate self-love, not only because that way we can cherish others more deeply, but also because it is an invaluable part of recovery.

You will never fully recover if you hold on to your self-hatred and feelings of worthlessness. In order to let go of your anorexia you need to go on a deep journey of discovering your true self. Consider what you like, what you dislike, what you value, what you dream of, how you view politics, religion and other aspects of the world. The best way to do this important self-reflection is by either coaching or journaling.

Compassion is another aspect we so often lack not only in recovery but also when we’re still very sick. Be kind to yourself. Remind yourself that you’re not choosing this fate and that relapses and bad days happen to everyone. Be patient, even if this is the last thing in the world you want to be.

The more you get to know yourself the more you’ll understand your eating disorder, your moods, your feelings, reactions and decisions. The more you will feel compassion for your emotions, the easier it will get to accept them just as they are.

The love that results from you falling intimately in love with yourself and developing a deep sense of kindness will fill your world and those of your loved ones with abundance, joy and peace of mind. It won’t happen over night and the world will not be one full of bliss, but everything will get easier because you’ll act out of a deep sense of confidence, respect and, well, love.

Choose A Quote That Means Something to You is a post from: Fighting Anorexia

When I went into recovery, I thought I WAS my eating disorder. I thought that my identity was tied to my horrible illness. And yet, over time I learned that I was NOTHING like that beast that tortured me for such a long time.
However, at the beginning it is almost impossible to differentiate between yourself and Ed and it is extremely frustrating not to be able to fathom who is who. But it is not completely impossible, it just takes a bit of soul-searching, which is what we’re going to do today.

It is extremely important to find out who YOU are in order to let your eating disorder go. The stronger your sense of self becomes, the more confident you’ll be and the more strength and reason you’ll have to fight!

Take some time for yourself today and answer these questions. You’ll feel amazing afterwards and Ed will have no chance to take away your skills, talents, knowledge and awesome character traits away from you!!!

Keep YOU and Kick ED is a post from: Fighting Anorexia

In this episode of Fighting Anorexia, I talk about 5 people who were huge blessings in my life and played an important part in my recovery.

1. My husband who showed me that there is something to live for.

2. My sister who has been there from the beginning with a lot of patience, love and inspiration.

3. My mother who has never given up on me.

4. My caregiver at the treatment facility who took me under her wings and had a myriad of patience and acceptance for me.

5. My current therapist who is responsible for me being able to make such great progress and helps me come to terms with and make sense of my emotions.

If you would like to leave me some feedback, you can mail it to feedback@fightinganorexia.com

You can follow me on twitter: @anneso87

Thanks For Subscribing To The Fighting Anorexia Podcast:
Note: My podcasts are now also available on Stitcher!

049 Fighting Anorexia – Healers With Heart is a post from: Fighting Anorexia

Silence. There are two sides to this loaded word.

Of course, there are times when silence is extremely beneficial and opens your mind to new ways of thinking and your eyes to new discovering to make. I am in love with my daily 10-minutes of meditation. It feels like the world is at my feet and I the day so full of opportunities that I often wish it had more than 24 hours.

However, then there is the destructive, sometimes deadly side of silence. When you have an eating disorder or any other mental illness, you feel a deep sense of shame and often hide your problems, struggles and heartaches for way too long.

You often pretend that everything is fine and it looks worse than it is, but deep inside you’re dying.

It’s important to speak up, to confide in someone, anyone you feel close to. There is nothing shameful about having an illness. There is nothing weak about seeking help. In fact, it’s a great sign of strength and a step in the right direction when you can be honest with yourself and others.

Breaking the silence is essential for recovery and to heal inside. The feeling of relief and freedom that washes over you when you’ve finally spoken the words out loud is like a refreshing glass of ice-cold water after having been deprived of liquid for days.

That’s why I am such a proponent of therapy or other support systems. You have to have an outlet. You have to speak the words.

Silence in matters of threat, illness or any other problems is destructive and often the one thing that stands in the way of finding a solution.

What have you been silent about? What were the consequences because of it?

The Sound of Silence is a post from: Fighting Anorexia

There was a young girl scared to live,

Who thought the world nothing worth to give. 

She awoke one day and saw

The beauty of life in awe. 

That’s when she started to forgive.

This was a fun little creative exercise. I’d love for you to create your own limerick and if you’re brave enough to post it here. Limericks work as follows:

Limericks consist of five anapaestic lines.
Lines 1, 2, and 5 of Limericks have seven to ten syllables and rhyme with one another.
Lines 3 and 4 of Limericks have five to seven syllables and also rhyme with each other.

Get creative, my friends!

Love Life Limerick is a post from: Fighting Anorexia

I see her getting smaller and smaller. I see her eyes losing all the hope she ones had. I see her mood deteriored.

She beating herself up over having a C in a stupid test. She’s studying like an obsessed person starting while eating breakfast. She doesn’t take breaks, doesn’t eat properly, doesn’t care.

Where is my sister? I am scared. What can I do? I feel helpless.

I’ve tried, haven’t I? I’ve offered her support. I’ve created relaxation practices for her, tried to give her a perspective on her talents, gifts and future life, but she doesn’t listen. Or can’t she?

The years go by and nothing, not a single thing has changed.

Now she’s lying in bed 24/7 while I am going to school. She frustrates me. That has been going on for too long. Too many years of suffering. I want my sister back, the one who dance with me, who was silly with me, laughed with me and didn’t have that tortured look in her eyes. I wish I could force her out of bed and confront her with reality.

She doesn’t care about me, only looks after herself. I need her too. I need my older sister more than ever now. I wish I could make my brother go away in order to make everything good at least once in our lives. I wish I could show her how beautiful she is on the inside and that her body size does not matter at all.

I wish she would grow more confident and become the girl she used to be.

I visited her in college last week and what I saw shook me to the care. I couldn’t help but exclaim at her skeleton-like frame. I tried to talk her into going to a treatment facility. Taking a few months for herself would be life-saving for her, but she’s still not waking up, keeps telling us everything is just fine.

Will she die? What will happen in the future? Will she ever be there for me the way I am trying to be there for her? I am scared and lonely and disappointed at the same time and yet I need to live my own life, go my own way and that’s what I’ll do.

Her visit here in Cameroon was something I had looked forward to for such a long time. I wanted to show her not only my boyfriend, but also where I’ve been living for the past months. Sure, we had fun, but she looks more emaciated than ever before. I had hoped her marriage would change things, but it seems that it’s only gotten worse. I got so frustrated with her when once again all she ate was a bit of vegetables while I wanted to share a pizza with her. Why does this stupid, disgusting eating disorder ruin everything?

Why doesn’t she finally change?

I’ve seen her for the first time since she went into treatment. She doesn’t really look much different, but I am elated that she has finally seen how sick she has been for 14 years. I wish her eating disorder hadn’t ruined her youth, but at least she’s getting help now.

It’s amazing how far she’s come in only a year. Our brunch last week was so much fun and she ate just like my mom and I. I am so glad that this episode is at least much more resolved than ever before and I know that she will never go back. I can see it in her eyes. I have my sister back and what more can I ask for?

It shows that it’s never too late to fight back and that there is always hope.

Changing Places is a post from: Fighting Anorexia

Life with an eating disorder is frustrating, hopeless, irritating and full of fear. I never felt optimistic about anything. School scared the heck out of me. Graduation seemed terrifying. Youth was there for adults to humiliate you. Life seemed to be about suffering, worries and constant sadness.

That was my attitude. Those were the effects of what anorexia told me and made me see.

Now I am living each day with an excitement that I had never experienced before. I am up before dawn and work on projects that I am extremely passionate about (an empowering email Newsletter, a book called “Diet for the recovering anorexic”, a Body Image Revolution Class, a book about the benefits of social media on recovery and my lessons of one year of recovery). I can hardly keep up with myself, but I now know that life is incredible. It’s fun. It’s full of possibilities, opportunities and everybody has the power to make a dent in the universe if only we fight hard enough.

Whatever it is your eating disorder is telling you about life. However depressed you feel. Make a leap of faith and just image what life could really look like.

So, here is my question for you tonight:

Think about what you feel pessimistic about, frustrated about or are struggling with, either
now or at some point in the past. What were/are those issues? What stops/stopped you
from making changes? What do you need/ did you need to confront those issues? Can you

make plans to take steps to change? If you have done this, were you able to make
changes? What challenges can you set yourself for the future? (Remember to make them
realistic and achievable!)

I’d love to hear your comments and thoughts (I may even turn them into either a podcast, blog post or a video one day!).

Attitude Makeover is a post from: Fighting Anorexia

You cannot BE FAT.

Fat is a substance and you can’t ever be a substance!

Whenever you feel fat, ask yourself what you are really feeling in this moment.

Scared? Tired? Frustrated? Jealous? Lonely? Anxious? Depressed? Tired?

What is the root cause of your feeling?

I always felt inadequate, lonely, depressed and simply not enough and all of that translated into feeling obnoxiously fat. However, now that I’ve learned that those were just interpretations of the mind, it is so much easier to cope with whatever it is that I am really feeling.

Your body and mind is telling you something when you’re feeling fat. Take a moment for yourself, breathe and figure out what is really going on and if you can be proactive about it and change your situation and emotions.

Have you figured out what you are really feeling when the thought enteres your mind that you are truly really fat? I’d love to hear your thoughts.

Fat is NOT a feeling… is a post from: Fighting Anorexia

I tried to write this post over and over again, but I always reverted back to one of my all-time favorite songs of Pink.

I have been a fan of her since her very first song, have seen her in concert (which was on of the best concerts I’ve ever had the pleasure to see and I’ve been to uncountable ones) and am in awe of her voice and work.

Pink has carried me through many dark, dark years and I could always relate to her music because her family issues, her struggles, her lyrics hit so close to home.

Her songs remain the most played songs ever in my playlist and I don’t think this will ever change. I must have listened to “Conversations with my 13 Year Old Self” thousands of times sobbing uncontrollably.

Since I am not as genius with words as Pink is, I am just going to post the lyrics, with the disclaimer that reading them rips my heart out because it feels like I was the one putting all of that on page.

You’re angry
I know this
The world couldn’t care less
You’re lonely
I feel this
And you wish you were the best
No teachers
Or guidance
And you always walk alone
You’re crying
At night when
Nobody else is home

Come over here and let me hold your hand and hug you darling
I promise you that it won’t always feel this bad
There are so many things I want to say to you
You’re the girl I used to be
You little heartbroken thirteen year old me

You’re laughing
But you’re hiding
God I know that trick too well
You forget
That I’ve been you
And now I’m just the shell
I promise
I love you and
Everything will work out fine
Don’t try to
Grow up yet
Oh just give it some time

The pain you feel is real you’re not asleep but it’s a nightmare
But you can wake up anytime
Oh don’t lose your passion or the fighter that’s inside of you
You’re the girl I used to be
The pissed off complicated thirteen year old me

Until we meet again
I wish you well
Little girl

It’s not like I was a rebellious kid or my parents were always absent, but I feel the pain of fighting all alone, without hope, pretending you’re fine when you are anything but that.

I so wish I could have reached out to my little me and given her the love, encouragement, hope and SAFETY she so desperately needed.

I wish I could have held her, comforted her and told her that one day, she’ll have am incredible husband, the love of my life obviously, TRUE friends and a purpose in life.

I wish I could have told her to not give up on herself and keep going strong because the future would be full of love, laughter, excitement and a community of people who love her for who she is.

I wish I could have told her that she is changing people’s lives in the small way she can, but that her life will not go by completely unnoticed.

I wish I could have told her that soon, I’d have soul-mates like Winnie, Maggie, who are so similar to how I think and share the same interests.

I wish I could have told her that through Lost, I’d make friends all around the world who have gone on more than one adventure with me and who will forever my near and dear to my heart. The list of names would be too long to mention here, but you know who you are!

I wish I could have told her that through blogging I’d get to know incredible souls like Bernando Medez or Farnoosh Brock (who I share sometimes spookily many similarities with…).

That’s what I’d have written in a letter to my little me.  But I can’t compete with Pink, which is why her words are far more powerful than my own.

A Letter to Little Me is a post from: Fighting Anorexia

In this episode of Fighting Anorexia, I talk about Crimes against Clients. I share my personal experience and those of my listeners and readers.

I go into the following points:

• Weight

  There are many patients who experience not being helped because they are not underweight. People can starve themselves even if they are not underweight. It doesn’t mean that those who are underweight are more sick than those who are not. Everybody who eats disorder is in danger.

• Age

  The perception that eating disorders can’t happen to older people is absolutely wrong. If your doctor doesn’t take care of you because you’re not a teenage girl, then see another physician. Everybody deserves to be treated, no matter the age.

• Money

  It is so sad to see that people are still denied treatment because of their financial background. However, there are many ways to receive treatment. Don’t take no for an answer.

• Not Being Taken Seriously

  I wasn’t taken seriously by  a few doctors, including my own father. I think physicians are still not educated enough to see the signs of eating disorders. If you feel like your therapist isn’t listening to you or is thinking you are making stuff up, then look for another one. You don’t have to be belittled. Your professional help should always be understanding and should take your feelings very seriously.

• Being Ridiculed

  My therapist once laughed at me. Yes, he really did. That’s when I gave up on myself. Whatever you are experiencing, if you don’t completely trust your therapist or doctor or if you feel you cannot tell them what is really on your mind, then the therapy process will be extremely difficult. You should always be confident that your doctor has your back.

• Gender

  As I shared in last week’s episode, men are treated especially bad because of the stigma surrounding eating disorders.

It is up to us to change the dialogue and make people aware of what it is they should and can expect from their physician. Don’t let them walk all over you. You are the one who needs help and you deserve to get it.

What crimes have you experienced in the past or maybe even the present?

If you would like to leave me some feedback, you can mail it to feedback@fightinganorexia.com

You can follow me on twitter: @anneso87

Thanks For Subscribing To The Fighting Anorexia Podcast:
Note: My podcasts are now also available on Stitcher!

048 Fighting Anorexia – Crimes Against Clients. is a post from: Fighting Anorexia

There are three people that come to mind when I think of role models: my sister, my husband and Portia de Rossi.

Let me explain…

My sister has always, always been my biggest rock, my soul mate and the girl I looked up to despite her being three years younger than me. I love her drive, her confidence, her ability to embrace life in ways I thought I never could. Spending the weekend with her has shown me yet again how wonderful she is. She was there in the darkest hours of my life, never ever turning against me, but trying to help me in every way she could. I love her to pieces and hope that one day I will be at least half as compassionate, loving and kind as she is.

My husband is a role model when it comes to changing your relationship with food and your body. You see, when I met my husband, he was a very, very extreme eater as well. He didn’t touch carbs, had a body of a man half his age, worked out radically and basically drove me (unwillingly, of course) to go even deeper into my anorexic behaviors. However, once I opened up to him and started telling him how desperate I was to get help, he changed his habits in order to help me get out of that hell.

I will forever be grateful to him for doing that for me and showing that yes, it is possible to change and it is OK to eat whatever you like without being judged.

Portia de Rossi is a role model because she was the one who opened my eyes that I needed help. I read her book in the fall of 2010, sobbing all the way through. I could relate to almost everything she was saying and it was as if she was reading my mind. Her story gave me hope and it was then that I knew for the very first time that I had a very serious illness and needed to make a change.

It’s important to have role models in your life. It’s important to let yourself be inspired. You won’t be able to move forward in recovery unless you see that somebody else has already achieved whatever it is you are yearning to do.

How about you? Do you have role models too?

Role Model Roll Call is a post from: Fighting Anorexia

In a few short minutes, I’ll head out the door and take a train to visit my sister. I haven’t seen her in a while and I am super excited to spend tonight and tomorrow morning with her.

Why am I telling you this?

Well, the thing is that this is a huge step for me. Not only will I cook with her tonight, but we will also do brunch with our mom tomorrow. You see in the past this would have freaked me out. I would have to up my abuse of laxatives and the night at my sister’s would have been nothing short of a nightmare with cramps and shame.

I would have been extremely tense throughout our conversations and especially during dinner and brunch. My thoughts would not follow the conversation, they’d add up calories over and over again guessing how much that slice of bread or the bowl of noodles had.

Today, however, the situation is completely different.

I am excited about tonight. I am looking forward to brunch tomorrow and I cannot wait to have a girl’s night out with my baby sister. It’s going to be a much needed break of routine and I will enjoy every single moment of it. I’ve been going through the motions, although completely fulfilled for a while now doing the same stuff every single day. I know that that is life and I am not complaining, but I’ve been longing for a break, a tiny occasion to reinvigorate and get a new perspective. I couldn’t have wished for more than to link that with a new challenge in recovery.

I am not scared anymore. I am not filled with eating disordered thoughts. I am not paranoid with the idea that I’ll come home weighing more than before.

I am just thrilled to live like “normal” people.

That’s why recovery is so very awesome!

Freestyle is a post from: Fighting Anorexia

Your eating disorder is not your friend. Your eating disorder is your worst enemy. No matter what Ed/Ana/Mia tells you, it’s a lie. Eating disorders are inherently belittling, deceiving, mean creatures.

They promise you that everything will get better if you only listen to their sweet words, but in reality everything gets worse if you follow their path.

They paint a picture of perfection, glory and accomplishment that goes far beyond what every other human being can achieve. They make you feel superior. They more you feel in control. They make you cope with life.

What they don’t tell you is that there is not a nugget of truth in what they say.

They don’t tell you about the misery. They don’t tell you about death. They don’t tell you about the loneliness. They don’t tell you about all the horrible consequences of starving yourself.

They do not tell the truth.

Don’t believe what is going on in your head.

Claim your spot again.

Claim your voice.

Take over YOUR LIFE again.

Stop listening to the toxic voice of your eating disorder.

Life can be great. Life can be fun. Life can be lived without obsessing over calories and weight. It’s up to you to make that a reality.

You have the power. You have the strength. You can STOP the relationship with your eating disorder.

I believe in you.

I know you have power.

I know you are brilliant.

I know you are kind.

I know you have a lot to offer the world.

I know you have the strength to fight back and zone in on what is really going on in your life.

I know that once recovered you will have the most fulfilled, happy and healthy life; a life you’ve always dreamed out.

It’s time you start believing that too.

I want you to understand that… is a post from: Fighting Anorexia

5 Words on My Experience with Anorexia:

Misery

I cannot describe those 14 years in other words but misery. I was miserable from the moment I woke up until the moment I went to sleep. Everything felt worthless. Life seemed to be about agony. I couldn’t see what other people found so worth-wile about it. i just wanted out.

Loneliness

There is hardly a lonelier place than living with an eating disorder. You feel like nobody understands you. You have no friends. You have secrets that you’re ashamed of. You may even be extremely depressed. The deeper you walk down the road of an eating disorder, the lonelier it gets.

Fear

I was scared of everything and I really mean everything. School, people, life, homework, exams, teachers, food, exercise, failure. The only place I felt save was in my room. Alone.

Weakness

I mean both the emotional and the physical weakness. There’s not a lot you can take. You are so worked up all the time that you are emotionally extremely instable. The physical weakness was what drove me insane. The fatigue, the dizziness, the legs that seemed to give in any moment. It was a horrible prison to live in.

Terror

The mental terror you’re under is the worst. All these vicious things you’re eating disorder is telling you make you want to die. It’s hard not to believe you’re fat when that is all you hear all day long. It’s destructive to count your calories over and over and over again, yet this is all you can do.

5 Words on My Experience with Hunger:

Emotions

Other than feeling miserable, you don’t really have emotions when you’re in a relationship with an eating disorder. Everything feels numb. When you finally recover, it’s like you wake up from a long dream/nightmare. You suddenly start to reawaken your senses and all the feelings you’ve tried to avoid arise again. I loved being able to feel joy again. I loved being happy again. I even enjoyed a few moments of sadness. It’s a completely different life.

Strength

I am now more stronger than I have ever been, both physically and mentally. I am confident in my abilities and in my skills and I am putting my heart and soul out there to help to make the world a kinder place.

Power

Recovery is about taking away the power from your eating disorder and giving it back to yourself. That’s what I did in the last year and I am in the final stages of claiming complete power and control over my life. Take that, ana bitch!

Forward-Movement

I was stuck in my childhood, trying to come to terms with everything that had happened in the past. I was also trying to hold on to a body that belongs to a child and not a grown woman. Now that I have let go of those limiting and destructive behaviors and thoughts, I have been able to move forward and build the life that I have always dreamed of.

Self-Love

Part of recovery is forgiving yourself and falling in love with the entire you, body, mind and soul. We all deserve to be loved deeply and intimately and we have to start with ourselves. It is a wonderful place to come to and worth every struggle that you face in recovery.

What are your words for your experience with your eating disorder and recovery?

Only Words? is a post from: Fighting Anorexia

Being different is the essence of this world. There’s hardly anything that fascinates me more than looking at different cultures and races. I love seeing the rituals that people in Africa still follow. I love looking at traits Asian people seem to have in common. I even like to see similarities between family members. But seeing how different each and every one of us is, no matter the family or culture we grow up in, makes my heart beat with glee.

Yes, there are things we all share, but there is so much more that is unique to us. Nobody has my body. Nobody has my style. Nobody has my eyes. Nobody has my taste in music. It’s unique to me, myself and I.

Of course we are all brainwashed into wanting to look just like a supermodel. But wouldn’t the world be a super boring place if that were the case? Wouldn’t the fun of meeting different people with different stories and different experiences be completely negated?

It’s time that we stand up for ourselves and claim our uniqueness. We are all perfect. We are all beautiful. We are all different. That is something worth celebrating, don’t you think?

Vive La Difference! is a post from: Fighting Anorexia

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*I am participating in the first ever Hungry For Change Blogger Challenge. Throughout the entire month of May, I’ll write one post a day all about the topic of eating disorders.

A Picture is Worth a Thousand Words is a post from: Fighting Anorexia

In this episode of Fighting Anorexia, I share my view on how difficult it is for men to admit they have an eating disorder and how they must feel in this world where being skinny seems to be the greatest accomplishment in life.

Here is the interview with Benjamin that I spoke about.

If you would like to leave me some feedback, you can mail it to feedback@fightinganorexia.com

You can follow me on twitter: @anneso87

Thanks For Subscribing To The Fighting Anorexia Podcast:
Note: My podcasts are now also available on Stitcher!

047 Fighting Anorexia – Forgotten Brothers is a post from: Fighting Anorexia

What do we need from our doctors when anorexia or any other eating disorder is threatening our health and possibly our lives?

This topic is a difficult one for me. Why? Well, the medical professional who should have looked after me was my father and he neglected to help me the entire time. Thinking about that today brought up a number of conflicting emotions. Was he too close to see what was happening? Was he helpless? Was he not educated enough?

Whatever the reason, he didn’t give me the help that I needed so very much.

So, the number one answer to this question is a single word long: HELP.

When we go to see a doctor, we’re already terrified or so deeply affected by an eating disorder that we need to doctor, be it a mental health or general professional, to take control and start to act for us.

I think that most general physicians still don’t know how to handle people with eating disorders and are inadequate to see signs that suggest they need help.

Often times, we keep our eating disorders a secret for way too long and wait to get help until we almost hit rock bottom. I wish more physicians saw the early signs and had the information needed to get a patient the treatment he or she needed.

Another wish I have towards physicians and therapists is to take us and our problems seriously. My therapist ones laughed me in the face because of something I said. Granted, it may have sounded ridiculous to him but for me the fact that I was “wasting calories” when eating something I didn’t want to eat was a major problem.

He should have known better than to ridicule this.

The last thing we all need is compassion. When you’re in recovery from an eating disorder, you’re in a very vulnerable place. The more compassion we get, the stronger we become and the more chances we have to heal.

What is it that you need from the medical professionals that treat you?

Doctor Doctor is a post from: Fighting Anorexia