In what I’m sure is shocking news to you all, Jon Jones will not go to jail or suffer any serious consequences for driving his car into a telephone pole while drunk. UFC Tonight has the details:

“What’s next for Jon is he has to stay out of trouble, between now and June 19th. He also has to take an alcohol evaluation between now and June 19th. On June 19th, he is due to appear back in Binghamton City court. That is when he will receive his plea bargain.

Now, his plea bargain is essentially this: He must stay out of trouble for a year. He must undergo these sort of alcohol sensitivity classes, to understand what could happen to a victim if they do drive while impaired. He must also pay any damages that his accident caused. On top of that, he must also put something in his car called an ‘ignition interlock device,’ which essentially means that between now and the next year, any time he drives his car, he will have to take a breathalyzer test to make sure he is not driving while impaired.

He has also had his license suspended indefinitely. If he does agree to all this, and everything’s good between now and June 19th, he will not face any further charges. He won’t go to jail, he just has to pay a very small fine, a maximum of $1,500.”

Wait, so he’s gotta puff into a car breathalyzer for the next year, but his license is suspended indefinitely? Doesn’t make much sense to me, but it’s probably a good idea considering Bones seems to have no issue driving without a license.

There’s still no clear info regarding Brock Lesnar’s Saturday night pow-wow with Dana White, other than a rumor it didn’t go well. That pretty much kills speculation that Brock is coming back to fight in the UFC, because I’m pretty sure Dana would have dropped trou and presented if Lesnar brought that up.

That leaves us with the second most likely answer: it’s all part of a stupid pro wrestling storyline. I’ll turn you over to Cageside Seats for their wrasslin analysis:

Last night on Raw, WWE unsurprisingly failed to mention Brock Lesnar’s shocking appearance at UFC 146 to watch the main event between Junior dos Santos and Frank Mir, even though it would play into their current storyline of Lesnar quitting the company after Triple H refused his contractual demands and he broke Hunter’s arm over the snub.

This seemed to confirm that Vince McMahon was completely blindsided by Lesnar showing up in Las Vegas for his pay-per-view rival’s latest extravaganza. Indeed, Dave Meltzer on his subscriber only radio show today said that all his sources have told him that “this was all Brock’s idea”, though I’m sure he had some help from his confidante and political mastermind Paul Heyman. So what was Brock up to then?

Unfortunately, Brock is the tightest lipped sunuvabitch in the wrestling industry and Dana has recently started actively lying to people in order to keep his secrets under wraps. So unless one of those two guys decides they wanna let us in on the particulars of their meeting, the only thing we’re gonna get out of this is a Brock return ain’t looking likely. And even that might be an intentional deception.

The details are out regarding Arianny Celeste’s domestic battery arrest, along with a picture of the dude she battered: her (ex?) boyfriend Praveen Chandra.

Lopez told police her boyfriend choked her and grabbed her right arm during an argument about text messages, the reports said. Officers noted that Lopez had scratches on her right arm.

Detectives interviewed Chandra who said Lopez kicked him in the nose in a limousine, where the argument started, the reports said. The argument escalated in the hotel room, at which point Chandra accused Lopez of throwing two vases at him, police said.

Chandra recorded parts of the argument on his cell phone, which showed him following Lopez around the hotel room and demanding to know why she kicked him in the nose, the reports said. Officers noted injuries to Chandra’s nose and scratches to his chest and arm.

“Chandra also continued to laugh at Lopez every time she said how she felt about him,” according to the arrest reports.

If you had any doubt from the picture, we now have douchebag confirmation. I repeat: douchbaginess is confirmed. In Chandra’s defense, when you’re that charming it’s really hard to understand why anyone would ever kick you in the face.

Next up: the cell phone video popping up on TMZ. I swear, they only started covering the sport so they could extend their scandal coverage to MMA related meltdowns. Smart business move.

Check out Jose ‘Pele’ Landi-Jons, oldschool MMA legend, calling Anderson Silva a pathetic fatherless piece of sh*t sissy for 8 solid minutes. He’s pissed off over a part in Anderson’s biography where he’s accused of intentionally swerving his truck into a puddle to splash Andy and his daughter. And if you think that’s some seriously high school stuff right there, wait til you check out one of Pele’s other grievances:

One more thing I’m sure you remember is that one day I was training at the gym and you arrived with a bag full of gym equipment you had already won your belt… you looked pissed off and threw your gym bag heavily to the floor and turned your back to the mat and didn’t say a word to me. I thought to myself well he might have had some problems at home.

Then the coach told me to start jumping ropes. 5 minutes, 10 minutes, 15 minutes. Right there, you know what I was made of. I dropped the rope and went into your direction, extremely mad, shouting at you “WHY HAVEN’T YOU SAID GOOD MORNING TO ME? WHAT’S YOUR F*CKING PROBLEM WITH ME?”

I could see the fear in your eyes… you chickened out and the coach had to stand between the two of us. Then when you thought you were protected by the coach, you go like “Go f*ck yourself; I say good morning only when I feel like it.” I was wearing a pair of boxing shorts you had given to me, so I took them off and threw them at you saying “I only practice with my friends” and left the gym!

Note to all potential tourists: Brazilians take their good mornings seriously. If it weren’t for the discovery of coffee, civilization may have never taken hold.

Now as loathe as I am to suggest we should be encouraging this kind of pro wrestling behavior, Pele’s video does present some interesting opportunities. Anderson’s buddy Wanderlei Silva is out an opponent for UFC 147 and there’s nary an interesting replacement option to be found. Pele is a pioneer in Brazil. Bring him in to face the Axe Murderer and you’ve got two Brazilian legends facing off in your main event again. Add in Pele standing up for Vitor and Wand for Anderson and the UFC gets the bad blood it seems to enjoy promoting so much these days too.

Plus, Pele deserves a shot in the UFC.

So it’s win, win. Win. Win win win win. Win win win. Wiiiiiiin.

I’m a huge fan of ground work in MMA. Give me scrambles and submissions over the stand up game any day of the week and twice on Sunday. But try as I might, I just can’t get into watching straight up jiu jitsu competitions. I know it’s probably just my uneducated troglodyte eye or some sh*t, but there’s just way too much nothing going on in your average BJJ match to keep me interested.

Fortunately for the Just Bleed fan in all of us, Eddie Bravo has come up with a solution to this problem: Combat Jiu Jitsu. I’ll let him explain it:

You know, it was just an idea, I just thought that theres so many good Jiu Jitsu guys out there, so many that won’t do MMA because they don’t want to learn kick boxing. So we never really get to see what their Jiu Jitsu looks like when there are punches. A lot of great Jiu Jitsu players don’t need to learn kickboxing… they don’t need to do MMA. (With CJJ) you don’t have to learn kick boxing, Just punching on the ground, no elbows…if you look at it from the MMA world, looking down, it looks real tame MMA, but if you look at it from the Jiu Jitsu world it looks like extreme grappling. Could you imagine watching Abi Dubai and dudes are punching the ground? How cool would that be?
…
As long as one dude is on the ground you can start punching. Standing it is just wrestling, but it’s amateur MMA rules on the ground so there are no elbows on the ground. Just punches to the head and there are no Heel-hooks, because they don’t allow heel-hooks in amateur mma. I really really pushed for it man I really wanted heel-hooks bad. But you know, I really wanted One-Ten minute round but all they would give me is Three-Three Minute rounds.
…
I think there was a big hole between grappling and MMA -that is a giant hole and that giant hole is Combat Jiu Jitsu. Obviously real MMA is the best, obviously …UFC fights, that’s the best shit of course. Im just saying this (CJJ) is something different. Its not as good as MMA…but it’s better than grappling (laughs)

Eddie Bravo is one crazy mofo. He turns jiu jitsu on it’s head with the rubber guard and half a dozen other moves with retardo names, and now he’s trying to popularize a new form of grappling competition. And what an obvious idea! Exactly the kind of thing only a chronic potsmoker would look at and go ‘Why the f*ck isn’t this already happening?’

Regular jiu jitsu is way too slow paced to ever break out of its niche, but here’s hoping this CJJ thing goes somewhere. I’m down for slugfests and kickboxing and all that junk, but sometimes a man just wants to watch two dudes scrapping it out on the ground.

Last week we announced an exciting contest where the best love letters to Urijah Faber would earn their scribes a copy of Urijah’s new book ‘The Laws of the Ring.’ Due to the OVERWHELMING response, I’ve decided to extend the contest for a few more days to give all you people who spent your weekend water skiing or memorializing an opportunity to participate.

Here’s how it works: you write a short 1-3 paragraph Harlequin-esque story about Urijah Faber. We judge that story on 3 parameters: erotic chin usage, sensual shirtlessness, and flex factor. We’ll pick the best stories and award the writer a copy of The Laws of the Ring. Winners will be announced Friday, June 1st.

(Pimpin’ ain’t easy, but giving it up is even harder!)

The winds of retirement change as quickly as the weather. Fortunately, you’ve got Fightlinker on the Doppler feeding you the latest up to the minute updates on who’s retiring, thinking about retiring, or reneging on retirement. For this one post at least.

Let’s start off with Jason ‘Mayhem’ Miller, who got his ass fired before UFC 146 even ended. Reports of a backstage altercation with UFC staff were indeed true but it was a disagreement with backstage director Burt Watson over a gas mask minutes before Miller’s fight, not some gophers in a hallway afterwards as initially speculated. He talks about that with MMA Fighting, and also clears up if he was retiring:

“I said I would, so I am,” said Miller. “I’m done for right now.”
…
“Every fighter gives the same answer when they say they’re retired. Pretty much every fighter says ‘I’m retired until I need money.’ I’m a pretty smart dude, I have other avenues open to me.”
…
“I feel a little bit freed, in a weird way,” he said. “In the strangest way I feel free. I know that sounds strange when I devoted my entire life to fighting. I feel like life is unlocked to a whole new set of adventures.”

Now that’s a glass half full way of looking at things. Personally, I’m only seeing the empty half where us Mayhem Monkeys no longer get to watch Miller fight. I had this fantasy daydream where I imagined him heading over to Japan and f*cking around in DEEP or ZST or another smallfry league just for the hell of it. Sure the pay is probably in the four digit region (even in yen), but it’d be coolness on par with Bill Murray showing up at random houseparties for the yuks.

Next up, Mike Brown…

Mr Brown earned a tough decision over some guy named Daniel Pineda, who is just one of the many unknown next generation featherweights coming up in the UFC right now. You can’t have a new generation without an old one, and Brown certainly fits into that ‘old’ group. Perhaps that was the reason he decided to hang up the gloves after his win. But victory is an addictive thing, and shortly after Brown took a few steps back from the ledge:

@joerogan thanks so muchI'm not 100 percent I'm gonna give it a couple weeks. Its hard dec. I felt so good I just don't know if its time.

— Mike Brown (@mikebrownmma) May 28, 2012

I don’t blame him for being indecisive. It’s hard enough to retire even when you’re getting your clock cleaned regularly. Just ask Jason MacDonald, who’s been thinking about hanging em up for a while now:

Well, I’m not going to make any big formal retirement announcement, but I’m not actively looking to fight again.
…
If I am done fighting, I want it to be on my terms. I don’t want to go back to the smaller shows and bounce back between wins and losses, and be that guy people want on their shows to build up their promotion or build up their next star.

Bottom line, there won’t be any big formal announcement, but I’m not actively seeking to fight anymore. If Calgary doesn’t happen, I’ll probably just fade away like many other fighters have done.

Not a bad way of handling it. This leaves you room to come back for a few paydays without being one of the dozens of fighters who have to sheepishly ‘unretire’ a few months after ragequitting.

Last but not least, how could we have a retirement round-up without mentioning Mirko Crocop? His first post-Final Fight fight happened this weekend at K-1 Madrid and he looked pretty good. Not that hard when you consider his opponent Loren Javier Jorge has a 1-3 record, but never you mind that. CROCOP IS BACK! CROCOP FOREVER!

TUF’s tradition of cancelled coach fights continues across international lines as Vitor Belfort managed to break his hand leading up to next month’s UFC 147 fight with Wanderlei Silva. Wandy was not impressed and let rip on twitter:

“(Fighting me) with one hand (laughs)? We are professionals. It’s a great irresponsibility not to be careful on training, a great disrespect towards the fans. I’m really sad. I’m ready to knock you out, you have nowhere to run. This fight is happening. I guess you got scared of me. Nobody trains so hard that breaks his hand. We use the best equipments, gloves, bandages”, affirmed the coach of the blue team at TUF, who complemented.

“If you were scared, you shouldn’t have accepted it. If you really got it broken, it’s amateurism and if you didn’t, you’re scared. In both scenarios, it was irresponsible of you towards the fans. Pardon the word, but I’m pissed with your amateurism. A main event on the biggest event of the world and the guy shows up like that”.

Vitor responded by keeping things on the pious, boring high road. Boo that, man! Fortunately, in this case his wife and model / professional teenage boy arouser  Joana Prado did the fighting for him:

The only thing Wanderlei can do is talk too much, he chickened out several times on fighting Vitor… and now he comes to talk my husband is ducking. If you doubt, the next opponent of Wand in UFC147 will beat the record of 40 sec of vitor Belfort or Chris Leben 20 seconds hahahaha

Still no word on who will replace Vitor but perhaps an opponent will emerge from the ongoing war of words that will satisfy the need for a hot blooded grudge match of epic proportions in Brazil. There’s enough of them out there after all.

Bob Sapp continues his media tour of shame, this time appearing on Crooklyn and Evan Shoman’s excellent TapOut Radio show. At first I was a bit confused as to why Bob was agreeing to these interviews, since it ends up being a lot of questions like ‘Why are you throwing fights?’ and ‘Do you have no shame?’

The answer to the second question is obviously no, because seems to me like Bob is using these appearances as advertisements for his patented Super Deluxe Sapp Time Jobbing Package:

Interviewer: How are things going with your career?

Bob Sapp: I have been on a losing streak. That’s right, I’ve lost maybe seven or ten of them, perhaps even more, but I still manage to sell out every stadium and do more than every one of the promotions, all around the world. Only a total of four times, has The Beast ever fought in the United States, and I’m still making…last month it was $200,000 and the month before that was $300,000. I’m still making over a million dollars a year.

Interviewer: How much per fight do you make?

Bob Sapp: Between 30-40 thousand dollars per event. Every card they put The Beast on, the fans come, and it allows the other fighters an opportunity to make some money. I will also that every fighter has given me so much respect, and said, ‘Thank you, Bob, for coming. I know you have a difficult schedule.’
…
Interviewer: What are your requirements and bare minimum or bottom line to take a fight?

Bob Sapp: This depends on the location of the fights. If you look at some of my fights, they’re back to back. ONe will be on Saturday, the other on Sunday. Sometimes they’re a week apart. It may be kickboxing, it may be MMA. If the countries I’m fighting in are close together, they (the promotions) will sometimes split the cost of my plane ticket, 50/50. That helps keep their costs down.

Bottom line costs a first class, round trip ticket, or business class, but most of the time, it’s first class. That gets you what’s called a “Sappy” video. That’s basically me talking about the opponent, and it’s basically a commercial for the promotion. They’ve done quite well, and are quite popular. You’re basically looking at a 30 thousand to 40 thousand dollar range to get The Beast into an arena.

Interviewer: What is your criteria for choosing a promotion to fight for?

Bob Sapp: For me to even do the announcement that I’ll fight for them, it’s an automatic 10-15 thousand dollars down deposit. Period. Don’t ask for a Mercedes if you only got money for a Bug. That’s what it is, and there are no exceptions to that. When I get there, the rest of the money is due. Period.

Bob also admits that some promoters have basically scripted his fights. Crom weeps, sir. He weeps. Fortunately, Sapp thinks he’s only going to keep up with this charade for another year or so. Maybe in that time a promoter will put him up against someone capable of blasting him into another dimension before he’s able to stop drop and go fetal. Now that might be worth 30 grand.