Restored

Yikes

2010-03-17T20:39:00.002-05:00

The ways God chooses to reveal himself to me and change my heart are amazing... Just yesterday I realized I don't have to compare myself to the rest of the world and that there are some amazing internal changes happening even though not a lot seems to be happening on the outside.

Well, today, another lesson: I found myself seeing life as a competition... but when you do that, there's always going to be a way you're going to lose, so why beat yourself over something that should be treated as a journey that is so divergent in how it turns out, rather than a straight track race to get to the finish line first?

Also, as I'm driving home from the Redemption part of our Gospel class at the Journey, I'm suddenly struck by how manipulative I can be towards God. A wise mentor asked me just several weeks ago, "Where is your heart in relation to God?" I realize the past few years I've really tried to use God/faith as a way to escape my current problems, rather than seeking Him for who He is - the one person who deserves our utmost and our praises. Seeing God/faith as a means to an end, rather than the ultimate fulfilling/satisfying end to all that I long for - THAT is where I need to be, and seem to be heading with this most recent epiphany.

OH! And also... I know I'm a pretty impatient person as well as someone who acts on feelings rather than knowledge. This can be pretty detrimental when it comes to the walk of faith. I find myself being challenged in both respects - to be more patient with God's timing and to be better rooted in my knowledge of the Bible and even the dreaded word - THEOLOGY! I always found myself turned off by the "T" word by how boring and academic it seemed, but I've been reading "Dug Down Deep" by Joshua Harris and it's a really great book for bridging those of us who are very much motivated/energized by feeling to the "T" word. Harris emphasizes the importance of having deep rooted knowledge and theology so that we're not like the house on the sand and instead we are the house on top of the hill. So that's been a real blessing for me, to find myself quietly undergoing a transformation to be more patient and better rooted in knowledge.

Changes

2010-03-15T17:26:00.002-05:00

Every now and then, I ask myself, 'Why so much angst?' (OK, honestly, I ask that in excess). All of a sudden it hits me - I tire myself out with the perceived lack of progress being made in my life while the rest of the world and friends seem to be moving on. Envy and impatience entrap me into what feels like an unending twilight zone, a muddled stationary existence. Yet so much change -- a transformation, renewal, growth -- is being done within little old me, and it is the failure to recognize that which brings on so much self-induced drama in my life.

To trust and wait patiently. To live daily with love, passion, and zest. To obey joyfully.

It's time to let go and let Him. For real y'all...

Good quote on lust

2010-01-11T17:57:00.003-06:00

"Frederick Buechner, an acclaimed author and Presbyterian minister, has written, "Lust is the ape that gibbers in our loins. Tame him as we will by day, he rages all the wilder in our dreams by night. Just when we think we're safe from him, he raises up his ugly head and smirks, and there's no river in the world flows cold and strong enough to strike him down. Almighty God, why dost thou deck men out with such a loathsome toy?"

"All of us can identify with Buechner's plaintive query. But some identify more deeply, more desperately, than others. They cry out for deliverance, but heaven seems to turn a deaf ear. They feel plagued by sexual temptation all the day and all the night. They reject adultery out of Christian conviction but feel driven to pale voyeurism to satisfy the inner craving. But rather than satisfy, it only serves to inflame the desires all the more, a little like leading a starving person past a bakery. Indulgence is followed by guilt and remorse, which is followed by more indulgence and more guilt and more remorse.

"We must be slow to condemn and quick to listen to all who are plagued by lust. The temptations are great in our sex-soaked culture. The distortion of our sexuality into lust can take a very tangled, twisted route. Only by the grace of God and the loving support of the Christian fellowship can our lust-inflamed sexuality be straightened upright again."

-Richard J. Foster, The Challenged of the Disciplined Life, p. 104.

2009-11-26T08:03:00.001-06:00

The Restoration of Israel (from Isaiah 49):

8 Thus says the Lord:
“In a time of favor I have answered you;
in a day of salvation I have helped you;
I will keep you and give you
as a covenant to the people,
to establish the land,
to apportion the desolate heritages,
9 saying to the prisoners, ‘Come out,’
to those who are in darkness, ‘Appear.’
They shall feed along the ways;
on all bare heights shall be their pasture;
10 they shall not hunger or thirst,
neither scorching wind nor sun shall strike them,
for he who has pity on them will lead them,
and by springs of water will guide them.
11 And I will make all my mountains a road,
and my highways shall be raised up.
12 Behold, these shall come from afar,
and behold, these from the north and from the west, [2]
and these from the land of Syene.” [3]

13 Sing for joy, O heavens, and exult, O earth;
break forth, O mountains, into singing!
For the Lord has comforted his people
and will have compassion on his afflicted.

14 But Zion said, “The Lord has forsaken me;
my Lord has forgotten me.”

15 “Can a woman forget her nursing child,
that she should have no compassion on the son of her womb?
Even these may forget,
yet I will not forget you.
16 Behold, I have engraved you on the palms of my hands;
your walls are continually before me.
17 Your builders make haste; [4]
your destroyers and those who laid you waste go out from you.
18 Lift up your eyes around and see;
they all gather, they come to you.
As I live, declares the Lord,
you shall put them all on as an ornament;
you shall bind them on as a bride does.

19 “Surely your waste and your desolate places
and your devastated land—
surely now you will be too narrow for your inhabitants,
and those who swallowed you up will be far away.
20 The children of your bereavement
will yet say in your ears:
‘The place is too narrow for me;
make room for me to dwell in.’
21 Then you will say in your heart:
‘Who has borne me these?
I was bereaved and barren,
exiled and put away,
but who has brought up these?
Behold, I was left alone;
from where have these come?’”

22 Thus says the Lord God:
“Behold, I will lift up my hand to the nations,
and raise my signal to the peoples;
and they shall bring your sons in their bosom,
and your daughters shall be carried on their shoulders.
23 Kings shall be your foster fathers,
and their queens your nursing mothers.
With their faces to the ground they shall bow down to you,
and lick the dust of your feet.
Then you will know that I am the Lord;
those who wait for me shall not be put to shame.”

24 Can the prey be taken from the mighty,
or the captives of a tyrant [5] be rescued?
25 For thus says the Lord:
“Even the captives of the mighty shall be taken,
and the prey of the tyrant be rescued,
for I will contend with those who contend with you,
and I will save your children.
26 I will make your oppressors eat their own flesh,
and they shall be drunk with their own blood as with wine.
Then all flesh shall know
that I am the Lord your Savior,
and your Redeemer, the Mighty One of Jacob.”

I will rise

2009-11-26T00:18:00.001-06:00

Three times the charm

2009-11-08T20:09:00.004-06:00

This morning I went to the Journey again for Sunday service and we went over 1 John 3:11-18. The pastor introduced four concepts of love: storge (family), philos (brotherly/common interests), eros (being "in love"), and agape (godly love) and emphasized the need to love God, love people (in that order).

Then after lunch I went to watch "This is It" - the Michael Jackson movie. Boy do I wish I had known about the genius and talent of the King of Pop prior to his death. He had this AMAZINGLY theatrical concert/tour planned out but died all too soon before he could make it into a reality for himself and his fans.

After that I went to my old college pastor's ordination ceremony (now officially a reverend in the Presbyterian Church of America). I think that was the first ordination ceremony that I will remember in the future (i.e. I don't remember going to any in the past). During it the whole "love God, love people" theme popped up again. Overall, it was a beautiful ceremony and I was happy for him and his family. I was also able to reconnect with those at Crossroads that I had lost touch with in the past 3 months.

So what's the point here? Well, just writing down the fact that I got two "love God, love people" messages in one day, and the "love people" part from the King of Pop. But I guess the King of Pop was missing the major point of having "love God" in the equation as well. Sad to see, but at least he was promoting the "love people" part.

Stripped

2009-11-06T17:22:00.003-06:00

The past 4 months have been humbling in so many ways, from academic to financial to spiritual, all tied together... But I want to believe that God doesn't strip someone of their pride for no reason, that through all these experiences there is a purpose to it, that in the end I'll be better off for it that I went through this.

I need to overcome adversity and finish the race.

Parallels

2009-11-01T22:40:00.005-06:00

There's something to be said about being able to relate to characters in a story. I think when you can identify with someone in a strong way, it is a powerful reminder that whatever you're going through, no matter how hard/daunting it seems at that moment, you can get through it because you are not alone and others have walked in the path that you're walking now.

Today I am feeling that kind of connection with a character in the Bible named Abraham - yes, THAT Abraham. No, I'm not going to be a patriarch of a great nation that God will use to show His character as well as character of humanity but I can definitely relate to the impatience and frustration of not getting what he wanted when he wanted it. As the story goes, God promises Abraham a son but he gets impatient with God, instead having a son with his female servant Hagar in his own timing and not God's (Genesis 16). Yet God remained faithful and still gave Abraham his promised son = Isaac (Genesis 21).

Then the story gets even juicier when God tests Abraham's willingness to part with the gift that he was given by asking him to sacrifice Isaac, followed by a dramatic intervention, with Abraham passing the test (Genesis 22).

In essence, inherently good things can easily become idols - I am sure Abraham wasn't all too happy to give up his promised son whom he had come to love. But idolatry happens when the gift becomes the item of worship rather than the giver.

A little over three months ago I became very frustrated and angry when someone essentially challenged me to do what Abraham did to Isaac, i.e. be willing to give up your deepest desires and goals for the sake of God, EVEN IF the desire is inherently good. If God wants you to give up something, you should give it up since all that you have now has all been given as a gift to begin with. Yet, the thing I wanted most, I did not want to give up. It was too precious and an inherently good desire -- a desire to have a large family to establish roots in the U.S. and allow future generations of mine to have large family gatherings to look forward to. That is something I grew up with as a child in Korea and that which I wanted to give to my children to have in the future, instead of being isolated and all too nuclear-family oriented as most families are in this all-too individualistic country.

While I still have this goal in mind, it is no longer as big of a concern for me as it used to - in fact, to have a large family you first need a partner/spouse because we all know humans don't reproduce asexually like some plants/fungi do, and if you've been reading these posts you know all too well how obsessed I've been with that. But through God's grace I have been freed from my obsessions with my own goals and my own timing. I am at a place in my life where I am willing to put God's desires and timing above mine because it is clear that His desires are in the end what's best for me - to the extent that if marriage is not in the picture for me in the near future, I am not going to get all frustrated and unhappy as I would have 3 months ago (or even 2 weeks ago).

This kind of contentment is new & liberating, and for that I am grateful.

"See what kind of love the Father has given to us, that we should be called children of God; and so we are." - 1 John 3:1

My favorite passage of the moment: Psalm 32

Extraordinary

2009-11-01T21:19:00.002-06:00

Everyone wants to be extraordinary (that's how they get you with those athletic commercials and superhero themed shows/movies), but most of us will die ordinary. At the same time, the human experience itself is extraordinary (undeniable, but often lost amidst politics/war/religious strife/other dividers). So even the most ordinary person is in the end extraordinary (this is what they teach you in elementary school).

Thank you!

2009-10-28T20:29:00.003-05:00

Happy as can be - found me a Halloween costume yesterday and then found me a CAR today... At this rate, I'll find me a wife by the end of the month.

Just kidding re: wife. I am so content and happy right now to be where I am.

I am so thankful right now!

Spot on

2009-10-26T18:22:00.003-05:00

http://journeyon.net/media/solid/hating-world

Psalm 32

The Turnaround

2009-10-25T16:02:00.004-05:00

God certainly has a sense of humor.

When people would ask me, "so when do you think you'll come back to faith/church?" I would reply coyly, "I'm doing just fine the way I'm going now [away from God], so unless I hit a brick wall I think I'll just keep doing my own thing and let God do His own thing."

Well, it wasn't a brick wall, but it was a wall nonetheless: a side railing of a highway. With that miraculous survival from the accident where no other cars were involved and I came out scratch free, I certainly got the message from God.

The irony of all this? It came on what would be homecoming week for many places (last week of Oct).

And homecoming it was this morning, when I went to church for the first time in 3 months. The message was spot on, as if it was tailored just for me (usually a sign of God speaking to your life... I'm sure others in the pews got that feeling too for the different circumstances in their lives). Also, something about taking communion after not having done so... made me realize how important that sacrament is in reminding us of the core beliefs of Christian faith.

Overall, I'm just very happy to be alive and grateful for this second chance/life that God has given me. My life really is not my own anymore and I just need to find ways to get back on track.

And all that fuss about finding someone - well, let's just say I've found contentment like I did not have before. Sometimes it takes a pride-wrenching, tumultuous pothole of an experience to realize that. But better late than never.

Happy Endings through Tragic Means

2009-10-21T20:32:00.002-05:00

"And he said, “There was a man who had two sons. And the younger of them said to his father, ‘Father, give me the share of property that is coming to me.’ And he divided his property between them. Not many days later, the younger son gathered all he had and took a journey into a far country, and there he squandered his property in reckless living. And when he had spent everything, a severe famine arose in that country, and he began to be in need. So he went and hired himself out to one of the citizens of that country, who sent him into his fields to feed pigs. And he was longing to be fed with the pods that the pigs ate, and no one gave him anything.

“But when he came to himself, he said, ‘How many of my father's hired servants have more than enough bread, but I perish here with hunger! I will arise and go to my father, and I will say to him, “Father, I have sinned against heaven and before you. I am no longer worthy to be called your son. Treat me as one of your hired servants.” - From Luke 15:11-19

"And the Lord restored the fortunes of Job, when he had prayed for his friends. And the Lord gave Job twice as much as he had before." - From Job 42-10

Need this Kind of Passion & Joy again

2009-10-21T18:08:00.000-05:00

Wake-up call

2009-10-21T11:09:00.004-05:00

Near death experiences are good ways to be reminded of what are the really important things in this short life. Coming out of that crash unscathed with no other cars involved was a miracle... I sure hope there's a purpose behind it all.

Thank God I'm still alive!

Timing

2009-10-18T19:20:00.004-05:00

Every single opportunity that I have had with a prospective lady friend has ended hopelessly due to poor timing, one of them on my part (for becoming a rebound person from the lady friend's bad breakup) but most of them due to circumstances beyond my control (moved/transferred right when I was about to make the move or irreconcilable age differences).

People around me keep discouraging me from being "on the hunt", as that will only delay what should come more naturally and when you're least suspecting it, that I'm bordering being desperate. Sure I will readily admit I idolize being in a relationship (GASP, big surprise) and sometimes it's unhealthy, but at the same time I know that simply waiting around won't win any hearts, and that, especially as a guy, I need to take some initiative and need to at least be watchful for opportunities that arise.

I've also realized that I've been naive in thinking that simply moving to a bigger, more diverse city will open up opportunities for me to meet single/available ladies. Sure, the opportunities are there but it's up to the person to do something about them. If I can't even do that in a medium-sized city like St. Louis, how do I expect to do it in a bigger city like Chicago, New York, D.C., etc? It's going to be even more overwhelming... And really, it boils down to what social networks you have and which ones you decide to tap into, be it a community based on ethnicity, religion, politics, common interests, etc.

So in the next several months (Nov-Mar) my schedule opens up a bit. The timing is right for me personally to open myself up to meeting the single/available ladies out there and practice putting myself out there more. As I stated previously, too many times I have been burned or burned myself for having the wrong timing for these things and I want to make that trend stop. We'll see what happens, but seriously, the off-timing has to stop. I am sick and tired of it.

Oh, and I decided that med students are seriously at the bottom of the rung in the hospital setting and that I have no chance with any of the workers there, e.g. nurses. Not until I'm a resident anyway.

Hmm...

2009-10-13T18:40:00.003-05:00

Sorry to say it, but every day I'm losing interest in Korean women. Maybe it's the dearth of them in STL, maybe it's me being impatient and/or being more open to the other possibilities. Also, I guess online dating has less stigma these days... I've been hearing more about people finding people that way and even getting married. It kinda makes sense though, esp. in this day and age of online social networking. Also keeps you from being limited to your own immediate circle of friends and family friends. The risk is greater with online, sure, but the payoff is also greater if you end up finding a good match. Or maybe I'm just talking to the wrong people and the traditional way to go is far superior. Who knows, but the fact remains: Korean women... you get less interesting to me every day as prospects.

If I had a few million dollars (and the time)...

2009-10-07T20:14:00.004-05:00

1) Travel to the Northeast during the fall foliage season
2) Travel to Yosemite to the west and Smoky Mountains to the east
3) Buy a Steinway piano for my mother and listen to her play it
4) Take my father to see tulips in either Netherlands or Washington state
5) Travel to Europe (esp GB) and listen to the greatest symphony orchestras in the world
6) Go to concerts and dance clubs every opportunity I get

I think it's pretty clear the keys to my heart are the enjoyment of music and nature.

What stirs YOUR heart?

Fish in the Sea

2009-10-05T19:31:00.002-05:00

I'm realizing more why people use the phrase "I'm so lucky to have found my spouse" because while there are plenty of fish in the sea and the pool of fish gets bigger for us guys, it's truly hard to find the compatible match. And while I am looking forward to possibly moving to a bigger city with bigger pools of fish to maximize my chances, I also realize it's going to be difficult to make the catch wherever I go, that going to a bigger pool doesn't guarantee anything.

I'm also realizing that among most people my age it's hard to find "untainted" fish, i.e. we all have our baggage from previous lives/relationships.

I will be going to a friend's wedding reception this week. People keep moving on with their lives, it's ridiculous. But I will be patient, I will stay the course, I will wait for my break in the next stage, which isn't too far away (less than 2 years!).

Kindness of strangers

2009-09-29T20:01:00.002-05:00

So during the first month of moving into my new place back in June, a major stressor was getting internet started up again. After multiple frustrating attempts with AT&T (horrible service), I decided to go out on a limb and posted notices all around my building seeing if anyone with internet service already to share that with me. One person actually responded and he lived about 4 doors from me. Thanks to his kindness as a stranger, I was able to share internet (we both benefited from it).

Well, 3 or so months later on my way back from work, I noticed a wallet lying on the ground by the staircase. Seeing if it belonged to anyone I know in the building, I looked at the ID inside belonging to a Kevin Smith (not his real name). I knew his name was Kevin but didn't know his last name. So immediately I went to his door, asked if his last name is Smith, and lo and behold, that was his wallet!

So thanks to Kevin's initial kindness, I was able to return that favor today. The kindness of strangers: the love that keeps on giving!

Priorities?

2009-09-23T20:51:00.001-05:00

In response to my interest in family medicine, my surgical fellow says, "Are your parents 1st generation immigrants? Then you have to do your best [implying primary care is not really the most prestigious way to go, which is actually true in at least today's medical community] and pay them back for the sacrifices they made for you." Good thing I didn't tell him I'm also interested in Peds.

Grace & Wisdom

2009-09-20T21:18:00.003-05:00

In hanging out with my non-Christian friends, I have discovered more grace and wisdom than I have in the past. As I shared with them my struggles, all they have to give is love and understanding.

Christians do not have a monopoly over love, grace, or wisdom. There is plenty of all that out there, perhaps even more, in the world than in just the Christian church. I think sometimes Christians are lost in their own theologies that they often overlook the beauty that exists outside of their faith.

In the quiet

2009-09-01T02:43:00.004-05:00

As I struggle to stay up to get ready for 2 weeks of nightshift work (6pm-6am), a quiet deadness surrounds me. Everything is so still. No neighbors are up and there are barely any cars outside. I am alone to reflect with no interruptions, no distractions.

Like the mighty storms of the midwest, a storm has brewed in me recently. A time of questioning the status quo and of what I've always known... and searching for meaning and authenticity in this short life we have.

I think what it boils down to is that it is difficult for me right now to reconcile the supposed power of God, the utter pathetic brokenness of His people (i.e. the Church), and my own shell of a faith. I'm tired of living a life that's not authentic - going to church just because I've always gone to church instead of going to really experience something exciting in the faith. I'm tired of people who are supposed to be better than the world but come up so short. I'm tired of praying to a God who doesn't seem to hear my prayer. These are only some of the reasons why I'm taking a break from it all... By God's grace (if He really is powerful) I will be back, but right now I'm not seeing that light at the end of the tunnel.

Angst

2009-08-20T08:35:00.002-05:00

Too often we think we are alone in the struggles of what we go through in our life stage, but no that's really not the case. Sure, our individual experiences are unique, but there is a thread that binds us together. So let not the naysayers keep us down, and unite.

When music speaks louder than words

2009-08-19T11:10:00.000-05:00