You can be yourself and speak without fear

The confidence to express yourself and speak in any situation is liberating. When you know who you are, then a strength from within guides and supports you as you face life’s daily challenges. You can be more genuine in all of your communications.  Not only can you accept a new promotion that requires you to give presentations to large audiences, you can also share more of your tender vulnerability with your loved ones. Whether in business or in intimate settings, your communications can be delivered in a more genuine and powerful way.

Fearless speaking is the key to happiness

It is no secret that being comfortable with who you are are is one key to happiness. But what is the relationship between being yourself and fearless speaking? Well, in creating happiness that is authentic and sustainable, you will continually need to

• Speak up
• Make requests
• Articulate your needs
• Reveal your feelings in an honest manner

In other words, it is your interactions with others and how you speak to them that either opens doors to a happier and more fulfilling existence or blocks you from moving forward in your life and accomplishing your dreams.

Fearless speaking gets results

Fearless speaking is being able to step into any interaction and say the words that are needed in order for you to be heard and get the results you desire. But if you are afraid that you will be judged or criticized, and you hold yourself back from expressing your true beliefs, desires, and feelings, then the real you is hiding in the shadows of your own making. When you can speak without fear, you will be able to

• Confront those who might otherwise intimidate you
• Give any kind of presentation to any kind of audience
• Ask for a deserved promotion or raise in your salary
• Offer your point of view during a project meeting
• Let your friends know how much you need them
• Tell your loved ones how precious they are to you

Doreen’s Fearless Speaking Tip: You can continue this list with examples from your own life. Ask yourself how it is that being yourself could lead you to speaking without fear.  What changes could be made in your life if you were not afraid to speak?  Imagine the most amazing results that will take place in your every day life when you are a fearless speaker and ask yourself if you truly desire these results?

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“The secret to speaking without fear when you are talking to a group is to connect with one person at a time and simply speak conversationally.”

Most people experience a connection when they are speaking one-to-one with another person. It is when they speak in front of a group that many people begin to feel afraid and lose the connection to themselves and to their listeners.

Connection with yourself

As long as I take a breath in and let it out, I am connected to myself. I can feel my body, the air in my chest as I inhale and the release of tension as I exhale. I can sense my skin as the sensitive receiver of the world around me–the coolness of the night, the warmth of a bath, the hands of love.

When I have an unpleasant sensation in my body, my instinct is to disconnect. Feeling judged and criticized make me want to move away both from the person and the experience. Nobody likes to experience terror as it races through the veins. As fright beats against the heart and tightens the throat, it is often too difficult to tolerate the fear.

I must remember, however, that even under the stress of anxiety I am still connected to myself. What does this mean? Always and absolutely I am a living, breathing Being. Within me is a depth of presence and ongoing strength that exists regardless of the circumstances.

“Beneath the turbulence that unbalances me is the stillness that keeps me steady. I am here now connected to myself even in the midst of fear.”

Connection with one other person

Just as I am connected to myself, in a deep and abiding way, I am connected to that same quality in others. When I am speaking to another person, I interact in a socially appropriate manner, but I also recognize that there is a place within each one that pulses with the essential and vibrant life force. This is their Being.

“When I relate Being to Being, my words are both connected to me and to the person I am with. And in this way I am less reactive, less afraid. I realize we are of the same essence.”

It is the personality, not the Being, that judges and carries expectations. So if I sense that the other is behaving in a way that scares me or puts me off, I can look more deeply and find where we are already connected. I can speak essence to essence which means I can be more open, honest, and compassionate.

Connection with a group

When I am surrounded by a group listening to me speak, I can look for one person and affirm that ever-present essential connection I know that exists. If I have practiced this every time I am with one other person, then when I am in front of an audience, I only have to focus on a single individual. I speak with one Being at a time. I already know how to do that.

“The more I am able to engage with one person, the more I can touch others in the group at the same time.”

I don’t need to worry about whether I am paying attention to everyone because I know that with just one powerful connection, energy will radiate outward. If what I say reaches and is received by one person, then there is a vibration that is created. Others will feel this connection because it is genuine.

The secret is practicing relating to one person, no matter the size of the group. Trust that there will be someone in the audience who will be open to you. If there seems to be no one, you must quickly remind yourself that we are all connected, see everyone in their pure essence form, and speak. This is Essential Speaking.

Doreen’s Fearless Speaking Tip: When you imagine your audience, see them as pure Beings, which they are. A personality may frighten you, but it is the essence that you want to speak to. The connection already exists, whether you think of it as human to human, or essence to essence. When you speak, be with only one person at a time. Move on to someone else and continue the conversation with that person.

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What makes a positive attitude so attractive?

Someone who has a positive attitude is like a ray of warm sunshine that brings me happiness. When that person smiles in a genuine way I can feel the warmth radiating from every cell in their body. He or she lights up the moment for me. Isn’t this true for you? Just think about your circle of friends. Identify the friend who has the most positive energy. How do you feel when you are around this person?

How does being positive reduce your fear of speaking?

If you can focus on trying to be positive, you will be distracting yourself away from your fear. Both states (being positive and being afraid) have a hard time co-existing. It is also true that both will grow in strength, depending on where you put your attention.

There is a quote that says “energy flows where attention goes.” Every time you have a negative thought about how you will falter or fail, you diminish yourself and reduce your energy. On the other hand, by making a habit of thinking the best about yourself and/or a situation, you will be uplifted and more motivated to step toward what may seem like a the risk.

“The next time you are asked to speak, if you can affirm yourself for having the courage to step up instead of imaging the worst that could happen, you will be increasing your confidence and decreasing your fear.”

Your positive presence touches people more than your words

If the positive center of you is filled with a friendly radiance, then you become magnetic. People are drawn to good energy. They open up to receive what you have to offer. Whatever it is you say, remember that it will be carried by the ever-present powerful waves of goodness which is you. And people will be ready to hear your words because you have paved the way with your presence.

Doreen’s Fearless Speaking Tip:Next time you have to speak in front of others, and you feel a familiar pang of fear, then start right away re-directing your thoughts to the positives. Make two lists. On the first one, tell yourself the positive qualities that you know to be true about yourself. Affirm them. Reinforce them, again and again. On the second list, note the positive outcomes that will result for those who will be listening to you. Will they receive information, inspiration, or both?

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As a Psychologist, the listening I offer is deep, arises from my heart, is full of curiosity, and does not judge. This pure quality of listening allows people to feel safe and gives them the courage to speak without fear.  What I’ve noticed is that most people don’t carry within themselves such a kind and compassionate listener. They walk around and imagine others are listening to them in the same way as they are listening to themselves–with a harsh and critical ear. Therefore, speaking in front of others or even thinking about it can frighten them.

The fear that you have about speaking is partly created by how you listen to yourself

The negative messages you send to yourself, and those you listen to inside of your own head are the source of your discomfort. If you hear a voice within saying that you are “going to stumble over your words,” “forget your points,” and “lose track of where you are,” then anxiety rears up. Even more threatening is when you hear yourself say, you are “going to fail,” “lose your job,” or “make a fool of yourself.”

What you hear yourself say is what you hear others saying to you or about you

If you can face your fear of speaking, you might see that what you think others may be saying about you is very similar to what you have been saying to yourself. This internal voice that judges you is severe and relentless. However, it is when you attribute these same thoughts to your listeners that you become overwhelmed with fright. All you can hear is the thunderous pounding of the doubting judges, only now they have surrounded you.

Learn to listen to the voice that supports you

When you can listen to yourself and hear the words that come from your heart rather than those that dart out from your critic, you will experience more self-compassion and acceptance. Know that within you, there is the ability to fully embrace your essence. Being who you are is magnificent and no one can rob you of this truth. You are enough…always…no matter what you say or how you say it.

Doreen’s Fearless Speaking Tip: Stop what are doing and take a moment to reflect on what makes you afraid when you think about speaking in front of others. Ask yourself what you think the listeners might say about you. Make a list. Now ask yourself if there is a judgmental part of you that is saying the same thing. Check your first list to see if the thoughts are similar. Listen now to the voice that accepts you as you are, unconditionally. What are the words that are there? Note these words. Keep coming back to listening for the support.

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I used to be very uncomfortable with eye-to-eye contact. It was awkward and made me feel uneasy, especially if I didn’t know the person. So speaking in front of a group was even more challenging since there were so many eyes staring back at me. Standing and looking out at a sea of eyes was as terrifying as looking out at a sea full of sharks.

Why people are afraid to look at each other

Many people find that they avoid looking at each other directly in the eye. Reasons for this reluctance vary, but following is a list of some of the common influences that can affect our learned behavior.

Cultural Conditioning - in most cultures looking people in the eye is rude, and in some cases it is absolutely taboo. It can signify disrespect, dominance, and a dare.

Social Norms – our social training says that we should avoid eye contact unless we are familiar or intimate with a person. Flirting is often conveyed with a coy look in the eye. But people can feel violated and intruded upon if someone is too seductive.

Family Messages - we all have come across the saying that “children should be seen and not heard,” and this is a message many people have taken with them into adulthood. Parents also exert control over children with just one stern look, and they can communicate disapproval or expectation with not much more than a glance.

Personality – people are born with a personality all of their own and perhaps even at a young age a child is more prone to shyness. A more reclusive personality or an introvert is certainly not often at ease with engaging eye to eye.

Trauma – at any age people can be wounded by a traumatic event. From physical abuse to insensitive name-calling, wounds can run deep and cripple people in their ability to interact with others.

Letting go of the fear of being seen

When we are connected to our true self, we are no longer afraid to be seen. We are centered in our essence where our nature is as beautiful as the deep green forest, as clear as the crystal waters of a mountain stream, as expansive as the blue oceans, and as infinite as the heavens above us. Remember that this and more is your basic composition.

Letting go of the fear of looking at others

When we are connected to our true self, we are no longer afraid to look at others. We know that at everyone’s core is goodness and light. If we can but see who they truly are, then there would be nothing to fear. Others are but mere reflections of us. If we are spectacular in our nature, and if we are all one, then we will see the beauty and connection in all of our communications.

Being open and unafraid are the secrets of a good speaker. Remember to

• Look your listener in the eye whenever you speak
• Let your listener look you in the eye whenever you speak

Doreen’s Fearless Speaking Tip: First think back about the messages you were given about making eye contact. Ask yourself, what did you learn from your parents? Were there explicit cultural rules that applied to you? How has society shaped your attitudes about looking at others or letting others look at you? Now think of yourself as magnificent and beaming with light from within. Imagine that this is what people see when they look at you. Now see that same magnificence and light beaming out from the eyes of your listeners. There is nothing to fear.

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To be present is to be free of fear

To be fully present, in the center of the now, is to be free of fear. It is when you think back to an unpleasant memory or when you look ahead at the possibility of being judged by others that the waves of fear begin to move through your body and start to crash upon the shores of your sense of self-confidence. You leave the present moment and enter a moment that belongs to the past or you travel ahead which is a moment that lives in the future.

Past negative traumas are in your way

The thought of a group of people looking at you, waiting for you to speak can carry all the trauma of a negative experience that actually did occur at some time in your life. Maybe it was in elementary school when your teacher made you stand in front of the class to present a book report and you forgot your words. When you went blank, blushing with shame, the other kids started to laugh at you. Or maybe it was when you were sitting around the dinner table, night after night, with siblings who were more verbal and outgoing or who could command attention in a way that you could not.

Projecting your past into the future

If there was a real event in the past that caused you to feel the pain of embarrassment or the shame of humiliation, you are likely to project that scenario into the future to all similar or related events. Your fear is based on the thought that you will be repeating the same experience. You see yourself going through it again and you see yourself flooded with the same kind of excruciating emotions.That future moment is based on a past moment. Neither exist in the present moment.

“To be present, in the here and now, is the key to speaking without fear.”

The commitment you make to staying present allows you to keep returning to the moment. Your anxiety is the signal that you have returned to the past or you have taken yourself to the future.  Remember to notice and bring yourself back to the present.

• Come back to the now
• Feel the fullness of being present in your body
• Breath the air that surrounds you, standing on the ground that is beneath you
• Relating to the listeners who join you in the now

Your voice arises from a place that is centered in you. You speak without fear.

Dr. Doreen’s Fearless Speaking Tip: To trace the origins of your fear, sit quietly and imagine yourself standing in front of a group. Let yourself reflect and allow images to come without censoring them. If a picture arises from the past, then note everything that happened. If a picture arises from the future, also note everything that might happen. Ask yourself, “how are these images related?” Now see yourself focused only on the present moment. Let thoughts of the past or the future drift away. Don’t attach to them. Your work is to empty the thoughts and arrive in the present where you can then be here now and you can be heard now. Breathe in, Breathe out.

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“A silent mind is far more precise, accurate, and powerful than anything that is contained in the boundaries of rational thought.” Deepak Chopra

Be silent

When people come to my programs on overcoming the fear of speaking, they are always surprised to see that I begin my 7 steps to Fearless Speaking with “Be Silent.” Immediately they know they are not in a conventional course like other classes that often stress how to craft and organize a speech or how to make dramatic gestures. I see on the faces of the students that they are wondering what in the world silence has to do with speaking?

Be still

To be still while all eyes are focused on you seems to be in opposition to what you think you should be doing in that moment as you stand in front of others. You are the speaker and the pressure is on you to speak. You must find the words, fill up the space, and not leave any dead air.

“What I am talking about is learning how to tap into the silent still point within, that emptiness where there are no words, the quiet at the center of now.”

Musicians call it the space between the notes. Writers call the blank page a container for their thoughts. And speakers who are comfortable with silence say that this deep clear state is the very foundation of their words.

Fear dissolves naturally

Imagine if you were absolutely comfortable being silent and did not rush to your words. There would then be no fear of going blank, no fear of losing your way, no fear of looking stupid. In other words, no self-consciousness. Your ability to be silent could be a powerful stance, a strength that people might admire.

“Your confidence would soar if your fears related to standing speechless in front of others did not exist.”

Dr. Doreen’s Fearless Speaking Tip: Instead of rehearsing every word of a talk you will be giving, stand in front of a mirror and go blank. Release of all of your words and just be still. Don’t reach into your memory bank for what you have to say. Let it all go. Don’t reach into the future. Let it all go. Stay quiet with yourself, move through your anxiety if it is there, and breathe. Then listen into the silence and notice what, if any, words arise on their own.

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My goal here is to inspire you to find the power of your real voice, to not be afraid to speak up, and to make the changes you deeply desire.

Your dreams:

One can dream, but it takes action; and action will most likely involve speaking to others. For instance, what if you are no longer happy at your job and you start to imagine working somewhere else? You may look at other opportunities, but to actually inquire, you will need to talk to someone. What if you are afraid to interview? You won’t be able to make the change unless you can present yourself to others.

Your relationships:

If you are not happy in your relationship, you need your voice to express whatever is upsetting you and to explain what you need. But if you are too timid to speak up and tell the truth, your life stays the same. You don’t change.  And if you do want more intimacy, it requires that you communicate the love that is in your heart.

Your daily life:

There are many examples of daily life situations where people avoid stepping into the changes they want to make because they simply are too afraid to speak. As a psychologist, I work every day with people who are breaking through their fear and connecting with their true voice. They feel empowered and learn how to use the natural strength that comes from within.

This blog:

In this blog I will be sharing with you all that I have learned about speaking without fear. I once suffered from stage fright, so I’ve traveled the path myself. You will get help from someone who knows from her own experience how fright shows up in the body with palpitations or cold sweats or dry mouth. You’ll also get help from an expert who has studied at UC Berkeley, received a Ph.D., and who has been working privately with individuals for thirty years.
give tips on how to transform your fear into a magnetic presence.

The posts that follow will:

• relate stories about people who have tapped into the power of their authentic voice
• reveal personal accounts where I was once stricken with terror
• show you my own path to freedom
• guide you to your essential self
• teach you the steps I write about in my book, Essential Speaking: The 7-Step Guide to Finding Your Real Voice

This blog is all about finding your voice so you can change your life. I hope you will be inspired to speak without fear in all areas of your life.

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Are You Being Authentic?

When you speak, your listeners will have their radar up looking to see if you are for real and to determine whether they can trust you are not. Regardless of what you are presenting, they want to be impressed and inspired by YOU. Are you afraid to be seen? Are you hiding behind your words?

To reach others in a truly memorable and meaningful way, you need to be authentic. The challenge is clear…be yourself.

Robert Rabin of RealTime Speaking writes about authentic self expression and states that the speaker needs to “use their verbal and nonverbal speaking to reveal, rather than conceal, their true intent, their true motives, purpose, and goals. We are looking, and sensing, if the speaker is telling the truth – of who they are.

You are More Powerful Than Your Message

Your credibility must come from YOU, not from your message. Only when you have shown yourself fully and openly will people begin to listen with their full attention and be open to having you influence them. Only when you have stood before people without hiding, without pretense, without posturing of any kind, will people open themselves to you and your message. That is when real communication begins, not before.

Building Your Business Takes More Than Technique

In seeking to develop and build your own business, you may have been taught to leverage people’s fears of remaining stuck, of being like their parents, of being consumed by scarcity and poverty. You may have learned communication “techniques” to help you embed your message in the subconscious minds of your audience members, or to give your message more impact and oomph. Those techniques only keep you from doing the one thing that is guaranteed to inspire, move, and impress your audience. You may have learned marketing strategies, sales techniques, pretty packaging – these won’t really help you build your business.

YOU are the message! Forget the techniques and strategies and just get real.

Are you willing to do that? In practical, behavioral terms, what does this mean? The American actor James Cagney was once asked by a novice actor for advice. Mr. Cagney put all his acting chops and wisdom into his response, “You walk in the room, plant your feet, look me in the eye, and tell the truth.”

Don’t Let Fear Stop You From Being You

I realized that I had imprisoned myself in the idea of freedom, the idea of authenticity. But to really be free, to speak authentically, well, that was a different matter. The fear of consequences had stopped me. The fear of criticism had stopped me. The fear of judgments had stopped me. But I saw that these were all imaginary, that it was really my own decision that kept me from living a free and authentic life, from speaking the truth and showing myself without hiding.

What might happen if we are truly seen, without our masks and roles and ideologies and sales pitches and lofty promises?

We would be seen. And somewhere down deep we are afraid that if we are seen, we will be criticized and judged as “not being good enough.”

This is why there is so much hiding, because we are afraid of truly being seen. We are afraid that we will not measure up, that in our essence we are simply no good. It is an existential fear of being inadequate.

Try This Exercise in Front of a Group

You don’t think so? Well, try this. I do this exercise in all my public speaking and authentic self-expression workshops and it is a challenge for everyone, even experienced polished presenters…

Next time you have an opportunity or sales meeting, stand up, without speaking, and simply make eye contact with everyone in the room. See the audience members. Let them see you. This is the relationship of authenticity that is the prerequisite for true communication: see and be seen.

Speaking is a contact sport, you have to touch and be touched.

You have to create a connection of intimacy and vulnerability before you speak.

This is where the risk comes in. If you are simply being with people, you risk being seen and you risk receiving the inevitable judgments of others. Will you let a lurking fear of inadequacy prevail and drive you into hiding, or will you declare and announce your wholeness and integrity by standing without flinching in the full view of others? Will you display the courage and confidence to speak from your hearts, to show yourself fully and honestly, to stand transparently before others and say, This is who I am. This is me, and these are my words and they are true.

Your Speaking Power Comes From You

Where does our speaking power come from? It does not come from the quantity of our content, it comes from the quality of our connection! It comes from speaking the truth of our heart, and of putting this truth as a part of our self into others.

When we can do this, when we are no longer afraid to see and be seen, when we stand without pretense or defense, speaking with authenticity and vulnerability, in full and honest connection with others – a kind of miracle happens. We enter a state of grace by virtue of this self-blessing and in so doing we become a blessing to one and all.

This is how you dignify speaking and sanctify relationships. This is how you create credibility and trust. This is how you inspire others to find their own inner greatness, joy and abundance.

This is how you build your business, realize your dreams, inspire others. This is your freedom and your passion. This is your success. YOU become the message.”

Article Source: http://www.articlesbase.com/networking-articles/authentic-self-expression-1855498.html

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Are you Unique?

“Dare to let the real you shine through” is the message by Teresa Tayag, Trainer, Speaker, Public Speaking Coach and blog author of Let the Real You Shine Through.  I agree that the conventional guidance given to people who want to give talks does not emphasize bringing forth what is unique about you.

Should You Put on a Performance or Share Who You Really Are?

The advice about what to do and what not to do is related to putting on a performance rather than sharing who you are and what passion lies within you.  You are told to stand a certain way, plan your gestures, vary your vocal tones, and practice, practice, practice.  But to be who you are, you don’t have to practice.  You just have to have the courage.

Your Power is in Your Fear

Ask yourself, what is the fear that stops you from being real?  Is it that you won’t fit in? That your message will be rejected?  Is it shame, humiliation, criticism?

Being real is risky, but if you sacrifice who you are in order to please others, you risk alienation from your own essential self.

And this is exactly where your power lies!

Dare to Be You

The next time you are going to speak in front of a group,

1. Think about how you might stay present with your true self.
2. Identify and connect with a core strength and remind yourself that this is who you are.
3. Be daring and bring forth what is fresh and new from within you.

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