My goal here is to inspire you to find the power of your real voice, to not be afraid to speak up, and to make the changes you deeply desire.

Your dreams:

One can dream, but it takes action; and action will most likely involve speaking to others. For instance, what if you are no longer happy at your job and you start to imagine working somewhere else? You may look at other opportunities, but to actually inquire, you will need to talk to someone. What if you are afraid to interview? You won’t be able to make the change unless you can present yourself to others.

Your relationships:

If you are not happy in your relationship, you need your voice to express whatever is upsetting you and to explain what you need. But if you are too timid to speak up and tell the truth, your life stays the same. You don’t change.  And if you do want more intimacy, it requires that you communicate the love that is in your heart.

Your daily life:

There are many examples of daily life situations where people avoid stepping into the changes they want to make because they simply are too afraid to speak. As a psychologist, I work every day with people who are breaking through their fear and connecting with their true voice. They feel empowered and learn how to use the natural strength that comes from within.

This blog:

In this blog I will be sharing with you all that I have learned about speaking without fear. I once suffered from stage fright, so I’ve traveled the path myself. You will get help from someone who knows from her own experience how fright shows up in the body with palpitations or cold sweats or dry mouth. You’ll also get help from an expert who has studied at UC Berkeley, received a Ph.D., and who has been working privately with individuals for thirty years.
give tips on how to transform your fear into a magnetic presence.

The posts that follow will:

• relate stories about people who have tapped into the power of their authentic voice
• reveal personal accounts where I was once stricken with terror
• show you my own path to freedom
• guide you to your essential self
• teach you the steps I write about in my book, Essential Speaking: The 7-Step Guide to Finding Your Real Voice

This blog is all about finding your voice so you can change your life. I hope you will be inspired to speak without fear in all areas of your life.

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Are You Being Authentic?

When you speak, your listeners will have their radar up looking to see if you are for real and to determine whether they can trust you are not. Regardless of what you are presenting, they want to be impressed and inspired by YOU. Are you afraid to be seen? Are you hiding behind your words?

To reach others in a truly memorable and meaningful way, you need to be authentic. The challenge is clear…be yourself.

Robert Rabin of RealTime Speaking writes about authentic self expression and states that the speaker needs to “use their verbal and nonverbal speaking to reveal, rather than conceal, their true intent, their true motives, purpose, and goals. We are looking, and sensing, if the speaker is telling the truth – of who they are.

You are More Powerful Than Your Message

Your credibility must come from YOU, not from your message. Only when you have shown yourself fully and openly will people begin to listen with their full attention and be open to having you influence them. Only when you have stood before people without hiding, without pretense, without posturing of any kind, will people open themselves to you and your message. That is when real communication begins, not before.

Building Your Business Takes More Than Technique

In seeking to develop and build your own business, you may have been taught to leverage people’s fears of remaining stuck, of being like their parents, of being consumed by scarcity and poverty. You may have learned communication “techniques” to help you embed your message in the subconscious minds of your audience members, or to give your message more impact and oomph. Those techniques only keep you from doing the one thing that is guaranteed to inspire, move, and impress your audience. You may have learned marketing strategies, sales techniques, pretty packaging – these won’t really help you build your business.

YOU are the message! Forget the techniques and strategies and just get real.

Are you willing to do that? In practical, behavioral terms, what does this mean? The American actor James Cagney was once asked by a novice actor for advice. Mr. Cagney put all his acting chops and wisdom into his response, “You walk in the room, plant your feet, look me in the eye, and tell the truth.”

Don’t Let Fear Stop You From Being You

I realized that I had imprisoned myself in the idea of freedom, the idea of authenticity. But to really be free, to speak authentically, well, that was a different matter. The fear of consequences had stopped me. The fear of criticism had stopped me. The fear of judgments had stopped me. But I saw that these were all imaginary, that it was really my own decision that kept me from living a free and authentic life, from speaking the truth and showing myself without hiding.

What might happen if we are truly seen, without our masks and roles and ideologies and sales pitches and lofty promises?

We would be seen. And somewhere down deep we are afraid that if we are seen, we will be criticized and judged as “not being good enough.”

This is why there is so much hiding, because we are afraid of truly being seen. We are afraid that we will not measure up, that in our essence we are simply no good. It is an existential fear of being inadequate.

Try This Exercise in Front of a Group

You don’t think so? Well, try this. I do this exercise in all my public speaking and authentic self-expression workshops and it is a challenge for everyone, even experienced polished presenters…

Next time you have an opportunity or sales meeting, stand up, without speaking, and simply make eye contact with everyone in the room. See the audience members. Let them see you. This is the relationship of authenticity that is the prerequisite for true communication: see and be seen.

Speaking is a contact sport, you have to touch and be touched.

You have to create a connection of intimacy and vulnerability before you speak.

This is where the risk comes in. If you are simply being with people, you risk being seen and you risk receiving the inevitable judgments of others. Will you let a lurking fear of inadequacy prevail and drive you into hiding, or will you declare and announce your wholeness and integrity by standing without flinching in the full view of others? Will you display the courage and confidence to speak from your hearts, to show yourself fully and honestly, to stand transparently before others and say, This is who I am. This is me, and these are my words and they are true.

Your Speaking Power Comes From You

Where does our speaking power come from? It does not come from the quantity of our content, it comes from the quality of our connection! It comes from speaking the truth of our heart, and of putting this truth as a part of our self into others.

When we can do this, when we are no longer afraid to see and be seen, when we stand without pretense or defense, speaking with authenticity and vulnerability, in full and honest connection with others – a kind of miracle happens. We enter a state of grace by virtue of this self-blessing and in so doing we become a blessing to one and all.

This is how you dignify speaking and sanctify relationships. This is how you create credibility and trust. This is how you inspire others to find their own inner greatness, joy and abundance.

This is how you build your business, realize your dreams, inspire others. This is your freedom and your passion. This is your success. YOU become the message.”

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Are you Unique?

“Dare to let the real you shine through” is the message by Teresa Tayag, Trainer, Speaker, Public Speaking Coach and blog author of Let the Real You Shine Through.  I agree that the conventional guidance given to people who want to give talks does not emphasize bringing forth what is unique about you.

Should You Put on a Performance or Share Who You Really Are?

The advice about what to do and what not to do is related to putting on a performance rather than sharing who you are and what passion lies within you.  You are told to stand a certain way, plan your gestures, vary your vocal tones, and practice, practice, practice.  But to be who you are, you don’t have to practice.  You just have to have the courage.

Your Power is in Your Fear

Ask yourself, what is the fear that stops you from being real?  Is it that you won’t fit in? That your message will be rejected?  Is it shame, humiliation, criticism?

Being real is risky, but if you sacrifice who you are in order to please others, you risk alienation from your own essential self.

And this is exactly where your power lies!

Dare to Be You

The next time you are going to speak in front of a group,

1. Think about how you might stay present with your true self.
2. Identify and connect with a core strength and remind yourself that this is who you are.
3. Be daring and bring forth what is fresh and new from within you.

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Responding to a participant who completed my Leadership Presence course and who wondered about her tendency to deny her own power as it related to gender, I wrote the following:

Leaders are Open to Learning

“If you noticed any shying away from your power, then it can become a treasure chest of discovery.  At this level of leadership where you are much more committed to being in presence and engaging with people and delivering content from a place of deep knowing (passion/purpose/mastery, etc.) then this work can reveal even more about the fears/uncertainties that are still tucked away within you.

Leaders Ask Themselves Personal Questions

I really can’t compare or generalize because everyone is on such a unique journey given their history and their character structure. You might start, as you did in your note, by wondering about gender; but what does that mean to you?  What other factors have contributed to personal insecurity?

Leaders Move People From Fear to Freedom

Learning is at the heart of this work. And, that is one reason that keeps me so actively excited about facilitating Speaking Circles.  I love being in the mode of uncovering more and more of my own essential self as well as creating environments where leaders can move from fear to freedom of expression.  In finding your voice, you can change their life!”

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My book, Essential Speaking: The 7-Step Guide to Finding Your Real Voice,  is being translated into French by Brendan Flanagan who is practicing the 7 Steps to Essential Speaking with a peer group.  He wondered about the phrase “essential self” and asked if I had invented it.  I told him that I did not invent this concept and went on to explain that my in-depth work on myself (psychotherapy/spiritual practices/personal development) led me to discover many paths to the self that I believe is the essence of who I really am.

1. By essence, I mean the core of my Being.  Some might call it the “real self,” “true self, or “authentic self.”

2. I believe within each of us resides this pure sense of self, and this essential self/essential Being has a voice.

3. We are all endowed with the potential to speak our truth naturally and fearlessly.

4. Learning how to listen to the sound of this natural voice and re-connect with it is part of the practice of the  seven steps.

The process of reclaiming the essential self and speaking from it can be equated with cultivating a garden.  Within you are seeds such as courage, beauty, and wisdom that will take root, grow, and blossom as you practice each step.   The voice that then arises from your essential self will be steady, clear, and uniquely yours.

How Conventional Public Speaking Training Misses the Point

Conventional public speaking training tells people who are afraid of audiences to look at a spot on the back of the wall and avoid the listeners.  The problem with this technique is that the wall isn’t interested in your message and it won’t give you a response.  You miss the opportunity to hand-deliver your words and be with people as they receive them.

Ignoring the audience by focusing your attention somewhere else leaves your listeners out of the relationship you could be creating.  “Which do you think is going to give you something back, the ceiling or the person you’re talking to?” asks Gary Genard of Public Speaking International.

When You Avoid Looking, You Avoid Connection

When you are nervous and your anxiety is high, looking someone in the eye can be a distraction.  You might see judgment or indifference or some other negative response.  But when you avoid directly engaging with people, you lose connection with them.  The truth is that they want you to relate to them; they want your attention.  So include your listeners in the conversation.  They will appreciate it if you are a real person, a genuine human being who communicates more completely.  Take the risk and look at them.

Practice a New and Gentler Way of Thinking About “Eye Contact.”

1. Soften your gaze
2. Let your eyes be relaxed
3. Let them land softly on your listeners
4. Allow the audience to be able to look you straight in the eye, to see your sincerity and the bright beam of energy that shines from your essential self.

The 7-Steps to Essential Speaking all begin with “Be” (Be Silent, Be Present, Be Aware, Be Attuned, Be Positive, Be Connected, Be Yourself).  Notice that there is no focus on what you say.  I believe that at the core of public speaking anxiety is the fear of being yourself in front of others. This is why I work on a deeper level and help you discover who you really are rather than give you techniques that mask nervousness.

Genuine Connection is the Key to Confidence

Unlike the conventional techniques aimed at improving your performance, the seven steps help you learn to connect to yourself and others in a genuine manner.  Remember that within you resides a pure sense of self, and this essential self has a voice.  No matter what the disconnection over time is, you can reclaim that voice.

How Fear Dissolves Naturally

In order to transform fear, you must move toward that which frightens you.  Commit to discover your fear, be with and experience it.  The seven steps will take you gently through a sequence and usher you to the end result: the natural dissolution of your fear as your authentic self grows stronger.

Plant the Seeds of Courage

Finding your real voice is a process that can be equated with cultivating a garden.  Within you are seeds of courage and wisdom that will take root, grow, and blossom as you move through the seven steps.  In the process you will re-connect with your real self.  Then the voice that arises from your center, even in the most challenging circumstances, will be steady, clear, and uniquely yours.

Public Speaking is a Series of One-to-One Conversations

Approach public speaking as more of a “me-to-you” discussion rather than a full-blown broadcast,  suggests G.I. Taylor in the Fear of Speaking blog.  I agree with the idea of seeing yourself talking to one person at a time when you are in front of groups.  When you master this, speaking to an audience becomes a series of conversations with one person.   The work then becomes learning how to connect and be present with an individual when all other eyes in the room are on you.

Practice Relating One-to-One in a Supportive Group

To develop the ability to speak and be with just one person while standing in front of an audience initially requires a supportive, non-judgmental group of people.  You will find this quality of support in a Speaking Circle® where everyone agrees to focus on what they like about being with you and what is already positive about you.  In this way,  your natural and best qualities are affirmed and you have the chance to experience and grow them from the inside out.

Remember You Speak One-to-One All Day Long

Focusing your attention on one person while an entire group is looking at you is like developing a new muscle.  We call this the Relational Presence muscle and it grows stronger as you practice really looking, connecting with, and speaking to only one person.  You remember that talking to someone one-to-one is not scary and you realize you do this all day long with friends and colleagues.  In this way you apply what you might already be great at.  Just transfer that conversational ability and you have mastered one of the secrets to reducing stage fright.

“Most important rule… be yourself!”

FastUpFront Blog in their article, “5 Essential Public Speaking Tips for Non-Public Speakers,” wrote about this number one rule. But how do people discover who they are?

As a psychologist, I believe you need safe learning environments to explore and develop yourself. So much of our social training growing up has been to hide our natural responses and put on a mask.  No wonder when people stand in front of a group, they feel exposed and judged and afraid to be authentic.

In addition to the suggestions offered below by FastUpFront, consider joining a Speaking Circle, an interactive group process that focuses on the power of presence as opposed to content.  You can develop the confidence to be fully yourself when speaking in public whether you are a professional or not.

• Don’t try to be something you are not.
• Get to know your public speaking strengths and weaknesses.
• Where necessary compensate for weaknesses.
• Put more emphasis on building on your natural strengths and abilities.

Everyone has talents and/or abilities that are unique to them. The first place to start is to get in touch with them. Some people are funny… Some people speak very clearly and logically… Some people are charismatic and can work up a crowd… Some people are sensitive and can feel where their audience is holding… Each one of these abilities can be used to connect with the people who have come to listen to you speak.”

We are all public speakers.  Whether you are giving a presentation at work, sharing your opinion at a meeting, or talking to someone one-on-one, you are expressing yourself.  The question is, do you feel comfortable and confident being who you are?  These 7 steps help you focus on what really matters in any communication—your authentic self.

1. BE SILENT – always start from a place of silence.  Quiet yourself.  Being comfortable without any words is powerful.

2. BE PRESENT – Focus on the current moment.  Let go of concerns about what has happened before or what might happen in the future.

3. BE AWARE – Use your eyes to take in the people you are with.  Don’t avoid looking directly at them.  Gaze softly and let them see you.

4. BE ATTUNED – Listen to those who are listening to you.  Listen to yourself before, during, and after the words are spoken.

5. BE POSITIVE – Look for the best in others.  See the good that is within and don’t get stuck on what they might be thinking.

6. BE CONNECTED – Be with one person at a time and be conversational.  Speaking to a group at large dissipates your energy.

7. BE YOURSELF – The most powerful gift is you.  Tap into who you are to allow your authentic voice to come forth.