2. If the shoe fits - buy them in every color.

3. Take life with a pinch of salt… A wedge of lime, and a shot of tequila.

4.. In need of a support group? - Cocktail hour with the girls!

5. Go on the 30 day diet. (I’m on it and so far I’ve lost 15 days).

6. When life gets you down - just put on your big girl panties and deal with it.

7. Let your greatest fear be that there is no PMS and this is just your personality.

8. I know I’m in my own little world, but it’s ok. They know me here.

9. Lead me not into temptation, I can find it myself.

10. Don’t get your knickers in a knot; it solves nothing and makes you walk funny.

11. When life gives you lemons in 2009 - turn it into lemonade then mix it with vodka.

12. Remember where ever there is a good looking; sweet, single or married man there is some woman tired of his bullshit!

13. Keep your chin up, only the first 40 years of parenthood are the hardest.

14. If it has Tires or Testicles it’s gonna give you trouble.

15. By the time a women realizes her mother was right, she has a daughter who thinks she’s wrong.

Technorati Tags: women

Love Has Eye for Plastic Surgery

Love is not blind - at least when it comes to facial plastic surgery.

Of people who are dating or married, 59 percent of women and 54 percent of men would like to change at least one feature on their partner’s face, according to an American Academy of Facial Plastic and Reconstructive Surgery.

It found that men were most likely to take suggestions about plastic surgery as an insult. Women were more likely than men to take suggestions as gestures of love and when a sweetheart offered to pay, were twice as likely to go ahead with plastic surgery.

“This survey shows that love is not blind and, in fact, has an eye for improvement,” academy president Dr. Keith LaFerriere said in a statement.

The Alexandria, Virginia, academy sponsored the telephone survey of 1,000 adults across the United States, including 738 who were dating or married. It had a margin of error of plus or minus 3.2 percent.

Respondents said they would change their lover’s hair (24 percent women, 17 percent men), wrinkles (9 percent women, 11 percent men), nose (11 percent women, 9 percent men), mouth (6 percent each), eyes (5 percent each) or ears (4 percent each).

Technorati Tags: Love, plastic surgery, dating

My name is Joe. Let me relate how I handled the situation with my wife, Bev. When I retired a few years ago, it became necessary for Bev to get a full-time job along with her part-time job, both for extra income and for the health benefits that we needed.

Shortly after she started working, I noticed she was beginning to show her age. I usually get home from the golf club about the same time she gets home from work.

Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts dinner.  I don’t yell at her. Instead, I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she gets dinner on the table. I generally have lunch in the Men’s Grill at the club so eating out is not reasonable. I’m ready for some home-cooked grub when I hit that door. She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating. But now it’s not unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after dinner.

I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times each evening that they won’t clean themselves.  I know she really appreciates this, as it does seem to motivate her to get them done before she goes to bed.

Another symptom of aging is complaining, I think. For example, she will say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills during her lunch hour. But, boys, we take ‘em for better or worse, so I just smile and offer encouragement.  I tell her to stretch it out over two or even three days. That way she won’t have to rush so much. I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then wouldn’t hurt her any (if you know what I mean). I like to think tact is one of my strong points.

When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods.  She had to take a break when she was only half finished mowing the yard.  I try not to make a scene.  I’m a fair man.  I tell her to fix herself a nice, big, cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and just sit for a while.  And, as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one for me too.

I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Bev. I’m not saying that showing this much consideration is easy.  Many men will find it difficult. Some will find it impossible!  Nobody knows better than I do how frustrating women get as they get older.  However, guys, even if you just use a little more tact and less criticism of your aging wife because of this article, I will consider that writing it was well worthwhile. After all, we are put on this earth to help each other.

Signed,

Joe

*EDITOR’S NOTE*

Joe died suddenly on January 27th of a perforated rectum.  The police report says he was found with a Calloway extra long 50-inch Big Bertha Driver II golf club jammed up his rear end, with barely 5 inches of grip showing and a sledge hammer laying nearby.

His wife Bev was arrested and charged with murder. The all-woman jury took only 15 minutes to find her Not Guilty, accepting her defense that Joe somehow, without looking, accidentally sat down on his golf club.

Women are entitled to an erotic massage. Men visit massage parlours all the time and partake of the little “extras” offered by the masseuse. They are nearly always assured of a “happy ending” to their massage. Getting “the works” for men can be the norm. Is it possible women may have the opportunity to get an erotic G-Spot massage?

Article by  Kate Spicer

Tropicana is an expensive beach club on Cala Jondal in Ibiza. The loungers have crisp cotton covers, the juices are freshly squeezed and the staff wear natty, tennis club-style whites. There are massage therapists working under the trees. A socialite tells me about the last time she visited: “My friend came over rather flushed and asked to borrow money so she could give the massage guy a bigger tip.” Because allegedly, after asking if it was okay to work on the whole of her chest, the therapist had gone on to expertly bring the lucky girl to orgasm.

There has long been a tradition of the gentleman’s “happy ending”. Back when Indian barbers were eunuchs, a chap could get a shave, a haircut and, afterwards, fellatio. In the Far East today, prostitution still takes place around “barber shops”, much as a certain breed of western “private sauna” or “massage parlour” rarely harbours highly trained Swedish masseurs. But this is not to say that the odd proper therapist doesn’t offer soothing extras, too.

A few years ago, on his honeymoon, Kevin Costner was accused of exposing himself to his masseuse at the Old Course Hotel Spa at St Andrews, and then proceeding to ensure that his “ending” was a self-induced “happy” one. Costner has always denied the allegation, but it was too late: the happy ending had gone mainstream.

For a man to be asked, “You want everything?” is not — in certain geographical locations or clearly signposted establishments — that unusual. For women, though, it has formerly existed as a disquieting crossing of personal boundaries. From posh gyms in London to misadventures in Indian spas, many women have tales of male therapists making them feel uncomfortable. Friends sometimes tell of dating their masseurs, or, in the case of one, getting off with him then and there in the treatment room. So far, so Samantha Jones.

Yet with our burgeoning love of spa culture, is it reasonable to suppose the odd naughty or, perhaps, “progressive” massage therapist might slip through the net to please a certain type of upmarket lady?

Recently, there has been chatter in the New York press about just such shenanigans in upscale Miami hotels and New York bathhouses: the female “happy ending” is out there.

Grant Stoddard, the author of Working Stiff: The Misadventures of an Accidental Sexpert, tells a story that illustrates the Jackanory finish is not confined to men, and possibly on the increase. “An ex went for a regular massage. It was her first time at this establishment, and the receptionist suggested that she get her massage from George. She called me two hours later to ask me if it was okay that a Chinese guy in scrubs had brought her to orgasm six times. I was more impressed than anything. My girlfriend recommended George to several friends, most of whom went to the massage parlour. George, they were told, had been let go, and nobody hinted at ‘happy endings’ being on offer.”

I rang a New York friend to ask if she knew of any “Georges” in a town known for its demanding girls. “It’s an urban myth,” she howls. “You always hear about the guy who gives a ‘happy ending’, but when it comes to the crunch, nobody has his number. Ever.”

So I set out to find — if not experience — some “happy endings” in London myself, and posted an ad on Gumtree. In 20 answers from both genuine masseurs and dodgy chancers, I found one guy who offered “delightful Hawaiian lomilomi massage the naturist’s way”. Another came with several qualifications, including a diploma in sports and remedial massage. As I posed as a nervous potential client, he explained: “I try to make people relaxed and happy. The ending is sensual and arousing, but it is done without any form of penetration. I do know how to give an amazing orgasm without .” We talk a little about pressure points and human anatomy. I wonder how he broaches the subject of “extras”? “When you  massage a person, you ask how they want it: soft, medium or firm. You then ask what parts they want massaged: if they say yes to inner thighs, buttocks and the chest, and if they want to be totally naked, you generally get an idea of what they really mean.”

Technically, with women’s erogenous zones so much less defined than men’s, the “happy ending” is a grey area. What is actually a benign, relaxing massage for most could be sensual ecstasy for the overexcitable or an excruciating invasion of personal space for the physically shy. But talking to this particular “therapist”, it is clear that his “extras” clients are not surprised by how his massages end.

One of his qualifications comes from the Manchester School of Massage, where a spokeswoman, Lucy Johnson, says: “As soon as the therapist feels uncomfortable, we [teach them] that they should stop and leave the room.” She found my insistence that one of its alumni offered “happy endings” unbelievable. Wendy Kavanagh of the General Council for Massage Therapy gave me equally short shrift. “This is a therapeutic profession to be classed alongside chiropractic or physiotherapy, and if someone is offering sexual services, they should not be allowed to practise.”

How, then, to regulate the emergence of the practitioners of tantric therapies, for whom the yoni massage is part of an ancient Indian tradition? “Yoni” is the Sanskrit word for “divine passage” — the vagina, in western parlance. I asked the receptionist at Cosmic Touch Creative Therapy whether it offered yoni massage. And yes, indeed, it did. “It is a beautiful, relaxing, full-body massage, enjoyable and healing. Many women, not just lesbians, find they enjoy the sensual touch of another woman.”

At Cosmic Touch, it is obviously important that the client is compliant. Without such demand, we wouldn’t be looking at the small but growing number of tantra practitioners in this country. “The point of our tantric treatments is to cause your sexual energy to rise. Obviously, if our goddess does something to you that you feel uncomfortable with, this will stop the flow of your sexual energy,” says Cosmic Touch.

Why are we so nervous about “happy endings”, when, as many people say, sexual arousal is a matter of being aware of pressure points, and not necessarily a grubby scrum “down there”? Since more and more women are single these days, I wonder if “happy endings” could become the empowered woman’s solution to sexual frustration — sparing them the sordid disappointment of one-night stands? Until relatively recently, hysteria in women was ascribed to either a lack of sex or no gratification from it; physicians would massage the poor patient’s genitals to induce what was medically termed “paroxysm”. Dare I suggest that massage therapists might have the same equally pragmatic approach to the human body?

Would “happy endings” become acceptable if all your friends were doing it, too? A bit like Botox and cocaine, it’s ostensibly a dodgy sort of business, but its definition as such is dictated by your peer group. On a ring round, I found even sexually adventurous friends said: “Nooo!” One told me that when she met her boyfriend, she stopped her entirely proper visits to a male masseur because she felt strange being naked in front of another man.

Even the sexually upfront and enlightened Sam Roddick of Coco de Mer is not keen: “Tantric massage is one thing — it has philosophy, methods and it’s an empowered situation. I can’t imagine other instances where either client or practitioner isn’t being exploited. So little commercial sex is ever fair-trade. I heard there is a guy practising tantric therapies in London who offers G-spot massage. Are you having a laugh?” she hoots. “I’m not paying for that — come on, he’s a bloke. We’re so hazy in our sexual boundaries. And the exploitation goes both ways. A friend told me about getting a ‘happy ending’ from a masseur in Thailand and she had the same justification as men do when they come out of a dodgy massage parlour.

“Women: there’s a lot of free sex out there. Why would you want to pay for it?”

Technorati Tags: erotic, massage, massage parlours, G-Spot, orgasm, fellatio, Kevin Costner, massage

• Wears a size 12 shoe.

• Academy Award for Best Supporting Actress (1988

• Nominated - Academy Award for Best Actress; BAFTA Award; Golden Globe for her role in Thelma and Louise (1991)

• Nominated - Golden Globe for A League of Their Own (1992

• Nominated - Golden Globe for Speechless (1994)

• Won Golden Globe; Nominated - Emmy Award for her role as President of the United States in the TV series Commander in Chief (2005-2006)

• Placed 24th out of 28 semi-finalists for Olympic Archery team. (August 1999)

• Ranked #61 in Empire (UK) magazine’s Top 100 Movie Stars of All Time list. (October 1997)

• Is a member of Mensa (persons with IQs in the statistical top 2%.)

• She speaks Swedish, and attended school in Sweden as an exchange student.

• Chosen by Empire magazine as one of the 100 Sexiest Stars in film history (#31- 1995)

• Was considered for the lead in Runaway Bride(1999).

• Was considered for the lead role of Kate McQueen in Fair Game (1995). The part eventually went to Cindy Crawford.

• Gave birth to baby daughter, in April 2002 at the age of 46. Twins followed 2 years later.

• Was assistant organist in her church in her hometown in Massachusetts.

• Measurements: 34-25-35 (on her Zoli modeling card; ideal for her start as an underwear model)

• Her current husband, Dr. Reza Jarrahy is 15 years her junior. Reza, a neurosurgeon, is Iranian. His last name, Jarrahy, means “surgery” in Farsi.

• Appeared alongside ex-husband Jeff Goldblum in three films: Transylvania 6-5000 (1985), The Fly (1986) and Earth Girls Are Easy (1988).

• Graduate of Wareham High School (Wareham, Massachusetts) Class of 1974 who voted her “Most Talented.”

• Her second husband, actor Jeff Goldblum, says that he and Geena have remained good friends in the years since their divorce.

• Auditioned for a regular cast member spot on “Saturday Night Live” (1975) in 1984.

• After graduating from Boston U. she worked as a window mannequin.

• Is an expert archer and tried out for the 1996 Summer Olympics. She finished out of the competition.

Technorati Tags: Geena Davis, Academy Award, Best Supporting Actress, Best Actress, Golden Globe, Olympic Archery, Mensa, Sexiest Stars, Runaway Bride, Saturday Night Live

As Christmas approaches and we start making holiday plans, here are some things to keep in mind.

• That it’s terrible to be alone for the holidays. Reality: This is mostly a projection of married people who fear the unknown or could not tolerate being alone before they were married. The reality is that single people who observe what goes on at holiday get-togethers between couples, 50% of whom are destined to be divorced at some point, think there are worse things than being single.

• That single people are desperate to be invited over for Christmas dinner. Reality: Single people have myriad options and no one to consult. I can go on a cruise, stay home in my bathrobe and declare it a non-holiday, do meaningful volunteer work at the homeless shelter, invite friends over, or get a dinner reservation at a hotel. Or I can accept any one of the numerous invitations I get. Contrary to what you might think, we single people are popular at the holidays. Most of us have accomplished social skills and are welcome additions at holiday gatherings

• Single people don’t know what to do for holidays. Reality: We’re used to planning our social lives actively, good at generating options, used to making unilateral decisions, and accomplished “mixers.” We’re pros!

• Anyone who’s single is fair-game to perform certain social tasks during the holiday celebration. Reality: We like to be cherished guests, just like everyone else. “Can you come for Christmas dinner. I need some help with Aunt Edna?” is not an invitation. If your family doesn’t get along and you’re inviting the single person to “throw a steer in with the bulls,” that’s not nice either. It’s your problem; solve it yourself.

• Single people are available to do certain physical tasks. Reality: This isn’t an invitation either: “Can you come over early and help out in the kitchen. I’ve got my hands full.” What about her husband? Her sisters? As best-friend, yes; as the only working-guest, absolutely not.

• That the only “happy” way to spend the holidays is if you are a couple or part of a family. Reality: If that were so, half the articles on the Internet this time of year wouldn’t be about how to cope with family at the annual holiday get-togethers.

• That single people are miserable during the holidays. Reality: Yes, it can be difficult if it’s their first Christmas after a divorce or after a spouse h as died, but the majority of single people are no more miserable than anyone else, and perhaps less so. Since being single (with grown children), I’ve had the same levels of pleasure, the same good and better holidays, but there’s one thing for sure – I’m more rested, and that in itself goes a long way.

So if you’re thinking about including a single person in your family gathering, make sure it’s because you want them there, not to fulfill a function or because you think they’d be miserable if it weren’t for your invitation. A guest is a guest, whether they’re single or married, and good manners prevail.

by Susan Dunn, MA, The EQ Coach

Technorati Tags: single adults, holiday, Christmas

I don’t think I’ve ever met a man you had hardly any common sense. For you young studs out there looking to hook up with a mature older woman for the experience of a lifetime, here’s a few pointers to get your first date with your hot cougarheaded in the right direction:

• Trust me when I say she won’t be interested in the number of women you’ve slept with and  your ability to drink a 24 without falling down
• She won’t want to hear about your sorry love life. Keep the Ex’s out of the conversation.
• Unless your a sumo wrestler, don’t pig out on that first date. Try not to wipe the spaghetti sauce off your face with your sleeve. Keep those eating noises to a minimum please.
• Stay off that damn cell phone. Put it on mute if necessary.
• Check your attire - no holes, stains etc., and if you’re wearing running shoes find some that aren’t riddled with holes.
• For God’s sake use deordorant. You guys tend to take the term “macho” a little too far.
• You’re probably a little awkward and baffled why the hell she picked you, but if you respond to her conversation with one syllable answers, you’re going to find yourself left high and dry. A mature woman expects her man to be interested in her and be able to hold his own in a conversation
• Some things are on a “Need To Know” basis. Try to keep some of those traumatizing experiences in your past to a minimum. This is a “Get To Know You Date”.
• So you’ve had 8 glasses of wine over dinner and you don’t like the way the guy at the next table is looking at you. I know you’d like to stand up and show her just how “Macho” you really are,  but mature women don’t care to post bail on their first dates
• So she’s not what you expected and probably you’re not what she was hoping for either, so please remember to keep your roaming eye focused on your date. I know the chick at the next table is giving you the eye, but a little courtesy and good manners goes a long way.

These ten little dating tips for a younger man older woman relationship could apply to just about any dating senario.

Technorati Tags: older woman, cougar, younger man older woman

• If you yelled for 8 years, 7  months and 6 days you would have  produced enough sound energy to
  heat one cup of coffee.
  (Hardly seems worth it.)
  
• If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas  is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.
  (Now that’s more like it!) 
• The human heart creates enough  pressure when it pumps out to  the body to squirt blood 30 feet.
  (O.M.G.!) 
• A pig’s orgasm lasts 30 minutes.
  (In my next life, I want to be a pig.) 
• A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death.
  (Creepy, but I’m still not over the pig) 
• Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories a hour
  (Don’t try this at home,maybe at work) 
• The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male’s head off.
  (”Honey, I’m home. What  the..?!”) 
• The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It’s like a human jumping the length of a football field.
  (30 minutes..lucky pig! Can  you imagine?) 
• The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.
  (What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?) 
• Some lions mate over 50 times a day.
  (I still want to be a pig in my next life..quality over quantity) 
• Butterflies taste with their feet
  (Something I always wanted to know.) 
• The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.
  (Hmmmmmm….) 
• Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people.
  (If you’re ambidextrous, do you split the difference?) 
• Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump.
  (okay, so that would be a good thing) 
• A cat’s urine glows under a black light.
  (I wonder who was paid to figure that out?) 
• An ostrich’s eye is bigger than its brain.
  ( Sounds like my ex-husband.) 
• Starfish have no brains
  (Ditto - ex-husband and a few people I know.) 
• Polar bears are left-handed.
  (If they switch, they’ll live a lot longer) 
• Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.
  (What about that pig??) 

Q:  How many women with MENOPAUSE does it take to change a light
bulb?

Woman’sAnswer:
One!
ONLY ONE!!!! And do you know WHY? because  no one else in this house knows HOW to change a light bulb!

They don’t even know that the bulb is BURNED OUT!! They would sit in the dark for THREE DAYS before they figured it out.
And, once they figured it out, they wouldn’t be able to find the #&%!* lightbulbs despite the fact that they’ve been in the SAME CABINET for the past 17 YEARS

But if they did, by some miracle of God, actually find them, 2 DAYS LATER, the chair they dragged to stand on to change the STUPID light bulb would STILL BE IN THE SAME SPOT!!!!! AND UNDERNEATH IT WOULD BE THE WRAPPER THE FREAKING LIGHT BULBS CAME IN!!!

BECAUSE NO ONE EVER PICKS UP OR CARRIES OUT THE GARBAGE!!!! IT’S A WONDER WE HAVEN’T ALL SUFFOCATED FROM THE PILES OF GARBAGE THAT ARE A FOOT DEEP THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE HOUSE!!

IT WOULD TAKE AN ARMY TO CLEAN THIS PLACE! AND DON’T EVEN GET ME STARTED ON WHO CHANGES THE TOILET PAPER ROLL !!

I’m sorry.

What was the question?

What’s funny now? A little humor goes a long way!

I have spent countless thousands cruising, touring and vacationing in all corners of the globe with little or not luck in in this area. Finding a gigilo while travelling just isn’t what it used to be!

I didn’t know I was looking in all the wrong places. I’ve just discovered that I should have been visiting Turkey! A Turkish holiday resort hotel has sacked its entire male staff over their affairs and seductions with female guests.

Manager Pelin Yucel was quoted as saying: “It got beyond a joke. The last straw was when I caught my bartender coming out of a toilet with a woman guest.

“She was embarrassed but he was beaming all over his face.”

The 27-bedroom Image Hotel in Marmaris, where most of the guests are British or Russian, now employs only female staff.

Pelin added that she could rarely reach her night porter because “he was always in bed with one of the customers.

“The waiters would prey on older English women staying at the hotel. They would wait for them to come back from nights out — often drunk — then seduce them.

“They would have one guest one week, wave goodbye to her, and eye up the new guests as they arrived. It was hell.”

It’s a hell I’d have like to spent a week at!

Technorati Tags: gigilo, Turkey, seduction