Flighty Fiction

I've moved. Again.

noreply@blogger.com (The Drama Queen) — Sat, 28 Nov 2009 23:09:00 +0000

Over here. See ya.

Travel woes.

noreply@blogger.com (The Drama Queen) — Sat, 28 Nov 2009 20:42:00 +0000

Well, the problem used to be that I didn't have money to do what I want. Some time later, I finally found a way to have that money -- and so for the last couple of months I have been willingly slaving and working my ass to death for that thing that makes this world go round. And now the problem is, where do I go now? I can think of a hundred places, but it's so hard to pick one. Where do I start? Somewhere closer to home or do I see how far away I can get myself out of here?

Incidentally, how sad is it that Cebu Pacific and Philippine Airlines have no direct flights to Siem Reap or Phnom Penh? I've been eyeing a trip to Cambodia and see the Angkor Wat before taking the bus to Ho Chi Minh City (and maybe take the Mekong Delta cruise). I don't want to have to fly to Bangkok or Kuala Lumpur and take the train/bus to Siem Reap. There's a direct flight to Ho Chi Minh, but I was hoping to fly out of there to Manila instead of the other way around. Hay.

Also, does anyone know of a nice place to stay at in Dumaguete for a week? I've seen a few online, but first-hand information is always better.

Blank is for Chronic.

noreply@blogger.com (The Drama Queen) — Wed, 11 Nov 2009 18:13:00 +0000

It's 2:13 a.m. says my computer. I have only had six hours of sleep in the last two days, and I don't suppose it's gonna get better anytime soon. I should still be writing now--two scripts due on Friday and I doubt they're gonna write themselves. But I can't just yet. I need to write this down.

I realized that the past few days--between my frantic search for the perfect metaphors and the half-assed dialogues I let these random characters churn out, between sleep that wasn't really sleep and wakefulness that wasn't really wakefulness, between what's real and what I chose to believe--has been building up for one explosive epiphany. I had no idea when and how it would strike--I just knew something huge was coming my way.

And now it's here. Nothing could be more random, and nothing could be more real, and nothing could be more painful. Funny how it's so easy to distort the way you see your life just by tilting your head a teeny-weeny bit to one side. It's jarring. Which is why I asked myself if I would really rather suffer through this--knowing this is what's real--or just go back to how I thought I knew things to be?

I get it now. It's a mess, but at least it's a mess I see. That has to count for something. Right? I'm just sorry it took this long for me to know. There are some things you can't find a cure to.

All set.

noreply@blogger.com (The Drama Queen) — Sat, 31 Oct 2009 06:07:00 +0000

This was the scene at yesterday's Comelec voters' registration (October 30). I couldn't get everything in the picture, but just imagine five straight rows of people stretching along one full block. That's how it was. It was the second time we attempted to register because when we first went the day before, we were told the office couldn't accommodate us anymore (we got there around 10am).

The following day, my brother and I got to the office at exactly 7am and felt so proud of ourselves for actually managing to wake up early and to get there an hour before it was supposed to open. Little did we know that we were already the 638th and 639th persons to arrive. Lol.

I took this picture 3 hours later, after making a progress of about 50 feet from our starting point. What really sucked for more than half of the people pictured here was that they were sent home by around 10am because the Comelec office could only accommodate about 1000 people. Only less than half of the number of those who showed up that morning was able to register.

In total, we spent 13 hours standing in line and waiting for forever just to submit our application forms and for our photos to be taken. I really can't complain that much since half of it is our fault for showing up a day before the registration's deadline. Pero sa totoo lang, if you've been slaving yourself for the past six months - as in puyat halos every day of my life - medyo mahirap talagang hanapan ng oras ang registration. Hindi ako nag-e-exaggerate dahil bihira na nga rin akong magkaroon ng time to socialize. Pero yeah, I know I could've done this earlier kung pinagpilitan ko lang. But like I said, hindi naman nag-re-reklamo dahil pumila ako ng matagal. Expected ko na 'yun.

But still, I can't help but notice that there is no clear system as to how the office would go about the registration. They have already anticipated the volume of people, but they were still unprepared to handle it. I was told that for the whole week, ganito ang eksena sa registration so I thought that would have been enough time for them to work out a more efficient system.

The registration itself has five steps. Step 1 is checking of requirements, step 2 is releasing of forms, step 3 is submission of forms, step 4 is precinct assessment, and step 5 is biometrics. For most applicants (first-time voters aged 19 and below), step 2 is often bypassed and were handed out forms as soon as their requirments were checked. In my case, I had to go through step 2 since I failed to vote during the 2007 elections and I wanted to change voting precincts. This proved to be my doom as it took them another 3 hours after getting my requirements checked to hand me an application form.

The applicants spent hours and hours standing in line without accomplishing anything. While we were standing in line waiting for our turn to enter the office so we could have our requirements assessed, it would have been better if a representative or two could have just assessed the requirements habang nakapila 'yung mga tao. Besides, it's not like napakaraming documents ang kelangan tignan. It's just one valid ID, after all. Now, once your requirement has been checked, dapat they should have given us a form na for us to fill out while waiting, so that when we got inside the office, all we have to do is submit and wait for our turn at the biometrics. And after the first 50 or 100 people are done, then saka nila papasukin 'yung next batch para hindi maging crowded sa loob. In my case, since they still needed to verify stuff about my status and they couldn't give me a form right away, it's OK kung pag-antayin pa ako ng mas matagal. And other people who had the same status as me should have been put in a different line/group. Pero for those first-time voters like my brother, registration should have been way easier and faster for them.

What happened kasi was we waited 4 hours to get inside the office and have our requirements checked, then I waited another 3 hours to be handed out an application form. After I filled it out and submitted it, I waited another 4.5 hours for my name to be called to let me know that I can now fall in line to have my photo taken. After my name was called, I spent another 2 hours before I had my turn in biometrics. That's over 13 hours in total! From 7am to 8:30pm. It was pretty much the same for my brother, bawasan mo lang siguro ng 2 hours since he didn't have to wait for the form like I did, but he still had to wait in line for a long time just to submit his completed form.

Anyway, I still believe there's no one else to blame but ourselves. If we had only showed up at least a month ago, wala sanang ganitong hassle. But it wouldn't hurt to wish for a more efficient and reliable system, is it? While I'm at it, how difficult is it really to give voters an option to register online? It only seems the most logical next step for us. How hard could that really be? (I'll save my suggestions on this one for another day.)

And by the way, yesteday's registration was supposed to last til 9pm only. I heard they weren't able to finish everything up til midnight. Hay.

I hate you, Anna Scott.

noreply@blogger.com (The Drama Queen) — Wed, 21 Oct 2009 11:51:00 +0000

It's a warm Sunday afternoon. The sun is bright, and the clouds are playfully shifting in the sky. Around us, the trees dance to a gentle breeze. The grass sways and teases the soles of our feet. It's quiet, save for the muted sound of your gentle hum. With my head on your lap, I close my eyes and try to listen for the sound of my own heartbeat: I hear a steady rhythm--peaceful and full of life. In the distance, I hear faint children's laughter, random chit-chat, and the out-of-tune horn of an impatient passing car. That's right. I almost forgot. We're not alone here, after all.

Absently, your hand strokes the curls of my hair. I open my eyes and stare at the day's paper that hides your face. Behind it, I'm sure, your brows are furrowed as you read intently. My eyes must have pierced right through the thin sheet because you set the paper down as you look at me and smile. Gently, your hand traces the outline of my face, stopping right at my chin. You lean a little further and in a whisper you say, "This is a scene straight out of Notting Hill, isn't it?" I smile and reply, "I can't believe you've seen that movie."

Today, I saw you again, Ms. Anna Scott. And as you lay on that bench, with your head on William's lap, I felt a sharp pain in my gut. A sudden emptiness at where my heart used to be.

After the storm.

noreply@blogger.com (The Drama Queen) — Mon, 28 Sep 2009 17:12:00 +0000

I've been living here in Marikina for close to 20 years now. I was already here back when it was still infamous for having garbage-ridden streets, for flooding even with the slightest drizzle (there was even one instance when my family woke-up to find flood waters inside our bedroom despite having no rain all day long), and for being Metro Manila's rape-murder capital. And I was here when it slowly transformed into the proud, clean, and wonderful city that it is now today.

I love my city. I could never imagine myself living anywhere else. I even told my mom that when I finally get my own place, I'd still live around Marikina.

So it's hard for me to describe just how heartbreaking the images I saw on TV were. And moreso, when I saw the destruction with my very own eyes. To see everything that our city and its people have all worked hard for all these years just get swept away in a matter of hours.

What's even worse is that thousands of people, our friends and relatives included, have experienced great loss and devastation from last weekend's calamity.

Although my family had been lucky enough to be spared, it still doesn't take away from the sadness and gloom. How could I ever be truly happy about the fact that while I was sitting safely and warmly at home--wondering when the rain would let up so that my brother, my cousin, and my mom could finally come home--thousands of families were fighting for their homes and their lives?

I wish my fellow Marikenos strength and determination. So that we may all get through this, one day at a time.

Big girls do cry.

noreply@blogger.com (The Drama Queen) — Sun, 27 Sep 2009 17:06:00 +0000

I find myself crying random tears at random times these days. I don’t exactly know what they are for. I haven’t cried in so long that it’s almost impossible for me to remember in the right chronology the things I should be crying about.

I’m no crybaby. I can count in one hand the number of times when I really had a good cry. But it’s been pretty weird these days. I watch a commercial on TV, and I cry. I brush my hair while looking at myself in the mirror and seconds later, my shoulders are shaking and I’m sobbing like a hysterical woman. I hear a song I’ve never heard before, and tears fall from out of nowhere.

Some people say that life is all about the pursuit of happiness. If that was true, I believe I’m halfway there. Sure, things aren’t perfect. But they’re not that bad, either. So what could be wrong?

Recently, I realized it might have something to do with everything that I’ve chosen to ignore in the past. Quite possibly, they’re finally catching up with me. It’s kind of disappointing and sad that some things I thought were obsolete could still somehow creep up on me and catch me off guard. It kind of shatters the world and my life as I know it today.

It just goes to show that you really can’t run away forever. I try so hard to keep my life simple and streamlined. I weed out from time to time and dispose of things that are no longer relevant. But as it turns out, there are things that just won’t go away. At least until you find something newer, shinier, and fancier to replace it with. And even then, it’s still not a guarantee.

I keep telling myself it’s OK to feel vulnerable sometimes. That I can’t just choose which things to grieve over and which to ignore. There’s just no way for someone to compartmentalize and label life and emotions.

Now if only I could get myself to take my own advice.

Another year.

noreply@blogger.com (The Drama Queen) — Tue, 22 Sep 2009 16:50:00 +0000

Well, let' see. Things could definitely still use some (actually, a lot of) improvement but I also know that it could get a lot worse, as well. I guess the biggest lesson I've learned in the past year is to take the good along with the bad. I mean, if you just ignore the stink and are patient enough to sift through the trash thrown your way (and which you can do nothing about, by the way), you'd sometimes find gold in there. Besides, it forces you to be tough. Admittedly, I've been becoming more of a loner these past months and it was a conscious decision. I needed to stop relying on people to make me feel better and to stop trying to live up to the world's expectations. I just want to become my own person while riding out the storm. Hopefully, my days will get a lot brighter from now on. Cheers!

Fall.

noreply@blogger.com (The Drama Queen) — Mon, 14 Sep 2009 17:14:00 +0000

I was born in September, which would probably make my love for fall a natural attraction. Like love at first sight. Living in the tropics, all I know of fall I learned from books, pictures, and movies. It doesn't make me love it or appreciate it any less than if I were to be standing in the middle of Central Park, surrounded by the red, orange, and brown leaves, fresh from its downward flight. Nothing else in this world--and this goes well and beyond the four seasons (or two, if home for you is somewhere near the equator)--could be more beautiful, poignant, melancholic, hopeful, and breathtaking all at the same time as looking at lush trees--colors changing right before your eyes, leaves circling and dancing with every gust, with the sky and the breeze both caught in a struggle between the eternal sunshine of summer and the chilling promise of winter.

I'm hoping the next fall photo you will see on this blog is of me . . . strolling on Central Park. :)

The Upside of Regret.

noreply@blogger.com (The Drama Queen) — Sat, 15 Aug 2009 06:13:00 +0000

I wish I could say the opposite, but if my life were to magically take human form right now, I'm afraid I'll never be able to look it in the eye and say, "I have no regrets."

I think that life, or my life at least, is meant to have a dash of regret. Without it, I don't think I'll ever learn the difference between the best and worst of choices. In realizing the value of the things I've lost in the past, I have learned to appreciate those that I still have. Regret serves to remind me of how quickly the world could change or how fast an old life could end. It's not always bitter, but there's certainly a hint of sadness.

A long time ago, I made the mistake of not ever saying how I truly felt for someone. That chapter in my life has since been a subject of far too many "should have, would have, could have" reflections. But because of that experience, I have likewise since learned to be honest and to make no apologies for how I feel. It was a life lesson I would have taken longer to learn (granted I eventually would) had I not made a bad call and woken up to regret it.

Over the summer, life decided to give me a new lesson.

Three months ago, I met someone who made me feel capable of taking risks and chasing after the world's infinite possibilities once again. He came at a perfect time--I was at a point (still am) where I was slowly but surely coming into terms with myself. A point where I was finally starting to get a picture, blurry as it may be, of what I truly wanted to get out of this life. And all the dim and hazy parts, he seemed to perfectly lit up and fill out.

Looking back, I'm now more inclined to believe that I was right in thinking that it was all too good to be true. He seemed too good to be true. I had to stop a few times before just to ask myself if the person sitting right in front of me was real or a mere figment of my imagination. Our circumstance was picture-perfect. He was picture-perfect. Which is probably why it ended so suddenly. Perhaps, good things aren't meant to last longer than a heartbeat.

In a month's time, the city that we loved and loved us back became an invisible prison that never failed to remind me of the chance I lost because I refused to take up arms and fight for what I felt. It's true, there is little difference between love and war. Often, one begets the other. But ours was the kind of war where there is no real winner unless one of us chooses to withdraw right from the start. Otherwise, we would both end up broken. Maybe worse.

A few weeks ago, he came to me again. He told me all about regrets--the bitter, agonizing kind. I could only keep still and watch the road as I think of how a "yes" could spin the world around and grant me that elusive happiness. Even if that happiness was likely to be temporary. Superficial, even. A tiny part of me was rejoicing while all that remains was slowly coming into the realization that I was right to say no the first time. And I did so again.

I believe having these little regrets doesn't stop me from being happy. After all, my definition of happiness more or less revolves around the general principle of liking and accepting exactly who you are, what you are, where you are. And I know, had I said yes to him, I wouldn't be too pleased with myself after the giddiness that new love brings wears off.

It hasn't sunk in yet. Not really. But I'm almost sure that one day, the consequences of my actions (or inaction) today would somehow catch up on me. There's a good chance that I'll come to regret this in the future. And I can only hope that when that happens, I could still get a chance to fight a good fight and put another good lesson to use.

I need these regrets. They serve to remind me of how quickly the world could change or how fast an old life could end. It's not always bitter, but there's almost always a hint of sadness. But in this world, there's a lot of sorrow to go around. So I'm more or less used to it now.

***

And on that note, indulge me:

An Open Letter to Pres. Barack Obama

noreply@blogger.com (The Drama Queen) — Wed, 29 Jul 2009 10:53:00 +0000

HELP US SPREAD THIS OPEN LETTER AROUND SO THAT IT REACHES THE EYES OF US PRESIDENT BARACK OBAMA AHEAD OF THE MEETING Here’s the Open letter. It was signed by Teofisto Guingona Jr., former Senate Presidents Jovito Salonga and Franklin Drilon, former SC justice Camilo D. Quiason, former senators Wigberto Tanada, Sergio Osmena III, Vicente Paterno Jr., Agapito “Butch” Aquino, and former secretaries Josefina T. Lichauco, former solicitor-general Frank Chavez, Corazon Soliman, Juan Santos, Jejomar Binay, and Bro. Eddie Villanueva, Sr. Mary John Mananzan, Atty. Harry Roque and Jun Lozada.

AN OPEN LETTER TO PRESIDENT BARACK OBAMA

July 29, 2009

HIS EXCELLENCY PRESIDENT BARACK OBAMA
Washington District of Columbia
United States of America

Dear Mr. President,

We shared the wonderful jubilation of the American people during your historic election triumph. When you assumed office early this year, we rejoiced at the audacious hope that you inspired, and on your promise of change for the common good.

We joined all freedom loving people of the world who exulted when you declraed that “those who cling to power through corruption and deceit and the silencing of dissent…are on the wrong side of history.”

The Filipino People share the same morals, ideals and aspirations that define the envied way of life of the American people. Filipinos yearn for the same kind of leaders that the American people yearn for themselves; leaders who are imbued with the right values, lead principled lives, and govern with the highest ethical standards. The ideals of justice, democracy and the upliftment of human rights animate the Filipino people’s dreams of a better world in much the same way that these ideals animate the dreams of the American people.

Upon your invitation, President Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo will have the chance to meet with you on July 30, 2009. In your meeting with Ms. Arroyo, it may serve you well to be mindful of Ms. Arroyo’s legacy of corruption, extra-judicial killings, enforced disappearances, torture, bribery, election cheating, among others. We do not wish to belabor you with the details of these high crimes which have surely been documented and reported by the U.S. State Department to your office.

The Filipino People also yearn for change from the effrontery of hopelessness and the curse of decadence that Ms. Arroyo represents. In your meeting with Mrs. Arroyo, we feel confident that you will make clear to her that a Government that does not comply with Principles of Democracy and respect for Human Rights cannot have the approval and support of your administration. We implore you Mr. President to inspire hope and be an instrument of change for the common good of the long suffering Filipino People.

signed.

Let's talk about hair.

noreply@blogger.com (The Drama Queen) — Sat, 18 Jul 2009 15:52:00 +0000

Warning: If vanity and other superficial stuff make you puke, the following post isn't for you. :D

I feel kind of bad for not blogging so much these days. I remember telling myself last year that I should write more stuff on here but as we all know, when real life takes over it's kind of difficult to keep it synced with cyberspace (with the exception of Facebook, I think. Lol). But when I checked my blog earlier tonight, I realized how much my posts has really dwindled in the last couple of months. And so here I am, blogging. BUT, since I'm totally trying to avoid a certain topic (there's a hint you can't possibly miss a couple of posts down) and the melodrama that will surely ensue once I start writing about it, I've come to the decision that I will just talk about my new haircut. Lol. It's time to be, like, so babaw and vain.

So, like, last year I traded in my severe bun--which I've been rocking since the day I learned to wash, brush, and tie my hair on my own, thanks to my long, thick, curly, and IMPOSSIBLE to manage hair--for a straight, shoulder-length, layered hairstyle. After years and years of not wanting chemicals to touch even the wiry tips of my locks, I finally succumbed to the tempting promise of hair rebonding. It was such a big deal for me because I just never thought I'd see the day when I'd look at myself in the mirror and see straight hair. Haha.

Anyway, I really liked it during the first month (and I got good feedbacks from friends, too). But as soon as it started growing back again, it began to annoy the heck out of me--I didn't like how it ALWAYS got in the way (like when I'm reading or eating) or that it got all sticky when I'm out walking in the sun (I'm one of those unlucky people who sweat a lot in my forehead and nape area) or that it was just A LOT of hair sitting on my head and it was all over the place--and so I immediately reverted to my old ways. For the next several months, I was running around in a ponytail. I didn't want to go back to the salon and have them work their magic on my hair again because the idea of spending P3,000 plus-plus for my hair alone just doesn't sit well with me. I'd rather spend it on shoes or books or bags or clothes--which was what I did, lol.

I just couldn't get used to long, unrestrained hair--another reason why I didn't want to have another rebonding session because I know I won't ever like long hair, anyway. Sayang lang, I thought. What I've always wanted though was to cut my hair short. However, I was wary about the idea because 1) I couldn't imagine how I'd look with short hair and 2) I wasn't sure if the cut I wanted would really suit the shape of my face.

It's a good thing that around January, I saw Jennifer Hudson's hairstyle on the music video for her song Spotlight. She was rocking a short, fuss-free 'do and I thought, "Hmm, she's got the same fleshy and rounded face that I do and yet that graduated bob she's sporting--with bangs!--seems to work fine for her." Here, take a gander at how sassy she looked (By the way, I covet her entire outfit in this photo.):

Exhibit A

See what I mean? And so I made up my mind and decided that that's the hair I want--or at least something similar to it. After consulting with my mom and a couple of friends, plus seeing Angelica Panganiban on TV with an even shorter hairstyle (again, another rounded face), I thought I ought to give it a try. Although, I have to admit I wasn't really sold about the whole bangs thing.

Exhibit B

Anyhoo, it actually took me a few months to get my ass into a salon (you'll be amazed with how much I procrastinate) and have ten inches of hair cut off. When I told the stylist what I wanted done, he actually tried to talk me out of it because my hair was sayang daw. But no, ang init-init kaya! So finally, last July 3, after spending five hours in the salon (last time I had my hair rebonded, I sat in the salon for six hours. From 10am to 4pm. I was so hungry, not to mention bored out of my wits, by the time I finished. This time though, I was smart enough to eat before heading to the salon and even remembered to bring a book. Haha), I finally got the hair I wanted.

Exhibit C

It isn't exactly like Jennifer Hudson's hair but the cut is generally the same. J. Hud's hair is a bit too edgy from what I could actually work so I opted for a more "realistic" cut with longer bangs swept to the side (I can't believe I'm actually doing bangs all of a sudden. Haha). And although it's not obvious in the picture, I actually had it colored dark brown (sometimes dark reddish brown, depends on the light). Also, I look like shit in this picture. I went to the salon straight from the office and I haven't had a decent sleep since March. But this is the only photo I managed to take immediately after the haircut, so there.

However, as with all good things, there is a downside. My brother Red, in an ultimate act of pang-aasar, is insisting that I really copied my hair from Katrina Halili! Grr! Heller, it's a totally different style kaya! He knows that I never ever liked her so he's really trying to annoy me to death and he's doing a helluva job. Hahaha! (But I admit, Katrina's hair does look nice.)

Exhibit D

Seriously now, happy as I am with the result, I was a bit worried about how it's really gonna look like once the hair treatment and the chemicals and the ironing wear off. I mean, I don't have a stylist on-call to fix my hair every time I step out of the house. And personally, I believe that if you spend a few thousand bucks on your hair, you're not supposed to have bad hair days. Far-fetched, I know. Anyway, I got to wondering if it's actually going to be as manageable as I hoped it would be.

Fortunately, it didn't prove to be too much of a disaster. Here's how it looked in its "normal" state two weeks later:

Exhibit E

Well, it's definitely not as flat as when I first stepped out of the salon. It's also a bit poufy now and has more volume than I'd prefer but in general, I think it's still OK. Plus, I like the fact that I don't look like a hag in the morning, I don't scare my three-year-old nephew when I'm brushing my hair (100 times on each side. Hahaha!), it doesn't get all sticky and sweaty when it's really hot, and that I don't use A LOT of shampoo and conditioner when I take a shower. (By the way, does anybody notice how hideous my eyebags are?)

But heaven help me because I don't know how to iron it properly. The sides, I can deal with. But how the eff do I get to the back part of the hair?! How do you do that? I'm convinced people who can iron their own hair the right way have a secret pair of eyes and limbs growing on their backs.

An Update.

noreply@blogger.com (The Drama Queen) — Thu, 09 Jul 2009 05:25:00 +0000

It's always been very difficult for me to just keep things to myself. When there's something important (be it exciting or heart-breaking) happening in my life, I always have to share it to at least a couple of my closest friends. Recently, however, this hasn't been the case for me.

The last few months had been very unsteady. A lot of challenges came my way, both in my work and in my personal life. And although I may have dropped a few hints or mentioned a thing or two about my current situation, I've never really sat down and spilled all the things that has been troubling me--which is probably the main reason why going through the whole ordeal was a lot harder than necessary.

I have never felt more disconnected from my family, friends, and the rest of the world, for that matter than during the last few months. A lot of my friends would say that it's no one else's fault but mine. True, I do have my moments when I get too tired and just choose to retreat and to be alone. I guess I just didn't expect that something huge would drop on me during my "hermit" period. In a way, it's been a blessing. At least now I can honestly say that I can keep my mouth shut (haha) and deal with things on my own.

A lot of things happened and a lot more came to pass. In terms of my career, I've decided to chase after something I've always wanted. Right now, I'm just waiting for it to either say yes or reject me. As a form of sacrifice, and to let The One In-Charge know how badly I want this, I've also decided to quit smoking. I know making deals isn't the best way to ask for His favor but I don't know how else I can let Him know that I'm dead serious.

On the other hand, my personal life is on another rollercoaster. Since X and I called it quits a couple of years back, a few friends have been suggesting that I go out and start seeing other people. While I have nothing against the idea per se, I just really never thought about it and the opportunity to date just never presented itself. But around midsummer, someone entered the picture. It didn't last long however; it was too obvious it wouldn't amount to anything serious (or maybe I just didn't want it to) so I simply let it run its course and allowed myself to do something foolish while it lasted--just for the heck of it. I don't know why I let it slip so easily, especially since I knew that he was only waiting for me to agree and give it a second try. I'm not sure if I've grown cynical over the years or I'm just becoming too much of a guy.

Less than a month later, those doubts were suddenly proven wrong. Another one came waltzing in and made me realize that I'm not so indifferent, after all. It was unexpected, but I was more taken aback by how much I enjoyed having him around. I wasn't planning on playing any games nor was I looking for anything serious so I just did what I thought was best: played it by ear and simply went along. As the days passed, I was pleasantly surprised at how things were shaping up between us.

But, I was even more surprised with myself. Contrary to what most friends would expect, I was mum about the whole thing. I guess I don't need to tell you how highly uncharacteristic this is of me. The fact that I've been blogging for seven years now should tell you that I'm the type of person who likes to share things about my life and myself. But this time, I had to stop running my mouth. One of the reasons is because we both had to keep things professional. Even if we're not working in the same company, our positions had us working together in a delicate set-up. And more importantly, after years and years of figuring in a love story that just kept dragging and repeating itself for what seemed like forever, I thought I owed it to myself to keep things under the radar this time. It didn't feel right talking about something that is yet to amount to something. And I guess I just didn't want to sound like I'm in a hurry. That I'm blowing things out of proportion or that I'm putting way too much meaning over nothing.

It went well for a while. We met for lunch, coffee after work, and because he knew how paranoid I was of public transport because of the swine flu pandemic, he often gave me a ride home. For the first time in years, I was with a guy who made me feel liked and wanted and didn't let me doubt that feeling even for one second. He made me remember how it feels like to care for another person.

It was still too soon to say any big words to each other but it didn't really matter then. And in hindsight, I'm glad that we didn't say anything. Because if we had, it would have only made what happened next so much worse than it already is.

A few weeks back, I was blindsided. They say that when something is too good to be true, it probably really is. It turns out that he's no different from the last person who broke my heart and there's just no way around it. If you know what kind of hell I've been through with my past relationship, you'd understand that no amount of profuse apologies could ever forgive deceit. In a heartbeat, it was over. I tell myself that I have no reason to be hurt. That it was no big deal. It wasn't anything special and I have no reason to cry. But then again I'm too stupid to believe even an ounce of that bullshit. Right now, I wish I could say I don't care and really mean it.

All these happened in what is perhaps the most eventful and emotionally straining three months of my life. What's funnier is that it all started around summer again. In my past blogs, I've written about how I dreaded summers. How it has always been my season of heartbreaks. I thought I broke that spell last year but it looks like it's back with a vengeance.

I know some of my friends wouldn't believe that I actually managed to keep all this to myself. I don't blame them--I can't believe it, either. There were definitely moments when I was convinced I'd go crazy if I don't text or buzz a friend on YM. A lot of things were happening too fast, too soon and I was hanging clueless and confused one too many times. The only reason I can talk about it now is because it's all over. It doesn't make the pain go away but at least now I no longer have to act like everything's OK. Besides, what's the point of keeping something a secret if that something isn't there anymore, anyway?

I'm a believer of the saying that everything happens for a reason. You may not always like it or you may not always agree with it, but I know that things don't just happen at random or just because. I'm hoping that soon I'll get my head around as to why things ended up like this. Because as of right now, I still don't get why I needed to be hurt this way again. What else don't I know about heartbreak and pain? At this point, I can already probably write a whole encyclopedia about it and still have enough for a second and third edition.

***

She's Been Writing
Ocean Colour Scene

The village girl, ain't it just the way?
Grows her hair long and paints her face
Nobody calls her anyway, it's a shame

Here we go, she knows it all
Writes it all down to tell us all
Nobody hears her at all anymore

She's been writing
She's been writing
She's been
She's been writing

At the fighting bar she knows the law
She'll just get up and sock you on the jaw
After all, she's been in love before nevermore

She's been writing
She's been writing
She's been
She's been writing

Between the stages and the sad refrains, you know she sings
I'm just a dreamer scheming for the show
Between the pages I can hardly stand the pain
The changes brought yo you before you had to go

Sandy girl, ain't it just the way
Grows her hair long and makes mistakes
Nobody calls her anyway nevermore

She's been writing
She's been writing
She's been
She's been writing

Give and take.

noreply@blogger.com (The Drama Queen) — Fri, 03 Jul 2009 13:10:00 +0000

OK, I've thought about it long and hard and today I've finally decided: If You say yes, I'll quit smoking. NO JOKE. This is how badly I want YOU. Please say yes.

And yet another career woes edition.

noreply@blogger.com (The Drama Queen) — Sun, 21 Jun 2009 22:58:00 +0000

Half of the year is done and I’m stalled. Unlike the previous year, 2009 started on shaky footing but I had hoped that somewhere along the way, things would get steadier. It didn’t.

They say that the key to success isn’t in waiting for an opportunity but in creating one for yourself. And once it comes by, you have to grab it by the neck. However, it seems that every opportunity I grab a hold of is either a dead-end or not what I had hoped it would be.

This is the fifth job I’ve had since graduating more than five years ago. When a friend and I counted the years that we’ve been part of the workforce, mine fell just a little short of four years. It didn't bother me as much as it was supposed to. I have no problem quitting a job that only makes me miserable and I was never afraid that I won’t find a replacement right away. An opportunity would always present itself and I never had to embark on a serious job-hunting. Something would always conveniently fall on my lap and I would take that as a sign. Sure, it wasn’t always the most pragmatic of choices but back then it always worked.

The ironic thing is that just when I thought I was being practical and decided to let go of my come-what-may lifestyle for what I had hoped to be greener pastures, everything started to go downhill once again. I prided myself with my principle to never work just for the paycheck. However, as I got older, the numbers suddenly started to matter. Perhaps one of the saddest days of my adult life was when I realized and accepted just how important money is in this world. I’m not ashamed to admit that the only reason I took this job was because of how happy it’s gonna make my bank account. Not because it’s going to look good in my resume. Not because I’m finally given a good spot up that all too important corporate ladder. I took this job regardless of how wobbly the whole set up was (and still is) because of the money.

For the past four months, I’ve been busting my behind for an ambitious start-up magazine project. And we all know what the problem is with start-ups: it’s as solid and concrete as vapor. But screw job security, I thought, I need cold cash and I need it fast. Besides, for someone who has worked freelance for more than a year, I’m the last person to demand job security. Do I hate myself for it? Yes, because I never wanted myself to turn into the kind of person who just looks forward to the paycheck that comes in every 15 days. I've always held a certain pride over the fact that I wasn't working for money. And no, because I tell myself that this is just a means to an end. But as of late, it hardly seems worth it. Even if money makes the world go round, there are still things that I can’t put a price tag to. And it pleases me to know that I haven’t forgotten what those things are.

I always thought that I could just somehow wing it and stick to my gameplan (regardless of how uncharacteristic or preposterous it sounds): travel around the world, work odd jobs wherever I end up to pay for three meals (or two, because I’m on perpetual diet) and a room, write about the places I’ve seen, and maybe fall in love along the way with a like-minded soul who share the same passions. That’s my grand plan. That’s how I want my life to be. Not a big shot magazine editor. Not a high-powered communications VP in a multinational company. Not an in-demand corporate publicist or agency director.

This may sound silly but the only reason I’m saving up these days is so that I can have enough money to roam and to disappear for at least a year. If you think it’s so ridiculous I might as well be living in a tiny bubble in a fairytale world, I don’t blame ya. I used to scold myself for not wanting and working for the same things that my friends and peers are eyeing. I thought I was just making excuses to hide the fact that I'm not hard-working enough or capable enough or strong enough to measure up. Fortunately, I somehow managed to grow up just a tad--enough for me to learn not to belittle what I have and how I have done so far.

Like what a friend said, we all have our own definitions of success. With my current career woes and state of mind, my prospects are looking grim. Again. There’s another roadblock in front of me and I honestly don’t know what to do next. But I’m not yet ready to give up my dreams of a gypsy life. And I’m hoping I won't ever have to.

Votes, pathetic politicians, and video scandals.

noreply@blogger.com (The Drama Queen) — Fri, 29 May 2009 15:09:00 +0000

A few months back, I was a frequent visitor of the Senate's official website while doing my research for an article about granting subpoena power to local legislative bodies. The bill was first filed in the House of Representatives in 2004 by Bohol representative Edgardo Chatto. A counterpart bill was subsequently filed in the Senate authored by Sen. Miriam Defensor-Santiago.

There are several important implications of the bill, chief of which is the empowerment of our local sanggunians or local councils. It will allow them to summon certain individuals, public or private, for investigations and inquiries as well as include local councils in the planning and implementation of national projects. Of course, there will always be room for abuse and with our political culture it's difficult to imagine that our politicians would pass any legislation or resolution out of the goodness of their hearts. But still, this piece of legislation is crucial if we want to strengthen the existing RA 7160 or Local Government Code which, by the way, is almost two decades old.

However, the bill, together with thousands of other equally important proposed laws and resolutions, is stagnating both in Congress and in the Senate - waiting to be heard and to be reviewed. Why? Because apparently, our senators have more important things to think and to comment about. Like Hayden Kho and Katrina Halili.

As of this writing, the infamous doctor and starlet are still making headlines both in newspapers and on TV. An official senate inquiry on the case has been conducted and true to their nakiki-ride lang fashion, we haven't heard from the so-called special inquiry since.

It's appalling, actually. I'm not the first one to lament and be disgusted by the quality (or lack thereof) of the leaders we put into power. One of the absurdest things I have seen on TV recently is Jamby Madrigal adamantly pushing for the special inquiry on the video scandal when a few other senators were already calling it off. It got even more horrific when she called out Sen. Allan Peter Cayetano and accused him of being envious because he was not chosen to head the committee charged with the inquiry. Can someone just please do me a favor and shoot her down already?

I know we're a Third World country but can we not bask in it so much? We embrace it like it is such a good thing. We're already lagging behind our neighbors - be it in economic, political, or technological aspects - and in some cases, we are even moving backwards. The saddest part of it all is that we keep playing the part of an outdated, backward nation that gets more shaken by scandalous videos of celebrities than by the injustices and poverty experienced by our farmers whose pleas and appeals for reforms our beloved leaders seem to have no problem ignoring.

As a nation, we have our priorities whacked. Where else can you find senators who dedicate privilege speeches in the senate on a video scandal when all that time and effort could instead be used to advance more important issues such as the lack of resources in our public schools, the land reforms for farmers, and the controversial automation of our elections? I'm surprised that they can talk about issues as recent as this video scandal and form an investigative committee RIGHT AWAY when past scandals and investigations like ZTE are never to be heard from again. And all this, by the way, is happening while the A(H1N1) virus is slowly inching its way within our borders. And even more laughable is that the senate inquiry on Kho was started and concluded BEFORE the investigation on Manny Villar's ethics case was even started, which, by the way, was also filed by Madrigal herself. Wow.

Some of these officials condone the election of showbiz personalities into public seats but they are acting very showbiz-y themselves. Jamby Madrigal, in particular, reminds me of a showbiz has-been who will do or say anything just to gain any semblance of fame again. (And cripes, don't even get me started on Bong Revilla.) The scent of desperation reeks in the airwaves every time Madrigal appears on TV talking about how the video scandal is an abuse not just to Halili but to all women. I agree. There was no consent given and it was exploitative. But as a senator, shouldn't you be passing legislations that support your advocacy to stop violence and abuses against women instead of going on TV and trying desperately to be of relevance? As a senator, shouldn't you be doing more and leave the tabloid issues to, well, the tabloids? Or have our leaders now sank an all-time low that they can no longer tell which is cheap tabloid antics from legitimate senate business?

If Paris Hilton or Kim Kardashian just knew that video scandals would get this much attention here, I bet they would have let us get first crack of their award-winning performances. They'd probably hold an exclusive double premiere in Megamall.

I guess with the elections coming up, it brings out the best and worst of our leaders. But mostly the worst. Sometimes, the idea that our country is being led by these kind of people, that we are entrusting our future and our children's children's future to these so-called leaders, turns my stomach.

With less than a year before the elections, I guess most of us are already thinking about whom to vote for. I am not. I would rather waste my vote by not voting at all rather than choose a candidate whose only advantage and qualification is that because he or she is the lesser evil. Because in the end, they all turn out the same - so vile and fetid they make rotten eggs smell like rainbow sherbet and strawberry fields. I've learned my lesson well. This time, I won't be part of any of our corrupt officials's grand master plans. I am entitled to my own vote and I'm not going to let these pathetic excuse for leaders use and exploit it for their self-serving purposes. I'm not going to vote for the sake of voting.

They say you have to vote if you want to be heard. True. But when you vote, it also has to be for someone whom you trust and believe in. So I'm not voting and here's why: you all suck. I can't say that loud enough.

Stress Buster.

noreply@blogger.com (The Drama Queen) — Fri, 22 May 2009 18:39:00 +0000

This is how I release all my stress and frustrations. My only regret is that I was late into discovering it. I had a rather slow progress when I started but now I've unearthed some techniques and I think I'm doing pretty good. Hahaha! Gahd, ang babaw ko.

What's inside. (Click to enlarge image.)

About five minutes ago, my restaurant hit 50 popularity points! The highest possible popularity rating in the game. After careful layout planning, ingredient-hunting, and cash-saving, I finally made it! Hahaha!

My restaurant's exterior is European cottage-inspired.

I wanted to make my resto a little different from how my friends decorated theirs. Hence, the theme. The name Tea and Sympathy is taken from a Jars of Clay song of the same title. :D

It's no secret that I'm a big fan of PC games. What makes Restaurant City* or RC so addictive, at least for me, is because it lets me live out my dreams of owning a restaurant/bar. Acquiring rare ingredients would really let you practice your bargaining and trading skills. Leveling up your recipes (the higher the level, the more gourmet points you get. Gourmet points are needed in upgrading the size of your resto and in acquiring additional staff) is also quite a challenge because some ingredients are so difficult to find. You have to manage your resources well and be smart in choosing which recipes to upgrade first or else you'll get stuck. The trick is to pick recipes with more common ingredients and focus on acquiring those first. So it's important that you know which ingredients are actually rare and not be deceived by the star rating of each (in the game, ingredients are given stars which I guess is supposed to determine how valuable they are. However, common real-life items such as tomatoes, onions, and garlic are only given one star in RC but are actually hard to come by. Saffron, on the other hand, has five stars but I actually get them almost every time I log in to play. Prawn, which has three stars, is the rarest ingredient and it's like you've found the Holy Grail itself if you have it on your list of items).

I think it's also cute and fun that you can hire your friends to be your resto staff. I had a hard time deciding who I'm going to get as a cleaner/janitor because the person might take offense. Haha! I thought about hiring myself as the janitor instead but then I wouldn't be able to indulge my fantasies of being a gourmet chef.

As of the moment, I have Sher, Marvin, Rhas, my sister Nin, and myself working as chefs while Abbie and my officemate Mac are my waitresses. I employed Pao as the cleaner and I'm hoping he knows it's nothing personal. Hahaha!

There are still a few kinks in the game. After all, it's still in beta stage. It could also certainly use some more defined points system. Another thing that kind of bugs me a little about the game is even if you buy/upgrade your stoves, it doesn't improve cooking speed or anything.

Very recently, they added a new feature to the game which is the Vendor standing right outside your resto. Obviously, he's selling ingredients, including rare ones, but they're very expensive. Personally, I'm not too enthusiastic about the idea because I think it dampens the excitement a little bit and ruins the game economy. And because the ingredients have such steep price tags, the hard-earned money you saved for furniture/decor upgrades will now have to be used for ingredients, as well. And those stuff don't come cheap: I just bought a Salad leaf for 9,000. So there goes my budget for the resto's Retro Arcade Machine.

But overall, I think the game's still pretty awesome. So awesome that I had to blog about it. Haha! Watching the little waiters and cooks serve up customers is kind of hypnotic, actually.

*Restaurant City is an MMO resource management game and is one of Facebook's most played applications from Playfish Social Games. It lets you run your very own restaurant and employ your friends to work for you as waiters and chefs. As you progress in the game, you can improve and redecorate your restaurant with its wealth of different decorations, furniture, and equipment to make it stand out. You can visit your friends' restaurants too and trade ingredients with them to help you create a menu which ensures your restaurant is the talk of the town! (Lifted from the official website.)

Behind the wheel.

noreply@blogger.com (The Drama Queen) — Wed, 06 May 2009 16:30:00 +0000

At first, I couldn't get my head around why I suck at driving. Especially since I'm the type of person who never stops trying and learning about something new until I know I've mastered it for sure. Or in worst cases, understood and accepted why I'll never be good at it. In the case of driving, I can't accept why I suck at it. Teenagers barely out of their mothers's wombs hijack their dads's cars and take them out for a ride ala Fast and the Furious all the time, so why can't I?

Granted, I don't know how to do a lot of simple things which doesn't really require special skills and talent. Like swimming or riding a bike. But I don't know how to do these things simply because I never had a chance to learn them. During our recent trip to Palawan, Abbie and Sher gave me impromptu swimming lessons. I wasn't the best student but I did learn and pick up a few things.

Three weeks ago, we got a new mountain bike. My brother Red had been pestering me about giving me biking lessons. When I finally said yes, I got the hang of it sooner than I expected. Fifteen minutes after hopping on to the thing, I was already pedaling around the garden. (Yes, after 25 years, I now officially know how to ride a bike. Yey me!)

But driving, man, I so suck at it. In theory and in practice (well, sort of), I do know how to keep the engine and the car running. I can switch gears without looking. I never forget to use the signal lights. I can park as long as I'm not sandwiched between two other vehicles. However, all these comes with contrived efforts and apprehension instead of instinct and reflexes. I understand that it takes lots of practice and experience before the car can become almost like an extension of your own body but I'm afraid I'll never get to that point. Mostly because I can't get over my fear. And the fact that I suck at estimating distance and space. I should probably drive with the hazard lights on all the time.

It's a pity because during the few times that I was actually allowed to drive a good distance away from home (back when I used to drive from Marikina to Makati, before I had my minor driving accidents), I had enjoyed it a lot. Driving alone at night was especially therapeutic -- what with the city lights blurring as you sped past buildings and highways. Not to mention that I've always wanted to drive along EDSA at no less than 100 kph.

I'm relearning how to drive again. And because I'm no longer using my dad's car, the fear has been somewhat alleviated. But only a little. I'm giving it a couple of weeks. If I don't do any better by then, I'm giving up driving forever. So until then, I'm putting my dream of a grand road trip on hold.

The Who?

noreply@blogger.com (The Drama Queen) — Fri, 24 Apr 2009 14:24:00 +0000

(Most of it is dead-on while some are totally new to my ears. I'll leave it to you to guess which is which. Hehe.)

Portrait of an ISFP - Introverted Sensing Feeling Perceiving

(Introverted Feeling with Extraverted Sensing)

The Artist

As an ISFP, your primary mode of living is focused internally, where you deal with things according to how you feel about them, or how they fit into your value system. Your secondary mode is external, where you take things in via your five sense in a literal, concrete fashion.

ISFPs live in the world of sensation possibilities. They are keenly in tune with the way things look, taste, sound, feel and smell. They have a strong aesthetic appreciation for art, and are likely to be artists in some form, because they are unusually gifted at creating and composing things which will strongly affect the senses. They have a strong set of values, which they strive to consistently meet in their lives. They need to feel as if they're living their lives in accordance with what they feel is right, and will rebel against anything which conflicts with that goal. They're likely to choose jobs and careers which allow them the freedom of working towards the realization of their value-oriented personal goals.

ISFPs tend to be quiet and reserved, and difficult to get to know well. They hold back their ideas and opinions except from those who they are closest to. They are likely to be kind, gentle and sensitive in their dealings with others. They are interested in contributing to people's sense of well-being and happiness, and will put a great deal of effort and energy into tasks which they believe in.

ISFPs have a strong affinity for aesthetics and beauty. They're likely to be animal lovers, and to have a true appreciation for the beauties of nature. They're original and independent, and need to have personal space. They value people who take the time to understand the ISFP, and who support the ISFP in pursuing their goals in their own, unique way. People who don't know them well may see their unique way of life as a sign of carefree light-heartedness, but the ISFP actually takes life very seriously, constantly gathering specific information and shifting it through their value systems, in search for clarification and underlying meaning.

ISFPs are action-oriented individuals. They are "doers", and are usually uncomfortable with theorizing concepts and ideas, unless they see a practical application. They learn best in a "hands-on" environment, and consequently may become easily bored with the traditional teaching methods, which emphasize abstract thinking. They do not like impersonal analysis, and are uncomfortable with the idea of making decisions based strictly on logic. Their strong value systems demand that decisions are evaluated against their subjective beliefs, rather than against some objective rules or laws.

ISFPs are extremely perceptive and aware of others. They constantly gather specific information about people, and seek to discover what it means. They are usually penetratingly accurate in their perceptions of others.

ISFPs are warm and sympathetic. They genuinely care about people, and are strongly service-oriented in their desire to please. They have an unusually deep well of caring for those who are close to them, and are likely to show their love through actions, rather than words.

ISFPs have no desire to lead or control others, just as they have no desire to be led or controlled by others. They need space and time alone to evaluate the circumstances of their life against their value system, and are likely to respect other people's needs for the same.

The ISFP is likely to not give themself enough credit for the things which they do extremely well. Their strong value systems can lead them to be intensely perfectionist, and cause them to judge themselves with unneccesary harshness.

The ISFP has many special gifts for the world, especially in the areas of creating artistic sensation, and selflessly serving others. Life is not likely to be extremely easy for the ISFP, because they take life so seriously, but they have the tools to make their lives and the lives of those close to them richly rewarding experiences.

Jungian functional preference ordering:

Dominant: Introverted Feeling
Auxilliary: Extraverted Sensing
Tertiary: Introverted Intuition
Inferior: Extraverted Thinking

Far North.

noreply@blogger.com (The Drama Queen) — Fri, 24 Apr 2009 08:40:00 +0000

A what-the-fuck movie is what I call a movie with a twist so bizarre and so unexpected that you literally have to pick up your jaw from the floor and wire it shut to keep it from falling again. It's a movie that leaves you shocked, speechless, and derailed. The twist has to be something you haven't ever seen anywhere else before. In short, this doesn't include the cliche "bad guy turns out to be the good guy" and vice versa.

A what-the-fuck twist in a what-the-fuck movie could be a heart-tugging surprise (The Sixth Sense. There was no other movie like it when it first came out.), an annoying turn that makes the audience feel cheated and the whole movie seem stupid (um, The Village. Need I say more?), or something completely, fantastically earth-shattering that makes your head spin and stomach turn. Far North (2007) falls under the latter category.

I have this thing against movies that dangle certain twists happening in the film that leads to "a shocking ending." When I read something like that on a DVD sleeve, I almost always end up buying it so I could find out if the ending is really THAT shocking. Almost all the time though, those movies end up "meh" or too predictable at best. In short, there's really nothing so shocking about it, at all--just a rehash of all the plot twists and turns we've all seen. So when I picked out Far North after reading its promise of "a bizarre and shocking ending", I was of course skeptical.

I was wrong; the movie wasn't lying, at all.

The film is an independent production from Indian-born British director Asif Kapadia, which stars Michelle Yeoh, Michelle Krusiec, and Sean Bean. Set in the bitter wilderness of the Artic tundra (can you imagine what filming on location for this movie might have been?), Far North is a tale of isolation, loneliness, and trust. It revolves around two women with a violent past, Saiva (Yeoh) and the younger and innocent Anja (Krusiec). They live a simple and desolate existence--barely providing for themselves in the middle of the harsh environment while trying to hide from the rest of the world. In the opening scene, Saiva resorts to killing one of their sled dogs for food and tells Anja it is a "reindeer".

While out hunting one day, Saiva finds a dying soldier (Loki, played by Sean Bean) sprawled on the ice and decides to nurse him back to health inspite of her warnings to Anja to shoot any man she sees wandering near their camp. Sparked by the stranger's arrival, we learn through a series of flashbacks the reason for Saiva's isolation: when she was born, a shaman has branded her cursed, bringing destruction and despair to anyone who dares get close to her. Growing up, Saiva carries this with her like a disease. After a band of abusive soldiers raid a village, Saiva finds an infant Anja and raises her as her own.

Even with her deep distrust of the world, Saiva soon develops an affection for Loki. But after living in isolation for most of their lives, Anja too starts to flirt with the mysterious stranger, completing a destructive love triangle that leads to a bloody and haunting ending.

Yeoh's performance could very well be her career best as the tough survivor Saiva, moving with quiet strength, mystery, and compassion. Bean and Krusiec also provide solid supporting performances as giddy lovers, oblivious to Saiva's own sorrow and struggle.

Another impeccable character in the movie is the setting itself. Roman Osin captures the raw Artic beauty with his breathtaking cinematography--from the rugged icy mountains and glaciers, dark blue waters, to Saiva and Anja's skin-lined hut. Just like it's main character, the setting is both beautiful and tragic. Stressing their isolation, the film also keeps dialogue at a minimum, opting instead to tell the story through the landscape of emotions in both its characters and the environment.

While a love triangle is a tale as old as time, the film's original storytelling and confronting conclusion make it a disturbingly unforgettable classic. The ending, in particular, shatters all sympathy you may have built up throughout the film and immediately floors you with its graphic and outright boldness.

This is definitely not for the mainstream audience and it surely doesn't try to be. Still, it could easily be one of the best, most original films you will ever see, mainstream or not.

Far North
Directed by Asif Kapadia
Starring Michelle Yeoh, Michelle Krusiec, Sean Bean
Run time: 89 mins.

Wish list.

noreply@blogger.com (The Drama Queen) — Wed, 22 Apr 2009 15:51:00 +0000

I need a drink, a good laugh, and a promise of something better.

Burnout.

noreply@blogger.com (The Drama Queen) — Tue, 14 Apr 2009 19:37:00 +0000

John Legend got it right. We’re just ordinary people and we don’t know which way to go. Most of the time, we just can’t help but crash and burn. Worse, there's a chance we won't survive this, at all.

In all of my 25 years, and yes, even if I don’t really have much to show for it, this is the first time I’m going to say this: I’m tired. I’m so tired of being here. I’m tired of doing this.

You know how they say that you just have to keep moving inspite of the odds stacked against you? It doesn’t work. I think they just say that to try to combat the surging suicide rates (don’t worry, I’m not suicidal. If I was, I wouldn’t have lived to see my 20s).

I tried. Oh, how I tried. I know I did even if some people would think otherwise. I followed my heart. I followed my head. I worked hard. I took a breather. I gave all that was needed of me until I had nothing more to give. I became selfish to be selfless. I gave up religion. I gained faith. I made sacrifices. I pursued my passions only to give them up in the hopes of preparing for a better future. I took a gamble. I held back. I wept. I laughed. I got my heart broken. I learned to forgive. Fuck what everyone else thinks but I know I tried.

I did everything by the book and then thrashed the book altogether and did things my way.

And still nothing - NOTHING - seems to work. Life got suckier and suckier as I grew more and more pessimistic. When I tried to pepper my perspective with a little optimism, I only had disappointments and a heart broken one too many times to show for it. Then I tried to go down the road less traveled. You know, tried to be a bit braver. Tried to not take the easy way out. At first it was impassably rough. I plodded until finally I settled on a decent pace. But just when I finally got my rhythm back, the road pulled a hard one on me and turned out to be an effing dead end.

Of course, there’s still that option of climbing the mighty wall, jumping off the other side while hoping for the best (translation: with all your limbs working fine and intact). An option I took, fyi. But just as I was about to make that leap of faith, I found my landing zone to be rigged with landmines and metal spikes.

Nothing. Seems. To work. It doesn’t matter what I do. My choices and my decisions are only relevant so that whoever is responsible for making things turn out the way they do can find new and exciting ways to throw me off course. It almost feels deliberate. Almost like a conspiracy. And I’m almost going crazy just thinking about it.

Sometimes, I think it all boils down to timing. Everybody knows that being at the right place at the right time can spell the difference between a lifetime of misery and blissful eternity.

What if I’ve been making all the right decisions at the wrong-est of all time? If yes, how do I know if the time is right? And more importantly, IF yes, what does that make me? Wasting all that blood, sweat, and tears the whole time when all that was really needed of me was to just sit down and light a cigarette. Does this mean that all my efforts had been for naught? Worse, does this mean I’m back at where I started because everything had just been rendered irrelevant and inconsequential. Given the poor timing, and all.

But whether or not my incapacity to recognize if the time is right is to blame, one thing remains unchanged: I’m tired. I’m sick of overplanning and then not planning, at all. I’m tired of figuring out my next move. I’m fucking tired of making sure I’m always on steady grounds and I’m tired of waiting for the chance to prove to myself and everyone else that I CAN take big risks. I’m tired of trying to figure out the reason for my being here. Because, really, what if your purpose in life is just to be where you are right here and now? Plain and simple, as that.

I’m tired of searching for happiness. Of holding it so preciously, carefully, and lovingly in my hands because I know it could disappear any moment. I’m tired of thinking and hoping that it’s finally here to stay, that at last I have made it really mine, only to have the rug pulled under me before I could even blink.

I’m tired of waking up every day and struggling to make it better than yesterday. And for what? So that you can tell yourself that you’ve made a difference in your own little way while bringing yourself closer to your dreams? Well, guess what, I’m tired of that, too. I’m tired of dreaming. I’m tired of working to make them real. I’m tired of suckering myself into thinking that there’s something I can do to change the world. I’m tired of smiling. I'm tired of crying. I’m tired of running away. I’m tired of chasing.

And if I may be so honest and blunt, I’m tired of being a woman. I’m tired of being a daughter and a sister. I’m tired of being a lover and a beloved. I’m tired of being a friend. I’m tired of this country and its people. I’m tired of fucking and unfucking life. I’m tired of life. Especially since it seems to be having a really difficult time giving me even the simplest, most painless of things.

I’m tired. I’m tired. I’m tired. I’m tired. I’m tired. I’m tired. I’m tired. I’m tired. I’m tired. I’m tired.

I know it all sounds foolish to even think about these things. I find it ludicrous, self-indulgent, appalling, and ungrateful myself. I’m all that and maybe more. But it still does not in any way diminish or discount how and what I feel.

Mababaw siguro para sa karamihan. At malamang kesa hindi, tama sila. Mababaw, walang basehan, at siguro nga wala rin akong karapatan magreklamo. Ano nga ba naman ‘tong mga problema ko kung ikukumpara mo sa mga nawalan ng bahay, walang makain sa hapagkainan, o walang mga magulang? Pero anong gusto nilang sabihin ko kung alam ko sa sarili ko na pagod na ‘ko at walang-wala na ‘kong gana?

Maybe I really don’t appreciate life and maybe I don’t give the world enough credit. Maybe I didn’t gain any morsel of faith, after all. Maybe I’m simply being lazy, impatient, irrational, and stubborn. But you know what, I’m tired of second-guessing myself, too. And I’m tired of trying to be understood and accepted.

I know who I am and I know who I’m not. And right now, this is where I’m at: I'm a candle burned, melted, far gone. I would have lit another one up, but you guessed it right.

Indulging the bookwhore within.

noreply@blogger.com (The Drama Queen) — Tue, 24 Mar 2009 12:38:00 +0000

Spending a whole afternoon in a bookstore has always been my one constant source of excitement and happiness. When I was still in college, I’d drop by at the four-storey National Bookstore in Cubao and end up one of the last customers out by closing time. It doesn’t matter that I only have one book to show for my entire browsing time (sometimes I wouldn't even buy anything at all because of budget constraints, which means that I spend a week hoping and praying that the books I "hid" stay hidden until I have the money to buy them).

Recently, my sister has brought upon my attention the newly opened (Edit: Well, as I later found out, they opened years ago. Hahaha! I just didn't know about them because their old location was way at the back of the mall so no one really knew they existed) Booksale outlet in the strip mall near our house. As if that wasn’t reason enough, she casually dangled the possibility of finding the Stephen King book I’ve been on the lookout for all these years.

“Merong manipis na Stephen King akong nakita, e. Parang short stories yata.”
“Night Shift?”
“Yata.”

So, of course I had to go.

But as it turned out, it wasn’t Night Shift after all. It was a 6-part edition of The Green Mile for kids or something. Still, I went to browse the shelves and shelves of books that lined the store’s four walls. I wasn’t really expecting to find anything that would blow me away but boy was I so wrong. It’s so easy to dismiss the place as having nothing but the usual Fabio-esque romance novels or the spawns of Judith McNaught and Danielle Steele.

But what do you know, I went home with a total of 10 books - each an AMAZING find.

1. Unlubricated by Arthur Nersesian - I nearly flipped when I found this book on one of the shelves. I had to pick my jaw from the floor and I think a little scream might have been let out. Having read his previous work Dogrun has got me all sorts of excited to bury my head into this one.

2-3. Desperation and The Dark Half by Stephen King - OK, these two need no further explanation. What made these finds really great is that both books are still in mint condition and at less than a hundred each.

4. The Dark Tower I: The Gunslinger by Stephen King - I already have this book in paperback and I’ve already finished reading it (I’m on Part IV of the series) but I just couldn’t let this copy slip. It’s an illustrated edition and at only P70.00.

5. Take the Cannoli: Tales from the New World by Sarah Vowell - This is a collection of essays and part memoir of the author, who I know nothing about. But flipping through the pages, I find her quite hilarious and witty. Plus, Nick Hornby was singing her praises on the back cover. And if Hornby loves her, I guess I would, too.

6. Into Thin Air by Jon Krakauer - I bought this book because I remembered it from Stephen King’s book list printed on his memoir/writing manual, On Writing. It’s the true account of a sports journalist who joined a climbing team bound for the summit of Mt. Everest which resulted in the greatest tragedy on the mountain.

7. The Best American Short Stories 2000 edited by E.L. Doctorow - A hard-bound edition with a good-looking set of works from authors such as Ha Jin, ZZ Packer, and Annie Proulx. I was excited to find this book because I couldn't possibly afford Harper's or The New Yorker, where most of the stuff here were originally published. Plus, I was also looking to be inspired. Unfortunately, it seems that not everything in the collection is as good as the rest, or so Amazon reviewers say. Well, here's hoping for the best.

8. Michael Moore Is A Stupid White Man by David T. Hardy and Jason Clarke - Just for kicks, I bought this book. I’ve read two of Moore’s books, Stupid White Men and Dude, Where’s My Country? and I've also seen Fahrenheit 9/11; I thought it would be fun to read about what his “enemies” are saying about him. Weirdly, my sister is some kind of a Moore fan and it’s actually kind of freaky. A liiiiittle bit alarming than her fascination for Fran "The Nanny" Drescher.

9.The O’Reilly Factor by Bill O’Reilly - Well, I kinda like Bill. Hehe! And regardless of what other people say, I bet somewhere in the book are a few good laughs that would let me get my money’s worth. Besides, at 20 bucks I don’t think I have much to lose. Haha!

10. After the Plague by T.C. Boyle - I read a couple of stories from this collection several years ago, when a friend lent me a copy. I can't quite remember who the friend was but I do vividly remember how taken I was with Boyle's dark humor and realistic characters. So really, how could I possibly not buy this?

I already made friends with the Ate in charge of the store and earlier today, she texted to let me know that new books have arrived - and the titles I asked her for are now waiting for me.

Now if only I can get more shelf space.

...

noreply@blogger.com (The Drama Queen) — Mon, 09 Mar 2009 12:12:00 +0000

This is a reminder: Don't ever give it up. Every day must bring you closer to your destination. Keep your eyes on the prize. Hang tough. You'll get there somehow. I know you will. Sooner more than later.

No Ordinary Love.

noreply@blogger.com (The Drama Queen) — Sat, 07 Mar 2009 09:23:00 +0000

Let's take a musical turn for now, shall we?

I'm a huge music fan. And by huge I mean I can listen and appreciate almost any type of music out there. My playlist is crazy. You can find songs from Pantera, Snoop Dogg, Ally Kerr, Massive Attack, Britney Spears, even Brooks and Dunn.

I love that I don't subscribe to just one specific type of music. There are lots of great artists out there and it would be such a pity to refuse listening to someone just because he or she doesn't fall under your genre.

I get really excited when an artist goes out of his or her comfort zone and take on something that you wouldn't normally expect to hear from him or her. What gets me even more thrilled is when Rock and Rap come together because I'm almost always sure that such collaborations churn out fun and brilliant records (Aerosmith and Run DMC's Walk This Way, for example).

And then there's also the case of artists who cover other artist's songs in such a way that completely and amazingly transforms the original into something you've never heard before. The cover below ranks as one of the top covers ever in my book, at least. Right next to Dynamite Hack's version of the Eazy E classic Boyz in the Hood. Watch the Sade original first.

Original

Cover

There's also a Deftones cover of this song and it's a whole new level of kickass, as well. That's not a surprise at all because I personally think that Chino can do no wrong as far as being a great vocalist is concerned. But, surprise, surprise, I think our local boys did a slightly better job than Deftones. I can't find a decent video of the Deftones version so I can't share it with you.

Anyway, yun lang. I just needed a break from real life.