They have since nicknamed the figure ‘Cheesus,’ and after appearing with it on several news programs, are considering selling it on Ebay. “How much do you think we should ask for it? It could be 25 cents, could be 25 dollars. If it’s only 25 cents, we’re just going to eat it,” said Mr Bell-End.

It’s not the first time some religious fucktard has convinced themselves they can see the likeness of a religious figure and tried selling it on Ebay. A Florida woman, who claimed to see an image of the Virgin Mary in her grilled cheese, auctioned off the sandwich for $28,000.

How the fuck do these people even know what Jesus or the Virgin Mary looked like ? Oh yeah they mean “They looks like what the Church told me they looked like” You know all White, Clean and Wholesome, instead of how they probably were (if they existed at all but, but that’s another arguement) which was was Black (or at least bloody dark), unwashed, wearing basically rags, infested with lice and fleas and probably in The Virgin Mary’s case a whore. Further proof that these people are nuts.

I’ve got a birthmark on my ballsack that looks like Jesus, problem is I can’t sell my nutsack on Ebay. The other problem is it only looks like Jesus when I haven’t shaved my nuts for a while, otherwise it looks a bit like Yanni.

As he was enjoying it, he turned and asked her, ‘Why do you love
doing that?’

‘Because,’ she replied, ‘I miss mine.’

The second engineer replied, “Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, ‘Take what you want.”

The second engineer nodded approvingly, “Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn’t have fit.”

Queuing up in general, but especially supermarkets, is a stressful experience. Oh they’re fine for going out to buy the whole week’s groceries but as more normal people use, i.e. me, they are anightmare.

Whichever queue you choose, with your bar of chocolate, bottle of wine or carton of orange juice, sucks. Is it some conspiracy worked out in smoky rooms, behind closed doors’ Convenience store operators and supermarket chains have carved up the world to force you to one or the other by making small purchases at large stores totally inconvenient, leaving all those huge family shops to the fat cats and the rest of us being channelled into the other category.

Five items or less or basket only concepts just don’t work, a canny shopper can travel in style using a big trolley with an internal basket and then slam it onto the counter at the last minute (I must confess I do this and am not proud of myself, especially when behind a like minded brute). However, it’s usually not the other customers who are the problem but the fucking idiot who has to pick up an item and move it across a section of the counter which contains a red light.

Forgive me if I’m being too hard on these poor hard done by women (call me sexist, but in all my time spent at the shops the only man who does this is that guy in a short sleeve white shirt and clip on tie who comes out of a mirrored cubicle when the shit has well and truly hit the fan). I can empathise that it’s a mind numbing job and the wages are not the best, and then there’s the kids to feed, but then again being a pilot and flying across great expanses of similar looking sky might fall in to the same bracket, apart from the cash, and you’d be pissed off if they decided they couldn’t be arsed. But these people have chosen, for whatever economic, or denied education, woe story, to work in a supermarket. That is their job, maybe they are working as a bio-technician at night, or juggling a career as a tree surgeon, but at that point in time they are employed, albeit at a shitty salary way under the minimum wage I’m sure, to sell me a box of bran flakes efficiently, quickly and with minimum of fuss. So why can’t they do this?

Instead of little badges, the addition of which fools no one into believing this interaction has been made a more personalised experience (apart from Hollywood), declaring “Hi, my name is Cheryl, I’ll be serving you today,” what we, as concerned consumers, should be insisting on are badges that say “Hi, my name is Cheryl, I have an IQ of 134, I am studying law and am only working here because I’m flat chested and can’t get a job as a stripper”, or “Hi, my name is Tina, I have an IQ of 97, three kids and started work here after dropping out of school early in 1989.”

This would help us all to make the correct choice, thus eliminating performing the dance of the shopper bee along all the possible aisles vainly searching out the shortest queue. Jutting our necks out as we crane to see just how many items that guy has in his basket – okay she has seven items remained before it goes to him and he’s only got a couple. And so it goes on.

Of course you really like the shopper who is going to pay cash. Someone who has just got folding green, highlighting the joy of a cash driven economy. No mucking about, just cash, change and leave. The token holder, cash advance or even a credit card transactor can add minutes of excruciating agony beneath a brain baking barrage of Muzak – aah, make them stop mummy. Fiddle,fiddle, ooh dawdle, beep, beep, enter number, verifying transaction code, please enter PIN number, as “tie, a yellow ribbon”, comes round again. The subliminal message is of course “You with a bar of chocolate fuck off to the corner shop and revitalise a community’s small businesses.”

It might be me, I get the same thing at airports, if I change queue the one left suddenly gets shot out like an enema and mine goes egg bound. Changing queues is death, never get out of the queue – absolutely goddam right.

The wearing of a simple IQ badge would help us and them. Either that or introduce a pay structure based on number of items scanned. I’d take days off to dawdle in front of a certain lady and accidentally drop my change more than would seem possible. Oh well, you can always dream.

By the way, the answer to Cheryl or Tina is Tina, Cheryl is far too intelligent to work here and soon became bored, disinterested and listless. Tina on the other hand has found her niche, proving working harder not smarter is best.

After years of speculation, two cunning British scientists have laid to rest the notion that a man’s shoe size is in any way related to the size of his cock.

Their scientific study discovered there is no link between the two variables, according to a report in the British Journal of Urology International.

“This myth has now been dispelled” Jyoti Shah of St. Mary’s Hospital in London said. “There is no point using shoe size to obtain indirect measurements of trouser snake length.”

To date, there have only been two studies that evaluated the relationship between the size of a man’s foot and the length of his penis, according to Shah and colleague Dr. N. Christopher of University College Hospitals. While one study showed a “weak correlation” the other showed no correlation–but this study relied on men self-reporting their own penis length and shoe size. (Pervy – yeah bet that was accurate Not!)

In this new study, the researchers studied men visiting a urologist for various reasons. Because it wasn’t feasible to measure the length of the erect penis, the researchers measured the penis when gently stretched. (Editor – Not sure how I’d feel if my doctor said he needed to gently stretch my cock, unless he was a she in which case it would’nt need much stretching)

“There is a strong correlation between stretched penile length and erect, and thus it is not necessary to obtain erect lengths” Shah said in an interview with Reuters Health. “The correlation is so strong that the results can be extrapolated to erect penises.”

In all, 104 men had their penis stretched and had their shoe size taken.

The investigators found absolutely no correlation between their shoe size and the length of the men’s pork swords.

“The supposed association of fuck muscle length and shoe size has no scientific basis.” they conclude in the report.

Is there another body part that accurately estimates the size of a man’s penis?

“There are suggestions from the literature that hand span, finger lengths or nose size…may be predictive,” according to Shah.

“I have some ideas that I am currently putting together as a research proposal”, the researcher added. “There must be some part of the body that is predictive of penile length…the search continues.”

There are certain things that come across our desk, as you no doubt imagine, and this is one that rings true, although once you see “this is a real….” you can’t help wonder if it really happened. So, dear readers, add salt, lime and listen to a real story.

The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid term. The answer was so “profound” that the professor shared it with colleagues, which is why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well.

Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle’s Law, (gas cools off when it expands and heats up when it is compressed) or some variant.

One student, however, wrote the following:

“First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate that souls are moving into Hell and the rate they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving.

As for how many souls are entering Hell, lets look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Some of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there are more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell.

With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle’s Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand as souls are added.

This gives two possibilities:

1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

2. Of course, if Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it? If we accept the postulate given to me by Ms. Teresa Banyan during my Freshman year, “…that it will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you.”, and take into account the fact that I still have not succeeded in having sexual relations with her, then, #2 cannot be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and will not freeze.

This was the only student to receive an “A” grade.

Believe it or not? Strange and thought provoking is the name of the game, when you visit this site.

Next time someone says “how was your night?” you can reply “It was craft”.

CRAFT – Can’t Remember A Fucking Thing !!

Hope you all have a CRAFTY week