I thought it was love, but I may have been wrong.

It started out like any romance.

Hopeful.

Idyllic.

A thrill of newness.

Feeling like I had something to prove.

—

I’ve been working out on a fairly consistent basis since November 17th. In addition to my indoor cycling workouts during a very cold, very damp, very grey winter, when I’m not traveling, I’ve been training twice a week at Franklin’s own Chadwick’s Fitness.

To provide some context, when I was in school (anytime between elementary school and graduation), I was extremely athletic. I could out-sprint just about anyone, guy or girl. In junior high and high school I played basketball ALL the time — in school, in summer leagues, in church leagues, in my driveway.

Sometimes, my friend Julie and I would go up to a local college and flirt with play ball with some of the college guys. I exaggerate not when I say they were actually impressed by how good we were. Julie reads my blog. She can vouch for that.

I loved to run in high school. It was a great way to rid myself of anger and frustration. My favorite route was about a mile. I’d take off from behind our house and sprint as fast as I could seven blocks to the closest elementary school and turn around and sprint back. It was a fierce kind of run, but tremendously cathartic.

After I graduated, I still would run when time would allow. I really got back into the habit before Chris’ and my wedding, so I could squeeze into my tiny little dress. And even after we got married, there was a trail I’d frequent a few times a week.

—

Three months into our marriage (seven years ago), I started having heart problems. I would try and exercise, but try as I would, I couldn’t get past half a mile without my chest exploding in pain. I didn’t really want to die, so…I stopped.

For those who are new here, after six years of trying to get my heart condition diagnosed, I finally found a spectacular doctor in Nashville at St. Thomas Heart who found the problem and a month later, fixed it. I had a condition called AV Nodal Reentrant Superventricular Tachycardia (or SVT for short). For you who are click-averse, that means my heart had two more electrical pathways than a normal heart (you have two, I had four) and during times of exertion (or after too much caffeine even) my heart rate would escalate from a normal resting rhythm (60-100 bpm, mine is typically 80-85) to 220 or 240 bpm.

Your body doesn’t get oxygen distributed properly when your heart beats like that.

Anyway, I had surgery to fix it, it was successful, and I began exercising on my own. However, I lacked the same love for running that I had formed in my earlier years. I joined a gym, and found a trainer who pushes me to no end. I’ve been riding my bike to train for Ride:Well, and just trying to make up for six lost years of lost cardio.

—

I have a lot of friends who are exercise junkies. People who do things like triathlons and marathons for fun. I even met a guy a few weeks ago who did this ultramarathon thing. He and a friend ran 26-28 miles a day for three days, took one day off, and then would repeat it until they made their way from Mexico to Canada or something.

REPEATING: THEY DO THIS FOR FUN.

When I began exercising, I thought surely I would fall back in love with it. I remember how, when I was in high school, my feet would hit the pavement so hard when I was upset and how good I felt with the air moving through my lungs with each deep breath.

I thought that love would come back.

But it hasn’t.

It’s not that I dislike exercise. I know it’s good for me. I know that even though I still haven’t lost much weight (two pounds in five months!) I am stronger and leaner than I ever have been. I know my heart and lungs are healthier. I know that there isn’t much I couldn’t accomplish physically.

And all those things are great.

But I still don’t love it.

—

I believe this may be one of those defining moments in life where I look at a situation and say, “Yeah, this isn’t the most emotionally wonderful thing in the world for me, but it’s what I need to do.”

This may be a place where true discipline falls into play. I know every Tuesday and Thursday that I’m in town, I’m in the gym for at least an hour, about to throw up and gasping for air, and Brandon doesn’t let me stop. When I’m home during the week, I’m getting out and running up the hill by my house, or taking my bike out and not stopping when it’s “just enough” but truly pushing through that extra bit because it’s what I need to do.

There are so many areas in my life outside of physical fitness that this story could plug and play.

My relational life? Absolutely. I’d rather be a recluse, so to reach out and place myself in social situations is difficult for me sometimes.

Emotionally? We’ll save that for another blog post, but let’s just say it’s hard to ask for help when you face the same demons over and over again.

My marriage? We’re in a great spot, but oh my lands, does it take work and compromise and going that extra mile. And God bless that man who put a ring on my finger. He is beyond incredible.

Spiritually? Paul eloquently describes that struggle in Romans 7.

—

I know one thing’s for certain – all of us have our broken pieces. The things we really want to do, and we really want to love, but we just can’t seem to get there. I’m not sure what yours might be, but I want you to know you’re not alone in it.

It’s a fight. A big, fat, hairy fight. And it will be ’til the end.

But that’s where relationships come in. And things like trust, and encouragement.

Brandon, my trainer, has heard my fair share of complaining. He has witnessed my stubbornness and has seen me lower the weights on a machine so it’s easier on me.

And he’s not let me get away with it. He adds the weight back on and keeps telling me to push.

“I said 12? I meant 15! Three more! Why? Because I know you can.”

The thing is…he’s always right.

Is your motivation gone?

You just can’t find that place inside yourself to continue on?

Push through it.

Why?

Because I know you can.

I know we can.

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Since returning from Haiti, I’ve been oddly more introspective than normal.

Which is, again, odd, because I’m typically pretty darn introspective.

I’ve been analyzing the temptations and opportunities that cross my way, both subtle and bold.

Topics I could write about…or not.

Relationships I could develop…or not.

Ways I could respond to people…or not.

Things I could dwell on in my mind…or not.

Two immediate “temptations” (if you call them that) I face regularly are to be sensational and to be trendy.

Why?

Sensational and trendy usually brings in attention and response.

Attention and response makes me feel important and valued (yes, we just talked about this…)

Sensational and trendy makes me appear “relevant” and “edgy.”

It makes me popular.

But sensationalism and trendiness also is an inch deep and lasts for a split second.

It typically has no legit, long-lasting worth.

So I’ve decided to make a list of characteristics I want to strive for – just for me – in how I want to live out this life I have.

Sacred instead of sensational.

Timeless instead of trendy.

Prophetic instead of popular.

Generous instead of entitled.

Meek instead of aggressive.

Quiet instead of attention-seeking.

Humbly prayerful instead of demanding.

Patient instead of prideful.

Inviting instead of isolating.

Understanding instead of judgmental.

This list is in no way complete; rather…it’s just a sketch of traits I need to develop and cultivate in my life. These are areas where I am weak and tempted and need strength and support.

What are some of your “instead of” statements?

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On Saturday, Michael Hyatt, my friend and CEO of Thomas Nelson (who is printing Permission to Speak Freely) tweeted the ECPA’s 50 Bestsellers List for March 2010.

I noticed a few interesting things in the list:

• Even though this list is for March 2010 faith-based bestsellers, only 21 of the 50 had been published in the last twelve months.
• The average price point for the books published in the last twelve months was considerably higher ($19.64) than the older books on the list ($15.39).

This made me think two things:

• Some books will live long. These books typically have strong writing, meet a universal “felt need,” or the author has a loyal following (a celebrity, a pastor of a large church, etc.). These books will continue to spread in both breadth (how many people read them) and depth (more people developing loyalty to that author).
• The recession is not to blame for declining book sales. Large groups of people are willing to pay more money for good content.

It also made me ask the question, “Why aren’t there more recently published books on the list? What does the market want that current authors and publishers aren’t providing?”

I did a survey on my blog last summer, and a majority of you read fifty books or more a year, so it’s safe to say you are “the market.”

Would you indulge me a bit and share what content in books adds value?

What disappoints you?

What determines if you purchase a book – Word of mouth? Previous work? Random chance?

Thanks in advance for sharing your thoughts. They will help shape me as an author and I can assure you there are people in the publishing industry who eagerly await your response too.

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The Journey

One day you finally knew
what you had to do, and began
though the voices around you
kept shouting
their bad advice -
though the whole house
began to tremble
and you felt the old tug
at your ankles.
“Mend my life!”
each voice cried.
But you didn’t stop.
You knew what you had to do,
though the wind pried
with its stiff fingers
at the very foundations -
though their melancholy
was terrible.
It was already late
enough, and a wild night,
and the road full of fallen
branches and stones.
But little by little,
as you left their voices behind,
the stars began to burn
through the sheets of clouds,
and there was a new voice,
which you slowly
recognized as your own,
that kept you company
as you strode deeper and deeper
into the world,
determined to do
the only thing you could do -
determined to save
the only life you could save.

*(Mary Oliver – Dream Work)

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A few weeks ago, I was invited to be the guest on the Samson Society podcast with Nate Larkin & David Mullen.

We talked about everything from cycling across the country, to life as a former preacher’s kid, to women and porn addiction (as well as drug and alcohol abuse), confession, and living a transparent life.

Most interviews I’ve done in the past don’t dig this deep – an uncomfortable deep – but Nate and David did a fabulous job asking questions and responding with truth and grace.

You can stream or download the interview here.

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