FMyLife

theropod says FML

2009-11-15T14:45:21+00:00

Today, at 2 in the morning, a noisy work crew started up, in the parking lot next to my apartment. What were they doing at that ungodly hour? Installing a light that now shines right into my window. FML

oww says FML

2009-11-15T14:38:25+00:00

Today, I woke up with a bloody nose and my lamp next to me in bed. Apparently I grabbed the cord of the lamp and yanked while I was sleeping, and it fell on my face. The worst part? My boyfriend saw it was going to happen, but didn't stop me because he thought it would be funny to "see my reaction." FML

firefliiez says FML

2009-11-15T13:46:52+00:00

Today, my ex decided he wanted to start calling me "Pup." I jokingly said "Please! Call me anything but that! Sausage face even! Just anything but that!" Later we went bowling with a large group of friends. He put my name in the board as "Sausage Face." Everyone agreed it will be my new name. FML

loldick says FML

2009-11-15T13:28:24+00:00

Today, while my girlfriend was going down on me she looked up at me and said, in a high-pitched voice, "Yummy yummy yummy yummy yummy!" FML

Ugh says FML

2009-11-15T12:55:38+00:00

Today, I was really depressed so I talked on the phone with my best friend. She was telling me how a guy she really liked complimented her. I told her it was be nice to get at least one compliment. After a long silence she says, "you're really good with computers." FML

Klepto says FML

2009-11-15T12:34:52+00:00

Today, I sent a Facebook friend request to the guy who had the party I was at last night. I immediately realized, however, that my new profile picture is of me, smiling and holding the trophy I stole from his house. FML

Anonymous says FML

2009-11-15T10:45:40+00:00

Today, I wasn't feeling too well. I decided to bring my laptop with me to the bathroom, because I figured I would be in there for a while. Things were going great, until I felt a burp coming. Next thing I know, my computer is covered with puke. FML

Anonymous says FML

2009-11-15T09:47:56+00:00

Today, after dating for almost five years, my boyfriend stated that I have a "perfect and amazing personality" but that my looks are not what he "envisioned himself spending the rest of his life with." In other words, I'm ugly. FML

dessaye says FML

2009-11-15T08:45:15+00:00

Today, I was watching Pokémon with my daughter when she told me that I reminded her of her favorite Pokémon. Feeling good about it, I asked which one. She pointed to the screen and said "Snorlax!" The fat and lazy one. FML

shiiiiit says FML

2009-11-15T04:23:40+00:00

Today, I was having trouble blowing out the last of the several candles on my bedside table. Exasperated, I blew as hard as I could, which sent hot wax from the other candles shooting into the air, all over my face and into my eyes. FML

Anonymous says FML

2009-11-15T03:42:19+00:00

Today, a neighbour called to say my water tank burst. A colleague followed me home to help, took off his shirt so it wouldn't get wet and climbed through my window to get to the roof. My boyfriend unexpectedly came home as we were emerging from the bedroom. My colleague was still buttoning his shirt up. FML

irishbitch says FML

2009-11-15T02:51:49+00:00

Today, I went to go see my boyfriend of over two years in a play. I knew that he'd be kissing his female opposite at the end of the show and I was okay with that. I snuck into his dressing room at intermission to find him "rehearsing" with her half naked. FML

John says FML

2009-11-15T01:08:39+00:00

Today, I parked my convertible in the 5 minute bay at the post office in the city. When I came back out I realized there was a bum in the driver's seat pretending to drive it. After shouting at him and pulling him out he stumbled off. I then got a ticket for being parked longer than 5 minutes. FML

Unknown says FML

2009-11-15T00:21:06+00:00

Today, I decided to wear a tight, long-sleeved shirt that showed off my body. As I was trying to roll up my sleeves, I realized how tight this shirt really was. It wouldn't budge past my elbow and I tugged to hard I ended up punching myself in the eye. I now have a swollen, black and blue eye. FML

hanmart says FML

2009-11-15T00:12:33+00:00

Today, I found out that my coworker shared a laugh with the boss about setting the office desk on fire (which he actually did), while ten minutes later I was threatened with being fired because I made paper snowflakes and hung a few of them next to the computer. FML

Insensitive says FML

2009-11-14T17:26:23+00:00

Today, I sent a get well card to my friend. it wasn't until after I got home from posting it did I realise that the stamps I put on the envelope had the phrase "Let's Get Active" on them with drawings of people playing sports. My friend is in a wheelchair. FML

Anonymous says FML

2009-11-14T16:59:56+00:00

Today, my boyfriend gave me a bucket of Twizzlers for our 1 year anniversary because 'he knew I liked them.' He has no idea why I am so upset. FML

TheMichaelNixon says FML

2009-11-14T16:37:39+00:00

Today, I saw a grasshopper in the urinal so I decided to pee on it. It jumped out, scared the hell out of me, and I peed all over myself. FML

Molly says FML

2009-11-14T14:48:14+00:00

Today, I wore my cool new shirt with an oriental character on it to class. The Chinese TA burst into laughter and told me the shirt read, "I am a sad, pathetic person." FML

asthma_attacker says FML

2009-11-14T13:38:19+00:00

Today, I asked a girl I like out. She ended up having an asthma attack because she was laughing so hard. I guess that's a no. FML

unengaged says FML

2009-11-14T13:19:06+00:00

Today, my boyfriend of six years broke up with me for a girl he's known for less than 72 hours. Why? He wanted someone pure. I lost my virginity to him five years ago. FML

SpeakerPhone says FML

2009-11-14T12:31:17+00:00

Today, in a big meeting, my secretary calls me saying that I have an important call waiting. I put the call through. It was my beautician, confirming my appointment to get rid of an ingrown hair. I hurriedly confirm and hang up to see everyone in the room giggling. The speaker phone was on. FML

crazylobster says FML

2009-11-14T11:52:49+00:00

Today, I noticed that in my cover letter I wrote "I also have an eye.", instead of "I also have an eye for details.", and I have been sending it out for the past few weeks. No wonder I haven't gotten any replies. FML

swedishdude says FML

2009-11-14T08:37:03+00:00

Today, I was at a party where I ate bowl of disgusting snacks because I didn't want to drink on an empty stomach. I spent the next twelve hours trying to prevent the world from collapsing into millions of demonic shards, cause apparently that's what a large dose of magic mushrooms does. FML

Indoraptor says FML

2009-11-14T07:59:12+00:00

Today, I went to see the cast list for the new musical I'm in. I didn't get the part I wanted, and instead I got the part of one of the suitors. Interestingly, they made me the suitor to my ex. And the guy she leaves me for at the end of the musical is the guy she left me for in real life. FML

Kassiopia says FML

2009-11-14T07:35:38+00:00

Today, my Dad decided to take his medicine before eating. He passed out with his face in a plate of chocolate cake. He wasn't responsive so I called the paramedics. When he got to the hospital, the doctor asked him if he knew why he was there. He replied, "Because my stupid daughter over reacted." FML

squidwardpotatoes says FML

2009-11-14T06:08:01+00:00

Today, I went to the movies. Not only did the movie end up being awful, but I came to my car to find out someone drew Squidward from "SpongeBob" with large letters spelling "I LIKE POTATOES!" on my windshield. In permanent marker. FML

poorclubgoer says FML

2009-11-14T05:11:52+00:00

Today, I decided to go to a club with my friends. I was flattered when an attractive guy started dancing with me. Later, I went to grab my money to pay for my dinner and realized while dancing, the very sneaky man pulled my forty dollars out of my pocket. FML

Anonymous says FML

2009-11-14T02:27:19+00:00

Today, my band played for our school. We were cheered for and everything. Being the lead singer I tried to look cool and push the mic away and pull it back by pushing down the bottom of the stand with my foot. It hit my face and I bled like crazy but I kept singing. No one clapped at the end. FML

runner says FML

2009-11-14T02:15:39+00:00

Today, I went for a run in a new pair of shoes that left me with huge blisters. As I finished cleaning them up so they could heal, I limped to my bed to take a nap. I was woken by the fire alarm. My building was having a drill and we couldn't use the elevators. I live on the 9th floor. FML

ZINGER says FML

2009-11-14T01:02:15+00:00

Today, I woke up to find that I left my headlights on last night. I found out by the headlights of my car smashed and a post-it note on my windshield saying "you accidentally left your headlights on... I took care of that for you". FML

RedLust says FML

2009-11-13T23:23:57+00:00

Today, I told my wife to block the mail of her ex (because he was sending her romantic mails) or I would leave. She told me that I could leave. FML

JJ says FML

2009-11-13T22:07:07+00:00

Today, my boyfriend of three years sent me a text saying: "I don't think we can see each other anymore, the nights were great, but I think I'm falling in love with Julie". I'm Julie. FML

taurus05 says FML

2009-11-13T22:02:32+00:00

Today, I was talking to my fellow coworker about how nervous I was about sleeping with this guy I really liked. She's been constantly giving me advice about him for months, but today she said "Oh don't worry, he isn't that good in bed anyway." FML

TineMelk says FML

2009-11-13T20:01:07+00:00

Today, my girfriend of 3 years hacked my mail, sent a mail to her address, breaking up with "herself" and making me look like a douche. Now I won't get the internship at her father's firm because she wrote "I hate you and your family, we are through." I dropped out of college for that internship. FML