Colin's forest blog

Mobile, AL-- I wish I could think (do I?) but. . .

2011-12-02T11:12:00.001-08:00

Owen James H. . . arrived 5:56am, November 27, 2011 8 lbs, 20.5" (My Nephew)

I doubt I can say much. It is so good to be back to my schedule-free life. No busses to catch, no equipment or maps or things to try to order in time to get them to arrive to someplace where I'll be. . .

I've got the maps for the Florida Trail. That is the plan. The razor scooter still is a wonderful way to travel. . . Megabus was a good way to get north and back south for less than $5. . .and I missed my 745am bus yesterday in atlanta, so I got to learn that city a bit more. . .

Every day spent in a place scooting around increases the connections and the "posessions" and the possibility of staying longer. . .

and that possibility confuses me. . .

I still look forward to getting out in the woods and writing all the people whose addresses I've collected from my last trip. . . and those who wrote back. . . (do you remember that peace pilgrim wrote letters?)

Here are some upcoming addresses:

I will be picking up mail at the following address no earlier than 12/6:

Colin Leath
General Delivery
Navarre, FL 32566

After 12/7 to 1/1 and perhaps 1/5, the following will work:

Colin Leath c/o Carolynn Patten
719 NE 5th St
Gainesville, FL 32601

Willow for share international (?) in Atlanta. . .
The muscle-y probably gay guy along the atlanta beltline, the gravel part.
All the people I asked for directions to the Quarry. . . someday to be the largest park in atlanta(?)

The Peachtree branch of the atlanta library next to the atlanta museum of design where they were celebrating world aids day. . .

Being so glad to be done with busses and the diesel. . .
yet still being alongside roads and 'inside the machine'. . .

I may want to be in Scottsmoor FL by 1/14 for WFR recertification course. . . we'll see.

My mind is empty? I hope the stuff (my scooter and pack) they made me leave outside is still there. . .

mobile library has the most draconian and arbitrary restrictive admission policy. Atlanta Central just sent me to another branch (they wouldn't let me bring the scooter in). Here it is way worse and not clearly spelled out. Basically anyone who looks homeless(?). You can park a car on library property but you cannot leave your scooter and backpack on library property. You cannot bring clothes into the library. . . (in a bag)

some local links:

http://lagniappemobile.com/ (local alt weekly)
http://www.occupymobile.org/
http://rumorunion.com/rumorunion/home.html (performance art? cool mobile people?)
http://mplonline.org/ (the library . . . where I am now. . .)
http://www.healthylivinghealthyplanet.com/ surprisingly good resource. . .

The preacher guy who was on his phone nearly the whole 6-hour busride. . .

Martin Luther King's neighborhood, where I'll visit when I go through atlanta again.

That's enough from this mind.

love and best wishes and blessings--

I went up to greenknees farm from Jacksonville, FL (where I got to on my scooter trip) for Thanksgiving. And then went to Woodberry Forest (a boarding school in VA) where one of my sisters and her husband work. That sister had a baby while I was there! (Her husband helped me find a wonderful place to camp near the challenge course; I saw two bald eagles along the rapidan(?) river. I ran for 20 minutes for the first time in a long time. . . I met phil and Linda and others. I played croquet. I found out my dad played croquet as a kid. . . and what are the rules to croquet? ? ).

I got to eat some turnips and arugula (and bok choy and lettuce and ??) that I planted / helped plant.

I got to read an amazing book:

Amazon.com: Customer Reviews: Alex Stewart: Portrait of a Pioneer

I've had so much bad luck trying to order books recently from non-amazon sites. . .
but you could try to find it cheaper at gettextbooks.com or similar sites.

----------------------

Oh-- and on the megabus from Knoxville to Atlanta I was able to run off during one six-minute stop (the only stop) and get _Middlemarch_ and a ronald dahl adult book and an ursula k leguin book from the good will at that stop for $1.50. . .

If you write me a card-- I'll write back eventually (if I get enough alone time in the woods).

And, yes, I got stressed and overwhelmed and somewhat unhappy and confused while working on leaving again at last (and was challenged by eating during that time). . . and I was able to scoot from the farm to the bus stop (I scooted the other way when I arrived).

_The man who couldn't eat_ by ranier is a book they have on display here.

enough rambling. . .

And I learned more about my family and why I am this way.

Scooting / scoot-hiking / pack scooting (with a Razor A5) & good attitude, or at least not a bad one

2011-10-24T15:44:00.000-07:00

(I wasn't wearing my mirror due to low traffic that day. Here you can find the other photos from the sequence.)

[------------ addenda 10/27: two tips:

I use a Take A Look cycling mirror ($15) that clips on to sunglasses or clear safety glasses ($3-5 @ ACE or Walmart). I also now have a bit of florescent cloth & reflective tape pinned to the back of my pack.
In libraries along the way I xerox Delorme atlas pages (use the autoscale setting & legal-size paper) so I can find and take back roads and hiking trails.

------------- ]

Greetings from the library in Homer, GA. I've been traveling south from Maryville, TN to the Florida Trail using a Razor A5 kick scooter. Here's an update on how that has been working.

The scooter works for this kind of travel:

I can carry it on my shoulder--with the wheels forward-- and walk in the woods and up gravel roads and around town.
I can ride down gravel roads. The rear wheel is getting rather eaten up from this however. But I have used it for Mr. Colin's Wild Ride for perhaps 12 miles and probably more of gravel road travel.
I can go probably 9 miles an hour including breaks in rolling terrain. I have yet to go more 16 miles in one day however.
People generally smile at this mode of travel. "Excellent, Sir!" (when scooting by a traffic jam outside of Helen, GA); "You've come a long way, my man." (when passed 6+ miles later by a family I'd seen at Brass Bald, the highest point in Georgia).
I've hitched two rides--very easy to do with something so portable. One ride was offered, the other I asked of a guy on a gravel road who I'd seen on the trail earlier-- I still have yet to stand by the side of the road with my thumb out.

Issues:

In the rain the brake is nearly useless. Going downhill is potentially very dangerous. Fortunately a flat foot sliding on the pavement can be used to keep speed down. Or you can walk down. The change in braking power when going from dry to wet pavement is instant.
The brake gets hot and wears down the wheel. Going down from Brass Bald, I melted part of my shoe and shaved off a bit more of the wheel. Fortunately the Vibram part of the sole of the shoe doesn't seem to melt (it does get hot)--just the foamish part in the instep (Merrell Trail Gloves (and the purple is dirty girl gaiters))
I want to get the headset tightened in a bike shop.
I got two metric allen wrenches to be able to tighten parts-- the handle is tall enough for me (I'm 6'3") but it is made loose so it can slide up and down easily. I try not to put much pressure on it. And I crank down on it with the allen wrench if I'll be scooting for a while.
I can hurt myself by swinging the foot platform into my ankle--when picking up the scooter or if the front wheel hits a rock and the back pops up. Not a huge issue but something one learns to avoid.

-------
Bad Attitude?

And the last post wasn't super-uplifting--or at least my memory of it wasn't--, and I've been thinking about that. I found a copy of _Don't Sweat the Small Stuff. . . And It's All Small Stuff_ by Richard Carlson. His book has helped me with the bad attitude, in particular with the tip that analyzing bad moods or bad feelings is not helpful--so just stop that down-spiraling thinking / analysis-paralysis. The mood will change.

Perhaps I'll address this more later as I have more experience watching the bad attitude and trying what I remember of his suggestions. For a week now, his advice has been helpful. I recommend the book and I was sad to find that he died in 2006. Carlson shares a bit of his struggle to have a good mood and to be a happy person--the book is a collection of some of his strategies.

The Trip Teaches / Gives Me What I Need?

I've been, for the most part, having fun / being challenged in good ways by this trip. I've been sitting for 45 minutes each day--this has been nice. I've written letters and cards. I've found books to read. I've met people--the guys who gave me rides; a fiddler, Kelsey, taking a class at the John C Campbell Folk School; and the seven University of Georgia alums/students having breakfast out along a gravel National Forest road. A guy yesterday in a Mexican/hispanic indoor flea market in Cornelia, GA. I've learned more about history and the region (I camped along a road made to force-march the first nation / Indians west on--the trail of tears--near Tatham Gap).

I decided not to volunteer with Kripalu--or at least to continue the application process--after having the interview. The size of the place and the tone I was getting & the number of staff who commute by car (nearly all?) made me want to visit before committing to be there 4 months. I've been loving sleeping outside--beautiful fall--and I don't want that or my wandering and exploring and freedom to end on 1/1/2012. When I set out I wasn't sure how this trip would go and was happy to have the prospect of an end. And I do look forward to being able to work spring season in California/AZ with Naturalists At Large--we'll see.

And: A bigger (forgotten by me) story here is that Gohkale's directions of how to stand, sit, sleep and move have kept me for the most part from being in pain. So I have not been motivated to go to a yoga center for health and wellness. . . I'm still working on making my food good out here though.

It's getting dark--I'd better go.

Oh: I updated j9k.org to have a link to my page offering my service to facilitate or support solos / sit spots. I'd like to serve others and that is one way, other than scoot-hiking around, that I've thought of.

I'm planning to pick up mail, general delivery, in Eatonton GA 31024 no earlier than Friday probably (and probably later).

Avoiding Thinking?

2011-10-10T12:44:00.000-07:00

[HTML version] [Google Docs, currently commentable]

I'd rather have one place to go to modify things I publish online. So I'll try having the main version be @ google docs.

thy will, not mine, be done

2009-07-19T12:08:00.000-07:00

2009-07-19-1013 What can I say? I'm still alive. Got a new watch battery for my $5 ironman (off ebay yrs ago) -$2.16. They let me use an eyeglass kit screwdriver to open/close the watch--the UCSB bookstore. Batteries cheaper there than anywhere. I am attached to the watch. Have never had one last and remain unlost for so long.

Did laundry (-$3). Called mom, dad, partly cause called Eric, who may walk Ojai -> QS starting tomorrow.

I could tell you what I ate. But I have yet to return to an OA/EDA mtg since Sequoia NP. I'm just doing what I do.

Went to two dance rehearsals. Hey I found a kite surfing board (my first walk out east beach bluffs) & returned it by calling a number on it. And today gave a cell phone to the cashier at the IV coop. Found under swing on Pardall.

So--got two letters from G. Ann. Downloaded paperwork from NAL job.

I volunteered a week with WYP, camping all the while. More riding in cars than in decades (since 1994). I've yet to be dismissed. I'm making a contribution and helpful. I still do some graceless things / am not perfect.

It (volunteering w/ WYP), so far, helps build confidence for doing the NAL work. But WYP is likely more tolerant / less conventional than NAL.

--

I've got ebooks (Mostly from gutenberg.org) on the cell phone. Clié was retired since solio not working, but phone is fine--until winter's long nights maybe (full charge = 3 to 4 days daytime reading!!--no way (?) to turn off backlight and keyboard lighting which come on at night, but good to have to sleep then). MobiReader does well with html files (imageless, in general). Was reading _The Idiot_ by Dostoyevsky because Rbec mentioned it when I spoke to her about Ayn Rand--Rbec said it was not a positive book, perhaps like _Atlas Shrugged_.

Still have yet to finish that and (it) might be good to read that book on normal eating.

--

Have uploaded more photos, but still keeping everything locked down.

So not much motive to pay the $0.25 to post.

--

Laurel, one of the instructors I worked with--not in my group.

--

Monica on the bus. The capoeira ista. Other dancers. Chelsie. Erin. Crystal. Silas. Kate. ? My own body. Health, teeth, gums. OralBreeze.

The 24x SB->UCSB. Spanish from Spain. Holland. Ireland. São Paulo (sp?) Brasil. Victoria's Secret. Brown eyes. Thy. Asking, Italian. To study English.

--

"Hey-- that looks like smoke. . ."

--

So, what do you have to tell me.

--

The business of reproduction.

Creative modification.

Portable gas chambers: old cars, rvs.

--

Dominique, Dan, Warren, Jessica, Gifts From Girls (eggs), Erica, Dave, Sage, NickiAnn, Lesley, Andrew. Luca, Shaw, Dylan, Ainsley, Megan, Hannah, Jack, Jacob, Max, Micah (eye), Cody (!). Tree Frogs. Crayfish. Minnows. Ainsley's Springtail. Carlos' (?)--10 legs, inch long, antennae as long as body. Knives, tracks, bows and arrows, split willow, poison oak, peeing, pooping, swimming. Mud fight. Bow fire. Flaking. First aid. And? Sunscreen, food, eating. Turtle. Dead. Logs. Fire. Drinking water. Games. Car music. . . "I'm grateful for the whole wide world!" "Darn you! Say something specific." Soccer. Cashews. Butter. Cream cheese. Cans. Eziekel bread / sprouted grain. Figs. Farm. Farmers market. Rocky nook. Don't live anywhere. Red okra. Dolphin. Dead seal. Frozen. Kelley. Gum. Humptydumpty. Dreams. Rest. Not wanting to walk. Public urination. Open fires. Shade. Beach. DoGooders. Stories. Open casket. Pokemon. Body surf. Coaching. Tully. Sebastian. Love. MJ. East Beach homeless memorial. Slovokian cyclist. Count of monte cristo. Dan fontaine "Colin, I have something in my pocket for you." Shaka. Money. Rusty's pizza(?). Obama healthcare sermon. Friendly homeless lady, "how are you?" And what should we do about our grandparents who watch so much TV? do ants sleep? Apocrypha, young Jesus' words struck them dead. Proto-masculine behavior. Pitcher. Luca woven. Photos. Let me go. Jumping. Algae. Hawk. Hook. Kate. Let me go. Fly. Sky like the roof of a tent.

2009-07-06-1800 Ayn Rand (~Eye Dollar) and Bill W./Dr. Bob (AA cofounders), their work, their contrast.

Life now carries me: volunteer for WYP.org the last three weeks of this month. Then possibly walk to QS. And NAL job begins 8/24.

2009-07-02-0600 33 and as directionless as 0.

2009-07-01-0901 Dreams. Champa C, good food. Among giant sequoias. Thy will. Teeth cleaning. Future planning. A bit of sitting.

Was desiring to be more with people. Was persisting in questioning custom by which some people spend time together. In forest solo once more (vs. on sailboat, for example). Thy will.

From the AA Big Book, a focus on submitting own will to higher power, to stop trying to be the director of life. Instead, ask to serve higher power, know what occurs is the will of life. Identify one's resentments, if any, and seek to no longer resent--

Use as mantra / prayer / mental focus phrases such as:

Thy will be done.

Thy will, not mine, be done.

May I serve others. May I think of others.

Am I right now [ / was that action ] focused on self or others?

(Self-focus and resentments seem to exacerbate addictive, diseased, mal-functioning behavior.)

"Thy will be done" seems to be the root prayer or thought, though--"Thy" signifying God, Way of Life, Dao--because often self-care and self-enjoying, nourishing behavior is willed by higher power.

--

So that is all--Thy will be done.

And that has been helping me recently more than meditative or mindfulness practices to settle a fretting mind and to live and act with more peace.

And still to consider more: step four, "made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves."

What are my faults? How have I / do I wrong others and self? What rationalizations / resentments have I (made) to overlook or avoid addressing these? Consider starting with the seven (deadly?) sins.

Recent effects:

Think of Lesley (trip organizer), grandma, mom, dad, Rebecca, rather than self. How can I serve? With Lesley: perhaps be sure to have bear canister while with her instead of going without, for example. Do not make things more difficult for her. For the others: write letters while out here.

And do I stay out here until Lesley comes? Champa C's veggies, fruit, eggs, sandwiches help me be more content, not seeking to leave (perhaps I'd visit Monterey). And the sequoias, and getting to lower, warmer, tree-happy locations. Next: Lodgepole store. . . tomorrow or next day.

twnmbd

And what is my will anyway? I do not know it, have not known it (evidence: these posts?), and that is where the AA book has helped. Stop fretting about trying to direct. (In at least some important areas) You haven't been doing well (evidence: your compulsive drinking, eating, drug use, [your problem here], etc.).

And besides all that, the style and datedness of the text is compelling.

And I'm unable to finish _Atlas Shrugged_ because the Solio charger is malfunctioning (I can no longer charge my Palm Clié, but I had put a copy of the AA texts on my cell phone too, which [the texts] I read with MobiReader, which [the cell phone, a Nokia E62,] I have a light-weight wall charger for and which was the last thing successfully charged by the Solio, the day I binged on Ayn Rand, and which I was able to charge a bit more from an outlet on the porch at SilverCityResort.com yesterday).

And that text [, _Atlas Shrugged_,] may be part unhelpful to me, watering certain harmful seeds among some good ones. For example: the text elaborates that there is nothing more sorry than a person without a purpose, without--as far as I've read--presenting how one gains purpose. Perhaps the prevailing moral code [Or that of one's parents and friends. But a sister and brother go opposite ways, so it appears to be genetic.] and resulting government structure influence whether people develop a will to achieve and create [a will to produce] (and consume) vs. a will to loot and to live off achievements of others (and consume).

[_The Decline and Fall of the Roman Empire_, which I listened to a bit of while walking the Rattlesnake Creek dirt bike trail--hot, dusty, and recently burnt(?), with sparse trees perhaps hard-hit by the pine-borer beetle or grub--, had a bit to say about that too: For many years the Empire was able to continue to expand and soldiers could be rewarded with land, slaves, and some level of citizenship. Gibbon also mentioned that many of the rich created grand public works--such as baths and aqueducts--of use to the common citizen, and these works were privately funded (meaning 'directed by one person'?). Well, I suppose today we can say the iPhone is privately funded, though Central Park is only partly so.]

And, today, my [up to this point] hesitance to produce [and to participate]. . . (Well, that was leading to some thought related to how today's [yesterday's?] system, Rand's system[?], is also based in infinite and perhaps self- & ecologically- destructive expansion--but this may be a resentment and a rationalization. . .

Life is[?] infinite expansion, in the right ways, and the current expansion may be headed to some synthesis of Rand capitalist/libertarian production, permaculture, and Bill McDonough cradle-to-cradle -style manufacturing, among many other endeavors, explorations, and areas of expansion.)

[--]

I resented for a while that the Solio stopped working and that, after a day of avoiding walking by enjoying reading Rand, I could not continue the reading binge and had to walk on. . .

2009-06-26-1445 [Resenting mind, body I do not know how to use.

"Do not think." do not use the mind.] Along Rattlesnake Creek / 33E19 / 33E22, perhaps near where Beach Creek comes in, maybe 7 miles from the Kern River / Golden Trout Wilderness.

Been on the trail 4 nights, after a night in Bakersfield, also along the Kern.

Was reading Alcoholic Anonymous' _Big Book_.

I did not get the teaching sailing job, mainly because I blabbed too much about not living in a house to the instructor of my 101 class and he told others.

But consider: no Lifeguard class, no sailing job; without planned sailing job, may have got UCSB lifeguard job, and then may have missed family vacation (San Diego to SLO, SD Fair, Old Globe play, Getty villa, wedding). Losing sailing job, now I'm here. I have place, time to heal. To eat less (to practice eating for nutrition rather than for entertainment and other reasons). To study. To get in shape. I believe also I'll get to volunteer for two weeks with WYP, July 20-31. I may also get to meet Lesley near Florence Lake 7/13-15 and walk that week with her.

Reading AA's _Big Book_: a big focus on submission to higher power. In many ways the book nails / zeros in on my dilemma. (How do I live?)

It mentions listing resentments as being part of one of the steps (the moral inventory?), and then looking at those resentments to see how one could do better, or: excusing the object of resentment because it is sick / damaged as one has already admitted one is.

Perhaps not exactly right, but we can reread (it's free for Palm at Memoware, $1 for IPhone at ITunes).

Resentment does seem central to my escape from life / harmful use of food. I resent that the world in which most people consider life or action as taking place is not beautiful.

It is something to be tolerated. And it barely tolerates me, I feel, at times.

But here is a home for me. My submission to the way of life, to my higher power, took me here.

And how do I decide? When I feel conflicted, I step back, no need, really, to decide. Way of Life will soon be clear.

---

So, after losing that last job, I've locked down more of my online presence--this blog (locked earlier), photos, etc. Twitter still is public. I'm nearly about to experience life with no money (except $200/mo for food). 8/24 paid training for my next job may start, ojala (way-of-life willing).

--

Also was reading Rand _Atlas Shrugged_ again.

--

So I pray that God will use me. Pray to be used by the way of life. "May I serve life." "Life act through me."

--

Below is the only other thing I've written from 20 days ago.

2009-06-06-1930 On a hillside, head in mosquito net. I visited Kate today, she gave me a hug. So changing of life is that? I've been to Three different Overeaters Anonymous meetings since last Tuesday. And telling you that, if you know my last name may not be following their principles.

I went to Wilderness Youth Project volunteer initiation. Valuable. Jess told a story about all of creation getting their missions (whom to eat, who to run from, and so on). Except the human. Something eventually whispered to that lost soul: "psst! You're here to enjoy it all!"

We played zookeeper tag. The body harm I'd done to self apparent, We walked through an area looking for things Julian(?) got from along the way ahead of time which we'd got to glimpse for 10 seconds before the walk. Before that we'd done a sense meditation, led by Jess, checking in, eyes closed, with each of our senses. Are your eyes shaded? How do they feel? One differ than other? Does light you sense change? Sound. Smell. Can you smell yourself? Inhale. Can you smell that we're in an area that has burned? Skofield Park--once owned by the Rancheros Visitadores. Showers, grilles, water. . .

Rain the next morning. Casa Franchesi / Franchesi (sp?) Park. More open space. Meeting for sb sail center youth camp intructors.

The last night I spent near UCSB was Monday? I now have an SB-downtown-proximal spot/home. Beautiful.

Photos up!

2009-06-17T07:33:00.000-07:00

2009-06-17 Del Mar Fair, sailing, swim,

2009-06-08 ASA sailing 101, move to near downtown SB

2009-06-05 - UCSB campus art, food, menus, OA, rainy day, fire zone, more sb parks & open space

2009-05-30 Food, Job Interviews. . .

w/out dream

2009-06-02T21:52:00.000-07:00

Caught by any little thing.

what's been happening? I made it through a week of self-presentation--related to all the previous job-apping I'd done.

I got sick (related to that cough I mentioned, which became headache, tiredness, nausea). Got better.

I did not read much.

I finished my volunteer hours. So, the $200 I have left is my own to hoard.

I volunteered with WYP.

I dug more stuff out of trash cans at Goleta Beach for breakfast, post-dinner.

I found perhaps 16 good sandwiches (near a cafe on campus)--healthy if moderated, but managed to sort of eat them in one day.

So I went to my first overeaters anonymous meeting. I did lock my blog a while back--and change the name. Trying to make it a bit less likely googling my name would find this. . . but that may not matter.

Getting the jobs may not matter. The ending of motivation related to them--(the motivation of) getting, applying, working them--may be the point.

But those were dreams. I had dreams--dreams were in me, tho small, tho short.

I loved the campus--I loved what I saw, noticed--how much was going on, for me walking, for someone outside of car.

I took pictures. I tired of walking and lugging. I spent the night, several nights, in spot closer to campus where the bikes go close by--a bit more company (more human presence--I desired this), less of a walk.

[I saw the outdoor-dwelling princess. She's only occasionally seen by early risers. Dressed in drab colors, stylish, fit well, silhouetted against the 6am bright grey of morning ocean, herself appropriately nourished (?), she feeds seagulls from a trash-can find--joyful, dancerly silhouette, does she know we watch and love and she makes us want to live.

She walks the trail with a mesh bag over shoulder. She walks quickly. Believe it was her I followed my first early morning near Goleta Beach. Once she looked down at me--looking quickly away--, I believe, when I slept in trailside.

That morning, a bike-riding male outdoor-dweller passed me by, and sat on bike, watching her. Maybe I'd watch longer were he not there. Took a low-res photo of them both, & walked on, glancing back. One of us? A woman? Is she that fine? Why? And her fear, secret?

What would I see could I more than fleeting glance? What would I see in her face. Where is her spot?

(gradually) forgotten, until writing now.

The young run, dance, bike--I did respond to a craigslist ad looking for volunteer performers of a simple motion (a move to a beat, a foot-high hop). But I move ever less? The food death, sluggishness? Well agile mind has made it here now. Happy with that.]

[An older man was checking the cans before me one AM. Not food but not-empty beers (I later guess). Saw him too while cooking there yest pm. He later hunkered down in shallow dunes near me and stealthily, slowly, friendli-ly fed seagulls as pets. He just has a jacket. No bike or bag. And, that pm, a beach blanket.]

I watched Debbie, who interviewed me, model of high-functioning and fitness, lead, awesomely, a water aerobics class. She may even be 60, but perhaps closer to 40. . . for those who function, who can tell?

A new spot tonight. Crows not herons. Más mosquitos.

A new spot.

This is for Kurt, who emailed?

We have these wills. Some of us know not how to use them. "God / Divine / will of life, my life is unmanageable."

What should manage it?

No answers here.

What to do besides eat / wait to get hungry / cook / forage / shop if necessary?

I've narrowed life down.

The hobbies others have--the dreams, by walking, outdoor dwelling, what for me is left, walking away from all the dreams of others.

I went to a CCBER volunteer / intern appreciation cook out / barbecue at Goleta Beach.

So will I now go to OA / FAA / FAIR / EDA meetings just to have something else to do besides eat / wait to get hungry / etc? Sleep / wait to get tired / sleep? Get dirty / wait to get clean? Lug stuff around / wait to get tired of sitting still?

Oh! I invited people out to sail! I might have gone today were it more windy.

Use things, abuse body parts / wait for them to fall apart / wait to repair or remedy them.

We read and write for joy.

Hi, I'm _______________ , I'm a compulsive over-eater / food addict in recovery / bulimic / anorexic / . . .

Hi _______________ !

So many . . .

So much . . .

---

That's all. May paste in previous attempts. May get to pictures. May get to read again?

a breath and a smile.

----------------

from ~0830 this morning:

Asunto: to live without dreams

Back at the beach. The phone offline. The CCBER workers massing. Lagoon Island will burn on 6/15 (that week at least)--someone's doctoral thesis.

Finished volunteering yesterday. I could always volunteer again. Tuesdays and Thursdays are their big days.

My stomach--well, it's much abused. And my eyes too--. But yesterday and today, no abuse really so far.

No dreams. I'm alive. But so easy to give into death habits without life dreams.

Photos Up! Food diary, food stamps at farmers' markets, ethnobotany, restoration ecology, Santa Barbara streetcars

2009-05-25T20:01:00.000-07:00

2009-05-24 Goleta. Food diary, ethnobotany, restoration ecology, Santa Barbara streetcars

? [silent]

2009-05-24T12:27:00.000-07:00

I applied for several jobs and have interviews for two. I'm pretty silent.

The lifeguarding class ended and I'm certified.

I've been doing my volunteer work with The Cheadle Center for Biodiversity and Ecological Restoration. CCBER.lifesci.ucsb.edu. Darwin, Tony, & ? were weeding invasives near where I cook on the UCSB beach. I asked if I could volunteer with them. So I learn local dune, wetland (fresh, salt), and other plant communities as well as the non-natives we remove (edibles among them: sea rocket, mustard, new zealand spinach). Plus we talk about other things. There are animals in the plants too. A little pair of birds (killdeer?) with white black-speckled eggs--not the endangered plover--one pretends to have a broken wing, the other stands martially and walks daintily closer to the nest, peeping, cheeping. Their area has a nice [an extensive] rope barrier now. A path to the beach sort of went right by them and students and visiting parents would be entertained by the little birds' alarm.

Thursday morning was a presentation (for CCBER interns) on Chumash ethnobotany by Wayne Chapman, greenhouse manager (reminds me of Paul Maschka), with a bit of help from Heather Thakar. Theodoro(sp?)'s book about Ishi was an early influence on Wayne.

2009-05-24-0823 Two booms followed by a prolonged soft roaring. A rocket launch (Vandenberg AFB)? An oil platform explosion?

I saw pretty much all of the W. McDonough talk, slideshow. Sort of wish I could contribute on the level he does. His work is transforming industry. A Swiss textile company reduced chemicals/substances used to ~32 from ~128. Previously trimmings were toxic. Now the cloth can be eaten. Airbus will use the textiles for seats--"if you find yourself at 20,000(?) feet with a fiber deficiency . . ." Not to mention his architecture. The talk was related to his book _Cradle to Cradle_.

---

I started the week with a bit of resignation--or something. Here's a scrap I wrote:

Asunto: ceasing to sell, ceasing to try

We all get to watch my occasional job-getting motions. Eventually these subside. There will be none of that left.

"A great opportunity for the right person."

The interview for some camps--"why would you make an AWESOME counselor?" (answer this or something similar on your required video interview).

I seek jobs now (if I do) where personality is not an issue. Because I have the feeling there is none here.

Not in a bad way? I still seem to have meaningful interactions with others.

---

By the end of the week, I was a bit overwhelmed by the people contacting me, the volunteering, the number of things going.

What could be interpreted as (but very well may not be) rejection (interesting how these are a bit buried, un-remembered): the food bank guy never got back to me. Ms Carfree San Diego did not. . . And an old friend I've not been able to get through to. Some other small things. What I previously thought was non-recognition probably was not (once I said Hi to him, he was very friendly).

But there was a lot of love from other places--the lifeguard class, my family. . .

Someone called the campus police on me 5/21; they arrived after I'd been talking to Mom, Dana, Dad on Mom's birthday (she was on a farm scavenger hunt). Some bogus call--nothing wrong with what I was doing (sitting in shady spot by road near campus recycling area), but might be good to move on, so I did. Perhaps it was the guy on the dirtbike who drove by three times, seemed friendly, and attemped to start a conversation ("can I help you?") but I was on the phone. The woman cop (as in a previous cop encounter at SDSU) was more ridiculous, by-the-book, in a somewhat escalating-of-conflict way: "do you have anything illegal?"; "that may be a weapon, let me move them out of the way" (a victorinox classic swiss army knife [the smallest], closed; a peeler with handle removed; a compass with shortened (sawed-off) baseplate; a GI/mini can opener--all tethered together by a short piece of venetian blind cord--I'd been peeling apples).

Just show the ID, that's all you're required to do. But I answered other questions too [e.g., Lifeguard class in an hour at the Rec Cen] (once at SDSU I remained silent and the woman cop sort of freaked out). Even, perhaps foolishly, gave the guy cop my phone # (these can be tracked to locate you). I got some validation. "We get some ridiculous calls" (the guy cop). "This is a public campus, you have a right to be here" (the woman). "So, you're not living anywhere right now?" (the woman)--nice, at least, she did not say "homeless."

---

Rejection may be better described as "lack of effort to make or maintain contact" or as "effort to avoid contact." So I may be guilty of that, the first version.

I'm exploring these feelings because though I haven't been dwelling on them or stuck on them, they do come up--as I walk around, sometimes mind considers why it would be better (or thought/perceived better by her) for another not to make the effort of contact.

And the web identity associated with my email address / name has, now, a lot of baggage.

---

So, early in the week there were thoughts and fears of non-contact. But Darwin finally showed up on Tuesday. My classmates were friendly. And I met Rion Beauregard (met at Quail Springs) at Los Baños. A guy on the bus was reading "What is Enlightenment?", a Foucalt essay, apparently, and it was clear to me later we had both wanted (or would want) to talk more.

On Thursday I got a call about an interview for the lifeguard job I'd sort of given up on, fearing my app was too odd. And about an interview for Naturalists At Large.

After writing that "ceasing to try" scrap, I went outside for a bit. And my being wanted to continue to try. Try for what? Some contact, some job--not sure exactly what that urge is. A drive for relation, for being valued, [an urge which is] channeled by my cultural context, development.

So I adopted the approach of appeasing the urge with a bit of the view that perhaps probably nothing would come of it.

So I applied to NAL. I hand-wrote the app. I did not re-work my resume. I got the idea of applying there off my mind by applying quickly.

The same process I followed on Wednesday when I walked into the the Sail S an ta B ar ba ra School near Los Baños and asked if they were hiring.

I had my bag, my pants. My shirt I'd been running to the bus in and wearing all week, last washed Sat AM. But my Tilley hat was new (a replacement I'd gotten the day before).

I'd considered walking in there before but that was prior to having an address, local phone--

So now there's a chance (may find out Monday) I could work with them.

I didn't retool my resume for that either. Just wrote a cover email which I was a bit late to Weds LG class in sending (and felt that lateness to be not graceful, not quality, a mistake, but the fiddling with applying to the sailing school was over--and I gave up the possibility, unless I later went down to Marina Del Rey and certified as instructor with ASA).

And my mobile data package had expired. Thurs eve I finally logged on and found the sail school had emailed. Also campstevens.org (Near SD). I'd been emailing about the kitchen assistant position there. I was a bit surprised how friendly, appreciative they were. Friday afternoon I emailed (two days late nearly) to say I was interested but would follow through the SB adventures instead.

(for 10 weeks could I work 5 days a week in a kitchen, live in a community?)

It is helpful that I could go to the family farm in TN--

And, last, two students in the LG class encouraged me to apply to the Tennis Club. Pay: $12-$15/hr vs. $9.50. . . They get paid well as WSI -- teaching swim lessons ($25 / 15 min?? Could it have been that much?), and would rather not lifeguard.

However, the course instructor, with many local connections--well I wonder whether she'd hire me.

And I am so visible walking around town, compared to car drivers--who has seen me? What did they see?

The guys at goletadepot.org / dos pueblos ranch museum-- two of them, felt a bit distant, cold. But it _is_ time for a wash.

And the other outdoor dwellers have been friendly--Mobi went out of his way to welcome me to a Wednesday breakfast at Anisq'oyo (sp should be correct--Chumash for 'gathering place'?). Another told me about a 6pm hamburgers & movie at St Athanasius (sp?) Church. When I stopped by there, a younger guy, Jim / Ozzie said "You made it!" and we talked a bit. I decided not to stay. I had sat near another outdoor dweller earlier. He was sorting recycling he'd collected at night. The employee from the mailbox place walked by--no or hardly any recognition. . . do they deliver all my mail? This was Pardall, the main drag, much bicycle and foot traffic, and already I'd seen Amid from lg class bike by; I decided not to call out, feeling at my grungiest, with baggage prominent on table, near my compatriot.

I thanked him for sharing his spot when I left to go. He said, It's a public space. 'It's nice to have some company while working(though we did not talk much)--some times I play a radio, but I thought you might mind. . .' I'd been composing emails, pondering what to say, eating, in the shade of the abandoned Eclectic IV porch.

A good number of the outdoor dwellers are older men. The young anarchists and dread- / hippy-style, if they are around (I've seen a few) are mostly elsewhere.

One guy got to talking with me before a St Mark's lunch. He mentioned how he'd had apartments before, but that he got depressed in them. . . Yeah, I felt similarly.

---

Health-wise: I've been walking my legs off. Built muscle there. But knees, feet are either toughening or--

I think it may be better to avoid the St Mark's lunches. . . well maybe not.

Teeth, gums-- well I don't know.

Friday night was first night in a long time I was asleep with the sun, back on a more healthy routine.

So it could have been better to find a way to get myself to Camp Stevens. But I'll persist here.

My throat has a bit of irritation since the cook fire yesterday.

Was in a state of wanting to eat, eat Friday eve. The weeding work--other things in my schedule-- (the time in the forest seemed less food-preoccupied).

And time in limbo--what now?

And how much of my time should I sell? Should I try for the Tennis Club? What will bussing or camping involve then?

[What will keeping this up for 10 weeks out near UCSB involve / be like? Will I wish for a change of scenery?]

Am I most excited about teaching sailing? Could that lead to a life I love vs. life of reservation--people, movement. . . carfreeness.

---

I do want to swim, to be clean--

9 hrs volunteer work left.

Could help stuff envelopes with WYP.org Tues?

I walked a long ways to get back to my slough-side vine-cave last night. 'Home' was a word in mind. Still here. I can watch cyclists, hear birds and a muted industrial rushing / flow sound from what may be a gas pipeline-related place nearby.

---

Woke to jets taking off. Ate an lb of org pb yest pm + white shrooms (foraged) + tomato paste. And calimyrna figs. From Trader Joe's. Thought that might happen. Walking emptied some of it. Good in a way, but there's also a joint ache from a peanut binge like that and dark urine. (happily it has been a good long while [6+ mos?] since the last).

And still, (yesterday, before that,) I got to walking around, looking in dumpsters, cans (or, first, trees) to see what I could find.

Today woke, quite silent, and, what now?

Sorted through stuff to pare down weight. Logged on to see if any messages. Then to see if I might write. Yesterday, Friday, turned on phone a few times but did not begin.

---

But I did read [yesterday, Fri]--had been a while.

---

A plan may be: [post photos / empty camera,] tomorrow see if campus pool is open. If so swim (must be 11:30-1:30?). Maybe weed from 8-11. Maybe contact Tennis Club. Call sb sail. Watch slideshow for NAL interview Tues at 1 (should have made it later?). Add money to phone, charge phone, extra battery, switch to unlimited plan. Don't weed Tuesday, maybe just M,W,F, then that's it.

Wash clothes at some point. Today?

Is there a way to carry less stuff? Am I at point where I'd leave things at 'home'?

There's a faint chemical smell from the refiners/gas company?? (I spent one night near a pipeline and at one point the fumes were quite bad.)

---

Is reading, walking, eating, photoing, occasional blogging, photo-posting enough? And working?

friends and efforts to meet them

any more needed than this? Desired?

grey here, cool.

silent mind

---

[a breath and a smile,]

Photos Up! Kitesailors, fire, food, open space, Isla Vista

2009-05-16T18:39:00.000-07:00

2009-05-14 & 16 Santa Barbara / UCSB / Isla Vista / Goleta

moving in; relation

2009-05-15T23:18:00.000-07:00

2009-05-15-2009
Very much not present or thoughtful.
So: last Friday I paid $45 for 3months' rental of a mailbox + $10 setup fee:

Sixty-Five Fifty-Six Pardall Road Number One Twenty-Five
Goleta, CA 93117

I also added $25 to the phone and got the number changed to an 805 area code.

---

That was sort of watershed. What -- will I stay here 3+ months? Will I often return to or remain near UCSB? Why should area code / phone # be related to identity?

Soon after, I registered to vote, changed address with DMV. How you locate one's self--what is your residence?--how it is assumed you have one--If not, what do you put? On voter registration I put: Pardall and Camino Pescadero (near a central IV park, difficult to spell: "anis'oquoyo[?]"); for the DMV, after one perjurious address change, I listed 5986 Sandspit Rd, 93117--the address of Goleta Beach Park--as my residence.

The fires were happening. People were camping everywhere, & people were helping them do so--different than worrying about cops finding you or citizens telling cops about you. Also the contrast between camping out here vs. near Ensenada (food and water free here but must hide more? what else?).

I walked through vast amounts more of open space too--in, & surrounding Isla Vista.

And-- a deadline came and I bit. Restless, I'd been looking at part-time jobs on craigslist, elsewhere. Lifeguard for UCSB this summer was posted multiple times. I registered for the class (-$164) this past Tuesday and paid another $25 for a 20-swim pass good at one of their pools only between 1130 and 1300. I felt it would be good to care for body (at least by swimming), & to find a way to access weights, rec facilities (perhaps as an employee).

And when there is a job I can actually conceive of doing. . . I go with it.

I would not need many clothes for this job [lifeguard].

Also, I was at sea, wanting structure. The class at least would give me some.

I applied for the job. A good challenge. Small chance of them hiring me?--perhaps. But this will give me CPR, First Aid recert (necessary for challenge course work) and another possible role should I apply for residential camp work.

I made some breakthrus in the managing of docs for job applications--google docs + my html/css awareness helped.

---

Also, I met two homeless guys. One in Girsh Park. I saw him across the grass. Debated self-consciously about offering some of the dinner I had finished cooking--and did (he was appreciative and accepted and said oh this looks good after I gave him some, at his suggestion, on a blue plastic plate I got from a nearby trash can, waiting till his hit subsided and I was about to leave--it was getting dark--to eat).

I listened to rambling, wandering, a bit disconnected, pot-high, but helpful, friendly discourse. He did say the university cops were ordered to cite anyone (non-student? I may ask at some point) found sleeping at night on UCSB land, and that they had bought up more and more of the open space. He let me know there's a good free lunch every weekday at St Mark's Church across from the Hillel (12-1230) [I've since been twice]. He said he's 72, but doesn't tell many that--with how healthy and energetic he is they won't believe him. Once you get to 65 and have less than $2000, Uncle Sam gives you $900/mo--so after years and years of little income he now has more than he knew what to do with--via a Bank of America ATM card. He got a very warm North Face down bag [he has a tent off somewhere and keeps it there and gets around by bike mostly, or bus, as in today--he had got a flat]. He can buy big Hershey's chocolate bars with nuts. He started going to movies. He's a graduate of UCSB from the 50's (?) not long after it had moved to IV from the previous location (where SB City College is now). He goes to many campus cultural events--concerts, art shows, movies. He attends campus receptions (great food--and a prime season, graduation, is coming up). He has a chair in the Barnes & Nobles in the mall nearby and loves to be there and read the new books--more and more books about finer and finer points of history are coming out--he mentioned one, I think, devoted entirely just to the last day of the US Civil War. And spoke a lot about a graphic novel-made-movie -- something like _The Watchmen_. . . with superheroes, one "Rorschach(?)," (ever-changing inkblot facemask) another, the main guy, in a suit of blue LEDs. He loves to go to movies with a Colt Magnum he drinks from a soda cup and converses with--the movie? That _Watchwhatever_ movie, he saw it on the last day it showed in the area. At the end he was alone in the theater. The blue LED guy (Captain ??) helped the US win in Vietnam, and Nixon got a 3rd term.

A problem for the outdoor dwellers may be lack of relation.

I feel it at least.

I was happy to talk with Art, but have avoided calling Jacob, a housed and girlfriended friend I met at my stint as a volunteer in the kitchen at Quail Springs during a permaculture course.

Art loves this country. No one else has been able to do what has been done here, especially right here (the Santa Barbara area?). The Romans may have had palaces, but we (he gestures around him) have this, which offers a bit more room. He used to rotate between Santa Cruz and Berkeley (on a nearly day-long sequence of city bus rides that cost him <$5), and has dwelt in the UK and other countries. I agree with parts of his assessment of where we both are. I'm happy to have found the place he's chosen after years elsewhere.

[Another Art-ism: there's no morality (law, morality, is generally constructed because it is useful), but there are consequences to everything, even to this conversation right now. Another: some people are born generous, some not. The selfish, the evasive, the criminal will stay that way. It's nature far far more than nurture--I used to discuss with my Swedish rock singer girlfriend (when I was in the UK) about that. You just need money to get in to the UK, after that, you can stay--my singer friend did that.]

---

Well, that lack of relation. I felt it in Art's great joy/drive in talking and in the other guy I met. . . It's mostly in me I guess (so I see it in them)?

Everyone else is running around and we are not?

We've been bought off? Even though the helpfulness of the others' running around is maybe doubtful, we are dependent (are we?) on their running yet have no part in it, except as scenery (perhaps we're in the way), or as people to help out on occasion, and the path we're on has no relevance to theirs?

Now attending the lifeguard class is way up there in oddness / art. I have my pack. I'm older [Bob, who runs a small Christian camp near Cold Springs Tavern is older]. People do treat me differently, some of them. [It has been hard (physical, chilly--an outdoor pool at night, sometimes too much time standing, wet, on the deck.) and fun, and there has been relation, connection (saw Nicole with whom I practiced strangles [the drowning person grabs you around the neck and won't let go] and escapes in the checkout line tonight. Megan is friendly. Max, a good guy. Amid too.), though maybe one is afraid to recognize my possibility (Or is that just me? Would non-recognition matter? What am I not recognizing? This b aimless thought? Breathe and smile. . .).

---

Why do these people rush back and forth between perfectly good dwellings? An office to sleep in-- and the students have a huge amount of open space where they could comfortably camp.

A car-bent historical marker marked the site of a camp of Juan Bautista (?) near a former Chumash village.

Now we have isolated, fearful (some of them) campers, hidden tents. . .

The rich relation once offered in the Chumash village. . . well, now only an approximation of it can be found by those who live in buildings and commute?

SB Info Shop has a zine library at the Isla Vista Coop. There is another opportunity for a village relation for outdoor dwellers? I just read a zine by minor cavegrrrl at excite.net on dropping out. Sbdiy.org

So I watched myself applying for that $9.50/hr lifeguard job (answering questions about why I was applying, what I have to contribute, what makes me the best for the job--maybe i'll paste my answers below later). I watched myself smile and ask Satish [a thin, young, Filipino(?) i guessed to be gay when I saw him, but that may be the style--similar to some HS-aged neo-breakdancers who came to the Kroc Center, or maybe to the Mexican emos] if he'd received my app (and watched myself wince at the memory of that) after he'd visited our class to solicit more apps.

And the thought has occurred: do I need money? What happens without it? [Might I try, as a kind of discipline, a year without working for money (knowing I have food stamps)?] "Folks (i don't trust) Call Me Bill" (he later told me his real name) said he'd lived without money for a while. It seemed he wasn't even getting food stamps. But he could pass for a well-to-do bicycle tourer.

What would I do with myself?

We may be finding out. I'm not yet ready to sell myself full-time to a residential camp. UCSB may not want to interview me given the oddness of my app (most recent job paid more in a half day than their job would pay in a 20-hr week--but that's only part of the oddness. In time, maybe, I could make it less odd.)

What would I do?

The lifeguard class will be over Thurs. That bit of structure will be gone. Maybe I'll read the raw food books at the coop and use food stamps to help me apply that.

I may be doing my 17 hrs volunteer work with the Backyard Harvest program of the SB Food Bank. I'll ride around and help pick fruit (incl. avocados), nuts and ?? from houses in the program. Maybe.

We'll see.

But just for example, today I structured the whole day, mostly, on needing to find a copy of the $35 _Lifeguarding_ book to study. Oddly, the book was not included in the class price. Oddly the Red Cross HQ at 2707 State St would not let me read the book there, though they will sell copies. A friendly lifeguard at Los Baños pool downtown let me sit in the lobby and study until it closed at ~215. Then I came over to Shoreline Park to cook, and now, to write this. Now I should soon head to catch the (1935) SBCC -> UCSB express bus. There's a fairly good camp spot over there (near UCSB) even if I want to sleep in or cook--and since class has gone till ~930 and the walk back to that spot is ~:45, I've not been keeping the guideline, "the homeless rise at dawn," or before dawn in my case, with an alarm at 0445.

You have life. (when you wake, and when you wake that early)

What do you do?

A breath and a smile.

---

Back when I was still reading a bit, not lifeguard-training or -applying, here's something I wrote:

---

Asunto: omg

2009-05-07-1900
The sun is setting.
Fire is burning.
Kitesailors sailing, swarming, flying, speeding, floating, hypnotic for hours, pivot on wave lip carving graceful

Cooking in the strong sun on the UCSB beach. Is there any other campus?

Now, and why I write, Knut Hamsun's "Isak and Inger." Beautiful. Earlier, too, I left off considering how to sell self. Many opportunities? No need?

"Will you be coming back maybe?" [-Isak]

--we can support ourselves. . . If we are allowed to.-- (Zapatistas or a people near them? Give me land, not food?) I'm in the UCSB library for the first time.

"Ho," says he.

"And what'd you say to a house with two rooms in?"

"Bring up a good-sized basket, or a box,"

"I'll just be wanting it,"

Oh my god and tears in eyes--life, language, awareness. . .

"What do you say, Isak?"

"Wedded?" "Why, yes, of course."

---

Photos up!

2009-05-07T12:42:00.000-07:00

2009-04-12: twelve-day forest trip; SB discoveries (sbfoodnotlawns, kiosk, etc)

2009-04-22 6 days LPNF, return to SD, Loss of cable for charging! Loss of entertainment.

2009-04-25 San Diego, Garden, Court

2009-04-28 San Diego, Point Loma to Acorn and Seminole walk

2009-05-07 SD to Deer Park Monastery to Santa Barbara

$;M'sday;introspection;>breath;adventure

2009-05-06T14:02:00.000-07:00

2009-05-06-1027 To be plain about my motivation: the only cash-accumulating I do with little effort or effortful commitment is, potentially, that which occurs by me writing here. We are not supposed to discuss this phenomenon in certain ways.

So, since I generated more text in writing to my mom for mother's day--I'm planning to type it in here.

I have yet to see a cent from doing this, but last I checked you have to make $100 before you can get anything.

And I have friends who, well one friend, Frank Cook (plantsandhealers.com or .org?) who just ask for donations when they need something (and when he is teaching). (He is an active teacher and many value what he shares.)

I don't have a clear vision of what I need though. So here's writing I've done recently.

Yes, my motivation to post here is not (only) $. If motive were $, then--(more effort required). and I've been posting to web sin lucro since 1995--

Perhaps if ads could be displayed by photos in picasa photo albums--

What is life without entertainment?

What is life but entertainment?

2009-05-06-0937

Dear Mom:

Happy Mother's Day! I'm in Tucker Grove County Park in Santa Barbara or Goleta. It looks like I will be walking over to Goleta Beach County Park to find out about doing volunteer work for these parks. I'm supposed to do about 17 hrs work for the ticket I got (or pay $164).

The past two days here it got very windy in the afternoon. This day seems more tame.

I have a tick bite that is rather tender--I'll have to watch it. I heard someone say their dog got Lyme Disease on the west coast--

I have many good books to read. I have two from a pile I found mouldering in the forest yesterday-- _The Nobel Prize Treasury_ from 1948 and _The Seven Deadly Sins of Science Fiction_. I'd like to do more than read books though,

---

I just looked up Lyme Disease. The Wikipedia article cost 91k. . . Long, detailed. It's probably not lyme disease that the tick gave me, based on what I read.

It sounds like lizards can get ticks! And all the lizards in CA may be a reason there's not so much lyme disease here.

I'm in a leash-free dog area. but this is a less-used park than some closer to the coast.

I got my food stamp 'benefits' yesterday--why I'm in this part of town--

I took the bus out to the county offices and decided to explore around there in the opposite direction I went from last time.

My tentative next step is to get an address and an 805 telephone #. But with me, nothing's for sure.

Without a strong plan, I'll probably follow the volunteer work suggestion of the park host here who's over by the restrooms and playground doing garden/landscape work. Earlier a court-ordered community service guy was with him.

I'm not sure what's next--If I weren't writing you, I might not be considering that--

Probably 1st the volunteer work.

Maybe avoid getting an address or changing phone # until the need for that becomes painfully clear.

That sounds like a good plan!

Is this the evolution of frugality?

Avoidance of any commitment?

It is a beautiful day here--

And when I stop attempting to plan or implement plan--I have a lot of time to enjoy reading, walking, cooking, exercising, exploring, resting-- [yet the plan gives me places to walk to, etc.]

So! This is a good Mother's Day letter I think--

Love,

Colin

A breath and a smile

---------------end letter------------

Asunto: Introspection

2009-05-06-0800 I reed, and it is a kind of escape. As a balance, as a practice, I'll make a point to write, somewhat without concern for interesting an audience.

Wanting a purpose, direction I was, not long after waking. Why don't I have one? I have learned to doubt any purpose I develop. An old story. Driven by great goals for years, the goals achieved are not nourishing?

And so many fret about not having purpose--so then: question the idea of needing purpose. Questioning purpose is a luxury allowed when necessaries of survival are abundant.

Concretely, the question of purpose arose this AM because: do I really want to get a Santa Barbara mailing address, say at a UPS store, and start applying for work? Or do I want to wander? Would I rather work on becoming a sailor as I was before--and so on. A use of the mind I'm tired of, that wondering, questioning.

A larger purpose would be nice, would help to organize life beyond maintenance of daily pleasures, would help to guide my interactions with others, would help me be a social being.

A change has been that I completed the food stamps app process yesterday, and now have $320 + $200 more every seventh day of the month after this one for food. So I have more time to not worry about income and less motivation to look in dumpsters.

---

A doubt that any long-worked-for goal will continue to be rewarding, motivating. A doubt of ability to maintain long-term enthusiasm for--

Watching life continues to be interesting. Acting, producing, serving--anything active--

I know a few on food stamps, and others who probably are--helps to explain a few mysteries of how some I know 'support themselves'.

For me, food stamps become a sort of reward for not living with relatives--they'd be more difficult to get were I living at an address with family.

Does life ask?

----------------end Introspection-------------

Asunto: more than breathe & smile

2009-05-04-1821 I'd like to more than breathe and smile.

Tina helped me remember another reason people choose to associate with a person or community: to develop health- and life-affirming practices.

She shared with me some "Gojis - Cacao Nibs - Cashews" by NavitasNaturals.com (Novato, CA). She asked if I'd like some food when I stopped close to where she was sitting at the Oceanside Transit Ctr, feeling drawn to talk with her--

She discussed experimenting with raw food diets after I mentioned a raw foodist I had met had given me a cacao bean when I asked that raw foodist what she did if she ever felt run down. I still carry that bean. Tina said: but no, you get more energy, and described how she had more awake conscious time when she ate raw foods than she knew what to do with, almost. Tina mentioned that many people do things, it seems, that (or in order to) run them down.

I thought, "more awake, conscious time--what would I do with that?" I had jogged down the hill from Counsel Springs in record time to make the 5:45- ~6:30 sitting at Deer Park Monastery on Sunday, only because I happened to wake up early and knew it could be my last chance (I had come down later -- ~0830 -- on the previous Thursday day of mindfulness). Sleeping often seems to me a pleasureful and interesting (from the dreams) use of time.

But might it be nice to want to make use of more awake time? Might that be to be more alive?

At any rate, I realize that if the path I'm exploring appears to others to be destructive of health--if I smile and my teeth look black around the gums (among other signs)--well, potential fellow walkers would be encouraged to go elsewhere.

And the diet of the the long-time raw foodists I have met seems very good and they often are thin but healthy-looking and even radiant or vibrant, at least when speaking with me (we often are energized when speaking with others about what we care about).

Tina also shared with me some of her experiments in life--relating, I think, to what she called "glimpses", glimpses of pure love, joy. I don't quite have her words--she said something concrete--perhaps describing the experience as tingling, vibrant, radiant, [bubbling? twinkling? effervescing?] but not in those words.

She mentioned going a day without speaking, a day+ without eating, and, what she detailed most and what most appealed to me, a day without sight.

So Tina, Mirror--

And just the day before, reading Sister Chan Khong(sp?)'s _Learning True Love_, I had written down the following: Thay/Thich Nhat Hanh had asked her why she wore an ill-fitting dress--which she wore as a sort of disguise to fit in in the slums-- and he recommended she dress to look good: "A person's beauty must be seen from the outside as well as from the inside[. . .] It will encourage those who might like to join you[. . .] One's mind, actions, and dress should all communicate one's quality of being."

And here's another note from the pad while I'm at it:

Friends of CML (Community of Mindful Living?): groups.yahoo.com/group/friendsofCML

---

It seems I don't have a lot more to add. On the train to Santa Barbara, I also met Jen--that was a positive, even joyful interaction. Leaving Tina was a bit less graceful. I got to saying, right out loud, that I wonder how to make the most of meetings such as this one. I do pass on a handmade business card (a page from my notepad with name, blog url). But can we be any more deliberate in meetings such as these to help build / evolve positive culture? And while I did not say this out loud, when in an encounter like this, when it seems that we each continue to have new things to say--how does one peacefully, mindfully, gracefully, meaningfully say good-bye?

I love the buddhist bow and the gatha "a lotus for you, a Buddha to be," with a clear meeting of the other's gaze. I got a bit of that in with Jen.

Jen and

[that's as far as I got--the sun set, the wind was high along the cliffs by Shoreline Park where earlier I'd cooked garbanzos, black-eyed peas, eggs, rice, greens, in my pot & stove on a picnic grill. 75'+ tall palm trees flagging--one lost a frond; a crow, wings in, attempting to dock with another of the trees in gusts to 30 knots.

Jen and I'd been talking partly about how to guide life, decide, plan--based in spirit. We were together long enough and different enough to be silent together, She reading a Philip Larkin (?) book on prayer, me looking at newspapers I'd pulled from a trash container before meeting Tina.

And this kind of writing has an element of showing off? Who I met? That these people will speak with me, have meaningful conversation?

And I note that the greatest pain in my mind comes from--here it is from the notepad: "The relational component of mind causes most anxiety and suffering--

is dad ashamed of me?

am I rejected by dennis?

seen as worth less?"

and a tip from Michael Kimmel's site, lifebeyondtherapy.com: we/I may use compulsive behaviors to temporarily decrease anxiety.

---

So. Time to send this off and enjoy this day and what's next?

A breath and a smile,]

-----------

Asunto: In search of adventure

There is one other theme stored up. Vernon (he is [in]famous for something but I resist giving his last name since I labeled his ~location in Brightkite) and I had hours to talk--

About things to do to be more inviting to others who'd want to walk, there were many insights. Adults, as do kids, benefit from structure--

But more to do with life, we got to talking about intoxication.

So much of what adults do that is called vice has to do it seems with an escape from mundanity, a sort of search for adventure within the realms where any fear that comes up is a joyful[?] fear.

Drugs--an adventure in perception, and also a perceptual cycle. Sex. Tina's non-vice experiments. My camping out. Ray Jardine's life.

---

Jan at Quail Springs (may have) defined spiritual growth / enlightenment as becoming more and more attuned so one needs to do less and less to make joy.

At the monastery, the absence of sex, intoxicants, and entertainments as I've gotten used to them: walking to new places, reading, and so on. . . The enormous weight (for me) of the routine there, the amount of sitting still--all that may be consistent with Jan's idea, and with what one nun there shared as the process of learning to appreciate broccoli or carrot rather than candy bar.

And some guy, a lit critic or book reviewer--"to entertain the passing while" that's my nonsense approximation, but something about 'enriching time as it passes' as being, possibly, the most we can ask of anyone, of any art. And Thomas Mann's description of music and literature as existing in time, as doing just that.

how much of what people believe needs to or should be done is a sort of drama, generated, sought, or accepted in order to occupy the mind?

(the thoughts of a person who feels strongly about, is commited to, believes in nothing?)

and here insert the usual disclaimer about how privileged I am--. The usual answer: if you're privileged and suffering, "give back" (shaktirising.org), help others. . .

---- past time to go. But to complete the dump here's some _Atlas Shrugged_ that made it into the notepad, and related thoughts:

"he held his head as if he faced a challenge and found joy in his capacity to meet it."

development: are you challenged in a meaningful way?

sex as perhaps the best way to express "being in love with the fact that one exists and in this kind of world."

and this brings to mind when Tom Brown Jr's _Grandfather_ recovers meaning facing death finding joy as his body rises to supernatural potential to survive.

To meaningful adventure and work-- let's not just 'pass the while', but be as Rand's heroine when with Rearden exploring implications of the new alloy--I did not write that part down, but she wishes every moment of her life to be as pregnant, potentiated, significant as those were (more likely, we want those moments in our cycle of experience).

the wind has returned.

This moment matters, in it we are creating the new culture--when all who wish to are free to. . . responsible for. . . obligated to--

1335

Rut; Shared vision; Without entertainment, what-- ?

2009-04-22T19:05:00.000-07:00

[This is written at Grandma Ann's house in San Diego. I took the 0640 train back from Santa Barbara yesterday (-$33, -$2.50).]

A list of things to do before I leave.

Wash various things.
Contact LM
Find W2s, etc.
Deposit check
H202
Tooth brush
Notepad

Everything else can wait.

Plan is to go to court on Friday. See if I can do something other than pay $381. Doing so will cost $2+$2+$8+$2.5+$2+a day maybe--until they tell me the new penalty--if there is a different one possible. Legal Aid in San Diego was helpful. They said if you plead guilty to a misdemeanor, infraction, felony--all those are criminal offenses (when applying for jobs they often ask about these).

Friday night, visit Point Loma grandparents.

Saturday?

Sunday? could go to World Beat Sangha. Not sure-- [have sort of lost that sangha love I felt before; just have Santa Barbara-ish love now.]

Monday?

. . .

Wednesday: catch the 0610am train to Santa Barbara! (-$33, -$2.50)

---

Begged David from the sangha for the ride to Escondido--

Begged a guy on the train for his paper.

Recognizing need (?) for entertainment. . . [could I talk to people?]

---

***Some time after posting that last post--

--near the top of Angostura Pass--

--I lost the cable that lets me charge my cell phone and palm/clié/pda.--

[so I type this on my old sony vaio subnotebook with fan, drive noise, laying on my back--a pulsing bass, ding from apts out back.]***

---

The next morning I noted it missing. I walked all the way back up (6-7mi rt) after hanging my pack from a line over a branch. Did not find the cable.

So I had a week+'s worth of food, but only one partial charge on my ebook reader.

---

Long ago I figured there would be a break in the [technomadic] technology at some point. [de-tech-ed]

---

I stuck it out for a little while.

---

But still, I came back (at least two+ days) before I had run out of food.

---

I did take some time to be visionary. To practice self-inquiry rather than self-escape.

---

[From the notepad:

Culture comes from energy use.

Mood, etc., from ~ (mood, state) of organisms eaten. (had eaten a wild snake).

Divine, how can I use my mind constructive?

use form, create space,
space that was right in front of noses, unseen.

]

I got to contemplating an old writing of mine, "Ten Steps to a New Vision." (because it mentions spending "40 days and nights at our desert retreat center"; because it was from a time when I was willingly visionary--when I was engaging in, not avoiding, creative thought. )

I considered that "developing a vision" wasn't the best pointer--I needed to develop a shared vision. . . (otherwise I could just be insane perhaps).

How do I develop a shared vision?

By sharing others' visions.

Whose visions can I share?

-----
[Here begins the initial attempt at writing about the visioning forced on me by lack of entertainment. The part above is a later attempt begun after realizing I'd left some parts out in what follows.]

First I thought a bit about my last post. And the Los Padres Walkers idea.

Do I really want to have others to walk with?

If I do--with whom would others want to walk? Not a whiner.

They, I ask of people with whom they are considering spending time:

- Is s/he content?

- Does s/he stay still?

- Does s/he have a vision I can share?

- Does this relate to a developmental path? [at Quail Springs: build house, grow food, make living; at Sunburst: spiritual path; mainstream society: money, career, family; academic paths; Tom Brown Jr's school and Grandfather: development of spiritual, nature awareness, caretaking ability.]

[(Are the following qualities important: is s/he) compassionate? loving? thoughtful?]

---

Develop own developmental path. . .

Many existing developmental paths:

increase in development corresponds to increase in consumption.

[e.g.: developmental paths of achieving wealth, status, fame, power.]

how to have a developmental progression that corresponds to increase in service -- service to others (enabling them to consume less?) [is consumption inherently a problem or just the type of --- ?]

[the writing went like this:

most ↑ devel ↑ consumption
how to ↑ devel ↑ serve
how serve?
serve to ↓ consumpt?

Don't know]

---

That was basically it.

I also added "perhaps sit together once or twice per day" to the 'shared spiritual path' of Los Padres Walkers. I changed 'decision making' to: "by consensus (by elders in case of emergency)".

---

I did mentally compare myself when I was dreaming of organizing, leading, world-changing (as back in 1995 - 7, as with "the being group"), to now.

---

So here is the only plan I have in the world:

(1) The replacement part I need to charge cell phone should be here soon--Monday or Tuesday. (happily I had an extra cable here (San Diego) so I could charge the ebook reader. . . [and resume reading Arthur C. Clarke.])

(2) Return to Santa Barbara.

(3) Go to interview to see if I can get Food Stamps.

(4) Get address at UPS Store or other mail box place.

(5) Get new cell phone number in Santa Barbara (805) area code.

(6) Apply for jobs--One interested me: tutoring with Americorps. Also: attending people with developmental disabilities [the location is wonderful: an ocean- and marsh-surrounded peninsula on a large campus near UCSB with many abandoned buildings. . .]. Both are part time.

The Americorps job requires written references. I may not apply in that case.

I may want experience working with people with developmental disabilities. . . so I could later be a part of a Camphill Community.

Plus, With people With developmental disabilities, as opposed to non-developmentally disabled kids, I will be serving people who are emancipated.

I think you understand.

---

The main reason I can consider working in Santa Barbara: I can walk from beach to mountain trailhead in 1:15; there is plenty of open space for camping out even within the city; there are plenty of grilles with wood chip mulch nearby (fuel) for cooking; it is a nice place.

---

If I had a ton of money?

It would probably still be time to start working [in a new way]. (probably still would be camping out?)

I do not think I'm ready to endlessly wander the forest. I may avoid any commitment to a/that 3-week walk this summer.

---

So that's it.

---

The book[s] I got to reading this past trip was Arthur C. Clarke's
_2001: A Space Odyssey_, _2010: Odyssey Two_, _2061: Odyssey Three_, _3001: The Final Odyssey_.

"HAL" is one of those chilling/astonishing _Infinite Jest_ connections my mind came up with. . .

---

So why am I destitute without entertainment? I used to think I could deal with solitary imprisonment. . .

I could dance, meditate. . .

Sing. . .

[why can Clarke create this astonishing imaginary story while I must fall asleep for an engaging release from solitary forest existence [a dream]?]

---

There is a relational component of self, of mind. It is that fifth contemplation--"the sangha eye."

---

So, these words show a bit of where I'm.

---

Without entertainment, what--?

[that I left, briefly, the mindless habit energies of my 4602Seminole rut to spend time writing here. . . (~hope?)]

---

[To be fair: there had been a growing backlog of stuff to accomplish by returning here--one main goal: getting rid of some extra winter gear I'd been carrying: 3lb sleeping bag, umbrella, . . .]

stopping, breathing, smiling, acting

2009-04-15T14:19:00.000-07:00

[I stopped on the way up from 205' (Stevens Park) to 3390' (Angostura Pass) to not just focus on breathing and smiling (haven't been?), to say hi!]

We have arrived, we are home. Abide here, between heartbeats, between breaths.

I was in Santa Barbara for three nights and now am back in the hills.

In the five contemplations before eating, there is this:

"5. We accept this food so that we may nurture our sisterhood and brotherhood, strengthen our sangha, and nourish our ideal of serving all beings."

Everything can be seen as eating--eating of life. Though I'm often alone out here, I do consider how my actions can strengthen our sangha.

One way: writing a bit of what I learn. Much of it cannot be written. By going through repeated cycles of cooking, of eating, of sleeping, of weather, of trails, of walking, of resting, reading, repairing, resupplying, route choosing and finding--of leaving car-land and returning there and dwelling, urban houseless--of emailing, Internetting, and of leaving that behind--of discoveries found only because I walk--of frustrations, compulsions, recovery from and watching these, and of renewal of the feeling of love for wandering, for waking up another day somewhere I've never woken up before, a day ahead of--?.

The main lessons (? --from the 12 or so days out):

1. Bring or hunt more animal protein. Previous trip had one egg per day. For this one: two+ per day. Plus I scavenged a lot of animal foods while in town--and still have about 1lb Vons meatloaf, pounds of various cheeses (mascarpone, fontina). No sour cream this time, but the 4 lbs of non-Altadeena s.c. (trader joe's) worked well for me [last trip].

Because I am buying for a week or two at a time, I could now do more controlled dietary planning in terms of getting recommended amounts of fat, protein, etc.

2. Plan for three meals per day.

I did not move this last trip for ~6 days: I had one camp, read _Infinite Jest_, began to reread it, [then left,] began _Hamlet_.

Reading _IJ_ took a long time. 4+ days straight (and I was already a good ways into it). While the sun didn't exactly yo-yo, it was a bit as if I was on a multi-day drug binge or had succumbed to "the entertainment".

And it is designed to be re-read, a different book the second time. And attempting to understand the gestalt behind the work--the mind chews on the events of the story, tries to make a plausible story of where the author was coming from, tries to understand the mythology of the text, and the parallels pop up--with _Hamlet_, with creation myths, with Greek myths, with hypotheses about the author's new mythology presented here [in _IJ_], and the mind works in the background, popping in later, astonishing or amusing with a new guess about a new reason _IJ_ is the way it is.

Now I left all that behind when food got low and I had to walk and walk and then encounter and explore the city again and resupply in it--but soon I return to just mind, watching mind, and when I have enough of that, returning, perhaps, to _IJ_, to other stories, to some _IJ_ commentary on the web I plucked (downloaded) for the clié (palm).

Tentative Plans: Angosturo Pass -> Devils Cyn Trl -> Gibraltar Trl -> Cottam, Blue Cyn -> coming out Monday @ Romero Cyn.

I may try to stay longer. I think I have way more carbs than needed for 6 days. But I made an appointment. More on that later (~when I comment on the photos).

I took steps this time in town to learn SB as if it will be a long-term base for me, without a house.

Replaced decaying plastic water bottles. Visited a laundry mat. Surfed the web a bit for places I might look into working for.

Someone did email me about Los Padres Walkers, but I've taken no more steps to announce it.

Still working on organizing the 3-week Sierras trip with Leslie M., whom I've not met; wrote her a bit more about my prefs--and always wonder if that's the end? or will that greater revealing be accepted[, tolerated, allowed as only approximation].

Have yet to solve haircut issues. Needing new shoes. Need to mend pants. Those resupply / regeneration desires.

I did write my dad's mom. Both she and my mom's dad broke bones--clavicle, hip--since I've been gone. They both should live with other old folks/ more people, I think, but they don't.

I may return to San Diego May 1-11. May 1 is, I think, sdfoodnotawns.com's big conference. And maybe I can avoid paying $381 for that ticket, plus other assorted business--maps for planning trips; shoe, hat renewing--things for which an address helps. But returning there is risky rut-wise. Tho the longer I'm away, the more times I've left there, the less I fear sticking. Why go so far to return? Learn to live here, handle address-related desires here--

--

I got to watch the body get exhausted, not want to move, and then recover and do very well just from eating more of the food I brought + foraged greens.

I watched the mind cycle into period of frustration, frustration, frustration, with many little things, then out of that again into love.

I may be developing a more John Heron-like (or perhaps integral-like) view of helpful life practice: rather than seeking to bring a kind of mindfulness to all one's living, focus on cycling the mind and body and experience.

Rinsing in the cold stream is a way to reset mind from focus on little frustrations. Dealing with rain, hail (a cycle of body experience of weather) brings mind to whole focus on sense-experience rather than the somewhat mindless silent mental counting I fall into when hiking when mind is not wandering.

Yeah, so I have no job and am making no money.

The places I might apply to involve working with youth.

My issue is partly that I'm exploring a life I'm pretty sure most parents aren't to keen on their kids exploring.

My life is also a bit of an affront to those following the permaculture way of growing food, caring for land.

I don't need to look at it that way--

I still value the products of others' labor. Is there a way I can contribute?

I, perhaps, most want to serve the emancipated adult who finds mainstream life not fitting--

They could look here to see an alternative.

They could walk with me at some point--a hobo school unschool / Los Padres Walkers.

---

Inspired by _Infinite Jest_, I also briefly looked more into Food Addicts in Recovery and Overeaters Anonymous--oa.org, foodaddicts.org--both of which have SB-area meetings, Thurs eve, Sat morning.

Tricky with food is how to define succumbing to The Disease--not as simple as whether one has drunk, inhaled, shot up, gambled, etc., something.

My urban disease might now be 'looking in dumpsters'. [restraint begins there]

Well--

---

Lyn @ Quail Springs was grateful someone encouraged the green ambassador kids not to fret about what they want to be doing in 20 years. What do I want to do now? Follow that. Lyn was grateful for getting that suggestion herself at some point.

---

Is my vision the Los Padres Walkers? The wilderness awareness people who are interested in the idea are not lit-reading forest layabouts. . . ?

---

I looked a bit more at Obama's _Audacity_.

---

I walked by a shooting range / junkyard free-for-all on Forest Service land, at the top of the hill here, top of the watershed: shot-out monitors, TVs looking over a waved bowl [contoured in rising swells] w/ fragments of plastic, glass, florescent skeet clay--[an] expanse of unmade mosaic with tattered scarecrows of traffic cones, protruding posts, old tables, platforms, with things on them being smithereened--mini-epicenters of the unmade mosaic; a white-bread girl in white skirt with red earmuffs and a silver six-shooter; gangsters with their SUVs and AK-47s [the skinny country guys had the AKs--? The black/hispanic SUV guys, handguns?]; white prep boys in Carharts with shotguns and pigeon-launcher; and everyone else. The shots and their echoes sounding like rounds tearing the air somewhere nearby.

---

I just stopped, one night, and slept near a tunnel under the freeway, earplugs in, nice spot [eucalyptus grove] but for the rushing noise. It was time to just stop.

---

I spent a night in a monastery, a free one, where the monks go to bed by 1930 on Sundays, in clothes not their own, just showered, and rise in shifts of 20 at a time beginning at 0430. Later they have a few minutes to eat oatmeal, milk, generic-Os, the milk-glass emptied, a bit of coffee, before the sanctuary closes at ~0600, and they go out to their good work, sun unrisen.

---

There is a race of master builders of earthworks for BMX bicycles in this town. In neglected spots of oak-groved, pepper-treed open space along Las Positas Rd, Arroyo Burro Creek; one with a live Buddha, smoking something, overlooking it from an arundo cane alcove early on a quiet Sunday.

---

And master painters of concrete walls on the embakment between rail- and high-way.

---

There is coastal bluff open space for dogs and flute-busker Milo. There is SBfoodnotlawns.org and west-side food-shed google group and a kiosk/bulletin board with built-in free box on Camino De La Luz, which has a pedestrian bridge at the end into Mesa Park where I saw Milo again.

---

There are extensive bike trails, well-used.

---

A breath and a smile,

Photos up; Los Padres Walkers community listing created

2009-04-01T19:14:00.000-07:00

Finally the photos from since February 11 or so are captioned and rotated!

San Diego - LA - Piru 2008-02-12 to 17

Hike to Quail Springs 2008-02-17 to 22

Quail Springs to Spirit Pine (Figueroa Mountain)

Figueroa Mtn to Sunburst to Refugio Beach State Park 2008-03-28

The main big news though is that I posted a listing on ic.org for a new community, "Los Padres Walkers":

http://directory.ic.org/22140/Los_Padres_Walkers
and I set up a google group as well:
http://groups.google.com/group/lpws

What remains is to announce it.

There's a lot more that could be written. Well, below I paste about the only writing I've done though, a letter to a member of the Sunburst community. The rest is in the captions for the photos.

I plan to announce Los Padres Walkers to:

SoCal Indigenous Living & Origin Skills
Dharma Hikers / Walking Sangha
Derrick Jensen lists / primitive skills lists.

That's probably enough. Tentatively I'm planning to resupply and get back into the forest for another two weeks. This has been a ton of computer time though. Not sure I'll get to the announcing before I head to the forest again. And I wanted to send thank you notes / photos or at least emails to a few people now that the photos are taken care of. I may not be doing so many photos from now on.

Here's that email I wrote:

Heiko,

thank you for sharing your time with me and for being a teacher. For giving me _Grandfather_ [by Tom Brown], for sharing about Sunburst, for that time together on on the porch when you reminded me of divine intention.

Friday, I walked down Route 1 after morning meditation and walking the labrynth. It wasn't more than two hours to the adobe at Las Cruces. I went up to the hot springs, rested there a long while, got out, began to read _Grandfather_.

Later I followed the Trespass Trail--washed out (impassable), overgrown, but there is good water along the way, and I came out around 5pm along the coast. Now I'm at Refugio SP.

If you get a chance, please thank the rest of Sunburst for me for being so welcoming.

I was up on the hill that last afternoon, and came down again to help out a bit. I bet I'd like to help more people walk in the forest (or just sit still in the forest). And I realized you were walking in your forest, so I went to participate.

Thanks for giving me your email address!

Please have anyone looking for a walking (or forest-sitting) companion email or call me. We can sit at times and share mindfulness practices and just enjoy being out here together. It really is wonderful out here.

I think I saw three young condors this morning along the beach drying their wings or warming up--wings outstretched (imposing).

Thank you for the beautiful natural building you and Michelle helped make happen and for the permaculture ideas/awareness you shared.

I'm enjoying _Grandfather_--the clarity of purpose "to make things better for future generations by caretaking creation".

I enjoyed getting to read a bit of Paulson's (sp?) _Christ Consciousness_ and see a bit how your stories related to his.

It was wonderful to visit Alicia and Thomas and see their picture of Francia at Lemuria/Olgivy--and to meet Patty (sp?) and hear her words about living, working in community being a way to realize divine intent. And I value Barbara's sharing with me an essence of Sunburst's mission--the keyhole, with the practices or elements supporting progression to Christ Consciousness. (and Helge's showing me around
the ranch! And Francia's sharing about the farmer who knows Chumash rock art sites--)

It is great to see how your focus on growing and selling good organic food has led to such well-being for your community (I noticed at least some beautiful teeth--some or most communities I've been visiting have neglected dental care perhaps). And to meet people who have been growing organic food for years.

Heiko, I'm rambling--thanks for sharing with me--I feel that partly (it was divine intention that) I came to Sunburst to learn from you.

a breath and a smile,

No plan, no destination;in forest -4/21?

2009-04-01T13:26:00.000-07:00

I made it to Cold Springs Saddle (3401')from near Milpas St & 101 in Santa Barbara with what could be enough food for three weeks.

I wish I had written my grandma before I left town.

There is a post I finished at ~7:45PM 3/30 (Monday) that won't be published until this evening. . . I used the delayed publishing/post-dating feature.

So the main thing is: this may be the last heard from me until 4/21. More likely though I'll check in from a mountaintop or leave the forest by 4/14 or even earlier.

The last attempt to carry two weeks of food was a fiasco. . .

This time I mis-measured and may have brought twice as many legumes as I would eat in two weeks (almost 2 cups dry/day).

I'm somewhat greedy for expanses of time free from structure and free from carland and from the calorie/food addiction/preoccupation that often distracts me when I am in communities or urban areas.

After a week of this how will I feel?

A lot will be considered/ thought about out here besides food. . . (or the mind may quickly run out and be still/silent. And then? Read? Climb mountain to check/send email?)

I'll finish Tom Brown's _Grandfather_. Maybe _Infinite Jest_.

I'll enjoy sleeping outside without worrying about cops or about car or people noise or bright lights.

I'll drink good water. Collect good greens. Get lots of rest.

I'll be at Forbush Camp tonight. Then I think I'll head to Little Caliente Hot Springs. After that I could go eastish toward Ojai, or westish to Cachuma Saddle. I may move slowly at first due to pack being heavy.

I'll let the "Los Padres Walkers" community idea sit (groups.google.com/group/lpws). If it is still with me after a while, I may make a better list of where to announce it.

I won't take as many pictures--the old ones give the basic idea.

Enjoy the next three weeks!

Oh, Leslie M and I and others possibly are still planning that three-week mindfulness sangha Sierras walk in about August.

If I want alternatives to paying the $381 ticket, I should go to Vista/Escondido by 5/11.

[Partly, the Los Padres Walkers idea comes from my reaction to the various communities I visited, to not wanting to stay in those communities. Partly it comes from that monk (Zoima?) in _The Brothers Karamazov_'s injunction to take responsibility for everyone and everything. I don't want to be escapist. I want to help the others, who, like me, were stuck in buldings, behind computers, in carland, in private property land, in "highest and best use" land, in excessive calories land. In the land where people try to attract and retain mates and reproduce, reproduce, attract, copy.]

[I'm sorry to have once again defined myself in opposition to aspects of existence which are a part of me and which I need. I'd better present my exploration as seeking greater diversity and as seeking the appropriate degree of life's elements for my own situation.

Another thought, maybe not related, follows.

Haiko left me with a pointer: what I experience, the divine/spirit does also. We are its eyes and ears (and hands and mind).]

[Let me also add, while I'm going on and on, I still have no clue what to make of Quail Springs. No clue. I let it fade from my mind. I take no initiative in planning to return (I wait until you want to walk there with me). Though anything I can say about it is positive. The story I have developed: they live (interpersonally) as if they had already attained the permaculture ideal of abundance. Tears came attempting to explain this--"What did I do to deserve this? --it's like your mother" (how the ideal of mother loves). So often they express welcoming and appreciation. And there must be some mistake; they must have changed their minds by now--

But aside from my not comprehending or relaxing into their way, my unease may come more from not fully aligning/resonating with their (or anyone's?) building, planting, staying put, eating, working, and car-using projects.

So I'll paste in here some writing I attempted during the 2.5 weeks I was there:

--begin paste--

Asunto: no longr write

Why I can no longer write. But I said, "I wish every one could know what I know here." Could I write, a few more would.

Amazing clichés. Amazing people. Royalty [of character, soul, aspiration]. Melodramatization. Expression. Criticism. Self-satire. Inspire solidity, confidence.

Madness. Madness. How can this exist. How can such fine people be here with me? Be serving me? Cooking for me? Gourmets. Teaching me. Charging others not me. Why am I community, guest, appreciated, served, taught, and learned from by some, accepted as part of the worthy diversity, even as I feel. . .

Need I write more. . . ?

I will not stay? I will hobble on? Back to an old way "I" can comprehend more? More suited to. . . confidence, solidity.

--end paste--]

[It costs a quarter to post this, regardless of length.]

[Ben and Raffi just left. Ben, the informal, undercover mayor of I.V. (Isla Vista). Run the parks, they say. Lots of good stories. Driving out to Pendola where there's a hot tub they say. I could have gone. Said a bunch of 'Nam vets migrate on horse down here from Yosemite for the winter (others drive/ride). He'll meet them at Pendola. I see a Pendola Debris Dam on the Bryan Conant's map, but no hot springs. Do they mean Little Caliente? Ben gave me tips on how to get fed and how not to get caught by the cops camping in IV (if it looks good to you. . . ). I wanted to ask about the UCSB police too, but he answered something different. Isla Vista's a good place. So many places I could hang out.]

A breath and a smile,

@Gaviota 3/25;QS 3/26-31;4/1 walk SP>QS?

2009-03-20T23:04:00.000-07:00

I want right now to not be concerned that my family might be wondering whether I arrived at Spirit Pine (SP). So I'm breaking my Internet silence.

I've been avoiding using this phone or adding money to it. I've not checked email since 3/11 (two Wednesdays ago) and may not check until after 3/26.

I don't need to do a thing about the ticket I got--until 4/9, and should be able to push that to 5/9, or pay $381--

The upcoming [tentative] plan is in the subject line. QS = quailsprings.org, SP=Spirit Pine Sanctuary (only online info for that I've found is at Eva's blog [evalarevolution.blogspot.com ? The link is in the calendar entry for 3/11-3/19]).

I'm going to Gaviota (1) to have a place to walk to, and (2) to visit what was once called The Brotherhood of the Sun, and is now Sunburstonline.org (?). I'll head to the place where they have 630am meditation, which may be 5 miles west of where 1 leaves 101.

3/26 will be used to get to Ojai to meet a friend from San Diego at 5pm or later and ride to Quail Springs.

3/31 I'll get a ride to Spirit Pine and the following day begin a walk to Quail Springs.

Then I'll leave Quail Springs, go north, visit Monterey and the SF bay area. I'll plan with Lesley M. a 3-week mindfulness sangha walk in the Sierras.

Then I'll volunteer at couchsurfing.org's headquarters (near Berkeley?).

4/9 I'll go back to Escondido and serve time or do service work and camp out near DeerParkMonastery.org (but not on the nature preserve!).

So, no need to wonder where I'll be!

Next post after 4/9?

---

I do hope to get my pictures posted. Some have been, but are not yet rotated, commented, deleted.

But mostly I've been living an offline life. I've not seen a newspaper or a news site since 2/17. No TV or radio either.

I have encountered native american rock art (now visible as red marks on rock faces) along the Manzana Trail in Los Padres National Forest.

No one I've met has even mentioned any current (non-local) event.

[At QS, I did look at a few books. But suprisingly often these days I've spent my time just watching my mind, seeing what comes along.]

good night. Back to focusing on my breathing and smiling.

Visiting Spirit Pine was a challenge. I'd rather breathe and smile than write about it.

[yet] I'd like to help those who are not in this offline ancient world [resting deeply in their own current present moment?] and who want in to get in.

it is wonderful out here. Beautiful things. Loving people. Quail Springs has been a big part of that. Their gratitude practice. And my time with the Deer Park and San Diego sanghas. And some Spirit Pine-related magic, and magic from the walk there, and how that led to my next tentative destination/return to walking.

--

a breath, a smile, and a bun dance--

Growing the Sangha; Jest; Songs

2009-02-12T11:18:00.000-08:00

Purpose: To rest deeply in the present.

Values: Peace.

Vision: Interact with others to grow the sangha.

(Thanks to _Full Steam Ahead_ by Blanchard and Stoner, given to me by Brent Bystedt.)

What I learned at the monastery:
"A breath and a smile. Generating future from past, may I rest in the present."

I learned to return awareness to my breath and to my present sensations--whether neutral, pleasant, or unpleasant-- and to smile.

I learned to look at my feelings and ask whether they originate internally, externally or internally/externally (and: do they originate in the mind or in the body?). Of the unpleasant feelings, noting the mental origin of many of them reduces the unpleasantness.

This returning to the present sensations I learned to do throughout the day: walking, sitting, eating, talking, laying down, working. When a bell sounds, we are reminded to return to the present.

The unrestrictive retreat environment (we can talk to each other, are encouraged to interact, and we even have breaks from silent eating and sitting, but never the bells) let me say foolish things (and encouraged and helped me to apologize ASAP) and let me learn and resolve to speak more mindfully--the tongue was mentioned by one monastic (Phap Hai[?]) as being a few inches of flesh causing much of human suffering.

We are even encouraged to speak in challenging (potentially harm-causing and mindless) situations (Happiness Meeting, Beginning Anew, Dharma Discussions)--and these are more laboratories for developing mindful, thoughtful, considered speech--for developing spontaneity while still being considerate, compassionate, joyful, and helpful in what one says.

---

All that--is a better way to live. Instead of writing here, I've been returning to the present and enjoying doing so.

I've gotten lost in mindlessness (mostly eating and reading) since I returned--but by not writing (or chewing over the past) and by quickly returning to awareness of my present breath and by smiling, life has been better (richer?) than before.

Questions I left with: what does it mean to live deeply in each moment? What does it mean to rest deeply in each moment? These were mentioned as goals of the practice. What are results of doing so?

--

I've met wonderful people on my return to San Diego--people part of the Thich Nhat Hanh-inspired (what I've been calling The) Mindfulness Sangha.

Wonderful people. People my age (people of different ages, but somehow similar. Similar in sharing a value for the practice/work we learn at Deer Park (or from TNH's books/videos)?)-- Inspiring people. People who inspire me with their presence, their way of being. David, Steven, Marika, Namaste, Steve, and others. Steven wove bracelets for us, and with each knot returned his mind to "I love you". David and I both note there's something more than averagely special about Steven. David suggested it is his empathy. And note, friends, everyone I've mentioned here I would note as having (more often than I've encountered it before) that special quality--a peace, a calmness, a deliberateness, a sensitivity, an awareness? These are all people on the edge--one foot in the non-monastic culture, one foot feeling in a direction that perhaps neither their parents nor the monastics (spiritual parents) are testing. [This paragraph strikes me as somewhat unskillful. I don't want to discourage monastics who might read this (they and their example have helped me so much). But there is a somberness there--there is something at the monastery, about the cultural reproduction there, I'm not totally embracing. . . I want to say it has to do with uniqueness and personality, facebookness/friendfeedness. There is something joyfully mindblowing about the diversity of paths I encounter outside? A breath and a smile.]

[While it is on my mind: the fourth of the five contemplations when touching the earth is "people I love/or people who love me"--this was left out of the earlier post.]

---

The future has been my greatest hang-up since returning. What next? How do I guide myself beyond continuing to return to the present?

"Interact with others to grow the mindfulness sangha." Is a vision for acting that has helped.

"Refrain from reproducing the old cycles and habits." That seems to be the deeper unconscious instruction. Do things differently. With no vision for the future, I laid still nearly two days until one vision was in place (wwoofing). "Do not stay at grandma's house." That seems almost compulsory.

So, tomorrow, I leave again. I leave the sangha I've found here. Perhaps I'll remain away much longer than I have before?

---

That may be all the story I have about the monastery. The routine and near-vegan diet were a challenge (some monastics with soy allergies/ failure to thrive as vegan will eat eggs, dairy, but default diet is vegan).

During a Q&A session, two monks and a nun mentioned not being happier than before they ordained, but that they were more solid and stable. Sweetness of monastic life was compared to that of a broccoli or carrot--a skill they developed in developing their sensitivity and awareness--vs. the sweetness and rush (and down and unnourishing effects) of a candy bar.

That comment was helpful. I rather like my non-monastic life? There are joyful elements. Though or because I work rarely, I enjoy the work, especially the coworkers I meet and the new situations the work puts me in. I like to meet the permaculture people. There is more awareness and implementation of earth-beauty, earth-connection there (In some ways. PC'ers may be less aware, less mindful, less calm, more harmfully passionate, more car-intensive). I love especially the mindfulness sangha members on the edge, bringing mindful practices to their non-monastic lives.

David, a man I met at the monastery who travels around to many monasteries--an itinerant un-ordained Buddha-valuer, well-read, thoughtfully considered, much to say about wandering and helping--I'm remembering him now.

I learned to view indecision as a habit of mind: mind likes to generate indecision perhaps because that perpetuates mind. Is it possible just to decide? To recognize the indecision habit and then return awareness to breathing and smile?

-------------

I hope now to write what is needed: people want to be (I want to be?) organized, given the opportunity, to do fun things.

So, I may be silent except to develop and announce the forest walks and lay sangha meetings--?

Yesterday I was so grateful to have Mike call me up and invite me to come spread mulch for a landscape installation he was doing. Good physical work and company--it got me out of the house and to a long walk back in places I hadn't been. I respect him so much as a good person doing good things--similar to Steven in quality of presence--I'd like to be able to offer others opportunities such as he gave me to get out, to do new things, to see new people and places, with the added element of practicing more mindfulness.

---------

Below are some things I typed in from _Infinite Jest_. Below that, songs, gathas, contemplations from Deer Park Monastery.

Know that I hope to announce more group forest walks at
groups.google.com/group/dhws

a breath and a smile,

--------------------------------------

From _Infinite Jest_ by David Foster Wallace (could be a harmful text?):

Sometimes words that seem to express really invoke.

That sharing means talking,

That it takes effort to pay attention to any one stimulus for more than a few seconds.

, can want to get high but instead just sit there, wanting but not, if that makes sense, and if you can gut it out and not hit the Substance during the craving the craving will eventually pass, it will go away -- at least for a while.

That most Substance-addicted people are also addicted to thinking,

In short that 99% of the head's thinking activity consists of trying to scare the everliving shit out of itself. That it is possible to make rather tasty poached eggs in a microwave oven.

there's a deep and tremendously compelling dignity about the old man's demeanor w/r/t the PUSSY on his arm,

The punter never made her feel quite so taken care of, never made her feel about to be entered by something that didn't know she was there and yet was all about making her feel good anyway, coming in. Entertainment is blind.

------------------------------------------------
From Deer Park Monastery songs, gathas, contemplations:

*Verse while serving our food*

In this food I see clearly the presence of the entire universe supporting my existence.

*Verse before eating*

Beings all over the Earth are struggling to live. May we practice so that all may have enough to eat.

*Verse after the meal*

My bowl (plate) is empty. My appetite is fulfilled. My heart is filled with gratitude for parents, teachers, friends, and all beings.

---
Two personal notes:
Indecision as a habit of mind.

What is best for my practice (work)?
-----

The Five Contemplations

1 This food is the gift of the earth, the sky, numerous living beings and much hard work.
2 May we eat with mindfulness and gratitude so as to be worthy to receive it.
3 May we recognize and transform our unwholesome mental formations, especially our greed, and learn to eat with moderation.
4 May we keep our compassion alive by eating in such a way that we reduce the suffering of living beings, preserve our planet, and reverse the process of global warming.
5 We accept this food so that we may nurture our sisterhood and brotherhood, strengthen our sangha, and nourish our ideal of serving all beings.

-----------------------
SONGS OF PRACTICE:

1. The Island Within
Breathing in, I go back to the island within myself.
There are beautiful trees within the island. There are clear streams of water. There are birds, sunshine, and fresh air.
Breathing out,
I feel safe. I enjoy going back to my island.

3. Happiness
Happiness is here and now
I have dropped my worries
Nowhere to go, Nothing to do
No longer in a hurry
Happiness is here and now
I have dropped my worries
Somewhere to go, something to do
But I don't need to hurry.

4. Arrived, At Home
Arrived, arrived
At home, I am at home
Dwelling in the here
And dwelling in the now
Solid as a mountain
Free as a white cloud
The door to no birth and no death is open
Free and unshakeable

6. I have arrived, I am home
In the here, and in the now
I am solid, I am free
I am solid, I am free
In the ultimate I dwell

8. Walking in Beauty
Now I walk in beauty,
beauty is before me,
beauty is behind me,
above me and below me.
(and within me)

9. Breathing in, Breathing out
Breathing in, breathing out
Breathing in, breathing out
I am blooming as a flower
I am fresh as the dew
I am solid as a mountain
I am firm as the earth
I am free
Breathing in, breathing out
Breathing in, breathing out
I am water reflecting
what is real, what is true.
And I feel there is space
Deep inside of me
I am free, I am free, I am free.

10. Song of Gratitude
Thank you for letting me fly,
high, high above the sky.
Thank you for letting me smile, smile, smile throughout day and night.
Thank you for letting me cry the tears from deep down inside.
Thank you for being my light, a guardian angel by my side.
Thank you for opening my eyes and making the world so bright.

12. Take Your Time
Take your time, breathing in, breathing out.
Look deeply as you say, "This is me."
You and your breath, you and the all.
As hummingbird and flower have always been together.
Take gentle steps. Feel the ground, curl your toes.
Is there a line between you and this path?
You and your step, you and the Earth,
as butterfly and blossom, have never been apart.

Photos up: gardens, canyons, walking, sleeping, and eating the greens in San Diego

2009-02-12T10:12:00.000-08:00

Edible landscapes meeting, Univ. Ave, Adams Ave, Art trees, Fallen Fruit Jam, outdoor sleepers, Balboa Park, City College Farm, El Cajon Blvd, Seaport Village, Old Town, Canyons, Graveyard,

San Diego 2009-02-01 to 08

DIY WWOOF in SD County (will work for place to camp and shared meals)

2009-01-30T11:22:00.001-08:00

DIY (do it yourself) WWOOF (willing workers on organic farms [and other good places])

Can you use a worker or help on some project? Could I camp or sleep on
the floor near the work location? Could I eat two meals a day with you or with others?

Generally, wwoofers work 3-6 hrs/day 5 days/week and receive meals and a place to stay, but variations to this are common.

My main goals are:

to work with others and

to visit and learn from different people and places in the county.

If there's a place to cook or to light my small wood camp stove, I'm happy to supply and feed myself.

I prefer to not to work with things that produce toxic fumes (solvents, gas engines).

I'm happy to do kitchen, garden, computer and many other kinds of work.

I'm a member of wwoofusa.org and wwoofmexico.org.

Here's my cs profile: couchsurfing.com/people/colinleath (if you know me and can leave me a good reference there that might help too).

Here's my blog: fo-rest.blogspot.com
When I'm free: fo-rest.blogspot.com/2009/01/calendar.html

and my resume:
purl.org/j9k/cv/

Peace & a smile,
Colin

calendar

2009-01-30T09:02:00.000-08:00

I'm often walking to and from (and during) these events. If you'd like to join me on the walk or at the event, please let me know.

Width: 425x610; View: Agenda.
More events (San Diego area) at SDTJDPH.

You can also subscribe by email or by feedreader (you'll be notified when there's a new event added instead of having to check this page):

Deer Park Monastery photos up!

2009-01-27T07:57:00.000-08:00

Deer Park Monastery 2008-01-08 to 2008-01-23

hike SB->Quail Springs->Ojai 1/25->2/5

2009-01-18T18:26:00.000-08:00

[posted to **pg email lists (permaculture guild lists @ arashi.com)]

Friends, I'm looking for one or two others to join Mike T (www.ammonitedesign.net) and I on a walk from Santa Barbara to Quail Springs Permaculture Farm & Learning Oasis (quailsprings.org) through Los Padres National Forest.

(A visit to Pine Mountain Buddhist Temple [www.pinemtnbuddhisttemple.org] may also be possible.)

We will leave SB on 1/25 or 26, arrive @ QS 1/30 or 31 and possibly leave for Ojai on 2/1 or 2/2, arriving in Ojai around 2/5.

If you'd like to walk part or all of the way, please let me know. We'll take it easy: 8-12 miles/ day, but trail conditions could be poor. We can share equipment. And we can meet at Tri-County Produce to provision ourselves and walk from there.

Perhaps this can become an annual learning and sharing pilgrimage.

Also, if we could spend a night in your yard in Ojai or SB at the end/beginning of the trip, please let me know.

Recommended reading: _Beyond Backpacking_ by Ray Jardine / rayjardine.com

peace & a smile,

Sangha as body

2009-01-12T21:53:00.000-08:00

I've been getting a bit lost(?) in the present moment and in the routine here, so have not been finishing writing. Here is the work in progress.

First: a note of record. Monday's schedule, a lazy day (nothing but meals scheduled):
0730 breakfast
1230 lunch
1800 dinner
1930 happiness meeting

it is now 1728--this is [nearly] the last part of the post to be written.

---

Hello! Two long days? It is Sunday. I did not write yesterday, but I have some notes. I'm not sure what to write.

I've been learning to eat mindfully. 20 minutes in silence, often much longer for me, chewing 20-30 times, often. Eyes closed often. Three regular meals, scheduled. One large bowl, one small bowl (soup)--and that's all. I could go back for more if I ate faster, or get more the first time (but that would take even longer to eat mindfully, and I'm pretty sure I don't need to eat even as much as I have been taking). But I make sure to get some fat, and have yet to feel very hungry. Below is a contemplation I've been reciting too. I've been hoping I can carry over this mindful eating when I'm not here.

The Five Contemplations (?)

1- This food is the gift of the earth, the sky, numerous living beings and much hard work.

2- May we eat with mindfulness and gratitude so as to be worthy to receive it.

3- May we recognize and transform our unwholesome mental formations, especially our greed, and learn to eat with moderation.

4- May we keep our compassion alive by eating in such a way that we reduce the suffering of living beings, preserve our planet, and reverse the process of global warming.

5- We accept this food so that we may nurture our sisterhood and brotherhood, strengthen our sangha, and nourish our ideal of serving all beings.

---
this Sunday Schedule:
0500 wake
0545 sit
0700 eat
0900 walking meditation
1000 dharma talk
1115 dharma discussion
1230 lunch
1400 touching the earth (a guided bowing--five child's poses--to our blood ancestors; to our spiritual teachers; to all that has made the land that we live in [a focus on the people: Seneca(?), Jefferson, Dorothy Day]; to all who have made us suffer. And what was the fifth? Our own awakened nature?)
1800 Dinner

And I jumped from about 1530-1600.
---

Yesterday in my notes I noted I've been making an effort to be more participatory and communitarian. Invite people to do things, accept invitations---participate and emulate rather than doing some default action that stands out. There is a consideration in me about how my actions make others feel (which hasn't always been there).

As one example, at the end of a class last night in the large meditation hall, instead of just sitting there waiting for everyone to leave, I got up, made eye contact, communicated, wished well, and then went back to sitting after everyone was gone.

---

At that class, on The Five Foundations of Mindfulness (Satipathana Sutta?), I learned a technique of "dwelling observing the feelings/sensations (while) in the feelings."

So, I might note that I have a feeling. Note that it is pleasant, unpleasant, or neither. Note whether it originates in the mind or in the body (very interesting! When I feel an unpleasant sensation when I mess up jump-roping, that seems to originate in the mind! And many others!). Note whether the feeling is internal, external, or internal/external.

The last categorization is not too clear. But when we were informed about someone important to the sangha who had just died in a car crash, I was aware of an external-internal dynamic origin of a feeling.

---
there was a bell, so I'm off-- 1734 --may write more about earlier happenings, lessons, later. Peace.
---

There has also been (with the more sitting I've been doing) a review of earlier private awarenesses developed in sitting--g-d consciousness (my label, a sort of wide and still holding of awareness [stiller wider ever-]); watching for attention movement, if movement, then attempt to take the new focus as mantra. Not sure what else--

--- another bell: 1806, this, dinner. ---

------return to Monday:

I did want to note there was a video dharma talk by TNH/Thay on Saturday for the retreatees while monks, nuns met.

Assignment: write a letter of love to your mother (and to others), appreciating her good qualities, and good qualities you got from her.

Also: how to reconcile: if you feel you've done harm to another, address this with the one harmed, as soon as possible. If you feel hurt by another, do the same. A script: "my dear, I suffer. / I do not understand. / Have I done something? / help me understand. Or: Darling, I am suffering. I am here for you. I'm doing my best. / Please help.

I missed the concise version, the "Buddha in your wallet." The concise version may be on the web in his teachings on love/ true love.

---

I also helped return the cell phone of Carmen Velasquez's mom. Some Vietnamese visitors had found it at a rest area and were trying to help return it, but their English was not good. They handed it to me after I got to trying to help. . .
Sort of a tricky thing that was (arranging to meet, being concerned the phone would ring during the dharma talk, etc.). +$10

---

Thay also addressed flower-watering during that dharma talk. This means, partly, sharing with someone the qualities in them you appreciate and wish to strengthen. And not encouraging or harming them based on any less positive qualities.

I got a chance to do this with one of the brothers here when I told him how much I liked to hear his voice (he had spoken in the meditation hall), how calming I found his voice.

A retreatant here watered my quality of moving mindfully, appreciating that I moved with care.

And there are other opportunities. It is nice to look for them.

---
Hard times about being here:

There is the initial hardness about integration into a community--what does a person think of me; am I standing out too much; what is my role here.

But the basic practice here and that video dharma talk, and other messages--all these do much to help.

If you're fretting about an interaction, you're not appreciating the present moment. If another is troubled by an odd thing you did or an odd thing about you, s/he is not appreciating the present moment. And every one is encouraged to care for one another, to care for the sangha, to care for their own appreciation of the present.

And the practices of silence, silent greetings, of smiling and returning smiles, these all help.

---[On Saturday evening:]

I partly layed down in front of an outdoor buddha statue on the hillside--on the smooth concrete footing at the base of this buddha's pedestal.

We had done walking meditation up to that plateau as the sun set. I had done much sitting that day. Most of the walkers went on to the edge of the small plateau, remaining there a while. On the way back they came by me, their softly-, silently-pacing torsos and shaved or haired heads, glasses, noses, lips, chins, throats silhouetted, black, against the glow, orange / golden, of a faded sunset in a clear twilit dark sky. Calm steps on a ground of dirt and decomposed granite.

I watched, did not get up to follow. Relishing relaxing (my shoulders, neck, back) there, looking up at the Buddha glowing brighter gradually against the gloaming in soft, white low-power, solar-charged light. Later, found my own way down alone, ready to participate again--the bell for dinner.

---

Last night, awake in the middle, another hardness. Is this peace too much for me? Is there really pleasure in returning awareness to the sensation of breathing, to the senations of the present?

And watching. Is there pleasure in what I might be doing were I not here--eating, reading? Is there pleasure when my mind leaves the present and considers, say, my probable eventual court visit? [Or] Do I enjoy being alive by attaching the attention to the present moment?

It seems I do, it seems I am. And if I return to the past to write? That may be another thing I can enjoy. And now, having written this, my attention may leave the present to consider what is written here. . . then I'll invite my attention to return to the present once more.

---

Shall I write those letters of love?

---

If you do not hear from me as often now, my attention is in the present.

Dharma hike! / walking sangha

2009-01-12T18:20:00.000-08:00

[If you'd like to be notified when anything like this is going on, check out the Dharma Hikers / Walking Sangha Google Group.]

[I found the following notice on the bulletin board in the Tea Room of Solidity Hamlet. I have emailed Lesley and received a reply. See "walking sangha" (in the blog's links?) for why this was a special discovery for me ("Dharma Hike" is similar to what I proposed there).]

Summer 2009 (July) or Aug?

contact: lesleyhawk a@t yahoo . com / Lesley McClintock (510)649-13xx

Let's hike in the high sierras!

Dear brothers and sisters,

I would like to invite you to hike with me on the John Muir Trail for a few days up to 2-3 weeks. I plan to hike Florence Lake to Mt. Whitney, but can do another part.

We can practice mindful walking, breathing, meditating in the forest, and more. It will be a pilgrimage of sorts to deepen our own practice and explore our relationships with all living beings. No cost except your food and transport.

We can hike maybe 5-15 miles a day, with layover days. (This is flexible though.) High altitude--so good physical shape is important--but you have time to train! We can do side trails as well. Lots of lakes and rivers for swimming.

[Hand-written on a 25cm^2 paper, illustrated with three snow-capped mountains, from which a river flows--into a lake, under a bridge, into another lake. Two hikers, two sitters, a bird, pines: three here, one there, two here. "Let's hike. . ." follows the contour of the ridgeline. "We can hike. . ." is in the foreground lake. "Dharma Hike", above it all in a heavier font with scroll-like underlining.]

Colin's forest blog

Mobile, AL-- I wish I could think (do I?) but. . .

Amazon.com: Customer Reviews: Alex Stewart: Portrait of a Pioneer

Scooting / scoot-hiking / pack scooting (with a Razor A5) & good attitude, or at least not a bad one

Avoiding Thinking?

thy will, not mine, be done

Photos up!

w/out dream

Photos Up! Food diary, food stamps at farmers' markets, ethnobotany, restoration ecology, Santa Barbara streetcars

? [silent]

Photos Up! Kitesailors, fire, food, open space, Isla Vista

moving in; relation

Photos up!

$;M'sday;introspection;>breath;adventure

Rut; *Shared* vision; Without entertainment, what-- ?

stopping, breathing, smiling, acting

Photos up; Los Padres Walkers community listing created

No plan, no destination;in forest -4/21?

@Gaviota 3/25;QS 3/26-31;4/1 walk SP>QS?

Growing the Sangha; Jest; Songs

Photos up: gardens, canyons, walking, sleeping, and eating the greens in San Diego

DIY WWOOF in SD County (will work for place to camp and shared meals)

calendar

Deer Park Monastery photos up!

hike SB->Quail Springs->Ojai 1/25->2/5

Sangha as body

Dharma hike! / walking sangha

Rut; Shared vision; Without entertainment, what-- ?