Dad Matters

Finding Nemo, Part 1

Paul Asay — Tue, 21 May 2013 11:00:00 GMT

Editor’s Note: Last week, Dad Matter’s writers Sam Hoover and Paul Asay started a conversation on the most memorable Dad’s in movies - why they are so memorable and what we can learn from their mistakes today. They began their discussion on Disney and Pixar’s Finding Nemo. Their discussion spilled over into their email over the next several days. Here’s what happened:

Hoover: When thinking about the themes of this movie, the biggest one that pops out to me is conquering fear-based parenting. Of course, if I lost my wife and all my babies except one, I'd be pretty cautious in protecting everything I had too … especially my kids.

Asay: And really, Nemo is all Marlin does have. I mean, I didn’t get a great look at their seawater abode, but I didn’t see a flat-screen TV or fancy sports car or anything. (On a side note, I wonder what clown fish would drive? A Corvette Sting Ray, perchance?)

Hoover: That’s a good one. If you think of any others, let minnow.

Asay: Even for those of us dad who have more than enough “stuff,” I think it’s sometimes hard not to parent out of fear. We all want what’s best for our kids. We all want them to be safe. I think most of us take our roles as the family’s protectors pretty seriously. I think sometimes, we kinda think of ourselves as Liam Neeson-type of guy—protecting our children from all sorts of horrible danger. And unfortunately, we sometimes bound into the realm of being overprotective. Trust me: being the dad of a teen daughter who’s brought her share of boyfriends over to the house for dinner, I know.

Hoover: There's something amiss in that statement: we parent out of fear because we want the best for our kids. If you were to say that out loud, it would simple sound ludicrous.

But if we want to be completely honest, that statement is really a lie. The truth is I parent out of fear because I want what's best for me. I want a significantly cheaper parenting experience not having to rush my kids to the hospital. I'd rather stay inside and let the kids watch TV than lather them up with sunscreen and go outside and get all hot and sweaty.

I've made thousands of decisions already in my young dad-ship to reinforce this idea: Too often, I parent out of convenience. And it isn't until our "fish" get snatched by "divers" that we come to this realization.

Asay: Yeah, I think there’s some truth to that, particularly when you have young kids (like you do). Anything you let your kids do becomes an imposition on you as a dad. They want to go to the park? You have to go with them. They want to restore an engine? You gotta buy the parts and teach your tots how best to use a blowtorch. Any “freedom” they experience is an imposition on you and your time.

But after several years of supervising your kids constantly, you get used to that level of supervision. And so when the time comes to let them wander outside your watchful eye, there is fear—genuine fear.

And when you look at Marlin’s situation—where, as you say, really everything except Nemo was taken away from him in the worst possible way—you can understand where that fear comes from. I gotta be honest here: While some parents lament how much time their children spend with cell phones (and for good reason) and don’t want to give them phones until they (the parents) feel they (the kids) are mature enough to handle them responsibly, I gave my own children emergency cell phones in their early teens. For me, it served as an electronic tether. It allowed me as a dad to feel just a little bit closer to my kids even when they weren’t around.

But the hard truth is that you can’t protect your kids all the time. It’s just not possible. And if you get too over-protective, that causes problems, too. We see Nemo bridle under Marlin’s constant babying. Even worse, I think, is Marlin’s concern over Nemo’s under-developed fin. He tells Nemo over and over that he’s different—weaker, in a way—than some of the more able-finned fish. He’s got to be even more careful and cautious. Marlin uses the fin as an excuse to keep Nemo close. And I kinda wonder where Nemo would’ve wound up had Pixar’s grand adventure not taken place. Would he have started to buy into the idea that he was weak? Not as good as the other fish? That’s a bad lesson to teach any kids, I think, be they clownfish or humans. Don’t you think?

Hoover: Buh, that's almost the most cardinal of sins. Playing your children's weaknesses to reinforce your parental fears. Makes me sick to my stomach because most parents would confess to doing this with the best intentions.

And what's worse, when Nemo decides to push through his disability, he's scolded (not his fault) and kidnapped (also not his fault). So how do you think parents should address their kids limitations? You certainly don't want to instill in them an "I can do anything" attitude when that's not realistic BUT you don't want to snuff out their flame of imagination and possibility before they light any real purposeful fires.

Asay: Yeah, that’s sort of the gazillion dollar question, isn’t it? My own parents told me that I could do anything I set my mind to … but years of being picked last in kickball told me otherwise. Try as I might, I was never going to catch that blasted rubber ball before it bounced off my head. Slowly, I grew to accept the fact that I’d never make it into the professional kickball league.

But I think I learned that lesson more effectively because I (through my own failures) learned it myself. If my parents had told me, “Stay away from kickball, son. You have the dexterity of a turnip,” it might’ve made me feel like a loser in other areas of my life. It might’ve convinced me that it’s far better to stay on the sidelines than try anything new. And as a result, I might’ve missed out on lots of stuff that I enjoy and (believe it or not) am pretty good at.

It’s such a cliché to say we learn from our mistakes, but it’s so true. God teaches us through our experiences. He shows us our character through our own weaknesses. And if we’re given the latitude to try to do stuff, we might find hidden reservoirs of strength and ability we never knew we had.

Nemo, in his adventure, found that he was stronger than either he or his dad thought he was. And yet, I think he really grew to accept and appreciate his dad more by the end of the movie, don’t you think? If Marlin learned to not parent through fear, what do you think Nemo learned?

Paul Asay (@AsayPaul) is a contributor for Dad Matters and a Senior Associate Editor for Plugged In. You can check in at his own blog or buy his book God on the Streets of Gotham.

Follow us on Twitter @DadMattersBlog

Hey Dad, You Wanna Have a Catch?

Roy Baldwin — Mon, 20 May 2013 23:00:00 GMT

Did you ever wonder, and I mean really wonder, about the relationship between a father and son? Ask any son about their dad and be ready for a "tour de force" of emotion, regardless if it is positive or negative. Why is this relationship so special?

In the movie, “Field of Dreams,” we encounter the journey of “Ray” (Kevin Costner). You see, Ray loved the game of baseball just like his father, who was once a minor-league catcher. A “voice” instructs him to turn his cornfield into a baseball field. ''If you build it, he will come.” Ray explains to his wife, ''I'm scared to death I'm turning into my father. I never forgave him for growing old.''

In what is probably one of the most amazing scenes captured in film (known to make most men cry), we see the story of redemption (forgiveness and grace) played out between a father and son with the simple phrase, “Hey dad, you wanna have a catch?” Those simple words speak volumes - moments once shared, memories treasured, hurts forgiven between father and son. As sons, we know personally the impact of those words.

(Please visit the site to view this video)

There are two sports stories that really capture the essence of the pains and joys of a father and son relationship.

Dock Ellis

In 1970 Dock Ellis pitched a no-hitter for the Pittsburgh Pirates. According to Dock he pitched the no-hitter under the influence of LSD. A very charismatic player known for his outspoken views on civil rights, Ellis struggled with addictions. After his career in baseball he became outspoken about his addiction to alcohol and amphetamines while playing, and in the end chose to help other addicts in their recovery.

Outside the Lines (OTL) of ESPN covered Dock’s story a few years ago. In the article they share about Dock’s relationship with his dad. When Ellis was young, his father would attend all his baseball games, and regardless of their outcome, they shared them together. Unfortunately Dock’s dad suffered from emphysema which slowly took his life right before Ellis signed with the Pittsburgh Pirates. According to the story, Dock struggled with the thought of losing his dad (he didn't even visit him in the hospital). At the age of 46 he finally went to his dads’ grave site. Dock’s first wife, Hjordis, said, "All he ever wanted was to see his dad come around that [locker room] corner after a game, just one time."

Team Hoyt

Rick and Dick Hoyt have run over 1,000 marathons and triathlons since 1977. Team Hoyt is an inspirational story of a father's commitment to his son. Rick, who was diagnosed as a spastic quadriplegic with cerebral palsy when he was born, would be confined to a wheelchair all of his life. When Rick was 15, he wanted to participate in a 5 mile benefit run for someone who had been paralyzed. Dick, who was not a runner, agreed and they finished next to last in the race. Rick communicated in his own way that day, “"Dad, when I'm running, it feels like I'm not handicapped." Dick says in interviews that Rick is his motivator, “To me, he is the one out there competing. I am just loaning him my arms and my legs so that he can compete. There is just something that gets into me when I am out there competing with Rick that I cannot explain it, and we are able to go faster. It is an unbelievable feeling.”

So, what’s your father and son story? Over the next few weeks I am going to be writing some blog posts capturing some conversations with my dad. You see, my dad and I are very close. He was even my best man in my wedding.

We have lots of stories to share - some highs and lows as father and son. My hope is that they will inspire you to “have a catch” with your dad or son; no mitt required.

Roy Baldwin (@baldwin_roy) is a contributor for Dad Matters and the Director of Parenting & Youth at Focus on the Family.

Follow us on Twitter @DadMattersBlog

Bonding with Daughters

Leon Wirth — Fri, 17 May 2013 16:30:00 GMT

I think I’ve mentioned before that I love baseball.

It’s hard to grow up in St. Louis and not be a baseball fan. We learned the game by just breathing in that part of the country, where you’re not taught simply to be a fan, but to be a student of the game.

It’s been fun to pass that love of the game to my girls. Some of my best memories of my girls at various ages are of us putting on our Cardinals gear and watching some baseball together … especially when they ask questions about the game. Then I can show them things (thank you, DVR!) or even take them to the backyard or the park and help them understand what the strategy and fun of baseball is.

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How Does a Dad Live Like He Was Dying?

Rich Bennett — Thu, 16 May 2013 16:30:00 GMT

Tim McGraw suggests that, if we found out we were dying, we should go skydiving, Rocky Mountain climbing and ride 2.7 seconds on a bull named Fu Manchu (in which case, having never dove from the sky or been thrown for a bull, I’m only 1 for 3).

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His Will

Sam Hoover — Wed, 15 May 2013 15:00:00 GMT

My pastor counsels many people each week. And without exception, every week he encounters a young person asking him the same question:

How do I find God’s will in my life?

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Kids Keep You Running

Paul Asay — Tue, 14 May 2013 15:05:32 GMT

In a few days—assuming no familial crisis or horrific shoe malfunction—my daughter and I will be lining up to take part in the Colfax Marathon up in Denver. The race takes place on Sunday, which means that by this time next week, I'll still probably be whining and soaking my legs in ice water.

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Woulda, Coulda, Shoulda

Roy Baldwin — Mon, 13 May 2013 16:00:00 GMT

In one of my recent posts, “The Power of a Question” I suggested that a question can allow ownership of an issue and it creates teachable moments and lifelong learning.

A few years ago we did an ethnography study on dads. We followed about a dozen dads from different walks of life and asked them to journal their days. One of the questions we asked dads at the end of each day, “What do you wish you had done differently?” We were amazed at the responses.

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Top 10 Things My Mom Says

Sam Hoover — Fri, 10 May 2013 15:00:00 GMT

"Love you!" Not a conversation goes by where my mom doesn't tell me she loves me and is proud of me. I think it's vitally important for parents with adults kids to continue to tell their children they love them. And as a dad myself, I understand better her love for me.

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Happy Single Parents Day

Roy Baldwin — Thu, 09 May 2013 15:30:00 GMT

Today's blog post is from one of our authors, Sue Birdseye. She is the author of When Happily Ever After Shatters: Seeing God in the Midst of Divorce & Single Parenting.

Some holidays are just the pits as a single parent – definitely Mother’s and Father’s Day. Mother’s Day has been a bit problematic since my divorce. The leader of the party is gone and my children and I are left to celebrate without him.

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Mom Matters

Leon Wirth — Wed, 08 May 2013 11:00:00 GMT

Our bloggers know Mom matters and is worth celebrating; why do you celebrate Mom?

(Please visit the site to view this video)

How are you celebrating Mom this Mother's Day?

For more ideas, download our Mom Matters kit.

My Mom: Through the Highs and the Barf…

Roy Baldwin — Tue, 07 May 2013 11:00:00 GMT

My mom has a weak stomach. Of course, living in a house of men - whose manners at times were probably anything but sophisticated - surely did not help with her “issue”.

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Dad Fears and Insecurities

Patrick Dunn — Mon, 06 May 2013 14:00:00 GMT

I made a list of my insecurities—dad ones. For two weeks I wrote them down as they popped into my head. Here’s a sample:

I don’t take my kids outside enough
The other guys do all of this spiritual stuff. What do I do?
Those kids already ride bicycles. My son doesn’t even ride a tricycle yet!
Do we give him the same breakfast every day? He’s going to stay three feet tall!

I know, you’re probably thinking, “He’s afraid?! Seriously? He’s a man!”

Exactly! I eat meat. I throw balls around. I use power tools and have roles like “provider” and “protector.” I don’t have time for fears … Well, until I’m alone. Or really, until I read Dad Matters.

Every day I read encouraging, great advice from other dads about leading their family or becoming more like Jesus. Great stuff, until I look in the mirror.

What I See - And What I See In Me

I read things like:

Today my son and I read the entire New Testament, then I presented him with a plaque of God’s Promises, I hand-etched in marble.

(Meanwhile, I wrestled with my three year old and we read from a Bible where every illustration has Jesus holding a bunny.)

We went on a seven mile hike, then sat and discussed what being a man means. We flew home on gas-powered hang gliders and landed in the fort we built together.

(Let’s see. Today I chased my son around with a stuffed fish making funny gurgling noises. I think a NASCAR race was on.)

I don’t camp or fish or hunt. What am I going to teach my sons?
Are we too lenient? Too strict?
Does the baby even look like me?
Am I spending enough time with my kids?
I swear his teeth are going to fall out. I have to do better at teaching him to brush.

Fellow blogger Rich Bennett recently had a great post about how his family encourages each other during dinner. I think, “Wow, that’s cool.” Then I feel inadequate.

Am I Doing Okay?

Okay, my wife and I have a three year old and a nine month old. My teaching and “Daddy times” are going to be different. I read books, talk to other dads, discuss parenting with my wife (good idea) and pray for guidance and wisdom. But still, the list …

Is he getting too old for stuffed animals?
I need to be doing a bigger variety of activities with my kids
The baby spends too much time alone. I don’t play with him enough.
I am intentional enough about weaving God into every day?
We don’t wash their hands enough.
Is Brendan drinking enough?
Basically, are we handling _____________________ (insert just about anything) right?

The Race is On

So, I guess I’m a failure. A lowly Worm-Dad.

Well, my list got me thinking and maybe you’re thinking too. What should I, or other dads, do when they feel like they’re not measuring up?

Sure, I can learn from other dads, including other Dad Matters bloggers. I can keep praying, growing, being intentional about being a dad and always be striving to be who God would have me to be.
But perhaps the best advice I can give myself is what I know I’ll tell my son the first time he is burdened about not being the fastest, smartest, strongest (or any other “est”) kid.

I’ll tell him he is made unique. He has his own talents, gifts and abilities that make him shine. They may look different than other kids, but we all have a perfect purpose. I’ll tell him to not worry about how fast everyone else is running—but to run his own race, and run it with excellence.

“…let us also lay aside every weight, and sin which clings so closely, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us,” Hebrews 12:1

And then, maybe, I’ll chase him with a stuffed fish while making a funny gurgling sound—because that’s part of who I am. Time to throw away the list.

Patrick Dunn is a contributor for Dad Matters and the Senior Producer of TV and Webcasts at Focus on the Family.

Follow us on Twitter @DadMattersBlog

Why Would A Good Guy Go to Hell?

Sam Hoover — Fri, 03 May 2013 13:00:00 GMT

Today's guest post comes from Mark Vander Lay. I first met Mark in 2006 and was automatically drawn to his huge smile, sense of humor and ability to communicate complex ideas simply (which is important to someone like me from the Ozarks). Mark's passion for family is evident in his work at Parenting Boys Raising Men, a blog he started to be a resource and encouragement for parents. He is the author of two books: Parenting Peace and Stuff Dads Say: The Most Important Messages From Dad. He is currently the school counselor at a therapeutic day school and, most importantly, is married and a father of three energetic boys and one baby girl. Follow him on twitter @MarkVanderLey.

My sons ask some really tough questions. They are so inquisitive, and curious about how the world works and why people do what they do. Many times the questions they ask let me know that there is much more going on in their head than I realize.

The oldest has been working on a school assignment to memorize the Apostles Creed. At breakfast one morning my wife was quizzing him on the phrase, “He descended into hell; and on third day he rose again from the dead.” After a few moments of thoughtful silence he dropped the bomb on us.

“Dad, Why would a good guy go to Hell?”

I could see the connections being made in his brain. He was thinking, “Mom and dad have been telling me all along that this Jesus guy is good, they say He is perfect, He is God, He loves me, and that I can trust Him.” “I also know that hell is a bad place. I know that there is fire; pain, hurt, and that I do not want to go there.”

So his little brain reasoned quite logically, why would this good guy go to such a horrible place?

Isn’t this the question on which the whole world hangs? Why did Jesus die on the cross descend into hell and come back to life?

I attempted in my feeble way to share surprise and wonder with my son. Isn’t it amazing that Jesus went to hell on our behalf? Imagine how horrible it would be if you and I had to go to hell for all the bad stuff we do? Or, what if the only way for us to be right with God was to live a perfect life? How good does a person have to be to be ‘ok’ in God’s eyes?

This question from my son revealed to me anew the wonder of salvation. I am not good, no one is good apart from the sacrifice of Christ and it is only through his life, death, and resurrection that I have hope for the future. This good guy went to hell so that I don’t have to.

Thank you Lord, for teaching me through the thoughts of a young boy. Thank you for working in my child’s heart and planting the wondrous seed of faith. Grow in him this seed of faith allowing it to blossom through trust in the powerful work of Jesus Christ.

Sam Hoover (@sam_hoover) is a contributor for Dad Matters and the Assistant Manager for Social Media for Focus on the Family.

Follow us on Twitter @DadMattersBlog

Dads Have a Need to be Needed

Paul Asay — Thu, 02 May 2013 15:30:00 GMT

I haven't changed a diaper in 18 years. And I kind of miss it.

OK, so maybe I don't miss the actual changing of diapers, exactly. In the lingo of my day job at Plugged In, diapers are loaded with “Other Negative Content.” I've known parents to throw parties when their children have graduated from Pampers and into the brave, new world of flushable toilets. When we put away our changing table, I turned to my wife and said, "Thank goodness we'll never have need of that again!"

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Father as Coach

Jim Daly — Wed, 01 May 2013 11:00:00 GMT

Robert Guerrero will enter the ring tomorrow night to fight Floyd Mayweather Jr. as a heavy underdog. The thirty-year-old American boxer of Mexican descent has enjoyed a tremendously successful career, but pundits believe this will be his biggest challenge yet.

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