I asked her what this experience taught her professionally and personally? Was she going to continue the cycle, hoping it would improve? Or, would she take her talent elsewhere? She didn’t have many answers, because she was struggling between the reality of her job versus the concept of it.

“The Paper versus Reality” conundrum is where we can find many life challenges and lessons. Whether it’s a job, relationship, marriage, business deal or whatever else that fit in the people, place, or thing categories in our lives…sometimes, it just sounds better on paper:

- A friend volunteered as a safety leader on her job’s safety team. Her responsibility included keeping a clipboard with employees’ names for a headcount in an event of an emergency. Recently, when the DC area had an earthquake, her immediate reaction was to run from the building as fast as she could. After catching her breath, she remembered she was on the safety team and realized she had no clip, no board, no head, and no count. She also concluded that being a safety leader might not be the right match for her.
– Another friend told me about a time he took a one-time security job at a concert. At one point, the crowd started yelling, “gun! gun!” and not only did he start running with the crowd, but he also eventually outran them. He said becoming a hero, with a flashlight as his only weapon, did not sound like the best way to secure his future.

Sometimes, reality can show us a version of our intentions that is less appealing but very revealing. My friends said that there are times when you find out that some things aren’t for you, so you move on or, in their cases, run on. However, we can’t always run from our professional or personal situations, yet we shouldn’t stay in a situation either if it is hindering us, or our employers, from success.

I explained this to the young grad by telling her that, at times, your first job is like the leadoff hitter in a batting order. The leadoff hitter’s goal is to get on base so the next batter(s) can advance him to score. He can get on base a few ways: by getting a hit, drawing a walk, or getting hit by a pitch. Getting a hit is ideal, drawing a walk is less exciting, and being hit by a pitch is unexpected and painful, but in the end, it gets him on base.

Acquiring work experience is like getting on base — sometimes you will get a hit, and sometimes you feel like a pitch hit you. Because, unlike the leadoff hitter, you may not have a coworker(s) whose goal is to advance you to your next level. Some work environments will nurture your talents, and some will drain it, leaving you feeling bitter. Sometimes, you have to push through to get the experience you need for your next level or until you find a better opportunity. It’s a gamble, which is part of the highs and lows in the workplace journey.

As Kenny Rogers says in “The Gambler,” the key to surviving is “knowing when to hold them, when to fold them, when to walk away and when to run.” Only you can decide when to stick it out or exit gracefully by learning the difference between failing and failure. One way you can tell the difference is while you are sticking it out, whether or not the situation is creating a favorable or unfavorable version of yourself. Before, during, or after your workday, are you complaining? Are you bitter? Are you at peace? Or, are you just feeling upbeat versus beat down?

At some point, whether it is personal or professional, we deal with the gap between what sounded good on paper versus reality…and then decide how to handle it the best way we can.

I don’t know if I am a lesser person for knowing my two friends or a more enlightened one. Part of me believes they were shameless, but another part understands the power of knowing your limits when a reality check bounces.

Written by: Gwendolyn M. Ward, Principal at FOOW?
Email: swimming@foowater.com ∞ Website: http://www.foowater.com
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I asked, “Are you Painfully Employed (PE)? Do you wake up every weekday with 101 reasons to call in… immediately followed by three motivating reasons to go in anyway?” She said, “YES, that’s it!” For responsible people– food, clothing, and shelter– defeat their 101 reasons most of the time. These basic motivating needs have a way of bringing reality to our wake-up call and purpose to our pain.

I understood her pain because I had been there, done that, and wrote about it. For me, figuring out the root cause of my discontentment increased my self-awareness and personal growth. It was a frustrating journey filled with many crossroads and valuable lessons about me and the ‘whys’ behind my decision making.

We can’t always quit when we experience discontentment, especially if we haven’t taken a step back to gain some perspective. Michael Beckwith says that people grow in two ways: through pain or through insight. Many choose the path of pain by continually bumping their head up against life until they start asking themselves some empowering questions. Other people grow through insight. They’re inspired. They become inspired by something that motivates them to grow.

Growth is difficult. Some of my best mistakes challenged me to grow and some of my worst ones kept me stuck, because it was easy to see the effect and contribute it to the wrong cause. By pushing through my need to deflect from myself and getting to the point of assessing myself, I learned the difference between running towards something and running away from it.

Honestly asking yourself how you arrived at PE can help you create an action plan, which is better than simply reacting. I dealt with my painfully employed status by reducing the complaining, increasing my ownership, and taking risks outside of my comfort zone. This provided me with the insight to understand what I did well, the habits that held me back, and the skills I needed to develop.

There is a popular quote that says there are two important days in your life — the day you were born and the day you find out why. I have met people who knew their “why” in their childhood while others figured it out much later through life experiences.

When I read that “some people clock in and clock out all their life without getting to their life,” I immediately thought I know people like that and I got it. Pursuing your “why” is not free or unchallenged; it includes some wrong turns, exits, breakdowns, and people you will have to pick up and drop off along the way. The journey is different for everyone and, for some, they are okay with not knowing, but for others, it’s a restless pursuit.

For the restless, we are challenged with not having enough reasons to stick around. So, we have to learn to embrace periods of being painfully employed for what it’s intended to be—a temporary layover for personal growth, a time to learn about yourself and your motives (why), and life lessons for handling conflict. It also can help you learn to honestly answer, Is it you? The job? Or, is it both?” Because if it is you, changing jobs won’t change you since you take yourself wherever you go. You must make a concerted effort to learn about yourself (the good and bad) without casting blame elsewhere as an excuse to not grow and move on.

To me, you haven’t lived unless you have been painfully employed because you have to work through the pain. It separates the girls from the women and the boys from men. Embrace it and stop complaining, take the necessary steps to do better, and exit your current situation gracefully. Let your actions — instead of your complaints – say, “If you don’t think I am leaving, count the days I’m gone.”

Written by: Gwendolyn M. Ward, Principal at FOOW?

Email: swimming@foowater.com ∞ Website: http://www.foowater.com

Subscribe to Blog: http://www.foowater.com/subscription.php

She was stunned by his revelation and even more shocked when the majority of her friends agreed with him. Her friends told her that she had a great house, luxury cars, and three successful adult children. Why rock the boat? Why change at her age? Why throw away 30 years? Why start over?

She questioned why change in her 50’s was labeled as starting over. Why couldn’t it just be change? A divorce didn’t negate her successes prior to it; she was still a loving and supportive parent, caring daughter, and a successful executive. She loved her husband but not at the cost of her self-respect; he wasn’t her life but a part of it.

To her, the divorce was a change in course while moving forward. It was not an ending point where she needed to start over. In other words, she hired movers to move her husband out because she was moving on.  

I think about her insight when I am conversing with people over 50 who claim ageism when they are forced through a workplace change. Whether that change involves termination (downsizing or performance) or an increase /decrease in responsibilities, I listen carefully and ask questions cautiously. In the end, I want the truth to the question, “Are you out of work because of you or the job market?”

In some cases, there is a legitimate claim for ageism. But, when it is your first defense for any involuntary workplace change or a slow response to your job hunt, it may be a consequence of what you need versus what you want:

• A project manager in his mid 50’s told me he was downsized after 18 years. Although he had a successful track record in his career, he wasn’t having success in the job market. Most companies in his industry required a certified project manager. Ironically, for years he ignored his previous company’s advice to become certified. After six months of unsuccessful job hunting, he decided to study for the certification. Three weeks after being certified, he was hired.
• I worked at a company with a 60-year old executive assistant who only knew Microsoft Word. She had been with the company for years and supported a C-level executive. When she needed to create a PowerPoint or Excel file, she would send it to another department/assistant to create. She said she didn’t like PowerPoint or Excel and wasn’t going to learn it. When her boss left, his replacement insisted that she learn the two applications. She resigned shortly afterward, complaining loudly about his unfair demands.

Regardless of age, relevance is a key factor. Nowadays, keeping your skill set current and applicable in your field is simply about surviving. Companies are looking for contributors, not complacency or complainers. I reiterated this point to a 54-year old man who claimed he couldn’t change jobs because of his grey hair. When I asked him if he had enhanced his skill set over the last few years, he said he didn’t have time for all that.

At its lowest common denominator, being employed is about problem solving. You are hired to solve a problem whether it is answering the telephone or programming a computer. Your ability to consistently, effectively, and efficiently solve that problem can often determine your long-term career or industry success. So, if the problem you were hired to solve evolves, it will probably behoove you to evolve with it.

I have also met people in their 50’s and 60’s who claim that they are too old to be miserable. Their perspective is “don’t age before your time, work the work.” And, they work the job market to their advantage by leveraging their experience and value regardless of age. To them, experience comes with lessons and, even if some were hard worn, that means you are prepared for your next challenge. They believe in giving change a chance and shedding light on any shady situation because you can make better decisions at any age.

The difference between a job holder and a career builder is realizing that your skill set shouldn’t be tied to one job/company, but it must be transferable to a broader market. This way, whether you leave voluntarily or involuntarily, you have left a job, not your career. The divorcee said it best: she loved her husband, but he was part of her life, not her life.

It’s a competitive world, and refusing to progress or change can be the root cause of why you aren’t succeeding versus the number of your last birthday. Being comfortable in your old routine may be more appealing than being comfortable with change, but an old dog can learn new tricks, especially if he needs them to survive.

Written by: Gwendolyn M. Ward, Principal at FOOW?

Email: swimming@foowater.com ∞ Website: http://www.foowater.com

Subscribe to Blog: http://www.foowater.com/subscription.php

Most of them were told to go to college, major in something they like, and then get the job they would love. Some of them said they fell for it hook, line, and sinker without being prepared for the seeds of discontent. Others said life is what you make it so adjust through the unexpected and learn from it:

• One young grad told me that her physician father refused to pay for her education unless she majored in pre-med. She wanted to choose a business major but he said if she majored in pre-med, she would graduate debt free with a new car. Otherwise, she could pay her own way. She graduated on his terms while taking elective business courses but, after he signed over the car, she pursued a career in business.
• A friend introduced me to a college grad that had graduated eight years before and hadn’t worked full-time or in her degreed field. Her parents financially supported her while she worked for their business part-time.  The grad told me her ideal job would be in a museum but she needed experience. I asked her why she hadn’t volunteered at the numerous museums in DC (a short drive away), which may have netted her a job opportunity by now. She said she never thought about it, but she would ask a friend who worked in DC to pick up some museum applications. I then asked her why was she asking someone else to do the legwork versus doing it herself, researching it online, or making some calls. Her response: “Oh, I probably will.”
• A very successful business woman discussed teaching her child about perspective when she was applying for college. Her daughter wanted to attend an expensive private college without considering the cost. She told her daughter what she was willing to spend on her college education, which allowed her to choose from several very good colleges. However, if she was set on the private college, she could receive the same amount but the difference would be made up through student loans in her name.  Her daughter balked at graduating with debt so she chose a college within their budget and happily attended.

When you love someone and want the best for them — whether it’s a familial relationship or a friendship — it is sometimes hard to draw the line between caring for them and carrying them.

Parenting is a challenge in itself, but savvy parents know that you can’t parent the child the same way at every age. The pre-med grad taught her father the difference between trying to influence her decisions versus controlling her. The unmotivated grad’s parents hadn’t drawn the line between teaching her to fish versus providing the fish. The businesswoman’s daughter learned that sometimes life is about the bigger picture and that getting what you want requires sacrifices.

Claiming the person you want to be is a lot harder than just wishing for it to happen. You can’t have all the advantages without the responsibilities or sacrifices. Frank A. Clark said, “If you can find a path with no obstacles, it probably doesn’t lead anywhere.”

In life, there are many bridges in the form of people, jobs, and unforeseen circumstances that will carry you to some good, bad, and insightful places. Claiming who you want to be is the longest bridge to cross because defining yourself, while trying to live up to others’ expectations, requires self examination, hard choices, and perseverance.

In the end, you have to live your own life, because no one else can do it for you. “Do not look where you fell but where you slipped” is an insightful African proverb to use throughout your life experiences. Whether it is acceptance, rejection, or something in-between, life’s transitions will come with some angst. Learning to face and resolve it is simply part of the journey.

Written by: Gwendolyn M. Ward, Principal at FOOW?

Website: http://www.foowater.com ♦ Email: swimming@foowater.com

After this encounter, I realized that some people and some things you outgrow. And when you recognize it, you need to let it go— no explanation needed. That old furniture just doesn’t fit in your new house and bringing it along will just create clutter.

Clutter is tricky and subjective. We are all a collection of diverse needs and what appears to be insignificant to one may be significant and motivation to another. What some see as disorder, others may see as creative chaos. Is this a distinction without a difference? Or an attempt to fill a void for what isn’t there? Personally, I prefer order because I believe that clutter (emotional or physical) can prevent you from seeing what is really in your life or maybe what is missing:

• A family friend was dealing with an aggressive form of cancer. After going through a divorce she was downsizing to a smaller home. I suggested she release the burden and focus on her health by selling the furniture that she couldn’t take with her versus storing it. She recoiled like I struck her and said “No!” I later realized that what I saw as expensive clutter ($300-$400K worth of home furnishing) that she could sell to pad her savings during her lengthy treatment, she saw as her identity.
• A casual acquaintance who was in her late-30s told me she remembered every hurtful thing someone did to her, dating back to grade school. She started detailing an incident that happened in 2^nd grade. I asked her why she was holding on to what a 2^nd grader said and she responded “because you never know when it’s your turn for payback.”
• When I was 19, I decided to buy a sports car because to me it represented excitement and awesome cool points. I excitedly purchased it on Monday, but by Wednesday I was over it and looking at another car which I couldn’t afford.

Experience taught me that external things (i.e., physical clutter) can’t drive your life because they are replaceable. What’s tough is you can’t change what you don’t recognize and lessons don’t have an age requirement.

What was harder to learn was how to replace or get rid of my “people” clutter. I had a bad habit of holding on emotionally to situations and people that weren’t in my best interest.  Like most, I have been disappointed and hurt, but holding on to it was counterproductive. As I grew older, having peace-of-mind was important to me—so I learned how to release the details (people/situations) and remember the lesson.

Over time you will continue to outgrow people, things and situations. Recognizing this is one thing, but doing something about it is another.

Keeping people and things in your life that are of no use or that you have outgrown may be a distraction that keeps you from focusing on what should really matter in your life. My childhood friend, for example, isn’t a bad person, but she’s stuck—and I don’t want to be stuck with her. Life’s excess in many forms can cover a multitude of things and one of them is the unhealthy existence of growing old without actually growing up.

Learning the difference between your distractions and the cause (why you are holding on) may keep you from continuing to circle your life looking to land versus dealing with what’s on the ground or in front of you.

Written by: Gwendolyn M. Ward, Principal at FOOW?

Website: http://www.foowater.com ♦ Email: swimming@foowater.com

For the inspired, great successes will ensue. For the pseudo-inspired, great intentions will ensue for about 30 days instead of 365. Nevertheless, they TRIED and that counts for something, right?

Sometimes our resolution passion masks our tendency to procrastinate. When you couldn’t button your pants in May, hated your job in June, realized you’re missing important family time in July, smoked too much in August, drank too much in September, or recognized you were in an unfulfilling relationship in October…why are you waiting until January 1^st to change?

Do we unconsciously put self-improvement on pause throughout the year, waiting for the right time or right inspiration to press play? Is this the reason we don’t fix problems when they’re identified? Are we hoping for inspiration on New Year’s Day, our birthday, or even through a crisis ─ not realizing that the occasion doesn’t matter if we aren’t ready? Change doesn’t start when you identify the problem. It starts when you decide you’re ready to change. Change is hard, but deferred change can be overwhelming, even when you have motivation:

A workaholic friend was diagnosed with cancer; it was caught early and he had a great prognosis. He told me his initial reaction to hearing “cancer” was fear of not being here to watch his young children grow up. I said, aren’t you doing that now since you work about 100 hours a week? He responded “point-taken.” For years, his workaholic habits were an issue with his family and friends, but he didn’t change. After he was successfully treated and returned to work, he was home by dinner for the first 18 months. But as time went on, he began to backslide to his old ways. Even so, when his family complains, he now listens and immediately corrects himself. He continues to struggle from time to time, but he makes a concerted effort every day to do better. Like most of us, he’s a work in progress.

Change is a struggle. There is a song that says “Falling in love can be easy, but staying in love is too tricky.” The same goes for trying to change…identifying the need to change can be easy, but changing is very tricky.

In our current “microwave” culture where we are expected to fast track everything from success to the grieving process coupled with being electronically leashed to our jobs, we are challenged more. These two factors may constrain our downtime to the point that quick results are more relatable.  But sometimes we have to resist that urge, keep it simple, and literally take it one hour, one day and one challenge at a time until we just do better. Old habits cling to us like steam on a mirror and even when we try to wipe them away, the process is not always easy. So what do we do? Realize it’s a process that takes commitment, time, patience, and resilience when we backslide…and not a microwave fix.

So if you plan to be a new you in the New Year, just remember if you are a long ways from where you need to be, it may take you a while to gain lasting results. So while you are on your way, focus on doing better every day until you get there.

Written by: Gwendolyn M. Ward, Principal at FOOW?

Website: http://www.foowater.com ♦ Email: swimming@foowater.com

He looked startled and said, “What?” I explained that he had two options. He could get a restraining order against these people who were stalking him from job to job, or he could look at himself—the common denominator. He became quiet, looked angry, and hesitantly said, “You may be right.” After this, we discussed creating a stable job history, dealing with conflict, and the art of transitioning without the blame-game.

Sometimes you have to look at your people (me, myself and I) first and with honesty to get to the root cause of your state of discontent or transition. This is hard for most of us because blaming others is much easier than examining the clues that our successes and failures tend to leave. Like any other investigation, ours should establish the facts from the clues, and evaluate them to surmise an objective conclusion. Depending on your objectivity, you will end up with the ugly truth or a pretty lie. The ugly truth will provide insight behind your discontentment or constant state of transition, and a pretty lie will constantly keep you in a place where you are “Swinking”- not quite swimming, not quite sinking. “Swinking” is where you will find:

• Short-term job hoppers—blaming “the people” for pushing them out
• Frequently downsized people—blaming unstable companies versus their unstable performances
• Fired people—blaming it on the company or boss who obviously had it in for them

When ‘your people’ are out of sync and living the ‘pretty lie’ it creates a defiant victim with a narrative that only speaks to whom and what is working against them. I often ask people who are terminated, “what did you learn?” and very few learned anything about themselves. They talk about what they learned about the bad company, manager, coworkers, or industry. But when we start examining their clues, we often find that months before their termination:

• Their workload was significantly reduced OR
• Another person was hired with similar responsibilities OR
• They were reassigned to a junior department/responsibilities

In other words, they started becoming insignificant and they didn’t do anything about it. They didn’t try to fix the problem, look for another job, or discern what was happening…they just kept showing up while disappearing.

Most of us see what we want to see, when we want to see it, because the truth typically leads us to places we don’t want to go.  Unfortunately, it’s not just a people thing, but a company thing too.

Companies have their own strategies for avoiding the ugly truth. One I’ve commonly seen is to “reassign” ineffective senior executives instead of terminating them. They would announce that “Bob” is leaving his current position to work on a special project.  You may see Bob in the hallways for a few weeks faking excitement about his special project and then, after a few months, you notice that Bob is gone.

Even though most of us know the “special project” tale, we play along while betting on Bob’s disappearance…will it be 30 or 60 days after the announcement? It’s one of those sad ‘why didn’t he see it coming, because we did!’ events from the history of workplace cautionary tales.

The bottom-line: you can’t afford to be clueless in this dynamic world where companies are looking for contributors. Once you feel like you aren’t contributing, it would behoove you to confer with ‘your people’ first and your manager second to determine if you are missing something or if you are becoming a missing person. Sometimes lessons knock softly and sometimes they break down the door. But in either case, you should ask yourself, what are your results honestly telling you?

Written by: Gwendolyn M. Ward, Principal at FOOW?

Website: http://www.foowater.com ♦ Email: swimming@foowater.com

I quickly realized that I had inherited a slightly hostile team driven by two factors: I was the youngest person in the department, and one senior team member was upset because she didn’t get the job. The team members were on her side and they weren’t shy about letting me know it. They had pulled up the ladder to their clubhouse, and I was left on the ground looking for a way in. I didn’t know if I wanted to cry foul or just CRY.

Ignoring my need to cry, I decided to forge ahead by 1) meeting with everyone individually to understand their responsibilities and 2) searching for mentorship from other company managers. One manager told me “Just play the game, get through the day, go home and have a glass of whiskey.” When I said I didn’t drink, she said, “Well, you need to start.”

Instead of drinking, I focused on improving the department’s infrastructure. I naively thought that if I implemented better processes and systems with the team’s input, I would naturally engage the team. But I underestimated the power of resentment, especially when I kept ignoring the senior member’s constant complaining, resistance, and sabotage attempts. I thought she would eventually get over not being promoted, but she didn’t want to get over it—she wanted to get rid of me.

She constantly complained to my boss and he kept redirecting her back to me; he would then tell me to fire her, so she would stop coming to him. After months of this, I realized there was a difference between being in charge and being a leader. Being in charge was my boss’ M.O.; he knew the senior member was a problem but decided to ignore her, deny her the promotion without explanation, and then expected me to fire her almost immediately. A leader would deal with her head-on and immediately.

I consulted a seasoned manager about this and she told me that I needed to be consistent and balanced with my successes. The same focus I used to improve the department’s processes and systems, I needed to apply to improving my teambuilding skills.  Succinctly put, she said, “cut the head off the snake and stop indulging her antics.” She was right; I was reflecting my boss’s style by focusing on my strengths (processes and systems) and ignoring the bitter elephant in the room.

I met with the team member and put it all on the table—from me ignoring her hoping she would get past my arrival versus her promotion, to her constant complaints, lack of effort, and sabotage attempts. I questioned her on her endgame. I explained that if I left the position, she would only get another supervisor because she hasn’t done anything that warranted a promotion. She tried the passive-aggressive “I was misunderstanding” tactic, but I drew the line for the head cut. I explained that going forward, I was leading the team and she could add to our success or subtract. But be clear that if she chose to subtract, she would be terminated in the near future. She took a week’s vacation and returned “acting” like a contributor. It wasn’t a natural transition for her, but she faked it until she made it.

A couple years later, I was promoted to another department and my boss was promoted to executive management, while still dodging people. Through this experience I learned:

• To establish a good balance between what is good for the company and what is good for employees.
• The presence of a toxic employee is a direct reflection of my leadership and teambuilding skills. My job is to correct the issue in a timely manner or terminate the employee.
• A title doesn’t necessarily mean you are leader. Just because you are dressed up like a cowboy (in charge) doesn’t mean you can ride a horse (lead).

Leading requires you to inspire and connect with people whether you want to or not. This is a hard job that looks better on paper and constantly requires you to check to see if you are moving sideways or forward.

Every time I ask people if they like their managers, very few have compliments. The common theme is that they have a boss (someone in charge) and not a leader. Despite all the bestselling books, programs and training about this topic, poor leadership continues to be the root cause of high turnover rates and low employee engagement.

There are more than 250,000 apps to make the iPhone better, while companies and organizations continue to struggle to make their leadership better. Why can’t there be an app for that?

Written by: Gwendolyn M. Ward, Principal at FOOW?  ♦ Subscribe to Blog: http://www.foowater.com/subscription.php

Email: swimming@foowater.com  Website: http://www.foowater.com

Upcoming FOOW? Saturday   Career Workshops in Tyson Corner, VA –November 13^th or December 4^th.

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No matter how optimistic you are, the longer you are unemployed the greater chance you will run into frustrations, insecurities, disappointments and self-doubt. Since this is part of the journey, the challenge is deciding how much of it to keep on your drive. If you aren’t seeing progress, you may need to change lanes, especially when the familiar lanes aren’t taking you where you need to go.

To me a career, like life, isn’t a straight path. It will include detours, exits and hard choices, and sometimes you have to back up to move forward. Suddenly losing your job is a change that can make you feel incomplete, but so does working in a job that isn’t fulfilling. So what do you do in either case? Wait for something to change or change you?

Victor Frankl said, “When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves.” One coworker told me when it came to feeding his family, if his degree wasn’t working, he’d leave pride by the road-side, switch lanes and do what needed to be done.  Whether he had to drive trucks, mow lawns or pick up trash…or all three at the same time, he would do it. His ego was pragmatic; unlike others who would starve waiting for a job offer in their degreed field.

This is why having a good support system is critical during these times; it should include patience, understanding and most importantly, honesty. You need people to tell you what you need to know rather than what you want to hear, to tell you to be productive whether it is volunteering (in person or virtually), reducing the items on your never-had-time-to-do list, or working somewhere part-time or full-time if your savings warrants it. Most importantly, when needed, they should tell you to get a job, any job—to do something besides wait.

While I was waiting I increased my volunteering efforts because it was productive and allowed me to help others more than I could working a 50- to 60-hour workweek. I could afford to do this for a certain time while waiting for a job I wanted, but once this time was up my needs would take precedence over my wants. I met some of the nicest people who tried to help me. Some asked for my résumé because they knew somebody who knew somebody, which was surprising because my intent was to help them. It was heartwarming to say the least.

After six months of searching and being contacted about positions I was over- and under-qualified for; not being contacted about positions I was qualified for; being rejected over the phone, through email, mail and silence; considering interesting jobs in uninteresting cities as well as uninteresting jobs in interesting cities; working through anxiety and some fear…I was employed again with minor changes in responsibilities and salary. I was fortunate. The coworker who said he would do whatever he had to for his family was fortunate too; his next job was a promotion from his previous position after being out for about three months.  Some of the bitter people accepted new jobs and were still complaining about their old job in their new jobs…and some of them were still searching and complaining. The low-balling, shameless company was still shamelessly looking for a sale while not advancing its initiative.

My ride through the unemployment waiting game included battles with egos, insecurities and anxieties…and I embraced it. I weathered the storm by riding some of my rainy day savings but I survived without being angry, upset or bitter. Being unemployed revealed sides of me that were strong, weak and neurotic, but I learned that you can’t always pick your challenges. Sometimes they pick you.

It was up to me to grow up and either overcome my challenges or grow old complaining about them. Challenges and coping with change can add layers to your life, which is clearly expressed in the quote, “It is not the strongest of the species that survive, nor the most intelligent, but the one most responsive to change.” Simply said, you can go down swinging or just go down.

Written by: Gwendolyn M. Ward, Principal at FOOW?

Email: swimming@foowater.com

Website: http://www.foowater.com

Subscribe to Blog: http://www.foowater.com/subscription.php

The Unemployed You: Battling Through the Waiting Game (Part One)

Upcoming FOOW? Saturday  Career Workshops in Tyson Corner, VA — November 13^th or December 4^th.

This happened years ago while I was working at a tech company; a product launch, delayed several times over, prompted the downsizing. At the time, tech companies were going down faster than leaded balloons, which meant the unemployment rate was increasing along with the competition. I had never been suddenly unemployed and I wasn’t scared or upset—I was curious.

While I was embracing this change, I was declining invitations to blame games and pity parties from former and current employees, friends and some family. One college friend insisted that I was in denial because I wasn’t angry or scared. She said “you are acting too calm during the worst time in your life.” I told her I was healthy and no one had died, so how could this be the worst time in my life?

Being angry couldn’t change anything, plus I am a strong believer in graceful exits. They treated me well the years I worked there. I liked the job and had learned a lot; the industry was dynamic and my coworkers were smart and innovative. My biggest contention was reconciling my ego with my unemployed self. My ego told me I was smart and talented and would be working in a few weeks; my unemployed self said, ‘Girl, I don’t hear the phone ringing daily.’ My ego told me to relax and take a vacation and my unemployed self said, ‘If you don’t have a job, that’s your vacation.’ My ego told me this was the time for better opportunities; my unemployed self said, ‘Your opportunities are knocked down!’

This was a chain of “crazy,” but ironically it gave me perspective by not allowing me to go too far on either side. I didn’t want to slip too deep into the negativity of being unemployed making it easy to accept invitations to blame games and pity parties, feel dejected when the phone wasn’t ringing, or get discouraged when the unemployment rate increased. I also didn’t want my ego to set impossible standards where I couldn’t be flexible and open to possibilities, i.e., accepting a change in industry, position, salary or location.

My ego and my unemployed self continued this power struggle, but I just dealt with it:

-          I interviewed with a COO at a growing tech company that needed someone to create a new support department. This was a great match for me, but the salary was surprisingly low for the responsibilities and the company size. A few days after the interview, a company representative contacted me stating that they liked me but couldn’t be flexible on their salary. I said I could be flexible to a degree, but explained that it was a major undertaking and detailed the necessary tasks. They didn’t change their initial offer, but continued to call me every two weeks to see if I had changed my mind. I felt like they were waiting for me to go on sale.

My ego said, ‘that’s a lot of work, a significant salary cut, an ugly commute coupled with a low-balling, shameless company.’ My unemployed self said, ‘Girl, you aint got a salary to cut!’

They both had a point, but I went with my ego because I had savings and a well thought out, best-case through worst-case, three-step unemployment plan. This would have been a desperate decision, which didn’t factor in until step three. I was still on step one.

Since they kept calling me, I offered to consult until they found someone, but they declined on the premise that they wanted a company employee. I offered them two suggestions:

1) Conduct a salary survey to see if their expectations were realistic, and

2) Consider the bigger picture. If they continued to pursue people at clearance price, it may be counterproductive to their end goal because a seasoned person may take it as a temporary stopgap until a better offer comes along.

Going with my ego kept me in the waiting game, which was a risk I was willing to take. During the unemployment journey, the question is simply “Now What?” But the answer can be complex. The unemployment ride is different for everyone, depending on resources, responsibilities, reactions and your reality check—four big R’s. As the waiting period extends, whether you are feeding your ego or feeding your insecurities, all of these R’s will be challenged by the constant R called rejection.

The Unemployed You:  Battling Through the Waiting Game (Part Two) concludes on 10/5^th.

“Part Two Excerpt”– No matter how optimistic you are, the longer you are unemployed the greater chance you will run into frustrations, insecurities, disappointments and self-doubt. Since this is part of the journey, the challenge is deciding how much of it to keep on your drive.

Written by: Gwendolyn M. Ward, Principal at FOOW? Email: swimming@foowater.com

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Upcoming FOOW? Saturday  Career Workshops in Tyson Corner, VA — November 13^th or December 4^th.