Forging New Pathways

Hitting a Rough Patch - Part 2 by Stacey Tessis

Elizabeth Alford — Tue, 15 May 2012 14:54:00 GMT

The following is the second part of an article written by RDI Certified Consultant, Stacy Tessis, B.A., A.T.C. Read Part 1 here. Stacey is a Parenting Coach and has been an RDI® Program Certified Consultant since 2008. Stacey has a private practice in Toronto, Canada, and works with clients as far away as Greece. You can reach Stacey at stessis@gmail.com

We were making changes at home, but the problems still existed at school. My son felt like he was spinning his wheels and that no one there cared. AC/DC’s Highway to Hell seemed an apropos accompaniment as his sense of despair increased and the driving conditions worsened

RDI Consultant,
Stacey Tessi

It’s exhausting driving through a storm...even for an optimist. At times I felt so discouraged and started to doubt my instincts. Should I turn into the skid or out? I wish that I had paid better attention in driver’s ed. all those years ago.

I decided to seek the help of a colleague who I trusted to provide an objective perspective. She validated the approach I had been taking and also provided some really good insights and suggestions to help get us back on track. Her support refueled my tank and kept me going through this difficult time.

Now, I am not one to run away from my problems, but it’s important to recognize when the safest thing for everyone is to pull onto the shoulder at the side of the road. And that’s what I did. I pulled my son out of school for a week, stopped all homework and therapy for a few weeks, and just let him decompress. The break allowed him to become more resilient and to cope better with the adversity that he was facing, but he was still very unhappy at school and the administration was not very responsive.

After sticking it out for so long and trying to advocate for change, we realized that it was time to get off this road. And that’s what we did. We found a new school placement that provides a caring, nurturing and challenging environment, and we moved our son. Our plan was to make the transition at the end of the school year, but when the opportunity presented itself sooner, we decided to take it.

And are we every glad that we did!

It’s been such a long time since I’ve seen my son this relaxed and happy. And it’s reassuring that we made the right choice when family members remark on this as well. This rough patch had to have been the longest one that I can remember enduring. There were times when I was questioning if I would every hear Top 40 tunes again, and alas, we’re bopping to them once more. Of course, there’s still the occasional heavy-metal song mixed in; my driving partner is a tween after all.

Keeping true to the pattern, I’m happy to say that we are now in an “up” period. Now that things have calmed down, it’s easier to reflect on this entire ordeal. I’m not going to sugar coat things and say that, in retrospect, it wasn’t that bad. It was horrible!

But a lot of good has come of it. Most importantly, I realized that in my efforts to help my son reach his potential and be happy, I was unknowingly contributing to his stress and the feeling that he had very little control over his life. I am reminded that he is still a young boy, and he needs the opportunity to be just that. In addition, I am more acutely aware of the type of school environment that he needs to thrive and, thus far, his new school seems to be a good fit.

There were moments when I blamed myself for not doing things differently. However, I reconciled that I made what I thought were the best decisions at the time and beating myself up over it wasn’t productive. Now, I had new insight and the power to act upon it to make things better for him.

Another silver lining is that my son learned what it truly means to be loved unconditionally and, as a family, we can get through even the toughest problems.

As luck would have it, the forecast is calling for snow over the next few days. You can bet that without my winter tires, I’ll be proceeding with caution. But I’m not going to worry because, as Dolly Parton says, if you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain...or, in this case, snow.

Hitting a Rough Patch by Stacey Tessis

Elizabeth Alford — Wed, 09 May 2012 12:31:00 GMT

The following is the first of two articles written by RDI Certified Consultant, Stacy Tessis, B.A., A.T.C. Stacey is a Parenting Coach and has been an RDI® Program Certified Consultant since 2008. Stacey has a private practice in Toronto, Canada, and works with clients as far away as Greece. You can reach Stacey at stessis@gmail.com

- - - -

It's hard to believe that only a few weeks ago, I was taking full advantage of the beautiful summer-like weather. I had every window in my house open and was encouraging my son to accompany me and the dog on extra-long walks...to the ice-cream shop. It wasn't a hard sell.

Now that the cooler weather has returned, I am feeling some regret. No, it's not because I ate record amounts of ice cream and have to squeeze myself back into my winter clothes! The truth is that I'm concerned that I had my winter tires taken off, and we are surely due for at least one more snowfall, which is typical for this time of year here in Canada.

I don’t tend to worry or get stressed out about driving in the snow like some people do. My car handles really well, and I have confidence in its winter tires, ABS breaks and four-wheel drive system. But on the rare occasion that I hit a patch of black ice, I realize that I had been lulled into a false sense of security. I can hear the ABS breaks engage, but now my car is slowly skidding towards the middle of the intersection, no longer in my control. Thankfully, this has only happened on a side street, and there were no other cars there at the time.

These instances remind me to drive carefully and to give myself lots of time to break as I approach an intersection, but I don’t live in fear of the next patch of ice.

The same goes for how I live my life. Maybe that’s why I’m always caught a little bit off guard when I hit a rough patch, or more specifically, when my son hits a rough patch. We seem to be motoring along to the cheeriest of Top 40 pop songs and then the road gets kind of bumpy and we’re suddenly inundated with AC/DC. Not my favorite genre of music, but I can handle it in small doses.

As the parent of a tween, I’ve had years of practice riding the ups and downs. In the early days when my son went through a “down” period, I panicked and worried that things would never return to “normal.” But over time, I began to understand his triggers (e.g. growing, seasonal changes, big disruptions in his schedule like two weeks of winter break, anticipating stressful events, etc.). And I experimented with and found reliable RDI® strategies that helped to minimize his anxiety and treat the prolonged physiological symptoms that indicated he was going through a rough patch.

Soon enough, I began to see that there was a reliable pattern: downs are always followed by ups. As a result, I stopped getting stressed out and could tolerate when the heavy metal music played because I knew that things would improve. Now that my son is older (and I’m feeling more competent about knowing how to parent him thanks to RDI®), the “downs” are thankfully less frequent and don’t seem to last as long.

So it was to my horror that I found myself a few months ago trapped in the middle of a busy intersection doing donuts and picking up speed.

How could this have happened when I had been taking all of the regular precautions?

There were a couple of issues at school that were causing my son stress, and I was on top of them. I was implementing the tried and true strategies and advocating for him with the administration. His behavior at times was a bit uncharacteristic, but things were manageable. Over the winter break, things calmed down again, but when he returned to school, so did the stressors.

His uncharacteristic behavior was escalating, and I realized very quickly that I needed to take a new approach. I had underestimated the impact that these stressors were having on his self-esteem and overall outlook. Also, I began to understand that they were amplifying the lack of control over his life that he was already feeling.

This situation caused me to take a hard look at the various factors that might be contributing to his feelings. I examined everything from extra-curricular activities, therapies and appointments to the various demands and limits placed on him to (gulp!) my own parenting, and how I handled my stress. These are the very things that I help parents to evaluate and address when they begin their RDI® program and at various points along their guiding journey.

When I decided to examine things through my son’s eyes rather than the eyes of an adult, I discovered a lot of room for improvement. In theory, he didn’t appear to be over-programmed; however, in reality, he was missing out on the time he needed just to be a kid.

As a family, we looked at simplifying our schedule and removing whatever was non-essential (religious school fell on the chopping block - for now), while keeping the activities that our son enjoys doing like hockey and baseball. We realized that we had been too strict about his access to screen time and decided to give him some additional privileges, but made sure that clear expectations were in place. Especially when going through a rough patch, we knew that it was essential to continue to be firm and consistent in our limit setting.

I wish that I could tell you that with all of these discoveries and positive changes, it was all blue skies and Sunday driving from here on in. But it wasn’t. Things got much worse...

Stacey Tessis, B.A., A.T.C., is a Parenting Coach and has been an RDI® Program Certified Consultant since 2008. She empowers and guides parents to effectively lead their child’s remediation and bring more joy to their lives. Stacey has a private practice in Toronto, Canada, and works with clients as far away as Greece. She provides customized programs to families, school consultations, and interactive workshops. The source of Stacey’s greatest joy is the time spent with her tween son discovering the universe through his inquisitive eyes. He inspires her to explore her fun side and to radiate possibility into the world. You can reach Stacey at stessis@gmail.com

FAQs About the Family Consultation Program

Elizabeth Alford — Wed, 02 May 2012 11:22:00 GMT

The cornerstone program of RDIconnect is the Family Consultation Program (FCP). Developed by Dr Steven Gutstein, the FCP has helped many families find hope and help when struggling with a child with development needs. The following are a set of FAQs to give an overview of the program.

What is the Family Consultation Program?
The RDI Family Consultation Program was designed to help families restore the natural "Guiding Relationship" when it has been disrupted or has failed to develop. Parents work with a trained RDI Family Consultant to harness the immense potential residing within each family. The goal is to to provide parents with tools and the knowledge of how best to use these tools function as a 'Guide' and facilitate their child’s mental growth. The program has provided a second chance for thousands of families worldwide to resume the critical functions that are the universal basis of family life and their children's success in the 21st century world. Our program mission can be condensed into two statements:

1 - Teaching parents to guide their children in a manner that builds Students' competent enactment of their role as mentally active dynamic learning Apprentices.

2 - Teaching parents to guide their children in a manner that builds the Students' essential motivation, responsibility and neural foundations for Dynamic Intelligence.

What is the problem? Why is this program necessary?
Most of us are fortunate to have grown up and raised our children in circumstances where things largely go as they should. We may think that parenting is difficult, but in reality we take our good fortune for granted. Our children’s development takes place in the context of a natural intuitive "Guiding Relationship."

If we were fortunate and all our stars lined up the way they were supposed to, we could remain blissfully unaware of this behind-the-scenes brain and mind building process we call the Guiding Relationship. That is, if nothing went wrong. But what if it did? What if, for example, a child was born with neural vulnerabilities that were so great, that they disrupted the natural process?

The most talented guides cannot succeed when they are unable to obtain reliable feedback from the child to determine the “edge” of their child’s competence. Without this feedback, guides can no longer safely present productive challenges. The process quickly breaks down or never develops in the first place. Some children, such as those with Autism Spectrum Disorders, are born with such significant neurological problems that even the most capable parent is unable to function as a Guide. Until our program was initiated in 2001 an initial failure to form a Guiding Relationship meant that opportunities for children's dynamic mental and neural development were irrevocably lost. There were no courses in Guiding. There were no books or manuals.

What is the value of the Guiding Relationship?

Children who learn to actively engage with the support of their parents in safe but challenging learning opportunities–problems and situations that are just beyond their level of competence–develop a strong motivation to explore and expand their world, as well as develop competence and trust in themselves and their Guides.

By the end of the first year of life, infants who have experienced success in the Guiding Relationship, respond to the experience of uncertainty, by entering a state of mind Scientists refer to as "Studying." When children are in a state of Studying, their heart rate slows, their movement decreases and their attention clarifies. Once they decide to engage with new situations, children's brains release powerful, highly pleasurable neuro-chemicals that sustain their engagement. Their brains also begin exploring new neural connections, determining which best provide the new integration needed to solve the problem.

What are the consequences if the Guiding Relationship does not develop?

Children who do not receive the benefits of a functional Guiding Relationship go through life perceiving their world as pervasively threatening. Their innate drive for curiosity and understanding is buried. Children perceive themselves as incompetent and fragile. New problems and settings are experienced as too difficult, new information too discrepant. Their strategy is to pervasively avoid and withdraw from any problems and situations they perceive as new or different, as well as those persons associated with them.

Without the Guiding Relationship, the child's brain fails to develop in a neurally integrated manner. Children's minds fail to develop critical abilities needed to understand change, to perceive the world from different perspectives, to perceive shades of “grey” rather than viewing problems as either “black or white.” The child grows up unable to speculate, wonder, or improvise. When problems do not work out as planned they have no way to adapt.

Children do not develop feelings of competence
Parent lose their sense of empowerment

How do you Measure Success?

The Family Consultation Program assumes that relationships–the consultant-parent relationship, along with the supportive partnership of Parents and the Student "Apprentice,"–are the primary vehicles for progress and eventual success.

The program is considered successful once the Guiding Relationship between parents and the vulnerable child becomes solidly established and provides a learning environment for the child's development of Dynamic Intelligence.

Success is also determined by the Students' ability to transfer their "Apprentice" role to other safe, consistent adult guides.
In the final analysis, success cannot be measured by checking mastered objectives off a list. Rather, it must be based on the ability of the family to construct and maintain an environment for the vulnerable child that provides lifelong opportunities for mental growth and that eventually leads to the child's self-management and personal ownership of development.

Who participates in the Family Consultation Program?

Program participants include parents and concerned family members, along with a vulnerable "child" of any age. Children may have been born with or acquire neurologically-based vulnerabilities that obstruct the development of the natural Guiding Relationship. Parents often enter the program possessing "normal" parenting abilities. Frequently, they successfully guide or have guided the vulnerable child's siblings. However, when deprived of active participation and accurate feedback, even the most masterful Guides cannot be successful.

What is the length of time a family will participate in the program?

The Family Consultation Program has no defined program length. The program is designed to accommodate parents and children with a wide range of obstacles and handicapping conditions. Therefore participation may range anywhere from months to years.

Using Memory to Overcome Fear - by Susan Baker

Elizabeth Alford — Tue, 24 Apr 2012 15:26:00 GMT

Fear!

We all have it, but how we respond to it is different for every person. Facing one’s fears or learning to move through fear is an important psychological behavior that builds resilience and increases self-esteem and self-efficacy. Fear is an important emotion, one that helps us to learn to escape danger but, sometimes, it can inhibit us.

For children on the autism spectrum, fear can be even more challenging. With these children, recognizing they are afraid can even be a problem because they have not been able to properly develop a relationship with self. I was able to witness an incredibly brave Asperger child experience an amazing breakthrough with fear.

While visiting relatives over the Easter holiday, our family was invited to shoot at a gun range. We don’t own a gun and, though this is not something we’d done as a family before, nor something we would have ever come up with on our own, it sounded intriguing.

My daughter, Tiffany, was not sure she liked the idea. Guns scared her. But, she went with the flow and came with us to “watch” with no intention of firing a weapon. The indoor gun range was extremely loud, another challenge for an individual on the spectrum, so the noise only added to her apprehension. Tiffany was clearly afraid, and told everyone who would listen, but she watched.

In the viewing room, behind the glass, Tiffany began to notice that everybody was having fun. She was not; her fear and anxiety had taken over. Jealousy began to set in. She sat down and reflected on her life experiences and came upon one that seemed quite relevant.

Tiffany had attended summer camp several years in a row. One of the most popular activities for the campers was riding the zip line. Each camp team got two chances to ride the zip line during the week, and most of the kids looked forward to their limited opportunity. Tiffany, however, was terrified. She didn’t even attempt to ride it.

After her return from camp the first year, Tiffany talked about “next year” and how things would be different-how she would conquer her fear of the zip line. She talked it up to everyone. This year would be different. However, fear got the best of her and, again, and she never even tried. Once again, we got to hear about how things would be different “next year.” On her third year at camp, Tiffany finally found the courage to strap herself into the harness and just “see” what would happen. That was the day she overcame that fear. Her self-esteem was unbelievable after that experience.

While Tiffany was sitting down, reflecting, at the gun range, the zip line came to mind. She had conquered her worse fear before and could do it again. At that moment, Tiffany stood up, shaking, and said, “I want to go in and I want to shoot.” Her father, lovingly, took her in and helped her get set up. Trembling with fear she was not able to hold the gun properly so she asked for his help. Hand over hand, her father and her shot the gun at the target. One-shot was all they did--but clearly, it was enough.

Tiffany walked out, still shaking, with tears welled in her eyes, but her shoulders were back and her head was held high. She was on top of the world. “I feel like I just conquered a fear again. Whenever I’m afraid of something from now on, I will just push through,” Tiffany said. “Everyone else can say they did it and now I can say that, too”, she said, beaming from ear to ear, and looking across the room for congratulatory stares.

What an amazing accomplishment I was able to witness that day. Fear did not stop Tiffany and nor should it stop any of us.

Co-Regulation: The Basis for All Social Interaction

Elizabeth Alford — Mon, 23 Apr 2012 13:16:00 GMT

The Following article, written by RDI Consultant, Linda Murphy, first appeared in the Fall 2011 issue of Autism Spectrum Quarterly

Part One of Two Parts
As a speech-language pathologist, I am indeed familiar with standard social communication goals and objectives. In the past, like others in my profession, I typically focused on specific social language skills such as the number of conversational exchanges the child exhibited;his or her ability to respond to questions or comments; and whether the child could share a conversational topic. Yet, when targeting these types of language-based skills with children who were struggling socially, I often found that I had to prompt attention, answers, and conversational turns. Although we were “talking,” something was clearly missing. I learned later-while training to become an RDI® consultant- that the missing element in my therapy was the presence of an authentic and sustained social connection.

First Things First
Among the first things I learned to consider in my training were the ideas of co-regulation and social coordination. These concepts helped me to figure out how to support the development of a true, sustained social connection with the child. Of course, this meant that I had to let go of the notion that the initial focus of therapy should be primarily on language-based targets. Interestingly, I discovered that once I changed my focus from language to co-regulation, many of the above-noted social language skills evolved naturally.

What Is Co-Regulation?
Co-regulation simply means that each person acts in response to his or her partner; that is, each responds to the other contingently, moment to moment, without controlling what the other person is doing. In lay terms, this would be described as being “in sync.” In fact, for co-regulation to be established, the interaction must be balanced, meaning that both individuals would exhibit competence in their roles and do equal amounts of the “work.” With co-regulation we cannot exactly predict what our partner will do on his or her turn, yet we know all actions will be related in some way.
Examples of Co-Regulation in Action

Examples of Co-Regulation in Action
Imagine two people taking a walk together. Typically, they match their pace to one another. This means, if one person slows down, so will the other; if one speeds up, the other will too. Or, if one person stops to tie his or her shoe, the other person will stop and wait until they are both ready to resume their walk.
Neither is controlling the other person’s pace, yet each person is making adjustments along the way in order to stay together. For our purposes, the important “social component” of the walk is not to get to where they are going, but rather to stay together, moment to moment, during the walk. It should be noted that,
even without conversation, these two people are nonetheless socially connected and coordinated in their actions.

Now, consider an eight-month-old in a high chair throwing her bottle to the ground. Her caregiver picks it up and gives it back. The baby does it again, and the caregiver follows as previously. While this familiar pattern can be viewed from many different angles, I like to think of this as baby’s first game of “catch,” and a wonderful example of early co-regulation in which the caregiver responds to the baby, and the baby cannot make her next move until her caregiver has put the bottle back on the tray. As the game continues, the baby has some freedom within the interaction with respect to: where to drop the bottle; how far to toss it; whether to drop the same or a different item; or whether to end the game. The caregiver also has choices, such as: whether to give the item back by putting it on the tray; hand it directly to the baby; pause before putting it back in order to say something; or end the game. Clearly, both partners are needed for this game of “catch” to continue, and each participant learns to adjust his or her pace to stay with the other person. Over time, it is also likely that a back and forth vocal exchange will develop to compliment what they are doing. This would be considered an early form of conversation.

In this example, a toddler and his father are building a tower together. The father hands the child a block, which he puts in the appropriate place. Once the father sees that his son is ready, he hands him another block, and so on and so forth. Together they build a structure, and during this construction process, they are together each step of the way. In fact, it is because the father slows his own pace to accommodate the child’s, that he enables his child to be authentically included, moment to moment.

Here, too, as in the previous example, each person has some freedom within his shared frame: the father chooses which block to offer, and the child decides where to place it. This is co-regulation! For our purposes, what is most important is not the final product, but rather the process of building together. As father and son continue on with this activity, they may start to talk about what they are building, or in more clinical terms, have a mini-conversation about their shared focus of attention. When this occurs, the important thing to remember is that the conversation did not start with words; it started with coordinated movements.

Impediments to Co-Regulation
As we work to facilitate social interactions with children with ASD, it is important to ensure that we establish co-regulation first. Here are a few traps (and ways to avoid them) that I have fallen into that undermine this most foundational component of social interaction:

1. When we prematurely prompt or overcompensate for a child, we create an unbalanced interaction, since we are doing more of the work. Therefore it is important to wait and allow children the time they need to assume their role independently.

2. When we become product-focused, for example, when we focus on the number of words spoken or completion of a task, we tend to increase our pace. As the interaction speeds up, the child may not be able to authentically or independently assume his or her role. It is important for us to remember to slow down.

3. When we create roles that are too difficult for the child, we likely end up overcompensating or over-prompting. Hence, it is important to create roles in which the child can perform competently.

4. When we tell children exactly what to do (or say), we take away their opportunity to uniquely add to the interaction. This then becomes a contrived, rather than an authentic social exchange. Therefore, it is important that we allow children some freedom within our shared frame.

5. When we focus too much on talking, we miss opportunities to establish coordinated movements. Therefore, it is important to look beyond words for opportunities to work together as a team.

A Final Word
In this article, I have laid the foundation for social interaction by focusing on the important components of co-regulation. These include learning to coordinate our movements with those of the child. This may mean that we have to slow down the pace of the interaction so that we can stay together moment to moment. This creates a balanced “work load,” if you will, and an ideal framework within which the child can engage in authentic, contingent, and competent interactive behavior. Finally, by valuing process over product, and allowing each person the type of freedom specified within the previously discussed vignettes, we can create activities that promote authentic social interactions at their most basic level. The important bonus of this type of focus is to create that elusive joint focus of attention from which social language and conversation can blossom.

In part two of this article, I will discuss specific ways to create co-regulatory opportunities at home and across the school day.

RDI Consultant, Linda Murphy

Linda Murphy, M.S., CCC-SLP has been a speech language pathologist for over ten years, and an RDI Consultant since 2007. She obtained her Bachelor’s Degree in Mathematics from Boston College but after working for two years with adults with ASD in supported work and residential settings, she found her true passion and pursued a Master’s Degree in Speech Language Pathology from Emerson College. Linda has a private practice in Beverly, Massachusetts that offers services including speech language therapy, communication assessments, school consultations, professional trainings, social pragmatics groups, and RDI.® Website: www.peer-projects.com. Email Linda

Tips on Creating an IEP with a Developmental Focus by Libby Majewski

Elizabeth Alford — Wed, 11 Apr 2012 13:42:00 GMT

I know, I know…its March and it is NOT the most wonderful time of year. IEP

(Independent Education Plan) season is upon us and parents everywhere are preparing, researching, talking to other parents, consulting with advocates, case managers, and a variety of professionals. All in hopes of hitting the nail on the head and creating a comprehensive plan that will take their special needs child to the next level, academically and otherwise.

As one of those parents, you may be thinking that maybe next year will be the year your child will flourish and become more independent, more social, more engaged. That is definitely possible. A lot of that will depend, of course, on what type of approach you take with your child in the home setting. It is my feeling as a developmental consultant that home is the best place to start working on addressing your child’s deficits, whatever they may be. However, with the right IEP, a lot can be accomplished as well. In my experience, shifting the focus to developmental growth in an IEP can dramatically alleviate a child’s stress level and improve their functioning both at home and school.

Chances are your child’s IEP this year will focus on academic objectives and outlining special services like speech and occupational therapy. Social skills may also be represented in the document. Of course, all these things are important. Sometimes, however, they are just too much too soon. Children who have autism spectrum disorder (ASD) or a related disorder, for example, often are not prepared to “use” the academic and even social skills they are learning in school in a meaningful way. This often leaves the child and the parents frustrated with feelings of incompetency. As a consultant with over 17 years of experience writing IEP goals and objectives, I have learned a few important things for us as parents and professionals to consider during the IEP process.

One of the most important things, I believe, when writing IEP goals or accommodations, is to meet them where they are. In a nutshell, meeting your special needs child “where they are‟ means understanding and programming for where they are not just in their academics but also in their socio-emotional development. It is upon this rock that everything else grows and takes flight. Requesting (or, requiring) your child’s school to do the same is extremely important.

As a parent, you can and should encourage all those who come into contact with your child to understand where they are in terms of not just their academic level but also in their socio-emotional development. Teachers can and should begin to provide opportunities that will not overwhelm your child or make them feel incompetent.

It is important to understand that your child’s teacher and entire team may need support and even training to learn how to put these accommodations in place. You may also need to gently push your team towards an understanding of the developmental importance of these items and how not programming for them can negatively impact your child’s progress in the classroom.

Our team of developmental consultants strongly recommends for our clients to request certain accommodations in their child’s IEP that focus on developmental milestones that are often overlooked by others.

Here is a list of possible accommodations that can be built into your child’s IEP that will help alleviate stress, increase feelings of overall competency, and improve functioning in and out of the classroom.

As a parent of a special needs child, consider requesting your child’s teacher and staff to:

“Go Non-Verbal” and increase their use of non-verbal communication. This includes increasing the use of gestures, facial expressions, and body language. A shrug indicating “I don’t know”, a point indicating that an item they are looking for is “over there”, a confused look - these are all things that can go a long way in encouraging your child to reference the most important thing in the room (and it’s not the paper and pencil), it’s the teacher!
Go for quality over quantity when it comes to language and limit their use of spoken language including lengthy explanations, instructions, questions, and prompted responses and conversations. I am well aware that this request is one that seems contradictory to what schools are trying to accomplish with children who struggle with language (and that the goal is typically to get them to talk more). However, the children we see who struggle with language (both processing and use of expressive language) often are at pre-verbal stage developmentally and can quickly become overwhelmed and confused by language. This often sparks behaviors as the child tries to make sense of their environment and reduce their confusion and anxiety by fighting for control.
Talk to share experiences – teachers can enhance the student-teacher relationship by increasing language that focuses on sharing experiences (“I’m so hungry today!”, “Oops, I made a mistake. I’ll try again,” “I think it’s going to rain today”) rather than focusing on questions or quizzing them on seeing what they have learned or are retaining. Increasing this type of communication serves as a model for children to use their language in a more meaningful and shared way that is quite natural and invaluable for children’s language and communication development.
Decrease prompt dependency by drastically decreasing the use of direct prompts so that your child begins to engage in more problem solving and cognitive growth. This means that you will have to request the teacher and staff to NOT directly tell your child what to do, when to do it, and how to do it. No more telling them, “You need a pencil. Take out your pencil box and open it.” Rather, ask them to increase their use of indirect prompts. In the pencil example, this would look like “Hmm, you need something…I bet you can find it.” And then, wait!
Implement “The 30 Second Rule” and increase “wait time” - children with special needs like ASD and related disorders often have processing issues and therefore they can quickly become reliant on those around them to problem solve and take action. However, they are often very capable of doing a lot more than we think they are capable of…if only given the time to process and figure out what they need to do next. So, asking your childs teacher and support staff to wait after they ask a question or give a direction, give an indirect prompt (“Uh oh!” while pointing to floor when something has fallen and shifting gaze back and forth from child to the floor) is a wonderful way to increase your child’s confidence and ability to learn that they can figure things out on their own. Remember, patience is a virtue.
Implement “A Picture a Day” and incorporate the use of pictures in the classroom to help your child encode positive memories about their own personal accomplishments or positive interactions with their peers. Autobiographical memory is often very weak or non-existent in children with ASD and related disorders. This means that they do not hold on to memories of positive personal memories in the same way as their neurotypical peers do. They may not remember the emotional feeling they had during a great experience working with a peer on a class project or that they shared a funny moment with a peer. And, if they do not remember the feelings of shared success or shared humor, how can we expect that they would bother to do it again? What is the point in seeking out that peer again tomorrow?

With this in mind, it is up to the adults around your child to help them encode positive moments in their memory. Taking pictures on a regular basis, printing them out, and reviewing the pictures with your child daily is something you can ask to be put into your child‟s IEP this year. Then, a simple “Memory Book” can be created (with your child‟s help to personalize it by decorating it, making title page, etc) and reviewed on a regular basis to help your child encode those memories.

If the list above seems to be a lot to ask for all at once, start with just one or two and work from there. If you are doing these things at home, communicate to the school and teachers how it is helping and give examples. In the end, you may need to enlist the help of a consultant who is experienced in working with schools to help them understand what you are hoping to accomplish for your child and their future.

Recognizing Resiliency – A Little Success Story by Lisa Palasti

Lisa Palasti — Tue, 03 Apr 2012 02:47:00 GMT

I keep a folder of snippets my clients have sent me over the years about successes they’ve experienced in their RDI journeys. Occasionally, I like to re-read these gems to reflect on those triumphs no matter how seemingly big or small they are. I view them as tremendous triumphs that should be lapped up and relished. This little tid-bit was shared by one of the parents that I work with about her son and the resiliency he demonstrated during a routine bath.

The child (let’s call him “John”) is a young 4 year old. He has a co-occurring conditions of Oral Motor Apraxia, sensory processing disorder along with Autism. John has learned how to sign as one form of communication.

Mom writes “I just thought I'd share a little story about John's resilience. The other night John was playing with soap in the bath (as you recall he LOVES soap!), then after his bath he kept asking me for soap and I kept telling him no. He didn't get upset he just kept asking me to the point where I was starting to get upset with him. He's hasn't been that persistent after a “no” in a very long time. I didn't understand why he wouldn't give it up and why he didn't seem mad that I was saying no if he actually wanted it that badly. Then on about the 10th attempt I realized he was actually signing “slide” and what he wanted was his toy car garage that he calls slide because of the ramp. So I got it for him and he was happy. Finally! I knew why he wasn't getting mad and wasn't giving up when I kept saying no soap, because he didn't want soap :). I was just really impressed that he kept trying to communicate with me when I clearly wasn't getting it, he didn't give up which I think will really help him when he's around people that don't know his signs nearly as well as I do. So...yay John! :)

I celebrate this story for a few reasons. The first reason is because the mother appreciated this moment and was able to celebrate it as well. This is extremely important when participating in the “Marathon” of remediation. You all might remember one of Dr. Gutsteins’ mantras “it’s a marathon, not a sprint” - relishing the small successes are incredibly important to provide us with fuel for our journeys. By reflecting on these small successes, parents also build resiliency AND motivation to continue on their paths.

The second reason I was so struck by this story was not only because the child was so patient and resilient with his mom when she didn’t understand him, but more specifically that he understood that communication breaks down and requires maintenance and repair. He kept trying because he understands that communication is not absolute. He understood that mom wasn’t saying “no” to the slide, she was saying “no” to the soap which he absolutely loves and could play with all day long.

I hope you enjoyed this little story about resiliency as much as I did! Maybe you have some of your own stories that are worth reflection.

Lisa Palasti, blessed mom of 2 special kids, lives with her family in Kitchener, Ontario. She began her RDI certification to become one of the 1^st certified consultants in Canada in 2004. Life is much richer and more meaningful to Lisa since she now views the world through “RDI-Coloured Lenses”. If you have a little (or big) success story, please consider contact me at lisapal@sympatico.ca for further details. Your story could inspire and light the way for others.

Adapt and Thrive - Part 4

Elizabeth Alford — Mon, 26 Mar 2012 13:52:00 GMT

This is the last of a series of posts taken from an article by Zoe Thompson, originally published in the UK's SEN magazine.Click below links to read more.

Part 1
Part 2
Part 3

- - - - - - - - - -

4) Helping Children Cope with Setbacks and Challenges
We cope with setbacks and challenges and learn from mistakes by drawing on our episodic memories of experiences that are similar but different to the current situation, to help us decide what to do.

Research shows that this special kind of memory is impaired in autism. It is possible to use different activities that incorporate small challenges, which the child can repair or resolve. This could include simple games like Buckaroo and Jenga or everyday activities in the home such as putting the rubbish out, making the beds, sorting the washing or making lunch. The guide can then subtly highlight the child's competence in managing the challenge. The highlighting helps the child to lay down an episodic memory that is then filed away to be used as a reference point in future when presented with a similar challenge. Strengthening episodic memory supports the development of resilience and self-esteem.

5) Helping Children Solve Problems Creatively
We solve problems creatively by thinking of solutions we may have used before in similar circumstances and finding the best fit, "good enough" approach to coping with real life problems.

This follows on from perspective-taking; it is possible to use activities where the child discovers that there is no right answer, that there is more than one way to achieve a goal and that the solution does not have to be perfect. For example, when playing ball, the ball can be thrown (there are multiple ways to throw: higher, lower, backwards, through the legs), rolled, carried on something else or batted with a racquet.

Life is full of uncertainty, unpredictability, setbacks and challenges. Our education and social care systems need to embrace cutting edge thinking about autism, so that we can help people with autism develop the competencies that are needed to successfully navigate through the choppy waters of everyday life.

- End of article

ADDENDUM
What I wasn't allowed to say in the article is that the guided participation I am referring to is, of course, what underpins the autism intervention Relationship Development Intervention (RDI). It is RDI that has influenced the teaching methodology in Bright Futures School. It's encouraging to note that while there aren't yet that many schools that are embracing these ideas as a whole school approach, there are an increasing number of education practitioners who are beginning to incorporate 'mindful guiding' into their relationships with pupils and fellow staff members.

Being in training as an RDI Consultant has opened up a whole new world of like-minded people who are striving towards similar goals from across the globe. Through our online system, the RDI Learning Community^TM, Consultants and Consultants-in-Training are able to share ideas and experiences, access e-learning, and manage ongoing communications with the families we are supporting. For parents following an RDI Program, this community is a veritable goldmine of ideas and support and a fantastic training resource. It's here that I have 'met' with folk from around the world who are building this guiding approach into their teaching.

I am really looking forward to the day when, as staff at Bright Futures School, we can collaborate with the RDIConsultants of families at our school who are running home programs of RDI to ensure that the guiding experiences that are offered at school compliment and elaborate on the child's home program. The beauty of the RDI Learning Community^TM is that we (school staff, parents and RDI Consultant) will all be able to have an ongoing case management dialogue. How's that for a dynamic approach?

RDI Certified Consultant-in-Training, Zoe Thompson, is Mum to Louis (age 9, typically developing) and Philip (age 12 with autism). She lives in the UK where she serves as Head Of Development for Bright Futures School, along with other parents, where the teaching methodologies are influenced by the principles and practice of RDI.

Adapt and Thrive - Part 3

Elizabeth Alford — Fri, 23 Mar 2012 14:08:00 GMT

This is part Three of an article by Zoe Thompson, which first appeared in the UK's SEN magazine.

Part 1
Part 2

Some autism researchers and practitioners believe that it is possible to help children with autism develop flexible, adaptive thinking in order to better equip them with the range of competencies they need to flourish in an ever-changing world. This can be achieved by using the natural developmental pathway of typical (non-autistic) children as the framework.

Barbara Rogoff, Professor of Psychology at Santa Cruz, shows in her book, Apprenticeship in Thinking, how typical children in every culture of the world learn to become problem solvers by taking part in the "guided participation relationship" with their primary caregiver/s.

If we put Hobson's "cradle" together with Rogoff's "guided participation", we get a framework for the development of flexible, adaptive-thinking and social and emotional development in children with autism. A handful of specialist autism schools are now using an approach based on this framework. Outlined below are some of the developmental steps they are focusing on, together with examples of activities that can be used when working on developing each area of competence.

1) Helping Children Share Experience
Experience-sharing through interpersonal engagement is unique to humans. Children with autism miss this developmental step with the result that they find it very difficult to share emotional reactions, feelings, thoughts and ideas with others.

A child can work with their "guide" on an activity that lends itself to experience-sharing. For example, when playing Buckaroo there are lots of opportunities to share excitement, anticipation and trepidation, and to celebrate each other's success of responding to a challenge during the game.

2) Helping Children Take Different Perspectives and Think Flexibly
This involves examining, observing or thinking about something from someone else's point of view in order to have a more flexible range of response to it.

Perspective-taking underpins flexible thinking: we borrow someone else's views on something to generate options about what to do when presented with uncertainty or challenge. To develop perspective-taking, a guide can help a child to compare and contrast their views with the views of others. In its simplest form, this could involve teacher and child looking at the shape of a cloud and sharing their views. It could look like a rabbit and it could also look like a duck. Both views are valid - just different perspectives.

3) Helping Children Collaborate
This everyday interaction comes easily for most children, but those with autism miss the developmental steps, such as social referencing and joint attention, which are key to collaboration.

It is possible to work on collaboration by setting up activities where the child has an authentic role and needs to work with their guide to achieve a common goal. For example, when building a wall of cardboard boxes, a child needs to reference (look towards) the guide to make sure their "brick" is going in the right place. If there is a problem with the placing of the brick, the guide can draw the child's attention to this by using a vocalization such as "Uh oh!" The child then has an opportunity to repair the interaction by adjusting the placing of the "brick". Repair during an interaction is essential; in a truly collaborative interaction, partners take account of each other's views and adjust their own actions accordingly.

Adapt and Thrive - Part 2

Elizabeth Alford — Wed, 21 Mar 2012 13:54:00 GMT

Following is Part two of an article by Zoe Thompson, which first appeared in the UK’s SEN magazine. Read part one here.

Compensations and accommodations have their place - they are vital supports while a pupil is working on developing flexibility. However, we do children no favors if we are working around their difficulties and applying strategies that make them fit more appropriately into the box of our educational system instead of working directly on the difficulties, which would lead to greater independence and autonomy.

An excellent analogy of this can be found in the book Learning As we Grow (Buerkens, Roon & Kowalczyk 2009). The authors state, "If a child is diagnosed with a reading disability, we typically apply remediation approaches to help them learn to read. At various points we may use compensations, such as books on tape, to support them. However, our goal is to remediate or correct the problem that is preventing them from reading, so that they can become functional readers. In my professional experience, I have yet to come across a situation where adults believe that for an eight-year-old child who is not yet reading, we should just compensate for that and give them books on tape for the rest of their lives! Remedial efforts are undertaken to get to the root of the problem and overcome the issues that are preventing successful reading."

Peter Hobson, in The Cradle of Thought, shows how the foundations for flexible, adaptive thinking are developed as a result of the engagement between infant and caregiver in the early years. The infant "borrows the thinking" of the caregiver to decide what to do when faced with uncertainty.

This can be seen clearly in the "visual cliff" experiment where the baby is unsure whether or not to cross what looks like a steep drop to obtain a colourful toy. To help decide what to do, the baby references her mother (looks to her for information). When greeted with an anxious face, the baby withdraws, but when greeted with a positive, cheerful face, the baby proceeds to cross the visual cliff.

Children with autism fail to develop this experience-sharing type of referencing because they have veered away from the typical path of development where interpersonal engagement acts as the "cradle" for the development of higher-level thinking skills. Consequently, competencies such as anticipating, appraising, evaluating, reflecting, monitoring, contextual processing and forward planning (commonly known as executive functioning) are all impaired in autism.

This explains why children with autism avoid change and uncertainty and why change and uncertainty lead to such high levels of anxiety in autism. As neuro-typicals (non autistics) we all know how it feels when we are presented with a new experience or with novel information: when we have not yet developed the competencies to deal with the new or novel, it creates fear or, at the very least, anxiety, and we resist or withdraw from it.

Adapt and Thrive - Part 1

Elizabeth Alford — Tue, 20 Mar 2012 13:20:00 GMT

Over the next few days, we will feature an article by Zoe Thompson, which first appeared in the UK’s SEN magazine.

At a recent National Autistic Society’s Annual General Meeting, I met a 64 year old with Asperger’s Syndrome. As I gave him a lift home, he told me about his life. He said that because his parents did not understand him, he had often been “farmed out” to relatives. School had been “a nightmare”. He had experienced pervasive difficulties holding down a job (despite a MENSA level IQ). He had gotten into a terrible financial tangle because he didn’t understand anything about money unless it was cash, and he had missed out on two potential relationships because he couldn’t read the signals at the time.

My new friend identified his biggest lifelong challenge as the difficulty he has responding adaptively to the myriad of interpersonal challenges related to navigating the world on a day-to-day basis.

All encounters, in every sphere of life, are social encounters that, as an autistic research associate at the University of Maine recently wrote, “are dynamic occurrences that require spontaneity, flexibility, and adaptation”. Such adaptation is required on a moment-to-moment basis and it is this lack of flexibility in thinking that is one of the most difficult challenges for those with autism.

General awareness about autism and support services for people with autism have undoubtedly improved since some of my friend’s earliest experiences, but the principles that drive the provision of health, education and social care services for this population have not moved very far at all in the last 40 years. Cutting edge research into the brain, autism and child development is giving us a clear message about what can be achieved for people with autism. Yet, despite this, our services are still compensating for the impairments resulting from autism instead of addressing them.

The mainstream response to the anxiety resulting from difficulties coping with uncertainty in children with autism within educational settings, has historically been to adapt the environment so that uncertainty is minimized, and to entrench children with autism in the predictability of routines. In some ways, it is an understandable response, as predictability decreases anxiety, but the consequence is that we amplify rigid thinking instead of helping children with autism to develop the flexible thinking that will enable them to have a more adaptive range of responses.

In the education sector, even the most up-to-date inclusion tools funded by the government advocate compensating for, or working around, the difficulties that pupils on the autism spectrum present with. There is no mention of helping pupils develop flexible, adaptive thinking to help them better access both the academic curriculum and the hidden social curriculum.

Finding Normalcy by Jo Fokkes

Elizabeth Alford — Wed, 22 Feb 2012 15:18:00 GMT

RDI Consultant, Jo Fokkes

The following is the story of a family who has found some normalcy through our work with RDI. I initially heard from them in late 2009 and today, they are feeling like a normal family...for the first time in their history.

The family is Mum, Dad and three boys, two of them on the spectrum.
When we first met, only the first child, Johnny, had been diagnosed. He had been traumatized by his attendance at preschool with unsympathetic teachers and was almost nonverbal. Sammy, the second child was not diagnosed at that stage but was throwing huge tantrums and doing things like opening the doors of moving cars. They had a baby brother, Thomas and had just moved to a new area.

Following is part of the mum's first email to me:

September, 2009

Thank you so much for your time yesterday. I'm still learning about ASD. My husband has just started a new job so he has read very little and is relying on me to read and explain. I think he needs to hear about ASD from someone who knows more because during the diagnosis process we were told very little about it, especially that siblings have a 1 in 8 chance of also being ASD. I'd like you to explain it more since I'm struggling to explain how the small things can become big as he gets older.

My husband is in a rush to get Johnny off to school, but doesn't see that he is nowhere near ready. I'm looking at alternatives like correspondence since PDD-NOS kids get little support here especially as they get older. Johnny does far better in mixed age groups. He tends to like helping the smaller kids and finds the older kids more tolerant of his differences. Kindergarten killed his confidence and I'm not making the mistake again.

Since moving, we have been going to two ASD playgroups and a regular Kinder gym along with lots of trips to the local playground (always lots of kids). We have noticed how much happier he has been and he's become very social introducing himself. I really want this to continue with scouts and gymnastics as he gets older.

I just can't seem to get across to family and my husband that at this stage that the quality of relationships and his confidence is far more important that "being normal" and having lots of friends. It's worse when advice comes from friends and family that have no ASD experience or knowledge. It's impossible to explain that I'm not being over protective, but that my boys are not really at the same stages as normal kids and set backs can last months or even years...not days like other kids. So far my reading says I'm on the right track and I feel I have to fight to keep that line. I feel at this stage that age-graded schooling isn't in Johnny's or Sammy's best interests.

Two and a half years have passed since that first email. The family has moved two more times and we have continued our RDI work through Skype in addition to three weekends with I spent with them. Things have not been easy and they have had to make some lifestyle changes. Mum has been ill and the boys have had to learn what boundaries are important to the parents. The parents have learned to be the guides who have gradually helped these boys become happy with themselves and able to tackle the unpredictable world. School has been approached cautiously because of Johnny's early experiences at preschool. He was homeschooled for about a year and is now settled in normal stream.

Recently, after three months holiday in another state with the extended family, Mum sent this email to me:

February, 2012

Hi Jo, we're finally back and settled into home life again. So much changed over the holidays I don't even know where to begin!

Sammy decided (himself) he wanted to be a big school boy like Johnny so we had a few visits to make sure. He loved it so much he goes every day for the whole day. It probably helped that he got Miss H, the lovely blonde girl you met on one of your visits.

He is in a combined class because they felt he was too advanced and didn't want him to be bored.

Johnny got his old teacher and classroom, so it was too easy for him. His reading is still improving and is on level 7. Sammy started his reading much higher than Johnny and I'm managing the situation so that both feel good about their reading.

I don't have any issues, I think due to the fact we had serious guiding (GPR) over the holidays with Uncle Andrew, Dad, Granddad and Grandma .

I'm not sure where to go from here because for the first time ever I feel like we have a "normal" family. Sammy cooks his own porridge each morning and makes his own special lunch. Johnny makes his own cereal and lunch. They dress themselves, help Thomas get his clothes, make their beds, brush teeth, and pack bags, with everyone ready by 8 so they can have 30 minutes play time. Then we all scooter down to school with the dogs!

I have no real concerns at the moment, which I don't ever remember being able to say. It's always been something or another. Looking at some of the kids in Sammy's class, it's hard to tell he is the one with Asperger's now. He gets to sit out during assembly because it's stressful. To be honest though, I find 600 kids screaming in a hall stressful too and so do some of the teachers, I think.

Sammy still suffers pre-activity jitters, but it doesn't take long for him to settle. We found that a healthy snack just after arrival at dancing or school helps him settle. I think some of it has to do with blood sugar. One of his new self management strategies is to pack healthy snacks to eat, which he started on holiday by taking mangoes and milk on outings.

I'm proud because I'm seeing some really shocking 'normal' kids at school with anxiety and behavioral problems while he looks angelic!

Johnny is just great. His speech is developing beautifully and Miyuki, our exchange student, is his new buddy. He is learning loads of Japanese he is keen to show off at school. He loves helping his Dad and in August he is becoming a Cub Scout. He has loads of friends who have all been helping Sammy settle in. On Sammy's first day he took him and introduced him to all his friends and anyone else he knew so I was very proud. He still gets communication a bit scrambled but he's always improving.

I don't know what else to say other than everything is like it should be (I can't believe I said that!).

Johnny, Sammy, Thomas, Peter and Vicky

Jo Fokkes is an RDI Certified Consultant in Sydney Australia. Click here to email Jo.

Dranxiety...by RDI Consultant, Melissa Reiner

Elizabeth Alford — Mon, 13 Feb 2012 14:14:00 GMT

RDI Consultant, Melissa Reiner

Dranxiety /draeng ‘zaieti/

n. 1 a mixture of dread and anxiety.

2 great fear and apprehension combined

with concern and excessive unease.

A friend of mine who has five children (the eldest of which is diagnosed with Autism), just invented this fabulous new word to aptly describe the feeling that she and her husband wake up with each morning. Dranxiety. Always, of course, immediately lessened by anyone’s advice to, “...just calm down,” or to, “...relax.”

Now, we all know that it’s impossible to ‘get’ someone to no longer feel whatever level of dranxiety that they may be feeling at any given time. Any attempt to impose the imperative, ‘to calm’, or ‘to relax’, is about as effective on parents as it is on their children, that is to say, not at all.

While I was pregnant with my third child, I often dealt with bouts of dranxiety, myself. Periodically, thoughts would creep in and leave me feeling very stressed out about how I was going to successfully juggle the demands of having three children under the age of 5.

Upon giving birth to our third son, I was given no choice but to slow way down. I have been known to take as long as 45 minutes to get everyone out of our minivan. But, often, I have carved out that amount of time and more in order to cushion the blow of the blessed circus that is having three children.

I have learned that by taking my time, and building in that breathing room, I afford myself an opportunity to release some of that pressure cooker of life that may build up throughout each day. This isn’t to say that there aren’t plenty of times when we have to hustle and be somewhere sooner than later. There may not always be the luxury of time.

It’s not always realistic to take all the time in the world to accomplish the simplest of tasks, but if I am at all able to create even the smallest amount of slowed pacing in my life, it turns out that my life is better. My children and I all find ourselves, then, to be much more relaxed and filled with calm. The opposite of dranxiety.

This same friend of mine gave me some stupendous advice. She told me that she likes to look at her life with her kids as playing out in phases. She slows down her interactions with her children by breaking down each element of the interaction.

For example, if she decides to attempt to take all five of her children to the park, she likes to look at the time it takes her to gather everyone together to leave for the park as phase 1. She then views the time spent at the park as phase 2. Leaving the park, all together and in one piece, ends up being phase 3.

Inevitably, one of the phases is bound to experience a breakdown or glitch of some sort or other. Likely, at least one phase will not end up being as successful as the others. The experience then, in actuality, becomes a total success. If one or even two phases end up being a debacle, the experience as a whole will still have been a complete success.

As Dr. Gutstein says, if you’re “batting 1000” and writing your own paycheck in the business of baseball, it’s because you’re hitting a homerun every one in three times up to bat. One third of the time is a thorough success....in baseball and at the park.

Parents can readily lose sight of the big picture and we can often find ourselves caught up in the rush of the world as it grabs us by the bootstraps and hurtles us ever forward. It is our imperative as parents. We owe it to ourselves and to our family to connect in with the RDI way and utilize the pausing and slowed pacing in our interactions with our children. Doing so will help ameliorate our dread and anxiety.

This is no small feat, but it beats the alternative. We either live each day with stress weakening our immune system, as well as, our resolve; or we live each day, on a moment to moment basis wherein unhealthy input is abated by breathing through and slowing down in our welcomed moments of connectedness with our family.

I endeavor to choose the latter.

Melissa Reiner has been an RDI Certified Consutant since 2009 and lives in Santa Monica California. Click here to email Melissa.

Letting Go: Taking a Step Back

Elizabeth Alford — Tue, 07 Feb 2012 21:16:00 GMT

Letting Go: Taking a Step Back
My RDI Experience

RDI Consultant, Carol Subramani

The following journal entry was used by permission from a dad who is a client of RDI Consultant, Carol Subramani.

I grew up in a family that has excelled in sport at all levels, from the Olympics right down to school sports. Sport is life and is discussed at family gatherings and, if given a slight window of opportunity, at any time of day. It is not a new phenomenon that parents nowadays try to live their childhood through their children. It is of no relevance if the parent was a geek or had no sports ability because, when it comes to their children, they tend to push and pressure them into performing to please whether or not they experience self enjoyment or pleasure.

As a parent, I started looking at tell-tale signs of hand eye co-ordination, running ability, physical development, flat feet and a spurt of interest when my son was very young. I used to take him to the golf club regularly. I even cut down a putter so he could run around and putt with me on the practice green. He had shown some interest in golf and I made it my mission to ensure that he got the best opportunity to play, but little did I realize that in my enthusiasm I was overbearing, instructive, and showed agitation at incompetence. Basically I ended up destroying what could have been a very enjoyable introduction to a sport. The minute he had developed enough confidence and was able to voice his displeasure, he completely rejected it. He now says "I hate golf". The positive that came out of this experience is that I realized the villain was me and, I had to change as a parent.

"Children aren't coloring books. You don't get to fill them with your favorite colors." -Khaled Hosseini

When I realized I was expecting too much from my son, I completely changed my approach. I started taking him for a run with a football and basically played anything he wanted to. I stopped forcing him into any sporting activity which resulted in him wanting to pick up a ball or a cricket bat to just have fun. He came back from school one day and asked us to buy him a Manchester United jersey. We indulged him till he had collected quite a few team jerseys. He also started football class on his own insistence, since a lot of his peers were enjoying it.

I continued to play football and cricket with him regularly. He now looks forward to his football class and is quite upset if he has to miss it on any one of the days. He has also developed a keen interest in cricket. He is a child who adapts to a sport very easily, his competence levels are pretty high and this has developed his confidence which makes him feel at par, if not better, than his peers.

The lesson that I learned was never to push him to the point where sports or any other activity starts becoming a grind and where the enjoyment is sucked out of it.

I am a better parent now than I was a couple of years ago.

RDI Rocks! A Story from a Proud RDI Dad

Elizabeth Alford — Wed, 01 Feb 2012 14:15:00 GMT

RDI Constultant, Prue Watson, shares the following true story submitted from a family she works with using RDI. It was used with permission and with names changed.

Prue Watson lives in Australia and has been an RDI Certified Consultant since 2007.

"Just so you can understand just how WOW this is....our little 6 yr old boy has had extreme social anxiety (he has slept with us every night of his life because of his fear) and could be quite controlling of those around him as a way of dealing with those feelings of incompetence. We still see these behaviors sometimes, but more and more we see examples of the story below.

RDI rocks!!!!

We have had a TOTALLY WOW weekend...W had his best mate and her mum for a sleepover. The plan was to sleep in the tents. but I wanted to sleep inside with our 2yr old, so I said we could still have the fire etc., but we would sleep inside. Despite how excited he was to sleep outside he happily went along with my idea because he was so happy to have Z there.

R, Z's mum, said she was fine to have both kids out there with her so I thought about it a bit. He loves them, feels safe around them and we were so close by if there was a problem. So I sat him down and told him he could sleep out there if he wanted to and gave him the option to come back in if he needed to at any point. I knew R would be really tuned into his needs.

He was super excited! He slept outside all night like a big grown up boy! R said he went to sleep fine and she said he woke up in the middle of the night, sat up and asked for some water then re-made his bed and went back to sleep. WOW. And he felt so confident and happy about it. It was a real milestone for him.

W and Z played so well together. The kids respect one another and stop to listen to each other and ask for clarification etc so nothing becomes a bother. They bring out the best in each other. They are so beautiful to one another and it is so sweet to watch.

One time, W was carrying the heavy tent and he said "Could somebody please help me with this". Z went right to his aid and they did it together. He said "I could do it on my own but it is much nicer with two". Oh my heart just melted!

When they left W explained to me all the thinking that he had done to work out that he was safe in the tent. Once, he said he heard a noise and woke up and wondered what it was and where he was. Then he felt the tent and thought about it and realised that he was in the tent and I was inside. So he gently said R's name and she was there for him and he felt safe. So interesting that he thought to share his thinking with me about how it all felt for him.

Later we were invited to a bonfire to roast bunya nuts, where there would be 5 other families with about 10 kids. I checked with W and he was excited but said he really wanted to go for the fire, not to play. So he helped the 2 adults who were doing the fire and they are really awesome with him, they always have been. And he followed them and referenced them perfectly. By the end of the night everyone had commented on how much W has grown and changed and how wonderful it was to see me out and about and enjoying myself.

SO WONDERFUL!"