Foster Parenting Adventures

7 year old in his 6th placement

2012-01-24T14:30:00.002-05:00

I also considered titles such as:

Another kid whose life has been going from bad to worse

Why if you can be a good foster parent you should consider making the leap

Things I hate knowing because now that I know it's another thing I know and have to have occupying my brain as if I haven't already met too many abused and neglected kids who have also been screwed by the System

Anyway, I was asked by the supervisor of the principal of a special ed school where I sometimes consult to evaluate a few kids the other day. The one I am currently venting about is a tiny little 7 year old boy. He has been in foster care for the last two or so years in 6 or more placements and perhaps 3 or 4 schools. All of his siblings are currently in the care of their grandmother except for him, he has been living in one foster home or another.

The supervisor claims that the school doesn't know how to work with this child, J, because they don't understand the "adjustment" he is going through. Supervisor Guy is at odds with the school staff over how they are handling this child. I don't like this supervisor guy for a multitude of reasons. I find him clueless pretty much all the time with regards to all things insight related but I went to see the child wondering if "adjustment" was all there was to it.

This poor kid. "Adjustment" to yet another new home is the least of his problems. His IQ is in the borderline range (meaning he is slightly above mental retardation - at least that is his current functional level), he has a multitude of neurological issues which evidence themselves in motor delays, communication impairments and processessing delays. He is at the emotional maturity level of a 3 or 4 year. Not only that, he is a 3 or 4 year old *under distress*! So when he can't handle his emotions he is kicking, biting or running around. He can't verbalize or likely even put into words what he is experiencing inside.

Yet, when one home puts him out, the System sends him to the next foster home that says "yes." Mind you, not one that understands his needs, just the one that says "yes." I know, we get random calls because we are simply next on a list. The calls have *nothing* to do with matching the child to a specific home.

As he has moved around he has lost his doctors. He is not currently being followed by the neurologist that once followed him. Once again at a new school, the school has not yet had the ability to implement the IEP which of course should afford him every type of therapy that exists. The foster parent has not even reached out to the school. Only the biological parent has and the school has no idea why this child is in an out of home placement or what is expected to happen. The biological parent has not lived with her child in years but she is the only one even talking to the school.

Anyway, it is nuts and sad. This child is so at risk for continued upheaval, restarts and egregious continued neglect because he isn't a CD. He has so many needs. His situation is so complicated and involves so many people and so many services that no one even seems to know where to begin.

To the school staff's credit, I think they are making a great start. But really, sometimes I just hate this System.

At almost 18 months in, where we are now

2012-01-10T10:50:00.002-05:00

Time seems to be flying by these days. Our house is undergoing major renovations, the kids are already half way through the school year and CD is going to be turning 3 in February.

Our foster care license is due to expire at the and of January so we are in the process of a renewing it. I can't believe that we have been licensed for three years already. I was really nervous that the System would have concerns over the construction but they told me not to worry, that they can inspect and get the paperwork in on time and come out again later. It was such a relief. I thought we may have to move out for a while because of the open electrical stuff.

We have yet to hear from a new case manager. An adoption case manager was supposed to be assigned to us within 5 days of December 20th, our last court date. Nothing surprises me anymore. I think I will reach out to my old case manager though, I don't want anything else getting delayed due to System inefficiencies.

While CD gets easier to parent as she gets older, between the construction and CD's love of dumping things out of anything and everything, my house is in such a constant state of disarray! CD makes up for it in spades though. She'll tells each of us, at different random moments, "you are my favorite friend." I get more kisses, hugs, snuggles and "I love you mom" than I could possibly count. Last night she hugged me and said, "you are my cutie mom." What a kid. Knowing that she probably won't be this loving as a tween or teen (as most have to lash out at their moms at that time), I am appreciating all the affection I am getting now so I can reflect on it later when I get an, "I hate you mom" or "but all the other girls are allowed to wear them!"

5 ordinary people doing extraordinary things

2012-01-06T09:13:00.004-05:00

As I mentioned in my last post, as a condition of accepting the Versatile Blog Award, I agreed to nominate 5 blogs that I thought were also worthy of an award. I have met some extraordinary women on twitter who are fostering and/or adopting and doing an incredible job. Some of these are the women to whom I was referring when I talked about being "in awe." Knowing them, even if it is only through following them and interacting with them on twitter has been an incredible experience. They are rare gems and people that I would like to introduce to you.

1. Sheeps Eating Me: As her twitter profile says, she is a "queer, transracial, feminist, adoptive mama and wife, parent to 2 kids with special needs and foodie, kayaker and bookworm." I hope this is not too un-politically correct to say, but I think that gay couples are one of the best things to happen to children in foster care. Gay couples, now in 2012, are more commonly and openly finding ways to build families, many via adoption. If you weren't aware, the foster care system is not allowed to discriminate based on sexual orientation (though of course, people in the system still do). So, get to know her whether it is through her blog or by following her on twitter.

2.Tubaville: "Tiruba Tuba" has adopted 3 children who are now ages 16, 9 and 9. All three have special needs, two of them have special needs that are quite extensive. Her 16 year old daughter was told, to her face, that she was "unadoptable." Tiruba and her husband proved everyone wrong. Tiruba is so real, she speaks the truth about her struggles as well as her joys. You can get to know her on her blog or also, by following her on twitter. Her retweets and responses to celebrities on twitter are hysterical and not to be missed!

3. Motherissues: "Thorn's" twitter profile describes her as a "lesbian, atheist pacifist, fostering/adopting from foster care." She and her wife Lee have adopted their little girl Mara, have two boys who remain in their lives though no longer in their homes and are currently fostering two young children. Just like the others I have already described, she too is very real. She shares both the joys and challenges of fostering and I was so glad to know her on the day the adoption of Mara became official. She is another person worth knowing whether through her blog or by following her on twitter.

4. Foster Adoption: Much newer to me but an extraordinary find (also via twitter) is this married mom of 5 biological children. She is in the process of adopting a sibling group from foster care and is considering adopting a second sibling group which would result in 10 children in total! She is a passionate and compassionate woman who is currently counting down the days "until forever" when her two new children make the full transitions from their current caregivers to her family, their forever family.

5. Fostering Thrifty Families: "Tee" and her partner are on a track to adopt their two foster children, brothers who are a teen and a toddler. Her blog focuses on learning to live on a budget so that they could ultimately achieve their goal of having one parent able to be a full time stay at home parent. I have gotten to know her offline and she is an exceptional person to know. Her blog is a fun place to read about great deals that could be useful for any parent, not just those who are fostering or adopting.

As a condition of an award I was honored to receive, 7 things about me

2012-01-05T10:32:00.005-05:00

LT, of I was a foster kid, honored me this week by giving my blog an award called "The Versatile Blogger." She said the nicest things about me. After having been chosen by another blogger to win this same award, LT was required to tell 7 things about herself that her readers wouldn't know and choose 5 worthy blogs to award.

If you know LT and her blog, you know that you don't turn down an award from LT. It would be like turning down an award from your favorite professor. It is a great privilege to be acknowledged by LT as being one of the good guys in the world of mental health and parenting. So I accepted the award, got a huge bump in my stats thanks to her link to me and agreed to the terms of the award. She's also inspired me to write more often as I have so much to say, though these days more about mental health than foster parenting now that CD has been with us for so long and we on our road to adopting her. Honestly, I don't really feel much like a "foster parent" anymore. I am just a parent waiting for the law to recognize CD as my daughter, my forever daughter.

So 7 things about me:

1. For a variety of reasons that are best left for an analyst's couch, I didn't think that I would be a good mother and felt enormously anxious and guilty when J was born. I believed that he deserved better than what I could ever be to him. It wasn't until he was 2 and a half that I felt confident in my parenting. The proof was in the pudding as they say. J was turning out to be an extraordinary child. It was only then that I was ready to even think of having another child.

2. When I was engaged my husband (now of 16 years) I told him that I had a medical disorder that often comes with infertility challenges. He responded that he was not marrying me for my child bearing abilities. The conversation evolved into talking about how we could adopt and how wonderful it could be to give a family to a child that needs one.

3. Before getting pregnant with Z I scoured the internet for information about adoption and fell in love with a picture of a child from Eastern Europe. I chickened out, never pursued it seriously with my husband and knew we couldn't afford to adopt in that route anyway. I knew nothing about foster care/adoptions at the time.

4. The first time I thought about wanting to be a foster parent was in 2004. I developed a deep connection to a 14 year-old boy, K, who was detained at the youth house where I was working. Both of his parents were incarcerated and he was living on the streets. His grandmother, his legal guardian, didn't look for him or even report him missing. I petitioned the judge to send K to a treatment program rather than prison. I still keep a letter that K wrote me from the residential program to which he went after leaving the youth house.

5. Having grown up in a religious family but ultimately losing my faith, I find myself struggling with making meaning out of life and finding a purpose in life. Ultimately, I think this is why I am a psychologist that works with kids that others have long since thrown away and why I felt that I needed to be a foster parent. I figured out what I seem to be pretty good at and threw myself into it.

6. I am haunted by a Jewish saying that basically translates into an idea that we live in an imperfect world and though one is not obligated to fix it all, one is not exempt from doing their part. I wonder how much my part is which brings me to. . .

7. I am in awe of foster and adoptive parents who are raising sibling groups and children with special needs. I am in awe of families who have already raised 3, 4, 5 bio and/or adopted children but are not done and looking to foster and adopt more. My expectation was that I would be fostering or even adopting children with some challenges and I welcomed that knowing that I have a clinical background and years of successful parenting under my belt.

CD is not a challenge any more than any healthy, happy, well adjusted toddler is a "challenge."

I am afraid that I have not done my "part" but I don't know if I will ever have the internal resources to do more as a parent than raise my three children. I am hoping that will change as my children get a little older and that CD is not the last child that I foster.

A very Happy Chanukah for us!

2011-12-29T11:06:00.005-05:00

Our second permanency hearing came and went on December 20th. As we were told, this actually *was* a permanency hearing. After the judge heard from the System folks and the defense attorney (CD's bio family members did not show for the hearing), we were invited in to address the court.

The tone in the court room was somewhat different this time. The judge smiled at us and chose different words when addressing us. It was no longer, "thank you for helping the family at this time," it was, "thank you for doing this." When he asked about our sons he asked, "are they excited to . . ." until he was given a look by the defense attorney so he changed what he seemed to be going to saying ("adopt CD") to ". . .have CD with you?"

The judge explained that we would be assigned a new case manager in the next five days. An ADOPTION case manager. While CD's mother and father still maintain their parental rights until they are officially terminated by the court, the court has now changed the "permanency plan" from reunification to adoption. The process can take anywhere from approximately 6-12 months (or longer if we are thrown a curveball, which we don't expect). I am not sure how the complete absence of the biological family affects the process but I guess we will learn as we go along.

Best Chanukah present ever! It took a while to feel real. My little girl, who has at this point been a part of my family for more than half of her life will be, almost certainly, my FOREVER daughter.

When we signed up to be foster parents, I told myself it would be enough to be a temporary family for children when they needed them. I did hope and dream though that a CD would happen. People keep telling us how lucky CD is to have us. They have no idea. We are the lucky ones.

Meanwhile, CD is no baby anymore. At almost three, she is a little person with a very distinct and strong personality. She prefers dresses over pants, wants her nails done at all times, refuses to stop painting the walls with deodorant and the teachers at her school tell me that they imagine her to one day be the head cheerleader in high school with legions of followers. She is a confident, opinionated child who doesn't shy away from telling everyone what she wants and what she wants them to do. CD is not exactly the spitting image of her to be adoptive parents. It is so exciting to watch her personality begin to take form not having any idea what kind of role genetics are playing. She is one of a kind and I love being her mom.

Another court date is over

2011-12-02T16:03:00.003-05:00

What a week. Each kid was sick. I found out that my sweet cat who has been part of the family for over 15 years only has a few good months left and a we had a dud of a court date.

When I mean dud, I mean absolutely a waste of time. I was told that this November 30th court date was a Permanency Hearing. I was told that there were paternity test results that would be in and there would be an official recommendation to move the case over to the adoption unit.

Once I was at court, I sat for two hours in the waiting area. Then I met the new law guardian. She said that today was just a status report and not a permanency hearing. The case manager told me the same. They treated me like I was nuts for being visibly annoyed when I told them that I was sure that I was told this was a permanency hearing and took off a day of work for that reason. Later I found the voicemail from the previous law guardian that said "the permanency hearing is scheduled for November 30, 2011 at 9:00." At least I know I didn't hallucinate this information.

The law guardian asked if I wanted to go to work and not wait until the case was heard. I said no, I'd like to address the judge. Honestly, all I wanted to say to the judge is that I need proper identification for CD so we could visit with family in February (we would need to fly) and I have been asking the case manager and law guardian for the identification for a year now (with no success).

A little while later, the judge rescheduled the hearing for the end of December. The case was not even heard. I waited, by myself (not a good idea, I should have said yes to my friend who offered to come with me) for nothing, just to sit and wait. None of CD's bio family members were there. The case manager did say that it's "looking good for adoption" so I guess I got something out of going.

An attorney friend called later to get an update. He had some good advice for us and hooked us up with another attorney who may have further advice. The advice pretty much entails utilizing our right to write to the judge to offer information that we may not trust is getting to the judge with all these workers who are new to the case and may not be on the ball.

It's been a week.

Nightmares to deal with stuff I won't entertain during the day

2011-11-22T10:08:00.006-05:00

Today marks 16 months since CD joined our family. I will never forget reading Rebecca of Fosterhood's blog when her foster daughter went back to her mother at the 15 month mark. I remember thinking that I never want to be in that position. I could only imagine her pain at losing a child that she had once thought she would likely adopt. Here we are at 16 months, expecting that adoption is the likely outcome when we are still far from it being a foregone conclusion to this story.

As a parent, as I am sure most parents can relate, I find that while our children bring us the greatest joy in life, they are also our greatest source of stress.

Last night I was riddled with nightmares. I dreamt about J, my 13 year old, being given a hard time by staff at his school for considering switching schools next year. I am sure my concerns about making a decision about Z's schooling for next year was integrated into the dream as well but I don't remember all the details.

I also dreamt that we went to court and found out we were losing CD.

In my waking hours, I don't think all that much about the paternity test we are waiting on. It is easy, when awake, to intellectualize and remind myself that it is unlikely that Mr D is the biological father and even if he is, that he would be a willing and fit parent for CD after all this time. In my waking hours, most of the people I have mentioned this to shut down all conversation and willingness to be supportive with a casual, "maybe it won't mean anything."

In my dreams I can't help but entertain the thought of maybe it will. I can't help it. We process our inner most fears and anxieties in our dreams. Maybe there are not too many people who want to entertain the thought with me and allow me to express my fears out loud, but the thoughts are there regardless and not entirely under my control.

I can't just be "optimistic."

I feel like saying to people who seem so dismissive, "put yourself in my shoes, imagine, just for a second, what it would be like to lose a child you have been raising for 16 months. A child you love as your own. Imagine you have committed the rest of your life to being her forever mom, everyone involved believes that this is what is going to happen, her biological mother has walked away knowing you would become her forever mom in her stead and then you would have to go on with life without her."

Imagine worrying that your child could have to suffer the pain of losing her parent(s) a second time to go to be raised by yet another person who would be brand new to her. And this time, she would be old enough to understand what is happening to her.

Yes, I made this choice. And people are not obligated to imagine walking in my shoes or offer support. But its nice when they do because this foster/adopt thing can be a scary and lonely place.

Waiting on a paternity test result (yes, now)

2011-11-15T10:08:00.006-05:00

November 30th, the date of our second and hopefully final Permanency Hearing, is rapidly approaching. In preparation for the court date the System has to serve both R (CD's birth mother) and all potential fathers (the number is at 3 or 4, I am not sure).

Last night I learned that one of the named fathers took a paternity test. R has never said that she believes that this man is CD's father, in fact, she insists that another man, Mr. E, fathered her and claims that CD looks just like him. She asked our previous case manager over and over to chase after Mr. E to take a paternity test. I believe R was hoping that Mr. E would take custody of CD and raise her. The father of her first child is raising their son, perhaps she was hoping this would be repeated with CD.

However, for whatever reason, the System believes that Mr. D could be CD's father. Mr. D inquired about her and took a paternity test. We are currently waiting on results. I admit this has me pretty freaked out. However, though I never got to know R that well, I do get the feeling that she was sure of CD's paternity and Mr. E has made it very clear that he will not be stepping forward to take any paternity test or come to court. I know that our case manager will be making an in person visit to see Mr. E anyway though, after all, they are looking to terminate his rights.

R is missing and has been since early August. I don't mean just not visiting. No one involved in this case has been able to locate her. In fact, the Office of the District Attorney has filed a Missing Person's Report. The whole thing is really quite surreal. I feel an odd sort of connection to R. She is not only CD's birth mother but she is also her first mother. She is a woman who has been nothing but polite to me and expressed appreciation to others regarding our care of her daughter. I am hoping that she is safe and ok. I am glad that she can at least feel confident that her daughter is being well cared for. I know that in the past she hasn't been safe nor ok and no matter how much I want to adopt CD, I would never wish anything bad on R.

Meanwhile, CD is thriving. After sixteen months as a member of our family, she is only 3 months shy of her third birthday. She has her first best friend. They sit next to each other at school whenever they can and I am told they often hold hands and give each other hugs. She is an affectionate and sweet girly girl with a tough, strong willed assertive side. I can't even imagine this child not being my forever daughter.

Our new case manager played for the NBA

2011-10-25T19:21:00.003-04:00

or at least he looks like he did. . .

We met him Monday night, this Mr. A. He must have been seven feet tall and kept checking to make sure he wouldn't hit his head as he went through our totally normal height doorways.

I was worried that CD would not take too well to him. He is a man and CD seems to warm up to women faster and even on the phone I knew to expect a big man since he had such a deep voice. Turns out, CD really liked him. She didn't quite give him a "high five" but she liked him enough to be a chatter box during the entire visit and once he left, to ask me if he'd be back soon! Mr. A was embarrassed to ask to see our fridge so he asked about our "food situation." I told him that I knew he was supposed to look in our fridge and at CD's room, so we showed him around. Mr. A proclaimed CD to be precious and way too smart to be two years old. That's all it took to win me over.

I wish that Mr. A wasn't so new and so completely clueless about our case. He seems like a good guy though. I am hopeful that he will work well with us and take us through the permanency hearing. I believe that if the court rules to begin termination of parental rights we will move to an adoption case manager anyway.

Craziest day at work in years. . .

2011-10-25T12:04:00.003-04:00

More than three years ago, back when my husband and I embarked on this foster parenting adventure, it was in part due to my being inspired by my professional work. I have been working with kids, mostly teens, from the roughest of backgrounds since 2004.

Yesterday was the craziest day I have had in years. I generally spend my Mondays at a school with an enrollment of about 50 with approximately 20-30 students who show up on any given day. The students have all been expelled from inner city public schools. The school is meant to educate students with pretty severe behavior problems. Many of the students also have cognitive limitations.

Unfortunately, our normal building went through a lot during Hurricane Irene and we are in a rental space for now. Our normal building is state of the art. In addition to regular classrooms, we have a gym, counseling offices, a weight room, a wood shop room, culinary arts kitchen and fully stocked art room. Where we are now, we have nothing but 8 rooms. The kids know how to jimmy open the doors and they are bored. In addition, we have a new administration for the fourth time in five years. Though the new administration looks promising, we lack the resources that we normally have.

All of this resulted in complete mayhem yesterday. By nine in the morning the police were called. The administration needed them to help prevent a gang fight. While the police presence successfully prevented violence it made for a very rough start for the day. The students all watched from the windows (despite constant staff attempts to redirect) as the police engaged the students who were about to fight in the parking lot. When the police walked through the school, the kids cursed at them. Fortunately, the officers were wise enough to stay stone faced as the kids lashed out.

In two separate incidents, two large windows were smashed. Later in the day, another student decided to kick a door off the hinges. Another student broke the lock in the office that the counselors are using. At lunch, kids threw pieces of bananas at the windows and at each other. No matter what the staff did (and in some cases, didn't do), the kids kept on their destructive paths. One teacher completely lost his temper and shoved a student when he thought the student was going to take his belongings. The student shoved back and it turned into a shoving match. It was nuts.

I managed to get in a couple of good sessions with some kids that were new to me. I also managed to stop the shoving match between the student and teacher (I also wrote it up for the administration) and as the student said, prevented him from punching the teacher and therefore prevented him from leaving in handcuffs.

I have been so passionate about working with kids who have been deemed beyond help for so long but I am finding that passion fading. In the last few months, two of our recent students were arrested for murder. I used to believe that if I could just reach a few it would be enough. I am questioning that these days and I am not looking forward to going back next Monday.

Slowly but surely moving forward

2011-10-22T09:51:00.002-04:00

Firstly, can I just thank the folks who read this blog? It is amazing that people that I have never met send me notes and emails with their good wishes and to ask what has been happening.

So here is what has been happening. Wednesday, CD's case went back to court. While we had been told that this would be another permanency hearing and that the System would be asking the court to change the goal in the case to termination of parental rights and adoption, this was not the case. A day before the court hearing I was contacted by CD's law guardian and told that this would just be a "status report" and that would be asking for a "quick return" which means a permanency hearing with less that the normally required 30 days notice. I was told that I didn't even need to come to court. Something about "both named fathers needed to be notified." Ok, makes sense. Of course I didn't know that there were two named fathers or why they couldn't have been notified, but whatever.

After the court hearing, the law guardian left a message for me telling me that CD's bio mom was not in court. There is not going to be a "quick return" but there will be a new permanency hearing on November 30. She also told me that she was leaving the Office of the Law Guardian. CD will have a new lawyer. This news came just after I was told that she would have a new case manager. Not much continuity, but I am hoping that with the judge being the same, the changes will not set us back.

Meanwhile CD is as amazing as ever. Just when you think she can't get cuter, she does.

8 days until court. . .

2011-10-11T12:15:00.003-04:00

CD's law guardian in going to visit in a few days to prepare for next week's court date. She asked how CD was doing, how her ears were since her surgery and if she is still in school. It is interesting and bothersome to me how infrequently the law guardian visits and receives information about the children on her case load. She seems to be entirely dependent on the case manager reports for information and simply echos the case manager's recommendations when in court as standard operating procedure. I am not sure I understand the point of having a law guardian if her role is to simply visit before court dates and echo case managers.

I told the law guardian all about CD's progress since she last saw her. I told her that her teachers are saying that she is getting "fiesty." CD is assertive and sometimes aggressive at school when another child wants her toy or she wants his. She sometimes hits or throws objects in anger. She is no longer the quiet, inhibited child at school that she was a year ago. The teachers assure me that this is not a child who will ever let anyone step on her.

I told her about CD's improvement in health since getting her ear tubes. While she still seems to catch anything and everything that goes around at least she has been free of pesky ear infections since her surgery.

I also told her about CD's behavior during visits from members of the System. She has been acting out during the visits because she likely knows more about what is going on during these visits than anyone gives her credit for. We were recently visited by her health coordinator and our family's resource worker (she is helping us renew our license). During both visits CD told the workers, "I don't want you." She told them, "I stay with my Mommy," or "don't take me away from my Mommy." Reassuring her that these people are our friends and they are visiting and won't take her is not enough for her. During both visits she hit me when I would not stop talking to them (or filling out their forms) or when I told her that she needed to wait for me to come with her someplace else. Both times I had to discipline her (using brief time outs and requiring and apology) in front of the workers.

CD is getting older now. She is tuned in to the conversations that are occurring about her and her future during these visits. Even though it has been months, she remembers that she doesn't like being taken from me to go to her visits and she somehow knows that these visitors are connected to that separation anxiety. As it is, CD has more difficulties than most of her peers with separation.

I am anxious about the upcoming court date. I am afraid that this process will continue to get dragged on for much longer than necessary. As CD gets older I can no longer say, "thankfully she is clueless" because she is becoming less clueless as time goes on and I want her to stay clueless. I want to protect her from any potential fears and worries. I only wish that I could.

A step in the adoption direction

2011-10-06T10:12:00.006-04:00

Our next court date for CD is less than two weeks away. Our last court date was 3 months ago, the official "Permanency Hearing." At the hearing, because CD's bio mother had been partially compliant with visitation and therapeutic programs, she was given an additional three months to offer the court reason to continue to maintain the reunification goal.

The upcoming court date will mark just under 15 months of CD being with us in foster care. Having come to us at 17 months, it also marks being with us almost half of her life!

Yesterday, I received a call from CD's case manager. In addition to telling me that the case has been reassigned to a new case manager, she told me that the court report for the upcoming court date has been completed and that the System will be making an official recommendation that the permanency goal be changed to adoption.

R, CD's birth mother, has disappeared again. She last saw CD in the first week of August. She was in touch with the case manager once in early September but was a no show to a visit to which she said she was coming. R is now off the grid. Her phone number has been disconnected and the System workers have been unable to locate her. The case manager said that she sent a certified letter to R's aunt because that is the only place that she can hope that she can count on R receiving the communication.

I almost can't believe that we are here. Becoming a foster parent, I never actually expected some incredible child who would need a forever family to fall into our laps. I never imagined that I would ever start again with a little one and actually have the privilege to raise a daughter.

I admit, in the midst of my cautious optimism and joy, I am sad for R. She is missing out on knowing this incredible child to whom she gave birth and raised for 17 months. It is sad to know that she is out there struggling.

While this is a step in the adoption direction it is far from over. The judge will get the end say as to what step will be taken next. I don't expect that this process will take less than another year, but at the same time I am relieved to know that we are taking a step to finally making what already is official. I really look forward to the day when I can simply introduce CD as my "daughter."

Protecting myself from shotgun comments

2011-09-15T13:10:00.004-04:00

My whole family recently attended the bar mitzvah celebration of the son of very dear friends. J and their son have been close friends since the first grade. J, as well as my husband and myself were offered honorary roles at the religious ceremony and it was really, really special.

For those who have never been to a Saturday religious service at a synogogue, let me explain that it is not a place where two year-olds do all that well. It is LONG, as in about three hours, and you are expected to sit quietly in one place for its entirety. Other than yelling for my friend across the crowded sanctuary and yelling I see "B!" (the bar mitzvah boy) at the top of her lungs, CD kept herself busy weaving between chairs getting (mostly) smiles from people around her, many of whom knew her already. Sure, we had to remove her a few times, but all things considered, she did quite well.

A gentleman sitting next to me was particularly entertained by CD. He kept trying to get her attention, smiled at her and asked her questions. He warned me that I am going to need a shotgun in a few years to keep the boys away because she is just that cute.

I could have just laughed and smiled and thanked him for the compliment. Instead, that little self protective thing kicked in and I responded, "she has been with us in foster care for over a year now, we are hoping to adopt her and we really hope to be so lucky to have in our lives when it is time for shotguns!"

Ugh. I kicked myself immediately. I could have just let it go. It was an unecessary comment. I think I really was just trying to protect myself from the image of my beautiful CD as a striking brown eyed, blond teen getting too much attention from hormone ridden boys and her *not* being my daughter.

I don't even buy clothing for her in the next size yet. It still feels presumptuous to think that I will be the one dressing her when she gets to that bigger size.

It's not that anything bad happened from this conversation. It, of course, opened up dialogue about foster care and it turns out that this gentleman is the father of one of my son's good friends in school. He had heard all about her friend J's foster sister and his daughter had been one of the many students to support J's charity project, which ultimately resulted in a large donation to the Dave Thomas Foundation.

Almost 14 months later, she is my daughter who isn't my daughter. I refuse to introduce her as my "foster daughter" because it sounds stupid to me. I tend to introduce her as "my little girl" as that feels more accurate. If we are fortunate enough to adopt her, maybe then I will start stocking up on the shotguns that we will need to keep the boys away.

We should be so lucky.

It can suck to be a child of a mom with clinical depression

2011-09-08T13:06:00.004-04:00

Having nothing new to report on the foster care front (all is status quo, no visits for about a month now), I thought I would go back to what I had done in the past when I had nothing to say about foster care. I thought I would write again about topics I feel passionate about as a clinician, parent and human being.

There is a lot of talk about the effects of depression on fetuses, post-partum depression on newborns, if one should take medication if depressed when pregnant, which medications, how much, at what stage of pregnancy, etc. What is discussed less in pop culture and the media is what effects growing up with a depressed mother has on a child when the mother suffers from chronic depression or repeated depressive episodes.

Since I don't want to write a boring research paper here, I will be forthcoming about my agenda and then try to paint a picture for you. I not only want to urge mothers who suffer from depression to seek treatment for themselves for themselves, but I would argue that not getting help for yourself is unethical and can even be considered child neglect as we know how profoundly damaging maternal depression can be on children.

I have very little patience for people who refuse to understand that depression is an illness. It has both genetic and environmental causes and is treatable via psychotherapy, medication, exercise, nutrition and more. People often respond best to a combination of treatments with vigorous exercise and meditation gaining momentum in the research as what were once the lesser discussed interventions.

A chronically depressed mother, on medication for many years, was frustrated with the medication's side effects. After having been stable for a number of years, (but had a history of failing to maintain stability when trying to get off medication numerous times before) she called her doctor asking for his blessing to go off medication again, just to try. He reminded her of how debilitating her last depressive episode had been and told her that she couldn't afford to risk it. She has children.

Well, amen.

The depressed mother/child relationship could take endless forms but instead of give a list of well researched risk factors and potential disastrous outcomes, I thought it might be more instructive to paint a picture of just one possibility.

Imagine a mother who is too depressed to play with her infant and toddler. She leaves the toddler to learn to entertain herself in a playpen for most waking hours of the day. Playdates are limited because the mother doesn't have the energy for socializing. Because the mother is living in her dark hole, trips to the park are painfully exhausting. She is too depressed to have the reserves to smile and laugh with her young child or to express much affection. Her emotions are so numbed by her depression that she is unable to feel what comes naturally to most mothers, that ever binding attachment to her young child. While she can meet her child's basic physical needs, her depression keeps her from experiencing joy from her interactions with her child.

What happens when a mother cannot experience joy from interactions with her child? She smiles at her less, sings to her less, talks to her less, plays with her less and shows less excitement at each milestone. She doesn't ask much about her child's day in school, is less involved in making social arrangements for her child and she can only stand to do the bare minimum to get through the day. Unlike what happens as par for course in other homes, the child is unable to learn that she is worthy of attention, that she matters, that she is special and loved. She may very well have less active of a social life and poor social skills as compared to her classmates.

As this child grows older, if nothing changes, the emotional bond simply does not grow. Realizing now that she has a different relationship with her mother than other children, she wonders, subconsciously, what she is doing wrong and tries to do better. She may not assert her own opinions or stuff down her feelings all in efforts to earn her mother's approval. She may wonder what she can change in order to earn her mother's love and try to be as perfect as possible, never rocking the boat. She may do whatever she thinks her mom would want her to do, get straight A's, be quiet, not ask for anything, be skinny, etc.

When she realizes that she cannot succeed in earning her mother's attention or love she begins to believe that she must be defective, unlovable and undesirable. She develops her own depression as she realizes that she is powerless to change what is and unable to get the love that she so desparately needs. As a child, she is unable to realize that she is not the cause and her mother's depression is not about her. She may feel lethargic, lonely and chronically sad. She may have outbursts of anger, may rebel or may turn her depression inward, possibly even struggle with thoughts of suicide.

If you are a mother and suffering from depression seek help. Do not create an environment in your home that could breed another generation of people struggling with their own depressions. While you may not be able to control your genetics or what you give to your children via genetics, there are no excuses for allowing yourself to succumb to depression. Get help.

I am not her mother, but I play one on TV

2011-09-02T09:33:00.006-04:00

I have still have not gotten accustomed to this idea that I have had a daughter for going on 14 months who is not legally my daughter. In fact, 14 months in, I can't say, "this is my daughter." It reminds me of that commercial, "I am not a doctor, but I play one on TV."

Only, it sure feels real. CD thinks it's all real. She has no memories of a mother, father, siblings, home or life other than the one she has had since she was 17 months old. At moments, it still boggles my mind.

CD's mother remains a person who hasn't actually parented her in 14 months. And, once again, she has disappeared from CD's life, not coming to visit for the last four weeks.

In the meantime, we've been busy living our family life. We had a very nice vacation when we rented a lake house and had an opportunity to boat, swim and laze around. We came back to be greeted by Irene. We lost power, our basement flooded, our phone and internet went down and we still need to boil our water in order to drink it. Our washing machine won't drain as something must be plugging up our drainage system. I am grateful that it wasn't worse as it was so much worse for so many but it's been annoying to deal with in the midst of getting the kids ready for school with their multitude of appointments and shopping needs. J grew 3 inches in the last few months, he needs a whole new wardrobe.

CD is thriving and learning to assert herself in all sorts of ingenious and creative ways. On vacation, for example, we attended a magic performance as part of a museum tour. Not wanting to stay in the theater, CD told her Daddy, "I no want it," to which my husband said, "we have to be quiet, just a few more minutes." My genius little girl has it all figured out. "I NO WANT IT!" She screamed loudly enough that my husband had no choice but to leave the theater with her. She is a smart little kid and knows exactly what she is doing. I tell her no candy, she drags a chair to reach it for herself. She doesn't want a shirt on, she can take it off by herself. She has something she knows she shouldn't, she has learned to run and hide with it. Ahhh. . .two year olds ;)

What CD is up to now. . .

2011-08-17T08:55:00.004-04:00

There is something about watching CD develop that is just extraordinarily joyful for me. Perhaps its because I haven't had a toddler in so many years. Perhaps, as my Israeli friend mentioned (using a Hebrew phrase), it is because she is a baby I had in old age (I am 38 today, not sure if that qualifies as old age, but it is older than the 24 I was when J was born).

So I marvel when she gets up on the coffee table, spreads out her arms and says, "ready?" as she is about to put on a performance. Her performances are usually sing-a-longs in which she runs directly through the alphabet, twinkle, twinkle little star, Old McDonald, You are my Sunshine and somehow back to the alphabet again.

I marvel at the way, at two and a half, she has become her own little person with her unique personality that we can see unfolding every day. She is a little Mommy and assistant teacher. When her classmate misbehaved yesterday and started throwing her shoes in the garbage, CD apparently used a play phone to call the child's mother. At home, if her brother falls asleep on the couch, she covers him with a blanket, gives him a stuffed animal and pats him on the back. This morning when she asked, "Where J go" and I told her that he was sleeping and he is sick, she let me know that I should take him to the doctor.

I love the ways she gets excited to go in the backyard with my husband in search of bunnies and "big bugs." I love the way we can have an entire conversation while driving in the car about the birds she sees and her thoughts about them.

CD: Look mommy, I see birds in sky

Me: Yes, I see them too. How many birds are there?

CD: So many birds. I like it the birds. Fly in sky. With wings.

Me: That's right. I know you like the birds.

CD: They pretty Mommy. Sarah (her teacher) like it the birds too. David (her friend) like it the birds too.

Me: Are you going to tell Sarah about the birds when we get to school?

CD: I tell Sarah

Really, it is riveting from my point of view. She makes me laugh, she makes me smile. I am so incredibly lucky to have her in my life for another birthday.

*thank you to readers who write asking for updates when I haven't posted in a while. To answer the questions, no, CD's mother has not come for any more visits since my last post. No other news. Our next court date is in October.

Our tax dollars pay for this charade

2011-08-05T08:19:00.002-04:00

No one who knows anything about R, her history or the case involving her neglect and endangerment of CD actually believes that R, after now over a year, will magically meet the criteria that the State is waiting for in order to reunify her with her daughter. The case manager doesn't, the case manager's supervisor doesn't, the law guardian doesn't. No one. They have all told me that they wish we could just adopt her.

The judge leaving CD to be with us for another 3 months until the next court date speaks to the judge's lack of confidence that there is any possibility that R will magically change all the circumstances that led to her first child's removal and now her second child's. He is just killing time, time which will lead a bonding assessment expert to be able to definitively write, "the foster parents are CD's psychological family and losing them would be more harmful to CD than would be terminating the rights of the biological mother."

This is all one big expensive charade.

We get a check to support CD. CD has Medicaid for her medical bills. Her daycare is mostly paid for (the rest we pay for out of the money we get from the State to support her). Her mother is getting train tickets to visit her. She is also getting services that take up 3 days of her week. There are four workers involved in overseeing CD's case, coming to our home and checking to see that we are maintaining a good life for CD. CD's mother gets a public defender. The judge and all the staff at the court get paid.

How much does having CD in the system cost the taxpayers?

I am all for government intervention for the sake of keeping children safe from abuse and neglect. I will gladly add my taxes into the pot in order for that to happen. Done. The government did that and saw this through both while CD was living with her bio mother and then for a year after she was removed, watching as R sat and did nothing to even see her daughter for the first ten months and now show up every now and then in the last two.

This is just absurd.

If everyone involved in this process believes that R has already shown that she lacks an ability to be a stable parent to CD, what are we doing? There is already an adoption plan in place. In this plan the State would no longer have to cut checks, Medicaid would not be needed, the public defender would not need to defend a woman who won't even show to court for a permanency hearing and all of the workers could move on to oversee cases in which they are needed. CD would have a forever family. No one would have to worry about her safety and security ever again.

Workers come to our house to be able to write on some paperwork that they came. They do nothing while they are at our house, unless seeing CD's room and looking in our refrigerator counts for anything. They chit chat and tell us how cute CD is, how attached to us all she seems, how nice her room is and what a good job we are doing. Does anyone really need another two years of this?

Who really cares how long it takes though? Does the judge? do the workers? Why would they? It doesn't harm them, take away their peace of mind. We are an easy family to deal with, we ask for nothing and CD is thriving so why not drag this out 'til kingdom come?

Adjusting to new realities at month 13

2011-08-04T16:14:00.003-04:00

This is going to go on forever.

I bump into people who want to know if "the adoption is final." If I had a nickle for every time I had to explain that not only is it not final, but CD is not free for adoption and likely won't be for the foreseeable future, I could retire with enough money to send 20 kids through college.

So here we are on our first of what I expect will be numerous three month extensions. CD's mother came for one visit, missed two Mondays and is visiting with CD right now though the visit will be short as R was 35 minutes late. R missed an intake appointment two or three times with an agency that is supposed to oversee visitation, so they are still visiting at the System office which is not exactly set up for this purpose. She is being partially compliant. It seems partially is what will keep this thing going, but not progressing in any direction (reunification or adoption) for as long as the judge decides to keep it this way. CD's mother won't be granted increased visitation unless she comes regularly.

Today was a good hand off though. CD understands that she will have a good time with Mommy R and that then she will come home to us. She isn't afraid anymore and Mommy R gently approached as CD, once again, hugged me and said, "my mommy" to R. R responded, that's right, she is your Mommy. I gave R some recent pictures and encouraged CD to show Mommy R the pictures and to show her the toys that I packed for the visit. It went well. I felt like a professional foster mom.

Whatever. It sucks.

Reality is, this isn't going to be over anytime soon, so I am just going to have to go with it. I once thought, due to misleading information during training, that there was a set time the System keeps to as to not suspend children in a state of limbo. Well, apparently that was bull and accepting how this is really going to work is my new reality. Fuming about how stupid reality is just makes me want to eat junk food. No point in going down that road, certainly not with all the hard work I have been doing at the gym.

A message from Mommy R to me via the case manager

2011-07-25T10:47:00.002-04:00

On Friday, CD's mom, R, came for a psychological assessment. While she was in the area, the case manager called and asked if I could bring CD to see her mom. CD had a chance to see her mom for the first time this month. It is amazing how much CD has grown up. I met the case manager outside of the office building where the visit was going to take place. At first CD cried and said, "no, I stay with Mommy" but after I handed her over to Ms. B (the case manager) and told her a few times that she is ok and how happy Mommy R will be to see her and how when she is done playing with Mommy R, Ms. B would take her in the car back to Mommy and Z, she stopped crying.

The visit went well. R is very good at engaging CD and now that CD can trust that she will be ok with Mommy R and will be returned back to the family she knows, she is less anxious. It is wonderful to see that the visits are becoming less difficult for CD, even if she doesn't see R for a few weeks between them. Later, when at home, I was on the phone with my husband telling him that CD had a last minute visit with R, CD thought I was on the phone with R and said, "Hi R!"

When Ms. B arrived back at my house after the visit, she told me that R is losing or has lost her relationship with her boyfriend. Because she is dependent on her boyfriend for her current housing, R may be looking at losing her home as well as the support and stability that she has enjoyed for the last few months. R had told Ms. B to tell me that no matter what happens in this case, she wants my family to always be in CD's life. She told Ms. B to tell me that she knows that we have been doing a great job with CD and that CD loves her "Mommy" and especially Z. CD must have talked about us at the visit. R wants us to visit, take her on vacations, etc.

I know that this does not have any real concrete relevance but I am so glad to know that not only is R not resentful of the role that we are playing in CD's life, but she appreciates that we have been good for CD. I think it says a lot about R's character that she can step outside what must be a tremendous amount of pain for her, and still express that she wants what is good for CD. She likely wants CD to have something that she didn't have. Having been in the System herself as a child in foster care, she knows what it is to want a loving, safe and stable family in her life.

In turn, I told Ms. B to let R know that if it works out that we retain custody of CD, that we would be happy to arrange through an agency or attorney some kind of updates for her so that she doesn't have to be completely cut off from CD. There is no reason that if it is of comfort to R, that we can't send pictures, videos, art projects, etc. for her to have. I would even consider a semi-open adoption as long as it works well with CD's development and R is stable enough for it to be a positive relationship for both of them. My husband is not sure how he feels about that, but it is premature to even make plans in that regard. Adoption isn't what it was when I was growing up. Open and semi open adoption (click here to read about semi open adoptions), for domestic adoptions at least, are quite common and the psychological literature seems to support them as being in the best interest of the adoptee as well as the biological and adoptive parents. Again, premature to really think about that though.

So, we've regrouped and our family realizes that we are likely in for a much longer time period before anything is resolved than we had expected. But we are ok. CD is doing well, her interactions with R are positive and I am trusting that in the long run, the decisions that will be made in court will ultimately be good for CD. After reading some of the judge's decisions, I have come to choose to believe that if CD does not stay with us, it is only because she and her bio mother have redeveloped a strong bond and R is doing well enough to truly be a good mother to CD.

Learning a bit about my judge

2011-07-22T11:12:00.003-04:00

Fortunately for me, my dad is an attorney. This means that he knew how to do a little research on the judge on CD's case. He was able to send me some of the decisions he authored in which he terminated parental rights when the decisions were appealed. Another attorney friend told me that he found, in his research, that every single determination for termination that this judge made has been affirmed at appeal. What this means, is that at least he does it the way other judges like it done. The other judges find him very thorough.

From reading the decisions I learned quite a bit. For example, I have been very concerned about how prolonged this has all been and what it would be like for a two year old, now securely attached to our family, to be taken after a year and a half or potentially longer to start over and develop an attachment to her biological mother whom she has seen 6 times in 12 months. In fact, just the other day, the case worker criticized the System as she believes that this doesn't even seem to matter in the decisions of the judges.

Front and center in our judge's decision were the results of a bonding evaluation. In the evaluation, because the biological mother took 15 months to complete her MICA program, she had lost her bond with her twin toddlers. The expert advising the court, after assessing the relationships between the twins and their foster parents as well as their relationships with their bio mother, explained that the foster parents had become the "psychological parents" of the children. The expert argued that removal from their psychological parents (foster parents who wanted to adopt them) would cause more harm to the children than losing their bio mother.

The decision was filled with information from experts, he did not rely on any one mental health professional. He did not rely on the findings of any one program therapist or case manager. He didn't come to the termination decision until two years into the case but when he did, he left no room for a court of appeals to find fault with his ruling.

So I learned that this judge has done this before. His decisions stand up in a court of appeals every time. He cares about the prolonged absence of a biological parent from a young child's life. He appreciates the harm it could do to remove a child from his or her psychological family and does not feel that biology always trumps psychology when it comes to what makes a "family."

It looks like we can expect another year if not years before anything is resolved. However, I now have at least some confidence that from a legal sense, our judge knows how to make a decision that will stand. He will also not do what many of us feel is done to kids in foster care. He will not simply treat them as the property of the biological parent. I can have confidence that in his decision making process he will consider what is in the best interest of CD.

What I learned about behind the scenes at the hearing - aka for cripes sake!

2011-07-21T09:29:00.003-04:00

Last night, CD's case manager, Ms. B., came for her monthly visit. She came with a coworker. I am learning that when you talk to any new person in the System, you will be given different information and different advice. In this case, the worker that we had never met suggested that we consult with an attorney.

Since my husband and I (with Z observing from the back) are only entitled to be in the court room to give a statement and answer questions, we are not entitled to observe the rest of the hearing. Ms. B. filled us in on much of what else occurred in the hearing. I also called the law guardian this morning to discuss some of my concerns and see what she had to say.

I learned that the System writes their court reports three weeks prior to court hearings. This means that the latest report submitted to the judge was written after a five week time period in which R had been consistently visiting as well as participating in all of her programs. As a result of R's progress, the report submitted to court recommended that R be given more time to work toward reunification with termination of parental rights and adoption as a back up plan. Ms. B. admitted that if the court report had included the month of July when R missed all of her visits as well as an intake for a supervised visitation program, the System would have recommended termination. But, you know, the court reports have to be submitted three weeks in advance. Yeah. Whatever.

In court, having only been told that the System would be seeking termination at the Permanency Hearing, my husband told the judge that we were prepared to and would love to adopt CD. He came to court prepared to now be a person of interest to the judge, ready and willing to discuss adoption plans for CD. Now we know why the judge said to him that it is "premature."

Unbeknown to us, the System had recommended the extension and no one bothered to tell us! My husband was pissed. He didn't need to be in court for a hearing that was simply a continuation of what was. He should have been at work and saved a precious day off to spend on vacation with the family. He was pissed that with all my communications with the workers and the year long relationships that we have built with those responsible for CD's life, that there was no heads up. We recognize, that we, as foster parents, are really nothings in this process and have no legal rights. However, common courtesy could have been extended. We know that the case worker and law guardian don't just do their jobs for a pay check. They genuinely care about CD. My husband being pissed triggered my calling the law guardian this morning.

Here's another bombshell. Though this new judge has had this case since February, he has yet to have read the file. When R spoke to the judge from a phone in the court room she said that she missed a mandated appointment because she was dealing with an issue regarding her son. Despite the file including information regarding R's history of the System's involvement with her first child and the ultimate decision for the child's father to take full custody of him a number of states away, he said, "what? there is another child?" The judge then ordered the full file on the complaint again R related to her first child. Let me tell you, this does not give me a whole lot of faith in this judge. Prior System involvement with an elder sibling is a key piece of information. How was the judge so unaware?

I'll save the conversation that I had with the law guardian for the next post. This one has gotten too long already.

Permanency Hearing is over

2011-07-20T16:15:00.002-04:00

The first thing that I found out while waiting for our court hearing is that R would not be showing for court today. Apparently her boyfriend's sister's car, the car she also relies on for visits, has broken down. That must be some crappy brand new shiny red Ford SUV.

In conversation with the law guardian prior to the hearing, I next found out that though R has not been coming for her visits this month, she has been attending all of her therapeutic programs. The law guardian predicted that the judge would rule that the System have a concurrent plan now, which would mean that the System would both continue to make attempts to promote reunification while also starting the process toward Termination of Parental Rights.

When I was trained, I was told that this concurrent plan occurred at the six month mark. I was told that after six months, CD would have been moved from our care if we were not a potential adoptive home. The law guardian apparently had not attended foster parent training where we were told this stuff. During training we were also told that the System has advanced and after being 15 out of 22 months in foster care, the process of termination of parental rights begins as this is a maximum amount of time allowed. We were told that the System no longer allows children to live in this kind of limbo. I was corrected on this by the law guardian. Apparently this is just a suggestion. Kids can languish in foster care for a long time, even in 2011, if the court does not like the suggestion. Other foster/adoptive parents and those in the know tried to tell me this.

So, when my husband made a statement to the judge as to our desire to adopt CD, he was told by the judge that it was "premature" but "thank you for helping the family." Premature? With R gone completely for the first ten months of CD's placement with us and with the System asking us over and over about our commitment to adopting CD, it is "premature?"

Well, apparently it now is. With the first 17 months of CD's life of neglect and endangerment (at best) followed by 10 more months of pure abandonment and the last three months of inconsistent visitation, it is premature to even discuss the possibility of CD not being raised by biological mother in a court of law.

The System will now be giving R train tickets so that she can make the visits. First, I don't understand why this wasn't done before and second, why is it ok for R to buy gifts for CD from an expensive amusement park but ok to not show up for the PERMANENCY HEARING because she doesn't have the money for a train ticket?? How is she going to care for CD if she needs to take her to the doctor and doesn't have money to get her there?

Oh, R did talk to the judge on the phone during the hearing but the call was dropped before she could respond as to why she missed this week's visit.

So the judge decided to continue the System goal of reunification in the next three to six months. The law guardian was wrong. The next court date is not for another 3 months. The judge is in no rush to resolve anything or make any permanent plans for CD's life. Unless he is the only person on Earth that has some insider information and can predict that R, against all odds, will be ready to be CD's parent in a few months.

Obviously, I was hoping for something to happen today. Really, nothing happened, just an extension of the same with lots of excuses being accepted and more time for CD to be without a plan for her future. What a System.

24 hours left until the Permanency Hearing. . .

2011-07-19T10:17:00.004-04:00

CD has been a part of our family for 363 days today. Tomorrow the judge will determine whether the State's goal should continue to be reunification with her birth mother or if the goal should be officially changed to adoption by us.

CD's mother missed last week's visit as well as the visit the week before that. I was sure that she would come for her yesterday's Monday visit. She confirmed last week and it would have been the last visit before this somewhat monumental court hearing. She didn't come. Perhaps her saying goodbye to CD with, "be good for Mommy" really was goodbye afterall. I don't know.

Z will be coming to court with us this week. He is between summer programs and home at Camp Mommy. Since my husband and I are only allowed to go into the court room to make a statement, we are allowing it. I have requested that J's sleep away camp allow an otherwise not permitted phone call for tomorrow as J really wants to talk to us after the hearing.

I know that this hearing will not make anything over or resolved but if the goal is turned over to adoption, it will be quite a day for us. I am curious as to whether CD's birth mother will be at the hearing. I wonder what she wants at this point or if she even knows what she wants.

The closer things get. . .

2011-07-14T12:27:00.004-04:00

The other day, an experienced foster/adoptive parent and tweep of mine, @tubaville said, "the closer these things get, the further away they seem."

@tubaville captured how I was feeling that day. I was feeling down after a conversation with a fellow foster parent earlier that day. Her foster son and CD both attend the same daycare. Her foster son's biological mother was absent from the time of his birth until post Permanency Hearing, 15 months in total. She reappeared *after* the permanency goal became adoption. When the biological mother reappeared, she was also pregnant with twins. I was very discouraged to learn that after all of that, the judge in that case ordered a Bonding Evaluation (click to learn what that is)! I've got to say, I couldn't believe the absurdity of that court order. I have done bonding evaluations in custody cases. Who expects a quality bond between a fifteen month old and a biological mother that he has never met?? Ridiculous!

The foster mother said, "ugh, those permanency hearings mean nothing."

Great. And here I was hoping that this hearing would be some kind of indicator of what there is to come. Another year, I know. We have another year of all this before an adoption would happen, if an adoption is going to happen. Which I think it will. Most of the time.

I would love for a Bonding Evaluation to be ordered for CD. Why don't we put her in the middle of a room with myself and R and see to whom she is more closely bonded? I think that is a great way to spend taxpayer money. We wouldn't want a judge to make a decision until he was sure that CD is more closely bonded with the woman with whom she has spent the last 12 months of her life.

So, while we celebrate one year of having CD in our lives, we are no where near having anything resolved and it looks like next week's court date may just be one more hoop to jump through with countless hoops still ahead.

I am grateful every day that CD knows nothing of what is happening around her. She is busy with her little friends, her spray bottles, baby pool and walking around in Mommy's shoes with her little red toe nails ("polish like Mommy!").

Oh, and R cancelled today's visit. She can't make it. I can't say I have shed any tears over it.