Frank

Illness is a B...

2009-08-13T16:35:00.000-07:00

July 19th 2009 I was admitted to the ER for abdominal pain. A week later with pain meds & Prilosec in hand I was released with no actual diagnosis. After a week on the synthetic but very strong narcotic Dilaudid my GI pain was better though severe withdrawal symptoms were around the corner. After 5 days of emotional pain as severe as my GI pain, I was better. Then the abdominal pain started again.

I've had a colonoscopy, endoscopy, enema x-ray, regular x-ray, ultra-sound, MRI & 2 CT scans. Turns out I don't have an ulcer, IBS, appendix issues or anything obvious from the tests I've had. H-pylori was negative among other things and no one has given me anything but guesses in the nine doctor appointments I've had since being out of the hospital. One doctor did not guess. He just shrugged his shoulders & said "I don't know" while shaking my hand.

Meanwhile the pain is getting bad again. It seems as my period gets closer, my GI pain increases. Tuesday night was so bad I almost went back to the ER again. Today I awoke with the usual stabbing pain as well as a burning sensation. My upper GI is not happy. Eating makes the pain worse yet I'm so hungry because all I can eat are 2 or 3 very small meals a day. For instance today the time is now 4:50pm & all I've had is 2 rice milk steamers & 1 fried egg.

A Google search may lead me to some answers (gawd I love that search engine!). In the hospital it was mentioned as a possible theory that my pain may be coming from my endometriosis. My gynocologist wanted me to see what my GI specialist had to say before I looked into the possible endo connection. I guess there may be a test or two left to try & diagnose a GI specific issue (one involves swallowing a tiny camera) but my gut (ha ha) tells me that endo may be a the root of this issue. I used the key words endometriosis & GI to see what would pop up. Intestinal endometriosis was at the crux of the links.

This is some of what I found on a particular website.
"Women with intestinal Endometriosis very often have symptoms but, in most cases, the correct diagnosis is not made. In order to diagnose intestinal Endometriosis, it is necessary to ask the right questions. When the proper questions are asked, the diagnosis is easy. The diagnosis is usually made by history, because x-rays of the intestines do not show it and other studies such as colonoscopy do not show it either. Laparoscopy may or may not demonstrate implants on the bowel wall but you have to know where to look for them."

"A woman with intestinal Endometriosis will tell me that she has significant GI symptoms that vary with her menstrual cycle. The symptoms may be present only at the time of the menstrual period or they may be present all month long and worsen at the time of the period. The most common symptoms include loss of appetite, nausea (but vomiting is rare), diarrhea, increased gas, significant bloating, crampy abdominal pain, painful bowel movements, and sharp stabbing rectal pain. Many women also complain of constipation that seems to vary with the menstrual cycle. Unexplained iron-deficiency anemia may also be a clue to the presence of intestinal Endometriosis. Menstrually associated rectal bleeding is diagnostic of intestinal Endometriosis."

All but one symptom I had the day I went into the hospital and most of these symptoms I get every month. Why was July 19th so much worse? It would be great if someone knew. What would be best off all is if an expert who knew their shit & gave a shit could tell me what's wrong. Intestinal endo is just my own personal guess at this point. There are still other possibilities for the illness such as spastic colon or hirshsprung disease. But the caveat is the pain gets worse as my period gets closer. So WTF can I do but endure the pain while counting my many blessings such as good insurance (my $22,000 hospital stay was covered completely), a great spouse and support from my friends & co-workers. Oh and I can keep the faith that this crap won't last and an answer & proper treatment will come to pass.

Here's another good link on intestinal endo. May we all have good health!
~F

Why Are You Not Blogging Anymore?

2009-07-19T23:49:00.000-07:00

I get this question a lot lately. Usually my answer is there is no time as I'm busy with trying to keep up with house work, a relationship and getting my arse back to school. That answer is only partly true though.

I guess I'd say my percentage of self importance has gone down a few points in the last several months. Do I really need to tell people about my various & sundry thoughts? Is anyone reading said thoughts anyway? Facebook has, like many others, sucked me in. Yes apparently I am a follower & and am slowly scooting my way towards the great technological slaughter that is social media applications. So with FB & Twitter & YouTube or as Conan O'Brian called all of it YouTwitFace, why bother blogging anymore. It feels antiquated & pedantic at this point. Perhaps this feeling is part of the process. That a pairing down of thoughts to a few catchy characters on web page that our cherished ones rely on for updates is better than reading the random diatribes of that one crazy cousin or a socially inept childhood friend.

Keeping with the truth here I have to also mention that on FB I have an immediate audience. I post a little something something & boom... within minutes I get thumbs up and comments. Meaning I get immediate attention. And yes the old character defect of attention seeking remains in this more spiritually integrated body & mind. More importantly I get attention from people I actually like. Generally I don't have to worry about comments from some anonymous mean person hiding behind the e-curtain just waiting to take my words & my liberal ass down a peg. Worse than that though is that on FB I know someone there sees what I have to say & even if I don't always get the attention that drives a woman like me, I know they know that I am alive. Here on my blog I could write the most brilliant insights, share the best recipes, invoke an old, evil Scottish entity and no one would know. And by gosh my genius must be acknowledged!

Tongue & cheek aside a break has been needed. What will happen to Frank is beyond my knowing in the moment. Today I redesigned the look & that may bring new vigor to my blogging. I just don't know what to say on here anymore. Politics are so very draining and my blogging past is that of a mainly political blogger. My very life I could share here, but who cares? I'm just not that interesting (even if I'd like to think so). What else is there? News? Well that just goes back to politics. Okay maybe recipes or photos or spiritual insights or jokes or all of the above? But again who cares?

For now I guess I'll just take this blog one post at a time and see if some kind of agenda or theme comes. Until then feel free to find me on Facebook. Just look for Fransky.
Peace.
~F

Why Did I Just Say That?

2009-07-13T12:27:00.000-07:00

Coworker walking by me: "Something smells really good!"
Me: "It's my butt!"

So

2009-04-06T14:27:00.000-07:00

So folks I'm not quite sure what happened. I mean at times I've had stints where I felt I had very little to blog about but lately I just can't find any reason to blog about anything. Perhaps I'm tired of seeing myself write about myself. Maybe I'm not in the mood to quantify my experiences as I'm having them for blogging purposes.

What ever the reason, I'm just not feelin' it lately & I don't feel bad about my lack of desire to blog.

A couple years ago I used to aspire to have a popular weblog. I wanted to make money, be friends with Perez Hilton, & have thousands of hits per day & of course many adoring fans. Eventually a book deal would follow & I would be hobnobbing with the blogging elite & even get laid by hotties of various gender expressions.

Then one day I decided abandon blogging for fame. Then I quit blogging from a mostly political perspective. Then I changed my blog web address & name. And now, well, I just don't even know.

So fans, readers, friends, nay sayers, if I can come up with something I feel a need to blog about I will. But generally these days my main focus is getting my ass back to college, having a groovy marriage & staying true the woman I'm meant to be.

Peace out.
~F

A Cartoon of Me Compliments of John Callahan

2009-03-24T20:13:00.000-07:00

It was an honor to have local but nationally syndicated cartoonist John Callahan spend an hour making cartoon sketches of my face. I'll admit it's hard to know how to pose for a cartoon but it was a pretty easy procedure in comparison of other artists I've posed for. Yes I'm very lucky to have been a muse for several artists & photographers but this time all my clothes stayed on! With out further ado...

xoxo!
~F

1st Anniversary

2009-03-13T14:54:00.000-07:00

Today is my spouses & my 1st anniversary of our domestic partnership. It's been a full year and we have learned much about marriage, unequal rights, compromise and truly being in love.

We have dealt with a few challenges this year and have gotten through it united & even closer. This does not mean we have not have an argument or two, pissed each other off or have needed moments of "me time." All couples do go though "stuff" & Chris Rock really nails some of the unsaid aspects to romance couples go through.

CSI aside I think what I really take away with me on our anniversary is how healing it is to have a solid, supportive lover in my life. Without my beloved this year would have been very different. She held my up at moments & hopefully I did the same for her. She showed me love when I felt broken and yet let me heal myself. That is some powerful stuff!

Only my mom & my partners ex remembered our anniversary. That's okay because we still have a spiritual ceremony coming up & perhaps that will be honored by our loved ones. It's hard that our partnership is not taken as seriously because we are not allowed marriage like our opposite sex peers. It won't break us though. It just makes our connection that much more intimate. We get to retain what Dan Savage calls our quiet dignity. But I want to personally thank my mom for sending a sweet card & honoring the seriousness of our commitment. Thanks!

Well here's a couple pics from this year. I love my girl. She loves me. I look forward to another year living & loving together!
~F

Crazy for "Reality" Television

2009-03-09T21:48:00.000-07:00

I'm not sure how it happened. One day I'm a gal whose primary form of entertainment was reading and the next I'm checking my local newspaper to see when the next episode of For the Love of Ray J (and until the show I didn't know who the heck this Ray J person was either) will air. Because I know y'all really care here is a list of "reality" shows I'm digging on these days.

Donald Trump is a man I kinda love to hate. I've been a fan of his Apprentice themed shows from the beginning, so it is no surprise that I'm hooked on the current Celebrity Apprentice. With stars like Dennis Rodman, Tom Green, T-boz of TLC and Joan Rivers how can one not watch this train wreck? Seeing The Donald tell smarmy Andrew Dice Clay "you're fired" was pure television gold! And the best part is one does not even have to have cable to watch this crap!

Now cable may be the way to go if you love shows that combine timed challenges, food & bitchy critics. Chopped is a show on the Food Network and the best word to describe this show would be intense. Here 4 chefs compete for $10,000 and the challenge is to create dishes in 30 minutes with a basket of random ingredients. A chef is eliminated after each course until two are left to duel it out over a hot stove making some kind of awkward dessert. I seriously am on the edge of my seat nearly hyperventilating whilst watching this program. Highly recommended!

For the Love of Ray J is a big stinky pile of poop & I love it! Okay love is too strong but I enjoy it because it's just pure crap that makes you feel better than the folks you're watching & that is not a good reason to watch a show but really don't we all do that from time to time? I happened across this program while I was sick and that would sum this show up. A big ol' group of horny chicks vie for the heart or sausage of R&B singer Ray J who actually is most known for banging Paris Hilton's big booty-ed friend Kim Kardasian in a sex tape. I know, who cares. But there are some pretty ladies to see, some silly cat fights & one spoiled dude who needs to pull his pants up.

Speaking of hot ladies & cat fights the latest reality show to get your motor running is Candy Girls on E! Now I have not seen the show yet but what I know is that the cast of women are hot hot hot. The ladies depicted in the show are the sexy chicks who appear in music video's and in particular hip hop videos. It looks fun & fabulous, so we'll see if I get hooked or not.

Well enough about my garbage TV habits. Hope you all are doing well!
~F

Do Not Fear Marriage Equality

2009-03-06T17:19:00.000-08:00

"A guarantee of equality that is subject to exceptions by the majority is no guarantee at all."
-Therese Stewart

Most of you won't remember the America that used to be steeped in such prejudice that people of color & whites couldn't each other. 1967 is when laws in the United States finally changed "allowing" interracial marriages. People used the bible among other arguments to justify why some folks were not qualified to marry other folks. Here's more history of miscegenation laws.

What finally changed the racist laws of yore was a vote by the supreme court. What was asked for back in '67 (only 7 years before my interracial parents had me) is being asked for again 42 years later. A great piece by Peggy Pascoe compares current marriage inequality laws to mixed marriage laws. What we all have to ask ourselves is why are we now okay with interracial marriage & not same sex marriage. If the bible was not considered a valid reason to stop citizens from full equality then why should it be used now? Regardless of the validity (or not) of biblical arguments or anything else, what the heck is the main point, purpose & threat to North Americans if all citizens are able to marry?

Will equal marriage make the economy any worse? No. Will equal marriage contribute to the housing crisis? No. Will equal marriage actually do anything to anyone else's family? Again no. Interracial marriage didn't seem to create any chaos among the general population. Did it save mixed race couples from having to deal with prejudice, divorce or in-laws? No. But we all have to deal with that stuff. Thus making interracial couples just like everyone else, completely & thoroughly human.

So let me take this moment to address you Mr. or Ms. or Mrs, anti-gay marriage proponent. Let's stop being so damn afraid. Try believing in a God that will protect you from the oh-so-scary homos and leave them alone! Go out & be of service to the many straight single mothers & fathers out there who need your time and money far more than your whining & fighting to stop adults from just trying to have security for their families. Help the children being abused day after day by their heterosexual parents. Help the non-gays who are lonely & suffering. Do something better for your fellow man than trying to stop Betty & Sue from the Poconos from getting married. There are many heterosexuals that need help. Go find them & do something good!

~F

Because I am Mean & Watched Way Too Much South Park While Sick with the Flu

2009-03-04T13:03:00.000-08:00

I have had this damn song in my head for days. Perhaps you can join me in the misery!
~F

Butters Doing What What in the Butt

2009-03-01T18:30:00.000-08:00

I'm Sick

2009-02-24T11:25:00.000-08:00

I feel like shit so I'll have more on my trip & other what not later. Hope all y'all are good!
~F

A Few Trip Pics

2009-02-21T11:54:00.000-08:00

None of the following actually show North Carolina or the folks I visited there. Instead are some things that stood out in addition to the main reason for my trip (hanging with Ms. H). Please enjoy!I purposly planned my layovers at the Minneapolis airport so I could see my mom for a few minutes. Please note my phone takes less-than-awesome pictures, but you get the idea. Anyway it was really nice to see her for 45 minutes.

Here is one of my friends dogs. Her name is Cagney and she is very lovey & likes her bones & likes to sit on your lap even though she is very much not a puppy.This is Hogan. He is a big ass dog & sweet as pie. He likes to come over to where you are & flod down heavily onto his back so you can scratch his belly. That was the primary focus of our bonding. Now I live in what would be considered the coffee capitol of The U S of A. That being said I love Caribou Coffee. Since we don't have Caribou on the West Coast I had to have a nice fat filled white chocolate mocha on my way back from NC. And yes it was as good as it looks!My spouse & I love nothing more than finding faux Native American crap that white folks peddle. In the Minneapolis airport there was such a store of this type call Spirit of the Red Horse. I mean what can I even add to this photo?

Well more later! Peace!

Gone Fishing!

2009-02-13T13:04:00.002-08:00

I'll be out of town for the next week. Please enjoy this cute pic of my dog Sydney until the 20th.
Peace!
~F

My Cyst and Hairless Armpit

2009-02-06T12:31:00.000-08:00

Yes folks this is a pic of my right armpit. Savor this image because it is a very rare thing to see my pit hairless. I frigging hate shaving my pits! I mean I trim them for sure but I don't like naked armpits on my own body or on the ladies I date. Don't ask why! Moving on from this TMI moment let me explain the cyst part of all this.

Last month I noticed a lump in my right armpit while taking a shower. This is somewhat common as during my menses my lymph nodes in my pits sometimes are swollen. I made a mental note & didn't think about the lump until two weeks later when the lump was still there, even bigger, and I had not bled in over a week or so.

Since I had a gynaecological exam the next week I decided to have my "lady doctor" check it upon my visit. She wasn't quite sure what the deal was & referred me to a surgeon in the same medical building with whom I made an appointment with for a week later.

This Tuesday my surgeon determined I had a benign cyst that needed to be removed sooner than later due to the possibility of infection & promptly removed it. The procedure only took a half on an hour. However after the minor surgery was done I was told not to use my arm for the next three days. In addition I am not to raise my arm above shoulder level for two weeks or take a bath or swim for six weeks.

On valentines I leave for a fairly brief holiday in North Carolina and hope my armpit is well enough to carry my own luggage. Had I known about the after effects of the procedure, I would have waited until I was back from my trip. Ah well. As a friend says "it is what it is."

The first night was pretty painful as armpits are filled with nerves & rather sensitive. The pain went all the way into my hand. I try not to be a sissy but that shit hurt so I allowed myself to take the vicodin my surgeon gave me, but made sure to check in with my sobriety network about it. My partner took charge of meds disposal & so I was safe there. Since then I've needed to take Aleve every eight hours and being that I work with books, my job is a bit compromised right now. But luckily I work with an amazing team of people and we pride ourselves on helping each other out.

Anyway I'm grateful the cyst was no big deal & am grateful to have learned the lesson that it is always better to deal with a medical matter sooner than later. And soon I can get my hairy armpit back & will feel again like the hairy goddess I am!

Cold Pillow

2009-02-01T18:24:00.000-08:00

Just music today. Peace y'all!

Adele & James Morrison Show at the Wonder Ballroom

2009-01-28T13:10:00.000-08:00

Sorry my camera phone is so crappy. I was surrounded by folks with iPhones & other awesome gadgets that took the lovely pictures I couldn't. So whatever. Anyway I had such a great time at last nights show. It was my first time at the Wonder Ballroom & the reviews I read about the place were pretty right on. Surly staff but great venue.

The show itself was even better than expected. Adele's opening act James Morrison was just beautiful to listen to. He reminded my spouse & I of Stevie Wonder, which is a hella big compliment. We plan to get his album on pay day. One nice thing about the space at the Wonder was that we were able to be near the stage but sit on the floor against a wall & just hold each other & listen. It was a really sweet moment!

Adele just plum rocked it! She makes her singing look so effortless. Her voice is so strong, triumphant even, despite being able to tell she is still off the heels of her teen years. At only 20 Adele has accomplished what many performers take years to craft, humor, ease, vulnerability & confidence.

Though my birthday was in December, the show was a b-day present from my beloved. What a truly wonderful gift!
~F

Guess What? If You're Queer in Oregon You Get to Do Extra Paperwork! Yay for Separate and Not so Equal!

2009-01-26T17:03:00.000-08:00

Boy I really thought I did a good job this year. With my taxes that is. Many years ago I used to wait until the last minute to complete my taxes because I dislike paperwork. When it began to dawn on me that usually I get hundreds of dollars back for just filling out some forms, I started to love doing my taxes. This year I finished my taxes before my W2 even arrived at my home thanks to my employer having a program that allows us to see our W2's right after the new year. I gave myself a pat on the back for being a good citizen, put a fabulous magenta wool dress coat on lay-a-way and proceeded to feel like a fairly mature lady.

Then I read a recent Just Out article over the weekend about how domestic partners in Oregon must file state taxes together. This wouldn't have bothered me really except for two things:

I had already completed my taxes & now have to complete an amended form
My spouse & I have to file our federal taxes as single and our state forms as married or RDP's (Registered Domestic Partners). This means we have fill out two federal forms, one "legit" one as single and one "as if" form that we use for our state taxation.

Confused yet? Even the CEO of our company location and her partner didn't know about this, so I guess I'm not the only one.

Needless to say as someone who is not a fan of filling out forms, this sucks. It also proves without a doubt that legalized same sex partnerships are not equal in the state of Oregon (or anywhere else for that matter including Massachusetts, Vermont, New Jersey, etc) because those of us who need basic protections for our family have to not only do extra paperwork, but to add insult to injury, call ourselves single on one form and "married" on another when we know we are the latter. It's rude & mean and I seriously doubt married heterosexuals would ever put up with this bullshit. So why the hell are we?

It's the "I'll take what I can get" mindset for me on this issue I guess. At least my love and I can have some protections in state (let's not forget the minute we go out of state we no longer can legally claim one another) and for that I would fill out a thousand forms. That doesn't mean however that we should have to simply because we love each other. This inequality makes me want to do a hunger strike on the capitol steps or something else really out there. We shouldn't have to be treated this way, like there is something wrong with us so we need to fill out an extra form just to be included in society.

I never asked to be queer. I never asked to feel such love for another woman. I cannot change my heart and I shouldn't have to. And I won't, no matter how many times I have to be made to feel less than by our government. I just won't!

New forms are on the way from good ol' uncle Sam. I'll fill out the extra forms with my spouse and know it means we're protected and I'll be happy about that. I'll also remember that our fight for full equality is not over and that together, my love & I will are stronger than any kind of legalized discrimination.
~F

Mistakes & Forgiveness. FSS

2009-01-25T14:36:00.000-08:00

Forgiveness. I have not always been very good at it, especially in forgiving myself. Being a recovering perfectionist I understand how defeating it can be to not allow oneself or others to make mistakes. Author Hara Marano noted in last April's Psychology Today magazine that "Success hinges less on getting everything right than on how you handle getting things wrong."
This means that getting everything right isn't nearly as important as how we react to getting things wrong, because eventually we will make a mistake.

As many Portlanders & now folks around North America know, current mayor Sam Adams has made some very terrible mistakes in the last few years. Having a sexual relationship with a just turned 18 year old intern was possibly a mistake. It certainly was not helpful to the young man who has drifted along in his early adulthood without true guidance that he should have had. Instead of actually mentoring this young man he was a lover & then perhaps a friend, but not someone who was deemed worth helping to become his own best self. That was certainly a mistake on Sam Adams part.

Mr Adam's reaction to being questioned about his relationship with the young man is where the really wrong turn came. Here is a quote in Just Out from yours truly about that: “What gets me is not just that Sam lied, but the elaborate concoction of that lie... He wrote a letter to the city saying he was a target of a smear. He said he was a mentor. He said he was innocent of an attack against his character and his sexuality. How dare he use his orientation as a tool of deceit.”

If Mr. Adams had just flatly denied the allegations or even gave a none of your beeswax type response the initial possible error (I say possible because shagging someone who is freshly 18 by an older adult is not always great but certainly not always bad) wouldn't have been such a big deal. Instead though Sam Adams wrote a letter to the city disparaging the people who had brought fourth the information about his relationship, coached the young man on how to lie about there affair & get his own staff & possible hire more staff to keep the story under wraps.

Mr. Adams reaction to his mistake was to make several more mistakes & too boot use the excuse of being a mentor to the young man as a cover for his relationship. This is what, as a queer woman, hurts the most. We in the LGBTQ community already have the whole predator stigma to contend with as it is. So using mentoring as an excuse just makes our work with youngsters appears that much more precarious. Yes, I am disgusted by such a painful lie.

That being said, I am working on forgiveness of Sam Adams and after careful thought I believe he should remain Portland's mayor. The one caveat is that if it is the case that Mr. Breedlove & Adams were lovers before Breedlove was 18, then obviously Sam would need to step down.

Portland is a great city & I believe we can forgive him and move on. It will be a scar on the collective heart of the city, but a city is comprised of many wounds, that eventually heal. We can take a cue from his behavior & remember within ourselves to be honest about our mistakes & hold ourselves accountable without being slaves to ego and self destruction. We can open our arms to his wisdom, keeping in mind our hearts may take a little longer to open again. We can let him try to regain our trust, but keep one eye open to the possibly of more pain. He has wronged over & over. Yet I know of no human who hasn't & thus we must learn to forgive.

The Campaign for Love & Forgiveness has some really wonderful resources to work through the process of forgiveness. An e-card can be sent to Sam Adams telling him you forgive him here (please note you have to have an account with Portlandonline.com). You can do a very helpful online ritual to let go of someone or something that you need to forgive here. And lastly you can learn to forgive yourself & make peace with the past. Here are Fred Luskin's nine steps to self forgiveness.

Peace
~F

Sam Adams. WTF?

2009-01-19T22:26:00.000-08:00

If you live in Portland you probably know by now about our "gay mayor's" relationship with a former intern of his and how Mr. Adams totally lied about the nature of his involment with said intern. Dear gawd almighty! Gay Rights Watch has a great post that really summed up my feelings for the most part. Okay so let's try to figure this out shall we...

Sam didn't start banging his intern until said intern was legal. As in 18 years old.

Sam lied & got his undies in a twist when he was "accused" of misconduct.

He got elected & tells the public about this now.

As my pal Lisa would say about this one... it is what it is. But I can't help but feel a little scammed. Oh why Sam why must interns be so hawt?!?!
~F

A New and Improved Inner Voice. Franks Sunday Service

2009-01-18T15:15:00.000-08:00

Last night my spouse & I were reading various sections from the book Alternative Cures by Bill Gottlieb. There was a section for procrastination. I did not know that was a medical condition but I guess procrastination can lead to stress & stress can lead to many physical issues, so there you go. Anyway there was a little highlighted section about changing the way a person's inner voice sounds to halt procrastination.

The idea was that if you have an inner voice that is loud, angry & critical, to instead change that voice to a soft, sweet & even sexy voice that is more suggestive of following though on whatever the next step may be, rather than be berated by an pissy voice that can stop one from progress.

This suggestion got me thinking. I decided to put it to use today. This week I have been a bit lazy about praying because of a lot of home improvement projects. So this morning I allowed a sweet, happy voice to merely suggest I consider praying because I like to. It totally worked.

I'm going to work with this whole kinder, gentler inner voice & see what happens. It's better than beating my self up mentally for sure & may help me balance a bit better. We'll see!

P.S. To H. I love you!
~F

Baby Talk

2009-01-16T17:39:00.000-08:00

Okay so my tirade is over & I'm ready to stop acting like a baby about having babies. Thanks to those you you who commented & sent me emails on my last post (rant). I guess I just got overwhelmed for a moment wondering if I was missing out on something.

The truth is that yes, someday I'd like to be a mom. Do I actually care about birthing a baby? No. It really doesn't matter in the slightest. I don't have a physical or emotional attachment to getting pregnant or carrying a child to term. Adoption really seems like a far more exciting option. Not because I believe in that whole overpopulation idea. I don't. If folks on this planet utilized resources properly, there would be no issue getting the basics to all people. The reason adoption feels better to me is because so many children need homes & loving families. For me giving adoption a try is a true labor of love, because it means giving up that whole bloodline attachment & embracing a situation with potentially more complications. It's also more likely to be easier for me to do as my spouse isn't able to reproduce with me & I have medical issues that make getting pregnant much more difficult.

For those of you who have had babies or are currently pregnant, I am happy for you! Being a parent is the most important job on the planet & anyone who makes the commitment to parent their own children are truly amazing. I guess I just felt a little jealous and wished to be ready to parent. The truth is I'm not. There are things I still want to deal with before children enter the picture such as financial stability and having health concerns resolved. A few more years & my partner & I will most likely be ready for all the joy & weirdness that comes with parenthood. But today is not the day.

Just for today I'm happy to be an aunt, a godmother, a friend, a pet owner & though not a mom yet, well on my way to being the woman I am meant to be, the woman I want my children to know & love. I believe in that destiny & will continue to work towards it. Peace y'all!
~F

Why the Heck...

2009-01-12T22:39:00.000-08:00

is everyone pregnant lately. Good gawd I'm getting a bit tired of it. Where's my baby. I want one. Gosh darn if I hear one more "I'm pregnant" I'm seriously going to freak out!

In one month:

A friend has had a baby
3 co-workers came out pregnant
One of my longest best friends is preggers
A family member guilted me about not providing grandchildren for them
A friend of one of my other best friends is pregnant

WTF?!?!?!

I hate being 34!

I Love being Married!

2009-01-11T21:43:00.000-08:00

Don't throw up! I know it can be really pleasing or really gross to hear (read) how in love people are. So if you think you may be grossed out by this post, stop reading now.

In a way it's hard to write this post & remember that legally, my spouse & I are technically not married under the laws eyes. It hurts to think about. My heart actually feels the unfairness of ignorance & misunderstanding. Regardless of the lack of adherence to the U.S. Constitution by most states, it doesn't take away from what is in our hearts & the bond my spouse & I share. And at least we some legal protections. Some being the key word.

In March of 2008 my partner & I became domestically partnered. We had had to wait until a legal mess untangled & Oregon allowed same sex couples to have state protections. Once that happened we decided to wait until the planet Mercury was out of retrograde (seriously!).

It was a regular spring afternoon in Portland. This means it was chilly & raining. My love's birthday was a mere 6 days away but she didn't care that our DP anniversary would be so close to her own special day. We knew which forms of ID to have with us, how much money was required and what other documents might be needed. We also knew that getting DP'd meant if we ever decided to dissolve our union, we'd have to pay money to do that and by law we would be responsible for certain things. We'd be responsible for one another in life and in death. We knew by entering into this legal contract, our commitment to each other was of great importance, serious and binding.

Walking into the Multnomah County clerks office couldn't have been less romantic. It was busy with hustle & bustle that tends to occur in government buildings. The county clerks building has many departments that have no relation whatsoever to marriage licences & domestic partnerships. The picture I'm trying to paint here is that there was no sense of sacredness or romance in the general atmosphere that surrounded us. For a moment we wondered if we were even in the right place because this would be closest we'd get to ceremonial legality and the environment seemed so... businesslike.

Hand in hand, with enough love, sensuality & spirit to make up for any lack of ideal circumstances, we waited for the next available clerk to assist us. We were given papers to fill out & directions on what to do next. This meant we next had to leave the building to go find a notary public, get our forms notarized (which involved going to a Bank of America where we were told to wait by a very cranky teller, which gave us the I'm not feelin' it feeling. So then we went to Wells Fargo where the teller was really excited & proceeded to tell us about every single queer person she knew or ever heard of) and come back to the clerks office. As stated before, not ideal, but we were excited as hell just the same.

We signed our forms with hearts beating in full and received a certificate that we could fill in later along with a receipt & copies of our super-official forms. Hand in hand, with enough love, sensuality & spirit we were in a legal domestic partnership. We celebrated with mini-cheeseburgers at a too hip bowling alley.

That day was a tremendous step toward utter devotion toward one another. It was also our way of saying to ourselves, each other & our friends and family that we love & are dedicated to the other person in a very deep and long term way.

Our rainy March day was not the day it hit me that I was indeed, hitched. It came a couple months later, after a fight about something petty like whose turn it was to buy cheese or take out the garbage or do the dishes. It was barely a fight really, more like a tiff or a verbal mutual growl. Suddenly it occurred to me that no matter how much one of us may annoy the other, we were in this for the long haul, so being mad was rather pointless. One way or another whatever issue may bubble up between us, I not only knew but deeply felt, that we would always work it out. It was a sense of safety I have never known before, and that safety I was happy to give to her.

From that realization was an easy get comfortable with having a "married lifestyle." It's funny really because what some folks may deem a "gay lifestyle" our lives together couldn't be more settled and regular. We work hard, we pay bills, we take care of our babies (pets), we agree, we disagree, we make love, we watch TV, we write Christmas cards together, we laugh, we cry and we have to put in certain kinds of effort to make she & I an us. Our friends are queer & straight, monogamous and single, happy & unhappy. We are just regular folks trying to live in a balanced way and take care of business. We do this together and our "regularness" is part of what we enjoy about our union.

I wish our equality could exist in law as it does in our hearts. We know we are married not just because we fell into love. We know we are married because we vowed to one another & on paper to protect each other in every way possible, making the other person's life as important and sacred as our own. That means a lot. And it feels damn good!

Wait! Didn't I Just Shovel the Sidewalk?

2008-12-23T15:17:00.000-08:00

That is a man skiing past our home in the middle of the street. What does one even say about that?

Bebes enjoying the winter drama.

More Violence

2008-12-19T12:50:00.000-08:00

Emotions are running high today. My cousin was murdered 2 days ago & I don't even know how to finish this sentence.

We hardly knew each other. A second cousin I only met a few times. Yet I feel deeply saddened.

She left behind a son, parents, friends & family.

This crime was so wrong. Violence solves nothing. It never will. Her ex-boyfriend shot in in the head because she was returning his stuff. He soon fled & shot himself while being pursued by police.

Murder feels so bad. It reaches out in waves of torment changing all in it's path.

Two murders of people I knew this year. One rape I'm trying to deal with. Violence! I can't wrap my heard around any of it today.

There is nothing more to say right now other than she & those she was close to are in my prayers.
~F