:: frans xavier ::

family season.

2012-01-29T01:30:00.000+08:00

Family means feeling safe and loved, like a back rub on a late night car ride. It means screaming at your parents for the smallest matter but love them all the same. It is pleading them to head out to grab you a buy-in. It means sleeping in their bed and having somewhere to go on during the Chinese New Year or Christmas no matter what.

Family means never holding back. Family means being able to be the most disgusting version of yourself. You can cry, fart, burp. Ain’t no shame in the family game! They have to love as you are.

Family means change. It means not meeting up as often anymore. It means work and life has taken precidence. It means regretting about those changes at night and then accepting them for what they are.

Family means loving someone in a way that’s almost indescribable. This love has its own set of rules. It's a different kind of love. You can have the nastiest and biggest fight. However, the fight will eventually be over and you can go on not answering their phone calls like you always have.

Family is weird. Family is hard. Family is Beautiful. There's no escaping any of them.

Family means having traditions. As much as one tries to run away and build your own life in a major city, you’ll always feel a need to fill that void. You’ll always need a mother and father. Hold each other tight this season, no matter how much they upset you.

So why do I love this season. This is Family.

Happy Holidays.

2012-01-27T23:56:00.000+08:00

My name is Francis Phuang. I am a redefined man. I'm human. I make mistakes. I'm sorry about that, but I strive to learn and not repeat them. I still don't know what you think of me, but I can live with that.

But you need to live with yourself and be honest with yourself. Because as far as I can remember, I do remember.

that day we were waiting for.

2012-01-21T10:15:00.001+08:00

Hi everyone (and George, and Andrea :P)

Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year! I hope you've all be having a great semester/ bar exam since we last met :)

My semester has been pretty good - been seeing pretty good things in school, extracurriculars and career. Unfortunately, no big news yet. These few months have been kind of the buildup to an email where I let you all know the big news (fingers crossed), so hopefully that happens soon.

Anyway, some important logistical items to make getting in and about the city as painless and easy as possible.

1. Send me your preferred email AND phone number, ASAP. (George and Andrea too, would love to hear from you:))

2. The address is (censored). Make sure you put in the zip code or Gmaps will direct you to Staten Island.

3. If you're flying into LGA, take a cab. If you're flying into JFK, take a cab. Yes, its expensive, but Take A Cab. I cannot stress this enough because its really easy to get lost and confused. Also, the nearest subway stop is a 25 minute walk from my place so you'll probably end up taking a cab anyway.

4. The whole living room is yours. I've laid out extra pillows and blankets. Feel free to move furniture around/ redecorate. I'll be in Vermont snowboarding until the 30th, so that should give you guys enough time to stretch out and run around the city before the jaded city dweller comes back :P

5. Persuant to point 4, please wait for me to come back before taking any of the drugs lying around the living room. Some of them are dangerous. I'm serious. (Just kidding). Chewing gum is ok.

6. Please do not try to connect the Xbox, even though its really tempting.

7. SSID is QT9XJ and the password is (censored)

8. There is an extra towel on top of the ice box if you need it.(There is nothing in the ice box, please don't open it)

9. Food in the fridge is ask before eating!

10. Wai Kin's number is (censored). Call if you need anything before the 30th! After that, call me at (censored)

11. I'll be heading to Central Park to watch the fireworks on New Year's eve, because Time's Square is too touristy and honestly, overhyped. Let me know if you want to join. It will be cold and you will need to pee but there will be fireworks! (unlike Times Sq, where you will also be cold and need to pee.)

See you guys soon!

John

Finding a Word.

2012-01-15T02:30:00.000+08:00

English is so bad at describing what it means to grieve. The words don’t seem to capture each exquisitely painful feeling.

I need a word. A word so good at expressing complicated mental states in a single lengthy word. For when you miss someone so incredibly, achingly much, when that person pervades every thought, every interaction, every waking moment, but you also loathe yourself. Because you treated her badly, or because you were too weak to be honest with her. And because you loathe yourself, you hate yourself for missing that person so intensely. For missing the laughter she inspired; for wishing for the easy intimacy that you built. There should definitely be a word for that.

There should also be a word for the feeling of disconnection you cultivate when you walk through the streets with your headphones on, sad songs blasting into your ears loudly enough that you can pretend you are alone. You pass by other people almost without seeing them, since you can’t hear them. You walk by shops and offices on the sidewalk, going somewhere or maybe not going anywhere in particular, feeling like the music in your ears is a soundtrack to your sadness. This song makes you think of that person; that song comes close to capturing how lonely you are without that person. You isolate yourself physically because you feel so isolated inside; surrounded by people, you are still alone, because you have been abandoned by that one person who made you feel somehow less alone.

I need a word, for how it feels when you know that person has moved on so quickly. When you find out you weren’t as important as you thought you were. I need a word for outright despair. You thought you were finally getting over them. Then you see a Facebook post or hear some gossip from mutual friends, and you realize you weren’t over it. Not even close. You realize you were still holding out hope that you would get back together, that there would be some way to repair the damage, to be happy again. When that hope is crushed, the fragile tower of your life tumbles down. There should be a word for that kind of defeat.

There should be an English word for all these feelings of grief. And I desperately wish they existed now, just so I could tell you, next time you ask, how I’m doing in only three words, instead of all these.

on happiness.

2011-12-18T01:08:00.002+08:00

I feel like people get lost when they think of happiness as a destination. We’re always thinking that someday we’ll be happy. You know, we’ll get that car or that job or that person in our lives that fixes everything. But happiness is a mood and a condition, it’s not a destination. It’s like being tired or hungry; it’s not permanent, it comes and goes, and that’s okay. And I feel like if people thought of it that way, they’d find happiness a lot more often.

I need my best friend.

2011-12-14T05:43:00.000+08:00

I need you to be on my speed dial.

I need you to support me. I need you to believe in me.

Because sometimes when I am thinking silly and feel like giving up, I need you to talk me back into it.

Because when I cannot move on and stay stuck in the moment, I need you carry me home.

I need you to help me with this plan, get it moving and start chasing.

And when all else fails, you would know what to say to me.

You would have my back and you would tell me everything's going to be all right.

I cannot get through this without my best friend. I need my best friend.

what will be, will be.

2011-12-12T04:12:00.001+08:00

When I was just a little boy, I asked my mama what will I be?
Will I be handsome, will I be rich?
Here's what she said to me:

Hey Franny, Franny
Whatever will be, will be
The future's not us to see
Oh Franny, Franny

I cannot talk to you.

2011-12-09T03:11:00.000+08:00

You don’t know these things because five months ago I walked away and I failed to chase after you. You didn’t chase after me because I told you not to. I didn’t call. I didn’t write. And, apparently, we made a mutual decision to stop talking at all.

Because we decided this, and because you now don’t know any of those things about me, I probably don’t know things about you, either. I don’t know if you’re still in love with the oceans; I don’t know how your diving trip to Philippines went; and I don’t know how many bubbletea you’ve had. I don’t know how you are planning to celebrate your 21st; I don’t know where you’ll be on Christmas; and I don’t know your reaction to this season's How I Met Your Mother. I don’t know how your sister is, and if she’s getting married; I don’t know how your mother is and if your father is still cycling in that hideous suit.

I don’t know if you think about me; or if you still stay up writing your blog posts; I don’t know if you’re dating happily; and I don’t know if you’ve kept track of how many days it’s been since we last talked.

I could argue that I don’t know you anymore. But I know that I do, and that is why I still can’t talk to you.

here's to the childish ones. the crazy ones.

2011-12-04T02:30:00.000+08:00

it's cold. it's chilly. it's shivering. it's december.

this probably explains the many weird looks and stares one gets when you're in a thin 1 layer or in shorts. am I crazy or do I miss home too much? nah! I was just in the middle of a childish crazy game called: who can withstand the cold the longest, removing an article of clothing every 30mins.

take pride in these games. revile in these bets. because, these are the only standards and things that are still sound and normal, in our college days. I've played this game onboard a cruise on the Baltic Sea, participated in an all chinese language day and definitely part of the faster beer downing champion team.

none of these bets will make sense in a few years time when I'm on the trading floor, but until then, they still do! the best games are crazy, childish and probably won't make much sense to most people.

Because we aren't here forever and crazy childish games as laughs to our days and our weeks. Its time to slow down those movements and recognize that we are in the best moment of our lives. We are all part of the world of awesome!

So what're you waiting for this festive season? Get childish, get crazy!

be yourself.

2011-12-03T19:30:00.000+08:00

I have to stop going, doing and chasing and start spending more time being with myself.

Derive the Value. Understand compassion.

2011-12-03T02:16:00.000+08:00

This is my man, Zeus. I've heard about him, talked about him, but it was the very first time I've seen him. It's been an honor.

Because a strong man, who has known power all his life, will lose respect for that power. But a weak man knows the value of strength. And knows compassion.

But I Care

2011-11-24T02:55:00.001+08:00

When the rain hits your face, and the winds of change are blowing strong. I would have offer you a warm embrace,

to let you know I care.

When the evening comes and the stars are up above.
When there is no one to dry your tears. I would take you to the highest mountains and deepest seas,

to let you know I care.

I know I told you I have not made up my mind yet, but I would never do you wrong. I've known from the moment that we depart, that we'll always be left with a special mark.

I may not make you happy nor make your dreams come true.

But I care.

stayovers

2011-11-08T14:20:00.001+08:00

Sleep is important. It recharges your body and rebuild your cells. It keeps you active and alert for the next day. Optimal sleep, as advocated during my army days was 7 hours.

Somehow, as you grow older, you tend to never meet this 7 hours sacred rule. My student, whose mum makes the best cake and I'm still awaiting the recipe, once told me over tuition that the best sleeping time is 10pm. This is primarily because the body tends to recharge and repair itself between 10pm to 2am everyday. Of course, and I pretty much assume, that the body clock will take into account time zones and daylight savings.

I slept the longest today. I decided to sleep in. There was no alarm, no noises and no sunlight. This long sleep was in preparation for 2 things.

1. I'm staying over at the Oslo Bus Terminal as I type this. I really thought Paris was the last time I'm staying up to catch a flight. However, it looks like budget flying just did me in again. Oslo Torp airport is almost 2 hours away from the city. With a flight at 8am, I need to catch a shuttle bus (S$50!) to the airport by 4am, after taking into account the check in. I guess this is the price one has to pay for flying budget.

For the more adventurous, staying over gives you an incredible opportunity to witness the breaking dawn. You bear eye witness to the station master who reports for the first duty shift. You see unfortunate beggars sleeping by the street. You walk into rowdy drunkards. You take a few short naps while clutching your belongings tightly. You see how the city wakes up to a brand new day.

There are many things done and learnt for the first time during this exchange. Stayovers at airports or bus stations will definitely be added to this list!

2. I needed to sleep. I need it to escape from this overwhelming reality that is unveiling back at home. Sometimes, the best solution to any problem is to sleep on it.

I'm glad I've done it, because I wake up to well wishes and love messages back at home. I really don't understand his plans, can't tell what's on his mind, definitely can't trace his hands, but I'll trust my faith and your heart.

Have you told your loved ones how much you love them yet? Do it fast because, even the best paying internship, the riches of this world and the high flying GPA will not give you the thing you need the most: Time, all 7 Hours of it.

european sundays

2011-11-07T02:01:00.001+08:00

The bible said that Sundays are known as the sabbath. A day of rest and far away from work and all things strenuous.

In Europe, this is taken really serious. Supermarkets are close, shopping streets are dead and the entire city seems to be in a standstill, except for the very infrequent public transport that connects you in between sleepy towns. Of course, you're least likely to encounter this if you're in a major touristy place like Barcelona or Paris.

Thus, one thing I've learnt is to always prepare for a rainy day. Plan ahead and procure your logistics and settle your shopping needs early. Should you need something urgent on a Sunday, you're most probably not going to get any!

Another factor perhaps is Family Time. I am very much in agreement with this concept as even back at home, Sundays are the best day for family bonding. It's time for having brunch together, reading a book and simply just spend some quality (sometimes silent) time as a family. Therefore, it is rightfully justified to close your shops and refrain from work so as to prepare a sumptuous meal with your family and recount the memorable events of the past week.

Why am I talking about Sundays today? Well, it's an European Sunday today in Oslo. I've spent the morning in church, finally after a few rough weekends of non-stop traveling. Somehow, maybe it's the familiarity of the church worship and routines or simply the reminder of attending church with my best mates back in Singapore, I feel at ease and peaceful in church. Any church in fact. The same songs, hymns and similar practices do make me reminisce of the church services I attend back at home, making Sundays always a sweet, homely and memorable ones. Today is no different.

I realized I'm starting to begin my prayer with 'I thank you for...' instead of 'Please grant me...' Thus, thank you lord for everything that had happened and will be happening to me! It's be a great journey towards self discovery.

When I refer to this post again, or should you read this, remember to cherish your sundays. It's a quality time to be spent with God, yourself, family and a good reminder that no matter how busy or hectic our lives are in the week, there's always a day to close your shop, drop your tools to prepare a sumptuous Sunday meal over a nice hot cuppa.

To the many Sundays to come. Cheers!

best,
fransxav

smile an everlasting smile

2011-11-06T09:05:00.001+08:00

2 things I like about staying alone overseas and away from home.

1. You are more likely head out for random parties or social outings to meet many more people. Contrary to loneliness in a foreign land, you are more motivated to move out of your comfort zone. You are more inclined to explore, discover and dream. A good example would be my old friend, Justin Timberlake in Friends with Benefits. Moving to congested NYC from spacious LA.

2. Living alone means you own your personal residential area. You are free, right and just to invite that new friend or friends up to your apartment for a drink or two. You have every opportunity to show off your newly found domestic skills. You have every excuse to take a minute or two and appreciate a nice glass or wine or a cup of hot chocolate/latte in this cold climate. From there, the conversation goes on with no parents walking in into your personal space.

So here's the 2 things I'm appreciative of tonight. Got to head to bed now for I'm fulfilling a commitment tomorrow morning for Sunday church service!

So stay amazing. Stay awesome. Cheers!

ps: I was told this laugher was genuine and real. should I put this up as my display picture to remind everyone of the importance of laughter?

morning has broken

2011-11-05T01:02:00.001+08:00

As winter sets in, the day gets shorter and night gets longer. In Tromso, the most northern tip of Europe, you will have to magnify this winter effect a couple more times. Thus, it's not surprising that the sun rises at 10am and I usually hike up the mountains for a post card moment sunset at 2pm!

My periodic hunger pangs come really often during the long nights, which really start from 2pm. I'm speaking of pitch dark moments, and your stomach is confused between lunch and dinner times. It's scary sometimes, recounting the amount of food I introduced to my my body every hour!

On a bright side, this food is probably to replace the amount of calories lost fighting the chill winds and extreme cold. :)

Tromso nature hikes and Northern lights hunting had been a great escape from urban city life. I am at ease with the nature, lakes, mountains and winter huskies. It's true, I want to grow ole in the country side with a lake house. Yet, I crave the attention of the city. So it's probably a careful balance of both, between weekdays and ends.

It's true. How do you want to spend your life? Urban city or Tranquil country.

new look. new perspective.

2011-11-04T09:57:00.001+08:00

dear faith,

I've decided to change your look. Hope you like it. It's been an amazing week with the army dudes, trekking and hiking into the nature.

I've never felt more at peace with myself. I'm getting a clearer picture of my heart now.

Till then, stay faithful. Stay amazing.

Goodnight!

ps: happy halloween all, taken from a street party at stockholm last weekend.

2011-10-24T03:28:00.001+08:00

Dear Journal

I think you need a name. Journal sounds really cliche and boring. Probably a female name, it sounds better when I refer to it as I recount about my journeys. Suggestions? Especially from those who still frequent this place? I can confidently name a couple, so you know who you are.

Looking back at the past entries, it does seem statistically probable that I tend to write more when I'm on the plane. Thus, no surprises here! I just survived the most turbulent flight on the Fokker F50 from Warsaw to Riga. I transited and am now on yet another F50 towards Helsinki. Some insights of the Fokker F50:

1. It is a military aircraft used by the RSAF to ferry soldiers to neighboring countries for trainings

2. Its width is 1.2 times of my height

3. Being really small, you can feel every sense of the turbulence

I usually like thrilling rides but this sensation should never last more than 15 minutes. Sad to say, the flight from Warsaw-Riga took 1.5 hours and Riga-Helsinki is another 1.5 hours. This is also my first encounter with a lunatic onboard the plane. He is seated 3 seats away from me and is making a din on the plane. Besides the loud shoutings and roaming up and down the pathway, he is not using the vomiting bag as a puppet. I hope he does not make things difficult for the only Asian boy onboard, or I'll have to perform some Jackie Chan moves soon. As much as I'm uncomfortable on this ride, I look forward to finally publishing this entry to tell my European tale. I see this Exchange as a daily accumulation of life's experiences and stories, so that I will not bore my children and grand children in the years to come.

Another story to share over the past week (first week of school) was my gradual ascend to domestic godness. I may be exaggerating here a little bit, but I do have every passion and enthusiasm to master my domestic skills before I return home. I have a date with Zhengie over cooking and I too wish to wow my parents when I return home. Thus after a couple of days of eating out, I decided to head out to the nearby super market to stock up on ingredients for the following weeks. I proceeded with no agenda nor menu in mind. The goal was to purchase any ingredient and everything that is on discount first. The menu will then be decided by the ingredients I bought. Well, my first home cooked meal consisted of white rice ( I googled on preparing a perfect bowl of fragrant rice), 2 chicken patties and 1 sunny set up! Besides cooking too much rice ( my first time preparing it and I think I cooked enough for 3 people), I guess everything else was pretty all right! So my first time could be considered a success, yes? The next step would be to come up with a 1-2 weeks menu so that I can plan my grocery shopping well and have a good mix of dishes. I would really appreciate any help with regards to recipes! Please do, please do.

A quick wrap up about the 2 destinations the past week. Helsinki and St Petersburg. Both countries bound the Baltic Sea and are equally cold. This is my first time piling on the layers as I arrive in Europe too. I predict that the layers will just continue to pile as we approach winter. A day in each city was more than enough I guess, after realizing that the multiple churches and museums kind of looked the same! The highlight of the Helsinki trip definitely had to be the port and seaside market. St Petersburg's highlight, besides the insane 3 hours of walking (to save money), was the colorful domes aka Church of the Spilled Blood! That church was the one I had been looking forward to ever since Samantha Brown from Discovery Travel & Living (DTL) did a documentary on it. In fact, the past month of traveling and the more to come, is akin to living out the exact episodes of DTL that mummy & I caught! It's like living your traveling dream, for the lack of a better word. To add to this experience, had definitely been the bunking with fellow students to save on accommodation cost and cruising along the Baltic Sea in between the 2 countries!

There are 2 more trips to wrap up October and they are both really long trips. France, Belgium & Netherlands with Benji and Scandinavia & Northern Lights with the Army dudes. I'm looking forward to finally meeting up with the mates in Army (been planning to do this on exchange since we were in Spore) and relieve those Post-ORD travel moments! :) From the calendar, October looks pretty impossible to do some serious studying and the student in me is already feeling guilty or worst, worried for school. Yes, I know I just have to pass the modules. Still, the Singaporean in me is worried that I may play too hard and fail to transfer the credits over! =0 Kiasuism had taken over and I've decided to start mugging hard come November and plan only weekend trips! I'll play hard, but I'll study hard too!

Like the end of the past few journal entires, my flight is departing soon back to Warsaw. It's been nice recounting the experiences and I apologize for the slow and lack of updates. It's just that whenever I want to update, I want to make sure I do not leave out any feeling or experience that I want to relate to you all. This standard requires writing and re-writing of my entires and thus make it a hurdle for me whenever I log into this space. =(

The most important feeling I want to leave on this space today is this:

It may seemed that I'm having a lot of fun traveling and meeting new people. Yes, I do. Yet at the same split moment, I have a sense of home sickness too. These 2 seemingly opposite feelings are correlated at times. Thus, I'm always hit with sudden jolts of 'missing people back at home.' My traveling buddy on this trip told me that "If you're homesick, it means that you're not enjoying yourself enough." I don't know if that's true enough, but I do miss everyone back at home, a little too much.

2011-10-03T08:29:00.002+08:00

Postcard Memories. :)

One day I'll look back at these and say to myself:

those were the days my friend, I hope they never end...

One for my Ah Ma

2011-09-18T18:36:00.001+08:00

This is dedicated to my Dad, the greatest son to my Grandma, my beautiful and supportive cousins, the best people I am thankful for, and to you, my loving Grandmother.

When I was 10 years old and still a chubby and pleasantly plump Primary 4 student, we used to have this "Get to know God" session in my Catholic Primary School. After attending thanksgiving mass, I struggled with myself for a little while before deciding to stand behind a queue that says, "Ask God a question."
I was the world's most annoying and inquisitive boy back then- according to my godfather. I tend to ask him questions like: "Who invented the English language?" and "Why can't 1+1=3?" From these questions, we can infer that I wasn't doing pretty well in my languages and mathematics at Primary 4! When it's my turn at the queue, I sat down next to the Pastor and asked him: "Why do people have to die?"
Grandma, or "Ah Ma" as we affectionally call her, is the strongest, loudest, loving and faithful Christian Ah Ma one can have. She have 14 grandsons and daughters but only I, the youngest Grandson, had the privilege of spending a good part of my growing up years, till Secondary 4, with her. Since young, I've picked up a few things from her.
Ah Ma is strong and does not have a faint heart. She had a hobby of watching Safari documentaies and was also a great fan of WWE. No kidding, my aged old Ah Ma is one true blue fan of Stone Cold Steve Austin aka "Botak." On weekday nights, she and Grandpa or affectionately known as "Ah Gong", would tune into the then Channel 12 to watch how a lion tears his prey apart. On other days, Ah Gong would walk to the nearby neighborhood shops to rent a couple of wrestling video cassettes so that we can all cheer for "Botak". Ah Ma introduced me to the world of Wrestling. Most importantly, Ah Ma is strong because she has shown me the strongest will to live when she recovered swiftly from her first stroke and making it past a critical period that had only 30% of survival rate, in the second one.
Ah Ma is loud. She would rush to the telephone whenever it rang and screamed for me whenever someone looks for me. She is always looking out for me, even when a phone call rang. However, the loudest moment that I can remember, was her screaming at my Primary School driver when I woke up late for school. The bus was going to leave at a strict timing but Ah Ma screamed from 8 levels up, telling the driver to wait for her youngest grandson.
Ah Ma is loving. She's the kind that would wake Ah Gong up from his sleep and instructed him to head to the market to get her youngest grandson his favorite breakfast. She would call me daily at 8pm to ask how my day went (I started going straight home after school from Upper Secondary) and her signature line was: 你吃饱了吗？She would ask me if I wanted sandwich in the afternoons or simply Milo because I've not eaten something for the past few hours. I found it annoying at first, and it took me a few years later to finally realized that these are her little ways of saying "I love you." Ah Ma would clear up my mess, especially after Christmas or Chinese New Year. I've a bad habit of decorating her place for these festivals but never a habit of taking them down. Also, she's the only one in the entire world who knows both my Lunar and "Ang Mo" birthdays, and gave me red packet for both!
Ah Ma is faithful. She brought me up as a Catholic and woke me up every Sunday whenever I stayed over during the weekend. She would painstakingly wake me up from my deep sleep despite my numerous protests and brought me to OLPS nearby. As many already know of my foul mood when I've a lack of sleep or waking up too early in the morning, Ah Ma had to endure that for many years! Sometimes, if I threw a good enough tantrum, she did allow me to skip church so that I could selfishly sleep in. Ah Ma's the reason why my relatives are Catholics. Ah Ma's the reason why my cousins and I are all Catholics. Ah Ma brought Christ to us.
These traits of Ah Ma are what remind me that she is still very much alive and with us. Nights are just too silent without a call asking me: 你吃饱了吗?" What used to be a strong and loud person slowly deteriorated into one that uses a walking stick and hard of hearing. Towards the end of her life, when her illness was at her worst, these pieces of memories were what reminded me of Ah Ma.
All my life, I had been used to a grandmother none other like Ah Ma. Someone who is fearless, strong, loud and yet, loving, nurturing and forever faithful to Christ. It pains me to see her suffer like that. She had been a part of our family's joy and was part of the criticalmoments in my life. My first national examinations, my first graduation and of course, my Holy Communion and Confirmation.
Now that she has gone to a better place and what is now known as 'Kick Ass Heaven", Ah Ma, you will forever be missed by all of us here. As you watch over us from above, your memories will always be within us, as we continue to grow and nurture ourselves to do you proud.
So, back to the question I posed to the Pastor when I was 10 years old, I hope I have arrived at a better answer. We don't hold back the truth. We don't question God's plans. Instead, I wish to celebrate your life and contribution towards this great family. While you lived, you've taught, inspired and left this family a legacy.
As heavy as my heart is filled with grief and sadness, I find solace in your peaceful passing. I would like to take this opportunity to alsothank everyone in the family, from the cousins to the uncles and aunties, you guys have shown me what true family unity, courage and love is. I would like to thank the friends that have come forward, offer their condolences and lending me their shoulder. This is how another family story is forged, in moments and memories, one that my family and I will reminisce on for decades to come.
I have this photograph of all of us during Chinese New Year, smiling and calling Ah Ma as Maria and Ah Gong as Joseph. :) Whenever I look at this picture from another side of the world, I rejoice in those happy times. This is ourlegacy. This is our immortality.
Ah Ma, thank you for everything you have contributed in my growing up years and I'll forever be grateful to you. I love you. I miss you. As you rock to the crocodile rock music in Kick Ass Heaven, I know that one day we will meet again. God bless you.

2011-09-17T09:24:00.001+08:00

This is the first time I'm on a domestic budget airline. Besides the wobbly take off earlier, everything's safe thus far. Well, if this journal does not get publish, we all know what happened then! The traveling to Luton airport (London's budget terminal) took me 2 hours, followed by a shuttle bus to the airport from the station. Not to mention that my earlier train got cancelled due to a fault, which made me panic for a while as I did not want to miss my flight. Everything fell into place in the end and I even made a friend with a fellow Poland bound traveller.

The past 2 weeks in London was nothing short of comfortable, hospitable and amazing. Madeline, my cousin, along with Andrew, her husband and Paul, her father in law, were the nicest people in London. They gave me a good room, fed me well, provided me with the best hospitality and care. I'm truly grateful. One thing I felt bad was probably not spending enough quality time with them and the kids, Ryan & Emma. The most adorable nephew and niece on Earth! They are the only ones that can make me rush home early for dinner with them, play PS games with them, listen to their stories about their toys and many stuff animals and definitely, the major pulling factor why I look forward to heading back again. Andrew was so used to me being there that he actually made an extra desert for me this evening though I was already at the airport. Ryan & Emma recorded sweet farewell videos for me and extended an open invitation to be back at London again! For all of these, I'm truly grateful and blessed! =)

I tend to get really emotionally whenever I pack my luggage, and today was especially heavy,after hearing the sad news. I opened up the farewell box again and studied each polaroid carefully. On the plane before take off, I reopened those farewell letters and reread every single line. Maybe it's heaviness of today, but I'm choked with tears, both on the train and on the plane. Yes, and the lady at my 5 o'clock is studying me like an exhibit.

My best friend told me that he's a phone call away and that he wants me to know that everyone back home is missing me. She told me to dream, explore and discover but most importantly, don't be afraid to love and be loved back. You told me to have faith in the people I love.Everyone else told me to have fun,stay safe and keep in touch.

I think it's officially, I miss you all. As I travel further and further away from the ones at home. As the days end shorter with winter looming. As I relook at the photographs. As I reread those lines. I'm officially missing you all. Sometimes it gets a little too much, sometimes I get by. Most importantly, I do not want to miss a thing that unfolds back at home because we are so close, we can be soul sisters.

So know this: I'll think of you whenever I reflect on my trip. I'll think of you as I stood up, smiled in satisfaction and I give the Ma Ma Mia crew a standing ovation. I'll think of you when I'm all cold out there. I'll think of you on days like this. I'll think of you...

2011-09-14T10:01:00.000+08:00

Dear Sexy People (decided to change the starting reference today, comments?),

I'm typing this on my iPad on the bus. My 7 day travel card expired today and I was caught in a delimna earlier, whether to cheat my way to the station or simply be honest. It's always a constant delimna inline isn't it? Heh, this time, unlike Melbourne, I paid in full! Gosh, £2.20 just for a short 10 mins ride to the station.

One of the latest that I've left the house today. 1230pm GMT to be exact! I got up later than usual and also probably because I spent a little more time babysitting Ryan. Well it paid off cause I won the soccer game! I remembered vividly how I would always game against my elder brother when we were young. It often ended up in a fight as we both wanted to win so badly! Winning 11 really brought back some childhood memories, like how Roysyon & I would camp at E2Max at Cineleisure for hours during Secondary school days. Ah,the good old days of not knowing what I want in life and of course, much less stress and no deadlines!

Imperial war museum had to be my favorite museum thus far. It showcases all the past wars in different regions, with real exhibits and extensive information. I was like a kid in wonderland, going from one gallery to another. Time really flew and I spent an entire afternoon there. The Holocaust gallery at the top really blew my mind away. It's so heart wrenching seeing the suffering of the Jews and those gas chambers! I think the world we live in had shed so much blood, lives and sweat to come to where we are today. It took a great deal of people's lives for us to understand about and respect other cultures, religion and live in harmony today. True there are parts of the world that are still fighting due to ideology differences (this conflict had been consistent throughout all the wars), but we should really count our lucky stars in safe and peaceful Singapore. Yes, there can be some improvements in our country, but do remember and appreciate the good things back at home. Now that I'm here, I really do!

I guess I was too ambitious when trying to schedule at least one WestEnd every other night. Not only does it equate to loss of family time back at home (I'll miss the daily sumptuous dinner spread with wine) but also of WestEnd overdose. On the formal, dining at western homes can be equvilant to a 3 course meal with a bottle of wine in Singapore. My cousin bring a Singapoean, thus not only prepares western set meals but also much missed Chinese delicacies! I'm always looking forward to these dinners, which is why I'm taking an earlier coach back from Bath just so to make it for tonights farewell dinner! Yes, I'm leaving for Warsaw tomorrow. On the latter, watching another award winninng musical every other night tend to not give enough limelight and aftertaste moments for the ones caught earlier. Shows would only stay in my memory for a day or two as new ones are always coming back in! Also, there's the historic Shakesphere globe. I'm pretty happy that I spread these shows out and will definitely be back in London on weekends again, to watch the unfinished ones. Thus far, Ma Ma Mia ranks as the best and the sound of abba music still rings in my ears and reside in my head, especially when I'm walking down the street or jogging round Cottenham Park!

The coach should be back in London in another hour. It's been nice writing and definitely a record to have 3 long entires for London. Though they still cannot fully justify the amazing experience here, it's good to write for people to read them. With that, it's goodbye London and hello Warsaw, Munich, Venice, Florence & Rome!

Granny, wait for me to come home. There are so many stories to share with you and pictures to show you. I love you Granny!

2011-09-09T08:12:00.005+08:00

Dear Journal

How many days have it been? That was the questioned posed to me over dinner yesterday at home (I'm still getting used to myself in relatively more formal clothes & in shoes). You can see as it the number of days away from home, the number of days alone and free in London or simply, the number of days to NYC or back home. I think different people will subscribe to different interpretations of this and I shall leave that option to you. =)

I finally convinced myself to carry a backpack out and pack it with an umbrella, water bottle, books and my iPad. It's not bad after all isn't it? I'm typing this entry from St James Park, one of the most beautiful Royal Park in London. The weather is really comfortable and not as chilly as yesterday, a perfect setting for this journal entry. I'm currently sharing the bench with an angry mother who's trying hard to feed her son and also the pigeons! To be honest, I'm getting paranoid with the pigeons and images of their dropping on me or my coat is making me really uncomfortable. The occasional chilly wind is coming back slowly and the weather is just perfect! No sun for the past 2 days and Ive come to appreciate why the whites love basking in the sun wheneever it's summer. The grass on the lawn behaves like an inviting bed and one can really sit there the entire day, writing and lazing away. It's so different in Singapore, where the grass is bad and the weather is unbearable. Starting to really love this place, really.

Still an environment is only perfect and complete with the right people living with you. Thus, London's not so perfect yet since these critical people are not here with me right now. Enough about the English weather, some updates about the past few days before I cross the street to catch the horse parade. By the way, I don't know if you guys find it cool but I'm kinda seated right across 10 Downing Street, where the British PM stays.

Traveling alone and with some new British friends is a fresh new experience. I have my own time, do my own visits and of course, the only downside is that there's no one to take photos for me! I've to constantly exercise my supreme lack of shyness and chat up random strangers for help. Ah, the extroverted me is a constant challenge.

The Natural History Museum had amazing exhibits, dating from the era of cavemen to modern times. It also hold exhibits of almost every possible animal species you can think of. It was simply impossible to finish every single gallery and thank god for the free entry. The buidling itself was grand on it's own and it took me awhile to find the perfect angle to justify this magnificent building. The thing about museums in London or other European countries is that they are not meant to be covered in a day. It's impossible. You need to make multiple trips and on focused visits. Sadly, I do not have the privilege. I did however went into the human & fishes gallery. Two things that are rather to close to heart. When asked at the entrance why I didn't pay the sexual desire gallery a visit, I simply said: " the economics of it does not justify it."

The Portobello Market at Notting Hill is only open on weekends but I did not make a wasted trip. There's always the relive the Notting Hill movie day! I combed the famous Notting Hill street, hunt down Will's house and definitely, that travel bookshop. It was of course until the erratic rain caught up with me and left me standing in the telephone booth for 30 mins. But I'm not complaining, these are the simple pleasures and unorthodox experience of traveling. Get lost, discover and realized. Best part of Notting Hill definitely have to be the brand-new Ray Bans Wayfarer at a steal of £84! Simple awesome!

Castles and more castles. After visiting a few, you realized that they are rather similar. Still, I've a newfound interest in European History and her monarchy. It's so rich in heritage. It's a pity my new found pseudo brother does not study European History or I could simply talk about it all day! Tower of London and the Tower Bridge blew me away with it's sheer architecture. How did they build these things back in those times?! And if you've seen the Queens Crown Jewels ( for lack of a better name I guess?) you would put Tiffany away immediately! I did a quick look of the London famous St Pauls Cathedral before heading to Bloomberg, which now deserves a paragraph on it's own. Before starting on Bloomberg, I would have to say that St Pauls was where Prince Charles married and it has the second largest dome in the world after the Vatican! Vatican is definitely is my travel plans but since it's not materialized yet, St Pauls is now the largest dome I've seen.

Okay, and now, Bloomberg! As expected, the office was expansive and massive compared to the Singapore one. The decor and design concept is consistent throughout, and I think that's the good thing about MNCs. They are consistent in their work, culture and style, no matter where their office is based. I didn't know if the no photo policy is consistent though, so decided to test it until I was caught red handed. It was all good fun and I did manage to sneak a few good shots of the legendary pantry! Compared to Singapore, well, lets not compare it! Where do I start? The drinks were available in limitless flavors and the snacks put us to shame. Still, the working hours and office protocol were similar as in Singapore. Pay wise is equivalent after adjusting for inflation and standard of living. The interesting thing of this office tour was that Dan & I were placed in the same team as the interviewees. Having just completed a 10 weeks internship, we just tried our best to hide our giggles when questions were posed by either side. It was all good fun and many thanks to Berneice (Dan's friend) from the Trep team for introducing us to Emma, the London manager. As expected, London's Bloomberg office ladies 1 & Singapore 0.

It seems like a sure bet to take on London Bloomberg. Especially since I confirmed that I speak Mandrain, which was a rare but needed commodity in the London office. Working overseas for some years can be a good thing too, especially for the exsposure and experience one can gain. However, unlike exchange, this means working alone overseas for at least 3 years. I'm still unsure if I could take up a challenge this complicated. However, as Madeline said, I'm still young and free, if not now, than when? But the question still begs, am I truly free? What about my family, friends and loved one back home? How does one reach a decision is still something profound to me. Only time will tell I guess. For the immediate future, it would be to land a banking internship, in the area of Sales & Trading to see how things work in the front office. This remind me, I've to start applying for those internships now! Deadlines, always chasing deadlines.

On a probably partier mode, I joined Dan's friend for a truly London college experience. Hitting the good old English pub is definitely on the agenda of every English youth, and we sure did. I was introduced to another Daniel, who similarly did an exchange in Singapore's NUS law school. He shall now be known as Dan #2 or simply Dan2. We were brought up to Dan2's apartment adjacent to his UCL campus and gosh it was tiny! Still, I think that's college life isn't it? Nothing too fancy nor serious nor it'll spoil the whole experience. It's about cramming in a small apartment, finding the cheapest deals, hitting the student pubs/clubs, getting attached and detached and a whole lot of other college fun. It's the 4 years of not knowing who you are and what you want. It's about hitting the walls and pushing the boundaries and bouncing back a stronger person. Looking at Dan2 & Claudia ( another French Canadian who also did an exchange in Singapore), I can't help but wonder if we took our lives too seriously back home? Claudia just graduated and is spending a year in London, doing temporary jobs just for a gap year. Dan2 is graduating in Law but serves coffee during his free time.

I don't know, but probably it's time to loosen a little bit. Take some knocks and grow from them. Early 20s is probably the best time of our lives. We are young, legal and free. What more can we ask! Work? We can do that the rest of our lives! =)

This is probably one of my longest entry as I try to include the London experience and thoughts for the past week. Much apologizes for the lack of consistent update as I'm home really late at times and needed to plan for the next day too. This is also probably the entry where I just resume writing, from St James Park, to the tube, to the bus and now finally on my bed! Anyhow, thank you very much if you've managed to survive the incessant writing till here. Guess what? You've made it!

As I plan to do something more to my life in London and beyond, I hope you do too. =)

2011-09-04T09:06:00.001+08:00

Dear Journal

I have really considered parting ways with you since the good old blogging days. Despite being one of my favorite activities in Junior College, blogging had gone downhill since the advent of more interactive social networks. Facebook has given us more tools to communicate with people and Twitter wants us to know that the most effective & efficient communication requires only 160 characters.

I apologized for the lack of updates Journal. I seem to have followed in society's footsteps and develop shorter patience and attention span. However, one thing I've realized from yesterday's farewell is that people do still read and write long messages or journals. Nothing beats long written messages of love and sweetness. Its the tear stained, crumpled edges and ineligible handwriting that tugs at the heartstring. Thus, here I am, back in this online journaling world. I'm home.

I write for myself. I write for my best friends. I write for the many people who may be interested and concern with my development here in Europe. You see, I've been planning for this European adventure for a long time. It would be, and I'm sure it will be, one of the best overseas experience of my life. Total independence and no worries from academic nor work issues. Though the cost can amount to be exorbitant at times, I'm pretty happy that I've already raised a big chunk of money myself. :-) Thus, here I am, onboard the Emirates A380, enroute from Dubai to London Heathrow.

I'm carrying a lot of baggage with me today. Physically, it weights close to 40 Kg and carrys a S$1000 fine.(am still pretty proud of having it waived :p) Emotionally, it weights a lot more than this plane I'm on. I'm leaving behind a great group of people that I grew up with, that I'm influenced by and most importantly, a group of people that are a constant source of inspiration and help shaped who I am today. I'll definitely miss you all. Every time I update this place, every moment I put my face against the blowing European winds, every lonely and cold moments and every time I'm happy, from so many miles away from home, I'll miss you all. <3

I've been telling people of the awesome inflight entertainment system. Its really great. However, what's even better is the parcel that I carried with me wherever I went. From Singapore, to Dubai, to London. The box of all your messages, wishes and pictures. Though being a constant security threat, the security personnel all thought that the box weights a lot heavier than this A380 I'm on. These messages and pictures had been read and re-read by me on the flight and I never got tired of them. Every time I read it, that sheepish smile still shows. And of course, the anticipation of finally opening the sealed letters that are only meant to be read on the plane.

The plane just took off for London and I'm just flying further and further away from you all. But believe me, I never felt closer to everyone one of you. Yes, I'll have strong faith in our relationships as they continue to blossom when I'm back. In the meantime, allow me to return to a conversation with my neighboring passengers as we discuss about the economy! The couple's a lawyer and an economist and will be lecturing a short course in Oxford.

My persona this time? A Singaporean student away from home, knowing that he is missed and loved as much as he does for everyone back home.

I'll be back. :)

2011-08-07T22:27:00.001+08:00

Is it really that bad if someone sees who you are? I always have a problem with letting someone else see that I too, am human.