It’s that time of year again. As the leaves fall, the id rises, pulling up old passions and pains. People start wondering about past decisions, daydreaming of what might have been. Some of the best memories get mixed with the worst, enhancing regrets and pushing people to the brink of impulse, to leaps from the present to the past in search of ideals unattainable — stars they just can’t get out of their eyes.

Deceit is in the air. Personal demons claw their way to the surface, and people consider following them foolhardy into some vague promise. Lies come easily. Anything in the id’s way seems fair to brush aside, deceive, or even destroy.

Superego crashes party; Ego cleans house

I’ve always seen it in myself, and am used to this cycle yearly. Sometime around March the superego kicks in, searching for perfection, ashamed of the id’s recent mental frolics. By May, the ego is back in charge, trying to keep everything copacetic, realistic, responsible, by-the-book.

Demons everywhere

This year I’m noticing it all around me in others. It’s really quite fascinating. I wonder if there’s any connection with these impulses and Samhain, and we begin the darker half of the year? Were these personal demons brought about by the coming of the dark half? When people used to walk between bonfires as a “cleansing,” were they trying to cleanse their souls of their id’s autumnal influence? I find the question fascinating, and won’t ruin it by searching for an answer.

That doesn’t really fit with me, as I believe life is simple — we just choose to make it hard, on ourselves or on each other. So I asked myself, what do I really want out of life, at a most basic level?

1. Freedom, Security, and Happiness for my family.

I want my family to be as free as possible to frolic about this life in wonderment.

I want my family to feel security in various ways, including physical security, emotional security, and financial security.

Happiness for my family — that is different for each person. I just want them to feel, overall, like each new day is a new trip to the candy store of life.

2. Freedom for myself.

I don’t list security for myself, because freedom is far more important. I don’t list happiness, because that’s something you make for yourself. In number 1 I said I wanted happiness for my family, which really means I want to help them live in an environment conducive to them making their own happiness.

But freedom is worth listing all by itself for me, because almost any other pursuit in life seems to work against the freedom you have. In order to have something, you have to give up a little freedom of some kind to get it.

You want financial security? You’ll have to give up freedom of time and, often, freedom of place in order to get it. Working for yourself helps you gain more flexible control over how much freedom you sacrifice, but you will still have to part with some freedom.

You want good things for your family? You’ll give up personal freedoms to ensure they get them, or at least perceive them. You won’t be able to go gallivanting around, following your whim. You’ll give up time, and space, and peace. You’ll succumb to playing a game of give-and-take, wherein you and your loved ones continually try to understand each others’ motivations.

So, while family is number1, I list freedom as number 2, to keep it close at hand and heart. Remember — if you give all your self away in pursuit of number 1, you’ll eventually have nothing left to give, and you’ll have failed both your family and yourself.

3. Relevance to the world outside my family.

This just means I want to be needed, need to be wanted. I don’t want to live on a desert island as a hermit where noone will miss me. I want to do things in this life that some people notice, and that some people benefit from. I want to make a difference so that if I were gone, I would be missed.

Again, I’m saying outside my family. I know my family would miss me.

4. A sunroom.

Yes, I know, this departs from the larger philosophical wants of the first 3. (Just wait until you get to number 5.)

I would be happy with a sunroom on my current crappy house. Right there where the back yard deck is. It needs to have a hot tub, and lots of plants. It needs to be like a greenhouse — lots of light, windows all around, including the roof. Plants would be everywhere. In the summer, I’d like to be able to remove the roof, or at least open it up in some convertible way.

5. Oatmeal cookies.

I’m totally serious. Homemade oatmeal cookies. Ranger cookies are my favorite variety, but any kind would do. Leave out the raisins. No chocolate chips or nuts. Just oatmeal cookies.

Is that too much to ask? Did I mention I was serious? If I had homemade oatmeal cookies available to me every day of my life, I could honestly say I constantly had 20% of my desires fulfilled at all times.

Why? Oatmeal cookies provide a lot of things.

1. Delicious snack.
2. Not terribly unhealthy, relatively-speaking.
3. I have a lot of good memories around oatmeal cookies.
4. If I make the oatmeal cookies, there’s probably a kid or two (of mine) who would like to help.

Life in 5 easy steps

There you have it. I think I could probably take care of number 5, and even number 4 if I really put my mind to it. The other 3 — well — those are a part of a crazy tug-of-war we call living, I suppose.