We create first in spirit, then in matter.

Sexual addictions spiritual? The next question could possibly be some variation of “are you also attending Narcotics Anonymous? Because it sure sounds like you’re smoking something.”

This week I was reading from the White Book, S.A.’s version of the Alcoholic’s Anonymous Big Book. I never cease to find quiet wisdom in those pages. Therein is a section The Spiritual Process.

No, it’s not a discourse in how to find deeper meaning in sexual fulfillment. It actually paints a picture of what I would call the spiritual creation of addiction, the core premise being that we first create in spirit (or mind/heart) that which manifests itself in our behaviors.

For a long time I thought that my problem was pornography or masturbation, but the problem was something deeper. My problem isn’t even lust. As someone said last week in group, “My problem is in living a life without lust.” Basically meaning that lust has come to be our way of coping with the world around us.

Part of the spiritual creation of addiction consists of disconnecting in some way from those around us. We begin by disengaging, taking offense, holding onto hurt we incur during our everyday experiences with those around us. Holding onto an injury (even if it’s only perceived) can set us against others, creating a defensive posture. Resentment can lead to a rebellious attitude, aggressive or passive, and before we know it we are so self consumed that it’s hard to even see the way out.

Each time I create something spiritually, in my mind & heart, each time I hold onto resentment, I am building a future case for myself, a future excuse/rationale to act out & use sexuality to cope with my struggles. When I turn away from others and towards myself, I am building a future behavior.

That said, the spiritual creation process goes both ways. I absolutely LOVED this short TED talk that emphasized the importance of spiritually creating each day by stopping to acknowledge our gratitude and successes. I hope you love it as much as I did! Let me know in the comments what YOU do to create good in your life.

One step at a time is good walking. – Chinese Proverb

Breaking a porn addiction has been difficult for me. I have a tendency to want right now the thrill and satisfaction that comes only from spending all day hiking up a foreboding mountain and then looking down on how far I’ve come. It’s like someone once said, you expect the warmth of the fire before gathering the wood.

Well, I’ve been blessed recently to have several reminders that one step at a time is the best way to overcome a sexual or any other addiction.

To start with, my girlfriend (oh yeah, I have a girlfriend now. ) has been talking with some who are looking to lose weight as she has (70 lbs). They get so excited to see changes and she is for sure a beautiful example of what they desire in their own lives. It’s much like me when I go to a symphony or piano concert. I get all jazzed and think, “I want that!”

However, they, like me, tend to get hyped by the outcome, the destination and forget that there’s gonna be a journey. And not just ANY journey, but a crazy hard one!Sometimes I am mezmerized so much by the possibilities that I don’t spend any time in the present, the only place I can do anythging about it.

So, she has told them, and me for that matter, to succeed at just one simple thing. Succeed with something small and you can maintain that energy with which you began. It doesn’t matter if it’s a running a marathon, quitting smoking, a porn addiction or poor eating, if you chunk down the task into small steps and take one at a time, you you have a much higher success rate.

Another reminder came from an oft spoken mantra in our Sexaholics Anonymous group last night. “Progress, not perfection,” as the saying goes reminded me that I don’t have to work on getting to the top of the mountain, just on taking the steps right before me to get there. Sure there’s planning to do and adjusting along the way, but by and large I’ve gotten off track simply by taking my eye off the ball so to speak.

Harriet Cabelly on TinyBuddha.com broke down achieving goals into 10 small steps. One really important one that I’d like to add to this discussion is her step number 2: “Acknowledge and revel in your accomplishments, however small. Feel the pride and joy of the win.” THIS is part of the power of taking small steps. Checking off 15 tiny things from your list does much more for me than lumping them all together as one task and making it into my own insurmountable mountain.

So, that’s it. Today I am going to chuck things down into smaller steps and take one at a time. As another Chinese proverb says, the journey of a thousand miles begins with one step. So take one with me today and let’s stay free from porn addiction and engage fully in all the beauty that life has to offer!!

Last week I moved to a new city in a new state for work. I had been telling myself that when the move happened I would start a new life, leave behind all the past. Well, the funny thing about that is that we always take ourselves with us when we go anywhere. So, if I wasn’t willing to change before I left then a move by itself wouldn’t magically cause that to surface. Change is a decision. Decisions happen in the present. I decide now to change.

So, I went to an SA meeting last night out here just as something to do. I didn’t have a real strong dedication to engage in a recovery activity, but rather wanted to see a friend. However, in the meeting I was reminded by the honesty in the room that I’m not alone. I think that I’ve been pretty laid back for the last few months about recovery. While stringent adherence I’ve learned can sometimes cause stress and unnecessary guilt, I’ve also learned that approaching recovery in a casual, non-intentional way can lead to similarly frustrating results.

I writing now to remember that the addict inside of me doesn’t just go away because I ignore him. I’m writing to remind myself that I have so much going for me and when I fail to stop and recognize that, and be grateful for that, I so easily get sucked into addictive cycles. I’m writing to remember that I’m loved no matter what I do. I’m writing to build my commitment and dedication to seek good.

I know there’s purpose in everything. So while I’m here working, I want to make the best of my time. I will be intentional. I will think ahead and make plans for my successful navigation of life’s challenges. I will learn along the way and not be too hard on myself for making mistakes. I can learn from even mistakes and grow from even falling.

There’s a story that I’ve heard in multiple therapy sessions and groups where a Native American grandfather is talking to his grandson. He tells him of two wolves that exist within each of us, a white one and a black one. The white one is the good desires we have and the black one is the negative and selfish desires we have. They are battling, he said inside of each one of us. Naturally the boy wishes to know the outcome and asks the sage, “which one wins grandfather?”

I’m not sure why I never connected the moral of this story to what I just learned this week about how to increase my good and wholesome desires, including my desire for healing and recovery. I have been learning over the past month just how important desires are and how they are at the beginning of everything we do. “If that’s the case,” I thought, “how do we get ‘em?!”

With that clear question in my head and a desire to know the answer I guess I shouldn’t have been surprised when I rad across the answer to my question in a book entitled Drawing on the Powers of Heaven by Grant Von Harrison. He said that our desires come as a direct result of our thoughts and attitudes.

“Wow! Really?” I was amazed. I knew that I could choose to think about good things, it has been happening quite naturally each morning for the last 2 weeks as I’ve woken up, thought of 10 or more things I’m grateful for and then dove into my scriptures with the goal of finding what my God wishes me to know about Honesty.

Something clicked when I read that. I saw that the things I have been counseled to do for years are actually powerful tools I already possess to mold and shape my desires. I am glad to now understand the moral to the native american tale. I now ”get” the grandfather’s reply to the boy’s curious question, ”which wolf wins?”

“The one you feed.”

I relapsed yesterday. Upon thinking about where it all began I stumbled upon the fact that I sat in front of the computer with no plan. I was doing anything BUT my work. That wasn’t the problem exclusively. Looking deeper I saw that my thoughts around that was that I was incapable of succeeding in life. It’s THOSE thoughts that create the frustration & anxiety. It’s THOSE thoughts that I’m running from. I’m learning to observe them and surrender them and boy, it’s sure powerful. I’m also getting in the habit of listing things that I’m grateful for. Now THAT’S powerful!

To keep from repeating yesterday, I wrote down exactly what I wanted to do during specific time frames, limiting myself to 30 minute stints online along and visiting only one specific site, the one where I could accomplish what I set out to do during that 30 minutes.

My first 30 minute I spent 10 minutes looking into something that wasn’t on my plan. When my 30 minutes was up I hopped off the internet and changed activities like I had planned. This change was like a reset button and my propensity to wander was starved. The plan worked for today and though I’ve had a real difficult time making plans in the past, I believe it was due to my perfectionistic tendencies that were driven by the belief that I’m not capable of succeeding. The time to leave  behind THAT belief has come!

Passing day 35 of my 90 in 90 I am learning to surrender. When I first jumped into 12 step addiction recovery meetings it was a difficult thing to understand what that meant, but I’m seeing that it’s a very practical thing to do throughout the day. When I began recovery I began by surrendering my addiction, admitting that I am powerless over it. As I’ve been doing that I, in essence, peeled back a layer of the onion that is my soul. Once that was pulled back I saw that I needed to surrender not only my behavior, but my urges to act out. Once that was pulled back, I noticed that there was frustration that too could be surrendered. Even deeper was what that frustration was stemming from and covering, feelings of inferiority, beliefs that I was not good enough or that I was incapable of succeeding.

Here’s what surrender looks like to me. In moments where I notice my eyes wandering, when I’m frustrated, when I feel irritated, I say to God, “Hey God, I notice that I am looking to objectify. I am giving this desire to you. You’ve promised strength to those who ask. I am asking now for you to take my wandering eyes and deliver to me courage and peace of mind.” I will also often get up and move to a different location or go for a quick walk to have this conversation in order to help change my state of mind. It’s simple. It’s practical and best of all, it’s a skill that I can practice in the moment.

I have been trying to think of ways to get away from always being “plugged in”. It was convenient that my computer totally died a couple weeks ago…more properly said, it was a blessing. It was right at the beginning of my decision to do a “90 in 90″ and it’s given me some longer lengths of sobriety and ability to think more clearly without the “oh, I just gotta check my email, Facebook account, etc.” feeling.

I’ve rigged a little way that I can call in and give an update for my recovery journal and I am going to use it, in addition to my daily meetings and calls with my sponsor to get more out of my own head, more honest and the like. Please feel free to comment and share your thoughts.

So, you guys ever feel like you’ve been stuck before? (That’s a rhetorical questions) I’ve been feeling that way for over a month now. I started this website as a journey for myself, but I think I’ve let myself believe that I needed to have all the answers, that I needed to have no setbacks, in essence, that I needed to be perfect in order to keep sharing my efforts here. Along the way some have assumed that because I created a site to help people with their struggles with pornography that I myself have completely overcome them. Not so, but I AM trying.

It takes a lot to admit your flaws, to admit that you’re not where you want to be. It’s difficult to be vulnerable with friends, let alone a whole bunch of strangers who find their way to your website. So, I’ve been avoiding updating everyone on my status and reaching out to those who have answers and interviewing them over the last couple months. I know it’s normal to feel fear, but it’s not as common to admit it and face it. I’ve once again come to the conclusion that the more I open up and share from the heart the more I am able to walk through the fear instead of cowering in a corner each time I feel it.

The last two weeks I’ve gone back to my 12 step program that I think I’ve been avoiding. I also met today with my religious leader. I’m setting goals to move on with my life, I’m planning my days and turning my desires over to a higher power. Through all of this I have been learning that strength comes from honesty. I felt that before and had even begun writing a book about it. It just feels like I can’t write until learn more about the topic. There’s a reason I guess that I keep relearning the need for honesty. Each time I close up and try to hide things from those who offer their help to me I jump onto a superficial plane where I’m not able to progress. It feels like I’m trying to ride my bike to a destination hundreds of miles away, but doing it on a stationary bike.

I often think about the interviews I’ve done up until this point with great men and women and they’ve all had one thing in common, they’ve all shown me in one way or another that they’ve had courage in the face of fear.

I just want to say thank you to those who have listened, who have supported me endlessly (even when I don’t appear to be making any progress) and for the friends, family and strangers who have shared with me hope and much needed love. YOU keep me going. YOU inspire me to try again. YOU lift me up when I fall and I thank you for it. I’m getting back up and I hope to join you again. Let’s fight the good fight.

So I had a friend contact me and mention that they heard about this Porn Sunday that was going to be going on to get people talking openly about the topic so the many that need help can break the chains of silence that keep them stuck in unwanted & destructive behaviors. I was intrigued. Then another friend mentioned that they heard about it on NPR. Well, I had hit the panic button on my computer on Friday because I was starting to use it an unhealthy way and I didn’t get it reset until Monday. So I missed the initial premier, but am glad that I caught it all in the aftermath and had to share with you a little bit about the efforts that Craig Gross & his XXX Church is making to open the discussion. It’s exciting to see those that many look up to as heroes begin to speak out.

Here’s the NPR Story, Religious Groups Tackle An X-Rated Secret

National Porn Sunday Talk from XXXchurch on Vimeo.

I have thought a lot on the idea of where real worth comes from. I recall leaving home to do some mission work in a foreign country. It was wonderful and up till that point I had never felt closer to God as I had then. But somewhere along the way things got tougher and while not understanding all the reasons, I faltered and lost confidence and power in my efforts to bring people to the arms of Christ. I’ve often looked back on that to try to determine what it was that contributed to the good times and what it was that I did to loose my footing.

Recently I came to some important understandings about my life. During the WRAP Week interviews for the Honest Answers Podcast I was introduced to a 21 Day Program of Tony Litster‘s in which he walked me through some activities to help me “clear out the weeds” in the garden of my mind. We evaluated why I do what I do, the beliefs behind the actions, etc. After the weeding, and all along the way actually, he shared this idea of being enough. The idea same idea was shared by other guests throughout the week as well and it slowly started to sink in…until one day I was feeling some urges to act out my addiction, but decided instead to turn to God. It was incredible how he helped me to see what the urge was all about, what was driving the powerful feelings of lust. It’s like he took the blinders away and allowed me to see things as they really were. That time I was simply hungry. The next time I turned to Him my eyes were opened to see that I feared never really being loved.

Each time I’ve turned to him during these moments of temptation, I’ve been filled with a love from heaven that let’s me know I am enough, period. My worth is not based on my weaknesses, character flaws or even poor choices I’ve made. Do those things bring sorrow? Sure they do, but they don’t change the way that my Father Above feels about me. And they don’t need to weigh me down with sorrow or shame, in essence keeping from reaching my full potential. My worth is constant.

So, with this new understanding I looked back on my mission experience & I saw things with new eyes. Because I unknowing attaching my worth to my behaviors I felt great during the time I was doing good, but when I began to slip, I had concluded that my worth too had somehow slipped as well. That contributed to a downward spiral and led me right back into patterns that I had left behind for near a year’s time.

Well, I want to remind myself and you as well that God loves you infinitely. In His eyes you are GREAT! There is NOTHING you can do that will ever change that. Understanding this helped me get past the barriers that I had put up between Him & I. Knowing that He was constant in his ability to love me gave me permission to go to Him when I was slipping and work through the hard feelings so I could again stand on firm ground. You are MORE than the choices that you’ve made. You are God’s kid!