Unfortunately, at that school, my sister and I would often get teased, taunted and bullied for not ‘fitting in’ with the majority of our classmates. My sister and I were also often ‘picked at’ during recess or lunch hour, and we were told that we were ‘dirty’ for not being able to wash the brown off of our skin.  Other traumatic experiences included:  teachers also being equally as unwelcoming as my classmates and turning a blind eye to their behaviours.  I also remember during my first day of school, my teacher did not speak a word to me (or my sister) simply because she assumed that we did not speak English.

I have never shared this to my readers, as it is a painfully personal memory.  I do not wish to re-live these rather traumatic or bitter-sweet memories and do not wish to spread negative complaints, elicit compassion or anger on my behalf from others.  I have many positive memories since those days and would only wish to express how these painful experiences have actually strengthened me.  In fact, my editor was not happy with this article and chose to reject it entirely.  I sense that it may have hit a raw nerve with her and so I’ve decided to post this as my blog entry instead.

Still prevalent in Canadian schools ?

I believe that similar issues are still prevalent throughout Canadian schools today.  Many ‘different’ children are still being bullied and teachers (god-bless them!) may also knowingly or unknowingly be passing on their own values, beliefs, assumptions and indifferences to their students.

How these experiences have shaped my perceptions

Although I wouldn’t understand that then, I now look back at those years and those students and realize that they were only repeating the ignorance that their parents taught them. I will discuss bullying, the school system and trauma at a different time, but I’d like to express the importance of embracing difference in this blog platform. Difference can be seen through race, ethnicity, sexuality, disability, mental illness,  or any life experience that you, your life or a loved ones may not have been directly touched by.

It wasn’t until later on in my adult life that I realized that ‘being different’ also was a gift of being unique.  This would really be an asset that most these other children would never have the privilege of experiencing or developing. For instance, I now have a thorough understanding of diversity, cultural sensitivity and cultural competency because I grew up in a multi-generational family from an ethnic minority that not only spoke various languages, but actively practiced a different religion, cultural norms, values, and traditions that were different from ‘mainstream’ Canadian families.  It is this upbringing that I believe has strengthened my openness to working with different groups of people today.

Is the experience of racism and discrimination changing in Canada?

My difficult experiences during my early childhood are examples of discrimination and racism that an immigrant, refugee or newcomer child and family endures and experiences from the majority culture or community.  It is good to see that our definition of being ‘Canadian’ is actually changing.

While growing up in the late seventies and early eighties, racism and discrimination were not hidden, whereas in my opinion, it has gone somewhat underground or is more hidden in our mainstream culture simply because it is not politically correct in our modern culture.  But in my opinion, racism or discrimination to those who are different hasn’t gone away or been ‘cured’ yet.  And more controversially, I believe that this issue has become more visible during Canada’s recent debilitating economic downturn in our economy.

Diversity

Diversity is a very important aspect of Canadian culture and society.  These unique differences are what permits and supports the creation of a patchwork quilt of backgrounds, cultures, languages, ethnicities, cultural norms, values, traditions and experiences that have provided Canada with the unique identity of communities co-existing with the common thread of being Canadian.  In recent times, discriminatory and racist values, beliefs and norms from various groups of Canadians have re-entered the Canadian sphere.  These Canadians seem to believe that newcomers should ‘assimilate’ and completely let go of their previous languages, cultures, traditions, and beliefs and literally blend into Canadian society like all other ‘Canadians’.

It is an absolute necessity for new Canadians to learn English (our national language other than French), learn about Canadian history and create new ‘Canadian’ traditions, norms and experiences as Canadians – but how can newcomers or those who are ‘different’ balance their differences in their previous identities through language, cultural and ethnic backgrounds with the expectations of being a ‘Canadian’?

Some thought-provoking questions about assimilation versus diversity and the effects of economic recessions on political and social views

It’s a slippery slope that and a fine line between wanting to ‘assimilate’ as the Americans do in their ‘melting pot’ of assimilation.  I wonder if this thinking has become more common during our recent economic recession, during which groups of people tend to withdraw out of fear, frustration, insecurity and anger and then start to demand that others (such as newcomers) not receive ‘specialized services’ based upon the fact that they are immigrants.  These same folks believe that immigrants haven’t earned their rights to access supports and services as these people have.   During recessions, there is a political, economic and social pressure to limit and cut back on programs and services geared to support newcomers.  This then makes me wonder whether this form of racism and discrimination ever really went away? But let’s get past these issues and problems and explore some solutions shall we?

This so-called ‘specialty-treatment’ may actually help support our future workforce if we invest in this population now. Can we get past the financial, emotional and social insecurity during these tough economic?  These times often do ‘force’ people to behave out of insecurity and fear? Or do these unfortunately ‘unchanging’ beliefs, values and morals shine through during these times of disparity?

Final thoughts

Ultimately, I believe that we all truly want to belong to a greater entity and work towards a greater purpose or good in our lives.  We should be permitted to live amongst our unique differences and similarities without being criticized for our decisions.  Afterall, isn’t the fabric of complexity of differences what truly makes ‘Canadians’ unique? Our diversity within diversity allows us to create a unique identity of groups of people who bring together different strengths and characteristics that will strengthen this country during the tougher economic times.  And, we are gaining such a rich understanding of people’s histories and lives that could only strengthen us as ‘Canadians’.

Although positive strides are being made, mental health professionals are still lagging behind in developing their cultural competence, cultural sensitivity, and in their overall awareness of the specific needs and issues and that newcomers face.  In fact, mental health professionals are only beginning to understand the poor mental health and mental disorders, specific dynamics and increased unique risks that immigrant and refugee groups face.  Such little has been known within these fields that its own field of cross-cultural practice has only begun to scratch the surface of researching and increasing the way in which immigrants and refugees have been perceived, understood, and supported.

Professionals are gradually beginning to see differences in risks, issues that will increase their cultural sensitivity within various newcomers groups.  For instance, refugees and those seeking asylum have a higher risk of mental health problems because of the physical, emotional, social and economic stresses that relate to the specific experiences of settlement, resettlement, and adaptation while entering a different community and starting a new life. These newcomers, also require different supports based on their possible conditions of living in regions of conflict, loss of families, friends, home, status, income.  And finally, refugees will require different supports than other types of newcomers simply because they may face different types and intensities of post-traumatic stress, unemployment, poverty, social isolation, cultural misunderstanding, shock, racism, feelings of worthlessness and language difficulties.

Lastly, newcomers who are visible minorities face a different type of racism than those who are ‘less visible’.  Researchers are finding that racism contributes to increased emotional problems and psychiatric symptoms particularly those related to depression.  Racism, has been linked to further mistreatment, confusion, anger and often disillusionment of newcomers who are already facing different cultural and spiritual ideas to health, illness & healing.

Therefore, racism is a very real experience with very real mental health consequences in the daily lives of these immigrants. This coupled with the complex experiences of cultural perceptions and attitudes that encourage stigma, shame, and denial further discourage newcomers to receive adequate, timely and non-judgmental support and treatments.

Mental health and wellness in Canada’s South Asian community has continued to be a taboo topic and this community is only beginning to have a healthy dialogue regarding it.  Organizations such as SAMHAA (South Asian Action & Awareness at www.samhaa.org), with the support of a number of community volunteers and organizations such as the CMHA (Canadian Mental Health Agency); have begun a movement and are designing a platform whereby South Asians can discuss and increase our consciousness about mental health and wellness by increasing awareness within our families, our loved ones and especially within ourselves.

An Australian research study examined multicultural mental health and has defined mental health and well-being as being culturally bound, but it has also found that the definition of mental health and wellness is a universal one -regardless of one’s cultural, religious, gender, and socio-economic status.

Well-being is Universal:

• feeling and being safe & secure
• having meaningful & trusting relationships
• having a sense of belonging to a social group
• having a sense of identity
• having basic needs of life met such as housing, food, clothing & water
• being in control of one’s own life
• being independent
• feeling good about one’s self
• having physical & psychological health needs attended to
• having traumatic experiences validated
• having a sense of optimism or hope for the future
• Source: Multicultural Mental Health Australia

For more information please visit the website: http://www.heretohelp.bc.ca and Crosscultural Mental Health Issues.

However, there are many culturally-specific factors and barriers that we must acknowledge in visible ethnic minorities such as in South Asians before we can go further in this conversation.

Some culturally-specific factors and barriers include:

• a lack of awareness about mental health & wellness
• defining what is accepted & considered ‘normal’
• understanding factors that increase poor mental health & mental disorder
• deciding how we perceive, accept & move forward in a positive manner after we or a family member gets diagnosed with a mental illness or disorder
• stigma & superstition

Factors such as racism along with the stresses of daily living, and discrimination increase the risks of South Asians developing mental disorders, emotional and behavioural difficulties along with psychiatric symptoms – but the single most difficult barrier to seeking support for mental health concerns is cultural attitudes.   Cultural attitudes have been pivotal for increasing behaviours that encourage denial and avoidance, which then delay the process of seeking help from mental health professionals.

Interestingly, although newcomers and immigrant populations such as those within the South Asian community face more stress, they are less likely to seek support and guidance from a mental health professional than a Euro-Canadian. This group may in fact have an increased risk of physical, emotional, social and economic stresses because of immigration, resettlement and settlement especially during the early years of becoming a Canadian citizen.  Moreover, these processes become even more complex if people are also experiencing various stresses from: having to move and transition, grief and loss of previous comforts, employment income and financial stability, home, status, family and loved ones and identity.

With all of these increased risks to poor mental health and wellness – is it any wonder why South Asians are not seeking support?  There are many factors and barriers that are preventing families to acknowledge and seek support.  These include: increased post-traumatic stress, unemployment, poverty, social isolation, cultural misunderstanding and shock, racism, feelings of worthlessness and language skills which are many experiences that are keeping many South Asians to continue suffering from mental health related issues.

However, whether we are discussing first generation or third generation South Asian Canadians, there are distinct issues related to experiencing racism, discrimination, shame, guilt and stigma.  We know that when one family member is diagnosed with a mental illness or disorder, the entire family will feel the shame, guilt, discrimination and stigma from others – especially from within this community.

As a collectivist community, our families identify as a group and so the entire family will share the denial, confusion, anger, blame, guilt, and shame.  In doing so, families will hide and stop others within our community from discovering their ‘family secret’ related to mental illness. Finally, South Asian families are experiencing an increase in mental health issues related to depression, anxiety, addiction and substance misuse and prescription dependence, violence in relationships and families, gang violence, bullying, and eating disorders.

Family members will often feel and experience a sense of responsibility and often blame themselves for their child or family member who is mentally unwell.  This guilt and blame often result in an experience of shame and further makes the ‘unwell’ family member to become even more vulnerable to receiving little to none or inadequate mental health support and to further experience shame, stigma and discrimination from others.

Therefore, South Asians (like other Canadians from Eastern cultures), often together feel the shame, guilt and fear to discuss mental illness and addiction.  These feelings and actions hugely influence how vulnerable and how long a family will live in denial or by ‘pushing issues under the rug’.  This way to cope for families can then seriously delay a diagnosis and a treatment plan until issues become more severe.

So in essence, this fear of mental illness has more to do with how others in the South Asian community will perceive the family and family member rather than the fear of the mental illness itself. For this reason, families tend to hide the fact that they or a family member has been diagnosed with a mental health condition in the first place. And it’s been repeatedly proven that ethnic minorities face more stigma and more harshly than other groups in Canada.

But let’s not forget that we’ve only begun to scratch the surface of working with mental health professionals to enhance appropriate multi-lingual, culturally- and spiritually-sensitive services within the community.  Although we have embarked on a remarkable journey in the past few years, there are still many factors that our mental health professionals themselves are facing that are delaying adequate, respectful, culturally-sensitive and timely support to families such as those from our South Asian community.

Obstacles to better mental health care include the lack of cultural awareness of mental health and wellness, the need for mental health resources and services, and how to move forward once the need for mental health services has been established.

Other barriers include: how mental health and lack of mental health is perceived and treated, cultural differences and approaches, racism and discrimination from mental health professionals themselves and the lack of services catered to culturally-specific needs of ethnic minority communities who may be struggling from further complex issues of immigration, re-settlement and settlement and the perpetuating of negative thoughts, attitudes, perceptions, behaviours and actions carried on between the different generations.

As one can see there are many factors that are keeping South Asian families from replacing their negative cultural attitudes towards mental illness with more positive ones.  We must shift our thoughts from thinking about ‘looking after our own’ towards encouraging, planning, forming and delivering services to suit all ethno-cultural groups and for each of us to know that we have places to go to seek support.

This is an important dialogue that has a profound influence over the quality of our lives.  This discussion will facilitate and help bridge the gap between our cultural struggles and our resilient community.  This bridge will also symbolize a higher consciousness in which we examine the impact that our cultural attitudes have in re-defining, perceiving, and finding treatment to health, well-being, addiction and recovery.  Our culturally-specific aspects of the South Asian culture that value balance and harmony through remedies and treatments along with the family-shared responsibility can be used as a way to strengthen instead of limit how we work with mental health professionals and to support each other.

We can in fact use many of our Eastern approaches to collaborate our sense of spirituality, emotional, physical and social components with the Western promotion of physical and mental health.  Moreover, this sharing of knowledge along with the interaction between the mind, body and spirit can in fact make our Western-based clinical settings much more culturally-sensitive, culturally- competent and well-rounded.  There is hope and there are many actions that the South Asian community can take to increase our sense of awareness and understanding about mental health and wellness.

In ending, SAMHAA would like to make a call to action for all community members to spare some of their time, skills and expertise to volunteer for this movement, organization and upcoming conference this year. SAMHAA is currently planning their first annual conference to be held on October 8^th and 9^th in 2011 where this will be a two day multilingual conference for all age groups. This community forum will bring discussions of mental health in the South Asian community to the forefront and will serve as a forum for awareness, acceptance, support and empowerment around mental health issues.

Please visit: http://samhaa.org or Twitter: @SouthAsianMH, or visit Facebook at http://samhaa.org/facebook for more information and to sign up on the Volunteer List.

Do you wake up in the morning feeling stressed, overwhelmed and even more tired than the night before?  Do you feel as if you are being pulled in many directions everyday? If you are; you are definitely not alone!

Research indicates that increasing numbers of women are feeling even more overwhelmed than their previous generation.  Our modern day family dynamics have become very complex.  So what is going on here?  Is our sense of what is ‘ideal’ or ‘perfect’ not realistic?  Are women juggling too many tasks? Can this be why women are ‘stuck’ feeling guilty, incompetent, insecure, and simply stressed out?

Although things are changing for Canadian families, changes in South Asian families in Canada are even more subtle and gradual.  Our families are becoming more complex  for many reasons.  For one, our traditional values, roles & expectations are simply not keeping up with the Westernized version of these aspects.  And balancing our cultural heritage with our Westernized identity is not easy. Finally, South Asian women in more ‘traditional’ families are still taking on most of the commitments and responsibilities of household chores.  Some of these include: cooking, entertaining, child rearing or parenting and grocery shopping for the household.  In most cases, we need to also add the outside duties of maintaining a career as well as the demands at home.

It seems that we are trying to do everything and be there for everyone , but we are neglecting the single most important core to all of this – us! Without our good health and a fair balance, our loved ones  will no doubt suffer as well.

It may be a ‘Westernized’ way of thinking to some of you; but we need to put ourselves on that top ten list as well!  Although I can certainly think of a few women who seem to have no problems putting their needs first, this is very uncommon and most of us are challenged with this ‘Super Woman’ syndrome.  So why are we putting ourselves last?

The idea of the ‘Super Woman’ itself probably originated from Western culture.  The intentions were good in trying to create a sense of equality, partnership and respect for the female as a Goddess – as century old religions have taught us.  But in our modern day world, these increased abilities, skills & expectations have actually burdened women rather than helped them.  Our ‘feminine super powers’ seem to be taken for granted as opposed to being valued.  More and more women are trying to balance life’s tight rope of Eastern and Western lifestyles.  As a result we may be at a risk of not really ‘achieving’ or ‘completing’ anything!  The reality is that there is no recipe or ‘right way’ of managing our lives.  This control and balance changes from day to day.  Some days will be better than others and what feels right for one, may not feel the same for another.  It is good to remember that there is always hope.

Below are FIVE simple steps to finding that precious balance in our lives:

1. Get your family involved by delegating tasks.  We can’t do everything!
2. Plan, organize and prioritize your day, week and month by including your time at work and time off; doing what you love doing.  This idea is about  budgeting your time both at work and at home.
3. Give yourself at least 15 to 20 minutes everyday to sit, reflect and meditate. These precious moments by yourself will help you focus and control interruptions and distractions throughout your day.
4. Explore options at work such as flex time, benefits, job-sharing, part-time work, paid & unpaid leave, child care and realistic work loads with your employer.  You will find it easier to come up with unique solutions by getting your boss on board as well.
5. Have some fun by making your time away from work more valuable.  Let loose, and give yourself a mental, emotional, and physical break!  Stop being so hard on yourself!

Self-care and self-awareness is not about being ‘selfish’.  Instead, it’s about balancing these aspects with our self-giving or sacrificing selves as women. This struggle is to not only to balance our work and lives but to also re-align our Eastern and Western identities.

Some areas of our lives will definitely suffer in trying to effectively juggle the Indian and Canadian aspects of our cultures, but it’s when we come to terms with the fact that we cannot do it all that we will be more at ease!  In doing so, we can effectively be better daughters, sisters, wives, mothers, and colleagues. And as women, we must give support to one another.  After all; who understands a woman better than a woman?



However, with the challenges of starting a new life in a new country, many immigrant families tend to be understandably overwhelmed during the survival stage and aspects such as parenting tend to be neglected.  For immigrants, parenting like all other roles is usually ‘dealt with’ when an issue arises.   During this survival stage, there is no luxury of time to truly nurture your relationships with your children – or is there? I would argue that there is.

Like most things during these early stages of adaptation and transition as newcomers, parents tend to forget that many negative issues can be prevented all together.  For example, the role of parenting goes beyond feeding your children, or dealing with a bad report card or misbehaviour. Many ‘issues’ can in fact be prevented altogether.  And immigrant parents can shift their views on the role of parenting to be more accountable, transparent, inspiring and meaningful.

With factors such as having little to no time with little money, it is natural for immigrant parents to fulfill the most important tasks such as finding survival jobs to pay for bills, to feed and support families.  But time & effort needs to also be given towards developing and nurturing a quality relationship with your children. This is where I often ask newcomer parents – what is more important: taking an extra job to provide more comforts, once the basic needs are fulfilled or to use that extra time to spend with your child?

Traditionally, parenting was viewed as a role providing food, shelter, clothing and basic physical, emotional, economic needs.  But fulfilling these needs do become difficult when newcomers are already dealing with transition and trying to create a new identity while they are still grieving the loss of their previous countries, lifestyles, support systems, traditional customs, values and beliefs.  The role of parenting also becomes more complex as parents begin to shift how they perceive and respond to the changing beliefs, views, and expectations towards parenting.

Parents are now realizing the importance of having positive, engaging, relevant and meaningful relationships with their children.  While doing so, they are also beginning to shift some of their learned traditional ways of parenting.  This is not to say that Eastern methods of parenting are backwards or archaic – but saying that since we are in a different culture, generation, and time – that perhaps parents can find a tailored and more effective style of child-focused parenting which meets their children’s individual needs.

Essentially we are going beyond simply bridging the Eastern and Western cultures and using more universal styles of parenting.  For example, our approach to meeting our children’s needs must be more unique, and different to how our own emotional, mental and spiritual needs were met when we were children. Once parents can meet the basic needs such as shelter, food, clothing, then other these other needs can be fulfilled as well.

Through extensive knowledge and experience, we are realizing just how significant parents truly are in their children’s lives.  Parents are not only responsible for providing for their child’s basic needs in growth and development, but they serve as very influential people throughout their children’s lives as role models.  This is where challenging age-old adages such as, ”Do as I say and not as I do.” is a process of creating an open and engaging parenting style.  Many immigrant parents have lived by this old saying without realizing the negative impact that it has on the future thoughts, behaviours, and actions of their children.

Along with meeting your child’s needs comes the concept of unconditional love. Traditionally, parents learned to use their love as currency to encourage positive results and success in our children.  But we are now truly finding how many problems have been created with this form of conditional parenting.  Studies are repeatedly finding that those children who were raised in unconditional loving homes tended to have better self-confidence, self-esteem, resilience, and tended to give that unconditional love back in all their relationships.  Moreover these children tended to be well-balanced and happier throughout their lives.

So parenting, is not as easy or simple as it may have been when our parents or grandparents took on this profound work.  However, it has remained one of the most challenging and inspiring ‘jobs’.  As you can see, parenting styles must universally bridge the Eastern and the Western cultural parenting styles of becoming more open, fair, and accountable.  As a society we are demanding that organizations and companies are more transparent, accountable, and inspiring – just as we are in our parenting styles.

Did you know that each of us is given a gift of a total of 8,760 hours in 2011?  But many of these hours will be spent sleeping, commuting, standing in line or in meetings.

Listed below are ten of the most commonly requested entities, attributes, actions, and aspects that will support you in creating your ideal life:

1. More time to quietly reflect, contemplate, meditate & more time to re-connect with yourself and your loved ones.

Your aim is to create an identity that goes beyond your job title, your home, your possessions, marital status, income, social and financial status and beyond your roles in life such as being a parent.Your loved ones may have individual lessons different from your life lessons, however each of us is simultaneously on a connected journey with others.  This connection is what will create a sense of belonging while we are on the ‘same team’. And finally, this collective sense of belonging can further be expanded by thinking about how your neighbours, community, and how all human beings belong to this ‘same team’.

The Buddhists believe that, ’All suffering in the world is a result of the socially induced hallucination of the separate self.’ However, the separate self does not exist because we are all members of one consciousness field. We are all part of one consciousness that is contained in the mind of the divine. When we forget this we suffer, but when we remember this we will experience spontaneous divine attributes such as love, kindness, compassion, harmony, and experiencing joy at the success of others because you feel connected to them while they are connected to you.  A state of happiness is created when you have a sense of belonging to their lives that are larger than your life. Finally, the more connected you are to others the healthier and happier you are.

2. More goals instead of resolutions.

By creating a sense of togetherness and awareness that each of us is inter-connected, it becomes easier to create and to solidify personal strengths, goals and memories.  You can begin this process by:

a) Completing a year-end self, family, and career review. By measuring your progress with your actual plans you have a better sense of awareness.

b) Writing down your hopes and plans that you were able to accomplish.

c) Writing down what your coping mechanisms were during the difficult times of 2010.

d) Making a list of what realistic goals will help to keep you on track. e) Creating mini-goals, medium and larger goals.

f) Solidifying your intention, willingness & commitment to these goals.

Goals are more effective than a passive resolution because they accompany an expiry date, a plan and an increased personal accountability and investment to create change.

3. More love, laughter, creativity, visualization, inspiration, celebration & playfulness to replace worry, fear, hostility, resentment, cynical mistrust, anxiety & depression.

Once you are able to survive, the next natural step is to thrive.  And this is only possible when we are inspired to create.  Thoughts, emotions and actions of creativity and inspiration are then inter-connected and fundamental in creating a sense of purposeful existence, stability, honour, respect and love.

Great leaders find the best in themselves and in turn are able to inspire, engage and mobilize others even within the most demanding circumstances.

4. More patience, tolerance, gratitude and appreciation of beauty in all things in life, especially life’s little things.

a) Think of three to five things in your life that you are most thankful for and why you are most thankful for these people, circumstances, experiences, attributes, thoughts emotions or actions and express them to the originator.

b) Write down the three to five biggest lessons that you learned in 2010.

c) Brain-storm fifteen to thirty problems that you solved successfully in all areas of your life.

d) What was the best single moment in your 2010?

e) Create and write down your vision, mission and values statements together with your goals for 2011.  This exercise will help to re-boot your inspiration and create structure to fulfill your life’s purpose.

5. More energy, health and confidence.

To be able to trust others, you first need to have trust in yourself.   Feelings of trust can then replace self-doubt or feelings of insecurity. Once, you’ve created a sense of trust, it is easier to build upon the foundations of self-love, self-confidence and unconditional love for yourself and others so that you can live a life of meaning and purpose.

By establishing a sense of unconditional love, you are able to respect and honour your own needs to take care of your mental, physical, emotional, spiritual, social and financial health.

With today’s technology we have access to so many resources and opportunities to increase our energy and health.  Ironically, cellular phones and computers have further disconnected us instead of keeping the human race connected.  So this result requires that we seek a more balanced existence.  Moreover, many people have neglected to prioritize these aspects into their daily lives.  By introducing even thirty minutes of daily exercise or activity, you will notice that you are also creating a sense of balance in all areas of your life.

6. More focus on your strengths as your gifts to bless your life and the lives of others.

We need to accept but not focus on our ‘flaws’.  By focusing more on the strengths & developing these further, we are not only practicing the ‘Laws of Attraction’, but we are also creating more positivity in our lives.  Although flaws enable us to be complete, authentic and allow us to be less judgemental of others.  By being less judgemental of others, we can avoid creating social masks of our own and embrace our ‘own truths’.  Examples of these social masks would include those who are living a lifestyle to ‘keep up’ with the expectations of others instead of following the compass of their own values and inner truths.

But beyond recognition and awareness of our flaws, we cannot spend more energy or time on them because they will simply detour us from creating positivity and from building and expanding on our strengths.

7. More humility, forgiveness, kindness, compassion, contentment & joy from others’ happiness.

There appears to be a dangerously increasing trend of coping with insecurity by creating feelings of jealousy and a sense of joy by watching others fail.  The act of competition has truly become off-kilter and has encouraged negative thoughts, emotions and actions towards others.  This is the opposite of the basic principles related to the ‘Laws of Attraction’. And needless to say, this scenario will take one further away from creating a sense of humility, forgiveness, kindness, compassion, contentment and joy from watching others succeed.

8. More peace and positive energy to practice the, ’Laws of Attraction’.

To attract more of the ‘good stuff’ in your life, you need to focus on building, strengthening, focusing, and finding more of the ‘good stuff’ that you already have in your life.  That is the core belief for practicing the ‘Laws of Attraction’.  For example, to find more love in your life, you need to feel gratitude for the originators or sources of love that are already in your life.  Then the key is to focus on how to give more love to others so that you can feel joy in watching others receive love and joy from you.  You then will receive more of it in return.  These are examples of actions that need to replace the negative thoughts, feelings and actions.

9. More mindfulness or ‘presence of mind, body & spirit’, balance, simplicity and enlightened conscious living.

This ancient skill of mindfulness involves the ability to slow down our minds for long enough to observe our breathing, our subjective experience, and our thoughts.  Buddhists and Hindus have been practicing this age-old technique through their various forms of meditation and mantra chanting.  This technique is increasingly being practiced out in the West.

It is only when we are in a relaxed state of mind, that we can effectively have reactions that accompany a relaxed acceptance.  It is here that we can get closer to our own truths, once we are able to withhold judgment of others.  Moreover, to boost self-esteem, we must let go of our attachments to a particular outcome.  By doing so, pressure can be removed from ourselves and now we can make more conscious and mindful choices about how we spend our time and what we allocate our efforts to.  It’s been proven repeatedly that once your basic needs are met, it is the quality of your relationships instead of more money that will lead you to more happiness.  Lastly, actions such as exercise, health, and fitness can also combat depression and improve sleep quality.

10. More authenticity and listening more to your heart’s voice

The act of ‘contemplating’ is to keep a thought in your consciousness while putting attention on your heart. By being present you will be better able to deal with thoughts, emotions, cravings and prevent actions that are detrimental to you and to others.

By re-connecting with your values, your truths, and your unique sense of self, you are essentially enabling and offering yourself as a resourceful vehicle, avenue outlet or gift to support others.  This is the true essence of meaning, peace, happiness and joy.  By allowing these attributes you will then be able to discover contentment, compassion, and spontaneity that will in turn attract more self-confidence, self-love and unconditional acceptance of others.

Four nursing practicum students initiated this resource with the encouragement and support from their professor: Dr. Gurm, who in turn, has successfully created a partnership with Progressive Intercultural Community Services Society (P.I.C.S) to house this project.  These five students saw the desperate need for this resource after they realized that this service was not being offered anywhere.  So instead of being defeated by the lack of resources, these nurses became even more determined to launch this Immigrant Women’s Resource Clinic.

As I met with each of these nurses, I saw the passion and vision in each of their eyes to create and to birth this urgently needed haven for women to feel safe in disclosing, discussing, and accessing knowledge and support for their personal and crucial health issues.  In speaking with Dr. Gurm, I was reminded that women still face many barriers towards health and wellness and in fact this situation has only worsened throughout the years.  And with additional factors such as crucial government cut backs during difficult economic times, similar initiatives have come and gone quickly throughout the years.

All guests who attended this grand opening were privy to a Powerpoint presentation that exhibited statistics and information to reinforce how the lack of formal health care services equally reflects the lack of knowledge and awareness shared by women, especially immigrant women.  Issues such as isolation, lack of knowledge, and prehistoric cultural taboos that encourage the lack of control over decision-making serve as barriers that these women continue to face.  For me, it was shocking to hear how many women don’t have their own physician and how many immigrant women still practice out-dated methods (that their elders use) to address their personal health and wellness issues.  Many of these women also continue to remain out of touch with modern day solutions for many medical issues that perhaps other groups of women continue to take for granted. So for these reasons alone, I applaud the hard work and persistence of these five students and their professor.  City of Surrey’s Mayor Diane Watts (who is currently the fourth best mayor in the world) describes this initiative as, ”women helping women and becoming educated about their own health and how to access health professionals.” And on behalf of the City of Surrey, she has generously offered a one-time donation of two thousand dollars.

In ending, this initiative was not possible without the inspiration of the Kwantlen nursing students, Dr. Gurm.  And it wasn’t possible without the generosities of P.I.C.S in providing a haven, Direct Furniture who donated and furnished the resource clinic and to the City of Surrey for their support towards this project.  I left from there feeling very excited, motivated and energized by the leadership practiced by a fabulous professor and her nursing students.  Another wonderful reminder that it only takes a few people to brainstorm, envision, to birth and to finally nurture a project through its infancy stages and beyond.  For donations please contact: Dr. Gurm at 604 599 2267 or email her at: balbir.gurm@kwantlen.ca

These are a few key questions each and every one of us must ask ourselves when we are self-reflecting and trying to find some balance, simplicity, routine and happiness in our daily lives.  However, if you didn’t answer these questions favourably – there is still hope!  With every passing moment, you are making a decision about how you will be living your life and only you have control over that thought to do something in the form of action.  Unfortunately, most of us have in the past or now live in a state of auto – pilot where we are living unconsciously.  In this state, if we are not making proactive decisions ourselves, then these decisions are becoming decided for us.  For example, if you are choosing (whether consciously or subconsciously) not to exercise and take care of yourself – your body will eventually decide for you with an illness or condition.  This news may come in the form of a crisis or warning and may have been preventable in the first place.  But even after being diagnosed with having a higher risk of a heart attack, diabetes or cancer by your physician – the ultimate question then is whether you are making the conscious effort to exercise or eat healthier even after its been suggested to do so!

Living in a conscious state of mind will help you to become proactive about your decision-making in all areas of your life.  And this is where the concept of balance becomes important.  Whether it’s about managing finances, parenting, your health, or your level of consumption as an individual or family – you are making some sort of decision and you are choosing how you want to live your life. These proactive decisions will then support you to get back to who you are in your truest ideal form.  It is believed that we do not need to go outside to search for our ‘true selves’ but that we are really there all along.  It is during your most quiet times of solitude and reflection (such as during meditation) when you can ‘tap into’ this truest version of yourself. And it is this authentic self that will help you to get back to your child-like spontaneous, content and happy self.

Shifting gears now, let’s talk about how your life choices actually influence all areas in your life.  This year may have been a very difficult one for you financially, mentally, emotionally, physically and/or spiritually and you may have struggled to maintain a happy and healthy balance amongst all of these areas. As you probably know, even if one of these areas in your life becomes ‘off kilter’, then all other areas will have been strained and challenged as well.  For example, if you were laid off this year, your loss in financial stability will have put all the other areas out of balance until you were able to find that elusive balance again.  Here, you may have been conflicted with being supportive, empathetic, or loving in all your relationships.  But on the flip side, this challenge may have strengthened your support–system and the way in which you connected with others.  Here, most aspects of your life and relationships may have become much more positive and rewarding.  With either way of coping, this financial, mental, physical, emotional and spiritual crisis can be viewed as an opportunity to become a better and loving human being.  More importantly, a setback does not need to define you and the remaining of your life.  So indeed, you have the power to choose to move on even after a calamity.

After discussing balance, we can now get back to re-discovering your child-like spontaneity, satisfaction, and happiness.  But how do we achieve this state of mind amongst all of the conflicting circumstances and relationships? While you are striving to become a ‘better’ person, it is also your responsibility to do your part in bettering your community around you.  In the country of Denmark for instance, people there have created a community and government that is based upon the entire community’s core beliefs, values and morals instead of a few powerful and rich decision-makers. Interestingly, in Denmark – a balance between work and family life is inherently valued.  And most Danish leave work by 4 or 4:30 pm to buy their daily food staples, to then return home to cook and eat their meals together everyday.

Also, in Denmark, 1/3 of their population uses bicycles as their main form of transportation and generally they consume, own minimal belongings and live in much smaller spaces to reflect their respect for the environment and consumerism.  Here the Danish believe that less space and less material belongings will equate to more life. And homelessness, poverty and unemployment are extremely low there.  If a person loses their job, the government continues to pay up to ninety percent of their salary for four years and maternity leave for women can be from six months to a year.  Last of all education (even University education), healthcare and childcare is absolutely free there.  However to enjoy these societal benefits, the Danes pay high income taxes and willingly do so because they believe that it is their responsibility to do so.  So, it is their core beliefs and values of respecting and honouring the vulnerable that are reflected in their actions individually and collectively.

People from Denmark are also are more spiritual than they are religious and a Danish woman is not compelled to marry unless she really wants to share her life with someone.  There is no pressure in this culture to marry and in fact there seems to be a very liberal perception about women having children without ever marrying.  So in this country, the focus is on the relationships instead of the institution of marriage.  With government policies and morals such as these, it is no wonder that researchers have named the Dames as the happiest people on Earth.

The intention of using the Danes as an example is not to get us to move there or to create a carbon copy of their society.  In fact, the purpose is to show how other countries and communities have found a balance between work and life and how they have managed to reflect their core beliefs in the way they govern their society.  We can truly learn from countries such as Denmark not only to better ourselves, but also to strengthen and solidify our core beliefs, values and morals collectively.  The elimination of fears is evident in societies that preserve, protect, and advocate on behalf of the vulnerable such as the poor, the sick, the young and the elderly and how we choose to treat these vulnerable groups in our society is a great insight as to how advanced we truly are.  In ending, here are ten key strategies that you can use consistently to re-align yourself with your child-like, authentic and happy self again.  Happy Diwali!

Keys to Balance and Happiness in 2011:

1. Spend more time with your family and friends to nurture these relationships
2. Laugh and dance more! And learn to laugh at yourself – life really doesn’t have to be THAT serious ALL the time – does it?
3. Be more spontaneous
4. Participate in activities that bring you contentment and happiness
5. Give back to the community through volunteering or Seva and provide mentorship to others
6. Take care of your all areas of your health (mental, physical, emotional, spiritual and financial)
7. Read good books and travel more
8. Meditate daily and keep a private journal of your most sacred thoughts, feelings & dialogue with yourself
9. Daily write and read your goals & affirmations.  Affirmations are positive attributes or characteristics.
10. Daily compliment & support friends, family, co-workers, strangers and yourself!

We often encounter relatives or family friends whose initial line of questioning also seems to start with; “So what do you do?” or “What are you studying?”.  As they eagerly await your iridescent response – so as to counteract with that ever-so-proud display of what accomplishment their child was bright enough to surmount.  Suffice it to say, that their initial intention wasn’t really to put you down; but merely to elevate both themselves as parents who gave their children the opportunity, and to bask in the spotlight of their spawn.

Far be it from me to tell you what is right and what is wrong, but allow me to respectfully suggest my opinion as to how this mentality can be altered.  First of all, it is natural for parents to want their kids to achieve a certain and higher level of success in their lives.  However, as a society, we need to re-define what success truly implies and why it has many more dimensions than the one dimension that previous generations have been using. Secondly, we need to explore what the parents’ role is in rearing children who are ‘successful’.  Parents have a lot more control than they realize in supporting their children and in some cases a lot less control than they may realize!

Did you know that the most important job in the world: parenting, does not require any form of experience or credentials ?  Most people learn from their parents, relatives and friends and learn how to parent through trial and error.  Also many parents go into a state of auto-pilot as soon as their children are born, without any proactive planning or preparation.  However, this lack of planning and preparation can be a disastrous mistake, especially if the ‘new’ parents are taking on lessons and creating habits from others who unknowingly employed unhealthy and detrimental techniques to approach their child’s health and welfare.

Nonetheless, the intentions for writing this article are not to create fear or to tell all parents what they are doing ‘wrong’.  The purpose here is to help each parent find better positive and healthy ways to rear their children with the increasing challenges in today’s world.  On a side note, I don’t wish to use today’s challenges as a ‘cop-out’ or way of excusing negative or unhealthy ways of parenting.  The basic principles or the inner core of parenting actually remains the same regardless of the times and today’s challenges.

So let’s discuss ‘success’ first shall we?  What comes to your mind when you think of ‘success’ and ‘successful’ children ?  Traditional society, including ethnic communities such as the South Asian community have attempted to use a standard definition that associates success with financial or educational gains.  And this has been a very standardized and one-dimensional way of defining success.

‘Success’ to me needs to include many other areas of a child’s health and welfare.  When I refer to ‘success’, I also include the process of understanding and managing a child’s own emotional, moral (and/or ethical), and spiritual welfare along with the child’s mental, physical (food, clothing, shelter), social and financial welfare.  This multi-dimensional perspective then allows parents to raise and to fulfill many more needs of their child’s in a holistic and well-rounded way. So for me ‘success’ equates to how well-adjusted, well-rounded and physically, mentally, socially, emotionally, morally, spiritually and financially healthy a child is towards coping, managing and thriving throughout his or her life journey.

The emotional well-being of a child is also very crucial in creating a sense of emotional and mental stability and health so that they can approach and cope with all areas of their lives more successfully. We can’t have control over all negative experiences in our lives.  So, we can only embrace, manage or cope with our reactions to these experiences.  As adults, they need to understand that it is normal and okay to feel the ‘negative’ emotions and even express emotions such as fear, anxiety, frustration, anger, disappointment, and sadness.  I continue to see many parents unknowingly try to suppress and discourage their child to feel and express these ‘negative’ emotions without realizing that this is a very unhealthy way of coping and reacting to adversity.  Instead parents need to encourage that experiencing and expressing these emotions is natural.  By telling your children to simply not be upset or frustrated denies the growth and development of managing these feelings and in turn doesn’t teach the children how to cope with these feelings and associated behaviours.

The moral or ethical and spiritual well-being of a children are two additional dimensions of child-rearing that are often unintentionally overlooked when we are talking about children who are well-adjusted, happy and healthy (physically, mentally, emotionally, socially, spiritually and financially).  I agree that society is becoming much more complex and difficult to keep up with, however these aspects remain to be two core areas that will never change.  Instead, our cultural and societal approaches to these areas are significantly changing.  As we learn more about these areas, we are realizing that these are two very important aspects for a child as well.  The positive parenting and results of well-adjusted, well-rounded and overall healthy children comes from teaching them what a strong sense of right and wrong is which in turn will give them an ethical and moral fiber towards becoming part of a society that values truth, integrity, compassion, empathy, and respect.  It is continuously proven that children who understand the cause and effects of consequences to their behaviour are generally better adjusted and happier as adults.

Spirituality, on the other hand teaches children that perhaps there are certain universal laws in which human beings have no control over certain circumstances and that there is a supreme being (in whichever form) that may be protecting, guiding and supporting them throughout their lives.  This aspect empowers your children by teaching them about humility and learning to ‘let go’ with the understanding that not all ‘things’ in their lives can be self-controlled or self-managed.  There are some aspects in our lives, which we certainly have no control over which should be empowering for your child instead of creating a sense of powerlessness.  A sense of spirituality gives your child a certain amount of purpose, direction, peace and acceptance to overcome challenging times in their lives.  In fact, research is showing that those who have this sense of spiritual faith (not necessarily religious faith) during their challenging and emotionally difficult times as children eventually fare better as adults who didn’t as children.

Other areas of parenting that will help your children in becoming better adjusted, well-rounded and healthy adults are techniques of positive parenting, parenting as role models and proactive parenting.  Proactive parenting involves a conscious effort to spend time, give attention to and express love as a way to meet the child’s needs instead of the parents’ needs.

When I work with parents, who have a child who is ‘doing well’ and is healthy in all aspects, I notice that their parenting has focused on the child’s needs and strengths as an individual.  Moreover, there is no comparison or labeling of their child in relation to other children, there is a sense of compassion and empathy for the child’s needs and struggles and these parents focus on the child’s needs instead of their own.  Additionally, I notice that parents who prioritize more quality time, attention and show vast ways of expressing their love do not employ techniques of excessively purchasing toys, gadgets and luxuries for their child.  They work on preventing their own sense of guilt by not bribing their children with material belongings and instead take a lesser paying job or have one less job to offer their child more time and attention.  Finally, as role models they try to be the example and change in their child’s life. For instance, to encourage that their child read or participate in more hobbies or sports – these parents read more themselves, read to their kids and participate in adult hobbies and sports to be a living example and positive role model for them.

10 Steps to Positive Parenting and ‘Successful’ Children

To summarize, successful children are those who are well-adjusted, well-rounded and are naturally progressing in their growth and development by becoming increasingly physically, mentally, socially, emotionally, morally, spiritually and financially healthy.  They are not only surviving but thriving at whatever they choose based on their own passions, needs, and interests and not on the parents interests. Additionally, these children are well-rounded because they have many different types of interests, hobbies and activities that they participate in and enjoy.  And most of all they are happy, positive, giving, loving, empathetic and compassionate.  So what things can you do to nurture these ‘successful’ children?

1. Practice what you preach or walk the talk as you are your child’s greatest role model.
2. Give unconditional love and focus on their strengths.  Do not compare and/or label your child to other children.  And don’t play favourites with your children.
3. Have clear and consistent boundaries, expectations & consequences for their behaviour.  Look behind and beyond ‘bad’ behaviours.  And be careful with what, when, where, why, how and how frequently you use positive reinforcements such as food as a way to comfort or praise your child.
4. Provide them with a safe haven where their basic needs of food, shelter, clothing, and love are met.  Simultaneously, provide them with social, emotional, moral, spiritual and financial stability.
5. Acknowledge their wishes, dreams, & passions while supporting them when they are feeling disappointed, angry, frustrated, upset and/or depressed. Instead of telling them to limit, stop expressing or controlling these ‘negative’ feelings, acknowledge and teach them healthy strategies to cope with these feelings.
6. Be there and be present for them. They do not need material things but they need your time, interest, attention and your love.  Also participate in activities with them together.  This must be balanced with them ‘entertaining’ and learning for themselves as well. Parenting does not mean that you must ‘entertain’ them to prevent ‘boredom’.
7. Parenting is about your child’s needs and not based on yours. So practice a child-centered parenting style to meet these needs.
8. Teach children about hard work and encourage creativity by inspiring them to discover hobbies, sports & activities to develop well-rounded skills in becoming well-adjusted adults.
9. Allow your child to make mistakes and give him/her more freedoms a s/he ages instead of limiting his/her freedoms because of your own fears or your need to have power and control over your child.
10. Trust your own instincts and embrace change.

Have you ever wondered why you even need to change or redefine what you consider to be “beautiful”?

I recently went away for my holidays to Mexico and decided to get my hair braided into “corn rows” or “dreads” because of the extreme heat and humidity as I was unable to manage my curly and unruly hair. It was also a hairstyle that I’ve always wanted to try for some reason, although now that I’ve done it, it has raised some social and cultural questions for me.

Until recently, I have always been a woman who has depended on my hair to help me to feel and look “beautiful.” And I suppose that most cultures do in some shape or form look at a woman’s hair or hairstyle to define her beauty. While Americans glorify long waves of blond hair, for example, devout Muslim women cover their hair for modesty’s sake.

While growing up, at times I also struggled with conflicting cultural definitions of what beauty meant in relation to not only my hair, but also my body and skin tone. But as I grew older, I came to be quite comfortable with my own version of “beautiful.” However, I never expected that simply changing my Europeanized hairstyle to an African hairstyle would launch me on an unexpected journey of growth and development, expanding my own cultural comfort zones.

Hairy reactions
It began with the mixed reactions I received from my family, friends, colleagues, professionals and strangers. This small and unintentional experiment has been eye-opening for me as I experienced a very negative reception from some of my family and others from within my South Asian community.

And while travelling on public transit, grocery shopping, going out into the community, attending business meetings and appointments, I received a mixed bag of negative, positive and in-between responses. Most interesting of all was that people from the Caucasian or Anglo-European cultures were the most positive people who generally smiled, commented or asked me a friendly question about my new “hairstyle.”

I did not choose this hairstyle for attention or to make a cultural statement, but the lack of acceptance I received overall for trying this hairstyle from a culture other than my own was interestingly disappointing. And, understandably, this experience has raised a few questions in my mind. For example, as Canadians, what do we define as “beautiful”? And have we as Canadians fully reached the status of being a nation of people who embrace other minority cultures? You may think that I am being too sensitive and over-generalizing, but for me this small “experiment” allowed me to examine whether people’s definitions of beauty have broader implications on accepting other cultures overall.

What do you think is beautiful?
Do you use your cultural heritage to help you define beauty? Or do you now use a “Europeanized” or “Americanized” version of beauty? Some of you may be in transition and may actually use both your previous culture together with other definitions of what beauty means to you. All versions are acceptable in my opinion, as long as we are proactive in understanding the foundations of these definitions.

Have you ever wondered why you even need to change or redefine what you consider to be “beautiful”? Some will argue that by moving to another country it is necessary to change your previous definition and others will debate with you that there is no need to change how you define “beauty.” After all, whose standards and definitions are we really considering?

In ending this conversational piece, I hope to raise some questions in your mind about what definitions you use to base various culturally specific phenomena such as beauty. And, as you go about your day, please casually think about whether your thoughts and actions help to embrace or hinder other cultural versions of “beautiful.”