Free Humour

Blonde Goes To Work After Many Years

2009-05-15T15:11:00.003+05:30

Present For Husband

2009-04-15T21:32:00.000+05:30

A woman goes to Italy to attend a 2-week, company training session.

Her husband drives her to the airport and wishes her to have a good trip.

The wife answers : "Thank you honey, what would you like me to bring for you?"

The husband laughs and says: "An Italian girl !!!" The woman kept quiet and left.

Two weeks later he picks her up in the airport and asks: "So, honey, how was the trip?"

"Very good, thank you." "And, what happened to my present?"

"Which present?" She asked.

"The one I asked for - an Italian girl!!"

"Oh, that" she said "Well, I did what I could, now we have to wait for nine months to see if it is a girl !!!"

Obama Puppy

2009-04-12T20:31:00.002+05:30

21st Century Beggars

2009-04-09T17:36:00.001+05:30

A man walks past a beggar every day and gives him Rs.10 and that Continues for a year. Then suddenly the daily donation changes to Rs. 7.50

"Well," the beggar thinks, "it's still better than nothing."

A year passes in this way until the man's daily donation suddenly becomes Rs. 5.

"What's going on now?" the beggar asks his donor.

"First you give me Rs. 10 every day, then Rs. 7,50 and now only Rs. 5. What's the problem?"

"Well," the man says, "last year my eldest son went to university. It's very expensive, so I had to cut costs. This year my eldest daughter also went to university, so I had to cut my expenses even further."

"And how many children do you have?" the beggar asks.

"Four," the man replies.

"Well," says the beggar, "I hope you don't plan to educate them all at my expense."

Smart Wife

2009-02-06T12:28:00.003+05:30

Letter from husband ( who is abroad) to wife

Dear Sweetheart:

I can't send my salary this month, so I am sending 100 kisses. You are my sweetheart

Your husband
Allen

============ =========

His wife replied back after some days to her husband:

Dearest sweetheart,

Thanks for your 100 kisses, I am sending the expenses details.

1. The Milk man agreed on 2 kisses for one month's milk.
2. The electricity man only agreed after 7 kisses.
3. Your house owner is coming every day and taking two or three kisses Instead of the rent.
4. Supermarket owner did not accept kisses only, so I have given him Some other items....... ....
5. Other expenses 40 kisses

Please don't worry for me, I have a remaining balance of 35 kisses and I hope I can complete the month using this balance.

Shall I plan same way for next months, Please Advise!!!

Your Sweet Heart

Virus effect on Mouse

2008-12-16T15:48:00.002+05:30

Unspoken Communication

2008-11-05T20:47:00.001+05:30

Funny Sms Jokes

2008-09-04T19:27:00.001+05:30

*** WHY SACHIN HAVE TWO CHILDREN,BUT SOURAV HAVE ONE?. BCOZ SACHIN HAVE SECRET
ENERGY OF "BOOST".

*** There is only one perfect child in the world and every mother has it.
There is only one perfect wife in the world and every neighbor has it.

*** THOUGHT FOR THE FUTURE GENERATION- Don't marry n make a woman happy. In fact remain a bachelor n make several women happy!

*** School girl : I dont want to take SEX EDUCATION class Teacher : Why not? School girl : Someone told me FINAL EXAM would be oral!

*** Men who have pierced ears are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.

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Bill Gates decided to Sell OFF Microsoft

2008-08-01T21:13:00.002+05:30

Letter from Banta Singh to Mr. Bill Gates

Subject: Problems with my new computer

Dear Mr. Bill Gates,

We have bought a computer for our home and we have found some problems, which I want to bring to your notice.

1. There is a button 'start' but there is no 'stop' button. We request you to check this.

2. One doubt is whether any 're -scooter' is available in system? I find only 're-cycle', but I own a scooter at my home.

3. There is 'Find' button but it is not working properly. My wife lost the door key and we tried a lot trace the key with this 'find' button, but was unable to trace. Please rectify this problem.

4. My child learnt 'Microsoft word' now he wants to learn 'Mi crosoft sentence', so when you will provide that?

5. I bought computer, CPU, mouse and keyboard, but there is only one icon which shows 'My Computer': when you will povide the remaining items?

6. It is surprising that windows says 'MY Pictures' but there is not even a single photo of mine. So when will you keep my photo in that
.

7. There is 'MICROSOFT OFFICE' what about 'MICROSOFT HOME' since I use the PC at home only.

8. You provided 'My Recent Documents'. When you will provide 'My Past Documents'?

9. You provide 'My Network Places'. For God sake please do not provide 'My Secret Places'. I do not want to let my wife know where I go after my office hours.

Dream PC of every Men

2008-07-28T13:03:00.002+05:30

7 Reasons Not To Mess With A Child

2008-07-25T18:13:00.003+05:30

1) A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small. The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.The little girl said, When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah. The teacher asked, What if Jonah went to hellThe little girl replied, Then you ask him.

2) A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work.As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.The girl replied, I'm drawing God. The teacher paused and said, But no one knows what God looks like.Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, They will in a minute.

3) A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds.After explaining the commandment to honour thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sistersWithout missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, Thou shall not kill.

4) One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head.She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, Why are some of your hairs white, MomHer mother replied, Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white.The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white.

5) The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture. Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, He's a doctor.'A small voice at the back of the room rang out, And there's the teacher, She's dead.

6) A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face.. Yes, the class said.Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feetA little fellow shouted,Cause your feet ain't empty.

7) The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray Take only ONE. God is watching.Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.A child had written a note, Take all you want. God is watching the apples.

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Just Launched my Dream Project

2008-07-13T16:43:00.000+05:30

Finaly today i launched my dream project, my first ever website.

Friend i had start my first web directory Webmasters Heaven - Directory of Webmaster Resources. My aim behind making this directory is to collect useful site and tools which is useful to every webmaster.

Short Jokes

2008-07-04T09:54:00.001+05:30

Ravan ki 20 aankhein thi magar nazar sirf ek aurat pe; Jab ki aapki 2 aankhein aur nazar har aurat pe...! Toh asli Ravan kaun??

~~~~~~~~~

Ravan was sent to court & was asked to keep a hand on Geeta.He refused saying: Sita par hath rakh kar itni musibat aayi! Ab Geeta pe haath nahin rakhunga

~~~~~~~~~

An old rich man marries a young gal. Interviewer asks the girl: Apne inmein shaadi ke liye kya dekha? Girl: Ek to inki income aur doosre inke din kum.

~~~~~~~~~

PRINCIPAL :Agar koi ladka girls hostel mein gaya toh first time 100 Rs fine, 2nd time 200 Rs. Fine and 3rd time 500.MUNNA BHAI :Boley to Monthly paas ka kya lega Mamu? ~~~~~~~~~

Poems written by Husband to Wife

2008-07-04T09:48:00.002+05:30

I wrote your name on sand it got washed.
I wrote your name in air, it was blown away.
then I wrote your name on my heart & i got Heart Attack.

******

God saw me hungry, he created pizza .
He saw me thirsty, he created Pepsi .
He saw me in dark, he created light .
He saw me without problems, he created YOU.

******

Twinkle Twinkle little star
You should know what you are
And once you know what you are
Mental hospital is not so far.

******

The rain makes all things beautiful.
The grass and flowers too.
If rain makes all things beautiful then
why doesn't it rain on you?

******

Roses are red, Violets are blue
monkeys like u should be kept in zoo.
Don't feel so angry you will find me there too
not in cage but laughing at you.
******

The Real Bastard

2008-06-25T21:32:00.000+05:30

Blonde: I have sinned. I called my boyfriend a BASTARD.
PSYCHIATRIST: Well now, that's not a nice thing to call anyone, so what did he do to deserve that?
Blonde: Well, he kissed me.

PSYCHIATRIST:You mean like this?
( The psychiatrist kissed the Blonde )
Blonde: ......Yes!

PSYCHIATRIST:Well that's no reason to call him a BASTARD.
Blonde: But, he put his hand in my top.
PSYCHIATRIST:You mean like this?
( The psychiatrist put his hand in the Blonde's top )
Blonde: Yes!

PSYCHIATRIST:Well that's no reason to call him a BASTARD.
Blonde: But, he took my clothes off.
PSYCHIATRIST:You mean like this?
( The psychiatrist took off the Blonde's clothes )
Blonde: Yes!

PSYCHIATRIST:Well that's no reason to call him a BASTARD.
Blonde: But, he had sex with me!
PSYCHIATRIST:You mean like this?
( The psychiatrist had sex with the Blonde )
Blonde: .Yes!

PSYCHIATRIST:Well that's no reason to call him a BASTARD.
Blonde: But, then he told me he has AIDS.
PSYCHIATRIST: BASTARD!!!!!

A Difficult Judgment

2008-06-24T17:18:00.002+05:30

In a small town in India, a person decided to open up his Bar business, which was right opposite to the Temple. The Temple & its congregation started a campaign to block the Bar from opening with petitions and prayed daily against his business.

Work progressed. However, when it was almost complete and was about to open a few days later, a strong lightning struck the Bar and it was burnt to the ground.

The temple folks were rather smug in their outlook after that, till the Bar owner sued the Temple authorities on the grounds that the Temple through its congregation & prayers was ultimately responsible for the demise of his bar shop, either through direct or indirect actions or means.

In its reply to the court, the temple vehemently denied all responsibility or any connection that their prayers were reasons to the bar shop's demise.

As the case made its way into court, the judge looked over the paperwork at the hearing and commented:

I don't know how I'm going to decide this case, but it appears from the paperwork, 'we have a bar owner who believes in the power of prayer and we have an entire temple and its devotees that doesn't.'

Mujhse wo judaa naa ho jaaye

2008-06-24T12:05:00.001+05:30

Mujhse wo judaa naa ho jaaye,

Jindagi kahin Be-mazaa naa ho jaaye,

Mazaa aata hai pyaar karne mein,

pyaar mera kahin khafaa naa ho jaaye,

Shahar ki Be-chiraag galiyon mein,

Gum kahin manzil ka rastaa naa ho jaaye,

Aaj uunse kuch maang hi loon yaaron,

Wo kahin kal Be-wafaa naa ho jayae

E-Mail Auto-Replies

2008-05-18T12:58:00.001+05:30

1: I am currently out at a job interview and will reply to you if I fail to get the position .

2: I'm not really out of the office. I'm just ignoring you.

3: You are receiving this automatic notification because I am out of the office. If I was in, chances are you wouldn't have received anything at all.

4: Sorry to have missed you but I am at the doctors having my brain removed so that I may be promoted to management

5: I will be unable to delete all the unread, worthless emails you send me until I return from vacation on 4/18. Please be patient and your mail will be deleted in the order it was received.

6: Thank you for your email. Your credit card has been charged $5.99 for the first ten words and $1.99 for each additional word in your message.

7: The e-mail server is unable to verify your server connection and is unable to deliver this message. Please restart your computer and try sending again.'
( The beauty of this is that when you return, you can see how many in-duh-viduals did this over and over).

8: Thank you for your message, which has been added to a queuing system. You are currently in 352nd place, and can expect to receive a reply in approximately 19 weeks.

9: Hi. I'm thinking about what you've just sent me. Please wait by your PC for my response.

10: Hi! I'm busy negotiating the salary for my new job. Don't bother to leave me any messages.

11: I've run away to join a different circus.

AND, FINALLY, THIS ONE TAKES THE CAKE:

12: I will be out of the office for the next 2 weeks for medical reasons.
When I return, please refer to me as ' Loretta' instead of 'Steve '

Redneck Vacations

2008-05-17T08:48:00.001+05:30

Billy Bob and Lester are talking one afternoon when Billy Bob tells Lester, "Ya know, I reckon I'm about ready for a vacation. Only this year I'm gonna do it a little different. The last few years, I took your suggestions on where to go. Three years ago you said to go to Hawaii. I went to Hawaii and Marie got pregnant. Then two years ago, you told me to go to the Bahamas, and Marie got pregnant again. Last year you suggested Tahiti and darned if Marie didn't get pregnant again!"

Lester asks Billy Bob, "So, what you gonna do this year that's different?"

Billy Bob says, "This year I'm taking Marie with me."

EFFORTS IN ITALY TO STRAIGHTEN THE LEANING TOWER OF PIZA

2008-05-07T13:36:00.000+05:30

Hair Spray - Restores life to dead hair

2008-05-07T13:31:00.001+05:30

A man is driving along a highway and sees a rabbit jump out across the middle of the road.
He swerves to avoid hitting it, But unfortunately the rabbit jumps right in front of the car.

The driver, a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulls over and gets out to see what has become of the rabbit.

Much to his dismay, the rabbit is dead.
The driver feels so awful that he begins to cry.

A beautiful blonde woman driving down the highway sees a man crying on the side of the road and pulls over.

She steps out of her car and asks the man what's wrong.

'I feel terrible,' ! he explains, 'I accidentally hit this rabbit and killed it.'

The blonde says, 'Don't worry.'
She runs to her car and pulls out a spray can.

She walks over to the limp, dead rabbit, bends down and sprays the contents onto the rabbit.
The rabbit jumps up,waves its paw at the two of them and hops off down the road.

Ten feet away the rabbit stops, turns around and waves again, he hops down the road another 10 feet, turns and waves, hops another ten feet, turns and waves, and repeats this again and again and again, until he hops out of sight.

The man is astonished.
He runs over to the woman and demands, 'What is in that can? What did you spray on that rabbit?'

The woman turns the can around so that the man can read the label.

It says..

(Are you ready for this?)

!
!
!
!
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!
!
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!
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(OK, here it is)

It says,

Hair Spray - 'Restores life to dead hair, and adds permanent wave.'

Benefits of Being MAN

2008-05-07T13:23:00.002+05:30

No wonder men are happier

What do you expect from such simple creatures?

Your last name stays put.

The garage is all yours.

Wedding plans take care of themselves.

Chocolate is just another snack.

You can be President.

You can never be pregnant.

You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. You can wear NO shirt to a
water park.

Car mechanics tell you the truth.

The world is your urinal.

You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky.

You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.

Same work, more pay.

Wrinkles add character.

Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental- $100.

People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.

The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.

New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.

One mood all the time.

Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.

You know stuff about tanks.

A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.

You can open all your own jars.

You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.

If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.

Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.

Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.

You almost never have strap problems in public.

You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.

Everything on your face stays its original color.

The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.

You only have to shave your face and neck.

You can play with toys all your life.

Your belly usually hides your big hips.

One wallet and one pair of shoes -- one color for all seasons.

You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.

You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife.

You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache

DISCUSSION TECHNIQUE

2008-04-04T16:14:00.002+05:30

A woman has the last word in any argument.

Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument

PROPENSITY TO CHANGE

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.

A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.

GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS

2008-04-04T16:13:00.001+05:30

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.

A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.

A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

OFFICE ARITHMETIC

2008-04-04T16:12:00.000+05:30

Smart boss + smart employee = profit

Smart boss + dumb employee = production

Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion

Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime