tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-18871187Fri, 27 Jan 2017 18:53:35 +0000A sarcastic, snarky, exaggerated, wise-ass, smartass, ironical, satirical, cynical, deadpan, tongue-in-cheek, biting, smart-alecky, random, sardonic, humorous, scathing, and/or mocking commentary on whatever I feel like commenting on!http://freesarcasm.blogspot.com/noreply@blogger.com (Free Sarcasm)Blogger61125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-18871187.post-9014528199198943293Mon, 26 Jan 2009 18:25:00 +00002009-01-26T13:57:47.674-05:00Work has begun on the George W. Bush Presidential Library on the campus of Southern Methodist University in Dallas, Texas. Possible books include How To Lose Friends And Alienate People: A Memoir, Goodnight Bush, a heavily notated copy of Leadership for Dummies, and his large collection of Archie Comics.http://freesarcasm.blogspot.com/2009/01/george-ws-presidential-library.htmlnoreply@blogger.com (Free Sarcasm)0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-18871187.post-2874501126079480818Sun, 20 Jul 2008 15:28:00 +00002008-07-20T11:57:23.007-04:00There should be a limit to how long you can advertise that you were voted "best of..." something. As a conscientious consumer with a tendency for over analysis, if I see an ad promoting a business that was voted, let's say, "Best Car Wash, 2001" I think to myself: "Self, what has happened the last seven years? Did they start using hot dog water instead of fresh water?" Missing the cut for a year http://freesarcasm.blogspot.com/2008/07/best-of-limitations.htmlnoreply@blogger.com (Free Sarcasm)0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-18871187.post-6048092161540148255Sat, 03 May 2008 15:53:00 +00002008-05-03T11:53:17.443-04:00From meager beginnings 30 years ago, we are blessed today with a daily stream of annoyances in the form of backwater home remedy cures for erectile dysfunction, surefire one penny stock tips, pyramid schemes, and et cetera. And we have Gary Thuerk to thank, who on May 3, 1978 sent a sales email to 393 users on Arpanet (then a U.S. government computer network and the predecessor of today's http://freesarcasm.blogspot.com/2008/05/spam-turning-30.htmlnoreply@blogger.com (Free Sarcasm)0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-18871187.post-116195799170608562Wed, 26 Mar 2008 21:17:00 +00002008-03-27T16:31:23.557-04:00soupy canned sweetcornworse than runny scrambled eggsthe thought makes me ralphhttp://freesarcasm.blogspot.com/2006/10/creamed-corn-haiku.htmlnoreply@blogger.com (Free Sarcasm)3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-18871187.post-7332282421524404532Sat, 23 Feb 2008 15:59:00 +00002008-02-23T11:06:37.173-05:00J.Lo has made a difficult decision after the delivery of twins early Friday. She's decided to give up one for adoption to Angelina, who can now check off "adopt Hispanic baby" from here "1,000 things to do before I buy a small country" list. Next up, save an Inuit village from global warming.http://freesarcasm.blogspot.com/2008/02/jlos-double-bundle.htmlnoreply@blogger.com (Free Sarcasm)1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-18871187.post-1520315465833327521Tue, 30 Oct 2007 12:59:00 +00002007-10-30T10:05:12.882-04:00In this age of low-rise jeans and low-slung trousers, is there an official modern term for the outdated plumber's crack. This is not meant to offend our friendly neighborhood potable pipe maintenance technicians that might hold an affinity to the description, but it's now a more widespread epidemic. Needlessly viewable on trains, in bars, and at the grocery, to name only a few. Well, no sooner dohttp://freesarcasm.blogspot.com/2007/10/is-there.htmlnoreply@blogger.com (Free Sarcasm)3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-18871187.post-6020034059116277102Tue, 18 Sep 2007 13:46:00 +00002007-09-18T09:53:24.793-04:00Today, I saw somebody driving a BMV with the vanity plate "BMW." Is this necessary? Was the licence plate "IMEgo" already taken? There's a prisoner somewhere who took time making that plate when they could have been studying for their GED or Associate's degree. I just filed paperwork to get the plate "PINTO."http://freesarcasm.blogspot.com/2007/09/come-on.htmlnoreply@blogger.com (Free Sarcasm)1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-18871187.post-114158955165180170Wed, 11 Jul 2007 21:05:00 +00002007-07-11T14:08:17.096-04:00According to the Associated Press, Merriam-Webster has updated its Collegiate Dictionary, which goes on sale this fall with about 100 newly added words.A few added include ginormous (a personal fave), DVR, and flex-cuff. Although I submitted several words for submission, all were sadly rejected. Here's just one sample:Sarcastricfication: the act of overdoing it with sarcasm to the point that http://freesarcasm.blogspot.com/2006/03/merriam-webster-submissions.htmlnoreply@blogger.com (Free Sarcasm)1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-18871187.post-4224055726660678149Mon, 25 Jun 2007 12:20:00 +00002007-06-25T11:40:07.087-04:00It is rumored by a most dubious source that while brainstorming ideas for a new ad campaign, one S_A_D_D student marketing intern suggested the concept "Friends don't let dead friends drive."Once said marketeer was sober, he realized the true stupidity of his thinking.http://freesarcasm.blogspot.com/2007/06/sad-concept.htmlnoreply@blogger.com (Free Sarcasm)0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-18871187.post-1864388679079624192Fri, 18 May 2007 15:18:00 +00002007-05-18T11:27:57.878-04:00The movie Fracture was released in late April with the tagline "if you look close enough, you'll find everyone has a weak spot." No sh*t! Even if a person's entire body is covered with a steel plate, they have a weakness to fire. Hollywood, please stop stating the obvious.http://freesarcasm.blogspot.com/2007/05/everyone-has-weak-spot.htmlnoreply@blogger.com (Free Sarcasm)0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-18871187.post-352477505230674439Wed, 25 Apr 2007 17:53:00 +00002007-04-25T14:40:14.098-04:00LONDON (Reuters) - A large English cheddar cheese has become a star of the Internet, attracting more than 1 million viewers to sit and stare at it as it slowly ripens.TV execs are currently working on a loosely based American adaptation starring aged Limburger cheese. Hosted by a Joe Rogan-a-like, the reality show will have contestants and a chunk of pedestal-sitting Limburger enclosed in an ATM http://freesarcasm.blogspot.com/2007/04/cheese-new-craze.htmlnoreply@blogger.com (Free Sarcasm)1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-18871187.post-3196927768889645295Mon, 02 Apr 2007 16:28:00 +00002007-04-02T13:35:39.282-04:00Virginia man picked as new Maytag Repairman (Associated Press)—Whirlpool Corp. announced Monday that it has selected Clay Jackson of Richmond, Va., as the character promoting the reliability of its Maytag brand of large appliances. It's absolutely shocking that the politically incorrect Maytag Repairman is not a real repair person. My whole worldview has been forever altered. Do actual repair http://freesarcasm.blogspot.com/2007/04/maytag-youre-it.htmlnoreply@blogger.com (Free Sarcasm)0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-18871187.post-6228437352522465568Thu, 08 Mar 2007 14:29:00 +00002007-03-08T10:29:23.522-05:00According to the Associated Press, Democratic presidential candidate Barack Obama got a healthy stack of parking tickets, most of which he never paid, when he attended Harvard Law School in the late 1980s.Who cares? Is the media so desperate to dig up dirt on public figures that they feel the need to report on unpaid parking tickets? He was a Harvard student. Money is tight when you're in school.http://freesarcasm.blogspot.com/2007/03/obama-pays-parking-tickets-17-years.htmlnoreply@blogger.com (Free Sarcasm)0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-18871187.post-189358043629429439Wed, 21 Feb 2007 15:34:00 +00002007-02-21T11:20:32.730-05:00From the Associated Press:JAKARTA, Indonesia — The first Sumatran rhino born in captivity in more than 100 years arrived in Indonesia on Tuesday with a single task — to breed and help save the endangered species from extinction. On the condition of anonymity, one caretaker provided Free Sarcasm with the following details:To create the mood the Rhinos were treated to a romantic candlelit dinner http://freesarcasm.blogspot.com/2007/02/rhinoceros-engagement.htmlnoreply@blogger.com (Free Sarcasm)0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-18871187.post-3526175587894885301Tue, 30 Jan 2007 13:17:00 +00002007-01-30T09:17:33.508-05:00The benefits of being a hand model are that people notice when you open a door, put on gloves, or scratch an itch. Historically one of the least populated of all modeling vocations, it's becoming a growth industry as many fugly people explore new career paths.http://freesarcasm.blogspot.com/2007/01/all-in-hands.htmlnoreply@blogger.com (Free Sarcasm)0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-18871187.post-5580365160194753635Thu, 18 Jan 2007 01:17:00 +00002007-01-17T10:29:40.948-05:00On Sunday's 60 Minutes, our “President” referred to himself as "educator-in-chief" when sayng that he often has to explain to people why the war in Iraq is justified.Using similar logic as the Rate My Professor Web site, let's rate his performance as an “educator” thus far:The overall performance of this teacher is: Not looking favorable. Difficulty of Tests: Tic-Tac-Toe is more difficult. How ishttp://freesarcasm.blogspot.com/2007/01/rate-our-educator-in-chief.htmlnoreply@blogger.com (Free Sarcasm)0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-18871187.post-2885827153841361841Wed, 03 Jan 2007 13:17:00 +00002007-01-03T09:25:42.805-05:00In most states, drivers are required by state law to yield to pedestrians in a crosswalk (unless they have the walk/don't walk sign at an intersection--in that case yielding to anyone already crossing is optional). Should a squirrel not have the same protection? Sure, they make a nest in your kitchen vent pushing all kinds of debris onto your kitchen floor, make mating sounds at night, and/or http://freesarcasm.blogspot.com/2007/01/yield-for-squirrels.htmlnoreply@blogger.com (Free Sarcasm)1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-18871187.post-5281791742510035449Fri, 29 Dec 2006 15:48:00 +00002006-12-29T11:02:59.004-05:00In the name of Clark W. Griswold, here are a few observations from the road over the Holidays - - 80 is the new 73 in a 65.- The value menu is now known as the Chock Full of Preservatives, Fat, and Cholesterol on Your Way to a Cardiac Arrest Menu.- The middle finger is still translatable across all borders and, according to Ricky Bobby, now can be found on sale at Target.- "Fines Double in Work http://freesarcasm.blogspot.com/2006/12/holiday-road.htmlnoreply@blogger.com (Free Sarcasm)0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-18871187.post-1862179259252608847Mon, 18 Dec 2006 14:18:00 +00002006-12-18T09:19:06.058-05:00After my post about a 4-year-old accused of sexual harassment, I did a little digging in the local Grand Jury's sealed files. What I found was shocking. A few cases awaiting prosecution: 5-year old, Scotty T. stands trial for suspicion of driving under the influence after being pulled over for weaving on his blue Superman bicycle and refusing a breathalizer test. Sally B., age 4, was arrested forhttp://freesarcasm.blogspot.com/2006/12/crime-among-pre-schoolers-on-rise.htmlnoreply@blogger.com (Free Sarcasm)0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-18871187.post-2120350056587295172Wed, 13 Dec 2006 13:17:00 +00002006-12-13T10:14:44.334-05:00Have you heard about this one?4-year-old accused of sexual harrassmentWACO, Texas (Associated Press) — School administrators gave a 4-year-old student an in-school suspension for inappropriately touching a teacher's aide after the pre-kindergartner hugged the woman. The story goes on to say that the "inappropriate physical behavior" happened after he hugged the woman and "rubbed his face in her http://freesarcasm.blogspot.com/2006/12/4-year-old-stands-accused.htmlnoreply@blogger.com (Free Sarcasm)0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-18871187.post-1188609731376608720Mon, 04 Dec 2006 13:28:00 +00002006-12-29T11:44:50.318-05:00Dear Santa,This year, I have been a very corrupt little boy. I have shamelessly embezzled and helped my other daddy with his pyramid schemes. And, since I always say thank you, it makes it seem like I care, and so I deserve lots of bankhanded slaps this year!But, since I'm remorseful, please bring the following stuff for me and the people in my life: For my mommy, please bring daddy’s testicles http://freesarcasm.blogspot.com/2006/12/xmas-letter.htmlnoreply@blogger.com (Free Sarcasm)0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-18871187.post-8470418520191866723Tue, 28 Nov 2006 13:44:00 +00002006-12-29T11:45:32.897-05:00The proliferation of horror movies in recent years has gone well beyond being out of hand. Not only are these movies a plight on the industry, but they are contributing to the dumbing down of teenagers and young adults. It's one thing to release a new movie that is innovative and surprising, but with a new release every several weeks, who would know since it takes all of 2 brain cells to http://freesarcasm.blogspot.com/2006/11/hollywoods-ho.htmlnoreply@blogger.com (Free Sarcasm)0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-18871187.post-7226993749058179034Sat, 25 Nov 2006 04:39:00 +00002006-11-25T00:07:06.833-05:00There are reports that Hugh Hefner no longer has the energy for sex and would rather play dominoes.What he isn't saying...Viagra doesn't help anymore. An unnamed source within the Mansion walls has informed Free Sarcasm that the Girls Next Door are relieved, mostly because they will no longer have to fake it and don't have to tolerate the "saggys" anymore. And, with Hef's doctor prescribing an http://freesarcasm.blogspot.com/2006/11/hefner-no-longer-feeling-it.htmlnoreply@blogger.com (Free Sarcasm)0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-18871187.post-116282350305931374Thu, 23 Nov 2006 13:17:00 +00002006-11-23T23:30:02.139-05:00In homage to Weird Al and his recent release of "Straight Outta Lynwood," I give you a parody of Cutting Crew's eighty's cheese (I Just) Died In Your Arms: (I Just) Died In Your Armpit I keep looking for something pleasant to smellRotting trash lies all around meAnd I don't see an easy way out of your placeSome dairy spoils on the dining room tableThe fridge is closed, but the cat is passed out http://freesarcasm.blogspot.com/2006/11/in-dedication-to.htmlnoreply@blogger.com (Free Sarcasm)0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-18871187.post-4030561721395154366Fri, 17 Nov 2006 13:17:00 +00002006-12-05T21:44:14.547-05:00I'm not a fan of the Country Western genre, but I may have a future as a lyricist:Gator Girl (draft 1)I met her at a truck stop wrestlin' gatorsI can still recall that creepy smile she wore She was crashin' through the guardrail of my heartand I this gator girl was who I always longed forI told her shrink I'd live off her foreverShe said to me man wasn't meant to flyBut who'd have thought she'd http://freesarcasm.blogspot.com/2006/11/gator-girl.htmlnoreply@blogger.com (Free Sarcasm)0