Friends of Smoove B

No Doubt D

2013-12-31T00:17:00.001-06:00

In the long history of this little pool, I don't think anyone - until this year - has led the overall score wire-to-wire. I did not see this coming. Perhaps I should have, because during the season, I have learned that:

Coaches see Diana's picks, then do their game plans.
When D turned up in Vegas, 127 bookies immediately switched to selling car insurance.
Chuck Norris was in a football pool with D once. He's now a fan of figure skating.

In a blink, 17 weeks of football are behind us, not unlike Randall Cobb getting, in a blink, behind Chris Con...never mind. So let me say, first of all, congratulations to Rick Tulloch, winner of Week 16. Also, congratulations to Rick Tulloch, winner of Week 17. Out like a lion, that guy. He breaks even on the year.

Meanwhile, as discussed in September, the following prizes are hereby accrued, if not actually paid yet:

1st Place (300): Diana. The number 300 is retired, owing to this historic performance.
2nd Place (200): Kelly Larum. I have no idea who this is.
3rd Place (100): Mike McCravens. This, in addition to his winnings from three weekly jackpots.

The above three are the sole members of the 1600 Club this year.

And the Roo Award? That's 25 to Tim Mitchell, who even now is watching reruns on a staticky 13" Zenith in his VAN down by the RIVER.

Let's talk more about money. The financials are here. Many entry fees are unpaid at this point, which is totally fine because I said it was cool to hold off until we could net it all out in the end. It's now the end, and time to net it all out. If your name is highlighted that warm desert orange color, you owe me the amount in Column F. You can send me a check (let me know if you need the address) or send it instantly to my Dwolla account (joewiesner at gmail.com). I would like to get all outstanding entry fees promptly so I can pay all winners in full quickly.

If your name is highlighted in breezy tropical green, Column F is your friend because I owe you that amount. Distribution of these prizes will begin shortly. As always, I would love to send you money electronically so let me know if that can happen, otherwise I'm happy to write a check.

Thanks for your kind attention. We now return you to an in-depth analysis of John Kuhn's blocking technique against Julius Pep...never mind.

I actually do have a bit more information for you on the pool, so this is not goodbye yet. For now, best wishes for a happy and safe new year to all y'all, and I'll get back to you shortly.

Power Rankings

2013-12-11T23:34:00.000-06:00

After I congratulate our last two winners, Laurie and Kelly (both first timers this year), I thought it might be a good time to see how things stack up for the stretch run. Impossibly, there are only three weeks left in the regular season. Time is flying as fast as an ice bridge is forming between Milwaukee and Muskegon. So I present to you...Power Rankings. The strength of our league's top competitors is herewith analogized based on an algorithm that I just totally made up.

Power Equivalent Rating	Player
The overnight wind chill in SE Wisconsin	Diana
Flushed toilet on a commercial aircraft	Mike
The habañero sauce I accidentally dropped in the chili	Kelly
The aroma coming from the laundry hamper	Jim W
Your horrified reaction to nearly anything Jon Gruden says	Paul

Despite her modest winnings year-to-date, Diana is clearly the class of the field. I can't remember a 43-point gap between first and second in the long history of this pool. After #1, it's hazy. Mike and Kelly are tied, but Mike has a clear edge in the cash column. Jim's holding down fourth and Paul edges yours truly on momentum, his performance improving noticeably over the last few weeks.

Meanwhile, down in Roo Award territory, we have Tim, with a Power Equivalent Rating roughly equal to Christian Ponder's job prospects. Rimshot!

Good luck to all this week.

Blackout Wednesday Update

2013-11-28T01:06:00.000-06:00

I don't like letting two weeks go by between handing out pats on the back, but in this case, only one guy was affected and I'm sure he'll enjoy your money just fine without my say-so. For the third time this year - and the second consecutive week - Mike "Nuclear Meltdown" McCravens - has won.

That's right. It's a take-no-prisoners approach, one apparently shared by Roo and Joel, and it has resulted in just six different winners through Week 11. It's been a season of reruns. For the rest of, keep at it. There are still weeks to go and thus, there is hope. Unless you happen to be camping in the parking lot of Best Buy or something tonight.

I want to wish any of you heading anywhere safe travels, and to all a Happy Thanksgiving. As you bask in the warmth of friends and family, good food and wine, Johnny here would like to remind you of what's really important this holiday season:

Remember, you heard it here ~~first~~ ~~second~~ ~~third~~ never mind. Peace.

Brought To You By The Number 3

2013-11-12T23:48:00.001-06:00

Our update for 11-12-13 - cool, right? - honors win #3 on the season for Joel Van Kylen. The man's on a tear and as of week #9 has made back his entry fee and then some. And a shout out to Gullo for knocking down the J in week 8, which, like most Packer fans, I tried to let slip by unnoticed. So Joel...with a trio of wins...and Bill with a win. Trio....Bill....hmmm. That makes me think of....

What? You don't remember these offbeat punk-ish new wave tracks from the mid-80s? What were you listening to then, Heart? Don't feel bad. I was too.

Anyway, thanks for indulging this little ramble. Been a long day. Good luck to everyone this weekend.

I Missed A Deliverable

2013-10-30T23:53:00.000-05:00

Due to a business travel-related conflict I had last week, I was out-of-pocket and unable to reach out to all of you to bring you up to speed on our collaborative effort to progress this pool to a successful outcome in the 1st quarter of calendar year 2014. So welcome to this all-hands update. I appreciate you taking time out so we can circle back on the results of the last couple weeks. First, allow me to single out two key players for special recognition, Joel (again) for his best-of-breed performance in Week 7, and Kristin Kaz for setting the bar exceptionally high in Week 8. Congratulations to both.

In terms of driving toward our EOY goals, Diana has continued to leverage her cross-functional knowledge of offense and defense into the overall lead, and I'd also acknowledge the cutting-edge competency of the next four individuals, for whom second place is a matter of just five units of separation as of today.

Okay, I think that concludes our look-back for today, and I would encourage everyone to engage a low-risk, high-yield methodology for the remainder of the season.

Y'know, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to make your eyes bleed just now, but the other day I made the mistake of reading a press release in the Business Journal by a company busy laying people off, and I pretty much still can't believe what I read.

By the way, this site is pretty fun.

My Shutdown Has Ended

2013-10-16T22:29:00.001-05:00

Found a home for the FF preview
publication that strongly advised me to
draft Rob Gronkowski.

I have two fantasy football teams in addition to this pool, both of which have devolved into what can be best described as a pair of dumpster fires. As such, I've spent a couple weeks try to douse those disasters and neglected to congratulate our winners. Last time I wrote here, Roo had won the week. I'm writing again, Roo having won the week. I should probably just stop writing.

But not yet. In between, a big ol' nod of approval to Joel Van Kylen, who just did edge out Mrs. Friend of Smoove B in week five. So football hasn't really been all that swell around here, which is why I'm watching the ALCS and listening to Tim McCarver talk about his birthday cake. Come to think of it, that's really no improvement.

Well, I guess it all could be worse. Or even worse than that.

Good luck to all this weekend.

Retraction

2013-10-03T19:47:00.001-05:00

So I've been informed that Roo's last win was not three years ago, but actually December of 2011. For what it's worth...

The fainting couch is out on the curb.

Week Four

2013-10-02T23:43:00.001-05:00

Pictured is my fainting couch, which came in handy Monday night as I realized Roo had won the week. The man gets a lot of press in this blog because of the award bearing his name, but as you know, that award is for those who can't get out of their own way. Indeed, the last time he won a week was three years ago. I keep track of these things, and this may be the missing piece in the proof for Smoove's Third Postulate (you don't want to know about the first two), which states that the longer you've known the guy running the pool, the lower your chance of winning any given week.

You'll be interested to know that we managed a partial shutdown of Diana this week (she finished a lowly seventh) but on balance she remains the Peyton Manning of this pool so far.

Don't forget. Picks due by dinnertime Thursday.

Join Me For My New NBA Pool

2013-09-25T00:09:00.000-05:00

...because:

...about football anymore. Week Three was as merciless and dark-humored as any Tarantino movie I can remember, but with a much less satisfying conclusion.

True for most of us anyway. Maybe not the Bears guys like Bill and Ben. And certainly not for Dangerous Diana, who, while she didn't win exactly has now opened the season by either tying or winning outright each of the first three weeks. So congratulations to Mike, who wins this week on the tiebreaker (and gets payback on D for how things went down in Week One). Still...an unprecedented start.

At least some things still make sense. I mean, Cleveland lost, right?

Right?

We have the facts, and we're voting...

2013-09-18T23:55:00.000-05:00

....for something. I'll get to that in a minute.

First, I should acknowledge the results of weeks one and two. In the former, my dear sister-in-law Diana (that's Dangerous D to all of you and I cannot say more) edged Mike Mac for the win, and in the latter, D was right back in it, all up in the grille of her own hub (that would be my brother; somebody please tell me what they're using in their water softener), only to lose to Jim on the points tiebreaker.

All in all, hell of a start for Team Janesville.

About the vote: I got a few, and it was enough to recognize that my idea of doing zero weekly prizes and letting everyone go balls-out for one of the top five season-long spots was not popular. And by "not popular" I mean "totally reviled." The option that was most-voted-for wasn't actually on the list, and it involved a simple reduction in the weekly payout by half. So there you go. We will go with $25 every week.

The total pot is 1050.
17 weeks @ 25 = 425, meaning after week 17, we'll have 625. That's a pretty nice number.

1st place: 300
2nd place: 200
3rd place: 100

I further announce the return of the Roo Award, $25 to the LOWEST overall score by the player who - and this is important - gets picks in every week.

The financials worksheet has been updated accordingly.

Roo approves of this message.

Week One. Er, Two.

2013-09-12T23:09:00.001-05:00

I'm just getting a break from the funhouse work has been this week, and even as I write Week Two is underway already. So I will make this brief.

See what I did there?

Business: we've shrunk again, and have 21 players this year. That's something we'll talk about later, but for now, we have figure out how to do prizes. If I pay out every week, that leaves a meager $200 for the overall winner(s) after 17 weeks. So here are the options:

Do that, and season-winner-take-all ($200)
Do that, and split first and second place overall 125/75
Really make things interesting: pay out nothing weekly and make the top five spots winners (450-350-250-100-50)

I like that last one myself, but we do things democratically around here, so kindly give me your vote in the comments or by email. We'll make the 17th Super Tuesday....polls close at 5pm). Thanks.

Oh yeah. This is kinda cool.

The Eleventh Hour

2013-08-31T17:00:00.001-05:00

So...2013.

In the past, I've noticed on rare occasions how First Week Football Pool picks are made by players who I know for a fact either didn't get or did not read the seasonal introductory notice from me. Somewhat mysterious, but never worth asking about, I thought. But now I understand, as CBS sends its own notice out to registered users who have membership in various "Fantasy Leagues," of which we are one.

And unless I'm missing something, it seems once you're in, there's no way out (unless the pool chief deletes you from that particular league). Sort of like....

...that.

There seems to be enough interest to do the confidence pool again, so let's do the confidence pool again.

As always, most of you do not need to read the next paragraph, because the rules are well known. However, there's a chance a noob or two will join in, and if this describes you, please read:

You buy into the league for $50 (0% inflation since the late 1990s). Every week you assign a confidence value to each NFL game being played, putting 16 on the game your most sure of and counting down from there to 1 (3 or 4 during bye weeks).

Payout for the weekly point winner is $50. You're also competing for high points overall. Season-long payouts will be announced and will be based on the number of players. The overall winner takes a significant cash payout (we're talking tens of dollars here people), a Miley Cyrus twerking instructional, and possibly his or her very own Heisenberg action figure. Just trying to keep things interesting. I usually pay out the top two or three spots, but really, it depends. Speaking of which, I saw this next to our league page on CBS and found it distressing.

We're all getting older but come on.

The season starts Thursday, September 5. Picks for a game are due about two hours prior to its scheduled start. I might remind you of this, especially before the midweek games, but it's on you to hit the deadlines.

Slight change in entry fee handling. I will welcome them at any time, but I will not chase you for them until the end of the season, which, not coincidentally, is when I tend to pay all winnings, weekly and otherwise. Fair's fair. I would prefer to ~~launder funds~~ send payouts and receive entry fees electronically via Dwolla, but I'll abide by your wishes on that.

In making picks for Week One, I will take that as an affirmation that you plan to play the season and are good for those 50 doubloons.

Welcome back! Invite a friend if you like.

Turn Out The Lights

2013-01-01T16:30:00.001-06:00

The ball has dropped, the tree is at the curb, and it is with the usual seasonal melancholy that we shut down Friends of Smoove B for the year. Tip of the hat to alpha-dog Jim Peters, who hit full stride a few weeks ago never looked back. Total winnings on the year: 200.

It's unusual for the overall winner to be the undercard in the season wrap-up, but we need to talk about The Man. What a year for The Man. It is said that he led the NFL in receptions...despite being a quarterback. That he completed 115% of his passes with a rating that has to be measured in scientific notation. That he used a chain reaction to solve the Fiscal Cliff by generously tipping the right bartender. You know how Cuba gets its cigars from the Most Interesting Man In The World? Who do you suppose he gets them from?

I'm talking about Dean, of course, who I believe to be the first four-time winner since we started this pool in 1998. He saved the best for last, using a furious rally to vault from somewhere totally off the radar in week 16 to second place overall finish following week 17.

Dean is the business half of Team Dean-Marlene. I can say I've at least met Marlene once. Can't say the same for the mysterious Dean, which I'm sure is by his choice and may be best for my safety. Total winnings on the year: 250.

Speaking of which...

Payouts to winners will start heading out this week. I would STRONGLY prefer to do this electronically via Dwolla or even the evil PayPal, but I'll defer to your request. Have a look here. A number in parentheses indicates an amount I owe you, and if you're one of those lucky folks, please drop me a note indicating electronic or check (or in person; I'm likely to see some of you).

If you see a positive number there, those are unpaid entry fees. I count three of you at this writing. Get 'em in, por favor.

Thanks and Happy New Year to all of you. Assuming there are enough players, we'll do it all again starting about eight months from today.

Signing off, with a look outside at the setting sun and a wind chill of four degrees. Ugh. Good thing pitchers and catchers report in six weeks.

Can I get a witness!

2012-12-24T13:54:00.002-06:00

That's right.

With hours to spare. In truth, I don't usually cut it this close. Sometimes I'll finish as early as...you know, the 22nd.

Week 16 is in the can, and the shadowy figure known as Stellick, who hasn't gotten a mention in this column since September of 2010, ekes out a win against last year's defending champ, Rich. It took a boffo 120 point performance and the tiebreaker to get it done.

So here we are on the bell lap and Jim P isn't showing any signs of slowing down. There are a couple of us who might just have enough kick to run him down. Ben is only six back, and Kelly (and her ferocious Hello Kitty avatar) are sixteen back.

As for the rest of us, it could be worse. We could be in charge of a team whose best quarterback is a wide receiver. Or you could be me, having just lost your fantasy football championship game to an attorney friend by four stinkin' points, and you now have to write a rap about how dope he is. I'm glad we didn't build an actual performance into the wager.

Best wishes for a nice peaceful holiday week to all of you. I think we could kinda use one.

Breaking Radio Silence

2012-12-20T23:48:00.002-06:00

Sorry for the little hiatus. I had been working diligently on the world's best christmas card, something that soaked up nearly all the time that I wasn't spending either at work or figuring out the world's best christmas presents. And now? Well, work's not finished, shopping is incomplete, and the card is now a President's Day greeting. You all saw that coming.

I write this while watching the cleanup of our first Snowmageddon in at least a couple years. The storm announced itself with wind and rain heavy enough to maybe cause one to consider using an umbrella, and ended with nearly everything closed early for no discernible reason. Not exactly the stuff of the Mayan apocalypse, and definitely nothing on the order of Mark Sanchez's performance last Monday night.

Congratulations to our last two weekly winners, Mike and Paul. Also, a nod to Jim Peters, who recently overtook his buddy Ben for the overall lead with just two football weekends to go. Most of you don't know Ben, but perhaps you caught his cameo in the the hit movie Forgetting Brandon Marshall.

"The hell with this football sh*t, Carimi. Let's go surfing."

Or not.

Good luck to all as the season winds down, and best wishes for a nice, peaceful holiday. Back next week.

Dean The Dream

2012-12-08T15:05:00.001-06:00

Welcome to this brief weekend edition of whatever it is I write about after a weekend of football. I used to write about the football weekend the same weekend. Lately, the following weekend seems more convenient. At this rate I might write the story of the final weekend of the season some weekend in March 2013. Get all that?

Last weekend made it three times, count 'em, THREE TIMES for Dean this season.

Dean has reached a level of awesome where he is only visible to those wearing special "Three Goggles." And sometimes not even then.

It is very possible that the only thing that will stop him is the end of the season, which is shockingly close all of a sudden. Dean's hot streak, remarkably, does not put him at the top of the standings, which Ben is holding down with a recently expanded lead. So for most of us, that means it's time to plot that desperation move, prepare to throw into triple coverage, call that hook-and-lateral play you've been saving up...and hope something good happens.

Have a good, you know, weekend.

Joel Goes Off

2012-11-28T23:37:00.000-06:00

The hallmark of the pool this season has been how close everybody is in the standings. Very few are so far out of the running that they'd be in contention for the Roo Award - if there was such a thing this year. Ironically, one such player might be Joel, who dropped a 131 on us, 18 points ahead of the next person who was...was...I don't know. So 'grats to Fred Glitch and his Orchestra for winning the bonanza, which has to be damn near as exciting as tonight's 450 zillion dollar Powerball drawing.

(Sorry. You didn't win. Set the alarm tonight and be happy that you didn't get a swift kick in the n*ts courtesy of Ndamukong Suh.)

Matt Schaub auditions for his new career in opera

Things Like This Don't Happen

2012-11-21T22:45:00.000-06:00

As you're aware, for the second time this season, our good buddy Kirk has hit from downtown (cue the deep rumble from somewhere deep in the earth's crust). That alone should not be enough to start thinking maybe the Mayans were on to something after all. However, there are enough conspiracy theorists running around lately that this news, in conjunction with the fact that I am doing most of the cooking for Thanksgiving tomorrow for the first time in my life, might touch off speculation that something apocalyptic this way comes. Bill Gullo keeps sending me emails about his premonition that Jay Cutler returns from injury to throw for 420 yards and five touchdowns.

Be calm everyone. Things like this just don't happen.

Happy Thanksgiving to all. As I mentioned, I'm in the kitchen bright and early tomorrow working out the best balance of nutmeg, ginger, and hamburger seasoning for the pumpkin pie, so, you know, stop by for dessert if you're in the neighborhood.

Numbers Game

2012-11-16T00:14:00.000-06:00

So, busy couple weeks. In all that business - busyness? - yeah, busyness - I didn't have a chance to shout out to my sister way out in Seattle for her win in week 9. And we also acknowledge Dean The Ninja, who stealthily emerged from the shadows, threw down a little football jiu-jitsu (16 on the Bengals. Yeah...), collected a second win this year, and quickly vanished into the ether again. He's like that. That was week 10.

The funny thing about all of this is that Nate Silver predicted both of these wins with 90% confidence three months ago.

Overall, standings at the top are tighter than Andy Reid's suspenders. With tonight's win by Buffalo (over Miami - I throw that in because Drunk Nate Silver says there's a 99.5% chance you could not care less about either team), six points separates Ben (1st place right now) from Jim P (5th).

One last thing, in case you were wondering. I'm no longer on the phone with BMO Harris. Never did get through. However, there has been a side benefit in that whole fiasco as the shrieking on-hold soundtrack they use has made Jon Gruden's color commentary on Monday Night Football sound at least 60% less annoying than it used to be. Well, 50%. Maybe 45.

Jon: "This guy...this guy...he's my favorite player in football. He's an impact player. I can't say enough about the job he's doing."

Mike: "Wasn't he just signed from the practice squad yesterday?"

Season of Ben

2012-10-31T23:09:00.001-05:00

Something's been bothering me all day, in a sort of creepy, Twilight-Zoney kind of way. Like sitting with your back to an open door. Appropriate I should be on edge, you say, it being Halloween and everything. True 'nuff. Cue the spooky music.

Then it hits me. We've been here before. You know this week's winner was Ben, and if you were looking closely, you might have noticed he took over the top spot overall too. So? Well, he did exactly the same thing at this time last season.

Little chill up your spine? No?

I can do worse. I doubt you're ready for it. In fact, whatever you do, do NOT click this link.

In Contrast To Last Week

2012-10-24T23:46:00.003-05:00

"Kirkaz! Great win success! We can now
drive to Pearl Harbor. High five!"

Last week I covered someone who wins these weeks as often as LeRoy Butler turns up on local media. This week, the story is someone who wins as often as Tony Mandarich turns up on local media.

It's 2006. The Iraq war is going on four years old. Brett Favre hasn't retired, not even once. Borat is still a pretty big deal, and Smoove will not be attending your wedding.

This would also be the last time our good friend Uncle Kirk won any coin in this thing. You read that right. His last win was six years ago. I think I was still driving my Studebaker.

To be sure, he won big that year. One second-place during the season, and then he went on to win the whole thing, if my oddly complete records are, uh, complete. So congrats dude. It was a hard-fought victory over Laurie, going to the points tiebreaker, so well-deserved. If patience is a virtue, you've displayed enough virtue to be the Virgin Mary.

Reminder to get those Thursday picks in. I guess I don't need to say that too often anymore.

And in case you were wondering, my Wednesday night tradition of watching baseball while on hold with BMO Harris continues for the third straight week. I have yet to identify the wailing sounds that pass for BMO's on-hold "music." They must have been painful to record and I suspect may not be of this Earth.

Binders Of Wins

2012-10-18T22:05:00.002-05:00

And now, for the late late show. The new football week has started and here I am still wondering if the Buccaneers won last week. Tampa still has a team down there, does it not?

Compliments to our first multi-week winner, and as usual, it's Sarah Schneider. Number one with a bullet this week, really, as there was a ton of daylight between her and Ben, the runner-up.

Winning a lot of confidence pools has been de rigueur for Sarah for some time now. I don't have an exact count - that would require some digging - but someone has obtained evidence, as seen on this image of her bookshelf, sent anonymously:

Anyway, that's all for now. I'm on hold with my new bank, BMO Harris (not my choice), at the moment, and any day now, someone is going to pick up and thank me for my patience during this time of transition. And I will say no problem, two weeks to reset a password is a small price to pay to be a small part of your multinational conglomerate.

QB FB Awesomeness

2012-10-10T23:03:00.002-05:00

Read this.

http://profootballmock.com/?p=4810

Note: language is NSFW.

Hang On To Your Soul

2012-10-09T09:33:00.000-05:00

There was a time when a game like yesterday's would ruin dinner for the next seven days. But for whatever reason, I've learned to live with Packer losses over the last couple years, to the bewildered wonder of my wife, the neighbors, and a multitude of small, terrified animals within earshot.

Within the context of watching sports on TV, losses do, however, make irritating things doubly irritating, and that brings me inevitably to Coors ads. So when I ran across this gem yesterday, I figured I'd share.

The challenge is to hang on to your soul. If I ever have to sell beer by putting girls in bikinis on TV, you'll know I've checked out.
-Dale Ketechis, Oskar Blues Brewing

Thus Smoove's Postulate is born: the hotter the girl in the bikini, the worse the beer. Anyway.

Those of you who have checked will see that the nice girl I married borrowed a page from the Dean-Marlene strategy that has paid them off any number of times over the years. Kelly bet it all on the Colts and with a lot of Luck, her horse came in (Rimshot! Groans. Thank you, I'll be here all week).

Laurie, congratulations to you also, for winning Week Four. There was no recap last week as I had absolutely nothing useful to say.

Refund

2012-09-27T10:52:00.001-05:00

I'm not a gambler, but wow.