The thing is…

… Life is seriously good. Graduate school is challenging and I wonder how I’ll see my way through to December 9 but I worry more about missing some of my classmates after graduation.
… I’m cultivating new opportunities for myself. HUGE opportunities.
… R is back in my life after a year of being absent. It’s a story meant for an anonymous blog where no one knows my name but he is a welcomed presence in my life – as a dear friend.
… I changed my Twitter name. Gone are the days of semi-anonymous tweets where I could talk about the dirtier things in life. I need to present it to potential employers (a few of whom are now following me… eek) and don’t want to explain my personal life in an interview. However, I miss my trash-talking account about my ridiculous love life, snarky observations, and saying the very thing that should NOT be said. Sigh. Changes are hard.
… My sister is moving to San Francisco and put me on notice to move too. I don’t know if it’s the stress of graduate school, the opportunities I am finding here, my current happiness level or a mixture of all three but I made myself put those thoughts on the back burner until further notice. I’m not ready to make that decision again. I have to tell myself this is okay every day even as I angrily scrape ice off my car in the morning.

Tell me, pretties. What are your THINGS?

Not unlike most of my travels, I arrived to Burning Man without a good grasp of knowledge about the Man or exactly what the Temple meant. I had plenty of supplies thanks to my gracious hosts and a supply of boy short underwear from Victoria’s Secret. However, when I visited the Temple my first night there and saw someone had written “Dear Dad, Go fuck yourself!!” on the wall, I knew my experience would be emotional.

Two nights later, the Man burned. I knew this was meant to be a night of celebration. In fact, I met a handsome Australian that night and we spent the celebration together. As we walked from our camps together, we held hands and started trading stories. I told him about my bad decision. I told him about my father. I told him everything.

When the Man burned that night, I wasn’t celebrating. I was letting go of a lot of pain. The Aussie held me as the tears rolled down my face.

I turned to him and said I wanted to go to the Temple. I had something to write. If he didn’t want to go, I’d go without him. One hot dog from the Barbie Death Camp, countless lifting our joined hands over shorter people than ourselves, and we arrived to the place that reminded me of cathedrals I’d wandered in Europe.

I found a pen and a clear spot on one of the temple’s towers. I wrote my father’s name, followed by “I forgive you. Now please go away.”

It’s not that I’ve been in contact with him in the past 20+ years. It’s just that I’m tired of being affected by his absence and being afraid to tell my story about my life without him. It was time to let go. I don’t need that pain anymore.

That night, I let go of past loves. Deceased loved ones who I miss terribly. People who carelessly hurt me. I let it all go.

The Aussie and I are on drastically different paths away from the playa. We share a Facebook friendship but it will probably never go beyond that. However, I will never forget his strength, insights, warmth and kindness that night.

Thank you, Shane.

“Wow,” he said. “So what about your dad? Do you talk to him?”

“Um no,” I told him as I twirled my wine glass and observed the people making out behind him. “I haven’t spoken to him in over 20 years…”

I hesitated. The truth about my father is that nothing about him is nice. Well, two things: he was smart and charismatic. Nothing else about his life or my relationship with him is something you want to tell someone you don’t know very well. The past year has taught me some very ugly truths about my father’s existance (if he is still alive). The information I learned is something my closest friends have yet to hear about.

No one in my immediate circle of friends has a situation like mine. For that matter, I don’t think any acquaintances do either. I don’t think anyone who can really grasp what it is like to hear stories about a deeply disturbed man who is fifty percent responsible for their being on this earth.

“So he abandoned you,” he said.

“Ummm,” I didn’t know what to say. I was not ready for this insight. “Yeah, I know. However, I am okay.”

The thing is I don’t really know if I am okay. Am I a mostly functioning adult who pays her bills on time? Yes. Do I handle graduate school? Yes. Do I have a list of friends whom go back to 7th grade? Yes. Have I had boyfriends? Yes. What does abandonment do to someone? I do not really know.

I wasn’t ready to go to that place that night. I’m still not. At least not with someone who I want to impress and not come off as a wounded victim.

My assumption is that we all have ugly truths. Some are uglier than others. I want to know how people discuss them with new friends and/or love interests.

As a good travel buddy told me, “Sometimes talking about it releases the poison.”

How do you handle your ugly truths?

Happy summer, lovelies. I’ll be back.

Wishes

Here's to you, 29

Monday is my 29th birthday. This is a bit of a big deal if only because I don’t feel like I expected to feel at 29. With the exception of body maturity, I still feel like I’m playing an adult most of the time. Seriously, body maturity is what they should have warned us about in high school. Oh and condoms.  Anyway, I thought about creating a list of 29 things to do in the next year and then remembered I created a similar list in December 2009 that was posted on the old space. Past me, you’ve come a long way since 2009. Good girl.

* Go snow shoeing and/or cross country skiing. I hate living in the snow but I realized that I need to find an activity I can do that doesn’t involve hangovers and keeps me active. Downhill skiing terrifies me and snowboarding is even worse. UPDATE: I, uh, still intend to do this. If I have any plans of staying in Reno, I really should try this. I mean for reals. Like, really. Next winter, I swear.
* Go sky diving. UPDATE: My co-worker in Alaska wanted to go sky-diving while I was working there. I would have been game except it was EXPENSIVE and cloudy the entire time. Better luck next time, right?
* Get my scuba diving certification. UPDATE: I swear this gets more interesting. Yeah, this involves being in a tropical location, that which I have not been to since November 2008. (OUCH)
* Spend longer than 1 week at a time in Hawaii. UPDATE: See above.
* Try surfing. Buy a considerable amount of life insurance beforehand. UPDATE: I was in Los Angeles last September and I suppose I could have tried surfing. However, I was too busy grasping all the newness in my life. Surfing was out of the realm of possibilities at the time.
* Live in Italy for at least 3 months to a year. Maybe longer. UPDATE: BIG NEWS! I will be studying in Italy this summer for five weeks. It’s not three months but it comes a lot closer to my goal!
* Move to another city. UPDATE: I will go where my career/love life takes me. Every time I see this girl and meet her friends, I am amazed at how much I have in common with them. I dare say I have more in common with them (in life choices) than I do with the people I’ve known for years.
* Take another solo trip to a potential city in the next 6 months. UPDATE: Graduate school has taken any disposable travel income. That which I do have is spent on Italy or going to see my sister.
* Read more. My shopping cart at Amazon.com is over $50.00. I am thrilled … except I cannot afford it right now. One at a time maybe? UPDATE: Graduate school has fixed this problem. YAY!
* Reconnect with my dad. If only once. UPDATE: This week marks one year since my sister called me at work. Since then, I’ve met my father’s sister (that’s another blog post and one I may never write for public viewing – I have yet to talk about it in detail without crying) and some amazing cousins. My relationship with my sister has become one of my favorite things in life.
* Travel in South America: Brazil, Argentina, Chile, etc. UPDATE: Remember how I’m going to Italy? ’nuff said.
* Burning Man! UPDATE: I am going this year! My realtor and his wife gave me a free ticket and are letting me camp with them. WOOO!
* Volunteer more. UPDATE: I’m a cold-hearted person. I just, well, haven’t volunteered outside of work or school.
* Find “ridiculous, inconvenient, consuming, can’t-live-without-you” love. (Thank you, Sex and the City!) UPDATE: Unfortunately I cannot discuss this here.  Let’s just say I really enjoy flirting.
* Apologize to my Ex for not putting him first more often. Mistakes were made. I know better now. UPDATE: I hope I somehow conveyed this message to him when we talked last summer. I think he looks at this space from time-to-time so if he didn’t know then, he does now. He helped me grow-up and discover some passions in my life (technology, travel, wine). I will be grateful to him for the rest of my life.
* Have and/or adopt children. UPDATE: I’m pregnant! Just kidding. If it’s biologically possible, I could wait another 10 years or not have them at all. My heart isn’t set on this one … between my own troubled genetics plus the issues I see friends having with toddlers, etc., it seems too terrifying.
* Walk across the Golden Gate Bridge. UPDATE: I was just in San Francisco. I did not do this nor did it cross my mind. It’s just one of my favorite places.
* Join a gym and actually use it. UPDATE: I joined my school gym. Have I used it? Um, a few times. I give myself a D+ on this endeavor.
* Become a better cook. UPDATE: I’ve made progress with soups and chicken. Those who’ve tried my cooking have liked it. (Or that’s what they say…)
* Have more dinner parties. UPDATE: I really love cooking for people. I still don’t do it enough.
* Get my masters degree. In something. UPDATE: I will have my Master’s in Interactive Journalism in December 2011. YAY!
* Live near the ocean. UPDATE: See above…
* Find a job that allows me to work remotely. Very remotely. (See the Italy/Hawaii/South America bulletins) UPDATE: Are you bored yet? This is a post-graduation endeavor.

I’m proud of the progress I’ve made but I want to add a few specific things for the next year. I just don’t know what. Be less afraid of reporting? Less afraid of photography? What do you think?

P.S. I meant to link to other blog posts so you can get the full story behind a few things. However, this blog isn’t THAT long, I’m soon-to-be 29, and tired. Forgive me? Thanks, buttercups. xoxo

I'm sorry, Mom. It's not going to happen.

Your Royal Highness,

You should know I feel awkward addressing you as “Your Royal Highness.” To me, you are Prince William. I mean, come on. I am an American. We address our Presidents by their last names and our university professors by their first. We are casual at our best, lazy at our worst.

Anyway, in a few hours, you will marry a gorgeous woman in front of millions of people. It’s not that I think I should be her. With all due respect, I lost that dream somewhere between realizing I like my (somewhat – I mean, do you follow me on Twitter? If not, you should.) private life and realizing I don’t have a filter. The Queen (aka Grandmum) would love me initially and then HATE me in a few short hours. Why? I’d start cracking jokes about old, stuffy British people.  Also, I hate to tell you this but some Australian who doesn’t like me very well has a picture of me dancing on tables in Switzerland. I might have not been alone … ahem.  Basically, I am the paparazzi’s wet dream in waiting so let’s assume this is settled. You and I are not meant for each other and I am okay with that.

My issue is that you are approximately one month younger than I am. I should say we are the same age. While I have a deep love for men born around that time (No, seriously, I do. My last two serious relationships have birthdays within a few days of yours), it’s precisely the age thing. I’m kicking and screaming my way into adulthood. Yes, I own a house. Yes, I have a dog. I hate the responsibility of the house. The dog stays. Anyway, babies freak me out and most days marriage does too. I am that girl who looks at friends who are blissfully married with CHILDREN and begins to panic. It’s not for me, not right now.

Except now you are starting on that path. I stupidly assumed (I just realized this) that if the Prince isn’t married, then I don’t have to be an adult? I think it should stay that way. Somehow this all seems like, “Crap. The last one of us bites the dust. We’re officially old and have to start procreating.”

I’m okay with the wedding. Okay, maybe not but I have no choice. I just ask you wait to have children … for like 10 years? This whole you being an adult thing is freaking me out and now I feel immense pressure to be one myself. So no children and you and I will be cool. I won’t even hold the awkward receding hairline against you.

Cheers,

Bridget

I digress. One of the perks about my house has been my neighbors who live behind me. They consist of two adults (Amy the mom and Randolph the dad) and two adorable kids (boy and girl). Amy and I spent an hour chatting over the fence on my first day “living” in my house. Randolph opened things for me when I decided I couldn’t do it and didn’t laugh even though he should have. The adorable boy made me late to work more than once because he insisted on saying hello to Keo and I at 7 a.m. When I left for Alaska for 3 weeks last summer, I gave them all the important information so if my house burned down or strange boogeymen invaded, they would know who to call.

I like these people. I like them a lot. And three weeks ago, I noticed their walls were bare and their furniture was missing. My heart broke. I waited a week to find out the truth – they found new jobs in Salt Lake City (HI @DOOCE AND @BLURB). The thing is, it isn’t like they didn’t try to find new opportunities in an area that offers great skiing, hiking, mountain biking, and other opportunities. The jobs, the things that pay mortgages, grocery bills, and medical insurance are not here. The mom spent months looking for a new opportunity and then the dad was offered an in-house position. It took her two weeks to find a new job in Salt Lake City and just like that, they are gone. They are walking away from a house they put in their love and sweat. The blinds are custom and the backyard deck is something I envy on warm evening when all I want is a glass of wine and a good book.

“In the end,” the dad told me. “It’s just a house. It’s a thing.”

It’s not just a thing though. The loss of people like my neighbors is a detriment to my community. It’s another reason for me to explore any and all opportunities to leave a place where I have an amazing support system. I’m sad. I do not want my neighbors to go and I fear who moves in next. They have been unfailingly kind to me, my dog, and my life. Whether they noticed or not, they put up with my shenanigans. They let my dog bark when other neighbors would have called animal control. Every time I apologized, they told me not to worry.

Amy, Randolph, and children, I wish you the best. I hope your lives are filled with joy and I wish you all the love in the world. (Oh and please don’t go… I beg you!)

A lot of what is written here are conversations that have either brought me joy or forced me to think. So sometimes, when I write about situations like Monica Continued, it’s not because something has “happened” or I’m in some kind of ridiculous pain. More than likely, I’ve made a new friend and for whatever reason, they’ve had the joy of listening to my story. The good, the bad, and the really painful details that only a handful of people know about. Something said in the conversation catches my attention and I choose to write about it. It’s as simple as that.

However, the majority of my life right now is awesome. Sure, graduate school is a pain in the ass. Sure, there are weird rifts appearing among the cohort. Sure, I wonder if I’m not doing a good job (in a few areas) and no one is telling me. However, this isn’t THAT much different than real life. The best part, though, is I am finally doing something I love. The strangest thing about it all is I’m enjoying design the most. What? Yeah, I know, right? Design? Who would have thought?

So that’s how the things find their way to this space. They have most likely been rambling around in my brain for a few days, if not for weeks or months. And oh, lookie loo, I’ve posted twice in one week.

“Oh so you’re a bag Nazi.” – a very important person at Google. He said this after I suggested spikes should poke the tires of people who do not carry removable bags with them. I normally don’t laugh about Nazis … but when someone like THAT cracks a joke about YOU, you melt a little inside.

“You’ve got that bitchy ball buster thing going on.” – my friend Mark after I described some group work issues in one of my classes. I HATE GROUP WORK. How do you deal with people who are dramatically different from you?

“Let’s see… you sent him a text message telling him to join us. He arrives within an hour and is looking for you. What do YOU think that means?” – my friend’s boyfriend after, well, yes, this happened Tuesday night. I want to dance around like a teenage girl but I suspect said guy has blinking yellow light syndrome. Damn.

“Maybe his new girlfriend wanted to see what a real woman looks like.” – a friend’s reaction after LinkedIn said my ex looked at my profile. If I said I wasn’t a little happy that he still thinks of me, I would be lying. I suppose this is normal. RIGHT?

“I got into the MBA program.” – my wonderful friend, Sara. She is an amazing person whom I know will flourish and get EVERYTHING she wants out of life and love.

It was, all in all, a wonderful week. What did you like most about your week?

The next day, the same friend brought it up again. She said, “When you told me, I wanted to wring his neck. How dare he do that to you.”

The thing is, I told her as my eyes watered, is I wasn’t mad then. I’m not even mad now even though common sense says I should be furious. I’m just afraid of what the next one will do.

Time is the only cure. And a lot of it. My friend and I agreed on that part.