...From My Sofa with Love.

Pompey faithful left outside in the cold... yet again.

2012-01-25T14:00:00.000-08:00

It seems to be a yearly occurrence now. Us Portsmouth fans,who love our football club so much, are spoon fed stories of splendour andriches throughout the season. Then some news story will break and we’ll come torealise that we are back in the shit heap yet again.

It’slike having a favourite drunken uncle, who makes you laugh and smile and cheer,and then every Christmas he gets drunk, shags some prostitute and your leftwaiting at your front door for him to turn up. Only to have your Mother say “I’msorry Jimmy, but Uncle Toby can’t make it this year, maybe next year eh?” Andyou’re left hitting yourself for even thinking that perhaps this year it won’tbe a letdown.

Or itcould be compared to a failed marriage. You have a few good months of joy andthen the lies start. They keep boiling and bubbling and she keeps ramming eachnew fabrication down your throat until it all comes bursting out as you walk inon her, mid-orgasm, with a 12-inch Russian cock up her. Then there is just morelies as she scrambles around in some pathetic attempt to regain some dignity;there’s yelling, denials, then the admittance comes and the acceptance, and shesays “just give me one more chance, I’ll find a new owner, I swear, it’ll bedifferent this time, he’ll be a good owner and will bring us titles, promotionand we’ll be a top four Premier League team. Just have faith in us.”

What aload of bollocks. It’s time to accept that football is more corrupt and flawedthan any Football Association executive is willing to admit. All football teamsshould be brought back down to Earth so that they realise it’s the fans thatmatter in football, not the players, the managers or, worst of all, the agents.

Inreality, who gives a flying rooster turd what player scores what goal and howmuch he is paid and whether he is sleeping with whoever’s wife or what. It’sthe media that has spun football off into this world of fantasy, over the past sixty years, and it needs tostop. What happened to the days when it was the team the fans support. Notindividuals who earn more money than they even need.

I readtoday that Carlos Tevez has missed out on being paid £9 million since Novemberdue to unpaid wages and fines incurred. Can someone please explain to me, then,how the hell he is living? He hasn’t been paid in three months! It begs beliefhow it could come to such lunacy. If I decided I couldn’t be arsed one day, andrefused to work, and somehow still managed to keep my job without being paidfor three months, I would be out on the street. Can someone please just dosomething about it? We’re in the worst financial climate in recent history andfootball clubs are going into administration left, right and centre. Yet youhave Manchester City, Paris-St Germaine, Malaga and Real Madrid who probablyhave more money each than the accumulated wealth of every lower league and sometop divisions in the entire world, and they can’t even be bothered to lend afew quid here and there?

I know,sod the football, why don’t we all get a grip on reality, realise what is trulyimportant, and force those football clubs to inject some money into the economy.Would that not help a little? Then maybe certain footballers out there willwake up and realise they are merely entertainers, very well-kept entertainers,no more talented than a singer-come-dancer on a cruise ship who is paid minimumwage to work sleepless hours.

Michael Appleton has the right idea when he says that an ‘excuse culture’should not engulf Portsmouth Football Club. It’s the football that matters, and the quality of football played by our team on match day, and it will be a big shame if some thieving businessman’s inability to stay withinthe confines of the law is the downfall of one of the oldest clubs in England.

Play up Pompey.

Man on a Ledge - The greatest title ever?

2012-01-22T08:36:00.001-08:00

Every now and then I will catch a trailer for a new filmthat will make me so angry that I’ll instantly cough up my heart and throw itat the television. Sometimes this may happen at the cinema, which tends not togo down too well with the other film-goers.

The trailer for Men in a Hedgeopens with a nice fly-through shot of New York, to set the scene of course. Then we see the main man Sam Worthington (Avatar,Terminator: Salvation) looking all thoughtful and writing some stuff down.He tells us “today’s the day, everything changes” without moving his lips which ofcourse isn’t a cliché at all and makes everyone watching immediately say “ooooh”and ejaculate everywhere at the thought of another film that claims in thetrailer that “everything changes”. Then he steps out onto, yep you guessed it,the window ledge of his apartmentbuilding.

Cut to an innocent old woman down on the street who points and shouts“look” to what appears to be no-one in particular as there is absolutely nobodyaround her. Next we are introduced to Ed Harris (Apollo 13, The Rock) as he gives us the low-down on this crazysuicidal man – apparently he’s an ex-convict who crashed a car into a train?How did he survive that? This film is ridiculous!

We now get a glimpse of thefemale interest in the film, played by Elizabeth Banks (Role Models, The Uninvited) as she sticks her head out the windowto talk the Man on the Fence down, but it seems to no avail. She tells him that“the whole worlds know who he is” and the best argument he can muster is “DavidEngland set me up”. Hang on. What I’m getting from this trailer so far is thatthe Man in a Potato Wedge is an ex-convict who stole a diamond from a mancalled David England and then decided to commit suicide because he was somehowset up by this Mr. England. But wait! A new twist – Billy Elliot is in thefilm, and he plays Sam Worthington’s brother.

Wait, he’s pulling off a bankheist? Oh, I see, right. So Sam Worthington was framed for stealing a diamond,and so he stands outside a window for a while film to distract everyone fromthe fact that his brother is stealing the very diamond that he was framed forstealing in the first place, to prove to everyone that the diamond is still inthe place it was before and... wait where am I?

The trailer finishes off withlots of guns, people screaming, people running, a girl in a bikini and armyboots and more shots of a man on a ledge. Typical as this comes from theproducer of Transformers and Red. Except, it’s not typical, becausethose two films were quite good!

Man on a Ledge can now sit unused in my DVD collection alongsidesuch greats as Snakes on a Plane, Goldfish in a Bowl, Foot in a Sock, Grain of Sandin a Desert, the religious epic Bushon Fire and, my personal favourite, TedBundy in a Washing Machine.

Whathappened to the good old days of Die Hard, Lethal Weapon and Speed? They hadeverything you needed in an action thriller. You cared about the main characters,they made you laugh, they had you on the edge of your seats and the theme songsalways got stuck in your head for days afterward.

Instead,we’re left with Man on a sodding Ledge.

Paranormal Activity 2 - It's not as bad as you might think

2011-10-20T09:31:00.000-07:00

Warning: Spoilers

I watched Paranormal Activity 2 last night. If anyone outthere does actually read this shite, then listen to me. Watch it.

Okay, it’s not as good as the first one - The first oneterrified me, to the point where I’d wrap the quilt round me just so I didn’tget dragged out from under it in the middle of the night – but it’s still gotgood qualities. The scare factor isn’t quite there, and you find yourself notconnecting well with the characters, but the overall story arc between the twofilms, and I’d assume the third, makes the film work really well.

The story follows Katie’s sister’s family, this consistsof Katie’s sister, her husband, her step-daughter, her baby son ‘Hunter’ andthe family dog, ‘Abbie’. There is a reason why I haven’t mentioned everyone’sname – it’s because I don’t know them! This is the one major flaw to the film;you don’t care about most of the characters. In the first film you really feltfor Katie and Micah, because they were twenty-somethings, with little money,and they only had each other. The second film follows a rich family with a bighouse and they all get along so nicely, blah blah blah. The only characters yourelate to are the baby and the dog – says it all. Don’t let this put you offthough, the story is good, and there were still a few moments where I foundmyself shouting at the screen with outbursts like “No!”, “Don’t you dare!”, “Ohno, here we go again, this night’s gonna be a bad one!” and finally, and mostimportantly, “Leave the fucking dog alone you demon bastard!”

Yeah... I get a little worked up sometimes when watchingtelevision.

We only get brief appearances from Katie and Micah toshow some continuity between the two films, and to give the film some purposeother than “Look at the scary things happening in this house!” But when they doappear the story building between Katie and her sister really adds to theintrigue. You also get a few little things, with it being a prequel, that makeyou think “Oh so that’s why...” suchas the reason why Micah decides to buy a camera in the first place.

As far as special effects go, I was mightily impressedyet again. The first film had the clever footprints and the fantastic bit whereshe gets dragged out of the bed - even thinking about it just made me shiver –but this second instalment goes one step further, where at one point theysomehow manage to make every cupboard in the kitchen burst open and spill itscontents out everywhere, all at the same time! I believe I may have evenclapped at this moment and said “bravo!”

The most redeeming quality of the second instalment ofthe Paranormal Activity trilogy has to be the link-up between the two films atthe end. I was massively impressed that they didn't simply follow the mistake that many horror series have made before (see Saw and The Descent) and make up some bullshit link between the two films that leave gaping holes in continuity. They are not simply trying to make money off the fans here, there are moments throughout the film that genuinely make you think, and that is okay with me. I was even more impressed by thewriters’ decision to have an alternate ending that worked with the alternateending to the first one. I will say, however, that the alternate ending for thesecond one is not as good as the alternate ending to the first one. Shame onyou, writers.

I find myself actually looking forward to the thirdParanormal Activity film, and that is incredibly surprising considering howmuch I hated the idea of there being a second movie. I guess, however, that Ihave learnt the old saying ‘don’t judge a book by its cover’, or morepertinently ‘don’t assume that every prequel to a horror film is fucking awful’

6/10

Fitness, writing and the Dale Farm evictions.

2011-10-19T05:38:00.000-07:00

I woke up today, after a ridiculously short amount of sleep, with an idea. "I'm going to get fit." I said to myself. I decided I would go for a jog every morning, that I would do fifty press ups every morning and even steal my housemate's weights while he's at work.

It turns out, however, that 'getting fit' is a lot harder than you might think. I mean, I'm not massively unfit as it is. Yes, I smoke. Yes, I openly admit to 'not even running for the bus'. And yes, my idea of exercise is running up the stairs when I get in from work. But it's not like I'm twenty stone, eat excessive amounts of McDonalds and run out of breath every time I stand up off the toilet. In fact, it's quite the opposite. For one thing, I actually weigh about nine stone, and for another McDonalds hates me. Literally causes my digestive system all kinds of trouble.

Anyway, so I woke up this morning with the decision in my mind that I'd get fit. Get some muscle on me. I thought I'd even shave and get my hair cut. You know, all the things someone does when they have a life-changing epiphany. Problem is, shaving wore me out so much that I decided to have a fag and sit on the sofa. So much for that. But after watching the BBC News Channel for about three hours I decided it was time to get my act into gear, but in a less active sort of way: I decided to write.

So I wrote a thousand words of my latest novella. Currently entitled 'The Day the Bombs Dropped' and heavily influenced by Read Dead Redemption, Fall Out 3 and 'Incompetence' by Rob Grant. How 'fanboyish' of me. I like to think there's a lot of Mad Max references in there, and possibly a little Book of Eli, but I don't want to sound all pretentious in assuming my little novella could live up to those standards. But anyway, I wrote the beginning of the second chapter, and then realised what was actually happening on the News. All this unrest at Dale Farm, it really is a sad thing to see.

It's difficult to pass judgement on it as well. On one hand, the local council are well within the law in what they are doing. And the Dale Farm protesters (this has to be established as apparently none of the protesters are actual residents) are fully provoking the police into using tasers etc. But, is it right to be evicting people from the home they have lived in for so many years? It's not their land, but they have made it their land by being there for so long. But then again, if they have been there for so long then surely they are not 'travellers' anymore and are merely just freeloading neighbours? What if they were willing to pay taxes, National Insurance, even send volunteers into the local town to help out with cleaning or whatever. Surely, some gesture like that would help the council to rethink their plans?

I don't know. I'm glad I'm not Mr. Ball in this situation, having to make decisions that could so easily backfire against him and force him out of office. The police, however, should feel safe from a media backlash. The reporters are right there with footage of what is happening, and it looks as though the protesters are fully provoking the officers who are simply trying to do their job.

It's a shame that this dispute over land is dominating the news today, and that we aren't getting more coverage of the Occupy Wall Street supporters around the globe. The other day, Occupy Bristol set up camp on College Green, and even though The Guardian managed to cover it, the BBC still does not seem to have covered it on their local news website. Also, why was the Occupy movements not discussed more in today's PM's Questions? It seems weird to me. What every Occupy supporter is doing has my full support and I shall definitely be visiting College Green in the next couple of weeks.

Anyway, I'm going to try and do something more productive now. This is one of those times that I wish I had a dog around the house, so I could take it for a walk.

Noel Gallagher's High Flying Birds

2011-10-17T05:34:00.000-07:00

The wait is over for all those eager for another Gallagheraddition to the music market, for ‘...HighFlying Birds’ is here, and the resulting album is far better than expected. Not amasterpiece by any standards, but certainly something that is worthy of being inany music lover’s CD collection.

Afterthe departure of Noel Gallagher from Oasis, and the remainder of the banddeciding to reinvent themselves as the early-Oasis indie rock group Beady Eye,you couldn’t help but feel sorry for Noel as his venture into the solo worldwas surely destined for doom. Noel hasalready admitted that not having Liam around to attract the spotlight hascaused him a lot of nerves on stage, and this was highlighted in his recentperformance on the Italian Raidue TV station. Comments made by the Oasisfaithful were perhaps somewhat overly critical, most using it as proof that heshould forever be with his brother. However, taking the aesthetics of theperformance out of the equation, musically he performed exceptionally. Hisvoice was not affected by his nerves, and neither were his guitar skills, sostick some sunglasses on yourself Noel, get a stool, and you could be the Britishnew-age Bob Dylan in no time. (See his hunched back and expressionless face? Reminded me of Dylan so much!)

The songperformed on Italian TV was the first single from the album, entitled ‘The Death of You and Me’, and reekedof Oasis’ later works, primarily ‘TheImportance of Being Idle’. This doesn’t detract from its quality though. Acatchy song, that will no doubt remain in the middle of the chart tables forsome time to come. Incidentally, it has the three stages of a catchysong: the first time you listen to it, you find yourself whistling along asthough you already knew it, the second time you listen to it you find yourselfsinging along, and then the third stage it’ll be stuck in your head for theremainder of the day. It may not sell well, and it may not overtake the drivellocated at the top of the charts, but that doesn’t mean to say you won't fall asleep with it on repeat in your head.

As faras the album goes, it is littered with wonderful new tracks and fresh newsounds that you wouldn’t expect from the primary song-writer of a band asprolific as Oasis. Yes, there are the odd Oasis-y tracks on there, the mostsimilar being the closing track ‘Stopthe Clocks’ and the guitar solo extraordinaire ‘(I Wanna Live In A Dream In My) Record Machine’, but the majorityare rife with pleasant surprises. Take the second track, ‘Dream On’, which Noel initially declared as a casual addition tothe album, but in fact has turned out to be one of the strongest tracks on therecord. Noel really lets his vocals go on this track, and that is where thelife-force of the song comes from, but overall it’s an enjoyable song that is abit fun and something you can stick on in the car, on the way to work, and it’llguarantee to make your Monday morning seem a little less depressing.

Thestrongest track on the album, the kind that will undoubtedly feature in the lastepisode of some sitcom on Channel 4 and litter our radios for months to come, isthe surprisingly beautiful ‘If I Had AGun’. The emotionally evocative lyrics, “If I had a gun, I’d shoot a holeinto the sun, and love would burn this city down for you”, show the majordifference between the kind of band Beady Eye are trying to be, and what Noel Gallagheris trying to achieve: the latter producing music that its listeners can relateto and feel a connection with on an emotional level, the former reverting backto the Brit-rock style of early Oasis and frankly boring my socks off. Don’tget me wrong, I love early Oasis, but I’ve already heard it. Bands’ musicshould evolve with each new venture, not devolve into something that’s beendone before.

Overall,the album is not superb or by any means a musical masterpiece. It will not be featured amonganyone’s ‘favourite albums of all time’, and will most likely be forgottensooner than Noel would prefer. But it’s a good album; one that will cheer youup for the moment, provide you with something to stick on while reading a book,and ultimately prove to all those doubters that Noel can survive without Liam.

7/10

Portsmouth 2 - 0 Barnsley (15th October 2011)

2011-10-16T06:10:00.000-07:00

Managerless Portsmouth sent a message of warning to the Championshiptoday as they powered their way to a 2-0 victory over Barnsley at Fratton Park.

David Norris hit a blinder of a volley and Luke Varneyfound the net in the second half to give coaches Guy Whittingham and StuartGray, and the Pompey faithful, something to cheer about.

Portsmouth have struggled so far this season. Having lostfive out of their first ten games, and with Steve Cotterill leaving to joinNottingham Forest on Friday, there was a lot of worry surrounding Portsmouth asto whether they were heading into another period of turmoil and uncertainty.

In the first half there were signs of the problems theyhad faced in front of goal all season: Norris blasting a volley over the barand Huseklepp bundling his way into the area on too many occasions. Theirpassing was sloppy and they regularly allowed Jacob Butterfield far too muchspace in their own half. However, right from the off in the second half therewas an instant change to the style of play. Having suffered a period ofbombardment from Barnsley toward the end of the first half, Portsmouth came outall guns blazing.

They had five chances in the first three minutes, oneshot from Huseklepp was in fact cleared off the line, and were finally rewardedfor their tenacity by two goals in eighty seconds as the game reached the hourmark.

The first goal came from a Luke Varney run down the left wing, poweringhis way into the penalty area. The cross then rebounds off the defender only tofall to Erik Huseklepp who manages to head it down to Norris. Two touches, oneshot and straight into the bottom right corner on the volley. A fantasticstrike from Norris to make up for his poor shot in the first half.

The second goal, although much less impressive, stillreeked of professionalism and drive, as only eighty seconds after the firstgoal Portsmouth kept their heads level and Luke Varney, later named Man of theMatch, was rewarded for his doggedness throughout the game. His goal came froma hopeful Lawrence pass down the right which landed with Dave Kitson, who hadonly just made his return to the Portsmouth squad following a five game injurylay-off. The striker guided the ball into the penalty area, sent it straightacross goal, with Varney waiting to scoop it into the back of the net.

Barnsley had certainly been on the ascendancy in thefirst half, and even up until the hour mark had defended well. But, two goalsdown and only half an hour to go, they seemed to lose that strength goingforward that they had demonstrated so well in the first forty-five minutes.Portsmouth, full of optimism after their quick-fire double, shut up shop andplayed an incredible thirty minutes of defensive football. The only real chancefor Barnsley coming from Jacob Butterfield again, who blasted the ball againstGreg Halford’s foot and sent it looping over toward goal; unfortunately forBarnsley’s best player on the evening, Stephen Henderson backpedalledfrantically and managed to tip the goal-bound ball over for a corner.

Portsmouth did not give the Barnsley players an inch of space, passed smoothlyand effectively, and breezed to an inspired victory.

Is this finally the start of Portsmouth’s season? Iwouldn’t like to put any money on Portsmouth these days. They are the most unpredictableteam in the league; capable of producing the most incredible displays offootball, and the worst. All we can do is wait to see who takes over the reins:my bet is on Dave Jones, although Aidy Boothroyd seemed overly keen to praisethe Blues, and I would not say no to his management capabilities.

This seasonjust got interesting if you’re a Portsmouth fan.

Book Review: The Hitch Hiker's Guide to the Galaxy - A Trilogy in Five Parts

2011-02-11T06:12:00.000-08:00

As I have now finished this 'trilogy in five parts' I felt that I had better write my review of it before I proceed to my next choice of book: The Book Thief. I know Hitch Hiker's is an old book but I only just got around to reading it, so here it goes.

The Hitch Hiker's Guide to the Galaxy

Possibly one of the finest novels I have ever read. I was laughing out loud and reading out certain little gems of linguistic genius to any poor passerby, just because I felt each word had to be shared with the nearest person to me. It turned me into an insane person who would laugh hysterically to himself in the corner of the living room whilst everyone else was trying to watch television. I can't describe how much of an impact this book had on me. To read my full review of the novel then visit http://bathspasu.co.uk/content/309073/spalife/spalife_mag/ and take a look at Issue Two.

The Restaurant at the End of the Universe

The second book in the series was just as enjoyable as the previous. It was nice to have a break from Arthur's far-too-English outlook on the universe and see it from the perspective of Trillian and Zaphod more. One being a strong, confident woman who knows what she wants from life, and one being a mental two-headed alien with only half a brain. The jokes are still riddled throughout and it's still fun to read. Not as magnificent as the first but still a good sequel. Definitely worth the read.

Life, the Universe and Everything

Possibly the most interesting novel in the series. We see Arthur and Ford transported back through the space-time continuum to prehistoric Earth. A long time goes by that we don't see where Arthur lives in a cave and Ford travels to Africa, taking up animal cruelty as a hobby whilst he is there:

"Yes," Ford assured him. "I won't disturb you with the details because they would—"
"What?"
"Disturb you. But you may be interested to know that I am singlehandedly responsible for the evolved shape of the animal you came to know in later centuries as a giraffe."

Although this instalment is still an enjoyable one there are long periods that seem to drag. Once they arrive back on modern Earth, however, and appear on Lord's Cricket Ground during The Ashes things start to pick up again.

So Long and Thanks for All the Fish

This fourth instalment to the Hitch Hiker's series is perhaps the most confusing one of all. Arthur returns to, what we think is, Earth and meets the love of his life. I did feel slightly disappointed by this instalment and felt that Douglas Adams was trying to cram far too much into one book. Even now I wonder if he should have finished with the Krikkit Wars as what better way to end than with an evil alien race trying to destroy the universe?

However, if this had been the end then there wouldn't have been the great line from the fourth book: "The storm had now definitely abated, and what thunder there was now grumbled over more distant hills, like a man saying 'And another thing…'" which of course provided the title for the sixth instalment, not written by Douglas Adams. Furthermore, there wouldn't have been the inspiration for the great song at the beginning of the Movie entitled "So Long and Thanks for All the Fish" which is simply epic.

Mostly Harmless

Don't read it. I have never been so depressed in all my life. It was written at a time when Douglas Adams was going through a tough divorce and this is cast all over the novel. After reading one piece of genius, two wonderful works of art and one still good novel I couldn't help but feel as though I wanted to cry. There is the introduction of a new character in this novel, Arthur's daughter, and I have never disliked a character so much. There was the exclusion of my favourite character, Marvin, which left me even more depressed. That's it! This novel is a work of genius! It somehow makes whoever reads it feel like Marvin always felt. Wow. I can't believe I only just realised this. Sigh.

So there you have it. I was going to read the sixth instalment, 'And Another Thing...', straight after finishing 'Mostly Harmless' but I just want to get away from that now-upsetting universe for a while. I hope to Zarquod that when I do get round to reading it I will have my faith in Adams' masterpiece restored.

Goals, goals, goals and a few more goals...

2011-02-06T13:48:00.000-08:00

English Football 6/2/11

Well that’s another week of English football out of the way and what a week! Liverpool squandered any hopes for a perfect start to Torres’s Chelsea career, Wolves ended Man Utd’s twenty-nine game unbeaten run and Newcastle shocked Arsenal to come back from 4-0 down at half time to finish the game with a draw – a Premier League record.

The mid-week games probably had a lot of coaches worried, due to fitness, and even after great performances from Chelsea, Man Utd and Arsenal in those games – including goals from a defender in each game (see Vidic and Terry goals, they are astounding for defenders) – it turns out that those particular teams had very good reason to be worried. However, the majority of teams in the Premier League had no reason to be so worried as we saw the highest scoring weekend in Premier League history with forty-three goals scored.

Forty-one of those goals were scored on Saturday with Stoke beating Sunderland 3-2, Everton beating Blackpool 5-3, Man City beating West Brom 3-0, Wigan beating Blackburn 4-3 and Aston Villa versus Fulham ending in a 2-2 draw – on top of the games I’ve already mentioned.

Match of the Day on Saturday evening was possibly the most fun I have ever had watching old ‘Walkers Big-Ears’. Lawro had his usual idiotic comments of course, but that’s all a part of the fun.

The team that showed the most courage, grit and fortitude had to be Newcastle of course. They heralded the greatest comeback in Premier League history by scoring four goals in the second half to conclude a draw with 10-man Arsenal – any critics of Alan Pardew and Carroll-less Newcastle will certainly be silenced. Tiote’s goal was the goal of the week and perhaps a sign of how Newcastle will survive this season without Andy Carroll knocking them in left, right and centre. With Barton, Nolan and Tiote scoring goals from other areas of the field they have nothing to worry about – they also have Leon Best who showed his worth in scoring TWO good goals against one of the best teams in the land.

Other promising moments came from Wigan in the form of James McCarthy’s skilful double-flick and strike, as well as Everton's late-blooming star Louis Saha. McCarthy certainly showed that he has the potential to help toward Wigan’s survival efforts and Saha powered four past Blackpool to leave even the verbally talented Ian Holloway speechless.

To the other end of the table however we saw a very interesting couple of results. Man Utd’s drumming of Aston Villa mid-week has been swiftly forgotten by both fans and critics alike by losing to bottom-of-the-league Wolves in a poor display of football. Albeit a good win for Wolves, and they fully deserve it, but Man Utd were so poor after Nani’s third-minute goal that even Ryan Giggs got frustrated and performed a very out-of-character foul on Zubar – this doesn’t take away the feat that Man Utd have achieved this season with such an impressive run of form and I still believe that they will clinch the title.

Arsenal showed signs of how their season may go when put under pressure at Newcastle. In a game that they should have easily taken three points from – and don’t blame the referee Wenger, you never see anything – they lost one man to idiotic frustration and then completely fell apart. If they handle pressure like this in one game then I doubt they’ll perform well enough to achieve poll position in the league, or perhaps even second if Man City continue playing well with Tevez back in the squad. I would mention more about Man City, and I do have a strong feeling they will hold on for second place this season, but I don’t want to talk too much about them as I, in fact, despise them.

Moving on to Chelsea, I must admit that I felt a bit of joy – despite my dislike of Liverpool – when I got home to see that they had lost another important game. If they carry on in the form they have been in since October then they may well even struggle to keep fourth place over Tottenham, how hilarious will that be?! I didn’t catch the game but I’m not surprised they lost, there was a lot of pressure on them to perform well with their new wonder-boy but Liverpool have a bit of oomph in their play now, after seeing Henry splash his cash on the market they have a bit more belief in the back-room staff, and I don’t blame them.

Down in the Championship however we saw a lot of interesting results – a draw for QPR, a loss for Cardiff and another important win for Nottingham Forest has had a dramatic effect on the top six places. There are still a lot of games-in-hand swimming around up there which makes it even more difficult to make an educated guess as to who will win promotion at the end of the season. QPR, Cardiff and Forest maybe, or QPR, Forest and Leeds are my guesses – we’ll just have to wait and see though, exciting stuff.

Finally, I just want to take a moment to give a round of applause to Nugget for netting a very, VERY late equaliser for Pompey. It’s only one point but it’s still keeping us out of that horribly depressing, yet familiar, relegation zone – let’s hope it gets the ball rolling into the back of the net and get a bit of a streak going, and preferably not the losing kind... again.

10 O'Clock Live - A success?

2011-02-04T08:41:00.000-08:00

Three quiffs... and Lauren Laverne.

Well, I thought I’d leave it a few weeks before I wrote a review for this new series. It’s been a long time since we’ve been treated with a good comic news program, possibly the last was the early episodes of Not the Nine O’Clock News and to a certain degree Have I Got News For You, back when it was funny.

That’s why, when 10 O’Clock Live was announced I did get a little bit excited, and who wouldn’t? Jimmy Carr, David Mitchell and Charlie Brooker in the same program, doing what they do best, it’s enough to make a young writer like myself squirm with joy and wonder. Of course when I found out that Lauren Laverne would be joining them I was somewhat dubious. Admittedly, her experience with hosting live shows is unquestionable, but I have never found her overly funny. My doubts weren’t subdued, either, in the first episode as she tried a stab at matching the other presenter’s comedy in her own little pre-recorded segment which had to be the low-point of the entire episode. However, as the series has resumed I can’t help but feel that, despite her unfortunately necessary solo segments, the show would not work without her. She keeps three big egos together and stops them running away with themselves. She has the experience of how live shows works and can therefore keep everything under control – of course this did come across very unprofessionally when she was forced to cut David Mitchell off half way through a good joke at the end of episode three just so they could roll the credits – rude.

Jimmy Carr came across as very nervous in the first episode, slipping up occasionally on a few jokes and being considerably more rigid than natural, and for someone whose stance is usually rigid anyway that was quite impressive, but he has since relaxed. He has being doing what Jimmy Carr does best, and is allowed to what with the show being on Channel 4, and pushed the boundaries on any joke – luckily he has years of experience with this and can keep the audience from being too offended by using such quality lines as “too much? Well, it’s too late now, this is live after all”

David Mitchell seemed somewhat out of his depth at first, being used to scripted sketches and pre-rehearsed rants on Youtube, but thankfully they have incorporated a segment that is clearly inspired by his Soap Box podcasts that works wonderfully well, and due to his profound knowledge of cultural and political affairs he is more than capable of handling the debates section where they bring in one idiot, one intelligent idiot and one idiot who claims to be the voice of the people to fight it out on live television – they may as well throw some wrestling outfits on them and have David Mitchell as the referee and it’ll be just as fair – the only thing that keeps this section from becoming unbearably uncomfortable, such as in the case of one of the leading banking officials of the country calling a university student a terrorist, is David Mitchell’s ability to turn the audience on whichever guest he decides deserves it.

However, the show would, fortunately, not be the same without Charlie Brooker’s additions. I was concerned when I heard that he would be doing live segments, and in the first episode you could see it wasn’t quite working for him. But, the show’s producers managed to make this work by incorporating pre-recorded VTs of Brooker ranting about the likes of Sarah Palin and the Tea Party, which of course is where he shines. By the third episode we can see a vast improvement in his ability to perform live, such as in the case of his rant about the C word, and I’m not talking about cancer, being slipped into live broadcasts all over the television – if you want to see a genius of the English language then watch this rant, it is beautiful. He also tackled the subject of sexism in football incredibly well despite, or perhaps because of, his absolute hatred toward the game.

A fine show so far, let’s hope they keep it together and don’t let it run away with them, if it keeps getting better there may well be some awards coming their way.

Christmas on the BBC

2011-01-06T11:07:00.001-08:00

Every year our televisions are abused with the copious amounts of new DVDs, video games and all those Christmas specials littering the TV guide. This year, having glanced over the What's On TV, I was left feeling somewhat disappointed. Where were those films that make Christmas well... Christmassy. No Back to the Future, no Star Wars and no Empire of the Sun. Sure, Die Hard was on, but the TV overlords would be barking mad not to show that over the festive period.

I then looked at the TV Christmas specials and was disappointed by the lack of quality overall. BBC however, did not let us down, and outshone every other channel available. If you managed to catch the Doctor Who special you'll know what I mean. Then as we came closer to the New Year I found the BBC still was surpassing itself with endless reruns of Morecambe and Wise classics, the fantastically enjoyable Eric & Ernie, and Toast - the best TV drama I have seen since Goodnight, Mr Tom. So here's my highlights for the past two weeks of BBC television.

Doctor Who's A Christmas Carol

Possibly one of the finest Christmas specials of Doctor Who I've seen so far. Yet again, it was very noticeable how much better this great British series can be without Russell T. Davies at the helm. Stephen Moffat's fantastic ability to write, as we saw not just with Doctor Who but with Sherlock as well, shone through with this wonderful adaptation of the old Dickens classic A Christmas Carol.

Matt Smith's subtle insanity still had me chuckling throughout and the support cast was spot on. Dumbleydore, sorry Michael Gambon, played the Scrooge-esque character of Kazran Sardick with marvellously grumpy excellence and Katherine Jenkins added an enjoyably musical quality to the uncharacteristically festive episode - she also showed how well she can act. It was also a nice break from the characters of Amy and Rory who, as much as I did enjoy the previous series' story arc, I can't help but feel that there cannot be too much more to milk from them.

The traditional A Christmas Carol storyline was well adapted for the Doctor Who theme, even if it showed how the Doctor can all of a sudden control the TARDIS with incredible accuracy as he jumped from Christmas Eve to Christmas Eve throughout young Sardick's life.

If you have not yet had a chance to watch the latest addition to the Eleventh Doctor's adventures then please do. You will not be disappointed.

Toast

As I have already said, Toast, starring Ken Stott and a dropped-balls Freddie Highmore, is possibly the finest TV drama I have seen since Goodnight, Mr Tom. It really is a sign of the times and a warning shot down ITV's bow. I didn't really know much about Nigel Slater before I watched this, other than he was a chef, and I found it a really enjoyable storyline. Based on Nigel Slater's autobiography, we witness how he dealt with having a Mother who could only cook toast, to her eventual death of what seems to be Tuberculosis, through to his father's relationship with housewife Helena Bonham Carter, and then finally to his eventual first job in a top London restaurant.

I did find that this drama was more about how his father deals with the loss of his wife more than Nigel Slater's love for cooking, and Ken Stott played the role brilliantly. We witness him as the grumpy old man that we're used to in Rebus, through to a broken man as he loses his wife, Slater's mother, and then a much happier and full-of-life character as he courts Helena Bonham Carter. Freddie Highmore does not feature until the final half hour of the film and I'm glad of it. I have never rated the acting abilities of this young lad and this did not sway me from that view. He cannot play any other character than the innocent and annoying character we see in Charlie and the Chocolate Factory and Finding Neverland - even when he is supposed to be experiencing his first true love kiss with a boy who seems at least ten years older than him he doesn't show enough emotion - the young boy who plays Slater in the first two thirds of the film is certainly a finer actor than Freddie 'Unnatural Face' Highmore.

Toast is definitely worth a watch and will leave you feeling somewhat elated - and hungry. This is quite possibly the final nail in ITV's coffin - the TV drama is BBC's now.

Eric & Ernie

What better way to celebrate two of the best comedians ever to have lived than with a drama featuring two actors who get them down to an absolute tee. When this was announced I got so excited about the thought of Vic Reeves, who is undoubtedly the modern day Eric Morecambe, playing his father - and Victoria Wood, the finest female comedian ever, playing his mother - but it turned out to be the two lads playing the dynamic duo who stole the show.

There was just the right balance of drama and comedy throughout and constant references to the famous skits that we so lovingly remember. I've loved Morecambe & Wise ever since I spent a day at my Godmother's, whilst my mother and her went out, and I discovered the Christmas Specials Box-Set next to the TV - I worked my way through all of them in one day. The comedy that Eric Morecambe and Ernie Wise gifted the British nation with still has not dated and that's the exact reason why Eric & Ernie worked so well.

If you have never watched Morecambe & Wise then do so. Then once you have watched enough that your cheeks ache and your sides split watch Eric & Ernie. There is no better way for me to have spent New Year's Day.

Time to look at what was good and bad in 2010

2010-12-30T13:26:00.000-08:00

Music 2010

2010 has been a fantastic year for music. Perhaps the most talked about musical event of the year has been Robbie rejoining Take That - I mean could I have been more excited?!

Yes... well on to more important things. We've seen a few fantastic bands hit the scene - such as Two Door Cinema Club and Hurts - and we've also seen a few old faces doing something new like Jack White's hundredth new side-project The Dead Weather. Listed below are the albums that really have stood out for me this year and what's to come in 2011.

Linkin Park - A Thousand Suns

After what can only be described as somewhat of a failure with Minutes to Midnight, Linkin Park have returned with full force and shown people that they have not even remotely burnt out. This album has been compared to the likes of Kid A and Dark Side of the Moon, but I would not put it in such an esteemed category.

Don't get me wrong, it's a fantastic album and in my opinion their best work so far, but let's not get carried away. The album is littered with incredible lyrics and moving acknowledgements to some great historical figures. From the opening track, The Requiem, we are transported to a dystopian world that only Linkin Park can take us to - as brushed upon in Minutes to Midnight. Throughout the album we experience a journey from violence, The Radiance, to war, When they come for me, and finally to rebirth in The Messenger, where Chester shows us just what he is capable of when it's just his voice and a guitar. This album cannot be compared to Hybrid Theory or Meteora because it is nothing like them. Linkin Park have moved on, matured and shown us that they are full of potential to become something very special.

Arcade Fire - The Suburbs

I have been a fan of Arcade Fire for a good few years now, since they graced us with Funeral, in my opinion one of the greatest albums of the last decade.

Their second album, Neon Bible, took them further into a class of their own as they produced a much darker album that caused any listened to lose an hour of their lives. Then came The Suburbs.

Of course it's not an Arcade Fire album until there's, what I call, a perfect running song and this comes with, in my opinion, the best song on the album - We Used to Wait.Although this album contains no stand-out singles, such as Wake Up on The Funeral, and Keep the Car Running on Neon Bible, it really is a beautiful piece of work. The moment I heard this

album I couldn't stop listening - Right from the start with the melancholy title song The Suburbs, through to the exciting first single from the album, Ready to Start, and then on to the uplifting Deep Blue.

If there is one album I have mentioned on this blog that you have to listen to then it is this one. Go now reader, and behold something truly majestic. Also, visit this website: http://www.thewildernessdowntown.com/

Band of Horses - Infinite Arms

So, Band of Horses, how many of you out there have actually heard of this band? I'm sure it's less than it should be. However, if I was to play you their flag-ship song Funeral you would recognise it. That's what their known for, but like a lot of brilliant indie rock bands of the 00's they didn't manage to break into the mainstream. Until now that is.

Infinite Arms is an album full of joy, beauty and wonder. It really is capable of making even the most depressive, emoistic jugheads out there smile. So next time you're feeling down, give this a listen. They haven't digressed too much from their previous work, despite their new-found mainstream success, yet there is definitely a unique quality to it. The first song, Factory, is brimming with stunning orchestral instrumentals and that wonderful thing that is lead singer Ben Bridwell's soothing voice and uplifting lyrics.

There's not only the usual Band of Horses orchestral songs to look forward to, there's also a much more upbeat side to this piece of work. It comes in the form of the songs Compliments and NW Apt. which are an enjoyable side to the anthemic style of the rest of the band's work. A must listen and certainly worthy of being held up as an album of 2010.

The Surprise Album of 2010

I have to say that I was not looking forward to this album. It was released so soon after their last and often when that happens the band deteriorates as they simply don't take their time - see Fall Out Boy and Arctic Monkeys. This album however impressed me. It's definitely not their best and it's not something that you can expect to hear in the clubs, like with their last album, but it's definitely something you can listen to whilst reading, or washing up, or writing - as I am listening to it right now. Definitely the winner of the surprise album of 2010, and although not one of the best albums of the year, definitely worth a listen or two or three. Well done Kings of Leon - you never cease to impress.

What's to come in 2011

Finally I'm going to rave and blargh and jump for joy at what's coming in 2011. These two bands are two of my favourite bands ever and with their reform comes much happiness for me.

Pulp will be touring at many locations around the country, including the Isle of Wight Festival which I shall most definitely be attending for my fifth year and, despite the unfortunate departure of John Frusciante (oh well, as long as he's still producing incredible solo stuff then I can't complain), Red Hot Chili Peppers will be releasing their latest album for us all to enjoy and cause an exciting kerfuffle over. Roll on 2011!

If there are any albums or artists that you feel deserve mention then please leave them in the comments boxes for everyone to enjoy.

Now, be gone, for I must get on with writing about what television has been making me all hot and bothered in 2010.

Time to look at what was good and bad in 2010

2010-12-29T12:59:00.000-08:00

Seems as everyone is doing it, and as I am feeling somewhat inspired by Charlie Brooker's Screenwipe 2010, I thought it'd be a good idea to spend my evening alone writing about what I both loved and utterly hated in 2010. There'll be films, TV series, books, music, games and whatever else I can think of to come.

2010 in Films

As I haven't really been home over the summer and Christmas period I happened to have a lot

of time to myself. To entertain myself in these dull and lonely times I decided to watch an incredible amount of films. These are the ones that really impressed me this year.

Edge of Darkness - Mel Gibson, Ray Winstone, Danny Huston / Directed by Martin Campbell

Gibson's out for revenge, and he's doing it with all the anger, gore and hilarity that has been lacking since Payback.

This film is definitely in the top three films of the year. It's got everything you have been missing from Mel Gibson in two hours of superb action. Not only do we get to see Mel Gibson back to his Payback, Ransom and Lethal Weapon ways, we get to see it done with Ray Winstone alongside him.

Every time the two got together in the film I knew I was going to be treated to hilarious battle of wits as two of my favourite actors take each other on.

It isn't just the banter, the humour and the typical Gibson-esque style that holds this film together. It's also got the guns, the fight scenes and the baddies you really love to hate. Put all this together and mix in a fantastic storylin

e, of revenge and corruption, that holds your eyes glued to the screen - in a good way, not a Clockwork Orange kind of way - and you have yourself a film that anyone can enjoy.

Adventureland - Jesse Eisenberg, That Girl From Twilight, Ryan Reynolds / Directed by Greg Mottola

Yes, I know this film came out in 2009, but I only just found out about it in about March time and I have to rave about it. I have become obsessed

with this film, not just because of Jesse Eisenberg's entertaining and loveable demeanour, but also because it's a very realistic story based in an amusement park. There's drugs, alcohol, smoking, sex and a geek who gets off with a hot girl. What more

do you want?

Ignoring the fact that Kirsten... Kristen... Stew-girl from twilight is in it, she plays a character that any guy can have a crush on. She's messed up yet strong, funny yet depressed, and not even remotely annoying. I know! I couldn't believe it either. Stupid Twilight...

Jesse Eisenberg's stereotypical portrayal of a geeky teenager - who needs to earn enough money to afford his rent at college -

with more intelligence than sense is still enjoyable to watch and I really found myself connecting with this character. It's when you start going "This film is about me!" that you realise you like it a bit too much. Don't just watch this film for the storyline, the romance, the heartbreak and the whoop!'s, but also watch it for the 80's soundtrack. You'll have Rock Me Amadeus stuck in your head for weeks.

A must see.

Amadeus... Amadeus... A-madeus... Ahh crap it's in my h

ead again.

The Social Network - Jesse Eisenberg, Andrew Garfield, Justin Timberlake / Directed by David Fincher

Yes, I know, another Jesse Eisenberg film, but he is undeniably a fun actor to watch in films. Also, I know everyone will be raving about this film in their "Films of 2010" thingymabobs, but come on.... It's fantastic.

There isn't really much to say about it though. It really is one of those 'you have to see it' kinds of films.

With a great storyline that doesn't focus too much on the geeky side of Facebook - with lots of fun drugs, alcohol, sex and Justin Timberlake being cool - you get a film that draws you in, never bores you and really makes you go home, look at Facebook, and say "Huh... I just watched a film about you."

The soundtrack is really wicked, and I can't express how good the cinematography is in it. Each camera angle is perfectly placed and the script really is made for Jesse Eisenberg's intelligent-sounding voice.

It also ends on a Beatles song... and who wouldn't enjoy that?!

Watch it.

The Suprise Film

This category is dedicated to the surprise film of the year. This is the film that I didn't expect much from and completely threw me back in my, rather comfortable, cinema chair and declare "I am so surprised" to everyone in the room.

Filled with horrifying darkness, glorious humour and Brian from Ideal, this film is definitely the best of the seven. I don't care what anyone says, it's the first one where I have come out of the cinema and thought it did the book justice.

If you haven't already guessed what I'm going on about then here it is... please don't hate me.

So that's all for Films of 2010. I shall shortly be posting my Music of 2010. If anyone has any other films that I haven't mentioned then please post them in the comments below.

Seldom Seen Elbow sing us a song that seems to be about chavs...

2010-12-27T10:28:00.000-08:00

Elbow have returned with their short-awaited first song from their 2011 album build a rocket boys!.

I say 'short-awaited' because no-one in fact knew it was coming. Or, at least, there wasn't much press coverage on it and no such gossip surrounding them. People are still raving about their fourth studio album The Seldom Seen Kid which of course launched them into Mercury Prize winning success. However, the excitement, gossip, twittering, facebooking and general pandemoniuming has really kicked off due to lead singer Guy Garvey's 'accidental' and drunken slip-up where he announced the title of the album, the cover-art and the first single to be released.

And so we arrive to 'Lippy Kids'. A strangely titled first single, but one that from the first to the last minute makes you sit back, close your eyes, and whilst relaxing also jump with rather motionless joy at how Elbow seem to have done it again.

Now, I don't want anyone getting the idea that they have produced a song like 'Grounds for Divorce'. Which, of course, was the song that enthralled everyone when The Seldom Seen Kid hit the radio. No, no, no. 'Lippy Kids' is a song more reminiscent of 'Some Riot', 'The Loneliness of a Tower Crane Driver' and 'Mirrorball'. Much slower, much more atmospheric and - with the help of a simple hypnotizing piano key being taped down to repeat a single note, and Guy Garvey's tenor voice - the listener is instantly transported to not just Garvey's childhood, but their own. To those cool summer afternoons sat outside with old friends. To the smell of freshly cut grass as you skip the school P.E. lesson. Or perhaps the smell of ice-cream as you run down the ice-cream truck.

Whatever memories you associate with your childhood, this song and hopefully the entire album will take you on a journey through distant and forgotten dates that you once held dear.

If this song has only been released so soon because of Guy Garvey's unfortunate drunken mishaps, then I hope he keeps downing those Guinnesses. (Guinni? Guinnesees?)

'Lippy Kids' is an undeniably beautiful and yet haunting track that shows promise for the future of Elbow.

Roll on 2011.

build a rocket boys! is due for release on March 7, 2011.

Man teaches himself to paraglide... on YouTube.

2010-05-25T10:19:00.000-07:00

So this is my first blog. I've been told by so many people 'blogging is the way forward!' And considering I want to be a successful writer well... I guess I had better get on with it.

I was reading the news today and, if you don't keep up with the news, then I suggest you do. There is plenty of stuff around which can make you laugh your face off. Perhaps not literally, although you should really go to the doctor if your face does fall off... it's not a good sign. So back to the news, I found a little gem of an article today about a man who decided to go paragliding. He had never been paragliding before, had never had any lessons, and thought that YouTube, in all its wonder, would be capable of teaching him everything he needed to do.

So, what does he do? He logs on to eBay and, after what I'm sure was many hours of searching, he buys himself a £300 paragliding machine. First mistake of many. He then takes his wife and nephew to a location near Hexham, Northumberland.

Now, here comes the most wonderful fact about this gentleman's adventure. After setting up his paraglider, getting all the correct gear on, and most probably turning to his wife and nephew and saying something cheesy like "Stand back kids, this is gonna be a bumpy ride" he tethers the paraglider to his car and takes off... Second mistake.

Am I the only one who is somewhat astounded by the idiocy of this man? How can someone, who apparently is a part of a charity that has been aiding the helpless of Haiti recently, be stupid enough to think that it is a good idea to attach a flying vehicle to something stationary?

So anyway, not having the sense to think "oh wait, when I take off the rope will just pull me straight down again" he takes off.

He flies for less than a minute. The rope tightens, and then slacks again as the gentleman smacks straight into the ground. He apparently hits the ground three times before the paraglider can't take anymore, and he is left with his back broken in two places.

It's okay though, the man has realised his mistake, and did not suffer any fatal injuries. He is now well enough to speak to the media and tell them what happened from his point of view.

"As I was dropping, I was thinking, 'this is serious'". Well I'm sure anyone would think that when you're dropping 40ft, the ground is coming toward your face, and you've only been in the air for less than a minute.

"I am very blessed that I got off so lightly," he said. "I am very embarrassed about the cost of the rescue and using all these resources up."

That's what you get for watching YouTube and thinking that, just because a video has a million views, it doesn't mean you will learn anything from it. The Numa-Numa guy is just a fat guy miming, Chocolate Rain is not a good song and, no matter what Chris Crocker says, Britney Spears is not okay. Okay they are all funny, but not for the right reasons. One thing that YouTube is good for is watching idiots make huge and painful mistakes, somewhat like the paragliding guy - just search for 'play him off keyboard cat' and you will find endless hours of hilarity.

Also in the news, U2 have cancelled their Glastonbury headline due to Bono breaking his back. Hang on, does anyone know if Bono has been paragliding recently?