From Roots To Halo

World Alone

2023-07-05T21:11:00+00:00

Today the Sun is conjunct (next to, aligned with) my natal moon in the nurturing, motherly receptive and emotional sign of Cancer.

To say it’s been emotional is an understatement. Today I’ve had to advocate for the hysterectomy that I know I need. The decision itself was hard enough to face. But surprise surprise restrictions were put on me once again. I was told I wouldn’t be granted the funding based on wants alone. Quote from the consultant “Every woman wants a hysterectomy, we can’t give them to everyone”. But this isn’t a want. This is a need. 25 years of suffering is enough. The follow-up questions I had, she didn’t answer. Even after 4 times coming back around to question about currently prescribed meds. All she could say is that they were for reducing the flow of my period. I said I haven’t had an actual ‘period’ since January, just consistent bleeding that doesn’t match with a monthly cycle. So why was I prescribed them? And when is it safe to take again?

Honestly, she just didn’t know. The NHS is crumbling. Staff aren’t trained. There is no care. Only targets, statistics and boxes to tick. Doctors don’t look systemically. She says I don’t qualify for a hysterectomy because of a ‘bit of bleeding’. I need to have a reason like cancer premarkers.

I said what about suicide. Suicide is the number one killer of our time. Is being suicidal because I can’t cope with the bleeding enough of a reason? Honestly she didn’t know what to say. So essentially I’ve been referred for a second opinion. She hadn’t read my notes, no idea I’d even been offered a prior surgery last year. All she could tell me is that surgery comes with risks. I’m sorry lady you’d really don’t know me. You don’t know how long I’ve sat in the dark because I’m too scared of risk..too scared of consequences. And when I decide enough is enough. Someone else tries to tell me to be afraid once more.

It wasn’t the way I hoped it would go. But it’s not a ‘N0’ it’s just more hoops to jump through, more hills to climb. I’m tired of having to be the one to go through the extra. But I’m aware that’s my path with Saturn at the helm of my natal Sun, challenging my options until they are refined in a way that almost perfection is guaranteed.

It’s been a lot for me lately. Life has been a lot for me lately…life has been a lot for me always. But things have changed so much. Mentally, physically, emotionally. I’m having to face up to things that I’ve buried, that I’ve tried to hide for so damn long. The biggest challenge is that I’m having to do it all alone.

I have people I can reach out to. But it’s not the same as having someone by my side. I’m still nursing my broken heart. Painfully so, as I watch older couples taking their dogs for a walk. Wondering if they realise how lucky they are.

I’m currently sat under an oak tree, thinking about the last time the wisdom of a mighty oak in Sherwood forest guided me to the end of my marriage. Being crawled over by mother nature’s beautiful fauna, being greeted by dogs out for a walk, in wondrous open space for nature in the heart of an urban town. I’ve just had the amazing sight of the red arrows soaring past…as if they were doing their own private display just for me.

It sets my mind off pondering. Thinking about the last time I did actually witness a private display from my father-in-law’s work. Thinking about the cake I made for him, which was one of my own personal favourites. Is he here now.. watching over me? Or are my memories what keep him alive? I now live in the room where he left us. The apprehension I had about staying there actually dissolved as soon I realised it was… just where I needed to be. The energy of that room wrapped itself around me like a warm blanket and comforted me in ways that I didn’t know I needed.

The red arrows also reminded me I need to lower my expectations. To expect nothing in fact. For nothing is guaranteed…. and when I think about how hard I tried in my last relationship to make plans to see flypasts, to force a special occasion and how empty that left me.

Something that I’ve always done. Tried to force the happiness. Because I misunderstood the definition of ‘being positive’. Literal thinking taken too far. When I look back and see how miserable I was when I got something I wanted. And how happy I am when I get something accidental. The best things really do happen without planning, without rules, without expectations…they just are. The glimmers that life offers often come at the most peculiar times.

As I deal with my thoughts before facing the world again I’m enjoying this space for myself. Well if the dogs leave me alone. Multiple fusses today.

And then I think of my own daughter.. a staffy with a heart of gold.. who doesn’t live with me. But feeling a bit poorly right now. How I wish to be with her. How as a mother I want to protect and nurse her in all the ways I can. Yet I can’t…that’s another thing I’m having to deal with. Leaving my children in a fixed sense, and learning to embrace the opportunities for special moments. It’s hard when I’ve spent 25 years being a mother to my animals. To feel now that I have to just be me, and with only me.

Added to that the realisation that, with or without the hysterectomy, that I will be no mother to a human child of my own. A child that most people didn’t even realise I wanted so desperately. Because I kept it hidden.. because I let others’ opinions of me define my reality. And as the Sun illuminates my Moon, the feelings and the maternal instinct comes to the surface for all to see.

But this life has not blessed me with the body for human life to move through. Instead I will nurture in the ways of a mother to the souls that need me when they grace me with their presence in my life.

Until then, I am here… alone, grieving but grateful.

Astrology extra It’s clear to see after a read through that the tone changes somewhat through the post. Somewhat egotistical and self centred to begin with (The Sun), to move to softness and grace at the end (The Moon). I was going to edit the first part to sound less harsh as the bottom reflects more of the me that I fight to be. But I realised that the contrast only helps to explain the difference between the Sun and Moon in Astrology. The Sun represents our Ego. Our core being. What makes us tick. The Moon is our emotions, how we process feelings, our receptive nature, to mother and be mothered.

Often the ego gets a bad reputation, that it’s something we should dissolve in order to be kinder considerate beings. Although it certainly needs to be kept in check, we can’t remove it because it’s who we are. Instead we blend it with our other qualities. To deny our ego is to deny us. We can use it, like the heat of the sun’s rays, to fire us up. To become stronger. But when we temper that with the cool light of the Moon. When we let the soothing waters of mother nature wash over that ego, being careful not to drown it, just erode the harshness. We create something beautiful.

Do or Do Not…There is No Try

2023-01-23T19:50:00+00:00

So many of us are told as children that we have to try…and if we don’t succeed…try again…and again.

Unfortunately this message throughout our childhoods has caused greater mental ill health across a generation. Because now, we are simply afraid of failure.

And we shouldn’t be afraid of failure..it’s part of life. We need to accept failure. Not fear it.

I’ve stayed in situations not meant for me because I’ve convinced myself I’m just not trying hard enough. “I just need to put in more effort”. More of me. “The problem is obviously me, because other people succeed at this”.

But eventually this mindset depletes us because it’s not sustainable…and then we have to face the reality that we have failed when we’re at our lowest.

This can be especially hard to swallow.

Sometimes we know inside that we haven’t achieved enough. Or the result wasn’t what we’d hoped for. And what do we tell ourselves? “We’ve failed”. Sometimes we can talk it over with a friend…who may convince us “you’ve not failed, you’ve tried your best, you did what you could” . This essentially just puts more emphasis on the ‘trying’. So next time we put in more effort thinking if we try harder we won’t feel this way again…but we do.

Because essentially, it’s the wording we’ve been so familiar with using which is causing us pain. No amount of trying can make us accomplish the things we aren’t meant to do…and that’s ok. That’s what we should be telling our friends. Validating their thoughts to allow them to accept their failure..but also telling them it’s ok because it’s impossible to succeed at everything. And just because an outcome didn’t match their expectations… doesn’t mean they are a failure. That’s the important part. Being unsuccessful doesn’t make you a failure…it makes you human.

It also doesn’t mean you should give up everything. When we think about failing Vs succeeding it’s often very black and white thinking. We come to the conclusion we have to repeat exactly the same again. Rinse and repeat until a failed task becomes a success. And sometimes that works, because repetition builds precision. But is it healthy?

I would say more often that not it builds fear, not success. Sometimes real success is intermingled with it. Yet fear of getting something wrong…is not a reason to get something right.

We should want to be successful for ourselves and what feels right to us. Basing our levels of attainment on someone else’s judgement can never be true success, and will eventually lead to a whole lot of anxiety.

Believe me, I know this too well. I spent years staying in a situation because I was afraid of the failure for giving up. I constantly unsuccessfully repeated the same tasks over and over again in slightly different ways, different days, different moods and still got nowhere. I berated myself when my list of jobs got bigger instead of smaller. I compared myself to others who did what I did…but they had success.

“I just need to try harder” I said to myself. But I had tried my very hardest. And it _stil_l wasn’t enough. I became sicker and sicker. Until, instead of giving up the thing I was failing at, I was giving up at life.

People gave me what they thought was helpful advice. Trying to make the situation appear more shiny and positive than what it was. Making me feel more like I was the failure because I knew I wasn’t feeling positive, and couldn’t feel positive.

They gave me suggestions where I could try this and that, or say that I wasn’t a failure, and I’m just having a bad day. “Tomorrow will be different”. And to a degree they were right. Tomorrow will always feel different just like the weather changes so will our emotions. Yet at the same time… no amount of justifying failure without admitting it, will ever result in success. I had to admit to myself that the whole situation I was in just wasn’t working, and never would…and that’s ok.

Life wasn’t shiny…it was very dull. Filming in monotone and then adding colour, isn’t the same filming in colour. The image appears fake, because beneath the surface it doesn’t show the real picture. Any additions I made were just skewing my vision. I needed to see the failure of the colours not working, to allow myself to realise I needed a new camera.

It took 1 week of being in the right relationship to make me realise I’d spent 15 years trying in the wrong relationship. Too scared to admit the relationship had failed. Too bitter to admit I’d wasted all that time for it to be called a ‘failure’… which had only made me dig in deeper. I hung on in trying because I thought it was “the right thing to do”. Not what I needed.

So I guess the biggest question is when to admit defeat? When do we know when to give up and when to persevere? I found the best way is to listen to what’s important to you and not others expectations.

You aren’t going to please everyone. And people will judge you. Mostly because they themselves are living in judgement from others. Until we shift the mindset of society to move away from certain standards we will always feel judged.

Yet we must be true to ourselves. Accept with grace when we have failed and use it to propel us in a different direction. One that doesn’t feel like such a burden to ‘try’, but where trying is exciting. Where we feel empowered to try, not enforced. “Try, try, try again.” Doesn’t have to be a banned phrase. But it should be used carefully with an emphasis on different approaches. “Try this… didn’t work? Ok, try that. Still not working, maybe try this? Or maybe this is not meant for you? It’s ok to stop trying this completely…and start something new.”

The best way to know ourselves, is to ask ourselves. Is this for me… or for them? If it’s for you, you will find a way because that’s part of your journey.

If it’s what you think you should do. It won’t ever work. Because you are basing your self worth on false direction. It’s not being selfish or lazy to stop doing something that’s failing. It’s healthy to admit our flaws and that we are infallible. It’s ok to fail.

The Astrology:

For those interested in Astrology here the connection. Uranus has just gone direct. The planet of chaos, rebellion and freedom. For the last few months it has been in a retrograde motion, which means slowing down and appearing to go in the opposite direction as the earth moves faster. As with all retrogrades, this backwards motion gives us time to reflect and regroup. But once the retrograde is over its direct influence can be felt once more.

So now is the time that things are shaken up, sometimes quite literally with physical earthquakes being a real possibility while Uranus is in earthy Taurus.

Yet what’s important, is to pay attention to the disruption. Where you see a crack opening up, now is not the time to plaster over it. Uranus represents the creation of destruction. If you see damage to the wall, look to see if that wall is really necessary. If not, tear it down. Uranus gives us the freedom that arises from the rebellion. The crack in the wall that allows the light to shine in… doesn’t want to be blocked out. Allow it to highlight the way. Head towards the new.

We cannot save what needs to be discarded. When we are shaken, we must awake…not try to settle the dust back down. Clear the debris. Holding on will only make things harder. Release your grasp and see where the wind takes you.

That fortress that you’ve built around yourself is coming down whether you like it or not. Don’t stay to let it collapse and end you. Accept the change that’s happening and free yourself from those walls. The walls that were once keeping you safe, but now holding you prisoner.

Embrace a new perspective.

Much Love, AW

Pain Is Beautiful

2022-09-13T15:00:00+00:00

So like all things in life I seem to start something and never finish it. I created this blog for mostly astrology related content but somehow I felt inadequate with what I have to offer. I mean yes, I know a lot, but I know a lot less than most and there’s so much good quality content relating to astrology I feel my skills may be better used elsewhere. I still will let astrology guide me and use the influences but I feel this blog is much better suited to my personal journey and rise to that Halo. At my core level I want to help, so if my rambling thoughts help just one person find life that little bit easier to deal with I can be proud.

Anyway life has been pretty uncomfortable recently and now as the dust begins to settle in a new formation I feel ready to take part in the world again. Throughout my life I’ve suffered, mental pain, emotional pain and also a lot of physical pain. There have been so many times when I’ve just wanted the earth to open up and I sink into the nothingness below.

To avoid the feelings and the difficulties life has thrown at me. I wanted so much to just escape it all that I just stopped living. I turned into a reflection of a person, there was no depth, no form, just a shell of anger and bitterness. I felt there was nothing I could do right. Every time I did something for me I got knocked back, and every time I did something for others life dealt the easy hand. So it was obvious. I’m not here to have a life, I’m here to serve.

But as time wore on I got tired, I was exhausted, living on empty, constantly. I was so lonely despite having a partner of 19 years who I shared everything with. I tried to explain myself and ask for help but every single time I managed to confuse, upset or alienate people further and they didn’t see I was drowning.

So I isolated myself further, until I barely left the house. My phone would be off for weeks on end. I put off talking to family. The house felt like the only place I was safe, and yet at the same time became my prison. So much was falling apart that I didn’t have the mental strength to fix, I felt suffocated and constantly living in fear. Flashbacks of previous traumas cycling on an endless loop throughout my brain.

Yet at the same time, I pretended somehow that I was ok and just had to focus on the one thing that gave me positive reinforcement. The cats. They became my world. The only thing I could do right. The only thing that didn’t feel like I failed. But I took it to the extreme, I gave them everything I had and left myself with nothing, they became unruly and difficult to manage. I planned my whole day so they could feel loved. And it was worth it for the way they looked at me with bright eyes, purrs and headbumps. They were happy.. so I was happy. Is what I would tell myself. They gave me that affection I so desperately craved.

Yet all wasn’t really happy. How could it be, I wasn’t living. I was their slave. They had me at their beck and call. I jumped up everytime they were in the house and gave them what they wanted. So obviously everytime they were displeased with my offerings I broke, I felt useless and even more of a failure because I was basing my self worth on their happiness. That’s not sustainable. Not with anyone.

So I became angry and frustrated. Hating the world. Hating living. I lashed out and insulted people around me desperate in any way to get attention. Like a child having a tantrum. Not being able to self soothe. And it worked…I got the attention, but not in the way I wanted.

I pushed my husband to the brink of despair that he wanted to take his own life too, he began to hate me, and so, one day he had enough and my old life ended. The day he told me he didn’t love me and had feelings for someone else. The very person who I’d pushed him into seeing, so that he could have a friend to talk to so as not to feel lonely. Oh the irony.

My heart was smashed into a million pieces. And everything went dark.

But that’s when something miraculous happens. When you feel yourself hit that cold hard floor with a thud, when you truly reach the rocks at the bottom, that’s when you get grounded. All of a sudden that fear from the falling ends, because you’ve landed. It may not be where you wanted to land but the inertia stops and you find your bearings. You have the safety to stand still and contemplate your next move. Obviously you realise it’s going to be a harrowing climb to get out of that hole, but somehow having the safety of knowing where you stand gives you confidence. You just need to take that first step, back up the wall.

And this is where pain is beautiful. It feels like it wants to destroy you, but essentially it heals you. It helps you grow. Because when in life do the things we obtain without trying, challenge us? Have you built yourself up when something is easy? Or have you found courage and determination when the failures hurt you? Every time we are wounded, we get stronger. Muscles build up when we push them to their limits, and that pain of the muscles growing sends messages to us that it’s working. That ache is there because we do something, we’ve started moving, that there is progress. We have to lean into the pain, not shy away from it. Every time we break we can heal.

When you think of it on a biological level, pain is created from the misfiring or overstimulation of neurons in the synapses. It’s electricity. Like a lightning bolt that comes down and sets you on fire. The shocking jolt I received that day, woke me up, and restarted my heart. It freed me from my fear and forced me into a new way of being. Pain reminds you of how fragile life can be, to give you a whole new outlook. Do I want to be hurt? Of course not, but I accept the lessons that it teaches me. In order to rebuild, we must first fall apart.

What follows will be a tale for another day, but pain has a way of humbling you. The most beautiful people you meet have often been dealt the hardest blows. Accept that pain is progress and you can see a heavenly horizon emerging.

Much Love, AW

What’s it like to be a Capricorn?

2021-07-10T21:57:00+00:00

It’s been a while, the posts I had in my head have stayed there. The subjects I was going to write about came and went. But here is one that I hadn’t planned. Born out of the darkness of the New Moon in Cancer in opposition to my Capricorn Sun.

The Sun was in Capricorn when I was born. I feel very deeply connected to my ‘Zodiac’ sign. Your sun sign I can best describe as your core essence, the inner you. Beneath the layers of skin and bone right at the very core lies a part of you, that’s really you. When I find other Capricorns I feel they are my tribe, my herd, who I can go unnoticed with, mingling together as if we are one. They are the ones who understand me when the rest of the world misjudges. The ones who know my struggles as if they are their own. Capricorns are often disliked, it’s difficult to really put into words why this is, but here is my attempt to do just that.

When you look at the image of Capricorn sign, the Seagoat. We have half our body grounded in reality, climbing that never ending mountain. Yes we may butt heads with people but generally that because we’re so honest and people prefer to take offence rather than see the truth. Sometimes we can’t see the truth because we are tired from all that mountain climbing, and butting heads.

What people fail to see is the other side of us. The tail beneath the water. The deeper side to us where we feel more. We dream of nothing more than giving it all up and swimming in peace without the pressure to perform.

We feel the fear of never being able to reach that mountain top, and that pressure leads us to analyse everything. To strive for more. But we burn out. And lash out when the world is unfair. We’ve got targets that aren’t achievable because essentially how can a creature with a tail reach the top of a mountain? Our struggles are in vain and that’s hard to handle.

This causes a great deal of sadness with being a Capricorn that nobody understands unless they are Cap or they see it first hand. People think we are superior because we want to achieve the best and are critical, but we are critical when we see a missed opportunity one that we wish we could take. And we feel inferior when we can’t achieve. The superiority is inferiority in disguise. Helping is at our core because we’ve felt the burden of nobody helping us. The pain we feel is what drives us to try to course correct the pain that your future self may feel. But that’s our fear and we need to let that go, but often can’t.

We’re not pessimists or optimists, we’re realists. We use logic to solve problems, the logic created from failed attempts of getting up that mountain, and we want to share that but people misunderstand our meaning.

Our innocent questions come off as intrusive, our opinions come off as moaning and our care comes off as patronising. We know we don’t mean it. But for some reason it seems impossible at times to communicate without causing offense.

All we want from others are reasons why something will work, we’ve already thought about why it won’t. Most people don’t like to give us reasons. But we like all the information to access the easiest path to take up that mountain. We’ve fallen too many times to risk another stumble.

And when we fall we land in that ocean so deep we don’t think we can ever make it out. Our heads choking as our tails want to dive. We stay for a while alone in the ocean wondering if instead we can grow gills and live in the water, away from the land, away from world. We drift and we stagnate, time passes, time heals, and then we see that mountain from a new angle. A new hope. A approach. We swim to the shore and we start to climb once more, believing this time we will not fail. An endless cycle of hope and despair.

Who is the Ascended Woman?

2021-05-29T16:44:01+00:00

We all are. Well we can be.

Ascended Woman is my ‘stage name’ formulated from a Tarot reading after pulling the reversed Hanged Man. It seemed to fit in a way where I was enlightened to share my path, to help others along the difficult journey that we call life. Ascension is something a lot of us try to achieve in one way or another. To be above everyone else.

But I found the beauty comes not from being above, but below. Amongst the roots. A interconnected messy system that sits below the surface, nourishing us with everything we need. Understanding that we’re all part of a wondrous eco system and the strength lies at the base of the person. From learning who we are and where we fit in with the universe is where we find our Halo.

I’m not ascended, I’m not better, I’m just a person. But I’ve evolved and adapted to know that finding harmony within our selves is a way to create peace within the universe.

I don’t pretend to be some know it all guru who has all the answers. I’ve struggled in my life to overcome a series of obstacles and illnesses, physical and mental. It’s not been easy. I’m never going to be ‘well’ in the conventional sense. I’m always going to have my flaws, but acceptance is the key. I’ve found various coping mechanisms that have allowed me freedom to be more of who I want to be.

I was told to not be “so sensitive” and the world doesn’t work like that. But why not? Why can’t we be the change we want to see. I don’t want to be locked behind closed doors, ashamed to be myself because society feels threatened by people having feelings, of being human. We aren’t perfect we have no reason to put people on pedestals and demand so much from them. Yet we do, as a society. Creating illogical role models where greed, attractiveness and assets are valued more than love and generosity.

I want to create a world where we value kindness and compassion above all else. Where we forgive more than we judge. Where we love not fight. I know realistically this isn’t going to happen. But a girl can dream right? I know suffering is going to happen regardless, it can’t not. What I want, is people who are suffering to feel valued, appreciated and less misunderstood. Less alone.

So while the world catches up. I want to carve out my corner of the world for the people like myself, who don’t fit into societies ‘normal’. That are for one reason or another lost in the darkness. Just needing a helping hand to find their own roots, so that they can support themselves. Eventually creating their own halo and shining their light into the world.

I’ve always enjoyed writing. It’s something that feels very natural. Yet at the same time I’ve always been too secretive to share because I’ve never believed I was good enough, or made sense! But now, although I still care, I’ve reached a point where I’m just like why not? If just one person understands me and is in someway helped by what I have to say, that’s all I need.

This blog is, at the moment, going to be mostly Astrology based and ways to use Astrology to help ourselves navigate the world around us. I’m still learning so don’t expect miracles, but what I’ve learnt along the way so far is too invaluable not to share.

I’m not going to give you current daily Transits or literal translations. There are plenty of other sites suited to that. I want you to understand how to use Astrology like a remedy, so that you can unlock areas of your own life and then you can breathe again. When you’re disconnected at the the roots you’re depriving yourself of sustenance. The Natal chart provides the Roots, the foundation of your existence. How you grow that tree, to reach your Halo, is up to you!

Much Love, AW