Jamie asked

“what do wish for LESS of?” …

The first thing that came to my head? RAIN.  Seriously, the rain and dampness and WET is just bothering me this “summer”… I’m SURE its bothering the farmers too.

This has been the wettest summer I can remember for Saskatchewan, although I can’t find any numbers stating how much rain we’ve had, the fact that the ground has been so saturated that rain is no longer being absorbed into the soil (hence the swamp under my back deck) and the flooded ditches and fields around my home would make me believe it is a WAY bigger number than the average (280cm from Jan-Dec)…  So, yeah, I’d like a few dry weeks, please?

But more than that… I would like to have less CLUTTER in my life. Not only the physical stuff that I accumulate on a seemingly daily basis, but emotional, spiritual, and intellectual clutter as well. I’m starting to realize that a lot of the STUFF I have is just taking up space to take up space… I have a lot of things I don’t need, don’t use, and didn’t even realize I still HAD. I have realized that there are things I don’t really NEED, or which were from a life I no longer lived. I had collected things or carried things from my past that no longer spoke to me… and I need to start letting it go.

What kinds of things?

 Well… Craft supplies from hobbies I lost interest in, old text books from university, old CDs of music I no longer want, VHS tapes (although theEx can have those back if he wants), books I have read and will likely never read again, old electronics, recipes I have printed off, old cookbooks, plastic storage containers that are missing lids (wtf? Seriously, if I have a container why don’t I have a corresponding LID?), furniture I no longer want that is only taking up space, old clothes that no longer fit the kids or which I no longer wear… the list goes on and on.

So I have decided I am going to challenge myself. Every day I am going to get rid of ONE thing that I have been holding on, and hopefully blog about why I kept it, and then find a way to sell/donate/get it out of my home. I know that doing this with ONE thing will be less overwhelming than doing a mass decluttering…  

My mission — should I choose to accept it – is to clear out things that don’t matter anymore and bring in things that fill ME UP. It’s not about seeing how little I can live with or trying to win a contest about consuming the least, it’s about letting go of things that do not matter and making space for new, better, more empowering things to come in.

It’s about making room for ME in my life… letting the past go on its merry way and allowing the me I have been wanting to become come OUT. It’s about making the space to fix up my kitchen so I can start to experiment with baking and cooking, flavours and textures and new taste sensations. It’s about letting go of the obligations and things that I tried that didn’t work so that I can streamline and pay attention to the things that DID work. It’s about creating a flow and rhythm in my home, my family, my mind, my body, AND my spirituality. 

It’s about damned TIME

Where I was….

TheEx monitored me 24 hours a day. I was used to being watched and scrutinized and was fearful of talking to coworkers, fearful of phone calls and emails, and fearful of making plans. For years I knew that my husband would call me at work, randomly, and hope to catch me away from my desk, which he assumed meant that I was engaging in adulterous activities – so I did my very best to be at my desk at work 90% of the time (this was one of a number of undisclosed reasons that I was “let go” from that job without disciplinary action). I knew that every phone call I received at home was checked (or listened in on), that he checked my online diary, personal diary, daytimer, email accounts, snail mail, and cell phone records. My in-laws babysat and for years and reported on all my comings and goings (my FIL was just the same with my MIL). I lived in a cage where anything I did or said or anyone I talked to would result in insults and anger and more monitoring…

You’d think that being free after being so constrained would be a joyful thing. But I was not used to having freedom.

Living In FEAR…

For an entire year after I walked out I was on constant alert for danger.

After I left the ex, I didn’t leave my parents house for 6 weeks. I didn’t phone anyone. I didn’t go to any events. I lived with my parents, so my life was work and home, home and work. I was afraid to leave my parents’ house in case they were mad at me for not being there with them. After a while I would hide out in the city on the weekends after I dropped the kids off for his visitation – but I was afraid to go out with anyone or do anything where I could be seen.

I was so afraid of the freedom I had gained, I handed my life over to the next bad idea – the Stalker – even though I knew that I was not ready for another relationship. At first I was happy, I belonged to someone and I had boundaries given to me. There were expectations at first, then suggestions, then pleadings, and then commands. He would spiral through the cycle of abuse in one email, only to back track and blame his language on me and how much I meant to him in the next. When I pulled away, he desperately clutched, using all means including my spiritual beliefs to prove to me that he was the man I was destined for.

It took a great deal of strength, but I gained freedom from Stalker too…

Comfort in being ALONE…

By this time I was comfortable with being alone in my home. I was still afraid to leave my home after work or on weekends, and I didn’t regularly answer my phone or check my email… slowly slowly I could feel myself uncurl from the compressed constraints that I had lived within. Slowly I started to look up, to dream, to seek more, to explore.

I continued to be lost. I looked to friends to tell me what to do. I looked to Reg to tell me. I looked to coworkers. I looked to advice bloggers and relationship experts and my therapist and my children… I wanted to do it RIGHT this time, but I didn’t know what RIGHT was!!

I went from having my life mapped out for me (get a degree, get a husband, have children, get a job, buy a house, work 30 years, retire…) to having no map. I went from knowing what was expected of me to having no expectations for my future.

With an awed suddenness I went from having a life which was narrowly defined and constrained, to having every possibility opened to me…

And with it a terrible paralysis has developed.

Where I find myself NOW…

I have been spinning in circles looking at everything at once, wanting it ALL and knowing that inevitably it is impossible to do so. I am struck with the feeling of being both 36 and also 18 – I have responsibilities placed on me by society and yet I also have so many possible plans and desires that I don’t know what I “want to do when I grow up”…

Such was my previous life that I am not sure what my talents are, what my passions are, what I want out of life. I feel lost in a fog of “who am I” that occasionally lifts but doesn’t completely clear up. The path I am walking is unseen, unclear, and unsure… Several times I have lost my footing, turned or lost confidence in the steps ahead…

But this too is a natural part of life.

My formerly secure identity – X’s wife, BoyChild and GirlChild’s mother, employee of Y – have all been shaken or destroyed. I am standing in front of the mirror of my own consciousness, trying to see the future I no longer have, and trying to divine a path I have not yet committed to.

My grief is tangible to me, but invisible to most. I do not know who I am meant to be. I do not know HOW to find the answers. I do not know where to turn… other than inside myself.

Now is the time to trust in my heart and start to listen to my own intuition instead of deciding on the basis of what others judge to be the best path for me to take.  Now is the time for me to explore my self, my desires, and learn from my past mistakes. Now is the time to define, for myself, what is “success”, what is worthy of sacrifice and what burdens are best laid down…

I trust that I am the only one who can find my Path and my SELF. And right now that means exploring and discovering what fits ME and not listening to what fits someone else…

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I have to note that I haven’t been spending a lot of time doing things I enjoy lately. It seems that whenever I have a free moment I have been getting things done – cleaning, cooking, preparing, organizing, rearranging, working – and so when I first read this I was all  like “ooh, fold the laundry and sweep the floors”…

While I can fully recognize that I need a certain level of tidiness and housework to be done in order to have a sense of all around well being, I also need to recognize that I should not allow the guilt of what isn’t done to keep me from doing things that make me feel ALIVE.  These 2 needs constantly pull me in opposite directions, and I need to make peace and make space for each of them in my life.

How I wish to spend some time… the PRACTICAL SIDE:

• I wish to spend some time every week going through my house for items of clutter, and releasing them into the “wild” – donating them to charity, selling them on Kijiji, throwing them away, or otherwise getting them out of my house and home space.
• I wish to spend some time every month going through recipes as well as my pantry and freezer, and making up “make ahead” meals for myself and my children so that we can stop relying on eating out so often.
• I wish to spend some time each week CLEANSING my space and making it into a reflection of ME.

How I wish to spend some time… the WHIMSICAL SIDE:

• I wish to spend some time with each of the colours of the rainbow… I want to get intimate with colours in all varieties – spreading them out in my art journal – and release the fear of being too bold or brash or other negative words.
• I wish to spend some time journaling every day, before my kids get up or after they go to bed.
• I wish to spend more time UNPLUGGED.
• I wish to spend some time submerged in an experience every month.

What do YOU wish to spend some time doing?

It wasn’t a glamorous dream.  It wasn’t a glittery dream. It wasn’t a blazing, take over the world dream. It wasn’t something that would get me lauded in halls of fame or infamy…

It was just a dream, a goal, a Path.

Somewhere on the Path I laid down my pack, sighed in resignation, and took another road. I took a road that was touted as “Better” and “Leading to Success” and “Stable”… I took the Path that made my family happy, “oh look, she’ll have a career, she’ll be able to look after her self!” and made my (now ex) husband happy, “oh thank God she will get a job that will PAY for the lifestyle I want without being an embarrassment to me”… and that made everything think I was a sensible, mature, adult…

I walked away from the Path that led to my dream – it was too “uncertain”, there was “no money in it”, it was too “new agey, woo woo”… and no one believed I could “make anything of” myself in that career.  

I would like to say I actually TRIED to make the new Path work, but my heart wasn’t in it. I tried my hardest to veer off the Path, to show those who had pooh-poohed my dream SEE that I wasn’t meant to be an office drone.  But I was good at school, and I made my way successfully through a program by finding the few things that were interesting enough to potentially work towards.

My heart wasn’t in it. Instead of planning a grand career that would take theEx and I to wonderful new heights of wealth (or debt the way he spent) I was planning a family and a simple, happy, impossible (since we had different ideas of this) life with children and a SMALL, modest home. While my husband wanted the grand dream home, 2 cars, all the toys and trinkets, I wanted FAMILY and love and a partner who would be part of my life.

I sabotaged my marriage. I got pregnant early on the new Path to my career and had to slow down  and then mere weeks before I was to finally graduate, at the beginning of a Gods-Honest CAREER path, I chose to have my daughter rather  than take the brass ring. With that choice to parent rather than follow the Path set for me, the death knell rang on my marriage.

Now… 3 years out of my marriage, 7 years out of school, 10 years out from the original divergence I am starting to wonder – what was so WRONG about the original DREAM that everyone steered me down the other Path?

Why can’t I find a way, even 10 years late, to follow a dream? Maybe my dream won’t make me wealthy… but its probably not destined to drive me to the poor house either.  Perhaps I won’t be wildly successful, but I might be at peace with MYSELF and who and what I am. Maybe I will disappoint those who love me… but maybe they will learn that they don’t always know what is best for me?

There is nothing really WRONG in becoming the person I want to be – even after a 10 year detour.

When I first read it, I read it as “what would you like a fresh start for”… and part of me immediately jumped to “my adulthood”… dayum, a lot of the time I wish I had made the right decisions when I started off my adulthood (I’m assuming around 20) and if I had done that I wouldn’t feel “lost” the way I do right now.

But even I know that’s false…

(At least I HOPE HOPE HOPE that I am not the only person who feels lost…)

But where do I wish to make a fresh start: now that is something that directs ME to make a change.

I feel like this year has been all about changes – I have moved and tried to radically change a lot of things (mostly unsuccessfully) in my life – I have tried to change the way I spend, eat, entertain myself, interact with people, and view the world…  and yet I haven’t really been able to “get it”…

What I need is not a radical change by itself, but a fresh start! I need to say “okay, that was that, now lets start as if we’re starting from scratch”… I need to let go of the old systems and stories that are holding me back, and I need to MAKE A FRESH START.

Where do I need a fresh start?

1. Finances. I need to let go of the past mistakes and just move forward from HERE. I have found a few really useful resources and I am starting to evaluate and learn about money management.
2. Career. I need to look at my education not as a missed opportunity and a failure on my part (since I haven’t been successful in using my degrees) and start as if I am just starting out NOW with no baggage. What do I WANT to do, even if it is hard? And if I can find that I can determine the steps needed to get there.
3. Love.  Past patterns and past rituals need to go, and I need to start as if I was just starting out instead of as one who has been through and is afraid.

Where do you wish to make a fresh start?

It’s been a lifelong struggle for me, just to say “no” to things that I do not want… but this is something I am working on changing.

Why do I say “yes” when I want to say “no”?

Honestly, there are a variety of reasons that I do this:

• I want to belong. This is the strongest one, because I can feel it pulling me into things I don’t have the time, energy or finances to do. I have spent more of my life looking for people to interact with and a place to belong than any other goal in my life, and even though I haven’t made any headway in this area, I continue to say “yes” to activities where I might find people to talk to and belong with.
• I feel obligated. This is particularly strong where my children are concerned – because I am a divorced parent I feel that I have something more to prove to the other mothers, something that I lack from having chosen to divorce the father of my children.  This is particularly strong when I am receiving judgement from the school system or my children’s teachers.
• I feel guilty saying “no”. This is strongest when I am confronted with a situation where I am propositioned to be NEEDED for something. Usually, this is a volunteer position that I am needed for, taking time and energy away from other things that I need to do (either for myself or my family), but because of the awkwardness of saying “no” I agree to do things…

So yeah, I people please… for a variety of reasons, either wanting to belong and fit in or because I feel that I will be letting someone else down, I do things that I do not want or have time to do.

It happens over and over.

Now I’m starting to look at this part of my personality and actually start to say “no” to things I do NOT want to do. It’s been harder than I expected, let me explain…

 Saying “NO” to the Boy Scouts of Canada

Last year I decided to get BoyChild involved with the Cub Scouts. When I was signing him up I got the pitch that they needed more leaders or the program wouldn’t be able to be sustained (guilt)… and I thought that it would be a great way for me to be more involved with my children (obligation) and I had been a leader before with the Girl Guides of Canada (belonging) so I said I would “think about it”.

I didn’t really get much chance to think about it because right from the minute they sensed that I might do it they ramped up the sales pitch, and before I knew it not only was BoyChild signed up for Cubs but GirlChild was signed up for Beavers  and I was being groomed as a Beaver Leader.  Within one the costs started to rise:

• $150/kid to be signed up
• $30 for me to sign up and $35 for my police record check
• $75 for uniforms for the kids, $50 for a uniform for myself
• $10 for the Cub handbook
• $2 every meeting for dues (for 30 meetings =$60)
• Camp fees all year  ($20/person/camp for 4 camps = $240)
• $300 in  Camping GEAR
• $50 for fundraisers

By year end I had spent at least $1000 to be part of this group.

Every meeting I was cornered and asked when I was going to do more training, telling me I needed to “step up” and do more. By mid-December I was expected to attend committee meetings once a month, to do online training, to volunteer more, and plan more activities and events.

It wasn’t good for ME and it wasn’t good for my FAMILY. I was feeling pinched in my finances and every time I turned around the group wanted MORE from me. Making extra meetings meant sacrificing time with my children and sacrificing time getting their homework done and proper meals cooked. It meant giving up sleeping in on Saturday morning. It meant feeling rushed. It meant letting other people down.

It was hard to step back and say – “while I want to be part of this group (belonging need) and I believe that this is a good thing for my children (obligation) and I understand the need for qualified leaders (guilt) I just do not have the capacity to meet your requirements of me either financially or with my time” – and even harder to realize that it is TRUE and its OKAY.

I needed to say “no, I can’t do it” and not offer excuses or reasons. I didn’t OWE them a reason, my stating I would not be able to be there for them this year had to be enough.

What I learned:

It is OKAY to say “no”, without offering an explanation. In this case there was no way that the other leaders and committee members were able to understand my point of view.  It is sufficient for me to say “I cannot do this” without having to offer excuses or explanations or reasons or humiliating myself by explaining that I can’t afford something on my budget.

I have the right to say “I do not have the extra time for this” without an argument – after all, only *I* know what I have or do not have time to add to my life.

It’s OKAY to not belong. The requirements of membership in this group were too expensive – both in terms of money and time.

It’s okay to shift priorities. While I realized quite early on in my stint as a Beaver/Cub leader that it wasn’t really something I could sustain long term, I did my best to meet all the requirements of a leader for my term with them. I did not shirk my duties and I tried my best to meet their demands with the demands of a full time job, parenting, and personally rewarding activities. In the end, I realized that while I enjoyed Scouting, and my children enjoyed Scouting, it wasn’t high enough up on our priority list for this year.

Saying “no” is not burning bridges. This summer I had another situation which I had to say “no”… this was very difficult for me because, like the other situation, it was something that I really wanted to be part of. I had applied for a scholarship to an online workshop type thing, and had received a partial scholarship – which was still a bit beyond my budget. I didn’t want to disappoint the workshop leaders, whom were people I respected and wished to be friends with, but after a few weeks it became apparent that the material presented was just not right for who I was at this point in my life. Luckily they graciously accepted me stepping down from the course, understanding that right now was not a good time for me to accept the information they were giving me.

Sometimes it’s okay to have no reason to say “no”.  As I get to know myself I have started to realize that sometimes it pays to listen to that little voice inside me telling me not to do something (or, to do something no matter what it takes). I don’t have to understand WHY something feels right or feels wrong, I have to go with the feeling.

Don’t rush into decisions. Because my time and resources are finite, and because I have to juggle work and kids and leisure activities for all of us, I need to be more careful agreeing to things. Like the Scout Leading, quite often there are more time or money requirements that aren’t immediately apparent and thinking about these things, and determining how saying “yes” to this might affect other priorities, is essential.

Meet YOUR needs BEFORE you please other people. For me it’s always easier to avoid confrontations by agreeing to do what will make the other person happy, if possible. Often that means putting the needs of the other first and subsuming what I need to do to make myself happiest.  Its NICE to please other people, but the $1000 I spent on the Scouting experience could have been put towards the Dream Vacation (DisneyLand) and we’d be 25% closer to our dream.

It’s okay to think in terms of money, or time, or interest. So maybe not everything in your life HAS to be socially motivated. That’s OKAY! It’s okay to sacrifice for something that has a higher priority, even if it is more “me” time when people think you SHOULD be more social!

So, while I still FEEL guilty when I say no, these experiences have made me step back and start to focus on my priorities and what *I* want out of life – for my social experience, for my money, for my family – and not to keep being bullied into what other people want.

What do you (if there are any YOUS out there anymore) do when you want to say “no”? Have you ever had a time when you said “yes” to something that you knew you should have said “no” to? What steps do you take to avoid the “no” guilt?

Lately 90% of my reading has been in the form of blogs on my Google Reader, and about 75% of the blogs I subscribe to on Google Reader would fall under the category of “Life Coaching” blogs. I read over 50 different blogs that talk about “passion” and “soloprenuership” and how to work for yourself.

I don’t “GET” the whole life coach thing, though…

I mean, OBVIOUSLY most of these people have made a business out of telling other people how to live their lives, and have encouraged their clients to make “the move”… usually to becoming the next iteration of life coaches.  Who then get clients and steer those new clients towards a career as a life coach? I don’t know… all I know is that most people who hire a life coach end up becoming a life coach (or talking about it) themselves… 

I might have that wrong, though.

So, since I have very little idea what it is to be a life coach, and I have not gotten to the point in my life that I’d be eligible to HIRE a life coach (dude, I’m not a professional anything and I’m not entirely sure if I have special skills) and I can’t afford to even approach one of these exalted ladies (they all seem to be women, or is that just the ones I’ve come across?).  I am unlikely to be able to do more than examine blog posts to determine what the appeal is and I’m not sure that I’m likely to BECOME one any time soon (is that another point against me?). And if that’s the goal, maybe I need to find a goal that is more in line with what I am.

I’m CURIOUS… what does a life coach DO? Does anyone have experience with this?

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I ask because what I get out of the blogs and conversations and posts is this:

I have a deep set NEED inside me, the NEED to find out where I BELONG.

Sometimes I feel like I don’t belong in my life… like I’ve taken a wrong turn somewhere in the forest (it’s always a forest) and I’m lost and wandering. I’ve been adopted by a community of beings, but I don’t fit, I’m not the same… but I don’t know where to turn to get to the place I DO belong.  So I putter along doing what I’m doing – crashing and banging and getting tangled on the branches and undergrowth – and hoping that somehow, some day I will see what it is I AM and what is it I am meant to do.

At least, I HOPE that there is a group of people out there that I belong to and belong with… because there is a yearning in me to be part of a community I know that this MUST be something I AM destined for. The idea of a “life coach”, for me, is that maybe there is a person out there, somewhere, who might be able to help me see the past the trees in my self-imposed forest, who might be able to see the ME that I can’t see, who might be able to guide me to others who are like me, or help me discover what I AM…  

I read these life coach blogs and sometimes I’m tempted to see what they might say (but really what are they going to say for a 36 year old administrator who can’t afford the $100US/hr rates on her $18CDN/hr salary) about my life and how to become the person I am meant to be. Sometimes I wonder if I am even MEANT to be more than I am, if there is a skill I have that I’m just not seeing a need for? I wonder if I am missing opportunities to become what I was always MEANT to be? What if they can see the potential in me I am missing?

Does anyone know??  Maybe someone can see something I’m not seeing here…

So… the question Jamie asks this week is :

What do you wish to send LOVE to?

As weird as it might seem, I wish to send love to my SELVES :

•  I wish to love the unloved child-self that never felt like she was “enough” for her family 
•  I wish to send love to my wife-self so that she can understand that it was necessary and RIGHT to have left her abusive marriage for something better. I wish for her to love herself because she was strong enough to leave, instead of hating herself for staying so long or not staying longer.
• I wish to send love to my mother-self so that she forgives herself for not the mistakes she (and wife-self) has made with the kids. I wish for her to understand that kids want her TIME and ATTENTION, not objects and clutter and detritus. I want her to forgive the “imperfections” and “issues” that other people point to in her children, and help her to see the beautiful shining souls that are just waiting to come forth in her children. I want her to love what she does do instead of hating herself for the things she can’t do. 
•  I wish to send love to my lover self so she understands that to love someone doesn’t mean to lose the self in him or allow him to walk all over her 
•  I wish to send love to my future self, so she can see that the “mistakes” of her life were fated necessity… I wish her to love the journey and to continue seeking the path because Present-Self doesn’t wish to give up trying to find her place in the world 
•  I wish to love my Present-Self. I wish to love myself, because I should. I wish to accept myself. I wish to keep cheering for myself even though I feel LOST. I wish to forgive my “flaws” and love me no matter what anyone else thinks.
• I wish to send love to my Creator-me so that she can understand that being creative is NOT about being PERFECT, it’s a fundamental need I have, and there is no “right” and “perfect” wasy to do it, nor is there an easy way to get through other than to try and try and try…

I also wish to send LOVE to:

•  My children, so they would always know that even when I am hard on them, even when I don’t give them everything they want, I love them and am willing to sacrifice to make them happy, healthy and well rounded.
• My family so they will someday be able to love and accept my life choices.
• My friends, whom I don’t get to talk to or see often due to time, energy, or distance.
•  The friends I have yet to meet, knowing that someday I will love them, its just a waiting time now.

… the newly painted green of my bedroom.

…the warmth of a kitty cat

…circles, spirals, dots, swirls

…greens, blues, indigos

…brown eyed susans on the side of the highway.

…calla lilies, roses, lilacs

…aurora borealis shining overhead at night

… being held by one who cares

…holding my children in my arms

…having a home of my own

…being part of a family, even a broken one.

…travelling, something I NEVER thought I would love when I was younger (and more naïve).

…baking and cooking (just not doing the dishes).

…trying new foods (as long as they are fish and peanut free)

…arts and crafts

…frogs

…taking pictures

… creating art

I have been doing a lot of thinking of what things I love to do, as I am still on an exquisite exploration of my me-ness. Part of this has been looking at things that I enjoy, that feed my soul, and incorporating things I love into my life to make things feel fuller. It’s something that I have regretted not spending time on in my past, because I often did the “womanly” thing and put the needs of others before myself… and I lost a lot of time learning what I do and do not like/enjoy by ignoring myself.

While I am not exactly SINGLE anymore (I am in a committed non-live in relationship) I do not want to walk down that path again, which is exactly why I am trying to use this time in my life to find out exactly what I want, like, and NEED for myself outside of my relationships with any other people.  Too soon life changes and I might not get the time or have the ability to explore or have alone time like I do now.  I don’t want to wait forever to try new things, especially knowing that my partner is NOT at all interested in trying new things with me.

While I love Reg very much, I just can’t see him being willing to take a trip somewhere new, go to an opera or ballet, take a class with me, or try a new kind of food… he just wouldn’t do it and I know from experience that there isn’t a point in pulling someone along to things they seriously do NOT want to try… it’s about as pleasant as taking a cat for a walk.

So… part of my process is trying things out on my own, for me. Not needing another person to be with me, to share things with me (although, yes, it is much more fun when you get to have an adventure with someone you love). It’s part of my process of being SINGLE (because I am not married to him, even if I am committed to seeing if this is what we both want out of life) and finding the places I can compromise my yearning for new, adventurous things with the idea of having a life partner who is there for me for the long haul, everyday type events that are truly important.

I don’t know if I will marry again, or cohabitate with anyone… that’s the future and one that’s too uncertain to speculate on.  I am planning my life for ME… and if someone else fits into it on the way that’s great (I know that my kids fit into it already, since they are part of my whole life)… but if they don’t I’m no longer going to be the kind of girl who gives up everything she is and dulls down her existence because of a man…

Never again…

So, while I have time to decide the path I want to take I am doing all I can to enjoy my life. If that means having a glass of wine with dinner, so be it (Reg is a complete teetotaler) even if my SO doesn’t share the pleasure. If I want to go out and try something new, I am willing to invite my S.O along, but I am not longer willing to forgo things just because they don’t WANT to come along for the ride.  I will no longer allow someone else tell me I CANNOT do something just because they do not want to do it…

So I have decided that I am going to try and implement a plan of action for my life:

• Take at least one class a year to learn something I love
  • Last year it was Irish dance, this year I will continue with Irish dance and if I can afford it I will take Tae Kwon Do with my son as well
  • Take myself on at least one small trip every year (within reason)
  • Save at least $100 a month into a savings account
    • By cutting cable back to basic or tier 1, my internet phone to basic, and my internet to high speed light and managing my cell plan better
    • Taking lunches instead of buying lunches for work
    • Cutting down grocery costs
    • Cutting energy costs  as much as possible (running only full loads of laundry, changing to energy efficient lights, unplugging things that are not critical when not in use)
    • Pay down my debts within 2 years (mortgage excluded J)
      • All GST, bonuses and tax refunds go to pay down debt
      • No incurring new debts
      • Pay off credit cards and consolidating into the line of credit which has a significantly lower interest
      • Move towards super secret plans J

In the mean time I will EXPERIENCE my life more…

Any tips/hints/suggestions to doing that? What do you do to EXPERIENCE life fully?

… I worked to get my IM working, only to be told that the issue wasn’t with any of the friends on my contact lists.

… I reconnected my email accounts.

… I cried

… I realized that as much as it hurt, it was necessary to let it go.

… I left the lawyer another message.

…I decided to travel even if I had to go alone.

… I wanted to bitchslap someone.

… I wanted a change of scenery.

… I finished my book and realized Ididn’t have another.

… I realized that I didn’t have to forgive and forget, because that is not necessarily a moral “good” in my world.

…I delighted in the colour of my room.

Today…

…I yawned so hard I hurt my jaw.

… I spent 30 minutes arguing with the printer over whether or not there actually WAS a paper jam (there wasn’t, its evil).

…I decided to look into travel plans despite setbacks.

… I asked a friend forgiveness knowing that sometimes things can’t be repaired.

…I made alternate arrangements.

… I wondered at the douchery that is my ex-husband (again).

… I acted as secretary for the ex.

…I lost my patience with the lawyer (again) and am considering just settling the matter once and for all.

… I spent some time thinking about connections.

Tomorrow…

… I will decide if I want to move forward from here.

… I will broach the subject of travel.

…I will look into my heart and see if I want to forgive someone.

… I will realize that you can never go back, only forward.

…I will hope

…I will spend time being quiet

…I will no longer wait to hear your voice.

… I will make plans of my own with no conditions.

So… this week’s theme seems to be a recurrence of last week – pain. Last week I fell down 12 stairs and did myself some injury… I seemed not to have learned the lesson from last week, cuz the hurting myself thing seems to have replayed itself THIS week.

Like a broken record. I wonder what I’m not seeing.

The BIG BAG of GAH and FUCK ME moments:

This week was just a big clusterfuck from beginning to end, let me tell you. Between computer issues at home and renovation issues at work I didn’t have much time last week to get online and clear up a few things… and that really made things WORSE.

1. PAIN
   After I fell down the stairs last week I thought I was lucky enough to have escaped with just bruised hind quarters… and possibly a bit of bruising on and down my leg.  While my posterior has seen great improvements (and a rainbow of colours) in the last week, the intense knot of pain in my lower back, just above my pelvic bone/spine connecting spot (sorry, I have NO freaking idea how to explain this) will not go away. I have tried hot and cold and rubs and tylenol and advil and soaks and stretching and sleeping and OTC things… but nothing.  The healthline number I called stated that it was most likely that I caused a bit of damage when I fell last Wednesday, likely because I tensed up as it happened, and I can either try massage or go to a chiropractor… for now I’m unimpressed.  This back pain has made it difficult for me to sleep comfortably OR sit in front of a computer – so I haven’t been online much this week when I’m not at work.

1. MISSUNDERSTANDING
   I should really say misunderstanding-S because this week has been NOTHING but missing the intentions — obviously the missed stair that led me to fall down is was only ONE missed action and intention. I’ve been missing phone calls, missing connections, and miss using words/terms all week, leading to an inevitable fuck up all over. Not the least of which lead the person I consider to be my best friend to lambast me (and rightly so) for not correctly conveying frustration when trying to understand something he apparently had no interest in discussing with me. The conversation ended with what, could best be described as him slamming the phone down and stomping away. Only less loud.  And while I regret the way things were worded, and I have been considering my emotions on the matter, I don’t know how to concretely resolve the issue or if there is something inherently broken that is beyond repair. I can say I’m sorry, because I am, but I cannot debase myself and beg for forgiveness because the debasing is the basic issue that has been causing the hurt in the first place.

1. ENNUI
   I’m feeling the need to change and change my scenery. A few months ago I had started making plans to visit my best friend but cancelled it because I wasn’t sure, yet. I wasn’t sure if I wanted to take a chance to sit with him and talk to him in person, I was afraid of the person I was becoming and what I was feeling — how things were changing with his love life and my love life and no idea if I’d be welcome – and now I regret letting things get in my way because it might be too late. Not too late to visit the city, but too late to consider taking that chance, making the leap of faith… I realize I need the time away from my work and home and kids to stretch my independence.

The goodies

While giant piles of clusterfucky horrendousness are not great, I have had some interesting and good things happen as well.

1. REALIZATIONS
   Whether they were comfortable or not, I have realized a few things that I needed to face in my internal life. The pain of learning sucks, but there is relief as well.
2. COLOUR
   After living in my house for 3 or 4 months, I finally am getting around to painting MY bedroom, in the first step in making my bedroom into a sanctuary for me and my soul.
3. FRIENDs
   While I have to accept that I am estranged (at best) from my (best) friend for the foreseeable future, I have been able to connect with my other best friend from afar. She was the Maid Of Honour at my wedding, and my friend from grade 5 on… while our friendship isn’t as close as it was before I married and had children (partly because she lives in another country I have not been able to visit) her current settling down (in another country) to have a child of her own is likely to make it so that we aren’t so far apart in life experiences anymore. Having the chance to go out for supper with her and just talk was great, and eased my mood regarding the estrangement with my other best friend.
4. PLANS
   I have decided that although my original trip was cancelled I will find another time to take the trip anyway… by myself. While I enjoy spending time with Reg, I don’t know if I want to wait forever to go exploring, and so I am considering just making my plans to go East somewhere and go alone out into the world. I don’t have to fear it anymore, I’m a big girl. If I want to go to an opera or see the ocean I should be able to do that… even for an extended weekend.

Even though my Zentangle class was cancelled (although according to her blog she had the class, she just told me she didn’t… hmmm) I think I will start looking into more of these small creative workshops and classes and things around the city.

5. OFFLINE
While I certainly enjoy keeping in touch with a wide variety of people online, the last 2 weeks – with computer issue and pain issues keeping me down for the count – I have been spending a lot more time than usual by myself not online. I have realized things that I want to do, and things that I have missed doing, and am starting to work towards the unclaimed goals I left behind years ago. I love my online life, but I don’t want to ONLY have an online life… I want to EXPLORE…

So… there you have it…

The good… the bad… the bad that warped into good… and hopefully the good that will transform the bad…

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…upset about being “called out” in a situation where I have tried my best to be accommodating and adaptive and undemanding, but which I really should have been able to be a bit upset about the way things went.

…PAIN shooting from my knee to my shoulder

…a huge bruise darkening and spreading under the skin of my left hip.

…uncertainty about the future

…worry that plans I want to put into place will be shot down tomorrow

… Disappointment in the lack of direct communication

… sadness in being replaced so quickly, completely, and silently

…frustration with not being able to talk to you

…concern with not being able to get this dealt with even after an entire YEAR

… exhaustion at the thought of dealing with all of you

…love that you’d take the time to help me so much on your time off

…wish that I could make everything magical and fun, but keep finding that I am lacking the energy by the time I get home to you

…dread because the confrontation is coming soon

… hurt… just so so hurt by you…

… I watched the sky cloud up and worried the rain would come again

…I watched the sun break through and hoped things would be okay again

…I emailed my lawyer’s boss, wondering if my lawyer had quit working for them or why he never so much as responded “got the info” the three times I sent it to him

…I wandered through my office and watched the remodel, not being able to consistently work at my station

…I loved the idea of running off somewhere for a vacation this summer

… I listened to the quiet hum of the water cooler/heater in the office after everyone left.

…I thought of writing, started, deleted, and started again

…I allowed myself a brief moment of hope for my future – for a family and partner (even with discipline issues) for love, and for companionship – without fear that I wasn’t good enough for that.

…I thought of packing up the painful stuff and sending it off.

…I wondered why she didn’t tell me they wanted to go on vacation or that she didn’t think she wanted to take care of my kids anymore, leaving me in a lurch with no warning scrambling for a summer schedule.

…I wondered if I would visit with her this summer before she went away again.

…I dreamed of space.

…I picked out the colour for a room of my own.

…I dared to hope that things were changing.

…I got angry at yet another delay.

…I realized now wasn’t the time, that the time might never really come.

…I set in motion a dream.

… I realized that my words are my power…

and then I fell down a flight of stairs… banged my butt and hip and shoulder down EVERY step…

Tomorrow is gonna hurt