… the newly painted green of my bedroom.

…the warmth of a kitty cat

…circles, spirals, dots, swirls

…greens, blues, indigos

…brown eyed susans on the side of the highway.

…calla lilies, roses, lilacs

…aurora borealis shining overhead at night

… being held by one who cares

…holding my children in my arms

…having a home of my own

…being part of a family, even a broken one.

…travelling, something I NEVER thought I would love when I was younger (and more naïve).

…baking and cooking (just not doing the dishes).

…trying new foods (as long as they are fish and peanut free)

…arts and crafts

…frogs

…taking pictures

… creating art

I have been doing a lot of thinking of what things I love to do, as I am still on an exquisite exploration of my me-ness. Part of this has been looking at things that I enjoy, that feed my soul, and incorporating things I love into my life to make things feel fuller. It’s something that I have regretted not spending time on in my past, because I often did the “womanly” thing and put the needs of others before myself… and I lost a lot of time learning what I do and do not like/enjoy by ignoring myself.

While I am not exactly SINGLE anymore (I am in a committed non-live in relationship) I do not want to walk down that path again, which is exactly why I am trying to use this time in my life to find out exactly what I want, like, and NEED for myself outside of my relationships with any other people.  Too soon life changes and I might not get the time or have the ability to explore or have alone time like I do now.  I don’t want to wait forever to try new things, especially knowing that my partner is NOT at all interested in trying new things with me.

While I love Reg very much, I just can’t see him being willing to take a trip somewhere new, go to an opera or ballet, take a class with me, or try a new kind of food… he just wouldn’t do it and I know from experience that there isn’t a point in pulling someone along to things they seriously do NOT want to try… it’s about as pleasant as taking a cat for a walk.

So… part of my process is trying things out on my own, for me. Not needing another person to be with me, to share things with me (although, yes, it is much more fun when you get to have an adventure with someone you love). It’s part of my process of being SINGLE (because I am not married to him, even if I am committed to seeing if this is what we both want out of life) and finding the places I can compromise my yearning for new, adventurous things with the idea of having a life partner who is there for me for the long haul, everyday type events that are truly important.

I don’t know if I will marry again, or cohabitate with anyone… that’s the future and one that’s too uncertain to speculate on.  I am planning my life for ME… and if someone else fits into it on the way that’s great (I know that my kids fit into it already, since they are part of my whole life)… but if they don’t I’m no longer going to be the kind of girl who gives up everything she is and dulls down her existence because of a man…

Never again…

So, while I have time to decide the path I want to take I am doing all I can to enjoy my life. If that means having a glass of wine with dinner, so be it (Reg is a complete teetotaler) even if my SO doesn’t share the pleasure. If I want to go out and try something new, I am willing to invite my S.O along, but I am not longer willing to forgo things just because they don’t WANT to come along for the ride.  I will no longer allow someone else tell me I CANNOT do something just because they do not want to do it…

So I have decided that I am going to try and implement a plan of action for my life:

• Take at least one class a year to learn something I love
  • Last year it was Irish dance, this year I will continue with Irish dance and if I can afford it I will take Tae Kwon Do with my son as well
  • Take myself on at least one small trip every year (within reason)
  • Save at least $100 a month into a savings account
    • By cutting cable back to basic or tier 1, my internet phone to basic, and my internet to high speed light and managing my cell plan better
    • Taking lunches instead of buying lunches for work
    • Cutting down grocery costs
    • Cutting energy costs  as much as possible (running only full loads of laundry, changing to energy efficient lights, unplugging things that are not critical when not in use)
    • Pay down my debts within 2 years (mortgage excluded J)
      • All GST, bonuses and tax refunds go to pay down debt
      • No incurring new debts
      • Pay off credit cards and consolidating into the line of credit which has a significantly lower interest
      • Move towards super secret plans J

In the mean time I will EXPERIENCE my life more…

Any tips/hints/suggestions to doing that? What do you do to EXPERIENCE life fully?

… I worked to get my IM working, only to be told that the issue wasn’t with any of the friends on my contact lists.

… I reconnected my email accounts.

… I cried

… I realized that as much as it hurt, it was necessary to let it go.

… I left the lawyer another message.

…I decided to travel even if I had to go alone.

… I wanted to bitchslap someone.

… I wanted a change of scenery.

… I finished my book and realized Ididn’t have another.

… I realized that I didn’t have to forgive and forget, because that is not necessarily a moral “good” in my world.

…I delighted in the colour of my room.

Today…

…I yawned so hard I hurt my jaw.

… I spent 30 minutes arguing with the printer over whether or not there actually WAS a paper jam (there wasn’t, its evil).

…I decided to look into travel plans despite setbacks.

… I asked a friend forgiveness knowing that sometimes things can’t be repaired.

…I made alternate arrangements.

… I wondered at the douchery that is my ex-husband (again).

… I acted as secretary for the ex.

…I lost my patience with the lawyer (again) and am considering just settling the matter once and for all.

… I spent some time thinking about connections.

Tomorrow…

… I will decide if I want to move forward from here.

… I will broach the subject of travel.

…I will look into my heart and see if I want to forgive someone.

… I will realize that you can never go back, only forward.

…I will hope

…I will spend time being quiet

…I will no longer wait to hear your voice.

… I will make plans of my own with no conditions.

So… this week’s theme seems to be a recurrence of last week – pain. Last week I fell down 12 stairs and did myself some injury… I seemed not to have learned the lesson from last week, cuz the hurting myself thing seems to have replayed itself THIS week.

Like a broken record. I wonder what I’m not seeing.

The BIG BAG of GAH and FUCK ME moments:

This week was just a big clusterfuck from beginning to end, let me tell you. Between computer issues at home and renovation issues at work I didn’t have much time last week to get online and clear up a few things… and that really made things WORSE.

1. PAIN
   After I fell down the stairs last week I thought I was lucky enough to have escaped with just bruised hind quarters… and possibly a bit of bruising on and down my leg.  While my posterior has seen great improvements (and a rainbow of colours) in the last week, the intense knot of pain in my lower back, just above my pelvic bone/spine connecting spot (sorry, I have NO freaking idea how to explain this) will not go away. I have tried hot and cold and rubs and tylenol and advil and soaks and stretching and sleeping and OTC things… but nothing.  The healthline number I called stated that it was most likely that I caused a bit of damage when I fell last Wednesday, likely because I tensed up as it happened, and I can either try massage or go to a chiropractor… for now I’m unimpressed.  This back pain has made it difficult for me to sleep comfortably OR sit in front of a computer – so I haven’t been online much this week when I’m not at work.

1. MISSUNDERSTANDING
   I should really say misunderstanding-S because this week has been NOTHING but missing the intentions — obviously the missed stair that led me to fall down is was only ONE missed action and intention. I’ve been missing phone calls, missing connections, and miss using words/terms all week, leading to an inevitable fuck up all over. Not the least of which lead the person I consider to be my best friend to lambast me (and rightly so) for not correctly conveying frustration when trying to understand something he apparently had no interest in discussing with me. The conversation ended with what, could best be described as him slamming the phone down and stomping away. Only less loud.  And while I regret the way things were worded, and I have been considering my emotions on the matter, I don’t know how to concretely resolve the issue or if there is something inherently broken that is beyond repair. I can say I’m sorry, because I am, but I cannot debase myself and beg for forgiveness because the debasing is the basic issue that has been causing the hurt in the first place.

1. ENNUI
   I’m feeling the need to change and change my scenery. A few months ago I had started making plans to visit my best friend but cancelled it because I wasn’t sure, yet. I wasn’t sure if I wanted to take a chance to sit with him and talk to him in person, I was afraid of the person I was becoming and what I was feeling — how things were changing with his love life and my love life and no idea if I’d be welcome – and now I regret letting things get in my way because it might be too late. Not too late to visit the city, but too late to consider taking that chance, making the leap of faith… I realize I need the time away from my work and home and kids to stretch my independence.

The goodies

While giant piles of clusterfucky horrendousness are not great, I have had some interesting and good things happen as well.

1. REALIZATIONS
   Whether they were comfortable or not, I have realized a few things that I needed to face in my internal life. The pain of learning sucks, but there is relief as well.
2. COLOUR
   After living in my house for 3 or 4 months, I finally am getting around to painting MY bedroom, in the first step in making my bedroom into a sanctuary for me and my soul.
3. FRIENDs
   While I have to accept that I am estranged (at best) from my (best) friend for the foreseeable future, I have been able to connect with my other best friend from afar. She was the Maid Of Honour at my wedding, and my friend from grade 5 on… while our friendship isn’t as close as it was before I married and had children (partly because she lives in another country I have not been able to visit) her current settling down (in another country) to have a child of her own is likely to make it so that we aren’t so far apart in life experiences anymore. Having the chance to go out for supper with her and just talk was great, and eased my mood regarding the estrangement with my other best friend.
4. PLANS
   I have decided that although my original trip was cancelled I will find another time to take the trip anyway… by myself. While I enjoy spending time with Reg, I don’t know if I want to wait forever to go exploring, and so I am considering just making my plans to go East somewhere and go alone out into the world. I don’t have to fear it anymore, I’m a big girl. If I want to go to an opera or see the ocean I should be able to do that… even for an extended weekend.

Even though my Zentangle class was cancelled (although according to her blog she had the class, she just told me she didn’t… hmmm) I think I will start looking into more of these small creative workshops and classes and things around the city.

5. OFFLINE
While I certainly enjoy keeping in touch with a wide variety of people online, the last 2 weeks – with computer issue and pain issues keeping me down for the count – I have been spending a lot more time than usual by myself not online. I have realized things that I want to do, and things that I have missed doing, and am starting to work towards the unclaimed goals I left behind years ago. I love my online life, but I don’t want to ONLY have an online life… I want to EXPLORE…

So… there you have it…

The good… the bad… the bad that warped into good… and hopefully the good that will transform the bad…

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…upset about being “called out” in a situation where I have tried my best to be accommodating and adaptive and undemanding, but which I really should have been able to be a bit upset about the way things went.

…PAIN shooting from my knee to my shoulder

…a huge bruise darkening and spreading under the skin of my left hip.

…uncertainty about the future

…worry that plans I want to put into place will be shot down tomorrow

… Disappointment in the lack of direct communication

… sadness in being replaced so quickly, completely, and silently

…frustration with not being able to talk to you

…concern with not being able to get this dealt with even after an entire YEAR

… exhaustion at the thought of dealing with all of you

…love that you’d take the time to help me so much on your time off

…wish that I could make everything magical and fun, but keep finding that I am lacking the energy by the time I get home to you

…dread because the confrontation is coming soon

… hurt… just so so hurt by you…

… I watched the sky cloud up and worried the rain would come again

…I watched the sun break through and hoped things would be okay again

…I emailed my lawyer’s boss, wondering if my lawyer had quit working for them or why he never so much as responded “got the info” the three times I sent it to him

…I wandered through my office and watched the remodel, not being able to consistently work at my station

…I loved the idea of running off somewhere for a vacation this summer

… I listened to the quiet hum of the water cooler/heater in the office after everyone left.

…I thought of writing, started, deleted, and started again

…I allowed myself a brief moment of hope for my future – for a family and partner (even with discipline issues) for love, and for companionship – without fear that I wasn’t good enough for that.

…I thought of packing up the painful stuff and sending it off.

…I wondered why she didn’t tell me they wanted to go on vacation or that she didn’t think she wanted to take care of my kids anymore, leaving me in a lurch with no warning scrambling for a summer schedule.

…I wondered if I would visit with her this summer before she went away again.

…I dreamed of space.

…I picked out the colour for a room of my own.

…I dared to hope that things were changing.

…I got angry at yet another delay.

…I realized now wasn’t the time, that the time might never really come.

…I set in motion a dream.

… I realized that my words are my power…

and then I fell down a flight of stairs… banged my butt and hip and shoulder down EVERY step…

Tomorrow is gonna hurt

You see… I wasn’t raised to believe that girls had any real power. Girls were supposed to be delicate, fragile, powerless creatures. We were things protected by the fierceness of our fathers, our brothers, our boyfriends, our husbands… without all these wonderful POWERFUL males to encompass our soft fragility we would be nothing.

What a load of BULLSHIT.

Yet, for YEARS I didn’t question this notion of male power. It was taken for granted, in my upbringing, that I would follow the Path that my family wanted for me – I would dutifully get my high school education, go to university and get a suitable degree in a nice cushy area of generalized “Arts and Sciences”, find a suitable man from a good, upstanding family, marry, have children and go on to continue the lines.  In my early years my grandmothers taught me the “womanly arts” – knitting, sewing, baking, cooking, gardening, cleaning, needlework – and the ways of female society. I hated it.

I was dragged to church to learn obedience and faith. I was dragged to learn to fear the male POWER that the Christian God represented and to learn (apparently) that this same power resided in not only the ministers of God, but all males — and that someday, if I was “good enough” I would be lorded over by a husband who would have ultimate say over me.

GAG ME.

Early on in my career as a woman (pretty much right after menarche) I rejected Christianity and the ideal of a Patriarchal God-Being that preferred men to women.  I out rightly denied the tenets of Christianity in my first attempt to “find myself” in my teens… and ultimately became a Wiccan.

You’d think that having rejected the God-Man-Power Triumph-ariate (yes, I made that word up) I would have awoken to my own powerful nature. But while I rejected the Male-God-Power-Over bullshit in favour of a more balanced Male-Female-Power-Sharing spiritual ideal I never quite made the mental leap to intimate relationships being equal partnerships…

In SPIRITUALITY I was willing to raise and celebrate my own power, yet I continued to life my mundane life as if my gender identity meant I needed to be cared for and protected and lorded over by the Godhead of a male figure. I continued in my social life, to believe that I needed to have a boyfriend and eventually a husband, to fulfill the female destiny and to take my place in society.

UTTER. FUCKING. BULL. SHIT.

What can I say, hindsight IS 20/20,what I can see standing on the fallout of 36 years of life shows me that I had the power all along, I was just afraid to use it. And what was more, that someone, somewhere KNEW that girls had power, and tried to teach the impressionable ones (like myself) that wanted to please, that in order to  have a place in the world they needed a MAN to hold them up.

So, here I sit… resting on the baggage of 36 years of experience on this earth, and what do I see clearly:

• Everyone, from my grandmothers to the school system to the formalized religious institutions, was AFRAID of the power that I held. Instead of teaching our girls to embrace their powerful natures as much as our boys, our culture seems to have tried to deny us the power.  Men hold power, women cower. Despite how far we have supposedly come, there are still people teaching their daughters to FEAR being FIERCE, SELF EMPOWERED PEOPLE, and I was one of those daughters!
• The abuse I suffered from theEx came about because, right from the beginning of the relationship, I handed him not only the right to use HIS power but MY power as well. I would never have accepted the “I am your husband, I have the RIGHT to make the final decisions” bullshit if I hadn’t BELIEVED he had in some ineffable, inalienable RIGHT given to him by virtue of his owning a fucking PENIS! This belief in this could be explained by virtue of upbringing and culture, but more than that I need to OWN the fact that I never once scrutinized these things or challenged the way they were.
• The best way for ME to change the world, is for me to change MY world. That means CHALLENGING the things I take for granted and NOT letting the world wash over me as “the way it is”.
• I can start now, challenge the way things are and find the way they work best FOR ME without it bringing down the whole of the fabric of society.
• And for THAT matter, the idea that we have to follow certain customs or norms in order to maintain this fabric of society? That’s another load of bullshit.

So… also looking back, things I wish that I had known these truths:

• Have a man if you want, but don’t be afraid to leave him.
• You have the right to change your mind, even in love.
• Divorce is not failure.
• No one has the right to abuse you physically, mentally, emotionally, verbally, financially or sexually.
• Protect your body from harm but if someone does you harm SPEAK UP and don’t be ashamed for THEIR actions.
• You don’t need to get married; you can choose to get married.
• Love is not something to be hoarded or something that only one group of people is allowed to celebrate.
• Babies are a blessing, not a curse. Don’t marry for the sake of children.
• Never quit learning, and don’t ever let anyone tell you learning something is a waste.

Now is the time for me to Challenge the status quo and come into my power…

I hope it’s not too late for me….

There are 3 things that I wish to nourish right now:

1. 1. Sovereignty – the quality of not caring what other people think of your YOUNESS. With my struggles of coming into my own, I want to nourish and nurture the blossoms of my sovereignty. I have had to make a few visceral decisions lately that are going to be hard for me to stand up for. They are right for me, in the way that leaving the abuse was right for me, and I need to own these decisions. I have a feeling that some people might not be necessarily happy with my decisions, but I know these decisions are right for MY life and MY path… even if no one understands or supports me.  I know what is right for me, and I am not going to accept criticism because my life doesn’t fit into someone else’s plan for me…
2. 2. My Voice – this goes along with the Sovereignty thing in a way. My voice is the way I express myself, and how I write. For the past year I have been pretty inundated with reading the kind of blogs that have one unifying thought – passion based entrepreneurship. I have been trying to focus myself and discover myself and find my passion and what my DESTINY is… blah blah blah blah…  What I really want, RIGHT NOW, is to find my voice again and not worry so much about how everyone else did that and made enough to not work 9-5 (hell, I work 8-5!! 9-5 would be SWEEET)… I want to nurture the emerging VOICE in my writing, and leave behind the WORRY of trying to pay my bills with my writing. I’m not there yet… and that’s okay. It’s EVEN okay if I never get THERE…
3. Friendships – Not unusually I am finding myself greatly lacking in friendships right now. I would like to cultivate more friendships, both online and off. I want to find people who are interested in friendship and which have common interests with me…

So that’s my wish for the week

The WILLOW

My concept of a willow was that of the obsequious “weeping willow” a droopy sad looking tree that fairly oozes the idea of self pity and “oh, woe is me”. I associate it with a WEAK, mopey, quality of self-reflection that gets one stuck in the “what’s wrong with me” thinking.  It was of a tree that was whipped about in the wind, never standing solid against the storms being thrown at me…

This is what the Celtic Tree Sign says about Willow:

“If you are a Willow sign, you are ruled by the moon, and so your personality holds hands with many of the mystical aspects of the lunar realm. This means you are highly creative, intuitive (highly psychic people are born under the sign of the Willow) and intelligent. You have a keen understanding of cycles, and you inherently know that every situation has a season. This gives you a realistic perspective of things, and also causes you to be more patient than most tree signs. With your intelligence comes a natural ability to retain knowledge and you often impress your company with the ability to expound on subjects from memory. Willow Celtic tree astrology signs are bursting with potential, but have a tendency to hold themselves back for fear of appearing flamboyant or overindulgent. It is your powers of perception that ultimately allow your true nature to shine, and what leads you to success in life.”

Maybe I’m wrong about the willow.

Have you ever seen a willow, truly SEEN one? A willow bends in the storm, the flexibility that allows it to adapt but not break. It sits on the edge of the marshy wetlands (the emotional aspect?) and thrives without drowning. Even the WEEPING willow, the sorrowful member of this tribe, can both reach for the sky and touch the ground!
_______________________________________________________________________________________

Recently I have been thinking of who I am… and what I am… I started this blog for the purpose of finding my voice and finding myself and finding my true strength.

For years I got caught up with what other people thought of me – I was caught in the reflective pool, gazing at myself and wondering why I wasn’t happy and how I could become what other people wanted me to be – and I never once even CONSIDERED doing something counter to that.

I graduated high school and immediately went to university. Was I ready? NO. But I went because it was what was expected of me. What did I WANT to do? I wanted to travel somewhere, but I felt that I wasn’t permitted by my upbringing (until I was 32 I never went ANYWHERE outside my city BY MYSELF) and so I did what I thought I should do.

I dated men that I knew were acceptable to my family – they had good earning potential and good family – and never considered anything other than the headlong trip into marriage. Was I ready? NO. Did I love the man I married? NO, but I was too afraid to say “no” to a proposal because that was what I was groomed to do, get married and have children. While I wanted children, I didn’t necessarily want the man I married.

Even leaving the abuse was hard because of the expectations surrounding the image of who I was… I was a wife, I was a mother, and to those outside my home, I had a good husband and a “good deal”. I was miserable. I felt that I had grown up too soon after university, been pushed to get a job when my kids were too young (therefore not getting to be the kind of mother I wanted to be) and leaving an abusive husband necessitated that I work more to provide for the kids and pay the lawyer to get divorced.

I should have been free to be who I wanted to be once I was free of the Ex’s bullshit, but I wasn’t. I lived with my parents, so I was careful to be what they felt was “good enough”. I lived under threat from theEx of him taking my children or cutting child support, so I played the role of “good girl”. I dated the person he accused me of leaving him for, because I might as well do the crime since I already paid for it!

Not once have I considered, first and formost, about what *I* wanted in my life.

Until recently, that is. I always worried more about what others would THINK if I did this or that or the other thing. Not how I would feel about myself, but what OTHER people would think or say, or god forbid, DO to me if I did what I wanted, said what I needed, or admitted to what I really wanted to do in my life…

That is absolute BULLSHIT.

I am a 36 year old woman. I have a job that pays my bills. I have a car that is paid off. I have very little debt. I have enough to make my bills. I have retirement savings. I know my limits. I know my rights now, and I know what the Ex can and cannot do to me if he disapproves of my life style.

I am an adult. I do NOT need anyone’s permission for the choices I make in my life. I do not have to cower (anymore) for not loving my husband, for fighting against him to have my daughter, for choosing to leave my marriage, for the mistakes I have made in the process of my divorce.

I do NOT need permission from anyone to live my life the way I want it. Not to save or spend, travel or stay, love or leave, hold or release… My life is for me and my kids and whomever I choose to share it with – not my ex husband, not my ex-stalker, not friends, not employer or coworkers, not my parents, not my extended family – and if people choose not to agree with the things I do, then that’s okay.

Maybe I am learning from Willow… before I saw willow’s ability to bend as a weakness… now I see that being able to adapt and change, to stay grounded and rooted while the storm has whipped about me, is a strength. I see the ability to live with emotions and not be overwhelmed, to reflect on the patterns and cycles in life as a BENEFIT and a BLESSING…

I know, now, that I can grow towards the sky while still staying in touch with the grounding emotions and intuition that allow me to grow to my full potential. More than being rooted to my past, I am able to draw on my awareness of the emotional side of things to soften my approach and allow me to bend and whip about without breaking.  I’m learning that what I thought was a weakness (my ability to feel and share my feelings with others) is really able to be a strength as I ground myself through my awareness of not only my foundation but my emotions.

Have you ever found your perceived weakness was really your truest strength?

* I no longer primarily identify myself as Wiccan. This is a new thing that I’m starting to explore, I still identify as Pagan, but no longer want to focus on being Wiccan.

What do you wish for your space?

Since I have just moved into my own home, and I have been trying to get things all set up. I have never really had a place that was MINE. I lived with my parents, I rented, and I lived with theEx, and I rented. This is the first place that I have lived that I do NOT need to ask permission to change things around.  And yet, I hesitate to make many changes… the only rooms that were modified were the kids’ rooms, and even putting my needlework on the wall was a big step.

The SPACE I wish to change right now is my bedroom.

Unlike my kids’ rooms, my room has remained virtually untouched. The walls are still builder beige, and there is very little in the room – my bed (futon), a small used dresser with altar on top, a plastic Rubbermaid storage tub (functioning as a nightstand), a dog carrier that I have to return… and basket  chair (functioning as cat sleeping quarters and hair repository).  There are a few things in the closet, a few things under the bed. A few things on the floor…  But for the most part it is dull and Spartan and very uninspiring.

Because  it is such a monumental undertaking, I can’t conceive of changing everything at once… in steps I would like to see:

COLOUR. I want to replace the builder beige/grey colour with a bright deep green colour. I want to accessorize with colour on my sheets.

BLINDS. Right now I have homemade blue curtains on my window. While I love the colour and pattern of the fabric, there isn’t enough light blocking to keep the place cool in the summer or dark enough to sleep until a decent hour (like, past 5am). I would like to put in something a bit more functional.

BOOK SHELVES. I read. I read a lot. I have some books in my living room, and a bunch still packed away in my basement. But I would like to have a space in my room where I could pull a book from the shelf and read in comfort. I would actually like to have books and knick knacks neatly displayed in my room – craft books, reading books, self-help/creativity books, and journals. I am not sure if I want them bracketed to the wall or a shelving unit put up.

CREATIVE SPACE. One of the big things I would like to have is a place that I can take out and do my creative endeavors – I have been attempting to do art journaling recently, but I also enjoy: journaling, writing, knitting, cross stitch, sewing and scrapbooking. Just to have a desk where I could have my laptop and a printer stored inside – so I can write, blog and print off pictures – but which I can sit down to write journal entries, collage, scrapbook, or create art, if I want to. Something that is a desk/table, but also incorporates computer storage and craft supply storage as well. A place to sit and do things without worrying that someone will come along and judge.

SPIRITUAL SPACE. While having an altar on the 1’ x 1.5’ space on top of the dresser is okay, I would like to have a better space, perhaps out of leap-line for the feline-canadians residing in my home, to remind me of my spirit.

MUSIC. I moved my music player to the kitchen, because I like to listen to music while I cook or clean or be all domesticated… but right now I only have the ONE and I don’t like carting it up and down the stairs… so I want  a music player to go in my room (preferably an iPod dock).

FURNITURE. If I wasn’t on a strict budget of “don’t buy anything which isn’t strictly ESSENTIAL” for a while,  I would actually have FURNITURE in my bedroom. While my futon, dresser, packing tub, and chair are functional they do not engender a feeling of comfort and care.  One of my goals is to get enough out of debt and enough saved up to get a REAL freaking bed, so that the futon can be returned to its life as  a couch and guest bed. I would like to have a dresser with a mirror to do my makeup in (when I have occasion to wear it) and matching set of nightstands with lamps to read by and a real alarm clock.  I would have a Queen sized bed with a nice mattress set and sturdy wooden frame (likely sleigh bed type) and matching dresser/armoire  and 2 nightstands. I would have lamps on both night stands, and house the iPod dock/ alarm clock music player on the stand closest to the door.  I want my bed to be a space where I can read, write, sleep, cuddle, and meditate.

I want to make space that reflects ME. I wish for a space that encompasses what I am and what I like and encourages me to grow. I wish for a space that lets me let down my guard. I want a space that is MINE for once in my life… where I can create or dance or sing or meditate in peace without disturbing  anyone else. I want a space that reflects the who I was, the who I am, and the who I will become…

So… this week’s question is:

What do you wish to have?

I notice, once I have written it down (or typed it out) that it isn’t “what do you wish you had?”… it’s not a regret, it’s not yearning, it’s looking forward to gaining something that isn’t there YET…

Profound

So what do I wish to HAVE?

1. Family.  I don’t feel particularly close to any of my family, and that’s something I don’t really know how to change.  Because I am not exactly the kind of woman my mother wanted in a daughter, I have not felt love and support growing up that fostered my innate desire to explore and take leaps of faith. While they aren’t necessarily bad, my family has not really been there for me through the worst of my divorce or after and I have ended up feeling completely abandoned.  I wish to have “family”, even not-biologically related people who stood in for family – a set of people that I felt I belonged with and who cared and supported me and whom I cared and supported, a set of people who I knew would not “I told you so” when I took risks that didn’t pan out.
2. Family (part 2). Ever since I left theEx I have felt a lack. I always wanted to be married and have children, and a part of me felt like leaving the marriage (even an abusive one) was giving up half of what I was and half of my dreams.  Since I only have joint custody, there are weeks I don’t get to see (or talk to) my children while they are with theEx, which stresses me more than the lack of life partner. It isn’t a “GOAL”, in that I don’t think that I would do anything JUST to remarry or cohabitate with someone else, but it’s something I do wish to have… someday. To have someone I love to be there at the end of the day, to raise children with someone as an equal and cared for part of a nuclear family… I wish to have a life partner and children.
3. Passion/Purpose.  I know that it’s out there… somewhere… but I have to find it. I know that there HAS to be something I am good at, good enough at something that I can make a career out of it, or good enough at something that it’s all I want to do. I’m just not sure what that is… yet. I want to have the peace of mind that comes with knowing why I am here…

What do YOU wish to have?

So here I will start again…

Things that just SUCKED ASS last week:

My Ex Husband

As per usual I got a lot of stress from my (now OFFICIALLY) Ex-Husband in the form of emails. While he doesn’t necessarily have the cahones to confront me in person, I often get email missives in which he basically threatens to financially destroy my life (or that his financial downfall, because of ME, will cause me financial destruction) if I don’t do what he wants me to do.

Currently he is freaking out about the child support that he owes for 2009 and what exactly constitutes “income”. The email read in such a way that if I don’t agree to his personal valuation of the situation he and his lawyer will argue that the originally AGREED TO amount of income, the amount in the officially signed and SEALED COURT ORDER, will be disputed by him and he will make me pay back whatever amount it was that he paid me in 2009.

Now, I am not sure I want to battle this out in court… I mean, if I battle it out what, really, will I win other than his “financial ruin” and a huge temper tantrum and MAYBE a max of $5000 in back support that I will have to have him garnished to actually ever see – An ulcer? Migraines?

I have to tell you that I am TIRED… DEAD TIRED… of having him think that because he has money and I don’t that he can decide everything for US. There is no “US” anymore. There is ME and there is HIM… and we share the kids ONLY because I can’t get a lawyer to seriously look at pursuing custody in my province.

Right now I am all for making him sweat because I am not answering his emails or bowing to his pressure to do things HIS way. I know for one that he can’t take back the original amount that was agreed upon in the court order of support because it was MUTALLY agreed on. But more than that, I have more immediate concerns in my life right now.

My Car

In the last few weeks my car hasn’t been running all that well, and, because I no longer have savings to draw on if something screws up, I have been avoiding taking it into a mechanic. I haven’t had positive experiences with mechanics, as a single woman, and I dread taking my car in on my own knowing that it means that I am at the mercy of someone who KNOWS they have me over a barrel. So I have been trying, unsuccessfully, to get my male coworkers to help me with finding a trustworthy mechanic to look my car over.

I have been worrying because something is wrong and I absolutely rely on my car. Without a car I can’t get to and from work (there is no public transportation to the town my job is in), getting groceries, picking up my kids, getting them to and from the babysitter/school…

Right now, I don’t have a safety net in my life … so I do for myself. But that means that if my car was incapacitated I don’t have help to get myself back in order easily. That’s a bit scary.

Noodle/Reg and his father changed out my spark plugs this weekend, and I got a coworker to change out the “ignition wires” and things are working a BIT better but a reported “clunk” sound that I can’t replicate, the fact that my “check engine” light is still on, and there seems to be some lingering hesitation when shifting has me concerned.  Just to have the “check engine” light off will cost me $60… with the potential of them finding a bevy of other faults with the vehicle that will cost me dearly…

 I can’t afford to spend TOO much fixing it, but I can’t afford to not have a car OR to get a new one right now. So the not knowing what is wrong has me worried.

My car is a much more IMMEDIATE need than dealing with theEx.

  The Good things

The BoyFriend

I have to confess that when I first agreed to try things again with Reg I was skeptical. The first go round ended silently, with sighs of relief and regret. But the 4 months break we had really seems to have clarified what direction I am going in my life – and what I want to work towards. I am seeing changes in my life – I have my own home, I’m making my own decisions for the first time in my life – and I like that, I don’t want to start living only for another person again.

At the same time, a good relationship, hope for the dream of a family life again someday (although not too soon), is something I want in my life as well.

I don’t want to jinx anything… I am well aware that this go-round is in the early stages, and I am aware that it was just about this time (~10 weeks)  into the first go-round that the sudden changes started to happen between Reg and I.  I am not deluded into believing (yet) that things might have permanently corrected themselves.  But I am hopeful at the way things are going… the communication is now there, we have discussed hopes, plans and dreams, we’ve gone on dates, and just focused talking and loving each other.

There is hope.

It’s been times and times and times better so far than it was before the break, which makes me believe that the break was necessary for any hope of this working out.

The Home

I love my home. Yes, the additional costs involved in home ownership (I have condo fees and property taxes on top of my mortgage payments) make it equal a bit more than I was paying at the other place… but I’m not paying as much in utilities and I don’t have the constant stress of bad neighbors, a bad neighborhood, sudden 20% increases in rent, or dealing with an absentee landlord.

Yes, it does mean I have to be a lot more frugal, that’s for sure. I have a goal of consolidating the remainder of my debt and getting out of debt within the next 2 years so I can get some things I really want – a real bed (with mattress) and dresser for myself, a couch for my living room, finishing my basement (potentially into a spare bedroom/rumpus room). 

This summer I think I will be cutting back my cable and internet to basics (high speed light internet, basic cable) and potentially getting rid of my VoIP home phone as well… I need to find room in my budget to get myself some new clothes and allow myself the freedom to do activities (yoga, Nia, Tae Kwon Do) without grinding into debt to do it. I am tired of constantly worrying about expenses while wasting money on things I don’t need/use or overspending on things that I don’t really need. I am going to have to decide what it is that my kids will be involved in during the summer – theEx wants all sorts of things to be half paid for by me knowing I can’t afford as much as him— while balancing family outings and my own summer travels.

I need to learn to budget and organize and be MINDFUL and PRESENT with things – buy less foods that will be wasted, smaller meals, cheaper meals, bulk buying and doing once a month cooking/freezer stocking (OAMC). I have cut back on spending on myself, on meals out, and on unnecessary things for the kids and house and am working on being happy with what we do have.

Having my own place is just so much better than renting ever was, and I am glad for that. So greatful that I am going to make sure I keep moving forward and making things better all the time.

Dance

This year I took the plunge and did something I have wanted to do for a VERY long time… I enrolled in an adult beginner Irish Dance class. While I haven’t done any dance for over 20 years (the last class I took I was 15) this was something I wanted to do and I did it.

We’re embarking on our 2010 recital (Friday, June 11 in Saskatoon… be there (laugh)) and I’m pretty excited. Girl Child’s beginner class will be performing that night as well… so it’s a family affair.  I hope that at least my parents will come this time, if only for GirlChild…  I’d like to get a picture of us together in our dance uniforms.

If at all possible I want to continue taking Irish dance next year. Heck, I gotta at least PERFECT one of the beginner jigs

• Light jig (almost!)
• Single jig (halfway?)
• Slip jig (hahahaha)

So what were your sucktastic and great things last week?

The relationship with theEx was abusive. Verbally and emotionally theEx would use guilt and threats to subdue me and make me feel as small and unimportant as he could. Whenever I tried to create a boundary he would push through and stomp out my efforts. While most people would think that it would be easier to get away from someone who was “just” emotionally and verbally abusive than someone who hit you that’s not true.

 The was weakened boundaries for myself. Since standing up for myself, making my own decisions and trusting MYSELF were often triggers for abuse from theEx (because control was important to him) I avoided those behaviours. He could control me, and he wanted to keep that control, and anything the questioned his control/authority caused him to REMIND me who “kept” me (same with the Stalker) using care and money as a reason and induce feelings that I would have to stay.

When I broke loose and started looking at things clearly for the first time it was pretty obvious to me that I needed to decide FOR ME what was and was not acceptable. I needed to have boundaries so I could become the person I was meant to be.

I Needed to Build a Sanctuary of ME

I had to come to a place in my life where I felt safe to explore myself.

That might sound strange to some people, but the effort of avoiding negative emotions from things around me had stopped me from really finding out who I was. I hadn’t had space of my own, previously, where I felt I was free to unfurl my wings…

The first thing I did was to realize that I needed both PHYSICAL and EMOTIONAL space I needed time to make my home my OWN space. I wanted to sleep by myself, I wanted to do my own podcast by myself, I wanted to worship alone, I wanted to cook for myself, I wanted to parent my children alone, I wanted to watch tv, do needlework, read, write, blog, bathe…I wanted to taste life and EXPERIENCE things without having to please someone else or SHARE every single experience with someone.

I (started to) disentangle myself from a toxic relationship. Some of the elements of control and guilt and verbal abuse that I experienced in past relationships were violently waving red flags:

• being made to feel “selfish” or guilty via email for not agreeing to what the other wanted
• being made to feel pressured to share/hide my spirituality
• finding “gifts” on my doorstep intended to woo/buy/guilt me into response
• text messages/emails threatening me if I didn’t respond immediately
• attacks for my blog/diary/journals

While it was hard to leave theEx, realizing that the Stalker was just as bad wasn’t as hard. Part of realizing what I wanted in my life necessitated cutting out what I didn’t want, no matter what the other person wanted. Realizing that things were heading down a road I no longer wanted to walk, I choose to walk away. Saying that, the cutting of ties was harder than just saying that I was done. All told, I had to screen email, change locks, change my phone number and resist reacting to the threats, pleas, angry outbursts, drunk texts/calls, and viscious attacks on my blog for 6 months before I felt I could let down my guard and feel SAFE again.

 I went through a massive decluttering. I threw away/recycled/donated/gifted items that were in my home that no longer spoke of who I was. I was no longer Mrs. TheEx, after all. I was no longer bound by his rules for asthetic and status objects!

 I made room in my space for ME. I cleaned. I reflected. I enjoyed. I created sacred space for myself to shine through.

I modified my living arrangements to fit my lifestyle. The biggest thing I did was stop renting and make the jump to purchasing my own townhouse. Yes, I gave up savings, but it gave me a way out of an insecure and increasingly unlivable situation with my upstairs neighbors and a deadbeat landlord. Which lead to…

 Making lifestyle changes to fit the person I was becoming. For the first time in my life I started to really think about what I wanted my life too look like — present, near future, distant future — and I started to create a plan to get there. That meant having to make hard decisions in my life– what things I valued the most, what financial goals I wanted to meet, what interpersonal goals I wanted, what kind of relationship did I want to have with my family/kids/friends/partner/self — and start to make the necessary changes.

Setting Boundaries

Building the boundaries (for me) was a process of getting to a space and time when I was able to be secure enough in my environment to start working not just to survive but to thrive as a person. Realizing, for the first time, that my life didn’t need to be lived to please or appease another person, that I could make my own decisions without having to justify or ask permission, was a truly NEW experience for me.

I feel like a new person.

I have started to change my relationship with my (now finally truely EX) ex-husband. I would like to say that I have become an expert on setting boundaries with him and maintaining them. I would be lying if I told you that.

Like all people who are used to getting their own way, setting boundaries with theEx has had the unfortunate effect of causing theEx to… well… to throw “temper tantrums” and exhibit bullying, abusive behaviour. And, just as his past behaviour would scare me into bowing to his demands or appeasing him, I have often felt the express “need” to give in to his demands, felt guilty, felt like a shitty mother, worried about my abilities to “make it”, and accepted blame for actions that were not MINE.

I have sometimes FAILED to stand up to him and defend my boundaries. I have continually taken on responsibility for his feelings, his reactions, and his needs, at the detriment of my OWN feelings, needs, or rights. Little by little I am unpacking the words he uses, the feelings that are evoked, and what my rights REALLY are. Little by little I am building stronger boundaries with him. Little by little I am gaining personal space and letting go of the fears that gave him control over me in the past.

I am standing firm.

 My relationship with theEx has to change. And that means that his role in my life has to change:

• I will no longer be afraid of him, since he no longer holds any power over me. While I was married to him I was economically tied to him (and his spending habits), but now I am financially free from his BS. The most he can threaten to do is take me to court for not “cooperating” with him the way he wants me to… and at the worst they will charge me money and uphold the status quo because I am a good parent (albeit strict) and a healthy person
• I will no longer accept responsibility for his financial fuckery. It is a well known fact amoungst the people who know theEx that he spends money faster than he earns it. But his spending now has nothing to do with me. NOTHING. His legal expenses are his problem and I am not going to remediate his costs (I can’t trust him enough to deal with him without legal assistance) or negotiate to keep his costs low at my expense. His child support payments are the MINIMUM required by the courts… I have never asked for more than was legally owed.
• I will no longer allow the guilt or blame. I realize that theEx exercised control over me by making me feel “not good enough” because it made him more secure knowing that I was insecure, and the easiest way to make me insecure was to make me question if I was being good enough by making me feel guilt for something I haven’t done or blame for something I supposedly HAD done.
• I will no longer accept control from outside me. I will no longer worry about meeting arbitrary demands and deadlines. Since there is nothing he can really do to me if I fail to live up to his expectations, I will make the conscious effort to put a stop to his expectation that I will drop everythign to answer his calls or respond to his emails immediately. Unless someone is sick, injured or dying there is no reason he should expect me to jump to respond to his demands. Again, he has nothing he can do, other than throw a temper tantrum.
• I will not allow him to corner me. I will not enter his home, I will not invite him into mine. We have no real reason to socialize together, and I have nothing I want to “talk” to him about that desperately, and its usually a code for wanting to pressure me into some sort of clandestine agreement when HE says it…

I imagine my personal sanctuary being fortified by my “rules” — I build a door by not letting him have power over me, I create a peephole when I view but don’t respond to his “urgency” via phone or email, I create myself a piggy bank when I control only MY spending issues and stop enabling his, I create a fence when I keep him out of my home, and I create a MOAT (full of karmasharks) when I take away his power to use guilt and blame…

What do you see when you create boundaries to keep toxic people out of your life?

It’s hard to talk about things, even here, because I know that my words will be judged.  I appreciate people READING/Listening to my words, but there are some times when I do not necessarily need the FEEDBACK on my decisions, just the support that I am doing things the way I need to do them.

That being said… I have things that I want to get off my mind that don’t necessarily need the judgment of minds outside me (although support is okay, I don’t necessarily need “shoes” thrown (to use a Havi-Brook-ism) right now)…

1. Divorce

Amazingly enough, the order of divorce has FINALLY been signed by a judge, meaning that I will legally be no longer married (according to the Government of Canada) 31 days from that date. For those keeping track, the divorce judgment was issued April 15, 2010, and so I will be legally divorced as of May 16, 2010.

I don’t know how to feel about it.  My emotions are all over the place with the finality of the ending of my marriage.  I am:

• Relieved that this part is over
• Frustrated with the way things were handled
• Upset that I failed
• Happy that I made it through, relatively unscathed
• Annoyed that theEx continues to try and muddy the issues and play games with support
• Intimidated by theEx with regards to his constant badgering me to see how he’s the one presenting things “fairly” while I am being greedy
• Disappointment with the “death” of a life I wanted – married with kids and a home
• Realization that I am better off (emotionally, spiritually, financially, physically, socially) without theEx
• Unsure
• Self-loathing because I feel that he might be right in labeling me “greedy” for asking the lawyers to review the support documents rather than (yet again) agreeing with what he wants and sees as “fair”
• Proud of standing up to him and his bullying
• Afraid of the debt from enforcing my child support order
• Disappointed in theEx for trying to bully me out of support for our kids, when he makes THREE TIMES what I do
• Afraid. Afraid that I have been wrong. Afraid that the ex is right and that my asserting my NOW COURT GIVEN RIGHTS is “greedy” or “selfish” or will cause issues later on
• Virtuous. I did things right. I didn’t play dirty. I got out without bankrupting myself, and I asked for LESS THAN I was due from theEx and STILL made it through.
• ANGRY that even though I make 50-75% LESS than theEx he feels the need to constantly tell me that he can’t “live” on what he earns if he is required to pay support
• Guilt that he is “struggling” and feels that it is MY fault that he isn’t able to make his ends meet
• Frustration that I feel angry and guilty and a bit superior to him when he could definitely live within his means, rather than try to force me to give in and let him pay less and less…

2. CHILD SUPPORT ISSUE

There is a question of outstanding child support for 2009 on the table.  It shouldn’t be a shock to him, but he is trying to control the situation outside of talking to the lawyers. This is simply something he is struggling with, and getting DESPERATE trying to get me to agree with his interpretation of “fair”.

Most conversations go like this:

X: I had to wait to file taxes. I needed to be sure I had the money.

Me: I just need the forms.

X: I will get the forms when they come. But you DO see how it is unfair to have my income viewed at $X this year? They are counting it TWICE!! That’s not fair.

Me: I am not going to offer an opinion on that right now.

X: but it isn’t FAIR! 

Me: I do not know the tax and support laws/guides for this. Ask your lawyer, she’ll know.

X: But she charges me for every 2 min phone call! I can’t AFFORD that! But you can SEE its not fair this way! I can TELL Lawyer that my income is $Y and your income as $T and she will tell us what should have been paid.

Me: I am not agreeing or disagreeing. I don’t know the rules and I do not feel comfortable agreeing with you on this.

X:You’re being GREEDY!!! I have to live too you know…(much blah blah whining and email abuse about how I’m ruining him inserted here)

The funny part of this is that theEx makes THREE times what I make in a year. THREE TIMES. I don’t feel sorry for him. I don’t AGREE with him. I don’t DISAGREE with him, for the record.

I agreed to have it reviewed and dealt with… by SOMEONE ELSE, someone NOT theEx, someone who KNOWS about these things, is to look at both sets of documents and give us the answer…

I want to be protected.

3. LOVE LIFE

I haven’t wanted to write about this because I had enough of the negative reactions from people when I mentioned that I had been contacted by the Noodle.   And even worse when I mentioned that I RESPONDED to him

I got reactions that ranged from supportive but cautious to outright hostile about the Noodle. While I respect that things did not necessarily go very well between the Noodle and I, the ending was pretty much a letting go and stepping back away, not a blow out fight.  Responding to the message on FaceBook, then chatting on MSN, and talking on the phone??? Those were 100% my choices to make and didn’t affect anyone other than me and my children, and, those people are MY responsibility and no one else’s.

While there was perhaps a grain of trying to protect me from hurt, the vehemence of the proclamation that even talking to the Noodle again was “stupid” and that he was just going to “use” me again was a little disconcerting to me. Yes, the relationship went off the rails pretty early on – mostly due to lack of communication, stress of divorces (both of us were completing divorce processes), and child rearing pressures … but in the end only I know what I want and do not want in my life…

I wrote truly about the previous part of the relationship. The last day I saw him was January 1. The last time I talked to him was January 5 when I called to wish him a happy birthday. We drifted apart via MSN on January 12, and he had made it clear that he just hadn’t been interested in fighting for a future.

So I was shocked to hear from him 3 weeks ago. At first I wasn’t entirely sure what he wanted, but I was willing to listen, I was open to at least a friendship. I wasn’t about to pretend that nothing happened, I wasn’t able to just ignore the fact that I had felt very isolated and alone and unwanted in the relationship for most of the time we were “together”. I couldn’t ignore the things I had done wrong, but I couldn’t brush aside the lack of willingness to care and nurture a relationship on his side either.

In the end I decided, FOR MYSELF, to give the relationship another shot. There are changes in the way things are going to go – I am not hosting weekends at my place, we’re not getting the kids together yet, the focus (whether anyone else agrees or not) is on the Noodle and I (not on our lives as single parents) and we’re communicating regularly. And even though people would rather I just stay single and focus only on my kids and my cats, I know that my life path isn’t necessarily going to follow the “approved” path that everyone ELSE wants for me…

So… there you have it: My divorce has been signed and I will be officially, legally single again as of May 16^th, I am still avoiding agreeing with theEx on back support issues, and I am once again dating the Noodle…

Any questions???

Not sure how to proceed with things, what to say, what to keep to myself. I remind myself, a personal mantra, that I have a right to keep things to myself until I am ready to let them go into the world. I have the right to my silences. I have the right to sit in contemplation. I have the right to make space my own.

The month’s theme seems to be creating my own space.  I have been working towards the internal and external aspects of making my life my OWN. I have been examining my clutter – physical objects, emotional baggage, social expectations, mental patterns, spiritual concepts – and trying to let go of the things that are holding me back from a more authentic life. It has been about taking stock and making plans and examining dreams and revising what the worldspace I have created for myself.

My life is about making ME happy. For years and years and years I have been led to believe that it was selfish of me to live my life to make me happy. No, I was put on this earth to serve a PURPOSE. That PURPOSE was intimately related to this amorphous god-type being in the sky. The messages I got were that I was to grow up to complete school, get a husband, have kids, be a housewife, mother, keep a house, cook, clean… and likely work full time outside of the house on top of it all. I was to give up the “foolish” things that I loved that wouldn’t fit into the world I was being told to want — I was supposed to WANT a man who could “take care of me”, 2 kids, to spend all day being someone’s assistant and all night taking care of my family… I wasn’t supposed to work on MYSELF because the message that I got was that I wasn’t as important as the roles I was to play.

I WAS MISERABLE.

And I don’t want to be that way anymore.

Yes, the roles I play are important, but they aren’t more important than me being HAPPY. It is important to be a good parent, but can a miserably unhappy or tuned out parent be a truly GOOD parent? Yes, its great to be a good employee, but how productive am I when I am unhappy at work? What kind of friend am I if I am depressed or stressed or worried or if I simply do not know how I feel about things?

I am still unpacking the contents of my soul, looking at the things that make me happy.  It’s a personal process, not really one that is easily shared. I pull something out… examine it, try it on for size, adjust it, and move around looking at how it fits me – not only the ME I am now but the ME I am becoming the ME I want to become – and I don’t really WANT to be influenced by another’s perception of what is right for ME no matter how much they care about me.  It’s been slow going mostly because I haven’t had enough pieces of time to spend alone – sometimes I have the kids, sometimes I have social obligations, sometimes I have family obligations, sometimes friends want time, sometimes I don’t feel ready – and so I have been putting things off.

And so I am going through the focus on me, rather than focusing on what makes someone else (whether that someone else is theEx, the kids, a friend, a man, family, work… ) happy.

It’s hard to go against my internal grain, though and it has been a process of one step forward and 2 steps back.

In January I decided to make changes and live for myself.  I had made a huge, TERRIFYING, set of leaps to change my life. I paid off debt and got a mortgage for my own home.  At the same time I became single, which also helped me focus more on my finances (I no longer hosted extra people in my home every weekend, I no longer had to make long distance phone calls, I no longer had to have a fancy cable package, I no longer bought movies). I took the opportunity to try and change some of the situation that had made me miserable, I started deciding how to make my life the way I wanted, not the way someone else wanted for me.

I’m sticking to it. Even with things changing (aren’t they always?) I am standing firm on making my life and my home MINE… its an affirmation of what I want, and my promise to myself to discover what it is that I want for me.  

It’s NOT selfish to make your life YOURS… and to follow your dreams.