Frozen Nowhere

Alone or Lonely: Why Being ALONE doesn’t make me LONELY

Pam — Sun, 07 Mar 2010 03:58:45 +0000

I try to live my life in the open… mostly.

I try to be open to myself, open to the world, open to people. I try not to hide who I am here.

But I still have been having a very difficult time getting to know other people in my real life. In the past I have often felt very disconnected, cut off, unwanted, unloved, and unworthy. In short, I often felt LONELY.

Loneliness is not necessarily being ALONE

In the past I believed (wrongly) that my worth as a woman was determined by my ability to get a man. When I was with someone I gave up everything I was to try and be who that person wanted, whether that was “me” or…

Dealing

Pam — Thu, 04 Mar 2010 22:24:10 +0000

Some days it just feels like I am not fully equip to live in normal society. There are a LOT of days where I feel IMMENSE and IMMEASUREABLE (although, let’s admit it I still TRY to measure it, I measure everything) guilt over the decisions I made in the past few years – right OR wrong – and how horribly I have “broken” things.

Every SINGLE day I deal with a litany of complaints from ALL arenas about my children. Either theEx is complaining because of expenses associated with the children or having to deal with some issue with that the kids are having, or it’s GirlChild’s teacher complaining about how GirlChild BEHAVES. And a lot of the issues are placed…

WOOHOO… I OWN this!

Pam — Thu, 04 Mar 2010 17:52:18 +0000

IMG_0326

Originally uploaded by Moonslark

Okay… so I am not the best at taking pictures of things, but this is a picture of my new living room…
It looks REALLY REALLY boring in this picture… I haven’t gotten around to putting things on the walls yet, and due to time and labour constraints during the move, I didn’t get to paint the walls.

It’s really a MUCH bigger space than it looks… but with 2 love seats in the space I needed to provide seating space, ability to watch TV, and also the option of being social… the room seems “cut”. I’m sure that in time I will find yet another way to arrange things, put up photos and do the walls… for…

Big Changes

Pam — Tue, 02 Mar 2010 21:14:57 +0000

Big Changes

It’s been over 3 weeks (maybe more) since I wrote here, but it feels like a lifetime.

In three weeks I have packed up my entire life and moved it all over to the place I now OWN. I have been 100% responsible for making decisions of where to put things, what to decorate with, and what I want in my own house. I spent 5 precious days with Sunil sharing my city and celebrating how far I have come. I have decluttered, unpacked, donated, tossed out, and recycled my possessions. I have started the process of learning who *I* am…

For the FIRST time in my life I have been the person in control of my surroundings. I don’t have a…

Another day, another chicken

Pam — Fri, 05 Feb 2010 18:22:10 +0000

I missed doing a Check-in last week because, well… things were crazy (and I was crazy exhausted because my neighbors woke me up SUPER early (4am) and I wasn’t well (UTI))… anyway here I am again…

The Bad Stuff

Still Exhausted

Just plain exhausted. It seems that no matter how early I go to bed at night (I try to be in bed by 10pm, which is “early” since I get home from whatever activity I had that night at 8:30pm or 9:30pm and then I usually need to wash dishes and sweep floors and do some housekeeping) I don’t seem to be able to get a RESTFUL sleep. With my anxiety over everything right now, and worrying that at any minute something…

Overwhelm

Pam — Thu, 04 Feb 2010 18:06:23 +0000

This is the story of how I am feeling right now…

I am overwhelmed right now.

I feel like I can’t possibly get it all done, I don’t have the tools (as in power tools and implements) to get things fixed and take things apart and just making sure things are the way they need to be for me to get them OUT of the house. I need to take apart both beds that the kids are in now – which were put together with electric drills. I need to take apart the futon I sleep on to get it out of my room. I need to take apart the desk in my room. I need to touch up paint. I need…

Count down and where the hell did the time go?

Pam — Tue, 02 Feb 2010 20:37:54 +0000

I am starting to panic

No, seriously, I’m not sure if I can “get ‘er done” and get everything moved. It feels like there is SO much to do and I don’t know if I can get it all completed in time.

This is the first time I will be moving on my own with minimal help.

The first time without a “partner” to assist in packing and cleaning and arranging things (although I did all the logistics)

The first time without family assistance

The first time I need to deal with 2 homes at once – moving stuff out , doing repairs, and cleaning the old place while painting and setting up a new place.

The first time I will OWN a place on…

Hoarder and Clutter

Pam — Tue, 02 Feb 2010 03:44:17 +0000

Garage Clutter

Originally uploaded by mtsofan

Every monday I make sure to watch “Hoarders” on A&E. Every time I watch it I am reminded of the Stalker, because I firmly believe that he (and likely his ex girlfriend and most likely his son) was a horder, and every time I see something like that I know that I am happier without that in my life.

The last few years I have been bothered by clutter in my home. I don’t like the huge amount of things that are coming into my home, and I constantly worry about things becoming bad enough to turn into hoarding. I know that I have no issue getting rid of things, I don’t really attach a lot of…

Where I am today

Pam — Tue, 26 Jan 2010 21:07:56 +0000

Some days are hard

Last week, knowing my current relationship was in the toilet, realizing that I would have to have “the talk” I found my stomach in knots and my self esteem tanking. I was avoiding his calls, I was not at all interested in talking to him online or in person, and I was finding myself RELIEVED that he had found something better to do than waste my time by deciding that he and his daughters would come and stay with me. I was soundly in denial about how BADLY this relationship went and why I allowed it to continue on for SO freaking LONG…

Last week, I was feeling alone and unwanted… and more than a bit scared…

The Good, the Bad, The ACK-Tastic!

Pam — Fri, 22 Jan 2010 22:08:00 +0000

So… here we are at the end of the week.

Let’s recap how this week went:

The Bad Stuff

Officially breaking off my relationship with R.
SOOO much harder than I expected, given that I was pretty much “girding my loins” (snicker) to do just this for the last few weeks as I realized that we
1) viewed our relationship very differently,
2) were going in pretty much OPPOSITE directions, and
3) I was almost CERTAIN that R had been seeking out another relationship behind my back for a few months and I DIDN’T CARE.

But losing the “girlfriend” status also meant being officially “single” again, which is something that I am not entirely comfortable being. AND… all the things that he had agreed to help me with for my move,…

Alone

Pam — Wed, 20 Jan 2010 19:46:46 +0000

Last night my relationship with R ended.

I knew it was coming, I had felt it and fought against it for months, hoping that something could miraculously change and I wouldn’t have to start again.

ALONE

It ended over IM. A sad state of affairs, but in a few key strokes it was over, by mutual agreement that things were NOT working, that too much was going on in our lives (for me– kids, divorce, ex, legal issues, child support fight, buying a house; for him—kids, cross border divorce, custody, child support fight, financial difficulties, depression) for us to see a future together. He realized how bad it was, finally, only after I had given up on asking him to show some interest.

So, through type,…

EPIPANIES GALORE

Pam — Mon, 18 Jan 2010 18:57:03 +0000

One thing I learned, long ago, is that all action starts with the idea… the thought-form that you transform through pure will and guts to produce something physical. Sometimes, though, I think that my professor (all those long long years ago) missed something essential.

Or maybe it’s just me.

Change is epiphany motivated, that spiritual call or push or yearning that gets you thinking about WHY things are the way they are. It has always been the brilliant flashes out of nowhere, the soul sparks, and the sudden realizations that have lead to determining what lead to the state of affairs in which you find your life. They are the tiny squiggles of pure happiness as you realize new ways of looking at…

I want to change my approach to Spirituality

Pam — Wed, 13 Jan 2010 21:26:06 +0000

What I feel needs to be changed: I want to change my approach to Spirituality

What I realized was hurting me:

In the most basic sense of the word I have isolated myself from my spirituality, and I feel the keen loss and the “calling home” sense. I have to admit that it has been a LONG time since I was an active participant in my spiritual path…

I have never felt anything profound and glorious and sparkly from the “Status Quo” religions of my life –The traditional churches left me feeling… empty. At 17 I started reading everything I could find on Wicca and started putting things into practice on my own. I dedicated myself, found others of like mind, joined a local…

I want to live a more conscious life

Pam — Mon, 11 Jan 2010 21:28:32 +0000

What I feel needs to be changed: I want to live a more conscious life

What I realized was hurting me

Having spent the holiday/fallow season (Samhain to Yule, for those non-Pagans) in a lot of conscious thought about my life, as it was, and what I wanted to go forward… I have realized a LOT about the patterns that I fall into in my life. And the biggest pattern, by far, is not OWNING my own journey in this life.

I have been a passenger in my life!

And that CAN’T be good.

What I mean by this is this – I avoided making my own decisions many times. Why? That’s really the question here. Sometimes I did it because it seemed that other…

I Want to change my RELATIONSHIPS

Pam — Fri, 08 Jan 2010 20:49:41 +0000

I Want to change my RELATIONSHIPS for the better

What I realized was hurting me:

The last 10 years have been, essentially, LONELY. If I were to pick a theme/word for the last decade of my life, it would be “Loneliness”. And while I understand that life changes, and people fade out of your life, feeling isolated and alone HURTS.

I lost touch with my friends because I got myself wrapped up in my relationship with theEx. Some of it was normal “just falling in love and starting a life together” stuff that people go through with new relationships. Some of it was due to intense disapproval of my friends (and family) by theEx – and to avoid the constant tear downs and questions…