Facebook Status Updates

Some More Status Updates

2011-04-23T02:57:00.000-07:00

A little boy asked his father, “Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?” Father replied, “I don’t know son, I’m still paying.”
Some people who copy and paste jokes from other's status messages are idiots…
A few seconds ago • Like • Comment
A teacher ware sunglass in Class A student ask"Sir why? you ware sunglass front of us? He reply:"You People are ver Bright so i ware it""
What a perfect crime. I stole your heart, and you stole min
I think Status King should come out with a phone app! click star and arrow up if you agree!
Nothing like an old high school crush finding you & friending you on Facebook because he needs cows or some crap for Farmville.
I want to have 3 kids and name them Ctrl, Alt and Delete. Then if they mess up I will just hit them all at once.
First that jerk cut me off in traffic, then he stole my parking space, and then his stupid car got paint on my key!
That akward moment when an Emo kid orders a Happy
The attractive face you pull just before a sneeze
Always have a "BACKUP" before "BREAKUP"

Valentines Day Funny Facebook Status Updates

2011-02-12T00:37:00.001-08:00

says let's make February 15th OUR valentines day.
says there is someone for everyone but wasn't really thinking about you.
says don't worry... it's not contagious.
says, "you make me feel dead inside"... Happy Valentines Day
says on this Valentines days... Please don't make me choose between you and porn.
already killed some helpless flowers for you... what else do you want?
loves Valentines day, where nookie is only a box of chocolates away.
wants to remind you that nothing says "I love you" more than somebody else's words mass produced on re-cycled paper.
says nothing is more romantic than letting you know that I love you... via this Facebook Status update.
says, Roses are Red, Violets are Blue, It's Valentines Day, And I have a hangnail.

Random

2010-10-25T10:39:00.000-07:00

Physics would have been much easier if 'Tree' instead of 'Apple' had fallen on Newton's head :)
ＳＵＵＵＰ ┌∩┐(◕_◕)┌∩┐
If for only 1 day the anwser was YES what would you ask me for???
A duck was about to cross the road when a chicken came running up and said "Don't do it man, you will never hear the end of it!"
had a super busy day today converting oxygen into carbon dioxide
You can't say it to their face but you can say it to facebook...thanks facebook for opening doors of communication!
I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof
just killed a spider for the first time without peeing myself. Thug Life !
will be back in 15 minutes. If not, kindly read this once again. :P
❒ Taken ❒ Single ✔ Pimpin
If the week was like a music album. i would put my 3 favorite tracks on repeat. Friday, Saturday, and Sunday.

Random

2010-10-17T02:56:00.000-07:00

My mom thinks LOL stands for "lots of love" and texted me "Your Grandma just died. LOL."
After reading this you will realize that you just wasted 6 seconds of your life
who said nothing is impossible. I have been doing nothing for the past hour
Life ends when u stop dreaming, hope ends when u stop believing & love ends when u stop caring. So dream hope & love...Makes Life Beautiful
Life is short, break the rules, forgive quickly, kiss slowly, love truly, laugh uncontrollably and never regret anything that made you smile
A duck was about to cross the road when a chicken came running up and said "Don't do it man, you will never hear the end of it!"
Everything happens for a reason, the hard part is finding the reason.
I called your boyfriend gay & he hit me with his purse.
Dear Homework, You're Not Attractive and I'm Not Doing You.
never get jealous when I see my ex with someone else :$ because my Mamaa always taught me to give my used toys to the less fortunate..

Random Status (2)

2010-08-02T09:01:00.000-07:00

wanted to kill the hottest person on Earth, but then I discovered that there were laws against suicide.
Have you noticed that the "lol" symbol looks like a drowning guy? i bet hes not laughing out loud
٩(•̮̮̃•̃)۶ ٩(-̮̮̃-̃)۶ ٩(●̮̮̃•̃)۶ ٩(͡๏̯͡๏)۶ ٩(-̮̮̃•̃)۶
if you click on the star next to the word comment this status will turn into a very funny joke and if you comment it will tell u howda do it
▇f͟͞a͟͞c͟͞e͟͞b͟͞o͟͞o͟͞k͟͞▇▇═─™ This drug is very efficient for cases of chronic boredom. Extra doses can lead to addiction.
how come when you wife's pregnant, all her female friends rub her tummy & say congratulations! But nobody rubs your balls and says good job?
if you dont like me. it's just mind over matter. i dOnt mind. and OBVIOUSLY you dont matter. ((;
U have 10 fish, 5 drown, 3 come back to life. How many fish do you have? Stop counting smart one. Fish cant Drown
is TUЯИ UP TĦΣ MUSiC! ılı.--------νσℓυмє---------.ılı. : ▄ █ █ ▄ ▄ █ ▄ █ ▄ █ ▄ █ ▄ : мιη- - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Why is it when people ask you "what three things would you bring with you on a deserted island?" , no one ever replies, "A BOAT"
Kidnapping' is such a strong word. I prefer to think of it as 'surprise adoption'.
♫ ♪ ılıll|̲̅̅●̲̅̅|̲̅̅=̲̅̅|̲̅̅●̲̅̅|llılı ♪ ♫ ♬ BOOM CHICKA WAH WAHH ●٩(-̮̮̃•̃)۶
thinks that if I were a zookeeper, I wouldn't even bother putting anything in the chameleon exhibit.
Facebook is a planet. Itz our wrld,,we are facebookers,,homepage is our home,,profile is our room,,friends are our family,,photo album is our wardrobe,,changing

Random Status (1)

2010-08-02T08:58:00.000-07:00

This dog,is dog,a dog,good dog,way dog,2 dog,keep dog,an dog,idiot dog,busy dog,4 dog,30 dog,seconds dog. Now read without the word dog!
Don't wait for the perfect moment...Take the moment and make it perfect...
conserve water~~drink wine~~
You broke my heart into several pieces, Good! Now I can give it to several girls
When somebody says you've changed, it's only because you stopped living your life their way.
̿̿̿ ̿' ̿'̵͇̿̿з=(•̪●)=ε/̵͇̿̿/'̿'̿ ̿ this is a stick-up... give me ALL yo [̲̅$̲̅(̲̅1̲̅)̲̅$̲̅]!
_̴ı̴̴̡̡̡ ̡͌l̡̡̡ ̡͌l̡*̡̡ ̴̡ı̴̴̡ ̡̡͡|̲̲̲͡͡͡ ̲▫̲͡ ̲̲̲͡͡π̲̲͡͡ ̲̲͡▫̲̲͡͡ ̲|̡̡̡ ̡ ̴̡ı̴̡̡ ̡͌l̡̡̡
One day twitter, facebook, and youtube will combine to make the most time consuming website known to mankind. We'll call it "YOU TWIT FACE".
When I fill out a form that says "in case of an emergency, please notify", I always put "DOCTOR",,What the hell is my mother going to do?
Dear god, if u give us back biggie and tupac.. You can have bieber and miley...

Cute About Me Facebook Ideas

2010-08-02T08:48:00.000-07:00

I love popcorn. I love pizza. I love watching movies. I love my friends. I love shopping. I love dessert. I love reading your wall.
take 8 sugars. That should explain EVERYTHING.
I'm not much for drama in my own life but yours.....that could be fun....
My friends made me start a Facebook page. Is that too much information?
Live, Love, Laugh and eat chocolate marshmallows.
A few of my favourite things are ice cream, gifts and karma.
When the going gets tough....just tell me I'm pretty

Random status

2010-08-02T08:44:00.000-07:00

٥ﻻ ﻉ√٥ﺎ ٱц =)
► PlayTheMoments ▌▌ PauseTheMemories ■ StopThePain ◄◄ RewindTheHappiness.
˙ǝןƃuɐ ʇuǝɹǝɟɟıp ɐ ɯoɹɟ pןɹoʍ ǝɥʇ ʇɐ ʞooן ɐ ƃuıʞɐʇ sı
the cops came to my house earlier, claiming that my dog had chased someone on a bike. I said "Piss off, my dog doesn't have a bike!"
Life ends when u stop dreaming, hope ends when u stop believing & love ends when u stop caring. So dream hope & love...Makes Life Beautiful
I would rather have had one breath of her hair, one kiss from her mouth, one touch of her hand, than eternity without it
"i love u" \ two seconds 2 say it ,.,., two hours 2 explain it ,.,.,and a life time 2 prove it ........
says, Love your enemies. It will confuse them!
life is like mario bro's, ya have to slay a lot of dragons before ya meet ya princess
God gave us two ears to hear, two eyes to see and two hands to hold. But why did God give us only one heart? We have to find the other one.
if hugs were leaves, i'd give you a tree. If kisses were water, i'd give you an ocean. If love was life, i'd give you mine :D ♥ ♥
Just when the mind found the answers, the heart changed the question..
Having the love of your life break up w/ u & say u can still be friends is like having your dog die & your mom saying u can still keep it.
love isn't finding a perfect person. it's seeing an imperfect person perfectly.
"You can fall from the sky. You can fall from a tree. But the best way to fall. Is in love with me."
Falling In Love With You Is The Second Best Thing I Have Done .. Finding You Is The First ♥ ..
is...Actually, if you really loved her, you'd already know
▐▄♥ѷEs
thinks that facebook should change "it's complicated" to "single and depressed
1 28√e 980.... cover the top half of the numbers
isnt it ironic we ignore the ones who adore us adore the ones ignore us love the ones who hurt us and hurt the ones who love us
is now CPR/First Aid certified. So when I take your breath away, I can give it back.
thinks dont forget to smile everyday... you never know who might fall in love with it :-)
Laughter is a medicine with no side effects.
is on a (̅_̅_̅(̲̲̲̲̲̅̅̅̅̅̅(̅_̅_̲̅м̲̅a̲̅я̲̅l̲̅b̲̅o̲̅r̲̅o̲̅̅ ̅_̅_̅()ڪے break !!
HEY, CUPID!!!!!!!! -------------> ┌∩┐(◣_◢)┌∩┐

Funny Current Affairs related facebook status updates

2010-07-16T04:54:00.001-07:00

knows how to stop the BP Oil leak from putting out... Just put a giant wedding ring on it!
says finally an iPhone killer... You're left hand!
says Hello ladies, look at your man, now back to me, now back at your man, now back to me. Sadly, he isn’t me. Look down, back up, where are you? You’re on a boat with the man your man could smell like. What’s in your hand, back at me. I have it, it’s an oyster with two tickets to that thing you love. Look again, the tickets are now diamonds. I’m on a horse.
sometimes runs up to strangers on the street and yells "YOU'RE IT!!" and then runs away.
is a little down since nobody wished her a happy birthday today, which isn't surprising really, since it isn't my birthday.
is wondering if you choke a smurf... what colour would he turn?
hates it when people say stuff in their status updates that you really didn't want to know? I hate that. Anyway, I gotta go poo.
not only had to take his mom to the prom.. he had to pay her $20...
You f***ing do. You go out in public and it’s a f***ing embarrassment. You look like a f***ing bitch on heat.!@#$$@#$... SORRY Mel Gibson was updating my status update.
has breaking news.. many iPhone4 users are irrate that their wireless signal suddenly drops. Steve Jobs said the problem is in the software and recommends that they download the latest version of Apple's iDon'tcare.
's Miami sources say, Lebron James is not signing with them anymore. He's going to stop the oil spill!! He is going to clog the pipes with his ego.

Funny April Fools Day related Facebook Status Updates

2010-07-11T09:13:00.000-07:00

For April fools day, I took my nephew to "Disneyland", but instead I really drove him to a burned-out warehouse. 'Oh, no,' I said. 'Disneyland burned down.' He cried, but I think that deep down he thought it was a pretty good April Fools day joke.
wants to remind you that everything is funny as long as it's not happening to you.
is pleased to introduce you to baby Jacob, born today 8lb's 7 oz. Mom and baby are doing great! Oh yeah... April Fools!
won a free donut in Roll Up The Rim... Yeah Right! April fools
is getting an iPad!!!! April Fools!
is so sorry you got fired. April Fools!
noticed a friend's Facebook status said that he was suicidal and thinking about jumping off of a bridge. So I poked him. April Fools!
Has got tickets to go see Nickleback! April Fools!
wants to remind everyone to poke holes in your cat before you put it in the microwave. April Fools!
is quitting drinking today.... April Fools!
for April Fools day is going to tell a guy he's going to shoot him, then kill him with a brick.

Miscellaneous Facebook Status Updates

2010-07-11T09:08:00.003-07:00

reading other statuses but your status is important to him. Please stay online and your status will be read in priority sequence. Approximate wait time 17 min
very very very slee
Right BEHIND YOU! Boo!
going around the house and renaming things so they all start with an "i" before Apple does it... such as his iToaster, his iToilet, and his iKids and iWife.all set...
Beer, Golf Clubs, Fising Rods, Tackle, shades, Tunes... Casual Fridays here I come!
the guy who put the laughter in manslaughter
to sexy for this status
bringing sexy back... to the store for a refund!
hip to your jive talk
dy-no-mite
wondering what will happen if he touches the red wire with the green wir#*&GB
the guy who put the FUN in dysfunctional
an undercover cop
calculating pi
America's next top model!
updating his Facebook status

Music Referenced Facebook Status Updates

2010-07-11T09:08:00.001-07:00

pretty fly for a white guy
in a gadda da vida baby
psycho,-somatic addict, insane
wasting away down in Margaritaville
cruising the seas for American gold. we'd fire no guns. shed no tears. now i am a broken man on a Halifax pier. the last of Barrett's Privateers
selling Peace but who's buying?
stomping his feet because he's happy and he knows it and he really wants to show it
a picker, a grinner, a lover and a sinner, play'n his music in the sun
tragically hip
doing the HUSTLE! doo du doo du doo du doo doo...
a well thought out twinkle
so sick from the drink I need home for a rest
bringing sexy back
bringing sexy back... to the store for a refund
rock n rolling all night long and partying every day
more human than human
tubthumping
bananas. B - A - N -A -N -A - S
elegantly wasted
dazed and confused for so long it's not true
afraid of Americans
so vain. He probably thinks this status is about him.

Movie & TV based Facebook Status Updats

2010-07-11T09:07:00.004-07:00

Sure he'd feel worse if he wasn't so heavily sedated
A box of chocolates
magically delicious
made with 10% real juice!
a Toys R Us kid
the Prince of Belair
eating a Chiquita
made with calcium. Something your body needs anyways
insignificant next to the power of the force
dancing with the stars
master of his domain

Sayings used as Funny Facebook Status Updates

2010-07-11T09:07:00.002-07:00

the new Black
the devil you know
the lesser of 2 evils
yesterday's news
thinking inside the box because too many people are thinking outside the box.
a deadman walking
easier said then done
his own worst enemy
rushing in where angels fear to tread
knowing nothing and doubting nothing
having his cake and eating it too

Seinfeld Inspired Funny Facebook Status Updates

2010-07-11T09:07:00.000-07:00

sponge worthy
a close talker
a low talker
master of his domain
all real and they are spectacular
not able to spare a square
yada yada yada
a bad breaker-upper
bubble boy
stab worthy

Simpsons inspired Funny Facebook Status updates

2010-07-11T09:06:00.003-07:00

having the best day of my life, and I owe it all to not going to Church!
assuring you that it's not easy juggling a pregnant wife and a troubled child, but somehow I managed to squeeze in 8 hours of Facebook a day.
going to miss you so much. And it's not just the sex. It's also the food preparation.
known for his motivational skills. Everyone always says they have to work twice as hard when I'm around!
sure that if there's one thing America needs, it's more lawyers.
, unlike most of you, not a nut!
in awe! Reading and writing actually paid off!
wondering, what's the point of going out, we're just going to end up back here anyway!
going to the backseat of my car with the woman I love, and I won't be back for TEN MINUTES.
wondering when will he ever learn... The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on Facebook!

George W. Bush inspired funny facebook status updates

2010-07-11T09:06:00.001-07:00

sure that they misunderestimated me!
adamant that if we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure!
on a mission because for every fatal shooting, there were roughly three non-fatal shootings and, folks, this is unacceptable in America!
positive that the human being and fish can coexist peacefully.
believing in what I believe — I believe what I believe is right.
not wanting to sound like I have made no mistakes. I'm confident I have. I'm not as quick on my feet as I should be in coming up with one.
just wanting you to know that, when we talk about war, we're really talking about peace.
letting you know, fool me once, shame on you. Fool me — you can't get fooled again!
aware that our enemies are innovative and resourceful, and so are we. They never stop thinking about new ways to harm our country and our people, and neither do we.
agonizing that too many OB-GYNs aren't able to practice their love with women all across this country.
reminding you, teach a child to read, and he or her will be able to pass a literacy test

Spinal Tap inspired Funny Facebook Status Updates

2010-07-11T09:05:00.004-07:00

the patron saint of quality footwear.
certain that in the topsy-turvy world of heavy rock, having a good solid piece of wood in your hand is often useful.
wondering how far is all the way, and then if it stops, what's stopping it, and what's behind what's stopping it? So, what's the end, you know, is my question.
thinking that as long as there's, you know, sex and drugs, he can do without the rock and roll.
sure he'd feel much worse if he weren't under such heavy sedation
raising a practical question at this point? Are we gonna do "Stonehenge" tomorrow?
a believer of everything he reads. It makes him a more selective person.
one louder. Isn't he?
saying love your brother. He's not literally saying it. He's not literally meaning it. But he's not a racist. That message should be clear anyways.
disappointed with the opening band. The crowd was still booing them when he went on stage.
sad his friend died in a bizarre gardening accident. Authorities said... best leave it... unsolved.

Miscellaneous Funny Facebook Status Updates - II

2010-07-11T09:05:00.002-07:00

with your girlfriend.
filmed before a live stuido audience
trapped in the facebook status message textbox; send help!
not the droid you're looking for.
not your friend.
finding your lack of faith disturbing
sensing something; a presence he hasn't felt since...
better than you.
not for everyone. Clinical tests show that he may cause nausea, fatigue, and kidney or liver problems. Ask your doctor if he is right for you
gonna kick your rear end from here to Tienanmen Square.
made of meat. Your whole family is made of meat
a lumberjack and he's okay. He drinks all night and works all day
the second coming

Miscellaneous Funny Facebook Status Updates - III

2010-07-11T09:05:00.000-07:00

shaking it like a polaroid picture
shaken not stirred
brought to you by the letters W T F
raging against the machine!
taking his sugar with coffee and creme
currently out of his mind but please feel free to leave a message
the one that put a hole in the ozone layer
all that
drinking in a box, NAME is drinking with a Fox, NAME will drink green beer and Rum, NAME will drink them till he's numb...
the reason the chicken crossed the road

Research inspired Funny Facebook Status Updates

2010-07-11T09:04:00.002-07:00

writing a paper called "Sex and Pregnancy: A Possible Connection"
presenting his thesis on "E=MC3: That's Right, Einstein, I Said Cubed!"
being interviewed on his new novel "Sweet and Sour Pork: How Can It Be Both? At The Same Time?"
Gathering research for his essay, "Lincoln: The Man, The President, The Town Car"
Wondering if his new research grant will accept his thesis, "Whoops!: I Blew My $800,000 Research Grant At The MGM Grand Casino"
Pondering the scientific evidence to support the claim "Kraft Macaroni & Cheese: So Cheesy, It Should Be Called 'Kraft Cheese & Macaroni'"
reviewing extensive analysis on the topic "There Sure Are A Lot of 'Smiths' In The Phone Book, Dude"
writing his final paper called "The Isotope Conjecture: A Fake Title So My Wife Won't Look Inside Here and See My Letters To Penthouse Forum"
a bit disappointed he didn't win the Nobel Prize as evidenced by his book "Why The People Who Award The Nobel Prize Are A Bunch Of Jerks"
doing scientific research on "Gravity: The Devil's Tool"

More Miscellaneous Funny Facebook Status Updates

2010-07-11T09:04:00.000-07:00

better than Ezra
typing feverishly on his Blackberry pretending to do work but really updating his Facebook status
the guy who stole the frigg'n cookie from the cookie jar. Now shutup!
pleased to meet you. Hope you guessed my name.
being recalled by Fisher Price because he may contain traces of led paint
stomping his feet because he's happy and he knows it.
going..... and going..... and going..... and going....
sdrawkcab gnipyT
inviting you to play with his touchscreen.
secretly hoping the video he and Paris made last night is released on TMZ
lost in translation

Funny New Year's Resolution Facebook Status Updates

2010-07-11T09:03:00.003-07:00

stop using the following phrase at work, "Deal..." (dramatic pause) "Or No Deal..."
work with neglected children. (my own).
stop replying to funny jokes he hears by saying, "L.O.L... L.O.L"
do less laundry and use more deodorant.
stop using Facebook as the primary communication method with his wife & kids.
read less.
stop tagging pictures of himself in pictures even when he's not in them.
combine his love of bass fishing and exercise into new sport: Bassercize
only pay for sex if the price seems really, really reasonable
start buying lottery tickets at a luckier store.
eat more paint.

More Miscellaneous Funny Facebook Status Updates!

2010-07-11T09:03:00.001-07:00

Says touch your head. Touch your nose. NAME didn't say touch your nose.
is really tired of kidney stones
smells better than he tastes
often rambles on and on about this and that seeming to be heading towards a point but really just blabbing about nothing.
has a clear conscience or was that a bad memory?
is modest and proud of it!
is boycotting shampoo and demanding real poo!
was reviewing your profile but couldn't turn the suck down!
is a vegetarian, not because he loves animals but because he hates plants!
wouldn't be caught dead with a necrophiliac.

Funny One Liner Facebook Status Updates

2010-07-11T09:02:00.005-07:00

will be here all week. Thank-you. Thank-You Very much!
knows your jealous because the voices are talking to him and not you.
wonders... What is the speed of dark?
has too much blood in his caffeine system.
has calculated that half of his Facebook friends are below average.
is being spontaneous... tomorrow.
is joining the army. He hears it's a great way to meet people. Then kill them.
wants to remind you that it's even worse then you think.
didn't say it was your fault... I'm just blaming you...
is going around telling people that you're really 46