I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I had forgotten to make. I found the number and dialed it.

A man answered, saying, “Hello.”

I politely said, “Could I please speak with Robin Carter?”

Suddenly, the phone was slammed down on me. I couldn’t believe that anyone could be so rude. I realized I had called the wrong number. I tracked down Robin’s correct number and called her. I had accidentally transposed the last two digits of her phone number. After hanging up with her, I decided to call the ‘wrong’ number again.

When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled, “You’re an asshole!” and hung up.

I wrote his number down with the word ‘asshole’ next to it, and put it in my desk drawer.

Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad day, I’d call him up and yell, “You’re an asshole!” It always cheered me up.

When Caller ID came to our area, I thought my therapeutic ‘asshole’ calling would have to stop. So, I called his number and said, “Hi, this is John Smith from the Telephone Company. I’m just calling to see if you’re familiar with the Caller ID program?”

He yelled, “NO!” and slammed the phone down.

I quickly called him back and said, “That’s because you’re an asshole!”

One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking spot. Some guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had patiently waited for.. I hit the horn and yelled that I had been waiting for that spot. The idiot ignored me I noticed a “For Sale” sign in his car window . . so, I wrote down his number.

A couple of days later, right after calling the first asshole ( I had his number on speed dial), I thought I had better call the BMW asshole, too. I said, “Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?”

“Yes, it is.”

“Can you tell me where I can see it?”

“Yes, I live at 1802 West 34th Street. It’s a yellow house, and the car’s parked right out in front.”

“What’s your name?” I asked.

“My name is Don Hansen,” he said.

“When’s a good time to catch you, Don?”

“I’m home every evening after five.”

“Listen, Don, can I tell you something?”

“Yes?”

“Don, you’re an asshole.”

Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial, too. Now, when I had a problem, I had two assholes to call.

But after several months of calling them, it wasn’t as enjoyable as it used to be.

So, I came up with an idea. I called Asshole #1.

“Hello.”

“You’re an asshole!” (But I didn’t hang up.)

“Are you still there?” he asked.

“Yeah,” I said.

“Stop calling me,” he screamed.

“Make me,” I said.

“Who are you?” he asked.

“My name is Don Hansen..”

“Yeah? Where do you live?”

“Asshole, I live at 1802 West 34th Street, a yellow house, with my black Beamer parked in front.”

He said, “I’m coming over right now, Don. And you had better start saying your prayers.”

I said, “Yeah, like I’m really scared, asshole.”

Then I called Asshole #2.

“Hello?” he said.

“Hello, asshole,” I said.

He yelled, “If I ever find out who you are…!”

“You’ll what?” I said.

“I’ll kick your ass,” he exclaimed.

I answered, “Well, asshole, here’s your chance. I’m coming over right now.”

Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I lived at 1802 West 34th Street, and that I was on my way over there to kill my gay lover.

Then I called Channel 13 News about the gang war going down on West 34th Street.

I quickly got into my car and headed over to 34th street.

When I got there, I saw two assholes beating the crap out of each other in front of six squad cars, a police helicopter, and the channel 13 news crew.

NOW, I feel better – This is “Anger Management” at its very best.

Step 2: Cost estimate
Per request from the comments, here’s a rough cost estimate based on my purchase prices. Most of these came from stores near my office in downtown SF, so you can probably do better! Milk Chocolate: 2x$2.50 = $5 Butterscotch chips: $2.50/bag, used 1/4 = $0.63 Peanut butter: $3.50/jar, used Butter: $2.99/lb, used Evap milk: $1.29, used 1/3 = $0.43 Sugar: no idea

Step 3: Prepare pan
Line your pan with waxed paper or plastic wrap, making sure there’s plenty of extra draped over the sides and ends of the pan. This will make it easier (or possible!) to remove the Snickers bars when you’re done.

Step 4: Bottom chocolate layer
Combine 7 oz chocolate, 1.75 oz butterscotch, and 64 g peanut butter in a microwave-safe bowl. – Heat in 20-second increments, stirring each time, until all ingredients melt together smoothly. This may take several minutes, but don’t rush the process – burned chocolate means you have to start over! – Pour into your pan, and spread in an even layer. – Stick the pan in

Step 5: Nougat Layer
Combine 4 Tbsp butter, 1 cup sugar, and 1/4 cup evaporated milk in small heavy-bottomed pot. – Heat on low until the mixture melts, mixes, and starts to bubble. Stir as necessary. – Remove from heat, and add 1 teaspoon vanilla, 64 g peanut butter, and 1.5 cups marshmallow fluff. – Stir until all ingredients are melted and smoothly combined, then let it cool slightly.

Step 6: Caramel and Peanut Layer
Combine 1/4 cup evaporated milk, 1.5 Tablespoons butter, and pound of caramels in the (cleaned) small pot. – Heat on low, stirring frequently, until the caramels have melted into the milk and butter. Be careful not to burn the caramel – it can stick if you’re not careful! (I toasted mine slightly, which turned out to be just fine.

Step 7: Top chocolate layer
Melt 7 oz milk chocolate, 1.75 oz butterscotch chips, and 64g peanut butter as described in Step 3. – Pour into your pan, and spread in an even layer on top of the caramel. – Stick the pan back in the freezer to set.

Step 8: Chop into bars
Remove pan from the freezer, and lift up the waxed paper or plastic to remove the frozen block of tasty treats. – Deposit your block on a cutting board. – Use a sharp, heavy kitchen knife to cut the rough edges offf your block, making the edges nice and square and tidy. (Yes, eating the detritus is absolutely required.) – Cut strips across your block. These should b?

Step 9: Dip edges (optional)
This step doesn’t really change the flavor, but will cover the cut edges and make your candy bars look properly finished. – Melt 7 oz milk chocolate, 1.75 oz butterscotch chips, and 64g peanut butter as described in Step 3. – Grab a square (or rectangle) of candy bar block, and dip each edge in the melted chocolate mixture. – If you want to get really fancy, drizzle ?

Step 10: Store and Serve
Your Snickers bars will keep for quite a while if frozen – just layer them between waxed paper in a sealed plastic container. Beware storing them at room temperature too long, especially during the summer, as the chocolate has a rather low melting temperature. But don’t worry, these won’t last long! The hard part is not eating the whole pan yourself. Serve frozen.

Another Alternative:

They are super sweet, heavy and rich. But if you dare to try them yourself, here is the recipe we also used.

Fake Snickers Bars
2 cups milk chocolate Chips, divided
½ cup of butterscotch chips, divided
¾ cup of creamy peanut butter, divided
5 ½ tablespoons of butter, divided
1 cup of sugar 1 pound of of caramel
½ cup of evaporated milk, divided
1 ½ cup chopped toasted unsalted peanuts
1 ½ cups of marshmallow fluff
Tablespoon Vanilla Extract
Waxed paper, 9 X 13 baking dish

Step 1: Line the baking pan with the waxed, this will make it easy to remove the candy bars after they are made.

Step 2: In a double boiler over medium heat stir together 1 cup of chocolate chips, ¼ cup of butterscotch and a ¼ cup of peanut butter. Stir constantly until smooth. Spread the melted chocolate mixture into your pan. Make an even layer, put your pan in you freezer.

Step 3: To make the nougat, combine 4 Tablespoons of butter, Sugar and ¼ cup of evaporated milk over low heat in a heavy saucepan. Stir as needed, once the mixture bubbles remove from the heat. Stir in ¼ cup of peanut butter marshmallow fluff and vanilla extract until smooth. Let the mixture cool slightly then pour nougat over cooled bottom chocolate layer, spread even and return to the freezer.

Step 4: For the caramel layer. Stir ¼ cup of evaporated milk, the caramels and 1½ tablespoons of butter in a saucepan over medium heat until melted. Add peanuts and pour over the cooled nougat, spread even and return to the freezer. For the top layer, repeat the steps for making the bottom layer. In a double boiler over medium heat stir together 1 cup of chocolate chips, ¼ cup of butterscotch and a ¼ cup of peanut butter. Stir constantly until smooth and pour over the carmel layer.

Step 5: Put the pan in the refrigerator for 2 hours to set. Remove pan from the freezer, and lift up the waxed.