“Romantic love is a drive. In fact, I think it’s more powerful than the sex drive. You know, if you ask someone to go to bed with you and they say “no thank you” you certainly don’t kill yourself or slip into a depression. But, certainly, around the world, people who are rejected in love with kill for it. People live for love, kill for love and will die for it.”

Helen Fisher, author of The First Sex, Why We Love and Anatomy of Love: A Natural History of Mating, Marriage, and Why We Stray

Heads up: The video clip above is 20+ minutes. It’s a bit long, but it’s thought-provoking and worth watching. I’m much more drawn to these kinds of discussions than the fluffy “Top 10 Ways To Turn Your Man on TONIGHT!!!!” stuff.

If you see this note, you're reading my site via its RSS feed. If links, video clips, photos or other media don't work here, visit FUNKY BROWN CHICK via the link below:

This Is Why We Love and Cheat

1. Follow advice. One of my writing mentors successfully wrote and sold 7 books in the past 7 years. Each time, she handed in a full manuscript instead of a proposal. It worked for her, and she suggests her students do the same.
2. Reduce stress. I’ve written articles, penned columns and contributed chapters to others’ anthologies. But, this is my first full memoir. As I mentioned in my last update, it’s nice to take as long as I need to grow, learn and finish it — without the added stress of looming deadlines from editors. That will come later :)
3. Get it out of the way. As more than one published authors reminded me: “It’s not like finishing the proposal means you don’t have to write the book. You’ve gotta write it anyway, so may as well do it now.”
4. Understand the Project. For me, the biggest benefit of writing the full thing is that I’ve come to understand my project MUCH better. When I started, I didn’t have a clear sense of what I was doing with it. I knew I was writing a memoir, but the outline was pretty vague. I’m much more focused now that I’ve written the first full draft.

That said, quite frankly, I don’t think there’s one “right” way to write a book. Jean-Dominique Bauby supposedly finished The Diving Bell and the Butterfly by blinking the whole thing out one letter at a time over the course of a year or so. NaNoWriMo are sprinting through it all in a month. Cliff Chase, one of my favorite people from my time spent working as a peon at Newsweek, told me he dedicated many many years to finishing Winkie. (The book Writing a book is like completing marathon. Both require a tremendous amount of motivation, effort and time. But, the purpose isn’t to “win.” It’s about finishing it at your own pace to accomplish whatever personal goal(s) you’ve set for yourself. So, I guess the question: “How should I write a book?” is: Follow whichever way works for you and stick with it the best you can until you finish.

———

Credit paid: Marathon image is by Randy Lemoine

If you see this note, you're reading my site via its RSS feed. If links, video clips, photos or other media don't work here, visit FUNKY BROWN CHICK via the link below:

Getting to The Finish Line: How to Write a Book

Shout out and extra special thanks to everyone at Cafe 50 West for being so kind to our crazy group.

If you see this note, you're reading my site via its RSS feed. If links, video clips, photos or other media don't work here, visit FUNKY BROWN CHICK via the link below:

In Pictures: 2009 Halloween Brunch Party

What is your idea of perfect happiness?

Living my life as I see fit. Pursuing my passions. Hanging out with good friends. Drinking nice wine. Seeing beautiful sunsets. Dipping my toes in warm ocean water on sandy beaches. Practicing my faith in a place of worship that doesn’t judge me. Being loved. Being free.

What is your greatest fear?

Dying alone.

What is the trait you most deplore in yourself?

Strength. But, it’s weird; I have a love / hate relationship with this trait. Hear me out …

Ages ago, on This American Life, I listened to Genevieve Jurgensen talk about the death of her two young daughters. After their funeral, she said someone told her: “You will see, you can get used to anything.” She responded. “It is certainly the most simple, true, brutal perceptive thing that anyone said to me at the time. You could interpret it as either a message of hope, or of a crushing contempt of human nature.”

I never know how to react when people tell me they think I’m “strong” or “independent” or whatever. On one hand, it’s a certainly compliment. On the other hand, it’s frustrating because resilience, by definition, is the capacity to withstand and rebound from catastrophe, pain and loss. Hence, the more resilient anyone is, theoretically, the more “practice” they’ve had at sharpening this skill/trait. I remember talking to one of my church’s ministers about how difficult life was for me at a certain point a few years back, and he told me: “Life can be unbearably hard at times.” Yes, it’s true. I know. And, if strength is the product of surviving adversity, sometimes I wish I wasn’t as strong because that would’ve meant I hadn’t experienced as much adversity.

What is the trait you most deplore in others?

Stubbornness. Bigotry. Closed-mindedness. Ignorance. Pick any; they’re all one in the same.

Which living person do you most admire?

Whoopi Goldberg, Halle Berry, Oprah, Barack Obama, Cher, Madonna, Eminem, Jay-Z, Sean Combs, Zoe Margolis, Abiola Abrams, Rachel Kramer Bussel, my family and others — both known and unknown, famous and obscure — who’ve made their way forward and are doing things they love on their own terms.

What is your current state of mind?

Conflicted about living in New York beyond the next 3 – 5 years. Resolved about my dating life. Happy that I’m living, clothed, fed, sheltered and moving toward being debt free.

What do you consider the most overrated virtue?

Chastity. Seriously, fuck that.

What do you most dislike about your appearance?

That I (and women in general) have to do our hair, wear make up and do other seemingly purposeless and annoying things to look “polished.” I know women who won’t leave this house without makeup. Obviously, I’m doing it wrong because I rarely wear the stuff & regularly post pictures online sans makeup and sans curled hair. :)

What is the quality you most like in a man?

Honesty.

What is the quality you most like in a woman?

Self esteem. Women who have healthy levels of self esteem are generally less bitchy and annoying to deal with than those who don’t.

Which words or phrases do you most overuse?

I say “or something like that” and “right” and “like” and other stuff a lot. I blame my days living in California :)

What or who is the greatest love of your life?

There’s not one “who” because I think everyone has several “great loves” throughout their lives. If I had to answer “what” is my greatest love, I would say happiness. I like being happy.

When and where were you happiest?

Adulthood.

Which talent would you most like to have?

I’d like to have a better singing voice.

What do you consider your greatest achievement?

Happiness and positivity. Neither came easily, I work at both.

If you were to die and come back as a person or a thing, what would it be?

A butterfly. They’re really pretty. I like looking at them. So, yeah, either that or a chocolate cupcake. Or, maybe, a stone.

Where would you most like to live?

At the moment, I’m okay in New York. When I look into the future, I think I’d eventually like to save more money, plan for early retirement, buy property, have a bigass dog for a pet, grow a garden, etc. It’s not impossible to do these things in New York, but it’s certainly harder to achieve that stuff here than it is in other places. Five years into the future, I will have lived in NYC for a decade. That’s a good run. Not sure where I’d go after that. Maybe I’ll stay here. Maybe I won’t. Maybe I return abroad. Maybe I won’t. Who knows.

What is your favorite occupation?

In the past it was international affairs / international education. Now, it’s writing.

What do you most value in your friends?

Loyalty. Integrity. Honesty.

Who are your favorite writers?

Too many to list!!! Langston Hughes, Anne Frank, Gabriel García Márquez, Kafka, Hans Massaquoi …

What is it that you most dislike?

Shitty people.

What is your greatest regret?

I don’t have regrets, per se. I have tons of mistakes that I’ve learned from, and I try to apply that knowledge whenever I’m in similar situations. For example, I used to live in London by myself. I left because I was scared and didn’t know if things would work out in the long run. In New York, when things didn’t work out in the beginning, I stayed because I already knew what it was like to run away.

How would you like to die?

Without pain, in my sleep while dreaming about my loved ones.

What is your motto?

Life is short. Enjoy it.

If you see this note, you're reading my site via its RSS feed. If links, video clips, photos or other media don't work here, visit FUNKY BROWN CHICK via the link below:

Voyeurism and The Proust Questionnaire

If you see this note, you're reading my site via its RSS feed. If links, video clips, photos or other media don't work here, visit FUNKY BROWN CHICK via the link below:

Manly Monday: Barack Obama, Nobel Laureate

In any case, I’m coming off of a “time out.” Last week, I didn’t update the blog as much as I usually do and I scaled back on a bunch of other stuff. Instead, I caught up on the phone with Abiola, Rachel and other friends I hadn’t spoken to in a while; met up with Wilma & her son Denware (two FBC readers visiting NY from The Netherlands); went to see Paranormal Activity with Bro and Elsie; checked out other fun stuff in the city; and tended to personal matters. Also, today, I scheduled down time to take care of random business & enjoy an extended weekend.

I’m grateful anyone reads this site at all, and I feel bad when I don’t stick to my typical schedule of posting new content. That said, this time, I really needed a break. So, no apologies — just heartfelt thanks for your patience and understanding. Now, on with the show. I’ll post a new Manly Monday in a second but, this week, I can’t promise I’ll update every day. So, if you’d like a more regular Funky Brown Chick fix, there’s always Twitter.

If you see this note, you're reading my site via its RSS feed. If links, video clips, photos or other media don't work here, visit FUNKY BROWN CHICK via the link below:

Taking Care of Business (and Self)

If you could pick a “Theme Song” for today, what would YOU choose?

If you see this note, you're reading my site via its RSS feed. If links, video clips, photos or other media don't work here, visit FUNKY BROWN CHICK via the link below:

It’s going to be a sunny 71° F in NYC today.

Several years ago, I slept with a guy who faked an orgasm. Unable to complete The Final Act, he put on a performance. When he was done, he pulled out but he was still hard and the condom’s inside was completely dry and empty. I kind of felt bad for him because there’s TREMENDOUS pressure on guys to “make it happen.” Sometimes, they can’t. Wanna know more about other guys who’ve fake it? Read Men Fake It Too! on MSNBC. Also, Psychology Today has a Men Who Fake Orgasms piece, and Marie Claire answers: Why would men fake it? If you’re a guy who faked it (or someone who’s been with a dude who put on theatrics), feel free to share your stories in the comments section below.

If you see this note, you're reading my site via its RSS feed. If links, video clips, photos or other media don't work here, visit FUNKY BROWN CHICK via the link below:

Manly Monday: Can Men Fake It? (Video)

Today, I met up with a friend for mimosas and a deep southern brunch at Bone Lick Park. After, we strolled through quaint tree-lined streets in the West Village, drank freshly brewed coffee at  Roasting Plant, gobbled cupcakes at Sweet Revenge and nibbled on stinky cheeses at Murray’s. I LOVE the Village. I snapped pictures the whole day; you can see them on Twitpic. Actually, since it’s time for another Saturday roundup, this time let’s highlight PICTURES.

The beautiful “Manhattan Sunset” above is from photographer Demetrius González. He’s a pro. I’m not. If you’d like to see amateur snapshots of me in goofing off in NY, I’ve got tons of stuff loaded on my Facebook. A few of you (214 to be exact) sent me friend requests. I also owe a some of you emails. Fret not; you are not being ignored. I see you! Sorry for the delay. I’m only one little brown person, and my “To Do” list fills quickly. I’ll get around to it. (For now, other things like “work on my book” and “follow up with student loan deferment/forbearance status” take priority.) Whether we’re already friends on Facebook or not, you can still see how my camera captured the New Island Festival celebrating Holland on the Hudson. There’s also a video of me speaking Dutch while riding a bicycle in a skirt. On Flickr, there are New York-themed pictures from the Harold & Maude at Bryant Park movie night and one of my trips to the The Metropolitan Museum of Art.  If you want to see my other Empire State images, type “in pictures” (in quotes) in the search box located on the upper right corner of Funky Brown Chick.

If you see this note, you're reading my site via its RSS feed. If links, video clips, photos or other media don't work here, visit FUNKY BROWN CHICK via the link below:

In Pictures: See My Views of New York City

Sexy men are sexy men, and I don’t care what shade they are. When active on online dating sites, I’ve shot emails to Indian, Asian, black and white dudes. If you’ve played the internet dating game, you know some people respond to your emails, winks and other e-flirting. Some don’t. For what it’s worth, to be honest, for the MIA dudes who weren’t black, I’ve often wondered: “Did he not write me back because he wasn’t interested in ME or does he not date black girls, period?” Could be either, could be something else entirely. I don’t know much about the non-Twannalovers because it would’ve been weird to ask, “Heeeey, why didn’t you write me back?!?!” Plenty of men in New York. No need to chase ones who aren’t into me, right? I just go out on dates with other (white, black, foreign or whatever) guys who are interested. Weeeell, enter OkCupid.

The picture above is from their recent survey data. Last week, they announced they discovered your race affects whether people write you back on their site. For example, Anonymous Asian ladies writing black men on OkCupid get relatively high response rates. But, when tables are turned, Asian women are more likely to shove a cold shoulder at black men who initiate contact. So much from blasian love, huh? OkCupid’s other results? White men are less likely to respond to black women. “The takeaway here is,” the company concluded, “although race shouldn’t matter in messaging, it does. A lot.” If you’re interested in the survey, read the rest of the results over at OkCupid.

You think I’d be pissed off about the their findings, right? Well, yes and no. Shamus Dalton Witherford IV doesn’t want to date Twanna Hines? Fine. He doesn’t have to. I can’t necessarily wholly fault someone for their dating preferences. In fact, I’d rather someone say straight out they AREN’T interested in dating different race/ethnicities than check boxes indicating they are — then conveniently proceed to avoid responding to women who don’t match their preferences. If you’re a white dude who only dates white women, be honest about it. If you’re an Asian lesbian looking for a 5′10″ black woman in a petite frame. Say that. If you’re a Latino dude who wants a short white girl with full curves, go for it! Why waste anyone’s time? No one likes rejection. Having been on it’s receiving end, I don’t like it when I “put myself out” there to men — regardless of ethnicity, whether online or offline — and don’t get a response. It makes me feel awkward and unwanted. But, mostly, it makes me feel silly! It’s like, “Ewww! I went after a guy who wasn’t even interested. I don’t want to be that ‘Desperate Girl.’” But enough about my Adventures in Online Dating. I wanna talk about something I mentioned on Twitter last night.

If you’ve not yet heard the news, Keith Bardwell, a justice of the peace in Louisiana, denied a marriage license to Beth Humphrey and Terence McKay since he doesn’t think they should have children because he’s black and she’s white. Quoting Bardwell (via NPR):

“I’m not a racist. I just don’t believe in mixing the races [...] I have piles and piles of black friends. They come to my home [...] they use my bathroom. I treat them just like everyone else.”

When I shared the article on my Facebook earlier, a handsome Aussie pal jokingly commented, “I’m worried that he keeps his black friends in piles.” I laughed because his comment is funny :) And, now, for the more serious side …. WHAT. THE. FUCK. IS. GOING. ON. IN. LOUISIANA?! This gets back to what I was writing about earlier. [Points up a few paragraphs.] There aren’t laws saying anyone HAS TO date or marry anyone else because, quite frankly, they don’t. Hell, any black person can say, “I don’t date white people.” And, vice versa. Preferences, schmeferences. No one HAS TO date interracially (hate that term), but that’s not the point. Anyone who WANTS to date or get married should be able to. Loving v. Virginia anyone? 1967? It’s almost 2010. Hmmm, I guess that all I have to say. So, on second thought, instead of this really really long blogpost, I could’ve summed my feelings up with a simple sentence and a link: It’s disappointing and weird that we’re “here” again — revisiting/referencing such basic, fundamental rights.

————–

Pssst! Interested in Loving v. Virginia? If you missed it, I wrote about the couple — and about how Van Morrison’s song Brown-Eyed Girl was supposedly originally titled Brown-Skinned Girl — in a October 2005 Funky Brown Chick post called Making Love in the Green Grass.

If you see this note, you're reading my site via its RSS feed. If links, video clips, photos or other media don't work here, visit FUNKY BROWN CHICK via the link below:

Down With Interracial Dating and Marriage?