“I’m excited that they’ve broken free of whatever messages we all receive about how a women is ’supposed’to act, and instead they are bent on active however they damn well please.”

Standing the post office decorated with silver PO boxes and uniformed employees with navy trousers and baby blue shirts, I use fingernails and teeth to tear open the bubble wrapped coated envelope. My friend Rachel’s freshly published book, Fast Girls: Erotica for Women, has arrived. Yay! I’m really proud of Rach for churning out another smart and interesting project. A Fast Girl, she writes in Fast Is A (Sexy) State of Mind, “[is] the kind of babe who takes no prisoners, who owns her life and her sexuality and not only doesn’t apologize for them, makes sure you notice her and what she’s all about.” My eyes zoom over the next words, commas and periods as I read about women I aspire (and am inspired) to be.

“What I love about these fast girls is that even as they are bold, daring and dynamic, they have a thing or two to learn about sex and themselves [...] It’s not about trying to slut it up to impress anyone, but about finding what works for you [...] I’m excited that they’ve broken free of whatever messages we all receive about how a women is ’supposed’ to act, and instead they are bent on active however they damn well please.”

As New Yorkers trickle in and out of the building to pick up their mail, I whip out my phone. Flashing pictures in the 1.0 post office, I send 2.0 images of the book’s cover to my Twitter, Facebook and Foursquare. In 140-character updates, I congratulate Rachel and encourage people to buy her book. A thin fellow brown person a few inches from my left shoulder — a guy who appears to be in his mid-40s — raises an eyebrow. I garble rapid sentences to explain, but his expressionless face morphs as he drags his mouth’s left corner to a smirk. Crawling my body with his glance, he slowly responds, “I like that.” Taking pause, I’m suddenly acutely self-aware of how I possibly appear in his eyes. He makes me feel dirty as I imagine the story he might tell a group of guys later.

HIM: “Okay, so, I’m at the post office on 42nd Street, right? In walks this black woman. She’s stands shoulder to shoulder with me. Then, she gnaws open a package of lesbian smut with a white girl on the cover and starts taking pictures of it like she’s the fucking paparazzi and this book is a celebrity.”

HIS DUDES: “What?!?! You’re lying. This sounds like one of those Penthouse Variations letters.”

HIM: “See, that’s my point. The girl casually mentions her friend actually WORKS at Penthouse. It’s the same girl who sent her the book.”

HIS DUDES: “Sounds like this chick was hitting on you. So, what’s the book?”

HIM: “You ready for this? Fast Girls: Erotica for Women.”

HIS DUDES: [high fiving each other] “I bet she’s a freak!!!! Did you get her number?”

And, here’s where I get to my point. Yes, the guy in the post office asked for my number. No, I didn’t give it to him. (I’ve already been going on dates with a couple guys, and I’d slept with one of them the night before. Not looking for additional dudes.) I could be completely wrong but, from his reaction and our brief interaction, I got the impression the guy at the post office thought I was a freaky, slutty, horny lesbian looking to turn him out. I could turn him out if I wanted to, but I’m not a freaky, slutty, horny lesbian. Not that there’s anything wrong with that. In fact, if this country needs anything, it’s more freaky, slutty, horny lesbians. But, we also need more men who understand how to handle women who are extremely comfortable with their sexuality. At the moment, the assumption is often: You must be one of those fast girls.

Yes, in fact, I am. However, it remains to be seen how many guys really understand what that means. Are you a fast girl? Do you want to know more about these women?  Read Fast Girls: Erotica for Women. I know, a shameless plug for a friend’s book, right? Here are a couple recommendations for books written by people I don’t know personally: Sexy Book of Sexy Sex arrived the same day Rachel’s did, and Erotic Revolutionaries: Black Women, Sexuality, and Popular Culture has been shipped. It should arrive in my box shortly; wonder what reaction I’ll receive at the post office for that one.

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“Fast Is A (Sexy) State of Mind”

I have redhead men on the brain. M.I.A.’s Born Free. Prince Harry’s summer visit to NYC. Jimmy Fallon’s joke about Conan O’Brien at the Emmys. Gingers have been in the news recently. And, earlier today, one of my Twitter followers — Roland Hulme of MilitantGinger.com — was kind enough to give me great health tips about my low levels of Vitamin D. So, today’s Manly Monday topic: Ginger Guys.

Redheads come in all shapes, sizes and hues. There’s even a sassy cocktail called the “firecrotch.” Though the recipe varies by bartender, ingredients are typically equal portions of Malibu rum, mango juice and cranberry juice. Mix and top off with a splash of soda and fresh lime juice. iDrink has a version with crushed ice, mint leaves and Absinthe. Try it. But, enough about firecrotch cocktails and back to sexy ginger men.

I like ‘em. Whether faux or natural, strawberry blond or brilliant orange, there’s something kind of sexy about guys with red hair. Rewind to the 90s. Teck Money from Real World Hawaii (the one with Ruthie) had bottled blondish-reddish hair. Remember Eric Stoltz? He was arguably the sexiest and most famous 80s redhead. I’m blanking on current celebrity ginger guys. Question: Are redhead men sexier than other dudes because they have a special X factor? And, who’s your favorite redhead celebrity (male or female)?

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Who’s the Sexiest Male Celebrity with Red Hair?

First, for the free giveaway, I asked you: “Tell me how you found my site and what, if anything, you’ve taken away from it regarding black women, sexuality, living as a freelance writer, dating in New York or anything else. In short, why do YOU get down with the Funky Brown?” I promised to randomly select five FUNKY BROWN CHICK® readers from the comments section. Drum roll, please … The big winners are: Erica, Clara, Puma73, Ruth and Susie Kline. The latter, Susie, says: “I think it’s important for women of all ages to embrace their sexuality and to realize what a joy it can be. Young, old, single, involved … no one should ignore such an important piece of themselves!” Very well said, and ditto for men’s sexual health. Congrats Erica, Clara, Puma73, Ruth and Susie! You should each receive your free EdenFantasys swag bags shortly.

I read all the comments on the free giveaway post (as I do with every post). Carrie, a black woman from Texas who now lives in England said, said my writings about sex makes the topic a “normal” one that should be discussed. “The world needs to see more of it going on, not just in the black community but all the others that are shy about it!” Mydria wrote, “A lot of the topics you write about are so relevant for me, especially when it comes to my sexuality as a Black woman. You’ve made me feel more comfortable in my own skin.” Courtney said, “[I] like that your blog, while it centralizes black female sexuality, is also multi-cultural and does is not limited to one specific type of sexuality or gender.” I’m very proud that lovely people of all genders, sexes and race/ethnicities get down with the Funky Brown. Matthew — who is a friend and all-around kickass peach-skinned person — wrote: “I think of Funky Brown primarily as a personality (vivacious, positive, energetic, exploratory); then to the physical attributes; a woman; then black (I don’t know or her descent, just color and that color contains many continents); then height, weight, age range; and finally sexuality – straight (to be discussed). What I’ve taken away from this blog is, while cultural differences and their ideology/perspectives may differ – emotions and mannerisms (reactions) are strikingly similar; THAT is what connects us as humans [...]”

On a personal note, I have a personal request from everyone reading these words. Samhita Mukhopadhyay, Deanna Zandt, Lynne d Johnson and I have a proposal on SXSW’s panel picker. Here’s what’s going on … SXSW gives the community a voice in selecting programming for their Interactive festival taking place March 11 – 15, 2011 in Austin, TX. I think that’s a great idea! We’d like to present “People Power: Leveraging Personal Stories to Build Influence,” and we need your votes. Here’s what we’ve come up with:

Stories can build audiences, grow support for campaigns and change mainstream ideas about social issues. They can also alienate various communities, compromise business information confidentiality or damage brands. If social media has shown us anything, it’s that stories still matter. This panel will be a concrete conversation on how successful online personalities have managed their personal and professional lives using social media: telling authentic stories about our experiences, and using those stories to build powerful, engaged communities.

If you think this idea/panel has value, please vote for us! Here’s the link: http://panelpicker.sxsw.com/ideas/view/7037. Once you’ve given it a thumbs up, a small bar on the site’s top may alert you to register if you haven’t already. Fret not. It’s painless, and they won’t spam you a bunch of email to punish you for participating. Deadline: Voting ends 11:59 CDT this Friday, August 27. Many thanks for your support!

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I Need a Favor (From All of You Who Love Stories)

Yesterday, on my Facebook, I reposted Gizmodo’s article An iPhone App To Schedule and Graph Sex With All Your Girlfriends. (Presumably, straight women and gay men can use it too, so it’s really for tracking all partners — not just girlfriends.) Called DateMate, it’s available for $2.99 here. I think I’m turning into a sap because I don’t like it. At all :( This video shows how the app works in case you’ve not yet heard about it.

A FUNKY BROWN CHICK® reader named Mike asks, “Is it really that much different than using Google Calendar to schedule social time? Putting things like ‘how much sex do I get’ into hard numbers is a little bit crass, but it is a quantitative measurement,” he explains. “[H]ow else would you keep track of information, except to put a number or some kind of value to it?” Very good questions and valid points.

My daily schedule’s kind of hectic. So, I’m addicted to Google Calendar. Without it, I’d have no clue where I was supposed to be, when I should be there and who to expect once I arrived. BUT … My love life? Much more stable. If you’ve read 101 Things That Are Totally Twanna, you know I’m a romantic — an incurable, soulful idealist who would rather be monogamous with one guy at a time. That’s not to say I don’t support others’ right to choose poly, open and other relationships. I also support women (and men’s) right to slut it up. It’s just … for me, for right now … it’s not my personal preference.

My velvet has a velvet rope barring entry; it’s a very exclusive club. I need to feel cared for — not just fucked. It only took one guy — many years ago — to completely spoil me for all others. Once I was loved fully and completely, it taught me how to care for others. Ever since, I want to date guys who remember my birthday, call or text me to say they miss me otherwise treat me as well as I deserve to be treated. Before, if I was dating a guy and he fell ill, I’d stay away until he got better and complain, “Don’t get me sick!” Now, if the guy I’m dating doesn’t feel well, I bring him soup. I’m just not interested in dating men who are seeing (and sleeping with) so many women at the same time that they need an app to measure it all. Or, to quote my friend Samhita, “Sex is just sex. That’s not the real shit. That’s not like getting real deep with one person.”

Anyway. Back to DateMate. I wonder if the app will be a bigger financial success that the software is. Available for $19.95 on CNET’s Download.com since 2007, the software has only been purchased 4 times in the last week plus an additional 254 since they started selling the product. If I’ve done the math correctly, that averages less than $5 per day in sales. By comparison, if the app sells only twice at $2.99, it would generate 26% more cash in one day. Hmmm, no wonder so many companies are selling cheap dating apps! ;) See: Fast Company’s 10 Best iPhone Apps for Dating.

Those are my thoughts. Feel free to use the comments section to share yours.

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iPhone App for Dating: Want To Graph Your Sex Life?

Food first. Then, men. Stacie, Desiree, Rachel and I are getting together for “Girls’ Night In” dinner a week from Friday. Today, Desiree shared the upcoming festivities’ menu (she’s quite the foodie!):

• Cheese board – assorted cheeses (I haven’t picked them out yet but I’m going for a French theme here)
• Heirloom tomato salad – heirloom tomatoes, buffalo mozzarella, arugula, olive oil, balsamic vinegar (prosciutto on the side)
• Endless pot o’ mussels – Self explanatory. Served with lots of crusty bread (and maybe french fries)
• Four-layer Angel Food Ice Cream Cake – angel food cake layered with blueberry jam, vanilla ice cream and peach and raspberry sorbets
• A pitcher of French Pear Martinis. Frozen margaritas are also available upon request.

Yum! Looking forward to it. And, speaking of delicious things, we usually kick off the week at FUNKY BROWN CHICK® with a “Manly Monday” celebration of testostrone-related topics. Today? 7 Greatest Homemade Sex Toys (For Men). Click the image below for the full list — including “How To Make” instructions. Enjoy! Couch cushions and the floggers are relatively simple. Wonder if anyone has actually tried the others.

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How To Make Homemade Sex Toys For Men

Years ago, a friend gave me Max Ehrmann’s The Desiderata of Happiness: A Collection of Philosophical Poems because she knew I was a fan. I find Desiderata’s call to “avoid loud and aggressive persons” and “keep peace with your soul” particularly soothing. How could anyone not love his closer? “With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams, it is still a beautiful world. Be cheerful. Strive to be happy.”

I sometimes struggle with depression — especially during dark, cold and gray winter months. (Trust me; I’m dreading summer’s end.) Happiness isn’t something I was born with or anything that came easily served with life experience; I work at it. Every day. I spent years working jobs I didn’t like, residing in cities that didn’t match my lifestyle and otherwise living an unfufilling existence. I’m not saying I’ve figured out the “Meaning of Life” or anything like that, but I’ve found ways to be content and actively pursue my passions. I admire and respect what folks like Henrik Edberg (The Positivity Blog), Gretchen Rubin (The Happiness Project), Ananda Leeke (author, That Which Awakens Me and Love’s Troubadours) and others are doing — spreading positivity.

Recently, Yahoo! caught up with me to ask about makeovers and creating life anew. Here’s a photo of me getting a mic clipped to my dress, and below is the video in which I explain how I found (and continue to find) value. By the way, shout out to Yahoo! Shine for posting A Doctor’s Take on Female Ejaculation, 12 Things Smart Women Know About Men and other articles that aim to help improve womens’ love and sex lives.

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How to Be Genuinely Happy

Highlighting things you may have missed (whether or not you’re new to getting down with the Funky Brown), here are five “Reader’s Favorite” posts from 2009.

• Black Women + Asian Men = Blasian Hot Dating

• Sex Ed 101: Understanding Your Lady Bits (VIDEO)

• Single Women’s Affairs: Sleeping With Married Men

• How Does Music Affect Your Sex Life?

• Sex Crimes: What Should Happen to Roman Polanski?

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A Year Ago on FUNKY BROWN CHICK®

Quick update. So, the Washington Post is reporting marriage counselor Dr. Laura will end her radio show at the end of the year. Last Saturday, for the Huffington Post, I wrote Black Women, White Men & Dr. Laura’s Views on Interracial Marriage. In the comments section, I noticed rumblings about listeners organizing to get Schlessinger’s advertiser-supported show yanked.

Black Women, White Men & Dr. Laura’s Views on Interracial Marriage was one of the most popular articles on the Huffington Post’s “Living” section, and it reprinted by specialty new websites such as Carnal Nation. Judging from the reactions to my piece as well as others’ articles, I figured Dr. Laura wouldn’t be on air much longer. If you haven’t already, read my piece. What do you think Dr. Laura’s next move will be? Another radio show? Television? A sex tape?

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Marriage Counselor Dr. Laura Schlessinger Ends Show

Translation: Sorry, he speaks too fast; I can’t tell if they’re saying “meedoen” or “meer doen.” If it’s the latter, “Doing more is in our nature.” If it’s the former, “Participation is in our nature.”

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Funny Dutch Commercial: Super Sperm (Totally Safe for Work)

New York Press has an awesome column called 8 Million Stories, predicated on the idea that this city of 8,000,000 is stuffed with juicy stories that deserve sharing. Taking a page from their playbook, here’s one particular New Yorker’s point of view: mine. Like everyone, I read the news — online, of course. I have to admit I’m surprised by non-New Yorkers’ reaction to the proposed “Ground Zero Mosque.” Because, quite frankly, many people I know who actually live in Manhattan simply don’t care if it gets built. I’ve said a bit about this on Facebook and Twitter, but I thought I’d combine my thoughts in a FUNKY BROWN CHICK® post. After all, if you’ve read my about page, you know I’m a sex & relationships writer and this site chronicles my life. (Currently, that life is based in New York City.)

I live in Manhattan, and I don’t care if a mosque gets built downtown. Last time I checked, the U.S. Constitution granted freedom of religion by stating, “Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof.” Cathedrals, synagogues and other houses of worship are present in Lower Manhattan. So, I can’t think of a fair reason why Muslims should be singled out. The Village Voice has a great piece about non-New Yorker’s disappointment about the mosque titled Dear Rest-of-America: Take This Map, It’s Why You’re Wrong About the “Ground Zero Mosque”. An excerpt:

“Maybe we’ll care what [non-New Yorkers] have to say [about the mosque] when you stop bothering us for directions in the subway on how to get to Ground Zero so you can go there and buy some dumb, tacky knickknack you can take home and give to friends to let them know that you spent money on a shake-a-snow where a few thousand people died.”

Another (satirical) quote, this time from Daily Show correspondent John Oliver (also in Manhattan): “There’s a difference between what you can do and what you should do. For instance, you can build a Catholic church next to a playground. Should you?” I don’t think all Catholics are pedophiles, nor do I believe all Muslims are extremists. So, if we can have churches two blocks away from a playground, it seems okay to build a Muslim cultural center two blocks away from the proposed Ground Zero memorial (that hasn’t even been built yet.) That’s my view on this continuing story about the mosque. It’s not a sex/love story, but it’s a tale about a city I love.

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A New Yorker’s Point of View: The Ground Zero Mosque